willfulconcept

[willfulconcept]

A Checklist Of Possible Reasons I Am Upset, To Review When I Can't Seem To Figure It Out:

did not eat

new hyperfixation and no time for it

have not done a creative in 24 hrs

Bad Sounds

clothes are touching my body

cold

people

one (1) comment is stuck in my brain like a popcorn kernel

last time I drank water was ??????

nervous nervous nervous nervous

got a Slightly Worse grade than expected

last hug was ??????

slept a full 45 minutes

lonely ............

guts are shredding (again)

have not seen sunlight in 24 hrs

stuck inside

too much screen time

Yay Overwhelm

room is disaster area

have not talked to Person in a while

bored

imposter phenomenon (again)

no current routine

how long have I been working???

Too Much Socialization

and then. and THEN. I may consider:

something is actually wrong

[willfulconcept]

One day you’re going to love the little life you’re creating for yourself

[willfulconcept]

A lot of people with childhood trauma (and, from my experience, especially attachment trauma) find themselves yearning for a parent figure. A mother, a savior - someone to hold you and love you in all the ways you needed when you were a child. Someone to hold you while you break into a million pieces.

At some point in recovery/therapy you will have to face the harsh reality: there will never be anyone. Not like that, not anymore. And mourning that? That’s too much, that feels like a pain that cannot be survived. A pain that will swallow you whole, a pain that will drown you.

Therapists can offer a lot of support, but not like that. So maybe you want to switch therapists in hopes of finding someone who can (even though, if they are a good therapist, they can’t), or you would rather be without therapists because then at least they won’t have to suffer the pain of “someone’s here but they’re not enough”. 

Getting a little support, a little of everything we missed, a little of everything we want… Getting a little is worse, in some ways. Because getting a little bit activates the pain; it triggers the feelings of what we miss. Dripping a couple drops of water in an empty bucket makes you feel how devastatingly empty that bucket is.

Getting nothing and being absolutely alone is dull. It’s a drag of depression and darkness. But getting a little bit but not everything? That’s sharp and flashing pain, it’s dry heaving from the heavy crying. It’s intrusive thoughts and self-destructive thoughts. It’s breaking apart again and again and again.

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I will grow with my face to the sky and my feet on the concrete of a thousand cities

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you’ll never be too much for someone who can’t get enough of you - remember that when you give your heart, your energy, & your time to people that make you feel like you’re too much of things that make you who you are

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ppl are so annoying “you can’t paint ur bedroom pink you’re an adult” i did not spend my entire life waiting to grow up and control my life to paint my bedroom beige

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little ways to change your life:

learn how to write a new style of handwriting. try wearing your hair or makeup differently. find a new perfume you like.

do things for yourself, not for the validation of others. resist the temptation to post everything online.

start doing something you usually can't be bothered to do. like making your bed, folding everything neatly, stretching every hour, going on jogs, making a healthy meal from scratch or sleeping earlier.

make your surroundings as cozy and as pleasing for you to look at as possible.

bake delicious but sometimes deformed pastries. write things that no one "gets". wear clothes and hairstyles that make u happy. crotchet a sock badly. draw a picture that won't be aesthetic on instagram. let go of the perfect image of who you need to be. do things for yourself.

be messy. self-expression isn't always pretty. scribble messily in a notebook. draw messily an idea for a character. write a messy draft for a story.

learn your thing from scratch, whether it's astronomy, greek mythology, flower species, piano, japanese, making jam, drawing comics, or something completely different.

let yourself fully enjoy everyday things like food, commute, and your morning routines. slow down and notice every single thing that makes you feel nice.

appreciate nature, like the sunlight streaming through in the morning, the sound of rain, and the colors of sunsets.

notice the deeper meanings and emotions in songs, poetry and paintings.

let people in. give new loves and friendships a chance. initiate conversations when you want.

read as much as you can. read different genres, popular and unpopular books, classics and new releases. give every book that catches your eye a chance.

enjoy your solitude like you're a character in a movie. if you can, go out for walks alone. visit the park to look at dogs, a café to people-watch, or a library to spend the afternoon buried in a book. bring a journal everywhere with you, and write poetry and quotes and doodles.

collect little things, like vinyls, pretty rocks and shells, stuffed animals, whatever makes you happy.

find a sport you like. pretend you're a superhero. dance like no one's watching. swim like you're a mermaid. exercise is supposed to be fun, so find one that you like.

make self care a priority. this includes taking your meds on time, starting to study for a test after procrastinating for weeks, deleting things that trigger negative emotions, and knowing when to let go and ask for help.

distance yourself from sources of negativity. learn to be ok on your own. know your worth and boundaries.

let go of the past. forgive yourself for the things you regret and start again.

let go of old relationships. there's a difference between missing someone and wanting them back in your life.

let go of your need to be perfect. it does more harm than good.

never compare yourself. it will always feel like a losing battle, no matter how amazing you really are.

keep in touch with people you don't speak to much. even a message can brighten someone's day.

be kind to everyone you meet, even strangers. if someone makes you happy, make them happier. compliment often, and be less judgemental. give someone a smile, you never know how much it means to them.

wake up earlier in the morning. wake up with the sun and fall asleep with the moon.

if you want to be calmer and more productive, remove things on your phone and social media apps that you don't need. (which is most of them).

make a list of qualities in the person you dream of becoming. write about your ideal life with what you have. make goals to be the happiest and healthiest version of yourself.

don't suppress your emotions, but don't overthink them either. have a kinder relationship with your body and your thoughts.

don't be afraid to ask for help, whether it's a teacher, therapist, friend, doctor or parent.

remember that healing and loving yourself is just starting over and over. it's not too late. you're still young and you can move and grow at your own pace. your peak is yet to come.

[willfulconcept]

[willfulconcept]

From @tarastevens2

[Video: far off shot of a crane lifting a blue Porta-Potty through the air.

Audio: Doctor Who theme song.]

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none of yall know what propaganda actually is, do you?

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long range melee weapon 

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if your stomach’s sensitive because of anxiety, by all means spread out the food you eat over the course of the day instead of having large meals, just don’t…not eat.  you will go into hypoglycemic shock and that will suck.

[willfulconcept]

I’m very early on T, and I’m starting to want to do research on top surgery. I’m part of a few Facebook groups where people discuss top surgery so I can get a feel for what I want/don’t want in a surgery and what I can realistically expect, but I’m a little lost in terms of what I should look into. Outside of seeing if they take my insurance, whatelse should I look into? Any general advice? I’m at minimum many months off (I’d like to be 1 year on T), but I just wanna be in the know, ya know?

Hey, 

Thanks for reaching out! Congrats on starting T- what an exciting time!!!!!

With regard to top surgery, my advice would be to set up as many free consultations as possible (even if you aren’t especially interested in the surgeon) to get a feel for the procedure and how various offices operate. Many surgeons offer free consultations in-person, over-the-telephone or online. See my incomplete list below: 

Dr. Miguel Delgado in San Franciso, Califronia 

Dr. Gehaan D’Souza in Carlsbad, California 

Dr. Scott Mosser in San Francisco, California 

Dr. Rex Moulton-Barrett in Brentwood, California 

Dr. Alexander Sinclair in Beverly Hills, California

Dr. Jamie Schwartz in Beverly Hills, California 

Dr. Winfield Hartley in Boulder, Colorado 

Dr. Paul Steinwald in Denver, Colorado 

Dr. Timothy Alexander in Miami, Florida

Dr. Charles Garramone in Davie, Florida 

Dr. Harun Zekirovski in Orlando, Florida

Dr. Brian Aslanian in Atlanta, Georgia

Dr. Troy Austin in Evans, Georgia 

Dr. Navin Singh in Chevy Chase, Maryland 

Dr. Paul Costas in Concord, Massachusetts 

Dr. Kenneth Wolf in West Bloomfield, Michigan 

Dr. Carol Ann Aylward in Kansas City, Missouri 

Dr. Perry Johnson in Omaha, Nebraska 

Dr. Orna Fisher in Las Vegas, Nevada 

Dr. Keith Blechman in New York, New York

Dr. Emese Kalnoki in Rochester, New York

Dr. Elliot Jacobs in New York, New York

Dr. Jeffrey Rockmore in Albany, New York

Dr. Douglas Senderoff in New York, New York

Dr. Hope Sherie in Charlotte, North Carolina 

Dr. Steven Robinson in Cincinnati, Ohio 

Dr. Hugh Mclean in Mississauga, Ontario 

Dr. Dustin Reid in Austin, Texas

Dr. Matthew Stanwix in Richmond, Virginia 

Dr. Manish Champaneria in Vancouver, Washington

Dr. Megan Dreveskracht in Tukwila, Washington 

Dr. Antonio Mangubat in Tukwila, Washington

Dr. Javad Sajan in Seattle, Washington 

Consultations are a great way to get yourself educated… and they are a wonderful opportunity to speak one-on-one with a surgeon who will answer all of your questions. Prepare a handy-dandy list of questions, or use my list below:

has anyone died?

likelihood of developing a hematoma/ seroma?

skin necrosis- how to recognize dying skin?

other surgical complications?

how long should swelling occur before consulting a medical professional?

can i contact office about complications?

how far in advance should one quit smoking?

fasting before surgery?

how many additional pre-op appointments before procedure?

is blood work/physical needed for surgery?

how does the procedure work?

scar locations/ scarring/ scar treatments?

revisions?

how long under general anesthesia?

how long is the surgery itself?

recovery timeline?

post-op recovery questions: medications, showering, driving, post-op visits, drains, dog walking, class, sex.

is total cost including anesthesiologist, facility fee, surgeons fee, consultation/post-op follow-up fees and future revisions?

how many patients require revisions?

are there ways to lower the cost of the surgery?

how much of cost is required upon booking/before surgery?

how far in advance is payment due?

Take notes. Jot down what you like and dislike about the surgeons you consult with an go from there. Be a wise consumer. Don’t go to a surgeon that doesn’t vibe with you and makes you feel uncomfortable. 

Be sure to seek clarification about what’s included in the fees. Seek a surgeon who offers free revisions and follow-up appointments (EVEN if you aren’t seeking revisions or follow-up appointments). Steer clear of surgeon’s who tack on additional un-covered “cosmetic” or “contouring” fees in addition to billing your insurance company. 

My last bit of advice would be to expect the worse, hope for the best, and prep for all the rest. Anticipate all the bad and gnarly outcomes imaginable, prepare for complications, and expect suboptimal results so anything less than suboptimal feels mind-blowing (because all too often people really go into surgery with unrealistic expectation and that jazz kills). Mentally prep and brace yourself so you’re in a solid head-space and have a decent mindset before the procedure!!!

Finally, if you are planning on utilizing insurance, I’d recommend reaching out to your insurance company to see what they cover and what requirements they have… and, as always, if ya wanna chitchat further, don’t hesitate to give a holler :-)

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I really want to get top surgery, but I am having trouble with where to start. Should I go to my gyno and tell them that I want my chesticles gone? On top of that, I hate talking to my parents about it, because they don't understand. They say that they support me, but then they scrutinize me, and I just don't want to deal with them in this, but I live with them. (I'm an adult, but the stigma of being the prize eldest child is still there.)

Lee says:

I personally decided on what procedure I wanted (t-incision) then worked back from there to see which surgeons did that procedure and how experienced they were with it. If you’re going for a standard double incision with nipple grafts then you’ll have more options to choose from.

You can call your insurance and see who is in-network, you can do some googling and see if any trans people went to a specific surgeon in your area, you can go to local trans support groups and ask folks in person, you can ask for a referral from whatever healthcare provider is helping with your transition (like your endocrinologist) and you can look at these links on finding surgeons:

The process of getting top surgery

Finding the Right Surgeon

Map of top surgeons / Surgeons by state

Surgeons who use informed consent

Surgeons who accept Medicare

Surgeons who take insurance

Those links are from our Top surgery page, which you should check out for more info! 

As for your parents, make sure you frame the conversation in a way that makes it clear you’re informing them of something you’re going to do and you’ve already made up your mind, you’re not looking for their opinions or advice to help you decide.