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[wilshipley]

The Bachelor, Season 22, Episode 5

B-ROLL, FT. LAUDERDALE: Sun! Surf! Sand! Republicans!

Ari tells us we’re in Ft. Lauderdale. I remember it as a retirement community, but I also haven’t been there in 40 years...because I’m not stupid: Florida is the literal worst. It’s like the Texas of the East, except instead of independence they worship meth.

The women confessional what the producers want them to while wearing bikinis and stuff. Ari comes into their hotel and is all impressed they “have a patio and everything.” To be fair Ari’s also impressed by butterflies, and that water “just keeps coming” out of taps.

Before we start I’d like to wager that Ari will cut one of the two remaining women who aren’t completely white. I don’t even have reason to think he’s racist, I just think his tastes are that bland. He’s like a 10-year-old who only wants to eat mac’n’cheese, except in his case it’s that he’s a 10-year-old who only wants to stick his tongue in white women.

Ari asks Chelsea on the first one-on-one. Ugh. Just because she’s the less crazy of the two crazies doesn’t mean she’s not crazy. They go to a huge yacht thing. Chelsea manages to kinda toast being with him with something approaching english except with too many pauses and clauses.

MEANWHILE, back at the hotel Lauren B.’s hair is so straight and blonde I can’t hear what she’s saying. It’s like she ironed it. Like, on an actual ironing board. I think she’s sad that she’s not going on the date?

Suddenly Maquel(?) walks in. I guess her grandfather is done being dead or whatever.

MEANWHILE, on the date, Chelsea keeps saying, “This is crazy” and maybe she shouldn’t use that word. I mean, why underline it?

MEANWHILE, the women are supposedly using a telescope to watch Ari and Chelsea make out on a jetski. They’re really into the voyeurism this season.

NIGHT, CAR MUSEUM: Ari’s taking Chelsea to a car museum? Ok. Sure. Oh, they’re going to have dinner here. What happened to restaurants? I think I’d rather eat at a Hard Rock than a car museum. Doesn’t it smell like oil?

Ari tells Chelsea that he wants to know more about her which is the least organic way to build a relationship. “TELL ME A FACT.” “TELL ME ANOTHER FACT.” “INDEED I HAVE FACTS ABOUT YOU NOW.”

Chelsea tells Ari that her ex was a total sugar daddy. Yiiiipes. 🚨 He left her six months after their son was born. Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiipes. 🚨🚨🚨 “You think you have it all,” laments Chelsea. She mourns the loss of all the riches but then says something about how having her son makes her the most rich of all. Sure, completely believable recovery, Chelsea.

Here’s the thing about sugar daddy relationships: I don’t think you’re inherently evil if you enter into one, but if you don’t learn from the experience that it leaves you kinda hollow, well, you’re probably not ready for an actual relationship.

NIGHT, HOTEL: Maquel, Krystal, Bekah M, Bekka K, Sienna, Kendall, Marikh, Jacqueline, Lauren B. “There’s not a moment to spare,” says the card, so I guess they’re going bowling or defusing a bomb. By elimination Tia will get the other one-on-one.

MEANWHILE, Ari is telling Chelsea she’s strong and independent and shit and that he likes her and it’s all really generic. He gives her the date rose 🌹. They kinda deserve each other, really. Hot bland on bland action.

They go into another room and I wonder if there’s a stupid sing—wow didn’t type that fast enough, yes there’s a singer waiting. This time it’s a woman singer, that’s a huge change! It’s “Tenielle Arts?” That’s what I heard. I don’t know who that is, but apparently she sings country, also. I think the song goes, “I got hurt by a man and my heart done be aching...” but it could be I just made that up.

—

ESTABLISHING SHOTS, BOWLING ALLEY: Told you. Although the bomb thing would have been fun. For some reason they’re playing mariachi music? Ari licks a bowling ball. OMG so disgusting jesus does he know they roll on the floor? All day? When they’re not been handled by thousands of strangers? WTF, is he actually 10?

The women are all dressed in what might be called “white trash chic” and they’re bowling and drinking beer. Let the Krystal confessional show begin! She again complains that the women are trying to get his attention, ugh, with zero self-awareness.

Once again, it wouldn’t be a group date unless there’s a humiliation component, so Ari announces the women have to form teams, and the winning team gets an afterparty (with him, swoon!) and the losers go back to the hotel for a hot naked pillow-fight in my head. So, you know, fun for everyone.

Kendall is excited there will be “less girls” and my love for her wanes because she should have said “fewer” since “girls” are countable. (I mean, usually: on this show the girls seem uncountable.)

Krystal’s team is all white women. One of the generic blondes makes up a cheer on the spot where she yells her team will win “Cuz we’re a ten, and you’re a four, and you’re a ssssss...” I don’t know what this means, either, except that she has mental problems. Krystal prays to God before they start bowling, and mentions her dogs. Why? I don’t know how the producers decide which crazy footage of her to keep.

Bekah turns out to be a horrible bowler, despite her arm strength. She’s on a team with all the awesome women, but they lose. The losing women are all sad in the locker room. Ari confessionals that he feels bad for the losers.

I’m calling an audible, here, folks: Ari’s going to change the rules and invite the losing team anyways, because his #1 and #2 kissers are on it (Bekah and Kendal).

Ok, Ari pokes his head into their locker room of despair...blah blah blah...he tells the women they’re all gonna go to the party. I called it. Krystal’s face kinda fell but it’s mostly plastic so not as much as you might think.

—

NIGHT, GIANT W: The women are confessionalling that Krystal went nuts on the bus. You noticed on the bus? You haven’t noticed she’s been crazy this whole time? We see Krystal though a window talking to a PA and calling Ari a liar and she’s super-pissed at him for changing his mind.

Krystal comes out of her room in a robe and tells the women that she’s not going to the party. “Something that I look for in a partner is I want someone to include me in decisions,” Krystal says, because this show is now called “The Crazy Woman With The Plastic Face,” and not “The Bachelor.”

Kendal’s cross-examining, to see if she can get Krystal to say definitively she wants out. Krystal says her stuff is packed. But, like, she’s not actually leaving. 🎣

Bekah in her confessional does a dot-on imitation of Krystal. I want to be Bekah’s friend. We could go climbing together!

Later, at the party, the women are all dishing on how much Krystal sucks, again. Finally Ari comes in. “We’re all here!” he says. “We’re not all here,” someone else says. Bekah explains the Krystal sitch to him. Another woman tells him she called him a liar. Oooh, tattle-tales.

Ari’s at a loss. “Um, ok, well, I think the right thing for me to do is maybe check on her. And I don’t want to disrespect you by going up there.” THEN DON’T. “But I really feel like if she has has strong feelings, I feel like I should address it.” NO NO NO JESUS ARI WHAT THE HELL. Ari is completely doing what the producers want, here.

Like the idiot he is, Ari ventures upstairs to give Krystal the alone time she fished for. The women unite on how much Krystal sucks.

—

Back from the break we hear summaries of the Krystal meltdown. But this is just her way. The Krystal...method.

Upstairs, Ari hugs Krystal in her robe. UGH why do we have to do this. Krystal: “I feel like me and my teammates were disrespected.” (Ugh, it’s: “I feel like my teammates and I were disrespected.” Would you say, “I feel like me was disrespected,” Krystal? Would you‽ Wait, you totally would. Never mind.)

Ari lays down the law, “THIS is exactly what couple CAN’T do...” I’d be more impressed with his show of strength if he could say this in an actual relationship without the entire cast and crew of a show behind him, plus like 15 women waiting to sex him up if he pisses Krystal off.

Ari tells her this makes him “pull back.” She tries to one-up him, “I totally pulled back today.” He’s not having it, “I think you should stay up here tonight.” Wait. He’s grounding her? Jesus. Patriarchy much? “Know that I’m not happy about it.” Ok Krystal’s crazy but if you’re talking to a woman you’re dating like she’s your teenage daughter it’s time for both of you to cut bait. “And I’ll see you in a few days.”

Ari confessionals, “Just last week I had some really strong feelings for her.” Well, to be fair, you are very stupid.

Ari rejoins his remaining harem-in-waiting.

Kendall’s time with Ari. She tells him that she’s never really felt like marrying someone, and normally her relationships are bright and fast. No offense, but we already figured this out about you, Kendall the taxidermy-carrying-ukelele-playing-bug-eater. Ari says some generic stuff that doesn’t really address that, then gives her the tongue.

Bekah’s up. Their hands and legs and everything are entwined. He’s worried he’s gonna fall for her. She gives him her normal no-bullshit responses. Then, it’s tonsil-licking time!

Becca K’s time. He takes her to his room? Huh. “I just wanted to give you...a little something extra.” Yah, I’ve used that line. They talk about how they want to talk about stuff but then they don’t actually do it. “I wanna ask you everything!” Instead the play tonsil hockey.

Krystal confessionals that Ari must like her because he DID come talk to her (like the producers would ever let him leave that DRAMA alone) and we see her putting on makeup and getting dressed. Oh boy, some PA talked Krystal into disobeying Ari’s rule! Man, there’s gonna be TROOOOUBLE.

Bekah’s leading a false prayer circle for Krystal and I think maybe she’s going to hell? I’ll see her there. We can be hell-buds. We see the “prayer” cut in with Krystal walking up stairs, assumedly to the party. Nobody watching believes these actually happened at the exact same moment, but I do believe Bekah’s expression is probably real when she sees Krystal come in. Krystal says she wants to talk to the women. They look like they’d rather have a pap smear.

Man, they’re milking this Krystal thing. I mean, it seems a lot of drama, I get that, but there’s actually not much happening. So far: a woman went upstairs. Then: she came downstairs.

Lauren B. tries to quiz Krystal but Krystal says that whatever she says she’ll get attacked, which makes me wonder why she came down to talk to the women? Lauren leaves the group, and walks over past the bored-looking bartenders. Marikh follows because the producers have cast her as the supportive one and I’ll be sad when she’s cut this week or next.

Bekah takes on Krystal. “You said you weren’t coming tonight, but yet here you are. Does that make YOU a liar?” Ouch burn. Krystal says, “I felt...um...hurt...” Bekah interrupts, “No no no...” Krystal decides to go. Well, that was anticlimactic.

Lauren B.’s time with Ari. She tells him she wants to play 21 questions. “What’s your favorite color?” oh man she’s deep “How do you like your eggs in the morning?” oh Lauren jesus. They say some stuff about being afraid of getting hurt and then do the tonsil mambo.

Ari picks up the date rose and calls out several women to play emotional “olé!” with them, but in the end he gives it to Lauren 🌹. He literally does everything the producers want.

—

Tia’s date. They’re going fan-boating on the Everglades because in Florida it’s the law. It’s like serving in the army in Israel.

Tia and Ari see a gator. They spaz out. The sound people dub in a lot of hissing sounds which the gator clearly isn’t making. Also, I’d like to point out I used to go waterskiing with gators in Savannah’s marshes with my dad. Bad Parenting or Best Parenting? You decide!

Ari: “In a crazy way it reminds me that love can be kind of scary!” See, alligators are a simile! Oh, the producers love similes.

Their captain “Darryl” takes them to his stilt house in the marsh, where we expect to meet his other brother Darryl. It kinda looks like he’s going to skin them in it. (Also did you know the “other brother Darryl” guy on TV was also the toy-maker in Blade Runner? I did not.)

Darryl’s fried up some yellow-bellied catfish and frog legs for them and holy crap it looks good. This is like the one date on this show I’ve actually wanted to be on. Marsh birds, boats, gators, fried fish...yes.

Ari and Tia say they like each other without really saying anything. Then time for a tonsil check! 

Tia’s confessionals she wants to be able to tell Ari “how she’s feeling,” but is worried. “I’m tryin’ to just rod the hah raht now.”

—

NIGHT, OLD NAUTICAL ANTIQUE PLACE: They go into a place with a half-billion model boats. Ari tells Tia they’re in an “Old... nautical... antique place.” Tia exclaims, “There’s a boat!” No way! Where?

Tia’s dressed in what I think is an upcycled fishing net? There’s a giant neon “LIVE BAIT” sign above the table and I mean that’s a bit on-the-nose.

Ari continues to spout bland aphorisms and say “I love” a lot. “I really love the fact that you’re very much yourself.” He could say that to any woman here, or in the entire world even. It’s like he bought the book, How To Pick Up Bland Women. He says something else and adds, “And I love that about you.” Ugh, he’s like a Disney talking robot, saying the same things night after night.

The producers mix together several soundbites of Tia into a bizarre melange. “I like that you embrace that about me /CUT/ coming from such a small town?” Ari: “I love that.” Ok, now they’re just fucking with us after the SNL thing. This is like a “I love that” supercut. 

Tia was in college for 7 years. She’s has a doctorate! Holy cats. I did NOT see that coming.

Now they’re talking about religion—actual conversational content! This is something you might want to discuss before getting married in the real world. (She’s religious, he’s not because his friends have died in race cars. Did he mention he was a race car driver recently?)

Tia admits she typically goes for guys she “can fix, who don’t have it all together.” Yah, this explains a lot about why she’s here.

She finally says, “I’m falling for you [...] I’m falling in love with you.” He actually smugly says, “You have to look at me when you say that,” because he’s either scarily controlling of her or the producers told him what shot they want and he’s their puppet. She says it again. Eeek.

WAIT. New theory: This “Ari” is actually the first completely animatronic Bachelor, being controlled by the producers. The real Ari died in a plane crash long ago. (Or got fat and old, which is basically the same thing in this world.)

Smooch time!

Ari gives Tia the date rose🌹. “I want you to stay you,” he says blandly. More smooches. Ari confessionals, “Today’s been a really great surprise. Tia says she’s falling in love with me!” Yah, that’s a huge surprise on this show in that it happens every single season to every woman who stays past week four.

Shot of them smooching against a pole. “I’ve been waiting for you to push me against something,” Tia says smokily. 🔥🔥🔥 Damn, woman.

COMING UP: More Krystal Krazy!

—

FINAL NIGHT: The women file into a new space. Get ready for a bunch of Krystal now.

Krystal confessionals: “Yesterday, I wasn’t ‘hiding in my room,’ I was, ‘investing in myself.’” She should get a job as Trump’s spokesman.

Next we see Krystal lecturing the group of women who all hate her about why she has no regrets for her tantrum. She really does NOT know how to read a room.

Ari comes in and spouts out simple declarative sentences, suspiciously like he’s a robot being controlled in a booth somewhere. “Everyone looks good. I’ve had an amazing week. I think we’ve had some really cool dates. I do believe this is working. I’m having a great time.” Those are real. I swear.

He adds, “Beep boop. I am most certainly not a robot.”

Kendall’s time with Ari. She pulls out her “question book,” he picks question 99. “That was my first race number” — I dunno if you guys remember he was a race car driver? He hasn’t mentioned it in like minutes.

She reads the question, “If you were visiting a tribe whose tradition was to eat someone who’d passed away, would you try human meat?” He says no. Kendall says, “I would totally try it.” No shit, Kendall. But she promises not to eat Ari. Well, that’d be a deal-breaker for me, but Ari’s pretty bland.

MEANWHILE, inside, the women are talking about how horrible Krystal is. We see her supposedly listening to them, then she decides to confront the “girls.” I gotta say it’s hard to keep typing “women” when everyone on the show says “girls.” Like, it seems disrespectful if *I* say it, but literally everyone else is saying it.

ANYWAYS back to Krystal news, she tells the women if they’d like to talk to her (mano a loco) she’ll do it. Shocker. Kendall says she’ll do it. Uh oh. I think she’s hungry for human flesh already.

Kendall is trying to speak sanely to Krystal, but Krystal can’t actually listen. Her whole style is to swat other people’s words away so she can tell them why she’s the victim. Kendall’s trying to give Krystal therapy. Oh, sweetie, you’re super late for this. Tia joins Kendall. Bekah takes a turn. “Why are you still here?” Krystal’s face is blank, but, again, it’s hard to move plastic.

—

Jacqueline is with Ari. Ari confessionals, “I don’t know of many psychologists from New York that are race fans,” because I dunno if you heard but he used to race. Also “who” not “that.” They smooch.

MEANWHILE back at the Krystal show: Bekah is tearing Krystal a new one. Krystal is still repeating how upset she is that Ari changed his mind about the post-bowling party. This is the hill she’ll die on? (I mean, if something made of plastic can experience death. What is dead may never die.)

Krystal confessionals again that she’s “over it!” The Bachelor: brought to you by “Krystal” and “Over It.”

Krystal’s time with Ari. Ari, “Let’s talk big picture.” He says, “I’m not saying, ‘This is the end for us.’ I don’t know that. It’s not clear right now.” Now the producers are just using a Magic 8-ball to select his responses. I guess they get bored back there in the control booth.

Krystal explains she had such a strong reaction because she “grew up in a bowling alley.” I wonder if she was the love child of sad waitress and a bowling pin. It’d explain why she’s made of plastic and why she reeks of desperation. She tells him her mother made a lot of bad choices with men and that hurt her, which of course is genuinely sad. As I’ve said: Krystal needs therapy, not a dating show.

Ari says, “If you think this is hard, after this it’s twice as hard. Or more!” I’ve told women that before, too. Different circumstances.

Krystal sings, “Our first fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight,” in baby talk to try to smooth things over. Ugh. Ari: “It could be our last fight, you know.” Bam. She starts just saying random words to fill time.

Chris enters with his +2 Magical Champagne-flute of Women-summoning. Ari announces he has to make a lot of hard decisions. The entire scene is intercut with Krystal spouting more crazy.

—

ROSE CEREMONY: Chris talks to Ari about Krystal because ALL KRYSTAL ALL THE TIME. Chris reminds Ari he liked Krystal a lot because the producers feel they need to plant the seed for when they keep her later. Three women going home tonight: I’m calling that he’s going to let go of Ashley and Maquel because they’ve had the least seen time.

Krystal AGAIN confessionals that she’s shown him so many sides of herself, and she starts listing random words. I’m not making this up: “I showed him Fun! Passionate! Sad! Emotional! Um...Excited! Futuristic!” Wait, futuristic? Did she take off her fake plastic face and show him the gears under it? Are they BOTH animatronic?

Ari addresses his horde. Blah blah “Tough decisions,” blah blah “these decisions are not easy.”

Bekah M. (that one was easy) 🌹 Sienne 🌹 Kendall (duh) 🌹 Becca K. 🌹 Jacqueline 🌹

We see a confessional from a gal named Jenna who I swear we’ve never seen before worrying she’ll be cut. But, Jenna 🌹

FINAL ROSE.

MORE KRYSTAL CONFESSIONAL. “If he doesn’t give me a rose, I feel like Ari’s taking the easy way out with me.” I mean, why would he want to take the hard way out? TAKE THE EASY WAY, ARI. DO IT!

Krystal 🌹. Of COURSE robot-Ari kept her, the producers are controlling him and she’s ratings gold. She’s the only bad guy they’ve developed. Bekah looks PISSED.

That means Ashely and Maquel and Marikh are all going home, so I was wrong in that they sent home TWO women of color this week. I figured the producers would want to be more subtle than that.

“Ladies I’m sorry blah blah blah,” Chris says.

It’s pretty clear the women he cut weren’t all that into him. Maquel leaves with her head high. So does Ashley. Marikh is a little sad leaving but it doesn’t seem like she’s gonna miss Ari per se. I’m also sad Marikh’s leaving, because gosh dang she fine, but she’ll realize in a week or so she dodged a bullet. Plus, you know, it’s EASY TO FIND MY E-MAIL ADDRESS MARIKH.

We get a long, lingering shot of Krystal sniffing her rose smugly. “It took so much courage for me to come here tonight!” she says with no self-awareness. “Watch out, ladieeeees.”

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor, Season 22, Episode 4

Exterior: Hummingbird. D’AWWWW I love humbirbs.

Bekah is seen jumping into a pool. Meanwhile (supposedly meanwhile) the women inside are talking about how young Bekah is. 14 years apart! I have no leg to stand on here so let’s all just pretend it’s totally normal to date people of any age, ok? *wipes brow*

One of the women says “everyone is realizing how real it is,” so update your bingo cards. “I feel like the stakes are higher,” someone says and I’ve already got B and G and it’s been two minutes.

Chris slobs in. “It’s hard to believe there’s only 15 of you left.” First off, “there are only 15 of you,” not “is,” and second, it’s not that hard to believe one guy is dating ONLY 15 women. What’s hard to believe is 15 women actually like this schmuck. Chris tells the women they’re all going to Tahoe, so we finally start the travel-porn part of this show (as opposed to the porn-porn part, which is the entire rest of it).

Ari is already in Tahoe, staring meaningfully over vistas. He spouts some lines for the Tahoe tourism board. “I love things like hiking, being outside, and to share that with the girls is going to be so much fun,” he says, demonstrating a bad parallel.

The women are checking out the lodge, it’s rustic AF. It looks like Gaston did all of their DEC-or-ating. Krystal exclaims “We’re in Tahoe!” and she certainly puts da ho in Tahoe.

Date card! “Sienne, let’s let our love sore!” Assumedly he’s going to give her herpes.

Ok, they probably spelled it “soar,” but I need this.

Ari addresses the women and tells them in the most boring way they are in Tahoe and will be doing dates in Tahoe. Surprise!

One of the women voiceovers that she was astounded that early on one of the many Laurens “went on a date and didn’t come back, and none of us saw that coming!” Yah, on a dating show it’s a huge shock any time someone gets eliminated even though that literally happens several times every…single…episode.

Kwazy Krystal with her shark-face confessionals that Sienne will probably be going home and that makes her happy because then she can be with Ari and Ari will take care of her and never leave her not like everyone else always has Ari is different if anyone gets between her and Ari she will kill them it’s only right she has a gun back in her room. Ok some percentage of that I made up but, you know, the spirit of it is true.

—

The women are spying on Ari’s parasailing date with Sienne. Chelsea (semi-crazy one) confessionals, “It might start getting to me if if these days go by longer without time with Ari.” That English not is.

“Parasailing is about letting go and where the wind takes you,” says Sienne, and I just wanted to write that down because I feel obligated every time the producers feed them a COMPLETELY OBVIOUS simile. She doesn’t even leave it at that, she explains to the camera that it’s similar to dating. See: a simile. “I really like Ari. I can’t use the L word yet but I really like him.” Lunkhead? Lickspittle? Loser?

I’d like to point out my hair isn’t as gray as Ari’s and I’m way older. Also I’m not a total idiot, if we’re keeping score. I’m just typing random crap here because Ari is talking to Sienne on a beach and he’s so boring I just can’t stand it. Sienne also seems way too sane and low-maintenance for Ari.

Kissing starts. It seems less slurpy than with the crazier gals and/or Bekah. Not a good sign.

MEANWHILE, Maquel is calling her mom back at the lodge. She gets the news her grandfather died and we watch her cry on camera. WTF, producers. This is your idea of entertainment? Watching people find out their relatives are dead? What the actual hell is wrong with you?

—

INTERIOR, LODGE: Date card!

Oh my gosh it’s our old friend End Table here to deliver the date card! What a surprise! I haven’t seen you in forever, End Table!

Chelsea Krystal Me Marikh Jacqueline Kendall Lauren Brittney Caroline other women I probably missed. So Bekah gets the one-on-one, and she celebrates.

Krystal confessionals some catty stuff about Bekah being young because yah dudes HATE that ugh icky.

Ari takes Sienne to a Hard Rock Cafe for dinner because he’s as classy as a Trans-am up on blocks. Also as smart as one.

Sienne asks him why he hasn’t fallen in love in five years. Much to her credit she doesn’t say, “Gosh you seem like a pretty broken pretend-man.” She’s talking openly about how growing up dark-skinned made her cynical about finding love because no women in love stories look like her, which is actually pretty interesting. It’s strange to get woke from The Bachelor but you know take it where you can get it, I say.

Ari pulls out the date rose and gives it to Sienne 🌹.

Ari tells her he has one more thing for her and I’m sure hoping it’s a non-famous crappy singer.

SCORE! It’s “Lanco!” Yes, seriously. I dunno if that’s a dude’s name or the band. Lanco is singing that kind of country music where half of the performance is the crazy twangy accent he’s putting on. Like, I think he’s singing, “Killed me up some possums, cooked ‘em up next to the still, took my truck to the levy and put my blue jeans on while swinging on the front porch..”

—

Krystal confessionals AGAIN more catty stuff about the other women on today’s group date. Man the camera loves Krystal...........’s horribleness.

Kendall is talking about herself in third person and why a date in the woods is her thing, because she’s quirky AF. They enter a clearing with a grey-haired ex-green-beret survivalist and his wife. “Together we’ve been married 13 years,” he says, so I guess they’ve been married 6½ years apiece? “The stuff you learn here is the stuff you’ll need to survive in a relationship,” he says, skipping the simile entirely this time. I’m not so certain that’s true, unless drinking pee is vital in any relationship? (Pretty sure that’s just Trump.)

The green beret says the first thing they’re going to recycle their urine. He gives everyone a thermos to pee in. Ari drinks his first, but quickly spits it out. One of the women clearly thinks “all well what the heck” and starts to drink hers and Ari is all “WAIT WAIT! It was just apple juice!”

Ok, what the actual fuck, here. First off, making a bunch of women pee into thermoses is pretty disgusting to start with. I mean, for a guy, we can just stick our doodle in there, but for the women they had to, like, do it blind. I’m imagining it wasn’t a totally sanitary thing. Also it’s just gross to ask people to pee on a date. This is something that a 10-year-old would think is...OOOOH wait it’s Ari now I get it.

Now the wife digs up some worms and Ari and a few of the women eat them and more complain they don’t want to. The couple finds other disgusting things to eat and Kendall is totally down. She seems fun. Ari and Kendall start slurpy kissing and I wonder if they can taste each other’s maggots.

Now the survivalist gives the women packs and maps and tells them to find their way through the woods in teams. Ari’s on one team and the other teams are lost. I guess they needed a MAN. Oh surprise there’s a giant hot tub at the end and the girls strip into bikinis.

They’re giving Krystal SO MUCH CAMERA TIME. (This will make the murder trial easier, sure.) More Krystal. Seriously, it goes on and on. She’s making fun of the women for seeking Ari’s attention, with absolutely no sense of irony.

—

NIGHT, LODGE: The date continues.

More Krystal confessionals AGAIN about how she’s so exhausted watching the women try to get Ari’s attention. I cannot stand any more Krystal. Please, no. I wish I could skip but, again, Hulu’s controls are messed up so a one-pixel click is a minute.

Ari first “alone time” of the evening is with someone I swear I’ve never seen before. I missed her name but let’s call her Lauren because it’s a safe bet. She actually says, “I really like that,” about something he says which leads me into this SNL sketch which is great but honestly kinda doesn’t have any jokes because all this stuff is in the actual show:

SNL “Car Man”

Ari actually said “I like that, I like that” in response to Lauren after I pasted that video which is hilarious. Also her name really was Lauren I seriously was guessing above.

Now Ari’s with Kendall the taxidermist / bug eater. Kendall says (of herself) “and your breath smell like bugs now,” so at least she’s self-aware. They talk about Kendall’s stuffed animals. Then she smooches a lot and she’s a damn fine smoocher. I think I now prefer her to Bekah.

JESUS CHRIST KRYSTAL confessional again. She can’t even speak. She just says the same five words. Juvenile state identity blah blah.

Now Chelsea is confessionalling that she thinks Krystal is being condescending and apparently all you have to do to get camera time is be totes crazy. We see other women talking about Ari and the consensus seems to be that Krystal is just being “competitive,” and it’s not fair because the rest of the women are there for Ari. This isn't quite saying “the right reasons” but it’s close enough to still mark your bingo card.

Krystal finally gets her time with Ari. Ugh I can’t stand the stupid way? She talks? Because like? It’s all upspeak? And baby talk?

Krystal tells Ari she feels there’s a target on her back because the other girls are so jealous of her. “I have...a mix? of emotionnnns?” Ari comforts her by telling her “You’re beautiful and we had an amazing first day and they can obviously see we have a connection [and that’s making the other women insecure].” Way to stoke those flames, Ari! You’ll get to testify at the trial for sure. Krystal starts crying ¡SURPRISE!

Krystal confessionals she’s “Above this...and beyond this.” She asks Caroline and Tia to talk with her in another room. Krystal Krystal Krystal all we see is Krystal it’s the all-Krystal show. Holy god this is getting old.

—

Krystal now tells the other two how much her widdle feewings were hurt by them mocking her smooching up to Ari in the hot tub, which, I mean, uh...how do you unpack that? They both tell her she can pound sand.

Tia gets her time with Ari and she also tells him she’s upset but she does a better job of not being super whiney and fake. Confessional: “He’s just a good dude. And that’s why I’m falling for him.” No, no he isn’t, and man you shouldn’t. He’s a bland dude and you’re projecting what you want onto his blank canvas.

Ari gives the date rose 🌹 to Tia for being “open and vulnerable.” Guess who the camera cuts to! No, go on, gu———KRYSTAL IT WAS KRYSTAL.

—

EXTERIOR, NATURE and shit: I don’t see the point of being someplace beautiful and cold because like if I’m in nature I wanna be in nature not in 27 layers of wool.

More boring confessionals. Guess who says, “I come across as flawless” and so she gets a target on her back? No, really, gue———YES KRYSTAL AGAIN.

MEANWHILE, the one-on-one date starts with Ari and Bekah. Ari confessionals that Bekah “really challenges me, and...I love that.” To be fair he’s also challenged by Highlights for Kids. Also he needs to stop saying “I love that.” Ari and Bekah exchange inanities.

MEANWHILE, back at the ranch, two women are talking about how young Bekah is, because the producers have to set up some conflict for this episode, so it might as well be Bekah’s age.

While I typed that they got in a hot tub and starting smooching. Ari tells the story of breaking his collarbone racing a truck. Here’s an idea: don’t race trucks, dummy. They’re slow and have a high center of gravity and are for hauling shit.

COMING UP: Bekah asks him if he knows how old she is, a clip we’ve seen like 80 times.

—

INTERIOR, LODGE: Women are talking about Bekah’s age again. Man they’re trying to milk this.

EXTERIOR, COLD-ASS COUNTRYSIDE: Ari walks Bekah to another lodge for dinner. Super-exciting. Apparently the Tahoe is 100% lodges and Hard Rock Cafes. Now they’re eating dinner. I wish they’d say anything interesting. “I wanna know everything about you,” Ari says, which is dangerously close to SNL’s “Tell me something about you.”

Ari: “I think the biggest thing I always think about, is, are you ready, would you be ready, if the time was right, and it was the right person?” He doesn’t say ready for what. Let’s just assume it’s butt stuff.

Ari tells her there were times in his life he wasn’t ready (for butt stuff). She asks “How did you know, in hindsight?” Hee hee I’m 12. But still more mature than Ari.

Ari tells her that he’s 36 and “things are slowing down for me.” Jesus man 36 isn’t old. Again, I’m older and I just took up saxophone and started bouldering.

Finally Bekah asks him the “do you know how old I am” question that we’ve been seeing. She tells him she’s 22. Ari covers his face. “Oh my grrrwaad,” he mumbles through his hand. Now they’re playing tension music. Oh as if.

—

Back to AGE-GATE 2018. Blah blah she’s young. Confessionals from both parties designed to build tension.

Bekah grabs his neck and tells him to “stop looking for assurance that you’re not going to get because you’re not going to get that in love.” Wow, she’s mature for her age. Which, I mean, isn’t so hard when you’re 22, but still.

Ari remembers being a dumbass at 22, and so he’s saying she must still be a dumbass. (To be fair he’s a dumbass at 36.) She asks him if she’s Ari. Good point! He explains she is not. Astute observation!

Ari: “Here’s the thing, it’s...you scare me.” The producers are playing the “she’s dumped” music but I still don’t believe it. He’s not THAT dumb.

She finally asks, “How about you, what are you feeling,” and he actually responds, “Let me do this with the rose in my hand,” because he’s the producers’ best friend in the world and a total lickspittle. Seriously, nothing says, “I’m serious about finding a real relationship” like insisting the you have to build tension for your invisible audience.

“I’m worried about us, you know” — I’m calling it right now he’s gonna give her the rose — blah blah blah I feel for you (he’s Chakah Khan now) “BUT, I really really feel connected to you, and you are incredible and surprising and so much of what I’m looking for [blah blah] so Bekah will you accept this rose?” 🌹

Wow, Ari really put her through the damn ringer there. What a gentleman he is, jerking her around like that for the camera. Bekah says, “Why don’t you dump me now and pick somebody else who you KNOW will...” oh man she’s got spirit.

—

EXTERIOR, HARD ROCK CAFE: Why do we keep coming back here? Is this really the center of culture in Bumfuck, Whereverthefuckweare?

Rose ceremony time: The women trot up to, like, a castle? A castle-lodge.

Confessionals from the women, where they’re wondering who will go home. Who? Who indeed!

Krystal says, “I feel like each rose ceremony has brought a little more pressure,” so mark your bingo cards one last time.

More Krystal. Krystal talks more. Krystal some more.

Chris walks in. He’s going to cancel the party, I’m guessing. “There won’t be a cocktail party tonight,” told you so. “Ari has made up his mind,” Jesus this show is so man-centric.

The women assemble to hear the boring child-man’s word, deciding their fate. Bet he cuts Marikh.

Ari says, “Let’s begin,” but then Krystal asks if she could have a quick moment with him, because Krystal Krystal, Krystal Krystal Krystal. It’s like we’re in Being Krystal McKrystalvich. The women are not super-happy about it. We see Krystal whispering to Ari. Krystal says, “I’m not here to play games,” so you get a bonus BINGO mark!

Lauren (which one?) 🌹 Kendall (taxidermy) 🌹 Ashley (very little makeup) 🌹 Becca K (uh) 🌹 Chelsea (semi-cray) 🌹 Jenna (who?) 🌹 Jacquline (JAY-kwellin) 🌹 Marikh! Yay, she’s so pretty. 🌹

Chris: “Ladies, Ari, final rose tonight.”

Krystal and some other gals are left.

Krystal 🌹

We lost Brittney T., the tech recruiter. We haven’t seen much of her. Caroline the realtor is also heartbroken.

The remaining women toast each other. Krystal gets the final confessional. Ugh.

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor, Season 22, Episode 3

VOICEOVER: Previously on The Bachelor…[tons of bullshit + setting up Krystal to be the Big Bad]…And tonight...[skip skip why spoil the ¿fun?]

INTERIOR, MANSION: The remaining blondes are assembled. “How’s everyone feeling today?” asks one in a totally non-scripted question! We recap what happened last time. Luckily I have a rule against recapping recaps so we get to skip this.

One says, “A lot less girls went home than I expected...” I’d just like to point out fewer is the correct word here because “girls” is countable and I’m a prescriptivist. #pres4lyfe

Chris walks in, dressed like a schlub. Look, I’m just being honest. Dress up a little, it’s TV. He tells the women how many of them there are left (math is hard!) and how the dates will work, which has been the same for 22 years, or one “Standard Bekah Unit.” Again, we’ll see this as we go, so not needed.

Chris says, “You know they say behind every good man is a very strong woman,” which isn’t the quote but still manages to be sexist. Why do I think the first date is going to be something humiliating for the women to compete over? I know I guessed this last week and was wrong, but I have a special feeling.

One of the women reads a list of names for the group date. “It’s all about the ring,” is the date theme. The women suspect it’s “Foxy Boxing” (Simpson’s reference; I know women can box, please don’t e-mail me). Tia’s southern accent has gotten thicker I think she needs to throw it in the microwave for 30 seconds before she starts spreading it. Jacqueline the researcher is worried because she’s “not athletic at all” and way to break down those stereotypes for researchers, Jacqueline. I kinda wish she wearing wearing a white lab coat and chunky glasses with her hair up for the first part of the season.

They women pull up to a building whose sign says “GLOB,” and I assume they don’t worship the god of Ooo so I guess this is “Gorgeous Ladies Of Bachelor” and it’s time pro wrestling. Yup I was right about the abbreviation and the humiliation so that’s a twofer.

One of the gals is all, “I’ve never wrestled in my entire life,” as if, like, that’s something special? I mean, I think most of us haven’t wrestled. I wrestled my dad a bit as a kid because he was on his high school wrestling team but even I can see that was the exception. Also it wasn’t pro wrestling it was real wrestling and I finally beat him when I was 17 and we never wrestled again because both of us were equally horrified. Anyhow, not wrestling isn’t like, “I’ve never driven a car before,” it’s like, “I haven’t ever done a biathlon before.” Yah, duh.

They bring out two actual old-skool GLOW wrestlers which semms pretty cool. I mean, at least it’s not like some goddam country singer we’ve never heard of. Also you gotta figure these gals aren’t swimming in work these days and it’s always nice when some old fart gets to relive their glory days. *cough* UH, NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE *cough*.

The GLOWers start off doing a kind of “scared straight” bit where they’re yelling at the women. One of the GLOWers asks the assembled contestants, “Who wants it‽” and Bekah’s hand shoots up WAY faster than everyone else. Good reflexes on her!

“I don’t know anything about wrestling, I’m a race car driver!” Ari confessionals. Someone should point out he somehow manages to sell real estate even though he’s a race car driver, so apparently just driving a car doesn’t preclude all other activities. I mean, you could say this about any sport and any profession. “I don’t know anything about running, I’m an accountant!”

“Today’s date should be fun, because it’s one of those dates where it’s going to be uncomfortable for all of us.” Yes, Ari, that’s also my definition of “fun.” I mean, for me, watching. It’s not what I’d want on my dates, but I’m guessing Ari’s never had a date that wasn’t uncomfortable. 

Bekah’s the first one to do a wrestling roll (that we see) and she kills it, of course. The GLOW ladies are shit-talking the women and this seems off-tone. They GLOWers are clearly not there to have any fun and the women are. They make fun of Bibiana’s name (classy!) and bully Jacqueline into leaving, and she joins Bibiana crying in a corner. Geez the producers really let this get out of hand. C’mon guys literally no percent of your audience wants to watch women who are already being exploited also be bullied.

People talk about the crying. The crying women decide to get back in the fight. The live studio audience is assembled to increase the humiliation. We start with Ari being “forced” to wrestle Kenny (the pro wrestler). Montage of Ari being body slammed and then cheating at the end and pinning Kenny. Man how much did they have to pay Kenny to take that fall?

It’s frankly hard to write a parody of people dressing up as crazy characters and pretending to fight each other. What do you say about this? The gals pair off and do their performances. How much are they paying these women? It’s not enough. I mean, one hesitates to say, “this seem pretty exploitative” on The Bachelor, because duh, but, I mean…

NIGHTTIME, fake trailer park: Ari tells the women that he was uncomfortable during that date. Yah, poor guy, cajoled into a skimpy costume and being yelled at by…wait, that was the women.

Krystal grabs Ari first and he’s all acting crazy into her, and I do mean “crazy.” There are some slurpy kisses. I’m surprised Krystal can still move her tongue because her face looks completely plastic. Krystal confessionals that she thinks she just got permission from Ari to cut him off from the other women, which is NEVER A GOOD IDEA so I hope she does it.

Now Bibiana confessionals that she is going to have to HAVE A TALK with Ari which is also NEVER A GOOD IDEA. Sure, relationships are all about communication, but when there are 18 women you don’t really have a relationship. You’re still, like, at the “we’re meeting at a cocktail party” phase, not “we need to talk about how you act around other women” phase.

Krystal comes into a circle of women talking and (the way it’s cut, at least) all the women immediately stop talking. Because she’s the baddie, see? I dunno if you caught that.

Ari and Tia talk in one of the Airstreams and he’s SO boring it’s amazing. He gives her some smooches.

—

INTERIOR, MANSION: Date card time! “Lauren S., You had me at Merlot.”

Who is this woman? I swear I’ve never seen her on the show before. Social media manager? Like half the women hear are named Lauren and in social media, they could be swapping them in and out and we’d never know.

—

RETURN TO GROUP DATE: Bekah is with Ari. She tells him about her last relationship and how he dumped her but then she was like phew after and then there is SMOOCHING. I’m downgrading my opinion of Bekah as she falls for him more and more.

Meanwhile Krystal is asking the women how they feel about their relationship with Ari and acting like she’s enthusiastic for them but not doing a good job of faking it which is kinda her signature move. When I was a kid there was a shitty knock-off of Wendy’s called Krystal that I remember only because even as a kid who loved burger joints more than life I remember thinking that Krystal just sucked balls. Krystal reminds me of this.

Bekah 🌹gets the date rose and Krystal confessionals that she’s confused by that, because it wasn’t Krystal. Krystal, you’re the shitty burgers of this group of women, and Bekah is In-n-Out.

—

MORNING, MANSION: The women are poolside on their faces slumped over pillows with their feet dangling and it looks like the scene of a murder spree / porno.

Yes, I took a picture of the screen with my iPhone, HAH HAH SUCK IT DRM.

Krystal is telling Mikhel(?) (the beautiful chef who doesn’t get any lines and will be cut this week for sure) about how she’s always had so many men attracted to her and made her women friends jealous, which totally meshes with Krystal being on The Bachelor competing for a mediocre man. It’s great hearing Mikhel say, “Yah,” in response, as if a little of her soul had died having to play along with this limp woman-burger.

Lauren S. is excited about her date! She’s wiggling around a lot. “With one-on-one it’s such a double-edged sword.” I’m not sure a sword analogy cuts it here. Like, would a normal date be a single-edged sword? The meaning of “double-edged sword” is you can get cut at the same time you cut your enemies (not if you’re at all a decent swordsperson but play along) so I don’t get who’s supposed to be stabbed on this date. 

A limo takes her to an airplane. She also comments on the red carpet, like Krystal did on her first date. This feels like when they call out the unknown singer and pretend it’s a huge deal. Does Disney make red carpets now? Everything else ties back to Disney.

Oh, they’re going to Napa valley, what a non-surprise with “merlot” on the date card. I was just in the region a couple weekends ago, I had a nice spa weekend at Indian Springs. Anyhow: “This is a very Lauren S. date” Lauren S. actually says about herself. She says the “S.” I think I’ll start saying “Wil S.” when I talk about myself. That’s not awkward. At least, Wil S. doesn’t think it is.

Ari confessionals that she’s piqued his interest but I’ve LITERALLY never heard anyone use the correct word there (everyone will say “picked my interest” or “peaked my interest”) so I’m pretty sure he spelled it wrong in his mind. C’mon, you know he did.

Ari talks about how he likes going to bed early because he’s a huge stud. “The last five years I’ve just slowly started going to bed earlier...and started wearing cardigans.” I admit I’m pretty surprised at the tack he’s taking here.

NIGHT: Oh man they’re already somewhere at night drinking wine together. Sorry I kinda missed this whole date because it’s a total snooze fest. They drank wine in Napa, guess what is was like? Yes you guessed it boring people drinking wine.

Ari: “So today I asked you how you came to come...” She laughs at his awkward construction, “How I came to come here?” 

Lauren launches into a billion-word history and Ari isn’t sending her any signals that he’s interested or listening or that he speaks English. He does seem to enjoy his meal. I mean, obviously the producers cut most of his lines to make it look more like Lauren’s a huge chatterbox, but it certainly doesn’t appear there’s any chemistry anyhow.

INTERIOR, MANSION, NIGHT: Date card time. One of the girls is nervous about going or not going? I dunno I kinda glossed. Names are called. “Love is ruff...” I’m guessing they are going to wash dogs.

OMG Annaliese is already freaking out AGAIN because she’s afraid of big dogs because “in my childhood I had a traumatic experience with a dog.” Damn this woman had a LOT of traumatic experiences. I wonder if she was surrounded by dogs and they were like all panting and furry and not doing anything the slightest bit scary? Or maybe they were driving bumper cars. Playing poker?

INTERIOR, SOME WINERY, NIGHT: Lauren S. tells him she hasn’t been herself all day, and he listens and then pulls out the rose and says “Sorry, I can’t give this to you.” He drones on with the usual excuses “And...this is my first kind of hard goodbye.” Whoa TMI on the chub status dude.

Ari holds his rose and goes up on a rooftop (maybe?) where violinists are playing (or maybe they were cut in later?) as near as I can put together. It’s all dramatic AF.

Back at the mansion, we see a PA come for Lauren’s luggage. Some women sobs so hard that Bekah (wearing some kind of indoor bikini thing?) rushes to hold her.

Krystal explains to the remaining women how this shows everyone how serious Ari is about the “whole process.” She reminds me of brainwashed cult members who see every thing that happens as further proof their existing mindset. “This paperclip here proves that god is indeed both resilient and also round in places...”

We see Caroline leaving the group because she’s sick of Krystal’s BS. I wish I could leave the group.

—

EXTERIOR, PARK, DAYTIME: Ari has some confessional but I can’t hear it because Hulu has messed up their idiotic interface so you can’t change where you are in the video with less than about a minute’s precision. You literally had ONE JOB Hulu. ONE JOB. Video controls have worked for like 30 years, and you managed to mess them up.

OK, anyhow, the women are paying with dogs. We see them having fun. Waiting now for Annaliese to spaz out in...3...2...YUP! 

They’ve gotten a tiny blonde girl to star in young Annaliese’s story of how she was playing with a dog once and it bit her, which is legit scary. “I almost lost an eye,” she says, and I mean I know I sound like a dick but I kinda don’t believe that? I mean, I know you can lose an eye to a dog, I just don’t believe she almost did. Like, maybe “almost” as in, “if the dog had bitten me in the eye, and a lot harder, I would have lost the eye, but that’s not what happened.” Then, sure. Anyhow it’s nice Annaliese is keeping this child actress in work.

EXTERIOR, MANSION: Bibiana and Tia are drinking and decide to pray. They pray one of the girls gets bit by a dog. I’m not clear if they’re serious. I don’t understand Christianity.

EXTERIOR, “THE GROVE,” LA: The girls and the dogs are going to put on a “performance,” because what would this show be without tossing the women in front of audiences when they’re ill-prepared and watching them flounder and be humiliating? Oh, wait, it’d be a dating show, which is what we tuned in for.

Fred Willard is helping emcee and he’s the literal best. He says he’s happy to be there, and comments Ari “is courting these girls, doggy style—I don’t know if that’s the right term.” He’s like 80 years old so he sells what would otherwise be a totally cornball line.

Fred: “I’m having fun already watching (*sotto voce*: I’m not sure what she’s trying to get the dog to do...)” Fred tells a dog poop joke that I believe is over a hundred years old (really). Fred’s the best thing on this “date” and I want him to emcee every show and every date from now on.

INTERIOR, SOMEPLACE SWANK, NIGHT: I have no idea what this place is.

Ari asks Chelsea to join him first. OMG don’t feed the crazy! This is two in a row, first he’s all grabbing Krystal then Chelsea. They both have that kind of plastic-faced emotionally unstable thing going on, so I guess he’s got a type. Chelsea is jawing a lot and they’re having a completely content-free conversation. Ugh, just get to the smooching, this is actually worse.

Annaliese is wearing a dress where the front is just straps and I’m pretty sure I see her areola? I mean, you’d think she would’ve noticed that in the dressing room or when she put it on tonight, so I could be wrong. But she looks like Emily Blunt so just let me have this.

Ok, Ari was talking to another gal and kissed her a bit. If they said anything at all interesting I’d repeat it. Some blonde gal is all up in his grille and his body language isn’t into it but she gets a kiss.

We’ve seen a huge montage of Annaliese confessionals that she’s worried / not talking to Ari enough / feels behind, and now finally we’ve settled on her time with him and she’s choking. I don’t think she’s used to pursuing, or being with someone this stupid.

Chelsea comes back and interrupts Annaliese and admits to Ari it was “to steal a kiss” because she’s got to mark her territory.

Ari’s with Becca K and they both seem pretty drunk and he tells her she looks really good in yoga pants and they smooch. Ah, dumb people in love.

Date rose time! OMG he gives it to Chelsea 🌹 again. I can’t believe he’s serious about this. He seems really dedicated to the crazy.

—

INTERIOR, MANSION, NIGHT: Cocktail party time. Lots of voiceovers and everyone says “connections,” “relationships,” “time,” and other buzzwords. If you’re playing The Bachelor Drinking Game call an ambulance now.

Ari toasts the women with inanity. Ok, there’s a blonde woman here in the lineup who I swear has never been on the show before. I bet she’s a secret Lauren. Maybe they have a Lauren-making machine in back?

Bibiana is planning something special for Ari tonight, with what looks like a bed and a tripod so I’m assuming it’s a porn shoot?

Oops, Lauren B. came out onto Bibiana’s bed thing (it was a telescope not a camera, so no porn), and they started kissing on it. I mean, c’mon, the producers are the ones who found this bed for her (unless she went to Bed, Bath & Beyond today and rented a truck to get it back here? no), and they set it up, so like they easily could have steered Ari elsewhere. This is just manufactured drama.

Bekah and Ari are lying on the bed now. She tells him she doesn’t need him, and that’s why he likes her, because normally he goes for women who need him more than he needs them. “And maybe that’s why you like moms, too.” OUCH too real. Ari confessionals he likes Bekah, duh. Now TONGUE KISSING of course. SLURP SLURP Ari defiles Bekah further.

Analiese decides she needs to kiss Ari because all the other girls have. I doubt this gambit will work.

Now Ari has (I mean the producers) set up some hay bale and “moonshine” for Tia and these set pieces are killing me. Ari smooches her on a bale of hay. He keeps talking about the setup and why he picked it for her and he’s such a crummy liar. Like, he’s acting like he went out today and bought hay bales and moonshine for her. Come on.

Now Analiese is leading Ari to her planned kiss location. She tells him that she’s stressed because she’s wanted a kiss and she heard the girl has to go first but she’s not that kind of girl. Ok, it kinda seems like from this speech that she IS that kind of girl, except passive-aggressive about it.

“Are you asking me to kiss you?” Ari asks. “I just doooon’t think we’re there yet.”

🔥OH MY GOD. HE SAID NO.🔥

“No, that’s FINE!” she says quickly, which is marginally better than her exploding in a puff of smoke. At least she’ll be coming back to SF soon.

Taxidermy gal is with Ari now, and they start super-smooching.

Meanwhile Analiese is inside crying. Marikh and Chelsea tell her she needs to be even MORE assertive. Yes, double down, it’s the Age of Trump, every mistake should be followed by the same mistake again. This is cut with some gal climbing all over Ari and smooching him. Ok, she’s straddling him now.

OH GOD Analiese decides to confront Ari. Bekah: “Oh, Analiese is going again? I can’t watch this. I can’t watch!”

She asks Ari if he feels there’s no potential, which is a fair question. Ari says, “I think going into the rose ceremony I hadn’t put much thought to it,” but to be fair that describes everything in Ari’s life. But he tells her he doesn’t see it with her. BAM she’s gone. Back to my city with Analiese, which gives me a dilemma because she looks a lot like Emily Blunt but is also afraid of cars and dogs which is like maybe a tad high maintenance even for me. Also it’s been like 100% of the things on the group dates that she’s been afraid of so I suspect if I took her to Indian Springs she’d be all, “When I was a little girl I was at a spring, and my...*sobs*...feet got a little wet!”

The women all remark how shocking it is for them when he sends someone home. I’m not sure what show they thought they were on?

—

ROSE CEREMONY: One of the women confessionals that Ari sent Analiese home (what? this is the first we’ve heard of this, or the second, no wait 100th time) so now she’s “feeling a little bit anxious, because hey, he’s not f*ing around.” Ok, again, are you really shocked and/or impressed that he sent one woman home on a show that’s about sending 29 women home one after the other? No. No you’re not.

Bibiana confessionals she’s nervous and she should be because she’s totes on the chopping block. She not his kind of cray at ALL.

Ari says, “Tonight I had to make one hard decision, and there’s one more to make.” Only three women cut this week? Jesus they’re dragging this show out. Can’t you cut like five at a time? For me?

Caroline (I dunno?) 🌹 Kendal (taxidermy) 🌹Ashley (usually doesn’t wear much makeup) 🌹 Lauren (is there only one?) 🌹 Brittney (uh) 🌹 Becca K. (who?) 🌹 Sienne (don’t remember anything about her) 🌹 Krystal (🚨🚨🚨) 🌹 Tia (country not-Raven) 🌹 Maquel (formula one) 🌹 Jenna (climbs on him to make out) 🌹 Jacquline (who?) 🌹 

“Ladies, Ari, it’s the final rose,” Chris intones, then goes back to other room where his scotch & soda awaits.

MUSIC SWELLS. The women have all been voiceovering that they would LOVE to get a rose, much to nobody’s surprise. But one woman won’t! Which one? Can we even remember which one is which? I have no idea who’s left! Bibiana, for sure, and someone? Oh, Marikh the gorgeous chef. Hmm, what do Bibiana and Marikh have in common. Something...I just can’t put my finger on it.

Marikh! 🌹 She lives to fight another week, I was wrong. I thought they’d be cutting more women this week. She’ll be gone next week.

Chris: “Bibiana I’m sorry, take a moment, say your goodbyes.” [Also give us a second to hide the knives.]

Ari walks Bibiana out. Ari: “You’re amazing... It’s just these decisions aren’t easy.” Yes, those are words, Ari. Alas, they’re not words that explain why you dumped her, but they were English words, so we’re going to give Ari a participation star! ⭐️

Ari toasts the women with something about each week getting better. If only. 🍾

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor, Season 22, Episode 2

“Tonight on The Bachelor...” skip skip skip once is enough “...it's all coming up tonight on The Bachelor.”

EXTERIOR, PEREGRINE FALCON: Why?

We hear the famous red-tailed hawk scream that lazy foley people have used for decades. Ari's in the scrubby mountains astride an ugly Harley-Davidson P.O.S. and I'm sorry if you like Harleys but seriously they're loud and heavy and don't perform very well and every single one I've seen in town is ridden obnoxiously. We've got a guy here in the Castro who rides a red one and at 2am almost nightly he'll rev his engine again and again for up to a half hour, for no reason except to annoy everyone. It’s not like I’m a motorcycle hater, I rode a Duck for many years but Harleys are just stupid.

EXTERIOR, MANSION: The women toast each other “to love.” Sure, lotta love in this room. We get quick cuts of the women saying they like Ari. This is a huge surprise, HUGE.

Chris calls the hoard inside: “The hope is that just one of you will be Ari's wife.” Wait, so still no polygamy on this show? Jesus, what year is this. “...and that's the craziest thing to say to 21 people sitting before you,” add Chris, apparently overlooking, “I have a spatula and I will spank all your bottoms until you admit the moon landing is fake, you arugula pirates.”

Bekah is looking super perky (enjoy this while you can). Bibiana confessions she wants a date, a big surprise on a dating show about dates. This is Bibiana’s episode so just assume if I elide something it’s a Bibana confessional. Also I have no idea if I’m spelling her name right or anyone else’s also I kinda don’t care?

Hot Mess Chelsea talks about how the producers *cough* I mean Ari gave her a rose last night because she's “a little bit mysterious” which is a funny way to pronounce “CRAY CRAY” but whatever.

Becca K. gets the first date card, all by her lonesome. She is...the publicist? Ok, I'm cheating and reading her title card, because I don't remember anyone but Bekah and the taxidermy gal, who I internally call “girlfriend #1″ and “girlfriend #2″ because I’m a lonely and sad man. I think maybe this Becca is the one who had him propose to her first thing out of the limo?

Ari drives off with Becca on “his” shitty motorcycle. Becca confessionals that she's happy to be paired with a “handsome race car driver” which seems like an oddly specific wish. Like, I've heard of having a type, but if your type is “handsome race car drivers with the IQs of 10-year-olds” then maybe time to rethink priorities.

Hot Mess is asked by the producers (via a proxy contestant) how she feels about Becca getting the motorcycle date. She doesn't disappoint them, “A little jealous...I love putting myself behind something a little bit more powerful than me.” I get she's that trying to sound naughty and exciting here but that construct doesn't make much sense. In what other situations are you putting yourself behind something more powerful than you? I mean, a car is more powerful than you, so do you love it every time you walk up behind your car? What about tractors? Does being behind a tractor get your crank going?

Unbelievably Insane Krystal tells the women that her dad was in a motorcycle accident so she wouldn't be down with going on the ride today and it goes over like a lead balloon in a hospital ward of people suffering from lead poisoning who also are afraid of balloons. One of the assembled women kinda slowly says something like: I...guess...it’s...good...you’re...not...going? because how do you respond to that.

Ari takes Becca to, like, a loft or something they rented out? And introduces her to MEGA-superstar designer Rachel Zoe who I'm sure you've all heard of without googling her because OMG she dresses the stars or something? Becca is supposed to pick out a dress for the evening, from among a ton of very, very sparkly dresses. Rachel Zoe has never met a sequin she didn't like.

After some dress-trying-on Ari tells Becca that she'll get to keep all the dresses and then gives her some spiky Louboutins which even I know are super-goddam-fancy. This is an awesome set-up by the producers — the first woman they pick is a nice, small-town, inoffensive gal it'd be hard for anyone to dislike, and she's getting a classic small-town-gal / “Pretty Woman” scenario without the pesky whoring of the original. Also this sets us up for DRAMA because she's getting like $15,000 or so worth of stuff and I'm now completely convinced the next group date is going to be the women shoveling actual shit (they've done it before!) just to make the other women super jealous.

Ari lies about how much he wanted to spoil her with this date as if he set up Rachel Zoe and paid for the dresses himself, hah hah. Now some Very Serious Dude approaches them with glasses on carrying a briefcase: “Neil Lane sends his regards.” I expect him to shoot them both but instead he gives Becca earrings, which is disappointing but maybe more in tune with the audience. Ari then spends a lot of time brushing her hair away from her ear so the camera can see the earrings that NEIL LANE gave her. Did we mention Neil Lane enough? Because he’s no longer satisfied to just appear at the end of the show with his goddam blood diamond rings. They kiss and he holds her hair back, which is something I usually reserve for...well, not kissing. But those NEIL LANE earrings! They gotta be seen!

Becca totters into mansion full of women the carrying her metric ton of loot and admits she was "more nervous to come back here," which makes sense. But the producers fail to get any catty quotes from the women and actually they all seem kinda excited, so, like, foiled again!

Becca confessionals she's nervous to see Ari again on their evening date. “It's like the butterfly nerves.” I don't know what those are? I've heard of having butterflies and having nerves but not butterfly nerves. Are butterflies known for their nerves? I mean basically they land on flowers and drink sugar water all day. It seems pretty chill.

Ari plies a sparkly necklace onto Becca because apparently she doesn't have enough phat loot. She says, “I was told you can fix my brakes on my car,” and I'm like damn woman how much more do you need here? I've had women literally offer to make sex tapes for me just if I bought them Louboutins. (I declined—I mean, those things are expensive! Oh also I have my pride, ahem, right that too.)

—

INTERIOR, MANSION: Literally Insane Krystal gets the date card. She can't stop talking in a combination of up-speak and baby talk and it's so grating I can't believe I'm voluntarily watching this. I would run a mile to avoid her. She also looks to me like she's had a LOT of elective face surgery, because her smile is completely uncanny valley, and that’s a pretty scary thing for a woman in her 20′s. Look, I know there are impossible standards of beauty in our society for women, but when you start cutting up your face and turning it into an hideous plastic mask, well, that’s crazy town.

—

DATE, NIGHTTIME: Becca (we’re still on her date) is telling Ari about her dad's death from cancer because that's super hot. Becca is a nice gal and possibly as simple as Ari, they seem like a fine couple to me. I have nothing mean to say about her, except I think her cross wrist tattoo is dumb but I pretty much don't like any tattoos, so. Somewhere in all this he gives Becca the rose.

Ari tells Becca she gets to keep the earrings (I bet she assumed it at this point, because she’s making out like a damn bandit) and then he pulls a handle in the bizarre loft thing they’re in and confetti flies everywhere because who doesn't end dinner with confetti? That's not at all strange.

—

INTERIOR, MANSION, MORNING: Unbelievably insane Krystal is strutting around the mansion and talking in her baby voice. It sounds like, “Mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah.”

She's driven to a plane. “HiiiiIIIiiiIIiiiii. Oh my gooooooooooooosh,” she minces to Ari. (Today she’s flying Air Ari.)

Let's pause here. I've been watching this show “UNreal” which is co-created by an ex-PA from The Bachelor and although it's a bit crazier than the real Bachelor it does show how much the PAs interfere and connive and this whole Krystal thing makes me super uncomfortable because of it.

Krystal has, in my opinion, real personality problems. All my alarms go off with her. So the producers are like, OMG, she feels abandoned by her family, she was an abused kid, she's vulnerable now, she has a huge aching need to be liked, LET'S SEND HER TO ARI'S HOMETOWN TO SEE HIS HOUSE AND MEET HIS FAMILY ON THE FIRST DATE because she'll get nuttily attached and when she gets back she'll be a complete bunny-boiler.

Krystal: “It's crazy to think if I lived with Ari, this...could be my life!” EEEEEEK RUN A MILE DUDE RUN A MILE.

Krystal is just SOOOoOOOoooOOoOOO excited to see his home videos and his photo albums, which are oddly analog (he's not THAT old).

Now they're outside his parents’ house. This is just disgusting me. She meets the whole extended family and she's SO EXCITED OH MY GooOOOOooOOD. Krystal asks the parents, “How did you guys meeettttttt?” and I've never heard anyone drag the final consonant (fricative?) like that I feel like she wanted to do a baby talk/upspeak version of that phrase but she ran out of words before she got a chance to add any annoying fake verbal contrivances so she panicked and dragged out the t.

—

INTERIOR, MANSION: Women are figuring out who hasn't gone on a date. A date card arrives, pretty much all women are on it. “Let’s hit love head-on!” it says. Spoilers: they actually back into it, which would have made a funnier date card tag line. Like, “You're fine mother-flippers, why don't you back dat ass up?”

—

EXTERIOR, LA: Krystal: “Where are we goIIIIIING?" They're having dinner at the Bradbury which is like the coolest place ever and now it's been tainted by their bullshit and I’m pissed. They didn't even mention Blade Runner so they're double-dead to me.

Krystal cryfessionals that she's afraid to open up to Ari which, like, GO WITH THAT FEELING, GIRL. YOU ARE CRAZY MAYBE KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

But instead Krystal tells the story of how her family split up and her parents were neglectful and she later found out her brother was living on the street and couldn't figure out how to save him. Of course this is a legitimately sad story but MAYBE not what you share on national TV and/or a first date but whatever.

The issue here is Krystal is obviously incredibly damaged by her past and she should never have been put on this show. She's not a "ha ha hot mess" pretend villain she's a genuinely messed up person and this is the last thing she needs. She needs help and support not to be deprived of sleep and competing with other women and filled with booze.

Ok, Ari is actually being a gentleman about her crazy history and she's melting in his affection and he has no idea the fire he's lighting. Not yet.

He gives her the date rose, and applies some tongue therapy to her. “It was an easy choice to give Krystal the rose, she really was vulnerable...” no no no gonna stop you right there.

They walk to a small theater somewhere and CONNER DERMIT is on-stage, singing his hit song, You've never heard of me, have you? They slow dance to Conner's crooning and I'd like to give a big shout-out to "Audio Rents" in LA who managed to put a big green sticker on Conner's mic right where the camera could see it perfectly. Maybe after this gig Conner can afford his own microphone! They’re not that expensive, Conner, I have a nice Shure one myself and I don’t even sing.

Krystal confessionals how she's held back in love but her speech patterns are so bizarre that I'm amazed how much she sounds like Jason Mendoza on The Good Place. I wonder if she watches that show and is like, “Gosh, he's my hero. He really get it.”

—

INTERIOR, MANSION: Krystal confessionals, “It felt really amazing this morniNNNNNg: waking up, and having my rose?” She should maybe have breakfast cereal instead of roses.

The women are grilling Krystal but she won't tell them anything about her date, she claims it's personal and private (a-OOOG-ah! a-OOOG-ah! Red flag!) but I suspect also because she kinda can't remember things from a day ago or even when they leave her field of vision?

—

This also marks the spot where producers have had a talk with Bekah about her boobs so the rest of the show she is no longer so perky. I imagine the conversation went a lot like this.

—

Most of the remaining horde is now piled into a bus, wearing sporty outfits. They're going to participate in a demolition derby! This seems...kinda insanely dangerous? I mean, they're taking precautions, but still.

Bekah has managed to find a way to be far skimpilier-dressed than all the other women — she's wearing shorty-short-shorts vs. everyone else’s yoga pants. I admire her tenacity. It's like the old saying, "When god closes the door on no bras, he opens up a window into micro-bootie shorts."

(I'd like to mention I'm in no way trying to "slut-shame" Bekah — she's a very fit person and I'm super-stoked she's so comfortable in her own body. SUPER DUPER stoked.)

Ari pulls up in his beater car with great fanfare. The women are all told to paint their cars and then smash into each other until their cars don't move. Again, this seems pretty dangerous.

Annaleise has a breakdown and is crying and doesn't want to do this. Now, this is a legitimate thing because smashing cars is pretty dangerous and I'm sorry I know I'm going to hell but I can't take her seriously here...because: Mikel(?) is nominated to lob her the softball, "If you don't mind me asking, why are you so scared?" And Annaleise is off! I'll just summarize: when she was little she was on bumper cars and her car was "trapped" in middle of other cars and she was upset.

The producers dramatize the story with a nightmare video sequence of bumper cars and screaming where they're clearly mocking her, then they switch to some of the women openly mocking her in confessionals because the producers aren't allowed to just get on-camera and openly mock the contestants themselves, so this is as close as they can come. Who knows if anything bad actually happened to Annaleise and the producers just cut it to look like she’s trying to get attention? Not me.

Ari comes and comforts Annaleise and she decides she can do it after all. Hmmm.

—

Ari instructs the women to back into other cars because all the good stuff is in front. I'd beg to differ, but to each his own.

Cars bump. Some women are especially aggressive, including Bibiana which is funny because she doesn't have a driver's license.

“Annaleise took a big one in the back right there!” says the announcer and I'm not touching that. Annaleise smashes a ton of cars and ends up having fun.

Sienne wins. They show Sienne taking a victory lap and the lazy foley person twice dubs in the sound of tires screeching on the mud field. C'mon.

There’s a group shot with all the women in their fireproof racing suits and Bekah is the only one who’s taken her top down. I really appreciate the extra effort Bekah always puts in. She's like that Matt Damon impression of Matthew McConaughey: "Today's scene, I think it'd be a good opportunity for me to take my shirt off."

—

EXTERIOR, CASTLE(?), NIGHT: What is this place? LA Castle?

INTERIOR, CASTLE(?): Brittany couldn't make it to the afterparty because apparently she hurt herself on the track today. I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO.

We see a lot of confessionals from Bibiana because they're setting up some major DRAMA. Hot Mess Chelsea grabs Ari first again and of course everyone is pissed, but Chelsea hasn't even seen crazy yet. Oh she’s about to be overshadowed big time.

Chelsea tells Ari about her kid. Wheee, what a shocker. We already know Ari's a MILF-hunter, thanks to Emily. Chelsea tells the group how she opened up to Ari about how she left her kid to be here with him and Mikhel(sp?) the very beautiful chef is having none of it and is all "we all gave something up!" You go girl.

Sienne is talking to Ari and she went to Yale and he's like, "I had a cousin in Yale...his name was Yim Yonson!" (Not really.) But it's pretty clear she's WAYYYY to smart for him. Ari actually says (to camera) "I barely graduated high school and worked a Pizza Hut," and you gotta give it to him, he knows his limits. He gives her the old smooches, though, because chix can’t resist the smooches.

We see a big montage of women talking to Ari but in the context of Bibiana having a meltdown because she hasn't gotten any time with Ari. She's M-A-D MAD. I mean, I don't blame her, I'd be totally over this show from the first word, but it’s good TV so have a lot of hot-headed Latina action. My hotheaded Latina friend is watching with me and I’m actually afraid I’m going to catch some fallout from her sympathetic anger for Bibiana.

Now Ari is telling Bekah she's sexy. Her voice is like ear whiskey. They start smooching and the camera does NOT pull away. It's a LONG and WET and SLURPY kiss. I think she's pregnant now?

Cut away: Ari picks up the date rose, “Chelsea: You really opened up to me [more stuff]...and um, Sienne [more stuff] you impressed me today,” and he gives the rose to Sienne. What the hell was with mentioning Chelsea first? Why did he pick out just one woman to mention before the one he was actually giving the rose to? Seems like a dick move.

—

MANSION, NIGHT: montage of women talking about Ari and the politics of rose night.

Ari is a simple man and gives a simple speech to the women. Blah blah rose time is coming.

Ari first talks to Brittany who had the unspecified demolition injury. He gives her a certificate that says "Most Hardcore," and tells her "You can hang it in your room!" because he really is a 10-year-old and his room has all kinds of trophies and certificates on the wall from boy scouts and the like. Also probably an award from Pizza Hut for being “Most Meh Employee.”

Now Ari and Bekah are talking and her voice is so sexy I think I am pregnant. Ari tells her he wasn't sure if she liked him and she’s all no you’re silly and I want to throw up and finally they get back to smooching because seriously they have nothing to say to each other. Smooching sitting down, smooching against the wall, they smooch and smooch. Bekah knows how to smooch. I give this three more episodes before she realizes how boring he is. Bekah: "I'm simple, no drama; I'm easy to please.” Apparently really easy to please.

More Bibiana feeling upset about not getting time with Ari. The whole arc tonight is about Bibiana wanting time and will she get cut?

Krystal confessionals that she's going to talk to Ari some more at the cocktail party even though she has a rose and had a whole day with him. Her voice intonations are seriously crazy. She is unhinged. I think alcohol is messing with the medications I hope she takes. Krystal interrupts Lauren B. who "didn't even have a date this week."

Bibiana confessionals she thinks Krystal is a "selfish BIiiiIITCH" (emphasis hers) and I think that's the first time I've heard that word on this show? The Bachelor’s a pretty conservative show considering how obnoxious it is (c.f. blurring side-boob), which is actually kinda the M.O. of all conservatives, really.

Krystal is crazy-talking to Ari and as far as we see he doesn't kiss he — it seems like he's wising up. The scenes they show he seems more “placating” than “snuggling.” She talks to the other girls about her visit with Ari and her tone is so bizarre I can't even watch it.

We see Mikel(sp?) the beautiful chef asking Ari what color his underwear is and I feel like she's not really making good use of her time here. She's the most gorgeous woman on the show but the fact that they've only shown her say one thing per episode (and it’s been lame each time) means she didn't last long (remember they cut all these shows after the show has wrapped). Ari is the kind of dude who looks at a bucket of fried chicken and is all, "Mmm, I like that dry, tasteless white meat!” so I just don’t think Mikhel lasted long.

The taxidermy woman brings him a stuffed dead thing which I think is great. She's my definite backup after Bekah rejects me. Uh, I mean my first choice? Sorry taxidermy woman whose name I've forgotten. Lauren? I want to say Lauren. Anyhow I love you baby it was always you.

Bibiana finally gets time with Ari. Lots of fanfare. Ari's talking about having his dog in LA with him. Krystal pops her head in. "Hi guysssssss? Do you mind if I...stepped in for a momennnnnnt?" I feel like the producers MUST have put her up to this one, especially because we didn’t see Krystal planning it with the other women and I’m 90% sure Krystal couldn’t open a door without making a plan of attack first. Bibiana respond, “I actually do,” and even Ari says, “Yah, just one minute.” He's starting to. Realize. The. Mistake. He. Has. Made.

Bibiana confessionals how much she thinks Krystal sucks. Krystal says to Ari, “I just...only had a minute and I just...couldn't imagine...going into the rose ceremony even though I already had a rOOOoooose...” and it goes on like that.

Krystal comes out and joins the women and Bibiana tells her off. You can guess how that goes. Bibiana is furious. “When you learn to speak to me like a normal human being and not with a fake tone I can actually respect you and listen to what you have to say but if you really think I'm going to fall for this little ‘Lalalalalalaalalal’ [Bibiana shakes her head side to side] you HAVE to be kidding me.”

It’s not the most eloquent speech but I mean maybe it's healthy for Krystal to hear it straight from someone. She’s got to drop this baby/upspeak act if she’s going to join the human race. I honestly don't see Krystal as a villain, she’s a victim in this — a truly hurting person who doesn’t have the tools to deal with this kind of situation.

Bibiana tells her off a bunch. It hurts because, again, Krystal isn’t an evil person, she's just really messed up and needy.

Ari is summing up the evening with Chris: “Some have exceeded my expectations, and then some have slipped back a little bit.” When Ari says the latter the producers cut forward to Krystal in the lineup holding her rose, which in this case I don't think is much of a stretch — I think even simple Ari has started to realize that Krystal is WAY over-invested in this. If you've ever seen “Blue Jasmine” (the last Woody movie I could manage to watch, thanks for being such a dick Woody I used to really look up to you) Krystal is basically Cate Blanchett's part in this except it’s not a movie it’s her real life.

The women are lined up to be judged by a mediocre dude who likes to drive cars. Wheee.

🌹Maquel. 🌹Jacqueline. 🌹Bekah (DUH). 🌹Jenna. 🌹Chelsea. (I don't remember any of these women, sorry.) 🌹Lauren S. One of the Laurens! I think there's three? 🌹Tia! She's the not-Raven with not-surgery. 🌹Annaleise, who hates nicknames. 🌹Lauren B. I feel like I've never seen her. 🌹Kendal! The sexy fun quirky taxidermist. 🌹Brittney, the whiplash victim. 🌹Ashley, who was worried about going home but it turns out was fine. 🌹Marique, the super beautiful chef who will be cut next week and I'll be sad. 🌹Caroline. Don't feel bad if you don't remember her we've only seen her say like one thing.

Chris: "Ladies, Ari: this is the final rose tongiht."

MUSIC: BUM BUM BUM bum bum!

🌹Bibiana! What a shocker except not at all since they've cut the whole show to be about Bibiana.

Chris: "Ladies I'm sorry..." blah blah.

Some lady I don't recognize seems fine with being cut and hugs him and says goodbye. Maybe a Lauren? Seems like a safe bet. Valerie the server with a red wash in her hair who is SUPER beautiful hugs him goodbye. She reminds me of a movie star or someone else I like a lot and I'm sad to see her go but again we've never seen her say a single line on-camera so we can't be surprised.

The final blonde woman (maybe a Lauren?) is sniffling and stomps past Ari without saying goodbye. He can't abide this! All women must pay him obeisance, even if he just cut them. "Can you give me a sec!" says Ari to his throng as if the women had any ability to decide their own fates on this show, and follows her.

“Hey,” he confronts her. Her hands are on her hips. Ari: “I'm sorry! C'mere, give me a hug at least.” He grabs her clearly against her will. Not OK, Ari! I know you're 10 but you can't force women to hug you just because you feel bad that you made them feel bad. That's not OK!

Unknown possible-Lauren says, “Can...we...talk about it, at least?” and I’m now wondering why she blew past him if she wanted to talk? Ari pulls out the “I had to make tough choices" excuse and I feel like after 22 seasons the producers have a finely honed list of excuses they give the dudes to recite so they don't look like jerks.

Unknown woman says, “I’m not...sad about you, I'm sad about leaving my new friends,” which, I mean, that's a baller move and I respect it but you didn't really need to stop and ask him to talk if it’s true. You could have said it in the limo and it would have been badass.

Ari says, “I know you made friends, but at the end of the day it's more than that here, you know?” It's the second time he's said “end of the day” which is two more times than I've ever said it in my life because it's incredibly trite.

Also, why DON'T they let the rejected women stay in the house? That'd be freaking awesome. They could all carry on with the remaining women and dish and they wouldn't have to bullshit any more and it'd be hilarious. Also if some of us in the audience developed crushes on the less-bland women (*cough* Mikel *cough*) we’d be able to keep seeing them every week even after the main guy decided the only flavor he enjoys in vanilla.

“Okay, give me a hug!” Ari demands and grabs her. She doesn't, like, visibly move away but I'm still saying, don't demand hugs from women. You're not doing this for them, you're doing it so you can feel better, and that’s shitty. Hugs are intimate, don't demand intimacy from anyone.

Unknown possible-Lauren voiceovers “I got...broken up with, for the first time. So, like, shocked!" and look unknown woman I want to be on your side but yipes. First off, you did not get broken up with, you’ve barely spoken to this guy, you weren’t going out. Second off, if nobody's ever broken up with you maybe you have an issue? Like are you dating guys way beneath you, or do you end relationships early because you're afraid of being hurt or you get bored and need to move on? None of these are good looks. You should be dumped. It's part of learning and growing and figuring out what you want. I’m not ashamed I’ve been dumped, I’m only ashamed of the relationships I chickened out of that I should have stayed in.

Unknown possible Lauren: “I literally came into this thinking that I would end up with him,” well c'mon you just said you didn't like him and only liked the other women you're ruining this. She actually shows her fangs: “But he literally picked a [laughs] taxidermist over me.”

OH NO YOU DID NOT. Nobody attacks my #2 girlfriend! "Taxidermist lady" is awesome and creative and fun and she's WAY sexier than you if you want to be shallow. (Which I do, let’s be honest.)

"I just feel like I embarrassed myself." Well, not until you started tearing on the other women, you didn't.

Meanwhile, inside, Ari toasts to an amazing week, and how he's learned a lot about himself. His toast is amazingly Ari-centric, except maybe not amazing because he’s Ari, the 10-year-old.

Hopefully one of those things he’s learned is DO NOT TAKE CRAZY TO MEET YOUR PARENTS.

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor, Season 22, Episode 1-ish

Ok Hulu is making a mockery of the entire idea of episodes this season, since ABC decided to create a bullcrap "Countdown to…" episode out of pure fluff before the actual season stared, which is not the kind of fluffing I'm interested in.

Hope you enjoyed that screenshot because it's now impossible for me to get screen captures of the actual video on any of my devices thanks to DRM. Yay, technology. Surely ABC/Disney is saving billions a year now that I can't post pictures to my stupid tumblr.

"The exciting season premiere of The Bachelor starts…right now!" intones Chris Harrison. I assume this is as opposed to the previous season premiere, which wasn't exciting at all.

MONTAGE: Ari the bachelorette-reject getting into a race car. "Race car" in an anagram so it's the same backwards and forwards, just like Ari. No, not Ari the name, I mean Ari is so dull it'd be the same talking to his face or the back of his head. Ari's also doing real estate now and drives a very expensive Mercedes on camera.

FLASHBACK: Five years ago, when Ari got shot down by Emily, the world's most boring woman. This had to be especially galling because her fiancé was a racecar driver who died in a plane crash, and she was still like, "Look, I think I prefer the dead race car driver to this live one."

"I started falling for Emily…after our first date," Ari voiceovers nigh-tautologically. (He did NOT fall for her before he met her, so that's good.) We review his whirlwind _no_mance with Emily, ending in her dumping him on a bench. Ari was so sad, he thought for sure he'd found the extremely boring woman of his dreams and they'd have extremely boring children. Imagine being so boring that even Emily thinks you're dull. _shudder_

CUT TO: Ari and Emily being interviewed on "After the Rose."

In flashback Chris explains how Ari flew to Charlotte after the previous season ended and left his journal on Emily's doorstep…which she never read. Wait…what? That's super creepy. I mean, why'd he leave it on her doorstep? Like, he must have asked to see her, and gotten shot down. Then he was like, shit, I flew this whole way…I know, I'll just leave my journal on her doorstep, like I'm in sixth grade! That seems totally sane. Ari's whole schtick is that he's mentally 10 years old.

Ari gets "advice" from success-story couple Sean and Katherine, which has become an annual tradition for the show. "Look, this couple had an actual kid!," the producers are telling us, "Not every relationship fostered from a lack of sleep, jealousy, booze, and national humiliation has failed!"

—

EXTERIOR: mansion, at night

Chris explains how great Ari is, ending with "arguably the best kisser we've ever had on the show." Well, that's awkward. How would Chris know this?

—

Let's meet some of the women!

Chelsea is an ombre blonde (thanks to @DanaSchwartzzz for the term and the joke I'm totes stealing) who's a real estate assistant and single mom. "It's not always easy, and it's not always fun." Well, this has completely changed my view of single parenting, thanks for tearing down our preconceptions on what we had all assumed was the easiest job ever.

Caroline is a realtor and I'm already sensing a theme here. She's not an ombre blonde so a bit of a curve-ball here. She brags she's really good at her job and we see her wearing a completely bizarre evening mini-dress with those slits in the side that make everyone look fat (she's not actually fat!) while selling a house to a couple at noon. She's excited the Bachelor is Ari because she "grew up around cars" and news flash it's America we all grew up "around" cars, they're f'ing everywhere.

Maquel (you can't make these names up) is an omber blonde who takes wedding photos. She likes standing at the end of piers and looking thoughtfully down at the water.

Nysha is an orthopedic nurse and is not an ombre blonde! In fact she's dark-skinned and gorgeous. She says she loves dealing with gunshot wounds which is not something I would have thought orthopedic nurses dealt with much but hey she's the nurse I'm gonna trust her. Her philosophy is "the more blood the better for me" which is not necessarily the motto I want in my nurse? We see her feeding ducks and I'm frankly worried for them. She says she's ready to "jump out of the plane again" as a metaphor for her willingness to be with Ari and we can all agree it's good Ari didn't use this simile with Emily.

Tia is brunette with blonde streaks and I'm not sure if that counts. She's a physical therapist and her southern accent is so thick she probably doesn't butter her english muffins in the morning she just talks at them. She's friends with Raven, the "Bachelor In Paradise" regular who's maybe most famous for seeming kinda sane. We see Raven telling Tia, "You're very lackable, so I can't see someone not liking you." That's what I heard anyhow. Like every contestant, Tia wants to fall "head-over-heels in love" which is ironic because I'm pretty sure the dudes all want the ladies heels-over-head.

Kendall is an ombre blonde "creative director" which could describe just about any job? She apparently has something to do with taxidermy. She's cute as a button and has "never had a relationship over a year" so right there she's my perfect woman. We see her playing ukulele in a tree serenading a stuffed dead seal because did I mention she's quirky AF, ya'll? She's wearing one of those tops where it's off the shoulders but then there are little sleeve things that may or may not be attached to the main section? I wish I knew the name of those tops, I just love 'em.

Bekah is perky AF and not an ombre blonde. She's a nanny and likes rock-climbing and being perky. Seriously did I mention she's perky? The camera loves Bekah and we'll be seeing a LOT of her.

Marikh is an Indian restaurant co-owner (so not blonde). We hear her mom telling her she'd like to be a grandma so way to tear down those stereotypes, Marikh's mom. "I hope he's ready for my spice," she says which, like, is that a real expression? It seems awkward. How about: "I hope he can handle my flavah!"

Krystal in an ombre blonde fitness coach. She has "cut the first week" written all over her. She volunteers for the homeless because her little brother is on the streets and great now I'M THE OGRE FOR MAKING FUN OF HER. She says she's always diving into things and "it's time to focus on myself" which I don't feel makes much sense in the context of going on a dating show?

—

INTERIOR: limo at night, women are boozing it up.

PAUSE TAPE: I haven't even watched this scene yet but here's what'll happen: they're going to talk about it being Ari and each describe how they really want him because he's dreamy and shit and one of them will say something that seems kinda creepy and awkward.

UNPAUSE: Shots of the gals enthusing about Ari in the limos. I dunno if the woman yelling and clapping "We're about to meet the Bachelor!" inside the limo qualifies as creepy but it seems awkward so I'm giving myself partial points. (Nobody said he was dreamy.)

EXTERIOR: mansion at night

Ari's limo arrives and Chris Harrison earns his paycheck by broing down with the Bachelor. Ari says he's nervous. "You're fine going 200 miles around a racetrack, but this makes you nervous?" I don't think distances are what make people nervous about racing, Chris. I mean, I drove like 200 miles last weekend so I guess I'm Evel Knievel up in this joint.

Chris notes that it's been a while that Ari's been on the bench, which, yah, I mean if you're pulling Bachelors from five years ago it doesn't speak super highly of the recent contestants.

INTERIOR: limo at night, pulling up

"Oh my god what a stud." "He is SO handsome." "ARI!" Ok I feel vindicated.

EXTERIOR: mansion

Caroline (realtor) gets out first. She makes a realty joke which isn't a genre of humor known for being funny.

Chelsea (single mom) is speaking slowly and seems high AF. "She's interesting," Ari says the way you might say, "Well, he's special."

Kendall my quirky wife-to-be is up. "She is so nervous," says Ari.

Seinne — we haven't met her — in real estate, also, but not a blonde. She gives Ari elephant cufflinks which seems kinda big for a first encounter but elephants are her favorite animal(!) and they never forget. "Don't forget to find me inside," she says which was long way to go for a pretty dadly joke.

Tia sounds exactly like Raven and looks enough like her that I'll just pretend she is kinda Raven. She's from "Weiner, Arkansas" and she gives Ari a tiny plastic penis to remember her by. That's so kinda-Raven! "Tell me you do not already have a little wiener." ("Well, it IS kinda cold out," Ari says in my head.) "Keep up with that," kinda-Raven says mysteriously as she walks away and he slowly turns his new penis over in his hands.

QUICK CUTS: women think Ari is cute and stuff.

Bibiana is a Latina executive assistant. She seems authentic and sweet so I'm guessing it's her last night here.

Bri is a non-blonde sports reporter and she throws him a literal softball but doesn't make any dad puns about it on camera so she really…

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

…missed the ball.

Jenny is an ombre blonde graphic designer and I initially typed her name as "Jenni" because everyone else has stupid spellings so I just started assuming.

Brittane J. is a marketing manager and a woman of color, her gimmick is a bumper sticker on his butt.

Jacqueline is a non-blonde research coördinator who looks interesting and I'll add that umlaut until the day I die.

Krystal the fitness coach gets out of the limo and is clearly a hot mess, her gimmick is a gratefulness exercise.

Nysha the vampire nurse totters out in a dress so revealing they blur out her side-boob.

Valerie the not-blonde server gets a twirl.

QUICK CUTS: women talk about how many women there are, how they're all pretty.

Bekah pulls up in a vintage ('72?) red convertible Mustang. Bekah's too perky for this show. She says, "I may be young, but I can still appreciate something classic," because Ari's like totes an old at 36. So far we've had women mock his dick size and his age and I feel like maybe this isn't the best approach but what do I know I'm single.

QUICK CUTS: women talk about Bekah's entrance, one says it's a '65 Mustang so I'm way off. kinda-Raven says she herself got a little wiener watching Bekah come in. Me too, kinda-Raven. Me tooooo. Hot mess opines to her crew "that cherry red looks better on your lips, bitch," which, like, I don't think Hot Mess knows how insults work. That was just a compliment with the word "bitch" added. Like, "You're sure the most interesting woman here, bitch."

30 minutes down, 53 to go.

—

INSIDE: Hot Mess says, "My concern is he has a lot of girls to choose from tonight," which makes me think maybe she didn't read the large print on her contract?

ANOTHER LIMO: Jenna the social media manager is an omber blonde who flaps her arms around a LOT when she talks. Like a LOT a lot.

Jessica is an ombre blonde television host and looks like she works for Fox News. 'nuff said. Her gimmick is giving him a rock, like Charlie Brown? At least it's not a penis.

Marikh (Indian restaurateur / potential future wife for me) says she "uses a lot of spices but I could still use some salt and pepper in my life." Again with the picking on his age. Is this a good approach? I mean, he's not Roy Moore.

Olivia the marketing associate is a woman of color and we literally don't hear her say anything to Ari after the intro because they cut away to various white women dubbed over her about how there are too many other pretty women there and I mean is this a perfect metaphor for America or what.

Becca K. is a non-blonde publicist and her gimmick is telling Ari to get down on a knee and propose to her which, I dunno, maybe is a bit quick? Warning flag on the field.

ANOTHER GODDAM LIMO: the word from inside is Ari is handsome, surprisingly.

Lauren S. is an omber blonde social media manager and we've seen a lot of media related women now. I mean what happened to dental assistants? Back in my day…

Lauren J. is an omber blonde "recent masters graduate" and I'm guessing she got an English degree because, you know: unemployed. Her gimmick is giving him mardi gras beads and she'll be cut tonight.

Lauren B. is an omber blonde tech salesperson and the producers clearly are having fun with the women in this limo.

Lauren G. is a executive recruiter BUT a woman of color instead of a blonde and WOW the variety of Laurens is just overwhelming my senses!

CONFESSIONAL: Hot Mess confessionals, "Four Laurens walk into a room — sorry, terrible ending for a joke — and none of them get chosen." You can actually see her fangs come out in this shot.

YET ANOTHER GODDAM LIMO: Ashley is a brunette but she's another real estate agent so we get partial points. Her gimmick is she's carrying a finishing flag and she says, "I hope you finish first," and it's the first time I've heard a woman say this. Ari says with absolutely no emotion: "i love the race car jokes they crack me up" and you can tell when someone really loves a joke when they explain with a dead face that they did.

Brittany T. is a tech recruiter and a woman of color and I have no idea if we've seen this combo before it's all a blur of Laurens and recruiters and real estate agents and blondes. Her gimmick was speaking Dutch poorly.

Amber the _a_mber blonde owns a spray-tan company and her gimmick is cussing at him? I dunno what they beeped.

Ali is an omber blonde personal stylist and she asks Ari to smell her to see if she stinks. She calls it a "pit stop," and she won't be here in the morning.

We're scraping the barrel here folks.

Annaliese is an omber blonde event designer and I'm not going to mock her because she lives in San Francisco so I've got a shot here, folks! A real shot! Her gimmick is she's wearing a mask and won't take it off. Yah, that worked great for the last guy who tried it. I wish I could screencap perky Bekah's eyeroll at Annaliese but: DRM. Just imagine the perkiest eyeroll in the world.

There's a big overproduced bit where Maquel pulls up as the passenger in a two-seater(!) "Formula 1" car that was driven all of fifty feet and it's dumb. We later see Ari get behind the wheel of the "Formula 1" car and rev the engine just like a big boy!

CONFESSIONAL: Hot Mess says, "She was one of the last, and maybe that's her position." Holy cow the claws are out on crazy.

—

QUICK CUTS: Ari is cute. Perky Bekah notes Ari has a "full head of hair." I would like to point out I also have hair. CALL ME, BEKAH!

Chris Harrison sums up that we have 29 beautiful women. Surprise woman coming? Or surprise dropout woman?

Ari enters the mansion. He toasts his menagerie. Hot Mess grabs him immediately for her one-on-one. Other women are shocked, SHOCKED that Hot Mess would be so selfish.

Race car woman swoops in and takes Ari from Hot Mess. She has now made an enemy for life. Hot Mess tells the others how much Racecarette sucks. Perky Bekah tells us how Hot Mess is kinda cray cray. Racecarette also seems horrrrrrible. Like, Kardashian bad. Also at some point she complains about how she was convinced she was "going to die" as she was driven 10mph for 50 feet down the driveway of a mansion in that "Formula 1" car. So brave. So, so brave.

Ari is getting therapy from a non-blonde in a red dress who seems like she's actually really smart and there's no way she'll last. Brains != longevity on this show.

Three of the women of color are talking about dating white guys which is really interesting since this show used to be lily white and never acknowledge race. The producers seem to prod most of these questions out of the contestants—I honestly admire how they've tried to make the whole show more diverse MODULO THE OMBRE BLONDES AND WOMEN NAMED LAUREN I mean jesus baby steps people. Anyhow they agree basically that they'd date a white dude if he's fine enough and let's face it this is why racism will die out — we be horny.

Ari races a Brittany T. in miniature cars and she get a kiss reward. I'm sad none of the other women make a joke about playing the race car(d). Opinions are had on her kiss! Was there tongue? No, because Brittany has class. Hot Mess isn't having it, surprisingly.

—

We come back from break and free-spirited, quirky Kendall is playing her Uke for Ari. Honestly I'd have a hard time picking between Perky and Quirky here. She's written a custom song for him which is impressive but I myself would have played "Remember me! Until you're in my arms again, remember me!" because there's no way Ari would pick up on it being from Coco. (Although I'm guessing he's seen Cars dozens of times.)

CONFESSIONAL: The Mask points out that in real life if 29 women were competing for the same dude at a bar they'd just pick another dude. First time I've seen that acknowledged on this show. We see women try different strategies to get time, including feeding him (pizza, fruit). Flappy Jenna rubs his feet (seems…intimate for a 29-on-one first date?), he opines that's she kinda "wild" which I think means "yikes." "I couldn't understand what she really did…like, does she do social media, does she own a pedicure shop?" Wow she is so cut. Unless they keep her around for the drama, wait what am I saying of course they'll let her flap away for a few more episodes.

Annaliese takes her mask off with Ari. He asks if she goes by Anna and she flatly says, "I'm not a nickname person," and OMG red flags already. Wonder how she feels about metaphors? Similes? Potential land-mines abound here. She tells him her last relationship lacked passion which translates to: she is GOOD 2 GO.

QUICK CUTS: Talk about the first impression rose coming.

Becca K. tells Ari hopefully his mock proposal to her was the "first and last time" so I guess she's saying she doesn't want him to get married ever?

QUICK CUTS: First impression rose is set down, more talk about it. "Ok this is for real," etc, etc.

—

There's a rush of women trying to talk to Ari now that the rose has been thrown down and honestly the women are being really sweet to each other about it. Some producer failed to fuel their rage or something? Someone's fired.

Spray-tan lady tells Ari she owns a spray-tan place (again) and pretty much that's all we've heard her say on the show ever so she seems PRETTY one-dimensional at this point. Wait, I call a do-over on that one. She seems PRETTY monotone at this point. (Get it? Spray-tan? Monotone?)

Hot Mess decides to take a second turn in all this chaos because WE NEED THE DRAMA C'MON PEOPLE WE'RE LOSING THE DARK. The producers spend a bunch of time with her voiceover confessional of how she doesn't care if she steps on toes and there's like a five-minute sequence watching Hot Mess walk towards him on the couch with another woman. He ends up kissing Hot Mess several times with tongue ick don't put your tongue in crazy.

Hot Mess goes back and tells the women, "OMG I just met Ari for the second time." Their faces say it all: how can you meet someone twice? why would you steal another turn? why are you bragging about it to us? "He's still the same charming person." Well it's nice to hear that time hasn't changed him.

Ari tells kinda-Raven "Full disclosure I am a total nerd," and she touches her heart, "same," and he continues, "I do love corny jokes." I just want to smack them both. Stop stealing my culture you jerks liking corny jokes is NOT nerdy. Being nerdy is staying up until 3am trying to get an extra two cycles shaved off your latest alchemic machine in Opus Magnum then tweeting about it.

Ari is FINALLY talking to Perky Bekah, on a sheepskin flung over the back seat of the Mustang and jesus the producers love her. I mean, we all do, really. The other women had to jostle each other for time but they've set up this whole tableau for Perky Bekah. P.B. asks him to "name three things that make [him] excited to be alive" and his #1 answer is actually "excitement" because he's ten. P.B. calls him on the redundancy and shifts in her seat, "'Excitement' makes you excited to be alive?" she says like Perry Mason. He says, "Well yah…" and she actually laughs openly at him. "I mean…adrenaline? Adrenaline I guess, you know." He didn't study for this quiz and he's sweatin’. He didn't know there'd be a test! "Other thing would be like, pizza." Oh Ari. So…you like race cars and pizza. Like, say, a ten-year-old?

Bekah's shoulder game is on fleek and she's waaaay too good for him but it'll take her like 5 episodes to realize this and bail. And I'll be here for you, Bekah.

Ari picks up the first impression rose and Bekah jumps up and is all, "Let's go see!" and encourages other girls to follow after her to find out where it's going. She's got the right attitude to survive this show. Bekah is SHOCKED to find out it's Hot Mess getting it and so are we kinda except honestly this is just producers creating drama because there's no way she made that good of an impression on him even with her tongue. If they gave it to one of the actually interesting women there'd be no DRAMA, but like with pro wrestling you gotta let the evil one win the first couple rounds.

CONFESSIONAL: Hot Mess says, "I'm not competitive by nature…" and that's all we really need to say here.

Chris Harrison appears and clinks his glass, because his job is REALLY HARD ya'll. It's rose ceremony time!

QUICK CUTS: Women don't want to go home tonight. They also don't know who'll be cut! These and other revelations.

—

The sun is rising over the mansion. Twenty-nine women line up to be judged by a mediocre man-child who is reasonably handsome but otherwise unremarkable.

Ari gives a speech about how he has to send some women home, but no hard feelings, k?

🌹 Becca K. — mock proposal brunette. 🌹 Marikh — indian food. Kendall — quirky AF. 🌹 Lauren G. — executive recruiter, not "Regulate" singer. 🌹 Krystal fitness makes it past week one I was wrong and honestly what was I thinking of course the ones they did profiles on survive the first week. 🌹 Perky Bekah, not like there was any doubt. 🌹 Lauren S. — social media Lauren. 🌹 Seinne - real estate. 🌹 Caroline - first realtor with interesting daytime fashion choices. 🌹 Brittany T. — tech recruiter, not to be confused with the executive recruiter, who is a Lauren not a Brittany.

VOICEOVER: while roses are being handed out we hear Bibiana saying how much she wants to be picked but she's nervous.

🌹 Bibiana is finally called. PHEW we were worried! 🌹 Annaliese "DO NOT call me Anna." Never bet against crazy! 🌹 Flappy Jenna — because TV loves crazy. 🌹 Valerie - red wash brunette server who's made among the more sane comments this show. 🌹 Jacqueline — the research coördinator in the red dress who I liked earlier because she seemed smart. 🌹 Jenny — graphic designer, but don't be fooled by the rocks that she got.

🌹 Lauren B. — tech sales person and that only leaves 🙅 Lauren J. without a rose (as predicted!) and can you imagine being the worst of all the Laurens on The Bachelor? Ouch. 🌹 Ashley real estate — this is the first time I've seen this show where they've been able to say "Ashley" without adding a last initial.

CONFESSIONAL: Racecarette tells us with some shock that she is actually worried she might not get a rose. (Did I am not a fan of her at all?) "How terrible would that be if I was expecting something and I did not get it." My god. Can you even imagine not getting something, when you wanted it? That's just not fair! Someone should invent a word just for such a feeling. Consider me shook.

🌹 kinda-Raven - I just noticed she has a tattoo on her left arm I think they've been trying to hide it.

Chris Harrison re-appears, as he is the only one with the counting skills to announce: ONE ROSE REMAINING.

QUICK CUTS: women don't want to be cut.

🌹 Maquel — that's Racecarette so it turns out she'll never have to experience what it's like to want something and not get it. God bless us one and all.

Ari says goodbye to the women who didn't get roses. At this point they've been up all night and it's light out and they're clearly all frazzled beyond reason. Some are crying and let's be honest if you kept me up all night drinking and judging me I'd be crying no matter what.

Amber the spray-tan lady cries on camera, which is like catnip to the producers, and they overlay that with footage of Ari toasting his remaining horde. Ari intones "I'm so happy I have an amazing group of women in front of me." I'm reminded that I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy, but clearly Ari chose differently.

Ari tells the women this week is going to be a little bit different, because he's in the driver's seat. Another race car joke! Will they ever get old?

Spoilers: yes.

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor: Season 18, Episode Juan

Aah, he's covered in blood! He's killed them, he's killed them all!

This season on The Bachelor: the Bachelor has an accent! I guess they got tired of being called racist.

I skip to 1:40 so I don't have the season “spoiled.” God, how I treasure these moments I can skip.

They’re doing a photo shoot with “Juan Pablo.” Filming a photo shoot: a trick they learned from porno so they can double the mileage for any given situation.

This is only at 2:02, folks: it’s going to be a long, shirtless ride. Here he is stretching topless! Now he’s jogging topless. He refers to the show as “El Bachelor” because he grew up in Venezuela and you know, it’s the law if you spend time anywhere you have to revert to that language periodically so everyone is aware. I knew a gal in college who went to Ireland for one summer and when she came back and said “aye” instead of “yes” for three years.

Oh, he’s a sports consultant in Miami. He here is in a totally unposed scene with a player who I guess carries around a GIGANTIC trophy wherever he goes. I guess he’s homeless, maybe?

Poor dude. You’d think they’d pay him more after he won that huge trophy.

Ah, he used to be a professional soccer player. And, oh god, he has a daughter, “Camilla.”  Wow, they’ve really refined their selection process, here. This guy is like cocaine mixed with catnip. Cocknip?

More Camilla. More. More of it. Minutes and minutes of daughter action as he blathers on about how he’s lurking for lurve. “I wanna have two more kids badly.” Why not try doing it well this time?

“This process is about finding the person I want to be with.” Whaaaaaa duh fuh? What show am I watching?

Coming up: Sean comes over for a giant hormone bro-down and gay sex.

—

Apparently Comcast’s player doesn’t play ads on my machine. Nice. Good thing you guys decided not to allow your show on Hulu this year, geniuses.

—

We come back to the stupid daughter. Ok, she’s not stupid, I’m sorry, daughter, if you’re reading this. I just don’t want to watch another goddam kid on this show. Oh, shit, I’m sorry, you’re not goddam. God’s probably neutral about you. Neutral at worst, I mean. He might even like you? Fuck, I dunno. This is really your issue.

Juan Valdez decided to call Sean to get some bro advice on how to bro out on his bro-tastic show. Imagine two jocks talking about how to nail 25 chicks and you’ve pretty much got the feel of this.

Sean advises Exxon Valdez to not kiss women in front of other women. Truly, he understands the wonder that is females. Sean also says he’ll have a lot of “hard” nights. Hee hee. But he should trust his gut! Your gut! It’s the touchstone of the show. Remember the gut!

Juan Pablo showers in preparation for meeting the women.

I want you all to remember this later, when I’m posting pictures of women’s butts. I’ve put in the time here, ok?

Juan shaves but he’s still as fuzzy as he was before. He’s like Don Juanson. What? Nobody? Miami Vice? 1980s? Big jackets, Commander Adama?

MEANWHILE, Chris finally appears at the mansion. The least-hard-working man in show business. “Hi, I’m Chris Harrison, and blah blah blah met a man generated excitement [how do you measure that?] blah fans loved his stupid daughter [sorry, you’re still not stupid] blah blah Juan Pablo-fever has reached epic proportions [luckily I got my Juan Pablo shot at Walgreens]."

Let’s meet some of the women who’re coming to meet One Pablum. Chelsea lives in Ohio and is a big silly! She has ugly eyes and I’ve already written her off. She’s learning Spanish to be with him. Ooh, what’s that scent you’re wearing? Why, it’s Desperation, by Chelsea of Ohio.

Renee starts off in a bikini, bless her heart. There’s a good shot of her butt. As someone who’s becoming a butt man, I have to say I appreciate its overall meatiness. Thank you, Renee. She loves her son, Ben. Maybe Ben can date Camilla?

Andi is a gang prosecutor. They have a whole fake scene where she’s supposed to be at work, except, like, the courtroom is empty. Not great staging. Andi hasn’t “come to terms with the fact that I’ll be dating the same guy as 24 other girls.” Well, technically, ten of you are getting cut before the first date, so he’ll only be “dating” 15.

Amy J. is a massage therapist, which wins a lot of points with me but she’s not in a bikini or anything. My bar’s now been set artificially high. She’s giving some super-muscular dude a massage that looks like it involves a happy beginning, middle, AND ending. “None of the men I’ve dated have enjoyed massage.” Jesus Christ! You must really, REALLY suck at your job. Then she says she wants to be appreciated, and they act out a scene where she says, “Juan Pablo, I made you breakfast!” and does the fork-is-airplane bit:

Run. The. Fuck. Away.

They show her writhing around and fake-swooning for him. Hopefully they don’t let him see these before the show starts.

Nikki is a blonde nurse! She’s preternaturally perky!

Lauren is a Mineral Coordinator. I thought they’d run out of ways of saying, “cocktail waitress.” I kid! I’m sure her job is very glamorous. You know, telling those minerals where to go, making sure they meet their deadlines.

  Lauren’s going on about her most recent ex, and the sad music is playing. She met a man a year ago, and after a bit, he dumped her! OH MY GOD. “It’s something you just don’t get over!” Um, yah, actually, you do? I mean, normal people do. Like, if you were playing Family Feud and the clue was “Something you get over,” the number one answer would be “A Break-up.”

Valeria is a personal trainer. She hopes the other girls look like her pet goats. “C’mere ugly!” she says to the goats. “Ugly people need love, too.” Well, the producers are definitely keeping her. No question. She’s in for six or seven shows until she does something so far beyond the pale that they get to kick her out with a big parade. “Not only am I a pretty girl...but I’m not afraid to file these things [her nails] down and scratch some eyeballs.”

Ah, gold. The producers have struck gold. I bet they took turns snorting coke off each other’s dicks when they saw her tape.

Lacy is from La Jolla.

She’s from a family of 13, with nine of them special needs. I’m not shitting you. She owns a nursing home and probably has already been sainted. Great, now I’m going to be the asshole for making fun of her. Wait, I’m the asshole anyhow. How freeing!

Claire is 32 and part-Mexican, so she can relate to ¡El Bachelore! Her dad died of brain cancer. Sad music...crying. Geez, this show is a damn roller coaster! Her dad made a DVD before he died, that nobody has seen, just for her future husband to watch. NO PRESSURE, JUAN.

—

Still no ads. This is great.

—

Chris is back. He looks all sweaty and tired from the five minutes he had to talk earlier in the show.

“By popular demand: Juan Pablo!” Jan Pebble pulls up in a limo and says some stuff to Chris.

Chris tells him he has MORE than 25 women. What? Yes, there are two extras, because he’s so damn cute. Now he has 27 problems and a bitch ain’t Juan.

Amy L. comes out of a limo in a red dress. She seems pretty but she hasn’t prepared a skit or pratfall, so who cares, really?

Amy got a big old butt.

They catch an awesome shot of Juan watching her walk away.

Yup. Juan likes big butts. It’s a theme, here. See if you notice!

Cassandra is a former NBA dancer, and immediately sets off all my “crazy” bells. She’s real pretty but they run out of things to say in two sentences and the sounds editors IMMEDIATELY dub in some crickets. Come on, guys. Let us get warmed up first.

Christy is a marketing manager. Mneh. No skit.

Juan Direction sighs after she leaves: “I am likeeng thees first leeemo, hmm.” Which is petty funny.

Christine is a police support specialist.

I’m assuming “police” is her nickname for her dress.

She brought a gift for his daughter. That’s almost like a skit, but I demand more humiliation.

Nikki the nurse finally appears. Juan must have said he love-love-loves the bottle blondes with big butts. And she has a prop! Finally. She’s brought a stethoscope so he can listen to her heart pounding.

Kat is a medical sales rep and is ALSO a bottle blonde. He certainly has a type. She tells him he should teach her to salsa, and they bust a move. That’s like a skit, but it’s kind of blah. Where’s the gal dressed as a poodle who says, “I’m doggone in love with you!” and that kind of shit?

Chantel is an account manager. She’s black. She teaches Juan Deryears how to pronounce her name, which is, like, exactly how you’d say “Chantel.” No surprises there! I guess she figures since he is muy no nativo he probably doesn’t know fancy American names. Juan Bubbles doesn’t make any comment about her, so she’s going to be cut very soon.

Victoria is from Brazil and is smoking hot.

Oop! Here we go!

Lucy is a “Free Spirit” from California and they’ve dressed her as a flower child. They’re playing their “derp” music in case it’s not clear we’re supposed to see her as comic relief. She hasn’t come three feet out of the limo and I can tell you she’s getting cut the first night.

She’s not wearing shoes, because she’s such a free spirit and/or loves tetanus. However, she did shave her pits. Look, we’re doing comedy here, folks, not horror.

Danielle is a nurse, she’s pretty cute. She says she hasn’t planned anything (thank you!) but “I have a present for you inside, so we’re going to have to make some one-on-one time.” I’m assuming she means “inside my vulva.”

Time for another skit.

This gal is, like, bicycling a piano to the mansion? I’m not sure, I just grabbed this screenshot, hold on.

Yes, I was right. As insane as my guess was, that’s what she’s doing. Lauren S. is a music composer. I’m guessing she had to leave for this show months early to get that thing here on time. Christ, this mansion is on top of a mountain, too. Imagine her calves! And her butt!

She’s not that great a player, and hits a few wrong keys. She’s so nervous he has to run inside  after her to ask for her name. I’m guessing when he lets her go he’ll be all, “Our relationship didn’t start on the right note.”

LIMO 3. So many limos. Too many, some might say.

Chelsea is a science teacher. She’s brought props! “I thought: Why not do a little science experiment?” Uh, because it comes off as desperate? Yes, I’m right again.

Suddenly she throws the props in the bushes and says, “Instead of doing chemistry, we don’t we just have chemistry?” Oh, I know this one, too! You don’t have chemistry because you seem really desperate. Two-zip.

After all these years there must be so much detritus in those bushes. Remember the Mormon guy’s skateboard last year? Bushes.

He checks out her butt, too. For science!

Valerie the probably-psychotic personal trainer who lives on a farm with goats comes out next. She’s wearing cowboy boots, and says, “You can take the girl out of the country but you can’t take the country out of the girl.” (I suspect the statement that actually applies to her doesn’t have that extra “r” she added.)

Elise is a first-grade teacher who’s a bottle blonde with a thick butt. Surprising, I know. It’s like Sir Mixalot was the casting director this season. (This is the second time today I’ve typed “Sir Mixalot” because I talk about butts a lot. Verdict: I like them.)

Ashley is a “25”-year-old grade school teacher who has had a lot of cosmetic surgery for being 25. She has brought him a gold star as her skit, it falls flat. Her voice sounds like she has been smoking for fifty years.

Juan von Peebles asks, “Is there somebody else in the limo,” because the line producer asked him to because, seriously, nothing has happened tonight except women coming out of a limo, so why would you wonder that aloud right now?

Cue derp music and the foley guys to add a bunch of grunts as we see someone struggle to come out of the limo. Oh, look, it’s more comedy relief.

Yes, she’s “pregnant.” This might be funny except they already did this gag on “Burning Love,” which is Ben Stiller’s hilarious send-up of The Bachelor. So they’re stealing jokes from their parody. This seems low, but not as low as pretending you’re in a fight with a woman on a plane on Thanksgiving just to grab headlines.

—

We come back to the women in the house nattering, to delay the excitement of finding out that gal isn’t actually pregnant. One of the girls comments they’re “waiting for the crazy person,” which is just real enough I kind of believe it’s not scripted.

MEANWHILE, outside, fuchsia mom waddles up to Juan Pedro. Clare is a 32-year-old hairstylist who can’t spell her own first name, so that’s two strikes right off the bat. (With the “baby,” not the hair thing.)

She tells him she knows he wants more children and then she asks him to feel it and then says, “So not real!” Ah ha ha! You fooled us none!

Juan Pardo says, “You look gorgeous with that belly!” Well...I guess we know what his kink is. I bet he’s a big fan of Jennifer Love-Hewitt.

Alli the nanny comes out with a soccer ball, and says, “I’m looking for a team-mate.” They’re doing props this year but nobody is really committing to them except crazy piano gal. Alli isn’t a blonde but DOES have a big butt. He checks that action out.

Time for Amy J. the overly-attached massage therapist. She says, “I just want you to know I’m here for you, because it’s you.” This is her actual face when she says it:

He says, “ooooaaaaahhhh,” and this is his actual face:

Yah, she’d get cut tonight, except the producers already love her. She’s going to be like episode 8.

Renee the real estate agent / single mom / bikini wearer comes out. Spoiler alert: we already know SHE has a good butt, thanks to her foresight with the bikini. She has a nice smile and seems pretty great so far.

Laurel H. the mineral coordinator (again, wtf?) comes out, with the tragedy of her life trailing behind her like a musk. She makes crazy chipmunk faces at him and I hope to god he cuts her the first night like a sane person.

Maggie the personal banker is a brunette with a big butt from Georgia. She brought him a “fishin’ hook” because she likes to fish.

A dog comes out of the limo, followed by Kelly the “Dog Lover.” No, really, it says that. As her career.

She’s cute as a button, but, you know, you have to decide for yourself how much crazy you’re willing to take with your cute.

The seventieth (or so) limo arrives. Sweet jesus. More foley sounds of women clamoring.

Lacy the super-hot nursing home owner / saint / my perfect woman emerges:

I think it’s fair to assume Lacy is the new Catherine. She brought him a huge bottle of pills from “Cupid’s Pharmacy" because she thinks the other women will give him a headache.

Look, she’s a smoking-hot saint so we’re going to let this slide, ok? She gets a pass on like the first six dumb things she does.

“Remember to take two pills and think of me!” It’d be awesome if he’d say, “But I don’t think I can open the bottle with only one hand,” but that’s just me.

Alexis, communications director, brunette, butt.

Kylie the interior designer is a bottle redhead! Wow, we are really mixing it up now. 

Sharleen is an elegant-looking opera singer, and surprisingly doesn’t explain to him how to pronounce “Sharleen,” instead she just, you know, says it aloud. She’s kind of reserved. He says, “I can’t wait to hear you,” and she pulls back and says, “Ugh. We’ll see.” I like her.

Andi the A.D.A. (the occupation, not the law) comes out last. She’s all done up and looks kind of like Emmanuelle Chriqui. I suspect she’ll last a while.

—

Chris Monotone comes out to bro it up with Juan Carlos: give out a first impression rose, how you gonna handle all these homies, etc.

Juan joins the women. The opera singer gives him her drink (pure scotch?) which I think is classy. Still like her.

Juan’s surprisingly honest to them about how much he loves having beautiful girls around him. “Can you see each other? You guys look good!”

He gets a tiny shitty radio (seriously, this mansion doesn’t have a stereo?) and plays music and throws a dance party with his harem. Gotta hand it to him, he knows how to handle this situation. Plus, there’s a photo booth, which proves to the women that Juan Padron is into having fun! Because I’m pretty sure that’s actually his booth that he brought from Miami, and not just something the producers got.

Nurse Nikki gets first one-on-one time. She’s ok.

“Mom” is next—he calls her that. I don’t think he realizes that might seem like a stigma to her. He slaps her leg and she slaps him right back. I’m liking her. Bad editing when a cameraman gets his shoe in the left side of the frame:

Mom confessionals that when you have kids you have to cut to the chase, which is, you know, code for “let’s bone really soon.” That’s the good thing about dating single moms, I suspect. The whole time he’s talking to Mom all I can see is the lipstick mark on his cheek.

That’s gotta be a turn-off.

Lucy the “free spirit” has “crazyface” written all over her and I’d give her the “leave now” rose if it were me. I’m kinda thinking she’s supposed to be a throw-away gag and they’ll let him cut her tonight, because I can’t see “I’m a big hippie!” continuing to be funny.

Lucy is super-aggressive and he’s not loving it. He’s Latina, lady! Let him chase you. Juan confessionals, “Lucy is a little crazy!” Yes.

More comedy as they’ve brought a massage table to the mansion for massage lady. Yes.

Because that won’t be awkward.

She starts rubbing his suit with her oily hands. Christ, dry cleaning is expensive, lady. “Maybe you should take off your jacket!” Man, I’ve used that line. This woman isn’t nuts, she’s me! (Possibly both things could be true at once.)

She confessionals, “All I wanted to do is just like rip that off of him and like pour my oils all over him!” Whooo-wee. Gotta weigh the hot versus the crazy, buddy. Gotta think it through!

He confessionals, “Amy J. was pretty nye-eese. But, meh-sage was pretty awkward.”

Chris brings out the first impression rose on a platter. The girls discuss how destroyed their lives will be if they don’t get that rose.

—

We’re back, and the producers are having the girls are talk about the rose, still. Lauren H. the mineral wrangler whom tragedy follows opines that her love life has sucked, so she deserves the rose. I guess if that’s how loved work, yes, but in fact, no.

Maggie the southerner talks about how much she needs the rose but her accent is so Deep South who knows what she said? I just heard “frogs and grits and corncobs, ya’ll.”

 The science teacher gets her one-on-one in the photo booth. Seems awkward. Elise gets one-on-one on a couch and tells him her mom just passed away so she gets a rose tonight no matter what. “She’s the reason I’m here!” In more ways than you know, Elise.

Elise looks kind of Persian which is pretty hot, but more importantly check out her home city:

Forty Fort! Who the fuck named that? Don’t you want, like, your forts to have imposing names? "Where are you from, soldier?” “Fort Mason!” “Fort Bragg!” “Me? I’m just from some little forty-fort, you know.”

Lacy and Andi are both nervous because that haven’t gotten time with him yet. But her thought both of them were super-hot and they have big butts, so let’s just assume they’re in.

Lauren the damaged goods mineral herder confessionals so much about not getting one-on-one time she starts crying. Camera loves that. They get one of the other gals to walk her away, to allow for more awkwardness. Lauren babbles into the camera and they milk her tears until the commercial break.

—

We’re back from the break and Lauren’s still crying and stuff. Just imagine the words, it’s all the same.

Oh, wait, she gets some time, finally. Lauren seems pretty sober now, but all she can talk about with Juan Singularsensation is feeling awkward and losing the person she was in a relationship with. She’s all, “I didn’t want to lead with this but...” and she leads with it. Her musk of tragedy fills the room and blocks the camera.

She’s STILL going on to him about the dude who dumped her. She wanted to adopt his child! And he just disappeared! Juan is not super-impressed. Afterwards she tearfessionals that she hopes she didn’t mess it up. AWK-ward.

Kylie the kinda-scary fake redhead is shown telling Juan “I actually dreamt about you!” He looks not-too-happy about that, too. He doesn’t like super-agressive women. If you have the butt, ladies, some Juan will come to you.

Andi (the lawyer who looks like Chriqui) has her time. She seems a bit controlling for Juan Sandfutureking.

But she looks like Chriqui so, you know, she’s going to last quite a few episodes.

It’s the opera singer’s turn. She’s super-awkward because she’s aware how bizarre this whole thing is, and I love her. She’s not falling all over him at all. Juan confessionals, “Sharlene...she’s elegant! She looks—so good.” Yes. Good call. You’re one of the good Juans.

He gives her his coat. We can see where this is leading, and it rhymes with “Purr pig put is petting a pose."

He goes and gets the rose, as I just said. OH SNAP BUT WAIT. She simul-confessionals, “Juan Pablo is a nice package, but I guess I thought I’d feel more of an insta-chemistry than I did!"

CALL ME SHARLENE!

He carries the rose past ALL the girls in multiple shots to underscore how many he’s passing up, intercut with Sharlene confessionalling how the connection seemed forced. Oh snappity snap snaps.

He comes up to Sharlene with the rose and says “So!” and she raises one eyebrow and says, “Seriously?” in a “What the hell are you thinking?” way and not a “I can’t believe I’m so lucky” way. Oh snap snap snap-n-pops.

He tells her she’s elegant and “I like the way you are.” I love this shot with the rejected women all huddled in the background in the cold:

He asks if she’ll accept the rose and she considers for 15 seconds while the foley guys go nuts with crickets. “Sure. Yes. Sure. Thank you.” she says shortly. Hey, Juan Piece, does your shirt have buttons or is it full of SNAPS?

“I actually was really not expecting this.” She is ice-cold. God I love her. He starts babbling. Tables have turned already. He confessionals she was so surprised that she didn’t know what to do, but “I know she’s going to sleep well tonight, and that makes me happy."

Oh, men. We’re so dumb. All so very, very dumb.

The other girls comment how they wanted the rose. Elise the kinda-Persian looking blonde god lover from Forty-fort-fort shows real intuition and notes that Sharlene’s head and shoulders were down, indicating she wasn’t, like, ecstatic.

Chris pulls Juan away from everyjuan else, to get him ready for the rose ceremony. Crazy Lauren confessionals that she’ll feel bad if she doesn’t get a rose. Because, she was almost engaged!

—

Chris explains how roses work, and introduces Juan Pablo. Juan gives a short but honest speech about how hot he thinks the girls are.

I like this shot because it has four of the girls I think are getting cut, each showing a different reason on her face.

Clockwise from lower-left, we have: crazy, tragic, controlling, and bitchy. Girl in green will make it.

“Hmm, Clare.” The faux-mom who can’t even spell her own name, but she’s a bottle blonde with a booty. “Yes I would love to!"

“Nikki.” Bleach-blonde nurse with a big butt. “Absolutely"

“Renee.” A/k/a “Bikini Mom,” who I like because she seems pretty nice and also she’s clearly horny as a hoot owl. “Yes, thank you very much."

“Andi.” Who looks like Chriqui with a big butt. Like there was any doubt. “Of course."

Great shot of the girls looking nervous, and then the dog looking nervous.

“Alli.” Soccer ball, butt. “Of course."

“Chantel.” Hard to pronounce name. I don’t think he really likes her. “Of course."

“Lauren S.” Crazy piano player? You know if some gal comes on with a really crazy skit, the producers are going to milk her for a few episodes.

“Kelly and Molly.” Molly’s the dog. Kelly might be crazy but she’s all kinds of gorgeous. It’s a close call, I can’t blame him on this one.

“Cassandra.” Cassandra is the make-up artist who is kind of unearthly pretty, but maybe possibly isn’t the smartest gal ever based on what I’ve seen so far. Still, she looks kind of like a middle-eastern version of Audrey Hepburn, so I’d keep her. I’m with you, Juan. Juan love, man. “Yes.”

“Danielle.” She’s the pretty and nice gal of mixed ethnicity who we haven’t seen since the limo. That means she’s kept her head down, which is a good play in the first episode.

“Chelsea.” Chelsea? Does he really think he can handle ‘er? She's another bottle blonde...looks a bit like that gal from Veronica Mars. “Of course!” she says perkily.

“Kat.” Kat and crazy redhead Kylie approaches him. “Kat! KAT!” he says. “OH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID KYLIE.”

AWK-ward. Also, told you the redhead would get cut. “Can you take both of us?” she jokes, making it much worse.

Anyhow, Kat’s a blonde with suspicious roots. She may or may not have a butt. “Absolutely."

Five roses left!

“Victoria.” She looks like young Sarah Silverman but not, like, mean. “Of course!"

Four! Ah ah ah.

 “Christy.” We know nothing about her except she’s blonde. “I will."

Three left. C’mon, pick the vaguely Iranian-looking god-lover. Do it for me, buddy. Please.

“Lucy.” The crazy fucking barefoot hippie. God dammit, producers. God damn you to hell. “Yes I absolutely do, thank you!”

Ok, Juan, buddy, two left. You gotta be cool about this. You’re the Juan we’re counting on.

“Liz.” The Iranian-looking gal! Yay! “Absolutely.”

FINAL ROSE. Chris explains what “final” means.

“Amy L.” Not the crazy Amy, the other one, who we’ve heard nothing about, except we saw she has a reasonable large posterior. She throws her arms wide: “YES!”

She looks a bit like Overly-Attached Girlfriend, here. Maybe crazy Amy would have been better?

“Ladies I’m sorry. If you did not receive a rose, take a moment, say your goodbyes.”

Since they cut like 12 women they’re not going to exit interview all of them, so it’ll be a few choice cuts of them looking sad, plus they’ll get quotes from the ones who are the most broken up. The judges expect Lauren “Eeyore” Stormclouds to dominate this event.

The gal in the green dress who I thought had a chance in that previous photo was cut. She says a sweet goodbye to Juan.

The gal who was “25” (with surgery) croaks out, “Goodbye, enjoy this experience,” and rushes outside to smoke forty more cigarettes.

Crazy Amy J. with the massage table says, “it was really nice to meet you.” She didn’t get her happy ending.

“I put myself out there completely!” Yup, you were out there, all right. WAY out there. She starts crying.

Kylie the krazy not-really-redhead is also krying. She didn’t see herself going home this soon. We did.

Lauren hugs her man Juan last time. She cryfessionals. “I’ve been through a lot, and I’m sick and tired of people looking at me, and feeling sorry for me.”

Ok, I don’t want to be the jerk, here, but one idea if you don’t want people to feel sorry for you is don’t cry a bunch on national TV. I’m just spitballing, here.

“I’m a genuine person and I want to find my best friend.” Where did you see  him last? (Have I used that Juan before?)

The gals toast:

“All for Juan, and Juan for all,” they say in my head.

—

After the previews for the coming season (apparently Juan walks out of one confessional, gasp), they go to outtakes with Sean and Juan. Sean says, “I found my thing,” and Juan says, “Shirtless boy!” and Sean says, “Yah, the shirtless guy,” and I feel vindicated. They even have both of them get topless.

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor, Season 17, Week 8, Part 3 of 3

[continued from part 2]

It’s Catherine’s date! Yay, Catherine! Except we actually want her to “lose,” because what kind of monsters would be to curse her to a life (or, really, six months) with Sean?

—

Ad for Bing, with a challenge at BingItOn.com. This strikes me as a good idea—stop trying to convince me Bing is where cool people hang out, and instead just let me compare it to Google. Twenty points for Microslytherin.

—

We’re on Ao Nang Beach.

It’s a good beach to be on because if it starts raining you just climb under its ao nang. (You have to read that one aloud.)

Catherine runs up and jumps in Sean’s arms. He tells her they will be cruising around on a “junk boat.” He’s spent more time on his junks the last couple days than his ladies have. Hey-o.

Sean confessionals he and Catherine might have different life goals, which is a reminder that her awesome and Very Asian family didn’t approve of their union One Bit.

“I’m the queen of the world!” shouts Catherine, as is now required by law on ship bows. Phew, call of the missile strike.

Catherine says she “never dreamed” about being in Thailand with Sean, but that it “seems like a dream” to be in Thailand with Sean. Well, which is it, woman? This is why Sean thinks you’re flaky, you know.

They’re drinking and talking about how open Catherine is with him, blah, whatever. Sean says, “I love Your Weirdness,” which is I guess a new royal title? Like: “Dinner is served, Your Weirdness.”

Catherine says she’s pissed at her sisters for grilling her so hard when Sean visited. This conversation is all serious. BOOOORING. She says she’s ready for marriage now. To Sean. POOR LIFE DECISIONS.

Swimming time—Sean takes his shirt off.

Catherine’s butt is pretty nice, but she’s no Lesley. Sigh, Lesley. I love women who hate me.

Catherine confessionals she hasn’t told Sean she loves him but that she’s willing to make that jump.

Get it? See what they did there? God damn, that’s so clever. Seriously, this kind of visual joke will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever get old.

Tonight I’m drinking a “Gigondas” wine. It’s pretty fun to say. GIGONDAS! Selma had some Gigondas but Sean sent her home.

They cruise around an junk. Snorkling! Fishes! Sean voiceovers, “When she looks at me with those brown eyes, how can you not help but give her a kiss all the time?” Well, uh—assuming I’m parsing that as you intended—I can’t actually kiss her because she’s not here with me. She’s with you. I know concepts like this are hard for you, Sean. (Also, spot the four grammatical errors in his sentence.)

They kiss against a pole in the rain. Sean gets his tongue into it.

I gotta admit, it’s pretty hot except for the “Sean” aspect. But all these memories will be lost, like kisses in the rain.

Catherine voiceovers, “I’m like, in the clouds right now."

GET IT? DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE CLOUDS? The producers really should call up Weird Al (a.k.a. “His Weirdness”) and see if they can get a job with him; their amazing humor is just too big for this show.

—

Pig getting pulled over for Geico, I don’t think I get the message. Something about an ID card? Because I need more of those.

Capital One’s Hulu ads now explicitly make fun of the Hulu interface. I guess that’s the next step before total acceptance.

—

Night. They’re having dinner someplace. It’s pretty non-fussy considering.

Where are the lit-up boats and flower petals and Thai dancers and shit? You call this romance? Get your shit together, Sean.

Sean toasts her. “Here’s to a great day and what hopes to be an even better night.” The night is hoping it’s better? Dude, I don’t think the night cares. Tender is the night but it's also uninterested in whether you nail Catherine.

“This afternoon I asked myself if I could see myself marrying Catherine.” Myself looked back at me and said, you know, myself, that’s a great question for myself to answer myself.

Sean asks her where she sees herself in five years and she says, “married to you,” and then babbles more. I have no idea what she just tried to say. Something about marriage and stuff. She’s very charming but she tends to say crazy shit when she’s nervous.

Catherine confessionals she’s worried about the fantasy suite, since it’s “more intimate” (used for boning). She’s worried about “putting a different side of me out there.” Oh, sweetie, you don’t have to have buttsex on the first date! No man expects that.

Catherine tells him, “Before I even came, I was thinking about the fantasy suites,” which describes a lot of my nights, too. She babbles about the fantasy suite to him. She wants to be “seen as a lady.” But she’s horny, so fantasy suite ahoy!

Sean uses the old oh baby I just want to talk and be alone with you line, which is crazy because she’s already said yes. More talking, he gives her the note to read to him, because the formalities of copulation must be observed, even if the arrangements have been made!

It’s the exact same note as the last two times. Geez. Couldn’t Chris bother to personalize it? Maybe they just re-use the same note, over and over? You think it’d get kind of…spoogy?

They go to the suite. She talks about how she used to be chubby, and she doesn’t feel she deserves him. That explains why she’s so non-bitchy. Women who don’t know they are hot are truly the best.

“When I look in Sean’s eyes, something visceral happens.” I think you mean something vitreous? Visceral would be lower. Get it? It’s “vitreous humor” humor.

They kiss a bunch in a hot tub thing. “I want Sean to be my husband.” Ugh. Young people are so dumb.

—

If you serve Tostitos, strangers will show up at your apartment and treat you like a waiter. SIGN ME UP.

—

We’re back at the Antarra resort in Sea Cow—where the entire cast of Zelda stays when filming on location. Sean’s topless AGAIN.

I’d like to point out I had a great shot of Catherine rocking a bikini top but I skipped it because it seemed gratuitous. So I’m never ever ever allowed to be called sexist again.

Sean says, “I woke up this morning knowing who I had to send home.” I dunno how we’re going to manage to make this show last 23 more minutes if he knows already. I bet it involves sucking.

“Tonight I have to send one woman home,” yah we know, you mentioned you’d already decided who, so that was implicit. 22:50 left. Sean and Chris hook up to bro out a bit.

Sean’s going to pad this out by talking to Chris about how hard it was when Emily dumped him when he was #3. They’re dancing around who Sean’s going to dump to build suspense, but it’s just annoying:

Chris: “Without being too specific, do you know who it is you’re sending home?” Sean: “I do.” Chris: “How tough is it going to be, sending her home?"

SWEET GOD. SO MUCH PADDING. “When you were considering sending her home, what kinds of foods or drinks did you consume? Also regarding the woman you’ll send home, did you remember any specific things that she has ever said to you, on any topic?”

Sean says this is harder than sending Dez home. I dunno, it sounds like this might be…the hardest decision yet? Can I drink? Please?

He talks more about the woman, but obliquely. Chris asks if Sean thinks his wife is there. WHERE? WHERE IS SHE? Oh, god, the padding. You know what, fuck this, we’re skipping ahead.

OH GOD Chris tells him that each woman has left him a private video message, which “he probably should watch.” Chris actually says Sean “owes them” that much, which I think is awesome because it’s not like Sean is going to be all, “Nah, fuck that, I’ve decided, I’ma just go tell the bitch and get this done."

Sean voiceovers he has to let a woman go. WHA? WHEN WAS THIS DECIDED‽ “At this point, I can only hope this [watching the videos] doesn’t confuse me further.” Which is asking a lot, since things like fire and magnets confound him. I’m guessing he’ll be all, “How did they fit my women into this tiny box? Can they come out so I can give my tongue to them?”

Aaaaand we go into the ads having done NOTHING since the last break. Thanks for wasting my time, Bachelor. I mean, more than usual.

—

19 minutes left. Also, one more fucking commercial break before the rose ceremony, so they have to pad out this whole segment with Sean watching videos.

Yay! I’m now watching a video of an idiot watching videos of idiots. This is podracing!

Lindsay is first. She recaps their relationship. She’s so boring and stupid my eyes are closing on their own. It’s not like she’s a bad person, I hate her solely because of the time she’s wasted in all the viewer’s lives. It’s a sin to have someone so completely vacuous eat up two hours of time from millions of people every week.

Catherine. Blah blah you’re a hunk falling in love recap blah. “Whenever I thought about you it gave me the wiggles.” That seems…pretty dirty? Am I misunderstanding what “the wiggles” are? “I’m so glad I found someone that can take me like this.” Take you like what? Against a pole? I mean, I’d be willing to do that, if it’s in the offing. I don’t think many guys would refuse you.

AshLee. “I am super-uptight and I made the diamonds for my own ring by shoving coal up my own butt for a couple days.” Ok, not really. But, really: “Meeting my family just solidified everything that I already knew about you.” Contentless! This statement solidifies what I know about AshLee. AshLee starts crying on the video. Always a good sign. Not crazy, folks! She’s not crazy! “I know that I am no longer broken.” Yeaaaah, about that.

The music gets all sad after AshLee’s video and Sean looks down. Hmm, I WONDER if this means AshLee’s getting her ass cut? [Hint: Yes.]

Great, 13 minutes left and we already know. I only have a split of Gigondas and it’s not enough to take the pain away. Although it is a fucking great wine, I recommend the region.

—

We come back and Sean is confessionals how he feels so bad he has to deny some woman the splendor that is him.

Rose time!

Lindsay’s not even trying with her dress, here. Apparently she knows this one is in the bag. Which, coincidentally, is what she’s wearing.

Chris tells us there “is" two roses. Plurals are hard! “This essentially is the last rose ceremony.” What do you mean “essentially?” Is there another or not? It seems pretty binary.

“Hopefully next week, Sean will be down on one knee, proposing marriage to one of you.” And this is how far we have fallen as a society. We watch idiots propose to strangers on TV. I’d feel better about gladiators and tigers.

Sean comes out. “I had the most amazing week this week.” [read: Got laid three times, boyeee!] “I feel so lucky and blessed,” [read: Got lucky three times, boyeee!].

Sean mentions how this was the same week he got sent home by Emily, and how painful it was. Yup, it’s all about Sean’s pain. Sean Sean Sean.

Sean grabs a rose. Lindsay says something that gets bleeped. She’s classy!

9 minutes left. Only two roses. That means a LOT of music before each rose. It sounds like they hired Philip Glass to do this week’s score, which was a good idea, as he’s the expert at padding. Zing! Take that, Mischa.

“Lindsay” She trots over. “Yes...thank moooo.”

Ugh, her stupid face is so dum. D-U-M dum.

Pause. Music. More music. A whole goddam minute of Sean sweating and faux-Philip-Glass.

“Catherine.” I don’t think she even says anything, she’s so psyched-out.

AshLee is Not Happy.

Ouch! The daggers! They pierce into my very soul. Hell hath no fury like something, but I’ve forgotten what.

SEVEN MINUTES.

AshLee stomps past Sean without saying goodbye to the gals. He tries to follow, “I’ll walk you out.” She walks away, “Just stay there.” Oh damn she got a mad on.

She stops at the car. And, nicely for the producers, turns so she's facing the camera. Almost as if this is staged!

Sean says all the blah blah blah things he says when he dumps a gal. She just silently stares daggers at him. This is a new one! Normally there’s more crying. She gets in the SUV with maybe a single muttered word (wasn’t clear), and Sean stands there and turns red as a beet.

Or maybe it’s just the color temperature on my monitor? I dunno, I have it set pretty red at night so I can get to sleep. Google “f.lux” it’s really cool.

AshLee finally speaks in the car. She’s pissed. “This wasn’t a silly game for me.” She says it wasn’t "about laughter or joking or having fun," either. I’m…not sure I follow? You didn’t laugh? You don’t like laughter? What?

Four minutes left. Like, we’ve put her in the car and they STILL have FOUR minutes to kill. She finally cries. There’s the money shot.

We suddenly hear “Next Week on The Bachelor.” OH THANK GOD REPRIEVE.

—

I finally noticed the future wife in the Jack-in-the-Box “Hot Mess” ad is wearing a bright pink bra, so she’s isn’t REALLY about to flash the camera.

—

Final outtakes are Sean with Catherine on the “junk boat,” saying he’s a nerd. They play a game where they take turns squaring numbers and Catherine wins by getting 13^2 correct when Sean flubs it. I’ve never wanted her more.

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor, Season 17, Week 8, Part 2 of 3

[continued from part 1]

We’re 28 minutes into the Bachelor, we’re in Thailand, and we’re finally done with that boring schoolteacher, What’s-her-name. I’ve forgotten. So boring. Ugh. Imagine a woman being so boring I don’t even care to see her in a bikini. That’s how boring she is.

Sean walks along the pier that’s famous for spawning one of Mexico's most popular video games, meng. Wokka-wokka-wokka-wokka.

Sean recaps that AshLee (Why? Why with the camel-case? Do more capitals make up for missing parents?) told him last week that she loved him. If you may recall, she got on a chair and yelled at the night, which is, I believe, the actual definition of “barking mad.”

AshLee is showing some tummy-button.

Although I’m not a big fan of crazy, I gotta say I love me some tummy-button. We’ll call this one a wash.

She immediately climbs up on Sean’s junk.

I know I made the same pun last week, but, c’mon, “junk” is funny. It’s like “Hugh Jackman.” Doesn’t that sounds like a joke name? “Yah, I’m looking for a ‘Hugh Jackman.’ I need a ‘Hugh Jackman!’” 

AshLee voiceovers that with Sean she’d have a “lifetime of unexpected adventures and…fun.” Yes, I’m sure you’ll be traveling around the world 365 days a year, unlike 100% of the other Bachelor “winners,” who ended up either breaking up or moving to Hollywood with their guy so he could make it by appearing on Dancing with the Stars and fucking other chicks. Adventure!

Oh, hey, the Flash player unexpectedly quit. Holy cats, I did NOT expect that. I mean, it happens every forty seconds with crappy Flash which is updated by Adobe every other day yet is still the shittiest thing ever to happen to computers, but I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to happen this time. I am disappoint. [Note to editor: this is a meme, don’t correct.]

AshLee is blathering on about lovey love Sean is probably my true love I love Sean more than words can express OH GOD if you know that why do you keep trying, aloud? If I were like, “This is more pasta than I could eat,” I wouldn’t get on national TV and make everyone watch me try.

Sean confessionals, “AshLee’s very comfortable in her routine, and…it’s very rare that she steps outside of her comfort zone.” Oh boy! Sounds like it’s time for testing and humiliation, the bedrock of any relationship.

Sean says he’s got something for her that might scare her, but “hopefully she latches onto me for support.” I don’t even know how to make fun of this statement. Hopefully you scare her so bad that she latches onto you? Christ. Have you tried locking women in your basement until they develop Stockholm syndrome? I’ve heard that works great, too, and it’s cheaper than flying to Thailand.

Sean tells her they have to swim through a deep, dark cave before they get to a private island. AshLee asks, “Do we have a floatie?”

Sean takes his shirt off.

Looks like she’s got floaties.

AshLee voiceovers that she’s always been afraid of being abandoned by people she loves. I dunno if you’ve ever heard that about her before! Anyways, you know, it’ll be super-fun for her to swim through a dark cave with someone she loves.

Sean voiceovers it’s important that his potential wife will just shut up and trust him when he wants. I’m not kidding, that’s a real paraphrase. Because he’s a sensitive new-age guy.

The cave actually looks really awesome.

So pretty! Who knew Thailand was more than just ladyboys and massages and red curry‽ Not me.

Sean voiceovers he has no idea what he’s doing and is afraid he might kill both of them. But he still expects her to obey him! Yup, he’s a Republican.

AshLee voiceovers that she’s afraid but life is full of scary shit, like getting dumped. Except if you get dumped you don’t die from it—unlike with, say, asphyxiation.

Sean voiceovers, “All of a sudden we turn a corner, and AshLee and I found the light at the end of the tunnel.” Agh, this show just loves beating us over the head with their metaphors. “I love feeling like I’m AshLee’s protector.” Because I’m a caveman, and she’s my chattel.

They reach the beach inside the island, and Sean gives her some lip.

AshLee drones on about how this is “far beyond” anything she ever thought she’d do. Seriously, how uptight is this woman? Was it the “swimming” or the “being in the dark for two minutes” that was such a mind-fuck for her?

—

This Easter, why not make Easter eggs from Rice Krispie treats? Hmm, I dunno...because it’d be a huge fucking sticky mess? Because we’re already fat enough and we don’t need “eggs” made of sugar, starch, and fat? Because you can’t really hide eggs coated with frosting?

—

Night. AshLee continues to confessional on and on that she lurves Sean so vewy much and wants to be Mrs. Sean McSteroids.

But! AshLee confessionals she doesn’t want to “put herself morally out there” by doing the fantasy suite with Sean when he’s done it with two other girls. Look at AshLee, getting some pride! Let’s see how long it lasts.

They blather at each other over dinner. I think you’re amazing no you’re amazing no you oh stop it hee hee mooshy mooshy ka-click BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM oh god what have I done I’ve killed them oh god blood everywhere god have mercy on me I didn’t know what I was doing.

Sean tells her: “I love that you know the qualities that I possess.” High praise indeed! I also enjoy a woman who can enumerate facts about me.

Sean: “If I get down on one knee, it means I am spending the rest of my life with you.” Hah, I’ve had women down on two knees and it didn’t last more than a year or so. Still, fun though.

Oh, it’s awkward note-from-my-mommy time! He gives it to her to read.

“Sean and AshLee: Welcome to the magical country of Thailand.” At least AshLee can read aloud without sounding like a child. “I hope you are enjoying your stay,” forego your individual rooms stay in the suite if you want to bone off-camera blah blah blah -Chris Harrison.

Sean confessionals: “I’m falling in love with her, and I can see her in the end.” That was a pretty revealing pair of shorts earlier, yes.

Sean goes on to confessional that he wants AshLee to feel at ease about the fantasy suite: “What I would love is to stay up with her all night, just talking.” Man, I gave up on that line like fifteen years ago. So cheesy.

One time many years ago I was dating this 23-year-old dancer and I was all, “I want you to come over,” and she was all, “I have to do this work,” and I was all, “You can work. Just come over and I won’t touch you, I just want to be beside you, I promise,” and she was all, “Ok,” so she did and I didn’t and weeks later she was all, “Why didn’t you bone me! I came over and got in your bed, duh.”

Aaaand that was the last time I ever said “we don’t have to do anything.” Nowadays I’m like, “You get in this bed, we’re doing stuff. You don’t want to do stuff, there’s a nice couch over there, or there’s your house.” 

ANYhow, Sean tells AshLee something like what he just confessionalled about just staying up and talking and eating smores and playing patty-cake and braiding each other’s hair.

AshLee: “Obviously I as well agree.” Not awkward sounding! AshLee tells him she doesn’t “want it to come across as that boundary that's crossed so um and you know where I stand.” Also not awkward! Are we sure AshLee’s not a substitute teacher, as well?

Once inside the suite she goes on about how he’s not going to get any nookie. Just to make it clear, America: not a whore!

Then she tells him what engagement ring setting she wants (“diamonds all around”) and her size (“I believe my ring finger is six and a half”).

Just in case anyone is wondering, and I’m sure you’re not, if I were spending my first night with a woman who was not interested in having sex with me and she started telling me what kind of blood diamonds she wanted for our marriage, I’d set a new record for the amount of matter moved by quantum teleportation. Right at the top of my sheet here labelled “Crazy Person Warning Signs:” is “1) focused on a big fat diamond ring."

She gives Sean some consolation tonsils.

AshLee voiceovers “Sean is my cellmate.” Well, that’s how I heard it. She also says she was broken before she met him. Yup, I'd agree with that. And after!

To be continued in part 3, with Catherine’s date… Yay, Catherine!

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor, Season 17, Week 8, Part 1 of 3

“Tonight on The Bachelor”: we’ve skipped the previous week because it was “Sean Tells All” and (1) all that would only fill a matchbook and (b) I don’t need to bother recapping a clip show and (III) does anyone really give a damn? No. Nobody does.

Let’s take a trip to Thailand and see the wonders there.

Si Kao? No, I only see dolphin.

Sean makes a welcome change from letting his junk hang out to hanging out on a letted junk.

How natural he looks, standing there like Forrest Gump! He’s the king of the world, momma!

Sean confessionals he’s in Thailand. He’s so excited to spend this week with Lindsay and Ashley and Catherine. Oh, right—he got rid of the hot, smart blonde. Why are we still watching? Oh, right—Catherine.

“It’s amazing to think that these are my last three girls. [Something I’ve said to myself, as well] And they are all so unique and so different from one another.” Both unique and different! I guess he was never taught ologies in high school?

“I’m going to have another difficult decision to make this week.” You go ahead and drink—I’ve already had two glasses of wine so I’m good for now.

When in Thailand, why not stay at the Anantara resort? Zelda does.

Does anyone else want to see a Zelda game where Link gets kidnapped and Zelda rescues him? I’d play that. Also, I’m fricking sick of Zelda and Princess Peach getting kidnapped all the time. Like, once or twice, shame on Ganon and/or Bowser, but after the seventh or eighth time…wouldn’t they hire some competent guards? Take a different route home? Learn to use a sword? Something?

Recap of Sean and Catherine. Yay, recaps! Remember when they met? Remember how they talked about how they like each other? Remember Sean tongue? Oh, Sean tongue.

Ugh, knocked out my MagSafe 2 again. Christ, what chuckleheads invented the 2? The first MagSafe was amazing, but version 2 falls out every five seconds. You have one job, power cord: stay the fuck in my Mac. MagSafe 1 did it. What happened to you? Was it the crack?

Recap of Sean and AshLee. She’s boring! Yet crazy! The perfect woman. Did you remember that she was abandoned? I’d forgotten. Sean gave her some Sean tongue, too.

But what about Lindsay? She’s dumb as a rock but also cute as a rock. “The moment I first realized I could see myself with Lindsay was when we were having dinner in front of the fireplace in Montana.” There was a mirror there, above the fireplace. And there we were!

Sean feels “torn. I don’t know what to do.” So he takes his shirt off!

Hey, did you guys know I was at TED2013 last week? I exchanged secrets with Matt Groening, got drunk with Matt Cutts (well, near Matt Cutts), said hi to former Vice President Al Gore, and told Peter Gabriel how I’d hooked a former flame on Don’t Give Up. I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. And now I’m alone in my house at 11PM surrounded by my three cats and blogging about The Bachelor. Who’s the crazy in this picture now?

If you answered “me,” referring to “you,” that is incorrect. The correct answer was “me.”

Sean: “This is by far—by a mile—the hardest decision I’ve had to make so far.” A whole mile! I can’t understand why the producers don't write new lines. Like, they must know the same people watch The Bachelor year after year. Do they think we find comfort in the repetition?

He goes on: “This week, the dates have the possibility of becoming overnight dates. And I’ll have the opportunity” to get me some hot poonany. Let’s face it: that’s what he means, whatever he says here.

You guys remember the Fantasy Suite, right? Chris Harrison writes a note that Sean will read to each gal: “If you guys want to bone here’s a key to a special, cool place for boning.” Three times in one episode. Because that’s not awkward.

—

Sean says he just arrived at the Anantara Sea Cow resort, and I think that’s a mean way to talk about Lindsay.

They get into some bizarre motorcycle-cart vehicle.

Crazy foreigners! Amirite?

Sean asks Lindsay if she’s adventurous when trying new foods. I ask women this, too, but for more devious reasons. She says she’ll eat anything but a bug. But that comes back to haunt her.

Sean tells her, “We’re at the Si Kao market,” and I expect Lindsay to say, “But I don’t wanna eat a manatee!"

Lindsay: “Being here, in this Thai market, with Sean, is exciting, and adventurous.” She really says it like that, with pauses at every comma. She reads her script at a fourth-grade level. I assume she’s a substitute teacher because she went back to grade school for remedial classes and someone just assumed she was there to teach.

This market actually does look kind of awesome. Part of me is afraid I’d wuss out and be worried about food poisoning, but part of me thinks I’d camp there for a week and take a bite of each thing.

Sean voiceovers: “Lindsay is loving this. I mean she is blown away by everything this place has to offer—but I also wanted to test her a little bit.” Of course! What the hell would you be doing on a date if you’re not testing her? But can you work in some humiliation?

“On her way over here she said, ‘I’ll try anything but I won’t eat bugs.’” Yes, mm-hmmm, I think I see where you’re going with that.

“So, we’ll see."

Jackpot. Long story short: he makes her eat a bug.

  Because he’s 12. Next up: pulling pigtails!

Sean confessionals: “I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and, um, that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage.” OK, look, I’m not married, so I’m no expert, but I don’t think you should be looking for your high school sweetheart. Weren’t you kind of an idiot in high school? Didn’t you have kind of stupid relationships then? Haven’t you grown up a ton?

They bail on the market.

Sean tells her, “This is Yong Ling beach.” I’m all, “Hey, I thought Anakin killed all the padawans?”

Sean and Whatserface babble at each other on a picnic blanket. Seriously, I can’t remember her name. She’s so goddam boring and stupid. Tongue time!

Stupidface says: “Today changed my life because: It’s just more real!” Today’s real? Your life is real? What was unreal, besides this show and also how dumb you are?

They feed monkeys (isn’t that a bad idea?) and smooch on the beach.

Lindsay (I looked it up) voiceovers, “It might be the end if I don’t open up to him.” Drink, drink, drink.

—

Microsoft Surface Pro ad. Did you know these ads are directed by John M. Chu, who did Step Up 2 (awesome movie!) and the upcoming G.I. Joe: Retaliation? I talked to John a bunch at TED this year; he’s a super-nice guy. Anyways, the reason the dancing is so good is because those are the LXD dancers in those ads.

American Airlines is merging with U.S. Airways to become American Airlines. Urm. Seems like you already were American Airlines? That’s like me merging with a muffaletta to become…me.

—

Night falls. Sean voiceovers, “This is the perfect dinner to share with Lindsay” because it involves twinkly lights, and she loves twinkly lights!

Sean toasts her: “You were the perfect person to be with today because…I don’t think anyone else would have tried all the stuff you tried at the market.” Translation: my other bitches wouldn't eat bugs for me. Now drink my bathwater, slut!

Sean asks her if she’ll move if they get engaged. Yipes. They blather. Time for some more Sean tongue!

She’s been voiceovering all night that she wants to tell Sean she loves him. Now’s the big moment. “I just want you to know that I do take this serious.”

You take it serious, huh? As serious as you take your job? Hopefully she’s not an English teacher.

She’s babbling. On and on. So many words. So dumb. She almost says the L-word but SUDDENLY a bunch of dancers come out from behind the boats.

Lindsay: “All of a sudden everything comes alive. There’s all these dancers and Thailand is all around us.” Suddenly, she’s surrounded by Thailand! Take a look at two photos ago, where she’s at a table on a bed of flowers and candles with giant boats of lights behind her. Where was Thailand then? When did it sneak up on her?

Lindsay: “I feel like I’m in a movie!” But, which movie? Dumb and Dumber? Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigalow? Enough?

Sean pulls out a card. Oh shit, I forgot! Sean doesn’t read the note himself–he passes it to her to read. 

That’s right, I remember now. That’s what makes this so cringe-worthy. “Here, my daddy wrote me a note to ask you if you’ll blow me. Read it and check yes or no."

Lindsay reads, very slowly like a toddler, “Sean and Lindsay welcome to the majestic country of Thailand I hope you are enjoying your stay here should you choose to forego your individual rooms please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite."

Lindsay says yes, of course. They enter a smallish room that’s kind of nice. I dunno—it’s not like the Hotel 1000 in Seattle, with the bath that fills from the ceiling and the amazing blowjobs. Actually, I guess the blowjobs were more about who I was there with. #hummerbrag

Anyways, Linsday finally tells Sean she loves him, and she gives him some tongue.

It’s anticlimactic, in the sense that after watching them together I’m so turned off I'm not going to be able to climax for a week.

—

OK, end of part 1. The episode’s not over but, hey, I have to get to bed. These cats aren’t going to pet themselves. I'm sure there's a dirty joke in there somewhere; talk amongst yourselves.

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor, Season 17, Week 6

“The Bachelor is presented with limited commercial interruption by K•Y brand.” Finally, a sponsor I can get behind. Heh, heh, get *behind.*

Why not try their “date night” pack, which apparently assumes your dates involve having sex like a thousand times? I mean, mine do, sure.

“Tonight on The Bachelor…” Tierra cries, Tierra gets in a fight, Tierra stumbles over a ladybug and is rushed to the ER. OK, I’m not really watching the previews, but you know I’m right.

You know what, I've watched the episode now and I'll save you the trouble of reading this recap, since it's a super-boring episode: Trip to beach, bikinis, more bikinis, tongue, Tierra fight!, roses.

—

Still here? Well, OK, it's your funeral: Sean confessionals that he wanted to break the rules and fly into St. Croix with the women. You fool! Do you know what you’ve done? Human sacrifice, cats and dogs living together, mass female hysteria! Sean asks, “How often do you get to fly into St. Croix on a seaplane?”

Well, when you’re that specific, I guess not that often. How often do you fly to the top of the Space Needle on a hot-air balloon wearing an old-timey monocle?

Could it be the producers wanted to save money by putting them all on one plane? But imagine if this plane crashed—the whole show would be over. (Phew!) And then Emily from the last Bachelorette would be all, “I’ve finally realized Sean was the love of my life…but his plane never landed. Again.”

Lesley confessionals she’ll be happy if she gets some Sean and some sand and some sun. This episode is brought to you by the letter “S" and bikinis. The gals check into some resort. Who knows which one?

I’m reminded of an old family joke: A pirate says, “Arr, where’s me buccaneers?” and his mates respond, “On the sides of yer buccan ‘ead!”

AshLee confessionals, “I wanna one-on-one with Sean,” which I assert is an assiduously assonant announcement. One-on-one, she wants to play that game tonight.

AshLee: “I just want to look into his eyes, I want to be out in the sun, I want to be in my swimsuit.” Hrm, I notice ⅔ of what the girls want here is beach-related and not, say, Sean-related. It’d be cool if they went on a date with each other and flirted with local guys. Wouldn’t The Bachelor be more compelling if the girls were encouraged to flirt with locals wherever they went, so the Bachelor had at least a tiny bit of competition?

Tierra decides to put a rollaway bed in a room of her own, so she doesn’t have to share space with the girls who “like her boyfriend.” You keep using that word; I do not think it means what you think it means.

This is supposed to demonstrate what a bitch she is, but honestly if I had to choose between a rollaway bed and sharing a bed with a dude, I'd pick the rollaway. But, you know, it's cooler when girls sleep together, because we all agree that lesbians 'r' hot.

Date card. “AshLee: Let’s get carried away.” They’re going for a ride in a litter? They're going to do longhand addition? 

In a badly-cut sequence, we hear “Tierra” sing “The cougar’s back in town” for some reason, except the shot is of all the other women, not Tierra singing. Then they cut to Tierra sitting silently and smiling—she obviously didn’t just sing something.

We hear someone off-camera say, “What?” all shocked, and they cut back to the the silent gals and play the same song soundbite for us. “Reality” TV hint: If you don’t see the person’s lips move, stuff is being spliced together and shown out of order to generate drama.

Tierra confessionals that AshLee is an old woman at 32 and she should already have herself a man by now. One nice thing about being made fun of for being old is that the best possible outcome for the young person is that they’ll be your age one day.

Sean picks up AshLee. The gal in blue goes the extra mile for me.

You know, nothing…just hanging around a living room in my bikini. Well, thank you, Lindsay. Your efforts weren’t in vain. I noticed.

Sean tells us there’s no rose on today’s date, because the surviving women will get home visits, and so—like with Giant Hogweed—you want to be careful picking them.

As the camera is panning over her body, Sean voiceovers that ever since he put the blindfold on AshLee, “I’ve seen another side to her.”

Stay classy, Bachelor! Sean takes his shirt off.

Ladieeees.

AshLee voiceovers that she was abandoned as a child. What? That's the first I’ve heard of this. And I’m pretty sure I was kind of listening, some of the time. “I’m feeling like my mom and dad didn’t want me.” I guess that’s part of putting you up for adoption, sure.

They’re taking a giant catamaran to a tiny private island.

Weren’t they already on a small island? Are they just going to keep going to successively smaller islands until they end up on a single grain of sand, poking out of the ocean? It's turtles and strippers all the way down, folks!

Meanwhile, back at the resort: Bikinis!

(Way to save yourself for marriage, Catherine.)

The girls are reading from the script the producers have given them. Lindsay: “Do you think AshLee is going to talk to him about [long pause] Tierra?” Cut! Ugh, you had one line. They all agree Tierra is the worst thing since Monsanto started poisoning us all slowly, and they hope AshLee will bring it up. Gosh, this’d be a great place for the editors to cut to:

Sean and AshLee on the beach. Sean: “So…has the drama subsided or are people just not telling me?” Don’t fall for it, AshLee! Complain and he’ll drop you like he’s your daddy!

AshLee dishes about Tierra. She’s going deep. She’s deep-dishing like she’s from Chicago. Sean says, “Thank you for telling me that [you will be cut next], because I need to know [who to cut next, which is you]. So thank you [for making that decision for me, snitch].”

Remember, ladies: he’ll always pick a snatch over a snitch.

AshLee: “I know the possibility that Sean and I could have that’s perfect.” Umm. English? Sean gives her some tongue.

Man, that seems familiar somehow.

Hey, AshLee, did you know that Deborah Kerr was an orphan, too? Nah, I’m messing with you—she had a very loving family. I looked it up.

—

Glade has a scented candle now. Hot damn! Why has nobody ever thought of mixing “stinky” with “fire hazard” before?

Here’s a guy who bikes all over San Francisco so he can text his girlfriend his GPS log, which makes a giant heart, so you should use Verizon. I dunno, I feel like I’d rather have a partner who had something more important to do? Like, either spend time with me or go do something amazing with your life.

—

Date card time. Tierra confessiowhines that she wants it. Will our friend Coffee Table deliver?

Hey, buddy, looking good—those stripes are really slimming.

“Tierra: Let’s explore our love on the streets of St. Croix…” Urm…he’s going to make her into a street-walker? Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease.

The girls try to act enthusiastic. Dez says, “You get to see the town of [long pause] St. Croix.” Come on. One line. You had one line.

Tierra complains that the town will have bugs and be sweaty, and she likes sailing. Lesley M. confessighnals, “I hate that bitch. Ulch.”

MEANWHILE, Sean’s taking AshLee to a private dinner on the beach (with the entire crew). So romantic! Sean confessiona-lies, “I haven’t felt this way about someone in a long time.” What, like, a day? Day and a half?

Sean reaches over and grabs wine from a bucket, and we hear a “ice rustle” sound cue. Then they toast.

Mmm, red wine on ice. That’s how they do it in the colonies, you know.

Sean tells her that he might meet her family, and is there anything else he should know? Tension! Confessionalling! She has a deep, dark secret! She spends a couple minutes saying things like, “I really just want to say it and be done with it.” Because, clearly.

“So, 15 years ago…” here we go: just gotten though adoption…she had a boyfriend…and she got married when she was 17. HARLOT! SLUT! BRAND AN “A” ON HER CHEST WITH A HOT IRON! Cast her from polite society!

Sean doesn’t care. “I certainly don’t view you as being broken because you’re not.” Yes she is. No, really. So very, very broken. He gives her some lips, but no tongue.

AshLee stands on her chair and starts yelling at the island. Yup, sane.

Sean: “AshLee is…special.” And sincere?

—

Microsoft Surface. You can toss ‘em around and make clicking noises with ‘em. Sold!

“Florida’s Natural Oranges are never imported.” No doy?

—

Morning in St. Croix. Pelican!

I love pelicans. I love pelicans because I love wild things, and birds are among the last to live amongst us. And because once my Dad took us to the Florida Keys and we saw an old fisherman on a dock catching fish with a giant pelican sitting beside him, and every time he’d catch a fish he’d pull it off the line and toss it to the pelican, who’d swallow it whole. The man didn’t need the fish—he just liked having a pelican friend.

Sean gets his first one-on-one date with Tierra, which is like having a one-on-one date with a honey badger that cries a lot. Sean confessionals everyone hates Tierra and he has questions for her. Yah, I bet you have some really probing questions to ask her, Sean. You’re going to give her a real tongue-lashing. You are going to stick your tongue in her mouth.

I’ve seen this dance too many times. She’s going to whine about being picked on and he’s going to feel like he has to protect her and she’ll get a rose.

I just realized Tierra reminds me of a gal I dated briefly many years ago who loved to complain and play the victim and have me buy her things but also would occasionally make promises of great things to come to keep me interested. Once she said she’d have sex with me if I’d show her texts I’d gotten from Matt Groening because she loved The Simpsons so much. That turned out to be a lie—I mean, yes, sure, I tried showing her the texts. I’m a man. But I’m glad we never had sex. Hear me? Glad!

Tierra confessionals Sean took her shopping OMG and “he bought me the most incredible things a guy could buy on the first date,” while she’s wearing a crappy clay island necklace he got her. I’d like to point out that the poker dealer got diamond earrings and a new dress on Rodeo Drive. But, hey, her face didn’t have a hatchet wound on it.

Suddenly, a parade! Because every day is Carnivale if you’re in a Latin country.

Sean confessionals that Tierra is totally great and energentic around him. Yup.

MEANWHILE: AshLee is back at the resort telling the girls how she narc-ed out Tierra. Never works.

MEANWHILE: Sean confessionals he still has questions about Tierra. He asks her what’s going on, over a snowcone. She says bitches be jealous. He asks if she’d treat the other women differently if she had to do it over again.

She says, “Nmm-mm…these girls aren’t going to be around for much longer, you know?” Look at her face when she says that. Man, don’t end up with someone full of hate.

—

Take a Carnival cruise, where you can watch comedy shows “presented by George Lopez.” So I’m guessing midway through the cruise there’s a fight with Carlos Mencia.

Also, it’s got to be a bit of a waste of money to be advertising Carnival Cruises right now, huh?

K•Y ad again. K•Y asks: do you know what your guy really wants for Valentine’s Day? Well, yes, it’s a blowjob, which doesn't require any lube. But you know what’s in second place?

—

Night, back on the date. Tierra confessionals she felt the vibe was off with Sean. So she’s going to complain. And she does. Always Be Complaining: It’s the most attractive thing you can do!™

We know Sean is completely susceptible to Tierra’s whining, but this time he doesn’t have a rose to stuff in her gob. Confessional: “I spent the whole day with AshLee yesterday, and I probably let that influence me a little too much.” Yup, there he is, wussing out.

MEANWHILE, at the resort, a date card arrives. “Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay: Love is on the horizon.” He’s going to teach them how to do instrument landings in a Cessna? The girls are all super-excited that Lesley must be getting the one-on-one, I guess since they’ve bonded in their hatred of Tierra.

At this point I’d like to predict that if he’s going from six to four women this week, he’s going to drop Lindsay the substitute teacher who doesn’t know what a helicopter looks like and AshLee the damaged-goods orphan. Because Tierra is 2 terrible 2 lose 4 now.

Lesley says she "could be locked in a closet with Sean, and it would be amazing." I think she's confusing Sean with R. Kelly. "I'm excited to see what the future holds." Drink.

Back on the date, Tierra confessionals she can't believe a girl had the nerve to throw her under the bus. Hmm, maybe this bus incident explains her face? She gives Sean an awkward and not at all heartfelt speech about falling in love with him, and he says quietly, “I'm falling in love with you.” This is the first time he's mentioned the “love” this season, so of course it's with ¡La muchacha del destral! He gives her some tongue.

At this point I'm not even bitter about her possibly “winning.” What exactly is she going to win? A couple months with Sean, a humiliating public break-up, and a lifetime of being “that snatch from Bachelor 17” every place she goes. Hoooooray.

The girls are back at the resort talking about how much crap Tierra is going to give AshLee for the whole bus incident. Also, that's what all the previews have been about. The producers realize they only have one interesting thing this show.

—

Are you treating your hair at the wrong end? God, I dunno, I squirt green stuff into my hands and rub it in and rinse it out.

—

Night, at the resort. “Intrigue” music is playing. It's 5am, and Sean is breaking into the women's bedrooms to wake them early for their date. Because what fun is a date unless one of you has had no sleep and is incredibly grumpy? Wait, I did that over Thanksgiving; it wasn't fun at all.

Sean confessionals he knows women hate to be seen without make-up, so he's brought a camera into their bedroom to make it much worse. Ha ha! Let's start this day with humiliation and invasion of privacy!

Catherine says she's the lowest maintenance: “I just need to pee and I'm good to go.” Hee, we love her.

Catherine actually looks pretty damn hot at 5am. Call me? Or call your friend and have her call me?

They watch the sun rise over the Atlantic. The girls love the sun. Desiree confessionals she wishes she were alone with him so she could get some “lip action.” Oh, sweety, I don't think you'll be lacking Sean Tongue.

They montage through a day-long road trip of the island, like in Indiana Jones. Catherine confessionals that Desiree seems to connect with Sean really well: “It seems to be Lindsay and me having a date with Sean and Desiree.” Catherine's a straight-shooter. Probably too smart for Sean.

Desiree isn’t! “Today is the perfect day to get the rose.” Yes, in that you're on the only date where there is a rose, this would be a good choice.

Back at the resort, Coffee Table brings us a date card. They’re not giving Coffee Table a lot of air time this season because they don’t want him to make Desiree and Lindsay seem dumb by comparison.

“Lindsay: I hope our love stands the test of time.” Err, they’re going to do wind sprints? They’re going to a horologist? Hee-hee, “hor”-ology. Sean’s got his degree!

Back on the date, they arrive at anther beach to watch the sun set. They decide to go swimming. As we watch the girls strip down we hear Desiree say, “I think I showed him a lot today.” It's like the producers don't even want me to have a job.

Sean's as red as a beet—he's going to need a week to recover from this burn. He takes his shirt off.

—

Frosted Mini Wheats Crunch: Because maybe it's healthy if it's crunchy, or something? That was what was keeping Frosted Mini Wheats from being good for you.

—

Lindsay gets some one-on-one time with Sean and tells him how much she likes him. She's bubbly and fun and cute and I'm pretty sure Sean will cut her because she's so low maintenance. Where's the challenge? He gives her some lip.

Catherine's time. She tells Sean about her Dad's depression and suicide attempts. I don't make jokes about family suicides—I wonder why. But, hey, let's check out what a giant crispy freckle Sean's become:

Sean gives Catherine some lip.

MEANWHILE, back at the resort, the producers are setting up the big fight. AshLee and Lesley are tanning and talking about Tierra, and they are filming it as if Tierra can hear from inside. Nope nope nope. Don't buy it.

Back on the date, it's Desiree's time with Sean. She cries talking about her family because they are just so darn great. Ugh. She cryfessionals about her parents: “They're so simple but they're so happy.” Yup, she's  a chip off that block.

Lining up the women. Who gets the date rose? Surprisingly, we've heard each of them confessional how much they want it. Sean clichés: “By a mile, this was the hardest decision I've had to make so far.” Drink again—I'm on my second salty dog.

He gives Lindsay the substitute for a real teacher the rose! Shit, my predictions are off. My new guess is he'll cut Lesley the blonde nerd-hating politico and Lil' Orphan AshLee, since they're both kind of sophisticated and he’s kind of not.

Lindsay kind of lives in her bikini. Hmm, that probably didn't hurt her rose-getting chances.

Coming up: Fight! Fight! Fight!

—

Today it's Lesley Nerd-Hater's date. Sean confessionals he really likes Lesley but he's not as crazy about her as the other girls. Ok, first: I was right, and second: seriously, can you imagine picking Tierra over Lesley?

Lesley voiceovers that she's watched the show before and she's heard girls saying, “I'm falling in love,” and she thought they were insane, but now she's falling in love. It's comforting that she can't judge me for thinking she's insane.

Lindsay's trying to tell Sean she loves him. She's maybe wearing a lot of blush, or blushing, or she’s having an allergic reaction to stupid. She chickens out. Whups! That's gonna cost her. But he pins her against a fence and gives her some Sean tongue.

Coming up: FIGHTING! CRYING! FIGHTING!

—

Another rock star going to Supercuts. Is this a really big demographic for them? Have I made that joke before?

—

Day of the rose ceremony. Odd we didn't see Sean have dinner with Lesley before. Maybe he just took her on a date to mash her against a fence? I mean, I would.

Sean’s sister Shay is being flown in for the “family advice” / “we need filler” part of the season. Shay tells him to be careful who he picks—“don't pick That One. […] A couple times The Bachelor has ended up with That One.” Yes. Indeed.

MEANWHILE, back at the resort, Tierra confronts AshLee in her passive-aggressive way. Tierra says, “I feel like some people have sabotaged me.”

CUT TO: Sean talking about liking Tierra from the beginning.

BUT: AshLee says, “You want to get nitty gritty? I liked you.” Oohhh, burn? Kitten fight, kitten fight!

CUT: Sean saying he's heard chatter about Tierra being horrible.

AND ALSO: Tierra says, “When you throw someone under the bus, it backfires.” Or it could just need new spark plugs. “I hope when I'm 32 years old I'm married with a family and I don't have to sit around with 20-year-olds gossiping.” Twice in this conversation Tierra's dissed on being 32; there are no curses for her that time hasn't already planned.

SO THEN: Sean says, “I don't want to be an idiot and keep choosing the girl that's bad for me.”

Shay: “What was the only piece of advice your big sister gave you before you left?”

Sean: “'Don't end up with the girl nobody likes.’” WE LOVE SHAY.

FINALLY: Tierra makes a flapping-shut ‘zip-it’ motion from Austin Powers with her hand and stomps off.

“I'm done with this conversation.”

AshLee goes to vent to the women who are not horrible.

I don't know what's going on before this shot but I'd like to be part of it.  

Tierra follows AshLee in (because she's done, ya'll!) and denies saying something horrible she just said on videotape. AshLee is gogglified. She's like, “Can we reroll tape somehow?” AshLee says Tierra is always rude, with stares and raised eyebrows.

Tierra says, “That's just my face. I can't help it.” Well, OK, we can sympathize with her there. When life gives you a hatchet for a face…make firewood? I dunno. Hey, here's one: how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could use Ashley's face to cut it up for him?

Tierra: “I know, though, in my own skin, that I'm not rude. So when people keep attacking me—“ OK, I'm just going stop her there, because, seriously, is anyone this self-unaware? I mean, what exactly does it mean to be rude or polite if you're the only person who agrees with you whether you're being rude or polite? Rudeness lies with beauty.

Tierra: “I can't control my eyebrow. I can NOT control my eyebrow. I can't control what's on my face—” Wait, has she really had a hatchet hit her in the face? I was halfway joking about that.

BUT WAIT: Sean suggests to Shay that he grab Tierra so she can judge for herself.

—

OK, this isn't an ad, but I just got the new Jawbone “Up" bracelet today to try out, and my guess is it’s powered by Santa Claus. Like, it sees me when I’m sleeping, it knows when I’m awake, it knows if I’ve been bad or good…

—

Back at the resort, Sean's looking for Tierra. Tierra is off crying by herself. Man, she's good. “This is just so hard for me Sean, and you know that. I'm just so sensitive, and I have such a big heart.” I swear she really says that. She cries more. “I'm going to be honest with you, because I always am, but my date with you has been really heavy on my heart…Today I confronted somebody because I felt like that person sabotaged our connection…Just, like, AshLee. She's been out to get me, I think...I hate confrontation like this and I hate getting emotional.” No words. I have no words.

Sean says, “Hold on for one second, I'll be right back.” Oh sweet god he's going to give her another rose for this crap. I'm going to need another drink for this.

—

Dole fruit bowls: because who the hell would want to eat fresh fruit? Ick.

—

Sean is walking around thinking about the drama. “I've made a decision.”

Sean goes back to talk to Tierra. Tierra starts bawling. Sean says, "I'm crazy about you, and I have been since the very first night." Seriously, eff you Sean if you give her a rose. "And since I care so much about you I think it might be best if…you know…you go home now."

OH NO HE DID NOT.

Sean apologizes. She says she's sorry. TOO LATE, PHALAROPE. He walks her out.

He asks if she's OK. “No, I'm not.” Well, that's not my problem now, Beee-ATCH. OK, he doesn't say that.

In the car she cries out, “I can't believe they did this to me!” Why is everyone so mean to Tieeeerrra? Do not go gentle into that good night, but please do go.

Sean goes back to talk to his sister, and tells her he cut it off with Tierra.

—

According to Swiffer my garden tools are getting more action than I am.

Bing ad with some music awards show aftermath—totally flops. I don't have anything against Bing; in fact, I may partner with them someday, but this ad is trying too hard to be cool. I don't use Google to look up awards shows I wasn't in, I use it to look up stuff in my actual life, like how to get cat vomit out of Persian rugs.

—

Rose night. The girls are talking about Tierra coming back, as if they didn't know she's gone. Hint to producers: we know that they have to wheel the gal's luggage past everyone after they axe her.

Sean recaps what a giant bag of crazy Tierra was, and how she's gone. AshLee confessiorries that Sean thinks she started the fight.

Sean says there will be no cocktail party because he already knows who he's going to cut. I'm still saying bye to AshLee, because I think he likes silly women more than hard ones.

Chris comes in. “I know all of you really respect what he did today with Tierra.” Amen.

Chris introduces Sean. First rose time, no words!

“Dez.” DUH. Dez all the way. “Of course daiwoo.” (I think.)

“Catherine.” Because she's fun and we need to leave AshLee for last. [silent hug]

Chris: “Ladies, Sean, this is the final rose tonight, when you're ready.”

“AshLee.” What the eff? “Of course.”

Well, I guess both AshLee and Lesley are too accomplished / professional for him, so it was one or the other. Sean whispers to her, “I wanna fuck you up,” and walks her out. Actually I may not have heard that right.

Catherine is visibly crying about losing Lesley from the pack, which makes me wonder even more about what C & L were doing in bed together earlier. I mean, it's cool. I'm not judging. You know, I'm a modern guy. I live in the Castro. Consenting adults, whatevs.

Lesley: "It doesn't feel good. It just doesn't, you know. Rejection. Doesn't. Feel. Good." So true.

Catherine is a mess.

Catherine says, "If he doesn't want Lesley then I don't know why I'm here.” Because you always smile at him and sit on his lap and kiss him? This isn’t rocket science.

No champagne toast this week! Or even red wine on ice.

—

Comcast thinks sitting on your car is your living room. This explains a lot about the problems I had with my last cable install.

—

After the break: Sean is telling Lesley his family tradition. Every Christmas his family drives around in PJs and looks at lights. Man, they are crazy mother-flippers.

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor, Season 17, Week 5, Part 2

Tonight on The Bachelor: "Part 2 of the two-day Bachelor Event." Why is there a part 2? Is this really necessary? Do we really need a daily dose of The Bachelor?

Sean's in Canada, on Lake Louise, because he needs another woman in his life. "The truth is, I'm not feeling so great, because I have some doubts going into this week.…There were definitely moments where I thought, 'My wife is probably not here.'" You poor guy. Again, if you'd like, I'll take Lesley and Catherine off your hands. This is a service I offer, at no charge, just because I'm a nice guy.

Nine women left. Chris addresses them in front of the lake. In Banff.

Banff Banff Banff. That's fun to say. Two one-on-one dates this week, plus a group date. Keep your bags packed because Sean could get bored of you at any moment, and you exist only for his pleasure.

"But first, go to your suite here at the Fairmont Chateau Lake Louise," who did not pay us a promotional consideration for this shout-out, so just shut up. Nyah.

Lesley "mmmm-mmm" M. says Lake Louise "screams romance." That's an awkward turn of phrase. "HEY! HEY YOUSE! I'M MOTHERFUCKING BEING ROMANTIC OVER HERE! SWEET NOTHINGS AND SHIT!"

Various gals confessional that there's a lot of tension and Sean's unhappy. YOU HAVE DISPLEASED THE GODS. AshLee says, "I feel like there is tension in the house; the girls are trying to subside the tension." I don't think you can use 'subside' that way, but, hey, I'm not the one on national TV, more's the pity.

Date card! Catherine (hot and smart), Daniella (casting couch), and Tierra (hatchet face) haven't had one-on-ones yet. "Catherine: Let's find our happy ending." Uh…they're going to play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey?

Catherine is all smiles. Yay, Catherine! She waits for Sean in the snow, until he pulls up in a "giant snow-bus."

See, I didn't even know that was a thing. They park the bus on a glacier in the middle of a snowstorm. Catherine's having a ball with him—it's lucky he didn't bring Tierra or Selma into this blizzard.

Sean says, "There's no doubt in my mind Catherine has passed the blizzard test." Because what's a date without testing?

—

Xfinity is "the future of awesome." Which I guess mean in the future "awesome" really lets itself go.

—

They go for a horse-drawn cart ride. Catherine loves everything. Carts. Snow. Sean. Air. Puppies. Everything.

They pull up to an ice castle.

Should've brought Lesley—she's more of an ice queen. Oooh! Ice burn!

MEANWHILE, back at the hotel, our friend End Table comes to deliver another date card.

Daniella Casting Couch confessionals she wants a one-on-one date because she hasn't had much time with Sean, and god knows Tierra has had more than her share. AshLee reads: "Tierra, Sarah, me, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley, and last but not least…Daniella." Oh burn. You're toast, Daniella. "Let's bare our souls." They're going to go walk on bear rugs?

All the girls discuss how shocked they are Daniella didn't get the one-on-one date. Daniella is sad. "I won't cry on camera."

Too late!

Meanwhile, back at the ice castle, Sean asks Catherine what he doesn't know about her. She confessionals she wants to tell him what's made her who she is. At age 12 a friend of hers was killed in front of her by a falling tree at summer camp. Yyyyy-ikes. And that taught her she wanted a partner in life.

Sean gives her a rose, because, duh, she's Catherine. He gives her some Sean Tongue (not to be confused with Sean Young, from Blade Runner).

Geez, Sean, do you kiss your mama with that tongue?

Catherine says, "I opened up to him." Yah, we see that. Sean says his whole perspective has changed after making out with Catherine. See, man, I told you.

—

Red Lobster. I recently read an article about how the U.S. inspects essentially none of the seafood that's imported from other countries, so restaurants with cheap shrimp probably have incredibly diseased, chemical-laden crap. Also: calamari made from bung, A.K.A. pig rectum. Dammit. Dammit all. 

—

Next morning, group date. "I have an exhilarating date planned today, that will definitely challenge the women." Ah good, a test. That means it's not fear or humiliation, so, you know, it's relatively benign for a date. Seriously, the only test I ever inflict on women I date is, "Let's see if I can touch your tonsils."

They're going canoeing. Because that worked great last episode. Lesley immediately volunteers to be with Sean, because she knows how to play this game.

Lesley decides Sean can row by himself and sits on the bottom of her canoe.

Rookie mistake—with the water right under her she's going to literally freeze her ass. (Yah, I'm an expert. North Georgia mountains, bitches.)

Selma confessionals she wanted a giant shark to come and eat Lesley's boat. Oh yah, like there are freshwater sharks in Canada, Selma. DUH. Oh, also, it'd kill Sean, too.

Although they're trying to cross the lake, in every shots the boats are all headed in very different directions. Would it have killed the producers to give the girls like a minute of paddling instructions?

Lesley confessionals, "We're paddling along…there better be a hot tub in my future because this is freezing." Told you.

Sean says, "The girls think the day's over. And it has been an incredible day, but it's not over." What? Dude, there's no way the girls think the date's over. Like, all you've done is paddle across a damn lake. That takes like twenty minutes. And only one of them even got to talk to you. Plus, these dates always go until late at night—there's always dinner, and a concert, or fireworks. Honestly, what kind of idiots would believe…ohhhhh. Right.

Sean tells the assembled girls they're going to do the "Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge." Wait, does this fall under humiliating, testing, or scaring them? Or all three? My god…it's the perfect-storm date.

Since we've seen the previews a billion times, we all know that Tierra is going to succumb to the cold and her frozen corpse is going to be hauled off in a body bag, while all the girls chant "ding-dong the bitch is dead."

To do it, Sean says they have to run over to the lake and "jump in the deep end." Do lakes have deep ends? "You don't have to do it if you don't want to do it." (Except you do.) "But hopefully everyone wants to do it." (Or go home, you wusses.)

Selma confessionals she's out. You go girl, set limits. (Actually I've done this and it's fun as heck, but I'm Icelandic—not Iraqi—so it's kind of in my blood.)

—

Glade: "Automatically fill your home with a welcoming fragrance." Ugh. Chemicals.

Capital One. It's been pointed out that Alec Baldwin seems like he's funny because his voice is so gravelly it sounds like he's always being sarcastic, but in fact that's just his voice.

—

Selma continues to resist. I think she's more worried about her make-up than anything else.

She strikes me as one of those girls you can't have sex with because she's upset if you mess up her hair or face. Oh, also because her mom would die.

Sean's trying to wheedle her into it. "You're only going to be able to do this once in your life." Actually, Sean, "cold water" is not the rare commodity you might expect. You may have even seen a tap in your house labelled "cold"—it may surprise you to learn there are multiple sources of this rare substance.

Selma confessinoals, "He was like, 'This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.' I'm like, 'No it's not, I could come back and do this any time.'" Hah! She gets it. 40 points for House Virgindor.

AshLee confessionals that she doesn't want to do it, but she'll do it, but she's going to be "emotionally vulnerable, because I know I'm doing it for Sean." That there is pretty fucked up. If you're going to emotionally blackmail a woman into doing something, it should at least be sex.

The camera keeps panning across the name of the company that's watching over them while the women take the plunge, but I guess late in the process the company decided they didn't want to pay the promotional fees, so we get a blurry mess.

Sean takes his shirt off.

Aww, yah, that's what we've been waitaminute no.

They jump into the water, shrieking the entire time. It sounds like seagulls outside an Ivar's.

Lesley doesn't let go of Sean the entire time. She's a smart cookie.

Tierra starts to spaz out. Quel surprise! She's bending over a lot and grasping at people but also squirming out of the towels they're trying to wrap around her. I don't…think this is how people experiencing hypothermia behave? But what do I know. Maybe the concussion she got earlier in the season was reactivated by the cold water.

Sean says he feels terrible.

Tierra is all doubled over and seems to be having trouble breathing. It all seems pretty contrived, but, to be fair, I don't think she's ever had to fake this particular malady before.

—

They wrap Tierra in towels and carry her out of there. Aren't they a canoe-ride from civilization? Isn't the treatment for hypothermia to press your naked chest against the other person? Wouldn't they have warming packs in the tent they've set up if they've gone to the trouble of having a nurse and a lifeguard present? Wouldn't somebody just fucking slap Tierra and tell her to stop squirming around so they could wrap her in a couple blankets and this whole thing could be over?

Oh, wait, then they wouldn't have footage for their two-night all-Tierra-drama spectacular.

Catherine and Desiree are looking on from the lodge, and, yes, they're carrying her back to it. Not, like, to a hospital. Just across the lake and to the lodge. Ok, if she's well enough that she's not going to the E.R., why is she being carried to the lodge like a burn victim?

 They put her into a black SUV to evaluate her condition, you know, how you do with anyone in distress.

"Do you know what day it is?" Tierra says, "Nuh-uh," but to be fair that's probably a pretty difficult question for her even when she's warm. I mean, she counts on her fingers when people ask her for her middle name.

She appears cold and unresponsive—wait, I know how to cure that. Quick, somebody turn a camera on her! That's always solved it before.

They drive the SUV fifty feet to the entrance of the lodge, then unload Tierra into a wheelchair to wheel her inside. This is like the keystone cops. Lake ▶ SUV ▶ Wheelchair ▶ Lodge. Of course, the lodge is on the lake, so they could have just walked her right up the front steps into the lodge. But where's the drama in that?

Tierra looks up and does a pouty face for the camera.

"I missed time with him," she whines to us. Oh, phew, she's back to her normal, super-annoying self. We were really worried there for a minute. Fake-hypothermia is, like, the number one almost-killer of attention whores who visit Canadian glaciers.

Great contrast shot of all the other girls whooping and hugging and smiling and saying how fun it was. Yay, everyone who isn't Tierra! But, hey, guess who'll get the rose this week?

The medics have put Tierra on oxygen and 1000cc's of hoagie.

Poooooooor Tierra. Sean comes to visit her. She's all, "I don't want you to see me like this," except, you know, she's had time to redo her mascara (see above). But, again, that's the first-line treatment for fake-hypothermia.

—

This rock star gets his hair cut at SuperCuts. Hmm. Nope!

Red Lobster has a tilapia special. But why eat tilapia when instead you can just eat garbage and eliminate the middle-fish?

—

Night time, the remaining non-hypochondriac women are at a party with Sean. Lesley confessionals, "I've never done that before—jump in Lake Louise when it's freezing outside." That's oddly specific.

She gets alone time with Sean, and tells him she knows it's cheesy, but, "I love love." Yup! Cheezy. He gives her some Sean Tongue.

Sarah's time with Sean. She's brought him something special: old photos of her! Oh boy! Everyone loves looking at your old family photos.

Meanwhile, End Table is back with another date card:

Damn, he's getting paid double this show. You go, table!

"Desiree: Don't be scared… to fall in love!" Oh, it's 'Dez' again for this date—the only woman to get two one-on-ones. Again I'd like to point out the value of wrapping your legs around a guy in a hot tub, ladies. It gets results!

MEANWHILE, Tierra gets out of her deathbed and puts on her warpaint to go find Sean because "I'm not having any fun." Yah, fake-hypothermia isn't the bundle of laughs you'd expect.

Tierra Tierra Tierra everyone is talking about her I'm bored with it. Great shot of her walking to the party with sound cue of wolf crying in the distance, though.

Lesley says, "She had a concussion…from falling up the stairs." What what what? We didn't know she was going up! That whole drama was because she tripped on the bottom step? Oh. Mah. God. Wat. A. Ho.

Tierra arrives at the party. Sean immediately takes her off for alone time. Because you have to go out of your way to reward crazy, or some girls will start to let it slide.

Lindsay the substitute teacher is whipping out the big guns tonight. I'm wondering how her students are going to react to this. She gets her alone time with Sean, and he says they can just spend all their time kissing if she wants. He gives her some SeanTongue.

Do you like hockey? Yah? How do you like this tonsil hockey?

The rose goes to Lesley, however, because he "turned a corner with her." I think "corner" is code for her hips in that bikini earlier, because, ka-pow.

Or maybe he's really that sincere and he's talking about an actual corner of a building that they walked around together, and he feels it was a special moment.

Tiera bitchfessionals that she thinks she deserved the rose because she has put up with a lot of crap.

—

MiO Fit has electrolytes! I still haven't seen that movie but it's supposed to be pretty great.

—

Sean confessionals that there's a woman who has told him she wants him to meet her family, but he's not that into her. I wonder who it could be? I mean, it could be Sarah, of course, because we just saw her say this like five minutes ago. But that's just what they want us to think.

"This has definitely been the hardest decision I've made thus far." Everybody drink for "hardest decision yet!"

He knocks on the door to a tiny room where all the women are apparently sitting in a circle? I dunno. He asks for Sarah. SURPRISEnot.

Daniella confessionals that "it's never happened before that Sean comes in and does something like this." Except of course with Kacie B. earlier in the season, where this is exactly what he did. Back to your couch.

Sean summarizes their relationship, right up to, "I think that we closed it with a kiss tonight." What? I don't have a screencap of his tongue inside her. "And if I'm being completely honest, I just felt like…I felt like we were reaching." Oh, now he's make arm jokes. That's just mean.

She's upset. But she takes it like a champ. She's been the butt of my stupid jokes a lot but she's a super-sweet gal and has never been anything but class. I hope she and Robyn are friends after this.

She cries in the limo. She's searching for validation that she's a whole person when she thinks she's not, so it kills her a little every time she's rejected. I sympathize.

—

Seally™ has trademarked the phrase "Not too Hot, Not too Cold." Urm. I thought the three bears had that one.

I actually just found the ball Alec Baldwin lost in his Capital One ad. It's rolling around on the luggage conveyer on the left side of the screen.

—

It's a new day, and Tierra is getting breakfast outside.

Hah hah! She's a bear because we hate her.

Desiree voiceovers, "Today is a huge day for me. I think Sarah going home makes it even more realistic for everyone."

realistic |ˌrēəˈlistik| adjective: 1. having or showing a sensible and practical idea of what can be achieved or expected.

Nope!

"This is getting harder and harder as the weeks go on." That's two drinks, one for "getting real" and one for "getting hard."

Sean says he's worried Dez is worried, but "hopefully today I can put her at peace." You're going to KILL her? That seems extreme.

They hike to "Tunnel Mountain." I expect they'll later eat dinner on Ocean Plateau and then take a ride back in the Boat Train.

He's going to force her to repel down the mountain to get lunch. Yay! Testing! And probably fears. Sean blathers about how this relates to relationships. SPOILER ALERT: they get to the bottom and go on about how they conquered it together and blah blah blah.

For some reason this date with Dez isn't as hot as the last one, where she was in a bikini:

Here's a hint, guys: Don't take your dates to the fucking tundra.

She gives him some tongue.

This guy plays more hockey than Gretzky.

Sean: "I just thought this was such a rewarding day for her." How paternal you are, sir. They climb trees.

—

Kellogg's "Crunch" sounds like it's voiced by Albert Brooks. (Shut your eyes and imagine Nemo's dad next time it's on.)

Red Lobster took seafood out onto the street and gave it to strangers. Surprisingly, people liked free food.

—

Night. They walk into a giant teepee in the woods. Desiree spends like five minutes talking about how poor she was growing up. Notice a pattern where every time someone gets alone with Sean she tells him some sad story from her past?

Sean gives her the rose. Time for more smooches.

—

Night time, exterior shots…the bokka-bow-ka-bokka music tells us intrigue is afoot, so it's cocktail party time.

Sean tells the women he doubted himself last week, but now that he's drowning in other people's saliva he believes again.

Selma's time with Sean. She voiceovers she feels bad not jumping in the lake, because she didn't "put herself out there for him."

Oh, I'd say she's putting herself out there.

They splice together a horrible frankensound clip where she says she didn't kiss him because OF HER CULTURE. Also, she said her mom would literally die if she did. She tells him to hold still.

Aaaand she kills her mom. Nice going.

Selma confessionals: "To kiss someone on national television is a huge shame—to my family. But, mama, please forgive me. It was necessary." She can't hear you because SHE IS DEAD. "I had to bring out the big guns tonight."

Yup.

Lindsay's time. She starts by saying "I promised myself I wouldn't kiss you," and I can't decide if this is a genius strategy or lunacy. She tells him she sleeps naked. OK, leaning towards genius. He gives her some Sean Tongue.

AshLee's time. She goes into the being abandoned, and how she is a control freak. Then she gives him a scarf to blindfold her. OK, I'm down, but has she forgotten about Fifty Shades of Tramp?

So her idea is: he's supposed to blindfold her because she's totally afraid of that, and then he can either leave her or not, because that's her biggest fear, because her parents never wanted her.

Yipes. I mean, my heart goes out to her, but this gal need therapy, not a man. Sean gives her some tongue therapy.

I wonder if he tastes like "other women."

Chris appears. Rose time! Sean says this is one of the toughest decisions he's ever been forced to make. Drink!

—

There are three roses to be given out. Two women are going home tonight! (Really, though, or is this a head-fake since they sent Sarah home early?)

Chris addresses the thong throng. "What a week it's been here in Lake Louise." Yah, I mean, Jeez Louise, amirite? "In Montana there was drama, Sean was frustrated. Not good." Don't anger your master! "This week, you've all really put yourself out there, and Sean's noticed." The great and mighty Sean is pleased with your offerings so far, but requires more tongue kissings.

Catherine, Lesley, and Desiree are safe.

I think it's fair to say these three are safe until the very end.

Chris points out there are three roses and five women without them, and does the math.

I'm still guessing Sean will ask for an extra rose at the last minute. Because, he wants to send Daniella home, but who else? I guess he could dump Selma, since she's probably a Muslim and he probably can't handle that. At any rate, we know Tierra will get the very last rose, because the producers want to toy with us.

Sean comes out. He whines more about last week. "This decision is by far the toughest decision I've made thus far." Drink. "My wife might well be among you." Drink.

"Lindsay." She played it right. "Of course."

"AshLee." Ugh, she's too uptight even for me, and that's saying something. "I will, thank you."

FINAL ROSE.

"Tierra." Oh Sean you're so damn stupid. CALL ME, SELMA. "Yesss."

"Selma, Daniella, sorry. Take a moment and say your goodbyes."

Selma's pretty controlled in defeat. She's not too angry or too hurt. She should probably call me. I bet she's mad she killed her mom for Sean now. She says she thinks Tierra isn't the right woman for Sean, but he'll figure that out. Also, she might want to call me.

Daniella is crying. She says she's shocked, which seems strange since he never took her on a date. She says she's "keeping a straight face, but obviously I'm hurt" but she's also crying when she says that so she has a different definition of "straight face" from me, or, like, the dictionary. "I'm just, like, over having a broken heart." She's OVER it, ya'll.

Sean toasts his remaining harem by saying he had a moment of clarity, and just knew "you six are the six for me." God, is that something anyone ever says? I guess now it is.

He tells the women to pack their bikinis (and not just leave them in a lodge in Banff, I guess) because next week they're going to St. Croix. I'm sad Selma won't be going but then again she could call me and I could take her. I've dated Muslim women. And I've got money. I'm just sayyyyyyin'.

—

Final over-credits sequence is Sean talking about being four years old and peeing in a desk drawer for shits and giggles. Well, for piss and giggles.

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor, Season 17 Week 5

"Tonight on The Bachelor" blah blah you know the drill. I think this will be my last season blogging about The Bachelor… I admit there are only so many jokes to be made about this show. So, let's enjoy the rest of our limited time together, shall we?

Chris saunters into the mansion and addresses the eleven remaining women: “This week, things are getting a lot more serious.” Drink every time things get more serious, so we can all get more sauced-ious.

This week there's a group date (A.K.A. "catfight" in plain English), a one-on-one date (A.K.A. "mano-a-womano" in plain Spanish), and a two-on-one date (A.K.A. "ménage à trois" in plain French). Not mentioned: Medjool date, and Date, Fukushima. Maybe next week!

The women groan at the two-on-one date. "Two of you will go out on a date with Sean—but only one of you will return." So it's kind of like Thunderdome, except even less likely to actually happen in the real world.

Incidentally, how great would it be if Tina Turner actually had a reality show based on Thunderdome? I'd watch that. "You have failed the challenge, so you must face…Master Blaster."

Chris announces they're all "embarking on a worldwide journey to find love with Sean—and that journey starts today." And it starts…in Montana! The casting couch gal is delirious.

The girls all smile and clap and hoot. Montana! So glamorous. Shit, it's been my lifelong dream to go there, but I've never had the like forty bucks in gas money. Lucky gals! This is way better than fucking lame-o France or Italy or some other Old World shit.

Sean voiceovers he thinks Montana is gorgeous. He says he likes "to camp and canoe, and so Montana is definitely going to test some of the women." Ah, there it is, the testing. Testing, humiliation, and exploiting fears are the trifecta upon which every lasting relationship is built. In Bartertown.

The ladies arrive in Whitefish.

"WooooooooOOoo!" they all yell, and this is probably the first time anyone has ever "woo"-ed about arriving in Whitefish without being at least six Old Milwaukees in. Wait, that's not fair: they probably are drunk.

Daniella says, "I have never been to Montana I get to see my boyfriend YAY!" without any pauses. Your "boyfriend?" Catherine makes a heart with her arms.

She's perky! $50 says she was on the cheer squad in high school. Wait, I'll just text my friend. "Hey was Catherine a cheerleader in high school?" Waiting...

Hatchet-face says she's excited to see Sean and then hilariously they leave in a bit where she bats ineffectively at a fly in front of her. There was no reason not to cut that or use a different take except to make her look more foolish.

I approve. Grr, stupid Hatchet-face.

They arrive at a lodge. Which one, I don't know. If only this place had paid some money to the producers to get their name featured.

Selma reads the date card. It's for Lindsay the substitute teacher.

"Lindsay: Let love soar!" Let's see, that suggests a date that is neither humiliating nor particularly testing, so I'll wager another $50 that Lindsay has a fear of flying. (Not a euphemism for sex—in this one instance.)

As a side note, I'm only now catching up to where I was an hour ago when I tried to save a draft of this post to tumblr and it decided to throw an error screen and delete all my progress. Thank you, tumblr! Your famous stability has once again made my night. I've now spent two hours recapping the first four minutes and thirty seconds of The Bachelor—a wise investment of time that will no doubt pay enormous dividends when I am cast as the snarky yet lovable Bachelor sidekick for next season.

Lindsay squirts a little at the thought of seeing Sean. He walks her out to…a helicopter! Oh, helicopter, our old friend. We've missed you so. Where have you been, buddy?

Lindsay is unsure what it is.

Yup, she's an American teacher.

The producers usher the women out to the porch to wave at what is clearly a completely different helicopter—it's an old red Bell, not the sleek black one.

Let's zoom in on that.

See, this is why you need to color-match in post.

They fly to Glacier National Park.  Lindsay confessionals, "I've never felt so close to anyone before in such a little amount of time." This is the effect of keeping the women constantly stimulated—it keeps them pumped with dopamine, convincing them they're madly in love. Keep throwing new stuff at them and eventually they'd fall in love with an anteater.

Time for Sean tongue!

Ah, tongue, our old friend. Where you been, buddy? Did you see helicopter was here earlier?

—

Geico ad. Are slinkies on escalators really happy? Or just discouraged? It seems a sad, Sisyphean task.

Windows Phone was designed for everybody! Everybody who likes not being able to tell their icons apart.

—

Night. Sean confessionals, "Tonight I want to sit down and see if we can go a little bit deeper." Hmm, I'd recommend doggy for that, not sitting.

Sean and Lindsay seem to be on the same level (i.e. "very sincere"). That's good. She tells him about her daddy issues. Score! You're set, Sean—as long as you never show her any sign of weakness, because gals with daddy issues hate that shit.

Meanwhile, back at the lodge, a knock is heard. Date card? Yes! And it's delivered by another old friend:

It's Perambulatory Coffee Table! We haven't seen you in forever, buddy. Did they only pick up your contract for the away dates this season?

Oh, man, I've missed that coffee table. It raises the average IQ of this show by quite a bit.

"You make my heart race…" They're going go-karting, maybe? Doesn't seem humiliating enough. "Selma, me, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Leslie, Robyn, Daniella."

Tierra and Jackie are left over to face off on the last date. Tierra is happy with this result, as she's probably aware that Jackie's basically been a non-entity up til now, plus Tierra's face is already half off anyhow. Because of her hatchet wound.

MEANWHILE, Sean gives the date rose to Lindsay. Surprisenot. Time for more smooches. ¡Muchas smooches!

Sean tells her he might have one more surprise for her. "What?" she says. I'm guessing hot tub. I wish gals were this excited to get into my hot tub, where I could trot it out like it's a super-special treat for them. "Guess what? You get to…get half-naked and wet in front of me! YOU LUCKY GAL!"

Oh, no, wait, it's the "entire town of Whitefish" (about 150 people?) showing up to a private concert with "Sarah Darling" (who?).

Did the demo studies on The Bachelor reveal that all their viewers love country music, or are country singers just unusually willing to whore themselves out for private concerts on reality TV shows?

At any rate, Sarah Darling looks a lot like a better-looking Lindsay, which is pretty confusing, except Sarah has a microphone attached to her mouth.

"Coming up!" We see a gal being hauled off in a body bag or something. I'm betting this is going to be a lot less dramatic than it seems.

—

Embassy Suites ad, starring pseudo-Kevin Spacey without the Foghorn Leghorn accent he does in House of Cards. Also, Capital One has double miles and gravelly-voiced Alec Baldwin.

—

Group date. Selma jumps up on Sean and wraps her legs around him. Wonder how her mom's heart is holding out.

It's goats! This seems like a great opportunity for some humiliations.

Chris the host is here, and tells them they'll be participating in a relay race, one stage of which is to milk a goat and drink the milk. Yah. You swallow that yummy warm white stuff. Gulp it all down, you dirty girl. You like that.

Desiree says, "I will down goat's milk to get more time with Sean." Oh yah, she's D.T.G.

The gals are divided into teams and don team flannel shirts. You know the drill: losers go home. Lesley the hot nerd-hater says, "I'm going to chug that goat milk like it's my job." Related: Lesley, I may have a position open in my company for you.

Sarah's participating in the relay race: "I don't think having one arm is going to hold me back today." Well, yah, it's hard to hold anything back with only one arm.

Selma is miming how one might milk a goat, and the gals all laugh at how much it looks like giving a hand-job. Meanwhile, back in Iraq, her mother is declared officially dead.

The girls jump into canoes to start. They are absolutely abysmal canoers. Next, they buck hay. What the buck? Then, cross-cut.

The drama!

Now for the critical goat-milking component. Desiree chugs the milk like a champ.

Sean says, "You took it like a champ." See, i told you. (There's really no other way to finish congratulating someone on guzzling.) I guess as far as wife tryouts go this isn't the least relevant activity. Desiree says, "The goat's milk was warm. And it came out my nose."

Yup, that's a "it came out my nose" face. (I don't even have to bother writing jokes, sometimes.)

As is traditional, Sean has a champagne toast with the winning team while the losing team is loaded into the losers' van to go home. Because: classy.

—

This pig flies and uses an iPhone to pay his Geico bill. I have a new invention for you—I call it "auto-pay," except it's not new, and every insurance company has it. That'll do, pig.

—

Sean confessionals that his heart was sinking sending the blue team home, because, like, a bunch of the girls he wants to tongue were on that team. So, "Ima have to bend the rules a little bit."

Back at the lodge, Chris shows up. Tense music! Chris has a date card for the blue team, inviting them back to the date in progress. Chris explains that maybe picking who gets dates via slurping goat milk isn't the best way to find a wife. Gosh, you think? NOWAI.

MEANWHILE, back on the date, Sean toasts the winning gals, then tells them he's invited the blue team to join them. They're ecstaticnot!

Desiree confessionals that she's mad her chugging was wasted. Robyn is too. Also, Sarah. Shocker.

Meanwhile, Daniella the casting couch joke from the loser team says, "The girls are going to literally die when we show up." Just as Selma's mom would literally die if she were to kiss on TV? I guess maybe the bodybag they keep previewing could be filled with gals literally dying of shock.

Tierra Hatchet-face (no relation to Terry Hatcher) is also pissed "the losers" get to spend time with Sean, even though she wasn't even on this date…so she needs to go find Sean to see where his head is at. Because that makes perfect sense. Ugh. Selma's from the winning team and is also pissed, so at this point pretty much everyone not on the blue team or named "Sean" is mad.

This is a bit of a slam for the gals who lost the volleyball challenge. They didn't get called back. On the other hand, they weren't as hot as Lesley and Catherine.

Sean confessionals, "A lumberjack challenge cannot determine who I spend time with." Yah, it makes a farce of this whole substantial process!

MEANWHILE, Tierra has decided to join the date with the red and blue teams as well, for no reason other than that she's an insufferable b.

—

Disney: Also for childless couples who fucking hate themselves enough to go be around a billion other people's screaming fat kids.

—

Recap of Tierra sneaking into Sean's date (see left side of frame).

Sean hugs her. She takes him outside. She berates him. "What the heck, why am I getting a two-on-one?" (The one she was ecstatic about getting earlier.) "It felt like a huge slap in the face." You know what else feels like a huge slap in the face? A huge slap in the face. Sean?

Sean kisses her goobye, but no tongue. That's a bad sign for old McHatchet.

Desiree uses all her alone time with Sean to complain that she was the chugging champion. AshLee interrupts her, and confessionals to us that she thinks Sean called them back just for her. Sure! If you ignore the other two girls he likes even better.

MEANWHILE back at the lodge, the final date card arrives. "Tierra and Jackie: Love is a wild ride." Also, a note from Chris: "Two women, one rose. One stays, one goes." Bust a deal, face the wheel!

Back on the date, Sean goes off with Catherine. "Catherine is someone that I just want to cuddle with." Me too, except I actually think he means "cuddle" there. He's so sincere! Catherine is showing a lot of smarts: she doesn't get much air time because she's not generating any drama, and every time she's with Sean she maintains eye contact and smiles her cute head off. This turns out to be a great way to win a guy over!

Daniella the casting couch gal goes to get her one-on-one time and sees Catherine sitting on Sean's lap. She voiceovers it feels weird. Yup. This is the exact moment it got weird to date a guy who's dating ten other woman.

She complains to Desiree. "They're, like, sitting on each other's laps." Wait, are they taking turns? Daniella continues, "It felt like, 'Would you get off of her lap?'" Because she can't breathe? Even Desiree catches it: "You mean, she was on his lap."

Sean finally invites Daniella away. Daniella is crying by now. Sean sits her down: "There's a couch in here." Luckily, Daniella already knows her way around a couch. Crying is a dangerous gambit: you might get the rose, you might get sent home for being pouty.

Sean gives her some Sean tongue.

That'll sort her out!

Date rose time. Sean assembles the women, and gives the date rose to Daniella, for showing him "a different side of her" by crying. Remember when Tierra pulled this stunt last episode and also got the rose? I think the gals have his number now. Next week is going to be 100% crying women.

Oh, I see, the body-bag thing is going to be in a separate episode, airing the night after this one. Sweet god, this thing is going to be padded out. Three damn hours this week. That's more than any human should have to endure.

—

This Capital One ad where Alec Baldwin is riding a luggage conveyer in the middle of a golf course makes no sense to me.

—

It's the day of the two-on-one. Hatchet-face confessionals that she's a horrible person and will die alone with a giant dent in her forehead. Essentially.

They go horseback riding, as required in the bylaws of The Bachelor. Sean rides with Tierra, while Jackie's horse lags behind. Jackie confessionals that she needs to tell Sean some things about Tierra. ARGH NO STOP. Never works.

Jackie's alone time with Sean: "I would hate for you to fall in love with somebody who is not their true self." Subtle so far. "I'm not one way with the girls and another way with you." More obvious. Sean asks, "Are you implying there are girls who are?"

Jackie: "No, no." But she goes on, "Obviously, Tierra has been…" ARGH STOP this never works you are getting sent home. Jackie tells Sean that Tierra flirted with a cute guy at the airport. OH. MAH. GOD. If only public stonings were still legal! Can you imagine dating someone who was flirting with other people? That would be horrible.

Jackie confessionals, "I think I definitely opened up with him." Shit, I don't have a drink. Sean gives her some tongue.

This show should be sponsored by Valtrex™.

—

Glade: if your husband comes home from his trip early, your house won't be full of your stank. Here's another idea: don't let shit rot in your house.

—

Night of the two-on-one. Jackie is trash-confessionalling Tierra. It's hard to enjoy because we know Tierra is staying, since she's too horrible to cut, and we lost the other villain last show.

It's time for the most awkward dinner ever, another staple of this show.

He invites Tierra to spend one-on-one time without any of them having touched their food. Argh that makes me nuts. Eat your goddam dinners. There are starving children on other TV shows.

The producers love Tierra. She's had more confessional time than all the other women combined. She says she suspects Jackie talked crap about her. "People like that try to make themselves look better when it only turns around and bites them in the butt." DAT NOT ENGLISH.

Tierra tells Sean: "I get scared because I have the biggest heart." Get that looked at! Cardiomegaly can be serious.

Tierra tells Sean she dated a junkie who died. "The hardest part of losing him was I lost my best friend." This confession would not endear her to me. People who invite trouble into their lives always have trouble in their lives. It's axiomatic.

They return to the table. Sean grabs the rose. He addresses each woman. Jackie's a slow starter. Tierra had an instant connection but hasn't been a smooth ride. He gives the rose to Tierra, of course, because FUCK YOU viewers, that's why.

Sean confessionals that it's a shame he doesn't have strong romantic feelings for Jackie. Yah, it really is. Jackie cries on the ride home. Sean snuggles with Tierra Ughface. Fireworks go off overhead, which all the other women can see from the lodge, because FUCK YOU women.

It looks like maybe it's Tierra who gets hypothermia next episode. She's a fucking disaster magnet.

—

Rose ceremony night. I'm betting ahead of time Tierra steals Sean's time despite already having a rose. C'mon. $50? Anyone?

Sean wanders off with Desiree.

Desiree's cleavage tonight is brought to you by WonderBra™. "WonderBra: No guy can tell if you have big boobs or are just mashing those puppies together."

Desiree confessionals that it seems Sean gives roses to the girls who are having a hard time. What'd I tell you? He's generating the drama. We've all learned a valuable lesson in market-driven economies.

Sean tells "Dez" she doesn't need a rose, which I take to mean, "Look, you wrapped your legs around me in a hot tub, you're golden." Sean asks if him keeping Tierra bugged Desiree. Entrapment! She ducks the question. Good girl. Now just smile and kiss him. Take a page from Catherine's book. Sadly, she takes the bait and dishes on Tierra. Sean immediately confessionals he's now having doubts about Desiree. SEE?

More Tierra confessionals: "I seriously want to punch everyone in that room." The producers are going to be so sad when she's gone. The girls bond over how much they hate Tierra. Tierra: "I honestly wish I was a fighter. I honestly do. Because I would beat the BLEEP out of these bitches." Oh, you can say bitch but not shit? I'm calling sexism, ABC.

Robyn decides to walk over and talk to Tierra, because that worked so well last episode, with their fauxpologies. Robyn tells Tierra she's sullen until the cameras are on. Lesley agrees. Lesley's here? Tierra reacts like a cornered animal: "I'm going to lay it out for you all." Suddenly we see a reaction shot with Catherine. Catherine's here?

Tierra spews a bunch of stuff that doesn't make sense, about how everyone is mean to her, basically. "If I want to go get engaged, I could get engaged. There are plenty of BEEP guys!" Catherine and Lesley show that they can out-ice her any day.

I'm starting to really love them, god damn it.

—

Back to the big Tierra melt-down. "I am like so over this! I don't even care." Those two sentences are unique in that everyone who has ever uttered them is lying. Catherine and Lesley decide to get a drink and flounce off. Awesome.

IN A TOTAL COINCIDENCE NOT AT ALL SET UP BY THE PRODUCERS, Sean walks through the room while Tierra is still laying into Robyn. Uh-oh! Too bad you gave crazy a rose! Never promise crazy a rose. Sean paces in front of the fireplace conspicuously.

So he asks Tierra for some alone time. "I can tell she is visibly upset." Yup, that's the definition of "visible," all right. Tierra tells him how ALL the girls are attacking her. "I'm not a drama person, at all." Hee hee, that's a third one—always a lie. "It's just FUSStrating for me because I am such a nice girl," and what the hell does she base that on?

Sean says he doesn't want to be naive. "If there's something I don't know, I feel like someone should say something." You mean, besides Kacie B, who you sent home, and Jackie, who you sent home? Hrm.

Sean gets alone time with Lesley (hot hot hot wait no she hates nerds must stop) and asks her about Tierra. This can only end well! Sean: "They say things like, 'Tierra is not here for the right reasons.'" Lesley tells him Tierra is cold around all the women. Oh, Lesley, don't fall for it. Smile and kiss. Smile and kiss!

Rose ceremony time.

—

OK, they're going to waste four minutes before the rose ceremony to pad this sucker out until the final commercial break. So, uh, we're left with the non-Tierra girls talking on the couches. They're all hoping Tierra gets sent home somehow.

Sean and Chris chat. Weird night, brah. Yah, brah. Chicks! Fuckin' chicks.

Sean complains about women who "want to spend their time talking about other women." Told you told you told you. Sean says he likes Tierra, but he wishes they could move past the drama. "If it doesn't affect me directly, then why are we wasting time talking about Tierra."

Wow. The depth of arrogance in this statement. Look, I'm looking for my best friend and my wife, but I seriously don't care if you bitches are all miserable—does this affect my tongue-kissing any? No? Then why you all yak-yakking to me?

"If you're goin to come to me and say something about Tierra at least have some supporting evidence." I'm not sure being a huge bitch leaves a lot of physical evidence, Sean. You're looking for a smoking snatch, maybe?

Sean is doubting if his wife is still in the room. What a damn whiner. Catherine and Lesley are still in there, or even Desiree and Lindsay if he likes his girls hot but a bit dumber. Know what, Sean? Just for you, buddy, I'll switch places with you, if you're so "discouraged."

—

Is your teenage daughter slipping away from you? Buy her off with Disney parks! Teenagers are never sullen on trips. Ever.

—

Chris scolds the assembled women for being such harridans. Why do harems always got to fight?

Tierra Ugh, Daniella, and Lindsay all have roses. Here's Sean.

Hi everyone I'm Sean and I'm a big dumb man dur dur dur this week was hard some of us went backwards this week because you have emotions and that's icky.

"Selma." Virgins are hot. "Yesssss."

"Catherine." Told you told you told you. "-breath sound-"

"Lesley." Must not fall in love with her. She hates my people. "I will. Thank you so much!"

Pause. Drama!

"AshLee." Our feelings are mmm-orphan into something real. "Thank you."

"Sarah." She won't go away empty-handed. "Of course, thank you."

ONE MOTHERFUCKING ROSE LEFT. Robyn vs. Desiree. I think we all know which one of them wrapped her legs around him in a hot tub.

"Dez." Damn it's painful to always be right. Ouch. "Of course!"

Chris comes back. "Robyn, I'm sorry. Take a moment, say your goodbyes." Say goodbye to all of this. "Goodbye all of this!"

The girls hug and kiss her. She's great. Sean walks her out, and I'm dying to hear his explanation. "You're awesome, but it turns out I like huge bitches. So, there it is. Anyhow, peace."

Actually all he says is, "Best of luck, OK." Yup. Touching.

Robyn confessionals she's bitter about him choosing Tierra. Well, duh. She cries a little, but she leaves with our respect and able to date any guy she wants.

Sean stands outside looking mopey and voiceovers he's questioning everything. Chris voices over: "Don't forget the drama continues tomorrow night, but first here's a special sneak peek at the rest of this season of The Bachelor" and they add a huge ton of padding.

—

Pristiq may help you with depression or it may fucking kill you. Ask your doctor!

—

After the final commercials we see outtakes of Sean trying to chop wood. I'm not surprised he sucks at it, but I am surprised he has his shirt on.

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor: Season 17, Week 4

Tonight on The Bachelor: I skip the previews yet can't help but notice someone who looks like Kacie B. crying, which would be odd since she was taken out and shot last time.

At the mansion, host Chris tells the assembled ladies that there are 13 of them (math is hard!) and "it seems like everything is going very very well here." Also that Sean "sees his wife sitting in this room," which I still find a creepy expression.

And since the show's just starting, it's time for our weekly…

SEAN TITTIES! Yaaaayyyyyywaitaminute no this sucks.

Sean confessionals, "This week I want to make sure that the girls trust me." Yes, yes, come closer, my pretties. "I want them to know that I'm serious about this…"

OH JESUS CHRIST SEAN BUTT what gods have I angered??

Back at the mansion, it's date card time: "Selma: let's turn up the heat." This show loves cheezy puns and humiliating women so…I'm guessing they are going turnip picking?

Selma says, "I'm finally gonna get to open up to him; he's finally going to get to see…the real me." I'm wondering if the "real her" also has huge boobs, because I'm pretty sure Sean's into that. Anyways, two clichés means two drinks, and I just realized I haven't poured my Bachelor wine yet. BRB.

OK, glass #1 in hand, which is worth two in the bush, unless she's really hot.

Selma continues, "And then I want to take it to the next level...[it's like she's trying to kill me with alcohol poisoning] And the next level and then have babies." Never promise crazy a baby. Selma excuses herself to go get ready.

The other girls are crushed. Leslie the poker dealer is crying in her confessional. She obviously didn't make any promises to herself vis-a-vis how quickly she'd start crying on this show. She wants Sean to see that she's "here for the right reasons," and this show officially needs new scriptwriters.

Sean comes to pick Selma up. Here's how she got ready:

Wow, how long did it take you to put that fetching ensemble together, Selma?

Sean voiceovers that Selma has told him "people are quick to judge her. She's got a pretty face." I'm pretty sure people are noticing her other features. Boobs—that's what I'm getting at. Huge boobs.

Bluestar Jets has nicely provided a jet for them to fly someplace. Geez, that was sure awfully sweet of the fine folks at Bluestar Jets. Bless their generous hearts. Bluestar Jets.

Sean confessionals: "I'll be interested to see what her face looks like when she realizes today is far from glamorous." Oh, goodie, the humiliation. What date is complete without it? I'm still down for turnip picking.

They land in the middle of the desert. B-reel of rocks and hawks and lizards and shit, with the same old goddam red-tail hawk sound cue telling us it's a remote location.

Selma confessionals, "You took the Iraqi to a desert." Well, that kind of makes sense.

—

If you're depressed, ask your doctor if Pristiq is right for you. Also, here's a minute of stuff about how incredibly dangerous this fucking drug is. Do these guys pay for these ads? Or are they put up by competitors?

—

Back in the desert, they get into a Jeep™ Rubicon™. I've never understood why you'd name a vehicle that—is the idea once you get this Jeep™ you're in it for good, mister? They roar off, and the sound editor takes a little license with the tire screech (they're on gravel) and the engine noise (unless this is a magical, 12-cylinder Jeep™).

Still no hint where they are.

"I picked this date today for Selma because I wanted to take this glamorous girl out of her element." Yah! Fuck her! And her stupid glamour! Who cares what she wants? Relationships are about forcing girls to do things they find uncomfortable.

They hike twenty feet. She complains a lot. He invites her to climb a rock. Because she hates heights and has told him she's not athletic. Whee!

Sean is climbing right behind her in her little yoga pants and says, "You look cute in that helmet" because he really is the most sincere guy in the world. She actually outpaces him because in rock-climbing weighing nothing is a huge advantage, and also there are people pulling her up (see the top of this shot).

Sean tells her, "You really impressed me today." Operation Desert Whorin' was a success. Mission accomplished.

Nighttime. Sean's taking her to dinner…at an ugly, kitschy '50s RV park. I dunno if this is a real thing? It seems like maybe it's a tourist attraction. It's too ugly to be something they just set up.

Sean confessionals, "I'm definitely getting the vibe she wants to kiss me, too." Ya think?

She tells him she was raised in a traditional Arabic family. She confessionals that if she kisses someone on national television, "My mom would literally have a heart attack." And then shit her pants.

So she doesn't! I am shocked. I still feel like I wouldn't want to be carrying her mom's life insurance policy, if Selma's not supposed to be publicly dating at all and she's, you know, doing it on national TV.

I've heard there was a virgin on The Bachelor this season; I guess it must be Selma. At this point I guess you'd expect me to make fun of a 29-year-old virgin, but, honestly, I dated one not too long ago and she was pretty normal. Well, OK, she was extremely hot but I mean "normal" as in not totally crazy.

Back at the mansion: Date card!

This is how they dress when they're flopping around the house by themselves? Dang, they could make a whole second show about guys who come and visit the house when Sean's off with one of the girls. Oh, man, that's a great idea. Imagine a reality show where there's two dudes but they don't know about each other, and they're both dating the same stable of women? At the end they fight it out to see who gets to be with the top woman.

Hatchet-face confessionals she doesn't want a group date, "I don't need no chaperones anymore." But what's her feeling on stinking badges?

"Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, Ashley, Sarah, and… Tierra: I'm looking for a woman who can roll with the punches." I'm guessing they're going to drink fruit punch and eat some dinner rolls?

Back on the date, Sean is petting Selma's hair like she's a 110-pound ferret. He says he wants to kiss her. She says, "I can't kiss you, but I want to." She tells him, "We're not allowed to date, actually." So, I anticipate this is going to be a problem.

Sean: "Her eyes are basically just asking me to kiss her. Huuuhhh. I don't know what to do." Ehhhhh, we're getting into a dangerous area here. If her eyes say yes and her lips say no then maybe just play it safe and listen to her? I dunno, just spitballing here.

He gives Selma the rose. They hug. He kisses her forehead. Sean confessionals, "She could be the one." Suddenly music starts up with actual lyrics and I wonder if there's a group of owls nearby serenading them.

We see a long shot of a pile of marshmallows and I'm reminded that they haven't actually had any dinner. Oh well! She weighs 110 pounds, it's not like she needs the calories. MooooOOoo!

—

Geico again.

Nissan ad where a guy breaks up with his gas station attendant because his car is so efficient. It's just kind of sad. The gas station attendant seems like a nice guy. I'd miss him.

—

Next morning. Girls are running out of the house to go on a group date. Lindsay the substitute teacher guesses their date is "getting into those hamster-ball things and rolling down a hill." Give her points for creativity?

Sean confessionals about this date, "It'll be interesting to see who rises to the challenge." He's at least trying to get us to think it's boxing. Which makes me think it's not. Also, they brought the one-arm girl. And even this show wouldn't put her in a boxing ring.

Oh, it's roller derby. Hatchet-face confessionals, "I'm excited because I get to knock some biatches down." Ah, she's always good for a sound bite.

Amanda lies and tells everyone she's roller derbied before so she could get into their heads. This can't possibly blow up in her face! Unless it does.

Sarah (one arm) cryfessionals that roller derby is hard when you don't have two arms to balance you.

This does seem a bit cruel. Like: all the gals have elbow pads on both arms except Sarah. If she falls, she catches herself with her raw arm stub. Fucking ouch. AshLee appears to be a real sweetie and is trying to pep Sarah up.

Sean confessionals that he feels bad for Sarah, but he feels like he should encourage her to do it. This is getting a bit paternalistic. Maybe don't drag her into doing things that aren't safe given her physiology? Like, let's see Sean squeeze a baby through his dick-hole. C'mon! Don't let your body define you!

Sean tells her he doesn't care if she plays or not—she can just hang out with him. Seems like this would be the right move for her? I'm reminded of a time in 11th-grade physical education when the coach was all, "OK, you can each play either basketball or badminton today." All of the girls picked badminton, and all the boys picked basketball except me. I'm thinking: I suck at basketball, I'm good at racquet sports, and I like girls.

So this cool black guy in my class is all, "Ohhh, look at you, playing with the giiiirrrrls." Up until that point in my life I'd always been a shy kid and afraid of anyone mocking me, and I'd been picked on a lot for not being macho. But 11th grade was the year I grew into myself a bit, and I said, "Hey, you going to tease me or are you going to join me and all the girls?"

And he joined us. He and I were pals for years.

ANYhow, Amanda is bragging how great she is at skating (the other girls agree) but then she hits the ground hard. On her face. Someone voiceovers she might have broken her chin. Yah, uh, I don't think she'd be, like, so calm?

—

Five-Hour Energy ad with a douche trying to be funny talking about all the things he's done, except he's a douche so it's not funny. I've read about this company and they're making billions; I don't understand why they can't manage to come up with an ad that's not completely full of douches. When their first ad campaign was out I actually joined a Facebook group called, "I'd like a to punch the Five-Hour Energy guy in his smug face."

—

They keep saying it might be broken. Oh, yes, I'm SO SURE. They're TOTALLY not doing this for effect. AshLee says, "If the girl that knows what she's doing is getting injured, what about the rest of us?" Well, the rest of you should probably be wearing chin guards, but that would make you less pretty so the producers decided not to do that. There's a price for beauty, ladies!

Sarah confessionals, "This is crazy…it's not worth the risk of almost getting hurt." I mean, damn, do you know the consequences of something bad almost happening? Well, OK, they're the same as if it didn't happen, but still.

Amanda is driven to the hospital by a PA, holding a cold pack on her chin.

Yup, that's exactly what happens when you break your jaw.

Sean wusses out and tells the girls they should just free-skate. Yah, you didn't think roller derby was a real sport, did you, producers? Now you're like, shit, this is like we've asked them all to learn ski-jumping in an afternoon. Someone's going to get their face mashed in and we're going to get our asses sued off.

So they skate around in circles. Then they get dressed for dinner. Sean leads them like a bunch of ducklings.

"Yah, dis my harem."

 They go to dinner somewhere. Not sure where?

Sean says he thinks "the girls weren't prepared for the physicality of roller derby." Geez, Sean, way to be passive-agressive. Hey, why don't you go race motorcycles? Oh, wait, because it's dangerous as hell if you haven't practiced.

—

Ad for Carnival Cruises. Ever notice how much it SUCKS to go to the beach? Ugh. Stupid sand castles. Why not stuff your fucking fat face on a plague ship? Multiple-resistant staph infection awaits!

Embassy Suites ad with the guy who looks like Kaiser Söze who likes more of everything.

—

Sean asks Sarah for some individual time. He talks more about her being one-armed. But now she's making out like a bandit.

Bitch-nose confessionals she hates group dates, and wants the date rose. Wha? Everything she says is so original.

Amanda shows back up. I guess her jaw was not broken, you guys! Phew, I was really scared. Amanda admits she wasn't hurt too badly but loves the "sympathy card. I play dirty. I will milk the heck out of this." No way! Isn't that going to interfere with her making friends? Wait… is she not here to make friends?

MEANWHILE, back at the mansion, a date card arrives. Desiree reads it.

"Leslie H. [Poker Dealer]: Could this be forever?" (a) No, it can't, and (b) they're going to get frozen in a time capsule together?

The date card came with a pair of earrings. Looking at the above picture, I'm not sure where Desiree had them stashed? Leslie H. says, "This is like Pretty Woman!" Because it's always been her dream to be a whore. And now, through the magic of television, it's come true.

Back on the date, Tierra (hatchet-face) throws a mini shit-fit because Robyn (the cool one) doesn't mention her being on one of the teams. Tierra's got issues like magazines used to before they were all destroyed by the web. Tierra voiceover: "It's just so FUSTRATING for me," because English is a language that takes years to master. Longer if you've taken a hatchet-blow to your face.

Poor Sarah has been assigned to talk to Tierra so we can listen to some more crazy. Tierra says, she's "bout to walk out of here," because it's 2013 and nobody has ever threatened to rage-quit before.

AshLee sits down next to Tierra (oh god these names, they hurt me—were their moms like, "I sure hope my little girl grows up to be a stripper!"), and Tierra says she doesn't trust anyone and stomps off. She goes to a nearby PA: "Can I leave? I don't want to be here."

See, maybe if you hadn't been a huge bitch to all the other girls, you wouldn't be so unhappy. We've come to the crux of the problem with the whole, "I'm only here to win!" thing, which is that fundamentally we're social creatures and we need the acceptance of those around us. Obviously she's not going to get Sean if she leaves, so her whole strategy is clearly bankrupt. Yet it happens year after year: "I'm not here to make friends!" Maybe you should be? Those last forever. Bachelor relationships last months, maybe.

She stomps off to find Sean. You can't have a good rage-quit unless you tell everyone how you're about to quit and give them a chance to beg you to stay. "Where's Sean?"

Cut to:

Sean's sharing his saliva with another lucky gal? I mean, who knows if this is really what was happening that moment, but it's a good image.

Tierra tells a producer (on her way to Sean?) "I deserve so much more than this…Why should I be tortured every day and be uneasy? Why?" I don't know where to start with her. It's like the hatchet she took to her face knocked all the empathy out of her. If you're nothing but mean to people and you can't figure out why they're not nicer to you, it may be time to invest in a lot of therapy instead of being on reality TV.

Cut to: All the remaining girls talking about how psycho Tierra is. They'll miss having a common enemy when she's gone.

Cut to: Tierra saying how fake everyone is. No, I don't think they're fake, they just hate you. That's real.

Cut to: The gal Sean is with (the substitute teacher?) asking if he wants to go hot tubbing. I can tell you from experience that hot tubbing is often a gateway to touching boobies.

Then: in the biggest set-up ever, they have Tierra waiting in Sean's path to the hot tub with his gal (Tierra is in the dark area to the right of the screenshot). I mean, seriously, we're supposed to believe Tierra just figured out where he'd go, and the cameras just happened to be set up perfectly there? Nah. I don't think so.

Tierra calls Sean and takes him off to cry at him. This is WAY better than making out in a hot tub. Oh yes. Tierra explains how she's a delicate flower and this is too hard for her.

Sean plays it cool. He tells her if she hasn't had "that moment" where she knows she wants him, then of course she should leave. Snap! He's turned it around. Now it's on her to ask to stay. She's smiling now, and explains she just wants time with him. He gets up and says, "I'll be right back."

Oh christ dammit he's going to give the date rose. You know what happens when you reward people for threatening to rage-quit? You get more of that shit. You're digging your own damn grave here, Sean. Tierra waits for him and smirks, knowing her gambit has worked.

Sean grabs the rose from in front of all the other women and they're all shocked. He confessionals that he really likes Tierra. Ugh. Christ god men are stupid. He offers her the rose, she accepts. I want to die.

—

With the Galaxy Note 2, you can do two things at once! I don't even know what that means. Like, it has two screens? I don't have that many hands.

—

Next morning. Let's try to blot out the memory of last night's date, the way we would if we'd done something so shameful and horrible that there could not be any forgiveness, and all we could do was pretend that it never happened and by doing so we'd forget it.

It's Poker Leslie's date day. She loves her earrings! "I've never gotten jewelry from a boyfriend." Yes, and you still haven't, really. "Like, who gets diamond earrings on their first date?" Exactly. Nobody, because it's crazy, which shouldn't be a cause for celebration.

Sean arrives, they leave in an Aston Martin. Same one as last season? Who knows; I'm too lazy to research it. Pretty cars, but for the money their performance isn't really that great. They drive off and we hear her say, "Holy moly Batman" for the second time (unless they're just playing the same sound clip again).

Oh, he's taking her on a dream shopping date. Sean confessionals, "Every woman talks about the movie Pretty Woman." Every woman? Really? It's funny because I think I've dated almost zero women who fantasize about being an actual whore with a rich daddy to buy clothes for them. I guess I'm just meeting all the wrong girls, dammit.

I admire how the producers can't just have a date where they rip off Pretty Woman, but both Sean and Leslie must separately mention the movie. Because, you know, we wouldn't get it if he just took her in a fancy sports car (note: original car was a Lotus) to Rodeo Drive and closed shops to buy her clothes. It's not fun unless she's a whore.

She goes shopping. We see lots of dresses.

Squee! This is every girl's fantasy!

Sean likes this dress. Leslie wiggles and says, "Winner winner chicken dinner." I'm not making that up. I can't decide if she's lovably goofy or just really annoying. It's like when I first saw Zooey Deschanel (who ended up being annoying).

She gets a purse and shoes, too! She's so happy, she mentions Pretty Woman again. Hello! She. Was. A. Whore. Am I the only person who remembers this? Whore. You're happy to be in the part of the whore. Come on. Aim a little higher. Couldn't you dream of being a stripper? Maybe even a Hooter's waitress?

Now they are at a jeweler's. Sean puts a necklace on her with over a hundred carats of diamonds on it. They're trying to make us think he's buying it for her, and they're not just lending it to her, because we're stupid and we want to buy into this fantasy of someone sweeping us off our feet and taking care of us like we're little girls.

Leslie confessionals that Sean could be her husband, because he's everything she could ever wish for. Ring! Ring! Oh, hey, it's the clue phone, let me get that. What? What's that? Oh, Sean doesn't actually own an Aston Martin? He can't afford to buy gals diamond earrings on the first date? Or even afford that dress, much less that ridiculous necklace? So, pretty much everything you like about him is a farce? Huh.

—

Dinner. Sean confessionals, "This whole date has been set up to enhance the romance!" Uh, yah, Sean. I think that's implicit in the concept of a "date."

They talk. She seems pretty nice. More lovably goofy than annoying, I think. Sean's sincere, as always.

Sean voiceovers that he just doesn't feel the connection with her. Oops! Boot!

Back at the ho-tel the hoes are telling each other what they think Sean's doing on the date. All producer-fed lines. "They're obviously doing a Pretty Woman thing." Did Pretty Woman just come out on Blu-ray or something? I can't help but notice that Pretty Woman is from Touchstone—a division of Disney, just as ABC Television is. Hrm.

Back on the date, Sean is holding the rose and explaining to Leslie the romantic connection never clicked. It's like Irving Mills always said, it don't mean dick if it ain't got that click.

Leslie of course feels horrible and awkward. He walks her to the limo and she warns him that some of the girls who have roses "are not here for the right reasons." Hrm. Hard to decode that message. Let's see, exactly two girls have roses so far: Selma and Tierra. Who could she be talking about? We'll probably never know.

Seriously, how much hate must Tierra have engendered for a gal on her way out to essentially say, "By the way: Tierra is a huge bitch, byeeee."

Sean walks back into the strange building where they were eating. He's sad he couldn't find the romance. "Vin Taylor was going to sing for us." Oh, man, we've missed out on one of the music numbers from someone we've never heard of! Wait, no, Vin goes ahead and plays for… nobody? For just Sean? This must be a high point in his career.

We see him drop the rose on the ground, with its petals dramatically falling off.

Such sorrow, to be dating only 14 or so chicks.

—

Carnival Cruise Lines ad featuring fat old people. Points for honesty?

—

Rose night. One of the girls says, "You can definitely sense that there are less girls in the room tonight." Man, those are some keen powers of observation. Also: fewer.

Sean comes in hey ladies blah blah you're all cute I cut Leslie's ass and "there may come a point where you question decisions I make." I don't know what he's getting at—I don't think any of the girls are upset that he cut one of them.

Sean and AshLee alone time. He gives her some Sean Tongue™.

Sean and Robyn time. Surprisingly, he slips her a little tongue. Oh yah.

Desiree is telling the other girls how she wants to throw Tierra under the bus. As much as I'd like to see Tierra crushed by a bus, don't do it! Remember Kacie B!

Tierra is complaining to Amanda (the other heavy) about how Robyn attacked her "for no reason" on the group date night. There's no part of that statement that represents reality: she wasn't attacked and there was reason.

Tierra actually says, "I'm not going to let anyone bash a hammer over my head."

OK, I don't want to be mean (yes I do) but she already has a huge scar on her forehead. Check the above screenshot. So, at some point, yes she did.

Tierra flounces into the room occupied by the main girl gaggle: "Robyn, Jackie, can I talk to you for a minute?" This will end well. She nonpologizes to Robyn, with the I'm-sorry-I-got-upset-when-you-attacked-me approach plus "I've never not liked you, and kind of your bad for assuming." She's a bridge-builder!

She tells them she's focusing on herself, and she wants everyone to do that. Yes, selfishness is the key!

—

Girls meet outside. They're talking about Tierra, of course.

Tierra gets alone time with Sean. She tells him how hard it's been since the last date. But she doesn't want him to think she's a "drama-setter"(?) because she "hates drama." Clearly, yes. "But for some reason girls have a hard time accepting me for who I am." Beep beep beep warning warning warning.

Catherine (from Seattle!) gets alone time with Sean. She gives him a piece of paper with her lip prints on it. And he takes it from up her dress. No, I'm not making this up. I'm just reporting. She's a forward woman, OK? She tells him, "I'm so attracted to you." Ah, yes, that would explain giving a man your lip-prints. Indeed.

He gives her some tongue.

Chris tinks his glass. Rose time!

—

Tierra and Selma are safe. Nine roses to hand out. Here's Sean! He says words. There were highs and lows this week! These feelings are so real! Blah blah blippity blah.

Catherine! She's forward but pretty dang sweet. "I like you," I think she says?

Dez. Still has a pet name for her. Good sign. "Of course."

Daniella the casting couch lady goes full McKayla Maroney,

"Lindsay." The substitute teacher who got totally cock-blocked at the Battle of Hot Tub. "Of course."

"Leslie." The smoking-hot nerd hater.

We haven't heard much from her this week, but all she has to do is sit back and be sexy and let the crazies flame out. "I will—thank you so much."

"Robyn." We like her. "I will, thanks."

"AshLee." The foster child. Will he douse or fan the flames of her love? "I will, thank you."

"Sarah." She's gives him a disarming smile. Have I used that one? "Yes."

"Jackie." Redhead we've never heard of or seen. "Yes."

Chris tells us that the number of roses remaining is one.

"Daniella." Sean stumbles saying it. "Ohmygod" she says, so relieved. I can't even hear what she says to him.

Chris tells the losers to say goodbyes. Amanda the 26-year-old fit model strides up and gives Sean her biggest, craziest smile. She confessionals she feels bad and stuff.

Sean toasts his remaining harem.

—

The outtakes this week are Sean on his first date trying to get the Jeep™ to burn out and stalling it six times in a row. Selma finally notices he's left his brakes on. How long has he been driving?

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor: Season 17, Week 3

Previously on The Bachelor: Sean Lowe "met 25 stunning bachelorettes…and one familiar face." Ouch, what a diss on Kacie B. Anyhow, we skip skip skip the reviews and previews. Wait, whoops, I'm watching week 2 again, not 3. Well, I skip this part regardless.

At this point I'd like to say that a friend of mine is, right this moment, attending a second night of inaugural balls with President Obama. And I'm at home watching The Bachelor on Hulu. Oh: but also my cats are meowing at me a lot. So there's that.

We open with: Sean Titties! Again!

Yay, this is much better than meeting the POTUS.

Chris Harrison recites the same week 3 speech he always gives to the women: "Use your time wisely. When you see him, make it the best." I think that's secret code for, "Give us some kisses or the show is boring." He flips down the date card and goes back to his hotel for the week.

Leslie H. the poker dealer confessionals that's she'd LOVE a one-on-one date. Bwaaah? That's so unexpected. I wonder if they film all these cutaways before the season even starts. "Ok, we need some of you gals to say, 'I would love a date with Sean.' All right, now we need a few of 'I'm starting to feel real feelings, and I'm realizing he's dating twenty other women!' Don't worry about the number, we'll dub it in later, our sound editing is totally awesome."

Robyn says, "I want the date card to say, 'Robyn…let's ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real." We like Robyn.

Date card says, "Leslie M. [hot nerd-hater] how long will this love last?" Duh. We all know the answer is, "Until the cameras are shut off." She dresses up for the date:

Can I just say I hate this style? That lace crap?  It's like you're wearing camo--I can't see the curves of your body at all in that. C'mon Leslie. Step it up. It's week 3, make every moment count. (Also, notably, once a gal came and visited me and wore a dress like this to dinner and I wasn't really fond of it and told her and HOLY COW was I ever in trouble for the rest of the week. She was all, "Well, I don't like YOUR SHOES," and I'm all, "These are really nice Italian shoes!" and she's all, "Whatever!" and then she told me about how her ex-boyfriend had the hugest penis ever and also I didn't get any kisses. But we already know Leslie won't be kissing me since I'M A HUGE NERD so: YOUR DRESS IS UGLY HAH HAH.)

Sean confessionals that he's taking Leslie someplace cool, but the date's going to start out seeming crummy, and he's interested in seeing her reaction. Oh, man, that gag is so awesome! We should do that every fucking show!

So he takes her to the Guinness World Records place in Hollywood. It looks like a dump. She confessionals she's disappointed. I'm surprised the Guinness folks let their place be used as the shitty decoy. I'd love to see how the producers negotiated that one.

Sean shows her that his dad has a Guinness record for driving across the contiguous US states in 97 hours. Wow. That, plus now he's on The Bachelor. It's like we have American royalty. 

Now they're going to attempt to set the record for "longest on-screen kiss." She actually turns bright red under her orange tan.

Bless her heart. (Usually when a gal pulls her hair back and opens her mouth like this it means something else.)

—

Ad for discovering America on speedboats, except Hulu has some bug right now where my ads often get truncated and we jump back into the program. Which is A-OK with me.

—

OK, let's skip most of this; it is going to be stupid. They have to kiss for 3 minutes, 16 seconds. Big whoop. I know a gal who once gave a dude a 30-minute blow job. That impresses me. Where's her world record? Also, where's her Nobel prize? Because we should be rewarding that shit.

Oh, damn, they have to air the entire thing or it doesn't count, I guess. It'd be kind of awesome if they decided to just blow out the record and go 10 minutes. Anyhow, they kiss for a long time, in public.

—

Ad for Larry King, putting on lime-green suspenders. I don't get it.

—

Night. They're on the roof of some building, but who knows which one.

Leslie says she was "kind of a nerd" in high school. Oh, I see, she's a self-hating nerd. "I took AP classes." Wow, that's super-nerdy!

They kiss. Man, I sure love to watch slurpy tongue kissing.

You know this is being recorded, right, Sean? I mean, the girl you end up with is going to see this. He also said to her earlier, "You're the only girl I want to set records with." Yah, that's going to lead to some nookie-less nights, buddy. (Try insulting her dress next!)

Back at the mansion, a date card arrives!

I don't remember who this gal is but she looks like Rebecca Gayheart and I'm OK with that. Is it the orphan? AshLee?

Selma confessionals, "I absolutely want a one-on-one date with him." No fucking shit. Seriously? You're not kidding? Damn. I had no clue!

"Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Tieran, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie, Tierra: Who's going to win my heart?" I hope this means it's decided by gladiator fights.

Back with Leslie on the date, Sean gives Leslie the rose. I typed that before it happened, but come on. I think we all knew ahead of time. He's still saying blah blah fast feelings connect with someone quickly couldn't have asked for a better day and jesus FINALLY he's giving it to her. (The rose, pervert.)

"I got a rose. It's the best feeling ever." Wow. I have a new invention for you, Leslie: it's called 'rose bushes.' Google them, if that's not too nerdy for you.

Really, though, if being one of 20 gals a dude is dating is the best feeling you've ever had, I sincerely hope the rest of your life is better than the first part.

Somebody dumps confetti on them from on top of the sign. Classy romance!

  Coming up: Bikinis!

—

Ad for Chicago Hope on Hulu. Never watched it, won't start. Ad for Criterion collection, in black and white. I know I'm a movie heathen because I've seen exactly none of these films and have exactly no interest in correcting that.

—

Sean's waiting on a beech for his beeches. I don't want to jinx it, but I bet he's gonna take his shirt off!

The girls strip down. They beg Sean to take his shirt off. NOWAI!

YARLY!

Chris Harrison shows up.  The girls will be broken into two teams and play volleyball to finish the date with Sean! And the losing team will ALL BE GOING HOME! Oh, burn. Suddenly we're in Glengarry Glen Ross.

Man, I hope Sean stocked this date with his b-list gals, because it's up to chance who's going home. (Also, here's an advantage to having one arm: you don't have to play beach volleyball to stay on the show.)

Volleyball…more volleyball…what can you say about volleyball? These gals are really bad at it. It would have been neat if they'd licensed some music and made a montage.

Lindsay the substitute teacher says, "I not only want more time with Sean, I need more time with Sean." She's taking the abuse-of-'literally' thing to a whole new level, baby.

One team loses. It's stocked with gals I don't recall ever seeing, so I think he did OK. Man, he'd be super-sad if he lost Kacie and Amanda (hot-tub gal).

Losers' parade. Danielle the "commercial casting associate" (snicker) says, "It's fusstrating" in a way that frustrates me. She makes the sad-girl duckface:

Leslie H. the poker dealer cries in the cab home. "I'm scared I'm going to go home without him actually getting to know me." Normally when people say they're scared of something it's not something that's actually happening to them right that moment, but whatever. She also makes the sad-girl duckface:

Duckface: it's good for what ails ya.

It's telling we don't even get good-bye confessionals from the four other gals—we wouldn't even know who they are. I feel like this game must have been rigged, because he just shed a ton of deadweight and lost none of the girls he likes, and he did it without looking like a bad guy at all.

—

Sean's taking the winning girls to his house—they're filming the first part of this season in Dallas. Apparently he lives in a mansion? Damn.

Desiree confessionals, "The other team is probably crying in their beds at home," and, seriously, being ungracious in victory is not attractive:

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the losers arrive. OH! They're not going HOME home, they're just going back to the mansion. Well, geez. You could have been clearer about that. Daniella again mentions she's 'fustrated' and I'm wondering if she lost her 'R's in the cracks of her casting couch. That's always where shit ends up, amiright?

She also replays her duckface for us all, this time with a twist.

McKayla Maroney she is not.

Two of the girls are crying. Someone call the waaambulance.

MEANWHILE, the meanwhiles are getting bigger back at Sean's house. None of the girls have commented on the fact that he appears to live in a mansion. I'd think it'd be polite. Like, "Damn, nice house, Sean. What the fuck do you do for a living?"

He's spending time with Lindsay the substitute teacher and she speaks like she has an IQ of maybe 90. Well, 85. Short words, simple sentences. Huge turn-off.

I mean, for me. But Sean likes sticking his tongue down women's throats.

Alone time with Amanda. She has strange front teeth:

WTF? Those are really low. She's like a beaver. "I think differently, than a lot of people? I don't just think on the surface…and I enjoy life, I enjoy the beauty of life, and…that's why I'm happy ever day!" I feel guilty for having been attracted to her last show. I blame bikini!

She kisses him.

Watch out she doesn't accidentally bite your tongue off!

At the maison des femmes. Date-card doorbell. Hatchet-face runs for the door. "AshLee… and Sarah!" A face-off, this early? No, she's kidding, it's just AshLee. Hah! "Do you believe in magic?" Oh, god, I hate theme dates so much. Are they going to the Magic Castle in LA? Haven't they done that? No, I guess it was Top Chef that did that.

Sarah (the one armed bland-it) is all pissed off that Hatchet-face messed with her. "Wait, that was like, not cool." Give her credit for wearing her heart on her sleeve! "Don't ever read my name on a date card as a joke!" Those things are sacrosanct! And thus they continue to make Hatchet-face the villain.

MEANwhile, back on the date, Desiree asks the assembled gals, "So, what are you guys hoping for the night?" in a totally not-planted line that people on group dates would naturally ask each other. They catch the other villain mid-chew, so we can hate on her, too:

Hah, hah! Look at her…all chewing, like a big chewy chewer! Gah, we hate her so much, with her chew-face. Finally she swallows and says, "I hope I get that rose." Amanda asks, "And what are you going to do to get it," and Chewy responds, "Whatever it takes."

Oh man! It's like she's got her own personal screenwriter! Do you think she just came up with that, on the fly?

Oh, Chewy is Amanda the Fit Model. You're fit but my gosh don't you know it. She passive-aggressively comments that she thinks a lot of girls have a stronger connection to Sean than they actually do. Not sure how she'd know that, but whatever. She has her time with Sean and tells him what a great wife she'd make (that's not creepy, but whatever). Amanda is supposed to be overhearing them and she passive aggressively comments that "some girls" are different when they're with Sean than when they're with a bunch of other girls competing for his affection.

No shit?

They show Amanda the Fit Chewer talking to the women saying how happy she is with how she presented herself to Sean and how she's looking forward to getting a rose. Why would you tell the other women this? This woman is really out there.

Kacie sees this and wonders (for the camera) if she should tell Sean about the Amanda / Chewfit fighting, because he probably would find it unattractive. Yes, Kacie, BEING THE TATTLETALE ON THESE SHOWS ALWAYS WORKS. (PS: It never works.)

Kacie tells Sean, "I feel like I've been punched in the face…  I don't feel like it's my place [but I'm going to say it anyhow]… I've been caught between a rock and a hard spot." OH MY GOD STOP WITH THE "I FEEL" SENTENCES KACIE FOR GOD'S SAKE.

"It's between two girls…and…it's between Desiree and Amanda." Either she's the worst storyteller in the world or this is the worst editing in the world. She tells him that, like, Desiree is her friend, but she doesn't like Amanda, and Desiree has confided in her, "but yet I don't want there to be, there was just different dynamics between the two and I didn't understand it at all. And I can't be myself." Kacie is giving like the lamest tattle-tale ever. 

Sean looks genuinely uncomfortable. "Um…why are you saying something to me?" SCORE! YES! THANK YOU.

Kacie's look could be described as "nonplussed:"

Sean: "Both of them seem fine, and neither has said anything to me about it." Kacie: "And I don't want to be the person who does!" Hmmm. See, evidence has recently come to light that casts doubt on your testimony.

Man, this is not going well for her. OK, potential bachelorettes reading this, what have we learned? DO NOT BE THE SNITCH. Just let the other girls get distracted by fighting, while you're having fun with the man. Kacie, you should know this! This isn't your first hodeo.

Also, is she wearing a yellow plastic bag around her wrist?

Is she taking her dog for a walk while she's on this date? That's optimizing your time!

Sean keeps making "um" and "uh" noises. Finally: "Why are you involving yourself?" Smack. "I want you to act like Kacie. Not like this crazy person that I'm seeing." Double-smack!

Kacie confessionals, "My plan just doesn't seem to be panning out the way I thought it would." No, no, it's going great! "You're a crazy person" is the final step before getting that ring, sister!

Kacie doesn't get a kiss. He walks her back.

Sean grabs the rose and natters on about "seeing other sides" of the women, which we know is code for "your asses in bikinis." Finally: "Lindsay, will you accept this rose."

Ooop! Where's Lindsay! She's disappeared! I can't see her! Oh, there she is! There's Lindsay! Yes she is!

Kacie confessionals that she looks like a crazy person. I think she's REALLY drunk, is the problem . Maybe that yellow plastic bag is an anti-drink ticket? The producers are like, "Whoa, we're getting into liability issues here if we keep pouring alcohol into this one."

She starts bawling, and then gets up to leave her confessional: "I'm not supposed to cry this early." Oh, man, I don't even know what to do with that one.

—

Walgreens ad. I like Walgreens — they're open a lot and sometimes the pharmacists are really nice. But I fucking hate the guy who does these voiceovers. It's the guy who was the DJ on Northern Exposure and he was, like, the original proto-hipster who brought all that back and I hate him so much.

—

Morning, KayLee's day. She's looks great when they do full-length shot, but up close she's kind of a Monet:

Her voiceover is all about her being adopted because on this show you get only one personality feature and hers is "adopted." (Actually, if I recall it was "orphan" more than "adopted," but I don't want to start THOSE waterworks.)

She says, "Nothing will and can go wrong today," and that cues an external shot where we hear someone falling down the stairs of the mansion. Then we see this person lying on the stairs in what I'm sure isn't a posed shot because that would be wrong.

I mean, most people who fall down stairs are instantly knocked unconscious, right?

Tierra took a big fall. I guess. She appears out of it. Sean appears and diagnoses her with a concussion, based on his years of medical practice the fact that he's had "several concussions" himself. Well, cue the waaambulence for real, then!

Wait, that's a firetruck. How is that going to get her to the hospital?

There are like a hundred responders taking care of her. Medical jargon. They're putting her on a stretcher, and she's all, "I am fine. I don't want to do this. No. This is stupid. I just want to be left alone" Hrm. Methinks the lady doth protest just the right amount.

The responder says they want to run her over to get an X-ray. She says very clearly, "I don't want to go there. It's not necessary. So let me out of here." This raises some interesting issues, because if she actually has a concussion her thinking is impaired, and she could cause serious damage to herself if she's not hospitalized, but does that imply that you should be able to forcibly hospitalize anyone over their objections?

A greasy-haired production assistant says, "Tierra, I really, I really, I really want to recommend that you go to the hospital."

Yah, no conflict of interest here, because he actually only cares about this being great TV, and doesn't give a shit what's good for her. See? No conflict!

They have women confessionalling that Tierra should have just listened to the men from the hospital, and then they switch to AshLee confessionalling that Tierra is "the boy who cried wolf." Wait, if she's crying wolf, why did the producer really, really, really want her to go to the hospital? Make up your mind, producers! Is she really injured, or is she faking it?

Let's analyze this. We have a long shot of Tierra being discovered lying artfully draped on the stairs, apparently unconscious. I mean, there's no way someone falls down stairs, lands like that, and then just hangs out in that exact pose without moving unless she's unconscious, right? If you were conscious, you'd instantly move your arms, your legs, lift your head…you'd see what's hurt.

So, either (a) she hit her head hard enough to knock her unconscious, and they absolutely should have taken her the hospital, or (b) the producers made her lay there because they missed the shot of her falling down the stairs and it's great TV, then they called the ambulance even though she just had a little boo-boo, and then they planted the notion that this was all her idea because she's an attention-whore.

We've known this show to be misogynist, but this is a new low. Is the crying-slow-clap a thing? Let's make it a thing.

Sean checks on Hatchet-face.

Related: I have the results of her latest ob-gyn exam. Sean hangs out groping her for a while while AshLee fumes inside. He's got his hand up touching her head which I think precludes a concussion.

—

Red Lobster has 30 shrimp for just $11.99! I'd totally go to Red Lobster if I could find one again. Just for the hush puppies. I haven't had a real hush puppy since I was 14.

—

Sean and AsHLEe are finally on the highway in a Jeep. She confessionals, "I'm definitely ready to move past Tiera's big fall," and spend some time talking about ADOPTION.

Ugh. Didn't I say I hate these dresses?

So ugly.

They're going to shut down Six Flags just for The Bachelor! I don't care! But this is also about charity! Because charity is close to his heart. So they're taking two girls with chronic illnesses on their date. This does not sound like my ideal date, but I guess I'm not such a humbug that I'm going to pick on the critically ill.

"Because we're doing something to help others, it thrills my heart," says AshLee. Ugh. We've gotten to the point where I've realized I wouldn't be caught dead dating any of the gals remaining on the show and we're only at week 3.

OK, the two sick girls are online friends who have never met in person, and it'd be hard to fake the sweetness of them actually meeting. But we're here to make fun of stuff, so I'm skipping ahead.

Skip…skip…riding rides…skip…I'm not going to make fun of sick kids…skip…win a giant stuffed animal…

Night time! Eating crap at the park. That's the only part of parks I liked, was eating crap. Also, video games.

But wait! Sean says, "To cap off the best day ever, we have a private concert by my favorite band, The Eli Young Band."

  Who?

—

AshLee and Sean are alone at last. AshLee confessionals: "I've been through a lot in my life, all of which I want him to know about." See, stop right there. No. This isn't the point of dating. It's not a race to see how quickly you can dump all your baggage on the other person.

She tells him, "I definitely want as many children as—my husband and I decide." Yes. I also want as many children as I decide to have! I think most people do.

She also wants to adopt! Especially older kids. Sean, too! AshLee says, "That's unexpected to hear out of your mouth," because she's secretly a robot from the planet Blorzark 12. "And that really just pulled at my heartstrings." Yes, I am feeling many of your human emotions right now.

AL: "Because I was adopted at 6, and…" oh boy here we go! "When I was in a foster home, I was abused by a family." S:"My gosh." AL:"Isn't that crazy."

AshLee: "Literally, if that's all I walk away with, how lucky am I?" Lucky enough to tell the story on your first date with every guy, I guess? I dunno, we're in an uncomfortable area, making fun of abused kids. Can we go back to Sarah-with-one-arm? I've prepared a ton of jokes for her. Like, if she tells Sean he should be careful with her heart, I can be all, "Well, Sean, forewarned is forearmed!"

S: "You have one of the most optimistic, positive outlooks of anyone I've met." Wait til he sees the footage of her fuming when Hatchet-face fell down the stairs.

She tells about meeting her current family when she was little and being bought off by her new dad and Sean starts crying and gives her a hug. Is a hug as good as a kiss? For me, the answer would be no. But Sean's really "sincere." He gives her the date rose.

ASHlee: "It felt good to finally tell somebody that I'm falling in love with about everything that I'm insecure about." I'm sorry, but I simply don't believe this is the first time you've told this story. Like, you told it during your pre-show interview? That we all saw? On national TV? "And…he had no issue with it." Well, tears issued from him.

Eli starts another song. I guess he's playing right behind them.

God, I'd find that super-awkward.

"So far, in this journey, I've already opened up to Sean more than I have to anyone in my life." OK, first: drink, because she said "opened up," and second off, REALLY? I mean, REALLY? You've opened up more on a first date with a dude at Six Flags that's being filmed by a huge crew than you have with anyone in your entire life? Jesus Christ is that sad.

He give her some Sean tongue. Bitches love Sean tongue!

—

Target ad. Fierce-looking woman striding in slow motion amongst exploding cake mixes, to music that wants to be "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" but they couldn't afford it. "Dominate that bake sale!" says the voiceover. No, really, it says that.

Yet another indicator that this show is maybe not aimed at single male software developers.

—

Rose ceremony night at the mansion. Catherine says, "It's all becoming more serious." Ooh. She switched "real" out for "serious." I dunno if we drink to that one? Better safe than sober, though.

While we're talking about Catherine, I found out two more of my Seattle friends are friends with her. And that Catherine watches this season's The Bachelor at a bar in Seattle, which I think is kind of awesome. I imagine her seated in front of the TV and exclaiming loudly, "Oh, man! Who's that girl? She seems familiar! Anyone recognize her? I feel like I know her."

Daniella (maybe?) the fluffer fluffs her hair and says, "I always feel like it's the calm before the storm." Do you…what does that even mean? I mean, it's a cliché, but what are you trying to say about this moment? Like, this night is anything but calm. And is giving out roses the storm?

Sean comes in and says shit about developing strong relationships and his heart is wide open. But open like what? Open like a child's mind?

Sean has a surprise for Sarah, because she didn't get any attention this week. He's excited for her to see it! A limo pulls up.

"Are you sending me home?" she asks. You gotta love the f'ed up power dynamic on this show. Every woman constantly afraid at every turn that the guy will unilaterally banish her.

She starts flipping out: "You can't do this! You can't do this to me!" But, it's just her dog.

Now, I would actually be super-pissed if someone flew my cats across the country without me knowing. I don't trust you to make travel arrangements for my cats. Did you give them seats or toss them in stowage? Did you tranquilize them? Did someone fly with them? See, those aren't your decisions to make, because they're my goddamn cats. I'd be MAD.

She cries. She confessionals she feels like a "hot mess." Can we all just stop saying that? I don't even know if it means you feel like a fresh pile of dog shit (it's hot and a mess), or if it means you're sexy but also messed up.

They show the dog chewing on a tennis ball and have added squeaky noises for comic value. Because in their world, tennis balls squeak. I'd like to go to Bachelor Wimbledon. "It's 20-love…here's the serve…SQUEAAKA! Back-court…SQUEE!"

Back inside, Sean asks Tiera for some time with her hatchet-face. Ugh. She asks him, "So, what do you think?" Ugh she's dumb. Seriously, what kind of question is that? So, do you like stuff?

Desiree steals Sean from her, and they start kissing. Hatchet-face is angry immediately and steals him back. I feel there need to be rules on this stealing or in a few seasons the gals will just be playing hot potato with the guy. Desiree is angry.

There's like a montage of girls stealing Sean, with Sean voiceovering that there's a different feel tonight. Desiree is complaining to another girl about it now. Memo to Desiree: you wrapped your legs around him in the hot tub. You're safe for this week.

Kacie finally gets time with Sean and apologizes for being crazytimes the other night. Then two girls show up and join them, including one with a rose. Now that's just rude.

Chris comes in to tink his glass. He doesn't even say anything. Sean says two lines. They're actually low on time!

—

Another ad cut off and skipped by Hulu. Thank you, bugs!

—

Chris: Leslie M, Lindsay, and Ashley are safe. Roses mean you stay. Here's Sean.

Sean: I might find the person that I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with.

He takes several super-deep breaths. I wasn't even looking at the screen because I was waiting for the first name, and I could hear "hhhhhhhhhhhhhhn, hhhhhhhhhhn, hhhhhhhn." So, drama.

"Actually, before I do this… Kacie can I talk to you?" Drama!

Lindsay recaps what JUST FUCKING HAPPENED for us. "All of a sudden Sean pulls Kacie out of the room immediately." WHAT? NO WAY! He did not! Are you sure?

He takes the rose with him. All the girls notice. He takes Kacie out front. I'm sure no lights are set up there, since this is a totally spontaneous moment, so the footage is going to look like crap.

"I admire you so much for leaving your life behind…and I have too much respect for you to make you stand through another rose ceremony when I think we're better off as friends."

I guess we know how much respect he has for the other bimbos then. Also, kind of cruel to take the rose with you when you're walking someone out early. "John, I have a special bequest for you here at your father's funeral…let's walk over into my private office, but first let me just grab this huge stack of $1,000 bills that's sitting here…OK, your dad told me he always hated you and you should pound rocks." [Pockets money, turns away whistling.]

Sean walks her five feet to where the limo is waiting.

Hmm. Do you suppose if the Bachelor asks to talk to you out front and you walk out there and there's a limo facing that direction with its lights on, you kind of know what's coming? Or was she like, "Oh boy! Are we going for a midnight ride! Whee!"

"Hey, wait a minute! You're not getting in the limo! And there's a cameraman in here with me!" Also, it's not even a limo, it's a hatchback thing.

Sean tells the assembled women how he was "just friends" with Kacie. "Kacie has gone home." God, the guys are so powerful in this show: "Susan…will no longer be with us. MUAH HAH HAH oh did I say that part aloud?"

Anyhow: roses!

"Tiera" Hatchet-face. He likes thick-legged women. "Yes."

"Lesley H." Poker dealer. "Absolutely, thank you."

"Catherine" Gal we all know. She's very quiet.

"Daniella" the porn star. "Thank you."

Pause. Girls are nervous. Plus really quiet tonight. They're all pretty subdued after Kacie was taken out front and shot.

"Robyn" we love her. "Yes! Thanksalutely."

"Selma" boobs. "Chu."

"Sarah" army of one. "Of course"

"Jackie" a redhead? looks like Jessica Rabbit? I dunno. "Yes"

 "Amanda" the fit model, public enemy #2. 

Chris comes in. "Ladies, Sean, this is the final rose tonight, when you're ready."

Desiree still doesn't have a rose and is furiously fluttering her eyelashes.

She's liable to lift off if she keeps it up.

"Dez" he has a pet name for her. Because SHE HAD HER LEGS WRAPPED AROUND HIM so duh he picked her. "Of course."

Chris explains how good-byes work. Sean hugs a bleach blonde who may or may not have been on the show before. Oh, Taryn the Health Club manager. You'd think dating a health club person would be something Sean could really take advantage of, since he's constantly working out topless. She says she might not be ready. Or sweet enough for him. Aww. This is pretty sad.

Kristy the former model is also sad. She breaks down on camera. Which makes a great cut to...

SEAN toasting all the remaining women!

—

So I found out that after the final ad break they show awesome out-takes this season! I went back and watched the first two. They're hilarious, I recommend them. Let's see what we have.

Oh, it's Sean and AshLEE and the girls at an olde-timey photo place in Six Flags, playing dress-up. Man, why'd they cut this, this stuff is totally hilari…zzzzzz

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor: Season 17, Week 2

"Previously on The Bachelor…" Two hours of crap, where we meet 26 women who are desperate to seduce Sean Lowe, steroid lover. Some of them got cut. "And tonight…" and they show clips until the TWO MINUTE TWENTY-FIVE SECOND MARK. That's a fuck-ton of previews for something we're about to watch. But it's a double-length show tonight, because why waste an hour watching idiots when you can waste two?

We start off with… Sean titties!

Seriously, nipples are the new helicopter on this show. Sean opines that he was blown away by all the hot ladies he met last week. "If I had to guess, I'd say my wife was in the room that night." I feel like he's summoning a spirit here. "Yes… I feel it now… your wife is in the room with us… she has a message for you, Sean… she's saying, 'Put… on… a… shirt…' Does that make any sense to you?"

Chris Harrison AGAIN tells the assembled ladies that Sean is "probably the most sincere Bachelor we've had on this show." That's the THIRD time in two episodes. Let's assume "sincere" is a code word like "special."

Chris is really dressing up for national TV here, I guess they must be paying him the big bucks.

I bet that's this best flannel.

Chris has the first date card. The women let out a collective whoop and clap like trained seals. I'd like to mention I'm drinking wine from a box tonight. It's really not bad. Chris drops the card and says, "Have a great week, I hope to see you all at the next rose ceremony." God his job is hard. I bet he spends the whole week going over his lines, again and again: "I have the first date card," "Sean, Ladies, this is the last rose," and "If you didn't get a rose, say your goodbyes and leave." Plus he has to dress up for TV!

One of the models goes for the date card. I assume she's a model, since there are like four models. I think this one is the ex-model? I'm also guessing her name is Ashley, since there were three of those. Oop, no, it's Kristy, and her job description just says "Model." That's no help. Is she a Fit model, Ex model, or something else?

Sarah (the gal with one arm) is getting a one-on-one date! Excitement!

I'd like to point out here that one of my friends watched the first episode of The Bachelor this week and texted me: "Oh, that girl really DOES have only one arm." Yes. I'm not kidding about that. It's a real thing.

Anyhow, Sarah manages to mention the one-arm thing twice in her short voiceover about how excited she is to see Sean. "Just because I have one arm doesn't mean we'll have less fun." Well, it might if you mention it with that same frequency, yes... "Hey, I really like you with my one arm. This helicopter ride is really fun although I can only hold on with one arm. I'm really enjoying this meal although you might notice I'm only eating with one arm because I only have one, see."

Kacie B. notes that a helicopter is coming to pick up Sarah… "Not a car, not any normal mode of transportation… a helicopter!" Uh, Kacie, you've been on this show, right? Helicopters outnumber cars like eighty to one.

Sarah flies off with Sean. Sarah's voiceover: "This is probably the biggest dream of my life come true, so far." That is really sad. You know you can rent helicopter rides, right? Look, here's a place in your hometown, Sarah. Yah, that's right, I just made your biggest dream come true again, through the internet. I'm just that good, baby.

"I might seem unapproachable to guys because I have one arm," Sarah confessionals. I'm starting to see the problem with this one arm thing, which is it seems to be the only topic of conversation. You don't see me mentioning my extra penis every other sentence, do you? No. I deal with my disability stoically, even though it means I can please two women at once.

"But my ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have." Ok, we believe you! You're 100% a totally normal woman who can't stop talking about her missing arm.

—

Ad for Dole fruit bowls. Because you're so damn lazy you can't simply peel some fresh fruit. You need it all sliced in a plastic cup, like a big baby. Hey, want me to just pour that in your mouth while you sit there on the couch, you fucking manatee?

Geico's gecko is on a nude beach again. This ad was funny the first time I watched it. Not so much the next 876 times.

—

Sean's confessionalling he approved of Sarah addressing "elephant in the room" the first night. An unfortunate metaphor for a woman who's missing her arm below the elbow, but I'm sure Sean didn't think of that. He actually seems pretty sweet. Real "sincere!"

Sean takes her to the edge of a skyscraper and tells her they have to free-fall off the building to get to the bottom, where booze awaits. I'm betting this isn't going to be as good as it is in my head. She says "oh my gosh" a LOT.

"We're standing on a very clear glass platform," Sarah tells us. It isn't merely slightly clear, like most glass. "oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh" Those are new ones, added to the ones before. She says that again, too.

Oh, they're liars—there's no way that was free-fall. They were being held back, they didn't even accelerate as they went down.

—

Ad for "The Thick of It" on Hulu, which looks pretty good.

Lincoln motors has a new philosophy, which seems pretty decent. I hope they're serious about actually reforming the company. It'd be great to have an actual innovative American motor company (besides Tesla).

—

Night time. Sarah is telling Sean a story about going zip lining… and GUESS WHAT? She wasn't allowed because she HAS ONE ARM. Yes, all of her stories will be involving one arm, thank you for asking.

And her Dad was there and told her that this just shows she needs a strong man, to put up with that kind of thing. Wat? Seriously? She just said that. She voiceovers about how Sean isn't judging her for being different. Because, of course.

Back at the womansion, date card arrives. Kristy (model), Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M., Daniella, Katherine, Robyn, Diana, Karen, and Tierra. 13 women, HOLY CRAP. That's not a group date, that's a small army. Oops, no pun intended, Sarah!

Tierra confessionals that she's not here to make friends. Really. She does. Everyone drink! I know I am.

MEANWHILE back with Sean and Saral (her 'h' is missing an arm, see?) Sean asks her what her last relationship was. I'm imagining her last relationship was with her arm, somehow. "I've only had one serious relationship." She's big on things that are singular, anyhow.

He gives Sarah the date rose, because she's totally charmed him.

They kiss. Aww. Sarah voiceovers "I always envisioned the perfect fairy-tale being like this." Yah… I don't want to ruin your moment, but if you think a date is like a fairy-tale you're not really getting to know the actual person. You're playing make-believe. In real life Sean doesn't own a helicopter. He doesn't jump off buildings, and he doesn't set up champagne toasts at the bottom of them. He doesn't have an entire day to spend paying attention to you, you, you. He has a job he has to go to. He comes home tense and wants a blowjob when you just want a back massage.

—

Carnival Cruises: Your relatives suck! Why not stuff your face all day in a tiny cabin on a giant polluting vessel that's licensed out of the Bahamas so they can dump all the crap they want in our oceans!

And Dole fruit bowls are packed in real fruit juice, so they're like an insulin shot in a cup! Why just flirt with insulin resistance when you can have full-on diabetes?

—

The next day the stampede of women is getting ready for their group date. (They're taking limos because there's no helicopter built to take that many women.) They pull up to a different mansion… because, the old one wasn't good enough? I dunno. 17 seasons, they're running out of date ideas.

Kacie B laughs, "This is my first group date of this season of the Bachelor" and I kind of love her.

Call me, Kacie!

The girls go inside the new mansion. It's all set up for a photo shoot… for Harlequin Romances. No, I'm not making this up. This show is really spelling out its target audience, now. I fully expect the next date to be a visit to a local cat shelter, and the one after that a visit to Weight Watchers and then Curves gym.

Kristy the model loses her shit. Sean takes his shirt off.

He's like Matthew McConaughey up in here. "Is it time to take my shirt off now?"

Tierra is badmouthing the other girls. "Kristy has extensions?" Robyn says Tierra drives her crazy. Drama! Tierra has a hatchet face but HUGE boobs. I guess Sean really does have a type. They show some scenes of Robyn dissing Tierra while the latter is in earshot, and Robyn saying Tierra is fake and two-faced. Oooh! Teirra is the villain this season! That was quick.

Leslie shows some tummy. Sean notices.

Sean says, "Leslie's made a big impression on me today. I'm kind of seeing another side." Yes, the front side. I love that Sean's so dumb sincere that he honestly doesn't understand why he's suddenly attracted to women with rocking bodies when they take half their clothes off. "Hmm, I feel strangely attracted to you for some reason. Did you cut your hair? Is that a new bracelet? I'm stumped."

The chemistry between them is palpable—she's getting the rose. Here's Tierra watching them:

I told you she had a hatchet face. You didn't believe me.

Kristy the model finally gets to go and grabs Sean and shows him how it's done. The girls all confessional that it's super-hot to watch, which seems pretty kinky for this show but, ok. Maybe she's getting the rose? I still like Leslie better even though she hates nerds. Or maybe because. It's true I only like women who don't like me.

Kristy gets the cover deal! Tierra says, "I don't want to play dress-up, I'm here for Sean." Tierra, sweetie, you've really got to stop watching this show. All your lines are from previous seasons. Maybe try talking about your arm some? I dunno.

Sean says he's exhausted, and they should all have a pool party.

—

Ad for Geico with Gallagher smashing watermelons. Again, this was funny the first time, but at this point I die a little inside every time I watch it again. Hulu really needs to get more ads.

—

Night time. The gals have all changed into dresses for a pool party(?).

Sean and Leslie are having one-on-one time. They don't have a lot to talk about. They both confessional they just wanted to kiss, but they're failing. Ah, beautiful people problems. He talks to other girls, then Leslie goes back to him to try to get the kiss she missed. Because his kiss is on her list of the best things in life.

She bends in to kiss him. Unfortunately they're in plain view of all the other girls. Daniella is doing a play-by-play for the camera while they do it. AWK-ward.

Kacie B's time! She confessionals that Sean's the only reason she's here. I guess I can see that. It'd be pretty dull if it were just 26 girls with no dude. Well, dull for her. I'd probably like it.

Kacie B tells Sean he's "very genuine and honest." That's like being sincere—take two drinks. I know I am.

He keeps saying he's having trouble thinking of her as a girl instead of a friend. That seems bad. Call me, Kacie!

—

Radio Shack ad where the salesman reads the customer's mind is cute, but, I mean, it's still Radio Shack. Can you imagine buying your phone there? It'd be like buying your car at McDonald's.

Discover card ad where the very Southern lady is both calling customer service and answering it, and she/they just shoot the shit until they both forget why she called. It's kind of charming but now I feel like if I call Discover they're going to waste my time chatting.

—

Catherine (my friend's friend) from Seattle tells Sean, "I'm vegan but I love the beef!" which is a euphemism for his muscles and/or penis. She's subtle!

Hmm. Based on what I know about Sean I'm guessing Catherine's a keeper. I couldn't exactly tell you why I think so, but it rhymes with "AooooOOOga!"

Selma's time. She tells Sean he's "genuine." Take a drink! Also, what the hell is with this guy? Does he have some magical cologne? Seriously, why does everyone who meets him suddenly trust him with their children and shit?

Selma's been wearing high-cut outfits all day and I suspect she's not getting the date rose. Also, doesn't she kind of look like that one gal on Desperate Housewives? The hot one?

Tierra is in the house stuffing her face like a lady.

Here's a good tip: don't eat on-camera! Nobody looks good eating on camera. Nobody.  Olivia Wilde could be eating strawberries in a tub filled with whipped cream and even that… well, shit, ok, that'd be pretty hot, but she's Olivia Wilde. Tierra, not so much.

Shots of the girls trying to involve Tierra in conversations and Tierra being grumpy. It's highly edited and clearly designed so Tierra looks like a bitch. Who knows what reality is. Although, the hatchet face isn't something the editors could fake. Hey, I have a Tierra joke: "Tierra walks into a bar and starts a fight, and the bartender says, 'Hey, isn't it time we bury the hatchet?'"

Daniella says she hopes Sean sees what a bitch Tierra really is. Because it ALWAYS works that way. The guy is NEVER blinded by the bitchy girl with big boobs every single time.

Tierra's time with Sean! He says he wants to comfort her because she seems bothered by the other women. Man, it always works to pout a bunch when the guy pays attention to other women and force him to apologize to you. Every. Single. Season.

Ahhh! She's disintegrating him with her hatchet face!

She pulls out the old, "I've never pursued a guy who 25 other girls are after!" Take a drink! He apologizes to her and asks her to stay. Take another drink! Also, I bet she'll get the damn rose for throwing a fit.

Back at the mansion, it's date card time! "Desiree… Love is priceless!"

They can't decode this clue. I'm assuming he wants to pay her for sex, duh.

Back on the group grope, Katie the hot introverted yoga instructor is uncomfortable with all the showboating hoes around her. I manage to grab a shot of her cussing to Kacie B:

  I like that they're bonding. It's good to see my gals getting along. But then Kacie confessionals that Katie should just leave if she's uncomfortable. Kacie! So mean.

We see Katie going someplace in her leather miniskirt.

Say goodbye to THESE, Michael!

Katie talks to Sean. She says "this is not the right setting for me." She's bowing out! Dammit, the ones I like always leave. The ones with "class" and "poise."

The girls are gathered to talk about Katie leaving. Predictable shit. Kacie gloats privately. I'm liking her less and less.

Now Sean's giving out the date rose. He's says, "One conversation stuck out for a number of reasons, it's not easy going through this…" and I paused it there because I swear he's going to give the rose to hatchet-face because she whined about the other women. That trick works EVERY FUCKING SEASON. 

"And it's certainly not easy going through it twice." OH man I was wrong! Yay, it's Kacie, except she's turned in to such a mercenary I'm not sure I'm on her side any more.

Hatchet face confessionals, "I wanted to punch her! I'm like: seriously?"

—

Next night: Sean shows up at the mansion. Chris is there waiting! And he's wearing a suit! Did he just get sober or something? Maybe he's going to apologize to Sean for the ways in which he wronged him by drinking?

Oh, wait, Sean says, "Tonight Ima have a little fun with Desiree, and I asked Chris Harrison if he'd help me set something up." Yup, I'm pretty sure that was the sequence of events, and no producers were involved at any point.

So, they're going to punk Desiree, by taking her to a fake art exhibit and then making her think she's destroyed a piece of art worth millions. Oh man! This seems like such a fun time! Ima do this on all my first dates. "Ha ha! I just punked you, bitch! Wanna make out?"

Lots of voiceover where Sean explains his wife has to have a sense of humor. And what better way to discover if she has a sense of humor than make her feel horrible about something on the first date! I skip ahead several minutes because listening to their crap explanation for humiliating this poor woman sickens me.

They introduce the phony artist, and Sean confessionals that he's starting to second-guess himself because Desiree is so sweet. Yah. Listen to that voice, Sean. "A big part of me feels really bad about doing this to Desiree." So… then… you're not going to do it?

Sean gets pulled away so he can watch her on a hidden camera:

"Chris… I feel sorry for this poor girl, man," he says as he smiles and shakes Chris' hand, taking a seat in front of the monitor. What the hell is wrong with them?

Desiree is left alone in a room with a crappy piece of art supposedly worth $1.5MM. It falls over and smashes. Sven the artist comes in and starts cussing at her. She has a kind of fear smile on her face the whole time. HA HA! That's comedy. Humiliation = love!

We cut to Sean saying how bad he feels. Oh, yes, clearly. He goes in and tells her they were actors. Wah waaah.

—

Little Caesar's has pizza for $5. Remember when you were so young that a $5 pizza seemed like a good thing? There was a time when you'd actually put food in your body that cost $5. And your biggest thought wasn't that you're ingesting like 2000 calories that taste like cardboard with cheez melted onto it, it was that it was only $5, man!

Dannon Oikos ad. Because you know Greek yogurt is supposed to be good, but you don't want to eat something that's, like, made by foreigners.

—

Desiree and Sean are back at "Sean's place." He's made her dinner! Aww!

Supposedly. Except, uh… he's taking that metal-handled pan out of the oven without a towel. Ever done that? You leave a layer of skin on the damn handle. So, the oven wasn't on. So the meal we're about to watch is staged.

Desiree looks like Rashida Jones and is perky as hell. I'm hoping she sticks around. She tells Sean she doesn't know much about him. He says his parents are very close, but I don't see them.

They actually talk and bond, unlike Sean and Leslie where they just stare at each other wanting to kiss. She seems simple enough for Sean to like her.

Suddenly: Desiree puts on a bikini.

Yah, damn right I took a screenshot. I'M FUCKING DUE, OK? It's been nothing but SEAN TITS since we started this damn season. I AM DUE.

I'm totally loving Desiree except she voiceovers, "Tonight is very import int," and I hate people who say it like that. Ugh. She's off my list.

They're in the hot tub blathering about love in marriage. Who cares? Wet boobs. He's really into her. I'm hoping he's smart enough to choo-choo-choose her.

He gives her the rose. Shot of them in the pool, with her legs wrapped around his torso. Uh… this is pretty intimate. Can we give them some time alone?

—

With Bank AmeriDeals™ we'll give you cash back whenever you use our card. Yes, we'll actually pay you to use the worst fucking bank in the world, which also happens to be the most evil! Sure, we have lousy service and fucked the whole country… but caaaaash! Caaaash money!

—

Back the mansion, gals are talking about the upcoming rose ceremony. Catherine says, "I don't know what else to say besides: this is becoming more real." Take a drink! Also, come on, Catherine. You've really got to try harder than that. Are you here to make friends? And for the right reasons?

Sean comes in. The girls all stand up and hoot, and I'm embarrassed for them. Sean voiceovers "I think I know___THE TWO WOMEN I'M SENDING HOME," in another bad sound-splice. We see Leslie the nerd-hater give him a look:

Oh yah, she's getting a rose.

Wait, he's only sending home TWO women? Christ, throw me a bone, here. There's still like a billion women left. Can't you cut like half of them?

Lindsay the substitute teacher / drunken wedding dress wearer has one-on-one time with Sean. She's nervous because, you know, she was drunk and was wearing a wedding dress. Still, I like her. I'm not really sure why?

Something. Earrings?

She says she needs to show him the other side of her. I'm assuming she's saying she wants to get nailed from behind.

They talk about family. BORING. Although, you know, she does seem nice. I don't hate her yet. That's saying a lot! Sean says, "Lindsay showed me another side, that I did not see the first night." Every time he says, "another side" I hear "her butt."

The do another horrible sound cut, as Sean says, "It's really taken me back because ### EVERYONE HAS THE QUALITIES I'M LOOKING FOR." Ouch. It's painful. Maybe he just naturally talks like Christopher Walken?

Can I just say, Kacie B's dress is tragic tonight.

Ouch. What were you thinking, girl? It looks like hamsters are fighting in there. Remember the first night when she was wearing the skin-tight black minidress with the immodesty panel in front? What happened?

Now they've decided they hate some gal called Amanda. I don't even remember her being on this show, but they cut together a scene to make it look like Amanda doesn't even respond when people call her name. Oh, please.

—

Jeep Grand Cherokee. Because fuck you, environment.

Different Discover ad where a dude is talking to himself as the customer support agent, which explores how awkward it would be to actually interact with yourself. This is a very cerebral ad.

—

Robyn confessionals that she's noticed the show is more "culturally diverse" and she's interested in what Sean's looking for and "how does race play into it? […] I'm not entirely sure Sean is attracted to… black females." (Robyn is black, as are a high number of the women on the show compared to every season I've seen.) I think it's pretty cool they're taking race head-on. We can talk about this now! Go Obama!

Robyn's got her time with Sean. She seems really smart. She's asking him about race. Sean loves it. He says, "They came to me, and they asked me, what kind of girls are you looking for?" Ah ha! Confirmed! And he obviously responded: "rocking body, and big cans if I can get 'em."

No, but really, he's dated hispanic, Persian (good taste!), and his last girlfriend was black. Ha! Told you.

Robyn's a cool chick.

Selma's getting her time with Sean. Another high-cut dress. Selma, Selma, Selma. What're you doing? You're killing me. We find out she speaks Arabic and Farsi, which explains why I think she's cute—I keep falling in love with women that are either Israeli or Persian. One day I'll have a threesome and it'll be like a peace summit in my bed.

Everybody is still ragging on Amanda. She does look out of it, but, Christ, can't they just leave a girl be? She's not hurting anyone. Catherine's got it in for her. And Leslie the poker dealer says Amanda, "may not be here for the right reasons." Drink! Oh, god, we're all going to die, aren't we?

Amanda gets her time with him, and her smile is super-annoying after she's been glum all night.

We cut to Desiree tearfully confessionalling that Amanda is "not here for the right reasons," and DON'T DRINK. For god's sake save your liver. We're drunk enough. Let's just get through this, ok?

Chris Harrison comes in, tinks a glass, and says it's time. Sean says goodbye.

—

Today on Larry King Now you can watch Larry's ears get larger in real time.

Bank of America has hired Kiefer Sutherland as their voice because if you can't trust the dude who tortures terrorists for America with your money, who can you trust?

—

Chris explains how rose ceremonies work. And here's Sean. He thanks the girls for their patience and understanding. It sounds like he's putting them on hold while he looks up their account. And we're off:

"Ashley." One of like three. I have no idea which. The orphan? "Yes I will."

"Lindsay." Schoolteacher / bridal gown gal with the boobs. "Absolutely." 

"Robyn." Smart race-conscious gal.  "Of course, thank you."

"Jackie." I dunno? Kind of reddish hair? "Absolutely."

Catherine looks nervous. Don't be, your friend already told me you made it this far.

"Leslie M." Nerd-hater. Her hair looks horrible tonight. "I will. Thank you so much! Appreciate this."

"Selma!" Even with her high-cut dress, Sean remembers. "Of course!"

Only 47 roses to go!

"Catherine!" See, told you. "Absolutely."

Kristy. What? You're selecting the tall hot model who rubbed herself against you? Bizarre! "Yes."

"Leslie H." The... poker dealer? "Absolutely."

"Tierra." Ugh, hatchet face. Gotta keep her, producers' pet bad girl. "Ash" is all I can make out.

"Terran." She's, like, a blonde woman? I don't remember seeing her. "Yaz" is what I hear.

Crazy mopey Amanda is looking nervous.

Daniella. The porn star casting manager thing. "Yes, I will."

"Ladies, Sean, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready."

Amanda's sweating. So is some other girl I don't recognize.

"Amanda" Always bet on crazy. They don't know which one will be the real villain yet, gotta keep 'em both.

Chris: "Ladies I'm sorry, if you did not receive a rose, take a moment, say your goodbyes."

Sean whispers something to Brooke on her way out. Brooke confessionals Sean's a great guy, but just not the guy for her. She's got class.

Sean tells Diana the salon owner he didn't feel right keeping her away from her girls if he didn't (pause) see something long term. Diana's sad she didn't have more time with him, to see where it could go. It's NOT GOING anywhere because he CUT YOU so he's NOT interested.

Sean toasts the remaining girls and Leslie stares him directly in the eyes the whole time.

She's hungry.

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor: Season 17, Please Kill Me Now

Oh boy! It's Bachelor season again.

"This season on the Bachelor…" begins the 80-second precap. Thrills! Spills! Crying! Catfights! Women not here for the right reasons! Women not here to make friends! [Actually I'm totally guessing on all this, since I never watch the precaps. It'll be boring enough when it happens, no need to spoil it for ourselves.]

Sean Lowe is 29 and loves his family and delicious steroids. Mmm, roids. He's humbled to be here. "A year ago I'm living a normal 9-to-5 life," he voiceovers:

Sure, that seems normal. I'm always, like, gardening my agaves in swim trunks. Because that's the safest way!

"I never would have dreamed I'd be in this position right now," he says, except, you know, statistically speaking it's pretty likely if you're rejected on The Bachelorette and you love steroids you're going to be The Bachelor. More shots of his tits.

And now he's working out shirtless. Apparently the producers have just given up on men watching this show.

He mentions his heartbreak with Emily. "Just thinking about those feelings makes this so much more real." You know what people in reality don't do? Comment how real the reality is. "Wow, this dinner… it feels so real, you know? Like, it's almost as if we're actually sitting here, eating pizza, like real people do. Wow."

Sean's remembering his relationship with Emily. Ah, reliving rejection on national TV. Man, I sure envy this dude. "I pictured myself growing old with someone else." Well, Emily did get old.

Rejection recapped. "The world stopped spinning for a moment, because it blindsided me so badly." The entire world blindsided him? Ouch! I'm calling an illegal hit: $21,000 fine against the world, and a 15-yard penalty. "Getting over Emily… it took a while" except we started shooting The Bachelor about a month after, so not that long.

"It helped me realize that God still has another plan for me." God's plan for you involves being a jackass on national TV? Truly, He works in mysterious ways.

Now he's playing with his nieces and talking about how great it'll be to have kids, because this whole show has become single-woman-with-multiple-cats porn.

"The thought of me being The Bachelor… it's slowly sinking in."

I'm assuming pretty much none of his thought processes are fast.

He wants to be with a great woman. "I wanna be that rock!" he says, standing next to a rock… and the visual metaphors have already started. Ouch.

—

Commercials. This episode of The Bachelor is brought to you by cats. "Cats: When God Hasn't Seen Fit to Provide You With a Man."

—

Oh My God, you guys! Arie from last season is coming to visit Sean. #2 and #3 rejects hanging out and having a beer, just like a couple bros who shared a chick once. "It's really good to see Arie. Arie and I both fell in love with the same girl" and had a little sword-fight in her mouth, if you know what I mean. Oral sex. That's what I'm getting at. NO HOMO, dude.

Sean's practicing saying, "Will you accept this rose," and it's the cheesiest skit they've ever done. I'm skipping this. Now they're practicing break-up techniques. This is massively sexist even for this show. "I can't use 'it's not you, it's me,' because it's obviously them." They laugh! Ha ha, dumb chicks.

Now Sean's asking Arie for kissing pointers. I'm not even kidding. I mean, I was making gay jokes earlier, but this is way gayer than I was suggesting. "When it comes to tongue… what are you doing?" I'm uncomfortable.

—

Ad break. This segment of The Bachelor has been sponsored by: Steroids. For when you don't want to be very interested in women. "Steroids: The Word Sterile is Right There in the Title, Idiot."

—

Sunset at the stud mansion. They fucking love agaves.

"Hi, I'm Chris Harrison. Happy new year, everybody!" Chris explains how sincere Sean is. Now let's meet the women "who have specifically signed up to become Mrs. Sean Lowe." Wow, they really have that contract air-tight these days. Hopefully they've added the "and don't fuck any producers along the way," clause.

Desiree is 26 and a bridal stylist. She's so perky it hurts my molars. Lots of shots of her trying on her own dresses longingly. Don't dip into your own merchandise! That's rule #1!

Tierra is 24 and lives in Denver. Man, these girls sure don't have stripper names! She's family-oriented. She loses her shit when she hears the Bachelor is Sean. "He is family-oriented and that's what I loved about him." She has a watch-word.

Robyn is half-black! She's very sophisticated and fun. Unfortunately, she's not lily-white, so she'll be let go the second episode.

Diana is from Salt Lake City. WARNING WARNING CRAZY ALERT. She owns a hair salon and has two children. I guess her ex is taking care of them?

Sarah is 26 and is a designer in advertising. She looks kind of like Cameron Diaz except she has one arm. Am I allowed to make fun of a gal with one arm? I feel like the producers are setting me up for failure here. She has good pans. Le Creuset. "I just think this show brings people together," which is, in fact, not at all what it does, historically speaking, but bless your generous heart.

Ashley is a hair stylist from Michigan. Another hair stylist. What, we ran out of dental hygienists? She can't understand why she doesn't have a boyfriend. She's pretty hot, I can't either. They show her reading "Fifty Shades of Grey." Eeeeeek. "I totally hope Sean rips my clothes off and spanks me." Ah ha! We've solved "The Mystery of the Trashy Ho," Holmes!

Leslie is 25 and is a political consultant and is a little cutie. She single because she's in DC and "I don't like the nerds and I don't like the politicians," aaaand she's lost me. On Sean: "He's like, the perfect bleach-blonde hottie," she says, honestly thinking that's a compliment.

Kristy is a former model and is damn sexy. Let's see if how long it takes for me to hate her. "Girls will be jealous of me. That's just how girls are." And there we go! Took her three sentences.

AshLee is a professional organizer. Yes, another Ashley, and yes, it's capitalized that way. Too easy, producers. You think me an amateur. "I'm adopted, I went through six different foster homes. I have a hard time figuring why." She starts crying. MAN this took a turn! Holy cats. I bet she pulls this story out ABOUT A HUNDRED TIMES during the show. It's like when Ricky the Racecar Driver and Love of My Life Died Because His Plane Never Landed but I Was Pregnant. Milk that shit all the way to being the next Bachelorette, AshLee.

—

Commercial. Tonight's Bachelor brought to you in part by: Desperation. A new fragrance from Dior, pour les femmes. "Desperation: It has a smell."

—

Nighttime. Bachelor Pad. Chris Harrison again. Sean pulls up in a limo. Music swells. Sean gets out. Happy music! "You… are the Bachelor!" Just a reminder. "All 25 signed up specifically to meet you!" Eeek.

First limo of chicks pulls up. The producers have mixed up a voiceover collage of women cooing about Sean, but it's overdone so it sounds like he's at one of those in-home candle-selling seminars that were popular 10 years ago and he's the candle.

HELLO! This seems promising. Let's see how long it is until I hate her. Oh, wait, that's AshLee again. If I were her Daddy I sure wouldn't put her up for adoption! Sorry, that's even creepier than usual.

Jackie the cosmetics salesperson gets out. She does her lips up all red and kisses him to "mark" him, because the producers LOVE LOVE LOVE the little skits. She won't last the show so we won't see a picture of her.

Selma appears.

For some reason I take an instant liking to her. Not sure. She's 29 and a real estate developer, maybe that's it? It's hard to know why we like some people, and not others.

She pulls a hanky out of her boobs, the way proper ladies and women who've been set up with skits do. She wipes the lipstick off him. She has a voice like a muppet, but somehow I'm willing to forgive her.

Leslie the sophisticated lady comes out. She has a big smile and is all up in him. "You're a hunk!" Again, she's not perfectly white, so I'm not optimistic about her going past the second episode. It'd be racist to cut her now, of course. Poor form.

Daniella the 24-year-old "commercial casting associate" appears and I think I saw that one on youporn? She's trying hard to be sexy but she's kind of annoying and overdone. She wants to do a special handshake with him. I dunno why. It falls so flat.

Another lim-ho! Kelly is a "cruise ship entertainer." What's it take to keep a cruise ship entertained? Diesel fuel, water, air… they're simple beasts. She wrote him a little song. She sings it "aghhhhh!" cappella.

Katie is a yoga instructor. She's going to show him a pose right now. Because, sing it with me: Everybody needs a skit, everybody needs a stupid hook. If we don't make a scene, we'll never get a second look.

Ashley P asks him "Have you read any good books lately… I read 'Fitty Shades of Grey.' Are you ready for this?"

She pulls a grey tie out of her boobs, because this show is all about objects hidden in boobs. "Maybe you can teach me how to use this later," she says, because "Ashley" rhymes with "classy." She's going home before the rose ceremony. Sean's actually speechless for a second, "I'm guessing… I know the symbolism behind this?" My god, Sherlock, once again your genius has cracked the mystery! This will be a great one for my journal! I'll call this, "The Case of the Very Obvious Come-on!"

Taryn is a health club manager. God, these names. She's 30. And she says she hasn't watched the past couple seasons and doesn't know him, which puts the lie to what Chris said earlier. Fucking liar.

Here comes Catherine! Notice she's from Seattle, where I'm from… in fact, a friend of mine went to school with her. In fact, it's the friend we tried to set up with the mushroom farmer on the last Bachelorette. Remember her?

Of course you do, how could you forget. I mean, dayam girl. Christ. 

Wait, where were we? Oh, right, Catherine. Pheh. She's wiggling her shoulders at Sean and says, "I'm really glad it's you! You're such a hunk." She's direct. I watched her profile on ABC.com (fucking shitty website) and the whole thing is like that. Sample quote: "He's all beefcake… and I'm hungry."

Robyn the oilfield account manager gets out of the limo and does backflips, literally. She gets nervous and falls over on the second one. STILL less cheesy than the songs or lipstick.

Lacey the 24-year-old stripper graduate student gets out of the limo with her fake blonde hair extensions and overstuffed boobs. She brought him a heart of lace, as a mnemonic device.

Wow, that's sure going to come in handy. I'm sure he'll treasure it neverways. "I hope you carry it in your pocket for the rest of the night so you don't forget me," she enunciates slowly like a five-year-old kid graduate student.

Paige is 25 and a Jumbotron Operator. Now they're just making shit up. She was on Bachelor Pad 3! Wow, it's like being around royalty.

Teirra is 24 and a lease consultant or something. I dunno. She's kind of a wide woman but pretty if you're into that. She showed him an open heart tattoo she has on her finger, because she's a nut. He pauses. "You know what… wait right here." He walks off. Oh, god, what fresh hell is this.

She confessionals, "I'm extremely nervous." I'm guessing he's going to give her the first impression rose.

—

Ads! The Bachelor's also sponsored by: tequila. "Tequila: Without it You'd Get No Summaries, Bitches."

—

We come back to Tierra waiting for Sean. They're playing it up for how stupid it is. Sean is talking to Chris, he'd "like to bend the rules a little bit" and give her a rose early. Chris says why not, because they're wild and crazy here on the Bachelor, and this isn't at all planned by the producers to add some intrigue to this show after 17 years of the same goddamn thing.

Sean gives her the rose because he's so crazy spontaneous! Wow, all bets are off now, folks. Except, you know, there has ALWAYS been a first impression rose, so it's really no different than other seasons. But, whatever.

I do actually think Sean took an instant shine to her, because remember Emily was kind of a wide woman, too. Sean likes 'em thick. (I'm not saying fat, here… just wide.)

"Tierra had this energy about her that's contagious. You can't really put your finger on it." Boobs? I'm guessing boobs?

The girls are kind of livid. Our friend Catherine says, "Tierra walks in with the rose and it was literally like an animal attack on the eyeballs." Ok, first off: a 'literal' animal attack? Second: An animal attack on the eyeballs? There's literally no part of her statement that makes sense.

Amanda is a 26-year-old "Fit Model." I don't know what that even is. Fitness model, yes. Fit model? Aren't most models pretty fit? Is she a model for "Fit" magazine? "Hi Sean, I'm Amanda." Amanda Hugginkiss? Because I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss.

Her skit is she wants to get the awkward pause they'll inevitably have out of the way now. She stares at him and smiles for 20 seconds. Did they draw straws in the limo for who gets what skit? Couldn't you have pulled something out of your boobs?

Keriann is 29 and an entrepreneur (a.k.a. unemployed) and can't spell her own goddamn name. She's she tells him she drove 2,775 miles for a shot with him, because guys FUCKING LOVE PRESSURE. I know I do! Back in the limo, unemployed pushy ho!

Music changes… I think the producers like this next gal. She seems pretty.

[Stupid fucking Hulu won't let me pause and take pictures like I always used to without it darkening the screen, that's why half these screenshots suck. Grr. Hulu.]

Desiree is the bridal stylist who tried on all those dresses and practiced throwing a bridal bouquet not at all in the manner of a crazy person. But she's cute! All these chicks are wearing backless dresses.

She brought pennies to throw in the fountain with him. Ugh. Could you at least have hid them in your cleavage? Throw me a bone.

ANOTHER fucking limo. Are we sick of this yet?

Sarah the one-armed ice queen gets out. She says hey. No skit. Brooke comes out. She's the third black woman! This is a record for this show. No skit for her, either. They clearly are realizing we're at the end of our collective patience for gals getting out of limos.

Diana the salon owner gets out. "Owner" is an upgrade from the plain old hairstylist, that's for sure. Diana looks like a young Erin Gray (mrowr), and at 31 I think she might be the oldest woman here. TOO OLD TO BEGIN THE TRAINING. She suggests they "call it a night and go, you and me." Yuks galore.

Lesley the bitchy political consultant who hates nerds and politicians gets out. Yah, you're on my shit-list, lady. She brought a football. "I was thinking we could run a little play." Ugh. She had him bend over so she could stare at his ass. Ugh ugh ugh.

ANOTHER FUCKING LIMO pulls up. Voiceover, "I'm going to pee my pants right now." To be fair, that could be from all the free champagne in there.

Tall party girl gets out. "Sean, did you invite these girls! Cuz I sure didn't." Ah ha ha! Kristy the model struts up. "I thought tonight was just about you and I." Ok, because you and I is after "about" it's not a subject complement, so she should have said "you and me." Also, I bet she hates nerds. NOT THAT I AM BITTER SHUT UP.

Ashley H. is a fashion model and YES motherfuckers we got three Ashleys in the house tonight. Ashley is ALSO dark-skinned so I'm throwing my assumptions about Sean's preferred races out the window, now. Like, if they're setting him up with four dark-skinned women, I think he expressed a preference. Good for you, Sean! I'm sick of  all the girls being bleach-blondes with fake boobs.

Lauren is a journalist. Also, a bleach-blonde with hair extensions who talks like an Italian Valley Girl. What a breath of fresh air!

Lindsay is a substitute teacher (a.k.a. unemployed) who gets out of the limo wearing a full wedding dress because that's not psycho nor would it have made more sense on the woman who actually works at a damn bridal salon.

She can't stop giggling and I'm assuming she got drunk off her ass because she's so horrified at the ridiculous stunt they're having her pull. "You may now kiss the bride," she says and kisses him. She is SO drunk. Oh man. Should be a night.

Chris comes up. THANK GOD. I've never been so happy to see Professor McSmarmsworth. Sean summarizes, "25 gorgeous women… I can't wait to get inside." Then he adds, "And talk a little more with them," which spoils it.

But wait, Chris has one more thing… "Actually, one more person. Somebody called, and said she specifically wanted to meet you here tonight. Here she is!" Limo drives up.

Let's pause her and remember we've already done past girlfriends butting in at the last moment (remember the undertaker girl with psycho-wine-maker Ben?) so if that's all this is, it isn't shocking. Also, Chris said earlier all the women had specifically wanted to meet Sean, so what the hell's so special about this?

WHO COULD IT BE? We see legs. Sean says, "No way!" It'll have to wait until after...

—

Commercial break! The Bachelor is proud to have Existential Sadness as a sponsor. "Existential Sadness: It's Why You're Watching TV Alone at 11PM."

—

We rewind the tape 30 seconds because the lead-up was so exciting it's worth watching twice. These looks like that stripper from Bachelor Pad and Ben's season's legs. But that lady's fake boobs are a lot bigger…

Surprise!

I don't know who this is. Someone, I guess. "Oh my gosh!" says Sean. Oh, it's Kacie B.! From Ben's Season. Well, I got the season right.

Sean, "I can't wait to see what the other girls think." Yah, traditionally the girls have been REALLY receptive when the producers bring in a ringer. SO HAPPY.

One of the girls says, "She made it really far… her parents were the deal-breaker." Other girl: "Why?" First girl: "Because they're -BEEEEP-."

Now, what's funny here is I'm pretty sure the problem with her parents was they were very religious. So that's what they beeped. Not "fucking insane," but "Mormon" or "Seventh-Day Adventist" or whatever. That's what we beep now.

Desiree doesn't think it's fair! She's had her chance, and this show only allows each person one chance. Wait a minute. KCB says she feels like she has a target on her back. Oh, man, that expression. It never gets old.

Selma with the tissue-producing-boobs confessionals that Sean's her "dream man. If I could just dream a man up… it would be him." If only… if only having 'dreams' was something within our grasp. Alas.

Selma is not real smart. I'm not sure how long I can continue to be sexually attracted to her if she's going to be this dumb, but I have to admit it's at least a while longer.

Sean addresses the crowd. This is a gaggle of hoes. He brings up Emily, because that's a good idea. "I would love to find my wife in this group of ladies." So, let me know if you see her behind a cushion or something.

The gal who did the "Fifty Shades" gag (literally, 'gag') is telling another gal how bad she thinks wearing the wedding dress was. "I would literally die before I did." Wow. This from a gal who pulled a bondage tie out of her tits and asked him to show her how to use it. Even she has limits, though.

Ok, third drink in hand.

KCB and Sean are talking. Sean asks her, "Are you cold, by the way," which is not a question I'd ask a gal with a frontless dress because it's pretty much saying, "Damn, girl, your nips could cut glass." Sean voiceovers he's open to exploring her feelings, assumedly now that she's showing ALL her boobs.

Sean talks to the bridal salon lady. She's boring. "I have a brother," is the extent of it. Oh, wait, he pulls out the first impression rose. I was wrong, there IS another one. "Desiree, will you accept this rose?" She says, "Oh my gosh, it matches my dress." This strikes me as a really stupid thing to say.  How long have you been wearing that dress? You're just NOW noticing it's red? Or did you just realize roses are red? Here's another news flash, Desiree: violets are blue. Also, Sean's a meathead and so are you.

Sean's shooting his wad kind of early. Maybe you should wait until you talk to the other girls before you decide who gets the roses? I dunno. Call me crazy. So this is maybe.

—

Ad break: This segment was sponsored by Delicious Library. "Delicious Library: Buy My Damn App So I Can Afford to Keep Fucking Around Like This."

—

We now return to "The Sean Also Roses."

The gals are all atwitter about the early rosing. Tierra is all proud because she got HER first-impression rose after only one sentence. We hear chatter there's three roses. And we see Sean give another, while a woman voiceovers that the women are thinking he's giving out roses as he goeses!

Selma gets a rose. Again, I can't put my finger on what makes her so special. Hmm. Something… cheekbones?

Nice… hair?

A girl explains to the other girls, "He probably wants to genuinely get to know all 26 girls, instead of having a long rose ceremony, getting to know each of us," in a sentence that the producers absolutely did not tell her to say because normal people say that all the time.

Ashley H. the fashion model (not the fit model) has a crazy thick accent. She didn't get nothing during her chat with Sean, unlike those hoeses with roses. "I don't know where I stand with him right now." You stand roseless, dear. You are unrosed. Not roseworthy. YOU ARE GOING HOME.

Lindsay the drunk substitute teacher in the wedding dress is starting to regret her life decisions. "Honestly… I wish I were more sober right now." Ok, I kind of love her for that. She's dancing with him. "Gimme a kiss!" She's sloppy drunk. He gives her the brush-off. Aww, she's silly and nice, too bad.

Remember ladies: do not get too drunk in the limo! It's poison every time.

Ashley (Fifty Shades of Stupid) suddenly says, "Do we need me to start dancing?" and she gets up and dances for the women. I don't know. One of the gals opines, "Ashley — as we say in the South — 'bless her heart,' she's obliterated. Am I right?" You, ma'am, are right. Also, I love the expression "bless her heart." So deliciously patronizing.

Mistakes were made. Gal voiceover: "Why did she bring a tie?" KCB is laughing about it, she thinks it's great. "She just needs a lot of water! WATER, people." I suddenly realized KCB reminds me of my dear friend Gold Kat and I love her the more for it.

Ashley asks if she can steal Sean from the current gal he's with. "Thirty seconds." Ashley says fine, I'll just dance over here while I wait. It's as painful as you'd think, only more so. MAN THIS GAMBIT IS BOUND TO SUCCEED.

Sean sits down with Fifty Shades of Regret. She pulls the tie out of her boobs again. How does she keep getting that thing back in there? Sean says, "I also brought a rape whistle in case I get in trouble." START BLOWING NOW. Listen to your fear.

Ashley tells Sean she told her mom she'd marry Sean the minute he got dumped by Emily. This sentence has like twenty types of awkward in it, all fighting it out for supremacy. Mom. Marry. Dumped. Trifectkward! Sean makes a "Fifty Shades of Drunk" joke and mine are better. Leave that shit to the professionals, Sean.

She falls down the stairs.

—

Commercial. For Kleenex tissues, really. Because of all the crying hoes? Nice tie-in. Almost as nice as the tie in Ashley's cleavage.

—

The girls are talking about other girls getting roses and how it's just totally bizarro world! Red is blue! Blue is green! Green is red again!

All of these girls seem to be wearing asymmetrical dresses. Either that or they are all really drunk and their dresses are shifting around.

One of the blonde gals is crying to another because she isn't willing to interrupt the other girls, so she's never going to get any Sean time. Ok, has it ever happened in the history of this show that the guy was all, "Oh, shit, I totes forgot to talk to one of the gals! Oh well, probs not important. Rose ceremony time! Line up! Oh, not you, girl I didn't talk to. Also, you're not wearing pants. And there's a test today. Also you're fired from the company you created and we found this stray cat is it yours what kind of a person are you?" Wow that got away from me.

Sean comes up and asks the gal the blonde is crying to if he can have time with the non-crying one. BURN. Now the producers have sent another blonde to comfort crying blonde, in one of the oldest Bachelor tricks in the book. ("Get in there and comfort her, because just watching her cry to herself isn't good TV.")

Crying blonde explains again, "I don't fight over… a guy!" She's all worried about how bad it'll be if this is how bad it is the first night. "Imagine nights… and weeks." Uh, I don't think that's going to be your problem, cryer.

One-armed blonde is voiceovering that she thinks having one arm intimidates a lot of guys. "They feel like, it's just easier to date a girl with two arms." Well, better handjobs, anyhow. But her honesty is kind of disarming. WHAT she wouldn't want me to treat her any differently. YOU'RE the bad person for thinking that.

She states how she needs a rose to feel good about herself so it's not like Sean dismissed her immediately because of her arm. OF COURSE SHE IS GOING TO GET A ROSE christ you think the producers don't know good TV?

She talks to Sean and addresses the issue at hand. She's actually really cool — she's like, yes, I was born with only one arm, I'm totally open to talking about it, I'm very comfortable with it. SEE, I'M NOT SO HORRIBLE.

Sean give Sarah the last of his discretionary roses. She says the rose is "validation" and "empowerment" and holy cats.

Chris Smarmison comes in and tinks his champagne flute. Were I him I'd be worried the gals would think that's like a dinner gong (but for drinks) and they'd stampede. All I'm saying is: some gals been drankin'.

 It's time for the first rose swear-a-moan-y. Sean says, "I really enjoyed tonight. You guys far exceeded my expectations." A+++++++++++. Would flirt with 26 hoes again.

—

Commercial break. Sponsored by: I'm Out of Jokes Here. I'm Out of Jokes Here: a new movie by Adam Sandler. In theaters everywhere.

Ok, seriously, there's an ad here for the Samsung Galaxy S where a dumpy, ditzy gal wants to watch TV on her phone at work and her male coworker tells her she needs to work on the quarterly report with him and so she gets it from his phone and their male boss walks up and asks if they've done the report and she jumps in and steals credit for the report but it's for naught because the boss invites the male coworker to lunch because of the glass ceiling, leaving ditz having to work through lunch anyhow. Ha hah! It's funny because it manages to offend everyone.

—

Back at rose ceremony. The chicks are assembled. Chris says, "Sean is possibly the most sincere Bachelor we've ever had," which seems like damning with faint praise. "Gosh, he sure tries hard! He's an award for Most Spirit!"

Twelve gals already have roses. Crazytimes!

Seven roses to hand out. Sean addresses the troops. "Ultimately, I would love to find my wife." Christ, where did you see her last? When was the last time you remember having her?

Amanda! Queen of the awkward silence, but still pretty hot. Will you accept this rose? "YES!"

[Cut to: Ashley, barely able to stand erect, head tilted to the side.]

Leslie M., the nerd-hater. "I will, of course, thank you." Geez, once will do, Leslie M. 

Kacie! "Of course." See, that's how a pro does it.

Not everyone is pleased with this choice. This gal should be an Olympic gymnast. She'll have lots of time do it after tonight, too.

Kristy! WHAT? The super-tall ex-model gets a rose? WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS? "Of course."

Daniella! Who? Wait, no, really, who? Oh, right, the porn star commercial casting associate. "Yes I will thanks so much."

Terran! The blonde who cried wolf. "I didn't get a chance to talk to you tonight so I was worried," she stage-whispers. Well, apparently for no reason, cry-baby. 

Chris: "Ladies, Sean, this is the final rose tonight, when you're ready."

Fifty Shades of Green looks both ill and only partly aware of what's going on.

It'll all be over soon, honey. Except, you know, for the teasing for the rest of your life, everywhere you go.

Lindsay, with the white wedding dress. It's a nice day to start again. "Yes, absolutely."

"Ladies, if you did not receive a rose, take a moment, say your goodbyes."

Sean's going to have to run through these, since there are like a dozen women who gots to go.

"Lauren, thank you so much." Italian Valley Girl is cut.

Some other girl whose name I miss is cut.

Paige the Jumbotron Operator is cut. She reminisces about what a failure she is, washing out of Bachelor Pad and Bachelor so quickly. Maybe it's time to, like, learn a lesson, here? I dunno. She wishes she'd gotten to stick around and that Sean and she would have had a chance to fall in love. "I guess we'll never know, " she says, starting to cry, "and that's really sad."

YES YOU WILL. You'll know because the answer is NO nothing could ever develop because he dumped you the first damn night and that's a pretty decent indicator he's not into you and would never be. Go home and meet a boy the normal way, like by following @wilshipley on Twitter and then flirting with him.

Kelly the cruise ship entertainer is also crying. "Who'd want to date the crazy girl who sings a song for Sean and got kicked off The Bachelor the first week?' She raises some very salient points about her future prospects, and one wonders why none of these thoughts occurred to her earlier. Maybe she was like, "Shit, I can entertain a cruise ship, how hard can one roid-head be?"

"It's like, it's like the most embarrassing thing ever. Just some of the girls, I don't see what he saw in them that he didn't see in me." Their natural hair color?

Ashley H the fashion model with the crazy accent that sounds like Maria Bamford doing a voice is also crying. She wanted it so bad! This remind me: I recently told a lovely, crazy gal I once slept with that what's making her unhappy is that internally her goals are:

⑴ Never, ever be rejected by anyone, and then very, very far behind that is, ⑵ Find someone who you're deeply compatible with.

I think all the gals on this show have that syndrome. What hurts isn't that Sean rejected them, it's that they got rejected by anyone. Nobody is allowed to reject them! If anyone does, it's a sign they're not pretty enough any more. And who's going to like them after the pretty is gone? Why would anyone like a not-pretty girl? All their positive feedback has come from being pretty.

I honestly hope I don't have a daughter just because I know she'd be pretty and it's too damn hard not to fall into that trap, and I wouldn't know how to help her out of it. I mean, guys get fucked up lots of ways, too, but at least, you know, I've been a guy and I could give a son some advice. "Son, even though your penis is really big, like all the men in your family, you're not allowed to brag about it to other men. You must simply find subtle ways to mention it in casual conversation, so the ladies know," I'd say.

Ashley H is still going on: "the disappointment is there, but the devastation… you know, I try not to let it sink in, but it does." She bends over in pain. YIPES. The devastation! Meanwhile we're seeing shots of all the beaming girls with roses to provide contrast with the agony of the feet (as they do every episode).

HEY WE DIDN'T GET TO SEE THE EXIT OF FIFTY SHADES OF INAPPROPRIATE. I can't imagine why they didn't show her going. Hmm. Nope. No clue.

Sean addresses his horde. "I feel so good about the group of girls that I have here," is a statement no man has ever made in a sane world.

"I'm so hopeful for what the future holds." Because now he's a Disney princess. He calls a toast. About a billion glasses clank together. For tonight, these women have escaped rejection. They're pretty enough. For now.

[wilshipley]

The Bachelorette: Season 8, After the Final Rose

Might as well finish up the season. Hell, not like I have a real job I should be doing.

We come back what’s actually the same super-long live episode of The Bachelorette and the audience is clapping after Jef has asked Emily and Li’l Ricki to marry him and she’s said yes and they all skipped down the road like they’re off to see the wizard. Now, we must find out: did their romance manage to last the three months since that was filmed? And, if not, will they lie convincingly?

Chris says, “That was beautiful!” Nobody impresses Chris like Chris! We’re going to get the up-to-date information on Emily, Jef, and… Arie! Gasp! Plus, there are “some shocking secrets in store!” I bet.

Chris says she looks in love: “What is it about Jef?” She replies, “He brings out something about me… it’s about how he makes me feel.” Which confirms what I said a couple blogs ago, that in order to attract a mate you need to make them feel incredible, not prove to them how incredible you are. Don’t feel bad if you’re not doing it right; I suck at this myself.

Chris mentions her giant engagement ring. Applause! Wait… didn’t the show buy this ring for her? She says the ring means “nothing” to her and she’d be "happy with a piece of tape wrapped around her finger.” Sure, sure. Ever tried that, though? I mean, I once asked a girl to marry me by taking a little bit of toilet paper and rolling it into a ring, and she did say yes… but it’s an advanced maneuver.

Chris asks if she has anything to say to Arie, blah blah blah guess if he’s waiting backstage to come talk to her ok the answer is yes but first commercial!

—

This show is only 35 minutes! Yay.

Chris asks why she’s nervous to see Arie, she says, “I didn’t give him much closure, back in Curaçao.” Uh, remember that he walked away from you and said he was done? I think he got enough “closure.”

Arie comes out. He looks pretty low affect. “What would you like to say to Emily?”

He says watching the show really helped him. Because she’s a dumb ho? Certainly watching this show helped me get over Emily, if by “get over” you mean, “I never liked her but I like her even less now.”

“What are the questions that have been burning in your mind since Curaçao?” He spends like twenty sentences saying, “I wanted to know why.” As if there’s a why to these things.

Chris is really prompting the hell out of them. “Emily, what would you like to say to Arie?” She says she sorry, and should have been more direct and shit. Meh, whatever. Like there’s a nice way to dump someone.

There’s not a lot to make jokes about here. Hmm.

Chris: “Arie, your feelings were so strong for Emily, that this story didn’t end when you left Curaçao.” Uh oh. He did something psycho.

Arie says, “It seems stupid now.” Yah, stupid is one word. So, he flew to Charlotte to see Emily. He wanted “closure!” Yipes! So, uh, that’s awkward. Apparently he chickened out on seeing her and just dropped his Bachelorette journal on her doorstep and left without even seeing her.

Uh.. that’s… just strange. That’s just kind of weird, man. I mean, I know love makes you do dumb things, but… that’s damn strange.

Emily has the journal. Still wrapped up! But wait, ads!

—

We’re back. Emily has the journal still in its original wrapper. She’s going to give it back to him still sealed. AWKward. Wow, how much did he get shut down? She won’t even read his dang journal? That’s mean.

Chris: “Is there a part of you that wishes she had read that journal?” I guess the part of him that flew to fucking Charlotte and dropped it on her doorstep, that part wishes it, yah.

Geez, we’re spending a lot of time with Emily and Arie. This shit makes me sad. “Honestly, if Jef hadn’t been there, it would be Arie and I sitting here, so happy.” Oh, twist that knife! Ouch ouch ouch.

Arie says he’s “doing good” now. He talks to Jef a lot, he says. Arie admits, “That sort of sound weird.” Uh, yah, just a leeetle bit, sure. I think I’ll call some of the dudes porking my exes, see how they’re doing. “Hey, she still got those nice boobs? Yah? What do you do with them? I mean, do you touch ‘em a lot? Uh-huh, uh-huh, go on…”

—

Emily says she told Jef every time Arie contacted her, and was such a great guy that Jef called Arie and “smoothed things out.” Sure, yah, I’d smooth things out if some ex-boyfriend was calling my fiancé. Smooth ‘em out with a ball-peen hammer.

Finally Jef comes out. Fanfare and crap.

Hair still big, but he found a blazer in the last months.

Chris: “What do you love so much about this woman?” Oh god who cares. These lists are so boring. What’s he going to say. Amazing, perfect, so funny, so witty, caring, smart, happy, such a good mom, most caring person ever [repeat], beautiful…

Jef says they’ve slipped away on secret vacations since the show wrapped. Smart! The producers apparently have realized how toxic it is to have the new couple separated while the show is airing (and the Bachelor / Bachelorette is whoring around with so many different people in front of all of America) and so they’ve made arrangements for them to see each other. Good jorb!

Now they’re going on for like ten minutes about how great Little Ricki is. Ugh. Still going on.

Chris says they clearly are happy but they have “a lot more to talk about,” and they really don’t. Like, they’re happy, blah blah, what are they going to say? Happy isn’t really interesting, and these people aren’t really interesting. But, hey, ads!

—

If anyone out there watches the show, I want you to do a thought-experiment to prove how boring Emily is. Describe for me what Emily wants to achieve on this planet BESIDES reproducing. I mean, fucking single-celled organisms reproduce. We’re humans, we’re supposed to have some greater purpose. What’s Emily’s? From everything you’ve seen, what do you think she actually cares about, BESIDES reproducing?

Nothing, right? You can’t think of a single thing. She hasn’t ever talked about anything except Little Ricki and how she feels about men and how men feel about her. That’s been literally every word out of her mouth. She’s a broodmare.

Ok, back with Emily and Jef. What was it like in Curaçao to be asked to get married? It was, you know, like being asked. OH WAIT they’re going to show the proposal to Emily and Jef right now. Yah, the one that just happened. They’re showing it, so we can watch it with Emily and Jef.

This is all the excitement of going to someone’s house and having them whip out a bunch of slides and show you their family vacation that you weren’t on and couldn’t give less of a shit about. Except these people aren’t even your friends. They’re random-ass doofus breeders.

Anyhow, in the recap he gives a big long speech about lurb and asks her if she’ll marry him and she says yes! OMG! YES! She said it again! That’s twice in one night. Dude is on a roll.

Back with them, Emily says she paused about getting engaged because she was afraid of being the gal who keeps getting engaged and not married! Because that’s not very classy, ya’ll! Honestly, Emily, I feel like the fact that you have a kid is going to be the more pressing fact to anyone who might judge you for being engaged multiple times.

Chris says, “We do have more questions for Jef and Emily,” and again I’m calling bullshit on this.

Now Chris is doing a PSA for dolphins. Know what? This is the kind of padding I can get behind. I like dolphins. My dad used to be a volunteer dolphin counter back in Georgia. True story!

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Chris: “What’s the first thing you want to do in public?” Jef kisses her. Awwww, the audience all starts throwing up and both of them drown in the vomit and we never have to hear from them again.

Ok, Jef says next up for them is traveling to Africa, doing charity work. Unsaid: “We’re going on a mission for the Mormon church.”

Jef says he's moving to Charlotte, because Little Ricki. OH my god. These guys have totally made their lives about this one little person. I dunno, maybe I’d be a bad parent, but this seems stupid to me. I mean, what kind of math is that? Two people sacrifice their entire lives for a new person? If you do that the world doesn’t really move forward at all, does it? We just keep getting new people, rather than getting any better.

What do I know, I was an ignored kid.

Anyhow, they’re talking about marriage and I’m ignoring them because ugh. This episode was the worst, unless you love schmaltz.

Chris finishes by telling us to watch Bachelor Pad 3, which is amazingly trashy and horrible (I’ve already watched it). So, you know, you don’t have to miss even a week of Bachelor-related hijinks, but you do have to say goodbye to this tumblr for a while, because I won’t be back until The Bachelor itself starts.

Thanks for reading. From all of us here at Casa Shipley (that’s me and Steve and CC and Ptera the cats), good night!