wishing-it-was-better

[wishing-it-was-better]

I unfriended him

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I just couldn't do it anymore. I told him not to talk to me and that I couldn't handle being friends with him. He would message me about how everything is going wrong with him, and expected me to be supportive. I can't do that anymore.

I decided to move forward and focus on my health and happiness. And that means leaving him behind and focusing on my future.

I unblocked Darcie, as what happened with her is of no longer my concern. What she and Cole do from her on is not my problem. The lack of respect both of them showed me show their true personalities. I'm leaving them in the past.

I've gotten a job. Am going to school. Surrounding myself with amazing people. Found someone who keeps my head on straight and tells me that I didn't deserve what happened. I am seeing a therapist who agrees that what Cole did was wrong. I am starting an exercise blog, am going to change my diet. I am going to take care of me.

I may still vent about him when he reaches out, but I'm not going to contact him anymore.

[wishing-it-was-better]

Exhausted, But Healing

I am so tired of these emotions throwing me for a loop. Normally I’m ok. I smile, laugh, have my good and bad days. Just like always. But then I have the moments where I turn to talk to him and he’s not there, or when I break down because I miss him so much. 

He’s moving on with his life. He’s dating again, he’s gotten a job, enrolled in school, and seems generally a bit happier. And in a way it makes me so angry. How can he move on like our world just changed? How can you do these things now, but when we were together you couldn’t?

Then I get mad with myself. Why do I care so much? He cheated on me. He ... for lack of a better term, raped me. He Used to make me feel like I expected too much out of him and I needed to do things by myself, but when I did, he’d get  upset at that. Like... dude. 

Let me go into detail on that tough term above. In now way did he push me down while I was screaming. It was more silent, more demanding. He would proposition me. I’d say no. No. No. No. Cole Stop asking, i said no. For about an hour before I would say fine. I never enjoyed those moments and I would turn around and cry after. He would blame me. “You should have just said no. You should have told me to stop. I would have listened.”

Not everyone would classify it the way I do. But I do. I was raped by my husband who thought he had more rights to my body than I did. 

Then he would blame me. “Why don’t you have sex with me more, do you even love me? You aren’t attracted to me because we dont have sex.” And I told him in a very detailed letter of my insecurities.

Just a clip of it. I can’t find the whole e-mail, but maybe that’s for the best. 

But time is moving on. I start seeing a therapist soon. I’m in school. Im exhausted all the time, and heartbroken. But I am Healing. Slowly. Very Slowly. 

I have a friend who has been super supportive, and tbh, I kinda sorta have feelings for him. It’s not going to happen tho. He’s in a relationship, and I am not Darcie. He and his partners know how I feel, but I also know my boundaries and am completely transparent.  

He’s helped me make a lot of progress in healing, so thank you. You know who you are. 

[wishing-it-was-better]

Makes me Sick

So this evening I found out what the STBX has been telling people, and it legitimately made me feel sick. 

I wont go into too much detail right now, because I dont wanna throw my friend under the bus. Buuuut, anyway. 

Apparently I treated him like garbage, and he wasted the last 5 years of his life being married to me. He let fake happiness blind the way I treated him. He feels like he’s going to have to spend years recovering from my “Sick Mind games” and he isn’t sure he even wants them to heal so he knows to never put himself in the line of fire again. 

This was sent to our mutual right after he got done ranting to me about how he’s afraid to talk to anyone because he doesn’t want to scare people away, and he knows he can talk to me. He ranted about how he doesn’t want to be happy, and he just wants to stay in pain.How he wants to end it, but he wont. I told him over and over again to go to therapy, and I was trying to be supportive even though I didn’t have to. So I was blown away when my friend sent me the screenshots. 

I’m trying to figure out, once again, if there is any truth to his words. I find myself constantly reading old messages and e-mails looking for to see if there is truth to his words. I asked family if I was being blind to something because sometimes people can act and not know they are hurting the other. I’m sharing screenshots, and such with people trying to show both sides of a conversation, because I want to know the truth. 

People keep telling me the same thing.”You guys both messed up, but you didn’t treat him like garbage” I’m not some master manipulator. If I was, he would have been working while I stayed home, not the way it was. 

He forgets that he tried to commit suicide less than a year after moving in with me in the beginning, and that was because of his depression. He forgets that I supported him when he told me he was having anxiety at his job and wanted to quit. Multiple times. He forgets that he had a full time job, and he called out the second day in because he didn’t want to go to work. He forgets that i was in control of the money was because he wasn’t bringing anything in, and when he was, he never tried to help with bills unless I asked. He forgets that I took time off work to take him to the doctors and ER for months. He forgets that not one, not once did I tell him I couldn’t take it. 

I supported him no matter what happened. I stayed even when he cheated.  I wasn’t perfect. I was controlling over the money we did have, I expected him to cook every night, although I always made sure we did something if he didn’t. I didn’t communicate to him that I wasn’t getting aroused because of the stress, and the issues that stemmed from him cheating. We needed so much counseling, and help, and we didn’t get it.

Recently I came to the realization that he left me after my money ran out. I got my last SDI check, and he left. I can’t financially take care of myself right now. He waited til the last possible second, even though he knew in April he didn’t want to be with me. If he had left earlier, I could have at least taken care of myself, and not have to rely on him flip flopping around on if he wants to help me with rent or not. 

This stuff tears me apart, and I cant wait to start my own therapy. Maybe someone will show me what I did wrong, or explain to me what I could have done better.  UGH

[wishing-it-was-better]

am i playing this game correctly

[wishing-it-was-better]

Not the man I married...Or did I just not see?

So the other week my STBXH told me that he wasn’t going to help with the apartment. He said the next time he came down was to sign apartment papers, that the apartment should be done and over with because he wasn’t going to help. I found out that he didn’t need to sign anything so I told him that he didn’t need to come down. 

Well, he came down with a friend on the day after Thanksgiving. He stayed three hours, and did a few things. He brought a friend and had some help. 

They took all the things off the walls, and took out the couch to the trash, which I asked for. They also put a door back on the hinge. I don’t how it took three hours to that, but w/e. 

I went in today, which was two days after they came and went. I ended up pissed.

The toilet hadn’t been flushed, and the house smelled of urine.

The heater was on to 74 for the entire time. 

We had a decal on the wall that had a quote about happiness,  honestly, blah blah. Well he took all of it off except for “It’s hard.” 

They put together all the boxes (and stacked them like a fort) that I had left because I wasn’t going to use them, so now I had to spend additional time taking them apart. 

Everything had been pulled out of cupboards and drawers and filled the sink, covered the counters, and on the floor. 

I was so angry. The “It’s hard” felt like an insult to our marriage, and the electric bill is in my name. The whole situation felt like a giant fuck you. So I messaged him. It wasn’t a very nice one. I explained what I had found and that it was very childish and he made it more difficult on me, and what did they actually do because it felt like for 3 hours they barely did shit.

He messaged back telling me that I was over exaggerating about the heater, that they forgot to flush, that the boxes were his friends way of amusing himself because he was in a bad head space, they thought they were helping with emptying the drawers, and apparently the it’s hard was meant to be a penis joke. 

He then accused me of being nasty and said that everyone is telling him to not help with rent, which he had promised to help with until I got on my feet. He said he and the guys could come back and undo what they did if I continued to be nasty. 

I told him that I was responding to his actions and behavior. I think I was being more aggressive than usual, but not nasty. 

He’s ignored me since. I can’t wait to get this done. I file for divorce this week. My mom is going to help me with the paperwork. I call SS tomorrow to update our information (He is getting benefits and I have a claim), I have to get him off my car insurance. I have to do so much, and it’s so overwhelming. 

Can I just fast forward to the end of the week when it’s all done and over with?

[wishing-it-was-better]

Complex Feelings

Holy Crap. I think my mood swings are off the charts. 

One minute I’ll be perfectly fine. Laughing with my cousins over something stupid, then having to leave the room because I’m about to bawl. Hes been a part of my life for such a long time, it’s going to be so hard to phase him out. Like... I keep automatically thinking of him. I was shopping for food and almost got pizza rolls for him before remembering he wasn’t there. I was eating dinner and saw asparagus and automatically though about how he doesn’t like it. 

I had to take off my ring. He used to do this thing when I was insecure, or we had just gotten done fighting. He would hold our hands together, make the rings touch, and talk about how the rings meant forever, and no matter what we would be together. So I cant even look at it without thinking of those times. It hurts so much. He used to sing “You are my sunshine” To me, and I had a bunch of items bookmarked that I wanted to get us, so I had to delete those. 

I changed my relationship status on Facebook, and thankfully it didn’t post on my wall. No one has noticed. 

I keep thinking of how much this hurts, how fucked up this is. I miss him so much, and It’s so hard being away from him. I want to scream and cry, shake him til he sees sense. 

But then I also have those feelings of Relief.

It’s so weird. Like... A weight is off my chest. I don’t have to walk on eggshells around him wondering what is going to piss him off. I don’t have to worry about asking him for help because I know he’ll wine, and make it a big deal. I don’t have to worry about if he’s cheating on me, or if he is back in contact with someone from before. I don’t have to worry about making sure I am available to take him to the doctors, or remind him to take his pills, or eat. I don’t have to beg him to help around the house. I don’t have to worry about not satisfying him, of being a failure.

For the first time in a long time I feel okay. I am having episodes of depression and anxiety, but nothing like it used to be. I have started planning to go to school again, I’ve scheduled appointments to see the doctors. I am communicating with my friends more. I’m chilling with family. 

So the feelings are so fucking weird. I think it’s where my exhaustion is coming from. Like... I keep flip flopping so much between my emotions. Anger Sadness, Relief, Joy, Excitement, Disappointment, Hopelessness, Wishful. Its so fucking ridiculous. 

Like, on one hand I want him to change his mind. To come back. 

But on the other, I don’t think we can ever be together again. He’s destroyed my trust, and used me. Then when he got bored he left, just like he quits anything he gets bored with. Like... I’m still trying to decide if being friends with him after the divorce is final is a good idea. 

He keeps acting like any emotions I’m feeling are my fault. He told me the marriage failed because I wasn’t willing to put out more often. He takes no responsibility for his behavior or actions during the marriage. He says he made the choice to cheat, but blames me for him having to make that decision. He is invalidating my feelings, and refusing to take responsibility for his part in this marriage. 

He used to be my best friend, but can I have a best friend who destroyed me? I cut Darcie out because of what she did... But Cole Cheated on me 4 times.He helped destroy my confidence, happiness, and so much more.

FUCKING EH. Decisions. They fucking suck.

[wishing-it-was-better]

Frustrations

So my STBX is currently out of town. An hour or so away, depending on who is driving. As mentioned before, he commented on how being in the apartment and me made him depressed. So he left. He promised me he would be back that weekend to help me pack and move.

So I spent hours going through things, separating them, putting his stuff in one corner, and things he might want in another. I tagged all the large things that I wanted, and so on.

Well last Friday, I’m chatting with him via messenger because I had a random bought of sadness. I messaged him because I don’t think people would understand the reason for my sadness. Well, he eventually told me (At 1 in the morning) that he was able to get a ride to the apartment the next day. It would be him, Travis, and our friend Nathan.

I was immediately pissed for several reasons. One was the fact that he told me about 6 hours before they would be there. Another was the whole “I’m bringing people over to help me even though you told me you didn’t want to be around people when packing.” And the third was who he was bringing. Travis is celebrating this. He told Cole Congrats on your Victory. Like, what is he telling people for someone to this is a victory in any way? And as much as I love Nathan as a friend, Cole tried to get with Nathan’s sister, and I am so not over that. So I lashed out. I kept reminding him what I said about people, and how I didn’t even want Travis near the apartment. He ignored my feelings on people, but instead of Travis, he brought some stranger named Stephanie. I don’t know this person besides maybe an hour on Minecraft over half a year ago. 

So, My cousin and I quickly pack up basics to bring to my Aunts and Uncles so I don’t have to be around them. I wasn’t ok. I was miserable, randomly bursting into tears, and in general, being a mess. Haha. 

Well they roll up in a truck, I talked to Cole telling him I tagged mine, and how I separated things. Well, cousin and I head back to the house and we chill. Two hours later I get a message saying “We’re done, and we threw out a lot of trash.”

We talked for a few about things he left, and I asked if he remembered to leave the water on for our cat, Buhboo. (My cousin Chris and his girlfriend India call her Roach. Its totes not her name though.) He said no, so i went back to the apartment. 

In reality they grabbed a majority of his stuff, threw out a couple things of trash, but that’s it. So here I was, having already spent over 10 hours on trying to pack, clean, and move with minimal help because people have school and work. And he had spent 2 hours. That’s it. So I kinda flipped. I asked when he’d be back because there is still so much to be done. He told me he had a ride back the next weekend. 

So this last week I’ve been popping by and grabbing little things here and there. My back has been in agony because of my sciatica, but hey, I’ve gotten shit done! I went back to the apartment Friday with my cousin. We grab a few things, and I can’t do anymore. I can barely walk at this point because my back is in so much pain. Im frustrated, Cole has pretty much gone silent about when he’ll be back and im so done. 

So I send him coice clips that pretty much say “I feel like you have left the responsibility of packing and cleaning the apartment up to me. I feel like you have run away from helping me and it’s frustrating. I also need to know xyz so I can transfer our internet, and are you going to help with our electric bill? I need to know when you’ll be here so we can just get this done, because this is overwheming for me to do everything byself. We came into this marriage and apartment together, so we need to leave them together. This isn’t just my responsibility, it’s yours too.”

And he immediately got pissed. “”I am done with you assuming you know exactly what I am thinking, and what you assume I am thinking is always the most negative thing possible. I hit up So and so all day about coming down, and I hit up so and so with no response” 

I responded with “Well, I don’t know that do I?”

I’ll give a summary of the next few messages.

Him: I am sick and tired of you thinking you know what I am thinking. You shouldn't feel the way you do.

Me: I am only reacting to your actions, or lack thereof.

Him: It hurts when you assume things, and it’s unfair that I have to ask friends for a ride to come help. 

Me: I know that’s how you feel, but see it from my POV. 

Him: Your POV is skewed. You have (lists 8 names) to help you and I’m far away. You keep berating me for not helping

Me: I have had help from cousin A three times, and from J once. People have jobs just like your friends do. YOU chose to leave town knowing we had to do this. This was your decision, not mine. You left telling me you would be coming back to help, and you haven’t. You chose to be as far away as you are. Not me.

Thankfully, a bit later he pulled his head out of his ass and finally understood where I was coming from.

I just want this to be done. I am so tired of having to do everything by myself when I should be able to rely on him to do his part. The sad part is, this is mirroring our marriage. This whole thing. Leaving instead of helping, ignoring instead of supporting, telling me my feelings aren’t valid instead of understanding.

And now he is currently living next to the woman he tried to cheat on me with. I know at this point, it’s not my business, but it bothers me so much.

UGH

[wishing-it-was-better]

Harder than someone would think

Ugh. So I'm separating our things. I'm not packing his stuff, just packing mine. But I come across things I bought him and I start hurting. Then I can across our wedding guest book.

Now I'm bawling like a baby. Only a few guests wrote in it, but it still makes me hurt so much.

We had a lovely wedding. Close friends and family were there. Lovely vows, dancing, food, and so much happiness.

Now I can't think about my wedding day because the whole thing is spoiled. My husband didn't keep his vows. Sexted my best friend who officiated the wedding. Half the friends who went don't talk to me anymore.

So in one hand, this is devastating. Seeing this book makes me cry and have issues breathing.

In the other hand, I'm glad I'm no longer with someone who would do that to me.

Fuck this hurts.

[wishing-it-was-better]

Emotions

Like Seriously, who thought emotions were a good idea?

STBX and I had an argument this evening. He left the room talking about having some friends coming to the apartment to help him out, and that the longer he was there the more depressed her was becoming. 

I asked him how he thought I felt. Like, did he think that I wasn’t feeling depressed staying there too? I would have left already if I could, but the room my family is letting me sleep in wont be available until the 12th. 

I started raising his voice saying I don’t want people over to witness the fall of my marriage, to see me breaking down. Its embarrassing, and humiliating. I am such an ugly crier. LIke. Ew. 

He started telling me that i had no reason to yell and that I needed to stop. That he wasn’t the bad guy and that we just weren't compatible.

There was more arguing. More communication. 

It ended up with him just sighing, and me removing myself to continue bawling. I agreed he could have people over to help out as long as he let me know in advanced so I could leave while they were there. It’s not that I don’t love the two people that were coming, but I cant be around them like this. 

I am now exhausted. Absolutely drained. Sitting at my aunt and uncles table. Im spending the night here, while the guys help him pack and get his shit together. Gave him a basic list of shit he can take or throw, and stuff that I wanted, stuff he could have.

This is tiring, Very much so. Separation is such a difficult thing, and its not easy. Not easy at all. 

[wishing-it-was-better]

Please please please vote!!! Make it an educated vote! (FUCK trump)

November 6th is America’s midterm election. (Fuck Trump!)

If you haven’t already mailed in or dropped off your ballot (in states SANE ENOUGH to do this in order to lessen voter fraud and no need for polling places with bad hours and long lines) I hope you vote Tuesday. Remember, if you have trouble getting there, some ride-share companies have free or cheap rides to your polling place.

You can vote for whomever you feel promotes your personal ideals. I, of course, have my own opinions as a Democrat (fuck Trump) but I strongly support a fair system, where we all get to vote for OUR beliefs. I also do not let party lines get in the way when I vote. I have never voted “blue down the ballot.” I take researching candidates and initiatives seriously. My husband and I spent a whole evening researching the initiatives in our state. We strongly disagreed on two. That’s okay. That’s what democracy is like. We don’t have to agree; we just have to vote.

I use my blog to promote MY OWN opinions (fuck Trump) so prepare to see a bunch of articles, cartoons, and in general, a lot of American politics on my Tumblr page tomorrow (fuuuuck Trump). If you aren’t American, I apologize for the clutter, but this is a very important election to determine if Republicans remain in power in Congress to support the President and his decisions, or if Democrats can take control to put a check on Trump’s policies. (FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCK TRUMP!!!!)

Go vote!

[wishing-it-was-better]

Burtka-Harris Family Halloweens (2011-2018)

[wishing-it-was-better]

My Marriage - It didn’t work out

I married my high school sweetheart - and it didn’t work out.

Let us go back to the beginning.

It was my Sophmore year at high school. I was walking to my next class where I hear these guys talking about Final Fantasy IX. Now, this was my absolute favorite game. I would spend hours upon hours playing, so I knew I had to get in on this conversation. I recognized one of the guys talking, it was my friend Nathan’s little brother. I inserted myself into the conversation and that’s how I met Cole. 

Now Cole had a rough childhood, much like myself. Parental issues, excessive responsibility, and just too much trauma for one person. He easily integrated into the “Friend Group.” He knew several of the others, and had even dated our friend Victoria. Briefly.

As the year went on I found myself liking him more and more. He was funny, kind, and always made me happy. We dated for a bit, then went our separate ways, as most relationships in high school. 

We were off and on a couple times in high school, many times I ended it because he was so... he hated himself. With my history, it was hard to handle. About 5 years ago I offered to let him move away from our hometown which had no opportunities. I had my own place in Sac, and was getting a 2 bedroom with a roomie. I told him I could support him until he found something. 

He moved in, and we started a relationship. There were so many red flags that I just didn’t pay attention to because I wanted this to work out so much. I loved him and I just wanted to be with him. 

The first red flag... my room mate had a baby mama who hated me.Called me a whore, and was generally a very nasty person. She was staying and I told the roomie she needed to leave. Well, two days in me fighting to get her to leave my roomie starts screaming at me, for about 15 minutes. While Cole stood there. Not interfering. KNOWING I had PTSD and this would be triggering. I should have seen it then.

Secondly... Goodness. So I took care of the bills. I told him that once he started working I would expect him to help with them. But even when he started working, i would primarily take care of the bills, then for any leftover bills I would ask for help. I have pretty bad sciatica, so when he wasn’t working I asked him to help around the house and clean. He didn’t want to do that. He told me that he felt I was asking too much of him. 

There were good moments, don’t get me wrong. I was walking to work at the time, and he would give me back rubs when I was in pain so I could get to work in the mornings. 

Well, eventually he started working crazy hours at Red Lobster. And I would still ask for the back rubs because without them, I wouldn’t be able to get to work. I can see where I was at fault for not offering them back. I agree that I was selfish at this point. 

Well we decided to get married. There was no grand proposal. We were on the high of being together. Of being able to be intimate. It was all very fast. He moved in in July. We got Engaged in November. Married in April.

We got married and things got very difficult. I had a miscarriage. I felt defeated, like a failure, and was absolutely devastated. Cole depression grew worse and he lost his job at Red Lobster. My roomie was purposefully triggering my PTSD, and I was getting frequent nightmares. So we moved in with my aunt and uncle. Life was put on hold.

Come February we moved into our own apartment. I was so excited. Cole was still on and off with employment, but I was working full time at $17 an hour. He was on my health insurance, which took $300 out of each check, but I was able to support us. 

Our intimate life started to slow. I was exhausted. I was working full time, even coming home and still working. I had to pay the bills, and anything important. I had to ask him to make doctor appointments, and to look for work. I had even caught him calling out on his second or third day of work when he had gotten a full time job!

Well, at one point he and I joined a group chat on an app to socialize as we are homebodies. We stay home and game, sleep, eat, and it was never a problem. I noticed that there was some flirting. I caught him cheating. (The big cheating issue is discussed in a previous post)

I should have left immediately. Eventually i decided it wasn’t a big deal as it was only online, and it was only roleplay. It was a fling. But it made me feel absolutely worthless. Disgusting. Pathetic. Like a failure. 

He did it again in the next year. At this point he rarely brought in an income, refused to help clean as it made him feel like a butler, and frequently complained about the lack of sex. As if that was the only thing I was good for. It was almost as if he forgot I paid the bills, I made sure he went to the doctor, I was cleaning up the house, and I was still finding time to take him out to dinner or to go hang out with his friends. He started bailing on family dinners and gatherings. He refused to go and do things with people I knew. He started pulling away from me, and my family. He started staying up at all hours playing games on the computer, reading Reddit, and watching Youtube. He would rarely come to bed when I was awake. 

I was so pissed. I finally reached out to friends and family to get advice. I should have left then. A few months later he was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This was devastating. He entered a phase where he was frequently suicidal, and had to go to several appointments every week. I started getting in trouble at work because I would come in late or leave early so he could get to the appointments. I was making sure he took his meds, reading up on BPD, and doing my best to support him. Unfortunately I started to Spiral as well. 

My anxiety started to get out of control and I started to have panic attacks. I went to the ER with my first one, followed it up with my doctor who put me on medical leave from work, and eventually was diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, and a Panic Disorder. My HR department handled things poorly and eventually placed me into a suicidal state. So now the house was filled with two people who were having mental issues. 

The difference was that I was open about it. I communicated when i was feeling suicidal or depressed. I communicated when I was happy and having a good day. I didn’t hide what was going on, because I wasn’t ashamed. It was scary, but I knew Cole would support me. I eventually quit my job three months later in January. Come February where he cheated on my with my best friend, and our wedding officiate. There are no words to describe my emotions. 

I couldn’t handle so I blamed her and his BPD. I didn’t make him take responsibility for it. End of March, I have a Psychologist appointment. I was diagnosed unspecified bipolar. I come home to tell him, tell him, we get in a small stupid fight, and he tells me hes leaving for a bit to clear his head and his ride is almost there. 

I tell him he needs to be back soon because of Easter, my Gmas’s birthday, and our wedding anniversary (April 4th).

I became severely depressed. He missed Easter and Gma’s birthday. I started a self hatred spiral and stopped taking my meds. Started drinking. Then our 3 year anniversary came and he didn’t come home. I flipped out on him over text. He never liked talking on the phone. He started talking about how amazing Darcie must be in bed. How incredible her sex drive is. How we should just move in with Darcie and her husband so Cole could have all the sex he wants. 

I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital that evening, and stayed for a week. He came home and apologized. We talked. 

We talked more than we had for our entire marriage. We started communicating more than we ever had and I thought things were getting better. I was having a very rough time handling my emotions from his infidelity and the words he claims to have said “Just to hurt you because I was splitting” He was snapping and arguing more but I was under the impression this was a good thing becasue he was voicing issues he was having. 

Well  Coel asked for a Trial Sepration Mid October, and left October 17th for a month. I told people he was house sitting for a friend. A week later I started getting a feeling. So on the 26th I logged into his facebook that he had given me the password on.  And I saw him trying to arrange a date with someone I knew when he had first gotten down there. I broke. I tried calling him and he ignored me. I finally had one of the friends he was hanging with let him know I was trying to reach him. And he didn’t even call me because of his “anxiety” I told him I knew about Michelle. He told me he wasn’t happy and that it was over. I was pissed.

I called my aunt BAWLING. She could barely understand me and she was coming to grab me because I couldn’t drive to her place. I sat on my porch, with stuff in hand and called my friend. I cried to her about what I found and what happened. I eventually hung up, and my next door neighbor, a sweet older woman whos been there since we moved in, sits next to me. She asks what was wrong and I told her, and started crying again. She hugged me, and we talked until my aunt came. I got in the car and continued to cry. And cry. it was.. silly how much I cried. 

My aunt and Uncle weren’t surprised. I guess he told them in April that he wanted to end the Marriage.  After talking with my sister, he told her too. Apparently out of my family, my younger cousins, and myself were unaware that he had been finished with our relationship for 8 months. 

I was so mad. So angry. He wasn’t happy? Newsflash, Depression and BPD make being happy hard. But he didn’t care. He was over it. Over us. Done trying. 

The next morning I woke up and began creating a list of things that would make me happy. I knew I couldn’t just keep being sad. That’s not me. I am a “Plan A failed, lets go with B-Z” kind of gal. Always have been. It drove Cole crazy. 

I’m now re-enrolled in school. Moving in with my aunt and uncle because I dont have anywhere else to stay. Cole came back to the apartment last weekend. He’s completely stoic. Acting like this doesn’t bother him at all. Like this hasn’t changed everything. We are in the middle of separating our things, and hes acting like nothing is wrong. Like this is fucking normal. While I have to stop myself from kissing him good night. Or hugging him. Or cuddling him. Its so hard, and hes acting like nothing has changed. I had to leave today because I was so close to breaking down, and I don’t feel I can do that around him anymore. 

On one hand, I am absolutely heartbroken. Shattered. And so very terrified of whats next. ON the other hand, I am relieved that I can finally take care of me. That I can focus on my health. My wants. My needs. Not his. I dont have to walk on eggshells, wonder if hes cheating, or be scared that hes talking shit about me to his friends. 

Its a complex set of emotions. And I am a mess. 

But I am not ashamed. I have learned a lot about what I want from a relationship, what I want from a significant other, and what I will never do again. I will never be the one who does everything with little to no support again. Ever. I have learned a lot about myself as well. 

My marriage to my high school sweetheart didn’t work out. It happens. I will not let this break me down. 

[wishing-it-was-better]

She knows when I'm spiraling. <3 I may feel alone, but she helps so much.

[wishing-it-was-better]

why doesn’t the x-mansion have wheelchair ramps

it’s literally his house

how does he get in and out of his own house

[wishing-it-was-better]

So alone

Have you ever has that moment when you start to spiral into depression and want to talk to somebody, anybody, but can't? Feeling like you've bothered people enough, and the reason for the spiral is embarrassing, sad, and too much. I've explained to one friend what is going on... but I'm trying to not bug her too much.

I feel so alone. So so alone.

I used to have so many friends, but many of them scattered into the wind when I became depressed. I was always there for them when needed... but when I was hospitalized... only a few friends cared. Three friends had supported me as I was hospitalized. Three noticed I was MIA. Nobody else gave a shit.

I am so tired. So alone. It fucking sucks.

[wishing-it-was-better]

NOVEMBER 6th (Midterm Election) IS FAST APPROACHING!

*this is a gentle reminder from moderator susie over at @reverseracism to register to vote and/or check your voter registration status*

Register to vote (NOTE - not every State allows online registration): https://vote.gov

Check your voter registration: https://www.nass.org/can-i-vote/voter-registration

Vote by Snail Mail (post): https://www.eac.gov/voters/national-mail-voter-registration-form/

Don’t speak English? No problem: https://www.eac.gov/voters/national-mail-voter-registration-form/

Overseas Americans/Military Americans: https://www.usa.gov/absentee-voting#item-37337

If you are an American Citizen and homeless you can still vote in all 50 States: https://www.nonprofitvote.org/voting-in-your-state/special-circumstances/voting-and-homelessness/

Facts on voting procedures: https://www.eac.gov/assets/1/6/VotersGuide_508.pdf

STATE VOTER REGISTRATION DEADLINES: https://www.usvotefoundation.org/vote/state-elections/state-election-dates-deadlines.htm

Click RIGHT HERE to find out what you will need to bring along with you when you go to vote in person on November 6th, 2018. Every State differs in voting procedures and it would be a terrible shame to travel all the way to your voting poll only to be turned away for something obscure.

[wishing-it-was-better]

Getting over the double betrayal

Oh goodness. So, I'm back to using this as a vent as No one really follows my tumbler. Thankfully.

First of all, facts.

My husband has been diagnosed with BPD. A huge portion of that is he makes connections with others extremely easily, and if we aren't intimate every night he starts to feel like I don't love him, and abandoned.

In the beginning of our marriage communication was shit. We had been together on and off for 6.5 years, and never quite learned how to talk things out. So when we were having issues he'd talk to his friends about them. Ok, no biggie. I understood. I had a miscarriage and started to pull away from sex.

Well, a year into our marriage a friend introduced us to this fun chat app (can't remember the name) and we joined a few chat groups. Made friends, etc.

Well, one morning I woke up and was looking in one of our mutual groups and I had noticed he was flirting with another member. Now, I don't mind flirting as long as it stays that. Just flirting. But something bugged me. So I grabbed his phone (He was still out) and I went through. It was one person, but he had started a sexual rp with them. I was devastated. So I got ready for work, his phone in my hand, and when I was ready I threw it at him, told him he was busted, and left to go to work. On my way to the car I called my Best friend Darcie. I was balling, asking why. Why would he. She was very supportive and caring.

I kinda rugswept it. We talked, he deleted the app, handed it over whenever I asked. It felt like things were getting better.

Hubby was unable to hold a job for long because of his BPD. So I supported him a majority of the time. I didn't mind it. I felt good knowing I was taking care of him financially and that he was there for me when I needed support. Well, it bothered him so he started looking for some game developer/writing work via discord. He made friends, introduced me to some, and let me look whenever I wanted. Well, I eventually I no longer felt the need to be so obsessive. This would be about the beginning of 2017

Dumb me.

We have a group of friends who live an hour away. They came and grabbed him for a few nights of guy time. I was chill. These are all friends who have been there since high school (at this time over 8 years).

I went to play games on his computer and there is some unread messages from another game developer. I had spoken with this other guy, and knew my husband occasionally helped with some pixel art, or game code, so I clicked.

They had been sexting (Pics included this time) for over a month. I flipped. Seriously. I called him, and yelled and screamed and told him to stay away for a bit so I could figure out what I wanted to do.

That's when the doubts started kicking in. It was another guy. Did he regret marrying a female? Was I not good enough?

I spoke to some family. One aunt said that experimentation is normal and I should let it go. I called hubbys mom, and she was pissed. She kept saying she didn't raise him that way. Called Darcie again, and she was supportive and tried to mediate things.

Well, once again I let him come home. At this point we had been married almost 2 years, and been together for 9. I didnt want to fail at keeping him happy, and saving my marriage, you know?

Communication started to get better, we talked more. He discussed issues more, and I expressed my stress more. I have sciatica and ptsd, and my health started to get worse so I went to part time. It was hard financially, but I felt better.

Then he became suicidal. That summer was spent missing work to get him to the doctor, he was on watch, etc. It was hell for both of us. I started to get warnings from work about my attendance. He was officially diagnosed with BPD, depression, and anxiety. So I was learning how to deal with everything on his side.

Then I broke in September. I had been diagnosed with PCOS which destroyed me because having a child is someyhing I yearn for. I started having extreme anxiety. I would pull to the side when driving because of panic. It continued to get so bad I went to the ER.

It was the compilation of everything. The infidelity, work, my diagnoses, his BPD, everything. I ended up being diagnosed with Panic disorder, anxiety, ptsd, and depression.

October was the official beginning of my medical leave by my doctor. HR was calling constantly and harassing me. It got to the point where I was frequently suicidal. I have never been ashamed of it. I would tell someone how I felt because I felt if I didn't, and I was alone I would kill myself.

Well. We were figuring out meds for both of us, and our communication was shot. January I finally quit work because I was having panic attacks every time I left the house.

Come February. We have a friend over, hubby is half asleep, and my anxiety is off the rails. So I try to calm myself down and ask to see his phone. He hands it over, no questions asked.

All his messages to Darcie are deleted. Best friend Darcie. Darcie who officiated our wedding. He fessed up and expressed about a month ago they sexted. He expressed he was feeling lonely, and abandoned. I confronted her. She claimed I was abusive. I told her she was lucky I was handling things well enough to not kill myself. (Totes regret that btw) She blocked me. I outed them to everyone. Friends, family, everyone. I was so angry.

March was hard, instead of trying to work things out he kept leaving. I was having panic attacks, our friends were getting tired of our shit. I had a doctora appointment where i was also diagnosed as Bipolar. On the day I come hoke with that news he leaves for his friends saying he needs to think. Fucking great support there. He planned to be gone the end of March beginning of April. I said ok, as long as you are here for Easter, and our wedding anniversary. He agreed.

We talked a lot. A LOT. I explained what he made me feel like when he cheated. How he stole my best friend from me. He expressed how he felt like a butler and i was never there for him. I reminded him that the agreement was if he wasnt working he would take care of the house while i was at work. I also tried to express why I pulled away from sex.

Well he needed more time so he didn't come home for Easter. I missed my grandmother's birthday because of the panic and anxiety and everything else. I was on bad terms with my mom, so she had no clue about anything going on for the last 3 years. My sister's were giving me shit for always canceling, and I finally told everyone to fuck off. Well, it's April 4th. Our wedding anniversary.

Instead of coming home he is trying to convince me that we should just Move in with Darcie and her husband (They are poly, and her husband was totally ok with her doing what she did) so he can have sex whenever he wants. After all her sex drive must be amazing. And he went on and on.

I made plans to kill myself that night. I was about to carry them out when I realized I didn't have anyone to care for my cat. She's my baby. So I called a friend, explained I was going out of town. She said sure, but she was going to take me to dinner. And I couldn't do it. So instead I went to the ER. Was admitted to a psych ward for 7 days.

Husband came home once he found out. Apologized up and down. Said he had said those things to hurt me because he was in a spiral himself.

Well. Things are better. Much better. I have learned I deserve to be happy. I deserve to smile. I deserve to not have to worry about his fidelity.

He is seeking counseling, so am I. Once we have a few sessions it's on to Marriage counseling. He has promised to let me know if Dacie ever tries to contact him.

I found out the other month that she believed I was saying I was suicidal to keep him. Bitch, I wasnt faking. Fuck off. She actually unblocked me via Facebook and it caused a panic attack. Ended up blocking her instead. Muahaha.

Anyway. People tell me it's not worth it.

I think 10 years is at least worth trying. We are at the lowest of our low right now. I will do my best to bring myself up, and him along with me. If it happens again after all of this, I can agree it won't be worth it. But he know he needs to up his game and has been.

He's doing great in researching his BPD, separating himself from potential situations, talking when things bother him, and he comes to me when he wants to talk about things that bother him. It's hard, but it's working. He's reading up on how to help me heal, and understands that I won't be over this for years.

I will never forgive her though. Ever.