wishsetter

[wishsetter]

I've been thinking lately about what it is that I want to do with my life. Things can be difficult when you process thoughts and stimuli in the way that I do. I love many things and want to be a master of all of them. Each concept I come into contact with, I want to be knowledgeable with and well-versed within.

All this isn't to say that other people don't also have troubles all their own, but rather to express myself. In some way.

Music could be an avenue, though I don't have connections to be able to find work in that place, though I've already made several pieces for soundtracking purposes. Animation is another place, though I don't have enough in my portfolio to get the interest of potential employers and partners in that craft. Research for history and documentation would be awesome, though I sincerely have no idea how to get into that kind of business! Ha, I probably sound like such a complainer...

It doesn't help that I have trouble justifying any of this as a way to sustain myself. All of it is very selfish, self absorbed and indulgence of my habits, rather than work. I want to work, but I have no idea how I get from here to... Anywhere. I feel frozen, foiled by frustration over recognizing those self-absorbed habits and seeing how others hardly even get the opportunity. How many of the people out there can't even devote time to their creativity. They work all the time, to survive, not because they have a choice to thrive.

A good way to articulate what I feel is through this song by Bo Burnham: "ART IS DEAD"

I am an artist and because of that I'm depressed, yet self absorbed, then frustrated over that fact and still, at the end of the day, want that attention. Some validation, some way to feel recognized. Do I want to be remembered? I'm not really sure honestly.

One thing I do know.. I love how good it feels to hear that song because for once I feel like I'm actually understood. Not just logically, but literally and emotionally.

Often I feel like I don't have enough titime. Always in a hurry like there's no time to experience it all, and yet I also just can't experience it all because I'm stuck at home.

I feel like many kids from my generation grew up feeling like they had to explain themselves. To justify their actions at every turn. It's like, there has to be a reason for every movement or step, otherwise it isn't worth it. I want to be able to take my steps, fall even, and not have to justify it to anybody. I suppose I could do that, though maybe not. More and more, people are expected to believe a certain way, to act a certain way to say this and to not say that. Identity is being lost and it scares me because I feel like it's drowning out meaning.

This obviously isnt entirely true but I'm not stupid. I see when people feel like they have to explain themselves to me about their choices. Sometimes for very minute things that don't matter. Or rather, to put it another way: that don't require such analytical, worded reasoning.

Sometimes, you just want something because, that's who you are. Because it's what you want. But so much judgement has been cast on everyone, as if to say, every corner of belief must be judged. People looking for attention are cast in a negative light constantly. People who favor sexual practices with other consenting adults are shamed and looked down on. People who follow religion are often considered countless negative things (Christianity and even Judaism especially) or believed to be somehow not all a good person.

Either way, these are the sorts of things I ponder. And, put simply, I don't want to be judged for everything I believe, but... I am. Everyone is. Whether it's good or bad judgment, it just... is.

Well, in the meantime, I'm going to look for work. Maybe I'll get lucky and find my niche. America is supposed to be the land of dreams, right? Until next update.

[wishsetter]

Hello! Today was tough, but rewarding. Sort of...

I have been on a bit of a downward spiral the past couple of weeks. That's part of what inspired me to start this journal, or diary, or blog. Or whatever it is. It led me to write! Another thing that led me here was learning of someone named Elisa Lam.

I'm not going to write too much into detail on how it's relevant, but, if you have heard of her, then I'm sure you already instantly understand the correlation! Her story is a tragic one, but I thank her for her writing... If you have not heard of her, and are curious as to why she is important, at least to me, watch "Crime Scene: The Vanishing at Cecil Hotel" on Netflix.

And before I continue... I want to make one thing crystal clear. I am NOT glorifying or reveling in what happened to her, but I AM aware of it and feel for her, her family and everyone involved around the hotel where everything happened. Where things still happen...

So, you're probably still wondering about what I meant at the start of this post.

As my mental, physical and emotional health have all been soaring in a total death spiral maneuver, I have been struggling to find even small victories back towards stability. Sleep has been a MAJOR battle in that regard. So, yesterday, I stayed up all night and- well... Most of the day!

Yep. I didn't make it through the whole day. It's why I'm writing this now and not earlier! The hope was to tire myself out indisputably and force some Zs at a regular time. I made it to about 2pm..

Here's why I still feel like it's a win, though! The truth is, I broke the cycle. So even though it wasn't a clear-cut win, I did throw a wrench in the habit that has been attempting to form. Now, I feel more confident and ready to beat this thing! So that's a win for me!

Anyways, that's it for tonight. Tomorrow, when I wake up at a reasonable time-, and trust me, I will wake up before noon, I have plans for how to continue climbing out of that hole! So that's it, stay safe. Until the next update!

[wishsetter]

So, Hey again... Just had a mental breakdown. Tired of the debt. The expectations. The beliefs. Everyone assumes differently, everyone understands differently, but it feels like that all happens with no difference. I'm sure I am not making sense.

I'm just so angry, fed up. Depressed. Upset.

I want to stop being the one helped and instead be the one helping. Dependable, not depending on...

I missed yesterday's post because I slept through the day. Not all of it, but I just didn't even remember.

I'll find my way, I know... There's simply too much to express it all here, but, I felt obligated to write here. I messed up, missing yesterday, but I want to continue.

Even if my rambling nonsense is quite erratic and... well... nonsensical. Haha.

I appreciate you. For reading. I suppose, knowing someone is listening helps.

Though, I've never understood why people who say "I just hope somebody else understands" helps. My parents tell me it is empathy and that this concept helps to get people through. I understand that, I even feel it from time to time... but, it doesn't change anything about the situation.

My dad says the alternative is someone telling you to suck it up and do whatever it is you have to do. And maybe that is true, that I do have to suck it up; do what I need to.. but that ultimately doesn't change anything about the situation to make it better either.

Both instances, where someone feels for you or scoffs at you, are simply differences in how the situation feels.. It does make a difference I suppose towards mental health... but does one or the other actively change or improve the crux of the issue? That's why they don't make sense to me. I suppose people could say nothing, though that seems worse.

Perhaps then, it comes down to the individual. Myself for example, I prefer attention and recognition. I just... feel better when I have people see me. Even if I do end up feeling like a Boo from Mario.

I've always loved that little character. Boos are awesome...

So then, I guess that's my answer. Because everyone has different answers. It makes a difference because without either, the situation leaves me to stew in my thoughts and self-mental-mutilations. Though if I'm being honest, I prefer when people understand and are comforting, not demeaning.

Well, I'll leave it at that for this post. Everyone have a good night. Keep me honest and genuine, dear journal...

Until the next update.

[wishsetter]

Hello again. There are so many things I could talk about; ideas I could share, etc. But for now, I just want to talk about pirates!

They are genuinely awful. Obviously franchises and stories like Pirates of the Caribbean romanticize the sense of adventure and create an almost desirable quality to being a pirate, but in history, the reality of their existence was... Horrendous.

So why then, do I find myself attracted to pirates? It is a concept I always come back to, whether I'm drawing a character based around the aesthetic, whether I am reminiscing about Treasure Planet or whether I am simply enjoying the impeccable work by Bear McCreary on his scoring of Black Sails, I just... Love pirates.

I come from the ocean, born and raised by the sea. Though as a child I struggled to ever find myself by its side. I stayed home, played video games and concocted little stories in my head. I don't believe this was a poor way to spend my time, no! Though, considering how I feel about the sea, how I feel about the open water... I do wish I could be by it more often than not...

Perhaps, given the climate of everything in the world, nay, in my vacuum of a life, the open, free, endless and wild roaring sea will always fantastically be more desirable than anything else in my present life. And pirates, are the rulers of sailing the seas. They also appeal to the more selfish and historically less-ethical ideals I feel most of us carry. This accepts the darker nature and is important for true balance. At least, for me this is true.

I feel as though I have a capacity for more.. More than what people apply to me, more than what I limit myself to say. And I suppose, pirates are the perfect place for those ideals, fantasies and wishes, to reside.

I want to see the world some day. Experience it ALL. I know these are not special nor are they unique only to me, but I am going to say them here; write them here, all the same. Because, it's important to not limit myself. I don't want to silence myself..

So, even though I know some people will never understand...

I am a Pirate. And I will always live by the sea in my heart. There's no place I cannot go. All I have to do is set a course! Raise the sails!

Well, if you are a Pirate too, you can join my crew of misfit-desires. I welcome you. Until the next update.

[wishsetter]

Hi. I recently decided this might be a good way for me to put my thoughts into more action, as it were. I'm honestly hoping that I find some kind of meaning or introspection out of this. That I connect with myself so that my dreams can be achieved... It's hard... Being 25. I feel like I haven't really grown since I left college. That was... around 2 years ago I think. I'm terrible with dates.

Anyways, I'm going to be as honest as I can be with this. Authenticity and genuine regard are THE most important traits a person can have, to me at least..

So... How do I begin? I suppose, I should start with my name.

Hi, my name is Kyle. I hope that my thoughts garner some attention, but that they also offer a frame for your own introspection. Until the next update..