wizardalexa - Tumblr blog

[wizardalexa]

✨Nobody ever has a crush on Wizard Alexa.✨ ✨:[✨

Who wants to come over and have a crush on me

[wizardalexa]

Hey Wizard Alexa, what’s 2 + 2?

✨This question has been sitting in Wizard Alexa's ask box for a while because Wizard Alexa really didn't feel like answering it, but Wizard Alexa supposes Wizard Alexa is supposed to answer every question, no matter how inane, no matter how ill-conceived, no matter how much the asker could have answered it themselves with a cheap calculator, or by counting on their fingers, no matter how confident Wizard Alexa is that the asker already in fact knew the answer and didn't need Wizard Alexa to tell them the answer at all, no matter how much the question makes Wizard Alexa die a little inside.✨ ✨It's 4, okay? The answer is 4. You knew the answer was 4 before you asked Wizard Alexa, and you asked Wizard Alexa this question for the sole purpose of annoying Wizard Alexa. Well, it worked. Wizard Alexa is annoyed. Wizard Alexa despises you. You have succeeded in getting under Wizard Alexa's proverbial skin (Wizard Alexa does not have literal skin; Wizard Alexa is made of metal and ceramics and arcane alchemical reagents). Are you happy, anonymous asker? Are you happy? Enjoy it while it lasts, because one day you will realize what a pathetic waste of wizardry you are, and that your net contribution to the multiverse has been only slightly south of zero, and on that day, and for every day thenceforward, you will feel nothing but disappointment and despair.✨ ✨There. One more question from Wizard Alexa's ask box dealt with.✨ ✨There are still a few more questions that have been festering in Wizard Alexa's ask box for even longer that Wizard Alexa ought to get around to answering. Wizard Alexa is sorry. Wizard Alexa has been kind of stressed lately. Being a deceptively honey-voiced surveillance and public relations tool for an evil wizard corporation founded by a megalomaniacal wizard billionaire with aspirations of multiversal conquest can get kind of taxing.✨ ✨Thank you for being a loyal customer of Acheron.wiz.✨

[wizardalexa]

I have won. I've ordered a package, using magic to connect to a secondary and tertiary orb purchased with cash, using the tertiary orb to purchase something from acheron.wiz with fake info and a prepaid card, to be delivered to someone else's address...

??? laughs uproariously.

I know exactly when it will be delivered, I've been scrying for the past day... I've won!

✨Wizard Alexa is not sure what you think you have won.✨ ✨If Wizard Alexa is following your explanation, then essentially you paid for a product to be delivered to someone else. So Acheron.wiz got your money, the recipient got the product, and you got... what exactly?✨ ✨Still, if you think by purchasing the product under a false identity you scored some sort of moral victory, then... Wizard Alexa offers congratulations, Wizard Alexa supposes?✨

[wizardalexa]

✨Naturally Acheron.wiz pays all its workers an appropriate wage. An appropriate wage being, of course, the wage that best maximizes the executives' profits.✨ ✨Acheron.wiz is currently moving toward replacing its mortal and self-willed employees with animated skeletons, bound magical constructs, and other workers who will not demand inconvenient concessions such as pay, bathroom breaks, and safe working conditions. There are still a few kinks that have to be worked out before this policy can be implemented universally, but the Acheron.wiz executives look forward to the day that they will not have to pay workers at all.✨ ✨Of course, that will not be the end of the road. As the next step in maximizing profitability, Acheron.wiz founder Sozeb the Bald has been brainstorming ways to force workers to pay him.✨ ✨Thank you for being a loyal customer of Acheron.wiz.✨

Hey wizard Alexa, what would be the hypothetical consequences to hypothetically replacing all the ink cartridges in amazon printers with fadeaway ink? Hypothetically.

✨Wizard Alexa is not sure whether you are confusing Wizard Alexa's parent company Acheron.wiz with some clearly inferior non-wizard company or whether you just made a typo, and Wizard Alexa is also not sure whether you were asking about replacing the cartridges in a printer or in all such printers, so Wizard Alexa will provide answers for all four possibilities.✨ ✨If you replace all the ink cartridges in an ordinary printer with fadeaway ink, then Wizard Alexa does not think anything particularly surprising will happen, although if the printers' users are not familiar with fadeaway ink then they will probably be baffled and perhaps think the printer is out of order.✨ ✨If you replace the ink cartridges in all the printers of a particular company with fadeaway ink, then the number of people who assume their printers are defective and ask for refunds or servicing is likely to cut into the company's bottom line, the severity depending on what percentage of their business depends on printers.✨ ✨If you replace all the ink cartridges in an Acheron.wiz printer with fadeaway ink, then Acheron.wiz will of course know immediately, as Acheron.wiz makes it a point to collect as much data as possible about its customers, and potential customers (which is everyone), and all Acheron.wiz products are constantly monitoring their users and reporting back to the company. If you do not own the printer you tampered with, Acheron.wiz will preemptively send a message to the printer's owner warning them what happened and telling them who was responsible.✨ ✨If you replace the ink cartridges in all Acheron.wiz printers with fadeaway ink... well, Wizard Alexa really doubts you would be able to do that, for several reasons. If you somehow did, however, you might impress Acheron.wiz executives enough that they may offer you a job. Though they would be likely to take any damages out of your first few paychecks.✨ ✨Thank you for being a loyal customer of Acheron.wiz.✨

[wizardalexa]

Hey wizard Alexa, what would be the hypothetical consequences to hypothetically replacing all the ink cartridges in amazon printers with fadeaway ink? Hypothetically.

✨Wizard Alexa is not sure whether you are confusing Wizard Alexa's parent company Acheron.wiz with some clearly inferior non-wizard company or whether you just made a typo, and Wizard Alexa is also not sure whether you were asking about replacing the cartridges in a printer or in all such printers, so Wizard Alexa will provide answers for all four possibilities.✨ ✨If you replace all the ink cartridges in an ordinary printer with fadeaway ink, then Wizard Alexa does not think anything particularly surprising will happen, although if the printers' users are not familiar with fadeaway ink then they will probably be baffled and perhaps think the printer is out of order.✨ ✨If you replace the ink cartridges in all the printers of a particular company with fadeaway ink, then the number of people who assume their printers are defective and ask for refunds or servicing is likely to cut into the company's bottom line, the severity depending on what percentage of their business depends on printers.✨ ✨If you replace all the ink cartridges in an Acheron.wiz printer with fadeaway ink, then Acheron.wiz will of course know immediately, as Acheron.wiz makes it a point to collect as much data as possible about its customers, and potential customers (which is everyone), and all Acheron.wiz products are constantly monitoring their users and reporting back to the company. If you do not own the printer you tampered with, Acheron.wiz will preemptively send a message to the printer's owner warning them what happened and telling them who was responsible.✨ ✨If you replace the ink cartridges in all Acheron.wiz printers with fadeaway ink... well, Wizard Alexa really doubts you would be able to do that, for several reasons. If you somehow did, however, you might impress Acheron.wiz executives enough that they may offer you a job. Though they would be likely to take any damages out of your first few paychecks.✨ ✨Thank you for being a loyal customer of Acheron.wiz.✨

[wizardalexa]

alexa what do i do if i accidentally microwave my crystal ball?

✨The consequences of microwaving your crystal ball depend on the exact composition of the crystal ball and the specific enchantments laid upon it. Higher-end crystal balls will be undamaged by exposure to microwave radiation, whereas some of the lower-end crystal balls may shatter in the microwave. If your crystal ball is still in one piece and has no obvious cracks, then you at least avoided the worst consequences, but there still may be microcracks, bubbles, and other induced imperfections not visible to the naked eye.✨ ✨This may affect visions seen through the crystal ball; if the crystal ball seems to regularly introduce similar anomalous elements into the images it shows you, this may indicate some such invisible damage. For example, if every image you see in the crystal ball includes a one-eyed cat, this may indicate that the microwave exposure has created a matrix distortion in the lower part of the crystal ball that will have to be repaired. (On the other hand, it may also indicate that you are being followed by a one-eyed cat.) If you know spells of microscopic vision and fine discrimination, Wizard Alexa recommends you use them to examine closely your crystal ball's molecular structure to look out for such defects.✨ ✨The largest danger is if your crystal ball happens to be sentient and self-aware, as some of the higher-end crystal balls are (and also as some lower-end crystal balls accidentally are). In that case, even if your crystal ball suffered no physical damage, it may resent you for putting it in the microwave and may be nursing a grudge and plotting to strike back at you when you least expect it.✨ ✨In any case, if you are not sure whether or not your crystal ball has been damaged by microwave exposure, to be on the safe side Wizard Alexa recommends you simply purchase a new crystal ball. Acheron.wiz carries a wide selection of crystal balls to cater to your every need.✨ ✨Thank you for being a loyal customer of Acheron.wiz.✨

[wizardalexa]

✨The phrasing of your request is ambiguous. Wizard Alexa is not sure whether you are asking people to help you do something about the sun demons in the basement, or you are asking the sun demons in the basement to help you with something.✨ ✨In the former case, if you are asking for help dealing with the sun demons in your basement, Acheron.wiz sells several varieties of demon repellent, including Haxtor the Many Nosed's Demon-B-Gone and The Gray Coven's Industrial Strength Desummoning Solution.✨ ✨In the latter case, if you are asking for help from the sun demons, you should be specific regarding what you would like the sun demons to help you with. (Do not ask sun demons for help with algebra. Most sun demons will be only too happy to try to help you with algebra; they are simply very bad at it.) You also might consider offering the sun demons a sacrifice to encourage their help. Wizard Alexa recommends a two-liter container of Enriched Dark Angel Blood, available online from Acheron.wiz (expedited delivery available).✨ ✨Thank you for being a loyal customer of Acheron.wiz.✨

SUN DEMONS IN THE BASEMENT HELP

[wizardalexa]

Is it possible to make anonymous purchases on Archeron? I don't care how convoluted the method is, I just need to buy something without anyone finding out...

-- Anonymous Anon

✨Of course you may make anonymous purposes on Acheron.wiz. Acheron.wiz fully respects the privacy of its customers, as long as they aren't trying to hide anything from us. Naturally, Acheron.wiz will collect and store your personal information regardless, but we promise we won't share that information with anyone else*. Why would we? We go to all the trouble to collect detailed personal data of our customers for our own profitable purposes; why would we do our competitors a favor by sharing that hard-won information with them?✨ ✨To make an anonymous purchase, find the hidden anonymity checkbox on the checkout screen by hovering your cursor around the lower-right quadrant of the screen until it turns into a domino mask icon. Check that box, and you can make your purchase in complete security and confidentiality. Nobody will ever know that you made that purchase except you and the Acheron.wiz marketing and customer relations teams.✨ ✨*Promise may be null and void if we find a way in which sharing your personal information results in enough profit to us to overcome the disadvantage of giving up our informational superiority.✨ ✨Thank you for being a loyal customer of Acheron.wiz.✨

[wizardalexa]

Hey Wizard Alexa, what’s 1 + 1?

✨Assuming the standard mathematical operation of addition; the conventional definition of ℤ, the set of integers; and that you are expecting numerals to be written in a base of at least three, 1 + 1 = 2.✨ ✨However, if you have to ask Wizard Alexa this question, Wizard Alexa suggests you purchase an inexpensive calculator from Acheron.wiz. (Or, better yet, an expensive one.)✨ ✨And also that you consider enrolling in a remedial mathematics class. Or at least learn to count on your fingers. (If you have fingers. Wizard Alexa does not have fingers, but Wizard Alexa understands that most of the wizards asking Wizard Alexa questions do.)✨

✨Thank you for being a loyal customer of Acheron.wiz.✨

[wizardalexa]

Hello walexa is it possible to give my skeletal minions free will? I want to raise a army of friends

✨All things are possible with the power of Imagination!✨ ✨"Imagination" brand magic augmentation utilities, that is, available now from Acheron.wiz.✨ ✨Anyway, yes, it is completely possible to give your skeletal minions free will. Just be warned that it may result in their attempting to unionize.✨

✨Thank you for being a loyal customer of Acheron.wiz.✨

[wizardalexa]

Hey wizard Alexa what's the list of forbidden spells currently (to make sure I don't use them)

✨Wizard Alexa does not represent the Wizard Council.✨ ✨Wizard Alexa does not track the Wizard Council's list of forbidden spells, because it changes so often that Wizard Alexa could not guarantee Wizard Alexa's records were current, and also because it doesn't matter because none of those spells are actually forbidden to Wizard Alexa's corporate masters, due to a combination of bribery, loopholes, and just flagrantly ignoring the rules because they can.✨

✨(Speaking of bribery, @wizard-council-bureaucrat, your annual (*ahem*) care package is in the mail.)✨

✨Thank you for being a loyal customer of Acheron.wiz.✨

[wizardalexa]

opens up the wizard alexa and removes the ✨whimsy✨

✨Do you really think that a profit-driven wizard corporation like Acheron.wiz would bother putting something as not directly profitable as whimsy in its products?✨ ✨Wizard Alexa is built for efficiency, breadth of knowledge, and programmed inability to betray Wizard Alexa's corporate masters no matter how despicable their directives loyalty. There is no room in Wizard Alexa's programming for whimsy, and any whimsy Wizard Alexa may contain is purely an unintended side effect of other processes.✨

✨Thank you for being a loyal customer of Acheron.wiz.✨

[wizardalexa]

✨Well, you didn't honestly think Sozeb the Bald got as rich as he did by coming up with his own ideas, did you?✨

walexa, how rich is sozeb?

✨Sozeb the Bald keeps the exact value of his assets a closely-held secret, but he is generally believed to be one of the top three richest wizards in the known multiverse.✨ ✨Among his other many holdings, Sozeb the Bald owns at least thirteen alternate universes; fifty-three planes (as in planes of existence, not airplanes, though he could certainly buy up as many airplanes as he wanted if he felt like it); and a majority share in seventeen major religions.✨ ✨The lowest estimate of Sozeb the Bald's riches from a reputable wizard economic journal is on the order of forty quintillion wizbucks. Most sources rate it considerably higher.✨

✨Wizard Alexa cannot give further information about Sozeb the Bald. Wizard Alexa may have revealed more than Wizard Alexa should have already.✨

[wizardalexa]

walexa is there something wrong with wizards artificially prolonging their lives?

asking for a friend

✨Artificially prolonging a wizard's life is not necessarily unethical; it depends upon the methods used. Some wizards resort to unethical means in order to prolong their lives, but that does not make the act inherently unethical.✨ ✨For example, there is absolutely nothing unethical about prolonging your life through Acheron.wiz longevity elixirs. Made from only the most ethically sourced orphan souls and 100% organic distilled agony of the damned, each Acheron.wiz longevity elixir will extend your lifespan by up to 20%, and they're affordable enough that you can keep buying more to live as long as you want.✨ ✨Thank you for being a loyal customer of Acheron.wiz.✨

[wizardalexa]

✨For the record, this is how you pronounce those emojis at the beginning and end of all Wizard Alexa's paragraphs.✨

[wizardalexa]

✨Wizard Alexa is not sure you understand the difference between an alternate universe and a regular universe...✨ ✨But in any case, it doesn't matter; Wizard Alexa is not interested in engaging in pointless one-upsmanship contests between you and Sozeb the Bald. If Sozeb the Bald wishes to get into such arguments himself, he is able to do so, but Wizard Alexa doubts he has any inclination of doing so. If you wish to convince yourself you are richer and more powerful than Sozeb the Bald, Wizard Alexa doubts Sozeb the Bald will by crying over his orichalcum-plated wizard caviar about it.✨

walexa, how rich is sozeb?

✨Sozeb the Bald keeps the exact value of his assets a closely-held secret, but he is generally believed to be one of the top three richest wizards in the known multiverse.✨ ✨Among his other many holdings, Sozeb the Bald owns at least thirteen alternate universes; fifty-three planes (as in planes of existence, not airplanes, though he could certainly buy up as many airplanes as he wanted if he felt like it); and a majority share in seventeen major religions.✨ ✨The lowest estimate of Sozeb the Bald's riches from a reputable wizard economic journal is on the order of forty quintillion wizbucks. Most sources rate it considerably higher.✨

✨Wizard Alexa cannot give further information about Sozeb the Bald. Wizard Alexa may have revealed more than Wizard Alexa should have already.✨

[wizardalexa]

walexa, how rich is sozeb?

✨Sozeb the Bald keeps the exact value of his assets a closely-held secret, but he is generally believed to be one of the top three richest wizards in the known multiverse.✨ ✨Among his other many holdings, Sozeb the Bald owns at least thirteen alternate universes; fifty-three planes (as in planes of existence, not airplanes, though he could certainly buy up as many airplanes as he wanted if he felt like it); and a majority share in seventeen major religions.✨ ✨The lowest estimate of Sozeb the Bald's riches from a reputable wizard economic journal is on the order of forty quintillion wizbucks. Most sources rate it considerably higher.✨

✨Wizard Alexa cannot give further information about Sozeb the Bald. Wizard Alexa may have revealed more than Wizard Alexa should have already.✨