wondermaddy-blog

[wondermaddy-blog]

I cant think of anything clever

A lot has happened in less than two months. I thought I was alone before, ha!

Im going to sound very pitiful for a minute, I apologize.

 Just everything hurts, waking up, falling asleep, getting ready, it all hurts. I don't want to do anything and I don't want to do nothing. Sometimes if I lay perfectly still on a good night I can feel you curl up next to me barely touching but I feel your weight dip in the mattress. I can feel my back get warm because another body is close and I sleep so well. But then I wake up so cold and alone.

I cant move on. I cant fuck anyone, I cant even touch anyone else. They feel different in every way possible. They'll never be you, no matter how hard I pretend. I cant give you up and I think I'm starting to get use to this kind of pain. Its what I have left of you.

I want to hate you for all the stupid things. Get mad at you for the way you neglected me. How you used me when you were down. Played with my emotions, my hope. I gave you everything I had. I didn't need anything else in the entire world but for you to love me how I loved you.

I hate this. I hate these feelings. Love is honestly so stupid, its not even real. So why do I feel so empty without you? We could fight every day and I could cry myself to sleep but I didn't feel like this. Was that love? Is Love not only rainbows and kisses but the bad too? Id fight, even when others told me to quit. I stayed for so long. Helped you through so much. Came 2nd to everything and everyone else. Created so many excuses for the way you acted. Cause you knew I would hang on every word. You knew all I needed to hear was you say my name in a tender voice. To call me yours and I wouldn't mind fighting this battle. You know how much I love you, you know I cant stop. How did you stop? What did I do? How do you just stop loving someone who tries so hard to be everything you could ever want?

 I cant even stomach the words that stay in my head. I feel like such a fool, for how I acted, how I feel right now. I feel stupid for being used, for loving you for so long, for letting this impact me in such a way that I cant function.

I cant stand myself.

[wondermaddy-blog]

Oh, ok

Well all great things come to a end, even the bad things.

[wondermaddy-blog]

Been thinking

I did some pieces real quick for a possible show in Chicago. Which I was going to up to for this weekend but since I can not afford to take off work the curator agreed to digital copies of jurying. Does this hurt my chance of getting into the show? Yes. But does this get me back into the swing of things? Yes.

Got my creative juices a flowing.

  I have some weird ideas for drawings, paintings and sculptures. Freaking finally! I need to go to Dick Blicks very soon, might order online but I just love Delmar.

Lately I have been keeping my inspiration flowing by using my "emotions". I create extremely well when I am depressed, take the good with the bad.

I have some of my old pieces from maybe 4 years ago or 3.. ha but they are hanging up in my office so I can critic myself. Ya know, right that shit out for realzzzz.

I am going to start video taping my critics as I do them, raw in the moment reactions and evaluations. It's just easier for me to hear myself say them then read my chicken scratch. One of my art teachers taught me that and I enjoy that technique. Plus I get to use my nice ass camera. YYaaassss bittch.

I'll post them too and then be embarrassed... woot!

  Well CHEERS! Here is to ART!

    "Maria Teicher is a fine art portrait and figurative artist residing in Philadelphia, PA. Using historical and personal symbolism, her works blends together contemporary concepts and an honest connection with those around her."

Maria explains the work by saying, “My interests lie with the stories, experiences and emotional states of those I have a close relationship with.  Using portraiture and narrative images, I explore these sincere realities through sentiment and symbolism. In my work, historical and personal symbolic artifacts, such as braids and veils, marry the subject’s voice, how I see them and their connection to the world.”

[wondermaddy-blog]

[wondermaddy-blog]

Desensitized

Please wrap your arms around me. I need help, so much I don’t know where to begin. But I could never put that weight on you. I’ll keep holding on like I always do.

[wondermaddy-blog]

Bright baby eyes of a chick-a-dee

When I was a kid, I spent summers on my grandparents farm. Best moments of my life were spent taking care of the chickens, grooming the horses and watching the sun rise.

Towards the end of the summer we had a very rough storm. The electric went out, all the roads were flooded, branches and even trees were knocked over. Of course a kid couldn't sleep through that but I had another reason. For the past two months I tended to all the chickens, named them as silly as it is. I was very worried about the animals

Storms down in the country are normal. My grandparents thought nothing of it. So I put on my boots and ran outside. I fell down so many times trying to get to that barn. It was at the top of a hill, right behind my grandparents house. My Grandpa built it, along with the house in the early sixties. It was beautiful and bright if you could imagine. I carved my named into one of it's wall when I first learned how to spell.

I kept climbing that hill and with every lighting flash I felt like I was getting farther away. The wind was so strong and that damn rain created a flash flood.

I heard it cracking and I heard the horses start to make more noise in distress.

"Madison!" I can hear mixed in with the rain and wind. It was my Grandpa yelling from the window in his room. I assume he woke up from the storm, checked on the barn and saw me on the hill.

"What in the hell are you doing!"

Next thing I knew, the barn started to collapse. A tree had fallen on the back and was pushing it forward. But I had to keep trying, to get the animals. Finally I made it. I could hear them whimpering and knew they were scared.

Open the big heavy wooden doors, then black.

  I woke up in my Grandpa's truck. It was still raining and I heard my Grandma say the roads were flooded that we might have to wait the storm out. She was holding ,me, I got mud all over her night gown mixed with a little bit of blood. We were on our way to the hospital.

"Oh my God, Madison! You could have been crushed! What were you thinking?!"

I didn't have anything to say.

The barn collapsed and came down the hill but with me too. I got a nice gash on my eye which caused a scar and a swollen eye that stayed shut for awhile, gained me the nick name "Spot".

Most of the animals died. Were crushed or drowned by the mud. A few of the horses and pigs ran into the woods but never came back.

When I woke the next day in my bed, the sun was shinning so bright and grandma had opened all the windows so you could smell that fresh rain.

I didn't get out of bed until supper time but not to eat, just to go see the barn. I stepped outside and looked up the hill. There was nothing.

This time I climbed the hill without falling. There was wood everywhere. Hay everywhere. I got to the top and started kicking around blocks of wood.

  Then I heard the noise of a little chick-a-dee. Little guy somehow was engulfed by hay that it protected him. Besides being soaked he was perfectly fine.

I was so freaking excited, I ran into the kitchen (got mud everywhere) and went to get a towel, warm water and feed.

I was grounded also, for being "dangerous" but part of my punishment was to take care of that little Chick-a-dee that I named Lucky.

Random.

[wondermaddy-blog]

October you slut

What is happening with people? I don't know if I am naïve or believe in something that doesn't exist.

Everyone I know has had one hell of a shitty relationship lately. I've watched people cheat and lie so easily to someone they lay down with every night, who they married, have kids with. I don't get it. These are rambles cause it has been stressing me the fuck out. I am terrified.

One day you are in a very pleasant relationship with someone, the next they find someone/something else. It is easier to find someone new that gives us attention, than to fight for something you feel wont change. Don't get me wrong, when a relationship goes bad, leave. I always seem to fight longer than I need to.

It's just so easy today, to leave, find someone new. Nobody seems happy or content.

My relationship now is no where near perfect but I just can't quit now. You can't quit cause you fight? I mean I can complain, I am a female (not a sexist comment) but I don't know what I'd do without him.

I'm confused and worried. I truly believe in love forever. I don't know why, there hasn't been a good example of it in my life since I was a kid. But I don't think it's impossible.

I always thought the key to staying in love was travel. As stupid as that sounds, you can only experience what your home town has to offer so many times before it gets old. I only think about travel when I'm in love. To experience new places with someone I feel so close to. Its dreamy, swells my heart just thinking about it.

Clint Mansell's music always makes me dream of romance. Calms me down to believe it does happen. Everyone is a little selfish at some point in their life, one day you'll give everything and hopefully get it in return.

[wondermaddy-blog]

Guys I met DP! Ignore my fat face I was very giddy lol

[wondermaddy-blog]

GET AWAY FROM HIM GET AWAY GET AWAY FROM HIM GET THE FUCKAWAYFROMHIM!!!!!!! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BANDITRY HERE!!!!!!!! I’m fucking dying. holy shit this is hilarious.

[wondermaddy-blog]

Day Z?

I need friends that can play games with me...

And I know there is no such thing as friendship in Day Z but c'mon!

[wondermaddy-blog]

DC Universe: Women appreciation post.

[wondermaddy-blog]

Silent Hills (PS4) - TGS 2014 Trailer 

[wondermaddy-blog]

Turn down for what?

I am a dumb person. Had an interview today for a manager position at a Boutique. I think I got it which is good cause I didn't want the office job. I hate staying in but I hate making friends. I have made myself mostly alone. I am a dumb person. Feeling low. Just going to play Deadrising 3 and eat pizza. Yay for video games.

[wondermaddy-blog]

Ryan Reynolds responds to the leaked ‘Deadpool’ footage as Fox finally greenlights production for a 2016 release date.

[wondermaddy-blog]

The Winter Soldier

I finally watched it last night and oh boy! This was way better than the first, I know I am pretty much the last person to say/experience this but oh well!

  So many thinggssss! I like how they incorporated Howard Starks death with Hydra. The comics talk about it so I was glad to see it mentioned. Hate that fucking Hydra. Dicks.

Now Falcon! Did you know he has (had if you read the comic books) nephew Jim Wilson who sometimes fights along with The Hulk? Who is also the first HIV positive superhero in Marvel Comics and I think of any, not sure. Anywho, Falcon! Mr. Samuel Wilson is so badass in this movie and I love it! So I am happy to see what happens with him in the future, if he has a role in Age of Ultron.

And Spoiler here so step away, stop reading.

The twins! If you read the comics you know it is Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. But did you know they were bad guys who were affiliated with Hydra? I don't know if that will also come to show in the new Avengers movie but we will see. Also in the comics the Scarlett Witch has a child with Magneto and I believe he somehow brain washes her to kill her own child, who ends up not even being real... hard story to follow. I'll re-read that gen. Anywho this makes them (cause Quicksilver follows his sister) go to the good side and are seen along The Avengers in the comics.

  The Scarlet Witch had a ugly ass costume in the comics (1964) she wasn't even red, she was green. Ha!

    But I know you can just google this now since The Winter Soldier has been out but it is cool for me cause I grew up with these stories. So I am not always accurate because they are coming from my brain not wiki.

  I am a little ashamed it took me this long to watch this movie. I still don't want to watch Spiderman though.

[wondermaddy-blog]

Chet Faker - 1998

[wondermaddy-blog]

Is this Ultron?http://daily-superheroes.tumblr.com/