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Moments

I thought we were doing well... As a "happy" family that is. We have disputes and disagreements, just as other families do. But it's when he comes into my room and says that she's "stupid" or "useless"... Mum isn't, it's just easier to not tell him things and sort things out on our own. But today, the memories came flooding back. The arguments, the constant arguments. Dad has always been odd. That's the only way I can describe it to other people, but it's more than odd. I was really young when dad became more like this, so horribly, I'm use to it... When he lost his job and money was tight, that's when everything turned. I'm incredibly surprised that mum stay with him; she had the choice. His mood swings were unbearable, so I tried to stay out the way. When I cried I tried not to make a sound; bury my head into a blanket, then after a minute grabbing a tissue and making it look like I hadn't cried at all. That's what I did today, I hadn't felt like this in years. Worrying about money problems again, when in fact I'm still a child. Worrying about if this is a safe place to live. Whether this is fair to everyone... I felt like a little kid again, wanting to hide forever and making every one forget about me. Sometimes I want to be the invisible girl.

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Hurt

Yesterday was an unexpected trip of all emotions. All morning I was anxious as well as excited about my friend’s 16th birthday party. The reason for being anxious is that I hadn’t been around many people for a while as it’s the summer holiday. During the whole evening it was fun, at the time I thought I was having a great time but when I actually came to think about it afterwards, I felt like my privacy had been violated. I know that they’re my friends and I allowed them to know a lot about me, this just took it to the next level…

Maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s because I’m not use to socialising at the moment but when my best friend took my phone and started going through my messages to my boyfriend, I felt dishonoured. The messages weren’t sexual or revealing, just a normal conversation but they took it out completely of context.

And the major thing was that I had no idea what to do or say – which to be extremely honest, was the worst thing to do in this situation – I didn’t know whether to take the phone back or tell them to shut up. One thing that I am sure about though is that my feelings have been shot.

When I finally crawled into bed, I was so upset and hurt. I had never felt like this before and I felt like I could trust no one ever again. I also don’t know whether to tell them how I felt because I have never told them how I feel when they pick on me – I just bottle it up and carry on like everything is absolutely fine – that’s how I always will be...

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Holiday

You always think you’ll have the time of your life on holiday, but in reality it’s just a break from normality; not that I hate holidays at all.

At the beginning of the month, I went on my first holiday without my parents. My best friend and her mum took me to the sea side. I see my friend’s mother as a substitute mother, so it was exactly like going away with family, just it was a little different to what I’m used to.

It was lie-ins, relaxed days and a house, whereas I’m used to getting up at the crack of dawn, busy before the tourist attractions are overwhelmed with visitors and camping. To be honest, even only experiencing how most people holiday once, I think I prefer our way. Although I would love to do holiday like that again – now I know what to expect.

[worrypot-blog]

Prom

I never thought that I would find prom saddening; the end of two years that I wouldn't change for the world. It was as I looked across the room of the people that I've been in school with over the years, how much everyone has grown in the past two years and who we will become in the future.

Even when I looked at the people that I dislike (hate, more like), I knew I would miss them… I hated feeling this way, the evening was supposed to be celebrating the time we have had together, the achievements and problems we have overcome.

I liked to think that we've changed for the better, but you know that there are some people that are horrible and always be that way.

At one point in the evening I found myself fake smiling. I wanted to be happy and enjoy the time with everyone but I hate change. I had just gotten used to the way we did things, the same jokes and the similar drama between the different ‘friend’ groups. I’m just glad that are group never had drama because we felt like a family that understood each other no matter what happened.

I just hope that this change won’t be terrifying but I’m sure it will be challenging.

Good luck me.

[worrypot-blog]

Parents

They are the ones that you depend on, the ones that care for you and will love you no matter what. I will never be able to explain to my mum and dad how much I love them and appreciate them. I always want to be there for them as they have been with me. I couldn’t live without them; they’ve taught me so much about life. I don’t know where I would be without them…

I found out how mum and dad met today, I knew the basic story but today allowed me to know what actually happened. I can’t help but think how incredibly sweet it is and how I wouldn’t be here if specific things hadn’t have happened.

I am so grateful of them and amazed with the things they have gone through, mostly for me…

I love them more than they could ever know, even with the fights and disagreements, I will always love them.

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Bordom

Having nothing to do and not wanting to find anything to do is how my life is at this current moment. I have two exams left and lets face it, the last one will be simple. But the history, that will be harder... It’s a good thing that I enjoy history. On the other hand I’m so glad I’m not doing it next year as an A-level. I don’t know whether I’m dreading next year or looking forward to it.

It will be an adventure either way.

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Talking part 2

Because I find it incredibly difficult to talk to people, I find it difficult to tell people close to me how I actually feel. I’m finding it difficult to even say this…

Why do I do this? Why can’t I just explain to people my real opinions? I always kick myself when I don’t.

I think I’m working on it though, I’ve managed to finally tell my boyfriend how much he means to me and why I love him so much. I thought I wouldn’t be able to do that. Granting, it was over text but at least I told him.

I honestly feel better for it.

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The past year

I must be the happiest I have been in a long time; life at home is great and school life is good. This school year has been a roller-coaster, not only has this been my final GCSE year, it’s been a year of new friends and new opportunities. I’ve enjoyed this year so much, I don’t want it to end in a way, but then I can’t wait for it to finish and see what next year brings.

I think I’ve grown a lot in these past few months. I’ve gone out of my comfort zone and made new friends – actually talking to people – who’d think it? And I found the courage to have a boyfriend. I found it difficult to open up, as I always do with new people, but he managed to get my feelings out quickly and I didn’t question it. That’s when I realised that I trusted him and wanted him in my life…

Then four months into a seemingly perfect relationship, I found out he cheated on me… I knew that he felt incredibly sorry from the moment I found out it was true. I honestly couldn’t believe what a state I was in, I must have cried a lot, he means everything to me. So after two weeks, I had to see him to talk about it, at the end of the day we were one again. I love him, I really do. I know he would never do anything like that again and if he did, that would defiantly be the last time I saw him.

As I said this past school year has been a roller-coaster with its ups and downs, but honestly I’m glad all this has happened, I wouldn’t be the person I am otherwise.

[worrypot-blog]

Talking

Sometimes I feel so lonely for no reason... I have a great family and amazing friends, it's just sometimes I don't know what to say to them. I never know how to tell them my feelings or my opinions. I've always been that girl that's known for being quiet and unsociable, and that's me down to a T. Talking isn't a strong point for me, friends say that I'm a great listener but a terrible adviser, but for now I'm okay with that. I just wish that I wasn't always like it....

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Thoughts and feelings

I always start with "I don't know", I think of it as a bad habit of mine. But to be very truthful, I have no clue... I'm not saying that I don't want to be on this earth anymore, I'm just sick of the boring routine; how everything in my life is, well, shit. I suppose that's the stereotype teenage girl for you and I probably am. It's just I feel like sometimes I'm on my own. I'm useless at explaining how I'm feeling when I'm talking. I like to keep my worries internal and not to make others worry; this is how I feel I have been brought up. You see my dad is, well, the only way I can describe him is dad is being dad - see I said that I'm not good at explaining - and the way I have found to not agitate him is to stay as quiet as possible. He's never hit me or mum for that matter, it's just that I can't stand his shouting. I remember when I was younger, curling up into a ball squeezing my teddy so tightly that if he had been alive I would have committed murder... When I was little I was scared of many things but the thing that scared me the most was dad. It's still a love-hate relationship, I love him unconditionally because he's my father but at times I really can't stand him.