writetocelebrate

[writetocelebrate]

Sobering

I told you of heartbreaks. I read you their absurd, young words– The words which proved the warnings my father gave, And in them you found insecurity in yourself.

I shared the things which harmed me. I told you of their toxic privileges– The privileges which they abused as society allows, And in them you found jealousy for my past.

You heard my pain. You saw the confusion– The confusion carefully and yet carelessly inflicted upon me, And you believed me reminiscent of all I wish had not happened.

I hear your words. I see you work yourself up– You work yourself up romanticizing my damage, And I wonder what you’d like to do to me too.

Originally written August 25, 2022

[writetocelebrate]

What's Left?

I am from a tobacco-tainted womb. From habits and carelessness. I am from the best efforts of my parents, A disappointing attempt to raise me. I am from the survival of my sister, The traits that escaped her abuse.

I am from grit and hope. From fear and searching I am from prison and freedom And from overwhelming self-awareness.

I’m from “Don’t do that” and “Don’t tell our business.” And “You’re not bad.” I’m from commercialized holidays. I’m from the South and an awakening generation. Daughter of a misogynist and failed feminist. From the romance in army training. Memorialized in once-cherished photos Probably hidden in favor of those of her replacement.

Originally written March 9, 2023

[writetocelebrate]

Autism at College

I didn’t see I was overwhelmed. I said everyone else felt the same. I thought I was doing well. I had no idea it started the moment I came.

Everything was new. I had little familiar to be of comfort. I wish I had a clue That my brain’s circuits were about to short.

My recollections leave me saddened. I fell apart before I could even see. The dreams I was about to make happen Were about to become just fantasy.

I blamed my losses on faith and sin, But that’s not even where they began. My mind was occupied and panicking Because that’s just the way I am.

Originally written June 27, 2023

[writetocelebrate]

Would We?

If we met again, would you recognize me? Would you be curious if I’d changed? Would I seem to be the same in different packaging?

If I saw you again, would I fear interacting? Would I know the judgment behind your eyes? Would I see the kindness I once knew when we were young?

If we shared the same space, would you approach me? Would it cross your mind to walk my way? Or would your instinct lead you to steer clear?

If you were across the room, would I try? Would I risk my ego to utter a greeting? Would I hold back and stay away to make the call yours?

If we never met again, would you be grateful? Would you wish it had always been so? Would I ever forget we ever had?

(Originally written April 15, 2023)

[writetocelebrate]

I Tried

“When you say you aren’t good enough I’m starting to believe you.”

  My heart broke that instant while I sat in your lap as you said those words.  I know I told you that at times thinking I was trying to convince you I wasn’t enough.  I never believed you would believe me.  I realize years later I was trying to convince you to get me help.  I needed you to help me see differently and to intervene so I could get better.  I didn’t know how to ask that, and I took for granted your earlier promise to marry me one day.

  When you spoke those words, I knew the timer had begun to tick backwards on us.  It was officially “when” and not “if” we would end.  I wanted desperately to reverse the clock back and undo the damage my illness and obsession had done.  I felt frozen in place and powerless to change the state I was in.  I wish I could have said “help” instead of try to tough it out.

  The truth is I was always good enough, and you could see it longer than I could.  It was my illness that stole that and my ability to love you as you deserved.

(Originally written September 2, 2023)

[writetocelebrate]

6 Words

Her inner life blocked everything else.

He found her.  She remained lost.

How had she fooled them all?

Her mind trapped her inside herself.

He forgave her.  She wouldn’t forget.

Why’d they leave when they saw?

Her conscience smothered all her hope.

He released her.  Her chains remained.

Who would see through her design?

Her psyche kept her all alone.

He joined her where she was.

How would she receive His love?

(Originally written April 6, 2023)

[writetocelebrate]

3 Steps

Reminisce.  Revisit.  Recover?

Change.  Rethink.  Heal?

Blame.  Forgive.  Grow?

Reimagine.  Remain.  Return?

Repress.  Address.  Accept?

Deny.  Justify.  Rectify?

Grieve.  Integrate.  Reprieve?

(Originally written April 16, 2023)

[writetocelebrate]

Worn

Weaving in and out of the lace,

Its intricate design trapping,

One wrong move makes for disaster.

Untie the ribbon, shiny and smooth.

No double knotting, it will fall loose.

The yarn unravels, can’t stay in place.

You can’t count on the materials.

(They’re not meant to hold you together.)

Patches come unglued;

Their hems will rip.

Fabric broken falls apart again.

They can’t be mended when

The materials have torn.

Throw it away;

Find a new pattern.

Richer clothes may take longer to wear down.

The old is ruined;

Just give it up.

New is better.

Unless you want to labor,

Avoiding the inevitable.

Patched up, resewn, reworked–

It’s still the same.

It’s still used and worn–barely holding.

(Originally written March 3, 2006)

[writetocelebrate]

My Waco

Dreams of pirouettes

Sitting on bridges,

Watching silhouettes.

Follow the sunshine

To get to the end of the rain.

Waiting for life to bring who you are.

Catch the wings just to fly away.

Challenges to what they travel,

How could you find the patches in the dark?

Where is the sweetness they promise?

Dreams of sautèes and pirouettes,

Sitting on bridges,

Watching their silhouettes.

Can you hear the ducks cry?

Strumming those strings,

Kapo on the necks.

Closed off, the guitar is mute.

No songs playing,

The choreography is choked.

Where are the dreams of pirouettes,

The bridges cloaked in silhouettes?

(Why have you gone)

(Originally written March 1, 2006)

[writetocelebrate]

I don't know

Trivial words falling down on this page,

They mean nothing, if I should say.

I want the truth to come.

Out of my mouth there is none.

The truth I hope to find,

So I may no longer be out of my mind.

I know too much to be absolved;

My own mind’s puzzle has been solved.

I cannot trust it, don’t know what’s real.

All that is, is what causes me this to feel.

My own feelings I no longer know,

For alternate plans begin to show.

For some time, I knew what was up,

But now, there’s no reason I should trust.

I can’t believe; it’s so hard to discern

If these are true emotions or just backed by hidden plans.

I see, now, I trust no one.

I no longer trust myself.

I’ve always tried to trust them but failed.

Now it’s my own thoughts I’d like to bail.

(Originally written 2000-2002)

[writetocelebrate]

Refined

You’ll make beauty of these ashes,

But what ever got burned up?

I thought You refine us by cooking away the bad

And leaving what’s left in us of good.

Why should our remains be found

To be beautiful instead of just as they are?

If You turn the char into something pretty,

How will they know You pulled us from a fire?

Why should the phoenix be a symbol we yearn for

When we’re meant to look up to You?

(Originally written April 15, 2023)

[writetocelebrate]

Your Climate

The storm raging inside is your power rising up.

Let it open its gates and cleanse the wounds you guard.

You don’t owe yourself to keep the trauma

Locked up like a shameful stowaway.

It sits in your chest, taking up the cavity meant for air.

The cage is for your vitals not to encapsulate you in fear.

Let it rise; let it fall.

Let yourself out and feel it all.

Don’t stop there.

It’s not enough to bawl and scream.

Give each one time to be; accept them.

They warn you, inform you.

Name them, forgive them.

Release them and make room for your own breath.

Allow your shoulders to drop, your jaw to release.

Let it bubble out and blow away like dandelions on a wish.

Sigh out the anchors that bound you.

Feel yourself washed clean.

You turn away temptations to chase them,

These highs and lows of the internal monsoons.

When you make amends for the hurts which you’ve reprised over and over again,

You’ll find new pressure systems and recognize you’re finally you.

And you have reclaimed your power for yourself

Not to create your devastation again.

(Originally written April 5, 2022)

[writetocelebrate]

First Trauma

I accepted the act when it began.

It was in the aftermath when I broke.

Our safegard had failed,

And you informing me was like a falling brick.

You rushed to comfort me.

It was in your arms again when I put on the mask.

All my fears materialized,

And your embrace could not put me back on track.

The pros left me wanting when we arrived.

Their protests and condescension drove the broken pieces further in.

The backup came with a price I was too slow to realize,

And you did your best to comfort my breaking heart.

I had not processed all that happened

Before we were several steps down the road.

My incoming obsession did nothing

To stop the cracks in my mind from your revelation in the aftermath.

(Originally written August 18, 2023)

[writetocelebrate]

It Says

She wants to be noticed, says her closet of bright colored clothes and silver dress.

She cares for many people, say her pictures neatly put away in her yearbook.

Her friends mean the world to her, say the piles of notes in her drawer.

Her life centers around others, say the many things she writes while in her room.

She cares too much what others think, say the millions of tears that have burned through her pillow.

She knows how her mind and heart work, say her poems on her wall and in notebooks.

She only can express her thoughts and emotions (in writing), says the phone on which she is silent.

She is honestly scared of the world, says her door which is always shut.

Something is finally going right, says the mirror in which she looks smiling.

God is starting to hear her prayers, says her Bible that has thankful verses underlined.

She is becoming more open to the world, says her window more often open.

Her life is better, says the meaning she is beginning to find in her heart.

(Originally written 2001/2002)

[writetocelebrate]

Decades Later

Eighteen years have passed.

We’ve made our own families and made new lives.

I thought we’d know each other as friends by now.

Instead, it’s as if we’d never met at all.

Eighteen years have passed.

I still have the scar in my knee from that night in my car.

It reminds me of the connection that seemed could never fade.

Instead, it’s just this mark beneath my skin.

Eighteen years have passed.

I remember our goodbye like a scene from a horror story.

I was sure it could not be real and that I would never recover.

Instead, I found a way to move on.

Eighteen years have passed.

I’ve fallen in and out of love and fought for others.

My soul found wounds that nearly out-did those of losing you.

Instead, it was just me breaking myself on others.

Eighteen years have passed.

I’ve spent time healing and recovering myself.

I felt myself come back to who I was when we met.

Instead of relief, I felt the loss all over again.

Eighteen years have passed,

And I would still love you as if we were still young.

(Originally written June 2, 2022)

[writetocelebrate]

Judges

Disasters were always foretold.

People never listened.

They were too good to trust God.

They suffered the consequences.

Death prevailed over them.

Their own blood drowned them.

God’s wrath turned to mercy.

He shed all grace upon them.

He gave a way out.

They merely thanked Him by mouth.

They continued in their ways.

He knew their hearts.

They forgot what He did.

They never knew Him.

They could never love Him.

They just wanted a way out.

(Originally written October 20, 2002)

[writetocelebrate]

Town Car Lesson

Waiting in the back of a town car,

My grandmother explained to my five-year-old self

Pink was a color for girls.

Understanding the subtext of what she said,

I decided in my five-year-old mind

I would abandon pink for red.

Thinking of a color being expected,

I had to rebel, as a five-year-old girl.

The absurdity of my gender determining it.

That was the day I determined to be contrary.

It was the first my five-year-old eyes opened to see roles society chose for me.

(Originally written April 21, 2022)