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I am sick of hearing that the trauma I went through was a “good thing” and that it’s made me “strong”. Fuck off.

I was always a good person but I didn’t need that shit to happen like some kind of endurance test of who I am. Fuck you it has nearly killed me several times. There’s no good in what I’ve been through.

And as for it “making me stronger”? No! No. Lololol. No!!! I am in recovery. I’m exhausted and heart-broken. I don’t trust anyone & to function in society takes all my energy and strength & I struggle with basic tasks like idk not having a breakdown because someone is standing next to me in the supermarket.

Can u stop telling ppl with trauma that what they went through helped them in some way.

It. Did. Not.

Sorry, this was not a positive post. But it needed saying. @aspirebelieverecover

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“People with PTSD have their floodgates wide open. Lacking a filter, they are on constant sensory overload. In order to cope, they try to shut themselves down and develop tunnel vision and hyperfocus. If they can’t shut down naturally, they may enlist drugs or alcohol to block out the world. The tragedy is that the price of closing down includes filtering out sources of pleasure and joy, as well.”

— The Body Keeps The Score – Bessel van der Kolk

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Me: I can handle this minor trigger

Me, coming to an hour later, feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck: oh

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you ever want to scream what happened to you at the top of your lungs but also never want to whisper a word of it to anyone ever because same

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6/10/2018

I thought I would be doing so much better almost two months later, but I’m just not.

Yesterday I was out with my boyfriend at the grocery store to buy ice cream and we were having a really good time just looking around. We walked through the little flower section and they had these fluorescent blue orchids growing in pots. At first I thought they were pretty. I thought they were pretty.

Then an old memory surfaced, one that I had completely forgotten about until right then. He bought me blue orchids, exactly like those ones, dyed with bright blue food coloring. He bought them for me and told me I needed to come get them from his car. I knew that if I got in his car he would want to touch me, so I found every excuse not to get in. He was so angry. The orchids died.

Back at the grocery store my boyfriend was trying to get me through check out while I zoned in and out. I couldn’t focus on anything, nothing that usually brings me back from a panic attack was working. I couldn’t calm down until we were leaving the parking lot.

I’m so angry. We were having such a good time in that grocery store. I was living and I was having a good time being in love in spite of everything that’s happened and a pot of fake blue orchids ended it. I’m trying to be happy in a new relationship that has nothing to do with him and he still weasels his way into it even though I don’t have any contact with him. I thought I would be safe from him when i got away but I’m not safe and I’ll never be safe. I’m angry at myself for not being able to accept what happened and move on, for getting so upset about flowers. I’m angry at him for what he did, what he’s doing, what it did to me, what it’s doing to me.

Last night I had one bad nightmare and just didn’t sleep at all after that. I got maybe 2 hours. At 9 this morning I just laid there crying. I will never be safe.

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Trying to convince yourself to stop having intense paranoia abt everything like

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a lot of people make it seem like recovery is a step by step thing but they never talk about the relapses and the fact that recovery (emotional, mental, any kind) is a roller coaster that doesn’t work that way, some days you’re going to feel like you’re completely well and you’ll feel like you were never hurt in the first place, but other days it’ll seem like you never recovered at all. The point is, recovery isn’t linear, you’re going to fall back and spring forward. It’s okay to not be okay. And one day, you will be. 

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“but this didnt used to trigger you” or even “this didnt used to trigger me why am i upset about it now, i must be faking” 

memory shifts. you build barriers to protect yourself and depending on the frequency of your exposure to something, those barriers can break down or change

understanding something better can make it feel worse sometimes. look, when you were younger you probably couldnt understand that something was hurting you. now that you know it was bad??? yeah its gonna trigger you worse than it used to because you KNOW now.

recovering from some things can unlock deeper struggles. so you dealt with the issues that were on the surface? well your brain is going to let you access the next level of problems that need to be dealt with now.

life has different phases that expose you to different triggers. stuff that triggers a teen with school responsibilities is going to be different than the stuff that triggers a new parent with a new baby or an adult with a social job or a blogger with constant exposure to daily news.

triggers can be shaped by the trauma of people you know. you can gain new triggers from knowing something related to that happened to someone you care about. once you know how awful a thing can be, even if it wasnt awful for you personally, you can still be sensitive to it.

and most importantly

YOU DONT NEED A REASON FOR SOMETHING TO BE A TRIGGER. yes, there IS a reason, but it’s not your responsibility to immediately understand why your brain does what it does. forcing yourself to analyze too soon is skipping the stage where you learn to cope with it first. learn to cope, then analyze. knowing why is difficult if you cant handle the emotions that come with knowing

UNDERSTANDING COMES WITH TIME AND INTROSPECTION. you should not force yourself to explain your triggers, especially without the guidance of a therapist or trusted, stable confidant.

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4-28-2018

Had a good first day on my new medication. I got a headache but I’m pretty sure its allergy/sinus stuff. I was really worried it was going to alter my mood or awareness too much but I think I’m okay. I went grocery shopping today and didn’t feel as anxious that he was going to be there. I guess the true test will be tomorrow when I have to be out with my family for my birthday and see if I’m not as anxious. 

I have an appointment with a new counselor on friday; I’m so scared to confront my trauma. I couldn’t even force myself to tell my doctor what happened, she had to ask questions and I had to nod my head because I was crying too hard. Talking about isn’t just reliving it, it’s reimagining it and imagining the trauma becoming worse than it was if I hadn’t done certain things to protect myself. 

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4-27-2018

Today, two days before my 19th birthday, I went to my doctor and told her that a psychologist I’ve been seeing told me that I am “at risk” of PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. After talking with her, she diagnosed me with PTSD and prescribed me with fluoxetine. I originally made the appointment to talk to her about a different health issue but decided to talk to her about this because of a panic attack that I had yesterday. 

I’m starting this blog to keep a record of my mental health journey over the next year to help me notice the symptoms I’m experiencing through changes in medication. 

I’ve decided that I want to start actively trying to recover from what happened to me instead of muddling through the symptoms and acting like everything's fine for everyone else’s sake. I’m tired of waking my boyfriend up in the middle of the night with my nightmares. I’m tired of living in fear and anger. 

Today’s been extremely emotional, but overall I feel better and more confident about my situation. 

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Do's and Don't's for helping someone through a PTSD flashback!

So personally I have PTSD. Everyone has different coping skills and ways of getting through their flashbacks, and these are some of the things that help me, personally. Feel free to add anything you think night be helpful and feel free to reblog to help those who also struggle with this horrible mental illness.

DO’s: *separate the person from a large group. Large groups personally make everything worse. Get them to a quiet, secluded area as quickly and as quietly as you can, it will decrease anxiety so fast.

*give the person an ice cube to hold. The cold is painful enough that it brings the oersons senses back to reality and out of their flashback, but it isn’t too damaging.

*talk to the person,if they are willing, about what they are seeing. Remind that person in soft and quiet tones that you are not their abuser, and that they are safe.

*ask for permission before you touch them!!! Personally if someone I don’t know touches me when I’m having a flashback I get so much worse. If I haven’t given you permission to touch me DO NOT DO IT!

*give the person a distraction. Be it a quiet cartoon, soft classical music. Something calming and not too overstimulating.

DON’T’S

*DON’T speak in a loud voice. This makes us think you are angry, or upset that we are having an episode. It will make an even worse and I will find the closest thing to hide under.

*DON’T raise your hands or move too quickly. My biggest fear during an episode is that I’m going to be hit so seeing raised arms or fast movements will scare me really badly.

*DON’T tell the person that it’s all in their head. This is not only redundant but it makes us feel even stupider and more vulnerable.

*DON’T panic yourself. I know that helping us through our episode can be stressful but please do not panic. It will set us off even harder. I feel more vulnerable and susceptible to others emotions and if you panic, I will too.

Just some useful stuff that personally helps me. As I said feel free to add to this or reblog it to maybe help someone else. C:

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Flashback halting protocol

- Right now I am feeling… (describe your current emotion, e.g terrified)

- And I am sensing in my body… (describe your current body sensations, e.g pounding heart)

- Because I am remembering… (Name the trauma by title only, no details, e.g being hurt by my mother)

- At the same time, I am looking around where I am in (the actual current year), here (name the place where you are).

- And I can see… (describe some of the things that you see right now in this place).

- And so I know (trauma by title only) is not happening now or anymore.

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Effective treatments for PTSD include different types of psychotherapy and/or medication.

Recommended Treatments

Trauma-focused Psychotherapies

Trauma-focused psychotherapies are the most highly recommended type of treatment for PTSD. “Trauma-focused” means that the treatment focuses on the memory of the traumatic event. Some involve talking or thinking about the traumatic memory. Others focus on changing unhelpful beliefs. The trauma-focused psychotherapies with the strongest evidence are:

Prolonged Exposure (PE)

Involves talking about trauma and doing things you’ve avoided since the trauma.

Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)

Involves talking about your negative thoughts and doing short writing assignments.

Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

Involves thinking about the trauma while paying attention to a back-and-forth movement or sound (like a finger waving side to side, a light, or a tone).

Other types of trauma-focused psychotherapy include:

Brief Eclectic Psychotherapy (BEP)

A therapy in which you practice relaxation skills, recall details of the traumatic memory, reframe negative thoughts about the trauma, write a letter about the traumatic event, and hold a farewell ritual to leave trauma in the past.

Narrative Exposure Therapy (NET)

Developed for people who have experienced trauma from war, conflict, and violence. You talk through stressful life events from birth to the present day and put them into a story.

Written Narrative Exposure

Involves writing about the trauma during sessions. Your provider gives instructions on the writing assignment, allows you to complete the writing alone, and then returns at the end of the session to briefly discuss any reactions to the writing assignment.

NOTE: Some psychotherapies do not focus on traumatic events, but can still help you process your reactions to the trauma and manage symptoms related to PTSD. The research behind these treatments is not as strong as the research supporting trauma-focused psychotherapies. However, these psychotherapies may be a good option if you are not interested in trauma-focused psychotherapy, or if that is not available to you:

Stress Inoculation Training (SIT)

A cognitive-behavioral therapy that teaches skills and techniques to manage stress and reduce anxiety.

Present-Centered Therapy (PCT)

Focuses on current life problems that are related to PTSD.

Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT)

Focuses on the impact of trauma on interpersonal relationships.

Medication:

Antidepressants (SSRIs and SNRIs)

Medications that have been shown to be helpful in treating PTSD symptoms are some of the same medications also used for symptoms of depression and anxiety. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI’s) and serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRI’s) affect the level of naturally occurring chemicals in the brain called serotonin and/or norepinephrine. These chemicals play a role in brain cell communication and affect how you feel.

There are four antidepressant medications that are recommended for PTSD:

Sertraline

Paroxetine

Fluoxetine

Venlafaxine

There are other types of antidepressant medications, but these four medications listed above are the ones that are most effective for PTSD.

These include:

Serzone

A serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SRI) that works by changing the levels and activity of naturally occurring chemical signals in the brain.

Tofranil

A tricyclic antidepressant (TCA) which acts by altering naturally occurring chemicals which help brain cells communicate and can lift mood.

Nardil

A monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI) which inactivates a naturally-occurring enzyme that breaks down norepinephrine and dopamine.

Other Treatments:

Treatments that don’t Have research support

There may be other options available such as yoga, meditation, or acupuncture, biological treatments like oxygen therapy or magnetic stimulation, or online treatment programs. These treatments do not have strong research behind them at this time, but you and your doctor can discuss the benefits and risks of these options to determine whether or not they are right for you.

Choosing a Treatment

No one treatment is right for everyone. You can discuss treatment options with your healthcare provider, and determine which ones are best for you based on benefits, risks, and side effects. Some people are uncomfortable with the idea of seeking treatment because of concerns with stigma or worries about having to talk about difficult life experiences. However, treatment provides the opportunity to improve symptoms, personal and professional relationships, and quality of life.