writingwingz

[writingwingz]

My camera lens

A photo is a story.

What does yours say?

Will it encase happiness and freeze your smile forever?

Or will the shallow, sunken look in your eyes feel like you’ll be sad forever?

My camera has seen it all.

The emptiness in her heart after leaving photos for her dead best friend. The life sucked out of her eyes as she remembered you; or rather, that you’re gone.

The smile on her face snapping a photo for someone who put butterflies in her heart. And the dead, lifeless sigh, after finding out that she wasn’t enough.

Deleted photos of the shame she carried for too long.                                        Of self hatred, self doubt, and self esteem nowhere to be found.                    She smiled in them, sure. But she was dying on the inside.                                            Hundreds of selfies, which made her seem vain. But in reality, she hated herself and it took one hundred photos for her to look through, and find just one that she even liked.                                                                                                        My camera has seen it all.

A reflection even, not yet a photo. After she checks to see what she looks like, because she saw someone she knew in public.                                                    Disappointment, courage, content and indifference all exude at different times. They decide the impression she made, even though she knows it’s not even her choice to make.

Danger, thrill, shyness and boldness as she snaps a photo for someone she actually likes.

Is her smile okay? Does her hair look alright? Is she cute? Does the photo make her look desirable? 

There’s a novel in these photos but not everyone knows what they form. Her words are too intricate and most have no idea what she’s saying, while very few dare to ask. 

My camera lens is picky. She doesn’t know who to trust with what.

A photo is a story.

You decide who gets to read each part.

Will someone ever want to read the whole thing?

More importantly, will she ever let them?

[writingwingz]

Nobody told me...

Nobody told me that love is heart wrenching, even if it's the right person. Especially if it's the right person.

Privliged lovers will get to say;

"it was easy"

"One look, and I just knew"

"All it took was one kiss, and I knew they were the love of my life"

But not us. My god, not us.

I remember teetering the idea of "us" in my mind before you even became a consideration of mine. And not because I was weighing you against my other options. You were my only option. You were the only one I cared about. You were the only one I saw. Now, I only wish I had chosen the other option. Because I know they would've ended up hurting me too. But not as badly as you did.

Not like you did.

Nobody told me that you would entice my mind with games that I would see as romantic. Nobody told me that you would get me to see anything degrading as even remotely "sexy".

There's a bad taste in my mouth simply remembering that stupid idea. Your idea. One I went along with because I "loved" you.

There's that taste again....

Nobody told me that there would be feelings beyond you. Beyond your existence and beyond the twisted thing I called love. Nobody told me that I'd feel stupid afterwards for ignoring the few but powerful signs. For I believed it was only prominent if there were multiple signs. Heaps and heaps of signs reading "danger to your heart" "turn around" "back out now while you can" "he's lying" "he will hurt you"

but I didn't even listen to the one that screamed the loudest.

"He's already planning on *how* he will hurt you.

Nobody told me that I don't need a man to survive.

I already knew that.

I already felt that.

I already preached that.

So why then, did I even entertain the *idea* of forgiving you? Of taking you back into my life? Why then, did I find myself laying out "rules and regulations" that would become the creed of our love.

I already knew.

I've known forever.

You can't bind love to a contract of behavior. You can't lay out a guideline on how to keep me as your lover. You can't keep anyone on a leash, just a short distance from you. To where they are at your disposal to yank back; closer to you, the second you feel them straying away just a little too far. You can't give them the "do's" and "don'ts" of a love decree. You can't tell them what to say, how to act or much less, what to feel.

You cannot make someone love you.

And you shouldn't trust anyone who says they love you, when they have CLEARLY shown you that they in fact, do not love you.

Do NOT love you.

You didn't love me.

You loved having someone.

But soon, you got bored of me being just one someone for you to have. So you searched for another, Thinking you could still keep me around.

You didn't love me.

You loved the idea of loveing someone, and you just settled for me.

Because if you truly loved me.... you would've *already known* how to do it right the first time around.

You would have know how to speak to me because it all would have flowed out so naturally as a river going down the slanted embankments of a rocky creek.

Nobody told me how to escape a fake love.

Of corse, this writing is a work of fiction.

Because you weren't the right person. Yet it hurt like you were. Like you would've been. Like you might've been. Like you could've been...

This writing is a work of fiction because we never existed. Although you hurt me like we had.

I was never yours.

And you were never mine.

You just let me believe in that.

So here I am trying to get you out of my mind.

Because nobody told me how to get over something that never existed in the first place.

[writingwingz]

I wanted to believe in you.

[writingwingz]

It was just a thought...

I thought I could make you love me. I thought that if I held you closer, did everything you wanted and asked me to do.. then you would love me as much as you pretended to.

I thought I could break through your shell. I thought I succeeded in breaking down the walls. I thought the wall was there protectecting some underlying vulnerabilities that I could somehow tend to, love and "fix". Then, I would have known you as well as I thought I did.

I would have known you as well you let me believe I did.

I thought I could fix you. I thought that by loving you, by being loved by you... that I could fix myself.

But you never loved me.

I don't think you even know what love is...

I thought I could see right through you. It was looking at another version of me. We liked the same things. Parts of our personalities were starting to rub off on eachother.

It wasn't until after I left (after you hurt me) that I realized what had actually happened. Yes, we rubbed off on eachother. Our minds and personalities took from one another, and molded that into part of our new selves.

But you took only the best parts of me.

While I had taken the worst of you.

Well, almost the worst. See; I would never hurt anyone the way you did, me.

I thought you felt what I felt. I thought my words, our conversations meant something to you. Meant "everything" to you. Like you did to me..

But now I know better.

Never.

Never, let anyone become your "everything".

Because if you do..... when they leave you (when they fuck you over) you will be left with nothing.

Nothing.

I mean whoa, whoa... don't get things twisted pretty boy. You didn't break me. Just my heart. But I've pieced it together all alone. On my own. The way I always have since the beginning.

I thought I could trust you with my heart. But I learned that you never deserved it. You never deserved me. And more so, I never deserved you.

Get off your pedestal, idiot.

That's not a compliment.

I never deserved to give my heart, my words and my mind ... to someone who never even began to unearth my roots. The underlying roots, only just beginning to blossom. I never deserved to have my emotions, efforts and love reciprocated by a mere shallow response.

Those were all just thoughts. Thoughts you never should've recived or known about.

I should have trusted my intuition about you from months ago.

But I believed it all to be, just a thought.

[writingwingz]

It doesn't know

Love knows no boundaries.

It doesn't care that when they hurt you, all you wanted to do was let go. And it definitely doesn't care that you couldn't. Love knows not why or when, who or how.. it simply does as it pleases.. wrecking everything in it's path.

The demolition is far from suttle, in fact it's crashing on you harder than anything you've ever felt before. It creeps up on you in the middle of the day when you're watching tv and you see or hear something and suddenly, you're thinking of them. It creeps up on you in the evening as the sun goes down and a memory or desire slips into your mind. Suddenly, the images are already flashing in front of your eyes. You're imagining things with them.

The heart doesn't understand that you're not ready, that you're too fragile, too afraid, and you wish that this person didn't have such an impact on you.

But they do.

Love knows no boundaries. It doesn't care that you're not ready, not willing, not capable of trying again. For it tugs and pulls on your heart, prompting the idea that you are indeed ready to fall again.

And fall hard.

Love knows no boundaries. It doesn't care that you're awake at 3 a.m crying over such a person that you think is just so damn lovable; yet, you have no idea why... It doesn't care that your stomach flutters every time you see them and you just want your emotions to calm down.

But they don't. In fact, they often increase and consume you. Leaving that stupid smile on your face. So you're shaking your head thinking "don't be stupid, they don't actually care" But it's your heart that doesn't care. It doesn't care that you don't want it to care. It's too late. It already does. You already do. You will find yourself thinking about this person day after day. A little, a lot, uncontrollably, or somewhere in between. Sometimes, it's even all at once.

Because love knows no boundaries.

Their flaws.

Their flaws start to deterriorate under the perfection your heart already sees. They fall piece by piece into a dark abyss left to wander within you until it chooses to do otherwise. Their interactions with you start to mean something to you, and suddenly you find yourself aching for the next outing, the next phone call, the next text, anything and everything so long as you get to hold a piece of them within your precious hands.

You're totally screwed up if they fuck you over. Because now you're left with feelings of confusion and sadness. Guilt and stupidity, for have fallen for them in the first place.

Or they catch you. You fall and they catch you. Now you've totally fucked up.

You start to trust them. And with such trust comes you, giving them a precious part of yourself day after day. You build a bond, a friendship, a protectiveness over them because you want to. Because they want to. Because maybe just maybe love isn't all bad.

Plunge or don't plunge. But if you don't, you might never know what will be or what could've been.

Don't try to control your heart. It controls you. So as you lay awake tonight at 4 a.m thinking of them and wondering why... just let it be.

Because love knows no boundaries.

It just doesn't know.