writtenbyvirginiabelle

[writtenbyvirginiabelle]

Lost.

The day you left I felt lost.

And the day after.

And the week, month, year after that.

I felt lost at each anniversary.

During the holidays.

On your birthday.

I felt lost trying to be around people again.

At church.

At work.

At a number of other social events and obligations.

Around my family.

Around your family.

Which was once my family, but no longer feels like it.

As if the tie that binds was you and not an actual familial bond.

And so I retreated.

I fell back to my loneliness.

To my solitude.

To my depression.

Because for once my depression was comforting instead of suffocating.

[writtenbyvirginiabelle]

This year.

I did a lot of growing this year.

Some of it was painful,

A lot of it was beautiful.

I think I rediscovered myself.

The me who loves reading,

And writing,

And sunrises,

And sunsets,

And laughing,

And live music…

I think I rediscovered the girl

Who wanted things to be simple.

Who wanted people to be kind.

Who wanted the world just as it is.

Nothing more,

Nothing less.

I fell closer to God than I ever have been.

There were slip ups, sure.

But we made it through them.

I’m still growing,

But I’m proud of where I am.

I am kind.

I am happy.

I feel like me again.

Not the me I became to fit in with others,

Not the me I became to stay quietly under the radar.

But me.

The me that makes me happy.

The me that wants for others more than she wants for herself.

The me that wants to be a mother.

The me that so desperately needs a man, but has found peace knowing God is taking care of it.

The me that I used to be when I was young.

Only older,

And wiser,

And more durable.

I did a lot of growing this year.

Some of it was painful,

A lot of it was beautiful.

All of it was worth it.

[writtenbyvirginiabelle]

365.

Day one was so different from day 365.

Day one was a roller coaster. He’s not okay, maybe it’s not that bad, he’s definitely not okay.

Day 365 is silent.

Day one lasted a few seconds.

Day 365 creeps through drying cement.

Day one is full of emotions. Hope and hugs and comfort amidst the fear and pain.

Day 365 is numb.

Day one I thought he would stick around a while longer.

Day 365 I wish he actually had.