#grief journey

[samxcamargo]

Book: The Pain of Healing by Samantha Camargo on amazon 💛

[steakcy]

Key-Bearer🌖

This painting is a letter to my dear Epervine, as I lack words to express my gratitude and love for her

I miss you

I love you

I hope you found the warmest and softest place to rest with Tamriel

Bye my baby

[warriorinthegarden]

[jinxingrief]

[jewishjunkie]

this week has been a whirlwind but i’m still pressing forward 🤍

[oceanskiees]

I am time's victim

It escapes me similar to how water does when I reach for it

It quickly glides through my fingers as I desperately try to hold onto my memories of you

Attempting to preserve the memory of us

Attempting to keep you alive somewhere inside my mind

I am time’s victim, you see

Because I sense it slipping away from me, slowly and merciless

I can’t recall the warmth behind your dark yet comforting eyes

Or the tenderness of your lips when they grazed my skin

I can’t relive how it felt to lay in your hold

And oh how I detest that I can’t remember the sweet melody that was once your voice

Because time has deceived me

I therefore lie in bed fearful of what my future may hold

I'm terrified that your existence won’t live in my mind anymore

And yet again, I’ll find myself the victim of time and its heinous crime

When someone asks me what my biggest fear is, I’ll sigh and say forgetting you

[shethoughtabout]

grief is dying with them while having to live

silence.

parts of me have gone with you.

a written understanding

the engraving of pain in my heart

as if it was a tombstone

alive from 1994 to 2017

and what happened then?

it didn‘t stop beating, yet died;

it would never be the same again.

- i.h.

[iankaikkinenvitutus]

The truth is that I miss you, Like I really fucking miss you. I keep reminding myself that you are dead, because somewhere in my mind you are still alive and this isn't reality.

[samxcamargo]

Book: The Pain of Healing by Samantha Camargo on amazon 💛

[ineedfairypee]

If it’s uncomfortable for hear about imagine how it feels to experience it

[zz-kennedy]

A little bit of my experience with grief

This one is really personal, I struggle a lot with grief, endings in general and feelings since i was young. I'm really sensitive like really sensitive, and everything affects me a lot more than my family or friends.

When my grandpa died, it broke me, I couldn't go on I didn't know how. I 'toughened up' but nothing was the same again. It took me almost 9 years to heal.

During this process, I had this type of conversations in my mind. This one was one of the last times it happened, but it was still wrecking.

I once was working in the hospital, going through the corridors that, by now I knew very well. When I saw this little girl with his grandpa, he was recovering and his family got special permission for her to visit him for a little while before the ward ended.

I smiled, he was my chief’s patient and he had let me help the most though the procedure. I kept walking however my mind quickly drifted away. There I was again standing in a white room with a faceless being.

“I did it!  In another Universe I did it, I saved my grandfather. I didn’t let him go to the public hospital, instead we took him to the right place and he lived, I did it I saved him!”

“You do understand it’s not your fault. Right?”

“¿Pardon me?”

“It’s not your fault. he died because of his illness it’s not your fault”

” B… but if I have told my uncle… maybe he would have taken him to the private hospital, maybe he would have been cured, I would have saved him. ”

” No, that wasn’t your place nor the time for you to have a saying in anything. It was your grandfather’s decision not yours. It wasn’t your fault. ”

” But…”

” Don’t you understand. You were 16 years old, you were the youngest of your family, you had no responsibility a part from attending high school. You couldn’t even go inside the ICU with him, you weren’t old enough. It wasn’t your fault.”

” He died after I went to visit him… maybe, just maybe if hadn’t go to visit him, he would still be alive.”

” You are making no sense right now. Your grandfather would have been moved to your home days later, then what ¿you were going to avoid him forever?”

”… ”

” ¿What’s the real reason for you to feel guilty? ¿don’t you think he was glad, at least in his hazy comatose state, that he could hear your voice one last time?”

” But… no… I … I never got to hear his voice again, or see his eyes open… I … I never told him how important he was for me.”

” Then you feel guilty for not telling him how important he was for you? For not telling him you loved him?”

” … I … Yes … I feel so guilty; I should have told him how much I loved him”

” He was your grandpa, he knew how much you loved him, he always knew even if you weren’t vocal about it”

” …Maybe that’s true… still I should have told him, I should have been vocal about it… I … love him.”

” So what now. You want to go back and change everything? A tad bit selfish don’t you think?”

“… You can’t go back in time, that’s impossible… I… I just want to tell him I love him, I just want to hug him once more, I want to hear him say my name once more.”

“That’s impossible too”

“I know…”

“Why are you crying?”

“… I still feel guilty…”

“Still you’re not guilty”

“I know… but it doesn’t hurt less “

“Maybe, this will never stop hurting”

“Do you… do … Do you think that when I die…? Do you think he’ll be by my side? Do you think he’ll ever forgive me? “

“If I’m being honest, I don’t know”

“Oh … There I thought you knew everything”

“Of course not, I ain’t no God, I’m you… However, do you want me to tell what I do know?”

“Be my guest”

“I know everything about you, everything and I know it’s not your fault”

“… Ok”

“You know we’ve had this same conversation before right?”  

“…yes”

“You are not guilty, it’s not your fault”

“I’m going to be late”

“Your coping mechanism is awful. You know saving lives…”

A monotonous voice through the speakers brought me back to reality

“Dr. Aviles your presence is required in the ICU. Dr. Aviles your presence is required in the ICU” I kept walking. As I hurried up the corridor ready for the challenge a lost 16-year-old cried her eyes out in the hall, I left her behind right where she was standing there was no time to look back, there was no time to comfort her, there has been no time for 6 almost 7 years.

After that specific incident I went to therapy more regularly. I've overcome a lot but there's still a long road ahead.

[ranwing]

Personal stuff (feel free to ignore)

Two weeks ago was the 3rd anniversary of losing mom, and admittedly I've been rather down for the past few weeks. I can't believe that so much time has passed, and that it still feels like yesterday. I started thinking a lot about those days when she was on hospice care when I lay in bed at night and the moments when it was clear that she was slipping away. There was the moment when I asked her who I was and she didn't recognize me. The moment when she lost the ability to swallow and I had to clean what she tried to eat for breakfast out of her mouth. I remember when the nurses explained that what I thought was sweat was her body forcing all of it's fluid out through the skin which was a clear sign that she might have only a week or two left. And watching my father holding her hand, sleeping in a chair next to her bed and telling her that it was okay to go.

There were so many wonderful things for my family after we lost Mom. My niece was awarded her PhD in psychology and is well on her way to making a name for herself in her field. My nephew graduated college and is starting to build his own career. My niece got married last October and yesterday she came over to tell us that she and her husband are now expecting their first child. There have been so many things that would have filled Mom with so much joy because there was nothing she loved more than her family. She would already be starting work on knitting a blanket for my niece's baby. When my niece told us, I started crying because all I can think about is how Mom was robbed of this. That her child will never know her great-grandmother and what an amazing person she was.

Mom wasn't just my parent, but one of my very best friends. We did so much together. I took her to see Adam Lambert in concert because we both loved him. We did Civil war reenacting with my dad and I remember the blue dress that she always wore for the first event of the season that ended up in every picture, which we called the FBD (fucking blue dress). I would take her to the Renaissance Faire with me, and dress her up in my spare corset and wench gear. She would read my fanfiction, offering suggestions and edits. We had so many wonderful, funny, amazing moments together and now it's all over. I can't begin to count the number of times when even now, my instinct is to call her from the office and just see how her day was going.

I've been crying a lot lately. A lot of people that have been through a similar loss warned that the pain will never entirely go away. It's long enough that the wound on my heart is now a scar, but it still hurt. I want to reach the point where the memories are bittersweet and not just painful. I want to think of her as she was in life and not those last moments when I lost her. It just hurts that life is going on and she is not a part of it beyond being a memory. It's not fair and I hate that she was taken away from me. It doesn't matter that I'm a woman in her 50s who had my own life. There are still those moments that I just wanted my Mom.

Thanks for listening. It's been a rough few weeks.

[things-ineedtosay]

I prayed today.

I'm honestly not sure I did it right. And it was selfish to boot.

(If you were here, you would tell me that there is no right way. It's okay to be selfish sometimes.)

(We certainly were.)

(I miss you like a hole in my heart.)

I prayed today.

I prayed you would know that I miss you desperately. That I love you as nothing else before or after will ever love another thing.

I prayed today.

I prayed that your Lord would connect us again, so that I could tell you I loved you.

(Even if it is only as a goodbye.)

I prayed today.

I prayed because you are buried so deeply in my soul that I worry I will never be able to root you out, if this truly is the end.

I prayed today.

I prayed because honestly, I miss you so bad it feels like the grief is clawing its way through my insides.

I prayed because there is a hand around my fucking throat.

I prayed because it is gripping on and trying to pull the manifestation of my grief out of my soul and into the world to make itself visible.

I prayed because it's trying to lay itself bare for all to see.

I prayed because I'm losing the fight to keep it at bay.

I prayed because I'm worried that without you, it will succeed.

I prayed today.

[kimboo-york]

Grieving Futures: Surviving the Deaths of My Parents (Third Edition)

This isn't just a book; it's a piece of my soul laid bare. From the despair that followed losing both my parents by 26, to hitting rock bottom and finding a way to climb back, this memoir is for anyone who feels like they're grieving 'wrong.'

There’s no timeline for healing, no 'proper' way to mourn.

The latest edition includes updates on my life and insights into the continuous process of grieving. You're not alone, and your feelings are valid.

Available for purchase directly from me or on any major book selling platform! You should also be able to request it from your library!

[echoescomeback]

it's been a month now i still don't think it's set in you're not coming back