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[xiufenssri]

Writing this for my doctor's appointment on the 30th of April

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 30th. Decided to write down some of the symptoms(?) that I feel are a bit alarming.

Slight backstory: I was diagnosed with CPTSD, Chronic Insomnia, and Anxiety back in 2018. Fast forward to February 2024, I came to a conclusion to see my doctor again because of my inability to do focused work for more than an hour. I tried using various methods- as I have probably mentioned in my past posts, productivity hacks i.e., the Pomodoro Method was one of the many methods I tried to improve productivity. It worked for a time but it seemed like my body in it of itself was rejecting working for too long, favoring the act of rotting in bed and doomscrolling through basically every social media platform known to man. Eventually it came to a point where it was affecting my work. I no longer was earning as much as I wanted(I work freelance, so the number of hours I work every week determines my salary). I wanted to solve it, of course. We're living in this wretched late-stage capitalistic society, so I couldn't have it.

And so I saw my doctor with that in mind, and she said she'd up my Fluoxetine intake and screen me for ADHD the next time I see her, given that I do a series of laboratory exams to determine the state of my body after more or less 5 years of taking Fluoxetine on and off. I haven't gotten back to her because mental healthcare is fucking expensive and I felt alright.

So there's that. I skipped the follow-up, went about my March, went to different places, had the time of my life, all while maintaining my meds and living my "best" life, whatever the fuck that meant. Perhaps you can deduce; you've seen the photos. Assuming someone has even the slightest interest in this little corner of the internet lol.

Alright, backstory over. Let's proceed.

You see, before all that happened, sometime in March (before all the travelling and the living my best life™ shenanigans), I was having a big bad depressive episode. It lasted for a few weeks before March 10. That episode culminated into one huge hopeless crying fit, as it always does.

So I was having a fistfight with my depression. The fistfight (crying fit - a meltdown, if you will) included the typical feelings of hopelessness, and the terrifying notion of it not feeling better ever. As usual, I ended up banging my seemingly hollow chest and crying, "I'm just a girl, why is this happening to me?" in front of my poor boyfriend who, bless his heart, was trying his best to console me.

But here's the weird part. I cried and cried for what felt like an hour (not sure how long it was actually tbh), feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders while simultaneously feeling the sheer emptiness inside me... but for some reason, a switch flipped and it was... gone? I felt alright. Great, even. I stopped crying, wiped my tears, and went to my office space to resume working while nursing a headache.

It's now the 24th of April and (surprise, surprise) I went through the horrific cycle again. Sick and tired of going through the usual pattern of feeling absolutely miserable and missing work for the past few weeks, etc etc., I ended up crying beside my boyfriend again.

As I was decorating his pillow with tear stains and snot from the mess that is Maria Angelica Espiritu, I felt it again.

The switch.

The switch only took a second, but it took me a few minutes to assimilate to the situation. One thing was for certain though: I was sure that I was "okay" even before the tear stains on Stephen's pillow were dry. Again, I had the same disoriented feeling and the annoying headache, but the depression cloud seemingly disappeared, completely. This time though, I felt super confused. What and why is this happening?

This was when Stephen suggested to document it. This might be something important. Has my brain chemistry changed?

So I guess that's what I want to explore on my doctor's appointment this 30th of April.

Is something wrong with me? Is this a sign that I'm healing? What's happening to my lil ol brain?

I'll update when I find out.

[xiufenssri]

Some of my fave photos of 4-month old Moonpie, my new kitty! I’m a cat mom now!!!

[xiufenssri]

March 30-31. Easter weekend with Stephen’s family. Went to Timoga, Divine Mercy, and Claveria. Had our photos taken at Claveria View Deck by the gentleman in yellow (seen in one of the photos) and he printed it on photopaper for 50php per photo. A lot of people were ignoring his business and I felt bad. I love physical photos and I wanted to support his business at the same time so I had him print lots of photos and I bought them. Hope gets the ball rolling for other tourists.

[xiufenssri]

March 23, 2024. Flew to watch Miss Saigon for my dear friend Star’s birthday! Got to meet the cast backstage too. 🥹

[xiufenssri]

Forgive the late photo dumps lol life’s been hectic

[xiufenssri]

March 10, 2024. Some of my favorite pics from the Canoy-Postrano 2024 reunion.

A little context about why this is super special: we planned this reunion in less than a week! I wasn’t even going to attend bc of my super tight work schedule but decided to fly to Davao and stay for 24 hours just so I can attend.

[xiufenssri]

I got a kitty!!! I’ve been wanting to get one for so long since now I have her she’s here and she’s my baby!!!

Her name is Moonpie. She’s a four month old half Exotic Longhair and half Persian kitty. I wanted to name her Moon but the one syllable seemed too short for my liking. She has two circle black spots on her back and her face is half black fur and half white fur.

It hasn’t been a week since we had her but omg I love her so much already. My baby!

[xiufenssri]

[xiufenssri]

jane austen was right!!!!! i AM half agony half hope!!!!! if i loved you less i COULD talk about it more!!!!!!!! i WAS in the middle before i knew i had begun!!!!!!!

[xiufenssri]

[xiufenssri]

[xiufenssri]

“You will never change you life until you change something you do daily. The secret of you success is found in your daily routine.”

— John C. Maxwell

[xiufenssri]

Just some random photos from today. Been hauled inside my room working like a donkey for weeks. Stephen decided to drag my ass out of the house and into a coffee shop.

Attached are photos of the food we ate today.

That last one is my dad prepping for their Davao trip. I made him do the “sheeeeesh” pose lol

[xiufenssri]

The silver lining is that, I’m flying to Davao next weekend to see my mom’s side of the family so that’s exciting

[xiufenssri]

I have the big sads again.

My psychiatrist told me I might have ADHD which may explain my immense inability to focus for more than 20 mins & other small stuff.

She said she’ll have to screen me n shit.

Honestly I hope I don’t have ADHD I’m having enough trouble with the CPTSD already

Also I did not do great at work this week. I barely did anything! I was too tired and everything felt heavyyyy

I have officially outgrown my mental illnesses.

Meaning, although they have helped me immensely early on in my life, I’m sick and tired of them disturbing my pursuit of an easy adult life.

And I’m getting sick and tired of saying I’m sick and tired of being chronically sad but there’s nothing I can do but trust the process

Ok enough that’s all from me today

[xiufenssri]

“When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, that’s when you know you’ve healed.”

— Unknown

[xiufenssri]

Also I took my prodin without having anything in my lil ol tummy :<

Now I have an ass kicking headache and a tummy ache