xjacobseverx

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Selfie

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Had sex for the first time since getting dumped back in November. It played out like a fucking movie or something. I am super lame, and was hella nervous. But shit, that was awesome. And I wasn’t even ghosted afterwards! She is way, WAY out of my league, and I’m still confused as to how the hell this happened. Oh well, going to ride this wave as long as I can.

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Did you and your gf break up? 😪

Yeah, and I don’t really use this thing anymore. Whoops. 

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I can't wait to dive face first into that booty. 😋

I felt cute today

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I love and miss my girlfriend very much, and I'm beyond excited to get to hold her in only 15 more days.

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✨

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The thing I miss most isn’t the sex. It’s not the dates. It’s not the long road trips full of sing-a-longs. It’s not going out to dinner. It’s not going to see movies. It’s sleeping.

I miss falling asleep with her. I miss laying in bed, being so close with her. She’s so calm, peaceful, and beautiful when she sleeps. The little snores she has aren’t annoying or don’t keep me awake, but fill my belly with butterflies. I miss putting on a movie late at night, and having her only make it through the first 20 minutes. When she sleeps, I can see all the anxiety and worry just melt away. When she’s snuggled up against me, she feels comfortable; and nothing makes me feel more accomplished or proud than providing that for her. My favorite thing in the world is when I’m laying on my back, her head on my chest, arm around my torso, and leg hiked up over my legs. I could stay in that position forever and be happy. 

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Hey, you're really handsome :)

This was the most dangerous ask that ever hit my inbox. And I’m thankful for everything that came with it.

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FYI: This is what I look like now. I haven't been posting or updating this forever. So if you don't know, now you do. I'm fucking hairy.

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She is seriously the fucking cutest thing alive. It sounds weird to say this, but I think I’m falling for her.

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If I could go back in time to two years ago, I would. And I'd do it all over again, except better. I'd make it count. This really fucking sucks.

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I’m turning 30 soon. Why haven’t I turned into one yet?

i can’t believe i used to think people my age were adults

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Oh, don’t you save me from hangin’ on I tell myself what we had is gone And after all that I put you through I get knocked out like I never knew It kept me real 'til I'm moving on But you can’t leave feeling like you did no wrong It's a shame I can't get it together now It's a shame we can't get it together now Cause I'm aching but I fell right in when you gave me up Those golden days snuck away from us Lately, I've been close but I'm up to trouble Those golden days keep you hanging on It kept me real 'til I'm movin on But you can't leave feeling like you did no wrong It's a shame I can't get it together now It's a shame we can't get it together now Cause I'm searching for those golden days Cause I'm searching for those golden days

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Fuck.

I have so many thoughts running through my head, and I don’t know if they’re real or not. I have swarm of feelings attacking me, and I don’t know if I can trust them. Is it just because it’s late at night and I’m sitting in my bedroom alone, with nobody to talk to? During the day when I’m at work, with friends, on the golf course and I feel content; is that real? Or are those things simply masking how I truly feel inside?

I haven’t posted on here in a while. Since December 11th, to be exact. That’s half a year without a single post or reblog. Tumblr used to be a daily thing for me. I’d spend hours scrolling, liking, reblogging, posting. It was my number 1 used social media site. Lately, it hasn’t even crossed my mind. I honestly haven’t had the Tumblr app on the past 2 phones I’ve purchased. I just don’t care enough. Maybe part of that comes with age, or maybe it’s because I already had everything.

Back in late August/early September of 2015, I got a message from someone on Tumblr. A certain someone I’d been following for a while, and always thought was really cute. Long story short, she also found me cute and we started talking. Fast forward a few months, and I’m buying plane tickets for my first trip to Canada. It took me 4 months from our first text message to make the decision to go visit her, and save up the money to do so. A year came and went, marking my longest relationship to date. She visited me, I visited her, and back and forth. Another long story short, and fast forward to today. I’ve been single for a week now. I don’t really know how it happened, and I knew I should have seen it coming, but I’m still shocked and surprised. Things hadn’t been perfect, but I had no idea the level of bad it was. There were times we would take a few days breaks from talking to one another, times where we would almost break up but hold it together, and times where I even wanted to end things. But everything always came back together in the end. So I guess I just assumed our relationship was invincible. I thought we would just always end up together. Maybe because of that I got lazy. Maybe I got complacent. Maybe I stopped trying. Maybe I was content in the way things were, without bothering to make sure she was as well. All I know is, when it’s 1am and I’m sitting alone, my mind can’t help but think of all the “what if’s”.

What if I showed more love and affection? What if I made the effort to visit more? What if I actually put forth the time to research how we could be together?  What if I wasn’t so rude, mean, and short tempered? What if I wouldn’t have continuously gained weight? What if I had been born & raised in Canada all along? What if I had more money to take more time off work? Why didn’t I post more about us? (In the 2 years we dated, I only posted about 5 photos of us on here. Even though I had hundreds of great photos, I never did anything with them. I got lazy) Why didn’t I try harder? Why didn’t I do my best to make sure she was happy? Why didn’t I live up to mine and her expectations? Why didn’t I take the proper steps towards a real future? All of these things, and much much more, are just clawing at the back of my mind. I feel like an absolute piece of shit. Everything was right in front of my eyes, but I was too blind and stubborn to see them. Maybe I did see them and I simply didn’t care. I don’t even know at this point. I don’t even know why I’m typing all of this. I guess as some sort of release. I just feel so alone, and even though nobody will see or read this, it helps to get things out there. It feels better just to pretend like I’m talking to someone. 

A few quotes are stuck in my mind right now. Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. I can’t help but think that is a load of shit. The way I feel right now, in this moment, is I wish none of it had happened. The time I spent with her were the best moments of my entire life. It was true happiness, in a way I had never known before. But to have lost that, is more heartbreaking than the good times were heartwarming. The heaviness of the pain right now is more than the highs I felt when we were together.   The other, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone, rings a lot more true. (And fuck that stupid 80′s power ballad song, I got the Counting Crows song stuck in my head). But it’s true. It’s 100% true. In the past 2 years, I’ve grown to just expect her to be there. We texted 24/7, every day. About anything and everything. Sending photos of cute animals to each other. Venting about work or family. Then we’d FaceTime at night. It started off as an every night thing. Hours and hours, every night. Then as time went on, it became every other night. Then maybe a couple times a week. Once a week. We’d still text all the time, but I stopped making an effort to call. I took her for granted. She would stay home and wait hoping I would call, and I’d be out with friends or out to a movie. The 2,000 miles and 2 hour time difference between us didn’t make anything easy, but I failed in doing what I could on my end. We went from seeing each other in January of 2016, to March of 2016. Every other month or two, we would take turns visiting each other. I haven’t seen her since February of this year, and the next trip wasn’t planned until September. Seeing one another for 1 week every 7 months doesn’t cut it. And I take full blame on not doing my part to make things work. I wasn’t saving money for trips, I wasn’t saving vacation days at work. I was being lazy and I got stuck in the long distance aspect of the relationship. I was living my life here in Denver, and she was living her life in Montreal. We just happened to talk every day. We were e-pen pals. There was no romance. There was no spark. There was no sexuality. And I’m 100% to blame for that. Because I didn’t know what I had. But now that I’m sitting in my room alone, wondering what she’s doing, if she’s with someone, etc...I’m just dying. Now that she’s gone, I’m remembering all the amazing time and things we did together. I’m seeing how big of a piece of shit I was, and how I was completely failing her as a boyfriend. I really did not know what I had, until it was gone. And I don’t know where to go from here.

Sorry for this incoherent, rambling nonsense. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy. I’m not trying to paint her in a bad light. It’s just life. I wish her the absolute best, and hope she finds the happiness she deserves. I have a feeling I won’t truly now how bad I fucked things up until much later on in life. But forward is the only direction I can go from here, even if it’s into a dark, cloudy uncertainty. 

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I haven't posted anything in a long time, but I have been golfing quite a bit.

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I love her.

Pretty lady

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She's so wonderful, and somehow I've tricked her into being with me for an entire year.

Happy anniversary babe, you’re the man of my dreams. This year has been perfect. I couldn’t ask for more.