xlikeithot

[xlikeithot]

Virgin Alert

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a virgin is a person who has not had sexual intercourse.

But this begs me to ask the question about how people perceive virginity. The original symbolism of the white wedding gown is a sign of purity for the bride, aka virgin. Now in the 21st century that's hardly the requirement or case for most brides. I also had this notion as a girl that a woman was no longer a virgin when she bled after she had intercourse for the first time. This element seemed crucial, or at least it seemed to be media. 

But as I got older I learned many important things, sex happened out of marriage, same sex couples had sex, sex did not always produce children etc. 

So my thoughts still reel about virginity. If a lesbian has never had sexual intercourse with a man but has with a woman, is she still a virgin? Does it only have to be penis inserted into a vagina to count as a loss of virginity? If a girl uses a dildo, does the basic principal of sexual intercourse apply and is she no longer a virgin? 

Although the dictionary has the definition as a person who has not had sexual intercourse, I believe people hold virginity as a more spiritual, religious, mental and emotional entity rather than physical. Some discern virginity for a girl when her hymen has not be broken. Well news flash the hymen can be broken by a lot of things. 

I guess what Im getting at is that we all perceive our virginity as something differently. I know for me, in the technical term, I am a virgin because I have not had sexual intercourse (aka have not had cock up my hootch). But since everyone perceives sexuality as something to their own standards, should we still be using a word that defines a person as someone who has NOT done something. I know I don't want to be. I don't think virginity is something you lose. Society has this sick idea  that we lose our "purity" or "innocence" once we have sex but that is not true. "Virgin" does not define a person. Nor do other names such as "Whore" or "slut". 

Sexuality does not define us, it is a part of us. It is a fraction of whats makes us as humans. I know I don't want to be characterized as one term because of actions I have not yet done. But when I have sex I know I won't be losing my virginity, I will be gaining a new experience and memory. 

Whatever haha

[xlikeithot]

Happiness Challenge

My best friend and I started a challenge today. But it's not against each other but for our selves. Our mission is to do one thing each day that makes us happy. We both found that we relied on others for our happiness too much. Of course other people and the people you love make you happy but when you can be happy on your own, that's true happiness. 

So today I took a drive and bought myself lemonade. Both are really simple acts but I did them for myself and they made me happy. 

I don't know how the next few days will be and Im sure I will have my down moments but for now I focus on myself and stop worrying about others as much. :)

[xlikeithot]

what if…then what?

What if…one day the person you lost came back into your life

What if…a person you love isn't good for you

What if…you lose sight of why you are with/friends with a person

What if…a person you love changes who they are at their very core

What if…if you love someone for the wrong reasons

What if…you don't feel the same way

What if you're too scared to follow your heart because you fear the future more than rejection?

What if…your heart doesn't know what it wants?

Then what?

[xlikeithot]

Overthinking and its Results

I think it is a blessing and a curse that girls read into everything. In one way we can find out what we really want out of friendships, our jobs, life etc. by overthinking. We can even can become better people because we may overthink about how other people really need our help or we may catch an error and learn from it.

However, we also tend to overthink the little things. Such as texts. Eye glances, and even memories. I am a victim of overthinking. Whether it be about the years to come after college or the guys of my past, when I overthink I tend to make myself upset more than anything. Unfortunately this is me now. Last night I overwhelmed myself by overthinking about going to law school (where, when, how, what then???) The questions and the answers all scare me. When I think about all of them at once, I cannot function properly and hurt myself more than help.

Another example of overthinking is when I overthink about my past with boys. Whenever I start thinking about possibly dating or guys in general, I get this anxious feeling of going through everything that went wrong before (why, when, how etc.???) and how can I change that. Or I think about the individual guys and try to decipher the exact moment when things went wrong or try to interpret their break up texts further.

Neither reading old texts nor looking up the statistics for law schools is helping me. When I overthink, I end up not accomplishing anything and I sit in a mild depression, worrying about my life. Instead of worrying about problems that have past or are in the (possible) future, don't think about them at all. When, or if, the problem ever confronts you deal with it them. There is no use in overthinking about things that are still hypothetical.

:)

[xlikeithot]

6 Months Later

Almost exactly 6 months after I was crushed by this one guy not wanting to see me anymore, he texts me. 

At first my heart raced, I stared at my phone screen in disbelief. I could not for the life of me think of what to say to him. In his text he asked me how I was doing, that it has been awhile since we've talked and that he wanted to apologize for being an ass to me. Upon further investigation though I realized the insincerity of his message. 

I rightly asked him why he was talking to me after all this time and he said he didn't have an answer. I almost was willing to forgive him until he used the same excuses he used when dumping me, including that he "didn't mean to hurt me" and that "he wasn't in a place for more". Now I wasn't sure if he was genuinely sorry for the way he treated me or if he just wanted to make himself feel better by saying something. When I asked again "Why now?", why after 6 months did he feel he needed to tell me this, all he said was "I don't know. I don't have any ulterior motives. I have a girlfriend" 

WHOA WHOA WHOA back up! I do not care if you have a girlfriend she has nothing to do with this. I do not need to be treated like I have barely survived while you've been out my life or that all I've desperately wanted is for you to come back to me. BULLSHIT. 

If you are going to bother me again and play with my emotions after all this time, you better have a good goddamn reason. I can sincerely say, without a doubt, that I have moved on from this guy. But that does not mean that the shock of his resurfacing didn't surprise me or have me ponder over things from the past. 

He hurt me. And when I told him how and why he hurt me, he still didn't get it. He never thought of me but only of himself. I feel sorry for him. I'm sorry he didn't have the balls to talk to me face to face or the decency to give me real answers to the questions that plagued my mind for weeks. 

The funny thing is I still cherish the brief memories I made with him. He was my first kiss, my first hand hold, my first fleeting moments of a possible love. I still remember him embracing me from behind my back and his grab of my arm to pull me in for one more kiss. By themselves, these moments are wonderful but I cannot ignore the result or his lack of courtesy at the end. 

6 months have passed. And he may still hold onto a feeling of guilt or regret but I don't. I am happy for the moments I had and am happy that it ended when it did. I continue on with a clear mind. 

[xlikeithot]

The Fear

The fear of commitment. Of relationships. Of vulnerability. Of love...

In this past year alone I have met some seemingly great guys. I hit it off right away with them, swapped numbers, texted every day. And yet, after a certain point, there is this blockade created by these guys. I believe that they genuinely like me, and dare I say enjoy my company, but then they revert, clam up and are no longer open with me. 

They become less communicative, less forward, less willing for anything. Of course I immediately think what's wrong with me? What did they learn about me that now they no longer want to know more? 

BUT MY MAIN question is, why, if they have so much in common with me and are attracted, then why do they bail before anything can really start? One possible answer I think is FEAR. 

Life priorities slowly have to shift when a significant other enters into the picture. Like spending a little more time with S.O. rather than friends, calling them before you go to sleep, making plans on the weekends dedicated to them. Most people don't really want their lives to change that much. That's why hooking up is so prevalent in our society, the ability to have our physical desires without altering your life. 

Now I DON'T know the answer for why each guy bailed on the possibility of more. It's probably different for each one. But I would like to see a guy stick with someone that they like for more than a month and allow themselves to not be held back by the fear and enjoy themselves. 

[xlikeithot]

First Date…Then What?

Last week I had my first date with a new guy since March.

I want to preface this with that I have been really truly happy for the first time in a long time. I have kept busy with myself, I have been reading more, meeting new people and hanging out with my friends. I love my job, internship, volunteering etc. With all this I wasn't going out with anyone. For the first time, I truly don't mind being single because now, it's my choice. I do not feel less fulfilled by not having a boyfriend or "companion". 

But I also don't want to be the person who doesn't date because they are afraid of starting something new or is trying to make a statement about "single status". 

When I was going out before I was doing not the best way. I would go out on one date, fall for the guy, and then get dumped…all within about a month. Now I'm trying to change the pace that I take on dating. I first started talking to this new guy early in May. For about 3 weeks we texted everyday, simply casually getting to know one another. Then I realized that I was starting to like him and asked him if he wanted to hang out. To my delight he did and at about 5 weeks of talking we went out on hangout/date. (He paid but nothing else happened so it's unclear if it was a date per say). 

It has been a week since our "date". We have talked everyday since then still and we have made it clear in various texts that we are attracted to each other and enjoy each other's company. But he has not asked me out again. Nor has said directly that he wants to see me again. I know that one date does not guarantee anything so I am not supposing either or but in the end I look out for myself first and I will not let myself fall for someone who does not make his intentions of friendship or more clear to me.

The lines can be so blurred. But how much time after a first "date' should I wait before I give up on the prospect of him wanting to go out again?  Before I would always ask the guy out. I didn't mind asking the first time but in protecting myself, I know I must wait for him to ask me out the next time and see if he actually wants to spend more face to face time with me. 

[xlikeithot]

LAST DAY OF FRESHMAN FIRSTS

Today I had my last day of classes. I didn't have the same feeling of euphoria I used to have in high school or middle school when I could run into the freedom. Because except for the occasional classes in a day, I was always "free". Not confide to the clock counting down until the last minutes of the day or resolved to one building that I could not leave without permission. High school felt like prison. And yet…I miss the feeling of utter relief and release of tension on that last day of school. 

I still have finals for sure but I am not even anxious about them. I MISS the tension of worrying about finals in high school and the constant fear of doing well. I know Im not making this sound appealing but I felt in high school that I had so much more to prove. Now I feel like school is a part-time position. I never have homework, I have the occasional essay, a few papers but that is it. That was my freshman year. 

Can I say that I LOVED my freshman year? It definitely had its fantastic and memorable moments. But I am hoping that the hype builds up even more in my later years as I get older, have more experiences, and know better what I want to do with my life. 

After awhile, parties get tiresome and school seems pointless. But it is the PEOPLE that will make you want to stay and make more memories. 

[xlikeithot]

SCARED OF FALLING

I am scared of getting hurt. And I have lost some faith.

Over this past week I have known two girls whose long term boyfriends of 4 years broke up with them. Both of these guys ended their commitments over phone calls. After 4 YEARS an entire relationship comes crumbling over one phone call. How can someone so important in your life suddenly become a stranger? Both of these girls I have seen crying constantly, barely functioning with their everyday activities. Because it is a LOSS. But in some ways it's worst because you didn't want to lose them but they wanted to lose you. 

Up to this point I have never felt such an agonizing loss of a significant other because 1. they did not last long at all and 2. I was less emotionally attached

But once (if) we become attached, the worst is when they break those strings and your significant other becomes...insignificant.  

How can I have faith in relationships when they all end? I fear once I start falling then there will be nothing to stop me from the ultimate fall and hurt. 

Is it worth it?

[xlikeithot]

Thoughts about moving on

It's better this way. He wasn't the one. I'm better off. Live and learn. Plenty of fish in the sea. There are hotter guys out there. I DESERVE better. I am happy on my own. It is worth it when you wait. My heart is my own, I own it, not him. There are BETTER guys out there.

Acceptance. 

[xlikeithot]

Things that cross my mind after I've been dumped

When did it all change? Why did it change? When did you decide you no longer wanted me apart of your life? Why does everything we said feel meaningless now? Why did you say those things when you didn't mean it? What about me changed your mind? What's wrong with me? Why won't it work? Where do the feelings go? Did you ever care about me? You no longer care about me? 

Why?….

[xlikeithot]

THE ONE MONTH "AFFAIR"

Okay it's not an actual affair. It would more appropriately be the one month "fling" but affair sounds better

This is a lesson I unfortunately have learned twice over in college. I refer to it as the one month "affair" because for ONE MONTH I share an exclusive romantic fling with a guy and everything seemingly goes really well. They are into me, I am into them. We are attracted to each other. We make each other laugh. We go out on dates. We make out. And we honestly have a really good time with each other…and then at almost exactly one month they dump me. 

Now from everything I said it doesn't make sense really as to why they would end things. Well I forgot that I was going out with college guys and they follow a different set of rules. 

I have learned that the one month mark is about the time when either a fling turns into a relationship or it drops cold and bitter. I realize that these are two different guys but I believe it is a common practice among college guys to drops girls because they don't want it to get serious or they get cold feet. Now I DID NOT bring up commitment but they did know that I was not one to just have sex with them. Another rule they follow which I previously mentioned was the dumping through text. These guys tried to put as much distance between me and him and pretend as though nothing ever happened between us. 

Now these two guys ended things with me for two different "reasons". However, I cannot help but notice how it was exactly a month when their feelings started to change. I don't know if I will ever know the real reason for why the one dumped me when everything was going so well. BUT now I know to protect myself and my heart even more so. AND whenever that one month mark rolls around to prepare myself mentally for a possible dumping. I wish this weren't true but it's better to be safe than potentially heartbroken. 

BTWS sorry for all the dating and boys highs and woes right now! I promise to add more about different aspects of my freshman year soon!

[xlikeithot]

THEORY: THE DRUNK TEXTING

I have never drunk texted someone who was also drunk.

This always seems to happen, whenever I am drunk and text someone they are completely sober or vice versa. Now whenever I am talking to a guy I like, I decide beforehand whether or not I am going to drunk text them. Now here's the theory I have come across. 

"Theory: the person you text while drunk is the person you think of sober."

In my case this seems pretty sound. By drunk texting you have a legitimate excuse to really flirt or be silly with your crush. When your crush is also sober however this can be a great or detrimental. 

2 examples:

I started texting my crush and he actually got mad at me for drinking  and said I was making bad choices (From this blog you should know that I am always careful of my decisions but he was rude so that clearly did not end well)

But for good I was texting a different crush and he joked around with me and poked fun and said he wished he could be hanging out with me etc. 

BUT for the first time I had a role reversal, my crush drunk texted me the other day while I was sober. I have had a thing for this guy for a few weeks and I know how I feel but I am still unclear about how he feels. He is not a booty call type of guy so I know even though it was late he wasn't trying to get in my pants. WHAT IF though this theory is accurate? Not just for girls, but for GUYS AS WELL? What if he drunk texted me because he thinks about me sober? 

I don't have the answer to this question and it may remain a mystery. If this happens to you, don't just assume the theory is correct. Theories are meant to be tested so give it time and see how often this happens! 

[xlikeithot]

College Dating : DUMPED BY TEXT

I really have only dated in college. And what constitutes as dating can get complicated.

Now I haven't been doing this dating/going out thing long but I've learned something of this generation which sucks…guys LOVE to dump through text.

Depending on the person this method of dumping can either be really offensive or a preferred form. What is difficult is when texting is your main form of communication because then it seems natural to dump through text. BUT God forbid guys use their phone to actually call a girl nowadays. But in ALL of my cases this year (particularly 2 guys) I HAVE BEEN DUMPED THROUGH TEXT. 

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In a previous post I quoted John Green about what it means to be dumped. And I AGREE with it completely! I have never "hooked up", which in my case I mean that I have never made out with a stranger or a guy I did not know that well. I have only made out with guys who I like and have asked me out and such. Which has been 2. So going with his definition I have now have kissed guys who, when I wanted to essentially kiss again (or continue the dating process) told me no and dumped me. 

I feel like there's a format out there specialized for guys who want to break up with girls through text because I got almost identical texts from these guys for their reasons for dumping me:

"You're an awesome/cool girl and it's crazy how much we have in common but I don't think it'll work out/I think we should just be friends" 

It SUCKS. FIRST you tell me how great I am. SECOND how we have so much in common. FINALLY but despite all those reasons I don't want to be with you. Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't those good things?

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Both of these flings lasted a month or a little more. Feelings were expressed from each guy to me, so I yes let myself fall for them. Some would say that what we had wasn't dating and technically, no, we were not dating. BUT that doesn't mean it did not hurt any less OR that I still wasn't dumped.

What I am getting at is that there is no great way to be dumped. It'll suck no matter what. But if guys were willing to give you the time of day while they liked you (no matter the duration of time, because strong feelings can develop from either side in a short amount of time) show them the respect and time they deserve by calling or doing it in person. Otherwise you're just kind of an asshole. 

[xlikeithot]

I have a rather narrow definition of getting dumped, which is this: Say you kiss someone once. Now, say you want to kiss them again, but they won't let you, on account of how you're just a good friend and [he] wouldn't want to mess that up, or [he's] not interested in a relationship right now, or [he's] decided to pursue a relationship with a semi-professional bodybuilder, or [he's] worried that if [he] starts making out with you a lot [he] won't have the time for the school newspaper, or [he] thinks you're cute and everything but let's be honest you would be disastrous for [his] social status, or whatever. If any of those things happen (and believe me, they have), you've been dumped

John Green

[xlikeithot]

DRUNK IN LOVE…WITH VODKA

I did not have my first drink until I was 19 on Halloween weekend.

I love vodka. In fact I'm pretty sure vodka and I are in a serious relationship. I can always rely on vodka and it always makes me happy. True love <3

So in this undisclosed place with my 21 year old friend, she invited me over for Halloween and ultimately for my first shot of vodka. Now if you are ever going to drink, I highly suggest you make friends with someone who's 21 because they will get you the GOOD stuff, not the cheap crap frats buy. 

I began the night saying that I would only have one mixed drink…that quickly turned into 2 shots…then 2 more…annnndd then 2 more. I obviously had no idea what kind of drunk I was and I quickly learned that I was a "laugher". EVERYTHING seemed a hell of a lot funnier than it was. I can tell you that this is the BEST kind of drunk because you have a lot of fun without being too serious. I knew at this point that if I drank anymore that I would get sick so I ended my drinking for the night and just enjoyed the rush! WOOT 1ST TIME DRUNK!

Although we were still really drunk, I had to go meet my friend across campus at a party who would be my ride home. Commuter probs. So in our little outfits holding on to each other while laughing hysterically, my friend and I started walking ALLL the way across campus. And was that odyssey a long one...

while walking we both tried to act sober because we kept saying "Cops. They're heeeeere!!" (they weren't)

I had never felt a more dire need to pee in my life. So stumbling along we went into the dorms public restroom and gave sweet relief to our bladders. 

I mildly remember sitting on the bathroom floor laughing saying "I'm sooooo drunk hehehe!" to random girls. 

For some reason we stopped by a male dorm (in my skimpy outfit no less) and I apparently said to a guy that his tattoo was super hot…I somehow got his number that night

I FINALLY get to the party and FINALLY sobering up when I met... The Bastard. 

The rest of the night was actually one of the best nights I've had in college because of The Bastard. But that's another story involving my first heartbreak so it deserves it's own section. 

To sum up this story, that night I learned just how much vodka loved me and that it would be my vice for a looong time. Everyone needs to learn "their" drink and their limits with it. It's a valuable lesson for parties and for whenever you want to have a good time!

[xlikeithot]

THE FRESHMAN 15 LIES!

I wanna reiterate that I am not a "typical" college student. And this includes for the famous "Freshman 15". 

Let me just start by saying that I've always been rather small. Im a short individual but the summer before freshman year of high school, my doctor told me I needed to lose ten pounds because I was on the verge of obesity. Which was a total sack of bullshit but it still kicked me into gear to eat less shit and to exercise more…..and when I say exercise I mean walking on the treadmill like 3 times a week. So hardcore. 

By the end of the summer I lost 13lbs and have remained approximately the same weight since. But to this day though I do not eat healthy nor do I workout. I could but I don't want to. Now entering college I did fear "The Freshman 15" like everyone else. I can tell you right now that the "Freshman 15" is avoidable! 

I don't know about your campus but mine is spread out and over several hills so just walking to class is a workout in itself. A good lesson to learn in college, and for life, is portion control of foods. I like to eat crappy food, but too much of a good thing can really suck (ex. sadly alcohol but that's for another story). So definitely eat pizza every day if you want just not two slices everyday!

The last thing you want to worry about besides school and social activities is your weight. As long as you stay relatively active (even if it's walking ) and don't binge on Nutella every day you can avoid the Freshman 15!