yankumicho

[yankumicho]

Just a Reminder...

Some people don't have a place to eat today. Some don't have the money. Some don't get the time to cook. Some don't have the means or ability to cook. Some don't get to spend time with their loved ones because they are far from them or ostracized from them. Some do not always like the question, "What are you looking forward to this Thanksgiving?," especially when they are not looking forward to it at all.

So, while you are gorging yourselves on all of that food, think of the people who cry silently and often lie to you to cover up their pains.

[yankumicho]

TL;DR I Just Need to Clear My Thoughts

C.S. Lewis once said, “How will I know what I think if I can’t write?,” and truer words have yet to be spoken in regards to our ability to express ourselves. For instance, I am finding difficulty in writing lately, and simultaneously, I find myself unable to express my thoughts coherently. 

There is much I can say, but I’m not permitted to indulge the written word on such topics. There is much I want to say, but I should, as always, temper my thoughts and words with the slight turns of phrase that at least makes it look like I’m not being slightly passive aggressive-even if I am.

As an introvert, expression is infernally difficult. Most people don’t understand me; they feel like they do, but words and actions are not the same. One can verbalize sweet apologies over and over again, but never be present when the other person needs them to be. That is not understanding. It’s not empathy. 

So, I’ve come here-to share my thoughts to a mostly non-judgmental interface and in the best way I know how-by writing-to dust out the bookshelves of my mind and allow my subconscious a chance for allergy relief. 

Today, I heard “You’re too sensitive” as a response to my being upset about some issues I am not allowed to divulge here. Now, to that person, they feel they are pointing out a way for me to improve. I need to “toughen my skin,” as they said. For me, nothing could be more problematic of a statement for someone who feels as I do. The phrase “too sensitive” bothers me. It indicates that I am, in some way, weak due to my sensitivity. 

I cannot help that I feel a lot, yet at other times, can be the most uncaring of persons. I wish I could. I know that I’m a bitch. I know that when I’m not being a bitch, I can be emotional as fuck. I will cry for hours and rethink what someone says a billion times. I will analyze every word for its denotation and connotation, making sure to list any additional connotations that the OED hasn’t added yet. 

I will try to give the benefit of the doubt, then rationalize that trust away with examples of the many times I’ve done that in the past and been stung by a distasteful bitch or bastard who felt that crossing me was okay because “Kelly is nothing.” It has me often feeling like a double person: Kelly, the girl who cares too much and Kelly, the girl who trusts too little. 

I’m a rollercoaster of emotions at the best of times, and at the worst of times, I am emotional, yet stone-faced, belligerent, and often, volatile toward others. I have a lot of anger, a lot of disrespect, and a lot of distrust in everyone. 

The worst thing is, I hate it. I hate that I cannot find relationships where I am not constantly asking myself if they are mocking me behind my back to somebody else, where I am not constantly wondering if they don’t find my quirks to be ridiculous (and myself, ridiculous by extension), where I’m not constantly picking out every word said to me and analyzing it for sarcasm or aggressiveness or disdain. 

I am a consistent worrier. I am so worried about others’ perceptions of me, yet very against being chained to those perceptions. However, it is difficult to balance how I perceive myself and how others perceive me. I feel they hate me, so I must be hateful. Or if I feel they like me, then I must be only tolerable. 

To tell the truth, I don’t necessarily believe it is better to be loved. I certainly don’t believe Machiavelli that it is better to be feared than loved either. I’m kind of in-between. Sometimes, it’s better (for outside’s sake) to be loved than to be the subject of disdain and hatred, and at other times, it’s better to not put up with shit and instill fear into people who want you to do that. 

Certainly, I don’t want to be a bitch unless I have to be, but I shouldn’t be seen as undermining things/people/friendships if I do that once in a while. I shouldn’t be seen as being “too sensitive” either. I feel; I’m sorry that I feel. 

Which is where I’m at in life right now-too tired to care anymore. Honestly, and I can say this without regret, people suck. I really can’t stand most people in life, for one reason or another. However, I recognize I have to deal with them. It’s about a balance. 

Finding that balance is what is the most difficult part. 

[yankumicho]

[yankumicho]

TL;DR That Time of the Month

When people ask me about why I'm so "bitchy" during that time, I really, really, really want them to know what it's like: •2 weeks prior, when the symptoms start, and my legs and back begin to spasm every.single.day •1 week prior, when the blinding headaches start to blend in with the spasms •2-3 days prior, when the excessive trips to the bathroom cause hemorrhoids to worsen, when the legs and stomach swell, when the motion sickness worsens, and when the immune system is compromised and I fall ill •during, when the chronic anemia makes me unbelievably tired and me live on my dependence to pain medication •for this whole period, when the loneliness, self-doubt, and self-hatred creep into my heart and I cry constantly and think my friends hate me This is what I go through, so yes, I can be "bitchy." I can hurt, be offended, be angry, and feel pain. Could you handle it?

[yankumicho]

161127 oohsehun: happy birthday CY🎉🎊🎂

[yankumicho]

@petty fan union leaders

I don't know what to say, but I will like the groups I like and share and enjoy the groups I enjoy on my FB. It's rather insecure to expect every member of a fandom to not post about any other group but the fandom they belong to on their personal page because you got offended for no damn reason.

[yankumicho]

Tables We Eat Upon

Tables of plenty Filled with the trappings Of faire, local and pre-packaged, From cardinal directions And we eat. We eat. We consume while On bridge of confinement Filled with the First Nations Of continent, only local From cardinal directions And they are eaten and consumed full On tables of stone Filled with canisters and rubber pellets Of design to maim all From cardinal directions And they are seized and devoured On the table of business.

[yankumicho]

Things I'm thankful for

1. Friends who allow me the voice I once locked away 2. The car I sleep in at night for providing a place to rest even if it isn't ideal 3. Having just enough money to pay my bills each month 4. Being able to help students succeed because of being given a great mind 5. Students who are receptive to learning and who teach me in return 6. That, despite the constant pain, I am still living and not hooked up to an iv 7. EXO, for giving me some modicum of joy 8. My online friends, for sharing in small joys and being there when I need an ear or hand 9. For being poor, so that I could see the realities of poverty firsthand 10. For being resolute, that I will not sway when the Right tries to attack 11. For being me, full of faults but full of aspiration.

[yankumicho]

July (iTunes Preview) - Kris Wu (buy on iTunes)

[yankumicho]

Electorate, Not Electronic, Blues

Holed up

Clenched down

In corners, with zero sound

Lack of words, somber face

Caved in

To a scary place.

Wrapped up

Crouched down

In nooks, with limited sound

My loaded verbs, electric face

Zeroed in

In my friendly space.

Drolled up

Spoken down

To in enclaves, with uproarious sound

Their ideas, twisted face

Targeted to 

My quiet space.

Fed up

Tied down

In covens, with that silent sound

My whispers, my elated face

Comforts that fuel

My tacit space.

Spoken up

Never down

In daylight, me, with brilliant sound

The voices, my determined face

To bolster

My intellect’s space.

Written up

Cast down

In phrases, with vigilant sound

My words, and my determined trace

To soundly purge

That scary place.

[yankumicho]

SFD bromance is still going on

Yoo Ah-In sent a coffee truck to “Doctors (a.k.a Doctor Crush)” set to cheer Yoo Gyun-Sang up. The banner is saying….

“Moo-Hyul, you must be having a hard time because of the hot weather.” - From your former master, Yi Bang-Won.

And Moo-Hyul’s response is…

"Musa Moo-Hyul! I’ll be sure to beat the summer heat and finish this shooting without any mistake!” #Yoo Ah-In #Yi Bang-Won #My Lord #Your Highness #Master #Hyung-nim #Hyung @hongsick

Anyways, I’m currently watching “Doctors” only to see Moo-Hyul again. LOL

[yankumicho]

Why Can't My Family STFU and Listen?

I posted my support for Black Lives Matter on Facebook. Within 5 minutes, my Trump supporting aunt posts "All lives matter" to my post. Funny, that, since last I checked, people of color, Muslims, women, lgbtq people, and the disabled's lives didn't matter to Trump at all. Within an hour, my friends post MLK quotes like it's going out of fashion. Funny, that, since your 'alm' mess is the direct erasure of the narratives of Black people. Not to mention the whole tone policing thing that those quotes do serves solely one purpose. All of those posts do one thing; they say, "Well, if you were more docile, these things wouldn't happen." Funny, that, considering that Philando Castile did exactly what you're supposed to do and he was shot point-blank by the police in front of his girlfriend and his young daughter. Want to tell me again that MLK quote you hadn't heard until you saw it with his picture yesterday? Want to tell me again that "alm" when Black lives have been spilt for centuries to benefit whiteness? Europeans were too lazy to do their own work, so they exploited others who they saw as "other" to do it for them. None of this is 'new;' none of it is a product of the so-called 'race-baiting' that you pretend happens. When you see it this way, what you've done is exactly what the US has done since it's inception: created enemies. Why do you think we have the phrase "enemies, real or imagined?" It's because most of our enemies are a product of the imagination or of difference in religion, color, or political and economic philosophy. The police have done the same thing here; the media follows them in it; right-wing conservatives bask in it; left-wing liberals try to say they don't benefit from it (but they do--even I do--even the most Progressive white does). So, before you come at me one more time with and 'alm' post or an 'alm' comment, how about you listen a bit, read a bit of first-person narrative about racist encounters and the prison industrial complex and the school to prison pipeline, study a bit about white privilege and systemic racism, encounter true statistics about crime in the US, not manufactured ones for a tweet, and most of all, listen to Black people and their experience above all things. You don't get to choose whether a Black person is oppressed or not. You don't get to choose that. So, please, STFU and listen!! #BlackLivesMatter

[yankumicho]

Low Self-esteem and Voting Preference: The Lies of Faux News

A Fox News pundit just stated that voters/supporters of Bernie Sanders must have 'low self-esteem.' Hmmm....We have low Self-esteem because we back a candidate who understands what we are going through and is working to change those issues. We have low Self-esteem because we voted for a candidate that doesn't pander to big business interests that have exploited workers and consumers for many years. We have low Self-esteem because we want better for our lives than Wall Street owning us, conservatives telling us that our bodies are not our own, reactionaries calling us lazy and saying we should 'work harder' even when we are working ourselves to illness and death only to end up in a food pantry line, and blatant xenophobic, racist 'leaders' promulgating lies and divisive rhetoric in order to homogenize our country and divert our attention from their hatred-filled discourse and damaging public and foreign policy. I'd say we have self-esteem, and lots of it here. We won't stand for injustice toward others; we won't stand for a broken system built on oppression; we won't stand for injustice to ourselves and our dignities. We won't stand for religious overlords or xenophobic businessmen destroying the world. We care about ourselves and our world instead of trying to destroy it. I'd say our self-esteem is high, and ever-ready for the attacks we will face from these misled and misguided peoples-these that would promote hatred instead of love, money instead of justice, and dissention instead of open discourse. So, Fox News, this proud supporter of Bernie Sanders shall now give you a resounding middle finger and frankly tell you where you should put your determination of my vote, that is, up your motherfucking ass. *drops mic*

[yankumicho]

To Get Something Off of My Chest

When I hear smaller women tell me that I am unhealthy because of my weight due to the fact I indulge in a bag of chips once in a while, I cringe. Why is it okay for you but not for me?

Why is everything in this world okay if skinny people do it, but if larger people do it, it’s suddenly wrong or “unhealthy” (god forbid I want a fucking Twinkie)?

We’re both eating junk, so let’s call it unhealthy food and leave it at that instead of qualifying it based on one’s dress size.

Should I eat healthier? Yes. Yet I ask you, have you ever been food insecure? Do you know what you typically get at a food pantry? Probably not. If you knew, then don’t say a thing; don’t fucking judge.

The lesson to glean here is that, despite the difference of size, we both indulge at times and no one should be blamed or shamed for doing so.

[yankumicho]

I almost collapsed when he did this. 😂

baekhyun reenacting his reaction to the strong wind in chicago when he opened the window 😂

[yankumicho]

EXO in Chicago: Windy City, Rush of Feelings

The show was fantastic! It's hard to describe everything about this experience, but I'll try. The EXO concert in Chicago marked my first Kpop and my first EXO concert. As a result, I had a lot of nervousness through the whole process (How do I get tickets?; What is the difference between the lightsticks?; Am I going to be able to see?, etc), and I wasn't sure how anything would go when I got to Chicago. The week leading up to Friday had been difficult; nothing went according to plan, and I worried quite a bit that this trip might have to be cancelled--that I might have to give up on this experience. I'm so glad I didn't. I entered the line at about ten minutes to 6. My mom, bless her, ran to the hotel across the street to purchase batteries for my lightstick, so I stood in line alone. My nerves jumped out of my skin, both at the loneliness and at the anticipation I felt. However, a serendipitous thing occurred. I stood in-between fans who loved to talk, and when I mentioned the weather (so windy and cold), that did it. They began to speak to me, but not like many do, with that "You're annoying but we'll pretend to be nice" voice. One of the girls, I found out, came from Cincinnati, and I thought, "Of all the fans I could have stood by, I found someone from my area!" When my mom returned from the hotel, she tried to find me in line. The sky had darkened completely, and it made it difficult to see. I attempted to call out to her, but my voice didn't carry as it normally does--nerves, I suppose. The two girls in front of me and the group behind me asked if that was my mom, and I said "Yes. She's trying to find me." They began to yell with me and wave. One of the girls behind asked me again if that was my mom, and when I affirmed so, she asked if my mom could be hers for tonight as well. I almost cried because I was touched. When my mom found our newly formed group, she fit in right away. The girls behind and in front of me talked to her and made her feel welcome. They laughed with her and helped me make sure she was okay (she twisted her ankle in Chinatown earlier in the day and her jaw hurt quite a bit). I wanted to say, "Thank you for being so kind," but the words stuck on my tongue like peanut butter. Soon we all separated as we entered the venue, filled with fellow EXO-L. By that time, the show was only 30 minutes away. We found our seats quickly, and I prepared for the show. My mom felt ill, and she asked if she could sit. I said yes, and I felt thankful that no one judged her for sitting during the show. I took some pictures of the stage and a couple selfies, but I took no photos of the concert. This was my first experience, and I wanted to see it fully. (I apologize.) The concert started with "Overdose," and I felt a wave crash down on me. That wave of feels overwhelmed me a bit, but soon, I cheered harder and harder. EXO impressed me with their humor and their concentrated effort to speak with us and interact with us. Even from section 209, I felt like I sat face-to-face with the members. The concert, our conversation. I didn't always understand the purpose of fanchants, but I realized that a fanchant is the initiator of a conversation with the group. For Chicago, our conversation with EXO was a grand one. At some point, the feelings got to me, and I teared up a bit. They worked so hard for us. I'd seen fanvids before and had seen how hard they performed, but there is nothing like seeing that intensity in person. You could tell and feel the love they have for EXO-L though their dedication on that stage. When the boys spoke of how much they enjoyed Chicago and the fans here, it gripped my heart. There's no doubt been issues on the tour, but our conversation with EXO stuck with them. We were one in that moment, EXO and EXO-L. It's an indescribable feeling, really. As the house lights rose at the end, I wanted it to continue. I never wanted it to end, this feeling, this connection with EXO and with EXO-L that I felt here in Chicago. When I go back and ruminate on this moment in the future, I know I will say that my twenty-ninth year featured growth, but also showcased enjoyment, taking a step outside of my norm, and being spontaneous. I know that these feelings will remain. EXO is a part of that history, a part of this memory, and yet, a part of this future. Thank you, EXO for a great first concert experience. I hope to have many in the future as I follow you. Thank you, EXO-L, for your kindness, for your openness, for sharing this experience. Thank you to those of you who read this expression of my sincerity and experience. We are one! Let's Love! Kelly ❤ P.S. Kai is even more sexy and dynamic in person; Chen, Baekhyun, and D.O.'s voices are so divine; Sehun is a sweet kiddo; Suho is funny, but not funny (lol, I died when D.O. said that to him); Xiumin slays as well--his eyes express so well; Chanyeol has so much energy--"Drop That" messed me up; Lay--EXO-L miss you! #MMTMoments #EXO2016

[yankumicho]

EXOluXion #2 in Chicago!

Fan Account will be posted later!