yeenstation

[yeenstation]

Cheap art supplies alley got me acting unwise

[yeenstation]

Health problems are something else when your brain has no concept of time. How long have I had this issue? Uh, long? It could be two weeks, it could be three months? I can't just say that to a doctor, it's gonna sound so stupid. Some time ago I was thinking about the concept of chronic pain and thought to myself "haha I have such low pain tolerance, must suck, couldn't be me" and then I was like. Oh. Oh wait. How long have I had vulvodynia for. I remember complaining about it and being dismissed like three years before that major event that happened almost two years ago. I Guess It Could Be Me. Fuck.

[yeenstation]

Just got randomly diagnosed with one of the annoying bitch disorders, another one in the pocket ig

[yeenstation]

It overrides other stimuli. Your brain has limited processing power, and when you're overstimulated that space is filled with a whole bunch of stuff that is annoying/overwhelming/unfamiliar. By putting on a loud song that you like (love bfg division btw) you are forcing that space to be filled with something you chose, and so pushing out of focus all that overstimulating rest. Now I don't mean to sound preachy, sometimes whatever works just needs to be enough, but please please please consider figuring out how to keep yourself calm while also protecting your hearing. Once damaged you can *not* repair it, and it's not just perceived volume on the line - it's also a very very real potential of tinnitus. For which there is no cure. And if you already have some, by further not protecting your hearing you risk it getting worse. You really don't want to live with screeching in your ears 24/7 forever. What I suggest is using the knowledge about limited processing power to your advantage. It doesn't have to be one channel only - you can keep your music at a safer volume but keep strong mints or really sour candy on you and combine the two to give yourself a strong stimulus, you can grab an ice cube, squeeze the shit out of some stim toys, there are many options. Best of luck, stay safe

Can someone tell me why listening to loud and overstimulating music at high volumes succeed at calming me down when I'm feeling overstimulated?

Cos I'm currently listening to bfg division and overstimulated af, but it's actually just calming me down instead of making it worse. The math isn't mathing!

[yeenstation]

Best braids mess with their strands

Pull my brethren out of this damp

Grounded hound

Earth's cold, wet smell rises when

Pawed, gives in to water

Brown, but I can tell overcast

Looking downward

Some reflections tell me enough

Braiding pathways

[yeenstation]

When I was little I thought I was doing something wrong.

I must've, since I didn't feel the faith everyone else was talking about.

I tried. I recited the prayers in my head, insisted on going to church on Sundays and kneeled, even when the floors were muddied.

Still it didn't make me believe.

I had a nightmare about missed calls from God.

He failed to reach me.

As a teenager I became interested in astrology and occultism.

I had fun with it.

It was like an elaborate play.

The world seemed so much more interesting when I could sprinkle in something magical and pretend to uncover some deeper principles, hidden away from the gaze of the average.

I never believed all of it, but I also never broke character.

That would've ruined the fun.

I shed it as I grew closer to science.

It was one or the other, and I knew only one option worked in the real world.

But I do miss it some days.

Some days I have some envy for the Pagans and Wiccans around me.

Even the Christians sometimes, with their saints and miracles.

I can't help but wonder how much of their faith is real and how much is that elaborate play.

If I could choose to believe in gods and magic maybe I would.

But there's no faith in me, and I can't make it happen.

I don't want to roleplay a belief system.

The closest thing I have to spirituality is continuous wonder of existence.

The closest thing I have to a soul is a body.

When I touch you I know full well that I'm touching an incomprehensibly complex and miraculously alive system.

It feels me.

It's looking right back at me.

I think that's sacred.

[yeenstation]

Big things squeeze the small beans of my heart

And I rat-grasp at crumbs in the rug

Broom's coming, they say

The dry lick of the big mother

I wait

For my fur's crumbled

She too gets hungered

[yeenstation]

Here is her exoskeleton

Warm from the washing machine's spinning drum

Stick overtaken from purified fancy

Submerging in crowdbuilt hum

In bird noise split outward

Run

[yeenstation]

disgust be like eww no good microbe

[yeenstation]

...or you could've just texted...

[yeenstation]

Wondering what kind of sick ass tables Jesus made

[yeenstation]

*gestures at the roman pantheon* behold, a brutalism

i feel like we don't appreciate these days how much the twin towers sucked, like, design-wise

they were contemporarily hated for just being these giant grey monoliths

like there probably could've been an easier way to get rid of them, but they probably needed to go either way

[yeenstation]

What is it about poetry that I've met more people who write it than people who read it? I'm sorry but if you tell me you write poetry but when I ask you who's your favorite poet you say you "don't really like reading it" you sound silly as hell. I haven't experienced this with any other artform. Like what the hell. And then you look at their poetry and it's so fucking obvious they don't read poetry cause if they did then maybe, just maybe, they would acquire some basic feeling for things. "Oh yeah I paint but I don't really like paintings." Bruh

[yeenstation]

I think the term "unmasking" is useful but has its downsides in that it leads us to believe that there is a true authentic self underneath, just waiting to be revealed, and that revealing it permanently is the ultimate goal. We can't separate ourselves from our environments, certain situations require certain behavior. Just because something comes from outside doesn't mean we're somehow less authentic for acting it out. You talk to a customer as you would talk to a customer. It's not concealing your true self any more than other parts of your job do. It's softer the closer you are with someone, but still interaction is a mutual process, in which you ask for some things and accomodate others. It's give and take. The mask metaphor leads us to believe that the boundary between the mask and the self is clear and defined, in there somewhere, waiting to be discovered. But it's just a metaphor, it only takes us so far. Saying "hi" when you greet someone is learned, it doesn't come from some mythical place within you, and yet it's written into you, it's how you act, it's you. Don't get stuck on obsessing over authenticity. The purpose of unmasking is to reduce your mental load, to make your life easier. And it changes you, because you're you - not somewhere underneath there, but here, now.

Unmasking (especially at work)

I've been thinking much about unmasking lately, especially in a professional environment.

I got my official ADHD diagnosis last year and I am quite sure that I am autistic as well. I am also a trans guy and started transitioning almost 7 years ago, so I can't think about unmasking without also thinking about this moment 7 years ago when I decided to stop pretending. To stop pretending to be the woman I never was but also to stop trying to appear "normal". To stop hiding all my struggles, stop pretending I was fine, stop pretending to like stuff that I hated, but everyone expected me to enjoy. I was a student back then so that stuff included social events with a lot of alcohol. I was reading about autism back then, maybe relating to that, but when I decided to be honest to myself and also to the world around me, it was all about showing the world my true self in the sense of a trans guy with mental health issues. I wasn't thinking about unmasking my true neurodivergent self at that time. But I unmasked a lot, I took the first steps without realizing it. I stopped trying to act as normal as possible. But what I did not stop hiding were the traits that I now know are part of me being autistic and having ADHD, which made me feel ashamed for so long. Like not being able to listen in classes. Struggling to keep my flat clean, my notes together, having an up-to-date calendar. Starting one project after another without ever finishing a single one of them. Being so fucking tired after a "normal" day at school to not being able to do anything.

Since my ADHD diagnosis, I consciously decided that I wanted to unmask. And I thought I was doing well. I was more open about the things that were hard for me. Yes, even at work. It led to stronger connections with my coworkers, who felt safe also to share their insecurities. I know, that I am so privileged to work in a team where this is possible. I suspect most of my coworkers and even my supervisor to be neurodivergent. In my last job, my unmasking probably would have led to ridicule, misunderstandings, and… let's say it wouldn't have ended well for me. So I took the next steps of unmasking during the last year, and it felt good. Until some weeks ago, when I talked to two people: my supervisor and one of my coworkers (who is autistic, but I am the only one at work who knows).

When I talked to my supervisor, he asked me, if I felt like I could be myself at work. Having put a lot of effort into unmasking lately, my first answer was yes. He also confirmed that he sees me as more authentic than one year ago. He also told me that I became louder, in the sense of sharing my honest opinion more openly and asking for accommodation. After we talked, I thought a lot about that question. I realized that no, I can't be my true self all of the time. I feel like I can be more of myself within my team, but when I work with other internal teams or even customers, I am far from my true authentic self. And I am not even sure if I want to change that.

When I talked to my autistic coworker, she pointed out how high masking I am compared to her. When she said that, I felt slightly offended. I am not that high-masking, am I? Yes, I spend more time with my coworkers than she does - but I do that because I actually enjoy their company. I usually consciously decide to spend time with them, even if it costs me a lot of energy. But yes, I could ask them not to turn on the music while we're talking. I could ask them to meet in calmer environments generally. And yes, I don't do that because I am still scared that they will like me less if I do. And there are situations when I have to work with our customers directly. I definitely mask then, I am honestly not even sure, which parts of me are actually me and what parts are part of a mask I built over so many years. Maybe, when I decided to be more of myself 7 years ago, I only replaced one mask with another, which fits me more, but is still a mask?

And now I'm here, questioning myself again. Thinking about situations, in which I want to unmask and also about situations, where unmasking is just not safe. I am also questioning what unmasking actually means. And I am shouting it out to this platform, without having any answers. Maybe hoping for more perspectives on that topic. I am ready to hear your thoughts about unmasking, especially at work. What does it even mean? Is it possible? Is it something inherently good or is it even safer to wear that mask?

[yeenstation]

As an autistic poet I think poetry is based entirely on vibes. Maybe the notion that there is some hidden meaning behind the words that you can get to is a false premise. If I knew what concrete, worded thing I wanted to express then I would just say it. Instead I employ language in a different, associative way; because words don't just exist as ways to point to the specific thing. Our minds connect them to emotions, to sensations, to different words, to memories. Of course your memories are specific to you, but there are patterns in human experience, and in my experience a good poem can sometimes evoke a surprisingly specific memory. What's an abstract painting about? It uses colors and makes you feel things (even if the feeling is confusion or indifference lol) and it doesn't have to conform to a specific subject or have a defined goal to do that. That's how I understand "feeling" it. People can have similar feelings but all interpretations are just that - interpretations. This all being very subjective makes poetry inherently a deeply subjective art form. That's why people say that you "either get it or you don't". I think it's a poorly worded sentiment that basically says that because people have different associations, the poem may not evoke the same things in you. But if it could be just said then it would be a sentence, not a poem. I once heard about writing musicals that when you can no longer express the feeling with dialog you start to sing. I think it's like that with poetry

sometimes I wish I did not have anti-poetry autism. metaphor is so confusing to me when it isn't extremely simple or one of the common ones I have memorized. the abstractness leaves me feeling dazed and lost instead of seen and found.

this isn't to say I've never enjoyed a poem. I have. I can appreciate poets like shakespeare who show an impressive mastery of meter and rhyme and alliteration and assonance. all quantifiable metrics.

I can appreciate the beauty in bringing order to chaos by moving words into an order that sounds soothing from its patterns and repitions. teachers and professors like that I can find meaning in the placement of emphasis and where meter and rhyme breaks because the word is too important to leave out.

I never know why the word is too important to leave out. why a synonym that fits the meter doesn't suffice. why there isn't a word that's close enough to the word they wanted that doesn't break the perfection of the puzzle they've been putting together.

when it comes to free verse I am entirely unmoored. I have read walt whitman, rupi kaur, and dozens of others I cannot name. I have read them time and time again. this time will be different, I think. this time I will understand something. this time I will feel anything at all.

again and again, it is like reading a language I do not know. I do not understand why they cannot simply say what they mean.

why can't they simply say what they mean, I ask?

because there are no other words that convey their meaning, is the reply.

I am not meant to understand them, I hear.

If I don't already know, they cannot explain it to me, they say.

I couldn't possibly fathom what their meaning is, so they will not bother to try, I hear.

poetry is the window to the soul, they say.

I am not meant to see into the soul, I hear.

you may read this and say that what I've written here is poetry.

I wouldn't have the faintest idea why.

[yeenstation]

Tfw I use up my one question on "what'd your brother say if I asked him which way is the correct one?" and that lying shithead says "I dunno bro leave me alone"

[yeenstation]

In my crackhead era

amazed how stardew valley either works on me like crack or fills me with deep existential terror and there is no in between