youcanthurtme - Tumblr blog

[youcanthurtme]

Please stop anonymously liking my status updates......especially the ones that deal with you leaving and being gone for good.....just because I cant see your name doesnt mean that I don't know its you.....im not stupid.......i never been when it came to you.........seriously it hurts to get a reaction on things im trying like hell to convince myself......you already made me believe youre not coming back.......i dont want your support........its not helping me one bit....it makes me worse........it just confirms how I've always felt you were so keen to get rid of me. It just makes me expect to get a message or to see you......

Just stop......stop with being nosy......this was what you wanted.........its something youve always gotten despite how I felt and even before I ever said anything to fuck things up.....

Please.......

If anything........if you actually cared at some point, then just stop........as much as I enjoy some of your attention......it hurts to see that you've always been all for me moving on with my life. Jeez dude.....even when youre not in my life, you still find a way to hurt me.....just go...........please.........i loved you.......the fact i still do.........it hurts that I screwed up.........it hurts to feel like this was entirely my fault when you were the reasoning I became so crazy to begin with.....like you sabotaged my chances......you probably did have a moment where you fi ally chose me over megan, but that was after the damage had already been done. I didnt trust you, and God forbid you couldn't get that through your pretty little head.......

I already know......you were tired of trying........it hurts to recall I wasnt worth the effort despite how badly you fucked me up in the first place.......i wasnt worth you fixing your mistakes......i wasnt worth even saying goodbye to......so exactly why in the fuck should I give you the satisfaction of liking a status update that mentions you not being in my life anymore.......it just tells me this was your plan all along and I was stupid enough to react the way that I did......because it got who and what you wanted........while mine never changed, yours always varied from megan to me to the one your with now.....its fucked up being everything I went through for you, but god forbid I put you through hell.........i wasnt worth the dame that I gave you.........

Just fucking stop dude.........just stop.....

[youcanthurtme]

Bear in Mind

Once upon a time

I lived in a lie

Except I wasn't the one hiding

I was being lied to

I tried to bear in mind

She was going to be worth it

As time went on

So did she

Without looking back

Without saying goodbye

I was left to pick up pieces of me

I beared in mind for long as I could

I gave up after time passed

I became cruel

It was my turn to be ruthless

My turn to be heartless

I didn't care

The only thing on my mind

Was how she wasted my time

Making me think I had a chance

More than one time at that

Funny how now I'm the bad guy

When she has been since the start

In the very beginning

She started it all

With that came my irritability

Saying hurtful things

Becoming so fucking angry

It's without a doubt

That I brought this upon myself

My mind bears one question though

Exactly what did I do

To ever have deserved this the first time

I wonder if she realizes

if she never hurt me the way she did

Then I would've been able to be a friend

If she never lied to me

If she never said things that didn't mean anything

If she didn't spend the years

Keeping things hidden and bottled in

I never knew how she truly felt

I just know I was so fucked up

For so fucking long

The thing that keeps me going

Is bearing in mind that I had good intentions from the start

The fact that I still do

How I lost my way after a certain point

When I could feel I was being lied to

I know what I know

I'm not mad amymore

Much as it still trinkles in my thoughts

I bear in mind

I'm not the bad guy

I did and said horrible things

But that was out of vengeance

I wanted her to suffer

I wished she could feel the indescribable pain that I had to feel all these years

I'm not angry

I'm not upset

I'm at peace with everything now

Because

I bear in mind

She'll soon have to endure karma

There's no way in hell she can avoid it

Hopefully then

She'll bear in mind

All the things she did

That made my life a living hell

The amount of time I spent trying to cope

It took me so long to heal

I don't wish for her to be dead

But I hope she feels what it's like to want to be dead

That's all I ever wanted

For her to feel atleast a fraction of what I had to feel

Bear in mind

She's always ran from the heartbreak

Or she just would bury it deep down

Bear in mind

Just because it's buried

Doesn't mean it's gone

When she least expects it

That's when it will all come out in the end

Hopefully then I can be at peace with it

I could bare the thought

That she existed in my life

And I can live with the fact

she isn't here anymore......

[youcanthurtme]

Life Ambition

It's my newly desired passion. It's my drive to become the greatest. It's my goal to make a difference.

One of the good benefits of this, is despite the holidays spent alone, I'm so sure that whomever I date next, will be the one I spend the rest if my life with....and I'm ok with not having you in my life..it means not just this Christmas being alone...its the new years, the Valentine's day, the birthdays......july 4th......they suck to the extent, it's sometimes hard to even take part in them....but now...im aware I'll be spending the next few years enduring waking up alone and going to bed alone, with only seeing the same faces that have never changed.

I looked at the thought of when I do have a life with someone, even if I married at 35 and we lived till we were 90-95, dude that's still 65 years that I get to spend with someone....dude, that's literally 65 Christmases, 65 New Years, 65 Valentine's, 65 Anniversaries......

For me that's well over half my age. I know what I want to do, and It's been the worse past few years. However, I'll know going through what ive been through....what I'm enduring now....its all going to be worth it.....so if it just so happens to never speak to you again...thats fine with me, it sucks you won't be there...but I think about 35, I think of how that's ten years from now. I can't help but think about that's 10 years into a possible professional soccer player.....i feel so passionate about it, and it's the only thing that's helped me find my self. I see and can feel just how much better I get everytime I hit the field. I was told I was always meant to do great things, and I never could really think of anything that captured me. The military, yea sure, but that wad the easy way out. I had to experience life first. It's what I've been enduring that makes me more and more ambitious to make sure I soar above and beyond. At least the career can provide me what I need to get my wife, gf, fiance, whoever at the time, I can afford not only the date nights, but I can actually possibly buy her a decent sized engagement ring. I'm not in a hurry to be tied to someone, because once you're committed, it's not all about me anymore. I won't be just thinking for myself. I'm thinking of my future wife's feelings and what she wants. Then even way later down the road, we'll have kids, and I'll have to think of them too.

The point is, this time period of our lives is meant for us to have that one on one time. The time frame where you should take a step back and think about what you really want to do in life. If the life you live is leading you on that dream. It's more than getting married and just spending rhe rest of your life with someone. If anything, if it's possible, I hope you cross my path in ten years, because I might be crazy.....I still only see myself being with you...if that's how long it's going to be then so be it...i have five under my belt and the years will come and go faster than i think, and I'll be to busy trying to accomplish my dream...

I never thought I could be a professional athlete...i can't help but feel so determined, and this felt like a legitimate thing....i mean trying to join the military, I couldn't see myself going to boot camp, and i get that it hurt when I was denied. It felt like I was stuck...but I've learned everything I possibly needed to learn.....maybe I'm an idiot, but I've always been too selfless. I've had a rough time growing up. I miss it, but its not something id live through again. I'm ok with whatever you choose to do. That's literally not going to bring me down or make me sad when i see you're the only like on the post that I'm not allowed to see. It's good that you keep yourself from me, because my dreams are si much bigger than anything I've ever dreamed... it's a long way to go, and I'm siked to make sure i get there. This feels right more than anything

You realized as much as I blamed you for everything, you did break my heart, you really really hurt me. I know I hurt you just as well. I was in a dark place......i still have my days...it sucks you're not here.....i do hate every holiday that I haven't or won't get to spend with you, and that's every Valentine's day that you're not mine....that's every new years eve ball dropping bringing in the new year kiss that we won't get to have.....its not going to be you that gets to say I do to me on my wedding day......

I'd like to hope so......

But I remember my current mission...

I have to start somewhere, tryouts are fixing to start, and I'm fucking ready. I feel more confident this year. It feels good to know that it's not much but my family being the only ones being here for me. Jeremy taking me to and from the tryouts in Peachtree City. I mean it's nice to be more determine when you think of everything they have done for you and how they helped me more than I thought.....i just try harder so they didn't do all those things for nothing. You did help me get where I am now.

Something I realized today, you saved me well before I saved myself. Do you realize you gave me a life to take take care of? Tripp. If I didn't have him, I know I would've been so much worse.....i think of how he held the perfect balance with becoming lost but not gone astray....so thank you....the fact I had to think of not only my life but to feel tripps life in my hands...it kept me from really really losing myself and or going to jail. I just know how much worse it could have been... Thank you for Tripp....btw he's still an asshole. It really did fuck me up everytime we had to walk away.....i hate it now....but I'm going to do me and set out to accomplish my dream.....

I'll get through the next few holidays.

And I'll get to where I'm going

Im excited to be able to let you go

It's about time

Its time for putting my self first

And make something out of my life

I got this...

If I didn't go through what i did, I would still be lost.... I'm ok without you......but it still and it will always be a scar that hurts. It just really makes me more ambitious. I love what the pain has done for me.....much as it sucked......we didnt much time spent....but yet you saved me more than you know. I know the only thing we can agree on now is the fact of wished things didn't turn out the way they did.....i guess that's enough for me..... enough to not be angry and to not want to bother you. Take care. Have a merry Christmas @radbakon

[youcanthurtme]

@radbakon

Happy Thanksgiving

This past Thanksgiving was literally the best ive had in years. For once I didnt have to force myself somewhere i wasnt wanted. Ashlyn apparently doesn't consider me immediate family or even a friend to tell me that herself. I had to find out through her mom. In which, stood up for me, considering me to be family because of how long ive been around and the things ive done to help.

As much as it fucking sucked to feel like I was the only reason that Alyssa cooked here instead of spending the day with her daughter and grandson, it still felt so damn good to not only feel someone stand up for me, but damn it felt better knowing that i was welcomed. For the first time in a long time, i didn't have to force myself somewhere I wasnt wanted. I know you never not once found me worth that. Even if it wasnt meant to be anything more....the fact after everything ive ever done for you, wasnt enough to stick up for me or be determined that I was going to be around despite how it made anyone feel. Even as a friend, I atleast deserved that much.

It sucks that you never did. It kills me that you dont even care about this. However, you should know, that this Thanksgiving only made me realize that not only Ashlyn wasn't a friend, but you never were either. As much as you argue differently, you dont understand how much that even if I was in your life, I never felt welcomed. Its nice to feel like I belong and I'm wanted. Its nice to feel despite the stupid things I say and do, the fact I'm considered too be a part of someones life and to feel like I'm worth sticking up for. It's more than what you ever made me feel

I shouldn't have felt the way that I have. This recent Thanksgiving has made me seriously see just who I should have been thankful for.....and for the first time in five years, in thankful for people that's not you. I'm thankful for them showing just how much I mean to them when all those years ago, you sure as hell didn't. I dont hate you. I just wished you would have seen what I found you worth and how much you meant to me. I wished I wohldve meant enough to you to have been able to spend a holiday with you..... knowing what I know now, I'm ok with never spending a holiday with you for as long as I live. It sucks, but it's whatever. It's your loss. It's always been your loss. It's time I be at peace with that and not let it hurt me anymore. Yea you're hurt with what I've said, but you don't hurt anymore. Obviously. However, how much I gave and what I got in return has always left me hurting beyond tears. You don't even care, and for the first time ever, I don't care either.

Happy holidays kourtnee......these will be the last ones that I bother writing or even wishing you a happy holiday. Have a great life. Goodbye.