yurika-ai

[yurika-ai]

I've been mistaken

I thought I was on the right path to become someone real.. but turns out I've been mimicking a heroine's way of survival.. which of course wouldn't work on real life.. I fake kindness, I fake smiles hoping it would turn to be real like the real heroine if she was to be real.. but then I failed to hide my thorns..

I see why I was getting fed up of the stereotype of Male Leads with dark past healed by heroines.. I thought It was enviable thing to score someone trustable like a fate.. but it turned out I was referring my self to the Male Leads' dark past.. and my stand was actually to be wanting with someone who would healed me from my trauma..

It was shocking.. I thought I was a strong woman but then I knew I have trauma in a lot of things.. I got scarred a lot.. I got scared a lot.. I even admitted that I'm a coward to people, as I was rationalizing my personality as reasonable..

But it turned out I didn't properly acknowledge my scars, I deliberately keep trying to forget that I've got bleeding scars..

Why am I like this? I thought I was living a normal good life, good salary, even if I do bad at job.. I was proud that I seems to be smartest when the truth is that I was less competent than those I deemed less.. I didn't want to admit, but yes I've turn into a worse person than I ever could be..

I am too smug to the fact that I am literally the most successful child in my family, getting into relatively good state university and dream jobs my bro and sis failed to get into, .. why I do feel worse mentioning this? i thought all of this was my little revenge to my parents who seems to always leave me out and never tried to listen to me.. "see, im better than them, you should regret a lot" .. but it turned the one who regret the most was me..

i forgot my enthusiasm to learn new things.. I forgot how huge my effort was to get my parents approval to do little things that I want to do, when it took my siblings so fucking easy to do those things without screaming and heartbreaking drama like I did.. I've been grooming jealousy for who knows since when..

I thought I have growing up, that I have notice my siblings failure come from bad parenting that I should be proud that at least I fought hard to compromise.. but I'd still feel bad when I remember the past.. I think I might have just forgotten them, and yet I might have just failed to move on..

I resent them, But I can't seems to hate them.. I just want to move on.. for the miserable life that I can't seem to stir as I like because I've forgotten the fact that I was not perfect, and that I'm scarred in many places.. I hurt so many people justifying it as inevitable.. I lost contact of so many friends that I had along the years.. yet I'm getting scared so easily if my parents start hating on me..

My relationship with God who saved me from suicidal thoughts in the past couldn't have been worse.. now it's more like I was just doing it for people to see.. my faith is hollow like the person that I am..

I thought to be better I just need a new role model to mimick, so that's how I begin my little obsession finding a heroine that match with me.. I thought maybe my life's plot could head the same direction if I were to copy their manner.. in which I know it was pointless.. and so stupid.. tho I've been doing it for so many years of my life without me ever realizing this.. not until today..

Who am I? I wish I could see you.. I wish I could healed my self..

I want to tell myself

Stop having mixed feeling, mixed decision.. be decisives..

I want to tell my self

It's okay you don't have to be conscious of what males thought of you.. you're not looking someone to find you anyway.. be okay.. let God do the rest.. remember just be okay..

I want to tell myself

It's okay, you can work it out.. I know you can do whatever you put your mind into.. I know because I'm you.. it's never be impossible.. don't listen what mother taught of you of what normals or not normals.. just listen to your normals.. it's never been a thing because being humble is not about being normal.. you can still be humble and still be awesome.. just remember to put all of you into it while you're at it

I want to tell myself

To stop worrying about useless thing.. make a grand planner and works toward it.. this time without you telling anybody.. it's just us and let's see what we can achieve..

I want to tell myself

Instead of hope, you need goals..

Instead of humans..

You just need you in whatever form you are now..

[yurika-ai]

some little thing

The next thing I realized when I opened my eyes was..

the dizzying light that shine through the window..

it was warm and and it was quite soothing unexpectedly..

a cozy and relaxing atmosphere in the morning..

even today, I felt grateful..

my breathe, my vision.. 

again I was blessed this morning..

[yurika-ai]

but, I wished I wasn't..

i was waiting for you..

there's a time when I was lost.. like I'm being alone without you.. like you chose to be with someone else..

I was waiting for you..

as I stare into nothingness.. like it was and is still a hell even now.. like would it still be a hell even in the future?

I was waiting for you..

but, I wished I wasn't..

[yurika-ai]

i’m sorry.. you’ve been through nothing but regrets as your depression deepen.. 

for not noticing that you’ve been hoarding misery as you keep procrastinating your real life..  

for not noticing that you’re sick mentally, I forced you to keep going on life through someone else’s passion and dream.. 

deep burying your dream as if it was never meant for you..

for not trying to get to know you better, your wish, and your passion.. 

for keeping you always in the dark, not even trying to search on light sources..

for spoiling your body rotten and living unhealthily..

for giving up ever so easily.. and for not even trying to be the better you..

I’m sorry..

i’m really sorry..

Thankyou so much for everything.. 

[yurika-ai]

title of no titles

some people might lose then rise again..

I wonder how it felt.. how they actually conquer themselves,,? the sleepless nights resulted in sleepy morning.. the cold air from yesterday felt friendlier than tomorrow’s mystery..  how did they overcome that? 

[yurika-ai]

Changes

Changes is when "what you can't do means you can't do it" becomes "what you can't do now may be what you will be best at in the future" -- moral values from 700chapters of Naruto.

A: "I will forever hate php script" B: "yeah.. coming from one who have no choice but to be a programmer" A: "TT"

[yurika-ai]

Taking Back Words

"Never taking back words" might be the most impossible task, though.. -- moral values from 700chapters of Naruto

A: "what's your opinion of this song?" B: doesn't really listening "err yeah good" A: "then it's fixed. let's pick this song!" B: realized, "wait! what song?" A: impatient "this song" B: "no way it's way too dull" A: "You just take back your words!! worst human!!" B: *Crap

[yurika-ai]

Shy Girl

"The shy girl have the loudest spirit" but winning the canon ship because of pity from the creator. -- moral values from 700chapters of Naruto

A: "It's reality after all,, -_-" B: "wait, whose side are you on actually?!?!"

[yurika-ai]

Death and Dearest

"you have to protect to death for what you hold dear" is the most beautiful words -- moral values from 700chapter of Naruto

A: "I love mmorpg games, I don't care anything else" B: "Right! tell me your chara name, I'll go pk you after this over" A: "I'll just kill you right now -_-"

[yurika-ai]

Hardworks

"Hard works will be high rewarded eventually" might be the only most realistic words -- moral values from 700chapters of Naruto.

A: "I've been clicking this and that for half day, but nothing comes out good! Really php and mysql are immortal enemy" B: "Don't just do the clicks, you stupid" impatient "Do typing as well!!" A: "No way! copy-paste works better, you know!" B: "Hereby I deem you 'The Fool' forever" A: "Are we talking about Tarrot cards now? B: -_-

[yurika-ai]

Rival

"Rival = a good enemy" the most ambiguous intermezzo -- moral values from no yet near ending Kimi ni Todoke.

A: "C is so lucky to be accepted in big company just right after graduation" B: "I'm surprised that you actually care about things like that? A: "what do you mean?!? your tsukkomi won't work against me anymore!! B: "It's not tsukkomi!! and none of my tsukkomi ever works against you!!" A: "oh really?" satisfied. "anyway, C was a good enemy" B: "Thats rather strange way of putting words. Knowing C had been helping you with your php-script phobia for years" -_-

[yurika-ai]

Yume?

I was there. 

I was screaming “Yay!!” with great excitement. 

It was cold but I could be careless due to me feeling fulfilled.

I could smelled the cold winter, but my surrounding was green and it was quite sunny. 

But, I was there.

Inside the gates of a university in France.

 I was screaming “I did it! France!!”

I have no idea whether it was just being carried away or it was really something that my deepest heart has been shouting all the time. 

But right after that moment, I woke up. 

ahh.. been sleeping for 12 hours..

[yurika-ai]

Oregairu and My worries

in the beginning of the long run 'Oregairu', I was always under impression that 8man will end up with one either it is yukino or yui.. but after reading it chapter by chapter, and volumes by volumes, I come to conclusion that forcing him to choose one from his newly found 'precious environment' is a cruel side of mine.. therefore I waited it up, patiently collecting the pieces together.. and here I found out when 'wataru watari himself said that Oregairu will have it's ending soon'.. I am terribly afraid that the things will stay as it is, friendship as ever.. though, it has yet been coming to the resolution,, but as the titled stated 'My seishun love come wa machigatteiru'.. more or less, even though love words indicating romance themes were mentioned, wataru watari certainly never have said that it must have to be ended as love story ... means even friendship is still along the way..   it might be okay, but i hate such ending,,  it sound more superficial than anything that the 'three' were against to all along the series..  Yui has feeling for 8man, that's for sure.. and to think that there is no resolutions to it yet, after 11 volumes is a little worrisome.. you know, can you imagine when yui confess, it would have a need a whole volume to cover.. and there is still hachiman's request riddle..also yukino and hachiman's real feelings.. I heard some predicted 'Oregairu' to end in 12 to 13 volumes.. but knowing wataru watari's long explaining stuff on the event.. I guess it could even prolong into 15 volumes at the least?

[yurika-ai]

SO Basically Sarada knows NOTHING about the pros of being an uchiha,

Now look the close up to her eyes..

Especially in the last panel, Look how blurried her eyesight looks,We all know Sarada has problems with her Eyesight, she wears glasses because she sees blurry otherwise

Does this remind you of something?

[yurika-ai]

The hell in our stars

How many times thought that you’re not alone, but still end up as loner as ever.. People never change.. how many times you thought them reliable, it soon becomes the act of disgraceful and disorientated characters. . And the very same reason ever as giving up being a loner.. riajuu is hell…

[yurika-ai]

Stories and Histories

Perhaps I'm not kind of the people who celebrate or who is not going to celebrate the valentines day.. it doesn't matter.. for me It is just a day of many.. I neither need to hate it as well.. people do believe in stories and histories, though neither can exactly be a truth once told.. So this story kinda move me.. be it love or not.. there's always a person that we can't imagine to live without..so for me.. free chocolates is nice.. I'll keep it just like that.. http://fb-22.sfglobe.com/2015/01/30/husband-and-wife-hear-each-others-thoughts-on-marriage-after-56-years/?src=share_fb_new_33732

[yurika-ai]

“I honestly think it’s a manga author’s role to connect people. So I’m really happy that some form of a relationship between perfect strangers can develop (because of my story).”  -ODA EIICHIRO