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yuyuuuuuuuuuuu · 5 years ago

Text

Apology

Dear Gagan,

I hope this letter gets to you safely.

I am full of regret. I am in pain. And have been in pain every day since we got back together when I left you. Because of the injury, the misery I caused you, because of the distance ... because I could not hug you and make you physically FEEL the love I have for you. To wake up and say Morni to you in person, kiss you in the cheek then put my arms around you and stay lazy bum for a few minutes in bed, smelling your long hair that would be in my face while we spoon together in bed for a little while before getting up.

For me, not being able to give you that type of love hurt me more than anything. And I carried that pain every day. It made me sad. Sad that I was unable to heal your wounds, our wounds. Heartbroken that we still had to endure the long-distance. So I hurried and rushed I was not thinking of priorities, I was not smart. I became selfish with my pain and wanted to make things right. I booked a ticket to travel over there as soon as possible and see you. With the mentality that I would fix everything, and we know how that turned out.

I did not close the chapters fully when I contacted you. I was dealing with many emotions at the time. The therapist I was seeing could see that I was trying to make sense of everything. And at the same time, I was denying that I made a mistake in leaving you. I could not make my self bear that truth. But with more and more visits to the therapist, I started to realize that I made the worst decision of my entire life. And that I would be regretting it my whole life. I started panicking. I began to feel like you felt when I left. The therapist told me not to contact you until I was better. I asked her why did I regularly create so much pain in us when all I wanted was to love you. That is when she told me that it's because I never knew what love is, so I could not or was not able to give something I never learned and saw how to give. I became desperate to find you. Instead of finishing my therapy, close the chapter I was in, resolve some feelings I had, and move on from my hurt ego, I instead followed my selfish emotions. It was not because I felt lonely, but because I realized the REAL love we had. I began to confront the realization of my mistake for the first time since I had left you.

I went on the trip to see you and fix everything I had done in life, I thought. But when I arrived, we soon discovered something was off, and it became clear nothing was okay. I had trouble trying to understand how to make you happy. The relationship was not in good condition, and my emotions were not in the right place. I did not know what to do ... Precisely as my therapist had foretold. You could see and feel the disturbing aura as days went by, I tried but had no idea what to do, how to give you love. Things kept getting worse with the mistakes I made there as well. To top it off, I still hadn't fully closed my past chapter. My ego was still hurting. But I knew I loved you more than anything. I was feeling pretty scared going alone to get a tattoo, But I had worked on it for a month putting love into it, my love for you in it. Yes, the situation of the relationship made me doubt to put your name in it. But I knew I wanted it there no matter what. It was so stupid of me to pretend I was going to get a good reaction from you, especially at the time and place we were in, but that's me, a retard who doesn't know how to love, but in love. In the end, the whole thing was very depressing, and I gave up. It was so painful, I caved in and did the only thing I knew what do do when in pain, and it was to try to ignore it. I grabbed my laptop started playing a game, watching videos. All I knew was that the relationship was not working out. I wish you could see the pain that I was in because I know the pain you were in, I could see it. After I came back from India, I felt de-motivated with my self. I kept saying to myself repeating over and over, "I was there with her, and look all that I did; Nothing" Just more hurt. I still repeat that in my head, over and over. I will never forgive myself for all the pain. But this trip in specific I will always feel remorse because of the way I acted and behaved.

Once I came home, we talked about it, and I apologized and begged for you to forgive me. I know that I love you, Gagan. It has always been like that. We talked, and you said you felt stuck over there so I started to move and do the paperwork for the K1-visa. I Printed everything, bought a book, read it, followed it, created documents, we got everything ready. Then we hit a snug, the letter. We got stuck there because you had to write your letter stating the intent to marry me.....I don’t know if you remember but ...I did mine, here it is;

Re: I-129F, Petition for Alien Fiance Letter of intent to Marry Petitioner: Joel R****** Beneficiary: Gagan*** *** ***

Dear Sir or Madam, I am the Petitioner, Joel R******. My alien fiancee Beneficiary, Gagan*** *** ***, and I respectfully submit this Letter of Intent to Marry as proof that I intend to marry Gagandeep Kaur Gill within 90 days after the approval of the K-1 Fiancé Visa. Being far apart from my love and darling has created anguish and sadness in my heart. Every day that I go without Gagan**** by my side becomes empty and more agonizing as the days pass by. I am deeply thankful with life for meeting her and even more grateful to have her as my fiance and partner. I am truly the happiest person to know she would have me as her husband.

Please find attached the following supporting documents as further evidence of our impending marital ceremony:

I understand why you got stuck there. So far, I had just shown you pain and misery for the most part. There was love, but the mistakes outweigh the love I was giving. So it was probably hard to write the letter. We also got stuck there because you had to send the letter to me. Since it had to be signed personally by you, I believe that hit us hard because we knew it would make things even longer. I was trying to give you time and not pressure you. I didn't want to keep asking you over and over for the letter. I instead focus my energy on adding more evidence for our intent of marrying each other, and I thought Pratick could take pictures at our wedding. I asked him about it, he agreed to it. I even found a document/agreement form that he could sign, and we could add to our documents.

...But one day turned into two, and two into three before we knew it, quite some time had passed, and the whole CODIV-19 suddenly starting to happen. We became more worried about each other's health and well being, our families, and what would happen in our countries. We also realized that our K1-Visa process came to a halt. That affected us. It affected me. I remember walking towards the living room where my stepfather and mother were at that moment, and I told them, "I will be going to India" They both looked at me like I was crazy. I was going to drop everything in my life and just go be with you. I had no idea how bad it was going to get, But I did not want to be away from you during those times. If something happened to you, I would die. I needed to be there in case you needed me, in case you got sick, or they locked the countries for years. I could care less about my job or money my brain and heart were telling me to leave, and be with you, protect you, love you. Parents talked to me, you spoke to me, and I calmed down. But here we are, in this limbo of situation.

At first, I thought we were doing fine. But I was stupid for thinking like that. I had numerous issues, and you even asked me to write a letter with all the stuff that I was doing that was hurting you. I wanted to do it ...But I did not even know where or how to start. Maybe it was also because I didn't want to meet the monster I am, I did not want to face how much I've hurt you. Days kept going, I became complacent and forgot about doing the letter I started and kept pushing the excuse in my head that I was waiting for you to make the K1-visa letter for us to move forward.

All this time I was ignoring my other thoughts and emotions as well. Like I said before, I left the therapist without even feeling better or finishing the therapy. My ego was hurt, and I was still bothered by it. This COVID-19 made me us all be more closed off, fewer distractions in life, and it made me confront my damaged ego. Thoughts started to appear in my head, but I pushed them away, it was not a big deal. But every time I felt wrong about myself the thoughts of her kept coming up, and I didn't understand why I mean I liked her Gagan, but I never loved her nor I have feelings for her at all. But there she was bothering me in my head. All this time, it was my ego which was correlated to my emotional state, and that would trigger it. Then a few weeks ago you started to talk suicidal, and that was the worse feeling ever because it confirmed what I already knew, I guess, which was, that I was doing a poor job as a partner. And it's true, could indeed have been doing more every day of every minute to show you, my love, to be working towards each other, etc. I got complacent, waiting.

I realize this, and got up one day and told you; Gagan, I had enough I want to be with you, what needs to be done, why aren't we advancing. I started making some changes in my life and committing to them. For example, my Addiction to masturbation since I stopped, I haven't looked back... I set up a date with my sister for her to come by so we could take the picture and video. I bought a folder so I can create our package, not any folder, a folder to keep forever with us. I was fully invested in moving the wheels of our relationship. But I was still not realizing that I have a sack of problems that I have to address in me. But I try... and one of those things was my ego, Gagan ...I was trying to understand why she keeps popping in. I wanted her absolutely gone. I did NOT want to repeat the same mistake when I visited you last time of not fixing myself and not being one with my heart and brain. I wanted to give my all. ALL OF IT, every single gram of thought and sweat, every inch of effort of love is what I wanted to give when I saw you again. I needed to do something, and I was trying. Most of my conclusions concluded with me needing to get closure and that I never finalized that chapter. I did not know how I was going to do that. A few days ago I saw a phone number in my DUO app and realized it might be hers. I thought this was the way I could finally end this! I didn't know how to go on about it. So I just message her without thinking much or expecting much. I said what I wanted to say, I wish I could of said it in person and I tried to be as honest as possible, not for her, but for me to just finally leave it there and forget about this forever. After that, I deleted her contact info in Duo as well

Now... I realized that I should have done things differently. Maybe I could have gotten a therapist I don't know. What I do know is, that it did work. But it created another problem within me, which was us. I didn't want to hide things from you. You know everything about me, and I wanted to keep that transparency and honesty. Especially going forward with this new person that I was and I am trying to be. I needed to tell you.

So I grabbed all my guts and courage. And I told you. I was just trying to be honest with you. I did not want to hide things from you. After that, you wanted the whole message, and I was not %100 honest with you about what I wrote in the text message because I was getting scared I became afraid of how things were going, how you would just take it the wrong way, not understanding that I needed to do that.

I am sorry. Forgive me. I understand that I started to change my ways too late. I wish I was better to you long ago. I wish I was smart enough to be able to recognize that my ego was hurt and I wish I would have given you enough love where I would felt confident and open to be able to talk to you about it with no issues, knowing deep that we both love each other no matter what. But it was not like that.

Every day I would wake up knowing that all I want is to be is with you and asking life why aren't we together yet, and damning the pandemic, instead of working on my self, on my being. You made me always discover my faults that I never knew were there etc. I have been manipulating in the way I say some things, Gagan, but with good reasons behind them. With reasons of loving you, not losing you. I am not excusing anything I have done. Everything is bad. I am bad. But the only intention was to be with you and not lose you. It was to be with you, respect you, and love you. But I was weak, afraid, dumb.

Right now, my life looks like nothing. There's nothing. The only thing I have is hope. Please, Gagan, don't do this. Do not remove me from your life. I beg you I plead to God to please show me the way. I never wanted to hurt. I see what I have to do now. It is not like times before, where I know what I did wrong but not knowing what steps I should be taking ahead. Today I know what must be done. I can't be weak, I have to put effort * every day not just in the relationship but on everything around me to better my self for you. I need to be attentive in MANY ways. I need to learn many things... and fix many more. I told you one day that I thought I was narcissistic, and I should get help. You said I wasn't, and I believed you. Now you see that you were partially wrong. I might not be entirely one, but I do have narcissistic tendencies that I have to work on.

Please do not give up on me.

I'm getting help. I'm getting a therapist I've already contacted someone. Please, Gagan, my love for you has no limit. I know that you can't see that right now at all, but it does not mean you won't ever see it... I am sorry for being retarded, slow in recognizing things, and understanding situations. I AM SORRY FOR BEING FLAWED. I don't EVER plan to leave/forget you from my heart. No matter what. Gagan, please acept my apology, please forgive me. I love you

Every day I felt and feel bad mainly because of the hurt I had created in you. I would wake up every day wishing I could be close to you, thinking of ways I could make you laugh and make you happy, make you smile... I did not know how else to give love. I AM SORRY. EVERYTHING CHANGES FROM NOW ON. It did not start changing today or yesterday. I actually started changing that day I was talking to you were you thought I was high, I was talking to you about how I felt different my focus was on us, our happiness, your happiness.

I understand there are consequences to my actions. Trust me, I know I will be in pain every day of my life because of every mistake I made with you, with us. I understand that I have been making you wait over there, that you feel like you haven't accomplished anything. I am sorry. I am sorry I was born over here. I am sorry for prolonging our path with my flawed being, and in the process generating mistakes after mistakes. I am sorry, Gagan. Please understand that I was NEVER using you. EVER. I wanted to be with you always. that has never changed and it never will.

I am not asking for another chance I do not deserve anything from you. I do plead to you, do NOT remove me from your life. You are everything to me. Please.

If you go away from my life I will have NOTHING. You are and will be the love of my life. Always. I want to earn every single love, affection, words, and moments with you. I want to show you why you're the love of my life, why you so perfect to me, why in my eyes when I see you, all I see is life, happiness, peace. Do not give me anything Gagan, Let me start from zero. Let me work for your attention, for your love, for the right to be with you, for the privilege to be by your side, and In return, you will get a lifetime of my love, happiness, and joy. My unconditional love towards you that you always deserve. Which you continuously had and will eternally have. There's nothing you can do that will stop me from loving you.

Our souls have and are truly connected. I am sorry that mine is, crumbled up, mistreated, and torn. You deserve a better me, please do not go... Do not remove me from your life.

Do not let go of me. Don't let me fall.

Try and remember our sincere moments of happiness, joy, the care, the genuine love we had. I can do better, Gagan, for you, for us. We have had good memories, few and stretched far apart, but we have had them, and the genuine love is there, a love that we will never have with anyone else and that I don't want to have with anyone else but you. A beautiful thing comes to mind, something that we do... I love how we used to give each other love by making those doggie yawning sounds with our mouth closed like we are acknowledging each other's love and saying I love you at the same time. I'm not sure how to describe it. But it's so beautiful when our love blooms and shines. It is that kind of love that we will not find anywhere else in this world. It's our souls guguni, our souls playing and loving each other. I understand you have a lot of emotions right now, resentment, anger, hatred towards me. I deserve them and more. But please, Gagan, do not cut me off. Whatever your plans are whatever you want to do today go for it, I will follow you no matter what. I will work to win your love if you permit so.

Please read this, and read the letter I made for us. And think about it. Please see some pictures of us, any... Then tell me.

Forgive me, Gagan My love is yours eternally <-(click) Sincerely, Joi, Monku, putu, Joel...