zodiac-crab

[zodiac-crab]

[zodiac-crab]

Normal Horoscope:

Aries: Sort through your room and remove any meat you no longer wear.

Taurus: Heartlessness is nothing to be proud of, but neither is having a heart that isn’t yours.

Gemini: [Segmentation Error]

Cancer: Learning to drive is only as useful as the pedestrians you don’t hit. 

Leo: Your habit of purchasing old amulets from mysterious antique stores will end up 

Virgo: Try not to eat several balls of yarn while taking your firearms licence test. 

Libra: Make eye contact with a stranger on the bus and switch clothes with them through sheer force of will.

Scorpio: All of your friends would say that you are serious, driven, funny, and clever if they still had their tongues.

Ophiuchus: The only permanent state of being is death and even that’s debatable. 

Sagittarius: Nobody can criticize if you if you have no concept of self. Give yourself to the universal whole, or the hive mind, either one.

Capricorn: Butter is not an acceptable replacement for children. This is your third warning.

Aquarius:  Its still misogyny if they’re dead. 

Pisces: Replace your V-card with the new V2 card to propel yourself across the English channel.

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the signs as outfits worn by ebony dark’ness dementia raven way and friends

ARIES: a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. TAURUS: blak lacey leather pajamas GEMINI: a blak plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz, a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. CANCER: a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets. LEO: a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt VIRGO: goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties), blak congress shoes and black baggy pants. LIBRA: a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos. SCORPIO: a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels SAGITTARIUS: blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly CAPRICORN: a blak ripped up suit wif Vans AQUARIUS: black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik) PISCES: a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top.

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Benders hands

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wlw

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The Signs at the Library:

Aries: Stalking the aisles upstairs and clotheslining unaware guests. There are signs warning you about them. 

Taurus: Teaching several small children about phonics. They know nothing about phonics, they thought the seminar was about phones.

Gemini: At the best part of their book, they weep loudly.

Cancer: Drunk.

Leo: Hoarded several snacks and pillows under a worktable and now lies in their nest reading something. Security attempts to dislodge them despite the fact that they really are not bothering anyone.

Virgo: Conducting an impromptu erotica table reading/workshop.

Libra: Attending the weekly watercolor classes to show those 4th graders who’s boss.

Scorpio: Currently engrossed in “An Illustrated Guide to the Plants of New England”. They think its a manga.

Ophiuchus: Dueling, but quietly as not to disturb the other patrons.

Sagittarius: Running the illegal black market library from the bathroom.

Capricorn: Proudly wielding the book club.

Aquarius: In the middle of solving the library labyrinth. They are stuck on the marble puzzle in the clock tower.

Pisces: Impersonating a librarian to lead patrons astray.

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please do not disrespect the moon

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astrology ask thing

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Normal Horoscope:

Aries: Armed only with your trombone and the funk in your heart you will hurtle yourself unto the breach to seek a lover taken too soon.

Taurus: You are the biggest girlfriend. All others shall quake beneath your herculean strength. You hold the vault of the sky and can drop it selectively on people you dont like.

Gemini: If someone asks as to why you are carrying around a pair of industrial bolt cutters take a moment to consider how much effort it would take for you to answer.

Cancer: Its reverse cremation time.

Leo: Seek the lighthouse before it seeks you. Wear dark clothing and move as quickly as possible.

Virgo: In case of emergency you can wield a computer mouse like a mace. It is effective against laptops used as shields.

Libra: Life has no victory condition. There are no losers in life. Having an orgasm on the moon is pretty impressive though.

Scorpio: I think you mean Dire-Good-Boy.

Ophiuchus: If you are going to die you might as well do it in rollerskates. Have fun until that last moment. Go out rollin’.

Sagittarius: The sauce is increasing the tide is rising hold your breath and prepare your gnocchi. 

Capricorn: Curses can be caught in silk blankets and tossed back without going off.

Aquarius: Time will flow in reverse briefly today and you’ll think you’re high. It will be fine.

Pisces: Today an angel will descend from the sky to tell you to eat more raw grains.

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it’s 1am. reblog crab dance

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cancer moon

🐰 cuddles!

🐰 the mom friend. always knows how to take care of other people, the free therapist 💯

🐰 probably likes art

🐰 loves lana del rey. fight me on this

🐰 talks softly most of the time. may have a relaxing voice

🐰 really deep and might be kind of shy

🐰 they love talking about themselves and being the one that shines in a group of people but may never say it out loud lmao

🐰 won’t talk about their insecurities

🐰 the intuition is no lie, people!!!

🐰 dependable and really loyal

🐰 they value their family a lot

🐰 compassionate, kind and forgiving. wants to be loved by everyone

🐰 and they try loving people. they love to love

🐰 but will hate you forever if they see you looking at any animal in a slightly bad way

🐰 will help everyone in any kind of situation. wow so it is 3 am in the morning but you have 200 questions left from your homework? call a cancer moon they’ll be there in a minute!

🐰 may be conventional

🐰 homebuddies mostly. may be lazy too

🐰 curvy most of the time

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The signs as Hozier tweets

Aries:

Taurus:

Gemini:

Cancer:

Leo:

Virgo:

Libra:

Scorpio:

Sagittarius:

Capricorn:

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unusual truths about the signs

aries: can actually be super fearful. mask emotions by being rash and reckless because they fear, more than anything, messing something they care about up. they feel that their emotions get in the way of making good decisions. 

taurus: not lazy; picky where they spend their energy. taurus’ can be very passionate, being ruled by venus, and when it’s something they care about taurus will go to the ends of the earth to achieve what they want. 

gemini: feels extremely deeply. always trying to dissect why they feel the way they do instead of embracing it. mask pain with wittiness and sarcasm. never honest with themselves though they can be so brutally blunt with others. 

cancer: probably has anger issues or anxiety. because cancer’s feel so deeply, they look for an outlet to release these emotions. anger is the one i’ve seen the most - cancer’s are volatile and find a way to hurt the person they take their anger out on - they go for the kill shot. 

leo: way more insecure than they front. many leo’s are physically confident, as we all know, but, like gemini’s, leo’s couldn’t be more emotionally insecure. they love the idea of love, but they’re terrified of emotional intimacy. 

virgo: their controlling organization comes from a lack of control over their heart. virgo’s - as all air signs do - can have flitting attraction. their interest is temporary, as they enjoy a mystery, but only for so long. it’s a very fine line to keep the affections of a virgo, as they’re extremely picky with who they settle. 

libra: can be completely cold-hearted. scorpio’s and cancer’s get angry, but usually out of emotion, and it’s evident that no matter what they say they still care. libra’s however, have a switch that completely detaches them from all feelings when they’re pissed. will make you question if they ever even cared. 

scorpio: common perception of scorpio’s is that they’re kinky and sexual bastards, when really they are one of the few signs who views sex as an act of love rather than of physical feelings. scorpio’s only have sex with people they love - it’s more their heart than body. 

sagittarius: that wanderlust spirit is rooted deeply in fear. sagittarius fear attachment to one place or person for too long; it’s why they tend to travel. either physically or emotionally, locking down a sagittarius is very difficult, but not because they just want to see the world, but because they are very distrustful in nature. 

capricorn: like gemini, capricorn are very emotional. however, capricorn tend to ignore feelings instead of trying to understand them. known as driven, they tend to focus all their energy on a single thing, and think that emotion is a distraction from their goals.  

aquarius: super loyal. even though aquarius are very opportunistic and tend to take the route they think is the best for themselves, they also have a very compassionate side to those they sympathize with. aquarius’ hearts are difficult to capture, but once you do they’re also difficult to lose.

pisces: much more manipulative than perceived. pisces may feel deeply - as a water sign - but they use this to their advantage. pisces have a wicked accurate gut feeling due to how deeply in tune their are with their own emotions. if a pisces thinks that you can benefit them, they will use you.

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me

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What the signs usually fall for

aries: the cry babies

taurus: the compulsive liar

gemini: the hoe

cancer: the inconsiderate asshole

leo: the cocky and conceited

virgo: the messy/unstable

libra: the neighborhood pass around

scorpio: the pure/innocent

sagittarius: the strong and almighty

capricorn: the most intimidating person within looks but a sweetheart within themselves

aquarius: the goofy weirdo with the weird laugh

pisces: the emotional fuckboy .

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signs as flirts

“i can’t flirt” but can: libra, capricorn, scorpio

“i can’t flirt” and can’t: taurus, pisces, virgo

“i can flirt” but can’t: sagittarius, aries, cancer

“i can flirt” and can: gemini, aquarius, leo

[zodiac-crab]

Aesthetic Post for: Cancer Sun & Cancer Moon [Info on sun and moon signs]