ayvepeedee

[ayvepeedee]

ENTRY 9!

ummmmm im fping my girlfriend and idk how TO feel i dont want to do that i dont wanna do that to hir cause im gonna wanna like want to see hir 24/7 and i already need reassurance enough but i dont want that on hir shoulders AGH! i hate being borderline i feel so mentally ill im gonna be normal in like 20 minutes but UUUUGGUGUHGUGUGHGUHEIGHRIO GHG085 7H30458HYG48H 057HG08 aok! i kinda miss being at school... WHICH STARTS TOMORROW! uhghghfnv0vn0uitgvuiwr thni have to cleanmy room my mom foud all my drugs and took em (not all But a bit of em) and now im like in a depressive episode again idk maybe i need to go outside more im crazy i hear voices oooooooga boooooooga idk im just putting all my thoughts in here hehe hoohoo um yeah ive been feeling so weird lately i feel like everything is like all at me and everything i see is about me or directed at me idk maybe i should start being normal i feel cringe i feel weird i feel like a fucing loser i feel like a nuance i feel like im so fucking annoying that my gf doesnt even wanna talk to me no one wants to talkto me i feel so out of the loop of everything i feel like everyone hates me i wish i was normal i want to be normal why cant i just be a normal teenager and do normal teen things im so fucking upset all the time i feel so many emotions and i do fucking nothing about them whats my problem

[ayvepeedee]

entry... 8!

im smoking with my girl friend ! were getting philosofical this is awesome she makes me feel creative and happy she lights my world up BUT THIS INST GAY today i was bored and i felt like i was a bother to people but its okay cause im happy with my weed, this is a short entry cus im really high and whanted to just chat ill make etxtra entires when i wannnt :3

[ayvepeedee]

entry seven I forgor

never trust someone with a dissociative disorder to remember .

umm idk when i last updated this but i Think it was like sept oct soooo uh update, i have a TUMOR and its most likely not but COULD be cancer ummm and still with the gf, after the update ill talk abt current events that relates to hir currently, ummm im failing 4 classes and ive officially decided on my major/career but not in my college! i have however been contemplating going to canada!!! umm im besties with my friend aki i bought her and my gf and i lethal company and thats been a recent

uhhhh RECENTS! OF TODAY/LATELY

i have been pretty like mentally exhausted and exhausted in general! im barely passing classes and the ones i am are guaranteed passing cause its music and Woodshop. Fuck woodshop hope it dies! i talked to my doctor i was on birth control for periods and she recommended i stay off until i talk to a surgeon to have SURGERY and what they decide dictates if i still should but ive been put onnnnnnnum nausea meds and migraine meds !

uhhh abt my gf stuff, specifically today

shi has been feeling weird lately and today was like that kinda breaking point, shi has someone in front that manages episodes (mania depressive ect) nd shi thinks something bad is gonna happen soon and i feel bad cause i feel like shi should be happy cause shi deserves it all! i know that doesnt just happen but shi deserves to be happy shis been thru a lot and i care about hir!!!! so i let hir know once shi was sleeping that shi can talk to me about stuff, or shi doesnt have to! cause talking to an app with a bunch of people that are unbiased and dont know you va your boyfriend biased and knows you is different! and i get how shi might want both, one or the other, or neither maybe! but i still want hir to know im there and that i care!

gf stuff, not just today

lately shis been tiring me and doing things shi wants to do and like when im not interested in things i dont wanna be mean about it just Don't wanna do it and i don't want hir to think i dont care cause i do i just don't wanna do it myself when shi could do it when its something shis talking to me about but also last time we talked about something together i said hey i need reassurance a lot and shi did it twice and hasn't done it again and i just don't like feel like that easy i need that reassurance helllooooo tumblr user ayvepeedee here !!!! and shis my safe person but its like ill always overthink that'll never change !!!!

i was in a call with my gf and aki for 500 HOURS can you believe that! it was SO DRAINING but it was really fun! it made me sad when they'd hang without me cause id be at school or i was tired but they were nice to be around! theyre my besties i love them

i.ummm have missed A Bit of school causeof my doctor stuff! and im gonna keep doing that :( like if i end up getting surgery for my tumor it'll probably be in a school day and thats likr at least a day or two or more of rest cause like my tumors in my boob and i have to be REALLY careful in that area rn and after surgery it'll be extra sensitive for a while and im kinda a rough person so ive been less rough but like ACK! IM LIKE ZONING OUT WHILE WRITING THIS IS ENOUGH BYYYEEEE!!!! :3

[ayvepeedee]

enterey sex :3

my girlfriend has a JOB and shi bought me a milkshake and a burger with fries yesterday and i like actually cried

so im a system, ive stated this I think, if i havent, i am a system horray!

okay anyways so me AND my gf are systems and its like alters date yes of course but its usually source related dating because alters are more familiar with source and stuff so hi, i am tord from eddsworld yes i am an introject and no i will not talk about soure just whats been happening recently

watched eddsworld with my gf and now im in front i split forever ago though but shi has a recent split and its tom whaddya know! (we have begun dating .)

uhhh im eating reeses puffs while my gf is working shi gets off in 3 hours and im very bored, i don't have school on fridays so its like yawnnnnnnn

ummm Michael Reeves n!!! yeag

[ayvepeedee]

entry 5. IT WAS AWESOME

we hung out, got high, i forgot the rest! we've been on call for a while! we played roblox, watched eddsworld, made silly jokes, ITS AWESOME.

Im on my PERIOD!!! and i didnt go to school today because i am in PAIN and i DONT APPRECIATE IT im like okay but YEOWCH! uhhhh picture retakes tomorrow and it's back to the past spirit day so, flames! im like really tired so this isnt as good as it can be but sleepy sooo

my day has been pretty un-eventful! i did NOTHING but idk its been boring but fun! we've looked through our exs account (me and my gfs) and we laughed !!! anyways yeah! saying I like homestuck on here so i can add the homestuck tag

i like homestuck, i have liked homestuck, and i will like homestuck! k bye

[ayvepeedee]

entry.... FOUR

its almost 1 pm, i have been up since i woke up earlier and my gf is STILL NOT UP but i suspect shi is and just doesn't wanna hang out with me cause ixs brother said something about pizza while v?r account was online for like a second so idk im crazy i just wanna hang with hir its just one of those feelings! idk maybe if i had gone back to bed after waking up id feel less sad but its just IDK im sad because i think my girlfriend is avoiding me wowzer!!! im the avoidant one im supposed to do that one!!!!

all of my irls are hanging out today and i kinda wanna hang out with them but i said that i was busy cause im gonna hang out with my gf but that hasnt happened yet and they're meeting at 2 so idk i dont wanna go and then shis like omg haiii and im then upset cause i cant hang out with hir idk im INSANE i miss hir and v?r said we were supposed to hang out i just! honestly i want to cry!!! i have actually i cried about it earlier but part of that was cause i missed the eclipse but either way now i RLY wanna cry i wanna like leave everything and be alone so no ones acting like they like me and whatever

anyways, enough of that! happy news! my um things that get me zonked arrived! im happy i waited like a week and its here woohoo! its awesome haven't had any yet im waiting to see if me and my pook can do them together! gah ahasa!!!;?hhhsdbsd xx?l?mm?;";?#/#/(" im very upset !

[ayvepeedee]

ent rey 3 !! :3

its like 6-7 am and i have woken up, my room is warm-ish, im in the dark with my tv on like idk idle?? its showing google photos of beautiful places, and i felt the urge to write!!! i probably wont post this consistently y'know how it works you post and then you forget for a while then you keep posting and its just off and on yknow!!!!

my gf did confirm that we are hanging out today which like score? this is awesome??? ill sit at my desk today just to hang out with hir or like to play roblox i did send v?r like a million roblox horror games to play >:) I'm very excited... im also fine if we do a sort of like parallel play thing where we're doing different stuff but like together!!!! either way im fine if we were just in call doing nothing!!!!!! i LOVE hir but this isn't my gaybo blog I'll keep it short on the things about my gf that i can post there >:3

hm hm hm ok so i have irls right most do one of them is 13! but i know them when they were 12 and its like im gonna be a senior when they are a freshmen its weird and my friends and i decided to start distancing from them cause they need to like have fun for the last bits of middle school and actually be 13 and not try to act older! im 16 turning 17 my friends are like 15-16 they're just my main group I am friends with people my age just so whoevers reading this knows

oh I'm gonna check my grades!!! im like failing two of my classes currently but one of them im BARELY failing the other is like 50% or so idk let me check . its actually more like 60% ish but the other class im failing is 69.7% and 70% is passing soooo im basically passing! i have 4 As and 1 B!!! don't think I'm smart though my first 3 As are two band classes and woodshop then there's english which is easy cause it's just memorization!!! then the B is Spanish (surprise high schooler takes a spanish class but wait theres more) 2!!!! (BOO YAH!) then history and chemistry im failing but its whatevs !!

hmmm ive been thinking about like mogai xenogenders because they're fire but also the sexualities they come up with are GENIUS like theres this one I relate to a lot thats an aro label it was something about only loving one person and relationship with other people don't feel the same as with them im not gonna dive into it cause it'll become me just swooning over my girlfriend, of whom i dated then got broken up with and am dating again so i know how it feels to date other people then date hir again

i think when me and my gf hang out today we're gonna watch tiktoks at some point I love doing that we'll probably watch a movie or youtube together it's ok it'll be awesome

my mom and her bf are being cutesy outside my room and laughing together while doing something with toilet paper my moms laughing and gagging at the smell of something, shes taking a picture of the toilet paper? how much toilet paper do we have??? i think shes going to a casino next week after my concert (for choir and band) which concert is terrifying by the way because i JUST got sheet music for auxiliary in one of them (im in percussion) very happy i get to play either a slide whistle or a sus. cymbol (hehe) and on the other i play a thing called a guiro which is like the thing that makes frog like noises eheheeee!!!!!!! and for choir im the lead tenor which is like the lowest vocal range we have this year :/ and theres only 4 OF US!!!; very annoying ..

umm yeah!; thats all for now

[ayvepeedee]

entry.... 2!!!

i told hir about the thing i said like the "i love hir to the great attractor and back" thing and ix said it was really cute im gonna scream i LOVE this lady. .

i got really zonked not long ago and i was like ranting to v?r about i think loving ix and its basically illegible!!! im laying in bed currently and im thinking of sleeping soon i am TIRED yknow !!!!!! well i wanna ask if my pooka wants to sleep call but like part of me feels like shi doesn't wanna do cutesy stuff rn

im also like insane and tend to overthink like the silly things . but idk i feel like we shuld do like a cutesy thing cus weve been like super apart!!!!

i gots a dr appt on the 8th and im SO excited !?!!!!!???? i haven't been in like forever but theres gonna be a lot of tests idk scary but i need it and im fully covered till im out of school!!!!! well anywayyyy im gonna maybe ask my pook if ix wants to maybe sleep call and yknow sleep

[ayvepeedee]

oops not today or tomorrow

tomorrow or the next day** my bad

first post that isnt my intro! uhhmmmmm m entry NUMBER 1!! okok

so currently its about to be 8 pm and im like laying in bed with tgc on my tv and I'm about to get umm as i would say zonked ummmmm errrrrrrrr uhhhhh im waiting for my gf to reply to be except unlike on my GAY blog shi just hasn't replied for a little bit now ummm ya

all day has been me getting zonked and doing teen things but its just been tiktok . and youtube in the background. today was very boring my gf was allegedly sleeping for a while, i say allegedly cause shi appeared out of nowhere completely awake and had been for an unspecified time!

im like sad cause we havent been talking much and i love talking to hir but shi rarely talks back and when v?r does its small replies and i feel like shit abt it but idk maybe that's one of the personality disorders! but we're supposed to hang out today or tomorrow! but ix didnt like confirm if we are idk i hope i think we need a moment together because shi said we haven't been talking to each other much because we're both busy But i am not and shi has been home since like 8 am so idk i guess so what do i know el em ay oh!

yeah anyway ill just post more with more thoughts dont take this out of context i love my gf to the great attractor and back i just kinda need an outlet for my like thoughts

[ayvepeedee]

first post that isnt my intro! uhhmmmmm m entry NUMBER 1!! okok

so currently its about to be 8 pm and im like laying in bed with tgc on my tv and I'm about to get umm as i would say zonked ummmmm errrrrrrrr uhhhhh im waiting for my gf to reply to be except unlike on my GAY blog shi just hasn't replied for a little bit now ummm ya

all day has been me getting zonked and doing teen things but its just been tiktok . and youtube in the background. today was very boring my gf was allegedly sleeping for a while, i say allegedly cause shi appeared out of nowhere completely awake and had been for an unspecified time!

im like sad cause we havent been talking much and i love talking to hir but shi rarely talks back and when v?r does its small replies and i feel like shit abt it but idk maybe that's one of the personality disorders! but we're supposed to hang out today or tomorrow! but ix didnt like confirm if we are idk i hope i think we need a moment together because shi said we haven't been talking to each other much because we're both busy But i am not and shi has been home since like 8 am so idk i guess so what do i know el em ay oh!

yeah anyway ill just post more with more thoughts dont take this out of context i love my gf to the great attractor and back i just kinda need an outlet for my like thoughts

[ayvepeedee]

hi im milo, this is a diary aka things relating to me and stuff in my life

ok so basically stuff about me

my name is milo, you can call me dave, eugene, alfie, oliver, i really dont care to be honest if its something cool, call me it

i am 16 in highschool junior i graduate in a year and im like Not ready !

um i have a girlfriend shis cool you'll hear about ix (shi/ix/v?r)

uhhh i have a rentry

i have a mogai blog @caninepup

my main blog is @billzo

and my gay ass blog is @bpd4npd

i like canines, mainly dogs i like how much variation they have

i am autistic, i have avpd (oh my gosh! the name! shocker!), i have bpd, i am a system, and i have like un specified mental issues that i havent looked into yet

yeah! um my diary you are definitely forced to read do it or else I'll get you i guess! yeah!