chikenbrain

[chikenbrain]

My queen Cass would be the coolest Batman ever—way cooler than the actual Batman tbh…

But let’s be real, she probs wouldn’t even call herself Batman ‘cause that name’s kinda dumb

Dick: Okay, so with Bruce being on a mission with the Justice League, we need someone to be Batman.

Jason: So you just be Batman again

Damian: Actually, I strongly disagree with that arrangement

Tim: Don't tell me.... you think you should be Batman?

Damian: No, I'm aware I don't have the same attitude to be Father

Jason: really?... just the attitude?

Damian: I believe Cain should be Batman

Cassandra: Oh?

Dick: Umm.... Dami, I don't think-

Damian: Think about it. Grayson is too nice, Jason has way too much pent-up anger

Jason: Fuck you.

Damian: And well Drake is just..... Drake

Tim: Wow...

Damian: Cain is the only person who can match Father to a T.

Dick: There are many reasons why she can't be-

Jason: No, no, no, Dick. The demon child has a point

Dick: ..... um, okay then

(Later thar night)

Penguin: About time you showed up-

Cassandra (in Bat suit): You'll pay for your crimes

Penguin: ..... the hell am I looking at?

Robin: What?

Penguin: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT? WHO IS THIS?

Red Hood: Batman, duh

Penguin: No, don't do that

Nightwing: Don't do what? This is Batman

Penguin: That's obviously a teenage girl

The Batkids: (gasps loudly and in sync)

Penguin: WHAT?!

Red Hood: How dare you assume his gender.

Robin: During Pride Month, too

Red Robin: (shaking his head) and here I thought you were an alley

Penguin: okay no just take me in

[chikenbrain]

Just here, patiently waiting for a happy ending

Damian: Todd, the whole family has been summoned, you must-

Jason: I don't have to do shit. Go to hell.

Damian: -tt- I, for one, am not surprised, I will inform the others of your cowardice.

Jason: yeah, yeah. The family disappointment per usual. I'll go back "home" when Alfred calls me himself. Now fuck off, I have a criminal empire to run.

Damian: If you care, it is Drake who called the meeting, not father.

Jason, hesitating: Yeah, well, he knows how I feel. Whatever. We can fight it out later if he's pissed.

Damian: I will waste no more precious air on a buffoon such as you *disappears*

Later

Damian: Drake, as duty I must inform you that Todd will not be here tonight. He is far too home-phobic presently.

Tim, freezes in place, because he called the family meeting so he could come out as bisexual and actively dating a man: You mean homophobic?

Damian, rolling his eyes: if that is the proper terminology, yes

Tim: what, uh, what else- I mean, did he say anything else?

Damian: the typical drivel. "Go to hell" "Family disappointment per usual" He said if you don't approve of his decision, to challenge him in battle.

Tim: he... wow. I didn't think he'd...

Tim: Holy shit. Wait. Does that mean, do you- you know why I called the meeting? You know? Who else knows? Does everyone know?

Damian: imbecile. If everyone knew, then what would be the point of the meeting?

Tim: right. Stupid question. How do you feel about it?

Damian, thinking Tim asked his opinion on Jason's decision to avoid the family: -tt- Father and Grayson will be disappointed but not surprised. Gordon will be silently annoyed. Pennyworth might share sympathy but no doubt conceals his true opinions on the matter. Cain and Brown will shrug it off. Thomas might not care, but he is rather unpredictable. It is of little consequence.

Tim: okay. And... and you?

Damian: why should I care? We make our choices and must live with the consequences. I do not pretend to understand as I would never choose to estrange myself from father, or otherwise actively ruin the bonds I spent so many years forging simply to preserve my own comfort.

Tim: estranged??

Damian: I presume that is the goal. That or torture father with guilt and grief for eternity.

Tim: d- don't you think that's a little dramatic?

Damian: indeed. Grayson would claim it would 'tear the family apart' or such nonsense. I am the only sensible one in this useless household.

Tim: well, thank you for... debriefing me on the situation, Damian.

Damian: -tt- try not to waste our time more than necessary in the meeting tonight, Drake. *leaves*

Tim:

Tim: this is red robin on coms line 12, repeat, this is red robin on coms line 12

Tim: The meeting scheduled for tonight is cancelled. False alarm. I'll send updates if anything changes. And I'm

Tim:

Tim: i have some business to address these next few weeks. Going low contact. Red Robin out.

Tim:

Tim: *starts crying*

[chikenbrain]

The fact that animals that care for their young will sometimes adopt others' lost or orphaned young to raise along their own is just funny to me. I know that it's all hormonal and there's no conscious thought involved in it, but the internal logic of it is so funny.

"Baby = success. More baby = more success. I have one baby and I found four other baby. I have five baby. I am being so fucking successful right now."

[chikenbrain]

The batfam trauma candy salad would go absolutely insane.

Dick: Hi. I'm Dick Grayson and when I was 8 I watched my parents fall to their death in front of me, then I had to move away from everything I love and spend the rest of my life in some weird American city. And I brought the sour gummy worms.

Jason: This is so stupid- my mother used to kick me out when he drug dealer would come over so I didn't see her spending our very small amount of money on drugs.

Steph *off screen*: what did you bring?

Jason: nerds.

Cass: I was raised to be a weapon, a murderer. I brought peach rings.

Steph: I'm Steph and My dad was an alcoholic who thought he could go head to head with batman and outdo the riddler. And I brought Reese's pieces.

Tim: I'm Timothy Drake Wayne and I had left the house to try and find some guy before he killed my dad, just for him to kill my dad when I was gone. I brought sour rainbow strips.

Duke: My parents are in a mental ward, high on joker toxin. No one knows if they'll ever get better. And I got m&m's.

Damian: I am a highly trained assassin and-

Steph: cut. Cut. Damian. Civilian identities. Ok. Restart.

Damian: My mother randomly dropped me on some weird man's doorstep when I was ten. I brought rock candy.

[chikenbrain]

“Turned On Our Heads”

Y’all need to read this one…

» Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian get stuck in a no-way-out kinda situation… no survival—except Robin’s always been kinda magical like that

Damian’s the first to wake up… as a baby. In a brand-new world. Where his older (now younger) brothers haven’t even been born yet

[chikenbrain]

Not sure how I feel about this one tbh—kinda love-hate vibes going on rn…

[chikenbrain]

Brucie can Crash Out sometimes

[chikenbrain]

Non-negotiable HCs I have (Cass edition):

Whenever she has a nightmare about a family member, she sneaks into their room just to watch them sleep and make sure they’re okay.

-•-

She prefers ballet over opera, no contest.

-•-

On bad days, she literally speaks in “Batman language” — all grunts and single-word responses.

-•-

Her hair is so fine and straight that every clip or hair tie slips out after, like, 20 minutes.

Steph is constantly fighting for her life trying to make braids stay in place.

-•-

Before Gotham and the Batfam, she didn’t have her ears pierced.

Then came that one chaotic sleepover with Steph and Babs — and boom, impromptu piercings.

(They’re not perfectly symmetrical, btw, you can totally tell from the right angle.)

-•-

Her style is super androgynous, and the short hair just adds to the vibe

-•-

I like to think everyone in the Batfam has blue-ish eyes (blue-green, sky blue, etc.), and Cass has these deep steel-blue-gray ones — kind of like Anna Kendrick’s

-•-

She has a lowkey soft spot for My Little Pony

Dick found out and gifted her a giant fluffy unicorn robe — black and purple, of course, for aesthetic

-•-

Out of everyone in the Batfam, she has the healthiest post-patrol routine: stretches, gets clean, eats, then sleeps for 7–8 hours.

If she can’t get enough sleep, she takes power naps like a pro to balance it out.

-•-

She’s definitely a cat person.

-•-

She 100% owns a pair of Akikoaoki Giselle-satin shoes — probably one of her first splurges when she finally felt okay using Bruce’s money.

-•-

She’s not into perfume (it makes her nose itch). Just plain unscented deodorant, thanks.

-•-

When she texts? It’s emojis, gifs, memes, stickers… just so much going on in those messages

-•-

She can’t stand bitter coffee. Cappuccino or mocaccino only — and tbh, she’s more of a mocha girl.

-•-

She has her cup, her spoon, her fork, etc.

And trust me, you do not want to get caught using any of it without asking

<< Part 7 | Part 8

@crazycaoticsimp

[chikenbrain]

Why are cats and dogs different? By Bruce Wayne –the semi-functional father–

Clark: Hey… Bruce. What’re you up to?

Bruce, frantic. Twelve books in hand maybe more. Eyes crazed and frantic: I fucked up Clark.

Clark: What?

Bruce: I hurt my baby boy.

Clark: I’m sure it’s not-

Bruce, hands shaking: ᴵ ᵗᵒˢˢᵉᵈ ᴶᵃˢᵒⁿ

Clark: what.

Inspired by:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/56502451?show_comments=true&view_full_work=false#comment_859889503

[chikenbrain]

is it okay if i use your art as a pfp? (you'd be credited in the bio ofc)

no problem :)

[chikenbrain]

This has to be canon…And that reminds me

I can mimic my mom’s voice, so my brother used to give my number as the emergency contact at school—

And when the school “called our mom,” they were actually calling me… and I’d be like: “Oh sure, I’ll put her on the phone,” cue me switching to mom voice 😌

Most of the time it was just ’cause he was trying to ditch PE.

Iconic, honestly

if Damian can imitate voices then there’s no way he doesn’t steal Bruce’s phone Friday Night Dinner style to harass Tim.

Tim, picking up a call from Bruce: Hello?

Damian, imitating Bruce perfectly: Timothy, I need you to stay away from the gala tonight. You are short and unapplealing and I don’t want to be seen with you.

Tim:

Tim, tired as fuck: Damian, never in my life has Bruce referred to me as ‘Timothy’. I know it’s you.

Damian, softly: fuck.

Damian: *hangs up*

-

*ring ring*

Tim: yeah?

Damian as Bruce, calling at 2AM: i birthed you.

Tim: eh?

Damian: it was a 12 hour labour.

Tim:

Damian: you tore my crotch beyond repair-

Tim: ok- Damian i know it’s you now KNOCK IT OFF.

-

Tim, hanging out with Jason: oh, B just sent me a voice message?

Jason: ?? the fucks he want, play it.

Tim: *presses play*

Bruce: you remind me of a baby hippo. grey skin and wide, unintelligent eyes.

Tim and Jason:

Tim and Jason:

Jason: wh-

Tim: i understand why you tried to kill me now.

Tim: having little brothers is a fucking travesty.

Jason:

Jason: so was that not Bruce?

[chikenbrain]

I really liked how this one turned out🖤

(For those keeping up with the “Non-negotiable HCs I have” series — up next: Cass✨)

[chikenbrain]

on my knees, now i wanna see how bad jason fangirls after being praised by wonder woman, please🧎(also i just really love how you draw jason aaaAAAA)

He will be thinking about this for literal weeks

[chikenbrain]

something so special about cass and bruce, especially this pannel right here, i love them so much

[chikenbrain]

when jason died, they buried him with the possessions that he carried on him all the time. there was a pocket knife tucked into his sock, the bracelet on his wrist from catherine that he never took off, a tangled pair of earbuds in his back pocket, and, in the top pocket of his jacket, the cellphone that bruce bought for him after he was adopted.

that cellphone stayed with jason in his grave. went with him when he dug his way out. somehow stayed on his person when he was taken by the league, and he managed to convince talia to let him keep it throughout all his training.

he doesn’t know why, maybe as a grief thing or maybe just because bruce forgot and it’s not like the bill effected him in any way, but he never stopped paying jason’s phone bill. his number’s still active, still working after all this time. even weirder, but dick started adopting the tradition of adding his dead brother’s phone number to each and every family group chat any of them created after ethiopia. again, jason doesn’t know why. maybe it was dick’s way of carrying his memory with them; including him in family conversations even if they all thought the number was connected to a long buried phone in the pocket of a long dead boy.

the point is that jason wasn’t dead any more. and all throughout his time at the league, he gets to watch the family chats. the mission statuses, the arguments, the rapid spiral every chat went through where they started off using it as a serious bat communication centre only for dick or tim to send a meme and instantly spiral into nothing but chaos that bruce would neither take part in or attempt to stop. jason spectates it all, always fingering the keypad but never actually typing out a message. he came close when there was a heated debate between steph and dick about the best donut types and he knew they were both absolutely fucking wrong, but luckily tim came in to educate them on the right choice last second and jason was saved from having to reveal himself.

the closest call was when little damian got a hold of his phone, attracted to the bright colours of the block game jason had been absently playing out of boredom while ra’s droned on about whatever had pissed him off that day. he’d let the kid play, sat on his lap and eagerly jabbing at the screen, and jason had only looked away for at most a minute before he’d turned back to find the screen open on the family chat, damian having accidentally clicked on the camera button and taken a selfie of the two that he’d been about to send through. luckily, jason deleted it in time, but he became much more careful about letting the kid play with his shit after that.

this is all just a long winded explanation and backstory for and au i think would be funny where jason’s reveal is literally just him deciding to fuck with his family by randomly dropping in through text like:

-in the chat-

bruce: status report.

dick: hungry :( but good!

steph: seconded, im fine

tim: drug bust went to plan, on way back to cave uninjured

cass: ^ same answer

babs: everything seems calm from what i can tell

jason: a little claustrophobic but the coffin’s kinda homely so ig no complaints from me

.

.

.

several people are typing…

[chikenbrain]

I have this hc that Red Hood!Jason calls literally anyone ‘kiddo’ unless they’ve got the premium adult pass (aka over 30, look like it, and act like it too):

A 22/23 y/o guy is being helped out from under some rubble by RH

Jason, with his voice modulator on, pressing a reassuring hand on the guy’s shoulder: You’re good now, kiddo. Head over to the medics down that way, they’ll take care of that arm

Meanwhile, Red Robin—who’s also helping civilians out of the rubble—just stares like: ._.

Because that’s the same dude who throws a tantrum over doing algebra and now he’s out here calling someone four years older than him ‘kiddo’…

[chikenbrain]

Older sibling Canon event