johnstagecomedycom

[johnstagecomedycom]

Fat Friends

My friends decided we needed to get in shape. I got roped into it. I don't know why we're even trying. We're all in our mid-50s. Who even cares? I assure you that whoever we try to impress will not be impressed.

I think we all feel like it might be our last chance to ever be in shape. You can't get rock-hard abs in your 70s. I don't think you can get rock-hard anything in your 70s.

We've all put on a couple of pounds every year for a while now. We all do fat guy things. We'll make dinner plans while eating lunch. We all wear stretchy denim. We have condiments in our car. I asked a friend how long it would take him to run a mile and he said a weekend. That's some fat guy stuff.

We were all at a pool party and we had shirts on in the swimming pool. One guy said it had something to do with cancer. I think it had something to do with shame. It had something to do with judgment and harsh ridicule.

We're all getting in shape. A few guys joined a gym. Some guys are walking or riding bikes. I'm drinking light beer. Not every day. I'm not sure how committed I am to this project.

One friend is drinking non-alcoholic beer. The rest of us kind of think he's a pussy. I asked him if he had to hide his balls in his ass to drink it. He was drinking a NA Guinness. Why do they make that? Take something perfect and ruin it. This guy is Irish too, drinking NA Guinness. I told him that I was glad his dad was dead so he didn't have to see what his son had become.

I'm not a great friend. I make fun of them. I flirt with their wives. I don't know why they call me.

People think that if they weigh a certain amount, they will be happy. I think that way too. I know how they get to that thought. "I'm fat. I'm unhappy. If I'm less fat, I'll be more happy.

I have this arbitrary number in my head that I came up with. I'll be happy if I weigh that. If I weigh 200lbs, I'll like my job? I'll never argue with my wife. I'll be able to pay for my kids' college?

I don't know if that's true. My wife has this friend that is very fit. She looks great. She's always training for something. She does yoga. She doesn't eat carbs or sugar. But, she's a miserable bitch. She's always complaining and negative. She's fun to look at; hard to talk to. She's always in a bad mood. I think she could improve her life by just eating a sandwich.

My wife has this other friend. She's a bigger gal, but she's always in a great mood. She always happy. She has a smile on her face and candy in her purse. I love her. Every time we hang out she has a coupon for a free appetizer. She's great. Sometimes she shares. My wife looks great in pictures.

I don't think weight and happiness are symbiotic.

That being said, I would still love to lose 10 pounds.

The problem with losing weight is: there's only one way to do it. You need to combine diet with exercise. For that reason, I am out.

I don't like to diet because I don't like being hungry. I also have a drinking problem. It's not that I can't stop. It's that I don't want to stop.

The problem with exercise is it's exhausting. I used to be a runner. I would run ever day. People would ask me how I feel. Dog shit. I feel like dog shit. I feel like I just ran 10 miles. That's how I feel. Dog shit.

I still would love to lose 10 pounds. I think I look ok in close, but I caught a glimpse of myself naked in the mirror the other day and was not impressed. I was bent over and I caught a bad angle. I think I heard myself say, "Ick".

I am well aware that I am the oldest, fattest man my wife has ever had to sleep with. I know that. I live my live knowing that.

I told my wife this joke and she said, "You could also say hairiest." I guess she wants to be on the joke-writing team.

I am well aware that I am the oldest, fattest, hairiest man my wife has ever had to sleep with. That's why I apologize every time I cum inside of her.

Don't pull back. It's just a warm, ooey-gooey expression of love. Anyone who thought ewe, sucks in bed. You've probably never given a good blowjob. He's been lying, hoping you'd get better.

There is no reason to suck at blowjobs. There are videos everywhere. While doing your research, don't pay attention to size. That's not why we're here. Focus on technique. You're watching to make yourself better?

[johnstagecomedycom]

National Public Radio

"Oh, I was listening to NPR the other day." That's one of my new favorite things to say at parties. I always say it that same way. I say, "Oh", like I just thought of it, and I wasn't trying to work it into the conversation all night. I like to say it in front of a group. I make sure to catch their eyes. There is two reactions. One is wide-eyed surprise. "Oh, smarter than we thought". The other is an eye-roll and the thought, "Douche-Bag". I check both boxes. I'm smarter than I look and just as Douchey as you would think.

Oh, I was listening to NPR the other day. They were doing a story about the uptick in twin births. They interviewed an expert researcher, named Nancy Segal. Nancy was a twin.

I do have a few issues with NPR. They seem a little old-fashioned and long-winded when telling their stories. There are a lot of puff pieces and odd, seldom necessary sound effects. I listen, but for me it's like exercising; I have to force myself to do it. I don't enjoy it, but in the end, I'm happy I went through it. Then I brag to all of my friends, so they know I'm better than they are. They know I'm douchey already. They seem to be okay with it.

The hard-hitting journalist asked Dr. Nancy Sega, Expert Researcher and Founding Director of The Twin Studies Center only the toughest questions. The first was: "Nancy, Do you feel like your research into twinning stems from the fact that you are a twin. WoW!

I wish Nancy could have answered, "Duh!" or "Der!" I also would have excepted "No fucking shit". That's another one of my favorite phrases. Somehow, No fucking shit, means, "Yes, of course" and also "Wow was that a dumb question. You should be using this phrase in your life. I would suggest not starting out with it in public. Just use it around the house. "Are you hungry, Honey?" "No fucking shit". It is aggressive. People do stop asking you stupid questions though. Don't you think that's worth it? Answer: No fucking shit.

Nancy is respected in her field and has even given TED Talks on the subject of Twins, so she did not answer the way I would have liked. Instead, she gave a long, thorough, comprehensive, drawn-out answer that of course NPR did not feel the need to edit or shorten.

The next question they gave Nancy was, "Why do you think twins are so interesting?"

I wish it were a call-in show. I would have dialed right in and answered, "Because it's so God Damned weird!?! How about because it's so Fucking odd!!

Twins are super weird. Not the people. If you've ever met and talked with a twin, you know they are very normal. The only thing strange is that there is another human being who looks exactly like them. That's the craziness. Look around any room, and you will notice that no one looks anything like you. That's normal. For some reason, the human body can produce two babies that grow up and look indistinguishable. People can't tell them apart. That's peculiar.

Here's another weird thing about twins. Sometimes they don't look anything alike!!! What? How does the world even work?

Sometimes the babies are assigned two different genders at birth. Like the way I said that? I didn't say one was born a boy and the other a girl. I said they were assigned two different genders. Do you know why I said it that way? It's because I listen to NPR.

[johnstagecomedycom]

Instant Mastery Syndrome

IMS is when a person reads a couple of articles, watches a bunch of videos and quickly becomes an expert ready to give a TED Talk on the subject. It's sort of a man thing. We call it, "going down a rabbit hole".

It's the exclusive reason I will not watch backyard beekeeping videos. I know what happens. I end up custom making a hive in my backyard, cultivating a colony and buying a queen bee off eBay.

I don't even like bees; I'm allergic to bee stings; I don't consume that much honey; I can't stand farmer's markets. None of that would stop me though. I would just bring honey everywhere I went, giving it to my friends. I'd just be the bee guy and have all kinds of bee facts. They have five eyes and two sets of wings. They can fly up to 20 mph. Boy bees are called drones and females are called worker bees. Bees are the only insect that produces food for humans. Honey never expires. You need twelve bees working their entire life to produce one teaspoon of honey

Ya, I'd the honey bee guy. Sure I'm bitter, but I have honey.

I blame IMS.

You have to be careful when you're in your 30's and 40's. That's about the time you get a hobby. Your hobby will define you, so pick a good one. Do you want to be the ghost hunter lady or a tree shaper. Do you really want to be known for pickling or candle making or soap carver. Want to be the model airplane guy or the guy who makes playlists. How about underwater pumpkin carving?

What you want to be associated with is something cool, like a guitar guy. People think guitar guys are cool. Guitars are the biggest cover up. Really good guitar players are fuckin' nerds! Root notes, minor thirds, diminished chords, sus. If you got that, you're a nerd. People like guitar guys though. They rock; they shred.

Don't be a magician. Magician. It's funny how we're all nice to magicians to their faces, but make fun of them behind their backs we make fun of them, relentlessly. "I'll be he has a deck of cards on him. Last time I talked to him he found a coin behind my ear and stole my watch." There's usually a magician in the audience that thinks I'm not talking about them because they only know 2-3 tricks. No, I'm talking about you. "I'm not a magician. I'm an illusionist." You're a 'delusion-ist', thinking you have friends.

Instant Mastery Syndrome.

The worst hobby is fitness. I don't know who's more annoying - someone getting fit for the first time or born-again Christians. I don't want to hear about your ice-bath or eating clean or your new kettlebell work out. I'll put it to you straight, "We need to take a break from being friends. Call me when you're fat.

I don't care about your gym's amenities or how tough leg-day was. Keep your workout selfies and protein regiment to yourself. I don't care about creatine. I don't want to know your sleep schedule. I won't hear another word about your Core. Does my middle finger fit in your core?

Call me when you're back to eating pizza, smoking cigars, and drinking beer. I'm sure I'll see you in six months.

I am guilty of IMS. Every time something breaks in my house, I go immediately to the internet. I rewired my dryer in the laundry room. I can heat the whole house with it. Don't put cloths in there. They'll catch on fire. I put in a new light switch in my bedroom. Now there's two things in there I can't turn on.

I am terrible at plumbing. Every time I pick up a wrench, my wife picks up the phone. "Who are you calling, a plumber?" "No, a divorce attorney." My wife's patients drains faster than our kitchen sink. The only thing fixed in my house is the dog.

[johnstagecomedycom]

WindMills & Un-Housed

I am a proud member of Generation X. We want to give our kids the things we never had like Clean water, and unlimited free porn. I think we're doing real good. You're welcome.

We also now have Wind Energy. That's great, but not as great as free porn. I am all for natural energy. I just wish it wasn't so ugly. Does anyone else get freaked out when driving through a wind farm? You don't see them coming over the horizon. They're just all of the sudden - ON YOU, Blinking red lights all in succession.

I worry that hundreds of years from now after generations of people pass, the people of the future will all make fun of us for thinking we could solve Global Warming with giant fans on a stick.

We are already living in a new world from what Gen. X grew up. They're changing words now. People don't say, "Dead". It's "Un-Alived". Talk to your children about Suicide, but don't say the word!?! You'll get De-monetized.

You aren't supposed to say Homeless anymore. It's Un-Housed. I always though Homeless was a nice way of saying it. My Dad still calls them Bums. Then again, he's from the '40's. Hobos, vagrants, panhandlers, bag ladies, beggars, tramps are all terms, so Homeless seams like a nice way of saying it.

If they're going to change words, they should help out the people who own spas and advertise "Facials". Do they know? You can't advertise it on the front of your building if it's a porn category. Those are just the rules.

By the way, if you walk into one of those spas and offer to give someone a facial, they look at you like you are Un-Housed and want to Un-Alive someone. Two call backs in one joke. You don't deserve me.

I found out not everyone knows what a facial is. My wife didn't know. Apparently, I'm married to an Amish farm girl. She gets one of those facial masks every month. She says, "I'm going to get a facial." I always come back with, "I'll meet you upstairs." She doesn't get it.

Here's a real conversation my family had at the dinner table. My teenaged son was looing at his phone and read aloud, "Bukkake". He asked, "What's a Hot Bukkake?". I was like, You're not going to find out from me.

My wife asked what it was and then was mad I wouldn't tell them like it was an inside joke I didn't want them to know and was keeping it from them. They must have said it 20 times. "What's a Hot Bukkake?" My wife asked if it was a Chinese soup. I told her maybe if you poor it on your head.

Finally, she asked Alexa. "What's a Hot Bukkake?" Alexa said, "Ask that whore Siri".

[johnstagecomedycom]

Algorithm

My friends say I shouldn't be on TikTok because China is stealing all of my information. I don't have any important information. I don't care if China knows I like skinny women with big tits.

Sometimes I'm on TikTok and I see a pretty girl. I swipe over to her profile, check out her Instagram, click on her Link-Tree and the next thing you know I'm on Twitter looking at pictures of her butthole.

I think it's fun. My wife said I needed a hobby. This feels about right to me.

Do you think girls on TikTok know all of her Dad's creepy friends are following her?

Is it creepy to subscribe to your niece's Only Fans? Ya. It is. I think there are better ways of getting your niece three dollars a month.

I have five nieces. They still don't know why ever year in their birthday card I put $36. Math joke. Not fair. I should have warned you.

I'm pretty sure when I first logged on to TikTok, TikTok thought I was a 14-year-old girl. That's the type of videos I was getting was children dancing and I thought, "I don't think I'm suppose to be on this app at all." My high school guidance counselor would like it, but it's not for me.

TikTok figured out within a couple of swipes that I was an old guy and it gave me the "Old Guy" algorithm. Now all I see are fights in Burger King, close-up magic, and traffic stop altercations. The next time I get pulled over I'm going to only roll down my window a crack and tell them, "I don't answer questions" and see how long it takes them to pull me out of the car and kick the crap out of me.

I hate my feed. It's all fail videos, life hacks and David Goggins. I hate when I'm sitting on the couch with food stains on my shirt and Gogggins is calling me a pussy.

"Who's going to carry the Boats?"

"Not me, David. I'm a soft, soft boy."

I worry the algorithm knows stuff about me before I know about me. The other day I was on the Insta For You page and I noticed a pattern. It was post after post of supper dark-skinned black women. At first, I thought why is this and then it dawned on me, "Oh, it must be because I love it!" I didn't know. The algorithm told me. My wife asked me where we should go on vacation this year and I said Nigeria.

That's what has me worried. The algorithm may know things about me that I don't know. I've been noticing on porn sites there are a lot more transgender option and I wonder -- Is it just me?!?

There may be an innocent reason for this. I have to hire a new person at work for training purposes and I typed into my computer, "How much do you pay a Trainee". I'm not a great speller.

I don't have anything against transgender people. That's not what this joke is about. I just don't want to be attracted to trans-women because my life is complicated enough and I don't need another twist. I'm already vacationing this summer in Nigeria.

I don't think Trans porn will ever become as popular as Step porn. Step porn is everywhere. It's too much. I remember before it was it was step porn it was just Daddy, Daughter fun.

That's where the Internet was like, "No. Not ok. Take that down".

The porn industry was like, "How about we don't change anything. We just use the word "Step"? The Internet was like, "Nice save. You did it. I think I can actually cum to that."

Is that ok? You just put step in front of anything and it's ok? I'm not fucking my ex-wife. She's my Step-wife.

Sorry officer, but this is a step prostitute and a Step-goat and a Step-dead body.

I saw Step-cousin porn the other day. That's not a thing. That's just a friend of a friend. In the eyes of God, it's not a sin to have sex with that person, unless, you put it in her butt. Then you're both going to Hell. I read that in a pretty popular book.

[johnstagecomedycom]

I'm Smart NOW

I tend to use big words and talk about lofty subjects when I travel back to my hometown. I want them to know I'm no longer the know nothing teenager or the naive twenty year old. I read now.

I was not a smart young man. As a teen, my only thoughts were, "Catch! Hit! Throw! Shoot! Run!" I got older and found beer and that didn't make me seem any smarter.

I remember sitting at a stop light and part of my brain scolded the rest of my brain, saying, "You haven't had a single though in 45 minutes!" I had to tell my brain that it needed to think more. Inside my brain it sounded like a big room with a fan. Woooo! Nothing more.

Something happened in my 24th year. They say a person's brain isn't fully developed until their early twenties. I think that's true. I think a neuron connected to another and a brand new synapse occurred and suddenly math made more sense. I was my superhero origin story; except, instead of being super, i went from below average to AVERAGE! That doesn't come with tights and a cape.

I remember talking with my mother about my frustrations with my oldest son who was in high school at the time. I told her how he doesn't do his homework and his grades suffer and I saw my mom smile just a little at the corners of her mouth. I said his teachers all say the same thing at his parent/teacher conferences. They say he's a good kid. They say he's not disruptive. I does not participate, but if he's called on, he knows the answer. My mother's smile grew.

I told her how I was frustrated with him because he doesn't "apply" himself. and that made my mom giggle to the point she had to cover her mouth with embarrassment. I asked her if she had lost her marbles. She said, "those are the same frustrations I had with you! The issues you are having with him; I had with you."

I disagreed and said, "I remember being a decent student." That made her bend at the waist and almost loose her balance. She cried out with laughter. I chalked it up to dementia and moved on.

Later that night after I packed the kids, wife and leftovers into the car, I came in for a final goodbye and mom was coming down from the attic carrying a box. It was taped shut and had my name on the corner. She handed it to me and said, "Don't let anyone see this. Put it in your trunk and open it alone."

I threw it in my trunk and drove its contents and my family home.

The next day I was eating lunch in my car to get away from the people around my office. Working from home can be painful. I went and grabbed that box from the trunk. Its contents were shocking.

Inside were every note and report card I had ever gotten. Everything from when I was five until I graduated high school.

I couldn't believe it. That means this woman painstakingly and methodically saved and stored -- for decades -- all of this stuff on the slight chance I would someday revise history and say something like I was a good student and she could hand me a box full of - No you weren't.

!! Diabolical !!

It was all there. Report cards from kindergarten, first grade, second grade, second grade. They were all there.

[johnstagecomedycom]

My Bully Died

It feels nice

I'm not sure how I am suppose to feel about it, but it kind of feels great. The best part is he died in a horrific accident.

He was a senior in high school when he punched me in the face while I was just a freshman. Remember being a freshman in high school? You were a grade schooler a few month ago and now you're rooming the hallways with kids who can vote.

People wrote on fb about how he'll be missed and he was always there when needed. I wrote, "He was a bully and I always hated him. Glad he's dead." I didn't hit 'post' ofcourse.

I have hated him almost my whole life. Now that he's gone, I have this emptiness inside of me that is filled with warmth and joy!

He punched me Homecoming week. Tapped me on the shoulder; I turned around; he punched me in the mouth. Didn't even knock out a tooth - sissy.

There was this cute, smart, little cheerleader I always wanted to ask out. She agreed to go to HoCo with me. There's a picture of us that night. Me with a big fat lip. I leaned in for the kiss, but she was a little discussed. The bully ruined my chances.

Do you want to know how he died? I'll never get tired of telling the story.

He was four-wheeling in the woods. He ramped a berm and landed on his neck. The best part is: he didn't die right away. I just imagine him laying there, "Ouch" "Help" "I can't feel my toes".

I know I should talk to someone about this. Maybe some day I will. Right now I am basking in the pleasant glow of his demise an my victory.

Rot in Hell, Bully.

[johnstagecomedycom]

Not Bragging

This is not a brag, but I can have sex for hours. Only men that finish in three pumps think that's a brag. I'm not here to judge these poor MF'rs that don't know how to pleasure a lady. I'm just saying I take too long to finish. Women know it’s not a brag. Sex should take 10-15 tops; maybe 20 if you’re in love! I’ve been married a long time. I should take 7 minutes. There have been too many times my wife has whispered in my ear, "Are you close?"

I take too long! She's done and I'm still working. She's working to act like she's not done.

It's not my fault. I'm a marathoner and she's a sprinter. I'm ready for a four course meal and she needs a snack.

I'm older too, so I only have a finite amount of energy. I used to be able to replenish energy with food and rest. Now, I just got what I got. If I'm fucking today, then the yardwork is going to have to get done tomorrow. My wife would much rather see me in the garden with a rake in my had then the bedroom with my dick in my hand.

What I do is, hints towards an opportunity for sex, she'll go upstairs and get ready for bed and I'll get started. Ill get it 3/4 of the way there and she just has to cross the finish line. I'll watch tranny porn until I hear her finish brushing her teeth, then I'll head up. I get it started and all she's got to do is finish. It's either that or convince my high school gym teacher to come over and stick his thumb up my ass if I want to cum. What? I’m not one of these guys whose Dick smells pussy and they’re done. I got to work for mine.

I have this other idea, but she's not into it. I suggested this and she shot it right down, but I think it's genius. I say the next time we have sex she invites a couple of her divorced friends over. That way when my wife is done, she can go and wash some dishes and I can fuck her friends. Sounds great!

Don't get all weird because I said she could wash dishes. I did them the night before. Don't act like I don't get it. You don't stay married for as long as I have by accident. I know how things work.

When we were first married, she stayed at home with the kids and did all of the laundry. When she went to work, we split it. Now she's in Grad. school, I'm doing all of it. It's a team, but don't think it fair.

Do you think if a bee flies into the house I can say, "I got the last bee out, so this one is yours"? Hell, no. All insects are my problem.

A skunk burrows its way under the deck. Do you think I can say, "I got the possum last year. It's your turn"? Nope! All rodents are my issue.

I don't even like Christmas lights. She does. I'm afraid of heights. She's not. Still, I'm the one hanging off the gutters every year in the wind and the rain. We have to be a "Who"!

I'm the puke guy at our house. I remember how it happened. When our first son puked for the first time, she came out of the room, gagging, saying she tried. I went in there and cleaned it all up, and from that point on, I was the puke guy. You would think she would be the poop-person, but no; we split that one.

Therefore, I don't want to hear your horseshit about making her do the dishes while I fuck her friends. I'm the good guy in all my stories.

[johnstagecomedycom]

Bucket List

I have friends that have bucket lists. I'm not the bucket list type of guy. Mainly because I don't enjoy most things. I don't like going places. I'm not big on nouns. People, Places, Things, they're not for me. My wife asked me what I wanted to do today and I said, "I'm doing it." She said, "You're not doing anything," and I said, "I'm enjoying it."

I do have a list of things I've never done that I never want to do. I've never gone sky diving. People skydive for the exhilaration, adrenalin, overcoming fear. No...No...No... Just stuff on my list of things I've never done and I never want to do.

I've never bungie jumped. Have you seen the gypsy carnival works that run the bungee jump? They're carnies in very high places. Did you check the bungee cord? "What, man? No, man, you're cool." No I'm not! I'm not cool! I'm scared. Is it cool to be scared? That's on my list of stuff I've never done and I never want to do.

I've never had a dick in my mouth. People may say, "John, you're not living out your life's full potential." To them, I say, "Good." I don't want to.

[johnstagecomedycom]

Mid-Life Crisis

2020 was a big year for me. I turned 50 and I started my career in Comedy. So, if you've never seen what a Mid-Life Crisis looks like - Hi, I'm John.

This is what a mid-life crisis looks like when you can't afford a Corvette. I'd much rather own a Corvette. Oh, no, "Let's go do open mics every night of the week." An open mic is where comedians go to perform in front of other comedians and slowly choke-out their own souls. Trust me a Corvette is more appealing.

I asked my wife if I could get a girlfriend. I asked. I don't want to cheat or go behind her back or lie. I love my wife very much. I want to stay married to her for the rest of my life, but I also want a girlfriend.

I think I just want someone to be nice to me.

Oh, and anal.

No matter how many times I've asked that woman she will not peg me.

I said, "Honey, can I get a 20-something year old girlfriend?" And, my wife looks me up and down and says, "probably no." That's not very nice.

As it turns out, she's right. I can't get a 20-something year old girlfriend. Because I didn't hear that old woman say, "No", I'm out there using all my pickup lines from the '90's.

At first, I thought it was the packaging. I'm not wrapped as tight was. But I think the real problem is - girls in their 20's don't want to hear interesting stories about things that happened in the '80's. They didn't watch '80's movies or listen to '80's music. They certainly don't want to hear my theories on Reaganomics. And, their not even impressed with the fact, I know how to program a VCR. Back in the day, I was a catch.

But, that's what you do when you're a man going through a mid-life crisis. You buy an expensive sports car and then go tongue-kiss the baby sitter. Just guy stuff. Just Bros being bros.

Or, you realize you've always been gay and you find yourself out in the bushes jerking off the neighbor's pool guy. Just dudes being dudes.

[johnstagecomedycom]

No Worry

My wife has nothing to worry about. She's not a jealous person and I've never given her anything to be jealous about.

I have a friend that boasts about being faithful. In the back of my mind, I think, "You're fat and ugly. Should be easy. Women aren't interested because you're not interesting."

My fatality has only been tested a few times, so I'm only a little better than my fat, ugly friend.

I was sitting at the bar after a show and I glanced to my right and a young, attractive woman was looking at me. Like any good, domesticated dog, I looked away, scared in the sightlines of a thirsty, lustful predator.

I should have run, but I froze. She circled her prey and landed a talion on my shoulder. She smiled and whispered the dirtiest thing a stranger has ever said to me.

"Tell me you want me to take your dick out of your pants."

Most people don't know this about me, but I'm a closeted country bumpkin; I said, "Shucks, Ma'am." I called her ma'am. She's twenty years younger than I am, but I called her Ma'am. I used the word, "Shucks"! That's embarrassing. I even think I had a bit of an accent. I'm not from the South. "Shucks, Ma'am, I'm a married man and I'm not comfortable with any of this." I'm not comfortable? I am a Bro, Dude kind of guy. I own two dozen baseball caps. I don't own a single sweatshirt without a Team logo. You want to go to a game? I'll chest-bump you right now. I high-five strangers. But - in that moment, I turned into a prissy, pink panty wearing princess, who isn't comfortable with any of this. Embarrassing! "Ah, Shucks, Ma'am, I'm gonna run home to my bride and sit on the front porch swing and drink sweet tea and pet my dog."

My wife has nothing to worry about.

Once my fatality was tested and didn't even know it was happening. A young, not so innocent neighbor lady was texted me. My wife was looking for pictures in my phone and saw the texts.

She confronted me. "Why are you texting the neighbor lady? You're not suppose to text other women." That does make sense.

I asked if I said anything wrong and my wife told me she showed the texts to her girlfriends and they decided I hadn't. I was judged before a committee of wives and found innocent. I'm innocent. My wife will sometimes describe me innocent. "My husband is.. innocent. I think she means "dumb", but I'd rather she use the word "innocent."

I went back and looked at the texts and I really am "innocent". One of them said her husband wasn't home and she was bored. My reply was, "That's too bad. I wanted to drink beer with him tonight. I love that guy." She did not write back.

One time she texted, "You UP?" I was not. I texted the next morning asking if she needed anything. She did not write back.

Once she texted me a picture of her pussy, but I couldn't make out what it was. I thought her dog killed something out in the yard. I'm innocent!

[johnstagecomedycom]

I had a major surgery in 2020. Don't worry. I'm fine. Thanks for your concern.

I, actually, hate when people do that. It's so passive/aggressive. "I broke my hip and people brought over food for a week. Then I fended for myself for six months." It's such a Grandma thing to say. "I was in the hospital for two weeks and you sent me a text. Thank you for thinking of me for a moment." "When I die maybe you'll send a card."

I was in the hospital. People keep coming in to talk to you before surgery to let you know what to expect. A dietitian came it to talk to me about my eating and drinking. She asked me how many drinks I have per week. I thought about it and said around 20. She clutched her pearls, gasped and repeated my answer as a question. "Twenty???"

I asked what most people answered and see told me two drinks per week. "LIERS! They all lie! Summons before me these perjurers, these cheats, these storytellers and I will obtain the truth!"

I told my brother this story and he said, "Yea, I think you're suppose to lie" and I said, "Yea, I think I did." I probably drink closer to 30 beers a week. I drink 20 on a weekend. What do you do on your days off?

The dietitian brought in a nurse and suggested they put me on Naltrexone, which is a withdrawal drug for alcoholics. Never mind, look who I'm talking to - bunch of drunks.

The nurse asked, "How many drinks per week?"

The dietitian said, "20", hand to chest.

The nurse looked at me and said, "He'll be fine," because, as you know, all nurses are booze hounds! That's why I get along with so many of them.

[johnstagecomedycom]

Growing Distinguished

I have been obsessed with my age ever since I turned 50. I think it's because when I was a young boy my grandparents were in their 50's and I thought they were the oldest people to ever roam the earth. Now that I'm in my 50's, I'm doing stand-up comedy and trying to grow my Instagram following...

I always thought when a man got older he grew more distinguished. Only if distinguished means sexually unappealing. I am invisible to younger women. I don't know when this happed or why it happened or why it bothers me, but it will bother you one day too. I think it's my pheromones. I smell like a dad. I smell like a Old Spice, Old Style and bowling somehow. I look like a guy with a hobby. I'll be he brews beer in his garage.

I'm not the type of guy to date a younger woman. I know some guys my age like that. It's too much of a needle in a haystack, trying to find a young woman broken enough to fall for an old man. We wouldn't have anything in common. I got a transistor radio for my 10th birthday. On her 10th, she got an iPhone. It's different. Younger women are like a racecar. It's ok to admire them, but I couldn't afford the daily upkeep.

I think I'm doing pretty good for a guy in his 50's. Have you seen men in their 50's? They look like old, fat, bald, drunk sacks of garbage. I'm looking pretty good. You don't think I can walk into a planet fitness and work some magic. With all of those single moms, I walk in lonely, I walk out a stepdad -- OK!?!

I'm doing good for a dude in his 50's. My mind is right. My brain is probably working gooder than it's done. I take some extra pills. I take heart medication; oh, and I take hydrocodone before I go to parties. I'm super chill at parties. Because you're probably wondering, my dick works great. Drugfree super hard dick.

The worst part about being in my 50's is that I'm surrounded by 70 year-olds. I have my parents, my in-laws, aunts and uncles. For some reason, I'm everyone's tech support. I'm not even good at tech. I'm just better than a 70 year old. The other day my father-in-law called and asked how to change the password on the Netflix account. I said, "I'm pretty sure you're using my Netflix account." Don't change my password, old man.

[johnstagecomedycom]

Flaws

I asked my wife what she thought was my greatest flaw. She said, "Oh, you think you're perfect!" Like she was on a game show. She couldn't answer fast enough.

I don't think I'm perfect. That's silly. I am self-righteous and maybe that's what she meant. Self-righteous people believe there's a right way of doing things and then an insanely stupid way of doing things. If we see you doing it the wrong way, we will explain in great detail the benefits and reasons why you should do it the correct way (our way). It's a lot to live with.

I don't know why my wife would think that I think I'm perfect. Maybe it's because I can get all the laundry done in one day and I don't spread it out over a week so that it's never actually done. Maybe it's because I know how to load the dishwasher correctly or because I don't run into shit with my car, because I know how to program the thermostat and can find Netflix using the remote or because I haven't burned every pancake I've ever made in my entire life. Whatever.

[johnstagecomedycom]

Hi...I'm 50

I have been obsessed with my age since I turned 50. I know age is just a numbers, but 50 is a really, really big number and that's what bothers me.

I always thought as men aged they grew more distinguished. I don't know. Unless distinguished means: unfuckable. Then that makes sense.

I am invisible to women under 40. I don't know when that happened or why it happened or why it bothers me that it happened. Invisible.

"Did you see that guy?"

"I didn't even notice him. I did smell something funny."

"Ya. That was him."

It must be my pheromones'. I smell like a guy with a hobby. It's a combination of Old Spice, Old Style and bowling somehow.

That's ok. I don't want a woman in her 30's. I'd like to play with one for a weekend, but I don't want to keep one. It's like a sports car. I don't want to pay for one, but I'd like to stick my dick in it. Maybe that's a bad analogy.

I'm 51. I think I'm doing pretty good for a guy in his 50's. Have you seen men in their 50's? They're old, fat, drunk, bald sacks of garbage. I'm doing pretty good.

You don't think I can clean up at Planet Fitness? All those single moms. I walk into a Planet Fitness lonely; I walk out a step-dad.

I'm doing good for a guy in his 50's. I do take a few extra medications. I take some heart medications. Oh, I take Hydrocodone before I guy to parties. I'm super chill at parties.

My mind is right. My brain is probably working gooder than its ever done.

I know you're wondering, so I'll just tell you. Dick works great. Drug free, super hard dick. I think if you're in your 50's and you drive a nice car and get a hard-on. You're winning. If you are in decent shape and you have hair, you're probably cheating the system.

The worst part about being in my 50's is that I'm surrounded by 70 year-olds. My Mom and Dad, Mother-in-Law, Father-in-Law, aunts and uncles are all in their 70's. For some reason, I'm everyone's tech-support. I'm not even good at tech. I'm just better than a 75 year old person.

My father-in-law called me the other day and asked, "How do I change the password on the old Netflix account?"

I'm like, "It's my Netflix account. Don't change my password."

Many of my friends have a bucket list of things they want to do before they die. I have an anti-bucket list of stuff I have not done and will never do before I die.

Bungie jump is at the top of the list. I've never done it and will never want to do it. Fly fishing is also on that list. It looks cool, but I'm never going to do it.

I've never had a dick in my mouth. There's a streak I'm going to try and keep alive. You may think I'm not living out my full life's potential. Well, good. I'm ok with that.

I do have one regret. There's something I've never done and will never get to do. I've never done the anal.

I was at my sexual peak in the 1990's. Everyone was afraid of getting the AIDS in the 90's. Anal sex seemed like a one-way street to AIDS town. It was a dirt road. Destination AIDS-VILLE. Not too many were doing the anal in the 90's.

I got married in 2000, which was well before the period known as the "Great Anal Awakening" you all enjoy today.

I brought it up to my wife early in the marriage. I said, "Ya know? People are doing it. It's a thing people do."

My wife said, "Oh, but I don't have a butthole."

"You don't have a butthole?"

"No. I don't have a butthole."

"I'm pretty sure everyone has a butthole."

"Well, I don't."

She's never really lied to me before, but I will admit, I am skeptical. I thought, unless you're a plant or a rock, you've got a butthole. But, then again, I've never heard the woman fart. Not even a squeaker in the night, so maybe it is the truth.

We're not the kind of couple that poops with the door open. If you love your person so much that you can poop with the door open, you may love them too much. Bring your love down about 10% and be normal.

I plan on spending the rest of my life with my wife, so I guess I'm going to live my entire existence on this planet and never get to do the anal. It seams like a waste of life, really.

I'm going to get up to Heaven and God will be like, "What?!? You never did the anal?!? Ahh, you would have loved it! You never had a dick in your mouth?!? That's crazy! That's it! I'm going to send you back down and this time I'm making you gay! Don't argue with me or I'll make you black too.

[johnstagecomedycom]

Flaws

I asked my wife what she thought was my greatest flaw. I'm brave. I asked and she said, "Oh, you think you're perfect!" She answered like she was on a game show. Like she has been waiting a long time for me to ask her what's wrong with me. She even had food in her mouth and still she couldn't get it out fast enough.

I don't think I'm perfect. That would be silly. I am self-righteous and maybe that's worse. She may have gotten that right if she would have taken more time to answer.

Self-righteous people think there is a right way of doing things and a stupid way of doing things. If we catch you doing it the stupid way, we are going to correct you. It's our super-power. We owe it to you. We will explain in great detail the benefits in doing it the right way. It's a gift. You are welcome.

I don't know why she would think that I think I'm perfect. Maybe it's because I can get the laundry done in one day and I don't spread it out over an entire week and it's never officially done. Maybe it's because I know how to correctly stack the dishes in the dishwasher. Or, because I don't run into shit with my car? Is it because I know how to program the thermostat. Is it because I haven't burned every pancake I've ever made in my life?

I know I'm a lot to live with. Whatever.

[johnstagecomedycom]

Runners

Running can be fun.  Not the actual running, but events around running can be fun.  Anyone who runs even a little should just sign yourself up for a 5k.  There are always surprises and many types of people who sign up for these things.

There are the Front Liners.  These are the guys who are committed to winning this race.  They are attempting to trample the other racers in the Wheaton Valley Park District Fun Run, Walk & Kid’s Dash.  They are poised at the starting line with their finger on their watch, holding back their aerobically trained hearts with hopes of breaking their personal record.

Behind the Front Liners are the ex-high school track stars.  They’re just getting back into shape and may try to win next year, but secretly think they just might win their age group.

Behind the aged out athlete are the members of the local run club.  They meet each Saturday for their “long-run”, but take time out a couple weekends a month to run for charity.  Watch out for the elderly gentleman with all the cool running gear.  He’ll sneak up and beat one of the winded old track studs in the final quarter mile.

Behind the members of the Leaf River Runners for Life Club, you’ll find the rest of us -- the ones that shouldn’t be there, stayed out way too late last night, those who got talked into coming, the old ladies who are just going to walk.

The race doesn’t start until the final Kid’s Dash participant crosses the finish line.  These are the kids whose parents want to tire-out their kid, feed them ice cream and make sure there’s a nap this afternoon.  Dad needs some momma loving and that’s happening today!

I am always surprised at what greets me at the finish line.  There is always a handful of people I never thought would finish before me.  I’m not saying the Front Liners don’t deserve to cross well ahead of me, but when you see the guy wearing a shirt that says, “Triple bypass, Diabetic, and still ahead of you.”  It piss you off.  There are always one or two women twice my age standing around eating a banana at the finish line.  Losing to a fat kid really gets to me.  Sure he’s younger, but with 25lbs per boob, it must be a disadvantage.  When did he jiggle past me?

Event runs can be fun.  The Sham-Rock Shuffle has drinking before, during and after the race.  Turkey Trots are just so people can brag about what they did before coming to Thanksgiving.  Christmas runs usually have about 5000 Santas, 2000 Elves and 12 Jews dressed as candles. 

Then there’s running races in October.  Santa always makes appearances at these too.  You will also see Frankenstein, Where’s Waldo, Gumby, Pokémon, 60 Supermen and a thousand Wonder Women.  I once got beat by a guy in a body bag.  He just had a hole cut out for his face and feet.  He couldn’t even get a full stride and ran with no arms.