#(like say...during a goddamn pandemic)

[shesgonnachangetheworld]

since everyone clearly decided to memory-hole the last trump administration, here's a reminder that a big reason it wasn't as bad as it could've been (and note, it was still fuck awful) was because people were constantly getting fired/quitting the administration because they are all so deeply incompetent. articles were written about the absurd turnover rate. demi adejuyigbe wrote a song about it

[docrobinavitch]

say goodbye like you mean it | pt. one

dr. robby x f!charge nurse!oc content: 18+ mdni, swearing, vague age gap (oc mid to late thirties) words: 4.5k PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR synopsis: dana is serious about leaving, at least for a while. her replacement is bright eyed, bushy tailed, and determined to impress robby and robby is less than thrilled... but can't help but be impressed. as well as a little infatuated. a/n: this is my first fic for the pitt! idk how many parts this will be yet, but pls let me know your thoughts

“And there’s nothing I can do to convince you that this is a mistake?” Dr. Robby was looking at Dana with the softest, pleading eyes he could muster.

But Dana only smiled and shook her head, “Would you give the kid a chance first? It’s only a trial and I’ll be here the first few days and train her, alright? I vetted her myself. She was charge nurse in her own ER in Manhattan. During Covid.” She added for emphasis.

“Huh, no shit.” Robby rubbed at his beard, “How old is she?”

Dana shrugged, “I’m not sure, somewhere in her thirties?” 

Just then, the doors of the ER opened and the new charge nurse walked in, securing her hair with a claw clip as she walked toward the hub.

“Here she comes,” Dana said and elbowed Robby in the side, “Be nice, please.”

“Sweetheart!” Dana said as she approached and a smile lit up her face. “Welcome, thank you for coming in.”

“Of course,” She said, looking around the already chaotic ER, “I’m eager to get my hands dirty.”

“There will be no shortage of that, I can assure you.” Robby interjected.

Finally, her eyes fell on him and her smile widened, “You must be Dr. Robby. Dana told me all about you. It’s nice to put a face to the name,” She held out a hand, “Gwen Keating.”

He took her outstretched hand in his, “Good to meet you too. Though, I don’t envy you, you have big shoes to fill,” He dropped her hand, “I’m still trying to convince Dana to stay.”

Dana glared at Robby, “I told you to behave.”

“Gwen” Robby continued, ignoring Dana, “Dana tells me you were charge nurse at a hospital in Manhattan during the pandemic. Which one?”

Her face falls marginally, “New York Presbyterian.” She says softly.

The words hit him in the chest, “My God,” He shakes his head, “You guys were basically ground zero. We learned how to use one ventilator to treat two patients from you.”

Gwen looks down at her hands which he notices are now pulling at cuticles around her nail bed, “Yeah.” She says eventually, “It was a fucking nightmare and we adapted as quickly as we could.” Then she winces, “Sorry. Shouldn’t curse on my first day.”

“Don’t sweat it, kid,” Dana said, putting an arm around her shoulders, “The pandemic was a motherfucker for all of us.”

She gives Dana a sad smile and leans into her embrace. 

Robby hates that Dana is leaving. Hates it so much, in fact, he had thought about putting in his two weeks several times. But each time he had faltered. And now Gwen was here, by all accounts looking like a goddamn angel, and he thought maybe everything would be okay after all.

Robby and Dana give her the grand tour, introducing her to everyone. She’s quick to learn names and she takes diligent notes. Though she’s a trained nurse and not a doctor, Robby learns quickly that being charge nurse during covid had many doctors giving her a lot of leeway. 

“We were constantly short staffed with doctors and nurses getting sick,” She shrugged, “It wasn’t uncommon for a doctor to be on speaker phone, sick at home, walking me through an intubation or a chest tube. But don’t worry,” Gwen said quickly at the look of alarm on Robby’s face, “That part of my life is over. Thankfully.”

Before he can comment, a lower abdominal GSW is rolling in and the three of them are immediately gloving up, following the gurney into trauma three.

Robby calls for Collins and Whitaker who trailed behind.

Giving the case to Collins, his eyes focus on Gwen as she reads vitals, jumps in when needed, and delegates tasks to other nurses with ease as things get more tricky. She has tools and meds ready before Collins can even ask, already anticipating how she would want to treat.

When the patient is stable and headed to an OR, Gwen degloves and walkd back over to Robby, looking a bit smug.

“So, did I pass?” She asks. Dana is grinning at Robby from behind her back.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She smirks, “So you weren’t evaluating me?”

“The person you should be trying to impress is Dana, not me.”

She scoffs, “Please. Dana is already impressed. I know it’s your approval I need to work here.”

He turns his attention from Collins to Gwen, eyes rolling carefully over her face. He is impressed. Thoroughly. But he doesn’t want her to know that yet.

“Have you ever thought about going to med school?”

“Oh, bite your tongue!” Dana snaps, “We need more nurses, not doctors.”

She laughs, and turns back to Robby, “I did, yeah. Before covid.” Again, he notices the way her face falls just slightly at the recollection of the pandemic, “But I decided I like it better in the background. As charge nurse, especially, I like all the admin work. I love working with patients, but I love taking care of my nurses and doctors more, I think. Is that awful?”

Robby’s shaking his head, “No. That’s exactly what we need from a charge nurse. A mother hen, right Dana?”

Dana had her arms around Gwen’s shoulders again as she laughed, “Isn’t she just the best?”

Robby rolled his eyes and began to walk away, “You haven’t passed yet.” He called over his shoulder.

“What?”

“We’ll see if you survive to the end of the shift.”

She laughed, “I do love a challenge.”

“Good,” Robby called back, “Because I’m very difficult to impress.”

Mateo was standing next to Dana at the hub, both of them intently watching Gwen and Robby, “I gotta hand it to you, Dana,” Mateo said as he took a bite of a sandwich from the patient bin, “You’re good. Not only have you given Robby a perfect replacement, you’re also getting him laid.”

Mateo offered Dana a fist, which Dana bumped while smiling, “Robby should be kissing my feet in thanks.”

The rest of the shift flew by with little incident. Things ran smoothly with Gwen behind the wheel. She had questions for Dana every now and then, but she was a fast learner and by the fourth hour, Dana hardly needed to do anything. She had Dana’s respect, and so she had the nurses’ respect as well. The doctors? Well, they looked to Robby first and he hadn’t yet decided how he felt about her. Though, it was clear the two of them worked well together almost immediately. And it was very clear that they had become a team when the reports of ICE being in the area started rolling in.

“What are you hearing?” Robby walked up to the hub, a bunch of nurses were around the desk, around Gwen, their phones out and scrolling.

“Reports of ICE vans in the area,” She said, looking at her own phone, “Rumors they plan to stop here.”

Robby nodded, “What do you want to do?”

Both Gwen and Dana’s eyes snapped to Robby in surprise, “You’re asking me?” She said slowly.

“Yeah. Surely you went through this sort of thing in New York. What’s the protocol?”

She stared at him for only a moment before she jumped into action, “Nurses, everyone is on a patient until I say otherwise. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure ICE does not get in here, but if they do, being in a hospital means these people are protected by the law. If it comes to it, make sure the patients know that. They do not have to speak to the officers without a lawyer. They do not have to leave with ICE unless they have a warrant signed by a judge. If that is the case, I will confirm the legitimacy of the warrant. 

We do not leave a single patient unattended until we’re sure no one is coming. I know there are more patients than there are nurses, assign yourselves no more than three patients that you can cycle through every thirty seconds. No one unattended more than thirty seconds, unless a medical emergency dictates otherwise. I trust you all to make sure every patient is covered, make sure you’re communicating with each other. Doctors, if you notice a patient doesn’t have a nurse, let me know and I will assign them one. You can explain to the patients why you’re there if you like, but do not pressure anyone to reveal their citizenship status to you. It’s better we don’t know anyway. Is Ahmad around?”

“Present.” Ahmad strolls up to the hub, hands on his belt.

“Can security make sure every entrance to the ER has at least one man watching it? If ICE shows up, do not let them in, call me. I will come out to meet them.”

Ahmad looked to Robby who nodded, and then looked back to Gwen, “Roger,” he said and headed for the ambulance bay.

“Any questions?” She asked the medical professionals that encircled her, but she’s met with only silence.

“Alright everyone, you’ve got your marching orders,” Robby said, “Back to work.”

While a nurse caught Gwen in conversation, Robby watched her and Dana sidled up to him, “You know, the sky won’t fall if you admit you like her.”

Robby just glared at her before heading in the direction of Whitaker, who was flagging him down to a patient’s bed.

It was true, he was really starting to warm to Gwen. Sure, it had only been half a shift, but things in the ED moved quickly and everyone worked in close quarters which meant he didn’t need long at all to get a sense of someone. And she was the real deal, that much was clear.

It was only thirty minutes before Ahmad was paging Gwen that ICE was in the ambulance bay.

“Do you want me to come with you?” 

She spun to see Robby just behind her. She had gotten used to his proximity in the first half of the shift, in fact, she was beginning to find his constant presence comforting.

“Only if you want to,” She said slowly, “Well… Yes, actually, if you don’t mind. I find they respond better to male authority figures.”

“Okay,” He started following her towards the exit, “But you take lead?”

She nods, “Of course. Thank you.”

“Officers, I’m the charge nurse here, this is Dr. Robinavitch, our senior physician. How can we help you?”

There were three men in street clothes, the tallest one in front stepped forward, “We have a warrant for a patient here, we need to be allowed inside to take them.”

“Okay, I need to see some ID and the warrant before I can let you inside.”

“We have a warrant. Let us inside now and we’ll be out of your hair.”

“I’m sorry, sir, I cannot let you inside without seeing the warrant myself first as well as some ID.”

The man made a big show of huffing and puffing before retrieving a warrant from his pocket. Gwen was conscious of Robby just behind her, shifting his weight from foot to foot. She let her shoulders drop remembering he was there. She had just met him, but felt already that she could trust him to have her back. It had been a long time since she had had that sort of rapport with a colleague, let alone a superior.

He handed the paper over and before she had time to read it, was already trying to shove past her.

“Excuse me—!” She scoffed and tried to shove him back, “Ahmad?”

Ahmad was immediately there, shoving the man back. “I gave you the warrant, let’s go!” The man snarled.

Gwen glared and took her time unfolding the piece of paper he gave her and scanning it. It took her only a moment to recognize it wasn’t a proper warrant, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you in with this. Please come back when you have a warrant signed by a judge.”

She turned to leave, ignoring the man’s calls behind her. She doesn’t see what happens next, but very quickly, Robby has put himself between her and the ICE officer.

“You touch my nurse.” He said lowly, dangerously, “And we’re going to have bigger issues. If you want access to our department, you need a warrant signed by a judge, that is the law. Not a piece of paper signed by one of your own. Until then, get off the property or we call the police.”

“Hey man,” The officer backed off almost immediately, “We don’t want any trouble.”

Gwen rolls her eyes and walks away, thoroughly annoyed, “Asshole.” She mumbles under her breath.

Soon, Robby is jogging to her side, “Are you okay?”

“Fine.” She says, “Did he lunge at me?”

He hesitates, “Yes, but Ahmad and I wouldn’t have let him touch you.”

She almost smirks, “Are you worried I’m going to get scared and bolt?”

“What?” He says quickly, too quickly, “No. No.” He said firmly, “Just making sure you’re okay.”

“Well, Dr. Robby, it’ll take a lot more than a disgruntled ICE officer to get me out of your ER.”

He smiles at her, for the first time, and it sends a flutter to her chest. He had such kind, warm eyes.

“I’ll just have to try harder then, I guess.”

She smirked as they both walked back into central, “Come on, don’t you know a lost cause when you see one?”

He smiles, but grows serious again, “Are you sure you’re okay?” He asks quietly, “If you need a break or anything, I would encourage you to do so.”

Gwen shakes her head, “I’m sure you know the rate of assault on nurses?” He nodded, looking down at the ground, “Believe me when I say I’ve had much worse than an attempted hair pull. But I appreciate your concern, truly. It’s… not common in my experience for doctors to treat their nurses with the attention and care you do. To treat the nurses as equals. It doesn’t go unnoticed.” She squeezed his arm and headed back to the hub, announcing to everyone to resume care as normal.

“So,” Robby didn’t hear Collins until she was already next to him, “The new Dana’s pretty badass, don’t you think?”

“Don’t call her that.”

Collins smirked and followed after Robby when he tried to walk away, “Come on, Robby. We’ve all been watching you flirt all shift. Just admit that you like her.”

He sits at his workspace and puts his glasses on, “Did Dana put you up to this?”

“She didn’t have to. It’s more and more obvious by the second.”

Robby sighed and rubbed at his eyes, “Don’t you have patients?”

Collins rolled her eyes, but walked away without another word. In her absence, Robby’s eyes seemed naturally drawn to Gwen. The phone was pressed to her ear, but with the chaos of the ER, he couldn’t hear who she was talking to or what she was saying. While on the phone, she directed some nurses and respiratory therapists looking for patients and supplies. It was uncanny to him how fast she came up to speed, but he supposed spending years in Manhattan would do that. Maybe his ER was a cake walk to her.

Beyond his fascination with Gwen’s professional capabilities, he would be lying if he said he didn’t find her unnervingly attractive. He knew Abbott would be egging him on if he were here, practically begging him to ask her out. If you don’t, I will. He could hear him say. And he couldn’t allow that. He would ask her out for a beer later, he decided. It wasn’t like him to move this fast, to acknowledge his feelings so quickly. More than likely she had someone waiting at home for her anyway. She would let him down gently, professionally, and then he could put this ridiculous pining behind him before it had a chance to really take root. It was genius, really.

Just three hours of the shift left before he could put it to rest.

***

7:17 PM

“Well.” Gwen was standing in front of Robby as he was finishing up charting, hands clasped behind her back and rocking on her heels like a little kid. He had been watching her, so he knew she had already done her rounds with the night shift charge nurse. She had sent Dana home an hour early, insisting she could handle it solo. Dana had given Robby the I told you so look before leaving.

“Well, what?” He asked, not looking up from his chart. 

“Are you impressed? Did I pass?”

He took a deep breath before meeting her eyes. She was flushed and sweating a little from the exertion of the shift. Strands of hair had freed themselves from her claw clip and either stuck to her face or hung loosely around it. Robby thought he might be more attracted to her now than he was a few hours ago.

“You did good, but it’s a long way before I’m impressed.”

She shrugged, “That’s fine, I’m very patient.”

He smiled and rubbed at his beard, “Would you… want to grab a beer with me?”

She blinked, raising her eyebrows in surprise. Here we go, Robby thought to himself and braced himself for the rejection.

“I thought you didn’t like me.”

He frowned, “I never said that.”

Gwen’s eyes narrow as she scrutinizes him and he feels himself beginning to sweat under the weight of her gaze. He wanted her to get it over with, to rip the bandaid, to say no so he could go home and drink alone in front of the TV.

But she didn’t do that.

“Yeah, okay.” She said finally.

“Y-Yeah?” He asked, mostly to confirm that he had heard correctly, “No… significant other or family waiting for you at home?”

She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes, “Nope. You?”

He couldn’t believe it. How was it that she was all alone? “Not a soul.”

“Ok, well, I’ll meet you in the ambulance bay in five?”

He nodded, still feeling a bit in shock, “Yeah, sure.” 

When she walked away, he watched her hips sway and knew he was in deep shit. 

There was a familiar whistle and then a hand on his shoulder, “Nobody told me Dana’s replacement was hot.”

Robby shrugged off Dr. Abbott’s hand, “Have some respect, brother. She worked the ER during the pandemic in Manhattan.”

“The early days?” Robby nodded and Abbott let out another low whistle, “No shit?”

Robby sighed, beginning to log out of the computer after finishing his final chart, “That’s what I said. But her work today proves it, for sure. She’s a pro.”

“Why come work at the Pitt, then? She could probably have her pick of any hospital with the nurse shortage.”

“No idea. Hoping to find out now, I’m taking her out for a drink.”

“No shit!” Abbott said again, clapping him on the back, “Don’t let me keep you then, go get her Robby.”

***

The bar two blocks away from the hospital was quiet. It was a Tuesday, after all. The lighting was warm and soft and Gwen and Robby had sought shelter in a corner booth in the back.

They were sitting close enough that just a small movement would have their legs pushed together. Gwen tried not to notice, but over the 12 hour shift, she was beginning to wonder how anyone in the ER stopped themselves from having a huge massive crush on the grumpy attending with the kind eyes. She, certainly, was failing miserably.

“So, Dr. Robby, how long have you been at the Pitt?” She asked as she sipped her beer.

He sighed heavily, “I’ve lost track. probably about a decade, at least.”

“And you love it?”

His eyebrows furrow and he gives her a strange look, “That’s an odd question. Do any of us really love it?”

She laughs, “Probably the interns or med students. The way I see it, it’s like an addiction. When you’re fresh and new, nothing can beat the high of an ER shift. And then as the years pass, you keep coming back looking for that same high. And there are good moments. You save someone’s kid, or parent, or friend, or partner. But it never hits quite the same as it did the first time.” She takes a long swig of her beer, “But we still come back each shift, hoping it’ll be the shift that makes us feel the same way it did in the beginning.”

She turns her head back to Robby, “Is it like that for you, too?”

He nods slowly, watching her with awe, “Something like that, yeah.”

Silence falls between the two of them for a few moments, but it’s a comfortable one. Gwen doesn’t notice how Robby has moved marginally closer to her. They’re still not touching, but there’s only a hairsbreadth of space between them.

“Why’d you leave New York?” Robby asked finally.

Gwen chews on the inside of her cheek, peeling at the label on her beer bottle. The glass is cold and wet and the glue from the label comes off with ease.

“Um,” She said finally, “It was hard to be in the same place as I was during covid. The memories, the flashbacks. I needed a change, is all.”

Robby nods, but he thinks she’s not telling him the whole truth, “There was an almost two year gap on your resume, from 2023 to now.”

Her head snaps to him and now he knows for certain she’s definitely hiding something, “I didn’t know you saw my resume.”

“I asked Dana for it halfway through the shift, out of curiosity.”

She turns back to her beer bottle, “Does the gap concern you?”

He shook his head, “No. You obviously know what you’re doing in an ER. I just wonder why someone as talented as you would want a job at the Pitt.”

Gwen’s quiet for a few moments, “I’m from Pittsburgh. My parents live nearby, I wanted to be closer to them.”

It’s a half truth, and they both know it.

“And the gap?” 

She sighs, “Look, it’s not… It’s not something that affects my work, I’m just not comfortable talking about it right now. If that’s okay?”

Robby wants to know everything there is to know about her. But he understands the hesitancy. Who was he to push her to divulge personal information when he has trouble opening up to people he’d known for years? But he would get it out of her eventually.

“Yeah,” He says after a moment, “I understand.”

They talked for a while after about anything and everything. Her parents, his parents. Jake. What types of music she listened to (she loved 90s indie rock, like the Cranberries and Smashing Pumpkins) to how their families celebrated the holidays when they were young. They even delved into religion, discovering that though they both had been raised in organized religion (her, Catholicism; him, Judaism) neither of them believed in God anymore.

“It’s funny, though.” Gwen said, after she finished off her second beer, “During the pandemic I was so desperate for guidance I once found myself wandering into a church after a shift. I sat in a pew and cried for over an hour, repeating prayers I knew under my breath.”

“Did it help?”

She shrugged, “I felt better for a couple of days after. But nothing really changed.”

He nodded, “I do something similar, even now. When I feel at the end of my rope. I think it is… meditative in a way.”

Gwen nods, “Yeah. That’s exactly it.”

They stared at each other, the mutual understanding intoxicating. 

But there was still so much they didn’t know.

Gwen cleared her throat, breaking eye contact first, “I should probably be getting home.”

“Sure,” Robby said, trying to hide his disappointment, “Me too.”

They walked in step until the cool night air hit them. Gwen was so lost in her own thoughts, she didn’t notice the uneven sidewalk until her sneaker caught it and she went flying.

Luckily, Robby’s reflexes were sharp and he reached out immediately to catch her, pulling her to his chest, “Woah,” He laughed, “Didn’t take you for a lightweight.”

“Shit,” Gwen swore, her hands flat against his chest, “I’m sorry.”

She started to move away, but his arms were solid, keeping her secured against him, “No need.” Their eyes locked again and he felt that pull to her that had been nagging at him all day, “Am I crazy,” He said softly, “if I tell you how badly I want to kiss you right now?”

Gwen’s eyes darted down to his mouth and she swallowed, “No.”

Robby lowered his head slowly, painfully slowly, as if he was afraid of scaring her off. Gwen had said earlier that she was patient, but not that patient. She rose on her toes until their lips met. She felt his gasp of surprise, but then he was reacting. One hand on her waist, another cupping her neck as he kissed her hard and slow.

Gwen hadn’t been kissed in something like two years, and she couldn’t remember the last time she had been kissed like this, if she ever had. Robby kissed like there was no one else in the world, but them. He kissed as if he wasn’t quite sure that the sun would rise the next morning. He kissed as if the ocean threatened to swallow them whole. It was all consuming and it made her head spin.

The kiss became hungrier and Robby sucked her lower lip into his mouth, biting the flesh gently. She sighed into his mouth, but the longer the kiss went on, the louder the alarm bells in her head began to ring. 

She broke the kiss, gently pulling away, “Sorry,” She said breathlessly, a hand on his chest, “I, um, I don’t think this is a good idea.”

Robby frowned at her, “If you’re worried about the job, don’t. You don’t report to me, you report to the Nursing Director—“

“It’s not that.” She said quickly, “And it’s not you, either. I…” She trails off and then meets his eyes again, “I haven’t dated or done something like this in a long time. I’m not sure that I’m ready. I’m… I’m sorry, I thought I was, but—“

“It’s okay.” He said quickly, putting his hands over hers that were still against his chest, “You don’t have to explain. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Gwen wanted to stay here. She had the overwhelming feeling that once she stopped touching him, she wouldn’t be able to touch him again. But he was stepping away already, dropping her arms and allowing them distance. 

She nodded, “Yes. Tomorrow.”

His eyes roved down to her mouth and then back up to her eyes, “Goodnight, Gwen.” 

And then he was walking away. She watched his figure as he walked down the road, never turning back, until he turned right and disappeared behind a building.

She closed her eyes and sighed, “Fuck me.”

PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR

[daryfromthefuture]

i have another wild au concept i need to share: bttf shifted like 40 years forward and marty and doc meet online (maybe during the covid pandemic even?)

doc has some sort of username that's just "science_guy_121" or something and he like. replies to martys instagram story at some point where marty maybe just had to tag random ass accounts for a challenge. marty didn't expect anyone to reply but doc was like "Thank you for tagging me! 😃" and marty knows just from this message that doc is OLD lmao

marty goes "yeah no prob" and doesn't think he'll talk to the guy ever again, but doc just keeps messaging him. they find out they share an interest in music and ramble about bands a lot.

the man does know about internet anonymity and doesn't say his name, but he does say how old he is at some point and marty probably should be concerned about talking to 60 year olds online at like 13/14 years old, but he really isn't since the guy is so friendly. he does ask at some point, and doc is just super confused as to why anyone would even have bad intentions and assures marty he just likes talking to people, and that topic is never brought up again

a year later or so, marty convinces doc to get discord, and that happens at like two in the morning, so doc asks what's keeping the kid awake and marty goes on to tell doc about his family situation. doc is really empathetic and grows to be martys support system, and even as an online friend, he helps marty so much, talking to him at 3 am to calm him after hearing his parents fight all night. doc also helps him with schoolwork via internet, essentially helping marty pass several classes.

in early 2025, doc leaks that he's building something really cool and that he'd love to show marty his new invention, to which marty goes "damn, i wanna come see. may i ask which city u live close to" and doc replies with "Oh, I believe San Francisco seems adjacent enough." marty cannot believe this and texts "NO WAY, SAME HERE".

doc: That's quite the coincidence! Well, I might as well say I live in a small town called Hill Valley.

marty: WHAT

doc: Yeah, I'd assume you've never heard of it. 😂

marty: NO NO

marty: I ACTUALLY

marty: I LITERALLY AM FROM THE SAME TOWN?!?!

and that's how marty finds out he's been talking to the "crazy doc brown" the ENTIRE TIME lol

the two can, without any trouble, meet in person, and the first thing marty does when getting to the garage is apologize profusely for still laughing about the rumors about doc while texting him online about how kind he was at the same time. doc forgives him, and that's how they basically start spending time together in person. marty's screen time goes down significantly, but he's actually so goddamn happy about having a friend like that and will defend doc with his life.

yeah that's kinda it. also a bit of a homage to all the awesome people i have met on the internet. love you guys <3

[southconfessionpark]

Many in the fandom like to disregard Butters’ involvement in the Weiner’s Out movement, but I’d like to argue that this movement was absolutely nothing surprising for Butters’ character. It’s only a continuation to add depth to his character, and it does no one in the fandom good to ignore it. It makes the most sense FOR his character to be the one to lead that movement. Yes, Butters is naive and innocent and should be protected at all costs. He is usually the one being bullied, and that should not be ignored. I fucking love Butters and hope this nuanced analysis doesn’t make it seem otherwise. I could write a whole ass essay on Butters being bullied and how that impacts his motivations and behavior, but that’s another topic for another day. Does Butter’s goodness and nativity mean that he’s always innocent and doesn’t bully others? ABSOLUTELY not. And that’s not just going based on season 20 at ALL. He has a history of being a dick even in prior seasons, especially to girls and to further his business goals. Hell, he even has a clear tendency towards being extremely rude to Kyle and Stan in particular, even with S&K trying to be very kind and protective of him in the later seasons (*yes, I promise I know S&K are dicks and bullies to him in earlier seasons which is kinda the whole POINT for his transitioning into a dick himself lmao).

He rips on Kyle for being voted ugliest in the class with lots of unbridled joy, being an absolute straight-up bully more than Kyle ever was to him. He rips on Stan for questioning the whole Cis issue when Stan is incredibly confused about girl vs boy stereotypes, yelling at him in front of everyone to use a different bathroom. He yells at Kyle when he genuinely expresses concern for why Cartman wants to spend so much time with him in the ‘cartman sucks’ episode, telling him to ‘grow up.’. He gets upset when Stan tries to intervene when yelling at the kids for tying Butters up (Kenny was included in torturing him, don’t forget this. It was Kyle and esp Stan who ultimately stuck up for him here. Idk WHY the fandom seems to think kenny is the nicest to Kenny when he’s absolutely canonically on the same level as S&K when it comes to dealing w Butters. Maybe the Hawaii episode? But even then it’s more kenny being roped into things w Butters bullying everyone but him and trying to be kind than anything. Not saying I don’t love the Bunny ship because I do, but it’s the goddamn honest truth) on the tetherball pole for never kissing a girl. He’s extremely and loudly mean to Stan despite knowing that Stan is being ostracized in the recent season’s toilet paper episode despite everything being on Randy and not Stan, tricking Stan into listening to him after being bombarded all day with classmate’s taunts by luring him into a conversation calling him a ‘really good friend’ only to completely rip on him for no good reason.  He yells at Stan for being an asshole for trying to genuinely help him during the pandemic despite Stan so clearly going through mental shit himself and trying to pour his blood sweat and tears to help Butters out in the process. There’s so many other instances of him ripping on S&K when they try to help.

He is consistently rude to Wendy and Bebe. In the Smurf’s episode, he leads an entire movement to discredit Wendy, even when not being asked to by Cartman. There’s a fucking reason that the fourth-grade girls (who I can assure you are not seeing Butters in a nuanced way as us adults do) tend to rip on Butters, and he honestly usually deserves it when they do. He calls Bebe a slut and bitch for no reason, getting himself beat up. He taunts Wendy the entire breast cancer episode, being an absolute dick until he realizes Wendy has the upper-hand. He often goes along with Cartman’s views on girls due to his naivety and easily being manipulated, or just not knowing better due to typical girl vs. boy arguments in elementary school. Does a lot of this have to do with him just being a 10-year-old kid who clearly has a history of being bullied himself as well as just being so incredibly naive that he doesn’t understand a lot of the social complexities of things? Absolutely! Does it make it less worse for those he bullies, like Bebe, Stan, Kyle, or Wendy? No, especially considering they are kids themselves who don’t understand the nuances of these things and social dynamics! Does this mean that all those aforementioned people he bullies hasn’t bullied him in the past? No! That’s one of the whole fucking points of it all; that little kids bully each other! Does this mean he grows up to be a dick? Absolutely not! I still think that despite this, he still is the most wholesome person on the goddamn show!

But does all this mean that the Weiner’s Out movement is not in character for him like too many in the fandom tend to pretend otherwise?

ABSOLUTELY not. The Weiner’s Out movement was SO in character for Butters, and those who disagree do not look at Butters as an entirely nuanced, flawed, HUMAN yet still wholesome character. You can’t just make him completely wholesome. He’s NOT. And those who disagree just don’t have the capacity to view things from a non-black-and-white angle.

(Sorry, I know this is a whole ass essay/ted talk. Feel free to cut it down :))

[mmkin]

goddamn gaiman

When the allegations against Neil Gaiman first came out, I will admit I was initially skeptical, because like so many other people, I thought nawww, not Gaiman, and this was after being aware of a few cases of false accusations (not limited to sex-related) I hoped these allegations were false because I didn't want to think that someone I had long admired could be capable of such an ugly thing.

But I'm also not one of these people who defends celebrities no matter what they do. I accepted that yes, this man admired by so many was indeed capable of something so horrible. That horribleness was really illustrated when the article about him exploiting his nanny came out. If you read that article, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And for those who have not read the article… trigger warnings ahoy (I'm not kidding!)

It was already disheartening enough when the matter first came out, and much more so when I read about just how depraved Gaiman was. Reading the article about various things he did and the way he exploited his victims made my stomach churn.

I thought back to various things I'd read in Gaiman's work. As a teenager, I was a huge fan of Neil Gaiman. I bought the entire Sandman graphic novel series as well as a bunch of various novels or borrowed them from other people. I thought to myself, wow, what a creative genius. And yeah, some of his stories were dark and weird and now people are pointing to these as proof that there was something wrong with Gaiman.

When MeToo started and all of these guys that we thought were wholesome were outed as sexual predators, I, like so many other Gaiman fans, was certain he'd never be one of those people. When he was writing about sexual abuse or other dark topics in his stories, it legitimately never occurred to me that he was a predator. After all, plenty of authors write about abuse (of different forms) in their books, but it doesn't mean they're abusers as well.

Me and my siblings and cousins watched the Cosby Show reruns when we were kids/teens so when the shit about Cosby being a rapist came out I was like oh, FFS. Then accusations came out against other guys like Kevin Spacey that I admired, etc etc, and it absolutely gave me some distress that men I laughed at (in a good way), men who presented themselves as wholesome turned out to be gross. And then there are some men that you're not surprised to hear shit about, like R. Kelly. You know there are predators out there but it's honestly distressing to see just how many there are.

And all this time, all these years since MeToo started, Neil Gaiman had stayed above it all. I will admit that at this time, I had not read any of his works for a while, I was consuming other authors so I actually had no idea of his irresponsible behavior during the COVID pandemic.

Perhaps I am naive, but it never occurred to me that Mr. Gaiman could be a predator. I thought the darkness in his work came from imagination, research, empathy, etc. A skilled author can tap into dark places and write about dark stuff without actually liking the abuses and atrocities they choose to depict in their work.

I have not read his entire library and haven't for a while since I'm always discovering new authors and shifting from focusing on one author to another, I found a couple of his works weak, but I found his overall body of work (that I read) to be solid and imaginative and his acclaim as an author is well-deserved. Like so many others, his works got me through some hard times in life.

It’s been months now since this first came out, and a few months or so since I read the article describing his abuses. I’ve heard different perspectives on this, including people complaining that they can’t enjoy his work because victims ruined it. (a similar thing I’ve heard about other artists outed as predators)

I have this to say… The victims didn't ruin the much-loved works of this artist or that author or actor or whatever. The perpetrators and offenders are the ones who ruined things. It is perfectly understandable to be upset about looking at the works/your collection of someone you admired and debating with yourself if you should throw it away, bemoaning the time you spent enjoying and consuming that person's media.

That’s not an easy thing to deal with and I understand the frustration and anger. But you know what really pisses me off? Despite various other people being outed as predators, I sincerely believed that Gaiman would never be one of them. No one is perfect but I figured whatever flaws Gaiman had wouldn’t be to the level that was revealed.

And if someone like Gaiman can be outed as a predator, if someone who was believed to be a sincerely good person, is capable of saying and doing all these gross and nasty things, it leaves me wondering about other people who are known or present themselves as a champion for feminism, human rights, children's rights, and so on. You want to believe the best of people involved in such noble causes, only to have ugly stuff come out about them, sometimes after their deaths, sometimes when they're still alive. And it's hard to not be cynical and misanthropic while contemplating that.

I mean, it's nothing new in the history of the world. People have been outed as monsters in the past and will be in the future, but it's just so sobering when the person being outed is someone you were so fucking certain would never be such a piece of shit. It leaves you wondering about other people you were confident about, leaving you feeling like you can't trust anyone, and also complicating your relationship/enjoyment with the media that they created.

Fucking hell.

[kathlare]

message recieved

Lando Norris x Amelie Dayman

Summary: After a long day of media duties, Lando is approached by Checo, who hands him Amelie’s accreditation pass. This unexpected encounter forces Lando to confront the lingering emotions tied to her departure from his life.

Wordcount: 1.1 k

Warnings: none

full masterlist // request over here!

December 10th, 2021 - Yas Island, Abu Dhabi

Lando exhaled as he stepped out of the McLaren hospitality, rolling his shoulders after a long day of media duties. The Abu Dhabi sun had already begun to dip below the horizon, painting the paddock in shades of gold and orange.

All he wanted to do was leave. Get back to the hotel, shower, and pretend that this day hadn’t drained the last bit of energy from him.

But just as he was about to head toward the exit, a familiar figure stepped into his path.

Checo.

Lando barely had time to react before the older driver was standing in front of him, arms crossed, an expression that was somewhere between indifference and mild irritation.

—What?— Lando asked flatly, not in the mood for whatever this was.

Checo didn’t say anything at first. Instead, he reached into his pocket and pulled something out. A small laminated card, the edges slightly bent, the name printed on it making Lando’s stomach twist.

Amelie Dayman.

Lando's jaw tightened.

—She asked me to give this back to you,— Checo said, his tone neutral, but there was an underlying edge to it. The same edge that had been there every time they were forced to interact.

Lando stared at the pass in Checo’s outstretched hand. He didn’t take it.

—You’re fucking joking,— Lando muttered, rubbing a hand over his face.

—Nope,— Checo said, shrugging like this was just another thing to check off his to-do list.

Lando let out a short, humorless laugh, shaking his head as he finally snatched the pass from Checo’s hand. He barely looked at it before shoving it into the pocket of his hoodie. He didn’t need to see her name printed there to know what it meant.

—She seriously made you do this?— Lando asked, looking at Checo like he was waiting for him to say it was a prank.

—She asked me weeks ago. I forgot,— Checo admitted, crossing his arms over his chest. —Figured I’d get it over with now.—

Lando scoffed. —Right. Because God forbid she still has anything remotely connected to me.��� His voice was sharp, dripping in bitterness.

Checo sighed, shaking his head. —I don’t know what you want me to say, Lando. She didn’t want it anymore. I’m just the messenger.—

—Yeah, well, tell her message received.—

Checo gave him a long look, something unreadable in his expression, before he finally nodded.

—You done?— Lando asked, his patience already hanging by a thread.

—Yeah,— Checo said simply.

Lando didn’t say anything else. He just turned and walked away, jaw clenched so tight it ached.

—Fucking great,— Lando muttered to himself as he walked towards the McLaren garage, the pass burning a hole in his pocket. He couldn't believe this. Of all the ways he'd imagined running into Amelie again, this was definitely not it. A goddamn hand-me-down pass, delivered by her brother-in-law, like some sort of forgotten package.

He knew, logically, that she didn't want anything to do with him anymore. He’d known that for a long time. Hell, he was the one who fucked things up. But this… this felt so final. So dismissive. Like she was actively trying to erase him from her life. And the worst part? A part of him, a stupid, hopeful part, still clung to the idea that maybe, just maybe, she missed him too.

He thought about their time together. Before everything went to shit. Before the arguments, the distance, the other girl. He remembered the late-night gaming sessions during the pandemic, their laughter echoing through the virtual world. He remembered the easy banter, the way they just clicked. He remembered… everything.

And now? Nothing. Just a fucking pass.

He wondered if she ever thought about him. If she ever looked across the hallway and wondered what he was doing. If she ever missed their… whatever it was. He knew he did. He missed her laugh, her quick wit, the way she could always make him smile, even when he was feeling down.

He stopped outside the McLaren garage, leaning against the wall, pulling the pass out of his pocket. He stared at her name, the letters blurring slightly. He should just throw it away. Get rid of it. Put it out of his mind.

But he couldn’t. He folded the pass carefully and tucked it back into his pocket. He knew he wouldn’t throw it away. He’d probably keep it forever, a small, painful reminder of what he’d lost.

—Lando, you alright?— His engineer’s voice broke through his thoughts.

He nodded, forcing a smile. —Yeah, just tired.—

He wasn’t tired. He was just… fucked up. And he knew, deep down, that this pass, this small, insignificant piece of plastic, had just reopened a wound he’d been trying to heal for months. And he had no idea how to close it again.

[dreamwreaver]

Maybe i was away from tumblr and fandoms as a whole for too long, but im honestly confused as to why people think that charlastor content=Charlie cheating on Vaggie? Wtf?

What, does this change the canon somehow? Do the characters themselves get offended lol? Im just so, so very confused... at what point did people took shipping so personally or dictated fan content must be faithful to canon??? This limits not only the fun but creativity as a whole!

Sorry for the rant, im just very confused because this is not the only fandom where ive seen this happening lately, smh.

Again, this is the result of normies discovering fandom during the pandemic and deciding to claim it without doing research into fandom etiquette.

Like, yes, antis and sticks in the mud have existed since fandom was solely analog, but they were a much smaller, much less annoying part of fandom. I do find it funny since one of the other problematic ships I'm into rn (ghostfang from spiderverse, look it up, get addicted with me) has a character who literally becomes the villain of the story due to his obsession with "maintaining the canon". I'm not kidding; they took on the entire concept of a person caring WAY too much about the canon and turned them into a bad guy.

As for charlastor meaning that Charlie cheated... I mean, some shippers like cheating subplots. Some people use it to vaggie bash because they really don't like her character. The problem is that they find one since fic or art and ascribe it to the ENTIRE group of shippers. (Side note, my condolences to the chaggiestor shippers because they arguably get it worse since they have to be like: am I a joke to you? All the time).

The funniest part of all of that is every single fucking charlastor fic I've read post show drop keeps vaggie and Charlie's dynamic EXACTLY THE SAME as it's depicted in the show. They're just explicitly NOT a couple either because they broke up or because they never dated to begin with. And look at that? Not a single thing about their characters is changed so it's almost like the relationship aspect of their whole relationship was an after thought when it came to the writing.

I could also go on about how vaggie doesn't pass the sexy lamp test for 95% of the season but that's a rant for another day. Or the rampant bi and acephobia. Actually the biphobia thing I'll include because it's topically relevant. One thing bi and pan people CONSTANTLY have to deal with in fandom and irl is the conflation that being attracted to multiple types of people means you are automatically going to fuck everyone; ESPECIALLY when it's a bisexual female character. Sluttiness is not a result of being bi, look at Angel dust for crying out loud! Or fucking... Blitz! Look at blitz! Blitz fucks anyone that's open for it for most of the season and no one says a goddamn word about him being a slut. Or moxxie. Moxxie's bi and he doesn't immediately jump back into bed with his ex even when everyone around him's pushing him to. But even if he DID I'm sure no one would cry that he's cheating on his wife about it. At the very least nowhere to the extent that Charlie would get heat for it.

And the notion that Charlie the bisexual in the relationship would do the cheating is rooted in that same biphobia and misogyny that affects most of how the rest of the fandom characterizes her since somehow she's just a naive uwu baby who can't think for herself and needs vaggie there to "protect" her or else she'll sell her soul to the first sinner that asks for it.

Please understand that if I roll my eyes any harder they will physically pop out of my head.

I personally don't like how a lot of non charlastor shippers tend to write Charlie anyways. I'm very particular about her characterization so I know by and large the safest bet to not see her totally Mary-sue'd is to read fics by my fellow shippers. And yeah, the cheating thing is a major no no for me except in the VERY specific instance of Charlie finding herself attracted to Alastor and doing everything in her power not to let it make her realize that her relationship with vaggie is over. She never actually cheats on vaggie, physically or emotionally, but the more she tries to fight the fact that she's growing attracted to someone else the more she has to take stock of herself and realize what's going wrong in her current relationship that that's happening. And again, it's like... maybe 3 total fics in all of the charlastor ones that tackle that. And that's fine! It's not something that should be on offer all the time. Essentially the cheating concept is something I only like if it's used for character studies and development is what I'm trying to say.

[film-in-my-soul]

Promises to Keep | 275 | schweet_heart / @schweetheart

Summary: Merlin is about to leave on a business trip, but there's one last thing he has to do before he goes.

Duration | 500 | schweet_heart / @schweetheart

Summary: Everything ached, especially his head where it had collided with a concrete wall, but he was alive and Agravaine was dead, and the need to make sure Merlin was okay was all that had been keeping him going these past three months.

odds are | 515 | schweet_heart / @schweetheart

Summary: He’s crazy. It’s half past two in the morning and Merlin has officially lost whatever's left of his goddamn mind, but Arthur’s mouth has always been his weakness, hasn’t it, especially when downturned, and Arthur had said, “I wish,” the way that only Arthur could—“I wish I could just find one fucking person who loved me”—and Merlin had thought, I’m right here. Had said, “I’m right here,” maybe, mumbling it into the top of his bottle, the fourth of the evening, and then regretted every decision he had ever made which had led him to this point.

A Promise | 662 | riventhorn

Summary: “I’m here now,” he said, going to stand by Merlin and wrapping his hands around Merlin’s trembling fingers. “I’m here now, Merlin.”

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Summary: "I didn't do it for you." “Of course not,” Merlin agreed mildly. “You just happened to challenge him to a duel a few seconds after he hit me. Obviously a total coincidence.”

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Summary: To the best of Merlin's knowledge, King Uther had never struck his son, but then, he had never needed to — Arthur had always taken his father's disappointment as grounds for thorough self-flagellation, and he did a far better job of excoriating himself than the king could ever do.

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Summary: 'Did you think I wouldn't notice?' Arthur looked over his shoulder, a wry smile caught on his lips. 'All the things you've done for me, right from the start?' Merlin sees what no one else does: that Arthur Pendragon doesn't need a good servant. He needs a friend who sees not the crown and the power, but the man beneath it all. A man he loves, and who might just love him in turn.

Burn and Shine | 2,485 | lady_ragnell / @theladyragnell

Summary: Arthur pretends to be Merlin's boyfriend for a night, and they both learn far more than they bargained for.

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Summary: 'Magic changes.' The words sounded a little slurred on his tongue. Merlin remembered the taste of apples. 'Like the seasons, it changes. So do I.' When Arthur helps Merlin, intoxicated by his changing magic, he realises the truth neither of them have ever dared to put into words.

Wrong Number | 2,771 | schweet_heart / @schweetheart

Summary: "I promise I will not assume that one successful coffee date means we’re soulmates meant to be together forever.” In which Morgana gets a few things wrong, but Merlin and Arthur get something right. Mostly.

Map Our Escape | 3,017 | lady_ragnell / @theladyragnell

Summary: Arthur feels tied down and unhappy with his life, so he throws a dart at a map--and ends up in Ealdor.

Damsel in a Phone Booth | 3,053 | Blackwidina

Summary: I was on Tumbler and found this AU prompt: “it’s the middle of the night and i’m walking home alone in the dark and there’s this guy following me and he’s starting to gain on me and i found this phone booth with a lock on the door and i tried to call my best friend but my hands were shaking so badly i accidentally dialed the wrong number and i don’t even know you but help me” au

You're My Passport Home (a Keep the Light On Remix) | 3,442 | ingberry / @ingberry

Summary: Merlin Emrys: love of his life, probably.

The Elephant Jumper | 3,701 | helloearthlings

Summary: "My mum and I had a tradition that whenever one of us was upset or had a bad day, we’d put on the Elephant Jumper and the other had to be nice to them all day and get them whatever they wanted. We would have to ask if we wanted to talk. If the answer was yes, we’d talk. If the answer was no, we’d have to leave them alone for the rest of the night. It was how we bonded. One of the best parts of my childhood.” “So if I put the jumper on,” Arthur said hesitantly after a moment, a smile growing on his face, “you’d have to be nice to me?”

Don't Go Breaking My Heart | 3,800 | lady_ragnell / @theladyragnell

Summary: Arthur sucks at relationships and Merlin is sick of it.

the course of true love (never did run smooth) | 4,054 | schweet_heart / @schweetheart

Summary: Three times Merlin found and foiled a love charm, and one time he didn't need to.

Something Dumb to Do | 4,595 | lady_ragnell / @theladyragnell

Summary: The cardinal rule of being a wedding planner is not falling in love with the bride or groom. Arthur's never had trouble with that rule.

Limerence | 5,352 | BeautifulFiction / @the-pen-pot

Summary: 'The potion in question was, as far as I can tell, of suitable strength to do its job. Merlin's power would have offered him no defence. There is, of course, one universal antidote against any magics that meddle in matters of the heart...' 'Which is?' Arthur demanded, raising his eyebrows. Gaius sighed, casting a tired, apologetic look in Merlin's direction. 'If the target of a love spell is already truly, deeply devoted to someone – if they love another without question or pause – then no spell can take hold.' 'You're saying that it didn't work because Merlin already loves someone?' The words felt thin between his lips, straining to get past the sudden, leaden feeling in his chest. It felt like someone had plunged their hand inside him and caught his heart in the cage of their fist, and Arthur was left breathless as he tried to speak around the awful sensation.

I Need An Adultier Adult to Successfully Adult | 5,406 | Pendragons Dragonlord (PseudoAuthor) / @pseudoauthor1

Summary: The second time he encountered the chemistry teacher AKA Arthur Pendragon, AKA Pratface, AKA Sexy Dude in a Lab Coat, it was because his students were yelling right outside of his class room. Also he's been avoiding Arthur ever since he came back six weeks into term, because well…reasons.

The One Where Arthur Sells Tongue Cuz Being Rich is Hard Life | 5,420 | derryere

Summary: Arthur sells make-out lessons at a boarding school.

Sort of a Tourniquet | 6,231 | Thursday_Next

Summary: Arthur gives Merlin a plastic ring as a joke. But what nobody knows is how much Merlin really likes wearing it. Modern AU with lots of pining.

The Wild Hunt | 6,471 | BeautifulFiction / @the-pen-pot

Summary: 'The Wild Hunt.' 'What?' 'The Wild Hunt are coming.' His voice sounded strange, both Merlin's and not, as if something far older spoke through his lips. The words carried, seeming to drift through the mist, and Arthur saw Gwaine get to his feet, hurrying around the bed-rolls to rouse everyone. 'That's a myth,' Arthur said, trying to ignore the way his heart tripped into a faster beat and his fingers felt fat with panic. 'A story to scare people from wandering too far into the woods at night.' Slowly, Merlin shook his head, seeming to blink back to himself as he struggled free of his bed-roll. 'No, it's not, and tonight, they ride.'

The Boy Next Door | 6,718 | lady_ragnell / @theladyragnell

Summary: In which there is pining, Merlin bakes, Arthur borrows batteries he doesn't actually need, and did I mention the pining?

Made of Dreams and Bones | 7,476 | lady_ragnell / @theladyragnell

Summary: Arthur would have starved that first winter, if it weren’t for Hunith and her son.

Uncharted | 7,836 | BeautifulFiction / @the-pen-pot

Summary: Uther believed in power, gold and riches. Arthur believed in his people, his kingdom, and the idea that good men could make life better for everyone, not just the individual who sat upon the throne. Merlin shows Arthur that magic can save his kingdom in many ways, and Arthur comes to see how there are few in the world who love Camelot and its people as much as he does, except perhaps for the man at his side. Yet will either of them speak of the love that blooms between them, or will they hold their silence?

here is a brighter garden | 9,728 | ingberry / @ingberry

Summary: Arthur's favourite street in his new neighbourhood had these lovely little gardens. Lush, impossibly green and touched by magic. Wanting some of their magic for himself also led Arthur to the man who crafted them.

Isn't It Lovely How Artists Can Capture Us? | 10,762 | lady_ragnell / @theladyragnell

Summary: Arthur buys a painting at Gaius's antique shop, only to find that the subject is a wizard who's been trapped for over a century.

The Hardest Way Possible | 12,491 | lady_ragnell / @theladyragnell

Summary: Merlin's addicted to Craigslist, Arthur's looking for love in all the wrong places, and with a little help from their friends, they manage to get it together.

License to Thrill | 14,174 | lady_ragnell / @theladyragnell

Summary: Merlin's employees bet him the recipe for the most addictive cocoa in the world that he can't find out what the hot blond who comes into his chocolate shop does for a living within the month. He ends up getting far more than he bargained for.

The Gate of Memory | 14,494 | Destina

Summary: Merlin forgets to remember, until the time comes to remember once again.

Deliquesce | 14,612 | BeautifulFiction / @the-pen-pot

Summary: The creatures stepped forward, long, narrow muzzles agape. The sun did not deter them, merely setting their subtle scales agleam. Thick saliva dripped from their jaws, smattering on the ground, yet they did not lunge forward to strike. Instead, they waited, their gaze unblinking as they stared. At first, Arthur thought they watched the knights, but when he shifted his stance, their eyes did not follow him, Instead, it was someone behind him who held them captivated. Merlin.

As Long As We Have We | 17,517 | lady_ragnell / @theladyragnell

Summary: Arthur thinks he's going to have to spend Christmas alone--at least until he somehow acquires a whole house full of strays.

But It's a Good Refrain | 23,090 | lady_ragnell / @theladyragnell

Summary: Arthur doesn't care much about the popular radio program Dragon's Lonely Hearts until his ex-girlfriend calls in to slag him off and get advice. When he calls in and has an on-air argument with the host, it starts off more than he expected, including meddling friends, overinvolved fans, and maybe love.

Would You Be Mine, Could You Be Mine | 23,456 | lady_ragnell / @theladyragnell

Summary: Merlin does not want to invite the Prime Minister's son onto his show, even if he is an environmental scientist. Arthur does not want to admit that he has a crush on the star of Merlin's Castle, the most popular children's show in the nation. In which Merlin is Mr. Rogers, there is a bouquet of finger puppets, Freya and Gwaine hooked up years ago and neither of them wants to talk about it, and eventually everything turns out okay.

The Path Of A Pendragon | 32,828 | BeautifulFiction / @the-pen-pot

Summary: 'Magic will love you,' she whispered, pressing both palms to where Arthur lay curled inside her, almost ready, but not quite. 'With all its heart and of its own free mind, magic will love you, and you will love it in turn.' When Arthur finds out about Merlin's magic on a hunting trip gone wrong, it feels as if his world has been turned upside down. Yet a mother's love is a powerful thing, and her blessing even more so. Will Ygraine's little gift be enough to help him see that he truly cannot hate half of that which makes him whole?

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[pastafossa]

Happy Birthday and a merry 6 years to TRT! 🎂 🎁 🎈 🎉 🍰

🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯

Some FUN TRIVIA FACTS:

TRT's sun sign is VIRGO and its moon sign is LEO!

After 6 years, its current wordcount is 932k words. If you put that in size 12 arial font, single-spaced, this would come to about 2000 pages, and even more if the pages were the usual mass market paperback size!

TRT is now 40 in cat years!

The Man in the White Coat is my tribute to the Mad Scientist trope common in scifi, which is one of my favorite genres!

It is old enough developmentally to tie its shoes! Keep going, TRT!

Ciro is partially inspired by John Marcone from The Dresden Files!

TRT shares a birthday with literary great Agatha Christie! Maybe I'll introduce poison-based murder into the fic in her honor...

The idea of seeing threads came to me after seeing a meme about red threads tying soul mates together. Everything that came after - the other threads, the thread world, how it works, is unique to TRT!

TRT is now longer than War and Peace, and Crime and Punishment combined! So if you've read all of TRT so far, then you have the perfect middle finger to anyone who tries to say you can't focus on longer stories!

The inciting penguin documentary that Foggy drunkenly watched (which led to him declaring Matt and Jane 'penguins') was about Adelie penguins specifically!

Jane has a leather jacket because I love leather jackets and think all badass characters should have a leather jacket! And so you should you! EVERYONE DESERVES A COOL LEATHER JACKET.

The long hiatus between Chapter 4 and Chapter 5 was because I had life things pop up. During that hiatus, I realized the plotline/ending needed some work, so I spent those two years outlining, and I also wound up doing a bunch of additional novel writing classes just because I wanted to learn. A lot of this wound up influencing TRT!

The grey threads are one of the only threads that no one has solved yet!

There are absolutely some bad people working for Cyrus James. There is also a guy named Kyle. He is there not for Evil Purposes (tm) but instead because this was the only place he could work that would allow him to pay off his student loans.

When I started TRT, I thought maybe 5 people total would read it. I was told five people total would read it by some shitty people. So I wrote it expecting five total people would read it, and told myself at least I'd enjoy it, and I could use it to learn. In other words: I had ZERO idea TRT would take off like this. None. Nada. Zip. AND LOOK AT US NOW, BABY. FUCK THE HATERS, 6 YEARS AND GOIN' STRONG.

Based on my outline, we're a bit over halfway to the end!

I hope you enjoyed these TRT funfacts. And I hope you know: this fic isn't just me. It's you, too. This fic has become so much larger than just me. It's the TRT playlist you've sent songs in for that keeps me inspired when writing. It's the fanart I look at to give me a boost. It's your sweet comments and likes and kudos and messages that encourage me when I'm sick or depressed. It's the people who've made friends over this fic, or who've been inspired to write fic themselves, adding beautiful works to the community that we all use to keep going. It's all of this love for both TRT and Matt, and I'm so happy that I've been able to contribute in at least a small way in keeping Charlie!Daredevil love alive even after the show's been gone for years now. I love you all so, so goddamn much. I love this fandom. I love TRT with all my heart. Thank you so much for being a part of these past six years through cancelations, through your high school and college years and beyond, through my ups and downs of moving and sickness and fiberglass and pandemic craziness, through late night chapter drops and wild twists and turns.

And I hope the next few years as we enter the second half of this story are just as amazing!

[mizuki-nikki]

my top 5 favorite anime of all time ✨

i’ve been watching anime for as long as i can remember, and honestly, some of them have played a huge role in shaping the person i am today. so today, i’m diving into something close to my heart—an essay all about my favorite anime of all time!

1. K

some people might be surprised by my number one anime of all time. k series (k project, k missing kings, k return of kings, k seven stories) is hands down the most emotional anime i’ve ever watched. i first saw it back in 2012 on animax and goddamn, it hit me right in the heart. the animation was peak for its time, and the characters? so well written, so full of depth.

i get that it’s not for everyone—yeah, the plot can be a bit heavy and confusing—but that’s part of what makes it special to me. i looooove this anime. even more than ten years later, every time i rewatch it, i still feel all those same emotions. it’s not just nostalgia—it’s timeless.

(favorite character: fushimi saruhiko)

2. blue lock

i genuinely think this might be the best sports anime of the new generation. i started reading the manga during the pandemic, right after attack on titan dropped its final chapter. the author recommended it, and i thought—why not? and wow, it instantly became a new obsession.

it’s got everything i love—intense sports action, a cast full of pretty boys, and that wild battle royale twist? say less, i was all in. it has unique and fresh premise that we didn't see that often from other sports manga (being the ultimate egoist and screw teamwork? omg) when the anime started gaining traction and getting the recognition it deserves, i couldn’t stop smiling. like, finally. people see it.

i can’t wait to see where the story goes from here. and honestly? i just hope i’m around long enough to watch the endings of all the anime that shaped me

(favorite characters: itoshi sae, itoshi rin)

3. haikyuu

when we’re talking about sports anime, there’s no way we can skip haikyuu. i actually watched haikyuu before blue lock (and it is actually the total opposite of blue lock) and i’ve gotta say—it hit me hard. the way it mixes teamwork, passion, and pure determination? it’s something else.

what starts as just a volleyball match somehow turns into this emotional rollercoaster that keeps you hooked every single episode. haikyuu showed me that with hard work and trust in your team, you can rise above anything.

no doubt, this is one of the top anime of my life. if you haven’t seen it yet, seriously—go watch it. it’s a must.

(favorite character: oikawa tooru)

4. naruto

and of courseeee, i cannot forget the ultimate anime that shaped my childhood—naruto! i started watching it when i was super young, probably around 8, and even back then i was already following the manga. no question, this is one of the greatest masterpieces ever made.

yeah, it’s long. yeah, not everything’s perfect. but it holds such a special place in my heart. the journey, the growth, the bonds—everything just hits. watching naruto grow from a loud, stubborn genin to the hokage? it’s honestly so inspiring. and not to mention that sasuke is honestly my first ever fictional character that i loveeee.

definitely the best old anime of all time in my books. nothing else hits quite the same.

(favorite characters: uchiha sasuke, uchiha itachi)

5. classroom of the elite

i watched season 1 out of curiosity and it hooked me hard from the very first episode. the whole school survival vibe? absolutely my thing.

i still remember finishing season 1 and just sitting there, yep, this is going to be my new favorite anime. it had the perfect mix of suspense with excitement that made it impossible to stop watching.

[wundergeek]

Honestly, it is absolutely wild the level of absolutely no health care that trans people, and especially trans mascs have to suffer through.

What do I mean by this? Glad you asked.

* When I came out as trans at the start of the pandemic, I went to my doctor and asked for a referral for help. She responded by saying she didn't know what trans meant. Then did not offer to learn or educate herself in any way. I ended up paying $9000 out of pocket for my top surgery because public funding required a referral from a GP, and there was no way to get a new doctor in 2020.

* I have educated multiple DOCTORS about non-binary pronouns. Ditto with therapists

* Trans masc and experiencing perimenopause? Have fun never getting any medical care about literally debilitating symptoms. I didn't realize I'd had brain fog for TWO AND A HALF YEARS until T made it go away.

* Related: I have a fibroid apparently and it took like a year to get a referral to a trans inclusive gyno - who is 40 minutes away by car - who I don't see for another two weeks.

* Also, none of the T side effects I'm having problems with were things I was warned about. Instead it was all "this will impact your fertility" (good!), and lots of vague euphemisms like "bottom growth", which didn't in any way prepare me for the three days I spent sitting on ice packs when bottom growth started. A warning about 7/10 nerve pain would have been nice.

* Similarly, no one told me that "bottom growth" not only includes clitoral enlargement, but also the vulva becomes more scrotum-like. Which. Great! I have bottom dysphoria, so that's helpful. But again, 7/10 nerve pain accompanied by "holy shit why does my junk look so different all of a sudden????" is something I would have appreciated knowing to expect.

* The two pages of drug information I was given with my first vial of T didn't even MENTION THE EXISTENCE of trans masc people. Not even ONCE.

* I've been training kung fu really intensely for several years and have put on approximately 10 pounds of muscle in 8 weeks, which is causing ALL KINDS OF PROBLEMS. Iron deficiency. B12 deficiency. It's been awful. But T is "supposed" to make your iron go up, so I'm having to do a lot of tests and run around to prove to my doctor that the problem is that I accidentally got jacked too quickly so she'll let me have some goddamn B12 injections, and in the mean time I'll have to put up with fatigue and excruciating muscle cramps during my kung Fu classes for at least another three weeks.

* Even just figuring out where to get my goddamn injection supplies has been a fucking saga. The pharmacy that initially filled the prescription was like "get supplies from [local nonprofit that supports AIDS and injection drug users]". Helping trans mascs the pharmacy is too lazy to help is NOT their mission, but they kindly gave me some supplies after I drove across town to see them. Then my regular pharmacy gave me a sharps container (the first pharmacy just fucking sent me home with some needles and didn't say anything about disposal!!!), so I figured I could get some there, but this morning they were like "we don't stock those, call around I guess idk". I had to call my doctor, then go back to the first pharmacy, and buy five weeks for way too much money while I order supplies online.

(Realistically I should have just done that first, but I've never had to do injections and idk just foolishly thought that pharmacies would serve that need? Stupid, I know.)

So yeah. Honestly I'm just so fucking done with this fucking ignorance. It takes EFFORT to be this clueless about how to provide basic fucking health care in 2024, so why can't the majority of care providers clear a bar that is already on the fucking floor???

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i lied about my family having covid?

so i (ftm20s) work in retail and live with my parents. i have been wearing my mask since the start of the pandemic and never stopped wearing it. for the record i am not immunocompromised or at higher risk for covid, in fact i have still yet to get it (knock on wood...), and i live in an area that up until recently wasn't so high risk anymore. i just knew regardless of all that, it was safer to mask up, so i just kept doing it.

anyways, i work retail, and have been wearing my mask for A While, and i live in an area that is fairly liberal but definitely has an extreme conservative underbelly. i have been harassed for many aspects of my identity here, and mostly i can just brush it off or rage about it in private and then move on, but what consistently pisses me off are the customers who bitch at me for wearing a mask.

it starts off one of two ways: "are they forcing you to wear that again?" or "SORRY 😇😇 i can't HEAR YOU 😇😇 over your STUPID FUCKING MASK 😇😇😇" (both of which i have received verbatim multiple times!) and always ends the same: with me saying "well, it's a personal choice!" and then, if they were complaining about not being able to hear me, i refuse to speak any more than strictly necessary during the transaction, and if i do need to speak, i announce it in my most projecting voice, as loudly as possible before it can be qualified as a "yell". if they continue to be pissed about that, i resort to writing my questions/responses down on a piece of paper.

at my job i am the best we have at customer service, and anyone who isn't acting like a fucking tool the entire time (and even people who do act like fucking tools but at least don't bother me about the goddamn mask) gets my absolute best effort. i enjoy it! i like helping people!

but it can get tiring to do this song and dance every single day! and while i have not gotten covid (yet, knock on wood), both of my parents have gotten in twice. so it's not technically a lie to say "sorry, my family has had covid and i am masking to keep everyone else safe," right?? not sure if this would even get them to shut up, but it's worth a try (unless i am an asshole for doing this LOL)

What are these acronyms?

[snowdropheart]

I can't stop listening to Made in the A.M. An album about such a different goodbye, one that was bittersweet but wide-open. Today was the future back in 2015--an ever-shifting, ever-changing thing. Now all those years in between then and now are the past, and I just can't comprehend it. Is it fate? Is it chance? I can't decide which one hurts more.

I remember on my thirteenth birthday I got an iPod touch and the very first song I bought on iTunes was What Makes You Beautiful. I remember dancing in my room, making up my own words to One Thing. I remember sneaking a rented copy of This Is Us into my parents' basement and watching it with my friend.

I remember countless conversations with my friend during the pandemic about how we just wanted the best for Liam, how we were in his corner. I remember how angry we were when the whole internet decided to cyber-bully him for being a little bit cringe and out of it on Logan Paul's stupid podcast. I remember laughing at how funny it was when she dressed up as Liam for Halloween.

I don't know. It's so strange. I didn't know Liam. If I did, I'm certain we wouldn't've had anything in common or even gotten along. But he was a human being who was just a kid. During all of it. To die so brutally, to die in the throes of struggle, it's just awful. There's no closure; there are only what-ifs and grief.

I keep coming back to my favourite One Direction song, A.M. Not only did they finally get to swear (!), it perfectly captures the melancholy of the knowledge that those boring and beautiful moments with friends are ephemeral: "Won't you stay till the a.m.? / All my favourite conversations always made in the a.m. / 'Cause we don't know what we're saying / We're just swimming round in our glasses / And talking out of our asses / Like we're all gonna make it."

It's the 'like' that gets me. Like we're all gonna make it. It's not a certainty. Because the future is unknowable. (Is it fate? Is it chance?) All I know is that it hurts, and that I wish I could extend my arms and embrace everyone in this whole goddamned world so things like this never happen again.

I hope Liam is resting in peace. I hope his family and friends and loved ones are okay. I hope Maya Henry is okay, god do I hope she's okay. And I hope everyone like me, who didn't know him, but also did, finds comfort amid this strange, heavy grief. Tell your friends you love them. Hug your mother. Life is short, but love is measureless.

[thedawningofthehour]

Joe Biden resigned as a candiate and I found out from a tumblr meme :(

Your fic makes me so happy in these times

Like I didn't want Biden to run for reelection but I hate this. The time for him to drop out was six months ago. Or he could have fucking resigned a year ago and let Harris run as the incumbent-for real, I half expected Joe to get reelected and then resign the second day, fuck off into the sunset with his dogs and cat and send us tiktoks of him sipping pina coladas on the beach. The only reason I can think of for him to be doing this is that he's about to do a bunch of shit that would tank his chances for reelection, like packing the Supreme Court or declaring a national ice cream day. Actually, no, we already have a national ice cream day, and it's...today, actually. Biden literally ended his reelection bid on National Ice Cream Day. Huh.

Anyway. I would definitely prefer for the first female president to be elected in, but clearly America isn't ready for a female president. 2016 showed us that the most qualified woman still can't beat the most unqualified man. And before you start yelling that Clinton wasn't the most qualified woman-she was practically president already. Bill Clinton's presidency is viewed very favorably, the 90s were great in the US. Hillary has always been the brains of their duo, Bill was the face-look at Hillary during any of her speeches, she is not a natural public speaker and is very uncomfortable up there. But she weathers it, she practices, and she fucking knows her stuff. In an alternate universe we're finishing up Hillary's second term. We have a liberal majority in the Supreme Court and still have RvW. RBG retired and lived the last few years of her life like the queen she was. Four people died of covid. Trump put out a book and spent some time touring conservative news outlets to whine about how oppressed he is, but he's returned to 'washed-out loser everyone ridicules' status. And we don't have that because liberals would rather sit on their hands and wait for a unicorn to come along than vote for an imperfect candidate.

"Well she's corrupt-" THEY'RE ALL CORRUPT. ANY POLITICIAN WHO MAKES IT THAT FAR IN AMERICAN POLITICS COULD HAVE ONLY GOTTEN THERE BY BEING CORRUPT. THE ONLY EXCEPTIONS ARE BERNIE AND AOC AND AOC WILL ABSOLUTELY BE SHOT WHEN SHE INEVITABLY RUNS FOR PRESIDENT. EVERYONE LEFT OF THEM HAS BEEN MURDERED BY THE CIA.

Like, for fuck's sake, yes Hillary was out for herself. She would have still ended up being a solid president, because she's fucking smart and knows that would serve her.

The whole thing with covid, it handed Trump every advantage. National crises are election gold for the incumbent, provided they don't completely fuck it. The only reason Bush won in 2004 (which was the only time a Republican won the popular vote in the last 30-some years, I might add) was because he was in office when 9/11 happened. Three years later, despite Bush still fucking up quite a bit in his response, he still benefited from being the guy who 'brought our country together' and people voted for him as an emotional response. The same would have happened in 2020. And Trump literally had it set up for him. Like, there were already plans in place to handle a pandemic, he had experts swarming in ready to take the reins and deal with this for him. Literally all he had to do was wear a mask and say "listen to my man Fauci, he knows what he's talking about." He would have gotten credit for dealing with covid. He would have gotten reelected. Even the most selfish, corrupt version of Clinton that exists in people's minds would have done that, because it would have been in her best interest.

He couldn't fucking do that. He couldn't shut his goddamn mouth, he couldn't stand to have it not be about him for five minutes. He couldn't wear a mask like a fucking adult. So many people died because he was acting like a literal toddler. And in doing so he destroyed his bid for reelection.

And now we're back here again.

I comfort myself with the knowledge that he's never won the popular vote. That he's killed much of his own base with covid. That he's old, that he has to die at some point. That the Antichrist prophecy explicitly states that the Antichrist will only be in power for three and a half years, that he'll fail at every attempt to wrestle power back. (you guys should look up the parallels from Trump to the Antichrist prophecy if you haven't already, like I'm not religious but it's actually really freaky how accurate it is) But I just...I can't do this again. I was so hoping he'd just be dead by now.

For everyone in the US who will be old enough/eligible to vote in November: for fuck's sake, VOTE. Check your state's registration laws, double and triple-check that you're registered. Vote. Vote blue. It doesn't fucking matter who the candidate is, if Trump gets back in you will never have the opportunity to vote again. People will die. And I will be fucking off to Canada or Europe. I know they got their own problems, but Jesus Christ.

And wherever you live-and this is the only time I will ever fucking say this-I would consider buying a gun if you feel comfortable doing that. I hate guns, I think the 'home defense' argument is fucking stupid, but this isn't a normal situation. No matter what the outcome of this election is, Trump's cult is going to get violent. They're cowards and will go for people they think aren't a threat. I'm not even advocating for shooting anyone, just make it look like you and your neighborhood aren't worth it. This shit's going to get a lot worse before it gets better, and we're at the point I legitimately wonder if it's ever going to get better.

[lavoixhumaine]

Before anything else—I don’t know if you will see this but I want to thank everyone who left the kindest and most supportive messages and replies. Thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart.

To @rainedamodred and @bestbuddybobby — I wouldn’t have made it through without you both.

Now…

I’ve been contemplating what to write here for the last twelve hours.

When I say the past two weeks have been the most difficult in my entire life, that is not an exaggeration. It’s been…hell, honestly.

My husband was diagnosed with an arrhythmia over two years ago. Didn’t sound good but it wasn’t uncommon, but he was a special case, as we were told because on top of being unnaturally tall for our people, he apparently also had an unnaturally large heart…literally. We were presented with options that we were told we could delay due to the pandemic and our concerns regarding safety in authorizing a rather complicated operation during what felt like a perilous time…

The pandemic didn’t really end but it eased. We went in for a checkup. They said it was okay so far as long as he wasn’t feeling any different. He said he was fine. I believed him.

So we thought we had time. We thought this year we could get back on track after the hellacious last couple of years. Get back to what passed for normal, start traveling again, see old friends, revisit our favorite places, hit up our old haunts…

We scheduled him for surgery the beginning of next year…but I suppose fate had other plans.

My husband flatlined twice in the last couple of weeks. He was brought back both times but not without cost. They tried different medications. There were heavy discussions on what options were available. The idea of a heart transplant was offered but waiting for a new heart meant…well, you have some idea, yes? There was no way he could travel for treatment. His heart was going insane…hitting over 200 beats per minute, erratically bouncing from 90 to 145 in a blink…it was a mess.

I coped by not coping…I ended up breaking so many things in our home…a table, a glass wall and whatever I could get my hands on. The floors looked like they were littered with glittering diamonds by the time I was through…so much glass everywhere. It was the only way I could pull myself back together and return to the hospital without falling apart and screaming at someone.

And the goddamn crying…it came and went and I kept waiting to run out of tears but I never did.

I had my mothers and aunts calling from all over in different timezones and at first, I answered but then I would cry more because they cared and they kept offering…kindness and comfort. They wanted to come and be there but I couldn’t imagine keeping up a facade to yet another group of people when I’m busy trying not to fall apart and be The Wife.

And listening to them trying to give me comfort…somehow that was enough to trigger disgusting crying jags that helped nobody and just made a mess out of me. I stopped taking calls. I couldn’t keep my shit together when I kept falling apart at the sound of a caring voice.

For the first time in almost ten years, I was alone. In all the time I’ve been with my husband, I have never been alone…that broke something inside me.

He’s the calm voice, he’s the adult in the room, he makes the decisions, he is the one person that can talk me down from whatever insane cliff I’ve driven myself to…and suddenly, there was just silence.

It reached a point where I was the only one left to make decisions because he couldn’t anymore…his doctors all agreed the best option was to perform a cardiac ablation and implant a device that would be connected to his heart—a defibrillator with a pacemaker backing.

At that point, I was too exhausted mentally, emotionally and psychologically…I said yes to whatever they felt was best. They let me pick and choose off a menu which piece of technology to put next to his heart like I was in an Apple launch event. It was all so…fucking surreal.

Wasn’t it only a few days ago we were celebrating his birthday? He’s only fucking forty-one.

Between the harsh reality that I might lose my husband and the unrelenting conflicts that kept intruding upon an already terrible situation by way of his family…I was barely keeping myself together. I couldn’t even go home anymore and break things…I was that close to breaking things in the hospital but then how would that look if word got out?

I was too scared to go home…too scared I’ll leave and he would slip away.

It’s just the kind of thing he would do…leave without telling because he thinks that would hurt me less. Fuck, sometimes he’s also a dumbass but he is my dumbass, okay?

After I was able to make a decision that would alter his life while hopefully saving it…within twenty-four hours, the device was flown in as well as the specialist that would perform the surgery. Almost two weeks of agony and suddenly, an OR was booked, the doctors were lining up and introducing themselves, discussing their roles in the operation, explaining how it was all going to go down, the technician was making a presentation on how the device would save him on a daily basis while I was too punch drunk to process the information, the anesthesiologist was talking about how they expected things to go, critical care was throwing in his two cents, the cardiologist was trying to reassure me that he would be okay within twenty-four hours after the procedure and he will be able to go home just like that…

It happened so fast, it left my head spinning.

He’s home now. It’s not a fun experience and recovery will take time, but he’s alive and that’s really all that fucking matters.

Right now, I’m dealing with residual bullshit with his family…his sister who is a neurotic passive aggressive piece of work and his mother who seems to have no problem showing him how much she hates him right now…his father continues to be the kindest of them.

I loved and adored these people last month.

One of my aunts said I should not stew in my anger and hold resentment in my heart…that I should give all my negative feelings to God and ask Him to help me continue to love and honor them as I have been doing from the beginning. Ask God to help me keep my love for them so I will not be clouded and remember they are my family…

I told her to call me again next week and try again.

Right now, I just want to get my house back in order and help my husband with his recovery. Get our lives back to where it should be. Find some kind of normal that works for this new us.

I’m trying to channel my rage into more useful outlets outside of that and do something good because that seems like a much better idea than giving in to the urge to commit arson. I am trying so hard not to acknowledge the rage that I am not quite ready to let go of…

I stopped breaking things—I think I’m on the right track.

I keep reminding myself…

He’s alive. He’s not dead. He’s here. He’s breathing. He’s alive. He’s speaking. He’s right here. He’s alive. He’s here. He’s right here.

He’s alive.

And the silence has gone.

[et-cant-phone-home-no-signal]

The Last of Us HBO - Episode 3 thoughts

Warning: Pure yapping ahead again! You know the drill, it's my thoughts, things I've noticed and things I've enjoyed watching the show. It's not that serious, and I don't invite arguments (fellow yappers however are heartily welcome)

(and we're back with another episode analysis! this is a fucking long one folks, they seem to keep getting more and more. i had a lot of feelings watching this episode, especially as a young queer person, it's very special to me and i'm very pleased with the way it was written and performed. A* performance all around imo. as usual, spoilers below the cut)

Could write a whole ass essay on Joel's hands but I'll keep it simple - hands that break bone and kill men are also capable of softness and grief, capable of destruction as well as creation. This opening moment is so poignant and beautiful, god bless - Tess deserves more than a cairn but that's all Joel can do, so he does it - this is Joel saying "I'm sorry, you should still be here and it's my fault"

The gentle music

I've noticed that Joel is very snatchy, he snatches and grabs things often (throwback to me noticing he's a twitchy man in the episode 2 thoughts)

Ellie having Joel's jacket over her legs to keep her warm :')

The way he grabs one tiny bit of jerky, then throws the rest to Ellie, fuck

Ooooh Ellie confrontating Joel with the "look this wasn't my fault", I like it tbh, she's right and he had to hear that cause he's the kind of person to hold a grudge and also blame himself at the same time

First mention of Joel's head scar let's go, planting the question that won't be answered properly for some time ("Someone shot at me and missed." ... "No, I missed too." 🤌🙌)

"You ask a lot of goddamned questions." "Yes, I do 🌸✨"

The return of - "Is there anything bad in here?" "Just you." "Ah. Getting funnier."

Joel's quiet "fuck" cause he can't remember where he stashed his shit is so real, he's so me

Love the little moment of her excitement at finding a pack of unopened tampons - teenage girls in the apocalypse gotta do what they gotta do

I so wonder what's going on in her head during this scene

Totally awesome makeup and prosthetics

Ellie, my darling, you're channeling child psychopath right now (but also I too feel curious as fuck and seeing the fucking growth under the skin being purely cordyceps is so gross and awesome)

Can now come up with a few ideas of what was going on in her head when she stabs it

The concern in Joel's voice, the nonchalant way she saunters out with the tampons 🤌

Also love the constant theme of Ellie suggesting/asking/pushing for a gun and Joel always saying no

Ellie's fascination for things that we take for granted - flying in a plane

"I thought you went to school." "FEDRA school. They don't teach us how their shitty government failed to prevent a pandemic." REAL SO REAL

Info dump love it let's gooo

Joel's little pause on pancake mix...

I really love that even though Joel still sees her as a burden and nothing more than cargo, he still wants to protect her from the nasty shit, he doesn't want a child to see whatever is up there - and Ellie's "well now I have to see" is so fucking childish, she suffers the consequences of that decision but it's a beautiful storytelling mechanism

It's such a terrible visual, all of these old dry bones, 2 decades old, none of them died of infection, no, they died by human hands

The transition 😭😭😭😭 the fabrics cutting to the people IN the fabrics - a fucking mother and her tiny baby I am in TEARS

Great introduction to Bill and great first line, "not today you new world order jackboot fucks" 💅👏

The details of the following shots - the gun wall, guns & ammo magazine, big bottles of sulfuric acid, ammo, the sub basement in a general shot and small things to notice (taxidermied animal in the left bottom corner, everything meticulously ordered on the shelves, the screen setup)

Genuinely think it's hilarious that the sub basement is hidden under a TRUNK and Bill steps out with a gasmask on and hunting rifle cocked, he's such a funny sight and Nick Offerman does a fantastic job just in this first part already - it's so video game coded tbh

The music swell into a montage (let's be honest) of him doing his little doomsday prep shit is fantastic - the mix of totally fucking apeshit stuff (setting boobytraps and fences) added with super domestic stuff (growing his own veggies and rearing chickens) is so amusing

The remote controls 😭 I remember, we had a TV like that when I was a kid

The 'dont tread on me' flag is an interesting and noteworthy thing to mention - I know some about it but I had to Google for more information on it, and it makes sense that Bill would have a flag like that in his home

"Are you armed?" ".... No." "Why did you take that long to answer?" "I don't know, I thought about lying for some reason, but a reason didn't come." Amazing introduction

The fact that Frank bears his neck just a little to let Bill test him, even though he's clearly nervous

Cheeky man shooting his shot with the "I'm really hungry" line, he could tell immediately he could try this with Bill

The whole Arby's line followed by the Arby's was never free 😂💀

I think this is the moment Frank truly began to clock that he and Bill are cut from the same cloth, it's such a nothing but everything moment

I think it's so amusing that Bill has such a lovely house and has been living there successfully for 4 years in the outbreak so far, but there's dust fucking all over the dressers and shit 😂😭 man doesn't have cleaning on his priority list and I can see Frank thinking "damn he needs someone else here huh"

God they're so awkward 😩💕

Frank's SMILE, the way he looks at Bill like he just gave him the world - Murray Bartlett god bless you

The way Frank doesn't even wait one second, he fucking digs in immediately, yeah I believe u haven't eaten in 2 days hun

But look how delicate he holds the cutlery, he's someone who probably used to enjoy living decently and enjoyed good food before it all went to shit - he clearly loves the food (yeah he's hungry but that's the kind of "damn this is restaurant level" reaction you'd expect on something like masterchef), and his excitement at the wine is fucking adorable

"A man who knows to pair rabbit with a Beaujolais." "I know I don't seem like the type." " No, you do." HELP

Frank stop bullying the poor man's music sheet collection lmao

So I didn't know Linda Ronstadt before this at all, so I googled her and listened to some of her music - it's very nice, though not something I could really stick myself into, it's more like nice music to just have playing in the background whilst I'm working personally - but I do just so love that the characters can have a connection over it. That's one of the great joys of music

Bill standing in the back, wringing his hands because damn Frank, you're kinda butchering it lmao

Oh this song means something so much more

"There is no girl." "I know." sobbing

Same-sex marriage wasn't legal in Massachusetts until 2004, so they never got to know legal and safe love and still, here they are 😭 I'm in my feels over this because these men never got to be safe and out, they never got to be open with their relationships, and now they've found each other in a broken fucked up world that doesn't given a shit who you are, it will just try to kill you regardless

This kiss means so much to me - oh Bill 😭

Both of them with wet eyes, overwhelmed with emotion, and Frank asks "what's your name?" I'm so deceased

This is the softest most natural and sweet non explicit sex scene I've ever watched. I watched this with my mum and not once did I feel embarrassed, both of us thought it was a beautiful moment and very human - Bill has never had the opportunity to be with a man before, he's what, in his late 30s? Early 40s? And Frank is so non-judgemental over this lack of experience. He knows, he gets it, he understands. This whole scene is just soft, gentle and brought me to tears. This is the kind of queer representation I've been yearning for in mainstream media and it's so rare to find 🙌

Skip to 3 years on and it's a lovers quarrel, so fucking real

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. I live in this world, you live in a psycho bunker where 9/11 was an inside job, and the government are all Nazis." "THE GOVERNMENT ARE ALL NAZIS!" BE SO FOR REAL (I can't believe this is real script I'm vibrating with joy) - they've clearly had discussions like this before because Frank just goes straight to threatening to off himself which I find hysterical

They have such different love languages - Frank is an artist, he cares about small details, Bill is more practical, he'll cook and protect but so help him if you wanna use resources for something he seems frivolous

The angry "you WHAT!?" immediately cutting to Frank, Bill, Tess and Joel eating lunch outside is *chef's kiss*

💕✨Tess✨💕 I love you so much

Frank and Tess: 🥰✨🌸

Bill and Joel: 💀🔪⚠️

"I understand. If my, uh... If mine, brought strangers into our situation, I wouldn't be happy either." Oh Joel,,,,,

I love how even though this is 7 years into the cordyceps pandemic, you can see Joel is so similar to the 20 year mark, "get that gun outta my face", like yeah you tell him

I do adore the total lack of judgement from Joel (and Tess) that Bill and Frank are together, cause he clearly knows but it just doesn't bother him. Ally behaviour ✨ (does Joel give bi energy? discuss)

Why does Joel's warning feel like a prelude

Crying at two men eating fresh strawberries wasn't on my 2024 bingo card, but here I am, sobbing my eyes out with joy at these two - their giggles and pure joy at eating something they haven't had in like 10 years, the shared love and contentment in that hazy evening sun, the way Frank grabs onto Bill and just holds his arm in his,,,, I'm just such a mess

"I'm sorry." "For what?" "Getting older faster than you." "Ah, I like you older. Older means we're still here." 😭😭😭💕

"I was never afraid before you showed up." Fucking stop it oh my god

"Not on the strawberries!" Yeah that got me chuckling too

I fucking KNEW it, people are the worst, Joel was right

I just noticed Frank is wearing house slippers in this scene oh my god

Wish we'd gotten a little scene of Bill teaching Frank to shoot, could you imagine?

I like that even though Bill is in excruciating pain and thinks he's dying, he still wants Frank to be safe and insists he calls Joel, and isn't that also something? That at this point Joel is a safe enough person for him to even consider that the most important thing

The cut to 2023, seeing them Old and Frank basically immobile,,,, yeah that stings

Gonna note down my love for the costume, makeup, hair and set departments here for this episode - they aged these two so well, their clothes suit them, and the small gradual changes in decorating and scenery (in and outside the house) are seen and appreciated immensely

Paint used to be a frivolity, now Frank's paintings are everywhere <3

The wink had me giggling, they're so cute

Love is cutting your partner's food, giving them a cup with a straw because it's easier for them, helping with their medication, sitting next to them because each other is all that matters - love is staying with your partner and helping them into their bed because they can't do it themselves anymore

The painting of Bill in their bedroom :')

The certainty when Frank says this is his last day.... It's so painful but I'm also so glad he has the choice, that he's deciding that this is it - it's better than what most people get

Bill crying is 😭😭 he needs Frank

Love this realistic speech from Frank here - no, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, but it was still fucking decent and that's what matters

I cannot describe the noise I made when he talked about getting married

"Do you love me?" "Yes." Bill's face, yes of course he fucking does Frank, he'd do anything for you - but he needs this guidance, one more time

When "On the Nature of Daylight" started playing, I shit you not, I had a damn near meltdown and mum made me pause the show because I started to get so damn upset. That song is fairly overused for these kind of sad scenes and situations, but fuck, does it get me every single time

Getting married by the piano :') the law may not have recognised them but fuck the law in a lawless world, be happy

The same meal as the first one they had together 😭 the same reaction just toned down my god

My mum already suspected that Bill had spiked the whole bottle, but I was naïve and it shocked me when Bill chugged his own glass and Frank asked - oddly, I agree with Frank, that's the most romantic shit ever

Bill's speech guys come on I'm only a little queer in a big world and these old men have my heart and soul

I love that their bedroom moved from upstairs to downstairs, necessary detail but important regardless

Joel knows the door pin 🙌

Clearly some time has gone since they died cause there's dust everywhere, the flowers are dead and the food is mouldy (I'd guess at least a month, judging off of the visual evidence and also the fact that the radio was blasting 80s when they left Boston)

A part of me is sad Ellie never got to meet Bill and Frank, I bet Frank would have immediately taken a shine to her. They'd have been the slighty psycho gay uncles and aided Ellie in her lesbian ways (ooc? Probably idc)

The fact that it's 'to whomever, but probably Joel', mmmmyeah, not even Tess, no, Joel

A date! August 29th, when did they leave Boston??? (Found out they literally left on the same date what the hell Craig Mazin are you trying to kill me)

The way Ellie reads the laughter caught me off guard and I choked

Bill's letter breaks my heart, truly, so telling of Joel and Bill's character

'use them to keep Tess safe' yeah, it's okay, it's not like my heart was already ripped out anyways

Joel scrunching the letter,,, I get it

"What you say goes." YEAHHH glad they kept that

"Dude." "No." the ongoing gun debate is still funny

Seeing Ellie grab the toilet paper had me flash backing into 2020 *shudders* dark times

Ellie getting excited about a hot shower, immediately saying Joel needs to cause he stinks, mwah

THE SHIRT, IT'S ELLIE'S SHIRT YEAHH GO COSTUME DEPARTMENT

Gun = acquired (and immediately hidden)

"Well don't you look pretty!" "Shut up."

Joel is wearing Frank's shirt 😭

Joel with slicked back wet hair....... Yeah

My girl has no clue how cars work and I love that

Joel likes Linda Ronstadt :')

Close on their open window, with the first song Bill and Frank shared together, yeah I'm fine haha

I think my favourite thing about this episode is that it's the opposite of 'bury your gays'. These gays got to live their lives and grow old together. They got to love, and adore, and enjoy life together for 16 years. 16!! They died on their own terms, having lived happily in relative safety together, and that's fucking beautiful.

What a read, thanks if you made it to the end! this episode grabbed me by the balls and hasn't let go, so i apologise for the severe rambling of this post, like i say, it's just my running thought process. Do you agree with some of my notes, was there anything you noticed that i didn't? Comments and reblogs welcome <3

Episode 1 thoughts:

Episode 2 thoughts: