#...while others are destroying and depressing and horrific

[uncanny-tranny]

Realizing you can never please anybody can be a devastating loss... until you internalize exactly what that means.

When you sacrifice so much of yourself for others, you forget that you leave yourself behind. Not being able to please everybody means you can start learning how to fully embody who you are instead of juggling everybody else's baggage, trying to make something work out.

You might feel devastated about this, thinking you're terrible for not pleasing everybody. The truth is, it was impossible from the start, and learning who you are is infinitely rewarding

[ohtheewhorer]

The Bewitching Hour

Zombie!Husband!Joel Miller x Witch!F!Reader

A/N: figured that this would be a much better WIP to put out over my Dark Yandere Reader story, Sour, as of now during these times of mourning #ripJoelMiller

In your grief, you preform a powerful necromancy spell outlawed by all of witch coventry in order to revive your mentor and the object of your desires, Joel Miller. While it did work (sort of)…you are NOT in Jackson, Texas anymore. The spell sets forth a curse upon your world where the crumbling wasteland becomes a 1950s-1960s styled sitcom town. Within the illusion, you live as a housewife to a very doting and undead Joel while together raising his surrogate daughter. Slowly, your fantasy morphs into a nightmare as strange occurrences arise and threaten to destroy your new reality. Everything is not what it seems.

TW/Tags: horror, comedy, action, smut (MDNI +18), BIG legal age gap (peepaw Joel 61, reader late 20s-early 30s), potential lovers to married, premature love loss, whole lotta fluff, lots of angst, canonical violence, blood and gore, death (and undeath) of Joel Miller, necromancy/necrophilia because it’s zombie!Joel, sitcom antics, dark elements, magic, crying, grief, depression, thoughts and attempts of suicide and other dark subjects, inspired by WandaVision

Series Masterlist

1:00 Pilot *

Transported to a strange town called Glimmerdale, you begin to have doubts that this undead Joel is your real Joel which forces a wedge between the two of you. Noticing your depressed state, Joel and Ellie plan a dinner with friends to lift your spirits but everything that could go wrong goes wrong.

2:00 The Snitching Hour

You bake cupcakes for a neighborhood watch meeting and accidentally enchant them with a truth spell, forcing everyone in attendance to confess their secrets. You struggle to keep your mouth shut as no one can know about your fucked up truth especially not when a familiar face decides to stroll into town; triggering your most haunting and traumatic nightmares.

3:00 The Witching Hour

You and Joel host a game night where every time you roll a dice, it alters reality slightly. Also, you learn that Maria is a fellow descendant of a low-tier witch family line and she informs you that your spell is slowly beginning to fail.

4:00 The Glitching Hour

Someone is continually rewinding and rewriting reality in your favor. It’s time for a witch hunt! Also, Joel and Tommy have a little hunt in the woods on their own when Joel stumbles upon a monstrous sight beyond comprehension.

5:00 The Pitching Hour

Ellie pitches a drive-in theater for her film club festival. Things take a horrific turn as she becomes self-aware. Also, Joel enters a jingle contest and writes an ear worm of a song that seems as if the whole town’s fascinated with it.

6:00 The Switching Hour

How’re you back in Jackson?!

7:00 The Bitching Hour

Things are beginning to get worse as the spell continues to absorb life and slowly deteriorate reality. You and Maria visit a local library in search of an answer. Ellie and Joel have a heart to heart. Also, Abby’s been watching you.

8:00 The Ditching Hour

You must make a crucial choice or the world as you know it will be doomed.

*Bonus 9:00 The Haunting Hour

Life after Glimmerdale

Promos Block

1. The Hitching Hour- Oh, Heavens! You and Joel are getting hitched!

[cosmic-giraffe]

What’s your take on chapter 4? It fucking destroyed me.

Anon do I have THOUGHTS

So, first and foremost, I had to wake up SUPER early to watch the trial unfold and lose TWO MORE of my fave characters - all before breakfast. So that was an excellent start to my day.

Seriously though, I think Chapter 4's case might be my favourite in Tetro. Chapters 1 and 2 were great, Chapter 3 was exhausting but interesting, but Chapter 4 ticked all the boxes for me.

A compelling mystery? Yup.

An unexpected victim? Uh-huh.

An even more unexpected killer? Indeedy.

ABSOLUTELY GUT-WRENCHING??? Depressingly so.

I've seen a few takes regarding Watari's motivations this chapter, saying that she's "evil" and "selfish" and "pulling a Nagito", without taking into consideration her mental state during this chapter.

Imagine being her. You've been adultified and forced to grow up sooner than you should due to your parents and their need to have more kids despite not being fit caregivers, and are forcing that responsibility onto you, their teenage daughter. You've never really known how to be carefree or how to enjoy life.

Now, you're forced into a terrible situation where your classmates are dying left and right, with no telling of who's next on the chopping block. But amid the turmoil, you find you can talk to these teenagers, sympathise with them, make meaningful friendships with them. You're finally letting loose a bit, as much as you can in this situation.

You even grow especially close with a couple of them, namely Okazaki and Hama.

With Okazaki, Watari saw something in them that none of the others did. While everybody else saw them as a weirdo with no redeeming qualities, Watari saw a spark of something more. She was their only real friend in the killing game, and went everywhere with them.

Now, imagine the hollowing pit of betrayal opening up in Watari's gut during the third trial when Okazaki, her friend, GLEEFULLY confesses to killing not one, but two of their friends. Imagine how absolutely devastating that must be for her, to have somebody she knew and trusted be capable of doing such horrific things for no good reason. She would never be able to trust anybody again.

And to add to that, Okazaki insists that they did it for Watari, that she will understand one day. And then they're gone, just as dead as all the other people thus far.

Leaving the trial, Watari must feel miserable. She doesn't know how to go on, if she should even go on. And why would she? There's not much of a life waiting for her here. She gets to live another day living in fear of who will crack next, who will die next, if it will be her on either end.

And if she gets to escape, what's waiting for her on the outside? Is she expected to go back to her old life of being a third parent to her innumerable siblings? To be treated like a free nanny by her own dysfunctional parents?

Watari has hit rock bottom. She sees no way out. But you know who she does see?

Hama, with his imposing figure and heart of gold. She sees how important he is to the people in his life, his mom and his little sister. She sees how much he treasures them, and is treasured in return. She sees somebody WORTH dying for.

Watari is obviously in a very unhealthy state of mind. Depression does that to you. It makes thoughts of suicidal ideation seem like a pleasant, viable option to her situation. In a game of kill or be killed, why not go out on her own terms while granting safety to the one other person she cares about in this situation?

Not to say that Watari didn't care about any of the other students, she very much did. She loved Mai and Wada and Yanagi, but she certainly treasured her friendship with Hama most of all. He was one of the few people to take her commitment to the school staff charade seriously. He was the only person she ever decided to give a front row seat to her firedancing skills.

Hama looked out for her like the big brother he was, and she saw just how much his sister needed that kind of protective presence in her life.

So that's why Watari decided to give her life to save Hama, at the expense of killing everybody else.

As I said, Watari's mind is a very unstable place. She isn't thinking clearly, but she still carried through with her plan of setting up Hama as her killer in order for him to receive the blackened status.

She couldn't outright ask him to kill her as she knew he cared about her too much to have her blood on his hands. So assisted suicide was the next best thing, even if he was completely unaware of his involvement.

Personally, I was blown away (pun unintended) by just how SIMPLE Watari's plan was. Not a slight against the writing; I was definitely overthinking the whole case leading up to the trial when the reality was that it was as simple as opening a door.

THAT was what floored me, how such an innocuous motion could be used to commit manslaughter. It's insane.

And that brings me back to Okazaki promising Watari that she'd understand one day. Maybe Watari took Okazaki's words to heart. She definitely took a leaf out of their book with the whole "rigging a door trap" deal.

But in the end, Watari and Hama were both victims in this chapter. I don't even consider there to be a true killer. Watari was depressed and took her own life (she laid out all the steps except the ignition of the fire) and Hama was completely unaware of his role in her plan. He's completely innocent as far as I'm concerned.

Two chapters with two victims back to back is crazy, huh?? 😭

Finally, this was one of the saddest cases in Tetro, and was definitely my favourite so far. Chapter 5 has a lot to live up to, but trust me when I say that if it's any more chaotic than C3 or C4, then I might not make it to see Tetro Blue 🤣🤣

[t3am-r0adk1ll]

— Cold with Stan!

Stanley Pines x gn!reader CW: mention of suicide, brief mention of sex, depression, and use of alcohol. Note: So I uhh wrote this a few months ago? It was cathartic so it’s very sad, be warned!!

Summary: You’re high school friends with Stan, but he didn’t even get to know everything you were going through. And after more than 50 years, he still never really knew…

You were fine. You looked fine the last time you talked to him, so why was your body hanging from the ceiling now?

That was what Stan wondered when he walked into the horrific scene. Your body there, your anxiety pills all over the floor, like you’d even tried to avoid this happening but fate had other plans, and the note. Oh, that fucking note. It gave some clarification to your suicide, of course, but that didn’t make Stanley feel any better. He had your motives and last thoughts recorded in that note, where the ink was stained with some of your last tears. But that only made him wonder why.

Hadn’t he made you happy enough? Had he done something wrong? Why did you think so lowly of yourself, that in your note you mentioned how he could and should easily move on? He couldn’t move on, not from this. Not from you. He couldn’t believe that he had never thought the last hug he gave you would be that, the last. The last kiss, the last fuck. He’d been your first and your last. He’d be proud if he wasn’t destroyed by your death. Because the only thing he could dream about at nights was you, your future together when there was still one. He had become accustomed to nightmares, about his brother and about his father, but none of them made Stanley cry harder than when he had those sweet dreams about you two having a nice, domestic little life. He’d dream about walking into the kitchen of your house, the last one you lived in, hug you from behind and sweetly kiss your neck while you did dishes or cooked. Sometimes he’d have wet dreams about you and they made him feel disgusting, disgusting because he’d never feel the heat of your body ever again. Now you were six feet underground and rotting, that was what was left of your body, so he didn’t feel like he had the right to dream about you like that.

The guilt, the sadness, they consumed Stanley. Sometimes he wished you could see him, you could see the damage you did and feel bad about it. But he knew it was useless, you were gone, forever, and he was left behind. Suffering. And he indeed suffered in silence for the rest of his days, the only witnesses were his pillow and a bottle of whiskey, that’s how he mourned you every night, all night.

[urproblematicfav-ao3]

I need to finish preachers daughter before I start another multichap fucked up human au for charlastor but idea for a therapist au thing that I've been very into and want to get around to eventually

Cw: rape, hard abuse and all the dead doves in general

Before anyone says it, yea, Hannibal vibes tbh.

Anyway, au where Alastor is a therapist and Charlie is his new client/victim.

Charlie is rape victim with an extremely long history of severe violence and abuse from her dad and childhood. She's like, 28 and struggling to get through life in general due to her emotional instability and night terrors. She's also EXTREMELY hypersexual + into hardcore bdsm and keeps ending up in bad relationships because of it. She's not really going about anything in a healthy way.

And then she meets Alastor's asexual ass, and whao....a hot older man(he's like 35 he's not even old) who doesn't sexualize her body and actually listens to her.....??? Whoaoa.

Alastor's still a fucking psychopath and serial killer. He's also dating Vox(Xander) who's dating Val, and sometimes he nudges emotionally traumatized and impressionable women in their direction to help with their whole sex trafficking thing. Al's more in it to fuck with the people he's supposed to be helping. He likes gaslighting and making the problem worse, or building disturbing codependent relationships only to get them to kill themselves/kill them later himself.

Charlie's depressed and just got out of another bad relationship where the guy she was seeing started jerking off when she was describing her childhood. (This is a real thing I've seen women say happen to them.)

Alastor thinks this is gross and Charlie wants very badly to have the validation of Al also wanting to jerk off to her trauma. Al, does not want to jerk it to her dad raping her as a toddler, thats not exactly his thing. He's a RESPECTABLE psycho, he has a necrophilia and rape fetish like a normal person. Charlie is sad about this, Al tries to encourage her to go to more safe bdsm events instead of just hooking up with randos on dating sites. Charlie immediately is like "ohhh......so u know....about bdsm clubs?? u know a lot about how to be a good dom???" And Al threatens to end the session early if she's going to be inappropriate.

Later, Charlie is still sad and gets unbelievably plastered and sexts Alastor with a fuckton of pictures full frontal and self harm. She calls him while drunk and basically begs him to masturbate with her over the phone while she talks about horrific shit. She avoids the childhood stuff, and because Al has a Violence™ kink he does kinda get hard when she talks about being tortured. He hangs up on her but definitely replays the voice memos and videos she sent a LOT.

This eventually all leads to Charlie begging for some kind of 24/7 bdsm relationship where she basically gives up all autonomy. She's severely underestimating how awful of a person Alastor is, and he tries to correct her by explaining that "breaking a person" isn't a sexy process, it's a slow horrific dehumanizing experience where the end goal is to destroy a person's self worth and identity. Charlie says she doesn't want to be a person anymore anyway so it's fine.

Alastor has bad self control and she's his type in every way, so he agrees and he moves her in.

Lots of just, straight up domestic violence. Weirdly tho, Charlie is into it the whole time. She has a lot of decision paralysis issues and Alastor breaking her life down into tiny obedient pieces is actually extremely helpful. She has a high pain tolerance/pain kink so him slapping or hitting her isn't that jarring or hard to manage. They get along SUPER WELL and even outside of the sadomasochistic marathon fucks, they're actually super compatible and happy. Charlie starts to get a little better and develop hobbies, well, she's taking up Alastor's hobbies because she's not allowed to be a separate person from him but she's doing something other than lay on the floor and wait for Al like a dog.

Xan eventually comes to visit. He immediately wants to fuck Charlie and because Al didn't explicitly give her permission to do so, she doesn't consent or react when he touches her. Al walks in and basically smacks him upside the head for trying to rape his new gf. Xan is mad because this isn't the first time Al has brought home a girl, and he isn't usually possessive over them let alone actually keeping them. Allie is supposed to share his work spoils.

They definitely all fuck. Also some kind of joke about Al wanting bottom surgery and Xan and Charlie crying while worshipping his dick cuz they don't want him to cut it off.

And then they all live happily ever after in the most deeply unhealthy relationship dynamic possible.

Anyway, I do want to get around to this one at some point. But it would definitely derail into a fucking, 20 chapter endeavor like all my shit does lmao

[chuckeroo777]

Frieren Liveblog- Chapters 5-8

Welcome back! Today we continue the cute adventures of Frieren and her apprentice Fern. Let's see what painful memories of Himmel we can dredge up today.

Remember, this is a first read-through, so no spoilers please!

Nothing personal kid.

I wonder if Frieren learned this spell from somewhere, or if she devised it herself, drawing from the hundreds of lesser spells she's collected to weave together a comprehensively powerful spell.

Maybe it's a little early for me to be making such judgements, but it feels like Frieren is somewhere on the spectrum. Between her difficulty expressing emotions, difficulty with social cues, and generally detached behavior while still clearly caring, she certainly fits the part.

Ah, but what about teleportation? Is that a thing in this magic system? Or even just a haste spell of some kind. It sounds unstoppable, but it has a weakness.

Fern, I stg, I literally told you to read the book that explained it.

Ah, so it wasn't unbeatable, just not understood. And without the element of surprise, it's just another spell.

You're the one who used the cheaty magic first. Fair's fair. She was nice enough to give you a chance to surrender.

Guys, she's literally wearing pants under her skirt. Ugh, men, am I right? Reminds me of the time I was DMing, and the party finally confronted the evil goddess in her sanctum. And rather than focusing on stopping the world ending ritual, the rogue decided it would be a good idea to crawl up into her dress. I then made the mistake of describing something horrific in there instead of rejecting it outright, which only made him more determined.

And you know what that means! Loot!

God, I love her.

It's probably partially just ingrained in her, but this behavior sounds like symptoms of depression. Either way, it's probably good for her to have someone like Fern around to support her, both physically and emotionally.

Hopefully pirate ghosts don't mind you turning their ships into scrap wood.

Gosh darn it, I'm already adoring their relationship. Frieren is weird as hell, and Fern doesn't get it, but damn if she doesn't do her best to support her anyway.

But it reminded you of your friend. And perhaps that's enough.

In a setting I'm working on, an afterlife does exist, but little is known about it. Souls can be summoned from the beyond, if they're willing, but are unable to describe or remember their time there. Some say the beyond is a place of blissful rest. Others believe it to be nothing but stasis, and some extremists believe it is inhabited by parasites, who harvest souls from our world to provide the beyond with souls of its own.

I suppose this has nothing to do with Frieren. I wonder if we'll get any answers, or if this is just left an open ended question.

I've been finding her rather relatable, but this? Who the hell comes to a friend's house unannounced and declare they are hanging out. Frieren. Frieren, that's who.

Har har. I do wonder what's up with the other elves of this world. Why is Frieren alone in human territory anyway?

Glad to see she's learning. Although, when she mentions Fern getting angry, is that true? I don't think we've seen that from her yet. Maybe Frieren just doesn't want to admit how much she respects Fern.

Uh huh. Frieren, it's only been 7 chapters and I can already tell that retracing Himmel's steps is absolutely your core motivation. You can admit you miss him.

Ah, so Flamme was Frieren's master? And judging by the flashback in the next panels, she was a human. I wonder how much contact Frieren has had with other elves? A lack of other immortals might explain her trouble forming meaningful connections.

Hmm... what did she know?

Well then. I guess this is our goal for the foreseeable future. Hmm... all sorts of things could go wrong. This land supposedly existed 1000 years ago, but the Demon King lived there 80 years ago. It wouldn't surprise me if the Demon King destroyed this place, or somehow tapped into its power.

Daw...

I wonder how long Eisen with be joining us. I imagine he's too old to accompany us far.

I'm going to hazard a guess and say she probably cares about you quite a bit, but is hopeless at actually expressing it.

I do wonder what is going through her head. Is she simply afraid to form bonds that would break in no time? Was Himmel the first real friend she made in her long life? What does Frieren truly want?

Those aren't the words of someone who doesn't want to spend time with you.

And that's chapter 8! Four chapters per post seems about right. Stay tuned for the next post shortly!

[thatgoblin]

Just a fun idea I may delve into should the depression and anxiety wane.

Your mom remarried after your dad dies, making you and your twin brother, Alex, move across the world to live with your new step dad and step brother, Johnny. Not only did you move, but so did your step family. It’s an old fixer-upper, and your mom loves it. She's in the real estate business, and it's perfect to keep the whole family busy over summer break and give everyone bonding time.

All you care about is that you moved over 6,000 miles away from everything you knew. Even if Scotland was a place you had always wanted to visit, it's now tainted by you being forced to live with your idiot step brother, who you barely understand.

While Alex is introduced to Johnny's friends, you're left at home because 'boys only'. Sticking to your mom's side, trying to have the least amount of interaction with your step dad, you slowly get used to the place. Sure, there's creaks and groans, but the house is stupid old. Sometimes, you hear people murmuring in a room down the hall when no one else is home, but you're sure it's just a radio your mom left on while painting a room.

Then Alex starts hating his room. It smells horrible, and no matter how much he cleans, it just smells like rotten meat. Johnny and him end up sharing a room to escape the smell, and it works for a while until the smell follows to Johnny's room with twice the intensity.

Your mom refuses to think it's weird and continues on as if nothing is happening, only giving air sprays to fight the stench.

A couple of weeks have gone by before Johnny’s friends visit. They keep to themselves as you work to clean out the attic, your mom giving you the option to use that as your room so Alex can have his own room again. You're almost done moving things when you're being hit with tiny pebbles in the back of the head. Frustrated, you spin to yell at Johnny or Alex or even his friends, but no one is there.

They stay the night, and unbeknownst to anyone, they use an old pendant to ask spirits questions. It was just something spooky to do for fun, but when you get jerked out of bed, someone dragging you by the ankle, your screams wake everyone up.

Of course your mom thinks it was just a bad dream despite your statements of being awake. The boys don't say anything, unusually quiet. From then on, it gets worse and not just for you.

Alex gets hit in the head by a cupboard door slamming shut on its own. Johnny keeps finding roaches in his bed, no matter that he leaves the blankets off or doesn't eat in his room. Your mom and step dad are oblivious, not having experienced anything other than you and your siblings being 'dramatic.' Things keep falling in Alex's first room. There's nothing in there, it's empty, but there's thuds of objects falling. Your books, Alex's game controllers, Johnny’s shoes, etc.

Finally, something happens that your parents can't deny. You're minding your own business when the thumps start again. You're used to it by now and ignore it. All of you do.

But this time it gets louder and louder. Your mom goes to the stairs to yell at Alex and Johnny to knock it off, but everyone is downside the livingroom while you and her were in the kitchen. Staring at one another, the thumps stop at the top of the stairs as the sound of creaking rope as something swings comes from the vaulted ceiling.

Looking up, you fall down as you choke on your own spit as everyone panics.

Looking back down at you is a man who had hung himself, smiling with wide eyes. You know the man as well, making it even more horrific.

It's your deceased father, who had passed from hanging himself almost 3 years ago, 6,000 miles away in a house that had since been destroyed.

[empyrean-thrones]

The story of a woman with a physical disability being a dragon riding hero was such a compelling idea to me and I love that idea so much, but I think a lot of Rebecca’s writing choices in the Empyrean series when it comes to the PoC characters are so thoughtless and racist this story is just kind of awful in so many ways.

Xaden, a MoC MMC being perceived as uniquely ruthless in the quadrant and never experiencing love before the white FMC chose him and Xaden being so desperate to save her that he is the one out of the two of them that becomes an evil wizard? The FMC’s mother scarring his back? Horrific storylines. Xaden’s story is depressing and in a lot of ways demoralizing and the way Rebecca writes him makes me nervous. I could see his character arc taking him to the “dark side” and I hope Rebecca handles his story tactfully. I know this is a love story, but I don’t want Violet to “save” his soul from corruption. I do not care if it ruins the female power fantasy, Xaden being depicted as emotionally and mentally helpless and dependent on the white FMC is not a feel-good romantic story, it is awful. I hope and I want it to be clear by the end of the series that Xaden is good natured and strong with or without Violet’s influence, I want him to save himself in the emotional/spiritual sense. Wouldn’t mind if Violet saved him from physical threats.

Also, Rhiannon, the bisexual Black woman that becomes the “best friend” hardly gets a storyline of her own and is depicted as a tough girl that does not have a committed lover and it is just so fucking tiring. I liked some of her conversations with Violet in part one of Iron Flame, when she was figuring out that something strange was going on at Basgiath. But Rebecca hardly ever does anything interesting with her character, Rhiannon wasn’t really given an emotional character arc. Violet lies to Rhiannon for months and Rhiannon seemingly gets over it pretty fast and shows mild annoyance and stays very loyal to Violet. Rhiannon could have saved Violet from Varrish or she could have helped Xaden save her from Varrish, she could have been pulled into the emotional storylines some more. It definitely feels like she gets sidelined from the story even though she is Violet’s “best friend”.

I’m so glad you feel the same way about the depiction of PoC in this series.

My thoughts on Xaden are… mixed, to say the least.

He’s the son of a noble duke who disgraced and deemed insane by the public for trying to do what’s right and faces the burden of carrying the weight of hundreds on his shoulders. If either of them step out of line, everything he’s worked for will be destroyed and he’d suffer the same demise as his father. No one trusts him and everyone paints him in a bad light because of this. His worst nightmare comes in the form of the daughter of the woman responsible for almost every awful thing in his life being permanently chained to his soul; so not only does he have to aid the secret revolution without getting caught and make sure none of people are getting killed/doing some stupid shit that’ll put a target on their back, he also has to deal with the knowledge that Violet will inevitably get roped into this mess and further complicate things.

And on paper, I’d eat this shit up. This is the kind of character that I’d be rotating in my head for months. But instead of this guy with a ton of trust issues and deep desire to help others so they don’t go through the same thing he did, while also being so laser focused on the end goal, he’s either unaware or unwilling to see the collateral damage he causes.

Instead, I got some quick witted snarky dude with shadow powers who has a hair kink, low key sucks at flirting, and is just like… a dick to people sometimes? I understand that his trauma keeps him from communicating in a healthy manner with Violet in Iron Flame but the things he does to her in that book might be borderline gaslighting at some points.

The thing that really turned me off this character was the part where he threatened to withdrawal his support for Poromiel and leave them to die because a random gryphon flier (who might not have known who he was) attacked him at an outpost. He even goes so far as to say that “if you’re asking if I’d rather your people die than mine, then obviously my answer is yes.” It made me wonder if he was so quick to threaten their entire country with death, why does he bother helping them? What are his true intentions? What’s his end goal? Cuz right now, it just feels like he’s doing this for brownie points.

When it comes to ruthless characters, I’m reminded of this quote from Animorphs:

"People don't understand the word ruthless. They think it means 'mean.' It's not about being mean. It's about seeing the bright, clear line that leads from A to B. The line that goes from motive to means. Beginning to end. It's about seeing that bright, clear line and not caring about anything but the beautiful fact that you can see the solution. Not caring about anything else but the perfection of it."

— Marco, Book #30: The Reunion

There are a lot of good lines in this series but this one stuck with me the most for some reason. Whenever I think of Xaden, I think of whether his actions apply to Marco’s definition of the word. Can he see that bright, clear line or was his final act in IF just an impulse decision?

When the characters call him ruthless, I think they really just mean cruel. What makes this fact uncomfortable for me is that it’s not just Navarrian bootlickers calling him that. The Marked Ones even joke about it during their meeting under the tree at night. Cat says he’s incapable of love which… yikes. Violet thinks this:

“And it’s not just his body. It’s… everything. Even the darkest parts of him, the parts I know are merciless, willing to annihilate anyone and everyone who stands between him and a goal, pull me in like a moth to a fucking flame.”

Girl, can you name one positive aspect about his character that you like? Cuz if not, it’s giving “small pacifist white girl falls for large aggressive black man”.

And I agree with you on his status as a venin. I don’t think it’s up to Violet to “save” him. Yarros said she wanted the whole venin thing to be about the struggle for power and how much is too much power. I think Xaden could’ve worked as one of them if he hadn’t been a wingleader at the start and was given special privileges because people were too scared of him. If he was reduced to nothing in Navarrian society and drew from the earth as a last ditch effort to save his people, then I wouldn’t be so harsh. Maybe if the venin had more nuance than just “we love killing people,” I’d be more open to introducing them as this new threat but for now, they just seem uninteresting to me.

But yes, Xaden needs to be the one to save himself spiritually/emotionally. Just like how you can’t force a drug addict into therapy, Violet can’t force a cure onto him. He needs to realize that he’s the problem and needs to seek rehab. There can be moments where he relapses but that shouldn’t deter him from becoming a better person.

And then there’s Rhiannon.

My sweet, beautiful Rhiannon.

She is what I call the three B’s of tokenism in media: black bisexual bestie. She sleeps around with everyone but never has a proper romance arc of her own. She doesn’t have an arc where she drags her sister into the Revolution or anything. All she is is Violet’s cheerleader who inserts herself into the Cat situation despite having nothing to do with it.

I really believed we’d get some growth from her in IF since she was starting to get some conflict with Violet over the secrets she was hiding. I thought we'd be getting something GOOD. And then Violet revealed everything to them and Rhi was just like, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." I was absolutely livid when I read that part.

We don’t even get a scene where she and Violet do some sleuthing to figure out what the fuck is going on in the healer’s quadrant because our stupid MC keeps trying to gaslight her into thinking everything’s fine. She doesn’t challenge Violet in any significant way after part 1. If Yarros does nothing with her in Onyx Storm, I’m gonna be so pissed.

And don’t even get me started on how she’s only the only character who’s dragon is named after an emotion (not even a positive one at that). Why did she name the WoC’s dragon ANGER???

[sharksarewaterdogs]

Rottmnt Heroes & Villains Split Siblings Au (pt 6)

Splinter loves his boys. So much.

He feels crippling guilt over "killing" two of them. He also feels guilty over neglecting the living two—not just as he's recovering, but also all throughout their lives.

He is Going Through It. That's been noted already but worth repeating. On top of the other traumas he faced, his entire body was transformed into something unrecognizable, something he found horrific and disgusting. Every interaction with yokai has been traumatic for him. He struggles massively with having become one.

He loves his boys, but there is also a buried, guilty fear there, a disgust of what they are.

It takes him many years to start coming to terms with everything, and, by the time he gets more solid coherence and pulls out of deep depression, Raph & Leo already have a system in place for their lives, so he sort of falls into a stagnated rut of still not interacting with them much or taking a very active part in life.

He is more aware of them and their lives than the boys realize, but he doesn't really take part in it or let on what he knows. He feels guilty and out of place with them.

When his two other sons are found to be alive, it's a shock to his system. The status quo is already upended, so he tries to latch onto this second chance of establishing a place in his boys' lives.

It's still hard. He still has his bad days. His boys still have a life they've lived largely without him or taking care of him, dynamics in which he doesn't fit, trauma he caused. They still have resentment towards him.

And two of them have been raised by the man who destroyed his life. Two of them call *that man* their dad, and want him to take away the two boys Splinter *does* have.

Suffice to say Splinter has no interest in even shared custody. Is there still toxic yaoi energy btwn him & Draxum? Yep. Does he want Drax's head on a pike? Oh yeah.

Draxum never got over the break up. What's so bad about a little mutation, after all? He plans to do the same to the rest of the world, it's not like he was targeting Splinter *specifically.* And if Splints had been more cooperative, he could've chosen his mutation, so really, who is to blame for him becoming a rat?

(Ohh if looks could kill.)

Draxum initially intended the boys as his super soldiers. He intended to raise them generally well, but not personally, keeping more of a professional distance to them... in theory. But those were also his & Lou's (—also y'know their turtle mamas'—) creations, and beautiful babies, and he quickly got attached to the two he managed to keep, raising them personally as his sons.

Now Draxum is a loving, present parent, but he's also rather controlling. His fear and distrust of the human world led to him isolating the boys from it, and pretty much all info on it was filtered through him, allowing him to shape their perception to match his own. As he's also going for the whole world-domination thing, he's very much planning to get all his boys under his thumb. Little rebellions in the moment can then be overlooked bc he plans to have ultimate influence over them when he is ruler of the world.

He has always wanted the other two (and Lou) back, but failed searches over the early years led him to decide Lou had probably hidden them in the human world, perhaps with the EPF [more on them later], and he may be better off continuing to dedicate himself to his villainous plans and get them as they're more likely to resurface with the world thrown into the chaos of rapid change and coming under his power.

He is eager to have the other boys back, but also willing to wait. So while he would like to nab first convince to his side later, he also respects Truce Day Tuesdays and believes that they will fall to his side once he's successfully mutated the human world and gained power for yokai.

Part of him is exasperated & irritated with the hero boys' foiling of his plans, but part of him is all "aw look at the kids playing together 🥰" (explosions and screams and evil cackling in the background as heroes v villains go for each other's throats)

[shallowseeker]

srry for the giant wall of rambles I got too thinky bc I was chopping apples and having a suspiciously nice day

do you think cas actually likes bees or if its a fandom trait based on Crazy!Cas who liked bees because of the hivemind resembling heaven?

also i imagine heaven and angels like parasitic creatures while hell is leeches/fungi/deep sea type scavengers

You're apologizing to ME about giant walls? Now, that is a little funny.

BEES & THE QUEST FOR MEANING I've gone back and forth on the bees, but mostly I think it's harmless, and I've made peace with the fact that I'm just not that into it.

Over time I've landed on putting the bees in a more biblical/theological space and leaving them there. I don't even think Cas liked them so much as he was desperately checking out of life and struggling to find meaning in a universe that felt monotonous and horrific -> the wars and sex and the unhappy dogs that can only think in ovals.

Because of his shame and depression, Cas could find no meaning or joy in the rat-race of life. He wants to be a non-participant because, “I destroyed everything and I will destroy everything again.”

Here, I view Cas as Ecclesiastes. He was despairing over meaninglessness and the useless "striving of wind." I do think it was a motif that was 100% on purpose, too, because war, work, and career dealings are accompanied by fans, windmills, and industrial stirrings a lot in SPN!

It's very cool. It even appears in The Winchesters companion series, when Mary is facing her childhood!

//

Other Cas Things Interest Me More

Anyway, Cas and bees. Cas doesn't ever really return to them again after he moves past his struggle with his season 7 nihilism/meaninglessness. He seems more enamored with trash TV than bees. "I missed television," is the very first thing he says after getting out of Purgatory, lol.

He doesn't seem like much of an environmentalist either and seems perfectly willing to hand-slaughter pigs and eat shitty food. (To me, Lucifer seems like more of the environmentalist or even AU Zachariah from season 13's Good Intentions.) Or even Cain!

I think in later seasons, Cas seems vaguely aware of and attempting to be appreciative of the fleetingness of the time he has with his human family.

We see this theme in Naomi's words sometime in season 14 (I think?):

NAOMI: "Everything ends, Castiel."

We see it again in Cas’s words to Jack in season 14’s Ouroboros:

CAS: "The point is that they were here at all and you got to know them, you. When they're gone, it will hurt, but that hurt will remind you of how much you loved them."

He also, unlike characters like Sam, seems to not get too hung up on agonizing over moral relativism -> judging from his words to Claire in season 10's The Things We Left Behind:

CAS: "Yes, well, um… Before, I was very self-assured. I was convinced I was on this righteous path. Now I realize that there is no righteous path. It’s just people trying to do their best in a world where it’s far too easy to do your worst."

And then, there's also his words to Apocalypse-World Cas, "We're the same," & "Yes, we are."

My point is, Cas seems to have made peace with and understands that morality is relative to where your allegiances lie, and he seems good with preferring his allyship to humans.

He also seems to be more focused on the here and now rather than preserving the future indefinitely, which in my mind, goes with bees-as-work and bees-as-future.

You could argue that Jack changes that for him in 12x19 The Future, but I’m not sure… It still seems pretty family- and legacy-focused.

///

HEAVEN AS HIVEMIND This is another area where I really break from the fandom.

I don't view Heaven as a hivemind so much as I view it as a police state/military power, or else I don't think it would be structured the way it is. It's got this rigid party propganada, "We're heartless. Only humans feel emotions and true joy." I view it more as a surveillance state.

On the whole, I think Angelicity deals with the motif of epic, professional repression. On a lower level of existence, I'm reminded of the studies where men say they don't feel emotions but test as having them in equal or more intense measure when you measure psychological arousal and adrenal stress. I view Angelicity as a narrative exaggeration of traditional, brutal, stoic masculinity— a higher, Heavenly masculinity carried to its extreme.

It's got insanely brutal, inhumane emotional expectations. Grace, as my lovely father pointed out, looks a lot like traditional view on virility; it’s powerful and heals all sorts of emotional and physical ailments, but it’s finite and prone to performance issues.

//

In the show, practically every angel we see onscreen rebels, and angels are a huge motif for ongoing Civil War -> "brother against brother."

Despite what Lucifer and Cas and Naomi say, most angels are shown to have their own ideas, and on the whole, are shown to be reckless, angry, wrathful, impulsive, incredibly petty, and emotionally volatile.

I think what tends to happen is people hear the party line about heartlessness and obedience, and that clouds them from what the series actually shows us again and again: angels rebelling left and right and being brutally beaten down and lobotomized for it. (The lobotomies don’t even work all the way!)

Angels have constant, ongoing Civil War because they disagree with each other, even when there's only a handful of them left (Ex: Dumah Vs. Naomi in season 14).

Cas is not unique. That's the tragedy of authoritarianism. He only THINKS he is.

Cas's tendency to think of himself as unique and to think of his dealings with other angels as being "like teaching poetry to fish," is why he reaches for tyrannical god power in the first place. He thinks that, because they don't agree with him, they somehow don't have free will. Which is… kind of a flawed premise.

It's very complicated...but I think the reality is that until recently, Cas was right there with them, beaten down and hammered into shape. Hell, roll back a few years, and he'd have slaughtered himself alongside the others.

//

I think back to Anna's insistence that angels can't feel and are heartless, which is itself contradictory because Anna wouldn't have fallen in the first place if she had been emotionless to start with.

I prefer that she fell to be "allowed" to experience the emotions she probably already had…and had brutally repressed over eons of military dissociation and totalitarian training.

//

Being a soldier wears on you:

We see that, the longer Dean is a soldier, the more he too begins to lose sight of what is right or wrong. Season 15 Dean is so distraught and lost that he vaguely resembles season 4 soldier!Cas.

CAS: "I don't know what's right or wrong, or if you passed or failed here."

//

I LIKE YOUR COOL IDEA!

i imagine heaven and angels like parasitic creatures while hell is leeches/fungi/deep sea type scavengers

Deep sea creatures and fungi are wicked cool. See, you have ideas! You should just write them. I'd read that. Deep sea creatures would make excellent demons too, what with the whole "absence of light" and being down deep and all.

There's something horrific about being alive on all levels, isn't there? We all have to consume something to keep going. One of my fave religious essays is called The Horror of Eating, and it posits that Gods are so scary to us because we naturally put them above us, with us as the food/sacrifice to them. Brrr. This is why the sacrifice motif appears so often.

I guess...as humans, we empathize and humanize our food sources, which is a big part of our incredible neuroses...

[lambilegs]

I was at the bus stop and started to think about the end of the movie and the thought of Lee being haunted by the devil jumped my mind,like,how would she be like after the movie?

Would she try to find other ways to end the whole doll cycle thing,Or If Satan would change her memories like in the whole movie,or would she resist Satan's manipulation until she became like Ruth.

What are your thoughts on Lee after the movie?

-👹

thoughts on lee post-longlegs

note: thank you SO much for this request!! it's such an interesting idea to explore, and I definitely felt it was the right timing to do it today, since I just finished rewatching it. just to warn, it's pretty sad and quite dark ;-; contains: mentions of anxiety, depression, trauma, survivor's guilt, the murders. also, wanna disclaim that I am, by no means, a professional or expert in mental health, so these explorations of what lee's psyche and social behaviours would be like are purely speculation, and I can't say they accurately or for sure reflect what a person in her situation would actually go through post-traumatic event

okay, so from what oz has said, it seems like the devil was done with his work after lee's mom died. like, the devil just wanted to push lee to do something SO fucked up like kill her own mother, and that was kind of the last thing that had to happen to satisfy me (the devil's an asshole tbh)

I think with her doll being destroyed, and her mom being dead, lee would no longer be plagued by the devil in the sense that her memories and senses are altered with certain pieces being hidden away from her. nor would she have her psychic abilities anymore, since the devil is essentially "done" with messing with her

but, in every other sense, I think she would be entirely haunted by him. she spent twenty years of her life not even knowing a third person lived in her basement, because she was that intensely manipulated in what she saw, heard and detected. even though she knows it's not happening anymore, I think she'd be constantly caught in a web of self-doubt. what if there's someone in her cottage, and she doesn't know? what if in a moment of weakness, the devil returns and seizes her life? what if there's someone watching her from outside, but she just can't see because of a higher power? thoughts like this would always be poisoning her mind, shattering any chance at peace and keeping her, at least psychologically, haunted

while destroying the doll would, of course, make ruby aware of all that occurred with her family, lee knows how much worse it is to live in that perpetual state of blocked memories and entrapped trauma. her mother hiding what happened did nothing but destroy herself, lee and their home. lee's torn between the decision at first, overcome with pained sympathy for ruby, ruby who is so much like herself. does she choose blissful ignorance where ruby lives her life detached from her own memories? or horrific self-awareness that it might take years, her entire life, to move on from? lee almost, just almost, leans for the first option, but no. the cycle has to end. she can't dictate ruby to the same fate she herself lived, she can't sequester ruby to a life of feeling lost

if upon arrival, her coworkers are able to destroy the doll, and ruby becomes aware of all that happened, lee, just as traumatized, would be far from being considered suitable enough to look after the girl. lee isn't even sure if she'd want to do that. she's completely shattered, devastated, enraged and filled with nauseating panic all the time now. she can't look after ruby, ruby who deserves so much better. but, at the same time, her and ruby now understand each other more than anyone. two people who were forced to passively exist amongst the horrors their families went through.

ruby would probably now live with relatives of anna or carter's, and at first, lee and her aren't allowed to see each other, the family worried that it would only cause memories of that day to resurface for ruby. but, ruby is just as insistent. lee saved her, and now that more details of the case have been exposed, she's aware that lee and her are two sides of the same coin. and so, lee starts visiting ruby once a month, and the two of them catch up in their awkward little way, go on a walk, sit in the living room and watch television. ruby sometimes asks lee about the cases, what happened to lee and her mom, and despite the way her throat tightens, lee forces herself to answer

however, if ruby's doll wasn't able to get destroyed, and the devil still had a hold on her, it would probably be harder for lee to visit. seeing ruby in the haze, not even aware of what's happened to her family, haunts lee, and she can't bear to see the girl in that state. one of the worst things is the immense guilt she feels -- for having woken up too late, for having reached carter's house too late, for having attempted to shoot the doll too late. she'd feel this guilt no matter what, but I feel it'd be even worsened by the mental image of ruby's blank face continuously flashing in her mind

she'd feel a pit of guilt about her mom, too. all of this was because ruth wanted to protect lee. if lee hadn't gone outside to search for kobble on jaunary thirteenth, maybe none of this would've happened. if she hadn't been so reckless to interact with him, maybe none of this would've happened. if her mom hadn't loved her so much, maybe none of this would've happened

for months, she's off from work. she's always either in a state of panic or numbness. she can't sleep, she can barely look after herself or be responsible for anything regarding. she's constantly on edge, plagued by visions of kobble, her mom, the carters, the case, and even when she's distracted, they're always there, at the back of her mind, following her. in addition to that, there've been rumours and talk about her at the bureau since she claimed that the longlegs' case was involved with the supernatural. to her, there was no use in lying. she held hope that someone, anyone would believe her, and after what happened with her mom, she no longer had it in her to lie. for any reason. so, yeah, because of all this, she self-isolates, takes a long period of time off from work, and heads into intensive therapy. honestly, after all this, she might resign from law enforcement completely, for I could definitely see her too traumatized by what happened to deal with more violence, more cases, more terrorized families

honestly her life post-longlegs is filled with trauma and the remnants of what happened, but I'd like to think she eventually heals, because lee really deserves it after everything :/

[overthinkingtaleblr]

This is the guy who runs Poltertoast, you had a tma taleblr au?! Pls pls tell more

I had a TMA Taleblr AU! I developed a lot of it with a close friend who had recently gotten into TMA at the time, and I still think about it a lot tbh. Basically the idea was ‘Taleblr, but the characters bend to the whim of TMA rules’ and was sometimes an exploration of how far things could go. We had a lot of antagonists as Avatars. And a lot of tragic ends…

Here’s some highlights so I don’t just throw the whole plot into your face all at once—

To begin: a part of TMA includes Jon dropping by the states, so if we want them to interact, it happens here. Maybe if he does his world tour earlier in the story, PIE can come back and get involved with the evolving situation right at the end of season 4.

Since the Avatars and other things done by the Fears are basically paranormal, PIE would start their exploration thinking it’s ghosts and stuff and come into a horrific realization as time goes on. By which I mean, similar to Jon, their search for answers has been turning them into the things they’ve been seeking to understand and maybe destroy.

CBF is a creature of the web, one who left a severe impact on Ghost after he survived it as a child. Probably based on the growing anxiety of how a child sees the world and how they may be tricked into allowing bad things to happen thinking it’s friendly.

Similar to Ghost, Spooker is also touched by the Fears before joining PIE. His dad ran a Desolation-based cult that’s boiled over and led to most of the members and some innocent people dying in a fire. One of the members ascended to being an avatar from it, but it still cut their member count down to two. While being touched by the Desolation, Spooker is eventually consumed by the Spiral, becoming an avatar similar to the Distortion.

The Toasts are a bit depressing. Johnny isn’t introduced to the fears until after joining PIE and even then he doesn’t fully understand what they’re chasing. At one point, he encounters a monster that seems to target twins and assumes that means it would be coming for him next, but the Stranger entity takes Gavin instead and the worst part to Johnny is that he didn’t notice the difference. Toast also starts leaning down a Hunt path that he either gets pulled out of or we get a free werewolf.

Entering this world with the least amount of context for anything, Chris’s reaction is to research as much as possible. Seeing as most of the people on the team are avatar-touched or aware that the avatars are willing to talk to them, Chris struggles not to see them as extensions of humans and can’t bring himself to the hunt-y mindset. He likely goes down the path of the Eye instead, learning and learning until that knowledge eats him. It would be funny if he and Jon met early on, agreed on the safety of their shared methods, and then reconnected after said method ate their humanity.

The Unicorns are inside of a Lightner— A ‘the last unicorn’ paperback that makes the reader consider themself.. One of the unicorns. I’m guessing it’s just Stardust in this situation (the book IS titled the LAST unicorn) but part of his goal would likely be making more. In a destructive manner— the book and the unicorn who possesses it are both aligned with the slaughter. in order for Stardust to stay around, the book has to stay open.

Spooker’s niece, Poppy, lives with her desolation-cult grandpa, friends with several young avatars, and a borderline caretaker of the Last Unicorn Lightner. Her alignment is to the fears themselves, and she thinks it’s funny to mess with PIE’s head. (She does not respect them, and kind of sees other humans as food for entities.) She may not be an active threat, but she is dangerous.

Light Zeron and James Maloney have similar stories, being so afraid of something that when they eventually managed to co-exist with their own fear, it made avatars out of them. Light is aligned with the Dark and Maloney to the Vast (bird-themed!), and they’ve both come to enjoy their new jobs, even as they still harbor the fear that fed their entity.

Maloney used to work with Princeton Quagmire, who (if I remember right) was centered around trying to find a way to destroy the entities. They haven’t consumed or taken to him just yet, but Maloney isn’t the first time he lost an employee. His other accomplices at the moment are Jenny Toast and ‘Officer Starbucks’.

Though it freaks her out a bit, Jenny and Maloney stay friends through his transformation. This likely does not bode well for her own fate…

Maxwell is an avatar of the Hunt, Aimee is aligned with the Lonely, and neither of them realize how deep down the rabbit hole they’ve dug themselves. Maxwell just constantly wants revenge, but his definition keeps changing, and Aimee doesn’t understand why she seems to be on a different path to the rest of the world. They’re friends with Poppy— even if they don’t understand what they’ve become, she supports the change.

I don’t remember considering the Acachallas, but Sally could easily embody the End and Spencer could be an incredibly powerful Buried avatar.

To anyone asking “Why were most of them avatars? Why not just kill them?” I like the trope of someone coming back Wrong, and that happens multiple times if the character is basically hollowed out and replaced by an entity of fear.

I might be missing or misremembering some things ^^; but YEAH— that’s the general vibe of the tma AU. I had a story in my head where Jon’s visit to the states was extended by encountering these mfers— including meeting Poppy Soup herself at one point, her being very coy about knowing something that Jon doesn’t, and him being confused about how someone who feels so human knows so much about what’s going on. His interaction with PIE probably devolves into an argument.

+ my old doodle from when i first announced this au

[hamliet]

While I agree that since the 2000s, anti-hero/villain MCs have become more of a thing on TV and that nowadays anti-hero/villain MCs seem to have become more popular (not necessarily the majority, there are still plenty of good/heroic protagonists out there). I think it's important to point out that these characters most of the time still need to have some redeeming qualities for the majority of the audience to connect and get attached to them. I don't know if I'm the best person to explain my own thoughts, but let's try… For example, when I look at Eren and Tony (protagonists that were mentioned before).

Eren is caring, loves his friends, wants to protect them at all costs and wishes them to have happy lives.

Tony, despite everything, has shown to truly love his family and wants himself to live a happy live together with them. Tony also doesn't want his son to inherit the criminal activities that Tony inherited from his own father, he wants his son to have a clean life (and despite being a sociopath, we see Tony in therapy trying to understand his problems and inner demons to improve, be a better father and husband).

That said, I'll be fair here and say that none of these qualities change or justify the crimes and mistakes of both them. Eren Yeager destroyed lands and cruelly murdered thousands of people, In this process he pushed his own father to commit horrible acts and sacrificed his own mother. Not to mention how he betrays and hurts his friends. It is no wonder that at the end of the story it is undeniable that HE is the villain of his universe. Tony Soprano is a bad guy from the very beginning. He's a murderer and manipulator, he feels no remorse in doing any of these things. He's a bad husband who constantly cheats on his wife and rarely give her the emotional support she needs. He is also a bad father, especially to his youngest son. He has difficulty showing the love he feels for his son because he himself grew up in an environment where he was mistreated and rarely received demonstrations of love. Mostly due to Tony's bad parenting, his son grew up to be a depressed adult who attempted suicide.

Ultimately, while I think it's important for these characters to still have redeeming qualities so that the audience can connect with them, what I think that can make these kind of characters so captivating is their complexity. Is the need to dive deeper into these characters to understand them. Why they have those qualities, but at the same time have flaws that can be so contradictory to their qualities. How does this all relate?

I'm not familiar with The Sopranos, but yeah, from what you say I agree. I enjoy complexity in characters and I think it's also very important when writing a serious story--again, genre matters here.

Because as much as we want to "otherize" people who do atrocious, evil, horrific things... they are people. And the irony is that accepting this and seeing ourselves as not fundamentally "better" or "different" is a huge part of not ending up committing or supporting atrocities.

And that said, yeah, superhero stories and fairy tales and many shonens are not aiming to be that heavy, and that's okay. Genre does like... matter here. But there are ways to do complexity and a morally "good" protagonist in genre-appropriate ways too. Ruby Rose from RWBY, Charlie from Hazbin, etc.

[youdontknowhowtodiequietly]

This is mad long, bare with, or don't lmao

TW's for: References to depression, r*pe, a*use towards women, and a bunch of other women rights related issues. I don't go in depth, but they are very much there. Be careful. Look after your mental health, please. Also a smidgen of spoilers for the Barbie movie at the end.

So, this whole tangent began with the Barbie movie. I've wrote all my thoughts down in a notebook, that's how I know what I'm going to type - vaguely. This will seem insane to have come from the Barbie movie, but I think it will hopefully be coherent. (Not like anyone will read this, lol. I am NOT anywhere near popular enough for this to even get a comment but here we go)

Right. A bit of context to my life. Since I was about 14, I have always felt that I am some sort of trans. For a while I thought I was non-binary, then I thought I was gender-fluid, then (a recent development) I thought I was a guy. So, you can imagine the absolute loop I have been thrown through when I realised that what I might have been feeling is internalised, borderline, misogyny.

Wild right? Let me explain.

Since I was 11, I have repeatedly heard the horrors of being female in this world. The rape/murders that happen on a daily basis. The horrors towards women in the past. The continued disregard for female autonomy. The abuse faced at the hands of people who are supposed to protect us. It's all horrific. Not only this, but I have seen, heard, learnt, about the way society completely destroys women. The lack of acknowledgement for the pain of females', the constant dismissal of mental illnesses, physical illnesses and disabilities (this also happens with males, too, I am aware, especially in the mental health department, but this section of this post is about people with the female anatomy.) The blatant disregard towards women who report abusive partners or stalkers is disgusting. (And that is just in 1st World countries where human rights are supposed to be the best. The horrors that happen in other countries are worse, but I am writing about what I know. I cannot say anything about other countries other than I know that there are some truly atrocious things happening to women in a lot of them because I am not educated on those situations. But believe me, I see it.) I see people AFAB lament the horrors of having the female anatomy. The wish to not have periods, or a uterus at all. The constant pressure put on women to look a certain way all the time. To not be too thin or too fat, not have too much hair but have enough that it doesn't look like you're trying too hard, etc. Honestly, the Gloria speech in Barbie is the best one I have ever heard about what it's like to be a woman. I see people expressing disgust at pregnancies, how they never wish to have one because it'll make them look ugly, or because of the complications that come with it. I have seen it, and do see it, all. For the past 7 years I have seen it all.

Can you imagine how much that has f-ed me up? I'm sure you can, because I'm sure it's also true for a lot of you.

All of this has made me hate the idea of being a woman.

When I was in my early years of high school (I'm in the UK and we start high school at 11 and finish at 16) I always said how I would "love to be a boy" because I always saw it as easier. I hated being a girl because everything was so shit. And that carried on into my later years of high school.

As I was introduced to the wonderful different gender identities that exist, I began reading and hearing stories of how trans/non-binary/gender-fluid, etc, people felt before they realised they were what they are. And I thought, "oh, damn. That me." So I began experimenting with labels. But even whilst I did that, whilst I played around with pronouns, names, hairstyles, clothing, I always felt this deep want to wear pretty dresses and have long hair. But I rejected those wants because I was "trans/non-binary/gender-fluid now and if I want those things then I can't be any of those." Which, yes, I know, is very binary of me. I understand that anyone can wear pretty dresses and skirts and have ling, flowy hair that they place sparkly pins in. I know. But you have to understand how damn difficult it is to ignore the stuff you have been taught all your life. I wanted to be called she/her but at the same time rejected those feelings because the thought of being a woman made me sick.

But then I watched the Barbie movie.

Now, I don't remember my childhood much. I don't know if it was what you would call "traditional girlhood." But I know it was good. And I know many AFAB have experienced horrendous childhoods, which hurts me to think about every time. But when I saw the ending of the Barbie movie. When the videos of those girls and women were playing. I felt something in me. I'm sure you've all heard different renditions of how the montage made women feel, and a lot of them is how I would describe how I felt. So, I won't get into it. But just know I felt a shift in me.

As well as that montage, other things in the movie got to me. The inherent femininity of it, for one. I know from discussions with other people, and from seeing many videos/blogs online, that what I'm going to mention is a common experience for a lot of AFAB. I hated the colour pink. Despised it. I only very very recently, before the Barbie movie, began admitting that the colour wasn't so bad. But the Barbie movie made me think that, omg, I might actually love the colour. Alongside the colour pink, I loved the outfits of the Barbies'. They were so freeing to see. As I wrote previously, I wanted to wear pretty skirts and dresses and have pretty hairstyles, but always refused to acknowledge that. Seeing the Barbies' in their overtly feminine clothing (again, I know I'm leaning into gender binary but please give me some slack. It's hard to write when you're not a novelist) made me feel giddy. I saw them and was like "pretty pretty pretty" and not just because all the women were beautiful lmao. It lit up a spark of joy in me seeing them dress in those clothes. That's how I can best describe my feelings. I just suddenly felt that I could wear those things. Weird, huh?

Another thing in the movie is the portrayal of happy older women.

This again links with the video montage, but also links with the old lady at the beginning of the movie saying she knows she's beautiful, with Ruth Handler being so gentle with Stereotypical Barbie and not ridiculing her for being stupid or naive. It also links with Gloria. I freaking loved Gloria. All of these portrayals made me so happy because it gave me a sudden sense of hope that I will be okay one day.

As someone with severe depression and probably autism/ADHD, who doesn't remember not being depressed, that really spoke to me. These women were happy. They were okay with themselves. No, the LOVED themselves. It was beautiful.

This movie healed me, just a bit, and let me make the first real steps to healing fully. I'm still not 100% sure about my gender identity, but tbh I don't quite care. I'm starting to wear makeup often, starting to take care of my body better. I also bought a cute little Stitch dress lmao, and a white, frilly tank-top with purple flowers on it. I'm embracing my feminine side and I've never felt more free.

It's a wonderful feeling. I'm surprised myself that this all came from a Barbie movie. But, at the same time, I think I was beginning to realise this about myself before the movie. Having finished college and not needing to worry about Uni as I'm not going has given me the freedom to actually look at myself, internally, and ask "what do I feel?" Again, linking back to the Barbie movie when Ruth says, "Take my hands...Now, feel." And I have done. I've asked what my brain needs, and it's full of pretty dresses and pretty hairstyles and warmth and a want to live again.

I'm aware that this may seem silly to a lot of people. Maybe even childish. But I don't care. And that's a lot for an 18 year old to say, because many people my age, and older, do care. A lot.

This has just been an introspection, but I chose to share it because maybe it will help other people.

(Also, heavy disclaimer if you got this far. I don't know what terms are still used now, or how they're used. And writing about girl/womanhood and femininity whilst also trying to be inclusive to those who have the female anatomy but don't identify as a woman, and those who don't have the female anatomy but identify as women is very difficult. So, I deeply apologise if I used the term AFAB wrong, or if it is no longer an accepted term. Also, if anything else in this post is wrong/offensive or incorrect, again I'm sorry. Please let me know what is wrong and how to fix it and I will do my best to edit this post with the updated terminology/fixes.)

[theintrepidfreelancer]

Latest Marvel Film Focuses on Mental Health

Marvel’s latest cinematic venture, Thunderbolts*, opens up with the line “There's something... wrong with me. An emptiness. I thought it started when my sister died, but now it feels like something bigger. Just a... void.”

This line should tell viewers that this is not just another run-of-the-mill superhero.

Directed by Jake Schreier, Thunderbolts* eschews the typical high-octane action sequences, bombastic music scores, and never-ending jokes and one-liners that make up most Marvel films, instead focusing on a quieter, character-driven film that focuses on the traumas and issues of the main cast, and their struggles to find a purpose in their lives and a reason to keep living.

The film's ensemble cast gives amazing performances, with each actor nailing the traumas and issues afflicting their characters. Florence Pugh gives an understated yet emotional performance as Yelena Belova, who is suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from her horrific childhood and depression from her sister’s death.

Pugh delivers her with the hopelessness, irritability, and tired energy that is all too common with depression, while utilizing enough energy and emotions in her role to make it clear that she is not phoning her performance in.

Sebastian Stan continues to shine in his performance as former assassin Bucky Barnes, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus gives a gloriously despicable performance as the self-serving, narcisistic Valentina Allegra de Fontaine.

However, the standout performance in the film is Lewis Pullman as Bob Reynolds, also known as the Sentry. A controversial character amongst comic book fans, Pullman had the challenge of playing a character who is simultaneously the emotional center of the film and a dangerous, unpredictable threat more powerful than all of the Avengers.

Despite these challenges, Pullman excels at portraying Bob’s mental health issues in a sympathetic light, which can be relatable to people who suffer from depression, cognitive disorders or split personalities.

Pullman also has the challenge of portraying Reynold’s darker persona, The Void, an alternate personality created from his abusive childhood and history of drug abuse and an unspecified mental disorder.

An allegorical character, The Void is a representation of mankind’s darker thoughts and feelings, feeding off of people’s depression and feelings of uselessness, calling them to stop living and give in to the darkness and trapping them within a literal prison of their worst memories, greatest shames, and darkest thoughts.

Void also pleasures himself in torturing Bob, telling him that he is a useless failure with no friends or loved ones, and that he will always make things worse for people around, and tries to goad him into destroying both of them in the climax of the film.

The film also chooses to avert the typical superhero movie third act, choosing to focus on an intimate, emotional journey literally into the center of Bob’s mind. The day is saved not through violence and fighting, but through people understanding one another’s traumas, realizing they are not alone and accepting themselves and each other for who they all, warts and all.

For anyone who has suffered from mental health issues, the final act of the film should be a cathartic experience in how it handles these themes. Rather than magically solve everyone’s issues, the film highlights how many of their problems are a cycle of pain that the characters tend to repeat.

The film highlights how the struggles that people focus on in life are not guaranteed to get easier, but things can get easier if people let others in on their problems and are willing to open themselves up to others. People need to remember that they are not alone and that there are people out there who will love them for who they are.

[wonviiii]

Barefoot Gen -Blog #7

At the very beginning of the film, the main protagonist’s father encapsulates the essence of the entire plot with a rather simple metaphor about wheat. Wheat begins its life in the coldest season, enduring the pounding rain, the howling wind, and the trampling of feet. Yet, it spreads its roots and perseveres until the very end. This mirrors the suffering of Hiroshima’s survivors- as ordinary as they may seem (like wheat)- who were forced to endure starvation, radiation from the bombs, and the loss of loved ones. However, they try their best to persevere and keep going, which can especially be seen through Gen’s character, who just keeps pushing forward despite the horrors he has seen and the horrors he has to go through. While this perfectly encapsulates the human spirit, it also shows a critique. Just as wheat is cut down, so too are the many innocent lives. Wheat grows and is cut down; humans grow and wither away. Construction and deconstruction. To destroy and to create anew. This theme struck a chord with me as it is interesting to see the human will to survive even in a destroyed world. To reconstruct what has been destroyed or, in the case of the perpetrators, to destroy what has already been constructed. It’s a never-ending cycle, it seems. 

On the other hand, the desperation of war is also heavily emphasized which can be captured in scenes such as the grown men fighting over a bowl of soup, families wasting away from malnutrition (Gen’s for example), and children singing military songs with unwavering enthusiasm as they cannot truly understand the more intricate meaning of the songs. This innocence and desensitization of the horrors of what war truly is is also crucial in understanding the plot. No matter how many times war is taught and displayed as horrific, people don’t truly understand what it is because they haven’t directly experienced the horrors themselves. This can be seen when Gen wakes up in a barren wasteland after the atomic bomb was dropped, and his first reaction is something along the lines of “Guess they finally decided to bomb us.” However, as he searches through the ruins, he realizes the true weight of his words. His father, sister, and younger brother are trapped beneath the debris. His mother is attempting to free them in vain. His father, knowing there is no hope, commands Gen to take care of his mother and unborn sibling and run. The horrors are beyond words, and the true cost of war is paid by those who had no say in it. The suffering does not end with the explosion; rather, it intensifies. Survivors stagger through the city, covered in burns, crying for help that will never come. People throw themselves into the river to escape the flames and end up dying from the radioactive waters. Black rain also begins to fall, sealing everyone's overall fate. Soldiers, desensitized to death, burn corpses en masse, treating human beings as little more than trash. It’s a mess…a downright horrid yet realistic mess. 

What blows my mind is that it took two bombs- two unspeakable tragedies- before the warlords finally relented and stood up from their self-righteous and safe thrones and decided to look at their own subjects who were suffering at their hands. Two. With each encapsulating several deaths too big to name. To them, the people of Hiroshima and Nagasaki were mere sacrifices, statistics in their pursuit of pride and power. However, despite the overwhelming despair and emphasized terror displayed in the movie, Barefoot Gen insists on the necessity of survival. This can especially be seen in the scene where Gen grows unresponsive and depressed over his younger sister’s death. The crushing weight of failure as he could not keep his father’s final promise before he died. But then, amidst the devastation, he sees wheat beginning to grow. The same cycle is looping in and of itself from the very first scene of the film. Gen is then reminded of his father’s advice: to grow strong, to endure, and to not let anything break you. This scene really reminded me of the film All Quiet On the Western Front, where the soldiers entering battle and picking up the corpses' name tags loop from the beginning scene to the ending scene. A never-ending cycle of destruction and construction. In the final scene, Gen sends off a small boat, fulfilling a promise made to his lost young brother before the bomb fell. The boat carries his mother’s, adopted brother’s, and his wishes- amongst countless others, which is depicted through the use of a multitude of lanterns flowing down the river. As it drifts down, it becomes a powerful symbol of remembrance, hope, and a human need to reconstruct what has been destroyed.

Barefoot Gen is not just a war story; it is a critique of those who wage war while protecting themselves from its consequences in their golden thrones. It is a commentary about how the innocent always suffer, while those in power manipulate and sacrifice them without hesitation. Yet, it is also a story of resilience, of the endless cycle of destruction and reconstruction. War may reduce cities to nothing but ashes, but as long as there are people like Gen, like his mother, like the wheat growing amidst the ruins, humanity will endure. The bigger question in this anime then lies in...will we ever learn? Are we doomed to let history repeat itself, always focusing on destruction before reconstruction?