#Crack post

[sayangrafayel]

Xavier: When I'm around you, I kind of feel like I'm on drugs.

MC:

Xavier: Not that I do drugs! Unless you do drugs, in which case I do them all the time.

MC:

Xavier: All of them.

[aripxtatonz]

driftcells toxic yaoi edition

[kuros-spice-of-life]

So I have a head cannon that Darry and soda will just catch Purly doing the most random things at the most absurd times of night and call Tim to come get him. They're all tired of it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim Shepard would say his night was going pretty smoothly. Angela and Curly had retreated to their bedrooms about three hours ago. Now he was sat in the living room with the TV playing low. He wasn't exactly focused on what was playing, more just background noise while he got lost in his thoughts.

Then the phone rang.

He groaned as he stretched, getting up from his chair and walking over to the landline to pick up the call. Who ever calls at the hour? It was probably somewhere around 1am. If this clan wasn't important, he was maming whoever it was.

Picking up the phone from the receiver, he could instantly hear the sound of a scuffle in the background. The unmistakable noise of two people fighting and what sounded like someonr trying to break them up.

Raising a brow at the noise, he finally decided to address who ever was on the other line

"Hello?"

"Timothy. Fucking. Shepard. "

Oh! That was definitely Darrel Curtis on the other line. And he was using his full name. And sounded ready to kill someone. And it was 1am. And he was calling Tim. What the fuck.

"Darry? What the hell are you doing calling me at the a-"

"If you don't come get your demon child RIGHT NOW I will personally make sure you NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN!"

Tims mouth was hanging open like a fish out of water as he was interrupted. That was certainly a... Declaration...

Listening closer at the yelling in the background, he could hear one distinct voice.

Curly.

Fuck.

He groaned, running a hand down his face and fighting back the urge to punch the walk right then and there

"Ya, ya I'll be there in a few"

"Good"

Before he could get anything else in, the line went dead.

How did his life come to this?

Opening the door to the Curtis household at 2am (thanks to it always being unlocked) was a sight to see. Darry was standing in the kitchen looking all but ready to die in the spot and like he hadn't slept in five years, Sodapop was sitting on the couch with bruises on his face and his arms crossed, not looking at anyone. And the youngest Curtis was sitting on the couch, looking like his mind was already on a different planet and covered in cigarette burns.

And then there was his kid brother, looking all to smug for being covered in bruises and latching onto Ponyboy and actively biting on his shoulder like some piranha. He had caught the kid biting a lot of things before. Clothes, plastic, metal, himself, but really? The Curtis kid?

"Caught those two playing chicken on the roof"

Hearing Darry speak just solidifies his theory that he was ready to die that instant. And honestly?

Tim was in the same boat.

[sonofcurz]

We, as a fandom, don't appreciate enough how emo Abaddon is, even before the whole "i hate dad" phase, he has the constant vibe of an angsty teenager who thinks his dad and friends are embarrassing, and don't get me started on the screaming match he had with Horus in Horus rising, like, we get it you're hardcore.

[ashlynxreal]

R u even a Tumblr sexyman if people aren't shipping you with reigen arataka?

[emolionsrawr]

so, dorian, our favourite door, has a door knob, and genitalia...

dorian quite literally has a knob

do you... do you think he calls it a knob knob???? DOES HE CALL IT A KNOB KNOB????

"hey sweetheart, you're looking absolutely stunning on your knees for me, want to be good for me and suck my knob knob?"

i fear i have thought of something to cursed but me and my friend had been cry laughing at this for a good ten minutes now

[draeshroomer]

I ship this so hard and idk why. I feel like they fit together

[gay-shrimp-eaters]

why the heck do we say cats are the opposite of dogs. when it comes to the huge variety of weird stuff in the animal kingdom, cats and dogs are relatively similar. if i had to think of an animal on the opposite side of the "animal spectrum" as a dog i would be normal and choose a jellyfish or something

[foerchen]

IN THE BATCAVE

Bruce: *sitting at Batcomputer minding his own business*

Jason: *getting ready for patrol*

Dick: *asks nicely*

Dick: Jay, could you hand me my escrimas?

Jason: *deadpans*

Jason: Go get them yourself, Dickface.

Tim: *walks in*

Tim: Jason, could you toss me my bo staff, please?

Jason: *no hesitation, tosses Tim his bo staff*

Dick: *shooketh*

Dick: Why do you help him and not me??? I'm your big bro, Little Wing!

Jason: Middle children have to stay together.

Dick: *confused af because Jay and Tim are his only brothers*

Tim: *curious*

Bruce: *frozen before turning around slowly*

Dick: Jason, you're the only middle child... right?

Jason: *laughs nervously*

Jason: Oh, would you look at that! Crime Alley is calling my name!

Jason: *runs*

---

SOMEWHERE IN NANDA PARBAT

Damian: *sneezes*

Damian: Somebody mentioned me.

---

LATER THAT EVENING

Talia: *on the phone with Bruce*

Talia: What! Me?! Hide a child of yours?!

Talia: *looks at Damian and a picture of Jason*

Talia: Never, Beloved.

[sweeneydino]

Red.

It was supposed to be funny but it got depressing-

So i added text

Its still kinda sad…

[sayangrafayel]

Childhood trio Pt. MC's birthday (flashback when they were x/12/14 years old)

The boys are preparing for MC's birthday party. Zayne is in decoration committee and Caleb is on snacks. Caleb walks in to see the half inflated balloons on the table and a rather dull decoration

Caleb: Are you kidding?

Zayne, still decorating: I'm not done yet.

Caleb, picks up a balloon: Zayne. This fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown them up enough. And why have you chosen brown and grey balloons?

Zayne: They match the carpet.

Caleb: What is that? [Caleb points to a banner] "It is your birthday, period."

Zayne: It's a statement of fact.

Caleb: Not even an exclamation point?

Zayne: This is more professional!

Caleb: I can't believe how bad this is.

Zayne: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal lands.

Caleb: Okay good then.

Zayne: Have you collected the money from everyone?

Caleb: I am working on it.

Zayne: How much do you have?

Caleb: Six dollars.

Zayne: That's how much you and I contributed! Damn it, Caleb!

The banner:

[abcdfghjklmpqrobin]

"Dick should be the next Batman", "Cass should be the next Batman", "Damian should be the next–" "Tim–"

What if they're all Batman? What if no one actually wants to be Batman, so they just form a circle every night before patrol and throw the cowl at each other like a game of hot potato. Last to catch it is it. Or hurl it up in the air and see in whose head it lands on?

What then?

[faramirsonofgondor]

AU where the mayor of Gotham retires or dies or something, and the Batsiblings decide it would be funny if they ran for mayor. Except they don’t run as their civilian identities, but as they’re vigilante ones.

Dick won’t stop pouting because the people of Gotham refuse to vote for someone from Bludhaven, Tim is incredibly offended that he ends up tied with Dick for last place, Damian is smug that he beat Tim and indignant that people refuse to vote for him because he’s “a child”, and Jason preens but is internally panicking as more and more people vote for him. He wins by a landslide.

His first act as mayor is to increase Bruce Wayne’s taxes. His second is to ban Lex Luthor from entering the city. Someone tries to tell him it’s illegal to do that and he just… walks away. Eventually he starts to get a hang of this whole mayor thing and ends up working with Wayne Enterprises to strengthen housing and construction in poorer neighborhoods, he gives teachers raises, encourages trade school and alternative routes for henchmen, he adds diversity and inclusivity courses to public schools, safety programs and gas masks are made more accessible, and he reinforces the security and integrity of Arkham.

Of course there are still times where he misuses his power a little bit, but it’s never anything serious and most Gothamites watch in amusement as the scene unfolds.

Like just imagine:

Jason, dressed as RH: You’re not allowed in, you know what you did.

Dick, standing outside the Gates of Gotham, giving his best pouty expression in his Nightwing gear: Please, Hood! I promised Robin I would take him to the zoo after patrol!

Jason: You should’ve thought about that before you ate the last cookie Agent A made.

Dick, now wailing: This is abuse of power! Cruel and unusual punishment! I demand a lawyer!

Of course there are also the times when Jason decides to do something nice for his siblings, except it just ends up confusing the fuck out of everyone else in Gotham. On Dick’s birthday, he announces that there is now an Official Animal of Gotham, and most people are expecting a bat, or maybe a bird, or hell even a crocodile. Everyone except for Dick, Bruce, and Alfred are confused when it ends up being an elephant instead. Jason also decides to unveil plans for a Gotham Animal Sanctuary on the same exact day. Everyone is even more surprised when Nightwing jumps on Hood, entrapping him in an octopus hug as their mayor flails around trying to pry him off. It doesn’t work and Batman has to pick Dick up by the scruff of his neck to get him off.

There are also some of the odder, but somewhat sensible laws that are passed. Condiments are banned during the holidays and in schools (Condiment King could be heard sobbing throughout Gotham when this proclamation aired). No one is allowed to dress as clowns for any circumstance. The sewers are off limits to everyone except maintenance/construction workers, who must carry guns on them at all times. Lex Luthor’s birthday becomes Gotham’s Official “Fuck Lex Luthor Day”.

Then comes Jason’s most popular decision to date, he has The Joker reassessed mentally, and when he’s found as sane he pushes for the death penalty to be given (not that he really needed to - it was going in that direction already). He almost expects an angry lecture or fight with Bruce to occur, but Bruce just looks at him and says, quietly, “You’ve done a beautiful job, son, I couldn’t be more proud.”

[olailamajnoon]

Dick, on the phone: *leans away* Clark says hi, guys.

Tim: Hi!

Jason: Hi.

Cassandra: Hi.

Stephanie: Hi.

Duke: Hi!

Damian: Hi.

Dick, on the phone: Clark they all say hi back.

Bruce to himself, so done: Truly a pinnacle of human communication. I say something they ignore me, but it's all 'hi' like synchronized idiots when it comes to Clark.

Clark, faintly audible: Bruce I heard that.

[justusingthistwice]

Damian, trying out some new slang that Jon taught him: Tt. You aren't as sigma as you think you are.

Jason, that just happened to be passing by: I already know you suffered brain damage as a baby. You don't have to remind me every time you open your mouth.

[azalea-blooming]

my favorite crack-y hc is that tim did not give a shit the red hood was jason. that's the red hood, he's a rogue, if he won't be rehabilitated then he has to be incarcerated. they have a job to do.

obviously this is completely unrealistic, but it's funny as fuck

bruce: "son, I'm sorry. come home."

jason: "i'm not your son."

tim: "you're going to compromise our identities, batman. stop yelling your family drama for everyone to hear. do i need to put you through [insert invasive contingency/protocol hear] to make sure you aren't compromised? we have a job to do."

jason: "you hear that, old man? stop yelling your family drama-"

tim: "you too, red hood. you used to be a bat. that's what you're always yelling about, right? so obviously you have to go through the protocols just like any other bat. if you claim you're not a bat anymore, then you shouldn't have been yelling about it, and the protocols wouldn't have been necessary. get in the batmobile, hood."

he proceeds to put both jason and bruce in the back seat and drive them himself. not the self driving function. he drives it manually, to assert dominance.