#Either way... apparently I find breaking up with him as bad as dying and losing my save file cuz honestly... yeah. 🤣

[neckromancy]

Sorry it's not necessarily self ship related, but it's kind-of hilarious that the only time I risked a 'save scum' in BG3 Honour Mode* was when I was not in a life/death scenario, but because I accidentally broke up with Astarion (misclick).

I could have corrupted my save file and lose everything so far, because I had to try to see if I could save the situation.

I ended up only losing an hour of gameplay and saved my relationship. Stressful in the moment, but gave me a chuckle afterwards.

*Honour mode: hardest game mode where you only have 1 save file, closing the game autosaves, and if your party dies it's game over: it's hardcore and what I did should not have been possible

[hannahwatcheshorror]

MALIGNANT (2021)

💁‍♀️Strong Female Lead

James Wan seemed a bit self indulgent with this one but otherwise it was very fun and heartwarming by the end. 

⭐⭐⭐⭐.5

Trigger Warning Domestic Violence, Pregnancy Loss, Seizure, Rape Mention

We meet the very pregnant Madison who gets into a verbal fight with her husband and then a physical altercation with him which was not cool. She locks herself in the bedroom with a head wound (yikes) and he sleeps on the couch. (Also, Maddy works in the field of healthcare so I have no idea how she went to sleep with a bleeding head wound but okay movie magic) Not too late into the evening does the husband find himself being haunted by something spooky that kills him and then seems to be coming for Maddy. In all the fuss she loses the baby which is of course devastating. In one night she loses both her husband and her baby (sad!). 

So she comes back to her house after the apparent home invasion because she refuses to let them take her home from her too but doesn’t have the common sense to lock the doors when she showers at night? Because when she realizes that the shadow man is in the street she has to run down the stairs to lock the front door and close the curtains and then when she goes for the back door it is already open. At this point you would think Mads wants to die. I couldn’t believe it! Then she runs upstairs and locks the door after hearing noises and tells herself that it is nothing and that it is all in her head and I literally said out loud “You don’t know that!” because it could just be a regular fella right now coming in off the street to kill her, she is being SO DUMB ALREADY and it hasn’t even been half an hour. I am perplexed by this character and her actions. ANYWAY.

People keep dying and Madison is having visions about them but she is also mysteriously involved with them in her childhood (like how she was adopted). When she has these visions she is paralyzed though (important to note). She tells the police about her wacky visions and that her old imaginary friend, Gabriel, was killing people, even one officer gets attacked by a strange backwards man but no forward progress is made. Actually things come to a head when they find a lady in Maddy's attic as well as the murder weapon… Dun dun dun! But I don’t know why the one detective thinks Mads is the killer, Kekoa literally got his ass beat and nearly killed by a backwards man but he still thinks that Maddy could be the culprit, that’s hilarious. (yeah, absolutely outrageous)

While Mads is in jail, her sister does some digging and God bless that she goes to the abandoned mental facility with no bolt cutters. I mean, it is in the script that she gets in, but let’s be honest with ourselves and know she might encounter some locked fences or doors on her way to her goal. She gets the files and videos they need and everything is even rewound for them. They find out that, plot twist, Gabriel is Madison's conjoined twin! They tried to cut him off of her but he just compressed himself within her and it took the domestic violence earlier to break him out of skull jail (this is why the back of Maddy's head is always bleeding). Back at the jailhouse Gabriel taps in and busts up the pack of bad jail babes and they were terrified to see Gabriel come out of the back of Madison's head (as they should have been, he promptly murdered them all with extreme prejudice). Gabe works his way to a guard, gets the keys, breaks out of jail, but doesn’t hand back the controls to Maddy which is a big problem because Madison hasn’t learned how to wake up when Gabe is controlling her. 

Gabe, now obviously in Madison's backwards body, is just slaying every cop he sees. It is sort of amazing, I am having The Crow flashbacks what with all the dramatic hair and the dramatic cloak and the dramatic action. Either way Gabriel killed all the cops but the main ones we liked (thanks, guy). Then we are in the hospital with Gabe and Mads real mom who gave them up for adoption way back when. Gabriel is ready to end things, he also wants to end Madison's “new” sister who she chose over him and Maddy is trying desperately to wake up and take control of her body. Then her sister drops the biggest bomb, GABRIEL WAS FEEDING OFF MADISON'S FETUS’ TO GAIN STRENGTH FOR HIS RETURN, WHAT AN ASSHOLE. This is enough for Maddy to power through, push out Gabe, take back over and save the day! Gabe goes into mind jail, he says he will break out and Maddy says she doesn’t care, it is the most sibling argument ever. It ends with the two sisters hugging because the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

----------------------HANNAH WATCHES HORROR---------------------

[sabo-has-my-heart]

For the 750 follower event:

10. Waiting together in a small shop for the horrible storm to calm down and the electricity to work again definitely brings people closer together. + 5. “I can’t stop thinking about you, no matter how hard I try not to.” + Usopp with a male reader?

(More of a premise, if you want to go with it: Reader has been slowly falling for Usopp for a while now, but is nervous about messing things up with his best friends. And then they get stuck in a shop waiting for the storm to pass and the lights to come back on, and the staff have fucked off to take a break, so its just him and Usopp, and it's just... nice, listening to Usopp talk, telling stories by candle light. And then maybe things go to a confession and a kiss from there...? 👀)

Anyway, thank you 💛🍰

Hey! thanks for sending this in! I don't have much on Usopp so it's always interesting to write for him. I hope you like it.

Warnings: Male!Reader, love confessions, male x male romance

Word Count: 1245

     He’d been your closest friend since you’d joined his circle of friends. It had started out fairly simple, an accidental run in at a small shop. It was one he, apparently, frequented. It had been funny, listening to him make up an excuse, telling you some grandiose lie. You hadn’t called him out on it, but you were pretty sure he knew that you knew he was lying. From there, things had just fallen into place, inviting you to meet his friends, growing closer to him… crushing on him. Was he the most honest of sorts? No. but he was sweet, kind, funny, interesting, and his stories, while obvious lies, were always entertaining. You desperately wanted to ask him out, often finding yourself daydreaming about him, but each time you thought about asking him out a nagging voice in the back of your head stopped you. What if you messed things up? What if he hated you? What if he was disgusted by you? What if, what if, what if. It scared you, you’d rather hide your feelings away just to stay by his side than risk losing him. At least this way, he was still your friend. 

     Walking down the isles of the same small store, you glanced out the window, the weather hadn’t been too bad when you’d gotten here, strong winds and fairly heavy rain, sure, but nothing that you couldn’t deal with. Now, however, it looked almost like a typhoon outside. You could see trees bending under the heavy wind, trunks threatening to snap, you could hear the windows rattling in their frames. Looking over at Usopp, you sighed.

     “We should stick here for a while, until the storm passes. There’s no way it’s safe to go out in that.” you said, gesturing to the storm just outside the window. Usopp’s nervous laugh made you smile slightly as he tried to stand up tall and look confident.

     “Are you kidding? I’ve faced heavier storms when I was little! You couldn’t blow me away with weak gusts of wind like that! But I suppose if you’d prefer to stay here, I don’t mind. The great Usopp will make sure you’re safe!” he said, trying to look brave. You just smiled and shook your head, finding his tough guy act adorable.

     “I’d like that, thanks. Storms are way scarier when you’re alone.” you said casually, as if he was doing you a huge favor by staying. It was somewhat true. You did want him to stay and storms could be scarier if you were alone, but you also didn’t want either of you to attempt going outside, didn’t want either of you to get hurt. The lights overhead flickered before dying, leaving the two of you in the dark as the employee behind the counter started grumbling.

     “Usopp! Hold down the fort! I ain’t workin in the damned dark!” the man said, heading towards the back. To do what, you could only guess. 

     “So uh, it’s just you and me now, huh?” you asked, rubbing your arm nervously.

     “Yeah, but don’t worry! They have candles on the next aisle. I’ll pay them back later.” Usopp said, easily navigating you around the store, lighting a couple of candles so you could see. 

     “Thanks, I don’t hate the dark or anything, but it’s more comforting to have a little light during a storm.” you said, grabbing one of the stools from the other side of the counter and sitting down. 

     “Even if you were, I could protect you from anything that might try to hurt you. I once took down a lion twice the size of a normal lion!” he said, making you laugh. 

     “That must have been amazing. I bet everyone was impressed.” you said, humoring him as he went into another tale of his ‘amazing adventures’. Honestly, you could listen to his stories for hours… or days… weeks? Months…. Years? Your entire life maybe? The thought pulled you out of his latest story, simply staring at him for a moment. Your entire life? You could just sit here with him, listening to him talk, listen to his stories, just spend time with him for your entire life? To be honest, you’d never considered the idea. How could you when you were too nervous to confess? Too worried about ruining your friendship.

     “Hey, Y/n! What’re you thinking about?” Usopp asked, noticing that you were no longer paying attention. You stared at him for a moment, not entirely certain what to say.

     “You.” you said softly, staring into his eyes.

     “W-what?” Usopp asked, his cheeks starting to turn pink. Had he heard you right? 

     “You, I’m thinking about you, Usopp. I…I can’t stop thinking about you…no matter how hard I try not to.” you admitted, looking away from him. This was it, this was where he would reject you, where he’d tell you that you’d ruined a perfectly good friendship. 

     “You’re… please tell me you’re not joking, Y/n.” Usopp said, starting to fidget, looking away as well.

     “I… I’m not joking. Usopp, I… I like you, a lot.” you said, rubbing your arm nervously. 

     “Why not say something sooner? I uh, you’re really, I mean… ahem… the great Usopp would never turn down someone as spectacular as yourself.” he said boldly, falling back on his usual grandiose claims. You chuckled and shook your head, smiling at him.

     “I’m not sure if you’re serious or if you’re joking around like always. Please, Usopp. Be straight with me, do you like me back or not?” you asked, swallowing hard.

     “I, o-of course I do. Like I just said, you’re spectacular.” Usopp muttered, stuffing his hands in his pockets, looking away again. You sighed in relief, still smiling.

     “So I… haven’t ruined our friendship?” you asked, feeling less and less nervous by the minute.

     “Of course not! Even if I didn’t like you back, we could still be friends! Not that I don’t like you back, because I do, I’m just saying.” he said, slight panic in his voice. You just laughed, grinning like an idiot as you looked back at him.

     “I get what you’re saying.” you said, stopping him from rambling on.

     “Oh, that’s great. So uh… since, you know, you like me and I like… I like you, would you like to maybe go get something to eat after this? N-not as friends but as, ahem, as more?” he asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

     “As your boyfriend?” you half teased, enjoying the blush that spread across his entire face.

     “Y-yeah. I mean, if you want.” he said, glancing at you before looking away again.

     “Yeah, I’d like that… come here, there’s something I want to show you.” you said, enjoying how cute he looked as his head tilted to the side. Usopp leaned closer, his eyes widening when you grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him into a kiss. You normally weren’t so bold, but after telling Usopp how you felt and not being rejected, you were feeling really good. You weren’t sure when either of you had closed your eyes, only that when you did, the lights were on again, making you laugh. Looking out the window, you smiled, the wind and rain having let up.

     “We should get out of here before the storm decides to change its mind and start back up. Grabbing his hand and pulling him out of the store, still grinning like an idiot.

[tinyyoungblood]

hi!! adore your work love. could you maybe do smth where stark!reader has to get her wisdom teeth out but HATES the dentist so she brings her boyf peter and her dad w her?? and then when they get home the avengers are all waiting with like comical amounts of flowers and stuffed animals and then reader says some funny shiii and thor thinks she’s like dying lol. idk if that made sense but i’m getting my wisdom teeth out soon and i’m scared😭 thank u so so much love u babe

pairing: peter parker x stark!reader

a/n: tysm lovely :,) i rushed through this like my life depended on it, but i hope i’m not too late. either way, i hope you’re okay! it’s frightening but those bad boys gotta go because we don’t need that kind of energy in our lives. enjoy x

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

wisdom teeth? more like wisdoom

y/n has to get her wisdom teeth removed and it’s the singular most dreadful thing she’s ever had to do, which says a lot because her dad is tony richling stark

doing dreadful things she doesn’t want to do but still somehow end up doing just because she can is a personality trait at this point

no one really makes a big deal out of it since ~death~ is part of their job description, but y/n is terrified

and when a stark is terrified the only thing that will keep them one step from insanity is researching the hell out of it

that information will be info dumped into every conversation for the next few weeks leading up to the appointment

“y/n you need anything from the store?” "no thanks, did you know the side effects of getting your wisdom teeth out include ✨sudden death or blood clots✨ tho” “……..i have a coupon?”

the day of the appointment, peter comes along and literally doesn’t let go of y/n’s hand. he keeps touching her to let her know that he’s there and it’s so. adorable

he would rest his hand on her knee, gently stroke her back while holding her, or just play with her hair

happy drops them off and he’s too Cool™ for emotions but he knows y/n’s a wreck, so he just fist bumps her with a single nod and she almost breaks down bc it’s really affectionate

y/n is sitting in the dentist chair and genuinely nothing is happening yet, but she’s squeezing peter’s hand like it’s a sponge

peter might have a high pain tolerance but he’s in pain pain and he prays that his hand won’t just explode on him

the dentist notices how peter tries to keep it together and chuckles

“you okay there, son?” “yea it’s fine, had a better time when a building fell on me tho haha” “pardon?” “oh i mean i didn’t have a good time, i just had a better time”

because y/n is running Anxious Town™, the dentist gives her a sedative to help her relax 

plus, an injection of local anaesthetic to numb the tooth and surrounding area

she doesn’t feel anything and it’s GREAT

the procedure is quicker than expected and now the real fun begins

she tries to walk but she falls down so peter scoops her up bridal style and happy stays glued at her side

y/n doesn’t mind although she literally doesn’t recognise them and they’re practically strangers to her

but girly sees an opportunity and tries to flirt with peter bc why wouldn’t she

“you’re pretty” *blushes* “why thanks” “you should let your girlfriend know” “i should let her know i’m pretty?” “so you do have a gf? :(” “yea it’s you” “:)”

they stop for gas and peter goes in to get some water for y/n, and in her infinite wisdom, she decides it’s burger time

her mouth is completely numb and she’s practically leaving a trail of drool behind her, but she’d kill for a burger right now

so she wobbles around aimlessly for an hour on some random parking lot as if the ground might just magically open up like a rabbit hole and lead her to five guys

she’s going places. not back to the car. definitely not five guys. they’re closed. but places

peter finally finds her and he’s drenched from head to toe in sweat. he doEsn’T wAnt tO tALk abOut iT tho so she lets him take her to subway instead

normally, she would know that peter’s usual subway order is bread-lettuce-jalapeño

but in her drugged-up state, it had simply slipped her mind so now she’s staring at him like he’d just murdered someone right in front of her

“that- that’s your order?? no meat or anything just bread, lettuce, and a little spice?”

meanwhile at the compound, sam and steve are ordering everyone around bc they want to decorate this place before y/n gets home to surprise her

they take it very seriously too. they’ve watched like one HGTV show and said it’s our time

they finally get home and tony gives y/n a big hug, asking her what took so long

happy tells him that she was keen on getting burgers bc apparently someone has taught her that stressful times call for ~cheeseburgers~

he proceeds to look at tony with a pointed look

tony just shrugs and goes “she was a problem child. we don’t mention her dark past”

she’s swaying on the spot and keeps grinning like a fool and thor just stares at her weirdly before elbowing bruce and whispering loudly,

“what’s wrong with her? is she dying? should i start collecting leaves, i know this remedy—"

no one can tell if y/n is just happy to see the newly decorated home or if she’s just delighted to see everyone but then she goes around hugging the entire team

she doesn’t even acknowledge the sky-high pile of teddy bears and flowers everywhere bc she’s just squeezing everybody

y/n is so high, she just starts to spill all of her feelings about everyone and they’re already so overwhelmed by the hug chain they can’t take this too

“wanda i just want you to know that you’re like my big sister and you’re always taking care of me and i know you and vision are just going to make such good parents one day”

“bucky you absolute PRICK, you FIEND, you’re the best chess player ever and that’ll never change and i wouldn’t be good without you, i hate to say it but you deserve happiness even after you made me lose five times in a row yesterday”

“dad, you’re so strong and smart, even though we’re like never on the same page, you’re always along for the ride, i want to be like you when i grow up, i swear i’m gonna try to be as good to the avengers as you were to us” “aww- wait makes you think i'll be the first to die“

“nat you’re such a bitch about your protein shakes but you’re my best friend and i wouldn’t have it any other way, you can try out as many make up looks on me as you want”

“bruce, brucey, i would live with you in your lab for the rest of my days if i had to, whenever you ask me to hand you stuff i feel useful and important”

“laura’s way out of your league clint i have no idea how the fuck you got her but don’t lose her and i want to be your next child’s godmother”

“steve…we’re your family now. we’re always gonna be your family now. okay?”

“loki you’re not fooling anyone with your attitude, we all know you’re part of the family, you were just misunderstood and messed up bc of your dad–FUCK him by the way–but i realised everyone deserves as many chances as they need because of you”

“sam i would genuinely kill anyone who wronged you, even if they cut you in line at the grocery store, i would knife them no hesitation”

“thor, you poor golden retriever have been through so much, on my way here i made a wish on an eyelash for you bc you deserve better, your postcards always make my day, love you”

she mumbles something to peter that no one else can hear but he blushes and chokes back a sob

y/n orders hot soup and bucky brings it to her but before he even has time to react peter drops everything and ZOOMS across the room in .3 seconds

he barrels into bucky so hard they both go flying, but peter just smoothly rolls out of it and onto his feet like some kind of super ninja

“DUDE WHAT THE HELL” “😠 y/n is not supposed to drink hot liquids 😠”

all of this happens in mere seconds but sam has filmed it all and now slow mo clips go viral online of some mysterious kid knocking over the winter soldier

y/n’s a little in and out after that, but when she fully regains consciousness, she’s on a pile of blankets, surrounded by the team on the floor <3

* * *

let me know if this is actually comforting lmao stay hydrated pals

hc masterlist

[thelordofgifs]

very excited for the next tfs arc, hopefully maglor has time to recover from his many wounds in time to get more pincushion-ed. I love how maglor has the most and least plot armour simultaneously. Any pointed objects in a metre radius spontaneously attack him but he will. not. die. He persists.

Also, very funny that curufin is lost. You don't know where he is, he might not know where he is! He could be anywhere. He could be in your house! He could be in my house! If i see him i will let you know!

where did most of the feanorian soldiers go? If any of them are still loyal i imagine they could be useful later.

Anyway I'm looking forward to the return of everyone's favourite feral woodland princess!

Is thingol's fate going to change in this fic? The feanorions have even less political clout than they did in the silm so he's probably not going to be negotiated with without a really good argument. Without Celegorm and with Curufin missing/not going to do any more arguing and the lack of forces for them to use I don't know how a second kinslaying could happen but I am excited to find out!!

lol I think I’m going to give Maglor a little break from the pincushioning – he has Been Through It lately and now deserves a nice long rest in which to recover and get many hugs from Maedhros and prepare for his next character arc!

WHERE IS CURUFIN. WE DO NOT KNOW. tbh if he’s in anyone’s house it would be yours – he knows how much you love him!! Although I am now dying to see a giant wanted poster for Curufin. Or not even wanted in the criminal sense but more like a lost dog poster. Maedhros and Maglor can stick them up all over Hithlum like hi have you seen our lil brother he’s the absolute worst but we’d like to know where he is

Ok so I actually went down a rabbit hole here thinking about numbers. According to random websites whose sources I have not thoroughly checked, the average fatality rate in a medieval battle would have been about 10-15%, going up to maybe 25% for really bad ones. (Sadly the small sibling is away at university now so my usual source of military facts has disappeared.) Since the Nirnaeth was probably THE worst military defeat in the legendarium, and it involved Balrogs and dragons, we could put an upper limit of like 30% on fatality rates on the battles of Beleriand? Although Barahir somehow managed to get his entire fighting army presumably numbering at least a thousand down to thirteen guys so maybe that’s an underestimate! Also most fatalities taken by the losing side are apparently during the retreat, not the battle itself; and since Maglor managed to draw off the orc armies during the fall of Himring, let’s say that Maedhros lost… 15% of his people in the fight. So definitely a pretty bad defeat, but not awful. Then of the remaining 85%, let’s say 75% went south to Amon Ereb and the last 10% have decided to join up with Fingon instead. But Maedhros has explicitly renounced his command of them, so that lot aren’t really Fëanorian soldiers any more. Meanwhile Caranthir and Amras just received a LOT of reinforcements, not to mention some extremely confusing news about what’s been going on.

Anyway yessss I am SO excited to have our feral woodland princess back and causing trouble!! More than one person in the notes was wondering if she’d show up and stop either the execution or the fall of Himring as a whole and I felt really sad about not being able to do that, but the timelines just don’t work out. But she’s going to have Stuff to do (some of which I know about and some of it I only have very vague ideas about).

Ok so Thingol… I really need to do some thinking about him. What I can tell you is that the fall of Nargothrond, Húrin bringing the Nauglamír to Doriath, and the subsequent death via entirely preventable racism thing is not going to go down the same way in tfs as it does in canon (which isn’t to say none of those things will happen – but if they do happen, they’ll happen differently). So his fate is going to be different, but that doesn’t mean he’s going make it out okay necessarily! My instinct is to just make a bunch of people have conversations and see what conclusions they come to. The AU is going to get into some very uncharted territory soon, and I will absolutely be making everything up as I go.

Thank you for the ask ❤️❤️❤️

[juuuuliee]

Broken promises

A/N: so... this is my first story I'm posting, so please don't be so hard on me hahaha... Constructive criticism is of course welcome! I'm working on a masterlist and other stories, so stay tuned if you'd like. I'm sorry if there are some logic and/or grammar mistakes - as I said, this is my first story. I hope you like it, have fun reading! See you soon :)

Pairing:young!Sirius Black x Reader

Genre:a lot of angst, a bit of fluff

Warnings:angst, family problems, relationship problems, jealousy.

Y/N felt bad. Not the kind of bad that makes you want to throw up, more like your stomach was knotting up and that queasy, uncomfortable feeling was getting bigger.

The common room had long been pitch black and only the fire, which was slowly dying away, gave off a small pleasant glow, but it barely reached the sofa where she was curled up.

He had promised. He had promised to be there and yet she had not seen him since lunch in the Great Hall.

Anger and disappointment kept bubbling up inside her, but she tried to ignore those feelings as worry about him grew and slowly took over.

What if something really happened to him?

Before she could think any more about it, she heard a creak and pulled up. The portrait door swung open and the fat lady could be heard cursing behind Sirius, who came stumbling into the common room, but stopped abruptly when he saw his steady girlfriend on the sofa.

"Y/N?" he asked, startled, looking at her with his eyebrows drawn together.

"Damn it, Sirius, where have you been?" she started, realising that the worry was just giving way to the anger that was rising at the sight of him.

"I was at the lake...well...it was someone's birthday from Hufflepuff and I thought...I could go...what did I do wrong, Love?" he told her hesitantly.

"What did you do wrong, Mister? I don't know, everything I think!" Y/N scolded back, theatrically throwing her hands in the air to express her frustration more.

"You said you were coming, Sirius! Hell, YOU even suggested we meet and still said, you’d had a ,,plan’’…I don't know if that was part of your plan, but if it was, I'm sorry, it's a shitty plan! I thought you would have hurt yourself or made it back to Filch's office."

"Y/N, I'm sorry, okay? I forgot, yeah? What do you want me to do? Invent a time reverser just so our ONE date can still happen?!" sneered Sirius, raising his own voice

"The ONE time?! Sirius I don't know if you've been counting, but this is the fourth time in a row you've forgotten or missed it!" now Y/N shouted too, at which Sirius took a step towards her, but she dodged him right back.

,,I know I'm probably overreacting, but I feel like I'm fighting for our relationship all by myself, Sirius. I'm tired of waiting for you all the time, even though I know you won't come and you probably don't even care. It just hurts, okay?" She had started crying completely now and pulled her jumper closer to her.

"Maybe it has something to do with your family problems," he interrupted angrily and raised his hand, which Y/N only looked at defiantly.

"I am who I am and that is how you should accept me, Y/N! I have apologised, what more can I do?!"

Silence.

Grey, angry eyes met e/c, staring at him with anger and disappointment.

,, "Maybe you should change your priorities if some Hufflepuff chick's party is more important than your own girlfriend, Sirius!"

,, "And maybe you should lower your expectations. You're not the most important person to me damn it!"

Ouch. It felt like Sirius had stuck a knife in your back and was very, very slowly turning it around.

"I didn't mean it, Y/N," Sirius said with a roll of his eyes, avoiding Y/N's hurt gaze and focusing more on her shoes.

,, "Yes you did and you know it very well!"

Sirius groaned and you could literally feel the anger bubbling up inside him again and he had to pull himself together very hard not to yell at her again. In the end, however, his temper won out: "You know what? I'm leaving! I'm tired of this kindergarten and this... this kind of you, Y/N."

"Fine!"

"Great!"

,,Fantastic!" sobbed Y/N, but Sirius barely heard it as he stomped up the stairs to his dorm.

Y/N sat back on the couch, exactly in the place where she had been sitting twenty minutes ago and everything was still "fine".

Had he broken up with her?

She didn't know, but she knew it hurt..., it hurt like hell. There was a hole in her heart and it felt like she was losing her boyfriend, who was moving further and further away from her into the mist, so that all she could see was his outline, not even looking back at her. She wanted to reach out to him, to run after him, but something that must have been her own pride pulled her back and tried to convince her that it wasn't her fault.

But she didn't trust that voice. If only she had stayed calmer... Maybe she could have talked to Sirius calmly about her feelings and thoughts....

——————————————————

"Y/N, wake up!" a voice called at her ear and Y/N slowly opened her eyes. Lily.

,, Lily, please! Let me sleep..." she muttered and turned around to avoid the red-haired witch.

"Forget it! It's Saturday...Hogsmead day," Lily purred excitedly.

"No!"

„Oh come on, Y/NN. We're going to Honeyduks and stock up on chocolate! James, Sirius, Remus and Peter are coming too, it'll be fun!", Lily tried to convince her, but Y/N just shook her head.

"I don't want to see him." "Who?" "Sirius." Lily furrowed her eyebrows questioningly, but quickly understood, "Did you two have a fight?" Y/N merely nodded her head and buried her face in her pillow.

"What was it about?" asked Lily, stroking soothing circles on Y/N's back to get the young witch to speak.

"He missed another date and was at some Hufflepuff party. I was so mad at him...I said things I didn't mean and so did he...His temper won of course...I don't know, it all just escalated. I don't think he wants to see me either." Y/N reported as she sat up and Lily nodded understandingly.

"That's bullshit. He knows he messed up, Y/N. Sirius isn't that stupid... and of course he wants to see you! Besides, it's Saturday, so if you two don't get along, you'll need some frustration food, Y/NN... chocolate! It'll be alright." Lily tried to persuade Y/N and she had to grin.

"Maybe you're right..." said Y/N hesitantly, "Of course I am!" laughed Lily and started to push Y/N into the bathroom.

,"I'm sure he'll be pleased." Repeated Lily, giving her friend a cheery smile.

Once in the Great Hall, the two girls headed for the Gryffendor table where all the Marauders were already seated. Lily gave Y/N's hand an encouraging squeeze before greeting the boys: "Hey!" she called and sat down next to James, who greeted her with a kiss. Y/N stood next to them a little indecisively before squeezing in between Peter and Remus, who greeted her with a quiet,, Hi."

She could literally feel the looks of the others lingering between her and Sirius and lowered her gaze to her plate to avoid the looks from the others and especially Sirius... unsuccessfully. She couldn't help but squint over at the black-haired boy. He had bags under his eyes and was also keeping his eyes on his plate, which was full.

Instead of chatting to the others, she followed James and Lily's relationship banter, which made her wrinkle her nose more than once... Cheesy as hell!

Fortunately, breakfast was over quickly and the group set off for Hogsmead. Sirius and Y/N were mostly quiet and only said something when asked. They all went to Honeyduks together first, where Y/N stocked up on lots of chocolate, at which Sirius just raised his eyebrows, but she avoided his questioning gaze and slipped unobtrusively over to Lily, who was sneaking a caramel into her mouth.

Are you okay?" she asked with her mouth full, eyeing her friend who was standing in front of her a little indecisively.

"He's not even looking at me, Lils... What if he broke up with me yesterday and I haven't even noticed?" whispered Y/N in panic and Lily quickly shook her head.

"He didn't break up with you... Sirius, even though this sounds weird, loves you... Even Peter can see that! Just go up to him and talk to him. But stop blaming yourself: HE messed up and stood you up, not you." She said urgently, piercing Y/N with her green eyes.

„It's okay, Lily," Y/N said, and moved away from her friend, again walking to the biscuit shelf, which was very close to her boyfriend. She looked over at him cautiously and noticed that he was peering over at her too, whereupon she quickly averted her gaze from Sirius again and pretended to analyse the biscuits on the shelf with interest.

After the group had paid for their things, they went into the Three Broomsticks. By the time they entered the pub, it was busy and noisy, making it difficult to find a table to seat them all. After a few minutes, Sirius waved the friends over, who had apparently found room at a table where two Hufflepuff girls were still sitting, giggling as Sirius sat down next to them as he grinned charmingly at them.

A wave of jealousy and frustration erupted in Y/N and she had to pull herself together not to flee the pub immediately. Instead, she bit the inside of her cheek and sat down next to Remus and James, opposite Sirius and Hannah, who probably considered Sirius's forearm her own. She batted her eyelashes and obviously(!) flirted with Sirius, who happily joined in her game.

Y/N quickly looked away, unable to afford to put up with this fuss any longer. Remus unobtrusively squeezed her hand under the table and, Y/N smiled at him gratefully.

Y/N sat awkwardly at the table, not knowing what to do or say next at the sight of her steady boyfriend apparently having already found a new one. Sighing, Y/N stood up and muttered: "I'm going to get us butterbeers, okay?"

Without waiting for the others to reply, she hurried away from the table. She noticed tears forming in her eyes but immediately wiped them away and made her way to the bar where many teenagers were gathered. Desperately, she tried to make her way through the crowd and eventually managed to do so.

She didn't notice someone squeezing up behind her and pushing in next to her until that person snapped at her.

„Y/N?"

Startled, she pulled up to look into the friendly face of Amos Digorry, who was looking down at her.

Oh! Hey, Amos," she greeted her seatmate in Divination and smiled at him.

"Is everything okay with you?" he asked with his eyebrows drawn together and Y/N nodded quickly as she wiped a few remaining tears from her cheeks.

‚,Everything is great, yes," she replied and was glad when Rosmerta put the buttebeer on the counter. Y/N smiled at her in thanks before turning to Amos, "See you around, Amos." She said goodbye and hurried away.

Arriving back at the table, her eyes immediately fell on Sirius and Hannah, who were still talking to each other. Hannah giggled and Sirius seemed to be perfectly comfortable in the company of the beautiful brunette too.

Y/N knew her, she was her seatmate in Potions. As she took a closer look at her, a wave of insecurity gripped her. She had everything one imagines as 'perfect'. She was tall and thin, with a small waist and an elegant posture. She just fitted into the toxic beauty ideals that existed and Y/N hated so much. And the worst part was that there was actually nothing to not like about her. She was sweet and helpful and super nice.

Even though Y/N knew that your weight, your smile, your general appearance, how many friends you have and whether you get good grades doesn't change your worth as a person, she suddenly felt so small and superfluous that she couldn't take it anymore.

She noticed tears welling up in her eyes and stood up abruptly, causing her to bang her knee against the table.

Pained, she screwed up her face and looked at the questioning faces sitting at the table, staring at her. Great... Embarrassed, she brushed a strand of hair that had fallen into her face behind her ear and smiled consumingly, but it looked more like a 'I'm going to cry' smile.

"I- I think I forgot my... uh my- something in Honeyduks, I think... I have- so yeah... I'll go..." she stuttered awkwardly, though she realised all her friends knew she was lying.

She quickly hurried away from the table and Sirius, unable to suppress the tears in her eyes. Hastily she wiped them away, but more kept coming. She didn't notice how Lily called after her in vain and Remus got up from his seat and tried to run after her, but James pushed him back into the chair, looking hauntingly at Sirius who sat frozen. When she got to the crowded alleyway, Y/N just stumbled through the crowd and was glad when she got behind Honeydukes, where there was a path that led to the howling hut. The path was snowed in and would have been beautiful if Y/N had paid more attention. She trudged along the path until she finally arrived at the howling hut. She just stared at it and stopped in front of it. She focused on the small cracks in the wall that looked like small branches of trees moving in the wind.

She heard footsteps coming closer and closer and turned around. Sirius. His black hair was a mess and he hadn't even zipped up his jacket. He was panting and apparently out of breath when he started to speak: "I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry, yeah? You have to believe me when I say I'm sorry... Please Y/N, you have to believe me."

She said nothing and just looked at him urgently until he began to speak again: "Please say something. You can yell at me too, you can yell at me all year and the years after, but please say something." He pleaded, looking at her pleadingly as he wiped his face.

"You don't know anything, Sirius." , she started and he nodded to get her to talk further.

"You don't know how much it hurts to wait for a person that you- that you seem to love. You do know what it's like to not feel loved and- and to feel insecure... you know exactly what that feels like. And I always get so mad at the person who makes you feel that way because they hurt you! And I think I can say that I'm there for you then!" she gulped and Sirius nodded to agree with her, "But you're never there..." she sobbed, letting her tears fall again.

"I know you love me and I can't compare your family to our relationship. I feel good in your presence and- and that's how it should be... - that's how it should be! But- but it always hurts so much when you stand me up or ignore me and I don't even know what I- what I did wrong...I wasn't the one who stood you up, Sirius. It was you...and so many times!" she continued in exasperation and Sirius wasn't sure whether to let her finish or give her a hug. But before he could make a decision for himself, Y/N continued: "And today was even worse! Lily told me all the time that it wasn't my fault and now I know that it wasn't or isn't mine either. But then when you were flirting with Hannah and you-you were having such a good time, I was so sad! Why can you talk to her and have fun but not with me?! Why are you happy to see her but not me?!" asked Y/N desperately and Sirius opened his mouth to stop her from having those thoughts but she continued with a sad look: "You once promised me you would never make me feel small or insecure. You once promised to always be there for me. You once promised me that I was the "only one" and that you loved me. You promised to be there for me so many times, Sirius. But somehow you broke them all and I don't know what to do with these broken promises. I love you and that's not going to change, but I- I just don't know what to do with it when you- you hurt me so much and make me feel so insecure... So actually, you do know what that feels like...just differently." She confessed to him and completely burst into tears.

Sirius, who had tears in his own eyes, looked at her with a pained smile, which made her cry even more. He broke the distance between them and took her in his arms. He pressed her tightly against him and had to bend down to put his face in the crook of her neck. She clung to his shoulders and pressed her face into his chest to breathe in his familiar scent.

They stood like that for a while. Both crying, holding each other as close as possible. After a few minutes, Sirius slowly detached himself so he could look into her eyes.

"You don't know how sorry I am, Y/N. I don't want to hurt you! Merlin, when I think about the fact that I did it, I want to hurt myself. You're- you're- Damn, I'm not good with words!" he laughed and even Y/N had to smile a little.

,,I love you. For everything you do and for everything you say. I love you for who you are and for those little things you do for others. And I will- will never stand you up or break the promises I made to you ever again. I swear I will do my best, Y/N....and I am so grateful that you love me because I never wanted anything else in my life! You don't have to forgive me now...I understand if you don't, honestly." He said softly so she could just hear.

She smiled slightly at him and said laughing: "So if you kiss me now, it'll make things a bit better."

Sirius grinned and closed the distance between them, placing his warm lips on hers. He kissed her softly and lovingly, as if afraid to scare her away, but she didn't go. She deepened their kiss a little and sighed into his mouth.

As they kissed there like that, in front of the howling hut with dried tears on their cheeks, Y/N knew that everything would be allright again....

[dalekofchaos]

It wasn’t all Micah’s fault, Dutch is as much to blame.

A lot of people seem to think that Micah being the rat is what led to the fall of the Van der Linde gang. While it’s true that Micah is partly to blame. But Micah would not have an opportunity if it were not for Dutch’s vanity and pride.

Dutch is the classic delusional leader seen in many stories, novels. His fantasies become more real with each day, battle and somehow they think fortune is right around the corner. Like a gambler chasing the eternal big pot. No amount of money would ever be enough. It wasn't about money. It's was about the chase, the illusion of victory that never comes.

In Chapter 6 is when this all becomes more apparent. A switch went off in Dutch's mind, in Ch6. This wasn't the way HIS story was supposed to happen. Not to HIM. He's freaking Don Quixote, madman fighting knights in his mind and being a hero. It's fucking beautiful character writing and story arc for him.

Dutch has a discarded speech draft in horseshoe overlook that shows he’s always been a self-obsessed politician in context of the gang. He crosses out every line of humility and replaces it with narcissistic martyrdom, and avoids ever giving his audience a moment to question him or the path they’re on. He wants control over people so he can use them to realize his ambitions, and every book he reads in camp has a similar motif that explains why he thinks that way.

There are conversations between Lenny and Dutch, too. Lenny is not a fan of Evelyn Miller and tells Dutch why. Dutch is blind to the criticism. This speaks volumes about the two characters. This conversation made me realize that Dutch is used to peddling his philosophy to people who are not as well read as him; the moment he has to defend his ideas to someone more intelligent he gets defensive and angry. Because he isn't searching for a debate; he's searching for affirmation.

Everyone loves to paint Dutch and Hosea as the perfect partners and even ship them in a gay way. But Dutch doesn’t respect Hosea? Also Hosea was a happily married man. They're supposed to be partners, but he certainly doesn't treat him like one. He doesn't listen to him, he yells at him when he's doubting, coughing or in pain, and he makes him sleep on the cold, hard, dirty ground. He even openly ignores him in Colter, in front of the other men, and rides off when he tries to stop him from robbing Cornwall's train. I'm not saying they don't have a rich history or good moments, but it's a toxic relationship at best. Not exactly something worth praising. If you don't believe me, you can find unique dialogues as the game progresses, verifying he’s lost all faith in Dutch. To the point that he even starts telling other members to leave. Abigail, John, Arthur, Lenny, Tilly, Sadie -- he tells all of them to leave. During a dominoes game we played together he even said, "Maybe it's just me, but Dutch seems to be getting more and more unhinged." And as early as chapter one he told Arthur, "Try to stop Dutch getting all of you killed, because I'm about beginning to think he's finally lost his mind." There are also other conversations where Hosea’s disappointment with Dutch is far more blatant. He basically tells Arthur he’s been disillusioned for a while and wishes the gang would change, but when Arthur asks what they’d do instead of thieving, Hosea says, “I don’t know. I never knew. Guess I could never figure that out, neither.” By this point he’s just so dejected and defeatist because he knows Dutch won’t listen to him. He also goes on a whole tirade about how they’ve become “nothing but a bunch of killers”, which breaks his heart, and during a random campfire encounter he bares his soul and flat out tells the gang he no longer believes in Dutch’s “we’re above the law” philosophy. I feel like Dutch is glad Hosea was killed because the biggest doubter and thorn in his side was taken care of.

I mean this is what Hosea feels about the majority of Dutch’s plans

The moment John put his family as a priority, Dutch saw this as a threat and has been paranoid about John ever since. 

He tried to play the Grays, Braithewaites and Bronte  the same way he’s used Arthur, Hosea, John, Bill, Javier, and even his women like Molly, Susan and Annabelle. To Dutch, people are just set pieces in his life. He cares for them and wants them to love him, but it’s only because he’s a narcissist that needs their support to make himself stronger.

He never snapped or went crazy or turned. The Dutch that drowned Bronte is the same Dutch that had always been there. He was frustrated that he did not have the upper hand on somebody, that someone had played him the same way he plays others, and it’s probably the same reason he shot a girl in cold blood on the ferry and the same reason he shot the girl in the bank in rdr1. In that scene in rdr1, he said something like “you’re the master now John” before Dutch did what he did.

When Dutch isn’t in control, he rages against the world around him. Because as far as he’s concerned, he’s the smartest and most virtuous man around and anyone who opposes him is wrong. And anytime he loses or isn’t completely in control, somebody’s out to get him and play him like a fool. That’s why he turns on Arthur and John, and why Micah manipulates him so easily

Blackwater, going up against Cornwall, playing the inbred families and Bronte is what sealed the gang's fate.

Blackwater. If Dutch had just ignored the ferry job and let Hosea and Arthur handle their Blackwater real estate/tax scam, then they would have made it big with no one dying

If Dutch had just ignored the O'Driscolls and their train heist plans, then Cornwall would have went after Colm O'Driscoll while Dutch and the gang could have either went to Horseshoe without incident or gotten lost out West. Don’t forget it was Hosea who was against robbing that train back in chapter 1 that belonged to Leviticus Cornwall. It was after that robbery when he started sponsoring Pinkertons to find Dutch. If they stayed away from that train, they could’ve shaken off the Pinkertons easily. Hosea was right from the very start. Even before that he was saying that Blackwater robbery was a bad idea.

If Dutch or Hosea put their foot down and requested Herr Straus to stop loansharking desperate people or risk being banished from the gang, then maybe Arthur would still be alive

If they requested the aid of Trelwany to see if the rumor of Confederate gold is legit or not, then they could've realized playing one or the other family was a complete waste of time and not worth the effort.

The moment they got Jack from Bronte, they should have just left Lemoyne and never looked back.

The moment Arthur began helping the Wapiti tribe, he should have never went back to Dutch. Arthur, Charles, Sadie and John should have helped them and never looked back. John would’ve gotten Abigail and Jack out alive, while from some convincing from Arthur, Uncle and Susan would have helped Mary-Beth, Tilly and Pearson leave the gang. 

Even if everything turned out the way it did but Hosea, Lenny and Sean were alive, the gang would be split. Hosea, Susan, Lenny and Sean would have sided with Arthur. There would have been a chance that Hosea and Arthur could have talked sense into Dutch, but Dutch would not want to see that he fucked up royally and costed EVERYTHING, he would stand by the choices he made, even if it meant fighting his own brother and sons.

But no, Dutch needs to feel like this big and important leader. He needs one last take. It wasn't about money, it was wanting to prove that he won and just wanting to be the big man, like Evelyn Miller or all the outlaws that are romanticized. Micah saw him for what he was and was playing him like a fiddle and milking him for all he's worth. It was so easy for Micah to play Dutch and so easy for Arthur Hosea, Sean, Lenny, Susan, Davey, Mac and Jenny to die for the sake of Dutch proving that he is a winner and that he is right. It was never about getting lost out west or even the money or even Tahiti, it was about Dutch wanting to prove he is right and all the doubters are wrong.

Dutch Van der Linde’s pride and ego is what destroyed the gang. Even if Milton did not kill Hosea, there was no stopping Dutch’s path of self-destruction.

[curioussubjects]

I feel bad discussing spn now that’s over but I’ve been wondering. Do you think dean actually meant it when he said “why does that something always seem to be you” (15.03)? Usually people blurt out what’s on their mind all of a sudden even if they didn’t mean to say it out loud. But it comes out because the person either thinks about it or actually believes it. Do you think at one point Dean truly blamed Cas for Mary? I mean, putting 15.09 aside of course.

Why do you feel bad discussing SPN now the show’s over, anon?? Don’t feel bad!

The short answer to your question, in my view, is that Dean was lashing out because of how his unaddressed trauma over Cas dying (cf. 7x01, purgatory, 12x23) gets entangled with him processing his grief over Mary and Jack. Everything is further exacerbated by Chuck’s villain reveal, and the events that lead to Rowena’s “death.”  The longer answer to this question starts with acknowledging that feelings and trauma are complicated things that aren't always rational. And that's the crux of the matter for Dean in that moment he lashes out at Cas: he's not behaving rationally. We know Dean is angry, and historically doesn't handle anger well at all, but we also know, even without 15x09, that what Dean is really feeling is fear. In that moment, Dean is angry, and he's scared. If you watch the scene closely, too, you'll notice that Dean is still present enough to regret saying "why does that something always seem to be you" to Cas. He tenses up, he looks down and only looks up again in stubbornness defiance when Cas says he can't even look at him. Then Cas leaves, which has always been an issue for Dean. However warranted Cas's decision to leave was, it still hits Dean as rejection, too. All this is to say that the break up scene is extremely fraught, and Dean is the type of person who needs time to process events and emotions, and time to process is something he hasn't had since Mary disappeared.

So you ask: ok, cool, but what does all of that have to do with Cas dying, Liv? And here's where I say they have everything to do with Cas dying. I've talked about this before in tags and in other posts that I can't think of right now, but there are common occurrences in the events that have led to the more traumatic Cas deaths. If we think of Cas dying in 07x01, the context for that is as follows: Cas needs to solve a problem, he wants to ask Dean for help, but the desire to not burden him with it is greater, so Cas ends up handling the problem solo, which leads to disaster and also him dying. Or, well, apparently dying. But as far as Dean was concerned, Cas was dead, and he did struggle with it a lot during season 7. Now, fast-forward to s12 and the context of how Cas ends up dead then: Cas needs to solve a problem, part of him does want to cooperate with Sam and Dean to solve it, but he ultimately decides his desire to bring Dean a win, and to shield him and Sam from actions they'd suffer from are greater. Predictably, Cas ends up handling the problem solo, which leads to complications, and him being killed by Lucifer. Cas's death in 12x23 is significantly more traumatic to Dean than the one in 07x01 as season 13 starts with a grief arc that is devoted to Dean's suffering over Cas -- to the point that suffering overshadows even his grief over Mary. Granted, these are somewhat reductive summaries of the events of seasons 7 and 12, but the fact remains that those two deaths were remarkably similar as well as traumatic. 

If you look at trauma theory in regards to literary analysis, you'll notice that a key element is repetition. The story of trauma is a story of echoes, which is partly why triggers are what they are for people who have PTSD. In particular, a situation doesn't need to be an exact replica in order to evoke a traumatic memory. A situation need only be similar enough to the traumatic event to cause a trauma response. Therefore, if we keep in mind that the events leading to 15x03 aren’t exact mirrors of 07x01 or 12x23, but too reminiscent for comfort, then Dean’s behavior toward Cas starts making a bit more sense -- not excused, but understandable. A quick summary of these similarities goes as follows: Cas notices there’s is something off with Jack because of his soul; he decides to investigate on his own to avoid worrying the Winchesters and also because of his own fear of losing his family. He only comes forward with what is happening after something potentially disastrous has happened (Mary’s death). Later, Cas deviates from the agreed plan to close the wound leading to hell, which leads to another disastrous consequence (Rowena’s death). What does this look like? Cas makes a decision to act on his own, and doesn’t tell Dean (or Sam) about it, something goes wrong, someone dies. Notably, here, moreover, is that Cas obviously doesn’t die, but he has paralleled Mary before (when he was dead in s13) and there’s an argument to be made that he would eventually parallel Rowena (with heaven), but that’s from a metanarrative perspective rather than Dean’s, and I digress.

Oh, It’s worth noting, too, that the way in which the arc starting with 14x18 and culminating in 15x03 presents a similar, but not quite, chain of events as those of previous seasons signals the intentionality of the trauma narrative. 

But anyway, as we were: the resonance between the traumatic and triggering events, with the latter being traumatic in their own way, make Dean response in a way that is unfair for the situation at hand, but betray a deeper truth about Dean’s state of mind. Backtracking a little from 15x03, the first instance of Dean lashing out at Cas happens in 14x18 with the (heartbreaking) line: “Then you're dead to me.” At face value, those words are a condemnation of Cas and indicate a complete breakdown of the relationship, hinging on Jack having hurt/killed Mary. There is, however, another angle there, pain simmering beneath the surface, which makes more sense in its direction to Cas: the last time Jack, Mary, and Cas were involved in a tableaux like this, Cas died and Mary was gone. In what is an inversion of events, Mary is dead and Cas is...there, but as an echo of Jack’s birth, to say Cas is dead is a statement of fact: he did die, then. And as he was a parallel to Mary in the aftermath of Jack’s birth (and the rehashing of the John, Dean, Sam drama through Dean, Sam, and Jack), so is he a parallel to Mary here, except in circumstance. Both Mary and Cas had been after Jack. Mary happened to find him first, but Cas could’ve easily been the one to find him. Easily been the one who died. See the issue? This is obviously not to say that Dean’s grief and rage weren’t about Mary herself, but that the situations are entangled and murky. 

Further entanglement and murkiness happen when Cas is forced to change the plan to seal the hell wound in 15x03. We all know, including Dean, that there was nothing Cas could’ve done instead of what he did. But besides the change of plans, there’s an undercurrent of anxiety of the wound closing before Cas makes it out. He does, of course, but that’s the what if, always. And to illustrate the possibility, Rowena sacrifices herself to close the wound. It’s not coincidence that the similarities here are tenuous considering the stress burden from everything that has happened since 14x18 has continued to grow with no respite.

The stage is set then for the confrontation that leads to Cas walking out of the bunker. Dean is clearly on edge, and Cas is in a particularly vulnerable and hopeless headspace:

CASTIEL: Sorry about Rowena. DEAN: You're sorry? Why didn't you just stick to the damn plan? CASTIEL: Belphegor was lying. DEAN: Belphegor's a demon. CASTIEL: He was using us. He wanted to eat every last soul to take over Hell, Earth, and every... DEAN: Yeah, and we would've figured it out... after. With Rowena. CASTIEL: The plan changed, Dean. Something went wrong. You know this. Something always goes wrong. DEAN: Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?

The reason I went of this long journey to come back to this is so as to make clear that what Dean is talking about here isn’t about Rowena at all, and it’s not about Mary either. We know Dean didn’t really blame Cas for Mary, and that he didn’t blame him for Rowena, either. But do those bolded parts sound familiar?

CASTIEL: Listen. Raphael will kill us all. He'll turn the world into a graveyard. I had no choice.

DEAN: No, you had a choice. You just made the wrong one.

CASTIEL: You don't understand. It's complicated.

DEAN: No, actually, it's not, and you know that. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, huh, unless you knew that it was wrong? When crap like this comes around, we deal with it... Like we always have. What we don't do is we don't go out and make another deal with the Devil!

CASTIEL: It sounds so simple when you say it like that. Where were you when I needed to hear it?

DEAN: I was there. Where were you?

DEAN: You should've come to us for help, Cas.

How about:

DEAN: Cas, you can't – With everything that's going on, you can't just go dark like that. We didn't know what happened to you. We were worried. That's not okay. CASTIEL: Well, I didn't mean to add to your distress. I – Dean, I just keep failing. Again and again. When you were taken, I searched for months and I couldn't find you. And then Kelly escaped on my watch, and I couldn't find her. And I just wanted I needed to come back here with a win for you. For myself.

[...]

DEAN : We will find a better way. CASTIEL: You mean, we? DEAN : Yes, dumbass. We. You, me, and Sam, we're just better together. So now that you're back, let's go, Team Free Will. Let's get it done. CASTIEL: I'd like that. DEAN: Great.

“Then, you’re dead to me.” “...why does that something always seem to be you”

Because it’s Cas, and Cas being dead and gone. The tragedy of the divorce arc is that Cas ends up gone, too. However, this time, it’s Dean’s fault for not stopping him. Here, Dean’s fear of Cas dying leads to the anger that ultimately pushes him away. So, yeah, Dean meant what he said, but not in the way Cas took it. Not in the way it appeared as. 

The other tragedy of Supernatural ending as it did is that Dean never got to heal from that trauma, he never got to confront Cas for it, either. Make no mistake, the empty deal is another spiral of Dean’s unaddressed trauma over Cas dying. The beats are the same, and the result is Cas, gone, and Dean, shattered. Sadly, we never got our final resolution, the climatic reunion that would mirror Dean’s prayer in purgatory and Cas’s confession in the dungeon. It’s a story left unfinished. 

[sachirou-senpai]

Kageyama, Yaku, Kenma and Hinata as sugar daddies.

request: ELLIE YOU CAN'T GET AWAY WITH PUTTING THIS IN MY HEAD AND LEAVING ME LIKE THIS AHSHSUSVSHS,,,, can I request some headcannons for Kageyama, Yaku and Kenma as sugar daddies? Or Hinata!!! Even though he's a sugar baby already shsghsbas ;;; Or you can choose whichever you like best between them??? I will be happy with every crumb I can get 🙏

warnings: mentions of s*x and sugar daddy/sugar baby relationships, hoshuimi is a nosy bitch, yaku has the confidence of a god (must be a leo thing) kenma is so cute ahhh, Hinata just wants someone to love and call mommy, i really love this. implied fem!reader for hinata, although i guess you could call a gn person or a male reader mommy. whatever floats your boat.

a/n: this was very fun. ;)

Kageyama:

what the fuck

how did he even get a sugar baby?

great question

it happened because he had a fuckton of money and had no idea what to do with it

and hoshuimi, of course

cause hoshiumi's a nosy lil bitch

saw kageyama checking his bank account app on his phone and was like

WHAT THE FUCK WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH MONEY

it's cause he never spends it

hoshuimi offhandedly tells him he should get a sugar baby

later that night kageyama googles what a sugar baby is

he's shook

doesn't think about it for months

until he gets this ad for a "meet sugar babies" website on a volleyball video he was watching

he thinks oh hell, why not

so he signs up, and meets you

he's so awkward oh my god

but you think it's adorable, and you're glad he's not some old dude

he doesn't know what to do so he asks you a lot of questions about what you like and stuff

the first thing he sends you, i kid you not, was a fucking volleyball

you call and ask him about it and he's like:

"it's the best quality"

you keep it.

eventually he starts sending you stuff you ask for, which works out better for both of you

you help him with the concept of a 'luxury life'

eventually gets a black card and literally just says:

"please use it for me, i don't know how"

and you're like damn okay

the first time you attempt to do something sexual he literally short circuits

you have to explain to him that a sugar baby usually repays their sugar daddy/mommy with sexual favors

he makes the 😮 face

he didn't even think you were sexually interested in him?

he'd be lying if he didn't think you were the most beautiful thing he's ever seen

and he's definitely had some um, not so pure dreams about you

and definitely jacked off to the pictures you've sent him

which he just thought was to show him what you liked

so god if he didn't fucking jump your bones right then and there

it was uh, intense, to say the least

best sex of your life

and the cuddles afterwards? on point.

you two get very attached

he really really likes you

introduces you to the team

which was embarrassing

eventually, you decide you want to become financially independent, and so you tell him you want to cancel the agreement

he fucking cries

he so desperately doesn't want to lose you

cause he's fallen in love with you

he tells you about all of the feelings and how you make him want to do anything for you and he's sobbing while telling you

you're shook, because you've kinda been developing feelings too

so you're like, okay, no sugar daddy stuff, be my boyfriend instead

total 180°

tackles you and holds you, on the floor, for like 3 hours

he still spoils you, it's a habit of his now

but you don't really mind, because you have one hell of a man by your side

(gimmie a kageyama pls)

Yaku:

knows exactly what he's doing and knows exactly what he wants.

You.

he probably met you at some sort of event, you going because you were the personal manager for some really weird guy there

he knew he wanted you the second he saw you

and he was straight up about it too

we're talking like walking up to you and saying:

"quit your job, let me take care of you."

and you're surprised, because who just says that?

you don't even know what happened, but you said yes

quit your job that night, and left with him

yeah, you fucked on the first night but so what?

he is the best sugar daddy omg

he already knows what you like just by looking at you

(no he doesn't, he's just called Alisa so many times she swears her phone is gonna break)

he's more of a surprising you with what he's gonna buy kind of guy, but he always enjoys when you surprise him

he takes you everywhere with him

he has a game in another country? you're going. guaranteed.

he just always wants to be near you

it's clearly more than a sugar daddy/sugar baby relationship from the start

and he likes it that way

he just doesn't want to make you uncomfortable, so he doesn't say anything

you two fuck....a lot

it's clearly not because of the arrangement anymore

you're just naturally drawn to each other

it's intense

and you spend a lot of time together, not only because he literally takes you everywhere

just because you like it

there'll be periods of time where he doesn't buy you anything and you don't buy anything either, but you still stick around and you still have sex

and that's when he knows you actually have feelings for him

HE'S SO HAPPY OMG

you've been in the arrangement for several years

you're practically dating

and so one day he just asks you to marry him and you're like

fuck yes

who wouldn't want to marry yaku morisuke?

cause i sure as hell want to marry him

Kenma:

i think kenma likes to watch twitch streams in the background while he's playing his games

it's just relaxing

with a fake account, of course, he didn't need all the hype from when he joined their stream

one day, a streamer he was watching ended their steam and raided yours

he first heard your voice and was SHOOK

you had the prettiest voice he'd ever heard

so he looked at his computer screen and nearly died

how could someone have such a pretty voice and a pretty face?

wildly unfair, he thought to himself

at first it was just a low-key thing

he'd watch your streams, whenever you were streaming

it was a miracle you two never streamed at the same time

you were just his go to relaxation method

one day, he heard you mention offhandedly that you were struggling with money

and so you know what he did?

donated 10k

he was already basically in love with you, so why not help you out?

and your reaction was perfect

you started smiling so hard, and thanking him over and over

it put a smile on his face for the next week, kuroo though he was sick

and he did it again, the week after

and again

and again

and so finally you messaged him asking why he kept sending you so much money

and he just sent you his number, with the message "call me"

you were so nervous

but you did

AND OH MY GOD IT WAS KODZUKEN?

WHAT?

you were such a big fan

and you really didn't know what to do

he was ever so kind, (lmao no) and just said:

"let me take care of you. i don't want you to ever have to stop streaming and go find a job that makes you more money."

you're so surprised you can't even speak

WHO SAYS THAT??

KENMA FUCKING KOZUME, APPARENTLY

you agree so hesitantly, and he notices

"you deserve it, please don't feel bad. i want to spend my money on you."

"o-okay"

"good."

and so that's exactly what he does, he'll just send you money every week

and little trinkets too, stuff you've mentioned in your streams or in the calls you'll have

you don't live close at all, but you wanted to meet up

he was sooooo nervous

kuroo, yet again, thought he was sick

and he probably was

but he came to you, and you just walked around a little, you showing him your favorite things about your city

he was just staring at you the whole time

he had come to stay with you for a week

and insisted that you stayed in a hotel with him, even though your house was literally right there

you slept in different beds

until one night you just got really paranoid about the horror game you played earlier

so you walked over and just got into bed with him

he was half asleep, but all he knew was the person of his dreams was laying in a bed next to him and he would hate himself in the morning if he didn't hold you close as physically possible

you woke up in each other's arms

annnnd that's when you both knew you were done for

he asked you to move in the day before he left

you said yes

(now i want a kenma too)

Hinata:

oh my god what a baby

he just wanted someone to be with, really

atsumu was the one who suggested it

after kenma stopped sponsoring Hinata, he ended up learning how to manage his money and he was really good at it??

he invested well and now had a loooot of money

he was talking about his money like a Grown Man

and atsumu was like,

"do ya spend any of it?"

"yeah, on my investments"

"no, i meant like on yourself"

"well for food and stuff"

"LIKE FOR ENJOYMENT"

"m-my gym membership?"

"oh my fucking god"

so atsumu tells him to get a sugar baby

"a baby? i don't have the time for a child!!!"

queue atsumu literally dying inside

he shows Hinata an app and is like,

"don't worry, they're all grown"

"oh"

so atsumu helps him fill out the profile for the app

atsumu uwu's inside when he sees Hinata checked the box for 'emotional fulfillment only'

cause like, what a precious baby

anyway, a couple hours later he gets a match

and he's like

"WOAH ATSUMU LOOK LOOK HOW PRETTY THEY ARE"

"damn, okay hinata, nice kill"

he's so happy to find someone to talk to besides his family and volleyball friends

you two talk

ALL

THE

TIME

and he sends you the cutest things omg

like a little plushie he saw? in the mail the next day

some MSBY merch? yeah, he's sending that too

little snacks he thinks you'd like? yep, those are going too

he sends you the stereotypical sugar baby stuff too, like pretty dresses and suits and lingerie and jewelry

he was blushing so hard when he tried to put the lingerie in the mail, atsumu had to do it for him

a couple days later, you send him a picture of you wearing it

he

wow

sure, he knew you were pretty, and was undeniably physically attracted to you

but he'd never felt like that

he took the LONGEST shower

he couldn't even message you till the next morning because he knew he'd have to look at the picture and god he'd never get to bed if he looked at it any more

he was surprised in the morning when he had messages from you saying sorry and that you shouldn't have sent it and that you didn't mean to make him uncomfortable

that you would understand if he wanted to call off the arrangement

he was like WHAT???? NOOOO

so he drives alll the way to where you live and pounds on your door

you're like hinata what?

"PLEASE DON'T THINK THAT I HATE YOU AND WANT TO CANCEL THE ARRANGEMENT I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO YOU LOOKED SO PRETTY AND I JUST I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT AND THEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT BAD THINGS LIKE WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU DID NAUGHTY THINGS TO ME AND I WANT IT I WANT IT REALLY BAD I-"

you're kissing him

wait

YOU'RE KISSING HIM???

holyshitholyshitholyshitholyshit

he doesn't know what to do

he's desperately trying to process what you're doing, but with your tongue shoved down his throat that's a little hard

so you know what he does?

he fucking whines

and you're like ohhhh shittttt

yeah you fuck

and you get the nickname mommy

which you love

such a sweet relationship

yes, relationship

you got together

he's so happy

looks like he got laid all the time

(which he usually did, but that's beside the point)

he's just giddy

and it's the cutest thing

10/10 relationship, please cherish him forever

(now i want a kageyama, yaku, kenma and a hinata DAMNIT)

oh my god this was so fun and perfect

@warmbearhugs i'm so glad we talked about with this, and i'm so glad you requested it

taglist: @warmbearhugs wow, i've tagged you 3 times in this post now @beanst0ck @your-local-abyss @oof-she-needs-therapy @tendouthighs @oyasenpai @senkuwu-chan @lovetsuki @kuroos-babie @keijination

send an ask to be added to the taglist!

[kuroshitsuji-scenarios]

Little things the Kuroshitsuji boys would do?

Undertaker:

Be the one who always listens to you talking, even if other people are losing focus on your words. He would pay a lot of attention to the details, even if he wouldn’t look like it.

Would bring you adorable gifts from wherever he would be—small rocks which reminds him of a funny face, double shells, weird cones or other apparently useless things. He tends to be unique, even with the gifts he’s giving.

Sebastian Michaelis:

Would mindlessly enjoy a slight physical contact between you two, trailing his fingers along your arm and elbow when you would be sitting next to each other, playing with your hair when you would be falling asleep on his shoulder, leaving quick kisses behind your ear in the break between doing the chores.

Would wake you up whenever feeling the change in aura of your soul during a nightmare; offer you a warm drink, an embrace and an ear to listen.

Ciel Phantomhive:

Be the one who waits for you when you have to tie your shoe when the rest of the group is heading forward. He might even leave some snarky comment later about them being rude.

Would leave the last piece of his favourite cake for you to eat and pretend that he did not want it at the moment.

Claude Faustus:

Would carry you piggy-back if you felt tired during a stroll. The distance wouldn’t bother him in the slightest, he could actually carry you all the way there and back.

Would secretly take care of your plants and pets to make sure that they are feeling as good as possible to reduce your eventual stress. Especially about the plants dying—with him by your side, they will all wonderfully bloom.

Alois Trancy:

Would often leave some surprise gifts for you, including your favourite candies, the pair of shoes which caught your attention one day, the perfume which smell you enjoyed, this overly expensive and completely unnecessary mug you spotted in the shop, the supplies needed for your passion.

Would run a bath for you, the one with a lot of candles, oils, foam or the most ridiculous bath bombs he could find. It is important that you would feel like a princess all the time and spoiling you is one of his favourite activities.

William T. Spears:

Would always bring a bottle of water, a candy bar and either a scarf or a sunscreen wherever you go together. Just in case you got thirsty or hungry or cold or if there was too much sun. Humans are so fragile, after all, and who else is going to take proper care of you if not him?

Would always scold the person who interrupted your speaking and point out the lack of good manners. When you’re talking, the others should listen, he always does.

Ronald Knox:

Would always know just the right place to have some fun and forget about the everyday troubles. You will be surprised about the knowledge he has, no bar could possibly hide from him. Still, if you would want to come back home, he wouldn’t insist on staying and would always respect your decision.

Would take you to the escape room for your birthday and then be the one who panics the most about not being able to find the way out. If you would find more clues than him, he would pout a little but compliment you and your wit nevertheless.

Snake:

Wherever he would go, Snake would always leave you some sweet letters on the fridge. Sometimes they would lead to the breakfast he prepared for you when you were sleeping, sometimes they would only state the simple: ‘I love you.’

Would be the one to go the basement for that one jar of the strawberry jam you so adored, no matter how the chills on his back would tell him to go back.

Finny:

Would carry all the groceries for you. He might leave one single bag so you wouldn’t feel left behind but that would be it, the rest is his. Moreover, he would carry them all in one hand, the other reserved to hold yours while you go to the home together.

Would never miss an opportunity to kiss you in the rain, even if it means waking you up at dawn. The idea comes from all the romantic movies he wanted to watch with you, all of them bringing him to tears and the overwhelming happiness of having you by his side.

Baldroy:

Contrary to his usual driving style, he would be way too careful while driving with you, suddenly minding all rules and even using signals! He would shout at the other drivers and call them reckless if they outrun him. Your safety is top priority and he doesn’t want to look like a roadhog in your eyes.

Would send you a lot of random photos of things he finds nice, hoping to share his excitement with you. Sometimes it could be a cute dog, sometimes a limited edition package of cigarettes.

Edward Midford:

Would always offer his help in whatever thing you were currently doing, be it a laundry or some school/college/job project. Having a surprising amount of knowledge for many various subjects, he can actually be very helpful but if not, he would simply prepare your favourite beverage and keep an eye on you so you wouldn’t ruin your sleeping schedule.

Would always be a perfect gentleman around you, kissing your knuckles, holding the door for you and adressing you properly and speaking of you respectfully—even if you wouldn’t be around him at the moment. His attutude is not a game, after all, he simply is that way.

Prince Soma:

Would try and fail to prepare a breakfast to bed for you. It would look really nasty, toasts burnt, eggs almost raw and what is even that thing on the plate? Still, it’s the intentions that count, right?

Would often encourage you to dance in the middle of the room with him whenever your song would play. It doesn’t matter if you’re a good dancer or not, it would be all about fun and giggles and you’ll eventually forget about the eventual lack of skills or rhythm while being in his arms.

Agni:

Would always ask how did your day go, if it was pleasant or not, and then he would listen to the whole story you gave him, no matter how long. He loves hearing from you and it’s important to know how do you feel. Naturally, he would comfort you if it was bad and would cook your favourite meal.

Would agree to watch the film of your choice, whether he enjoyed it or not and would never complain about it, even if he almost fell asleep during.

Charles Grey:

Would take you to McDonald’s at 2 a.m.

Would literally fight anyone who’d dare to catcall you on the street, you won’t be able to stop him, he’s throwing fists already. And winning!

Charles Phipps:

Would pay a surprising amount of attention to the way your bedroom or apartment is decorated. It’s all because of his intention to make it as comfortable as possible and so, he would often buy you some useful gadgets or pretty decor stuff. He has some really good taste.

Would make phone calls and schedule any doctor’s appointments for you, it doesn’t affect him in the slightest and if you’re having troubles with such, he’s happy to help.

[writinglizards]

Can I be Close to You?

Summary: Geralt's been dealing with Hanahaki for a while. Jaskier comes down with it, too. 

OR, what happens when you're in love with your best friend and your best friend (apparently) falls for another?

This one is for @witcher-and-his-bard both because she’s had a blah day and because this whole fic is her fault anyway. Hope you enjoy it, darling!

Read on Ao3

Witchers don't love. They may feel more emotions than they let on, may be fond of people and places and animals, but they don't love. Not like humans do. Hanahaki isn't something witchers get.

Except Geralt is, once again, proving to be a very stunning exception to every witcher rule.

It doesn't happen all at once. A cough here, a shortness of breath there. It starts after the fiasco with the djinn, when Geralt realized he really would do anything for his bard. As he parts with Jaskier in the fall and treks up the mountain pass to Kaer Morhen, he knows something is off, but what, he doesn't know.

He spends a long winter mostly normally. There's training and chores and long nights playing gwent. He still feels a little breathless, sometimes, but it's not getting worse, so he doesn't really think about it.

He coughs up the first petal on his way down the mountain that spring. It's delicate and butter yellow and just like that, everything slots into place. Hanahaki. Buttercups. Fuck.

---------------------

Hanahaki is a slow death, everyone knows. How beautiful, to love so deeply, so completely that it consumes you. How tragic, for that love to be unspoken, unreturned. The poets, the romantics, love Hanahaki. It's the physical embodiment of that which they wish to put into words.

Geralt thinks it's fucking annoying.

For the few years following that first petal, it's...almost okay. He coughs, sometimes. His chest hurts, sometimes. He can't quite catch his breath, sometimes. But it's all rather rare. Jaskier hardly even notices, even when he's discreetly coughing petals into his fist. It hurts. It's fine.

Gradually, the coughing becomes normal. The petals get more common. It's no longer a single petal, but multiple ones. Partial blooms. Whole buds. He may be able to conceal the little buttercups still, but he won't be able to hide the illness from Jaskier much longer.

His chest hurts near constantly, the spring he comes down the mountain and knows Jaskier will find out. He'd been unable to keep it from Eskel this year and the look he'd given Geralt had been...painful. Upsetting.

Tell him, he'd said, don't make me lose another brother, Geralt. We can't do this without you.

They'll have to, eventually. There's no way Jaskier could ever love him, not like this, not like Geralt loves him--this fragile, delicate thing in his chest, slowly being consumed by flowers. Geralt wouldn't ask that of him, anyway, to love a monster.

---------------------

They meet up on the path at a no-name village at the base of the Blue Mountains, like always. He's nervous this year--he doesn't want to see the look on Jaskier's face when he finds out, doesn't want the pity he's sure will be there in his gaze. Just thinking about it makes his chest hurt, fills him with a flutter of panic.

Jaskier's already got a room at the inn, as he usually does when he beats Geralt to the little village. Geralt knows because as he'd come in, the innkeep had tipped his head towards the stairs with a smile and Geralt had thanked him, ordered their dinner, and ascended the stairs with a curling warmth in his chest. The minute he smells Jaskier's blood on the air, that warmth turns to ice.

"Jaskier?" He's already pushing the door open and marching in, muscles tight with tension. He's not sure what he's expecting, but finding Jaskier bent over a bowl, vomiting tiny white flowers, hands shaking, isn't it.

Conscious thought clatters to a stop even as he steps forward, slips a gauntleted hand into Jaskier's hair to hold the fringe out of his eyes as he heaves, tears running down his cheeks. He hears his own voice as if from under water shushing and soothing, free hand rubbing gently at Jaskier's back.

When the fit seems to have passed, Jaskier shoves the bowl of bloody flowers away, leans heavily against Geralt's chest, breathing ragged. Geralt wants to ask so many questions. Instead, he waits, holds him upright, lets his breathing calm, lets him wipe the tears from his eyes.

"Ask," Jaskier rasps, not moving.

"Hm?"

"You want to ask, ask." He sounds so, so tired. Geralt wants to bundle him up in his cloak, take him back up the pass to Kaer Morhen, tuck him into his bed. There are so many reasons why he can't do that, but gods does he want to.

"How long?" Hanahaki's a slow disease. For Jaskier to be hacking up whole little buds, tiny unfurled flowers? This is advanced.

The smile Jaskier gives is sharp and painful. His teeth are bloody. "Six months," he says. And that's...that's too fast. It would have started just before the harvest festival and...fuck. Jaskier had been a little too pale, a little too quiet, hadn't he? Had Geralt really missed this?

"Jaskier--"

"I know," he cuts off, finally pushing out of Geralt's hold, crossing the room to the water pitcher. "I know. It's--I've always been one to fall hard, you know?" He does. "And by the time I realized, well--" he shrugs.

He watches as Jaskier rinses his mouth out, spits the now pink water into the ruined bowl, overly casual, and realizes...he can't do this.

"Who is it?" he asks, because he is not about to watch the man he loves die. Everyone loves Jaskier. Whoever this is the bard is pining for? They'll love him back. He's sure of it. They'd be a fool not to.

Jaskier stiffens. "I'm not--Geralt," he sighs hard, doesn't turn around. "Geralt, I'm not going to tell them. It's--it would upset them. It's fine."

"No," he grinds out, "it's not fine." He presses up into Jaskier's space, spins him with a hand on his shoulder. "I refuse to watch you die, Jaskier."

The look he gives him is painful in its hopelessness. It doesn't belong on his face, makes Geralt's chest tight. He can feel the tickle of a cough in response, thinks about how poorly timed a coughing fit would be right now and suppresses it, only just. "Geralt," Jaskier says, voice patient and still a little raw, "They won't love me back. Telling them would only hurt both of us. It's...I'd be okay. Dying for them."

"You shouldn't have to," he says, voice gravel rough.

"It is what it is, Geralt," he sighs, "I just--I just want us to have a normal year, okay? Just a normal year." Geralt hears what he isn't saying. I won't make it to the next one.

---------------------

Despite his reservations, Geralt lets Jaskier talk him into setting out on the path. A normal year, despite the fact nothing about this is normal.

Those differences make themselves known long before the end of the first day. Geralt quickly realizes that Jaskier's lung capacity has been greatly diminished--he struggles to keep up with Roach at even the most relaxed pace, needs frequent and long breaks. Geralt's tempted to offer Jaskier his spot on Roach's back but he has a feeling the offer will be ill-received. A normal year would not involve Geralt catering to Jaskier's wants or needs.

Instead, Geralt deliberately slows their pace, takes frequent breaks, and doesn't point out Jaskier's wheezing or the exhausted way he collapses at the end of the day, even though watching him push himself like this is painful. As if to add insult to injury, he isn't singing, either. He still carries his lute, but it's clear his lungs are too burdened to accomplish even the most gentle of singing. It's...upsetting. And Geralt can see how it weighs on him.

The only silver lining is that Jaskier's so fatigued he doesn't catch on that Geralt's not quite well, either. He's frequently passed out cold when Geralt has his worst fits first thing in the morning, buttercups coming up in clusters, stems and leaves attached. And if his voice is a rougher, a little lower, a little more torn up? Jaskier doesn't seem to notice.

It takes them almost three times as long to reach the next town as it should and it's making Geralt jittery. There's no contract posted, but Jaskier looks bad and Geralt's worried. His own chest is overly tight, his own breathing much shallower than normal, but it doesn't matter when Jaskier looks ready to faint on the spot, too pale, too quiet. He spends the last of his coin from the previous fall on a room and a meal and hopes a day's worth of rest will be enough.

---------------------

"Geralt? Do you have a contract?" Jaskier asks the next morning from where he's curled up in the single bed, groggy and hardly awake.

"No."

"Uh, okay...?" Jaskier yawns, which devolves into a coughing fit. Geralt's head snaps up from where he's sitting with his steel sword balanced on his knees, partially meditating. He's about to cross the room and do...something when Jaskier holds up a hand in placation. Geralt stills, watches with a sick feeling in his chest as Jaskier coughs and coughs and coughs. It subsides only when he spits out another fistful of tiny jasmine flowers into his hand, collapsing back on the bed.

"Okay?" Geralt asks, can hear the tightness in his own voice.

"Mm-hm," Jaskier groans, sounding anything but.

Geralt takes a deep, steadying breath in preparation to start the argument again--who is it, Jaskier? Let me help you--but Jaskier starts talking again before he can.

"Why'd you let me sleep in if there's no contract?" He sounds like he's been gargling with rocks. Geralt watches as he thrusts the balled-up fist of flowers over the edge of the bed, lets the bloody, torn things drift to the floor. They look the way Geralt feels--ruined, discarded. His own chest aches.

"You need the rest," he says. Jaskier tenses. Geralt knows it's the wrong thing to say but it's the truth.

"I don't need you to baby me, Geralt. You've never cared before."

That's not true, he thinks but doesn't say. He cares so, so much.

"Jaskier--"

"No," he cuts Geralt off, pushing up onto an elbow to level him with a look that cuts like a knife, "you don't get to do this to me. I choose this, Geralt."

"I--"

"This is where I want to be. On the Path." The with you goes unsaid, but Geralt can feel it hang in the air, the shape of it. He sucks in a breath that catches in his throat, throws him into a coughing fit.

"Geralt?" The worry in Jaskier's voice, the sudden tone shift, is painful. He wants to reassure him, but he's choking on buttercups and blood, stems and leaves. He hears him rise from the bed, stumble over beside him. Gently, Jaskier shifts his sword out of the way, sets it aside. He runs his hand down Geralt's back in a soothing gesture. "Geralt, what's--?" He spits the first of the flowers, still hacking. Jaskier goes very, very still. The hand on his back slows before balling into the fabric, grip tight.

"Ask," Geralt rasps between coughs, an echo of Jaskier's own words a few weeks prior.

"How long." His voice is hauntingly devoid of emotion. Geralt coughs again, chest aching as he brings up another bloody bouquet. He pants through it, gasping for air.

"Since the djinn," he breathes out weakly. Jaskier makes an awful noise.

"Oh, that's--" he cuts himself off, makes that same strangled little sound in the back of his throat again. "That's a long time," he says finally. He thinks Jaskier sounds strange, but his head is spinning from the lack of oxygen and it's hard to tell.

He doesn't respond, just focuses on calming his breathing. He doesn't want another coughing fit if he can help it. The back of his neck feels hot and he knows he's flushed with both exertion and embarrassment.

"I didn't know witchers could get Hanahaki," he says, voice still a little off.

"We don't," Geralt answers. His throat feels on fire, his chest hurts like he's been thrown around by a leshen.

"You do," Jaskier says slowly, "apparently."

"Hm."

It's silent for too long. Geralt finds himself staring blindly at the bloody little buttercups. This is it. Jaskier has to know.

The bunched fist in the back of his shirt eases, carefully. Too carefully. Geralt feels the strain in it. "We need to go see Yennefer," Jaskier says. His voice is also too careful. Carefully controlled, like it usually is when he's performing. Or putting on an act.

"Okay," Geralt agrees. He knows what Jaskier must be thinking--mages can cure Hanahaki, sometimes. It's...painful. Awful. Not something most people want. It's ripping a part of yourself away, the part that loves. Geralt's terrified of it, but he'll do it, if that's what Jaskier wants from him. He knows Jaskier must hate the idea of Geralt being in love with him, especially now that he's in love with another, no way to return it. Geralt's often been ashamed of feeling too much, but this is...worse.

"She'll fix this," Jaskier says, and Geralt can smell the salty tang of unshed tears in the air, "she'll fix this."

---------------------

They spend the rest of the day at the inn. Geralt knows Jaskier's upset, but at what exactly, it's hard to say. He’ll hardly look at Geralt for more than the briefest glances and keeps himself well outside of casual touching distance, which is strange for the normally tactile bard. He's either upset Geralt kept this secret from him, or he's upset Geralt's in love with him. Probably both.

Despite the distance he seems to be forcing between them, he bullies Geralt into bed beside him for the second night, doesn't let him meditate or sleep on the floor as he'd planned.

"Geralt, I know mornings with this are worse when you sleep on the floor. Sleep on the fucking bed."

"What happened to 'don't baby me'?"

"Fuck you, witcher. Get your ass on the bed. And don't hog all the sheets."

They settle, finally. Geralt lays on his back, staring up at the ceiling, trying not to be hyperaware of Jaskier, curled on his side, back to him.

He dozes off, eventually, to the quiet wheeze of Jaskier's breath, a bubble of anxiety in his chest.

---------------------

He wakes an indeterminate amount of time later to find the bed beside him empty and cold, the tremble of suppressed sobs and the salty tang of tears on the air. He lays very, very still.

"--'s not fucking fair," Jaskier gasps, sucking in a harsh breath that turns into a hiccupping little sob. "Fuck."

Geralt listens to the hitched breathing that turns into a round of coughs, the wet, hacking sound of little snow-white flowers leaving Jaskier's lips. The way he tries to muffle the sobs, the coughs, with a hand over his mouth. Geralt feels cold. He hates that he's done this to Jaskier, made him this upset. He wishes he could take it back, keep this awful, painful love to himself. Jaskier shouldn't suffer because he can't return what Geralt feels.

After the third coughing fit in the last fifteen minutes, Geralt gives up the pretense of sleep and rouses, rises from the bed.

"'m sorry," Jaskier croaks when Geralt rubs his back, pours him a glass of water from the pitcher. It hurts that Jaskier thinks he needs to apologize. This isn't his fault, after all.

"Back to bed. We've still got a few hours." Jaskier follows, quiet and subdued. He's exhausted, eyes red-rimmed and cheeks still wet.

They settle, that sliver of space between them as always. Geralt's just starting to drift when--

"Geralt?"

"Hm?"

"Um--" he trails off. Geralt cracks his eyes open, tips his head to look at Jaskier. He looks miserable. Tired. "--nevermind."

"What do you need, Jask?" he asks, quiet.

"Hold me?" he whispers, eyes fixed firmly on the edge of the sheet. Geralt's heart clenches. "I know it's not fair to ask that of you, but--"

"Come here," Geralt says, voice rough. Jaskier shuffles over, awkward. Geralt curls his arm around Jaskier's back, tugs him over so his head rests on Geralt's chest, ear pressed just above his too-slow heartbeat. He settles his hand on the curve of Jaskier’s hip, tries not to enjoy holding him too much--it’s about comfort, not Geralt.

They're still and quiet for a beat. "Thank you," Jaskier mumbles, voice thick with something Geralt can't name. "I know it's not--just. Thank you."

"Shh. Sleep."

They do.

---------------------

They leave the inn bright and early, after only a single round of awful coughing on Geralt's part. Jaskier's stiff and rigid, watching him hack up the flowers, and Geralt hates that Jaskier knows. This was so much easier to bear when there was still a ghost of a chance he returned Geralt's affections. Now--

"So how are we going to find her?" Jaskier asks, during one of the numerous breaks early in the morning.

"We're not," he says. Jaskier opens his mouth to protest, brow pinched in unhappiness. Geralt speaks again before he can get the words out, "We're going to see Triss. She'll know how to find Yen."

"Oh," he deflates. "Don't you, I don't know," he gestures vaguely, "have some magic way of getting ahold of her?"

"A xenovox?" He asks. Jaskier makes a 'whatever' kind of noise that makes Geralt's lips twitch in the ghost of a smile. "No. Triss does, though."

"Ah." He doesn't looks happy, per se, but-- "Okay."

---------------------

"Yes, I can get ahold of her for you," Triss says when they track her down. She's still in Temeria, still serving the king. "Or at least, I can leave her a message. She doesn't much care for answering, usually," she laughs.

"Hm." That sounds like Yen.

"Tell her it's urgent," Jaskier pipes up, expression pinched.

"Is there anything I can do? If it's urgent, I mean."

Triss might actually be the better option, Geralt thinks, if he wants this love torn out of him. She's a healer; he knows first hand she has quite the skill. He could--

"No," Jaskier's already shaking his head, "we appreciate your offer, Triss, darling, but it's got to be Yennefer." His voice is strained. He coughs, a tiny thing he suppresses with difficulty. Geralt can hear him holding his breath to stave off the fit.

"Yes," he agrees slowly. He's...not sure why Jaskier's so insistent on it being Yennefer. They don't even like each other, and he's always liked Triss well enough. "Sorry, Triss."

She corners him before they leave. "He's not well." She'd obviously taken notice of the coughing.

"I know."

"I can--" she winces, gestures vaguely. She's offering to tear it out, the love. He knew she'd be the better bet.

"You can ask him, Triss, but I don't think he wants that. He told me he was...okay. Dying for them."

She makes a strangled noise. "Geralt--"

"We're not talking about it."

She's quiet for a long time. "At least take this." She shoves a bottle of something dried at him, "it won't fix anything long term, but it will help. Mix it with some tea." He takes the little bottle, tucks it into his things.

"Thank you, Triss."

---------------------

Geralt's still trying to figure out where to go from here when Yen tracks them down at an inn they've been staying at a few weeks later. He's just finished an easy drowner hunt and they're planning to pack in the morning. The dried herbs from Triss have helped, but they're not a miracle cure. And Jaskier refuses to take them unless Geralt does too.

"Now what about this is urgent?" she asks, stepping out of the crowd to settle at their table beside Jaskier without invitation. The bard splutters, choking on his ale. It sends him into a coughing fit. His hand flashes out across the table and Geralt reaches back automatically, lets him grip him hard as he shakes his way through the hacking. Yen watches silently, eyes wide.

"Shh," Geralt soothes, slips up from his seat to crouch beside Jaskier when he doesn't recover quickly enough, hands still linked. They're starting to draw attention, so Geralt uses his bulk to shield Jaskier from the scrutiny of the room, "it's okay, Jask." Geralt doesn't breathe easy until Jaskier spits up the little fistful of bloody jasmines, panting.

"Oh," Yen says, voice strange.

"'M not--" Jaskier breaks off, clears his throat, grimacing. He flexes his grip around Geralt's hand once before letting go, "It's not about me."

"It should be," she says. Her gaze cuts over to Geralt, the look in her eyes hostile and reprimanding.

"No, Yennefer--" he starts, gaze jumping fast between her and Geralt, "can I talk to you? Alone?" Geralt startles, tries not to show it. Yen glances up at him where he's still standing.

"Go, Geralt. Your bard and I need to have a talk."

"Hm," Jaskier won't look at him, "I'll go check on Roach."

---------------------

He takes his time brushing her down for the second time that day and forces his mind quiet, focuses on getting her hair all laying the same direction. He's...not trying to listen for the swirl of their conversation in the mix from the tavern. It just...kind of happens.

"Jaskier--"

"He knows and he doesn't feel the same, Yennefer. It's...fine."

"He's an idiot, bard. Did you--"

"No, doesn't matter."

"Then why--"

"He's in love with you."

Geralt's focus breaks when his breath catches and dissolves into another coughing fit. The buttercups are painful little reminders, bright and beautiful, even splattered in blood. He gathers them up, tucks them into his pouch for a lack of anything else to do with them. Jaskier thinks he's in love with Yen? Why--

"Geralt," Yen hums, appearing as if summoned by his thought (she very well might be).

"Yen." He turns to face her, leans his weight against the door of Roach's stall. He's still a little short of breath, knows he looks a sight.

She sighs, long-suffering. "I'm only going to ask you this once--why do you think your bard wanted me here?"

He's...not sure what game they're playing here. "He's...unhappy. With me." Her expression pinches and he can tell she's hanging on to her patience with him by a thread.

"Why?"

"Because--" he sucks in a deep breath, hates that he has to say this out loud, "--because I'm in love with him, and he's in love with another," he finishes quietly.

She makes an awful noise, patience snapping, "And how do I factor into that, Geralt?" She's pissed, but Geralt's not sure who at, honestly.

"He wants the Hanahaki gone...doesn't he?" He can't help make the statement a question. Yen looks like she's going to strangle someone (maybe him).

"You're both fucking idiots," she seethes, "and I would normally refuse to have anything to do with this but I promised your fucking bard, so--" she gestures viciously behind her, "lead the way to your room, witcher."

Geralt does, feeling like he's missing something.

---------------------

When they make it up to the room they're renting for the night, Jaskier is there, looking drawn and highly uncomfortable.

"Yen, I told you I didn't need to be here," he mutters. He won't meet either of their gazes.

"No," she says, voice firm, "you do. Now, Geralt," she turns on her heel to face him, "the only way to get rid of Hanahaki--no, don't interrupt me, we're not doing that--the only way to get rid of Hanahaki is to confess your love to the person the flowers are for." He shifts his weight, gaze jumping to Jaskier whose eyes are still downturned, before settling back on Yen. "Who are your flowers for, Geralt?"

He feels breathless, like he might be about to have a coughing fit again. "I'm--"

"I told you they're for you, Yennefer. Don't make him say it. Please."

"Jaskier, I told you to be quiet," she snaps, "who are they for Geralt?" Her gaze never leaves his, a sharp, angry challenge.

"They're not for you," he tells her. It's obviously not quite what she wants to hear, from the way her scowl deepens.

"You're fucking impossible," she tells him, the same time Jaskier makes a harsh little yelping sound. Geralt's gaze snaps to him.

"Geralt, you can't--" he's scrambling up, crossing the room, "you have to tell her, Geralt, or you'll die. Don't make me watch that." The scent of his worry, his panic, is heavy on the air, sour milk and fruit gone rotten. "She'll love you back, Geralt. It's okay."

His chest hurts. It's only partly from the coughing. "Jaskier--"

"Geralt, where are they? Your little flowers?" Reluctantly, he pulls the little handful of buttercups from his pouch, not sure where she's taking this. "Jaskier, they're buttercups," she says, tone harsh. He just makes a painful little noise.

"I know," he says, voice strained, “It’s hardly fair, is it?” His tone is light but obviously forced. Yennefer sighs, changes tactics.

"Jaskier, who are your flowers for?" She asks, gentle. He makes another little noise.

"Yennefer--"

"Did he tell you what he thought you wanted? Why you wanted him to see me?" She doesn't wait for an answer, "he thought you wanted his Hanahaki gone, Jaskier. Ripped out. He was going to let me do that."

"What? Geralt, I wouldn't--why would I--?" There are tears brimming in his eyes, "I'd never ask that of you, Geralt. Why would you think I would?"

"Why do you think I love Yen?" he asks in return. Yen makes a disgusted sound.

"This is enough. Figure yourselves out; I'm leaving. Don't have Triss call me again unless it's a real emergency." In the next breath, she's stepped through a portal. Gone.

"Geralt?" Jaskier's quiet question draws his attention back. He looks-- "Geralt, who is it?"

"Who else would it be?" he finds himself saying, "They're buttercups, Jaskier."

"I thought--" there are tears rolling down his cheeks, "I thought it was so cruel. For destiny to give you buttercups."

"I'm sorry," Geralt murmurs, reaches up to brush the tears away, "I know you don't--"

"You idiot," Jaskier laughs, a wet sound, "mine are for you, too."

Geralt feels the tightness in his chest fade, like heat leeching away in the cold. He hadn't realized how oppressive the blooms had become until they were gone.

He doesn't know what to do with Jaskier looking at him so full of love and relief. It's overwhelming and he can't help himself--he pulls him in for a kiss, slow and gentle, arms around his waist. Jaskier's fingers slip up into his hair, tilt his head to a more satisfactory angle. They only break when their lungs begin to burn, and then it isn't to go very far. Jaskier presses lingering kisses to his cheeks, his jaw, his throat. Geralt shivers.

"I'd always known you'd kill me, darling," he breathes. Geralt slips his arms a little more securely around his waist, presses a palm flat to the small of his back, kisses down his throat to the open vee of his doublet and the ties of his chemise, temptingly on display.

"'M sorry it took me so long," he says, voice low. Jaskier presses closer in his embrace, winds his arms around his neck. "I was so afraid--"

"I know," Jaskier cuts him off gently, tugs him up for another kiss, slow and unhurried. "I know." When they pull away, Jaskier cups his face in his hands, rubs his thumbs across the arch of his cheekbones, "I was terrified too, love. What a pair we make, hm?"

Geralt hums in response. Jaskier laughs.

"Love you too, darling." He says it light and teasing, but the flowers, the look in his eyes, belie how much he means it.

Geralt swallows hard. "You too," he says, voice rough. He clears his throat, tries again, "I love you too, Jaskier." It comes out a little stilted, but the look on Jaskier's face--

He tugs Geralt down into another kiss. "You're entirely too sweet," he murmurs against his lips. And well. Maybe it's not so bad, loving Jaskier when that love's returned. He presses him backward towards the bed, listens to the delighted burst of laughter Jaskier makes as the back of his knees hit the mattress and he collapses backward, dragging Geralt down with him.

No, it's not so bad at all.

[petri808]

Oh look at the date! Klance ficlet for @diablosart they know why lol 😏

“What the hell we’re you thinking?!” Keith snapped as he popped his helmet off and chucked it hard at the ground. “Thanks to you were now trapped in a cave in!”

“Look, I’m sorry! I got distracted!” Lance snapped back.

“By what?! We were supposed to be scanning for the jababian dagger. What were you doing, watching your smut videos again?!”

Lance pulled off his helmet with a scoff. “First off, I don’t watch smut videos. Second, even if I did, that’s none of your business. And third, no, I was scanning, just wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

Keith rolled his eyes and spat back with a sarcastic riff. “Well that explains why you knocked both our cats out of the damn air crashing us into this place!”

Using a flashlight, Keith scanned the inside of the cave and noticed a lot of fractures spanning the walls. According to the computer in his Lion, the cave was full of an unstable and weak type of volcanic rock. ‘No wonder it caved in so easily…’ He groaned again. “Just great, if we try to blast our way out, it might collapse the ceiling on us.” Keith walked over to his helmet and picked it up. “I’ll need to do a thorough analysis before attempting to break free. The computers on the ship could do a better job scanning this cave, but they won’t arrive until morning.”

“Are you serious?! We’re stuck in here?!”

“At least for the night, so, stop your bitching since you’re the one who got us into this mess! Why don’t you start a fire while I get to work with the computer.”

“Fine,” Lance stomped away muttering to himself. He was just happy Keith was too irritated and didn’t press him further on what he’d been distracted about.

The pair had been sent ahead of the rest of the Voltron group to look for some kind of special dagger. Lance couldn’t remember what was so important about it, just that it possessed magical properties and they didn’t want it falling into the enemy’s hands. A distress signal was sent out to their ship, so now they just needed to settle in and stay warm until help arrived. He managed to find a cache of old animal bones deeper in the cave to use as fuel for the fire, coupled with some dried leaves and tetrodontyl feathers that must have blown in over the years for kindling. Whether it would last the night was yet to be seen, but it was all he had to work with. Their Lions only held so much in terms of supplies because they weren’t meant to hold long term reserves. But luckily there were emergency blankets and some instant rations they could eat.

Lance never realized just how cold and uninviting a cave could truly be until he became stuck in one. It was creepy with the sounds of bugs scurrying in the darkness, water drops echoing through the silent air, and occasional cracking sounds from any temperature fluctuations. He hated the quiet emptiness because it left open room for his mind to wander and more thoughts to break through as he stared into the flames of their campfire. Lance frowned and brows furrowed, remembering the distraction that led to this debacle. Of course, this was the opposite of what he would have wanted! Their lions sustained damage, and to be stuck, alone, with the reason for his distracted mind was causing his stomach to turn inside out.

Maybe Lance should have pushed Keith harder to drag Pidge or Hunk or Allura along on this trip and not him, anyone but him. He didn’t want to come. Didn’t want to be alone with the man. Hasn’t, for a while now ever since he’d developed different feelings for the guy. ‘How ironic,’ Lance groaned in his head. To go from professional jealousy to romantic pining, he was such a fool. Could anyone blame him? Keith was handsome and smart, but not surprisingly it took someone who could be as hot-headed as himself to catch his eye. Or maybe it was surprising if Lance really thought about it. Girls easily caught his attention, but with Keith it was an attraction that grew through close working confines and of admiration. In essence, he fell for the character of the man and not just for his looks.

“Oi?” Keith snapped his fingers to get Lance’s attention. “The eta is now 8 hours till Shiro and the rest get here.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, okay.” Lance responded in a rather distracted tone that mirrored the monotonous looping thoughts in his head. He felt horrible about causing this disaster in the mission while at the same time kept thinking about Keith…

“That’s all you can say?” Keith questioned his teammate. “Okay?” But when he received no response, he pushed the man’s shoulder hard. “What is going on with you lately Lance? You’ve been distracted a lot and it’s starting to affect your performance.”

“Am I not allowed to have a bad day?” Lance retorted. “Everyone has their bad days, man, it’s not always a crisis.”

Keith sighed. His anger had dissipated but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still annoyed. He thought they were close enough friends that would turn to each other if something was wrong, but apparently he was mistaken. “It’s my job as the leader to worry, so cut the bullshit Lance. I know enough to know something is really bothering you. If you don’t wanna talk about it, fine, but you need to figure it out cause this,” he gestured to their damaged lions, “can’t keep happening.”

“I know, I know,” Lance dropped his head with a long exhale. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to screw up. It’s just— there’s something eating me up and I have no idea what to about it.”

A silence took hold as the two men sat there illuminated by the fire’s light. Keith didn’t want to keep pushing, but he could see the angst on Lances face and it bothered him. In all the years they’ve known each other, there was only one other time he’d ever seen the man so… sad? But it couldn’t be for the same reason, because if Lance had met a new girl he was interested in, Keith was certain he would have heard about it immediately. Lance wasn’t exactly shy about the subject unlike himself. So, what could it be? Keith stared at the fire as he pondered what to say next, but nothing really felt right to say to his friend. This wasn’t exactly a topic he was skilled in with his own little buried secret. For the next couple of hours, they stayed that way, shifting only to stoke the fire or eat some of the rations they had available. It would probably be a great idea to get some rest, but neither made a move to do so. Just… kept staring in awkward silence at a dying fire.

The temperature change in the cavern was slower than it would have been if exposed to the outside air, but nonetheless, by the mid-way mark of their wait the pair could feel it dropping. Blankets were pulled tighter around their bodies in an effort to hold back the cold, and the men had moved closer together to conserve the body heat between them. Maybe it was the exhaustion kicking in, but the limited distance no longer bothered Lance. The hours of silent reflection were also leading him to one conclusion. If he wanted to stop the frustration, coming clean was the best solution. Yet one thing kept holding him back from making the leap— the proverbial aftermath.

Yeah, so telling Keith how he really felt might take the weight off his shoulders, but what would happen after that? What if Keith is disgusted? He’ll not only lose a friend, but how could they continue working together? That would be so uncomfortable! Lance groaned in his head. Would he be willing to give up his role in Voltron? What if Keith ended up leaving instead, causing him to feel guilty about it? Would the others hold it against him? Maybe if they talked it out, they can work out something amicable… ‘Argh!’ Lance screamed in his head as cradled his lowered head. Why did he fall for a teammate!

Keith looked over at the movement and saw Lance’s demeanor. “If you’re tired, why don’t you rest?”

“It’s not that,” Lance mumbled. “I mean I am, but it’s not that.”

“Oh…”

“Have you ever had a crush on someone but didn’t know how to tell them?”

‘So it is over a girl…’ Keith’s brow raised. “Why can’t you tell them?”

“Because, it’s awkward when you’ve known them for so long.”

‘Huh, so maybe it is Allura.’ Keith couldn’t say he was surprised, but it stung just a little. “You should probably just tell them, I mean if it’s eating you up this bad, isn’t it better to just know how they feel too?”

“I don’t know…” Lance sighed. “It’s not like they’ve ever given me a reason to think they’d like me back.”

“Still, once you do know, you can start moving forward again, cause right now you’re stuck and that’s worse.”

Lance glanced over to Keith who was looking in his direction. The man was right. Didn’t make a decision any easier… but he was probably right and all he could do is hope for the best. That didn’t mean he was ready to face Keith head-on either or see the physical reaction the man might have. Lance turned his head away and kept his arms wrapped tightly around himself for protection. “It’s… you…” he mumbled quietly.

“Come again? I didn’t catch that.”

“I said… It’s you.” Lance mumbled again, but this time a little louder.

“Me??”

“See, yeah, I told you it would be awkward— just forget I said anything. I feel better just getting it out.”

Keith forced Lance to turn back to him. “No, I mean I was just surprised cause you���re always chasing after women, but—”

“I’ll just drop it and move on,” Lance cut him off. “I don’t wanna make you feel uncomfortable.”

“But that’s the thing,” Keith interjected, “I’m not. It’s okay because I’ve liked you too but I just thought you weren’t into guys.”

Lances eyes flashed wide. He really hadn’t expected such a response, especially not this quickly. “You do?” His voice trembled as he verified the man’s statement.

“Yeah…” Keith blushed. “I don’t exactly have experience in this stuff, but I like you too Lance.”

Lance jumped up in excitement. “Wow— for once my screw up turned out to be a good thing!”

“Uh-huh…” Keith chuckled. “But don’t do that again!”

[dottiechan]

ICEBREAKER Pt. 2 & 3

Read on AO3 (link in bio)

Part 1 | Part 2&3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7

Pairing: Crosshair x Reader x Hunter

Wordcount: 2060 (Pt. 2); 2050 (Pt. 3)

Summary:

Pt. 2:  Three are awake on the Marauder. Two are holding onto one another. One is barely holding on. (Hunter-centric chapter)

Pt. 3:  You can only keep saying no to your old addictions for so long before they return with full force. (Crosshair-centric chapter)

Warnings: cursing, smoking & implied nicotine addiction

Part 2

The stars streak and melt against the abyss of space, unsteady and bleeding. You miss the stationary points of light, precise and dependable and easy. Stars make constellations that guide you, that show you the way even when you're lost. Hyperspace just confuses you, chills you to the very bones, makes you feel more lost than you already do. Which, to be fair, is not too difficult right now.

Having left the ice planet behind after the successful elimination of a remote Separatist research centre, you're en route to Kamino once more. What's more, you have the cockpit all to yourself, and you sit with your knees up, head rested back, throat exposed, undone by the comfort of solitude as you allow yourself to lower your guard. It'd be peaceful on any other day.

But your mind is plagued by Tech's revelation.

Your rational side knows he must have made a mistake. After all, what's the chance of either of them liking you? And why would they? You're fighting together, and you're bleeding, and sweating, and trying, and maybe even dying together. But that's nothing more than what's expected of you, of each soldier of the GAR, clone or otherwise. You're coexisting now, but you could be reassigned at any moment really. You try to convince yourself that you wouldn't feel the change, that working with a squad other than the Bad Batch wouldn't chafe you terribly, but you see through your own lies.

Of course you'd hate it.

Where would you be without Tech's advice and sage-like aura? Without Wrecker's enthusiastic support? Without Crosshair correcting your stance when you shoot, without him always watching your six? Without Hunter's hand on your shoulder, saving you from dangerous situations, but also, and maybe most importantly, even from yourself?

It would be easy to answer those questions. But you don't have the power to do so now.

So you sit back, wishing for simpler times, times when your greatest worry was Bracca and thinking they hated you. You'd rather they hate you than... than what Tech said. Somehow the idea of either of them liking you in an unprofessional way, even remotely, sends your head spinning. It makes your throat constrict, it makes you feel unworthy and angry and confused beyond belief. The idea of both of them liking you at the same time - as outlandish as it sounds - just makes you absolutely lose your mind.

So you try not to think about them, you try not to think about Hunter's softness, and Crosshair's piercing gaze, and what it would be like to let them close to you. They already feel closer than what you're comfortable with. Maybe they are already closer than you know.

But they can't get any closer. You can't let them, and you promise yourself to shut them the fuck out. No, you don't deserve this, you don't deserve them fucking up whatever respect you've built up with the squad. And you don't have the right to mess up their friendship either. They belong with each other, all of them, and no matter how much you like calling them your boys inwardly, they'll never be yours. They'll always be a family, with or without you. And just who are you to tear it apart?

You try so hard to fit in, but it all seems too much, as if the four walls around you were pressing closer and closer until you suffocated, and you breathe in shakily, afraid of your doubts manifesting into anxiety.

But the slight tremor in your fingers is a telltale sign you can’t ignore. You are good at repressing emotions in the heat of battle, but you weren’t engineered to feel no stress. Nature formed you to thrive on it.

...

He's been awake ever since you refused to turn in and insisted on staying in the cockpit. Hyperspace en route to Kamino is the safest possible space travel for the squad, but he doesn't argue with you. At some point, Crosshair is up - he knows it's him from the very specific way his feet touch the ground. He skulks about the ship for a while before returning to bed. And then it's just you.

He's trying his very best to ignore you, he presses his pillow over his head and bites down on his lower lip so hard it almost draws blood. He hates the power you have over him, he hates how he can't have anything to himself anymore that isn't tainted by thoughts of you. And apparently, he can't even fucking sleep without knowing you're okay, calm, quiet, dozing off, hopefully dreaming about him.

But your next breath, it really sounds disturbed, almost gasping, and his heart clenches in his chest. He'd protect you from your very own thoughts too if he only knew how, but he grows shy whenever he sees an opportunity to really be there for you. All he ever wanted was to make you happy, and he doesn't know how it ended up like this, how his own happiness ended up being intertwined with yours so irreversibly. His own breathing grows a little more restless, chest rising and falling with your anxiety, throat tightening with your worry, mouth running dry with your confusion. And he'd take it all from you if he could, he'd drain you of all of your worries and pains if he knew you'd feel better.

He says he hates the power you have over him, but what he really hates is his inability to fight it.

He slips out of his bed, carefully and quietly to not wake the others, for once in his life grateful for Wrecker's loud snoring as it covers the sound of his footsteps on the metal flooring.

Before opening the door leading to the cockpit, he looks down at himself in his blacks, bandana abandoned with his gear back at the crew's quarters. He runs his fingers through his long curls in vain, fighting the urge to turn back and make himself more presentable, someone you could like. He's not doing this for himself, he scolds himself, but his insecurities keep buzzing in the back of his mind as he presses the button on the control panel and enters.

You've been crying.

The red rims around your eyes shatter his heart into a million pieces almost instantly, and he struggles to say anything for a second as you stare back at him wide eyed, startled. You're beautiful and sad and Hunter just wants to undo your pain any way he can. He'd be your collateral damage if you'd only let him.

"You should be resting," you say suddenly, the heels of your palms flying up to your tear streaked cheeks in a futile attempt to hide the fact that you've been crying. He wishes you wouldn't, he wishes you were comfortable with just being unapologetically yourself around him, sharing whatever sorrows and joys you had in your heart with him.

"I couldn't... You..."

"I'm fine." The little lie is so soft, almost like a caress against his cheek, a plea to let you wallow in your own misery. He'd never forgive himself for walking away now, and he can't understand why you want him to treat you so shitty.

"As your superior, I have a duty to make sure you're alright." He wants to wince when his words escape his mouth - he sounds so strict and stuck up and distant, and he wants to take it all back when a sour smile appears on your lips for a split second.

"I'm not crying as a soldier."

Hunter wills himself to sit, and forces himself to keep holding your gaze even though he wants to retreat. He's afraid, he's never been so close to breaking around you, but that damned shine in your bloodshot eyes doesn't let him back down. He knows he's already started down his road. Maybe it was time to commit to it.

"Well, I'm not asking as your sergeant then. I'm asking as your-"

"Friend?"

"I'm whatever you need me to be."

"I can't talk about it," you say after a short pause, looking away, leaving Hunter wonder whether that flush on your cheeks is because of him or not. He's disappointed you don't trust him, but he can't really be mad at you. He probably wouldn't trust himself in your place. And yet he can't stop yearning and wanting and tripping over his damn feet to make you feel better.

"That's okay. I'm still here, if you need me."

But maybe you don't need him, he thinks, his heart sinking, as he watches the colours of hyperspace reflect in your silent eyes. He stands, a hand stretching out towards you. He grabs the leather of your seat, digits sinking into it with helplessness before letting go completely, of the headrest, of your sadness, of you, and allows his own hell to swallow him up completely. He'll go back to his cot, and Wrecker snoring, and Tech mumbling in his sleep, and he'll listen to your misery in silence, suffering along mutely with every hitched, disturbed breath of yours. If that's how you want it to be, then he doesn't have the strength to change your mind.

You grab him in the corridor, catching him off-guard. He's always been off-centre around you, but so far it was only your retreats that unbalanced him. Your proximity is another intoxicating distraction, and for a moment, he feels like he can't move, he can't swallow, he can't reach out to touch you.

But you're hugging him, and how could he not return it?

Change comes slowly for him. First, it's his fingers that find your hair, and they tangle themselves in it at the nape of your neck tentatively. Your face is turned away from him, but your cheek is pressed firmly against his shoulder, and your arms have him locked in a tight hug, your ice cold fingertips seeping in his own heat. Hunter can't think straight, but he knows he's your lifeline now, and he slowly warms up, and tightens his embrace around you, and eventually holds you as if the world was ending, and you seem to need it. If only he could make your problems disappear simply by squeezing you against himself tightly enough.

It's unprofessional, so unprofessional, and yet nothing felt more natural to him than you in his arms, his nerve endings singing with the joy of your proximity. Now that he knows how sweet having you this close can truly be, he doesn't know how he's ever going to go entire days without your embrace. As if he needed anything else to prevent him from sleeping peacefully. He doesn't think he's slept well ever since you joined his team, and he doesn't seem to find it in his heart to regret it. It's bad, and destructive, and unhealthy, but it's also out of control, and Hunter promises himself not to stand in its way anymore.

No more swimming against the tide.

He just wishes, so desperately wishes he didn't have to hurt Crosshair in the process.

...

Fucking hell, he knew it'd hurt, he knew it'd come, inevitable and destructive like a tsunami, but he never actually believed it would be this bad, this paralysing. He hates it, he just wants it all to stop, he just wants to get out. But loving you doesn't seem to have an exit, and just like with breathing, the only way he'll stop doing it is when he dies.

But what's even worse than all the repressed anger and helplessness and loneliness is the hope, small and fragile but blinking steadfastly amidst the darkness of his feelings. The hope that - despite you being in Hunter's arms right now - somehow you'll still end up falling in love with him. It's false hope, Crosshair knows, but he just can't help holding onto it like a fucking lifeline.

He leans his head against the doorframe for a second, dizzy and momentarily overcome with sickness. Then he turns and lays down, curling up alone. Crosshair can't watch another second of this, of Hunter acting out all his forbidden fantasies until there's nothing left for him anymore.

He squeezes his eyes shut, but all he sees is Hunter's fingers tangled in your hair.

Part 3

You glance sideways, head propped up on your hands. He's surveying the street once more through the scope of his rifle. You consider yourself a rational person, someone who's not gross and would never violate any lines of decency, but there's something so unbelievably attractive about Crosshair as he aims his sniper rifle that you have a hard time restraining yourself from staring too much. Well, maybe you're willing to cross a few lines for him, but what the hell.

This stakeout is lengthy and has you stretched a little too thin anyways. Might as well pass the time with something.

Crosshair seems bored as well, more restless than usual. He lowers his gun and slings it over his shoulder, and you observe his lazy but meticulous movements, hoping to catch his attention before the silence drives you absolutely crazy. He comes to sit beside you on the rooftop as you watch the busy streets below you. You both know the rhythm of this place by heart now. First, there's a great bustling crowd in the late afternoon, mostly the poor workers of the adjacent factory fighting their way over to the beaten up shuttlebus station, and the merchants packing up shop and going home, leaving their stalls behind for the night. Then there are a few odd stragglers later, mostly seeking out the cheap watering hole on the other end of the street. And then around midnight, your separatist spy would finally show up to drop off his intel in the form of old, harmless looking datacards in a seemingly abandoned alley that ends in a cul-de-sac.

And then of course you'd alert the squad before the intel was retrieved, and Tech would make copies and start tracing the spy's sources, while Hunter would inform Commander Cody about the developments. Because there's a war on the other side of the planet that your information can help win, and while things look sad and boring here, at least this dusty city hasn't been bombed into oblivion yet.

"I can't wait to finally get the jump on this guy."

"Tech says we ought to wait a few more days," you remind Crosshair as you stretch your feet out in front of you.

"We're wasting our time here. There's a battle to be won on this very planet. So why are we stuck with this boring job?"

"Don't you like spending time with me?" you tease him, but you're scared of his answer, so you don't give him enough time to respond. "This is important. We're saving lives, Cross."

He bristles at the nickname, but nods reluctantly in the end. You hope it's the job he can't stand, and not you, because deep down you like this, you like not being shot at, you like having the upper hand, you like spending time with Crosshair, away from Hunter's suffocating lingering heavy with expectations posed towards you. You're none the wiser since you had that conversation with Tech some time ago, but you're all the more confused, and you're trying even harder to get back to how things were before. So maybe taking a page from Crosshair’s book and outright ignoring Hunter wasn’t the smartest idea, but you don’t have a better one yet.

"And who's going to save us before we die of boredom?"

From somewhere he produces a cigarette, and he flicks his toothpick off the roof before placing it between his lips. You raise your eyebrows, and he catches your eyes and smirks. He knows you've been trying to beat your own addiction, he knows how Hunter fucking hates the smell of smoke lingering about you, and maybe at this point he's only doing this to spite him, but he lights it, takes a drag and offers it to you.

"I really shouldn't," you wince, your rekindled craving suddenly running rampant in your veins. "I've been off it for a few months now."

"I've only got the one. But suit yourself," he shrugs, and takes another drag, smoke curling past his parted lips so enticingly that you lean closer involuntarily.

"I can't let you ruin your lungs alone." You break, and extend your hand. He chuckles, his fingers brushing against yours as he passes you the lit cigarette. You inhale the smoke, and you remember why you used to be so hung up on this shit as the nicotine soaks in your blood. Then you look at Crosshair, sweet and angry and oh so bitter Crosshair, and you soak him in too, unsurprised when he triggers the same reaction in you as nicotine does.

You remember why you used to be so hung up on him and you swallow hard, because all you can think about is what Hunter would say if he knew.

...

"I think I'm getting some sleep."

"Knock yourself out."

"I don't get how you're not tired."

"I am." If only you knew just how tired he really is, with all the pretending he has to do, with all the looking away whenever Hunter is by your side, hands drawn to you as if you were magnetic. But you are magnetic, you fucking are, he knows, he has a hard enough time to tear his gaze away from you constantly. He dreads to even think of what it would be like to have to keep his hands away from you too. He'd probably go mad.

That's why he never touches you, he avoids you, he withdraws like the losing party he is.

"Well, spyboy has already made his appearance tonight. It wouldn't be characteristic of him to come back again," you shrug. “Maybe we could both turn in for the night.”

"You really don't understand the concept of a stakeout, do you?" A snort and an adjustment to his posture later he's back to being mean to you because he needs to reinforce those walls he's pulling up between you. He'll be as cold as ice and you will burn your fingers and pull back and never come close to him again. Or at least that's the plan, he can't account for all times he's slipped out, all the times you made him laugh, made his heart race, made him wish he was more bite than bark with you. "There's a reason why we need two people here, remember? Someone needs to watch the street while I'm resting. Otherwise it'd be pretty difficult for me to do my job properly."

You take the bait so easily, and the pout and the crossed arms almost makes him smile. "Oh, so that's all I am here? Your backup? Your sidekick? Number two?"

"Pretty much." It clearly hurts you, but you deserve it a little. After all, he's your number two as well.

"It's such a joy working together with you."

Satisfied, Crosshair turns back to the street, ignoring the ache in his heart. He goes against his own wishes, but he's always taken care of himself, and he knows what's best for him. And pining after you like a lovesick cadet is not it, he can do so much better than that. You'll go now, probably pick a spot on the roof that is far away from him, you'll curl up on your mat and fall asleep, angry with him for the rest of the night.

But damn you, you're probably right, and the spy's not coming back again.

When you sit next to him, he's blinking in confusion, blank, nothing witty coming to mind. You sigh, annoyed but already letting it all go. Your elbows are touching, and he's too afraid to move.

"Do you have another cigarette?"

"You think I was lying when I said I only had the one?"

"Yeah. I think you were planning on waiting for me to fall asleep and then smoke them all alone."

"Smart girl."

The praise awakens something feral and primal in you, but Crosshair is too busy fishing out his pack of smokes to see it. You're sitting under the stars soon, ducking behind the half wall to hide the burning tips of your cigarettes, arms pressed together as you lean into his side more. You flick the ash off absentmindedly, and he watches your fingers, knowing he couldn't possibly look into your eyes now without feeling things he shouldn't feel.

"I don't mind being your sidekick."

And there you go again, fucking up his plans once more as he has nothing smart to say. He just sits, and smokes, and ignores the drumming of his heart in his ears as he focuses on you being so close to him. Just one last slip-up, and he'll do better tomorrow, he'll chase you off, he'll make you fucking hate him. But tonight is his, selfish or not. Tonight he will steal from Hunter, and then he'll never insert himself into your life again.

By the time you've put yours out, he's already lighting a second cigarette, and you blink slowly, exhaustion creeping up on you. Crosshair is about to shove you, about to tell you to fuck off finally and get some sleep, but then you put your head on his shoulder and he shuts up.

He's too scared to move, to ruin this moment. Tomorrow, tomorrow he'll stay true to himself, but tonight, he'll stay true to you.

...

"They've missed their check-in."

"Actually, they haven't. Crosshair gave me a status update not long ago. Looks like it’s all quiet - we won’t be seeing more of our spy tonight.”

While Tech is busy tracing the origins of the spy’s latest intel, Hunter paces up and down the abandoned cellar they established as their momentary camp. This temporary imprisonment has them all restless and stupid and twitchy, and he blames his own jumpy nature on being so understimulated. Listening to nothing but Tech’s datapad and Wrecker’s whining all day in the dark and damp confinement of these four walls is enough to drive him positively mad.

It has nothing to do with not seeing you or hearing your voice for days on end, no. Nothing to do with not catching a whiff of your scent in the mouldy air underground. Nothing to do with knowing you’re up on a rooftop, exposed, with no other than Crosshair.

Hunter trusts him to keep you safe. But he’s being irrational and jealous even though it is totally unwarranted.

Because he loves you.

It was a hard labour, to give birth to that internal confession, but he’s never felt so relieved ever since he’s done it. He finally has a name to put to all the yearning and pain and hope he’s harboured for seemingly endless months. But you’re not ready, he knows that. And maybe he isn’t ready to say those words out aloud either, and yet he knows the day will come. Because in the corridor of the Marauder those few weeks ago, while the rest of the ship slumbered, the two of you shared a moment that meant something.

You’ve been careful not to repeat it again, and he’s respected your wish, but he sees the way you look at him. Sees the purposefulness in your avoidance of him. Hell, he can practically smell your confusion. So he backs up as much as he can to give you the much needed time and space to hopefully figure out how him wanting to be close to you makes you feel.

But he likes to keep an eye on you nonetheless, not necessarily just to keep you safe, but also for that. And allowing you to tag along with Crosshair on a stakeout doesn’t exactly help him do that.

So he paces, dragging along his love for you with every step, ignoring his festering jealousy. Crosshair doesn’t even seem to like you anymore, he’s been vocal about it lately too, so there’s nothing to worry about. Despite it being an irrational fear, he still dreads leaving you alone with him, but he won’t have it. He knows you and his brother better than this. He knows. It’s just his mind playing tricks on him.

And as Hunter paces, Tech occasionally glances up to check on his sergeant, his friend, heart heavy with worry not just for him, or you, or Crosshair, but for the future of the whole squad in general.

[morganaspendragonss]

dealing in danger

for the wonderful erin's birthday!!! (@halsteadmarchs) this is literally nothing like your original prompt skdshjkl hence why i made it into a new post but i hope you like it!!!

i did however manage to include the dialogue prompt you requested! 40 - "Hasn't this addiction done enough damage already?" from the angst section of this list

title from can you hear me by anson seabra

ao3 | 1.9k | pre-series, drug addiction, overdose, questionable parenting decisions

TK is not supposed to be hearing this. Not that his parents have ever seemed to care about what he does or doesn’t hear; his entire childhood was spent listening to the harsh whispers that drifted through through the walls and doors of their apartment. He could tune them out, if he chose, but these days the arguments seem to increasingly be about him, and TK thinks he has a right to know about his own life.

Especially when so little of it seems to belong to him anymore.

He’s been living under lock and key ever since he fucked up and accidentally left his stash out in the open a week ago. It was a rookie mistake, but in his defense, he’d been pretty fucking high at the time. Granted, that defense hadn’t gone over particularly well with his mother, but TK thinks it’s a valid excuse. He’d woken up that morning to a pounding headache and a dry mouth and his parents waiting for him on the couch with several baggies of pills in front of them. He’d pretty much been dragged straight to the doctor’s, and he’d only managed to avoid a stint in rehab by some miracle.

Said miracle being, an impassioned plea to his dad and a promise that TK had no intention of keeping to play things by his rules. His mom had tried to object, but TK is an adult, more or less, and he lives with his dad anyway. She can hardly enforce something she’s not around to bear witness to.

Or, at least, that was the theory. In reality, his mom has been here most days, and at least three quarters of those days have featured an argument over their different approaches to this situation.

“You know it will end up worse for him if we force it!” his dad is saying, probably violently gesturing towards TK’s room.

“And if we don’t?” his mom demands, her tone matching his exactly. “Our son has clearly been doing this for long enough that he knows how to hide it from us; what makes you think that you can control it now when you’ve obviously failed to up until now?”

“Oh, that’s rich! TK has two parents, you know!”

“He lives under your roof! He probably did drugs right under your nose; maybe if you were ever home, you would have noticed!”

And so it goes.

It’s the same every time—his parents passing the blame back and forth, ultimately getting nowhere and only really serving to piss each other off more. TK is kind of tired of it, but it’s pretty much the only entertainment he gets these days, so.

He’s kind of just waiting for the day when they realise that things were better before. Back when he was at one friend or another’s house getting high and they never had to bother about keeping an eye on him. No-one could deny that those days had been happier, for all of them.

But, hey, it’s not as if they want TK’s opinion anyway. It’s only his life and all.

“Hasn’t this addiction done enough damage already?”

That’s new. TK sits up straight, ear practically pressed to the door to hear; his dad seems to have finally realised that he can hear their every word, and has adjusted his volume accordingly.

His mom seems just as lost. “What are you talking about, Owen?”

“Have you looked at our son recently?” There’s something hard in his dad’s voice that TK has never heard before, not even when they found out about the drugs, and it takes him aback. “He’s not well.”

“Which is why he needs to be in rehab—”

“Which is why he needs to be with us. Come on, Gwyn, you think this whole thing isn’t our fault?”

TK raises a brow. In reality, the drugs had probably only been a quarter about his parents, if that, but it’s classic Owen Strand to think that the world revolves around him.

“I know that.”

And classic Gwyneth Morgan to agree with him.

“We were never there for him, and now look where we are. You said it yourself—none of us even noticed that he was...what he was doing. It was an accident that we did find out. If we send him away for months, he’s not going to see it as us trying to help him; he’s going to see it as us not wanting to deal with him.

“TK looks bad now, but imagine what time there would do to him. His addiction has already hurt us all enough; now it’s time for us to start managing that. You know I’m right, Gwyn.”

There’s a long pause after his dad has finished speaking before his mother mumbles something that TK takes to be an agreement. He’s not listening now anyway, his father’s words on repeat in his mind.

Hasn’t this addiction done enough damage already?

He’s not well.

...hurt us all enough

He’s right. His dad is right.

TK has hurt his parents enough. And he’s pretty sure that his dad knows he’s already figuring out a plan to go back to the drugs; he’s just choosing to ignore it because he doesn’t want to believe it.

But there’s a simple solution to this, and TK doesn’t know why he didn’t see it before.

He’s the problem, so to fix it, he just needs to not be around.

Simple.

So, that night, TK quietly steals the cash from his dad’s wallet, picks the lock on the apartment door, and creeps out into the night.

*

It’s pathetically easy to not be found if you don’t want to be. TK knows that by now his parents will have gone through every possible channel to find him, but he’s abandoned all his old haunts and used his dad’s money to get as far away from Manhattan as possible. He makes sure to keep outside of the 252’s service area, changes his name, and even buys some hair dye and new clothes to reduce the chances of him being recognised as fair as possible.

He has no money left by the time he feels safe, but that’s okay. There are other ways of paying for what he needs, after all.

TK survives almost two weeks in his new life. He steals food, grabs dropped money, and sleeps on the streets, or sometimes in a bed if that’s what his dealer of choice prefers for that night. It’s obviously nowhere near as comfortable as his old life was, but needs must, and TK knows how to adapt.

Anyway, at least he’s not trapped with his parents and their constant arguing anymore. At least he can get Oxy pretty much when he wants, in exchange for a quick fuck or two. And he knows that he can’t keep this up indefinitely. He knows that, sooner or later, his choices are going to catch up with him.

Thing is, TK gave up on old age a long time ago. Live fast, die young—that’s how it goes, right? It doesn’t sound so bad to him.

Or, it doesn’t, until his mistakes do finally find him again.

That night, he does his usual business, a baggie of pills for him, a blowjob for his dealer, and then it’s over. He’ll be on the streets tonight—apparently his dealer had ‘other matters’ to take care of—but TK doesn’t mind. It’s a balmy night, and alleyways can be surprisingly cosy if you know how to make them so.

Drugs, it turns out, work a treat.

TK doesn’t bother inspecting the pills as he tips them back, dry swallowing one after the other. Even if he had, it’s doubtful that he would have noticed anything off—and, later, he has to wonder if he would have cared if he had.

Slowly, the high begins to wash over him, and TK feels happy. He’s flying, but then it feels like something slams into him, and panic seizes his chest as he crashes back down to earth.

His body isn’t moving—TK can’t move—but he has this swooping sensation in his stomach and dread growing slowly in him. Something is horribly, horribly wrong, but his brain can’t think beyond helpcan’tbreathedyingDAD—

TK twitches and chokes, and then there’s no time for thinking anything as his head drops to his chest and his eyes fall shut.

*

Owen stares down at his son, lying comatose in a hospital bed. It’s only been two weeks since he fled the apartment, but already he looks so different, so much worse. Apart from the dyed hair and the streaks of grime on his face, it’s obvious that he’s lost a horrific amount of weight—weight TK could ill afford to lose.

There are deep purple bags under his eyes and his hair is limp and greasy to the touch. Nevertheless, Owen reaches out anyway, tangling his fingers in the strands as he prays for TK to open his eyes.

Worse, TK’s body is a patchwork of bruises and cuts, some in places that leave little doubt as to what he was doing to pay for the drugs. Owen feels sick to think about it, the idea of his 20-year old son out on the streets, doing...doing...that for something he thought he needed.

Jesus.

The doctors have told them that TK was lucky he was found when he was. Apparently, his dealer had fucked him over, given him much stronger drugs than TK normally took, causing him to overdose. On top of that, they’d been a bad batch, so TK wouldn’t have even had time to go looking for help if he’d known what was happening.

And there’s a thought niggling at Owen. He thought he knew his son, but looking at him now, he realises that he’s never been more wrong. Because Owen wonders whether or not TK would have gone for help if there was time, and he has no idea of the answer.

Heels click behind him, bringing him out of his thoughts. Owen knows what’s coming before Gwyn speaks, but he doesn’t try to stop her.

“Hasn’t this addiction don’t enough damage already?” she parrots, her tone cold and harsh.

Owen sighs. “Gwyn—”

“I accept my role in this, Owen,” she says, marching to stand on the other side of the bed, “but if you had just listened to me before then none of us would even be here. TK might not have been happy at rehab, but he wouldn’t be in a coma after almost dying either.”

“I know.”

“You know,” she scoffs. “Listen to me, Owen. We tried doing this your way, and look how it ended up. If—” Gwyn gasps and breaks off, sudden tears filling her eyes. She turns to look out the window for a moment, blinking hard, but she’s still not quite fully composed when she faces Owen again. “When he wakes up, we’re going to do what we should have done three weeks ago, and we are going to fix this.”

“I know,” Owen repeats, his voice a whisper. Gwyn seems startled by his ready acceptance, but Owen looks at TK’s pale, thin, bruised face, and he realises that a second chance is the last chance they’re going to get.

And he’s not going to lose his son.

[ficforce]

Benimaru Relationship Alphabet

A- Activity (What is their favourite activity to do with Y/N.) Quiet Reader: Benimaru enjoys napping with his head on her lap, Y/N is good with her hands, if he’s lucky she’ll stop whichever craft she’s doing and massage his scalp. There’s a sunny spot on the porch at the back of the Guardhouse with a mat and a soft cushion laid out, She didn’t like him sleeping on the bare wood and Benimaru didn’t like that she got a sore back - once he was asleep she didn’t like to move in case she woke him up. Loud Reader: Sparring with her is always fun, Y/N practices the same discipline as he does but she started much later in life. She offers him enough of a challenge that he really has to think about his next moves. It usually ends up with them rolling around in the dirt kissing, putting out a fire Y/N accidentally started or deciding to go take a nap. B- Beginnings (How do they act in the beginning of a relationship) Quiet Reader: Y/N is a quiet, almost shy woman, she first spoke to Benimaru when he turned up to put out a fire he had started whilst dealing with an Infernal. He would usually let the regular Hikeshi deal with it but he had literally been above it. She hadn’t realised he was there until after she had taken control of the fire and put it out with ease. Benimaru had been impressed and then he had found some amusement in how she panicked just at the sight of him. Y/N had an interesting heat signature and he had been curious to see her use her ability again - she would be too nervous to show him and either not be able to form a flame or burn him by accident. Her flames were the hottest recorded in Asakusa. At first, he was too gentle with her, treating her like a fragile flower that could wilt at any moment but then he witnessed her get angry once and wasn’t as careful: she was strong. Once he was more like himself she liked him more and was told him so. People find it amusing that he can get rowdy and pick fights whilst Y/N watches from the background with a fond smile on her lips. They compliment each other rather well. Loud Reader: They met during a bar fight. Y/N had started it after a drunk got a little too handsy with her. What started off as a one on one fight had turned into a brawl - once it had gotten out of hand she headed outside and that’s where she found Benimaru. He smiled at her, apparently a side effect of sake, and offered her a cup. He had been amused by the trouble her one uppercut had caused. Then not so amused when they ended up arguing and ended up throwing fireballs at each other. Their relationship could be described as passionate, they were quick to become lovers and slower to get to know each other. Every argument brought them closer and they’re not as explosive as they used to be.

C- Communication (Are they good communicators? How do they normally talk about their problems or solve issues)

Quiet Reader: Benimaru doesn’t like to talk about his feelings, he doesn’t like to share his problems with just anyone and even if he’s just complaining he hates when someone tries to fix his problems for him. Y/N is very good at calming him down and getting him to lower his defences enough to talk to her, she always seems to offer him good advice. Y/N is like an open book, if something is worrying her then she can’t hide it, her face always gives her away. Benimaru doesn’t like to see her upset and will ask her outright, she’ll try to tell him not to worry and that it’s not important but he won’t give up. Benimaru’s usual advice is that he can go and punch the problem - This always makes Y/N smile and she’ll figure out what to do as he hears her out. Loud Reader: She isn’t good at sharing a problem, she either tries to punch it or will let it fester inside, at first it won’t be noticeable but then suddenly she’ll burst and Benimaru struggles to calm her down at first. He’ll feel bad that he didn’t see her suffering sooner and hold her until she’s calm enough to speak to him. She just needs to rant sometimes - she’s not the type to hold onto things. Y/N is very similar to the Quiet Reader in that she’ll hear him out. She’s pretty good at reading his micro-expressions and can tell the difference between a frown and a frown. She’ll bug him until he cracks and tells her what’s going on… her advice isn’t always so good. D- Drunk (What are they like when they’re drunk) Quiet Reader: Y/N is quiet and sweet, she barely ever raises her voice but when she drinks more than one cup of sake - she turns into a different person. She will fight you. This includes Benimaru and after last time Konro keeps a count on her drinks. Loud Reader: She’s a happy drunk. Unless someone starts on her or touches her in the wrong way (If Benimaru doesn’t break their fingers first), then she’ll get rowdy. Y/N will find everything funny and likes to cuddle up to someone, if Konro is there she tends to want to cuddle him more as he’s bigger and easier to fall asleep on. Benimaru gets a little jealous. We all know what Benimaru is like when he drinks. E- Emergency (How are they in emergency situations? Y/N gets hurt, they get hurt, someone is dying etc..) Quiet Reader: Y/N can usually keep a calm head on her shoulders, she’ll help out as much as she can and tends to worry about others before herself. She knows that Benimaru puts himself in danger to protect their Town and it makes her worry but he’s so strong… so, he’ll always come back to her, right? Benimaru is used to chaos and emergencies, it’s in his job description. When it comes to Y/N though, he wants to know where she is, he wants to know her exact location so he can keep danger away from her. If anything happened to her… Loud Reader: She’s the first one to get people moving. Although she’s not an official member of Company 7 she helps out where she can, making sure civilians are out of the way and ready to defend them if needed. Y/N likes to keep tabs on Benimaru - he’s not invincible and he does dumb stuff sometimes. He wishes she wouldn’t linger so close. Benimaru knows she can hold her own and he doesn’t need to worry because she’s a strong fighter. He knows she can take a hit or two but he’ll personally incinerate anyone who hurts her. F- Free Spot (I’ll give you any headcanon I come up with) Quiet Reader: Y/N is a very good crafter, writing, drawing, knitting, sewing, felting and much much more. She can’t cook though. It’s a disaster. She set fire to water and the Guardhouse kitchen was out of commission for three days. Loud Reader: Y/N can form animals with her flames. Serpents and dragons are her main focus but when she tries something else it always looks a little odd and everyone makes fun of them. G- Gifts (What kind of gifts do they give? What kind of gifts do they get?) Quiet Reader: She gives him handmade gifts. In the winter she makes him scarves - even though they don’t need them because they’re both walking furnaces. Benimaru likes that she

sews little emblems into the inside of his coat collar, they’re their little secret. Benimaru will often commission skilled people to make the tools that she needs for her hobbies. Loud Reader: She’s not very creative so most often she’ll buy him food from his favourite vendors. Benimaru enjoys long baths and he has a private one at the Guardhouse big enough for two, she’ll often buy him relaxing salts. Benimaru treats her whenever they’re together, he’s not one for grand gestures but she once got mad because he bought her an expensive bracelet. She loves it but thinks its too much… H- Hugs (How do they show affection/cuddle) Quiet Reader: Y/N loves to hold Benimaru’s hand when they’re out walking, they can be found close together most times and he’s not shy about showing his affection with little gestures. Only if Y/N is comfortable with it - He would hate to embarrass her. Loud Reader: She’s usually holding onto his arm and will nuzzle him in public if he’s not paying attention. They’re both pretty open but they keep it light as they don’t need the whole Town knowing their business. I- Irritation (What is something that irritates them? How do they show their irritation?) Quiet Reader: Y/N has a strong sense of justice, she can’t stand it when someone is getting away with victimising another person. She particularly hates bullies and despite her quiet demeanour will always stand up for others. The air around Y/N gets a huge spike of heat and most people know to get out of the way. The easiest way to tell her mood is by temperature and her inability to hide anything. Loud Reader: She doesn’t have a huge amount of patience for idiots. If someone is being stupid - on purpose - she will have no time for them. Also, people who walk too slow drive her mad. There’s a huge street and you are taking up all the room - move!! She’s pretty straight forward in telling people when they’re annoying her. And if Benimaru ‘Tch’s her one more time… J- Jackpot (How would they spend their winnings if they won the lottery?) Quiet Reader: Y/N would use it for the Town, she’s got all she needs and likes a simple life. There’s a roof over her head, food on the table and she has people she loves - maybe she would splash out a little on a new kimono for the festival? Loud Reader: She’s never really had money and where she grew up in Asakusa was a little rougher. It’s a much better place now but she remembers being unhappy when she was small and there was no neighbourhood watch looking out for the Town - Only selfish gangs. She’d want to set up a place in Town for kids to come to if they needed somewhere safe - God help Benimaru if he hits it with one of his matois. Benimaru has everything he needs and doesn’t care about money. K- Kryptonite (What is their ultimate weakness?) Quiet Reader: Her control over her emotions. Y/N can’t control herself if she gets angry, she loses control of her flames and because they’re hotter than most they consume things faster than the Hikeshi can put them out. She’s terrified of causing that kind of damage again and tries to stay calm. Loud Reader: Y/N might seem rough and ready for a fight but she’ll sacrifice herself without hesitation. She would rather get hurt than allow anyone else to and this is dangerous for Benimaru as not only does it make her potential bait but he wouldn’t cope with her getting hurt badly. Benimaru has so much emotional investment in Y/N (both) that if anything happened to either one of them he would be at a loss. If they died… he can’t even bear to think about it. L- Laughter (What makes them laugh?) Quiet Reader: The twins make her laugh when they’re picking on Benimaru or just plotting their next prank within hearing distance. Konro’s facial expressions when Benimaru is being unreasonable amuse her. Benimaru knows that her neck is ticklish, unless they’re being intimate, and likes to try and press kisses there to watch her squirm and try to wriggle away. Loud Reader: If she’s drunk - everything is funny. She usually laughs the most at meal

times because the Hikeshilike to eat together, it’s noisy but she likes that it feels like a huge family. Making Benimaru laugh is what makes her the happiest, he only does it in front of his closest people. M- Morning ( How do they wake up in the morning? Are they a morning person or a morning grouch?) Quiet Reader: She will stay in bed as long as there’s someone to cuddle up to. Benimaru will sometimes lay awake for a while so that she can keep sleeping as she tends to get up once she’s awake. Y/N is a little drowsy first thing and she’s clumsy but after an hour she’s wide awake and busy with getting the twins hair just right. Loud Reader: She’s a monster. Do not wake her up unless you absolutely have to. Y/N stays up too late and always suffers for it the next morning. Give her her morning beverage and stand clear until she speaks to you first. Benimaru gets up first thing, he doesn’t get a full night’s sleep but he takes catnaps during the day. Morning is the best time to pester him because he’s too dazed to get mad. N- Needy (When do they feel particularly needy? How do they show it?) Quiet Reader:  Y/N tries not to be needy, she tries to get by on her own and not be a burden but she often feels vulnerable when she’s caused trouble, accidentally or by losing control.

Sometimes she’s not sure what’s upset her but she’ll go to Benimaru and simply pinch the bottom of his Banten, holding onto it as a little kid would. It’s enough for Benimaru to know she needs him and he’ll drop what he’s doing to comfort her.

She does the same for him so he really doesn’t mind it.

Loud Reader: She’s not used to having someone who will spoil her. She mostly keeps things hidden but when she’s feeling ill - that’s it. She needs attention and will openly ask for it. This can be something as simple as asking Benimaru to stroke her hair or make her tea. When she inevitably makes him ill she’ll return the favour. O- Oasis (Where is their happy place? Where would they go if they didn’t have anything holding them back?) Quiet Reader: There’s a small clearing by the river that Y/N loves, in the summer it’s shaded by a large tree and it’s far enough away from other things that she hopes it never gets hit by Benimaru’s flames. It’s another place Benimaru likes to take a nap with his head on her lap but it’s where he first kissed her. Loud Reader: Y/N has never been outside of Asakusa. One day she would like to see what’s beyond the gates and experience what a City is like. She’s a proto-nationalist so she doesn’t care too much for their views or customs but even if it were to go and see Company 8’s dump - she’d like to go. P- Pain (How do they handle pain? How do they handle when Y/N are in pain?) Quiet Reader: She’s not a person who complains so if she says something hurts then Benimaru knows it’s serious. She slipped in the snow one year and hurt her ankle. At first, she tried to brush it off and limp home but after only a few steps she fell. One of Company 7 had been passing at the time and carried her home, when Benimaru saw her he took her from the other man and pressed a kiss to her temple - he could see she was holding back tears and it broke his heart. Benimaru called a doctor and made sure that she got plenty of rest, he sat her down on his lap and held her until the painkillers made her fall asleep. Loud Reader: Benimaru gets mad at Y/N because she’ll ignore the pain until she physically can’t take it anymore. He’s known her to ignore broken ribs before and it wasn’t until he hugged her that she nearly collapsed in agony. He’s sweet to her once she admits she’s hurting, it’s similar to when she’s sick and needy - she just wants him to fuss over her and stay close. Q- Quote (What’s a quote that fits them and your relationship) Quiet Reader: Just because you took longer than others doesn’t mean you failed. Remember that. - Unknown Loud Reader: I care. I always care. That is my problem. - Unknown R- Reunion (How do they celebrate seeing Y/N after a long time of being apart) Benimaru is going to shower them with affection and take them to bed. The first orgasm is going to be from a slow, intimate love making. After that - well, whatever they like. You will not see either of them until the next day. S- Stress (What stresses them out? How do deal with stress and how do they relieve it?) Quiet Reader: She doesn’t get stressed too easily but if people are getting hurt or if she feels like she is failing at something she gets stressed out. Y/N’s first reaction when she feels like this is to start crying over the dumbest little thing and try to hide somewhere she can try to calm down. Once she’s taken a moment to evaluate everything she puts on her brave face and gets back to it. If Benimaru is around he’ll wait for her outside the room, he doesn’t want to crowd her or make her feel like she can’t cope without him. Loud Reader: Because she lets things build up over time, Y/N can become stressed very quickly and this usually ends up in what seems like a tantrum. She’ll go out to practice her fighting and if she’s lucky Benimaru will join her. Once all that pent up stress is gone she’ll be back to normal… if just a little bit moody. T- Terror (What are they afraid of?) Quiet Reader: As mentioned before, Y/N can’t control her ability if she gets angry. It’s only anger that blinds her with rage and she’s terrified that one day she’ll kill someone by accident. She’s terrified that it’ll be Benimaru because she’s burned him before. Loud Reader: Y/N likes to think that nothing scares her and spent her life trying not to be scared of anything. But sometimes, after an

argument with Benimaru, she’s terrified he might not come back after they’ve walked away from each other. Of course, he always comes back first. U- Unique (What is a quirk that is unique to them?) Quiet Reader: She can only produce blue flames and they’re the hottest recorded. Loud Reader: She can eat six takoyaki balls in under one minute - freshly made. It’s her best party trick. V- Violence (Do they fight a lot? Are they a good fighter? What is their fighting style?) Quiet Reader: Y/N doesn’t like to fight and doesn’t know how. Benimaru and Konro have tried to teach her some basic defence moves but that’s about as much as she’s done. If push ever came to shove she could just superheat the air around her to make it impossible to get close. Loud Reader: She’s not a violent person but she loves to fight. Her style is the same as Benimaru’s but she’s a few years behind so isn’t as good as him yet. Her advantage over him is her strategic mind. Y/N is vulnerable to body blows and once she goes down she struggles to get her advantage back. W- Wow (What does Y/N do that really surprises them? What do they do that Y/N really likes?) Quiet Reader: The first time Y/N stood up to a guy twice her size and demanded he apologise and pay the storekeeper they had just stolen from, Benimaru had been taken aback. The quiet, shy girl he was so careful around had an aura so dangerous that even he had to think about whether he wanted to even approach. The man had laughed at her and made to leave - luckily he had been a third-generation and only his clothes were burnt to a crisp. Benimaru wasn’t so careful with her from then on. Y/N was surprised by how gentle Benimaru was when they were alone. He’s very soft and childlike… unless he’s after something a little more grown-up. Loud Reader: Benimaru hadn’t thought someone as boisterous as Y/N would like children. She adores them, she always has time for kids and gets especially soft around babies. Y/N doesn’t just like them but she’s very good with little kids and he’s surprised how motherly she is. Y/N really likes when Benimaru feels her looking at her and instead of asking what she wants, he gives her a gentle smile. It always makes her feel happy. X- (Explicit headcanon. For all you degenerates) Quiet Reader: Y/N is shy when it comes to sex but she’s not inexperienced. Benimaru was a little too gentle with her the first few times - which was mind-blowing and completely satisfying but she really wanted to see him lose his cool. Y/N got so frustrated that she pushed him onto the futon and ravaged him. After that, Benimaru does what he likes providing it doesn’t hurt her and they both get off on it. Technically Benimaru initiates sex but Y/N will drop some pretty heavy hints that she wants him. Loud Reader: The first few times they were rough with each other and that was enough to keep them coming back to each other. But as they got to know each other Benimaru became a little slower, a little gentler and it really threw her off. Eventually, she told Benimaru that it made her uncomfortable and he found out that her previous boyfriends had been pretty selfish. They didn’t always satisfy her or make her feel loved. It took some effort and patience but now she knows that sex can be good at any pace. Y- Yucky (Is there something that grosses them out so badly that they can’t deal with it?) They’re both pretty good with most things, plenty grosses them out but nothing that they just simply wouldn’t be able to stand. Z- ZZZ’s (What are their sleeping habits? Both with and without Y/N) Quiet Reader: Y/N is usually in bed by midnight, if she’s out at a festival or the bar with Benimaru then two in the morning seems to be her limit - after that, she’ll sleep anywhere. Before bed she likes to take a bath and have something warm to drink, she’ll do a little reading or speak with the others before heading to bed. If Benimaru is home he’ll usually follow her timing or join her an hour later. They spoon. Y/N fits so well against him and they usually fall asleep

whilst talking about little things - always with their fingers entwined. If Benimaru is out patrolling then she’ll steal his pillow to cuddle. Loud Reader: She’ll often be awake until three in the morning, she struggles to sleep normal hours because she sleeps in so late. Y/N has tried to go to sleep earlier but really struggles. She’ll brush her teeth, brush her hair and grab a drink before heading to bed as she prefers to wash in the mornings/whenever she gets up. If Benimaru isn’t home then she’ll keep herself busy until she finally falls asleep, she takes up most of the futon and Benimaru has a hell of a time getting in with her when he gets back. When he is there, he’s usually fallen asleep before her. Benimaru tends to sleep on his side with his arm over her middle and his face nestled into her neck whilst she’s on her back. Sometimes being unable to sleep gives her the rare opportunity to fall in love with Benimaru’s sleeping face. He’s rather beautiful when he’s not sulking.

[sooghostwriter]

Only on the weekends

Member/Pairing: Do Kyung Soo x OC (Nameless) Genre/Type: Mature, Romance, AU. Warnings: None yet. Word count: 9, 668

Notes: This story takes please wherever you want. You will see why it would be weird to centered it in Korea.

Also, kindly reminder that this is not Instagram. 

Summary: She is saved by a caring man from a little mishappening in the middle of the forest. A small act of kindness turns into seasons of laughs, food, fun, care, love and sex.

Chapter 1

- Summer -

Someone recommended her to go hiking. They said it would fun, that she would get in touch with nature and that when you reach the top, you get this immense feeling of accomplishment. Sounded really good. And she enjoyed going to the gym and running, and this was like that but in a mountain. A friend told her once that it was as good as sex. Clearly, she was wrong, because there was no comparison. One was clearly better than the other.

But a gym is a gym, and nature is nature. All those spinning classes were nothing compared with a steep mountain. There was a coordination she didn't possess, and it was something necessary for this environment. The path was unpredictable, and she wasn't quick enough to adapt to it. She was now last in line and the guide wasn't the best dude out there, hardly checking in with any of the hikers. The clean air made her nostrils cold, breathing was hurting her nose a little bit. The path was a bit scary too. It was very narrow and although the slope wasn’t very high, it was still a little bit terrifying. She was sure she was far away from dying, but it would still hurt. All the negativity of focusing on how bad the situation was, ended up screwing her one on one experience with mother nature. She could barely see the back of the hiker in front of her, and the path was quite slippery due to the last rain. After a short break, she took one step with her right leg, stepping in a small piece of wood. A cylindric piece of wood that suddenly decided to act like a roller skate. She tried to hold herself with the trekking pole, but she didn’t have the skill to do so. The pole reached for thin air as her right leg slid down the slope. Her left leg followed suit, and as if she was in a water park, her body slid down the slope. There was no three to stop her fall, only grass and tiny rocks that hurt her elbows and hands. She shouted for help, hoping that her group could hear her, and kept trying to hold onto something, but it was useless. The fall was short, but hurtful, to her body and her ego. She checked her body, especially her arms and legs, and although there was some pain, her bones were intact. The fabric of her pants had survived also, so the skin of her legs was fine. Her arms were another story. Since it was summer, she went for a t-shirt, so her elbows got the worst part. She stood very carefully and not without some difficulty. Her body still wobbly from the fall. Going back to the path was impossible, it was a pretty decent slope and pretty slippery from the rain. The only option was to walk down the slope, just a few steps, she tried to convince herself. She could see another pathway there. Not the one they used, but a track, nonetheless. She was in pain, but bearable. She held to the pole and stuck it in the loose soil, hoping that it would help her. And it did for the first 10 steps. She was very close to reach the path when, this time, her left foot slid to the front, taking her to the floor. This was the second time the land turned into a slide, and she was the five-year-old screaming on her way down. This time the landing wasn’t very bad. She didn’t fight the fall this time, keeping her arms up and just letting it happen. Her elbows didn’t need more exfoliating for the day. She was now seated in the damp floor, muddy legs and scratched elbows. Two deep breaths helped her keep the frustrated crying inside. She could cry later, now she needed to find her way back to the group. She checked her phone. No signal and almost no battery. So now she had a very expensive brick in her hands. It was hard to keep it cool when you were pretty much lost in the mountains. Doing 100 squats a day did not help her find which way was north and south, or how to find water “Is everything alright?” The sound of a male voice in the middle of the forest just added to this terrible experience “You need help?” She turned around slowly, jolting at the sight of a horse, far away, but still a horse. The person riding the horse jumped down swiftly and walked to her, slowly. He was a bit taller than her. She could see some pecks through his white shirt, he was buffed, but not like a gorilla. Strong tan arms peeked out from short sleeves, the muscles flexing as he reached up to take his hat off. She felt herself relax once she was able to see him better. He looked worried, not as shocked as she was, but still, a little bit taken aback by her sudden apparition “Are you hurt?” He insisted “I’m ok, I just scratched my hands and elbows” She pouted, showing him her arms. He tried to hide his smile, but she saw it anyway “How did you end up here?” “I was with a group, hiking, but apparently my body was not ready for the wilderness, and I was left behind, the guide is clearly a scam” “Is it the guy from the tourist office next to the city hall?” She nodded “Yeah, that guy is a joke…let me help you” Is not like she could choose either. She could walk, but as soon as she presented that option, the guy shook his head, still worried “Is a long way until you can find cell phone signal, and also, it’s monsoon season, the forest is thick and cold, someone who’s not familiar can't walk around here” “And you are familiar with it?” “I live on the border of this forest, is pretty much my backyard” She knew there was a risk in trusting a stranger, but it was also a risk to go alone. He was her only option. And the more she spoke with him, the more she trusted him. Call it instinct.   “What's your name?” She asked, sealing the deal “Do Kyung Soo” She repeated his name for herself, and notice how it fit him. The name started hard and ended softly just like him, just like his features. He asked for her name, and once the formal introductions were made, he faced his horse “It could take you 40 minutes to reach the main road by feet, I offer you a ride” “Can we ride it together?” He patted the horse’s neck thoughtfully “Is not recommended, but for a short period of time it’s ok, we need to share the saddle otherwise it could hurt him” He told her about his horse personality traits “What do you mean he is not very social?” She asked. Apparently, his horse was a kicker, and only his previous owner was able to ride him, besides him “Try to approach him slowly, and wait until he touches your hand with his nose” She looked at him with distrust. He didn’t look quite confident either “What’s his name?” “Chanyeol” That was a special name for a horse. Now that she knew his name, she felt more confident approaching him. She did as Kyung Soo instructed, smiling when Chanyeol didn’t move his snout away. She scratched his long nose and he moved his ears in contentment. Kyung Soo gasped in surprise “It’s that good?” “Yes! Come here, you can get on now” She stood between Kyung Soo and Chanyeol “First you have to put your left foot here,” He said pointing at the stapes “Hold on to the saddle, take one bounce and pass your right leg over the horse and sit down gently” She tried it once since it sounded pretty easy. But the angle of her leg didn’t allow her to jump correctly. The first attempt was a complete fail “I’m going to help you, I’m going to push you from your thigh, just above the knee, is that ok?” “Sure, thanks for asking” She arranged her position, focusing on using her core strength to help her up. This time the leap was probably worst than before, it was really Kyung Soo’s push that did all the work. His hand felt strong and rough against her leg. A very nice feeling, not invasive, but very present. Chanyeol barely reacted to her, he kept chewing the grass “I’m going to go up now, I’m going to sit behind you, sorry but it’s going to be a bit close” He said, looking at the floor “How close?” “Like in a motorcycle, right behind you” That wasn’t very bad. She’s ridden like that before. She sat very close to the front of the saddle to give Kyung Soo a little more space. It didn’t surprise her how smoothly he got on. He wasn’t kidding when he said that they would be sitting very close. She could feel his hard, warm chest against her back. She could feel everything against her back “Why I’m at the front? I don’t know how to drive this…him…it?” He chuckled behind her as he reached for the rains, pressing his chest against her back even harder “It’s him, and don’t worry, I will drive it, I’m just sitting behind you because it’s safer, if you sit in the back and lose your balance and fall, you could bring me down with you” “It’s ok, you don’t have to give me so many explanations” She commented looking over her shoulder at him with a small smile. He didn’t answer, only grinned and shook the rains. Chanyeol took a couple of steps and after Kyung Soo made some kisses noises, the horse began to gallop. Kyung Soo was right when he said that the forest wasn’t for everybody. The threes got taller and the bushes covered the road in some parts. She was now used to the movement of the horse, it wasn’t very scary, probably because Kyung Soo gave her a strong sense of safety “Are you ok?” He asked for the third time in 15 minutes “Yes I’m ok” “How are your scratches? You need to clean them as soon as we arrive at my place” She was so focused on not falling down the horse and in Kyung Soo’s presence that she had forgotten about her wounded hands and dirty clothes “Check your phone, you may have signal now” She did, so she made a quick call to the tourist office to let them know she was alright. They could later inform the incompetent guide at some point. They must have some kind of radio communication. She made sure to show her opinion about the so-called guide. Polite but hard. She couldn’t keep herself under control, so when she hung up she cursed at the phone. Kyung Soo chuckled behind her “What a gutter mouth” He whispered, too close to her ear “Yes, I am very bad” She answered, out of reflex, not trying to sound like anything. Her phone chimed in her hands, telling her that there was only 5% battery life left “Can I charge my phone at your place?” “Sure, what are your plans by the way? Did you come here by car?” Her car was parked at the town’s main square. A van drove her group there and was waiting on the other side of the mountain.“I would drive you to the town, but my car is at the mechanic, I can ask a friend that has a tow to bring your car” “I’m so sorry to bother you, but that would be very helpful” “Don’t worry, we will be there in about 10 minutes” A sudden chuckle escaped his lips. She asked him what was entertaining him “I’m sorry…I just remembered when I saw you fall down the slope” He said, holding his laughter “You saw me?!” She turned around, her face almost colliding with his “I did, I heard some grunts and yells in the distance, and then I saw you, I was shocked at first, a bit scared, you know, this forest is a big one, and we were very deep into it” Again his laugh ringed harmoniously in her ear. She didn’t quite understand what he meant so she asked him for more details “There are a lot of stories about creatures that live here, for a moment, a very short moment, I thought you were a Hulder” “Who’s that?” He moved slightly uncomfortable, clearing his throat a couple of times “I will leave the research to you I don't feel comfortable answering you” “What? Is something bad?” “I wouldn’t say bad, but…you will see” She smirked, amused by the mystery and his deep voice on her ear “You are making me curious, I like that…but have you ever seen something in the forest? Something weird?” He arranged his arms tighter around her, humming before answering “Of course not, those are just legends to keep people away from the danger of the forest, sure you are not going to find a werewolf, but a wild boar can cause the same damage, also, slopes” “Slippery slopes” She corrected him “But how do you know that I’m not a Hulder? Maybe I am one, and I’m going to do whatever a Hulder does” “They have long tails hidden under their long skirts, I don’t think you have one” She had absolutely no bad intentions when she moved her hips unconsciously, rubbing herself against him. Kyung Soo grunted softly but made no comments. At least, he was now sure that she had no tail “What were you doing in the dangerous forest then?” “Picking some wood for something I want to do" Chanyeol’s steps were slower now, the sway of his walk softer. The forest ahead was less dense. The trees were shorter, most of them with fruits on them, and the path they were walking on was covered in small rocks “We are here, that over there is my house” He pointed at a wood house in the distance, past a field of grass were a couple of cows, cheeps and a bunch of chickens were idling around. The silence of the field made her notice the clean sounds of their surroundings. Instead of cars, planes and chatter, there was wind, a distant chicken announcing her job done and the murmur of the river “Is there a river close by?” She asked, looking around them in excitement, she loved water. He pointed at his house again “On the other side of my house, during the summer is calmer, some parts are deeper than others, but if you know how to swim, there shouldn’t be any trouble” Chanyeol stopped walking next to a couple of cows that were eating hay under the shadow of a tall tree “He is not allowed around the house, he’s already made a mess of my garden a few times” “Chanyeol, bad boy” She said patting the horse’s neck, getting a happy neigh in return “I can’t believe how welcoming he is with you, one time he almost bites my friend’s hand, and he sees him very often” “I'm not gonna lie, It feels great being liked by animals,” With a chuckle Kyung Soo jumped down from the horse, looking insanely manly in her eyes. She knew she had to do the same but had absolutely no idea how. Kyung Soo noticed her expression and quickly explained to her how she should go down the horse, and it sounded fairly simple, but suddenly, she felt as if she was too high up “Don’t worry, I will help you” He offered, probably sensing her fear “Ok, but careful... I'm heavy” He rolled his eyes and reached for her waist. She held to his shoulders and with a decisive jump she went down, trusting in Kyung Soo, again “You are kind of heavy, but I'm strong” He said, his face too close to hers. His voice had gotten a little lower and almost sultry. She couldn’t speak even if she tried to say something back to him. He let go over her waist, taking her own hands from his shoulders was harder than she thought. His shoulders were wide, slightly damp, and hot thanks to the sun that fell on his back. The same sun that tanned his skin so beautifully. He looked at her entertained, his left eyebrow slightly raised. She let go of him as if burned “What now?” She asked, looking around distracting herself, still feeling his hands on her waist “Let’s go inside so I can call my friend with the tow and maybe eat something” “Yes please, I am starving” Kyung Soo’s house was small but very cozy. Minimal furniture, a couple of pictures hanging on the walls, very warm and clean. There was a delicious smell lingering in the air. Apparently, Kyung Soo was a cooker “I’m going to warm some food for us, and you should go clean those scratches” He showed her where the bathroom was and gave her the first aid kit. The scratches weren’t that bad. They stung like hell when she cleaned them, but that was the alcohol fighting the forest bacteria.   When she came back to the kitchen, Kyung Soo was serving two plates of food, humming along with some melody “I have good news and bad news” He told her as she sat at the table “Good news, my friend can bring your car, bad news, he isn’t going to be able to get here till 6” “Well that’s not really bad news. I mean not unless I’m bothering you, then I guess there’s a road I can follow back? Maybe find a ride?” “No more talk about walking, we are quite high in the mountain, you are going to have to walk at least an hour to reach the main road, I would recommend for you to enjoy your food, and wait here for the tow” There was no way she would say no to that. Not only because she didn’t feel like walking an hour, but also, because she felt like staying with him for a little while. Again, intuition. But she needed more than intuition no know him. So she began asking questions. Kyung Soo was the estate manager of a property in the vicinity. He managed over hundreds of acres, dozens of employees working a variety of jobs for it. He was one of those strange people that loved his job, and spoke about it with sparks in his eyes. Lucky guy. When she complimented his house, he looked very pleased. She quickly added how much she enjoyed the food, earning her a shy shake of his head looking down at his hands. Adorable. They were done with their lunch by two. Kyung Soo’s roasted chicken was incredible “I have to go and untie my dog, want to come?” He asked her after cleaning the table. She said yes, not that she had anything else to do “Is your dog like your horse? You know, picky with people” “No, but even if he was, you would have a good chance of him liking you, right?” He commented, raising an eyebrow. They went to the front of the house where his dog, Baekhyun, was waiting for him, wagging his tail. Baekhyun was a big German Sheperd with large pointy ears, fluffy hair, and big paws “Why do you keep him tied up?” “When I go to the forest I can’t take him with me, he goes nuts, if he smells a rabbit he runs behind the trail not thinking about anything, then Chanyeol gets nervous and it’s a mess, sorry buddy but that’s just how it is” He told him sweetly as he released him from the chain.  Baekhyun jumped on his owner, giving him some licks, and then looked in her direction locking eyes with her. Kyung Soo tried to stop him, but Baekhyun was already jumping on her.

Kyung Soo walked her around his small farm, showing her with proudness his small orchard and the coop he had just built for his chickens. He looked at her smiling widely when she made a big deal about how cool he was for being able to build a tiny house for his chickens “Well, I built a big one too” He said, pointing at his house “I didn’t do it all by myself, but I built my home” She was stunned with how incredibly sexy that was. Men didn’t build houses anymore “You are like a Bowerbird” She commented as a chicken begging pecking her shoelaces “Bowerbird? The ones that build houses to attract their mate?” “Yeah, that one” He looked up pensive as she tried to reach for the chicken that was playing with her shoe “Who am I trying to mate with?” It was too soon for her to know if he was joking or asking seriously. But she knew she wanted to keep joking because a good laugh is a good flirt “Maybe that Hulder you were talking about earlier” The chicken was gone, so she was able to focus her eyes on him now. He already had his eyes on her, and a playful grin on his lips. He didn’t say anything, only smiles. But when he winked at her, she knew he was hers.

After walking her around his farm, showing her his adorable animals, the tow arrived with her car. He invited his friend over but he excused himself saying he had to go back to work. She had to bit her tongue when his friend introduced himself as Chanyeol. And only when he was gone, she asked Kyung Soo the obvious “You named your horse after your friend?” “Yes, he hated it, so mission accomplished” “What about Baekhyun?” “Same, although this friend liked the fact that I called my dog after him, because Baekhyun was a gift from him” She commented on how sweet that was “I was trying to annoy him too, but it backfired, and he made it worst saying that now he feels like he is here to take care of me” “Kyung Soo, that’s adorable” He grunted and walked back inside his house with Baekhyun following his steps.

After eating a small snack, she prepared her things and got ready to leave. Kyung Soo followed her to her car like the gentleman she was sure he was “Thank you so much for your help Kung Soo, and thank you for entertaining me, I had a great time” He held the door car opened for her so she could get in “Well, you already know where I live and how to get here” “Are you inviting me back?” “The door is always open and help is always welcomed” He commented looking around his land “Then I will come next weekend, I'm not joking” “Me neither” She got inside her car, smiling at him, a bit disappointed that she had to leave “I’m really coming next week, I’m going to be here by lunch” She said looking up to see Kyung Soo with an amused grin looking down at her “Go ahead, should I prepare the guest room?” “Sure, if you don't want to share your bed” She groaned internally. That was a bit too much, she knew it. But Kyung Soo was laughing “What can I bring you?” She asked him over the sound of her car “Bring wine, I'm going to cook” She felt a little jump in her tummy “Sounds great! Goodbye Kyung Soo, have a good week”             “Goodbye Hulder” She was really digging that name, although she still needed to know what a Hulder was. On her way home, she had to stop at the gas station for gasoline and a bottle of water. As she waited in line to pay, she remembered her homework. Searching for what in the world was a Hulder. She clicked the first link she saw:

-  A Hulder is a seductive forest creature. Appearing frequently as a beautiful alluring female, with long, golden hair, Hulder lives in the mountain or the forest. A number of stories recount the experience of encounters with these beings, leaving deep traces in the human mind. Many legends talk about a lonely guy at the shieling, in the forest shanty or at coal mine, encountering the alluring and bewitching hulder. She may very well appear as the man's wife's or fiancé, if he has any, and often her visit leads to sexual encounters” She read that twice, just to be sure. “The Hulder lures men into the forest to have sex with her, rewarding those who satisfy her and often killing those who don't. If one decided to kidnap a human, they'd be used for sex. Those who had sex with the Hulder would often become mentally insane or die” 

She had to read that sentence twice too. She was glad Kyung Soo told her to search what a Hulder was, because it would have been mortifying to hear everything she had just read, from him. She appreciated the carefulness and was intrigued by the comparison. She was sure he wasn’t implying anything. The connection was almost too basic, the Hulder was a woman that lived in the forest, and she was a woman that got lost in the forest. And that was about it. But she was digging the idea of being called after a forest creature that fucked man to madness.

--

She spent the entire week wondering if she should go. Did Kyung Soo remember his invitation? Was he really inviting her or he was just being polite? Did she have any reason to go? The image of him winking at her flickered in her head, and she had her answer. She had a reason to go. She needed to see if that pull that she felt from him, that comfort, that intuition, was something, or just her hormones. Or could be both. But she needed to see. Also, his house was gorgeous, and she wanted to see his animals again, and that river that she only got to hear. She wanted that feeling again. Expectation, comfort, and easy fun. She was having a bit of trouble remembering Kyung Soo’s face to the detail, but she could remember his voice and how things felt around him. So that Saturday morning she got up early, went to the supermarket, and then took the highway and drove the hour and a half that separated her city from Kyung Soo’s town. But when living one’s life, there has to be a balance between craziness and protection. She could be her wild self, but she needed to protect her existence on some level. So before driving up the mountain to Kyung Soo’s house, she stopped at the town’s supermarket. She bought some candies for the snack bag in her car and a bottle of water. The girl behind the register great her happily, and after the formalities, she asked her “Can you help me? To get to the mountain, I have to go back and take the other road right?” “Yes, follow that road, and at the first entrance turn to your right, then is just one way up? You are going to one of the camping sites?” “No, I’m visiting my friend Kyung Soo” She answered, looking at the girl, so she could remember her face. But she was shocked when she saw some clear signs of discomfort on the cashier's face “Oh, yes I know him, you are going to the estate?” “No, to his house” She nodded, pulling a smile on her lips, back to her professional self “Have a good day then” She grabbed her bag and waved the girl goodbye. The exchange had been strange, but now someone knew where she was. So if Kyung Soo ended up being a psycho and she disappeared, they would be able to follow her trail. The safe thing to do was probably not go to the mountains, to the house of a man she barely knew. But where was the fun there?

The engine of her car took the drive up the mountain better than she expected. Of course, she was extremely careful so it wouldn’t overheat. Although the day was very hot, she kept the AC off and stopped a couple of times to let the engine cool off. She would probably need to change her car for a car that can take mountains. She shook her head, surprised with her line of thoughts. Why would she need a new car to drive to Kyung Soo’s house? Why would she keep visiting him? She hasn’t even spoken to him since that day. Because in a very dumb move from her side, she didn’t ask for his number. But he invited her, she told him when she was going to be there. There was nothing else to discuss.

The gates of his house were open, so she just drove inside, announcing her arrival by honking her horn. The first one to appear was Baekhyun, who dashed to her car barking but shaking his tale. Immediately after him, appeared Kyung Soo and she could swear she felt her crutch jump in excitement when she saw his new hairstyle. His head was completely shaved. If she didn’t control herself she was going to take him right there, on the hood of her car. But she was a responsible, mature adult who could control her primal needs. Kyung Soo reached her car, smiling widely and holding Baekhyun to his side. She took a couple of deep breaths and went out of her car “I was waiting for you” He said, taking a step closer “I’m a woman of my word” “I can see that” He held her stare for a little too long, steering things inside her, again “You look different” She commented, throwing herself a lifesaver. Kyung Soo lowered his eyes, as she expected, and rubbed his bald head looking shy “There was a heatwave this past week and my hair was annoying me, so I shaved it” He kept rubbing his head, as if he was bragging about the fact that he could do it, but not her “It looks damn great Kyung Soo” He chuckled, still looking embarrassed “Well, is not going to last a lot, my hair grows really fast” “Really? How so? My hair grows really, really slow” Kyung Soo didn’t answer her question. He only gave her a naughty grin, keeping his secret to himself.

Kyung Soo praised her for her wine choice. Since she didn’t know what they were eating, she played it safe and brought a bottle of white and red wine. The red `wine went great with the amazing Zucchini and tomato penne he prepared. All with vegetables from his orchard, he announced proudly. It was a light meal, but so full of flavor, that it was hard to keep down the amount of pleasure the first bite gave her. Lunch went on comfortably. Kyung Soo took a special interest in how she dealt with the guy from the tourist agency. When she told him how harsh were the words she used with him, Kyung Soo threw his head back, laughing loudly. She looked at him with a wide smile. She liked to make cute boys laugh, so of course, she enjoyed making him smile.

Only after lunch, things went out of control for her. Inside her. Upstairs and downstairs. Maybe it was the wine and the food and how her stomach was processing it, but she began feeling dizzy around him. Because since she arrived, she only paid attention to him. That tiny bit of sauce on the corner of his mouth, and the way he closed his lips around the fork. But those were innocent stares. Kyung Soo had the bright idea of finishing some work that he had to do in front of her. He needed to chop some wood for a small food project he had. He shared with her, very excitedly, about how rich, flavor-wise, was smoking a pig with certain woods. Her only knowledge about pigs was that if you want to eat one, you go to the supermarket. But Kyung Soo liked doing it the hard way. So now, he was chopping wood for this cooking project. It was a damn torture for her to watch him doing it, and not being able to touch him. The muscles of his arms and back showed proudly under his t-shirt. Not being able to clean the sweat from his forehead as he worked on his wood was incredibly frustrating. They were covered from the sun, but his skin still shined like gold. With a shaved head, his nape looked more appetizing. She laid back on her seat and crossed her legs, getting comfortable to enjoy his little show. She suspected he wasn't doing it on purpose, although she loved the idea of being courted by a young man as he chopped wood with a white t-shirt sticking to his skin. Or maybe he was doing it on porpoise, after all, she didn't know him well. She didn’t know if he was conscious of how attractive he was. But if he knew, there was no doubt he was an amazing seducer. She was appreciating how well his dark jeans framed his sturdy thighs when he called her name " Hulder, let's go pick up some things for you" "Things? What things?" He walked to her, cleaning his forehead with the hem of his t-shirt. The gesture allowed her to see a set of humble, yet very present abs. She groaned, feeling too hot to do whatever he was proposing. It was summer after all "I have lettuces, cucumbers, and eggplants ready to eat" "Are you giving them to me or do I have to pay?" He chuckled, standing in front of her, still drying his face with his hands. She looked down at his feet, looking for a scape "You have to pay, but not with money" Everything in a conversation was about context and the messenger. Because that same sentence, in any other lips, would have made her skin crawl. But hearing it from his lips made her hopeful "I need to pick up some squash for my cows and sheep, help me with that and in exchange I’m going to give you some products from my orchard” She stood up and followed him, she couldn't refuse. She didn’t particularly like the idea of working under the sun, but the other option was to say no and look like a bitch. And that wasn’t on her road to success. She didn’t work too much. Only pulled the wagon around as Kyung Soo put the enormous squashes and the deep purple eggplants in it. Kyung Soo looked thrilled as he picked the vegetables from the floor. She had several questions about the whole process of growing vegetables, and he answered all of them. As she pulled the wagon with her on their way to the piece of land where his animals were, she shared a thought that came to her head as Kyung Soo gave her a cherry tomato for her to taste “I don’t know about you, but I’m not a particularly religious person, but I don’t know… in this environment, and watching all this gorgeous product from the soil, I can only call them miracles, it feels like a miracle when you see something like this grow from a seed, developing a color, smell, a texture, and a taste, and then giving back a seed so you can repeat the process…I know it's not a miracle, there are work and science behind, but still, it’s just too precious, it feels miraculous” He didn’t answer immediately, so she looked at him, sure that she had made a foolish comment and he was trying not to laugh. But he wasn’t. He was looking at her, a small grin on his lips. It reminded her of the smile he gave her the day they met and she had that overly possessive thought. That day though his expression was one of amusement. Now he looked thoughtful. She had to look away laughing nervously “I have that same thought every single day,” He said. She didn’t look at him, but nodded, glad that they shared the same thought. The nervousness and the soft smiles dissipated with how cute and funny was to watch the cows and sheep eat the squashes. The crunchy noises they made, made her giggle uncontrollably. One of his cows surprised her with how fat she was “She is about to give birth, probably during this week, so make sure to come next weekend to meet her calf, they are so adorable” She promised him that she will.

The light of the sun had changed, ready to set. It was time for her to go. Kyung Soo helped her load her car with all his gifts and followed her as she got inside her car. “ By the way, I searched what a Hulder was?” He moved slightly uncomfortable, resting his left hand on the roof of the car “Should I apologize?” He asked, not looking at her “No, of course not, don’t worry, I liked it actually, never heard about a creature like that, but why did they come out with it?” “To keep people, especially men, away from the forest, no men with good intentions lurkes around the forest by himself” She lifted one playful eyebrow at him “You were walking in the forest by yourself” “Yes, and I ran into you, so lesson learned, also, I wasn’t alone, I was with Chanyeol” “And I’m not hiding a tail under my clothes” He laughed, the sweetest laugh she had ever seen “We will see, it’s getting dark Hulder, have a peaceful drive home” “Thank you for the lovely afternoon Kyung Soo” He lowered his head to her window, more relaxed now “Thank you for the company, are you coming next weekend?” “Of course” He smiled again and took a step away from the car. The roaring of the car made her jolt, breaking the pseudo spelling he always managed to put in her.

Her third Saturday at Kyung Soo’s house was a short visit. She had to leave early due to family matters, so she only stayed until lunch. She felt so frustrated when she got in the car and the sun was still up, burning. The afternoon was long, and she wanted to enjoy it. But there was nothing she could do “Is it too nuts if I come again next week?” “Hulder, I didn't know you could read minds” By her fourth Saturday there, she stopped asking if she could visit again. On her fifth visit, an event made her get greedy and want more. That Saturday was an especially hot one. She arrived at his place at 9 am, and it was already too hot for her. She would’ve rather stayed in the car with the AC on. Kyung Soo was in shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt, his head freshly shaved. But the weather was too hot to lust over his look. He invited her in for a glass of water and then took her to a sitting area under a set of trees “It’s too hot to do anything, so let’s just laze around here” He proposed, getting comfortable “What do you do in heatwave days?” “Just lay down in the shade, reading, drinking, eating…and after lunch, I go to the river” She almost jumped on him “We have to go to the river! Please take me there” “Did you bring a swimsuit?” She shook her head “It’s ok, you can swim in your t-shirt and shorts, let’s go after lunch, right now the sun is just on top of the river, you could get a sunburn” She liked how motherly he sounded. He behaved like that all the time. Always asking how she was doing, if she ate well during the week, how was work and the drive to his place. He was someone who worried about everyone and took care of everyone and everything. And she wasn’t bothered by it at all. She liked it when people took care of her. They spent the whole morning laying on the lounge chairs talking, only interrupted by Baekhyun’s barking. He grilled some chicken and prepared a colorful salad for lunch. Quick and light for the hot day. She was entertaining him with a story from work, getting all his smiles just for her “I can tell you take your untamed personality everywhere” He commented between laughs “Untamed? You think I’m untamed?” “Sounds better than wild” She chuckled, moving her empty plate to the side “Sounds way better than wild, you are right…I guess I do…I try to act like that at least” Kyung Soo did the same with his plate and rested his arms on top of the small table leaning closer to her “You try to act? You are not always like this?” She moved closer too, playing with his feet under the table “I’m not always like this, although I’m not quite sure what you mean by it…but no, I’m always half out of and half in. Sometimes I'm very…untamed and sometimes I’m extremely shy, depends on the day and the company I guess” Kyung Soo shook his head, a small smile on his lips “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you act shy with me” “Of course not, because I don’t feel shy with you, I’m very comfortable” He smiled the way she liked the most. Heart-shaped lips, wrinkly nose, and shyly looking down.

After resting for an hour, Kyung Soo finally took her to the river. Coming out of their shadowy nook was hard, the 4 PM sun was ruthless, but Kyung Soo promised a good reward. And he wasn’t lying. The river appeared in front of her flowing with unrestrained wildness. So fast that it created a fresh breeze. She could see big rocks covering the bottom, bathed by the deep green water. Kyung Soo walked her along the riverside, to a place where the river was deeper and wider, so it moved flowed calmer “Careful, is a bit cold” He shouted at her as she got into the now calm water. And he wasn’t lying. It almost hurt her feet “This water is the melting snow from the mountains, of course, is cold” He told her when she made a snarky comment to him “But you get used to it quickly, look” Kyung Soo got rid of his sandals and pulled off his t-shirt, making her jolt in surprise. She completely forgot men did that. He walked past her, giving her a wink, and got into the water. She didn’t have enough time to appreciate his half-naked body, but for what she could see, all the work at the farm paid off. He came out screaming, the water covering half of his chest “ It’s so fucking cold!” She erupted in laughter, taking a couple of steps into the deepest part, closer to him “ What a gutter mouth ” “Come here, it’s cold, but it’s delicious” He went under the water again and came out floating on his back. She really wanted to go closer, more for him than the water. She just wanted a closer look. The water was already covering her shorts, and Kyung Soo was right, it got better. He floated to her side, and stood in front of her, offering her his hands “Come on, let me help you” She accepted his help, holding to his hands as he walked backward pulling her with him “I can’t believe this is the first time you are bringing me here” “You are right, I guess we never have enough time” He stopped walking when the water was already covering just under her chest “No, we don’t, a day is too short” “Yeah, and when you are entertained it goes away faster” Kyung Soo didn’t let go of her hands, so she just played with his fingers under the water “You have a good time with me Kyung Soo?” “Yeah, a very good time” He answered with confidence “I’m glad” By now her body had familiarized itself with the cold water and it only felt refreshing. At least the parts of her body that were underwater. She wanted to swim like Kyung Soo and sink her head under the water. The rocks shine in the bottom of the river, calling her, and she looked around, amazed by the sound that surrounded her and the comfort that held her hands. She looked back at Kyung Soo, who was looking back at her with an amused smile “You can swim?” He asked her “I can” “Go ahead then” He let go of her hands slowly and took a couple of steps back. She took a deep breath and went down, no hesitation.

After some laps across the peaceful river, she rested floating on her back, watching the trees above her and hearing the sound of the water. She heard Kyung Soo calling her name over the sound of the water. She ignored it first, just to hear him call her again, but answered after the third call “I think I was wrong, you are not a Hulder, you are a mermaid” “A river mermaid? Is that a thing? … How long I’ve been swimming?” “About an hour maybe, I like watching you have fun, but aren’t you cold?” She wasn’t cold, but she was pretty tired. But it was still hot up there, and the river was fresh. Kyung Soo offered her another option. They walked down the riverbank, holding their shoes in their hands, and their clothing stuck to their bodies. At least hers, because Kyung Soo was still shirtless, sharing with her those nice shapes that hard labor gave him. Kyung Soo took her to a shallower part of the river, the water only covered up her ankle. The stones were a bit slippery, so she held to his arm as they walked across the river “There’s a natural pool there, it appeared this past winter, we can rest there” Between a bunch of big rocks, there was indeed a round pool as big as a jacuzzi, and a bit deeper than a kids pool. Tiny rocks covered the bottom, making the water clear. Kyung Soo sat down and the water covered his legs and waist. She followed him and sat next to him. A big rock behind them was good enough to rest their backs. They laid down as if the cold water was an actual hot bath. Kyung Soo was lying back comfortably, his hands resting on his stomach and his eyes closed, as the sunlight played on his face. She took that opportunity to stare at him shamelessly. Not that she didn’t steal looks of his naked chest and back as they were swimming. But now he was closer, so now she could have a full look of his whole being. Which didn’t happen very often. She focused on his nose and lips, two mounds that rose from the soft line of his profile. The straight line of his nose bent cutely on the tip of his nose. She wanted to bop it. His lips distracted her from her childish fantasy when he licked them, sighing softly. He didn’t open his eyes, so she kept looking.  A set of beauty marks caught her attention. Three light beauty marks in his upper lip, so subtle that she could only see them clearly now that she was sitting close, so close. She was holding her breath. A loud squawk came from the trees above them, waking Kyung Soo from his slumber. She was caught red-handed staring at him. She wasn’t embarrassed, but it felt a bit scary. If Kyung Soo showed discomfort for being stared at like that, she didn’t know how to redeem herself. How not to look like a creep. But he only blinked and turned his face closer to hers “You have a mole on your lips” She said, trying to ease the tension, but failing. He hummed, a low noise that made her shiver, and nodded as his eyes went to her lips “It's very pretty” She tried again, failing “Thanks” Kyung Soo, magnetic as always, was pulling her even closer just by looking at her. She was about to kiss those moles, and the thought made her feel the familiar vibration of excitement. She was moving her hand up, to hold his face, when they heard loud splashing and grunts. They both snapped their heads in the direction of the sound and saw Baekhyun running along the river in their direction. He had free himself from the chain and was now a very non-welcomed dog. Kyung Soo grunted under his breath and stood up, holding him before he could lunge his German Shepard body onto her. The moment was dead and buried under cement. She stood up too and followed them out of the river. It was getting cold anyway. Kyung Soo was standing a couple of steps away from her as she tried to squeeze some water out of her t-shirt. Kyung Soo called her name with a calm voice, she almost missed it over the sound of the river “I bet you have broken a bunch of hearts” He said, smiling, but she knew he wasn’t trying to be funny. And she was going to be honest “Never on porpoise” Because she had a story, she wasn’t going to lie, but she held every break up with honesty and care. She knew what she wanted and when someone wasn’t going to give it to her, she let them go. He chuckled, clearly pleased with her answer.

Afraid of the awkwardness that the whole situation could bring, she joked as she looked down at her knees “Jesus, I’m dripping, people are going to think that I pee myself” Kyung Soo laughed loudly and turned around, looking at her “Gross” She laughed and walked next to him. Baekhyun gave her an innocent look, wagging his tail. But she couldn’t find him cute. He was more like an enemy now. As soon as they arrived at his house, she changed her clothes and then hanged her wet clothes to dry under the sun. From her t-shirt to her underwear. Just outside Kyung Soo’s kitchen. The water made them both hungry, so they ate chicken and bread as the sun began setting. It was time for her to go, and she felt the weight of the frustration in her chest. It was all Baekhyun’s fault. As always, he gifted her a basket with an assortment of different vegetables and fruits and walked her to the car. She knew how frustrated she looked. She was never good at hiding her feelings, so she didn’t even bothered. Her shoulders were low and her voice too. But Kyung Soo was the same as always, a smile on his lips all the time. She knew, or at least was very sure, that this attraction was shared. But clearly, he was dealing better with it. She could just go and kiss him, she was frontal like that, but again, she didn’t want to make him uncomfortable “I’m leaving then, thanks for everything, and thank you for that visit to the river, I loved it” “No need to thank me, I had a great time” Since she didn’t want to leave, she kept making small talk. Stupid questions and silly comments. Kyung Soo answered and listened patiently. She knew it could be annoying, but he didn’t seem to care. He was glancing at her lips the whole time while she was talking, which was making her extremely nervous and impatient. She was running out of sentences to form, so she said goodbye for the second time and turned around, to her car. She could only take one short step when Kyung Soo stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. She heard him call her name softly, and before she could turn around, shortening the distance between them, he passed an arm around her shoulder and made her face him. His body was fully pressed against her, his face so very close to hers. Her ears were buzzing, and the air was stuck in her throat. Kyung Soo grabbed her face and didn’t even bother with asking for permission. He didn’t need to. She was sure he knew that much since her hands were already holding to his waist. She welcomed his touch with eager lips when Kyung Soo captured her lower lip between his own. He sucked on it, pulling her closer. She could feel his chest through their clothing and his hand guiding her face with a bit of dominance. It was cozy and incredibly hot at the same time. She tilted her head, asking, begging for more. More lips, more tongue, more touch. Kyung Soo began biting at her lips playfully, his fingers tangled between her tousled hair, kipping her close to him. She did the same, making him chuckle, but not breaking the kiss. She moved her hands from his waist, sliding them over his chest, up to his neck, and grabbed his nape, capturing him. Kyung Soo came up for air just as she was starting to get way too handsy. He gave her a last peck and took a short step back. He looked at her grinning, waiting for her response. If he was expecting a blush and a giggle he was going to get that, but also an attitude "You waited until now to kiss me" She chided. His big eyes grew rounder for a second, but then softened when he noticed she was just being feisty and not really mad at him “I couldn't find the right moment before” He explained, caressing her cheeks as he moved his eyes over her face “When you sat behind me on your horse was a great moment” Kyung Soo looked shocked for a couple of seconds, followed by a shy laugh “Why did you do that just when I was leaving?!, We could have made out the whole day" Her voice was filled with disappointment, which made him bring her closer in a hug "It's funnier like this" "It's not" She mumbled against his chest "Go, you are going to meet traffic if you don't " "Kiss me again" She made it sound like a plea, but it was a command. She needed another kiss "No" He was unable to control his playful smile "I'm going to do it then" She circled his neck with her arms, bringing his face to hers. Kyung Soo didn’t resist. She caught his lower lip between her lips, sucking on it lightly, finally doing something she imagined way too many times before in her head. Kyung Soo answered back tangling his fingers in her hair. With each little trick of her lips, Kyung Soo growled softly, fueling her. She wasn’t only enjoying his kiss, but also how her pounding heart reverberated through her chest and how her limbs tingled with his touch. Kyung Soo was the first to move away, showing way more control than her, but he didn’t let her go and hugged her closer to him "Dear God Hulder, you better be here on Saturday morning" He whispered against her temple “I can make it Friday afternoon” He kissed her cheek and released her from his embrace  “Drive carefully then, I will be waiting for you” “Should I bring an overnight bag?” “You should, and a swimsuit” She held his hand, and walked to her car bringing him with her. She wanted a goodbye kiss. Kyung Soo held the door open for her and closed it when she was seated inside. She opened the window, and he came closer, leaning in through the car window “Drive carefully” “I will, give me your number so I can tell you when I’m home” Kyung Soo’s eyes went comically wide “That’s right, we haven’t exchanged numbers yet” She couldn’t stop laughing as she searched for her phone. Hopefully, it was still charged, forgotten inside her car. She handed it to Kyung Soo, who smiled when he saw a close-up of Chanyeol as her screen saver. He saved his number as -Do Kyung Soo- in her phone. It felt very formal “I had an amazing day Hulder” “Me too Kyung Soo, started great, and it ended amazingly, by the way, when did you want to kiss me?” “Ah right, you said when I helped you at the forest…well for me it was when you said that my vegetables were miracles”  He gave her a shy smile and leaned in for a goodbye kiss. She held his cute face and gave him a long peck on the lips and one on each cheek. He giggled happily and took a couple of steps back so she could leave. Driving home was a mixture of frustration for having to leave him, but happiness overall since finally her feeling for her were able to fly free. Her music was playing loud in her car, windows down and one arm resting in the window playing with the wind. Pure bliss. As soon as she arrived home, she texted him and he answered back immediately. The texting didn’t end until very late that night. And before falling asleep she imagined all the things she wanted to do, starting from Friday, at Kyung Soo’s home. But mostly, all the things she wanted to do to him.