#Guarantees of non-occurence

[codenamesazanka]

Shigaraki/Tenko wanting to destroy the false sense of peace All Might and Heroes created

.⬇️.

Shigaraki/Tenko wanting to destroy everything that lead to the existence of that house, which he conceptualizes as the embodiment of rejection and injustice in the world. Be a Hero for the Villains.

.⬇️.

AFO basically literally created that house

.⬇️.

Shigaraki/Tenko helps defeat AFO

.⬇️.

Deku telling him 'you already destroyed it' is... apparently Shigaraki/Tenko having finally gotten rid of the true cause of (his) rejection and injustice? main antagonist's big problem that represents an overarching major issue of the story/in-universe society... solved? (main antagonist's big problem that represents an overarching major issue of the story/in-universe society not actually being the problem he thought it was but now also solved?)

.⬇️.

No longer a need for there to be a Hero for the Villains, Shigaraki/Tenko dies.

.⬇️.

Heroes not to be blamed in the first place. also fuck everyone else and all other 'actual' outcasts I guess.

[reasonsforhope]

"A German bio-tech company has developed a naturally-occurring enzyme discovered in a cemetery into a near-market ready solution for recycling plastic without any loss of quality.

In 2022, GNN reported on a paper published by Leipzig-based scientists who first identified the enzyme. At the time, the enzyme was subject to a small side-by-side test, and caused the polyethylene terephthalate (PET) plastic to decompose by a whopping 90%.

Pictured: Before and After: A container of PET after 24 hours of contact with the enzyme leaves only dye

Fast forward to the spring of 2025 and those same scientists have perfected the capabilities of that enzyme, called PHL7, and have founded ESTER Biotech to bring those capabilities to market.

Their initial plan to be finished next year is a bathtub-sized pilot project reactor. If successful, their 2030 plan will be four 350 cubic-meter reactors capable of processing 45,000 metric tons of PET plastic every year.

PHL7 and ESTER Biotech boast several advantages over chemical and thermal recycling methods. For starters, once the polymers of PET are broken by the enzyme into monomers, or single component parts, they have suffered no degradation of their material characteristics unlike some recycled plastic which is weaker or less stable.

Additionally, PHL7 is exceptionally stable from 32 to 203 degrees Fahrenheit (0-95°C), and per kilogram of plastic, a dose of only 0.02% to 0.06% of the enzyme is required—substantially less than existing alternatives. Their new version of the enzyme also recycles the plastic several hours faster.

“Our technology makes it possible to bring material flows that are currently burned back to the beginning of the cycle at the molecular level,” says Christian Sonnendecker, lead author on the paper of the enzyme’s discovery, and co-founder of ESTER Biotech at the University of Leipzig. “And with high energy efficiency and scalability.”

“We are only at the beginning. But we are convinced that when science, entrepreneurial spirit and social responsibility come together, a cemetery enzyme can become a beacon of hope for a better future.”

RECYCLING BREAKTHROUGHS: 

Scientists in Japan Develop Non-Toxic Plastic That Dissolves in Seawater Within Hours

Cornell Researchers Create First-of-its-Kind Durable and Recyclable Plastic

New Process ‘Vaporizes’ Plastic Bags and Bottles to Help Make Recycled Materials

Revolutionary New ‘Living Plastic’ That Could Slash Damage to the Environment Developed by California Researchers

ESTER Biotech’s enzyme is able to separate certain multilayer composites which are normally thought of as unrecyclable. In addition to the infrastructure of the pilot project, ESTER is currently working with two medium-sized partners to build a cost-efficient supply chain with an aim to reduce the enzyme price to between 100 and 200 euros per kilogram.

Though no currently-commercialized recycling method can compete with the cost of virgin plastic, a price between 100 and 200 euros will put it in line with existing competitors.

Fortunately for anyone in the space, the EU is not afraid to use heavy-handed regulation to guarantee plastic recycling rates. By 2040, under existing EU legislation, 65% of plastic production will be mandated to come from recycled sources. ESTER believes that with its potential to offer a higher quality “recyclate,” the incentive to pursue and expand enzymatic methods will increase."

-via Good News Network, June 13, 2025

[rin-and-jade]

Types of Amnesia

Diagram created by me

General criteria for amnesia:

Memory loss

Confusion

Inability to recognize familiar figures/places

Difficulty recalling names or places

Not remembering where you went

Worser ability to remember things that had happened Post on how to handle these kinds of amnesia: click here!

Generalized Amnesia Where a person completely forgets everything about themself and have no recollection of what, where, and who they spoke to. This can describe a blackout switch and may still recognize who they are.

Localized Amnesia Where a person is unable to recall a specific/series of event from the whole, which creates an incomplete picture of the situation. For example, remembering childhood but not the abuse.

Selective Amnesia Where a person only lost some and retain the rest, forgetting parts yet not all of them. This can describe greyouts as it grasps some information/sensory yet not enough to tell what exactly happened. One example is playing the phone and unable to recall what occured, only to jump its memory right to being at bed.

Emotional Amnesia Where a person has an intact memory and it's details on what had happened, but do not remember what the event feels like (e.g. was scared, happy, etc.). One description is that you're watching something that didn't happen to you, because you don't feel like being in the scene itself.

Continuous Amnesia Where a person fails to retain full parts of the event/day, for a set period of time (can vary from minutes to days) and create an accumulative, small bits of selective amnesias, continuously, leaving many gaps in a chronological timeline. This usually happens in times or stress, or abuse.

Fragmented Amnesia Where a person has an unrelated, and/or disjointed memories that does not go with the timeline's order, creating confusion and difficult to grasp the cohesive picture of what truly happened. Emotional amnesia may be present in this type. Bonus for systems:

Amnesia barriers Where a person fronting is not able to recall other alter's memories, which is a form of retrograde amnesia and compartmentalization. Because the fronter will only retain any information before switching out with the next one, the rest experiences anterograde amnesia as it cannot form and remember those memories, unless being coconcious or cofronting (even though, this is not always guaranteed).

Take notes that amnesia can still happen outside system things due to comorbidities like anxiety disorders or depression, this does mean systems are bound to experience more amnesia compared to non-systems folks out there.

Do you have any discussions about this? Or would like to describe your own way of seeing these different types of amnesia? Or have more to add? Feel free to tell them here!

- j

[trashytracktales]

Carlos favourite position has to be doggy, he def likes hair pulling and since he said he’s an ass guy he likes spanking as well

Agree, agree, agree!! Carlos likes nice views and is obsessed with control. Hair pulling is essential, and spanking is basically his love language, especially when you’re being a tease 🫶🏻

And you know what. FUCK IT. Let’s dive in, because I don’t get to talk about him a lot on here *rubbing my hands like a mosquito*

𝗧’𝘀 𝗙𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗸𝘆 𝗖𝗮𝗿𝗹𝗼𝘀 𝗔𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗮

𝗧𝘂𝗿𝗻-𝗼𝗻𝘀

✦ Yes, hair pulling, but it goes both ways. If you tug at his hair while kissing or while he’s going down on you... let the hunger games begin.

✦ Dirty talk in Spanish (bonus if you don’t speak it).

✦ A little resistance to keep him on his toes. Loves when you play bratty just so he can tame you.

✦ Back scratches (the back on this man WHAT THE HELLY 🙏🏻😔).

✦ Wearing his clothes (especially boxers or team merch).

✦ Jealousy, low-key.

✦ Neck kisses or nibbling his collarbone while sitting on his lap. Oi!

✦ Yeah, he gets hard if you’re confident. However, if you’re normally bold but turn shy when things get intense, the contrast ruins him. And he’ll reassure you while absolutely blowing your back out ♥︎

𝗜𝗻 𝗯𝗲𝗱

✦ First and foremost, a man of foreplay. He’s surprisingly sensual, but the second he senses you’re falling apart, he picks up the pace. Hard. Fast. Deep.

✦ A finisher, no matter how long it takes.

𝗞𝗶𝗻𝗸𝘀

✦ Already mentioned spanking.

✦ Choking, while he makes you hold eye contact.

✦ Mirror play, because he needs you to watch him ruin you. It’s almost a ritual for him.

✦ Scent kink. He’s a very clean guy, and goes feral every time you get out of the shower + he will bury his face in your neck, your hair, and your clothes at any given time.

✦ Voice kink, since moans are his favorite soundtrack. The dirtier you sound, the harder he goes. Might even record a voice note for later ;)

✦ Breeding kink. I just know.

𝗙𝗮𝘃𝗼𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀

✦ Mentioned doggy.

✦ Cowgirl, non-negotiable. He loves when you take control. The fact that he ends up grabbing your thighs, thrusting up into you with a “this is mine now” look later it’s another story.

✦ Standing sex (pinned against a wall or bathroom counter, honestly the possibilities are endless). This occurs when you tease him for too long and he finally snaps. There’s gonna be a lot of grabbing, lips everywhere, hand between your thighs etc.

✦ Missionary but with a twist. Usually, if he’s feeling especially emotional (e.g. after a bad race). Not the boring kind, but knees up, deep eye contact, one hand under your neck, the other gripping your thigh. It’s intimacy and intensity at once. If he goes for this one, he needs it.

✦ Side. Morning sex special. Slow strokes, whispering in your ear while his hand is on your throat or rubbing your clit. Beware!! Sleepy Carlos = dangerously hot Carlos.

𝗘𝘅𝘁𝗿𝗮 𝘀𝗽𝗶𝗰𝗲

✦ Control but he’s not cold dominant, quite the opposite. Carlos is intense. Demanding but worshipful. He won’t degrade unless you ask, but you will get commanded and manhandled, guaranteed.

✦ Silent teasing, because he’s a fan of edging you. Don’t act surprised when he’ll ask you to beg for it.

𝗔𝗳𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗲

✦ Oh, the man is tender. Showers together, forehead kisses, massages. He adores taking care of you when you’re all spent and dazed. Because of him ^^

✦ Food delivery & snacks. His appetite is almost as huge as his cock.

✦ Cuddling is required, no matter how rough it was.

[neptunes-sol-angel]

*pchit pchit* Describing your spirituality as a perfume and the essence behind it. Feel free to look up metaphysical meaning behind each note to see additional messages that may resonate with you.

Paid Readings | Botanica | Tip Jar

Pile One

Top Notes:

Tangerine, Magnolia, Peppermint, Fennel

Middle Notes:

Lemon, Rosemary, Arborvitae

Bottom Notes:

Oregano, Bergamot, Sweet Marjoram

Your perfume embodies a warm summer day at a villa in Italy. You’ll feel right at home when your olfactory nerves take in every single accord. Your fragrance is soft, smooth, bubbly, with a hint of what a clean roaring 20s hotel suite would be like with incense smoking in the background. Boujee and boozy. Your spirituality is based on finding awakenings in nothingness. Losses could be something that you experience a lot. Home could be something that is not really guaranteed for you. It could be by choice meaning you find purpose in nomadic living or you’re constantly moving around against your will because of a destructive crisis. This could have made it hard for you to attach or give sentimental value to holidays, milestones, and relationships that are meant to be positive and celebratory. You don’t have to dress in garments or be deep into religion or philosophical teachings and rituals. You’re spiritual in a way that resonates with taoism. No matter how many endings that occur in your life, you are not meant to stay there. Even if you lose your will to keep going, you embody the concurrent flow of circulation. Finding life after death and being open to miracles when you’re at rock bottom. I feel like people could see you as “walking karma”. I feel like there are a lot of people in the pile who do not believe in the concept of karma because you believe in handling retribution yourself. You could be into defense and malefic magic, but you could also have a lot of strength and endurance to push for things to happen in your life. When it comes to pointing out someone’s spiritual gifts, it’s usually the magic that happens naturally. So while people may think you are “walking karma” or have this fear that you’re getting revenge on them, I’m getting that your gifts are more like a blockbuster and a road opener spell.

Pile Two

Top Notes:

Pink Pepper, Siberian Fir, Lotus Flower

Middle Notes:

Black Spruce, Morello Cherry, Ginger

Bottom Notes:

Honeysuckle, Frankincense, Neroli, Nubian Musk

Your perfume is seductive, mysterious, feminine, and mature yet playful. The scent is dark, floral, and energizing with the way it will last all over your body the entire day, even if you shower. Your spirituality thrives in beauty, love, magnetism, and divine enlightenment. You could resonate with the siren archetype with how entrancing you are with your desires and self worship. I keep seeing the majestic creature obsessively grooming theirself in a mirror, so people could think that you’re vain or self-absorbed. But what they don’t understand is that spiritually, you embody what it means to treat your body like a temple, and how your inner world can shift your outer world. You’re extremely powerful with glamour magic, affirmations, and creating subliminals. Like a siren’s voice, you’re just commanding with the words that you speak which can do wonders for you but can also make you have to be very careful with the things that you say and your attention on certain things that may look or seem like a good idea but they really aren’t. I get that in order to master your spirituality, you must place boundaries with what you’re drawn to utilizing moderation and also being specific with what you want. In this collective, I feel that there are a lot of young souls who are eager to learn and experience. Many of you are actually on track to reaching this level of mastery. This pile reminds me of the movie “The Craft” and the phrase “curiosity that killed the cat”. You guys could indulge in divination, spells, or non-occultic shortcuts in life that may have led to getting you in unnecessary trouble or problems that ended up combusting. The more that you experience what you think you may want, the closer that you reach to finding peace with something that may look the complete opposite.

Pile Three

Top Notes:

Citronella, Lavender, Vasaka, Spearmint

Middle Notes:

Helichrysum, Frankincense, Tonka Bean, Celery Seed

Bottom Notes:

Sweet Pea, Matcha, Grapefruit, Petitgrain

Your perfume has a different take on what gourmand can be. It’s probably the most natural sugary scent that you’ll ever find. When the scent hits your nose, it’ll feel like you’re waking up one sunny morning to a matcha lemonade and a lavender grapefruit puff pastry. Discovering your spirituality could or still be very confusing for you. The collective’s energy in this pile feels lost, opaque, and saturn-like because I think that the clarity that’s being sought after most likely will not be received until your 40s or 50s. I’m seeing a lot of switching religions, jumping to the next path to consciousness by dabbling into concepts that you may not fully understand, or being led astray by new-age theories. I’m also seeing a lot of spiraling when things do not work out that may cause you to blame these practices when transitioning onto the next thing. I’m getting that people in the pile could have faced a lot of judgement in these spaces at an early age. Never really feeling like you belong or that you’re welcomed by others which could play a part in why spirituality could be so confusing for you and it not being something that you can trust. You may have even decided to become atheist or agnostic and that is okay. The delivery may not have been right in feeling let down in your spirituality, but the truth is, it is the human thing to crash out when you show your devotion, you do the work consistently, and had the bravery to be positive about it and then next thing you know, things are tumbling down and you don’t know what the hell is going on or if you did something wrong. For some of you, the problem lies in trying to find acceptance from others in these spaces. You’re making material things such as people or social constructs and standards for your god. You find a god in something that’s way bigger and personal than what the next person’s input is. Whether it’s digging deep into your roots to resume your ancestor’s indigenous practices, carving out your own space in christianity to fortify your faith in peace, or even finding the god within yourself, your spirituality will become a lot more clearer to you when you make it less about others and have more acceptance and validation for yourself.

Pile Four

Top Notes:

Ylang Ylang, Rain accord, Ginseng

Middle Notes:

Jasmine, Coriander, Vetiver

Bottom Notes:

Tonga Vanilla Bean, Passionflower, Spikenard

Your perfume could be well-rounded, where you can vividly smell every note all throughout the sillage of when you first sprayed it. The scent has a bold blend of aromas that are both masculine and feminine. It’s earthy, sweet, strong, the perfect scent to acquire if you want to make an opulent first impression. Like this perfume, your spirituality represents the power and respect behind energy exchange. You see life in all things, and believe that everything is energy much like how science demonstrates that everything is derived out of atoms and chemicals. You resonate with herbology, following the moon and stars, and letting the universe speak to you through plants, animals, and the weather. You could be into tea leaf readings, palmistry, or water and cloud scrying. You believe in superstitions that were taught to you by your elders or the people of your culture(s). You could be against anything along with seeing things as something to be taken or owned. Money comes to you easily and it doesn’t have to be in surplus. I just see you being taken care of because of the spirits that you communicate with and look after, even if you’re not directly into mediumship, it seems like you unconsciously connect with your ancestors and other forms of spirits, especially if you have this habit of talking to yourself. I don’t want to scare you, but whoever you are talking to, they are definitely listening to you and responding back to you in many different ways lol. Your spirituality is also brought to life when musical instruments are being played, when you’re cooking for others, and when you’re helping others who have less mobility.

[genderqueerdykes]

What i don't understand about people who are vehemently anti-endo is the fact that conditions like DID and plurality in general are extremely understudied.

How can someone say that "its impossible to be plural without xyz" when we barely even know anything about dissociative disorders, let alone plurality as a whole?

Asking you cause you seem smart and would understand where the other side is coming from at the very least + also seem like the least likely person to be mean about it

that's what i've been saying for a very long time, it makes no sense. I believe dissociative disorders are very well, but they're very poorly studied. and i do believe some of the things present in our current studies are heavily flawed or biased in nature because i don't agree with some of the more nitty gritty aspects when it comes to system structure and function.

i was diagnosed during an unrelated screening to apply for disability in 2017. i was relieved to finally have it acknowledged by a professional who knew what they were talking about. he knew a lot about plurality but we were still limited to what the DSM-V said and it's just a book. it only has so much info. it's not a bible. it's flawed. there's still outdated information in our medical reference boxes. research is constantly changing what we come to know about human health and psychology

How can someone say that "its impossible to be plural without xyz" when we barely even know anything about dissociative disorders, let alone plurality as a whole?

good question, thanks for asking! it is ignorance. people who say these sort of things generally refuse to interact with different plural oriented spaces and instead stay in their comfort zones and small bubbles. as a result, they don't learn anything about other types of plurals. they will refuse to because they have an attitude that tells them they are right about everything.

a lot of people virtue signal and try to look like they are a Good Plural or a Plural Ally by bulling plural people who don't have DID/OSDD. it's people trying to suck up to mean, rude plurals who think they know everything. a lot of people are doing this in various communities. it's pretty easy to spot once you've been there for long enough. it's very hollow. they don't back up what they're actually saying. they just say things to blend in and gain acceptance. they're not concerned about uncovering the truth about plurality, it is an attempt to find a place to call home

there are studies on non dissociative plurality, but they're under funded and poorly preserved and researched. medical studies do not occur unless there is money to fund them, and investors want guaranteed returns. they are not going to waste their time with something they think won't be profitable. this also isn't about exposing the truth about plurality. this is just an attempt to make money and nothing else. the medical industry is nothing but a cash generator

thanks for stopping by i appreciate it! plurality is varied. it's not a one size fits all experience. there are many ways to be plural

[woncon]

➳ the case of the missing boyfriends

➶ poly!stray kids x gn!reader (seungsung focus) ｡˚ °

-ˏ` ✎﹏ Last time, your cookies were missing. Now six of your boyfriends are. They probably went on a date and something happened. Everyone's phone is off, only one rings and a stranger answers. They have a riddle, a game for you. And that starts the race against time to find the others.

➴ genre: thriller/mystery, angst with a happy ending, hurt/comfort, estabilished relationship, polyamory, non-idol!au, angst to fluff

: ̗̀➛ warnings: horror house elements (evil clowns, a chainsaw chase, zombie lady), nightmares, a silly fight scene, gets suggestive in the end, wooyoung has a cameo, one mpreg joke, happens after the case of the missing cookie + one little reference, but can be read as a stand alone

⌨ :: 8.5K words ♡ ︵ . .

⁀➷ when i came up with the idea, i intended it to be a lot more silly than it turned out. however, once you read the whole fic, you'll realize that it's still quite silly. if this fic had a theme music, it would be circus. i'm 100% sure.

⁀➷ big hug for both @honeytwo and @wonsheep for betaing this <3

➳ mlist

４：３０ ｐｍ

You wake up to someone invading your personal space. Hands embracing your warm, soft, dreamy world, tiny kisses sneaking in, slowly pulling you out. Even though you're usually fussy when you're woken up, it feels good. You reach out to pull the person to you, so that they can join you in the relaxing, comfortable comfort of the bed - and use it as a pillow, of course. 

But he takes your hands off his neck. You snore and squint in frustration to find out who is the villain who will surprise you with a kindly kiss and then leave you. If Seungmin's messing with you again, he won't get away with it this time. You'll pin him to the mattress with your body, then lay on him like a lazy sack of potatoes and let him suffer.

“I can't, honey.” Finally, you don't have to open your eyes, because his whispered words tell you that you're dealing with Minho.

Groaning, you reach for him again, grabbing his bicep.

“Just a little bit?” You try to hook him like a koala so he has no choice but to cuddle with you. “You're warm and you smell s’good…”

"I have a date," Minho announces.

You're not giving up. One last attempt to get Minho's love right away. You pat the empty seat next to you.

“When I come back.” Minho kisses you goodbye on the lips and climbs off the bed. You open your mouth to protest when he adds, "I promise.”

He's a man who doesn't make promises lightly: cuddling is guaranteed. Now you watch his receding figure with a calm heart. He has proved stronger than your resolve.

“In the meantime…” 

You shudder at the whispered, husky voice from the cushion next to you. You thought you were alone.

“I'll have to suffice.” Jisung wraps his arms around your waist, tilts his head on your shoulder. “Please.”

When you don't push him away but hug him with a similar affection, he sighs contentedly.

You glance towards the bedside table and read the time. It's 4:30 and you're in no mood for anything. You want to continue your nap. By the time the thought occurs, you're almost asleep in Jisung's embrace.

７：４６ ｐｍ

When you wake up because someone tickles your feet, you immediately look for the clock. You are shocked by the exact time. You've slept for more than four hours: in this house, you've set a daytime record. 

There is always one or more loud, squeaky individuals who are difficult to do this activity around, other times a few mischievous ones who specialise in annoying the sleeping, or you may have those who make every move to rattle the bed as they climb onto the mattress, waking the peaceful Sleeping Beautys. In your home, romantic princes who wake you with a kiss are rare.

Now the mewling kittens have arrived to put an end to your record-breaking nap. The ones who just found you when no one else was feeding them. Provided you wake up soon enough after being visited, there are no drastic consequences such as pajama scratching attempts, scratch marks on the skin or even a kitten settling on your face. Fortunately, you wake up in time for the animals' antics. 

Soonie, Doongie and Dori patrol the end of the bed, rubbing against your blanket-covered feet at intervals. They notice that you've been successfully awakened and meow almost in chorus, clambering upwards in encouragement and nuzzling you in submission.

You scratch the base of Doongie's ear, and you are brought even more awake by the purr that ripples through your side.

“He neglected you too, after promising to come back, didn't he?”

They purr in agreement.

After you've fed the kittens, you'll search for Minho and drag him to bed. No one will be allowed to stand in your way.

７：５０ ｐｍ

In the kitchen you find Jisung. You have some vague memory of cuddling with him while you slept the sleep of the righteous. You may have drooled on him somewhere, but you can't be sure. In any case, your sleeping partner is currently facing the microwave. He's wearing a stretched-out, nondescript grey T-shirt and watching the numbers scrolling on the display. A mug is circulating in the microwave, he always takes a drink after he wakes up.

Jisung stretches. A slice of his thin waist and hips flashes, then his clothes fall back over him. He groans while he ruffles his hair, and the homely energy that emanates from him is more powerful than the impatient purring and rubbing of hungry kittens at your feet.

Dori leaves your feet, instead nimbly approaching your boyfriend and greeting him with a meow. Jisung looks down, then turns around. He smiles softly, his hair tangled, his face puffy from a restful sleep.

You'd like to throw yourself at him and squeeze the life out of him, but instead you return his smile and step over to the cupboard where you keep the cat food. You take out three cans and three bowls. At the rattle-rumble, Dori decides to return to you, describing figure eights with his cuddly body around your legs. You serve the menu on the floor. The three kittens begin to gobble enthusiastically.

In the meantime, Jisung's drink is ready. The scent of warm cocoa fills the room, drowning out the smell of cat food. His spoon clatters against the edge of the mug, the cats chew and snort eagerly, otherwise it's quiet. You sit down next to Jisung, wondering what's weird about your home. 

"I dreamed of evil clowns," Jisung admits.

You pull your chair closer to him. You take his hand.

"Yes?"

Jisung nods, then takes a sip. "They kidnapped the others."

"All of them?"

"I think so. I couldn't see everything clearly. I'm sure about Chanie hyung and Innie."

"You want to talk about it?" 

You're stroking the back of his hand to reassure him. His face has turned pale from recalling the dream. You don't want to force him to elaborate, but it might be easier to get over it if he shares it with someone. In this case, you. Otherwise, Felix or Hyunjin would be here with him, hunting for the meaning of dream symbols on the internet. 

Where are they?

Jisung pouts, his brows furrowing as he recalls the broken mirror shards of his nightmare.

"We were at a circus. The boys were tied up. The clowns were pointing different guns at them with balloons, but I knew they would go off if they wanted to. They were tall and dangerous, and their eyes were so empty they still gave me the creeps." Jisung squeezes your hand. You squeeze back supportively and watch intently. "So they were captured. They were being held in the circus, and when we found them…”

“We found them?” You're surprised. “We looked for them together?”

“You and me, yes. When we found them, the clowns told us to choose who would die and who would live. We were given enough time for Doongie to sing the anthem.” Here, Jisung goes silent, swallows, then excuses himself. “I know it sounds weird, but it was really scary at the time. I was forced to choose.”

The shocking image in your mind keeps you speechless for a few moments. Finally you pull yourself together, because Jisung needs you to calm him down. “That must have been awful. But don't worry, Sungie. Only one thing can come true from this: Doongie singing the anthem.”

Jisung smiles gratefully, and again looks more rested than worried. 

“Thanks for letting me snuggle up with you when I woke up. And for listening to me.”

“Anytime.”

Jisung leans closer, and the next moment you're resting your hands on his thigh for easy access to his mouth. He tastes like sweet cocoa. Hmm, sugary cocoa: tastes much better than the banana lip balm Hyunjin used, then Minho kissed him hard and brushed his teeth three times till the flavor lef-

You bow away from Jisung.

“Do you know where Minho is?”

Jisung brows raise to his forehead.

“We're kissing and you want the company of another man?” he asks, shocked. “I knew you liked his kiss better than mine.”

You tug at the front of his shirt and press another kiss to his lips.

“You should spend less time with Hyune. You're adopting his drama queen habits.”

“At least Hyunjin doesn't ask about other people when we're making out,” he snorts disgruntledly.

“I had to ask. He needs to pay off his debt. And if we get really into making out, I'll forget what I wanted besides you.”

"Forget everything then," he whispers. "I don't mind.”

You look at each other in silence. The kittens have finished eating. There's nothing but you and the endless, soothing silence.

Silence?

In this always cacophonous house? 

Yes, it's silence. And it's so strange. No echoing laughter, no pattering footsteps, no shouting. As if no one were home. 

“Sungie, since you woke up, have you met anyone?”

“You.” Jisung bites his lip and stares at your mouth like a master at his magnum opus.

“Besides me? “

Jisung hums thoughtfully. “No.”

Almost everyone went on a date?

Or were they all kidnapped by evil clowns?

No, no, no, no. They went on a date together and the two of you were left home to sleep peacefully. That could be what's behind this. Just no clowns.

You check your phone to see if you've got any text or visual reports, maybe any missed calls. Chan, Changbin and Hyunjin are usually keen to entertain you with some of the events of the date - if any of them are on the date, otherwise you'll have to wait. Chan will often call you to tell you where they are and how you're feeling. Changbin sends out messages about each location and who's doing what. And Hyunjin sends picturesque photos, and maybe it's meant to make you jealous that you're not going with them, and your heart does indeed tighten at times like this, but not out of jealousy, but out of admiration, because the photographer captures the moment as if you were there, breathing that air, with that sunlight on your face, with the people you love so much.

But today you didn't get a message, a call, a picture from anyone. No one wrote to say where they were going, what they were doing, how long they were staying. Not even that 'we're on a date, don't worry, we haven't been kidnapped by evil clowns'. After Jisung's dream, you need confirmation. If Minho didn't wake you up with a few kisses, you wouldn't know where he went.

You dial the first phone number on your call list, Chan's.

“The number you have reached is not available.”

You call the next number. And the next one. When the lovely female voice rings for the sixth time, the tension in the kitchen is thick and suffocating, like air in a balloon gun. You chew the inside of your mouth.

"Calm me down," you ask.

Jisung, who has been biting his nails until now, gets up. He moves to the calendar on the fridge, surrounded by pictures of you together.

“Well, there's nothing scheduled for today,” he reports uncertainly. “But that doesn't mean there's a problem!”

While he sits back down, you call the next number. The last one.

It rings. 

But not one of your boyfriends answers.

“Hi,” A high-pitched little girl says hello. Jisung trembles next to you. “We have what you want. If you need it, come get it! Follow the clues. It'll be fun like the circus. But beware, if you don't find it by ten o'clock tonight, what you want will be lost forever. Bye-bye!”

The little girl's breaking up the line. You're looking at each other.

Your phone vibrates in your hand. You both cry out. You throw the device on the table like a furry spider. 

You have a new message.

Go to the mall! Find Happy!!! <3

Before you can discuss what that means, the floorboard cracks. You snap your heads like frightened meerkats. In the doorway stands a tall figure in a red clown mask.

“MOMMY!" screams Jisung, and you scream too as you cling to each other in terror.

The clown snarls, takes a step. You grab Jisung's spoon and throw it towards the stranger. Droplets of cocoa splash into the air.

“Hey!” The clown is displeased. His voice is unrecognisable under the mask. He reaches under the cloth and pulls it off his head.

You can hear the stone clang as it smashes off your heart. Under the mask is Seungmin.

“We thought you were an evil clown who kidnapped the others,” Jisung whimpers in the aftermath of the shock he just experienced.

“What?” Seungmin picks up the spoon and throws it in the sink. “Is this some kind of new role-playing game?”

“This is deadly serious, Min,” sniffs Jisung in exasperation.

“Sit down,” you poke the chair. “We'll tell you what's the case, if you tell us why you were in that,” you point your finger at the clown mask in horror.

“It came for that bank robbery game Innie ordered for PS. I picked it up while I was playing, then got hungry and left it on,” Seungmin shrugs. “But you were looking at me like I was the devil before…” He looks at you expectantly, so you tell him about Jisung's dream, the failed calls, and ask him about his phone.

“I forgot to put it on the charger,” he explains why the device didn't ring

Finally, you show him the message. Seungmin looks at it thoughtfully.

“The leader of the clowns is a little girl,” you say. 

“An evil clown litttle girl." Jisung shudders visibly. "The uncrowned princess of children's horror.”

“I'll call her," Seungmin announces casually.

“What?" you reply in chorus.

“It's definitely a prank. You're being played. Minho's on the date, so it's obvious he's behind it. Don't worry.”

Before you can convince him it's not a good idea, he calls the number.

“Hello?” The clown with the ringing voice answers. “What do you want? Is the message not clear enough?”

“Who is this?” asks Seungmin gloomily. “Is that you, Minho hyung?”

“I have no idea who Minho hyung is. But if you want a surprise, I suggest you play by the rules. No more calls, follow the clues or I'll get mad!”

The little girl hangs up again. An open threat is a fist to the chest. Your boyfriends are in danger. All of your boyfriends, and Seungmin is still staring at your phone screen as if he hasn't been given enough explanation.

“That sound is familiar..." he mutters.

“We have to save them, Seungmin.”

He immediately snaps his head up. 'You're not using a nickname, which means it's completely serious. Bloody serious.

Jisung nods. “We don't have time to ask questions. Let's go to the mall right now!” He gets up, no longer interested in his cocoa.

A few minutes ago you were kissing happily, and now your friends' lives depend on you.

“Are you coming or staying?” You take your phone from Seungmin's hand and slip it into your pocket.

He looks at you. You can almost see the questions zigzagging in his eyes and the fire that craves answers.

“I'm coming.”

８：１１ ｐｍ

Seungmin speaks next on the escalator of the Plaza.

“Evil clowns because hyung dreamed it? Why would a bunch of clowns want to kidnap our boyfriends? And why not us?”

“For ransom,” you suggest.

“Have we received a demand? Any demands?” Seungmin asks.

You grab the barrier. “No, but–”

“They're doing it 'cause they can." Jisung's voice is desperate, hoarse. “It amuses them. I saw their faces in my dream. They enjoyed it.”

He's the first one off the escalator. You and Seungmin follow him. 

Tension hovers around you like a heavy cloud of vapour, gripping your stomach, and every nerve in your body cracks like a sharp spear. Seungmin's disbelief doesn't help the situation. You'd like to give his sceptical brain a stimulating tap to make it more supportive. To make it realise that it's not the why or the how that matters, but finding your boyfriends and ending this state of being. It doesn't matter if they are evil clowns or deceitful people who want money. All that matters is what they have taken and how you get your lovers, back from them.

You have to find Happy. Happy can be a shop, an object, a person, or even an alias. The Mall is full of people and opportunities to be exploited. You look around cluelessly, but there is not a single sign of Happy in your immediate surroundings.

“Let's take a tour of the building,” you suppose. “You two on one side, me on the other.” You know how much Jisung hates crowds, let facing one alone. He definitely needs someone with him. “If we find anything, we'll call each other. If not, we'll go store by store.”

“Isn't that too time-consuming? We don't have two hours, and I doubt it's one puzzle.”

“Last time I lost something, I found it. You remember?” You're referring to the cookie case that Seungmin successfully slept through, but he heard about it enough times already.

“I doubt you'd find the boys now by kissing every person you see.”

“Trust my methods first, okay? If it doesn't work, it's your turn. The Plaza is huge and crowded. It's gonna take some time.”

Of course, you change your mind in four minutes when Jisung calls.

“Yes?”

“We found it,” he says, his voice shocked.

You hurry to the toy shop, as fast as you can slalom through the crowd of people surging in different directions. Jisung and Seungmin stare at a six-foot-tall balloon clown with blue hair, a red grin and a white-gloved wiener finger in his hand holding a sign: BE HAPPY! Around his red boat shoes are balloons.

“Is that Happy?" 

“Probably.”

“And what next?”

“Well, you're the brains today," Seungmin looks at you.

“Oh, is that so? Do you believe us?”

“Let's just say it's pretty creepy that Happy is a clown.”

“Listen…” Jisung steps away from Seungmin, whose hand he's been holding. He reaches in between the board and the clown's body. “It looks like something”s here…” He pinches his fingers together and pulls out a yellow note. 

You gather round to read it. There's only one address. It's not hard to recognise. It's the address of the nearest Donut King to your house, where you first dated Jisung and Seungmin, and where you've been countless times with the others since then.

８：４５ ｐｍ

It's Friday night. The Donut King is packed with families, young people, hot drink lovers and those with a sweet tooth. 

Seungmin spots a box, you follow him through the queue holding Jisung's hand. You duck down, then scan the crowd like meerkats scanning for danger. Not another colored clown, or anything resembling a clown. Seungmin sighs and lays the paper on the table. The message is simple, yet unclear. It doesn't tell you what to do here. One thing is for sure, you won't eat. The three of you are too nervous for half a bite, let alone a whole donut. You love to eat here, but now you're nauseous from the smell of oil and powdered sugar, the feeling of being stuck on a mission, and time is running out.

Jisung's feet kick unstoppably under the table. You run your fingers through his hair, simultaneously stroking his locks and massaging his scalp.

“They'll be fine,” you reassure him, and reassure yourself at the same time. “We will find them.”

“And the clowns or whoever will pay," Seungmin confirms.

“Part of me doesn't want to know who they really are. This part of me wants to back down, and I hate it for that.”

“But you're still here,” you let him know. “Even if you're scared and don't know what's coming, you're here with us to save the others, no matter what. You’re brave.

Jisung laughs in disbelief. “Me? Brave?”

“They're right. You are brave, hyung," Seungmin confirms. “You hate clowns and crowds, and today we are chasing clowns in crowds.”

Your other boyfriend blinks at him in surprise. He certainly didn't expect you to think him brave after he admitted he wasn't one hundred percent committed. But it's still true. You smile sweetly at him, and when he smiles back faintly you tilt your head on his shoulder. The soft scent that marked his skin in the kitchen is gone. His neck is clammy with sweat and his skin is astringent with stress. As much as it would be nice to stay like this, to calm Jisung and encourage each other, there's no way. The enemy is waiting for you, and in their grip is your world.

As if an angel has descended from the heavens to lend a helping hand, Wooyoung emerges from the bathroom. He notices you and not only lets you know he is here, but immediately waves you over and weaves his way through the guests. He's wearing his Donut King work clothes, from apron to doughnut-patterned slouch hat.

"Hi there," he says cheerfully.

“Wooyoung hyung! Do you know anything about the others?” Seungmin throws himself at him. 

Wooyoung grins broadly. “Yeah, of course. I'll be right back.”

You look at each other. A gleam of hope.

“They left something for you.” Wooyoung returns with a cardboard drink holder. Three cups of slushy rest in it. Three slushy cups rest in it. Red, green, blue. Strawberry, green apple and blueberry. Three familiar flavours that leave a lousy taste when the flavour left on your tongue meets another flavour on another tongue. If the boys actually bought it, they'd know how much you've been shying away from this combination since the three of you first tasted it on each other's tongues. Unless they were forced to take these flavors. “A little something.”

He has no idea that a good friend of his has been taken hostage by a group of people obsessed with clowns.

“Who bought it?” You ask the first question. “Was anyone with them?”

“Was there anything strange about them?” Jisung joins in the questioning.

Wooyoung wonders.

“Chan hyung bought it. I think I saw the others at one of the boxes. I don't remember anybody I don't know, but there was a big crowd. Chan hyung seemed excited.”

Chan doesn't usually show that he's excited. He was probably more afraid.

“I have to go back. But we can talk later. Have fun!" he waves and then retires. His work, his life goes on as normal, as yours should.

“Ew.” Seungmin grimaces. “I love you guys, but the taste of our first kiss is still in my nightmares.”

“We can swap if you want,” Jisung offers. One by one, he takes the drinks out of the holder. “Rather a nasty tasting kiss than a clown– Hey, wait a minute! There's something on this one. On top.”

He turns it towards you, and indeed. The plastic, blue roof has text in small letters. A new message from the robbers, for you.

Well done, team! You're just one step away from getting your surprise. Come to the House of Horrors if you're brave enough!

- Ary

Ary. Wraith name for a clown girl leader. And the House of Horrors? You shudder, and again the pithy tension rushes up to your toes. Just as you wouldn't kiss Seungmin with a tongue of slushy, you wouldn't go back to the House of Horrors. Once was enough. But you have no choice.

“Oh, man,” Jisung swallows hard and stretches his hand on the table. “Shall we do it? We're gonna do it, right?”

Seungmin puts his own on his in response. Jisung doesn't even have to ask you anymore, you automatically put your own hand on top of theirs, and you realise the significance of how good it is to have them with you on this journey, and not to face all the difficulties alone. Although you are more lonely, because the others are not here and you worry about them and miss them, you have nevertheless formed a small unit that gives you enough confidence to carry on without being completely consumed by panic.

９：１１ ｐｍ

You reach the street of the House of Horrors. It's dark, the neighborhood is deserted. The building, with its rotting paintwork and weathered façade, is a disgusting, uncomfortably creepy sight.

“I hate it here,” says Jisung.

You nod vehemently, because you have no objection. You wish it didn't end here. You wish you were all home already.

Seungmin sips the last few sips from his slushy. You decided to drink all three glasses to relieve stress and you won't kiss.

“What's the plan?” Seungmin asks, and Jisung looks at you expectantly.

“We're going to find the boys.”

The iron-barred entrance to the house of horrors is guarded by two burly clowns. Contrary to Jisung's dream, they don't have balloon guns. One with a scarred face holds a spear, the other a rusty axe. Though that rust could be dried blood, judging by the way the clown grins maniacally with his chipped teeth.

“Guests,” he says, stretching each note. As you march closer, she twirls the axe in her grip. On the handle is the name Annie written in runny red letters.

"We've been waiting for you," the other grunts. His teeth are green. Not spoiled meat, no, just a bit of salad. They are actors in the House of Horrors, like all monsters. Paint covers their faces and they have props in their hands. They're paid to give unfortunate people heart attacks. 

They are actors, aren't they? Or are they part of the robbery gang?

“Go inside.”

They step away from the door, so you can read the locked sign perfectly. There's no opening hours, but if you remember correctly, the place normally opens at ten. Now, of course, it's different. It's probably rented by the people who took Chan and the others.

You go in, and Jisung is shaking. No sooner does the door close behind Seungmin than there's a high, witchy chuckle. You all flinch, you cling to Jisung, Seungmin pulls you both defensively to him. When you realise that you're just being played by the sound effect, you're a little relieved.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck," Jisung mants as you march into the darkness, where anything could leap out at you with sharp claws - or balloon guns - at any moment.

You pass a hideous ornament, a huge tarantula dangling in a cobweb, and then you have company. It emerges from a staff corridor behind you. You can't hear his footsteps, only the sound of him firing up the chainsaw. You snap your heads back. Of course it's a clown. It has sharp, long teeth and evil, tiny eyes. His green hair flutters in thick tufts of fur around his head as he winds the gun again and again under the naked, dangling light bulb.

“Run!” You don't know if any of you are actually saying it, or thinking it, or collectively thinking it, but all at once you start running in the only direction, down the tight, dim corridor. There are only a few flickers of red LED light. The cold brick wall seems to narrow, and the clown's squeaky-grunting saw grows louder. You can feel the slushy ice in the back of your throat. You imagine the touch of the saw in your back. Slowly, you tear Jisung's hand away, though he grips yours with similar fervour.

After a while, the ominous, cruel growl ceases. You pause to exhale, but are invariably on guard. The danger has passed, but it has not gone away. You reassure yourself that it was an actor. The first time you came here, you met a crazy clown with a chainsaw. Of course, if they hold a chainsaw on you and start chasing you, you don't wonder if you've ever had anything like this before, you run.

“Sungie? Are you feeling all right?” you ask, because Jisung is still gasping for breath and leaning on his knees.

He exhales. "I'm fine, it's just a lot to take in at once."

“Can you keep coming?” Seungmin asks.

“If I've come this far, there's no turning back. I might as well go to hell with you.”

You continue down the building's only corridor. íyou come to a small, basement-like room. Here, filthy brick walls protrude and the lighting is also dim, but you can clearly see the woman chained to the other side of the wall, near the exit. Her head is down, her hair completely covering her face. Her naked legs are stretched out, her feet are dirty, covered knee-deep by a hospital gown.

“She'll wake up, right?” Jisung chews his lip. Yes, he'd follow you to hell, you can believe him, but he'd get too hurt on the way, and you can't let that happen. You have to think of something.

“Yeah," Seungmin hums. "I'll take you across.”

“How?”

“First Jisung hyung, then you. You can close your eyes and everything. Trust me.”

Seungmin is generous, chivalrous and above all caring. He always has been, ever since you've known him, but the fact that he shows it so openly, and doesn't hide it behind sarcastic remarks or teasing, makes your heart flutter more than the chase you just experienced. So Jisung hops on Seungmin's back, the latter puts his arms around his thighs and moves towards her with cautious movements. Of course, no matter how cautious, she was waiting just for that, and shaking her chains, she howled. Her bloody, zombie-like face emerges from under what is presumably a wig, and she snarls at Seungmin. Wrestling with the handcuffs, she tries to get to him, stand up and bite him. Seungmin looks like a terminator in comparison. He marches with Jisung on his back. He might otherwise be somewhat frightened, but a sense of responsibility and fear amplifies his persistence. When he has successfully put the boy down, he returns to you. You look at him gratefully, then jump up and hug him tightly.

“VERS,” she screams at the two of you, like an inarticulate curse, while writhing on the ground like a suffering snake. “VERS! VERS! VERS!”

You're really inside the building now. You think you're about to reach the exit. Most of your memories of the place have merged into a nightmarish mass, but you don't think there are too many more obstacles. You then enter a room with skeletons propped up against the walls and discarded, cobwebbed bones crunching on the floor. In the middle of the room is a huge chest. It easily fits a man.

“This too?” You’re displeased. Better to complain than to be afraid. And if it can't be just one of those two, it's still better to complain and be terrified than just be terrified. 

Of course, the crate creaks. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Seungmin roll up his sleeves as the lid reveals the contents of the chest. Somebody with a weeping clown mask emerges. They are holding an artificial candle in front of their drooping mask.

“What is the message?” she asks in a tinkling, young girl-like voice that you may hear in your nightmares, and that you've surely heard on the phone today.

“What?”

“To get the surprise, you have to tell us what the final message of your mission was.”

You don't want to play along, but if that's what it takes to see the others again, you swallow your disgust and think hard about what the heck the clown could be thinking about.

Seungmin's patience has run out, though. Surprisingly quickly, he pulls a sword from the skeleton at his side and points it at the clown's throat. His hand doesn't tremble, and he stands tall like a true hero. “No more games. Tell us where our boyfriends are at this instant!”

The clown casually pokes the weapon, and the whole thing shakes.

“It's plastic, honey. A prop, like everything else. The only real thing here is your love.”

“What?” Jisung can't take it anymore. “What the hell is going on? And also... Oh, shit!” He takes a step back. 

In the next moment you understand why. 

“I can’t believe this shit.”

From the darkness, the clown is joined by two more. One tall and muscular, the other shorter, but also muscular. They're ready for action, and Seungmin only has a toy sword.

“I'll ask you one last time. What is the message?” The clown girl tilts her head to the side.

“Fuck you all!” You manage to pull out a sword, too. If that's all you've got, you'll fight with it, but you'll fight anyway.

Jisung raises an axe in his hand and holds it towards the enemy. When it comes to you and the others, his anxiety and fear cannot put any restraints on his ability to stand up for you, and though he didn't believe you in the Donut King, he is proving just how true that is of him, and what a great boyfriend he is. “We want our boyfriends back, dickheads!”

You fall even more in love with both of them. Even if the clowns will defeat you, you're glad you had the chance to get to know and love them.

The clowns giggle, then start approaching you. You don't retreat, holding up your weapons defensively. The shorter clown gets so close to you that the end of your sword begins to twist across his chest, the weak plastic toy unable to take the pressure of muscles. As if on cue, the clown flexes his muscles, your sword is bent to one side, and all you can see is the chest trying to swallow your poor sword. Suddenly you get déjá vu. As if you've seen this chest before. Like you've touched it. It's so familiar.

Testing the power of the weapon, you slam it onto the man's arm, then, taking him by surprise, you lunge forward and pull the mask off his head.

“Ow,” Changbin says, stroking his shoulder. “It stings.”

Jut and Dwae stand in the way of your sword. Your hunch was right. But it only makes you more confused. 

You dodge Changbin and run to the clown who's sword-fighting with Jisung. As soon as you're close enough, you recognize his scent, and even before you take off his mask, you know you'll be greeted by Chan's curly locks and handsome face.

“What the fuck?” Jisung gasps.

Seeing the developments, Seungmin also springs into action. He takes off the little girl's clown mask. Felix smiles up at him. So it wasn't a little girl, it was Felix, changing his voice. 

“I knew I recognized that voice!” Seungmin exclaims. “That's the sound Lix makes when…”

“When?”

Seungmin scratches the back of his head and takes a closer look at his axe. “It's not important.”

“What is important is that we-”

Before you can finish, Jeongin sticks his head in the back doorway of the room. “Is the role-playing game over? Ready for the cake?” Then he takes the situation in, the swords, the whole atmosphere. “Oh, my God! You guys were fighting?”

“You guys had a fight?” Hyunjin appears on one side, Minho on the other.

“Who won?” asks the man who  promised you hugs, hours ago, but instead you see him at the end of a nightmare. Thankfully, unharmed.

“We took this role-playing thing a bit too seriously," Chan replies.

“Role-playing?” you ask.

They're all fine. Felix was the clown on the phone, they left the clues. The evil clowns merged with your boyfriends. It still doesn't add up.

“We've gone clown-themed for the anniversary role play.”

“It was my idea!” Jeongin reports. “Because of the game I bought.”

“Anniversary?” Jisung blinks, surveying your boyfriends as if seeing them for the first time. “What anniversary?”

“Wait... Don't you know what day today is?” Changbin asks.

The three of you shake your heads. As your adrenaline levels drop, you feel empty, with question marks in place of your thoughts. You press on the rubber surface of the mask you hold in your hand, uncertain, looking lost as you lock gazes with Seungmin.

“We thought you were kidnapped by evil clowns,” Jisung whispers.

Felix looks concerned as he speaks softly to the boy. “Yeah?”

“Yes, and we were really fucking worried you'd get hurt if we didn't get here on time.”

“Oh,” Chan acknowledges with a soft look. 

“Please, hyung, don't touch me now,” Jisung steps back when Chan goes to hug him.

“So when we saw the clowns outside, and then you as clowns, we prepared for a life-and-death struggle to save you,” you continue. You don't think it's likely that they meant to hurt you mentally on purpose, but regardless, they must know why Jisung is so upset that he won't even let Chan touch him, and instead backs up next to you and rests his head on your shoulder.

“We're fine,” Jeongin comes under the dim lamplight. “All of us.”

“We're sorry the clowns scared you,” says Changbin with a rueful look on his face, “We figured if Yongbokie didn't flinch, Sungie wouldn't either.”

“We wanted you to enjoy the game,” Felix assures you of their aims.

“What game would that have been?”

“A romantic treasure hunt. But we were clearly shit at organising it. I'm sorry. You can slash me with your swords if you want to.” Chan stands there in exasperation, and means it. He's seriously sorry, and you can smack him for real if you wish.

But Seungmin drops his sword. You follow his example. Jisung's axe also falls to the ground beside you, and he wraps his arms completely around your waist.

“We overreacted,” you admit, stroking Jisung's back in comforting circles. “We immediately assumed the worst after Sungie told me about his nightmare. We dragged Minnie along with us because we couldn't think of a better explanation than the evil clowns who kidnapped you.”

“Can I tell you the real explanation?”

All three of you nod in answer to Chan's question, almost simultaneously.

“Today is your anniversary. A year ago this time, you went on your first three-way date.”

And the picture finally comes together in your head. The toy store in the mall where you picked up Jisung because Google Maps on his phone wouldn't show him properly where Donut King was. In his confusion, he was looking at unicorns. Seungmin bought him one as a joke. At Donut King, Jisung paid for the donut menu, which at the time included slushy. The House of Horrors came up, and Jisung insisted that he really liked these places. Sp that you get to pay for something as well, you offered to go and foot the bill there. You didn't get very far inside, running out into the evening air screaming and holding hands. Seungmin was laughing, and you accused him of squeezing your hands repeatedly in fear. 'Maybe I just didn't want you to let go,' he had replied, still holding your hands. You knew at that moment that it was your first date, but not your last. And on the fourth, you were drinking slushies again, and those certain nasty-tasting kisses were exchanged.

The timeline unfolded correctly. Even Minho's 'I'm going on a date' comment reminded you of your first date. You said the same thing to him when he wanted to pull you to him, but you were so excited you couldn't sit down at the thought of the Jisung-Seungmin date. 

They've organized this reenactment eerily well. It's just a shame that you went down this road on a completely different, much scarier and more dangerous programme, and didn't really bother with the locations, other than getting closer to the destination.

“Fuck,” you groan in shock as the wagon of memories rolls up from your subconscious.

“We forgot our anniversary,” Jisung mutters with similar exasperation.

“Wow, I feel even worse now,” laughs Seungmin bitterly. Felix strokes his upper arm, and then, as Seungmin doesn't pull away, pulls him into a hug and whispers something in his ear. Soothing words, no doubt.

“I'm so, so sorry, babies. It wasn't supposed to be like this- We didn't mean to-”

“It's okay, Chanie,” you say, because Chan is looking more and more like Jisung before he has a panic attack. “We misunderstood each other. No hard feelings.” You extend your free hand toward him. Chan steps up to you and takes it, but his shoulders lower only when Jisung looks up from your shoulder and pulls him into your embrace.

“It wasn't directed at you, Chanie hyung. I was- I'm still confused," Jisung whispers into Chan's neck.

“It's okay, baby. It's a lot to take in, hmm?” He's keeping you both warm, holding you close. "But you survived. You're doing so well."

“And you fought so well, even if it was only with plastic!” says Changbin, who half-holes himself between your shoulders, resting his arm on your hip.

"Oh, yes," Felix counters, "I'll sleep soundly at night. If some dodgy gang should lay eyes on me and kidnap me, I know you'd fight for me even if you only had cheap plastic swords.”

“Of course!” you agree.

“For you, we'd take on half the world, go to houses of horror and fight clowns,” says Jisung, and it's liberating to hear those brave words from his lips, remembering how firmly he and the bard stood up against clowns. “More, I mean.”

“For all of you," Seungmin nods. “Even for you, Minho hyung.”

“My heart is racing, Minnie,” grins Minho, mocking but affectionate.

“Do you want a group hug? Or would you like to see the surprise?” Jeongin asks, still close to the curtain. From the tone of his voice, he's looking forward to seeing how you'll react. Today, however, there were suddenly too many surprises, and a good hug is never worth missing.

“Come here and give me a hug, you evil clowns," Jisung puts your thoughts into words.

“Don't say that so loudly. There's more than one person here with that job description. Do you want to hug them too?” asks the approaching Hyunjin.

“I don't think so. Especially not the chainsaw guy.”

“Did you rent the place by the way?” Seungmin grabs Jeongin and comes up from behind, clinging to him in a central embrace.

“Yes, but only for a while. It'll be open to everyone again soon, which is why it was important for you to be here on time.”

“We ran like our lives depended on it!”

“You did, hon.” Chan pat you on the head. “You're here now, and there's nothing wrong.”

“Squeezing hug!” Felix shouts, and your boyfriends really do squeeze. It's so much better than when nervousness did this to the inside of your body. This hug is reassuring and reinforces the knowledge that you have nothing to worry about. They are all here, safe and as close to you as possible.

“My love?” Jisung gently nudges your neck with his nose. You wonder how he can move. You're pressed face-first against Chan's chest. Not that you mind, it's a great place.

“Hmm?”

“Happy anniversary!”

“Oh, yeah. Happy anniversary, Sungie!” You find a way with your strong sense of logic to get yourself in a position to kiss his face. “And you too, Minnie!”

“Happy anniversary,” he appears, sliding through the comforting huddle of hips and arms. “I can't believe I've been bearing with you all for a year.” Even though he says it in vain, the kiss on your cheek says he's more than happy to put up with you. 

As you lean away from him and give way to Jisung, you notice that Chan is eyeing you rather softly.

“What is it?”

“He's been dying to kiss you since we started getting ready. He only talked about you between two tasks. How excited he is to see you, and how he hopes you'll be happy to-”

“That's enough, Lix." Chan was so embarrassed that if you wre to lay your head back on his chest, you would feel the heat radiating through his shirt. "Let's go see the surprise. I hear you bouncing, Innie.”

And though the others start to leave, Seungmin pulls Chan back just as he's about to go. Without any explanation, he grabs his face and kisses him, then nods to Jisung. Jisung kisses him with similar enthusiasm. You hug him tightly, not stopping at a kiss, but trail a series of pecks on his cheek until he starts giggling.

“How's the mixed slushy?”

“Awful. But I can take it.”

"Chop-chop, lovers," shouts Hyunjin. "Innie-yah is considering breaking up with you, and no one can distract him.”

“We're coming.”

“We're really coming.”

“Anything for Innie!”

The room behind the curtains is like it's not part of the house of horrors. The colourful sequins and heart-shaped ornaments, the cute cake fitting itself on top of the table covered with fancy abros, and the all-encompassing 'Happy Anniversary' text stretched across the table.

“Wow.” You try to take in the whole sight and fit it into the picture you have of today. First they planned it all: the treasure hunt stations, the game, and then they decorated and furnished this room for you. They remembered and staged the anniversary you forgot.

“Do you like it?” Jeongin asks. “Or is it too much?”

“It's all right,” Seungmin hums.

“Just all right?” Jeongin is mildly indignant.

Seungmin smiles like an angel. "I mean, I like it. But not as much as I love you, Innie-yah.”

Jeongin puffs, but you can tell he's satisfied with that answer. After Jisung and you confirm that they've all done a good job, he sees the time has come to give Felix permission to cut the cake.

Soon, the small room is filled with the sound of clinking forks and conversation, the sound of home that you missed terribly without them.

“I'm glad I didn't kick you in the balls after all,” you report to Changbin between bites. You're also glad you've calmed down and can joke around again.

“Did you plan on doing that?” He leans against the table and blinks at you, shocked.

“Well, you're clearly stronger than me. I had to be sneaky.”

“Mean, but clever. If you were in trouble and I wasn't there, by all means, do it.”

“Hmm,” you nod.

“Taste good?” Felix comes to you with a hopeful look.

“Heavenly,” you tell him.

“I'm pregnant,” says Changbin enthusiastically.

Felix playfully frowns. "That can't be from my cake. It's Hyune’s merit.”

“Yah!”

“Oh. What an indiscreet exchange of ideas.” Jisung also appears in your humble circle, his cheeks stuffed.

“You're always there when something spicy happens, aren't you?” Felix shakes his head, wiping a smear of cream from Jisung's upper lip, who is chewing his cake voraciously, his face so innocently puffy you wouldn't think he'd approach you for the juicy details.

“It's not that. I'm here to pick up my lover, with whom I'm celebrating our anniversary. I want to be with them today.”

“Aw,” comments Changbin.

”But of course, if some sex-related information hits my ears on the way, it's not my problem,” he grins, as much as his full cheeks will allow.

“Uhuh, uhuh, sure.”

“Well, honey? Care to join me and Minnie for a toast?”

You nod, so you round up to find your third partner. Of course, in this relatively small room, it's not difficult. He's talking to Hyunjin, though he's looking stunned at the moment. When you get there, he turns to you and shares his verdict.

“We’re stupid.”

“A real anniversary present is the plural,” you flutter your eyelashes.

“No, we really are stupid.”

“Gosh, no need to overdo it though,” Jisung shuts the other one's mouth. Seungmin frowns disgruntledly and manages to pry Jisung's hand away, but doesn't speak again.

“Why have we suddenly become so stupid? Apart from the fact that we imagined ourselves in a hostage drama today?”

“The more creative part of your boyfriends made up a pun,” Hyunjin explains, casually running his hands down your back. “Yongbokie named it the message of your mission. Though I think it was more of an easter egg, and you didn't necessarily have to guess.”

“I remember him asking us something like that. That's when Minnie pulled a ‘sword’ on him.”

“And he was referring to the pun. Words were hidden at different stations. First, there was 'happy'. Then 'ary'. The name 'Annie' was written on the bard of one of the clowns on guard outside. Finally, there was the woman in chains shouting 'vers'. Put it together.”

“Happy anniversary," sighs Seungmin, brokenly. He doesn't like to look dumb.

“We really didn't pay attention to that.”

“You went in a completely different direction, you didn't go through the day as a game. I don't think you're irredeemably silly, just cute.”

“Thank you, Hyune,” you gratefully snuggle closer to him, enjoying the way his hand slides further around your waist and he pulls you closer.

“Hey, don't take my anniversary partner!” Seungmin shouts at him.

“They can't be taken away,” you report. “They’ve a mind of their own. And they're sad because you called them really stupid.”

“You're not really stupid. But even if you were, I'd still love you," he says, holding out his palm to you.

You accept it with a smile and, together with Jisung, go to the table to clink glasses.

“Let me do it,” Minho spins to you in a cavalier manner, holding the unopened champagne in the palm of his hand. His immaculate appearance is marred by the creaminess of his cheekbones and forehead.

“You promised me a hug,” you remind him as he hustles the cork.

He smiles lazily. “Oh, yes. I remember perfectly well that you couldn't resist me, sweetie. And I remember what I promised you. You'll have it when we get home.”

Chan and Jeongin line up the glasses. Chan's chin is creamy and Jeongin's nose is creamy too, a picturesque testimony to the fun they just had with Minho.

Jisung, Seungmin and you get the first three glasses. Jisung turns towards you, and you get the feeling he wants to make a toast in front of everyone. He is excited and smiling, not nervously biting his nails or tapping his foot. Seungmin looks at him with interest, a sweet smile in the corner of his mouth and a twinkle in his eye. They're relaxed, happy, in love, and so you can truly appreciate that this is yours. You've had these two brave, fine men for a year.

“You know how to make this night perfect?” Jisung finally asks. “We must teach Doongie the national anthem.”

Everyone looks puzzled, but you laugh with him, and Seungmin smiles too. Then you clink glasses with each other and the others, but for the moment you say no more about it, no matter how curious they are - especially Minho. For now, it's just your inside joke on your crazy but ultimately rewarding anniversary, which was about you in the most dramatic way.

stay taglist :: 💕@lemonn015

if you liked this story and don't want to miss out on the latest updates, I recommend you to check out my taglist options! <3

[robertreich]

Bezos and Musk Vs. Workers

Two of the world’s richest men want to end unions once and for all. 

Musk’s SpaceX and Bezos’ Amazon are both arguing in court that the National Labor Relations Board is unconstitutional on the grounds that it combines judicial and executive functions.

The NLRB is the agency that supervises union organizing and collective bargaining as established by the National Labor Relations Act of 1935 — a cornerstone of FDR’s New Deal that guarantees the right of workers to organize. It is, in effect, the referee of labor management relations.

If Bezos and Musk get their way, two of the richest people in the world will have gutted the enforcement of labor laws designed to protect the right of average workers to unionize. Corporations could fire employees who try to organize, without any repercussions. It could also be a death knell to unions that already exist.

Corporate giants Starbucks and Trader Joe’s have similarly advanced their own legal arguments echoing the same anti-union, anti-worker sentiment. So much for being “progressive” companies, huh?

Beyond their copycat legal arguments, what do all of these corporations have in common? A history of bashing unions and preventing workers from exercising their right to organize.

The NLRB has charged these companies with hundreds of violations of workers’ rights. They’ve fired pro-union workers, retaliated against organizers by cutting their hours, closed stores that tried to unionize, denied benefits being provided to non-union workers, and refused to bargain. And now Musk and Bezos are even going after the referees — the NLRB—  so unions and workers don’t stand a chance.

It’s not the first time their argument has been trotted out by robber barons. A similar case made its way to the Supreme Court way back in 1937. The opinion in that case upheld the NLRB and its decision to punish steel barons who fired workers who tried to organize a union.

Modern-day robber barons Bezos and Musk are hoping today’s Supreme Court will reverse its 1937 ruling and return America to a time before workers had a referee to ensure their rights.

Evidently, it’s not enough for Bezos and Musk to amass more wealth than any two people on the planet. No, they want even more wealth and covet even more power — and don’t want to share it with their workers.

You see, unions are one of the greatest champions of equality. And unions don’t just help unionized workers — they help all workers. There’s a ripple effect that occurs when workers organize: Non-union workers often receive the benefits of higher wages and safer working conditions fought for by organized labor. Unions also play a political role: They provide countervailing power to the overwhelming political power of giant corporations.

We will all suffer if unions are not there to have the backs of workers.

Now these cases may take a while to snake their way through the courts.

In the meantime, please share this video. These corporations win this fight only if the public doesn’t know what’s happening.

And support your local unions. When they go on strike, join a picket line. Better yet, join a union if you can.

We all need to voice our support for organized labor now more than ever.

[vindicated-truth]

“You want me to do what?”

The sigh the other man lets out sounds unfairly put upon. “Look, Prosecutor Kwon, everyone else has already blocked their calendars for this. It’s imperative that Joowon-ah himself has to come. After all, this is a surprise for him.”

Hyeok stares. “So you want me to make sure that on that day, no major crime will occur so that Joowon-ah’s schedule will actually be free. Or even if said crime will happen, I am to make sure he doesn’t find out so he won’t be distracted?”

“Well—yes. Basically.”

“Lee Dongsik-ssi, are you asking me to do magic?” Hyeok throws his hands in the air. “Do you have any idea how stubborn that kid is?”

The insufferable man has the audacity to grin at him. “I do, actually. It’s one of his terribly attractive qualities.”

Hyeok shudders. “You’re the one sleeping with the man, you be responsible for him.”

Dongsik, to his credit, is unfazed. “You’re the one who raised him.”

Hyeok heaves an outraged breath and opens his mouth.

Dongsik arches an eyebrow at him.

Hyeok clamps his mouth shut and deflates. “Only for about ten years, more or less,” he grumbles under his breath.

From his seat in front of Hyeok’s office desk, Dongsik crosses his legs as his grin turns foxy. “Which does mean you are at least part of the reason why that stubborn kid has turned out the way he is.”

Hyeok glares at him. “And why are you assigning this responsibility to me? Why won’t you do it?”

Dongsik casually shrugs as he leans back with his hands behind his head. “I’m under probation. Can’t risk any run-in with the law, you see.”

The sting of guilt that awashes Hyeok is quickly tampered down as he realizes the implication. “But I’m allowed to circumvent the law just to control a wayward police officer?”

Dongsik smirks at him. “You’ve been doing it for more than ten years. Isn't that why you became a lawyer?”

Hyeok is aghast, not even bothering to dignify that with a retort. “Dear god you two are made for each other,” he instead mutters in disgust, and Dongsik actually preens.

The sound of a sickeningly bright Kpop song pierces the office, and both men’s attention are arrested by the phone lighting up and vibrating in the pocket of Dongsik’s jeans.

The man instantly brightens, and Hyeok swears Lee Dongsik suddenly looks ten years younger. “Speaking of the handsome little devil himself,” Dongsik says happily as he swipes on his phone to answer. “Yes, jagiya?”

‘Jagiya’? Hyeok mouths as Dongsik stands up to move into a corner of Hyeok’s office, talking on his phone in hushed tones like a giddy teenager, and the realization dawns upon Hyeok in absolute horror.

Did Lee Dongsik just assign ‘Super Shy’ by New Jeans as the ringtone for Han Joowon?

The disturbingly smitten man finishes the call with a soft little smile and actually clutches the phone to his chest for a moment before turning to Hyeok, who startles at being caught staring.

“You’ll be there on that date too of course, Prosecutor Kwon,” Dongsik suddenly declares as if it’s a guarantee.

Hyeok folds his arms across his chest. “I have a court hearing on that date.”

“No you don’t!” Dongsik counters brightly.

Hyeok furrows his brows. “Yes, I do.”

“No.” Dongsik bestows upon him a beatific, non-negotiable smile. “You don’t.”

Hyeok internally debates on standing his ground before he sighs, dropping his arms to his sides in defeat. “Why does it matter so much to you that I’ll be there? I get that you’re invested in him—” for whatever crazy reason that only a lunatic like you will ever have “—but why are you so invested in me?”

The way Dongsik’s playful demeanor suddenly sobers into an introspective one unsettles Hyeok. Slowly, Dongsik approaches Hyeok once more, and Hyeok instantly recognizes that look.

In court, it means that the witness is about to drop a revelation that will completely overturn the case—and forever change the course of justice.

Here, now, it is Lee Dongsik who approaches the witness stand of which Kwon Hyeok is the presiding judge.

“I lost my sister, Prosecutor Kwon. And it’s a pain I will never wish even upon my worst enemy.”

Dongsik stops right in front of him, Hyeok’s office desk being the only barrier between them.

“And that’s why for as long as I draw breath, I will never let Joowon feel the pain of losing his brother.”

Hyeok stills. He can’t breathe.

Dongsik holds his gaze for a long moment before his eyes visibly soften, crinkling at the corners. He drops into a ninety-degree bow, in which Hyeok is too shell-shocked to return, before he straightens, gives Hyeok one final smile, and turns to leave.

“You love him.”

Dongsik halts his steps.

The need for air makes Hyeok sharply inhale, and he finds his feet moving before he’s even aware of it as he strides across the room to stand in front of Dongsik.

“Does he know?”

Desperately, Hyeok searches the other man’s eyes.

Calmly, Dongsik meets his.

And this, too, is something Hyeok recognizes far too often in court.

“Lee Dongsik,” Hyeok whispers, “does Han Joowon know?”

It’s the eerie tranquility of a defendant awaiting his final sentence.

“I can only hope that I will continue to be granted the privilege of staying by his side for the rest of my life,” Dongsik softly confesses, “to make sure that he will never doubt it.”

—

Missing scene from circles.

Also posted at AO3

[saintslewis]

❝ 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐀𝐑𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐃 | 𝐋𝐇𝟒𝟒 ❞

pairing: sir lewis hamilton x black fem!reader

summary: it has been a dream to have the perfect family but a nightmare occurs and you question the love you receive.

warnings: angst, mentions of death, descriptions of pain, loads of crying.

saint’s team radio 🎀: we’re getting sad with this one!! buckle up and thank you anon for requesting this! <3 sorry for any typos!

tags: @non-stop-imagines @arshiyuh @queenshikongo3 @mauvecherie-writes @lorarri @goldsainz @exotic-iris13 @alika-4466 @yeea-nah

pls like, reblog and comment! 🤍

The nursery was filled with so many gifts from the baby shower that you felt tired just at the thought of organising it all.

Looking up at the wall, her name was painted in light pink paint with cursive that you insisted would make you smile. Her cot was filled to the brim with stuffed animals that you guaranteed would last her a lifetime and just at the thought of your little princess entering the world in six months made you rub your belly with happiness, feeling her slightly kick as if to say “Hello.”

Oh you could just remember the exact moment you found out you were pregnant, the look on Lewis’ face was filled with love and adoration. Thanking you for bearing your child, the start of the family the both of you had been dreaming about. The gender reveal was celebrated intimately, the simple slice of the cake revealing the pink sponge cake within, the tears overflowing at the thought of you having a baby girl. The world finding out that you were expecting a picture of the slice of cake with a little onesie next to it, causing a frenzy at the sight of the 8 time world champion and his wife celebrating a new life soon.

The memories were as sweet as can be, Lewis being there every step of the way. He would panic when you weren’t by his side during race weekends but he knew you were in the comfort of your family and friends and that you were loved beyond measure. His love towards you was always growing stronger every day, his excitement for his family had always caused butterflies in his stomach. He hugged you every chance he got, he spoke to your pregnant belly with the softest of voices and your heart swelled up.

You were both more than ready to begin parenthood with each other.

Sitting down on the couch with a few groans, you reached for the remote whilst Lewis was in the kitchen making an afternoon snack. It was a chill afternoon, a few phone calls from your friends here and there but it was spent in the comfort of your home. You carefully placed your braids into a bun and in that moment, you felt a slight cramp around your womb. Taking it as a sign that you were most likely dehydrated, you stood up to get a glass of water.

“Babe, are you okay? D’you need help?” Lewis asked, slowing down his chopping up of fruits to watch you walk into the kitchen. “Yeah I’m good. Just felt a normal pain. Don’t stress.” You reassured him, walking quite slowly as you felt the pain coming back.

You managed to make it to the island when the pain hit you stronger than before causing you to hold onto the marble surface, your legs weakening as you continued to stand. “Y/n, let’s sit you down. I’ll get whatever you need.” Lewis said, coming around his side of the island to help you sit down but you waved him off, barely able to construct a coherent sentence.

“Please.” You managed to let out before groaning loudly, holding onto your swollen belly. He was stressing out, holding onto your hands as he began to guide you towards the couch. One step out, you let out a scream of pain, your legs giving out on you but Lewis was there to catch you. Now carrying you onto the couch, he gathered all the cushions to make you a little comfortable.

“I think I’ll go get the car ready for the hospital.” He said, holding onto your face as tears rolled down in every direction. One hand on your belly and the other on his hand, you cried out in pain. “She’s n-not moving, Lew.” You croaked out, the worst thoughts filling your mind. Was your baby okay? Could she feel the pain that you were experiencing.”

“No, my angel. Don’t say that, please don’t say that. She’s okay, our baby is okay.” Tears filled Lewis’ eyes as he tried to convince himself and you that all was okay. Your eyes were squeezed shut as the pain spread across your lower waist, your hips aching. He looked all over your body for any signs of shaking and once his eyes got to the crotch of your white cotton pants, his heart dropped. Blood slowly spread and he didn’t want to think of that. Nothing could’ve prepared him to experience this. You both have done everything by the book, everything to keep your little princess safe.

Lewis couldn’t think of the worst. Maybe these pants had been this stain for a while but he knows better than anyone that you would know of any stain on any of your clothing. He was panicking, he was stressed. He couldn’t let this happen, not after the both of you had been dreaming of your own family.

He grabbed the nearest car keys and picked you up bridal style once again and carefully rushed you to the large enough car, laying you down onto the backseat as he rushed back inside to get your hospital bag and both of your phones. Everything was a blur, driving off to the nearest hospital, keeping the ac cold so that you could stay awake. Calling your mom to let her know, not wanting her panic but still warned her along with his mom.

Rushed you into emergency. Parked the car. Watched you roll away on a stretcher, barely awake but your hands still held onto your belly. 40 minutes. In that moment, your mother arrived and so did his. Your best friend arrived and so did his. Your younger sister gathering her tears and carried one of your baby’s stuffed animals as a source of comfort. Everyone was waiting in the waiting room, trying to console Lewis but he wanted to be as calm as he could be. For your sake.

Dr Watts, your paediatrician, rounded the corner of the waiting room with a tissue patting her tears as she stuffed it into her scrubs. She had made eye contact with Lewis and right in that moment, he knew.

“Uhm everyone, Y/n unfortunately suffered a miscarriage. We had to extract the baby from her womb, it was internal bleeding from the womb and I will let the father of the baby know of other information.” She sniffled. Dr Watts had been helping you throughout your pregnancy, how excited you were for motherhood and seeing that being taken away from you was heartbreaking.

“Does she know?” Your mom spoke up, rubbing Lewis’s shoulders as his head was in his hands. Shaking her head, the paediatrician spoke up. “Y/n is very close to waking up. Two people can be in the room with her.”

The walk to your hospital room was dreadful, everyone else staying behind to let you and Lewis have this moment together. Your eyelids felt heavy but you still managed to keep them open, your husband holding your hand with drips connected to it. His eyes looked empty, only moving to look at you with a look you couldn’t quite grasp. Watts gathered up the courage to tell you the bad news, your stomach dropping at the moment you heard that she had already let your body.

“I killed my own creation.” You whispered but Lewis heard you and immediately shook his head. “Sweetheat, it is not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself, I’m begging.” He tried to help but he had very little strength in him as well. “She’s gone forever. I caused her to leave. I walked around and ruined everything.” You rasped out.

It was inevitable that you were going to blame yourself. Your bump slowly started falling as you cried to yourself all night. You chased everyone out, keeping your hand encased in Lewis’ as he cried alongside you.

Once discharged from the hospital, you felt suffocated by your thoughts. You hadn’t spoken to anyone, not even the doctor and not even Lewis who was losing his mind over you going non-verbal. He knew you made your late daughter your entire life and to see the light get sucked out of you was heart-wrenching. You reached home and sat in the nursery with him, crying your heart out but still refusing to speak. You slept there for most of the week after, you ate there and one night, you faced Lewis.

“I’m sorry.” You spoke softly as you leaned over to hug him. Without hesitation, he welcomed you into his arms and you felt the love he was giving within your soul. You now knew you were loved beyond words when you were around him. “Don’t be sorry, I’ve got you forever.” He reassured you, kissing your forehead and slightly tightening his hold on you.

saint speaks: omg y’all i cried while writing this, hope y’all enjoyed!

[beybaldes]

love is fast asleep on a dirt road with your head on my shoulder

summer sleepover masterlist

jamie tartt x gn!reader

summary : "one having to sit in the other’s lap when space is tight and them both blushing like crazy over it" requested by anon.

an : jamie tartt makes me want to twist my hair around my finger, bite my lip, bat my eyelashes, swing my feet and giggle

The party was long over, but it had taken till 5am for some of you to realise that. You, Jamie, Sam, Isaac and Richard were all waiting outside the club for a taxi to take you back to the hotel you were staying in for the away game.

It didn’t even occur to you, until the taxi had pulled up, that there were five of you and four seats available. Isaac had quickly taken the front seat of the taxi, next to the driver, leaving the other four of you to debate how you were going to squeeze into the back seat.

Richard had immediately offered you his lap with a flirtatious smile, but Jamie had told him no on your behalf. Maybe, if Richard hadn’t been trying to get in your pants from the moment you first met, he would’ve let you, but it didn’t feel right in the moment. Sam offered his lap up next with the sweetest smile, putting his hands in in surrender and promising no funny business, just a ride back to the hotel. Jamie, yet again, had disagreed on your behalf, announcing to the group that you’d be sitting on his lap on the journey so he could guarantee no funny business would occur.

“Seems to me like you want them to be sat with you, Jamie.” Sam had teased, resulting in a scoff from Jamie as the four of you tried to get into the back of the taxi.

“Yeah right.”

Though you wouldn’t have admitted it, you were happy Jamie’s lap had been the one you ended up in. You’d been clinging to his arm since your fourth drink and you weren’t willing to give up on holding him now. When the taxi began to drive off in the direction of the hotel, you took the opportunity to snuggle yourself into the crook of Jamie’s neck; selfishly using the moment knowing that you could blame it on the alcohol later.

Jamies entire face flushed at your actions; the apples of his cheeks burned a furious red that spread all down his neck and all the way up to the tips of his ears. He hoped to anything that non of the others in the cab would notice what the close proximity was doing to him. If they did, then they would’ve known that Sam was right, he’d stolen the opportunity because of the crush he’d been harbouring on you for months now.

“You okay?” Jamie whispered, only loud enough for you to hear. Even if he’d talked at a normal volume, you doubted the others would’ve heard, all of them wrapped up in their own conversations.

“Yeah, ‘m good.” You cuddled yourself deeper into Jamie between murmurs, struggling to get the words out properly as your late night started to catch up to you. “Sleepy. And you’re so warm.”

Jamie didn’t think his face could get redder, but it clearly had, Sam nudging him in the side with a teasing smile. It didn’t bother him as much as he thought it would, instead, a smile pulling at his lips.

“You go to sleep then love, I’ll be right here.” One of his hands moved to cup the back of your head, keeping it tucked in the safety and warmth of the crook of his neck. The other remained around your waist, keeping you in his lap with each bump in the road. “I’ll wake you up when we get back to the hotel, yeah?”

“You’re so kind, Jamie.” You hummed, pressing a kiss to his collar bone with the slight tilt of your head, dropping immediately to sleep after.

Jamie had never considered himself nice, but he knew you were. And if you thought he was nice? Then maybe he was becoming the type of man who deserved to hold you like this; maybe he could hold you more often.

[yandere-fics]

♡ Pauline's Childhood Sweetheart Is Obsessed With Someone Else ♡

Pauline didn't have any opportunities to make friends growing up, the only Rhune born without the capacity for magic, changing her hair to be naturally green was just a fluke that never occurred again, the title of heir was not guaranteed to her. She had to spend all of her time working and studying if she wanted to take over the academy one day so she didn't have time to run around and play stupid little games. Beyond that, her parents had their eye on her at all times, they wanted her to be a true Rhune just like them, their real concern with her wasn't her lack of magic, that was just something they said to punish her for the real crime they thought she was committing, not having someone she was obsessed with. So spending time with anyone for long could put ideas in her parents head and she never bothered to try to make a friend till the academy, away from prying eyes and even those were more like lackies than true friends. Her exception was you, her sole loser of a friend who she just couldn't help but want to spend time with. You were such a loser who did things like eat mud because someone you wanted to be friends with obsessively told you to then when they went back on their promise to be your friend you would save them into the dirt and stomp off. You were an unusually obsessive child for someone who wasn't a Rhune and you were pretty much immediately attached at her hip when you saw her curse someone one day, you wanted to learn how to do that though you didn't seem to have a natural talent for it like she did. She was actually pretty sure growing up that she was going to marry you since she didn't think she could tolerate anyone else, you'd grow out of this weird loser phase and be her proper wife who was only mildly lame after that. That's why she had to keep you at a distance after you started getting older, she couldn't let her parents know until she was ready to get rid of them, they'd try to discipline her little dumbass and she didn't want that. You moved on quickly from her betrayal, becoming obsessed with a new person that she assumed you would also get over within half a year. That didn't wind up happening.

You remained just as obsessed with that girl even as you entered the academy with her, not even acknowledging your old friend as you followed that girl around non stop even as she rebuffed your affections. Pauline had to give up on any hopes of marriage, you were beyond helping seeing as you were so attached to someone she saw as completely beneath you. It made her furious to think that she had ever considered you for her wife growing up when you were no lower than a dog wagging for a treat in her eyes now. Her eyes couldn't help but linger on the pathetic show you put on just to earn that girls friendship, absolutely sickening. She made sure to send her lackies to bully that girl just so you could see how low you had fallen. Surely you would have understood that that girl was scum if you saw her beat to a pulp on a weekly basis but you just kept watching her, mumbling about how it was good no one else liked her cause then you could be her only friend. She didn't let anyone touch you though, she just wanted to see how much it would take for you to realize you'd made the wrong choice. Clearly the answer was a very long time in fact. You'd joined the school top of your class in curses, second only to Pauline which without a doubt would have made you immensely popular had you not been an absolute loser that Pauline declared off limits. Even without you being off limits though it would have been hard to like you, on your first day you ran to the school library and checked out anything that seemed remotely related to love potions, Pauline had followed just because you didn't really seem like the reading type when she last saw you. That sort of scared everyone and if that didn't make them run from you, cursing someone who had been confessing to your crush then getting put on curse probation had certainly made them avoid you like the plague. Pauline had only been following at the time because she saw you following someone behind the school building. She really wasn't interested in following you or anything, it was just, you were such a loser that she was starting to wonder if appearing slightly normal had been the phase meanwhile this was who you really were. Plus she had to know what made your crush special.

She just didn't get it, your crush hated you, you ruined their love life and though they couldn't prove it, they were sure you were somehow responsible for everyone bullying them and beating them up. They even wanted to leave the academy at points but the dean wouldn't let them transfer because you were their second best student and they knew you'd transfer if the girl you got academic probation for left. They clearly considered you a scrouge on their life. It was degrading that you kept following them despite the complete lack of interest on their part. If it were her she would have eaten the candies spiked with your bodily fluids that you made this year on your stalking anniversary. Not that she wanted it to be her. She'd never like a loser who would roll over on their back and beg if their crush asked for it, she was just using that as an example. You had better options, you could have been with her at one point back when she still liked you because she definitely did like you anymore after seeing you chase some other girl around. Sometimes she found herself picturing all the things you would do in pursuit of her, if she'd give in and praise you in your efforts or let you whimper for a little longer before making you stand up and follow her. It wasn't because she was interested in you though, she just was pondering a scenario that might have happened if you had remained friends growing up and came to the academy following her instead of that disrespectful little shit who could never treat you the way a loser like you should be treated. And sure you were a loser, just the biggest dumbass she'd ever seen but you were supposed to be hers. Those thoughts kept her awake at night sometimes with horrible dreams about her being your crush instead. The dreams made her so deeply uncomfortable because there was no way she'd ever want you back, but one day she finally just broke and decided you would be hers and for that your crush had to go, she had to completely destroy how you perceived them and kill your drive to follow them which was hard when even seeing her get her legs broken hadn't made you think worse of them. She didn't want you, she just didn't want to lose to that girl who had snatched your attention all those years ago.

About a week into the endeavor she realized your tenacity was more intense than she had thought, it was scary just how you could turn anything they did around into them just being silly and continue to move forward on trying to get their heart. You even managed to befriend your crushes friend just so you could make them give her the love potion since she wouldn't take it from you, you did this so much that they started to suspect their friend was using them as a guinea pig and stopped taking from them because you were shit at potion making. She liked that, she far out classed you in potion making as well as curses she when she snatched you up, there would be no way she'd get tricked by you trying to leave her. Not that she liked cared about you leaving or anything though, this was just to teach you and that scum of yours a lesson, she will not lose something that was supposed to be hers. It didn't matter that she backed off first to protect you from her parents, you should have known that the plan was always for her to come back and marry you. It was just so insulting to see you give them the obsession that was supposed to be targeted at her. Not that she wanted to be obsessed over though, it was just the rules, you were her loser first, finders keepers. If she wanted to show you that they were scum like she knew from the moment she saw you following them around, she would need to target you as well. No one else could bully her loser obviously but if your grades started slipping and you grew desperate then you'd see that she wasn't reaching a hand out or anything to help you, you'd hopefully begin to resent them. She knew you did all their homework when they were sick or just slipping up in class, you'd see they weren't willing to do the same for you and you'd realize it was never going to happen with them, thus your obsession would automatically go back to the last person you'd been obsessed with, Pauline.

It never even occurred to her that she was obviously stalking you and just pulling a lot of the same tactics on you as the ones you'd been using on your crush, like drugging you to make you too tired to focus on them because you had a grade to maintain if you wanted to be able to chain them to you later. Surely seeing them less would make you start to get over this thing that had been allowed to fester by the school plus you couldn't do your side experiments. You were horrible with potions and curses related to love but one of these days you would crack it, she had to stop this before you managed to crack it because by then it would be too late to show you that your crush was an even bigger loser than yourself. Never mind that she was also tiring herself out to chase you around campus and make sure nothing big happened, her tricks were certainly working on you, any day now. Your pace was not easy to keep up with though, for a loser you were quick busy everyday even with being poisoned. So a very dedicated loser, if only that dedication had been put towards someone who actually deserved it, then she wouldn't be going through this right now. She was so going to punish you just for making her chase you this much first once she finally caught you. She was already picturing what she'd make you do for her when she finally married you, obviously she'd need to make you slightly more behaved, she liked your loser side but chasing after you like this was completely exhausted, she didn't want to spend your whole marriage stopping you from trying to spike her once you liked her again.

"Hey loser, what do you like have in your hands?" She walked into the lab one day after hearing your laughs of pure glee, once you were married it would be a good thing to hear her wife laugh but at the moment your joy was only for that stupid crush of yours so she couldn't really enjoy it as much as she wanted to. You stiffened when you heard her come in, hiding something in a drawer in your lab desk. You and her shared a lab with three other students who were also elite casters but she only ever saw you use the damn thing when no one else was around. This time you must have finally done something you were sure would get their affection. She was going to burn it to a crisp in front of you just to watch you cry, that would be the best part of her week. Maybe you'd finally get the message.

"N-nothing. J-just go away." You always stuttered when you talked to her, even back when you were both kids, when she was younger it was cute that you were nervous around her but now she just found it obnoxious, she'd heard how confidently you spoke giving presentations before, why did she not get to hear that. Were you really that terrified of her? Why did you even like her in the first place back then if you were terrified of her, that's just so stupid. She stomped over to you, ripping the desk drawer open to find… a collar? It didn't seem all that interesting to her, and she couldn't sense anything coming from it as she lifted it out of the drawer. Maybe your crush told you if you acted like their dog you'd go out with them and you bought into it, seemed like something her cute loser might do. "G-give that back!"

"Did they like tell you if you acted like their doggy then they'd actually go out with you. Pathetic." She pinned you down on the desk and put the collar on you, locking it and laughing at your angry face. Bringing them up was a sore spot for you so you looked like an angry chipmunk as you tried to think of something to say. "You gonna bark for them, go on loser, let's hear your best bark."

She stood frozen as you barked like you were magically commanded to. So that's what the collar was for… She was very glad she found you when she did, if would have been a disaster if you'd gotten that on your crush. You'd be lost to her forever then.

"G-give me the key!" You tried to jump at her in an effort to get it back.

"Nuh uh, sit." You snarled at her as you were forced to sit down. "Hmm now that I know that thing works, I don't think I'll be taking it off of you, you're my mutt now. In fact, you're not allowed to go anywhere near that piece of scum and… you like have to stay near me at all times. Also you can only listen to my commands"

"S-screw y-you." She took the key and tucked it in her bra for safe keeping as she thought of where she was going to be keeping you, obviously she couldn't take you home with her yet so she supposed she'd just have to get a dorm here and make you sleep in her dorm from now on. She had to keep watch on her new little puppy. She'd get to punish you quicker than she ever thought and she could finally stop chasing after you because even though she was obsessed with you, you were just on a level of dedication she couldn't believe was possible.

After that, true to her word she kept you confined to her side at every moment of the day and far away from that scum. No one but her was even allowed to talk to you at school so it meant she was literally your only option for companionship, she really really liked that part especially. You had to sit there quietly, at her feet at the lunch table because right now you were her puppy as she pet your head and told her lackies how they should ruin your crush's life next. It was so cute to see your red face as you got angrier and angrier. One time you even tried to bite her hand as she pet your hair when se said they should get your crush expelled. Sure you were a top student but if any even higher up student wanted it done then they would do it, Pauline was going to own them one day so it would be awful to get on her bad side. She even told you back at the dorm later that she was going to have that girl killed when she left the building immediately. Her puppy couldn't have any owner that wasn't her, which again made you snarl at her for calling you a puppy. You tried to spit on her too which got you banned from sleeping on the bed, bad dogs sleep on the floor. Admittedly she dragged a dog bed in and let you sleep on that instead out of guilt, you were only supposed to be her temporary dog until you started to like her again, she didn't want her future wife on the hard floor. You didn't seem happy with the dog bed either but if you weren't going to play nice to sleep on the bed with her then you had to be on the dog bed, at least it was a big dog bed. She was also considering getting a cage to go along with it but you wouldn't have appreciated that very much.

It took a lot of work to finally start breaking you into a good well behaved dog who very rarely tried to bite her, two years after you both graduated academy and she was the dean there actually. She thought it would never happen, she'd had a pretty collar made with the same exact magic sitting in her desk to replace that other collar when you finally agreed to marry her and she was beginning to think she was never going to get to use it but finally you started sleeping on her bed and not biting her on a daily basis, you even let her pet your hair without grumbling at her a few times.

"Puppy, like come over here already." You whined as you walked towards her desk, kneeling in front of her as you mumbled a soft protest about not actually being a dog, despite that you seemed a bit flustered by her calling you that. "It's either idiot or puppy, either way you're still mine though."

"I-I guess p-puppy is b-better." You tried to look away from her only for her hand to hold you still and she pulled the key out from her drawer to unlatch your collar. You started to panic when you saw the key though, backing away from her and crawling back against the wall. "W-wait, y-you're abandoning m-me? Please please please d-don't, I c-can do better. I-I'll be better! I p-promise, don't l-leave me a-alone. Is t-this c-cause I bit y-you t-too much? I-it won't happen again!"

Pauline tried to get in a word to correct you but you were just sobbing and heaving on the floor as she realized she finally got you to be obsessed with her and hadn't even realized it. She had to stop herself from smiling as she approached you with the new collar in hand. She took you in her arms and took off the old one as you pleaded with her to stoop before she clicked the new one on, you calmed down instantly as you realized she was just putting a new one on.

"This is like why you have to let me speak idiot, I'd never leave my puppy alone, that's like being a bad owner. You're my loser, okay?" You nodded as you hugged her tightly. She had to send you away quick before you could see the massive smile on her face. "Alright now like go take a nap, puppy."

You ran over to the dog bed in her office to go nap while she smiled to herself that after a few years of trying, she could finally marry you and that scum was a distant memory in your head finally.

[howtofightwrite]

perhaps an odd/specific question, but if a character got shot through the hand at very close range without access to medical care (apocalypse) how serious would that injury be? would it be possible to bandage/treat it without medical knowledge?

So, there's a couple factors here that could have a meaningful impact. However, on the question of how serious, this depends on your definition. If you're asking, “is this life threatening?” The answer is yes, but probably not for the reason you're thinking of. If you're asking, “will this cause significant changes to what the character can do,” then, again, the answer is yes.

The chances of bleeding to death from a gunshot wound to the hand aren't especially high, if the wound is properly bandaged, and the victim can stop bleeding. That last part isn't guaranteed, but unless there's some contributing factor (like a history of alcoholism), if they can stop the bleeding, that won't be what kills them.

What might kill them is bacterial infection. Contrary to popular belief (and, even contrary to what I've said in the past), bullets do not burn hot enough to sterilize the bullet. Meaning the bullet can be a vector for bacterial infection (of course, the bandage, and any debris forced into the body by the gunshot, are more likely to become vectors.) In a post-apocalyptic setting, without access to medical treatment, a bacterial infection can absolutely kill you.

Of course, improper bandage hygiene can also result in an infection, days after the original gunshot wound occurred. In a post-apocalyptic environment, you really do not want to ignore open wounds.

On the non-lethal side of the question, they're never going to be able to use that hand again. At least, it's not going to be the same, ever again. How bad it is will depend on what they were hit with. But, in most circumstances, a gunshot to the hand will break bones in the hand. In many cases the bullet can even eject bone fragments from the hand.

Without medical treatment, broken bones in the palm of the hand can permanently impair its use, but when you're ejecting critical portions of the hand's structure, yeah, that's not going to work right without those bits. When you look at most of your skeletal structure, your bones basically create a kind of intricate pulley system. Depending on what's damaged, destroyed, or ejected, that might mean that some fingers are still functional, or it could create a situation where they're unable to use their fingers at all. In some cases (such as with a shotgun), you might even eject enough material that the hand itself is completely unsalvageable.

So, the short version is, it might not kill your character, but that hand is going to be very seriously messed up, and it will probably, permanently change their life, and might still kill them later.

-Starke

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[machine-saint]

licensing all my posts under the GPL from now on

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[thebookishwallflower]

I want to make a post to inform people about the current situation with the bird flu (/avian flu/H5N1) outbreaks.

I don't want to cause panic but do want to spread information.

This is especially important if you live in an area that has a news system you don't trust to give accurate, timely, or honest news about something like a possible new pandemic, use your own judgement.

If that applies it is going to be very important to make sure you stay informed and follow these H5N1 outbreaks yourself and know how to best protect yourself.

I am no expert, but I do know a good bit about disease and influenza in particular, and have been following the H5N1 outbreaks as they've been happening, so under the cut I'm going to do my best to inform everyone I can.

Please stay safe, stay informed, and spread information, not germs.

What's bird flu and why do I care? (What's bird flu and why do I care?)

Avian flu and bird flu mean the same thing, an influenza virus that (primarily) infects birds. H5N1 denotes a specific strain of avian influenza. H5N1 can spillover (when a pathogen spreads from it's normal host organism to a new host organism) from animals to humans.

How could I get H5N1? (How could I get H5N1?)

Human to human transmission has not been observed yet (12/1/24) during this current outbreak. You can get this from contact with wild birds, especially water fowl, domestic birds, cattle, pigs, horses, dogs, and bats. It is also possible to get from raw (unpasteurized) milk and undercooked meat from infected animals.

What's the big deal then? (What's the big deal then?)

The common flu is not very pathogenic. How pathogenic something is determines how sick something makes the host, something that is highly pathogenic can cause severe disease. H5N1 is considered a HPAI, Highly Pathogenic Avian Influenza.

H5N1 is also a Type A influenza virus, most known Type A influenza viruses can infect birds. There is one Type A human flu in circulation at the moment, however it isn't very prevalent.

"IAV poses a significant risk of zoonotic infection, host switch, and the generation of pandemic viruses. IAVs can infect humans and a variety of animals, such as pigs, horses, marine mammals, cats, dogs, and birds (S1)."

IAV - Influenza A Viruses | Zoonotic infection - when an infectious disease of a non-human host infects a human host | Host switch - when a cross-species transmission of a pathogen can lead to successful, stable, and continuous infections

Every species the flu infects, the more strains that pop up under a sub-type IAV, the possibility for recombination increases. "Recombination occurs when at least two viral genomes [or strains] co-infect the same host cell and exchange genetic segments (S2)."

The flu is pretty good at recombination, when given the chance. It is also really good at mutating, and fast. If there were to be a recombination event and a new strain evolved (this would be called an antigenic shift) that was highly pathogenic, highly infectious (good at spreading, which H5N1 is), that could then infect humans and cause human-to-human transmission we might have a pandemic on our hands. This has not shown signs of happening during this outbreak*, this is what to look out for.

This (a recombination event) is what caused the 1918 pandemic during WW1. This pandemic killed an estimated 50 to 100 million people in 1918, in a world with a population of around 2 billion. 7.1 million died of COVID 19, as of 11/9/24 (S3), from a population of around 8 billion.

We know more, we are prepared, it's not guaranteed to happen, and it's not guaranteed to be as bad. But the possibilities are endless and it's extremely important to be prepared and stay informed.

So what do I do? (So what do I do?)

Again, stay informed, and that might mean checking independent news sources, the CDC website, and more, to keep yourself updated, especially if you know your local news won't do it for you. You should also familiarize yourself with the symptoms of influenza, if you have it, stay home.

Keep yourself safe, we had a pandemic already, you know the drill. Cover your nose and mouth when sneezing/coughing, wash your hands, sanitize your hands, and get your flu shot. And, in addition, avoid contact with wild birds, poultry, pigs, and cattle if you can.

In the event that this gets worse, social distancing is very important, being outdoors, wearing a mask, and all the stuff above, you can shed the virus for around a week before you start feeling bad. Keep yourself safe and don't infect anyone else.

If that doesn't sound like it'll do much, I promise you it does. Those are all classified NPI's (non-pharmaceutical interventions) and even epidemiologists were shocked at their impact and importance during the COVID-19 pandemic. They did work, and they were incredibly effective—as long as they were carried out.

I don't want to cause panic or worry anyone, but that is how information ends of suppressed. I want to make everyone aware of what we might face so that we can fight it and be strong and stay safe.

If anyone has any questions, wants any clarification, any corrections, or wants to know some good places to learn more about this stuff please don't hesitate to contact me (@'s, dm's, or asks), I will answer as best I can.

Here's the CDC's page covering the H5 bird flu current situation.

S1 - https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5578040/

S2 - https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7106159/

S3 - https://data.who.int/dashboards/covid19/deaths?n=c

*with the exception of this coverage (as a possibility): https://www.theguardian.com/world/2024/nov/19/bird-flu-cases-mutation-canada

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Razi's Guide to Challenging Coercive Control in Society and Your Personal Life

Part 1 - A Functionalist Perspective on Self-Creating Morality

I'll be blunt. The only person free from the risk of being abusive are those who were never alive at all. There is no easy solution to being a good and just person, and no matter what arena of our lives we interrogate, there will be actions we have taken or deeds endorsed that were unacceptable, likely even in the moment.

The truth is, there is no specific set of instructions I could give you to earn you such an outcome. But why should we refuse to try?

Many of us have learned to internalize fear of failure, especially fear of moral failure, as a fear of excommunication from the social fabric of survival. This combines poorly with a world in which the only person who is successfully non-coercive in their navigation of the world is the person who is unafraid of being told they HAVE exerted inappropriate pressure or coercion, and who is unafraid of the trial and error involved in learning the balance of people they love or live with. You have to fail morality with an open and curious mind in order to have even a hope of succeeding in morality. A connundrum for many a nervous system even when the brain sees true.

So lets be clear, the question of how to observe your own use and wielding of coercion and control is essential for EVERYONE, no matter who you are, what your values, or how your history has played out. Thinking otherwise is its own risk factor when assessing risks for abuse. Specifically, behaviors of and exertion of overcontrol actually often raises the risk measure of an abuse victim's safety assessment (in this case referring to The Danger Assessment commonly utilized in domestic violence safety assessment, linked below) more than a physical assault would, as it is historically a higher predictor of who will harm or kill a victim when they attempt to differentiate within the relationship or leave it.

So what are the foundations of coercive control? Well, interestingly enough, researchers have been working to answer this question for a while! There are a lot of really useful and in depth conversations about this, but here's a succinct introduction to it. **a reminder, this is about how to interrogate YOUR OWN behavior for patterns of coercion and control more effectively. The information contained in this post is NOT an effective way of identifying abusive/coercive thoughts and behaviors in others, although ultimately the better you understand your own risks and maladaptive behavior patterns, the easier it is to cultivate relationships with healthy and adaptive boundaries for all parties.

*these screenshots are cited from an article about self-reported abusive and coercive behaviors during perceived in-group conversations such as on estranged parent web forums and represents an effective intro summary of patterns of coercive/abusive relationships in many mixed-hierarchy relationship dynamics from other existing research:

The important thing about realizing we all carry at least SOME of these coercive/abusive beliefs is that we must allow the inevitability of that reality undermine the shame and fear society encourages us to feel about the possibility of committing a moral failure, and sppecifically doing so while being able to maintain the somewhat contradictory side-by-side reality that these moral failings, every time they occur, must be treated as if you have done serious harm which must be REPAIRED. Specifically, we must set aside the idea of self-flagellation/punishment as "repair" and we must stop seeing apologies as a performance of remorse and contrition. Apologies are an opportunity to communicate to a person that you respect and hear their feelings, and that you will continue to act with love to the best of your ability. People rarely feel displays of guilt make good apologies. They often feel like an apology has been properly made when they feel their experience of distress was recognized and given genuine kindness.

So rather than looking at this list and justifying the ones that hit a little too close to home, the experiment for this week, the last week of 2024, is to actually ask the question "what if believing this really does hurt me and others?" What would it mean to you, in the life you have led, to consider the possibility that these beliefs are themselves abusive/coercive, and that when you act on them, so are you. If you have decided to come along with me on this long-term self-study, perhaps you'll journal along with me (in public or in private) on that question.

For now, I'll get the ball rolling. One of the dysfunctional beliefs that resonated the most for me is:

Emotions cause actions. When I feel something, I can't not act on it, or at least it would be wrong not to.

I have spent many sections of my life in abusive relationships, and the idea of not acting on the feeling of hurt or emotional lashing out sits VERY poorly with me both in concept and in practice. I genuinely do believe that such emotions ARE wrong not to "act" on, but I have come to understand that to "act upon" an emotion like that must often be an internal or curated affair. For example, there are times that my wife says things that feel hurtful, and because of how I experience them, I can struggle at times to "remember" that my interpretation is not the only available one. It is rare, when I do remember this, for a thing my wife said to be INAPPROPRIATE, even when it is hurtful. And I have realized that how I talk to her about the hurt feelings from appropriate statements must look very different from a talk about the rare INAPPROPRIATE and hurtful comment. Critically, being clear with each other about these two types of conversations means we are better equipped to treat things that were both hurtful and inappropriate with real seriousness, without detracting from or sacrificing our ability to discuss more complicated navigations of hurtful but appropriate episodes/statements. Example: sometimes my wife lets me know she's feeling overextended physically and like she can't keep up on her own and can't get help. This is ALWAYS a hurtful conversation for me because I am aware of the truth of what she says and we are BOTH aware that truth is largely beyond my control. My wife, in these moments, is asking me to sit with her in love with the knowledge that she is hurting as an outcome of trying to do an entire household's physical labor alone and that she fundamentally cannot expect help from me even though we both wish that were not so. She is not asking any ACTION of me. She is not asking CHANGE. She is not asking for APOLOGY. She's not even asking for GRATITUDE. But she *is* asking TO BE SEEN BY HER PARTNER IN HER WHOLENESS. In the same example, there have been a time here or there when, whether in response to defensiveness from me, or overwhelm in other areas of life, she has expressed this need to be seen in ways that were truly unkind or inappropriate. When these occurred, it was entirely necessary for her and I to sit down and talk through why/how that could not repeat, but importantly, it happened AFTER she and I got through a conversation about her feelings. It did ME (let alone her) no good to challenge how she expressed a reasonable feeling in an unreasonable way in the moment. And in fact, taking the time to make sure she felt fully heard is often integral to her ability to hear me in turn. I like to call this the assumption of good faith. I know that my wife loves me and that I love her. I am allowed and in fact will require healthy boundaries to maintain this love in a healthy way. And healthy boundaries are best discussed with unconditional regard for all parties involved, which means that while some boundaries may not change based on someone's feelings about it, but those feelings may indicate certain needs that would - if met - better facilitate the outcomes you want. This is NOT abuse apologia, and inherently does not accept that certain boundaries (such as hitting or restraining another person) can be safely crossed. It does however name that many boundaries may require mutual agreement on how they can effectively manifest/be maintained.

A lesson I am choosing to take in from this exercise is the lesson that it can be emotionally easy to match energies when I feel someone is pressuring or aggressing me, but I know that my intellectual preference, and the choice I would least regret after the fact, would be to de-escalate that feeling rather than add to it. Because of my abuse history I often struggle to differentiate between "holding a boundary firmly" and "being mean", which can mean BOTH that I fail to adequately hold or communicate boundaries AND that I am prone to lashing out if I "bottle up" a boundary for too long and genuinely say something unkind an inappropriate. And while I may feel justified in my feelings, that can never translate to justifying inappropriate behaviors that stem from those feelings.

As 2025 dawns, what lessons are you taking into the year for yourself?