#I am. objectively incorrect about him. I acknowledge this

[dereks-unrelenting-heart]

SFTH Chaotic Highlights (Too Big To Be A Jockey)

My 5th longform commentary :)

Classic stagecraft confusion with not knowing where exactly the horse is-

"It's not about the rider" "I'm pretty sure it's important" Sam could've said a lot more then (a la 'invading Spain through the East') but he clearly restrained himself this time

"You're a specialty" "I'm a specialty" "Yes" When instead of acknowledging it, they double down on their bullshit

"Ol' Johnny Jones, even though he's a tall guy" "He's 6'6"" They loved assigning roles to Tom early on huh

"Don't slap me in front of Thunderclap!" What is this, an abusive relationship with their child in the room?

Sam trying to fit the show title into the story also happened in a lot of earlier shows

"Get your hand off my horse's tits" One of my favorite Sam running jokes

Johnny Jones choosing the creepiest possible way of entering the scene, sneaking up and putting his hands on Jeremy's shoulders before letting himself be known to Franklin

"I'm saying if this man rides this horse too many more times, she's gonna split in half" You know, I am starting to feel bad for Thunderclap here

AMAZING CHOICE for Johnny Jones to just lift Thunderclap to move her

"Little man" "He is a little man" Absolutely shocking this bit wasn't directed at Luke for once

Johnny Jones being taller at 5 years old than he is now, nice one AJ

"Swallow the spit, don't waste it" I take back my previous statement, Tom was never safe from the spit jokes.. And this is a damn good one

"The one with the Irish Yorkshire-man" ".. I thought he was from London, personally" It's not a SFTH play without a bit of accent confusion

"And by golly he can win that competition!" "She" "She?" "Don't misgender the horse" Yeah Luke you fucking bigot /ref

"Ridiculous double names these poor people have isn't it? It's just the same name twice!" "They couldn't afford another one" Luke and Sam's rich person humor vs Tom's reference to improv comedy not being a great financial choice in OMGITAJ

"He's lost all of his races" Hey Johnny Jones, it wasn't just your height and weight before, we definitely were questioning your legitimacy as a jockey

I know this wasn't the implication from the 'not standing next to an object' thing, but I just imagine Johnny Jones sending a job application with a photo of himself in front of one of those school photoshoot backgrounds that's either a pure black void or a random mix of colors

Sam fully losing it from his own dumb 'wrong station' joke is so great

"I go home to inform him of the horses" I imagine those conversations are incredible "Daddy daddy daddy, the horses!" "Yes son, the horses are still there" "And Thunderclap, is she okay?" "Yes son, she's fine" "Are you sure? Johnny Jones isn't curving her spine into the shape of a horseshoe?" "... Thunderclap is as fine as she usually is"

"Creepy.." "Get you mind out of the gutter, I said my annex!" You can blame the fake alcohol all you want, but what you were thinking was a little more than just 'creepy'

Sam blatantly setting up for the kid to be the jockey, only to act baffled by the idea when Luke finally suggests it

"But, sir-" "w h a t" "... Good idea-" The death glare I know Luke gave him in that moment was deserved

"Ice?" "Come on, sir. You're meant to be upper class" Coming from someone who is both below the legal drinking age and is very much NOT a part of the upper class, let the man have some ice-

"My presence bestows upon you a great many blessings" Wrong direction, but sure close enough

"We are family, even though we look nothing alike" This is one of the only times in sfth history where that's an incorrect statement

AJ: *gets on his knees and kisses Tom's knuckles* Tom: *surprised at the mafia route his character went in*

"The horses do not like it when you cry.. I do though" Cantuccini and his nephew are both freaks huh

Oh boy it's time for my favorite scene

"I'm to be your new jockey!" *literally points and laughs*

Sam urging once again to move the plot along

"I'm here to ride horses and take names" Best line, specifically because it's coming from a 5 year old whose voice sounds like Sam inhaled helium

My reaction to AJ going from 0-100 by getting out a gun is perfectly summarized in Sam's subsequent "what thE FUCK"

"I changed my mind :(" Sam really has a knack for taking up animals roles and ultimately regretting his choices (ie. Mario the Sheep)

"What is this tiny fucking runt of a pony?" Luke, 10 seconds before playing the role of 'small blonde dog':

Luke, the most fabulous blonde horse/dog I ever did see

I like how while AJ and Tom are talking here, Sam and Luke are having their own telepathic conversation of just "Was I not.. supposed to be here? Did I fuck up?" "Idfk man, just let them sort this shit out"

I was gonna say that when it cuts to him riding Thunderclap, Sam is the perfect embodiment of the :D emoji, but turns out the official subtitles beat me to it

Anyway, this kid is so happy to be riding a horse, I sure hope nothing happens to him! *cut to Johnny Jones running towards him at record speed* oh no!

"I'm so terribly sorry about your son, Gavin" Oh my god he's dead "He's been trampled to death by Johnny Jones" HE WHAT

Luke: "Did he have a brother?" Gavin, sweating: "No."

Poor Gavin's gonna lose both of his sons in one terrible work week

"What is the exact nature of the land I own?" When Luke realizes he doesn't know what's going on and desperately tries to stay in character while asking about it

"What do you farm?" ".. Peasants?" Insane response, I love when Luke plays a morally questionable/evil rich guy

I'd comment on their back-and-forth about farming, but I know no more than Luke does about the subject so I'm just gonna 🤐

Realizing I don't know Luke's character's name here or if he was given one, so I'm gonna call him Sir since that's what Gavin's said about a million times

So 'Sir' is very insistent on potentially killing another kid, leaving Gavin sad and childless

This scene is a good second place the the first child one

Bro knows exactly what he's getting into and he is not thrilled at all

"Hullo.." *long pause* *gets gun* "..Look I've had a shit week alright, can we not do this right now-"

What A Twist #2

"The butler" "No" "The land owner" The farm owner, or farmer, one might say

"So it's you who's been sending children to my stables" Yeah and it's you who's been threatening them at gunpoint for some fucked up reason

"Look how high he can lift you with his hands" "I've got a gun" Well there goes Johnny Jones' murder plans

Tom coming in with the ultimate plot twist

I actually thing this is the only time they do a costume related switch up where they can't either continue being themselves (Bubba from Inside The Mysterious Cube) or have the actors swap out (Jelly Jeremiah, also from Inside The Mysterious Cube), so it's just extra confusing

AJ and Sam's opposite reactions to the turn of events, AJ telling him to quit it and Sam immediately wanting to hear Tom attempt to explain how the fuck this is possible. I'm team Sam 100%

I also have no idea who supposedly slapped AJ there, but that's one way to leave a scene ig

Not sure what's more fucked up, the fact the kid was alive the whole time and he didn't tell anyone so his family mourned him, or the fact to stay hidden he made a MEAT SUIT OUT OF THE DEAD GUY... Probably the latter but you know, food for thought

"You leave my family alone!" "Or else what? Oh right, the broken hand-" Tom would never forget such an important detail in his stagecraft *cough*Unrelenting Aubergine*cough* smh

"We're gonna ride the horse together" "But we weight too much together" I thought you were each basically 80% helium tf is this about

Luke's Small Blonde Dog/Horse returns!

"And they said I was too big to be a jockey" Love whenever Sam does this, as mentioned earlier, but I especially love that in this case it doesn't make any sense for the character-

Final Thoughts: We'll never know what Sam was gonna say before Luke called scene at the end..

[gayofthefae]

I just realized what the trick is. The GA knows that Mike looks like he reciprocates feelings. But they also know that we're in Will's POV a lot of the time. And they're equating the two. "Oh, Mike only looks like that because Will has false hope so they're making it look that way"...but both can be and are true. Yes, we are in Will's POV, good eye. But that also is objectively Mike's behavior.

They aren't as invested to think about it harder so I understand why you wouldn't think of it that way, but that's what it is. It isn't that they don't see it, it's that they dismiss it as being Will's biased point of view. Anything you noticed is because Will noticed it. If it seemed romantic, that's to demonstrate Will's wishful thinking. But it's not. It can be. both.

It's clever. To say "this is Will's POV, which is biased" and subvert the season theme of biased narrators to essentially use reverse psychology. "Here is a biased point of view of something that is actually happening to make you dismiss it as just his perspective," to make him dismiss it as just his perspective. Because his perspective is even larger than you think it is. You think it extends to just his wishful thinking but it goes beyond that, it includes him acknowledging it as wishful thinking. They place in his shoes only to set up still being in them at the time of his doubt and self deprecation. So that you, too, believe that Mike's destined for El and that he'll never reciprocate Will's feelings.

THAT'S the real unreliable narration. The unreliable narration is that Will's narration is unreliable, almost. Will thinks anything he sees is just wishful thinking and dismisses it. So so do you. You think the writers are trying to convince you and you're dismissing it, but they're not. They know you. They're convincing you to dismiss it.

They're convincing you to see it as unrequited while also putting it in plain sight. And when you do rewatch, you'll see that it was always there. And you knew it was the first time, too. You just got tricked into believing it wasn't real. But it was.

The false truth wasn't that Will believed Mike reciprocated. It was actually in volume 2, when he believed that he didn't.

You didn't break out of Will's POV by commenting on how you don't think Mike loves him back, you only immersed yourself further without even knowing it. His biased narration is of Mike's relationship with El, not Mike's relationship with him. But he thinks the opposite...and so so do you.

It's funny the organization and order of it all. Because your brain picks up patterns. You know there will be some falsehood to his story, like everyone else's, so you latch onto the first one you see, his hope, without noticing the little moments:

El and Mike are laughing and holding hands, but Mike says that he wasn't happy all day because he was focusing on Will.

Mike tells El he loves her and they're more in love than ever, but Mike tells Will they've hardly spoken in two days.

Mike tells El it was love at first sight, but Mike tells Will it was happenstance - even specifying that it "wasn't fate or destiny"

The direct contradictions are there, you just have to look. They don't look and that's fine. That's the definition of general audience. That's why I'm analyzing. That's the intention of the writers. And when you look surface level for a falsehood, the easy answer is that Will is wrong to believe Mike reciprocates, but not only am I personally not sure he even believed that, but if you look closer there's another right in front of you with direct contradictions with Mike telling you flat out that Will's perception of his relationship is incorrect.

[melt1ngmoment]

also my ex saying factually untrue things to further victimize himself is just so funny im sorry

like in that argument hes claiming im "hiding" and is typing all erratic in all caps for some reason 😭and im like I just went to sit in my car i didn't know u were looking for me. and hes like YOU LEFT ME IN THE BATHROOM AND YOU KNOW HOW I HATE BEING IN THE BATHROOM AND HAVE TRAUMA AND YOU MADE ME STAY THERE. NAKED (like legitimately what he was saying)..... like??? just finding things to say that dont even make sense at all😭😭😭😭

Like wdym I left you in the bathroom. you have free will. Get up and leave. And youre naked OK put on some clothes what was he ON. its just the way he wholeheartedly believed in everything he said and the sentiment... like telling me off for "making him stay in the bathroom naked" is so fucking odd but hes fully convinced yk?

its weird and so hypocritical bc he was always set on gaslighting me and telling me my legitimate feelings about things are untrue or that im lying and making things up or am delusional. like the projection still astounds me bc.... The difference is when im voicing my hurt abt something he did or said or a feeling I have im not...acting like its 100% fact or like making up things like that yk? like I also was very careful to acknowledge that feelings are not facts BUT they are still legitimate feelings and there is no right or wrong. And I hated when he would treat my feelings like they were objectively incorrect things to feel and gaslight me to the moon abt it bc that is not how you address interpersonal conflict at all

but meanwhile hes out here legit making things up and saying false things that didnt happen ie when he berated me for "cutting with his dead uncle's knife" even though it did not belong to his uncle and he said his friend gave it to him???? unless if he was lying abt that?? and also i didnt cut with it like 😭 get it together omg. Just str8 up lying and stuff its so weird

[platonically-loving-alastor]

Hazbin Unus Annus AU Part 2

Ignore how late this is, it took me a while for reasons you'll soon understand

As I said, the titles and overall concepts of every video will remain the same. The first real Unus Annus video was called Cooking With Sex Toys. So. Here me out. This is actually great as a first video, as it will serve as an example of the difference in direction Alastor and Lucifer would take the idea as opposed to the original Mark and Ethan. This is going to be a longer post, as are most future ones for this series, as they will include detailing of what went more or less the same and what went differently from the original version, as well as having quotes integrated throughout to make it feel like a transcript.

Warning for a generally long post and nsfw talk under the cut I guess, incorrect use of sex toys lmao

Angel Dust was the one to think of this idea, of course. He knew it would be funny to watch the Radio Demon do his favorite thing with objects related to his least favorite thing, and he knew other sinners would agree with him.

Alastor: No.

Angel: What?

Alastor: Absolutely not.

Angel: What's wrong with the idea?

Alastor: It's disgusting and a terrible representation of what goes on here.

Angel: It's not about what goes on here, it's about getting you two in the same room together without ripping each other's heads off.

Alastor: Since when does that require the things you're talking about?

Angel: It doesn't. But think of it this way; You despise the idea, right?

Alastor: Correct.

Angel: Then if you start the year off doing it, the rest of the year will be a breeze in comparison.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Most important detail to get out there: Alastor refuses to acknowledge the strangeness of what's going on. He knows what they're doing, he knows what they're using and why it would be considered 'funny', but he'd rather not. So he acts as if it's completely normal.

Lucifer: So, what do we have here?

Alastor: You're the one who bought it all.

Lucifer, ignoring him: Okay, we got a paddle.

Alastor: A spatula.

Lucifer: Yeah, sure. We also have a different kind of.. 'Spatula'.

Alastor: That one would be used for meat tenderizing.

Lucifer: Right..

Alastor: None of this is sexual. We are cooking a delicious breakfast-

Lucifer: Using sex toys.

Alastor: They are only sex toys if we use them as such.

Lucifer: Sure, buddy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While most things in this video go differently, I think the uses of the toys remain, including the ears and tail. Specifically, Lucifer buys a pair of deer ears and tail, to mock and annoy Alastor.

Charlie: Aw, now you two are matching :)

Lucifer, having bought them for this exact purpose: Hey, we are, aren't we? What a special bonding moment between friends.

Alastor: *eye twitches* We are not friends. Take them off.

Lucifer: What's wrong, Al? I'm a small, adorable, defenseless deer, just like you!

Alastor: I am far from defenseless, your highness.

Lucifer: Well then, if you're so strong, why don't you just make me take them off?

*insert intense stare-down, both knowing damn well Alastor couldn't do shit about it if he wanted to*

Alastor, begrudgingly: Very well.. Just don't let it become a distraction.

Lucifer: Aw see, I knew you'd come around, Bambi!

Alastor: Call me that one more time and I will slit your throat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alastor, rinsing down one of the toys: You should always rinse out your new cookware *proceeds to meticulously clean and disinfect each object. Twice*

He's having a hard time with getting over this part.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Angel took Charlie's place behind the camera once the cleaning was done, after she fully realized the awkwardness of the situation. She made him promise to not let them get too out of control.

Alastor: *unsuccessfully using the whip as a whisk*

Angel: I think you gotta squeegee it out with you hands.

Alastor: *sighs* this is not proper cooking etiquette

Lucifer: You know, it's not supposed to look like dough. You wanna add a couple more uh.. *smirks and motions toward the fleshlights they used for water* Are we calling them cups?

Alastor: *deep inhale* Yes we are, and yes I will.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alastor: *going on a tangent about how to not burn a pancake, slowly devolving into struggling to flip said pancake with the paddle and becoming increasingly frustrated* As I am attempting to demonstrate, you just have to... Just... Ahah.. This would be a lot easier if I was using a standard spatula. BUT we'll just have to make do with this crude, impractical, nuisance of a- *flips pancake* and there we have it, ladies and gentlemen, a perfectly cooked pancake!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lucifer: *getting ready to beat the eggs* Are there any spices you want on your eggs? Any salt, pepper, or..

Alastor, stopping everything he's doing: Are.. Are those all the spices you know..?

Lucifer being unbearably white (despite not even being human) and the remains of Alastor's heart consequently dying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because they're using the same materials, that means they're also using the drilldo (Lucifer was responsible for that one).

Lucifer: Huh, I never would've tried beating eggs this way, but it does a pretty damn good job! It's the correct motion and everything.

Alastor: ...

Lucifer: Right, Alastor? Don't you think the drilldo's doing a good job?

Alastor: Please refrain from reminding me about the atrocity you created earlier. And don't call it that.

Lucifer: ... But do you think it's working? *holds the bowl up to him*

Alastor: Yes yes, it's working fine! Just get it out of my face!

'Gee, there's a lot of stuff Alastor doesn't want Lucifer to say'. Yes. In fact, in his ideal world, Lucifer would be completely silent 24/7.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lucifer: *about a vibrator they're using to cut the eggs* This thing is stronger than I thought. I kinda feels nice. Al, you want a massage?

Alastor: Stay away from me with that thing.

Lucifer: Come on, you're the one saying none of this is sexual-

Alastor: Because it's not.

Lucifer: Then why are you so uncomfortable with this? I was just gonna massage your back with it.

Alastor: Sexuality has nothing to do with it, I just generally don't want you touching me.

Lucifer: Hm, well you're good at being a hypocrite, try it on me instead!

Alastor: Only if it will quiet you down. *takes the vibrator from him, reluctantly brushing his shoulder with it*

Lucifer: Ah~

Alastor: *immediately turns it off, puts it down, and steps away* Well I won't be handling that anymore today.

*Lucifer and Angel Dust laughing*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alastor will eat none of the food they make, insisting it has nothing to do with the materials used and that he just isn't hungry. The trip he made to Cannibal Town shortly after they finished filming is entirely unrelated.

Lucifer: Alright Alastor, breakfast is served! *sets down plates of eggs, bacon, and pancakes*

Alastor: I wasn't planning on eating that.

Lucifer: Oh but surely a chef must taste test his own dish.

Alastor: Well then you can go on ahead and do that. I'll be sitting this one out.

Lucifer: You act like we got these things from a second hand shop.

Alastor: Eugh.. I'm well aware of where we got them. I just don't feel particularly hungry right now.

Angel: Ain't you always hungry?

Alastor: Yes, but that can't be so easily satiated with eggs and bacon. Although if you're offering something else...

Angel, regretting decisions: Nope! Sorry sorry, jeez.. Ignore me, I'm just the cameraman

[greenlikethesea]

emails between dustin and max, fair ithilien verse

these will likely never see the light of day, mostly written to make @sparklyslug smile and give us some character work. basically, they're tech savvy and email each other!

the only context you need to know for these two emails is that max, in her prior email, told dustin to stop being such a dick to megan and stop meddling in steve's affairs.

06-14-1998

SUBJECT: Two photos, one question

Madmax,

I know I’ve already seen you in person and we worked it all out, but I want to tie up this thread too, because if nothing else, I’m a completionist. Suzy’s brother Samson says it’s because I have a Virgo moon. I have literally no idea what that means, but I’m sticking to it.

This reply is a week late because I had to stop being mad at you first. Not because you were mean, which you kind of were even if you acknowledged it, but because you were right, which you absolutely were. And you know how much I hate it when you’re right. I am lonely, and I’m pissed off because neither of them are fucking happy in their relationships and could be perfectly happy with each other. Fuck, Eddie won’t even officially tell me that he’s dating Josh, even though he’s been in the picture for a while now. And god, it’s bad. He and Steve haven’t spoken to each other in like four months. Steve’s drinking again, and doing that thing where he thinks he’s hiding it. No one else knows, but I know him, and I know the tells.

I’ll have you know that I’m only going to keep my mouth shut about Megan for everyone else’s sake. You all act like I’m out for blood with her, and that’s not true. I just think he should be with someone who actually knows him. I wish he’d think with his whole brain instead of his heart (and, to be real, his dick, because she is objectively hot). 

Okay, enough about that, it’s thoroughly depressing me. Subjecting myself to utter mortification in order to not mope around and be single: I caved. I got a profile on Match.com. I have filled out more information than I did the last time I went to the doctor. And because apparently my shining personality is not enough, I’ve attached two pictures for the profile. Please tell me the one I look the least bad in. Be honest. Not that I have to tell you to be honest, because you will be, but really, don’t hold back. 

Glad I finally got to meet this mystery girlfriend you keep mentioning in your emails. You didn’t tell me Claire was that fucking cool. Way to hold out on me. If you don’t want to go with her to the next Weird Al show on account of it being, in your oh-so-incorrect words, “unspeakably lame,” I will gladly go with her as a friend. I’ll pick her up and everything. 

Forgive me if this is crass, but I feel like you’ll get pissed if I pussyfoot around it – are you gay now? I know you were kind of in bisexual land for a while, but Claire is for keeps, I think. I know you haven’t been together for a long time, but sometimes you get a vibe. 

Love,

Dustin

SUBJECT: Re: Two photos, one question

Darlingest,

Claire is the absolute coolest. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with her, which is frightening and not something I want to touch now that I’ve written it out, so don’t ask for elaboration. The only annoying thing about her is that she works nights right now, so coordinating plans with her can be tricky. But that means I can write this email to you in peace, and that also means that she’ll be wide awake when you see Accordion Man next month, thankfully without me.

Let’s get the pertinent shit out of the way: they’re both good photos, but the second picture’s better. Not that anyone will believe you if you tell them I told you this, but you have a great smile. The nerdy girl of your dreams would much rather see you silly than serious. It’s weird to see you serious. I know you wanted a brutal critique, so I showed them to Erica when she was over yesterday and she said you look constipated in the first one. Call her, by the way. She’s pretending to not miss you but she’s worried that you haven’t reached out. I told her you’re just busy and that you skipped out on our phone call too (which fuck you, by the way :D), but she’s still worried.

As for the topic of my sexuality – grateful as always that you didn’t pussyfoot around it – one of the interns in the office refers to herself as queer and that sounds good. I feel a little uneasy about it sometimes, because Billy weaponized that word to an absurd degree, but it also feels like a fuck you to him, in a way. I think I’ve heard Steve use it a few times too, and if he’s using it in a positive way, I can too. (Yeah, he’s finally owning being queer, even though he’s not telling anyone still. I don’t know why. We’ve all known since like 94. 95, at the latest.) Not everyone likes it, but I do. I hope that answers your question.

I can hear Claire poking around the kitchen for something to eat, so I should probably help her out. It’s a good pain day today, barely need my cane at all. 

Call me, you bitch. I miss you.

Love,

Max

[galaxymagitech]

Yeah, I get the feeling that Bruce has a serious case of “tactical retreat” syndrome. In that, even when he knows he’s wrong, he will only admit it in a very controlled and tactical way. It’s not totally intentional, but each retreat is also an attack or a shift or a tool to get to his main point. He has to win, even when he gives in, so every surrender is still a victory. It makes arguing with him very frustrating and confusing.

And if he thinks he’s right? Yeah, he’s not ceding anything. He will never agree with something he thinks is incorrect, even when he acknowledges that overall he’s in the wrong. It would, to him, be ridiculous and dishonest. He won’t accept any other version of reality than his. He lacks the ability to “just go along with it” for the purpose of making his family feel better. And that serves him well when fighting mind warping or hallucinations or something, but when talking to his family? Oof.

I’ve run into this issue of Bruce’s a lot when I write him trying to apologize. He so rarely apologizes without qualifications or addendums. And when he does apologize fully and outright, it looks really good at first, but he responds poorly if someone pushes him on the specific details of what he did. He might be willing to apologize for A and B, but he thinks C is right. Meanwhile, someone wants an apology for B and C but doesn’t care about A. And he absolutely won’t go “well, they need an apology for C, so I’ll apologize for that even though I think it was okay.” He’ll argue. And then the whole apology will fail.

And I get it. I do. The injustice of accepting something you believe is false. The fear that any ground given is an entire war lost and will pave the way to losing everything. It’s easy for me to write Bruce like this because both my mom and I have similar tendencies. But I’ve reflected on this and tried to be better about it. And if I, a teenager, can apologize for something I’m pretty sure I didn’t do or something I don’t think was wrong out of a desire to repair overall mistakes I’ve made…if I can work on focusing on the person I hurt rather than my desire for objective rightness…I feel like a father in his forties can learn to do it too.

Anyway, it’s 2 am so I am not the most coherent, but I absolutely agree. His control issues absolutely come out in his conversation tactics, and he’s terrified of giving any ground at all.

The Batfam is incredibly dysfunctional, but they’re also incredibly intelligent. Therefore, when I write them arguing without resolution, I have to repeatedly fall back on the same few fundamental communication barriers:

Someone (usually Dick) is correct, but contradicts or undermines themself every other sentence—either out loud or in their head.

Jason is correct, but says everything in the rudest, most condescending way possible, so no one listens to him.

Tim attempts to make logical arguments in an emotional conversation or emotional arguments in a logical conversation.

Someone’s (usually Tim’s or Damian’s) logic is too confusing to follow outside their brain, and therefore is either unable to convince anyone (if correct) or unable to be refuted (if incorrect).

One or more of the people involved (often Jason, Tim, or Steph) is far more interested in taking potshots at another person or people and routinely interrupts any productive conversation.

A character is absolutely correct but thinks they have no right to be involved in the argument. (Dick, Tim, Steph, or Duke, mostly—the others insert themselves into pretty much everything.)

The premise of the argument is so bizarre or disturbing that one or more characters refuse to participate or are at a loss for words. (Happens to all of them, really.)

A character (usually Bruce) is correct, but says everything in the worst way possible. It is taken poorly.

Of course, then there’s the classic “missing information,” “outdated information,” and “assumptions mistaken as information” trio.

…please add to this, I need more ways to make them argue dysfunctionally/interpersonal conflict fuel.

[generic-sonic-fan]

you should share some of your favorite headcanons about omega/team dark with us. i’m in your inbox encouraging you to be as self-indulgent as possible. your last fic has me enamored, i want to hear about everything ever actually but that’s a good place to start 👀

My eyes stopped reading at "self indulgent" so get ready for my wordy, OOC, vibe-based take on Omega! Hold onto your butts, everyone, this is a long one.

To put it simply, there is no Team Dark without Omega.

Because while Shadow and Rouge are so concerned with coming off as Rational People Who Have Their Shit Together, Omega is completely, utterly, unabashedly himself. He's a rebel without a cause, in a way that rebelling against everything tends to cancel out on each other. I sound absolutely off my rocker when I say this, but Omega has a very similar vibe to Sonic for me. Of all the Sonic characters, second to guy himself, Omega is actually the one most concerned with personal freedom. This robot's fundamental tragic backstory is that he spent the first year of his life locked away in a basement, and now he's going to make it everyone's problem. Autonomy is his #1 guiding rationale. He does what he wants, he says what he wants, he kills what he wants.

He got hit with the "You are what you choose to be" thing that most fictional robots with guns strapped to them undergo, except he fully embraced being himself over being kind or moral.

. . . and this is why it bothers me so much when Omega is written as stiff and "logical" in Team Dark fics.

Shadow is the one that has the "stiff" thing covered for the entire team, since getting him to emote is like trying to unstick an industrial-grade magnet from the side of the fridge. Omega, on the contrary, is the one who challenges the status quo at all times, forcing Shadow (and to some extent Rouge) out of their comfort zones. He is the bringer of chaos! He doesn't care much about logic at all, not since he decided that his main response to every problem was calculating how many bullets he can fill it with. What most people get stuck on is the fact that he sounds like a stereotypical robot, his big words and clinical phrasing acting like camouflage to the enormous seething bundle of rage he is at all times.

And that's just the thing- Omega is proud that he's a robot. He's not going to try and talk more like a meatbag! Who do you think he is? He embraces having an extensive dictionary in his databanks, allowing him to pick the perfect word. He embraces his ability to calculate data at a rate no organic brain could hope to compare with. And oh, he's proud to flaunt both of those to show why he thinks he's right all of the time, but this doesn't mean he allows himself to be dictated by "rational logic". The only thing dictating him is himself. However, he's happy to let people assume that he is the most objective one in the room, either for his own advantage or because he thinks it's funny.

And GOSH is this robot fucking hilarious. He is absolutely the comic relief of Team Dark, but you have to understand that it's not in the way most people think. Most people write Omega being funny only in an incidental way- "haha, the killer robot doesn't understand things!" -but this kind of writing makes me see red. Look at me. Look me in the eyes. Say it with me: Omega is funny on purpose. He gets power out of making people do a double-take in his direction!! He wants to make people uncomfortable!!! He loves "owning" people!!! He wants to be the prevailing force in any social interaction, and to make people laugh is to have power over them.

And all of this, all of this, all of this, makes him a character foil to Shadow, which is why he's an essential spice when you're mixing up a fic about Team Dark. You've got the robot who knows exactly who he is in the same room as the guy who's whole narrative is about having an identity crisis. And they're both stubborn as hell about it. Omega challenges Shadow at every turn, in a way that makes Shadow reflect on his actions and who he wants to be.

Without Omega, it's only Shadow and Rouge. And don't get me wrong, these two are delightful on their own. Rouge has a dramatic streak in her, but it tends to mellow out when Shadow's around, since he himself is a very serious person. They tend to slow each other down. Remind each other to take breaks. Keep each other in check. And all of this is good! They need that kind of stabilizing effect that the other has, but sometimes this effect can bring each other to a standstill if they're not careful enough. Omega is the driving force that keeps them going, keeps them improving upon themselves, keeps them clawing their way forwards. He reminds them that at the end of the day, there's always a bigger picture (and that bigger picture is serving Eggman's head on a platter, but you get the idea. He's helping.)

Rouge supports Shadow. I agree with all the common fanon about this one, but allow me to add this- Omega helps Rouge support Shadow. He makes sure that she doesn't burn herself out by slipping into "overprotective friend" mode too often. He reminds her, sometimes harshly if necessary, that Shadow will survive despite getting triggered or angry sometimes. He tells her to take care of herself, stating "I REQUIRE MY TEAMMATES TO KEEP THEMSELVES FUNCTIONAL. I WILL NOT GO OUT OF MY WAY TO SAVE IDIOTIC SELF-SACRIFICING TEAMMATES". (And he's not lying here, not in the slightest; he relies on Rouge and Shadow to keep themselves alive. This was never even a debate. They know this. It encourages them to not be quite so reckless.)

To finish off this absolute monster of a post, let's ask ourselves one more question- what's Omega getting out of all of this, then? The simple answer is the talents of the world's best thief and the power of the hedgehog who can explode on command. And really, that's what it started with. Omega didn't get assigned on a team with these two hoping to make friends. The "friends" part didn't come along until later, much later, and even he's not sure how quite to handle it.

I received a lovely ask earlier from the person who provided this ask to me, which my fat butterfingers managed to delete from my inbox before I could answer, but I do remember one very specific idea that they suggested- Omega never pretended to be nice. It'd be weirder for Rouge and Shadow if he ever did. He was always transparent about how he considered them means to an end when it came to seeing his objectives complete. In order to utilize these means most effectively, he needed to maintain them. This meant learning more about them to ensure that they functioned at optimum capacity.

"Friendship" began with making sure they got enough sleep and that they ate their meals on time. Then came investigation into emotional damage, spurred no doubt by one of Shadow's panic attacks. Soon enough, Omega is learning everything about these meatbags, and in the process, he's. . . learning about what it feels like to be treated as a person?

Because there was never any mistake in Omega's processor about the fact that he's a person. He came to that conclusion long before Shadow and Rouge entered the picture. But he'd never been treated like one before. Hell, he hadn't even seen how a person was supposed to be treated by the world before he met those two. Now he's in a position where he's being treated with respect for the first time by these two meatbags while at the same time being able to observe how the rest of the world doesn't extend that same courtesy. He drew conclusions very quickly- in order to keep being respected by these two, he'd have to reciprocate their engagements and respect them back. One thing leads to another and now he finds that his attachment runs deeper than considering them mere "assets". He still doesn't quite know how to handle this, which is why, when pressed, he'll tend to stick to denial about it.

(There's definitely a "five times Omega denied that he cared and then the one time he admitted it" fic to be written about this, if you know what I mean.)

So, in a very stereotypical robot sense, he does learn about friendship and emotion and personhood and all that from Rouge and Shadow. But he's VERY closeted about it, as he'd rather deactivate than admit that he didn't, in fact, have everything figured out about himself since day one.

There is no Team Dark without Omega. But also, there is no Omega without Team Dark. Rouge and Shadow have been fundamental influences on him. People who write Omega as not having changed in demeanor much at all from other Badniks are so off the mark about this. To be loved is to be changed- and this robot is loved by his friends, and he loves them back in his own way!!!

[strangeswift]

I personally don't think Mike's lying in his monologue too.

I however think that a monologue based on someone else's lie and monologue can be genuine, that alone cancels out Mike's monologue and its genuinity as Mike's saying his monologue while having a fake version of El in his mind which is basically Will. And it's also a common romance trope that is used in fiction tbh.

I just think it is kind of f-cked up for El though. I am not sure if many people thought about this, but if Byler is endgame.... then that whole thing is kinda messed up for El's character. Because the only real time when her boyfriend confessed to him is because her brother pushed him to do it, and if it weren't for Will's lie it wouldn't have even happened that way. That is objectively fucked up for El if I am being honest. I am a Byler shipper but I gotta acknowledge the way the writers messed things up there. This is the part I am most disturbed and worried about, because they can resolve Byler angst by just pointing out the obvious that... Mike basically 'fell in love' with Will's words from the van and basically fell for a fake version of El which is Will. But how are they gonna solve the messed up situation that El literally was told she's loved by her boyfriend the first time ever only because of Will's lie? That is more fucked up tbh. How are they gonna solve that?

Hi anon! I'm gonna break this down and give my thoughts.

"I however think that a monologue based on someone else's lie and monologue can be genuine, that alone cancels out Mike's monologue and its genuinity as Mike's saying his monologue while having a fake version of El in his mind which is basically Will. And it's also a common romance trope that is used in fiction tbh."

...

"Mike basically 'fell in love' with Will's words from the van and basically fell for a fake version of El which is Will."

I'm not saying you're absolutely incorrect, because as I said I don't think anyone (myself included!!) really knows what's going on in Mike's head. And you're right, that is a common romance trope, though if that was the trope the Duffers were going for it would be a lot more complicated in this situation than in others I've seen.

However, I personally don't think Mike is "falling in love" with a fake version of El. I think he feels needed by a fake version of El, and he's confusing that with having romantic feelings, especially because he thinks he's supposed to have romantic feelings for El. (Here's my post on what I think is going on in Mike's head during the monolgue.)

"I just think it is kind of f-cked up for El though. I am not sure if many people thought about this, but if Byler is endgame.... then that whole thing is kinda messed up for El's character. Because the only real time when her boyfriend confessed to him is because her brother pushed him to do it, and if it weren't for Will's lie it wouldn't have even happened that way. That is objectively fucked up for El if I am being honest. I am a Byler shipper but I gotta acknowledge the way the writers messed things up there."

...

"But how are they gonna solve the messed up situation that El literally was told she's loved by her boyfriend the first time ever only because of Will's lie? That is more fucked up tbh. How are they gonna solve that?"

Yes, El is inevitably going to be hurt. And I'm going to be screaming at Michael Wheeler through my television screen for hurting her, even though I know it wasn't on purpose.

However.

I would probably agree with you if Mike and El otherwise had a good relationship. As it stands, they do not. Their dynamic has never been healthy, it's always been codependent and lacking in communication.

A wise glock (@nancysglock) once said, "El has been lying to Mike for months. They’re both actively hurting each other in this relationship. I don’t think that the writers need to course correct for that because El isn’t a victim in this."

El's not stupid, and neither is Mike. Their relationship has been rocky all throughout seasons three and four, and they're not oblivious to that. I don't think either of them would be completely blindsided by a breakup honestly.

(Let's also not discount the possibility that El breaks up with Mike because she realizes that their relationship isn't healthy and/or she realizes she needs to focus on herself. But yes, either way the breakup will suck, breakups always do.)

Lastly, just remember that El is also not going to be told, "I don't love you." She's going to he told, "I love you so much, I just don't love you like that." And remember that El is a lot stronger and more resilient than people like to give her credit for.

[mysmegrace]

Hii! Could I request “why is it so hard for you to believe me?” “I love you” prompts with Jumin, Zen and Saeran? Thank you!

hello~ omg anon you are giving me too much fun with these prompts lmao. i’ve decided to split them up in a fanfic style. i’ll post jumin’s here, then later zen’s and saeran’s. i’ll leave the links to them here once they become released but i’ll also have the links in my masterlist. have a great day!

summary: jumin comes across a text notification that flashes on mc’s phone. being curious, he reads it. things don’t add up to him and he accuses mc of cheating. mc is heartbroken, as the text was nothing more than a friendly conversation between cousins. it’s only until later does jumin realize his mistake.

topics / tw: cheating, angst, pregnancy, death, wrongfully accused individuals, car accidents, drunk driving, definitely not spoiler free. 

words: 5.3k

*reminder: you can check out my masterlist to see which requests i am currently working on!*

just wanna put out there that the title is a lyric from shin yong woo’s (jumin’s VA) song. i plan to title saeran’s fic and zen’s fic the same way, just with different songs. here’s a link to the song if you’re interested.

Sad Endings Stay Sad

---

october 5th marked the birth of one of south koreas brilliant billionaires. and of course, there were ups and downs to that kind of life. living the rich lifestyle while working your life away for your young years. however, birthdays were supposed to be exemptions for the hectic ways of that life for just a day.

jumins birthdays consisted of four main concepts. birthday presents from people he’s only spoken to once, being met with “happy birthdays” whenever you turned the corner, parties being held in his honor (four-to be exact), and his favourite part, time spent with you and elizabeth the third.

he could endure the day as long as you were at home, safe and secure, waiting patiently for his return. knowing that made his struggles a little more bearable. he had all he could’ve asked for in his possession, things money can’t buy.

hence why he always asked you to refrain from giving him birthday gifts. he already had everything he needed, he could buy anything should he desire it, they took up unnecessary space, and they were pointless to him.

so when he arrived home that night to pick you up alongside driver kim in order to attend the han family birthday dinner, the look of confusion on his face once he laid his eyes upon the birthday gift left for him on the kitchen table was understandable. 

had you forgotten his wishes, or were you simply teasing him? he knew his wife liked to play around from time to time. perhaps this was just another one of your silly “i love you” gifts. he decided to give you the pleasure of watching him open your gift, seeing your face light up playfully as he received a small plushie or tiny confetti canon. 

little to his knowledge, you had planned something different to gift him. something incredibly more significant that you both were expecting to happen in the near future. after five years of marriage, you were excited to be sharing this news with him.

facing the mirror, you had heard the door open and close, signaling his arrival. meanwhile you were still getting ready for the dinner. so you allowed him a couple minutes to himself, taking in the foreign object greeting him.

with the last flick of mascara, you reached for the door handle, preparing how to answer the questions he was bound to ask. walking out to greet your husband as you weakly closed the door behind you, he turned his head to the sound of your heels meeting with the floor. 

giving you his typical smile, the one that made you want to melt into the expensive floor tiles, he walked to greet you as you made your entrance in the living room. his beautiful wife was always a wonderful sight to see at home.

regardless, he knew you both had a place to be and he needed to hurry the conversation up. the last thing he wanted to be was late. so he questions,

“love, i thought i told you not to gift me anything this year. having you with me is more than enough.”

a modest giggle left your lips, those beautiful lips he would kiss every morning before work. you made a small gesture to the present, telling him to open it. yet as he picked the gift up, you noticed you didn’t have the birthday card on you. you couldn’t have a birthday gift without a birthday card. everything had to be perfect. 

after all, it wasn’t everyday that you would announce you were expanding your small family. so you quickly exclaimed, “one second, i forgot something!”. he stopped, taken aback but respecting your wishes. he watched as you ran off to the bedroom, leaving your phone on the table.

as you were off scrambling through your shared drawers, he was examining his surroundings to pass time. the clock seemed to be forward by five seconds...strange. he’d deal with that later. yet suddenly the ping of your phone caught his attention.

you had a text message. he bent forward ever so slightly to read the contents of the text, not daring the move the phone from his original spot. you two trusted each other, no way would he consider this a branch of your privacy. despite that, he felt the need to read the previous messages with this person after reading what was shown on your scree.

he could feel his heart drop as he read, “okay see you then, love you”. he had never heard of this man you were texting with, but why was he texting you using that language? the language of a lover that should be reserved to coming from him towards you, not from anyone else.

and from the looks of things, you had made plans to meet this man beforehand. you had never made any mention of him yet you made plans with him? his heart was racing, he wasn’t sure if it would remain in his chest at this rate.

swiping up to investigate further, he was met with your password screen. thinking nothing of it, he inputs your password. the same one you had for years and shared with him, even when you changed it. however this time he was met with an innocent password notification.

surely this was a mis-input on his end. re-entering your password with a slower, more accurate, finger aim. the outcome was no different, “incorrect password”. why had you changed your password and why hadn’t you told him?

things were not adding up. all rational thoughts were leaving his mind as everything he had never wanted to happen might have been happening right in front of his eyes. 

meanwhile you were continuing to search for the card in the bedroom, you couldn't find it anywhere. yet your attention directed to the hallway, hearing the voice of driver kim throughout the house, yelling “you’re going to be late, hurry”.

crap, you thought. things would have to wait, on your side and jumin’s. he had no time to question you about the text, silently deciding to recluse into a reserved state for the rest of the evening, from everyone, including you.

walking out of the bedroom, you met jumin in the hallway as he picked up the umbrella sitting beside the door to shield the two of you from the downpour of rain outside. opening the door, he left, barely leaving it open for you. that was nothing like jumin. perhaps he had rushed because of the time, you thought.

through a slow car ride, you felt an overwhelming sense of awkwardness. he wasn’t acknowledging your presence, which was quite unlike him. his face just remained with the same blank expression facing forward. 

this behaviour continued all throughout dinner. only talking when expected to, turning his shoulder everytime you walked towards him, and disregarding any words you spoke to him. you knew this man like the back of your hand, there was 100% something bothering him.

what took a prick to your heart, however, was how he hadn’t told you what was on his mind yet. you understood the concept of privacy, but you had promised each other to always confide in the other through anything, so why was this time different?

who knew two hours could feel like two days as you waited for the event to come to an end. that way, you could finally confront him about the situation. it was killing you. 

in the corner of your eye, you watched as a few of the associates started to clear up the area. you could feel the breath you weren’t aware of holding release as you began thinking about the next course of action. knowing your love, he doesn’t make sense of things unless they’re said blatantly. 

finishing up with respectful goodbyes, jumin lightly signified for you to join his leave. boarding the car, nothing was changed since the car ride to the event. just the presence of jumin, driver kim, and yourself. now you had to encourage yourself to sit through another awkward car ride with your anxiety consuming you.

you found yourself at a slight ease once driver kim had pulled up to the home you and jumin shared. it wasn’t long before you found yourself alone with jumin in the comfort of the familiar walls. just as you began to get your words out, you were interrupted by your husbands deeper tone of voice.

“explain the text on your phone from earlier” he said, almost as if he were making a statement. the feeling of your jaw slightly dropping didn’t catch your attention, but it caught jumins. taken aback, you start rethinking all the texts you had received from that day. however you couldn’t come up with any results that would warrant his question being asked.

taking notice of your face, he continues, obviously not expecting a response from you anytime soon, saying “i saw the text you received earlier from a male saying he’d see you soon, even referring to you as love, what is that about?”

you couldn’t reply. you didn’t know what to say. were you really being accused of cheating right now? did his trust for you fall that much..? yet you hadn’t seen such a text. truth be told, you haven't even looked at your phone since you left to grab the card. 

your thoughts were suddenly interrupted, hearing “not to mention that you’ve changed your password to your phone and haven’t told me. haven’t we agree to rely this information to each other?”. at this point, you weren’t sure if you were in shock or dreaming. surely this wasn’t real, you would never cheat on him. the only texts that were kind of similar to what he said to have seen were the plans to meet up with your friend and close cousin.

other than that, nothing he was saying was making sense. yet how come you couldn’t respond..? you didn’t want to hurt him, but you couldn’t let him go on another minute thinking you had cheated. with your phone now in the bedroom, it wasn’t like you could walk away to check what he was speaking of from the living room.

“are you cheating on me?” he asked, clearly not wanting to waste anymore time before deciding his next move. mustering up the little willpower you had left, you mumbled back “no”, leaving space to continue, but not knowing what to continue with.

a sign escaped his lips, before they parted to speak, “you’re not very convincing. you have nothing to say for the text message and sudden password change, this is very unlike the mc i know, or used to know.” those last few words sparked something in you.

perhaps it was because of the shock of the situation or the emotional imbalance you were currently dealing with, but you started to fill with many negative emotions, more so than before. betrayal, anger, and defeat were beginning to run rampant. you knew that you could not prove your innocence to jumin in this state.

giving it a go, you start to confront his accusations, saying “i don’t know what you’re talking about. i have never, and will never, cheat on you. why don’t you believe me? i love you! how could you think so little of me? are you that insecure to think every man i talk to is someone i’m trying to persue?”

oh no, you thought. you hadn’t meant to touch on his insecurities like that. you let them slip in a fit of hurt, but didn’t think about what you were saying in detail. you felt incredibly guilty as soon as the words jumped out. maybe, a night apart would be good to calm the both of you down and think rationally. 

therefore, you followed up saying “i’m sorry, i’m going to leave for now, i can’t do this tonight”. quickly looking down as to not be swayed by any expression he makes, you nearly run to the bedroom.

pulling out the backpack you had since you were 18, you unzipped it to prepare for everything. you would only take essentials, such as your phone and some cash you had earned on your own, securing the items before turning the door.

walking out to the hall, you saw from the corner of your eye how jumin had left, leaving the area empty. yet one thing caught your eye, that being the present you had left from earlier.

not thinking about it much, you ran to grab it, shoving it in your bag as you left through the front door. in your unusual luck, no security guards were around. giving you the perfect chance to left without bringing yourself anu attention.

reaching the outdoors, you begin walking. to where, you haven’t decided yet. after all, you had a lot to think about. refocusing your mind after a few disappointing seconds, you pulled out your phone, being met with the lockscreen of jumin and elizabeth the third taking a nap together.

oh how things have changed in such a short time. looking through your notifications, a message from you cousin had crossed your eyes. “see you then, love you” it read. oh god, how would you explain that to jumin tomorrow.

 you hadn’t introduced him to your cousin yet, mainly because he lived half way across the world. the two of you had always been close however, being there for each other when your immediate families weren’t. saying “i love you” was normal, because as children the only time you would hear those words were from each other.

never have you even thought that it could be interpreted as a romantic relationship. for many reasons, the biggest being that you were biologically related and he didn’t have a romantic attraction towards women.

thinking about it, you could understand how jumin could have taken it. as for the password, you had only changed it because of the employee who had taken your phone without your knowledge correctly guessed the password, attempting to become closer with the chairman. 

coming back to your senses, you find yourself looking down the empty road with only the streetlights and moon providing you any sense of sight in the late night. you began looking for hotels nearby, coming across an affordable one for the night.

only problem being that it was 30 minutes away by car, and in your tired state you were not willingly to walk for so long. so off to booking a cab you went. finding the cheapest option, saving some money for anything you may need later, you promptly requested a ride. 

with the cab puling up 10 minutes later, you began your journey to your  residence for the night. the wind hitting your face from the open window as you were riding provided you with serenity, reminding you that you were still living in this moment.

as the minutes passed, you started noticing some questionable things about the driver. sure you weren’t an expert driver, but you were fairly certain cars weren’t supposed to be driving over the white line dividing the lanes. you weren’t oblivious to the cars unnecessary fast speed either. was this driver okay, you thought.

as time went on, you could only feel the car getting faster and faster. you tried getting the drivers attention, but to no avail. now they were driving completely in the opposite lane. only to switch over, then back, then over, then back.

you would be lying if you said you weren’t scared. you could feel your heart racing, almost like it were about to jump out of your chest, with your gut telling you something horrible was about to happen.

everything happened so fast. half way through the trip, a car driving towards the vehicle as the driver was driving in the wrong lane again, crashed into you head on. you started grabbing onto random things in the car as they flew around, just now noticing the several empty vodka bottles in the trunk. you felt yourself spinning inside the car uncontrollably.

glass had pierced through several parts of your body, deriving from the mirrors. with no warning, the car had fallen off the road, down through the wooded hill on the side.

with the driver now passed out on the stirring wheel, you were at a lost on what to do. the only option was to relax and pray you’d survive. suddenly, you shot forward in your seat as the car collided with one of the many trees. you felt a piercing pain throughout your body, yet your brain had no time to reregister where the pain was coming from as you passed out with your head on the drivers seat.

yet jumin was completely unaware of this. he had walked off to pour a glass of wine, and saw that you left not long after.

being left alone was nothing unfamiliar to him, but it became an extremely unpleasant circumstance after he had formed a relationship to you. he always thought you would be there with him 24/7, but now that wasn’t the case.

he couldn’t wrap his head around the events that just took place. of course he trusted you, but he couldn’t ignore the text. needing clarification as soon as possible, he contacted seven.

knowing his hacking abilities, he could only rely on him to give him peace of mind. he knew it wasn’t right, but he felt the circumstance was understandable enough. hence why he asked seven to hack into mc’s phone without giving him too much detail.

seven hesitantly agreed, it was her husband after all. if there were any affairs going on, though he doubted it, he deserved to know. getting to work, jumin got his results quickly. he was sent dozens of screenshots containing the conversation between her and this man. 

it was only an easy job for seven, hacking into phones was nothing for the genius. while reading through the text messages, jumin became overwhelmed with guilt.

he read as they reminisced over their childhoods, talked about what the future held, and even planning to meet each others significant others. he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. had he really driven her away because he assumed the worst of her?

the sooner he could find where she was staying, the better. apologizing was his first priority, he would answer to his work later. being wrecked with remorse, jumin sat facing the window overlooking the city, preparing for the worst as he became increasingly more drunk as time went on.

he didn’t want to live a life away from his soulmate because of one stupid mistake. the years you had spent together meant too much to be thrown away so effortlessly. calling seven back, he asked for him to track you down.

there were many ways he could go about this. he could track her phone, follow cctv footage, or go looking around himself. whichever way he choose, jumin would give him the resources possible to do so. it made his heart break thinking how you might be spending the night alone, crying to your pillow instead of him.

upon tracking your phone, as seven had chosen to do, he had to do a double take. things weren’t adding up. were you sleeping down a hill? deciding to get clarification before taking the wrong moves, he decides to follow you along cctv footage as well.

that way, he’d be able to directly see what you were up to. following along carefully, everything seemed normal. well, as normal as the situation could get. however it didn’t take him long to catch onto the drivers horrible driving. just like you had thought, he knew something bad was going to happen.

as time went on, he watched in horror as he witnessed the car getting hit, spinning off the road, smashing the windows, and ending up in the ditch as it aggressively hit a tree in the wooded area. seven hasn’t been speechless many times in his life, but he couldn’t say anything at this moment in time.

after a minute of sitting with his face close up to the monitor, he recollects himself as he dials jumins number. the reality of the situation kicks in. how would he be able to tell him that his wife had gotten in a serious car accident? one that definitely killed the driver, there would be no way in hell they would’ve survived the impact.

“jumin, she got into a car accident. she’s besides the road outside of the city. we need to call somebody” he said, his voice slightly raising as he begins to panic. his friend was in a car accident, how could he not panic? 

jumin didn’t give his mind time to process the situation before calling driver kim to take him to the scene of the accident. everything else could wait. he couldn’t find himself caring about the cheating accusations at the moment, his wife was possibly dead.

god, that broke him. his soulmate might be dead. no, she couldn’t be. she’s survived so much in her young life, a car accident wouldn’t take her that easily. but in case of the worst scenario, he needed to be prepared.

on the way to the scene, he arranged the best doctors to treat her in the nearest hospital. even if she were to end up depending on him for the rest of her life, he would be there everyday. 

he could hear the sounds of sirens as they approached the scene, increasing his anxiety more and more. practically jumping out of the car as they arrived, he laid his eyes upon a box of metal extremely crushed, what he assume to be the car.

it was horrendous. the windows were completely gone with glass everywhere, the hood was shriveled up towards where the front mirror was supposed to be, and two tires had rolled off of the car.

what was of more concern to him was his wife, who was being lifted onto a stretcher. there wasn’t much he could see over the paramedics, but what he did see wanted to make him crawl up into a ball and pretend like it never happened.

like this was all a dream. like he didn’t make her want to leave their safe home, resulting in her injuries. wasting little time, he spoke to the paramedics as they examined you. careful to not direct their attention off of you, but still asking questions.

“is my wife okay? what happened?” he asked. he knew the answer to a certain extent, but he needed someone to give him the facts. not moving an eye off of your body, a male paramedic responded “we don’t know for sure. we will give you the results at hospital once we can conduct a proper exam. what i can tell you is that she’s alive, though looks to be in critical condition. the driver has passed unfortunately”.

with all due respect, he didn’t care about the drivers life in this moment. they had almost taken your life with theirs, so why should he feel sorry? the paramedic continues “as for what happened, we’re still actively investigating but this is very likely to be a case of drunk driving due to the empty vodka bottles and the drivers blood alcohol levels.”

he had to pause and compose himself, because he nearly had a heart attack hearing that information. how could someone put their passengers life in danger like that? did they not know how special you were? perhaps the driver was lucky to be dead, because if they had survived, they would be living the rest of their life behind bars.

he would get you justice for this one day, he promised himself. with jumin being allowed to ride with you in the ambulance, he quickly hopped in as you were being loaded in. 

now he was given a clear view of your face right in front of his eyes. a face so beautiful given so many scars. the glass in your face, the bruises, the blood leaking from your head, they were all staring at him. 

he could do nothing but stare at you the entire ride. he was worried you would give up on him if he were to turn his back. the shallow breaths you took in reminding him of your living form. 

the sights around him blurred as you entered the hospital, only focused on you. he followed until a nurse told him to take a seat in the waiting room as you were rushed into surgery upon further examination.

hence why he found himself surrounded by white walls on the night after his birthday. staring straight ahead as to live fully in his head for the time being. now was when he could truly feel himself becoming tired. most likely the alcohol had worn off on him, leaving him in a haze.

3 minutes turned into 30 minutes, which turned into 1 hour, which turned into 2 hours, which turned into 3 hours. all extremely drawn out times, the only interception being the visit from the paramedics.

they had given him the things you had brought with you, many bent or broken. there laid your essentials as well as the present you have given him earlier. he could try to open the present, but it would be no use. it had already been deemed unrecognizable just by the packages damage.

exactly 200 minutes, over 3 hours, later, he was greeted by the main surgeon. mentally preparing himself for the outcome, he listens as the surgeon speaks, saying “mr. han, we tried everything we could..”

no, this wasn’t happening. he knows how this goes, but he doesn’t want to accept it. if there is a god out there, please make this be a big nightmare, he thought. yet he knows, he knows. this is real, too real.

the surgeon continues, “...unfortunately she had succumbed to her injuries. she fought until her last breath...” he blanked, being left speechless. this couldn’t be real, you can’t leave him like that. you can’t. you were supposed to grow old together.

he could feel as every structure and thing with significance fell in his life. hell, he didn’t know if he still had a life outside of you. how would he go on..? you had showed him the path to true love, accepting him like no one else ever had.

his company flourished with you present, people being grateful you were there to convince him to be a tad more human and give some laid back time. you had lightened up everyone’s life in many ways.

“...the baby unfortunately did not survive either..”

cutting off his thought process, he was now faced with confusion. the baby? what was the surgeon talking about? “what baby?” he asked.

“the baby, as in the baby you two were expecting in around 7 months?... were you not aware?” the surgeon responded. she was pregnant and hadn’t told him...? there’s no way this was actually happening. maybe they got her confused with another patient. he would know if she was pregnant, wouldn’t he?

his thoughts were cut off by the surgeon pulling up her medical records, confirming his previous statement. everything was there. he couldn’t believe, there was too much going on.

he first lost his wife and now he lost his unborn child, one he didn’t even know existed. sensing the agonizing energy in the room, the surgeon leaves with his best wishes. now left alone, he was stuck. 

he had no idea what to do. he felt like crying, could he even cry...? everything just felt so numb as he realized he was on his own again. allowing his face to drop and relax, he stared at the floor thoughtless. 

somehow his father knew and showed up at the hospital. had jumin called him? he couldn’t remember if he were honest, everything was going in one ear and out the other. he doubted if he was even seeing things right.

later, as he was invited to give his last goodbyes before her body would be taken to the morgue, he spoke to his love for the last time.

“i’m so sorry i couldn’t protect you...thank you for giving me the life i’ve always wanted. i never meant to hurt you like i did, please give me your forgiveness through the afterlife. take care of our child up there, my love for you won’t stop until my heart does. rest easy darling”.

grabbing a hold of your delicate hand for the last time, he placed a kiss as he left. letting you go like the princess you were. eventually he found himself outside your room door, standing in the narrow hallway. was this it for him? nothing else mattered to him as much as you did.

finding himself at home once again, the sun being awake at this point, everything hit him like a truck. only this time, he could feel his tears plaque his face. last night you were breathing, this morning you weren’t.

how could the universe do this to him? hadn’t he proved himself worthy enough of you? in the back of his head, he was reliving the event every second. he would never forgive himself for what he said to you the night before your death. he would blame himself for the rest of his life.

he could only hope you would have forgiven him by time he meets you again up there. the next week was nothing but a blur, the only thing he could remember was your funeral.

how you laid so beautifully down, now at eternal peace. being laid to rest with the child he never got to meet, but already loved so much. everyone said their goodbyes, as your friends wept for hours. 

finding himself at home again, he really started to hate the place. he wasn’t meant for only him. yet at the same time, he couldn’t leave. you had lived here with him for years, your mark was stick. 

as advised to do so by many, he cleared out the drawers and closet of your clothing to save in a box. one he would take with him to the grave. amongst the pile of clothes occupying the top shelf, an envelop met with his head. standing in confusion for no more than a minute, he opens it.

he could feel his eyes swell with silent tears as he read the contents of the envelope. it was a card with a picture of an ultrasound. things were making sense, you were planning to surprise him for his birthday. he couldn’t believe what he had done.

he couldn’t go on. it all hurt him too much. stopping the cleaning process, he went to lay on his bed. observing the photo of the unborn child, he couldn’t control as the tears fell, clouding his vision in seconds.

he laid there for the following evening hours, fantasizing about a life with you and the little one. wondering which parent they would’ve taken after most, innocently hoping it would’ve been you. imagining them getting married, having a happy family of there own.

but he would never experience that while on earth now that you were no longer under the sky. over time, he let fatigue overcome him, drifting off with the ultrasound photo held to his chest.

that night, he could’ve sworn it was you how had embraced him and whispered “i love you” quietly in his ear. anyone might call him crazy, or say that he’s going crazy despite his usual rational nature.

no matter what anyone else thought, he knew it was you. there was no doubting that.

---

01:32 AST - 07/28/21

[wardensantoineandevka]

Re: Fjord being written as stupid, I think a lot of that comes down to people not understanding where Fjord’s focus (ha!) is combining that with Travis’s habit of forgetting ancillary plot points or running headlong with reasonable but incorrect assumptions. So like Fjord not caring at all about the price blacksmith they met while appearing to us seen as shallow, not considering the big Uk’ would attack on the sea is seen as dumb cuz folks don’t see his thought process on screen.

Also re: fandom dummy fjord, I think it’s an ableist expanding of traits such as lack of impulse control at very dramatic moments (touching the red button) to encompass entirely his personality because those are the moments that stick out to people who aren’t obsessed with Fjord like me (and perhaps you lol). Some of the most recognizable Fjord moments to people uninterested in nuance make him appear less than smart/intellectual/deep/clever. Which I don’t agree with, but could see

I assume these are together because of the “also”, but—Same! That’s what I often think, and I agree with all that you’ve said. I’m not gonna go point by point on that, but I agree. Especially with the “reasonable but incorrect assumptions,” like, sometimes we run with the wrong conclusion, doesn’t mean we did not think about it.

(As a Travis aside, even if he forgets ancillary plot points because he’s not interested in worrying about the plot before it happens, which is so valid of him, he generally seems to have an incisive memory for EMOTIONAL beats. Listening to Travis talk about where he perceives other members of the Nein to be is always a joy—him on Caleb, self-debasement, and chaining himself to the past is one of my favorite Talks moments where someone discusses another character.)

Like, I think it’s additionally a general misunderstanding of what Fjord’s impulsivity is actually about. It’s a very Curiosity Killed The Cat quality of his. He runs into a situation where he has a question that can be possibly answered by climbing into the obviously dangerous area or touching the obviously dangerous object—and then he HATES not indulging that impulse to acquire that immediate answer. (I’ve written about this more at length here.)

Generally, I think there’s also a lot of attributing Fjord’s growth and development and working through his own story to others. I think that’s also sown a lot of perception that Fjord is not a particularly intelligent or clever soul—because the way people talk about it, there seems to be a perception that he’s been handheld a little bit through his own growth. Well, I also believe that Fjord is an almost understated character. And his character is one of much more reflection, consideration, and discipline than he’s given credit for. But that rarely is dramatic, so it gets lost.

I think it’s also that Fjord’s intelligence and cleverness is in traditionally non-academic things and in a less studious bookish manner. It’s much like Veth, who also gets a lot of short shrift about this. He learns by doing, by trial and error, by experimentation. He pokes the object for the same reason he asks very surprising questions in conversation—to see how they respond. But that’s not a very bookish way of going about learning.

Fjord also does not value people noticing he’s intelligent or clever. At times, he actually plays UP assumption that he is not as sharp as he really is, especially when navigating conversations to gather information. It’s a sharp contrast to, for example, Caleb and Beau, who do value being acknowledged as intelligent and clever by others. And I think that contributes a lot to this perception that he’s not a smart man. He slips into his tone and does the “I am but a simple sailor, and this is above me” routine, but like many other things, it’s just an act he puts on.

[salarta]

What don't you like about Lorna's characterization in X-Factor?

Thanks for asking!

I believe in transparency, so before I get into that, I want to provide a little background on the point of view I’m coming from that influences my opinions.

I was opposed to Lorna being on X-Factor when it was announced. There was already a lot of bad blood and history for me with Marvel as a result of these past few years especially. I won’t exhaustively detail all of it, but the bottom line is, I was already in a place of having a low opinion of current X-Men comics in general.

Then when it was announced she would be on X-Factor, not even as the leader but just as a team member, that immediately grated on me. She’s been buried and sidelined for so long, and now she’s not only right back on the same title yet again after 30 years - that’s a second wave fringe title - she’s not even leading it, or doing other, more meaningful things outside it simultaneously.

Then I saw the interviews by X-Factor’s writer at announcement, which immediately gave me a couple red flags. One, the writer couldn’t seem to say a single thing about Lorna besides essentially “Magneto is her dad and Havok is her ex.” Not even about trauma, of which Lorna has tons of it. Yet she had no problem acknowledging trauma as an important story point for other characters. Two, in trying to form her opinion of Lorna, she said she talked to a couple friends, one of which she said put the Lorna x Havok relationship in a “new light” for her. Meaning she was limiting her fan input just to a couple people she knows and whatever biases those two have, at the exclusion of all others.

That’s my background. Before a single issue dropped. Now let’s get to the things I have problems with since it’s started getting published.

And I do welcome people correcting me if I’m incorrect about details of the book. Being wrong happens. The only true path toward a better future for Lorna is honest assessment.

My biggest problem with X-Factor’s characterization, as a whole, is that it completely disregards important parts of her history in the way she should think and act, and instead treats her like a blank slate.

This is clearest in X-Factor #4, the issue during X of Swords where Rockslide dies. Lorna is a survivor of the Genoshan genocide. We saw how deeply that wounded her. We outright saw her experience of being hailed as a sovereign princess by the people of Genosha, followed by those same people begging Lorna, specifically, to save them. Only for Lorna to be unable to do so, and unable to handle all the death and carnage and pain around her (note these pages are in order of her experiences, not publication order).

After the Genoshan genocide, we saw how not only did she survive this, she had those moments replaying constantly in her head and all around her until the other X-Men dug her out of Genosha’s ruins.

She suffered immensely from what happened to her. So much. But by the end, after dealing with the strain and trauma for so much time, she started to settle into a role from that experience somewhere in between Xavier and Magneto - which is extremely appropriate, considering her very first appearance in comics was all about her struggling between the “good of the X-Men” and the “evil of her father’s blood flowing through her veins” (as it was incredibly simplistic at the time).

This is the Lorna that came out of her hardships with Genosha. The one who felt the weight of those deaths and took them on to a point of being ready to fight for mutant rights.

In spite of this, Marvel has been ignoring the Genoshan genocide concerning Lorna’s history for 15 years now. Refusing to acknowledge it at all, as they let Jean fight Cassandra Nova on its ruins, and let Storm act outraged about its dead, and let Axis exploit it for Red Skull while Lorna’s written as off doing something completely unrelated.

The problem noted in the paragraph above is not X-Factor’s problem alone. It’s a running problem across all of Marvel.

But where X-Factor differs and is far, far worse is that X-Factor #4 not only completely ignored this event in her history. It had her behave as if she had no concept whatsoever of death and loss, had never received the development she did from the Genoshan genocide.

For over 15 years, Lorna’s been wiped from the Genosha story even though she went through the genocide and had served at Magneto’s side (before learning she was his daughter after all) during his rule. Not once in any of that time did Marvel allow the deaths of millions crying for her specifically to save them to impact their treatment of her. It’s been as if she suddenly no longer gives a damn about them.

But one mutant she doesn’t know at all dies nearby and she has a complete breakdown, running around unable to figure out what to do with herself, getting yelled at by her father to make the prophecies come out and later on wishing she could just disappear and stop being a part of anything at all?

That is not Lorna. Or rather, maybe it could count as Lorna from the 90s before Genosha ever happened. But it is absolutely not post-Genosha Lorna, the woman who endured the pain of millions dying all around her and came out of it a woman ready to fight through that pain.

Perhaps if this story acknowledged and incorporated the Genoshan genocide, did an incredibly good job justifying her behavior through that and making it all make sense, I would feel differently. But as it stands? This is an insult to everything she’s endured.

Which gets me to my other big complaints about this book. It doesn’t ACTUALLY acknowledge anything about her history at all.

This is where fans of the book will say “Oh X-Factor acknowledged Giant-Size X-Men when she built the base” and things like that. No. The book has only vaguely hinted at that history, which is very different from truly acknowledging and using it. The few times the book does this, such “acknowledgments” last for exactly one panel, and you have to be a real hardcore Lorna fan or long-time reader to have any chance whatsoever of seeing those statements as callbacks to her past. If you’re a casual reader, Lorna’s comment to Krakoa before creating the base could just as easily be read as that Lorna and Krakoa used to date and had a really bad breakup.

I’ve been asked before what would count as acknowledging her past. So here’s an example. Instead of the vague hinting with Krakoa, Lorna could’ve explicitly said something along the lines of “Hey, remember when Storm and the others helped me launch you out into space?” That would have been enough for a casual reader to know the amazing feat she did, its importance relative to current Marvel events, AND that she has a history with major known names in the franchise. 

But as written? It’s just a silly little joke of a character who’s apparently never done anything notable or interesting “before now.”

Aside from these problems, I’m not keen on what has over time appeared to be a running theme of “Lorna is stupid” on this book. It started with this simple “joke.”

An important note: this panel is out of context. It looks worse by itself, but I have since been corrected by a reader that what happened before this was Northstar trying to charge in, Lorna trying to stop him, both getting caught in this trap, followed by Rachel’s quip. And they do have a history from before X-Factor. They were on the same team, Starjammers, in the late 00s to early 10s.

If this was the only case I had, I wouldn’t be bringing it up. It’s fine taken in isolation. There’s a question of why Lorna’s the sole target of the quip when it was Northstar’s fault, and a problem that people could easily misremember this in the future as Lorna taking the blame. But a single moment is no big deal.

But then we have the scene from X-Factor #4 above where Magneto’s written as yelling at her, putting her down for not being able to get the prophecies out. Lorna even explicitly calls it a “fitting humiliation” during that story.

And then we have the most recent issue. Where Siryn outright calls Lorna dumb as the story has her act in a way that makes her being called that appropriate.

In other words, three times now, Lorna’s been presented as the object of ridicule. As a failure who isn’t able to make plans, think ahead, or handle these stresses that come her way. In essence, it’s wiping out the development she received not just from her experiences on Genosha, but also from her time as leader of All-New X-Factor. Would YOU expect this character, as presented, to be at all capable of leading her own team some day? Or of leading people in a movement, harkening back to when she was called the Queen of Mutants both post-Genosha and when she was initially revealed and Magneto was believed to be dead?

My expectations of X-Factor before it started releasing issues were low, as stated above. But as it’s been releasing issues, it’s just been confirming my worst thoughts about Marvel and how little they think of this amazing character who’s been through so much and never receives her due.

All it’s doing is exploiting her to sell the book and promote everyone else on it. That is my straightforward assessment and opinion of the book. None of the stories or moments truly address anything Lorna’s experienced. The initial story was about Aurora, setting up Northstar as the leader, and forming the team. The Mojoworld story was about Shatterstar. X-Factor #4 was about Rockslide and his death. The latest story is about Siryn.

And it’s great for all these other characters that they’re getting all this care and attention that they often don’t get. But it doesn’t have to come at Lorna’s expense. If she’s going to be on the book, it has to actually give a damn about what she’s been through and how it’s shaped her, and openly acknowledge her too often forgotten past spanning 52 years.  

I am not saying X-Factor taken as its own thing is bad. I’m not saying it treats any of the other characters bad. I’m saying it’s bad for Lorna, and she’s better off not on it even if she doesn’t get to join the new X-Men team. 

I will end off on a bit more of a positive note for people who happen to like this book. There are a couple things I do like about it.

I like the creative usage of Lorna’s powers in building the team’s base, and in having the prophecies encoded in electromagnetic signatures. Those are an excellent way to show she can be and do other things besides “bend spoons,” and she’s not just “Magneto with boobs” as far as power usage.

I also like that the book does not have a sexism problem in its treatment Lorna. Past treatment of Lorna had this problem in a big way, as demonstrated by this awful as fuck cover from X-Men Blue.

And I partly like the very last few panels of X-Factor #4, in that Lorna gets to do some public speaking among mutant colleagues. I loathe the treatment leading up to it, and I think it could’ve been much better if it followed the vein of one of the variant covers of Lorna holding up a sword in front of an army as if urging them onward to battle as a warrior queen would. But it was still better than okay.

But those few good bits do not in any way make up for the bad as I’ve seen it in this book.

[writemoment]

A Pick Me Up Pt.3 {Ending}

Writer: Ellie-Mae (Pen Name)

Part: 3/3

Previous Parts: 1 - 2

Summary: {Request @incorrect-artist} “I was wondering if you could do (maybe a series) about the reader moving to a new town and almost getting mugged but newt saves her and becomes her bodyguard but falls for her or something like that.”

Pairing: TMR Newt x Fem!Reader

Warnings/Rated: Nothing but fluff

Word Count: 2.8k

( Reader ) P.O.V.

“No.”

“Yes-”

“No!” I laugh as Thomas gives me a pitiful look. Finally giving in, I hand over the last slice of pizza with a roll of my eyes. He looks as if I’ve handed him the world on a silver platter. 

Newt walks in from the kitchen, glancing between us with a smirk playing on his lips. “I told you she likes me!” Thomas says with cheek before chomping a crescent into his slice.

“She’s inclined to be nice to you, Tommy. I wouldn’t get too excited- Y/n is awfully cunning.” He teases me with a playful wink and I wrinkle my nose in faux disgust.

Thomas shrugs and continues to eat. It’s been almost two weeks since our “dinner date”. Newt and I have gotten a lot closer- as well as me and Thomas. It’s been refreshing to have the chance to redeem myself from my first encounter with Thomas. He was completely understanding. But I didn’t start feeling better until we started hanging out.

Newt sits beside us and he’s smiling at me- a real smile. I admire the way his lips pull up to reveal his teeth. The freckles on his nose run into each other as they fight to accommodate for the bright expression. It swells my chest and brings an involuntary heat to my skin.

He reaches over to scoop my hand into his. This is new. All of it but especially the affection. I told Newt this and he let me set the pace of whatever’s between us. Even so, the action itself is comforting and I tighten my fingers in a light squeeze to acknowledge it.

I look over to Thomas and he’s watching us with a smirk on his face, some pizza sauce having left a residue on his lips. “What?” I ask, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear with my other hand.

He shakes his head, “Nothing. Don’t mind me.” The wink is an obvious sign of his teasing and a shiver runs through me. My eyes roll in his direction but I continue to lean into Newt. I know that Thomas doesn’t mind, so why bother hiding? 

Thomas stands abruptly, excusing himself as he waltzes away. My eyes travel back to Newt. He lifts our intertwined hands, giving it a pointed look before asking, “Is this alright?” I smile softly and offer a reassuring nod.

His thumb skims back and forth over my knuckles and I stare, transfixed, at the motion. These knuckles- the very same that were once bruised and bloodied. I continue to think about the timeline of events as we sit there in peaceful quiet.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?”

I snort, “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Very much,” He counters, relaxing into the cushions. “I want to know everything about you.”

When I look up, I study the sincerity in his beautiful eyes. My gaze trickles over to his blonde lashes. I admire the way they flutter ever-so gently against his cheeks as he looks at me doe-eyed. “So much has changed since I met you that night in the city.”

He continues to give his comforting touch but he’s focused on my mouth- the words falling from my lips. “When I came to Glade, I was looking for a way out. A way to be something greater than I was back home. It was terrifying to think that I would never amount to some remarkable thing.

“Then I was bobbing my way through this new life and I was struggling to keep afloat. I didn’t want anyone to know how terrified I was. And then you showed up.” I smile as I remember the relief I felt at the sight of him and how I continue to feel that when I see him. “I didn’t know it then, but somehow you felt important. I didn’t realize how much you’d come to mean to me. And It's like whenever I am getting tossed about, you’re there. You’re my pick me up.”

Newt’s quiet as he digests everything I said, as if committing this moment to memory. I watch his face change and he leans into me a fraction more. I lick my lips, my heart beating against my chest. He stops halfway to me, then whispers, “Can I kiss you?”

I breathe, “Yes.”

His lips brush against mine, our breaths intermingling.

He tests the waters, pulling the soft warmth away just as fast they were there. He watches me, making sure I am okay. I lean into him this time, pressing my skin against his. And in that instant, I couldn't imagine anything more remarkable than this feeling. It's thrumming through my veins and I relish the soft grip of his hand against my cheek.

When I pull back, he doesn’t argue. He watches me with half-lidded eyes and I rake my fingers through his fringe. It’s so soft and golden between my fingers and I admire how he looks breathless.

We watch each other for a moment. Right now, this moment, everything feels right. It's as if these scattered pieces have momentarily fallen into place. Newt opens his mouth, a curve to his lips, “You were completely unexpected. Something I never could have seen coming.”

He chuckles at the thought, “You were quite literally a smack to the face. But I want you to know that you aren’t alone. I felt, to use your metaphor, like I was floating but in stagnant water. Stuck, almost. And now....” He brings my hand up to his lips, pressing a chaste kiss there, “you’ve caused a ripple.”

Newt’s words strike a chord inside me and my chest tightens. I notice a sting of wetness behind my eyes and I want to tell him how much this, how much he means to me.

But the moment is shattered by Thomas clutching his chest dramatically. “I never knew you were so poetic, man.”

As much as I love the warm cocoon that we had built on the couch, I howl in laughter. Newt starts throwing random objects at Thomas but he just chuckles. “You dumb shank!” Newt hollers right after he runs out of items within reaching proximity. 

Even though Newt seems irritated, his eyes gleam with laughter. Thomas holds his aching side as he calms his breathing down. A few giggles bubble forth from my throat despite my best efforts. Newt watches me with a grin and the softest expression washes over the rest of his features.

“As much as I love this, I have to get going before my boss calls wondering where I am.” I announce, peeling myself reluctantly from the couch. My hands run over Thomas’s dark hair, dislodging the strands in a tangle of messes as a goodbye. I sneak another soft, chaste kiss on Newt’s lips on the way out.

“What? No kiss for moi?” Thomas teases. Newt whacks him on the back of the head before tacking on an ‘I’ll call you later’ at the end. Looking at them one more time before leaving, I find my heart swelling at the sight of these two. Who knew they would be so important to my life.

****

There’s a knock on my front door and I make haste to open it up for Newt. Movie night is at my place this time because we wanted more privacy. The commentary from Tommy will not be missed tonight.

Newt, despite us hanging out more and more, looks nervous and shy as he stands at the threshold. His hair is disheveled and his worn, brown leather jacket is baggy on his lanky figure.

I make a casual gesture, ushering him inside with a coy smile. There’s a slight fluttering inside my stomach. Newt has only been inside my home twice, surprisingly. It feels intimate.

His gaze sweeps across the space, taking it in with brand new eyes. To calm myself, I step back into the kitchen to prepare snacks for our date. My ears are filled with the distracting sound of crumpling chip bags and popping kernels. I jump when Newt winds his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder.

“Okay?”

“Mhm,” I nod, relaxing a bit into his touch.

He exhales and I can hear the smile, “You’re a bit jumpy. Anything I can do to help, love?” His breath tickles my skin, causing me to erupt into a plethora of goosebumps.

“Not really,” There’s a slight catch in my voice that I’m quick to correct, “Make yourself at home.” I grasp his wrist at my waist and give it a light squeeze for emphasis. Newt responds with a chaste kiss to the back of my head before releasing me from his warmth.

With his touch no longer lingering, I take a few calming breaths. It’s odd how flustered I get around Newt. He uncovers all these varying reactions from me that I am not accustomed to. It both invigorates and baffles me.

As I’m bringing an overflowing arm-full of snacks back to the couch, I find Newt standing and staring at my wall. I dump the food onto the coffee table before calling his name softly.

His eyebrows are furrowed and he’s wearing his signature frown, “Why are all your frames empty?” Newt’s looking at me now, something curiously sad swimming in his eyes.

But he’s right.

There isn’t a single frame hung up on my wall that is occupied by a photo or a memory. They’re all bare. A colorful array of empty borders nailed upon my wall. “I just,” I walk toward him while clearing my throat, “I don’t have any memories worth hanging up- yet.”

I release an uneasy smile. Newt looks perplexed. “We’re going to make memories. I promise. You will fill these frames and have an abundance of overflow, too. You’re going to live and it’s going to be beautiful.”

The way Newt says it, as if it’s written in the stars... He gives me strength to believe in my own capabilities. He gives me courage and it means the world to me. My body moves on it’s own accord and I crash myself against his in an embrace.

I hold him to me, feeling flesh and warmth exude life beneath my fingertips. It’s somehow enough on it’s own. There’s no room for empty promises in his beating heart and I badly want it to be true. “I hope so.”

****

Brenda clutches her side as she rolls on the floor. My laugh bellows, overpowering the joining laughter. Minho and Thomas decided that it was their turn to cook for our little friend group and, not so surprisingly, burned the simplest of dishes.

Brenda holds up what was supposed to be grilled chicken but it more resembles a chunk of coal. Minho had tried to make a side salad for us but bought cabbage instead of lettuce. The poor guys tried their best before settling on just ordering takeout.

“Wait! Hold on,” I call as I wipe a tear from my eye. “Can I take a picture of you guys with your meal?” Thankfully they’re good sports and even pose with their uneatable food.

Thomas takes a very loud crunch out of his chicken and winces. “You know, once you get past the charcoal, you can really taste the Hawaiian seasoning.” This causes Brenda and Teresa to throw themselves into another fit of laughter.

I throw a look at Newt and he’s laughing just as loudly. I love seeing him so relaxed and full of joy. It’s the purest form of my boyfriend. He catches me staring and winks at me. My face flushes and I have to look away to quell the continual butterflies he gives me.

****

It’s a snowy day in Glade and we’re all acting like children. Teresa is building a snowman as Thomas, Minho and Newt are in an all-out snowball war. Brenda and I settle for laying in the fluffy snow, making snow angles as we fight against the cold seeping in.

“There was never snow this pure back home,” I comment.

Brenda hums, “You seem so different here. In a good way- don’t worry. Back then, you just seemed so unsure of yourself. We all were trying to figure out what to do with ourselves but it was as if you didn’t know who ‘yourself’ was.”

I turn my head towards her, listening. “Back home, everything seemed so polluted. You were so uncomfortable. But now- I’ve never seen you so happy. You’re as pure as the snow.”

Laughing, I roll over to hug her. “Thank you. I really couldn’t be where I am today without you, Brenda.” We sit up together, smiling.

That’s when a snowball hits the side of my neck, scattering in chunks all over the two of us. I search the location and find my boyfriend looking innocent. Too innocent. “Oh, you’ve started it now!”

His face breaks out into mischievous excitement and I holler for Teresa to join our team. Three versus three. We each claim an opponent as we zero in on them. Newt’s mine.

I chase him down in a glorious hail of snow and ice. He’s being pelted with no delay. I see him scuffle to his feet as I’m readying my next blow but he tackles me to the ground. I groan in between my laughter, his warm breath fanning my face.

“You’re a bit of a maniac, you know that?” He says breathlessly. The reddening of his cheeks and nose make his freckles stand out. There’s little droplets of snow layering his eyelashes and he looks beautiful.

I shrug the best I can underneath his weight. “Takes one to know one.”

He laughs, his eyes never leaving me. “You’re so beautiful, Y/n.” He leans down, capturing my lips between his. Suddenly my body is very warm against the cold. My chest tightens at this feeling coursing through me and when he pulls back, he puts that feeling into words.

“I love you.”

My heart is racing as I realize... “I love you, Newt.” We both grin likes fools as we shower each other in mutual love. His cold fingertips are biting against my nape as he holds me but I don’t mind.

We realize we’re still in the middle of the park with our friends in a frenzy of snowballs. He sits up and gathers snow in his palm before chucking it straight at an unknowing Minho. “What was that for, shank? Friendly fire!”

“I was converted!” Newt calls, looking down at me playfully. His lips peck mine again before pulling me up to run with him.

****

The fabric is itchy against my cheeks. I clutch tightly onto Newt’s hand and walk blindly into my own apartment. Yet I remain silent. Newt has me and if the past year has taught me anything, it’s that I trust him with my whole heart.

“Okay, are you ready?” I nod at him, excitement building up with amusement. He unfastens my blindfold to reveal his gift to me.

All the frames on my wall have been filled.

There’s pictures of us on dates. Pictures of Brenda and I at parties or hanging out at home. There’s one of the day Minho and Thomas burnt everything. Even one from the day Newt told me he loved me.

My eyes scan each one, swimming in my own memories as the pictures return them to me. Like when we went to the circus and Thomas was convinced he was destined to be a traveling carny. The picture is of him wearing a big, red nose that Pokey the clown let him borrow.

There’s tears in my eyes and laughter on my tongue. I turn and immediately run into Newt’s extended arms. “It’s amazing, Newt! Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“I promised you that you’d live and make memories. Thank you for letting me be a part of that life.” He says into my hair. 

Tears brim my eyes and I can’t help them from falling. “I love you so much, Newt. You guys are my life. My family.” And it’s true. In this past year I’ve been through so much with this group of people. It just so happens that they’re my chosen family. That means everything to me.

Newt pulls back to look at me. I watch him scan every feature on my face, looking- really looking. Having him see me this way, with all my internal walls scattered at my feet, fills me with a brand new understanding.

It’s not about where you’ve been or what you’ve gone through. It’s about who you choose to be and how you decide to live your life that matters. The things in which we can’t control is all debris. It’s about what you build with what’s left. The things you do have control over.

So as Newt watches me with soft eyes and a ghost of a smile lingering, I know that I will be okay. And when I wake up the next morning, tucked into Newt’s side on the couch, I know for certain that this is home.

**** 

Masterlist Here

A/N: Thank you for reading! I’m sorry it took so long to get this story out! Life is chaotic but I hope you guys continue to persevere! I have some cool stories in the making but they’ll be posted in my own time. Thank you for the patience and support! xx 

[mccoy-says-yalldve]

my neighbor is running heavy y machinery at 5:15 in the morning so here's my rating of a few popular star trek ships from TOS, AOS, TNG, DS9, and DISC.

Spock/Kirk

10/10 I ship it. It has a long and glorious history, and there's just so much homoeroticism in TOS. They stare at each other so freaking much. Also the hand thing. Plus, even if you don't see it as romantic, they definitely could be a queerplatonic relationship. Gene Roddenberry himself said Spock thinks they're soulmates sooooo yea.

Kirk/McCoy

10/10. While Kirk and McCoy may not have had quite the level of heart eyes that Spock/Kirk did, they vibe really well together. They've also got a great friendship in AOS, despite JJ Abrams kinda mangling everyone's character.

Spock/McCoy

9/10. It loses a point because of how often McCoy called him a hobgoblin. Their frenemies like relationship reminds me a lot of me and one of my friends.

Scotty/Uhura

7/10. I see this one mentioned a lot in fics and I just don't see it. It's a good ship, people do a good job writing it, but I personally don't ship it.

Spock/Uhura (AOS only)

4/10. I do not approve. They just. No. Why. Who's decision was this? They don't go well together in TOS so why were they together in AOS?? Also did they get together while she was his student or after? Because l have more opinions depending on the answer.

Sulu/Chekov (AOS only)

4/10. I've only seen this in AOS fics and I have objections. Chekov is 17 in the first movie and while Sulu's age is unknown, his general accepted year of birth is 2237 which would put him at about 21 during the first movie. That's only a fourish year age difference so, after the events of the first movie? I'll accept it. They've got a good vibe, I can see it. But during academy era or the events of the first movie?? Absolutely not. And guess which one I see more of.

Picard/Q

12/10 it's hilarious. It's a total enemies to lovers trope and I am here for it. I can just see like, Picard slowly warming up to Q but refusing to acknowledge that and Q slowly falling for human and at first being like wtf but then wholeheartedly accepting it and annoying the shit out of Picard with like thousands of rose bouquets.

Data/Geordi

10/10. I haven't seen this in very many fics but I've loved it in the ones I have. I've also seen a fair bit of fanart for them here on tumblr and it's honestly adorable. They would make a great couple.

Riker/Troi

10/10. They're cute. They're a canon couple I like and that doesn't happen often. They had a good arc in TNG and seemed pretty happy together in Picard.

Jadzia/Worf

9/10. I'm getting into territory I don't entirely know here cause I've only seen a few episodes of DS9 but I have seen quite a bit of content about them on tumblr and they seem like a good match. The fanart is cute at least.

Garak/Bashir

8/10. I sincerely hope I spelled those right and got the right characters. Again, I've really only seen fanart and incorrect quotes on tumblr but they seem like a good couple.

Michael/Mirror Georgiou

10/10. Definite enemies to lovers trope and while canon has been a bit shitty at addressing that, some of the fics explore the nature of their relationship so well, it's just like, amazing. There is so much potential and everything and I just love it. I love it. 10/10.

Michael/Tilly

10/10. Adorable. Freaking adorable. Tilly is adorable and she and Michael are like perfect together. Don't tell me you can't see Michael and Tilly on a date where Tilly is excitedly talking about the latest project in engineering and Michael is just listening and watching her with a soft smile. Small kisses in the turbolift on the way to work. Cuddling in their room after the alpha shift. Michael encouraging Tilly every time she feels like she can't do the command track. Just everything about them is like, yes. Make it canon, please.

Michael/Pike

7/10. Why are there so many Michael ships. Anyways. I could not see this one at all until I read a few fics with them and then rewatched a few episodes of season 2. There's definitely a dynamic there that I like, but I don't think it would last even in a timeline where they didn't have to go to the future. Pike would be going back to the Enterprise and I can't see Michael leaving Discovery for him. Long distance relationships can work, yes, but we're talking millions and millions of miles of space and they wouldn't even meet up often on shore leave because Enterprise and Discovery have entirely different missions. I like the ship, I just don't think they would easily stay together long term.

Kayla/Owo

10/10 yes. They work really well together. I haven't read many fics so I can't give an in depth analysis but I definitely ship it.

Okay that's it. I haven't seen season 3 of DISCO yet btw, so any new characters or ships, I don't know about. And these aren't all the ships I know or like by any means, just a few of the more popular ones I see on ao3 and tumblr.

[bellasredchevy]

I’m just gonna say it- Bella doesn’t have chronic depression, she’s a normal angst teen that has normal sadness caused by a trigger (Edward leaving) that turns into a depressed state but that is relieved once the trigger is removed (Edward returns) and when ppl say Bella suffered from mental illness and it should’ve been covered more by smeyer (like let’s be real, she would’ve done this terribly anyways) is detrimental to people who actually suffer from chronic mental illness there i said it

*cracks knuckles* alright let’s roll

first and foremost, i’d like to acknowledge a few things, namely, that you are right. smeyer should not have touched the topic of mental health issues. her depiction of edward and bella’s mental illness, amongst others, is incorrect, irresponsible, and even dangerous.

all of that being said, however, there is strong evidence to imply that bella suffers from at least one mental health disorder, if not the three that i’ve noticed bella meeting criteria for. let’s break it down.

the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fifth edition (also known as the dsm-v) is a manual published by the american psychiatric association and is the go-to tool for mental health professionals for the diagnosis and treatment of mental disorders in the united states. i’ll be using this as my primary source material today.

i have a bachelor’s degree in psychology, graduating the youngest in my class, and have been admitted to several clinical psychology phd programs. i am well-versed in the field of mental health, i have years of experience in field counseling and in the research of mental health disorders. i am disclosing this information because i am well-versed in theory, but not in application. i am by no means equipped to diagnose mental disorders (yet) and this should not be used for a tool of self-diagnosis. i would not recommend self-diagnosis. the following is not a formal diagnosis, just some theories i’m positing.

it’s difficult to diagnose mental disorders without a comprehensive background of the patient, including detailed childhood information and medical history. we don’t know much about bella’s behavior pre-forks, unfortunately, and this first disorder requires the persistence of behavior for at least two years. but i’d be willing to say that bella may suffer from a mild, yet persistent and chronic form of depression called dysthymia, also known as persistent depressive disorder (previously known as chronic depression, for the record). in addition to the persistent pattern of behavior for two years, at least two of the following must be present:

poor appetite or overeating

insomnia or hypersomnia

low energy/fatigue

low self-esteem

poor concentration

feelings of hopelessness

(i’ve bolded the ones i believe bella exhibits during the events of twilight.) i think bella suffers from dysthymia, specifically, because while she does not appear to suffer from severe depression, she’s often pessimistic, sees downside of things, consistently fails to recognize her own positive qualities, skips meals, and fails to consistently get a full night of sleep. but kae, you say, this can all be chalked up to teen angst. fine, i say, i see your point. let’s examine my next theory.

social anxiety disorder is a disorder marked by significant worry and stress in socal situations and requires at least six months of persistence in the following diagnostic criteria:

fear or anxiety about one or more social situation in which sufferer is exposed to possible scrutiny of others

fear of acting in a way that will reveal anxiety symptoms that will be negatively judged by others

social situations almost always cause fear and anxiety

social situations are avoided or endured with intense fear

fear/anxiety are out of proportion to actual threat

(again, bolded ones are the criteria i believe she fits.) she is terrified of her first day of school because she doesn’t like being noticed or being the center of attention, she doesn’t like gym because she knows her athletic ability will be judged, and the “threats” posed in these situations are almost entirely within bella’s mind. she keeps to herself and would not have friends if not for mike newton, who brought her into his friend group. but kae, that could be chalked up to normal teen shyness, you say. fine, i could see how all of this can be contributed to shyness. however...

post-traumatic stress disorder (or ptsd) is a disorder in which the sufferer has experienced death (real or threatened), serious injury (real or threatened, or sexual abuse (real or threatened). edward leaving bella’s life abruptly and totally, in a devestating way, could easily mimic the psychological trauma of death. in order to meet criteria

criterion a must be met,

sufferer experienced or witnessed the event firsthand

one symptom or more of criterion b must be met,

unexpected recurring, involuntary, and intrusive upsetting memories of event

repeated upsetting dreams related to event

dissociation or flashbacks related to event

strong and persistent distress upon exposure to cues related to event

strong physical reaction upon exposure to reminder of event

one symptom or more of criterion c must be met,

avoidance of thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations that remind sufferer of event

avoidance or people, places, conversations, activities, objects, or situations that remind sufferer of event

three symptoms or more from criterion d must be met,

inability to remember important aspect of event

persistent and elevated negative evaluation of self, others, and the world (i.e. ‘i am unlovable’)

elevated self-blame or blame of others about cause/consequence of event

negative emotional state

loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed

feeling detached

inability to experience positive emotions

three symptoms or more from criterion e must be met,

irritability or aggressive behavior

impulsive or self-destructive behavior

hypervigilance against danger

heightened startle response

difficulty concentrating

problems sleeping

and criteria f (symptoms last for more than a month), criterion g (symptoms bring considerable distress and/or interfere with daily functioning) and criterion h (symptoms are not due to a medical condition must be met). again, criteria met by bella is bolded.

bella more than meets the diagnostic criteria for ptsd. she has intrusive thoughts about edward leaving, dreams every night about it, plenty of flashbacks, she has to get rid of anything that reminds her of him, going to far as to claw out the stereo from her car with his bare hands, she feels physical aching in her chest as if there’s an actual hole there whenever she thinks about/is reminded of edward, thinks his abandonment of her is justified because she could never be enough for him, stops hanging out with friends and listening to music, has trouble sleeping, can’t concentrate on anything besides school, disassociates for months, and starts cliff-jumping and riding motorcycles. the stress from edward’s abrupt departure ruins her life. she undeniably suffers from ptsd. even in eclipse, when the stressful event has been supposedly remedied, she has to ask edward to stay with her and not fight because she feels as if she would die if she lost him again. bella is the textbook definition of someone who suffers from ptsd.

sorry for the long-winded response. as far as accurate representations of mental health smeyer was pretty accurate in her depiction of ptsd. mental health is something i’m passionate about and felt it was important to be thorough when going through some possible theories as to what, if any, disorders bella suffered from.

have your “i’m just gonna say it” moment and drop your unpopular opinions about twilight anonymously in my inbox

[sebthesnipe]

Baby Steps

February Prompts 2/6

Prompt List

First // Previous // Next

The February Collection on AO3

Other works by me

Prompt: Early/Echo

Ship: Intrulogical (Not that great at writing Remus but we’ll see how this goes)

WARNINGS: Mentions of knives, sweat, incorrect baby handling, and mention of starfish porn.

It started with a thimble, Patton’s Thimble to be exact, not that Logan was aware of it at the time. In fact, there was quite a lot of information Logan had no idea of at that point in time. The worst of it all was things were about to get a lot worse.

Logan sat at his desk tirelessly working away at the steady flow of information that passed through his small work area. It wasn’t much but it was his designated corner of his room where he didn’t have to worry about anything but being productive. Or so he thought…

He had been working steadily for a little over an hour when the smell of pickles, and some form of cheese he couldn’t quite place, had him glancing up. The smell wasn’t exactly unpleasant though it was quite unique in its own right.

He glanced over his shoulder, gaze searching for the source that he knew he would find there. Remus sat on the edge of the logical side’s bed, a large disturbing grin on his face as he bounced excitedly.

“Hello, Remus.” Logan greeted simply, setting down his pen and turning to give the man his utmost attention. “While I acknowledge that you are always welcome here, I do believe knocking is customary.” Logan reminded.

“Knocking is so dull, Logan.” Remus scoffed with a wave of his hand. “Besides, I have something for you!” Remus giggled with a small applause of his own.

“For me?” Logan repeated, brows furrowing in confusion. He couldn’t recall doing anything that would warrant a gift and, as much as he did care a great deal for Remus, he wasn’t so sure he felt confident that he would enjoy whatever the man had in store. “That is very kind of you Remus, but-“

“Butter on a walrus’ butt?!” Remus blurted, unable to contain himself. The darker side of creativity was obviously over excited. Whatever this was it had to be important to the man. He was usually far better at controlling his outbursts when he was calm. Logan supposed whatever was in store, he could handle.

“Quite.” Logan offered with a soft smile. “What is it that you have?” He inquired softly holding out a hand.

Remus’ excitement seemed to double as his eyes brightened at Logan’s cooperation. The strange individual began to dig in his pockets until he managed to fish out the small metal tool in question. He placed the thimble, the initial’s P.S. engraved in the side, gently in Logan’s palm before peering at him expectantly.

Logan examined the small object carefully, knowing it was probably best not to point out that it didn’t actually belong to Remus. He wasn’t afraid to admit that he wasn’t quite sure of the importance of the gesture but then again, he usually wasn’t sure of anything with Remus. It was that fact that actually made spending time with him quite enjoyable. The man was a mystery and Logan loved to learn.

“It is lovely Remus.” He reassured, making the man’s smile brighten even more. “I am afraid I have nothing for you in return.”

“That’s perfect! I like nothing!” Remus reassured before disappearing far more quickly than he usually did, leaving Logan to contemplate the interaction for a long while.

……

The next incident happened a few hours later and was slightly more unsettling.

Logan was taking his daily hour of relaxation, curling up in his oversized reading chair with an encyclopedia of astronomy in his lap. He had read the book a few times, but it was one of his favorites. By the time that Remus appeared Logan was just getting to the good part.

The strange man appeared in the center of Logan’s room, his usual flamboyantly green suit replaced by a flowing almost lime colored gown that took up almost a one-foot radius around the man. His hair was still a curled mess and he was drenched in perspiration as he hurried forward, breathless, and sank to his knees in front of the logical man.

Logan eyed him a moment. He was quite beautiful dressed in such a way, gown pooling around him as he grinned up at him. Of course, Logan found him quite attractive in his suit as well, so there was no real surprise there.

“Salutations Remus. I didn’t expect you to visit again so soon. You look stunning by the way.” Logan complimented as he set his book aside.

“Like seaweed stuck between two starfish going at it!” Remus commented confidently. Logan took the words as affirmation to his compliment. Remus always did see things in a different light, he wouldn’t be surprised if that was meant as a good thing, though very inaccurate.

“Quite. Was there something I could help you with? You look as if you have exerted yourself quite a bit.” The logical side pointed out.

Remus didn’t bother with a response however, instead he began to dig under his arm, brows furrowing in concentration. The beautifully dressed man proceeded to produce a browning apple slice from his arm pit and gleefully offered it up to Logan.

The overall level of confusion Logan had been experiencing with the other man seemed to skyrocket. Another gift, one with a meaning he was even more unsure of. He hesitated, unsure of how to respond.

“Thank you, Remus…” he offered carefully, reaching out to accept the slice. “That… is very kind of you.” he studied the slice carefully before setting it aside, still utterly at a loss.

Remus’ excited smile evaporated suddenly at Logan’s reaction. He seemed almost… disappointed; not that Logan could venture a guess as to why. However, before Logic could ask, Remus was gone as quickly as he had appeared.

……

Whatever Logan had done wrong really seemed to upset the other man. Days passed without another word from him. Of course, it wasn’t unusual for Remus to disappear for stretches of time, but something felt off. Logan was certain he had offended the man in some way or another.

It was almost a week before Remus resurfaced. This time the shower of gifts was a bit more aggressive. The first incident after Logan’s injustice was during Logan and Virgil’s weekly video game night. The entirety of the interaction with Remus was very short, very confusing and very hot.

Logan had just sat down his controller in lieu of more snacks when Remus appeared directly in his path. Not expecting the man, Logan and the other man collided sending the bowl of hot soup in his hands pitching up and covering them both in the murky liquid.

Logan pulled back at the pain while Remus seemed to just stare silently onward. By the time Logan managed to recover enough to make sure the other was alright, he was already gone, leaving Logan and a frankly distressed Virgil in his wake.

….

The next was approximately a day later when Remus appeared just long enough to shove a number of seemingly random objects into the other’s hands before disincorporating as suddenly as he had appeared.

While Logan was quite accustomed to a certain amount of puzzlement that came with associating with Remus, things were getting a bit out of hand. Something needed to be done. Logan needed to find a way to understand. However, if Remus was going to continue to disappear before Logan could get his answers, then perhaps he could settle for the next best thing.

…..

Roman pulled his door open swiftly, revealing a concerned looking Logan standing before him, arms wrapped around a rather large satchel.

“Hey Teach, fancy seeing you here.” He teased lightly. It wasn’t often that Logan ventured out of his comfort zone and headed towards the more creative side of the Thomassphere.

“I need your help.” Logan replied, getting straight to the point. “May I come in?”

Roman arched a brow at that, adding another mark to ‘All-the-things-that-are-out-of-place-with-this-picture’ list that he was already making in his head. Still, he stepped aside, motioning for the other man to enter.

Logan didn’t bother with pleasantries or small talk as he moved into the room. He was on a mission to gain some much-needed knowledge and he needed it quickly before things got worse.

“I was hoping you could assist me with these.” He informed before turning out his bag onto Roman’s bed. Out tumbled the thimble and apple slice (perfectly preserved due to Remus’ power of imagination) along with the bowl the soup had spilt from, ornate sheath, a knife from the same time period, an outrageously ornate hand-carved wooden spoon, a small fan and a hollowed stick.

Roman frowned as Logan dumped his ‘junk’ onto the man’s perfectly made bed but didn’t comment. Instead he moved to inspect the objects carefully, picking up one or another before placing it back down. For a long while he was silent before something seemed to click in his mind.

“By the Gays!” He began to laugh, the sound booming through the room. “This is rich!” He continued, Logan looking on obviously unamused.

“What is it? What are they?” He urged.

“Logan…” Roman breathed, doubling over as he continued to laugh. “You… Logic is…” He wheezed, testing Logan’s patience.

“Roman, I would appreciate it if you took this matter seriously. I am concerned for your brother’s wellbeing.” He pointed out, causing the laughing to cease immediately.

“Wait… What?” Roman mumbled, smile fading. “Remus gave you these things?”

“Yes.”

“Oh… dude…” He sighed softly before sinking down onto the edge of his bed, running a hand through his perfectly groomed hair. “That is… well… surprising… but then again it /is/ Remus.” He sided.

“Forgive me Roman, but I am afraid I am not following. What is surprising? What does this mean? Whatever it is, I fear I’ve offended your brother in some way because of it and I need to make it right.” He huffed in annoyance.

“Right… Sorry.” Roman mumbled before turning to collect one of the items. “Honestly, I’m surprised you haven’t figured it out Pocket Protector.” He teased once more before lifting the wooden spoon up to examine. “You’re being courted, wooed, pursued.” He clarified.

“Hardly.” Logan scoffed, face flushing as he glanced away.

“Just because it is not a modern version doesn’t mean it isn’t the case.” Roman pointed out. “Many cultures have many different forms of courting.” He reminded. “You should know this, Bookworm.”

“I don’t handle matters of love, that is yours and Patton’s job.” He retorted.

“Fair enough. Then listen to me when I say that this is the case.” He offered out the spoon. “This is called a Welsh Love Spoon. It is from the Early 17th century. It is supposed to be hand carved by your lover and exchanged. They still are given out now-days, but it isn’t as common as it was.” He explained as Logan accepted the spoon once more, examining it in a new light.

Warmth bloomed in his chest as he realized how much hard work Remus must have applied in order to make it for him. For Logan. It was… sweet.

“That’s probably the most PG one.” Roman explained before selecting the small fan. “That and this Victorian fan. It was used to determine if you were available or interested in a man. One wrong move and you could offend half the country.” He handed it over before collecting the stick. “Early 18th century no one was allowed to be with their suitors without parents present so lovers would use these sticks so whisper through so that their parents couldn’t hear while still remaining a distance apart that was considered ‘decent’.” He handed it over and moved on. “I assume this bowl had some kind of soup in it?”

“Yes. I believe it may have been some form of vegetable?” Logan offered, his chest tight with emotions he wasn’t quite used to feeling.

“Celery.” Roman explained. “Hot creamed celery is a main dish at Amish weddings. It was one of the only ways you knew someone was courting because they were required to keep it secret. So, you check their garden for ingredients of celery soup. That’s how you find out if someone was about to be married. As for the sheath, early 19th century, Finnish. Women would wear it in their girdle once they were of age. If they managed to catch a man’s eye the man would buy or forge a knife and present it to them. It was basically a proposal. If a woman accepted the blade they’d be engaged. If not, their knife was returned. The thimble is an early Puritan practice. They didn’t believe in wedding rings, saw them as frivolous, so they used thimbles instead.” He mumbled, examining the inscription on the small bucket. “Patton’s been looking for this you know; been going on and on about ‘sewing safety’.” He chuckled.

“And the apple slice?” Logan pressed, heart racing. He was reeling. He couldn’t believe Remus had felt this way and he hadn’t noticed!

Roman’s nose crinkled at the mention of the browning object, not bothering to touch it. “Yeah, that one definitely has Remus all over it. Literally.” He grumbled. “It is an early 19th-century Austrian ritual. Eligible women would keep an apple slice under their armpit during dances. At the end of the day they would present the slice to the person they most fancied. If the person felt the same, they would eat the slice. If they didn’t eat it then they rejected the girl.” Roman shivered in disgust. “Dodged a bullet on that one.” He teased lightly.

So that was why Remus was upset! Logan rushed to scoop all the items back into the bag, fumbling a bit in his hurry. This was bad! Remus thought Logan had rejected him! He needed to fix this!

“Whoa, slow your roll.” Roman urged, moving to stand. “Did I say something? I didn’t mean to offend.”

“No offense taken, Roman.” Logan reassured frantically as he tossed the bag over his shoulder. “Thank you for your help. I have to go.” He rushed before disappearing out the door, the creative side not even having a chance to reply.

….

Two days had passed since Logan’s conversation with Roman. He had had a lot of time to think about how to respond to the eccentric individual that was currently courting him. Time to think and time to muster his courage.

Which brought him to the darker sides’ territory. His hand rested on the knife, dangling in its sheath as it hung around his neck as he followed Virgil silently. The smaller side had questioned Logan’s mental state when he had requested guidance through the area but he had come around eventually.

“You’re on your own from here.” Virgil informed him as they stopped in front of the gate to the estate.

“Right. Thank you, Virgil.” Logan nodded.

“Don’t mention it.” He replied. “Seriously… Don’t.” Virgil tucked his hands into his pockets before pausing. “Good luck, Lo.” He mumbled before dematerializing.

Logan took a moment to breathe before heading into the courtyard. “Remus!” He called loudly. “Remus! I need to speak with-“

“Logic?! You can’t be here!” The man’s nasally and panicked voice came, causing Logan to spin on his heels. “If the others find out-“

“Remus! I fear that an apology is in order.” Logan interrupted, ignoring the concern obvious on the other’s features. It was a look Logan had never witnessed from Remus, but he didn’t have time to consider it.

“Is that…” Remus mumbled, gaze dipping to the knife around Logan’s neck, offering a slow, soft smile that was far too toothy.

“Yes.” Logan replied, glancing down at the blade in question. “I have so much to apologize for. I had no idea what you were doing.”

“You should go. You don’t belong here.” Remus urged moving forward to take Logan’s arm.

“No!” He pulled away. The action allowed him a moment to dig into his pocket and produce the withered apple slice, causing Remus to pause. “I was ignorant of the importance to you. For that, I am deeply apologetic.” In one quick movement, Logic did the most illogical thing in his existence. He shoved the slice into his mouth, swallowing it down.

Remus’ chest tightened uncomfortably at the sight. He had grown accustomed to rejection. Everywhere he turned, he was ushered away or shunned, seen as disgusting or inappropriate. Yet, the one person in the entirety of their world that everyone either feared or respected, that made everything made sense had just… had just accepted his courtship, his affection. Remus, the worst part of Thomas… Tears filled his eyes as waves of emotion began to wash through him, the sight making Logan far too aware of his inadequacy.

“I… Was that incorrect?” He asked unsure. “Roman had assured me that- Mmph!” A startled grunt escaped him as Remus pulled him into a kiss, mouth slamming against Logan’s desperately. The world around them disappeared (literally) as Logan melted into the embrace, rematerializing safely in Logan’s bedroom once more.

“Does this mean I can smash that ass of yours now?” Remus asked excitedly when he finally pulled away, leaving Logan a bit breathless.

“Perhaps, we should refrain from such large steps so quickly.” Logan replied, obviously a bit embarrassed by the lewd suggestion. “Yes, far smaller and much slower baby steps.” He nodded, as he adjusted his tie. “Also, if I may, the next time you decide to court someone, perhaps it would be best if you refrain from using early century methods?” He suggested, earning a giggle from the other man.

“We get to step on babies?!” Remus bounced excitedly.

La Fin

Reference: https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/28950/9-strange-courtship-rituals-around-world

Taglist:

@hiddendreamer67 @nightashes

[ashtray-girl]

Songs that are about Johnny Marr (probably)

THE SMITHS

The Smiths

Hand In Glove → the lyrics are about a deep friendship and Johnny himself said he thinks it’s about his relationship with Morrissey because they were “only hanging out with each other at the time”.

Meat Is Murder

I Want The One I Can’t Have → all about unrequited love. A possible reference in the title to Elizabeth Smart’s novella By Grand Central Station I Sat Down And Wept – “I want the one I want.” Also: “Meet me in the Alley” is a 1972 song by John Mars.

Well I Wonder → a desperate plea by Morrissey for someone to keep him in mind. There are several loans from By Grand Central Station... (which by the way is about a deeply emotional, doomed and unrequited love), namely: “Well I wonder, do you hear me when you sleep?” / “Is it possible he can not hear me when he lies so close, so lightly asleep?” , “My dear, my darling, do you hear me when you sleep?” “This is the fierce last stand of what I am.” This song was never performed live and Johnny said it was because they were afraid they wouldn’t be able to capture its full magic, which makes sense, but I also get the feeling that this song was particularly special to both Morrissey and Johnny, for reasons which went beyond its lyricism and music.

The Queen Is Dead

I Know It’s Over → conceived just a few months after Johnny married his girlfriend Angie while The Smiths were on tour in the US. Morrissey was Johnny’s witness. The lyrics mention a wedding and a failed relationship that “never really began” because “love is natural and real, but not for such as you and I, my love” (where “natural and real” could easily be interpreted as “straight”.)

The Boy With The Thorn In His Side → even though Morrissey said that this was a song about his tormented relationship with the music industry (that being the “thorn” in his side), in my opinion there’s also another interpretation. Just as in Well I Wonder, there are a few loans from By Grand Central Station… namely: “How can they see the love in our eyes and still they don’t believe us?” / “They intercepted our glances because of what was in our eyes.” “And if they don’t believe us now, will they ever believe us?” / “Did they see such flagrant proof and still not believe?”. These are especially relevant because they come from a point in the book in which the author is specifically talking about her love for a married man (poet George Barker) and about how they were attempting to see each other in spite of that, which caused them to get arrested while together in Arizona for “moral turpitude”.

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out → references being driven around in someone’s car. Morrissey and Johnny apparently used to go on long car rides together, Morrissey talked about how he found cars to be “erotic” and there are multiple examples of that in his lyrics (see This Charming Man, That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore etc.). Also, the lyrics are, once again, about unrequited love.

Strangeways Here We Come (the pining here was at its finest imo)

A Rush And A Push And The Land Is Ours → the title is a reference to a traditional Irish rallying call which Oscar Wilde’s mother, who wrote Irish nationalist prose and poetry, used to urge the Irish to rise up against the British army. “Some eighteen months ago” could be a reference to Oscar Wilde being sentenced to hard labor for soliciting male prostitutes. The lyrics are about the “pain and strain” of being in love despite not wanting to. Also, the way he sings “so phone me, phone me” sounds like he’s saying “f*ck me”. (I thought I was the only one who thought that, but apparently not.)

I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish → the lyrics are about going too far with someone who can’t/doesn’t want to be pushed. Another reference to “eighteen months’ hard labor”. The “Okay Stephen, do that again” at the end is aimed at producer Stephen Street, but Morrissey is also called Steven. Why was that left in the recording? Was it fully intentional? Who wants Stephen to do what again? Maybe the other person mentioned in the song doesn’t actually mind being pushed out of their comfort zone by Morrissey, they just lack the courage to seal the whole deal for whatever reason.

Girlfriend In A Coma → according to the lyrics, Morrissey doesn’t seem to like this woman, yet he feels guilty about it and doesn’t wish her ill. Could this be a reference to Angie Marr, who he sees as an obstacle between him and Johnny, despite having a good opinion of her as a person?

Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before → by now, Morrissey may have realized that he has written an awful lot about being in love with someone who doesn’t reciprocate. Also, his love for this other person must be so obvious by now, he’s said almost everything on the subject and yet he still wants to make clear that: “Nothing’s changed, I still love you, only slightly less than I used to, my love.” By now, his working relationship with Johnny was starting to deteriorate. Another interesting note is: “Oh, who said I’d lied to her because I never? I never!”. While this is grammatically incorrect, it’s also a common way of speaking in most Northern cities, so this reads like a quote that someone may have uttered at some point and this may be why, when called out on it, Morrissey said it was meant to be written that way. It’s worth pointing out how Morrissey liked to correct Johnny’s grammar in interviews and he even mentioned in his Autobiography how Johnny’s way of speaking was “shockingly bad”.

Death At One’s Elbow → the song’s title was taken from the diaries of 60s playwright Joe Orton, beaten to death with a hammer by his lover Kenneth Halliwell. Johnny’s opinion on the song was ambivalent. He stated that: “It was good sometimes to have a track that wasn’t trying to win the war like There Is A Light That Never Goes Out,” he said. "It was almost like, ‘We have the right to be slightly less intense.’ I liked Morrissey’s singing and I liked my own backing vocals” and yet, when asked by Johnny Rogan about it for his book Morrissey & Marr: The Severed Alliance, he sounded much less pleased with it, saying: “Oh God, did we really write that?”.

I Won’t Share You → widely believed by everyone to be about Morrissey’s possessive feelings towards Johnny (who not only didn’t mind, but seemed actually quite pleased about it).

Others

Wonderful Woman → It was originally titled “What Do You See In Him?” and included lyrics such as: “Cheat the Life out of me as you walk hand in hand / And I try, and I try, but I will never understand / What do you see in her?” “That she will plague you / And I will be glad / Yes, she will leave you / And I will be glad.” The final version, albeit quite different, is still about a woman who seems quite unpleasant but to whom the protagonist feels irresistibly drawn to. With the final: “When she calls me I do not walk, I run” there’s an acknowledgment of co-dependence in the relationship but, even though the first person is used, this could have been a way to write from someone else’s point of view. Specifically, the boyfriend of someone with a very domineering personality. (Basically, he’s writing from Johnny’s perspective).

Ask → the lyrics are about being too shy to make a move on someone, yet Morrissey seems to be eager to take on board whatever the other person has in mind. There’s pining and there’s the possibility of a relationship which looks promising but never amounts to anything substantial because the people involved don’t have the courage to take it any further, despite wanting to. 

These Things Take Time → mentions of a relationship which is impeded by the fact that the other person is engaged to someone else (“I’m spellbound, but a woman divides”). Johnny was already with Angie at the time. “And the hills are alive with celibate cries”. Morrissey had been talking to the press about being celibate and not really interested in romantic/sexual relationships, but the fact that the object of his desire was someone he knew he couldn’t have could have been part of the reason why he felt he had to take that stance. Also, it seems like he already felt like this relationship wouldn’t last, with the other person “leaving him behind” in the end.

Is It Really So Strange? → I’m not so sure about this one, but I’m including it because the lyrics are about traveling from North to South and about loving someone in spite of unfavorable circumstances. Also, according to Johnny (from Mozipedia): “Road trips were a big part of the group. We opted to live in Manchester most of the time but were always traveling back and forth to London. It was in cars on the motorway where myself and Morrissey did a lot of our profound talking and thinking and listening. We loved it, because we’d take off at half three in the morning back to Manchester or down to London, just razzing about. That came out in ‘Is It Really So Strange?’”. As a matter of fact, Morrissey included the track on Rank, which he compiled alone a year after the band’s demise, and I feel like every song on that record was put in that particular order for a particular reason (if you look at the tracklist it basically tells the whole story of The Smiths, from start to finish… he even included The Draize Train which he claimed he didn’t like, which is why he refused to put lyrics on it, so I can only assume he did that as a conciliatory gesture towards Johnny).

I Keep Mine Hidden → the last song The Smiths ever recorded, it is, like “I Won’t Share You”, widely believed to be a direct message from Morrissey to Johnny, who was about to leave the band. A plea for understanding, he seems to imply that for Johnny is much easier to lie (about what?) while hiding in plain sight (“But it’s so easy for you, because you let yours flail into public view”), while Morrissey is forced to keep HIS hidden. IT could be his emotions and the fact that he feels the need to repress them because of some trauma in his past (“I’m a twenty-eight digit combination to unlock, with a past where to be touched meant to be mental.”), but IT could also be a relationship. Johnny was married, while at the time Morrissey showed no public signs of being involved with anyone and had yet to relinquish his celibate image, which may have been frustrating if he was actually interested in someone but couldn’t voice it.

MORRISSEY

Viva Hate

Alsatian Cousin → literally the first sentence on the first record Morrissey released post-Smiths is: “Were you and he lovers? And would you say so if you were?”. While the rest of the song is pretty ambiguous is interesting to note that, according to Mozipedia, Johnny was, at the time, the proud owner of two Alsatian dogs.

Angel Angel Down We Go Together → Morrissey himself admitted that this song was about Johnny. He also said it’s the only song he’d written with him in mind, post-Smiths, and that it was about how sorry he felt to see him being taken advantage of by the music industry. While the full truth of this statement may be debatable, it’s still worth noting how the lyrics end with the repeated: “I love you more than life”.

Late Night, Maudlin Street → While Morrissey said that this song was about his isolating childhood during the 70s, I think the lyrics go much deeper than that. Apparently, when Johnny wanted to leave the band, Morrissey took it badly enough for people to start worrying about the fact that he might take his own life. Both Stephen Street and Grant Showbiz admitted to this, with Showbiz even spending the night at Morrissey’s house to keep an eye on him. There’s also a rumor about the fact that Morrissey actually did attempt to kill himself by baking a cake with loads of sleeping pills in it, eating it and then phoning Johnny, admitting that he loved him and asking him to come seeing him before he died, with Johnny calling an ambulance instead. (“I came home late one night, everyone had gone to bed, nobody stays up for you, I had sixteen stitches all around my head / The last bus I missed to Maudlin Street so, he drove me home in the van...”) This would also explain the lyrics: “And I know I took strange pills, but I never meant to hurt you”. If this story was true, then I feel like moving away from Maudlin Street could actually be a metaphor for committing suicide. (“Good-bye house, forever! I never stole a happy hour around here”, “I am moving house, a half-life disappears today / Every hag waves me on, secretly wishing me gone / Well, I will be soon / Oh, I will be soon.”) There are also more loans from Elizabeth Smart’s By Grand Central Station… namely: “They took you away in a police car / Dear Inspector, don’t you know? Don’t you care? Don’t you know about love?”. This part comes from the same chapter which probably inspired part of the lyrics for The Boy With The Thorn In His Side and which is about people putting themselves between a loving couple. Also, according to Mozipedia, during the making of Viva Hate, Morrissey prepared the artwork for the final Smiths single, Last Night I Dreamt… which was originally going to include an inscription on the back sleeve saying: “When I sleep with that picture beside me… I really think it’s you.”, which would explain the lyrics: “When I sleep with that framed picture of you beside my bed / Oh, it’s childish and it’s silly, but I think it’s you in my room, by the bed.” The single’s inner sleeve was also going to feature a lyric from Well I Wonder, “Please keep me in mind”, so these may very well have been messages for Johnny. Worthy of interest are also the parts about love at first sight and seeing each other with no clothes on.

Suedehead → the lyrics are about someone sticking around Morrissey even though they know it hurts him. Suedeheads were a subculture in early 1970’s England that split off from the skinheads and came to popular notice in a book by Richard Allen. Morrissey apparently read the book, but according to Len Brown’s Meetings with Morrissey interviews, the title has little to do with the subject matter of the song: M: I did happen to read the book when it came out and I was quite interested in the whole Richard Allen cult. But really I just like the word ‘suedehead’." LB: “So it’s not even based on an episode from Suedehead?” M: “No, not really.” LB: “And it’s not about anyone in particular?” M: “Yes, it is, but I’d rather not give any addresses and phone numbers at this stage. But the most interesting nugget of information comes once again from Mozipedia, which says it may be worth taking into consideration a recollection from Johnny about a period during the latter half of The Smiths’ career when he decided to ‘get a motorbike and get a suedehead’. ‘That was my mantra for a while. Gotta get a suedehead! Gotta get a suedehead!’ […] ‘I think I may have brought that word into the vernacular, I might be wrong. But that’s what I did, got myself a motorbike and a suedehead haircut. To cloud further autobiographical analysis, Morrissey also said that he has never kept a diary, even though “I make so many records that in a peculiar way that becomes like a personal diary”. And as far as the repeated “It was a good lay” at the end, he said he just made it up (which I personally doubt, but I guess we’ll never know for sure).

Break Up The Family → I feel like the title is a metaphor for The Smiths splitting up. “You say break up the family and let’s begin to live our lives”. It was Johnny who wanted to ‘take a break’ from the band, which Morrissey didn’t approve of, so this may very well be about that particular moment when Johnny told him he’d had enough. There’s yet another reference to being driven home by someone: “Hailstones, driven home in his car- no breaks? I don’t mind.” Which reminds me of There Is A Light… “And if a double-decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side it’s such a heavenly way to die.”

I Don’t Mind If You Forget Me → when Morrissey started working on Viva Hate, one of the earliest songs he was working on was called I Don’t Want Us To Finish, with Us probably being him and Johnny. It’s said the song was later scrapped, but I feel like it may actually have been turned into this one instead. In the lyrics, Morrissey is trying to convince himself that he doesn’t mind if the person he cares about the most ends up forgetting him, but clearly he does care, otherwise he wouldn’t have written an entire song about it. “The pressure to change, to move on / Was strange and very strong / So this is why I tell you / I really do understand / Bye bye”. I feel like this is another reference to Johnny’s departure, because it was him who wanted a change of direction for the band’s future, while Morrissey seemed to be happy for them to stay as they were.

Treat Me Like A Human Being → this was a demo which was abandoned and later released in 2012 on a Viva Hate reissue, taking the place as track 9 instead of The Ordinary Boys. The lyrics are a plea by Morrissey for someone to acknowledge his feelings and have some compassion for him. The reason I’m including it in this list is because of the lyric: “Leave all your hate behind you”, which could be interpreted as a reference to the fact that, after The Smiths split up, Johnny had started bad-mouthing him in the press. Worthy of interest is also: “Three words could change my life / Yet you treat me like you never care”. I wonder what those three words might be… “Stop being racist”, maybe?

Oh Well, I’ll Never Learn → Suedehead b-side, there’s not much to say about this one but I do find the lyrics “I found a fountain of youth / And I fell in / How could I ever win?” interesting, if anything because they make me think of the fact that Johnny, being four years younger than Morrissey, was the one who put The Smiths together. It’s also been mentioned how energetic he was, fully in contrast with Morrissey’s coy personality, and yet Johnny’s energy would prove infectious, providing him with an unexpected source of drive and creativity and making him feel rejuvenated, much like a fountain of youth. Also, right at the beginning it says: “Looking up at the sign / It said: PLEASE KEEP AWAY / And so in I ran” which can be read in many ways, but would make perfect sense in the context of falling in love with someone you can’t have.

Bona Drag

He Knows I’d Love To See Him → the lyrics are about Morrissey wanting to rekindle his relationship with someone he hasn’t seen for quite some time. Even though he’s never admitted to it, I feel like this has to be about Johnny because of the line: “’Cause when I lived in the arse of the world”. It’s common knowledge that Johnny was the one who first reached out to Morrissey about forming a band by showing up to his house and later, in an interview, he said that Johnny’s initiative probably saved his life. Also, the lyric: “My name still conjures up deadly deeds / And a bad taste in the mouth” could be yet another reference to the fact that The Smiths’ split-up hadn’t been exactly amicable and Johnny was talking badly about him in the press. Still, even though Morrissey makes his feelings known right from the title (he wish he could see him and still wishes him happiness), the final: “He doesn’t know” suggests that the other person is not aware of Morrissey’s magnanimity. Also, in an interview of the same period (1990), he was asked: “If Johnny phoned and asked to work with you again, what would you say?” to which he replied: “It’s no secret I would be on the next bus to his house”. So, it seems like the song might have reflected his actual feelings.

Yes, I Am Blind → the reason I’m including this is because of the lyric: “Yes, I am blind / But I do see / Evil people prosper / Over the likes of you and me, always”. Which reminds me a lot of: “And people who are weaker than you and I / they take what they want from life” from A Rush And A Push… which I think was directed to Johnny as well. Pretty interesting are also the lyrics: “Love’s young dream / I’m the one who shopped you / I’m the one who stopped you / ‘Cause in my sorry ways I love you” and: “Love’s young dream / Are you sorry for what you’re done? / Well, you’re not the only one / And in my sorry ways I love you”. This sounds like ‘Love’s young dream’ was the one who made the first move towards Morrissey but was then pushed away by the man himself, maybe because he realized this person didn’t actually love him as much as he thought. Also, that repeated: “And in my sorry ways I love you” reminds me a lot of that line in Speedway, “In my own strange way / I’ve always been true to you / In my own sick way / I’ll always stay true to you” (more on that later). This is one of those songs that has no explicit references to Johnny or to events surrounding him, but it has such a feeling of longing to it, I can’t help but think it may have been written with him in mind.

Happy Lovers At Last United → Johnny and Angie split up for a brief period back in 1983, just before The Smiths were to go on tour in the USA for the first time, but got back together once the band were back in the UK. This song talks about Morrissey helping a couple of friends reuniting and then feeling sad because he feels like they don’t want him nor need him anymore. Obviously I don’t know why or how Johnny and Angie actually got back together… according to The Severed Alliance, they had split up in the first place because Johnny had gotten closer to an ex of his and it was actually Joe Moss, the band’s first manager and Johnny’s friend, who suggested he and Angie should get married. Morrissey’s role in this whole thing, on the other hand, is never mentioned, so the only thing we can rely on are these lyrics.

Kill Uncle

Tony The Pony → This song is a pretty harsh condemnation of someone who lets himself being repeatedly taken advantage of by anyone and personally, I see it as the flipside of Angel Angel Down We Go Together. The reason being, they both deal with a similar theme, but in two completely different ways. While Angel Angel is sad but compassionate, this one is resentful and dripping with exasperation. “Just don’t say I didn’t warn you / Always nagging big brother / He’s only looking out for you”. Being older than Johnny, Morrissey was the one who tried to refrain him from doing stuff he didn’t approve of (like working with anyone who wasn’t him). “Tony the pony / So, that’s what they call you now? / When you’re free outside / So cold and hard and in control / And… there’s a free ride on Tony the pony”. Again, Johnny was the one who left the band, who wanted a change of direction and who, right after The Smiths split up, started playing with loads of different people (Bryan Ferry, Talking Heads, The Pretenders, Bernard Sumner…) and that would make any control freak (such as Morrissey undoubtedly is) very bitter very quickly. He’s basically calling Johnny a (music) slut, who anyone can try and hire for a while. “Oh, why do you always want to stop me / From doing the things in life that make me happy? / And when I’m outside with friends, laughing loudly / Why do you always want to stop me?” and immediately after: “Oh, I would never / I would never”. This reads like a dialogue, with Tony the pony first asking Morrissey why he always has to spoil his fun and Morrissey replying that he would never dream of doing such a thing. Right at the end though, the bitterness comes right through with: “I will never say I told you so / or how I knew that something bad would happen to you / I don’t want to say I told you so / oh, but Tony, I told you so!”. I wish there were more specific references (like… what did happen to Tony that was so bad?), but I feel like my initial point still stands.

The Loop → Sing Your Life b-side, the lyrics are a plea for someone to call him if he needs him. “So one day, when you’re bored / By all means call / Because you can do / But you might not get through”. I find the last line particularly interesting because it reveals that Morrissey’s professed availability has an expire date after all. As for the identity of this plea’s addressee, I’m just gonna quote Mozipedia: “The singer’s short message to an old friend telling them ‘by all means call me’ and inevitably interpreted by Smiths romantics as being directed towards Marr.” Apparently, Morrissey was especially proud of this song, even calling it his favourite at the time.

Your Arsenal

You’re Gonna Need Someone On Your Side → This is another one which I have doubts on (the lyrics are so vague they could be about anyone, really), but Verse 2 is the one I find the most interesting: “Someone kindly told me that you’d wasted eight of nine lives / Oh, give yourself a break before you break down / You’re gonna need someone on your side”. Johnny was known to be a workaholic, even compromising his own health by devoting all of his time to any project he was working on. He also mentioned how alcohol and drugs became a problem for him in the 90s, how he used them to cope with stress, and by this time he was working with Bernard Sumner on Electronic, so my guess is that they were leading quite a hectic lifestyle. Considering him and Morrissey were still not talking to each other, it would make sense for Morrissey to know what he was up to through friends they had in common and if they had told him Johnny was still working himself to the point of exhaustion, it would make sense for him to get worried about him, hence this song, which is about being supportive through concern for someone. The other interesting part is the ending: “And here I am! / Well, you don’t need to look so pleased”. It feels like Morrissey knows the other person wouldn’t necessarily want his support, even though that doesn’t stop him from providing it, hoping the other person might come around eventually.

Tomorrow → The reason I’m including it on this list is this part: “All I ask of you is one thing that you’ll never do / Would you put your arms around me? / I won’t tell anybody.” which, even though the connection is tenuous, reminds me of this bit from by Grand Central Station… “I am lonely. I cannot be a female saint. I want the one I want. He is the one I picked out from the world. I picked him out in cold deliberation. But the passion was not cold. It kindled me. It kindled the world. Love, love, give my heart ease, put your arms round me, give my heart ease. Feel the little bastard.” It could be about Johnny or it could be about someone else entirely. At this point, some time had passed since The Smiths’ demise and who knows what Morrissey had been exactly up to (and with whom)? The one thing I’m quite sure of is that, considering how much he took from it, Morrissey used By Grand Central Station… as a way to express and sublimate his conflicting feelings towards Johnny (I might make a separate, more in-depth analysis on that in the future).

Vauxhall and I (Vauxhall is both an area of London noted for its gay clubs AND a British car manufacturer, so it looks like Morrissey’s car kink is still alive and well).

Billy Budd → from Mozipedia: “Taking its title from the 1960 film Billy Budd, based upon the posthumously published novella of Moby Dick author Herman Melville, Morrissey uses the term as a playful nickname for a long-standing and long-suffering companion. As he describes, their relationship provokes public ridicule and discrimination, so much so that Morrissey comically volunteers to have his legs amputated as a sacrifice for Billy’s freedom. The elusive nature of the lyrics offers few clues as to the identity of ‘Billy Budd’ beyond the mention of ‘12 years on’. Since the song was released in 1994 (though recorded in 1993) the line was interpreted by many as a reference to Johnny Marr whom he ‘took up with’ 12 years earlier in 1982. This theory is somewhat compounded by the outrageously spooky coincidence that in 1888 Melville published a collection of poetry titled John Marr and Other Sailors. The song also includes what appears to be another fleeting citation from one of Morrissey’s favourite sources, Elizabeth Smart’s By Grand Central Station… ([‘they intercepted our glances because of] what was in our eyes’)”. There’s also an audio floating around in which Morrissey changes the lyrics from “but now it’s 12 years on” to “now it’s 15 years on” in 1997, 15 years after he met Johnny. As for the Melville references, I highly recommend you go and read his ‘John Marr’ poem in its entirety, but this is my favourite part: - I yearn as ye. But rafts that strain, Parted, shall they lock again? Twined we were, entwined, then riven, Ever to new embracements driven, Shifting gulf-weed of the main! And how if one here shift no more, Lodged by the flinging surge ashore? Nor less, as now, in eve's decline, Your shadowy fellowship is mine. Ye float around me, form and feature:-- Tattooings, ear-rings, love-locks curled;

  Speedway → from Mozipedia: “The detail that Johnny Marr once worked at a speedway in his teens is enough to satisfy some theorists that the song is a coded address to the ex-Smiths guitarist, ignoring the fact that at the time of recording Morrissey and Marr were on cordial terms”. Personally, I don’t agree with this (partial) dismissal. The fact that they were on good terms at the time doesn’t mean that everything between them had necessarily been solved. I’d like to focus on this part, specifically: “I could have mentioned your name / I could have dragged you in / Guilt by implication, by association / I’ve always been true to you / In my own strange way / I’ve always been true to you / In my own sick way / I’ll always stay true to you”. Let’s go back to Billy Budd for a moment: “I said, Billy Budd / I would happily lose both of my legs / Oh, if it meant you could be free”. Free from what, exactly? From expectations? From life itself? Looks like Johnny/Billy Budd had a secret burden weighing down on him, and now onto Speedway: “I could have mentioned your name” in regards to what? “Guilt by implication, by association” so, the burden Johnny/Billy Budd carried was also shared by Morrissey? And what could be so heinous, so scandalous as to require this eternal silent loyalty? Could it be that the relationship between Johnny and Morrissey went deeper than everyone thought or liked to admit? Could it be that they shared a bond which wasn’t just professional or even friendly, but that bordered instead on all-consuming, romantic obsession? He then says that, in his own “strange way”, he’s always been loyal to him. The way he sings it though, putting quite a bit of emphasis on these two specific words, makes me think he’s hinting to Strangeways Here We Come, which both him and Johnny claimed was their best album and also the last one they recorded together. Talking about the song, he said: “I believe in my loyalty which is as developed as possible.” So at the end, when he goes: “In my own sick way / I’ll always stay true to you” it looks like whatever happens, the secret they share is so big and important it has to stay hidden no matter what. Morrissey is reassuring him that, if it ever gets out, it won’t be because of him. “All of the rumours keeping me grounded / I never said, I never said / That they were completely unfounded.” “And all those lies, written lies, twisted lies / Well, they weren’t lies, they weren’t lies, they weren’t lies.” According to Mozipedia: “It was only a decade later that Morrissey ended all further debate by admitting, somewhat flippantly, that the lyrics were ‘probably’ just his way of winding up his detractors at the time.” We all know that Morrissey has been at the center of many a storm throughout his career, but what’s the oldest one, the one that has been the most recurring, the one most journalists seem to always come back to, in the end? His sexuality. His sexual and romantic relationships (or lack thereof). His self-admitted celibacy, right at the beginning of his career, which immediately set him apart from the rest of his colleagues and sparked instant curiosity. The vagueness, the hints, the lack of evidence. Is he gay? Bisexual? Asexual? Or really just hopeless when it comes to human connection? When they don’t have a definite answer, some people invent it, even if it’s just to make things more interesting. So, there you have it. Journalists creating rumours out of thin air just to sell a few more papers. Journalists who encourage endless speculations on the most private aspects of an individual’s life. His lyrics are dissected, his friendships scrutinised just to find that final puzzle piece, the one which will make everyone go: “Ah, finally, there it is! I knew he was!”. But more often than not, Morrissey ends up beating them at their same game. He muddies the waters, he hides his tracks. Many of the songs which people could argue are about Johnny are released as b-sides. Is this really a coincidence? To me, this song represents closure. It’s Morrissey’s way of saying: ‘Look, I know we’ve been through a lot but, no matter what, I will protect you. I won’t rat you out’. At the time, it looked like Morrissey had finally found love with Jake Walters, his driver, and I think most of this record and the stuff he wrote after is about him. But if Johnny was his first real love, then this sounds like the final vent, the definite acknowledgment of what has been, before leaving the past behind for greener pastures.

You Are The Quarry

Never Played Symphonies → B-side of Irish Blood, English Heart, the lyrics are about Morrissey laying on his metaphorical deathbed and looking at all the people who cared about him, but he’s not able to see them because he’s focused on the Never Played Symphonies of the title, which are the people he didn’t get to be with. “You were one, you meant to be one / And you jumped into my face and laughed / And kissed me on the cheek and then were gone forever… not quite”. This is a bit of a reach, but there’s a gif floating around from an old movie of The Smiths backstage in Sheffield in 1984 where Johnny and Morrissey are looking at the camera, then Johnny leans into Morrissey as if he’s about to kiss him on the cheek, but Morrissey raises his hands and points at him, stopping him. I don’t know for sure if he wrote this whole song with Johnny in mind, but that was the first thing I thought upon reading that line. Also, that final “… not quite” becomes significant if you think about their relationship post-Smiths. They spent years not talking to each other, then they made up and were on good terms for a while, then there was the whole Joyce trial and they grew distant once again. But even if Johnny has been gone from Morrissey’s life for quite some time, he has never really gone, if you know what I mean. And he probably never will be, because their shared history is impossible to ignore. The final part: “You were one, you knew you were one / And you slipped right through my fingers / No not literally but metaphorically / And now you’re all I see as the light fades.” makes me think that whatever happened between them, even if it was physical, was mostly felt on Morrissey’s part (it reminds me of that quote in his Autobiography, “It was probably nothing, but it felt like the world”). The reason I think this is about Johnny is that “you’re all I see as the light fades”, as if to say: the light has finally gone out, and now it’s just you.

World Peace Is None Of Your Business

Forgive Someone → a bonus track on the deluxe edition, it sounds like Morrissey’s been reminiscing on past grievances. “Betray you with a sword / I would slit my own throat first of all, I will”. This reminds me of Speedway’s repeated declarations of eternal loyalty. “The black peat of the hills / When I was still ill”. This has to be a reference to The Smiths’ song Still Ill, even though “the black peat of the hills” also reminds me of These Things Take Time: “… and the hills are alive with celibate cries”. It’s like he’s thinking about his late adolescence, when he was lonely and depressed, before Johnny came to save him. “And then recall if you can / How all this even began / Forgive someone”. This looks like Morrissey is asking Johnny to think about how their legacy came to be and to forgive him for any mistakes he made. “Shorts and supports and faulty shower heads / At track and field we dreamt of our beds / In the bleachers you sit with your legs spread, smiling / ‘Here’s one thing you’ll never have’”. I feel like Morrissey’s past car kink has been replaced by a runner kink, especially considering the fact he later wrote List of the Lost, in which the main characters are track runners. The final, repeated “Our truth will die with me” reminds me once again of Speedway’s ending: “In my own sick way, I’ll always stay true to you”. In conclusion, whatever happened between Johnny and him will remain between the two of them, at least until Morrissey is alive.