#for reference I could unpack any of the specific things in here in a less discourse-y manner and in more analytical depth if anyone wants

[multiplicity-positivity]

Does being multiple have to change anything about the way I live? To be honest I'm not even sure if I am genuinely multiple, or if I'm just broken apart by multiple lifelong traumas in a way unrelated to actual multiplicity, but I wonder if there's even any point to thinking about all this if I cannot even surmise the benefit of wanting to know in the first place.

To be more specific, I don't feel like I'm one singular entity... but I also don't feel like entirely different individuals either. My gender, gender presentation and sexuality all go in waves and so does seemingly my opinion of things. Things I love or dislike flip and switch in outright contradictory waves, and so does opinions on serious matters. It's not a case of information altering my perspective over time, but rather that my brain seems to interpret and process the same things differently depending on the ''headspace'' I'm in for lack of a better term. I've often thought that I must be an inherently empty person lacking any sort of truth or substance, because I don't know how else to explain regularly switching between personas who prefer different names, different presentations and who react to things differently from each other.

Had these things happened with random intervals and without discernible patterns I might not have thought deeper on it, but I can clearly trace the way I perceive parts of my identity aligning in clear and distinct patterns. I've ''named'' these personas after the gender and sexuality they are for the time being until I figure out something better.

Median system and/or parasian are the terms that feel the most fitting to describe what I feel, but I can't help but feel that what I feel is simply less real than what others feel. And since I don't know if I feel at all comfortable with other people in my life being aware of these feelings, is there any point to me figuring it all out?

I'm sorry if this isn't the point of the blog, feel free to ignore this ask if that's the case. I haven't been able to find answers on here or Reddit or elsewhere and I don't know how to really unpack all this by myself.

hey there. we don’t mind these sorts of questions at all and are happy to try and help you understand what you’re going through a bit better.

to answer your first question, no, being multiple doesn’t have to change anything at all about the way you live. you can still be plural and use i/me pronouns, you can still present as a singlet in your daily life, and you are not obligated to clue anyone else in to your multiplicity if you don’t want to. all that is necessary for being multiple is identifying as more than one. that’s it. so as long as that plural framework is beneficial for you, you are more than welcome to use it and you belong in our community and spaces.

also, if you feel like plurality doesn’t really suit you, if you see how others might consider you multiple but you don’t want to use that label for yourself, or if you have any other reason for not wanting to label yourself as a system despite fitting a plural definition… that’s okay too. you don’t have to call yourself plural if you don’t want to, even if others might feel like you are. no one but you gets to define your own multiplicity.

however, you very well could be a median or parasian system, especially if these terms feel right for you. we know it’s easier said than done, but please try not to stress too much about your plurality being “less real” than others. every system is unique, and comparing how your system functions to how other systems’ work will inevitably cause you to notice some big differences. and that’s okay. no two systems are alike, but that shouldn’t invalidate your plurality nor the multiplicity of anyone else.

we’ll go ahead and link our post on dealing with denial in case you may find it useful:

one thing that ^ post doesn’t talk about, is plural singlets, parasian or median systems, and other systems who may blur the lines between plural and non-plural experience. so let us just say, these folks are still plural. even a little plural still counts as plural. they belong in our spaces and their multiplicity is real, without a doubt.

yes, often the plural community is filled with folks who have fully developed and separated headmates talking about our experiences. these kinds of systems tend to be the loudest in our spaces. but that does not in any way invalidate the experiences of median systems. y’all are still just as plural as we are, and the plural community literally would not be here today without the hard work and dedication of median and midcontinuum systems over the decades.

we’re sorry this got a bit long-winded, but we hope that something here can help put your mind at ease. we hope you can take your time with figuring yourself out, and try not to stress too much about how your experiences compare to others. feel free to reach out to us in the future if you have any other questions about multiplicity and plural life.

[indie-ttrpg-of-the-week]

Armour Astir Advent

https://weregazelle.itch.io/armour-astir A game about mechs fighting eachother! What else to do with a giant robot, I mean You could stand around and yell about ideology for a while, but what is this? Gundam?

Touchstones: Gundam (Turn A especially), Breath of the Wild, Escaflowne, Mazinger, Ghibli movies (add a quarter)

Genre: Mech game, PBTA, High Fantasy

What is this game?: Armour Astir: Advent is a game about mech pilots fighting against an oppressive empire, fighting using not only head to head mech combat, but also stirring dissent, using backhanded diplomacy, and guerilla tactics

How's the gameplay?: AAA has one of the most unique bits of gameplay I've ever seen in a PBTA game, refer to the Apoc World write up for the basics of the game, because there's a lot to unpack here. AAA's got a ton of standout mechanics, Let's start with Gravity Clocks! You got 3 Gravity clocks to use on anyone, and one to use specifically on your rival, Gravity clocks represent the volatile relationship you have with 4 different characters, the clock always has a value, starting at +1, that you can add to any roll related to that character, when you do so, you tick up the clock, when the clock is full, your relationship levels up, you change the nature of your relationship and that +1 becomes a +2 babyy, This encourages players to choose carefully what relationships they want their characters to focus on, and adds a lot to the Drama. AAA also has its really cool mech creation system, it's a bit too complex to get into here, but its less like Lancer's Subway style mech creation, and more like cooking from a recipe, you get to create some of your own abilities, and pick from a few pre-made ones, all mechs also have a type, which works into a weapon triangle type mechanic where certain mechs are better against other mechs. Another thing about AAA is the Faction Turn, the player's rebel group is made up of many smaller factions, each with a different role, while the empire is one group with small divisions, the idea is that while the authority is one imperialist gestalt, the rebels are more of a confederacy of farmers, local mercenaries, villagers, etc, but because of this, a lot of drama and miscommunication can happen, the Faction turn represents this, its intricacies are a bit complex to really get into, but basically during each Conflict turn, players run a scene where they instead of the big damn heroes, play as random soldiers and mooks from the individual factions, and try to fight back against imperial schemes, or try to solve local problems, this is meant to humanize the soldiers in the war, as well as show that the players aren't the last bastion against the Authority. That's about it for the gameplay, I tried to be brief but AAA is just something really really special when it comes to how it plays, there's a ton of other intricacies I couldn't even touch on here Oh right, half the playbooks don't even use mechs, they can fight during mech battles but are significantly worse during them, they're instead intended to help on the intrigue part of the war, commanders, celebrities, diplomats, footsoldiers, people who would be more connected to other parts of the war that aren't just the mech fights, during mech fights they play on the "B-Plot", basically a second narrative layer usually going on around the same time as the mech fights, think of it like a gundam episode where the main newtype child is fighting against a person who could have been a friend in another timeline and at the same time the soldiers inside the main base need to figure out who's been stealing their food supplies What's the setting (If any) like?: AAA is Setting Agnostic... kinda, there's 3 universal constants: - There's an authoritarian group known as the Authority, being fought by a union of scattered factions under one banner known as the cause - Magic exists, is fairly common place but restricted to certain people, and is connected to how mechs work - Some smaller chunks of lore like the existance of Angels, Demons, Eldritch entities, smaller scale vehicles called Ardents, etc, stuff you'd expect to see in any fantasy setting

What's the tone?: AAA is a game with a tone set by players, but the overall tone is not asimilar to that of most post Gundam mech anime, there's an overwhelming sense of war being hell, but there's still hope in fighting an evil fascist empire, also there's always expected to be a little bit of Angst

Session length: This is one of the few games I've written about I've actually sadly never played, but from reading the rules AAA does lend itself to longer, 4 or so hour sessions

Number of Players: 4+ is recommended

Malleability:  AAA is as said above, setting agnostic, if its got mechs you can run it in AAA

Resources: AAA has a fanmade google sheet, a few fan-made expansions, and two official expansions, Encore (more playbooks) and Amor Astir (romance rules, yeah idk either)

AAA is one of those games that is just a mechanical treat, everything works really well and serves a greater tonal purpose, just a really good game

[idontmindifuforgetme]

i saw ur post on how there isnt rlly a big arab figure, and wow like. i think that if i had been younger and saw just one or two arab people on tv in a positive way, it would have helped me a LOT. like yeah. There ISNT a big singer or character or actor or model that’s arab. And now im sitting here wondering how many kids are going to be sitting and watching tv and just blocking out their arab heritage and culture because then they wouldnt be like their favorite singer or wtver.

Exactly. Exactly exactly exactly. I’ve full chest said this before, but I wasn’t always as attached to my Arab heritage as I am now. I actually grew up pretty distant from it all around, and it’s only in recent years that I started making a concerted effort to delve into it. And I can’t even blame it on my mom tbh, like I grew up in a lax household that allowed for ample self-expression. It was always the outside world that would make a little Arab girl like me question the worth of her ethnic roots—especially when Arabs are painted as terrorists at worst and as monocultural heathens at best where I’m from (hint: the USA). There is so much to unpack w being raised American but being ethnically Iraqi!! Because that means I literally hail from two countries!! A country that’s thirsty and a country that’s on fire!! But that’s a whole other loaded topic I could write a separate dissertation on.

I’d always have toxic thought loops like “I don’t look Arab enough” “I’m not religious but all the Arab girls I know are Muslim” on and on and on. And like I said in that ask, there was never an Arab American A lister for me to kind of have a frame of reference w. This is specifically an Arab issue too I feel like, bc a lot of brown people do have that star-studded figure to look up to growing up. We do not.

It’s kind of why I decided to be that for myself. I don’t need a cool Arab girl celebrity who’s into fashion or music. I’ll be that. I don’t need an Arab academia girl character. I’ll be that too. There’s no such thing as not looking Arab enough bc Arabs are so diverse. It’s okay that I’m not religious bc Arab culture is not solely defined by religion, and even if it were Arabs are not a hive mind and everyone engages w their culture in vastly different ways (which is okay!! It doesn’t make me any less Arab). I’ll literally just discard other people’s preconceived notions and trailblaze my own path!! I’ll be my own Arab girl representation. I refuse to fit myself into any preexisting mold. I like what I like and the rest just falls into place.

I think that’s why I’ve been so vocal about my Iraqi heritage lately… I’m literally healing my relationship w my roots in real time. Even advocating for Palestine is feeding into that in major ways. It’s legit all coming together for the first time in my life. Now I’m so proud to be Arab—to be Iraqi—that the idea that anyone could shame me for it is as incredulous as it is hilarious. Iraq is literally called the Cradle of Civilization & you want to make me feel BAD for being Arab… for being Iraqi… it’s just impossible bc I can’t imagine myself being anything else. I’m so content to have my multicultural background and to be who I am. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

It’s also cool that I have people following me, that they could also be exposed to diverse facets of Arab culture bc of that, but tbh a lot of this is also purely for me. I want the Iraq tag to be flooded w beautiful Iraqi poetry and beautiful Iraqi art and beautiful Iraqi cinema as I familiarize myself w Iraqi culture more and more, bc there’s so much more to it than the Iraqi War stats that pop up when you look it up on here.

I’m a 21 year old girl AND I’m Arab. That’s literally double the self-discovery to work through. Fortunately I think I’m finally cultivating a strong sense of self, so I really don’t think anything anyone has to say could deter me from my path (whether it be in terms of reconnecting w the beauty of my Arab heritage or legit just growing into my own). It’s not always perfect by any means, but I’ve made so much headway. And absolutely nothing could take away from that.

[that-cunning-witch]

How do the gods interact with you? How do you know they approve/disapprove of a particular offering or action? How does that mutual connection that a lot of people talk about manifest?

This is a huge question to unpack because it really depends based on what you're looking at. Mediterranian, Celtic, Asian, etc.

I would love to answer your question and I've been pondering for a couple days on how to answer this question. I think the best I can do for now is talk about *my* experience and *my* perspective as a Hellenic Polytheist and just keep in the back of your brain that this is not universal whatsoever.

I'm gonna go a bit out of order with your question. I'll answer your third question first, then your second question, and then finally the first one. Hope that makes sense!

In Hellenic Polytheism, the basis of maintaining relationships with the gods is referred to as kharis. While there isn't one definition as this word isn't exactly translatable in English, the best I can describe kharis is the act and upkeeping of cyclical reciprocity. You give time, worship, offering, love, etc. to the gods and they give in return. Your kharis to the gods is not built on wanting things from them but rather loving them unconditionally.

But how do you know this cycle of kharis is being maintained on the god's part? If part of kharis is maintained with offerings, how do you know they accepted the offering?

In Ancient Greece, a lot more could be done. Specifically by looking at the remains of sacrificed animals to see if they were perfect. If they were imperfect, that meant the gods didn't accept the offering. However, for several (hopefully obvious) reasons, this isn't done any more and shouldn't be done anymore. Aliakai has a great video explaining why animal/meat offerings shouldn't be done anymore. Note that this is the opinion/beliefs of some helpols, not all. Some still choose to sacrifice meat product and that's totally okay, that doesn't make them any less of a helpol! But what does this have to do with anything?

Well, if we can't figure out the god's approval that way, what can we do instead? Feel happy!

When giving an offering, if you feel happiness, an overwhelming sensation of joy, or just overall positivity, then that's the gods expressing their happiness with you. Think of the Kharites and how they're the personification of happiness and joy if that helps. However, if you don't feel anything or feel negativity about the offering, chances are that's the god(s) disapproving of the offering.

Something to note here is that feeling anxiety does not automatically mean it failed. As someone who has a big problem with always feeling anxious and wondering "am I doing the right thing?" feeling that anxiety in the back of the brain can be worrying as you begin to spiral and wonder if it all failed and if it's your fault. The answer is no. I've noticed that when I cleanse myself prior to ritual/prayer/offering, it helps my brain calm down and I'm able to shelf away my anxiety-ridden thoughts for the time being. However, I know that won't work for everyone. The best I can say is that as long as you feel happiness or joy somewhere, that's the gods approving of the offering. Once you get that message for the first time, the anxiety quickly becomes less and less with each additional offering you give to the gods over time.

We now look at the first question. How do the gods interact with you? This varies from person to person, but there are several ways they can contact you and speak with you:

Divination (ex: tarot cards, oracle cards, psephoi, etc.)

Symbols connected to the god in question appearing (sun rays filling your house despite being cloudy earlier, sudden rain or thunderstorm, spider in your room, rainbows, butterflies flying around you, etc.)

Sensing their presence via the clairsenses (clairaudience, clairvoyance, clairsentience, etc. but please make sure that you don't have any physical or mental conditions as what may be a clairsense may actually be a symptom of a larger problem)

Seeing them or their symbols in a dream

An offering or gift from them (ex: you've never worked with Athena before but you somehow pass an exam you didn't think you would pass)

This list is not exhaustive in any way!

One last thing: a lot of the time when people ask about how the gods interact with us a reason they're asking is because they want to know when a god is contacting them to work with them. Several cultures have different ideas on who should contact who first, but in Ancient Greece, humans are supposed to be the ones to contact the gods first. There are obviously exceptions, but overall, it's typically the gods that are doing the waiting.

According to Porphyry in Life of Plotinus (also referred to as The Enneads by Plotinus, but Porphyry was an editor), "Amelius was fond of sacrifices, and used to busy himself with rites of the new moon, and rites to allay fears. He once tried to get Plotinus to participate with him, but Plotinus said: 'They must come to me, not I to them.' We did not know what consideration led him to make such a grand pronouncement, and did not have the nerve to ask him."

I hope this answers your question anon! Feel free to send in another ask if needed

[lochley]

oooh ask game!! 🤡 and 🤞 please?

ty friend!

🤡 something that you wish wasn't canon lyta/byron as a couple. i love my girl so much and i unfortunately see with so much clarity why this dude was catnip to her at that point in time. if a few factors had been different, i would probably have enjoyed it as a nice toxic little ride. or if they hadn't been together as a couple and she just stayed a special follower i could feel less allergic to it, since i do at least acknowledge byron's necessity as the trigger for her going off the deep and end gluing herself to the teep cause.

BUT [insert usual byron complaints here] so i am still going to gently judge her for it and make her experience so many horrible high telepathy hangovers post-series about it.

🤞 something that you wish was canon i wish there had been more resolution to talia's story for susan's sake. i do love the control situation and i love even more that we got extra lyta time because of it. so i am glad things happened as they did mostly.

but i wish things had linked up in such a way where maybe susan stayed for season 5 and got involved with the telepath resistance and somehow someway ended up either getting more insights into the "real" talia through meeting people who knew her, or an indication in some file that control is still alive at some specific location susan could be implied to set off to, or y'know, huge toxic yuri final confrontation lol.

(and then i have to ask if getting talia back as the next step would even be a happy end now that i'm attached to control's agency struggles and susan/control, but a canon version probably would not grant us happiness anyway. and hey, susan/control/whatever's left of talia is always fun to entertain.)

anyway as with most things i can think of for this question, i am still glad it isn't canon because i think the things fandom can come up with in our head tailored to our favorite interpretations and tropes is always going to be more satisfying to us than what a canon version would have necessitated contorting itself into--be it because of the specific jms vision, medium limitations, whatever.

but any little nuggets toward more talia stuff, esp her fate, could've been neat. even just an off-handed reference in a non-canon book somewhere could've sustained me for like, 13 derivative headcanons' worth of oneshots. i mean, bester's dissection line and control's few lines about talia's existence? literally so many possibilities to unpack there as it is especially with such unreliable speakers. and maybe we did end off on just the right amount of questionability for maximum fic direction potential, but... holding out my hands like a starving little orphan: one more ambiguously planted possibility pls.

[rapifessor]

Navia Leak Analysis

Yeah I'm really into this character. So I'm going to gush about her some more, this time over the leaked details of her kit.

Base Stats

Navia has 12,650 HP, 793 DEF, 352 ATK, and 38.4% bonus CRIT DMG at level 90. Compared to other 5-Star characters, her HP is a little low (25th out of 36 characters), but she has higher than average DEF (11th out of 36) and, notably, she has the highest base ATK in the game.

Previously, Xiao held the record for highest base ATK, at 349. Navia's is only three points higher, but a new record is a new record.

Elemental Skill

This needs to be talked about in detail because there's a lot to unpack. First of all, it's a shotgun. Navia has a fucking shotgun.

It works as a payoff for triggering Crystallize reactions. When you pick up the shards, Navia gains charges, and she consumes them when she uses her skill. She can fire up to 11 projectiles, with three or more charges consumed. And if all 11 of them connect with a target, they deal double damage.

The Skill Attributes for this ability list "Rosula Shardshot Base DMG" as 671.2% at Talent level 9. On paper, this is completely insane because it sounds as if each projectile deals 671.2% ATK as damage. I did some calcs under this assumption using a hypothetical Navia build and found that she could deal upwards of 1,000,000 damage per shot.

Clearly, this isn't how it works. What's more likely is that Rosula Shardshot Base DMG refers to the total damage the shot deals, divided evenly among the number of projectiles. If this is the case, we get a much more reasonable 90,000 damage per shot.

It's impossible to discern exactly how this skill works from the description alone, which is unfortunate because it's the most important part of Navia's kit. It seems intended to do a lot of damage, at least.

Passive Talent: Undisclosed Distribution Channels

Navia's Ascension Rank 1 passive is a weird one. She gets a Geo infusion and Bonus DMG to her Normal/Charged/Plunging Attacks when she uses her skill, but it only lasts 4 seconds.

You'll have to considerably extend your field time with Navia to make use of this Passive Talent, so the question is: is it worth it? I'm hesitant to say yes.

Navia's Normal Attack is comparable to Diluc's. In other words, it's decent, but not amazing. She won't be able to compete with the output of most on-field DPS characters, and she can't trigger reactions. At best, she can drive the skills/bursts of her party members.

I think you should only make use of this if you specifically want to on-field Navia or you don't have anything better to do in your rotation during that time. Otherwise it sadly feels like a wasted slot.

Constellation

Nothing too crazy here. C1 is nice for comfort and you get 100% uptime on her burst, but I think you'll struggle to create a rotation around that. Navia can reduce enemy Geo RES with C4, which is pretty rare, but it's expensive to get to that point.

Everything else just adds a little bit of damage to her abilities. Navia doesn't have any game-changing Constellation levels, which is a good thing. This way I'm less tempted to simp for her (yes, I realize the irony in that statement).

Conclusion

That about covers Navia I'd say. I didn't talk about everything of course, just the stuff that I felt was worth mentioning. I think it's cool that we finally have a Crystallize payoff. Just having a use for an otherwise useless reaction is nice.

I love that her skill is literally a shotgun. For any game that has guns, a shotgun is my weapon of choice; they're just so satisfying to use. I don't know how HoYo managed it but Navia is seriously perfect.

So yeah, change of plans: fuck Neuvillette, he can wait. All my Primogems belong to Navia.

[ellaofoakhill]

*Cracks neck* @fishyfishyfishtimes went over a fair bit of good stuff in the notes, most notably how some fish (mostly sharks and their relatives) are viviparous (i.e. they give live birth, like mammals) or ovoviviparous, a less well known method of reproduction in which the mother retains her eggs until they hatch, sometimes feeding the young once they have by passing unfertilized eggs into the womb, birthing the young (in the case of sharks, called pups) into the wider world once they've reached an appropriate size. They also went into how many fish transition between one sex/gender once or multiple times throughout their lives, and since they did so quite thoroughly, I won't expand on that here.

In the case of most bony fish (and this is a BROAD statement with many exceptions), fertilization is external, which means the female lays unfertilized eggs (in a nest, stuck to rocks, below the high tide mark on the beach, etc.), and the male blows his load into the open water onto the eggs (Fun fact, the mermaid episode of Futurama references this directly). This has a few implications that internal fertilization doesn't, so I'll unpack that.

As the name suggests, internal fertilization is when the male passes sperm directly into the female, which she then uses to fertilize her eggs. The drawback to this--for the male--is that the female can then mate with another male, whose sperm can then compete with the first male's. There are ways to prevent this (mate-guarding, sperm competition, and the production of a plug to block the female's reproductive tract are just a few such methods), but the long and the short of it is that the male has no surefire guarantee that the internally fertilized young of any female he copulates with will be his, unless he stays with her throughout her entire receptive period, which is time he could otherwise spend doing other things, such as resting or eating. In part as a result of this, male parental care is much less common in internally fertilized species (he's less invested in providing for offspring which may or may not be his), and in terrestrial animals (barring amphibians, for reasons we'll explore below), which are all but obligated to practice internal fertilization unless they want their eggs to dry out, male and biparental care are very uncommon, especially the latter (again, there are exceptions).

External fertilization completely side-steps this issue: the female lays her eggs, the male fertilizes the eggs, and so long as he stays around to ensure no one else comes by and does the same, he has perfect knowledge that any eggs which hatch in this specific clutch are absolutely his offspring. As a result, male and biparental care are far more common in species with external fertilization. In vertebrates, this mostly covers bony fish and amphibians, and males tend to be involved far more often in these groups.

Now, you could leave it at that, if you like. Or you could get into how different species care for their young :)

In clownfish, the female (often formerly male) lays her eggs on a rock, which the male fertilizes, cleans, and guards. If she doesn't like his work, she kicks him out of the anemone, and the next male behind him in the social hierarchy takes over.

In the family including seahorses, pipefish, and sea dragons, the female attaches her eggs to the male, and he carries them until they hatch, after which he continues to care for them until they're old enough to take care of themselves. This can range from sticking them to the male's tail to actually laying them in a pouch on his belly.

This is just a quick outline, lots of other fish in the sea do lots of other crazy stuff to protect their young.

Have fun, and I hope this helps!

anyone got a special interest in fish???? i need to learn about how they mate and spawning and while i love watching random fish documentaries i would really like some specifically about the aforementioned topics

[wardensantoineandevka]

Re: Fjord being written as stupid, I think a lot of that comes down to people not understanding where Fjord’s focus (ha!) is combining that with Travis’s habit of forgetting ancillary plot points or running headlong with reasonable but incorrect assumptions. So like Fjord not caring at all about the price blacksmith they met while appearing to us seen as shallow, not considering the big Uk’ would attack on the sea is seen as dumb cuz folks don’t see his thought process on screen.

Also re: fandom dummy fjord, I think it’s an ableist expanding of traits such as lack of impulse control at very dramatic moments (touching the red button) to encompass entirely his personality because those are the moments that stick out to people who aren’t obsessed with Fjord like me (and perhaps you lol). Some of the most recognizable Fjord moments to people uninterested in nuance make him appear less than smart/intellectual/deep/clever. Which I don’t agree with, but could see

I assume these are together because of the “also”, but—Same! That’s what I often think, and I agree with all that you’ve said. I’m not gonna go point by point on that, but I agree. Especially with the “reasonable but incorrect assumptions,” like, sometimes we run with the wrong conclusion, doesn’t mean we did not think about it.

(As a Travis aside, even if he forgets ancillary plot points because he’s not interested in worrying about the plot before it happens, which is so valid of him, he generally seems to have an incisive memory for EMOTIONAL beats. Listening to Travis talk about where he perceives other members of the Nein to be is always a joy—him on Caleb, self-debasement, and chaining himself to the past is one of my favorite Talks moments where someone discusses another character.)

Like, I think it’s additionally a general misunderstanding of what Fjord’s impulsivity is actually about. It’s a very Curiosity Killed The Cat quality of his. He runs into a situation where he has a question that can be possibly answered by climbing into the obviously dangerous area or touching the obviously dangerous object—and then he HATES not indulging that impulse to acquire that immediate answer. (I’ve written about this more at length here.)

Generally, I think there’s also a lot of attributing Fjord’s growth and development and working through his own story to others. I think that’s also sown a lot of perception that Fjord is not a particularly intelligent or clever soul—because the way people talk about it, there seems to be a perception that he’s been handheld a little bit through his own growth. Well, I also believe that Fjord is an almost understated character. And his character is one of much more reflection, consideration, and discipline than he’s given credit for. But that rarely is dramatic, so it gets lost.

I think it’s also that Fjord’s intelligence and cleverness is in traditionally non-academic things and in a less studious bookish manner. It’s much like Veth, who also gets a lot of short shrift about this. He learns by doing, by trial and error, by experimentation. He pokes the object for the same reason he asks very surprising questions in conversation—to see how they respond. But that’s not a very bookish way of going about learning.

Fjord also does not value people noticing he’s intelligent or clever. At times, he actually plays UP assumption that he is not as sharp as he really is, especially when navigating conversations to gather information. It’s a sharp contrast to, for example, Caleb and Beau, who do value being acknowledged as intelligent and clever by others. And I think that contributes a lot to this perception that he’s not a smart man. He slips into his tone and does the “I am but a simple sailor, and this is above me” routine, but like many other things, it’s just an act he puts on.

[chirpsythismorning]

Lets talk about Appendix #7

I won't be the first (nor the last) to admit that I’ve only ever paid super close attention to the Russia scenes during my major s4 rewatches (like 4x total). Those just don’t tend to be the scenes I rewatch looking for Easter eggs as regularly as I do with others. Though, I can say confidently now that this will not be the case anymore.

As I’ve said recently, the scenes that come off as unnecessary filler, are likely the ones hiding something deeper underneath the surface. Otherwise, why put any time into scenes that have no importance, beyond just to fill the running time? Especially in s4 when the episodes were really long and they could have easily cut out scenes if they weren't that important to the overall plot.

The reason they do this is because they can rest comfortably knowing that a vast majority of the audience will overlook these scenes, even call them pointless and boring (and they can laugh knowing they couldn't be more wrong). A vast majority of fans felt that way about the Russia plot, but even the Cali plot had a decent amount of viewers saying they were worthless all season with no importance to the overall story. And we all know that wasn’t actually the case. And so why would that be any different for the Russia plot?

And this scene right here, which I completely forgot existed (so pardon me if someone has talked about this before, because I've never seen any discourse on it), I only just remembered existed because of the Piggyback script dropping for the Emmy's.

I just want to preface that I'm being so so serious right now when I say this scene is very incriminating for Mike. Even down to the way it ends. It’s bad.

And by bad I mean holy shit they are sick for potentially hiding the truth in plain sight.

For context, in this scene, Yuri represents Mike & let’s say Dmitri represents the skeptical majority, who have been confused by Mike’s behavior for the last two seasons.

A lot to unpack here.

But first I want to give a disclaimer that Yuri is not literally Mike, nor are ALL of Yuri’s scenes meant to be about Mike.

It just so happens that Mike has a unique trend of his POV being missing from the overarching narrative. And how they play with that sometimes, is by strategically displaying his POV through other characters.

You might think I'm crazy, but this has happened quite a bit. The most well recognized example of this would be with Hopper at the end of s3 with the letter.

A less well known example would be with Argyle in s4. Again not all the time, but there are a couple specific moments that come to mind, where it feels like they are hinting at Mike’s inner feelings, by having Argyle display things Mike cannot express to the audience yet.

I always thought it was weird they decided to put Mike and Argyle in almost identical hats in the airport scene. Though, it makes a lot more sense when you see Argyle call him a shitty knock off, only to watch the whole group walking through the airport, with Mike to the left of El and Argyle to the left of Will.

Mike may be standing beside El with them looking like a happy couple, but he’s actually distracted and hyperfocused on Will. And so how they reference that, is by placing Argyle standing close beside Will, sort of mirroring the blocking of Mike and El. In Argyle’s case, he is not putting on a fake smile, instead he looks almost emotionless about what's unfolding. The blocking there definitely feels intentional, as it could be the writers way of showing us where Mike's head is truly at, aka focused on Will.

The other major example I can think of (there's not too many from what I've seen, but these two definitely stand out) is at the end of s4 when the boys arrive at Nina to rescue El. We've talked about how the explosion behind Mike as he was looking between El and Will, is representative of the extreme mix of emotions he is feeling at that moment. But no one has ever talked about Argyle's reaction in that scene. Knowing what the explosion represents, I think we should consider what Argyle’s reaction to the explosion itself might represent as well.

First, Argyle interferes with the Milkvan reunion, standing in the frame behind Mike, with his hands on his head looking at the fire blazing with stress.

But it gets even more dramatic than that, when El and Will are hugging, that's when Argyle really starts freaking out, OH SHIT AW SHIT, pacing back and forth.

By doing stuff like this, they can hide hidden meanings. It also just makes it a whole lot easier to come up with ideas for scenes. Because when they have a big component that is underneath the surface, they can build anything around that, as opposed to coming up with a bunch of ideas fresh on the spot, without any reason for it.

Which is why, tbh whenever I hear someone say it's not that deep, when referring to basic filming techniques of playing with POV, I'm just sitting there thinking, do these people not know how much easier it is for artists, when it is that deep? It’s sooo much easier (and gratifying).

But back to this scene with Yuri and Dmitri.

Yuri seems to be doing a lot also while doing very little reminds me a lot of Mike's method of boyfriendism at the start of 4x02. He brings El flowers, he's got a whole inspired Cali fit, he's feening happiness the whole time, holding her hand and skating together. He's basically giving off this vibe that he's going above and beyond, when really, we know that despite all those little things, he's not doing the one thing El wants him to do, which is to say I love you.

This scene in the piggyback script initially stood out to me because of the word stalling. And this is because whenever I talk about Mike’s behavior in s3, but especially in s4, with him repeatedly putting off saying I love you to El numerous timed, I often use the word stalling to describe it.

In his letters, he avoids it. In the flowers, he avoids it on the note. When she confronts him during their fight, he deflects, and makes a point to struggle using the word care instead. Even when she's literally crying he still can't muster it. When she's getting taken by the cops, he still doesn't think to say it, even now when things are so bad and it might have given her at least some comfort. When they're separated Mike, gets reassurance from Will that he can just say it to her when they reunite, though Mike doesn't look too excited about saying it. Then not even a day later (during the Letter to Willy scene), Mike tells Will he didn't know what to say to El, even though we all know it only would have only required those 3 famous words... And then him and El are reuniting and he still doesn't say it. And then they're in surfer boy and they get interrupted, but tbh the lead up to it felt super disingenuous anyways, with him looking like he was about to say something out of obligation and not because he wanted to say it. And then the literal moment that she is choking, he stalls, until Will encourages him, and then even still then, they make a point to put dramatic beat right before, and only THEN is that when Mike finally says it.! (And all of that isn’t even including the stalling he does in s3).

Basically, Mike is the king of stalling, but especially in s4 and the Piggyback specifically, bc stalling is what has led to this grand moment of Mike quite literally having no option to stall anymore.

And so stalling being used in this conversation with Yuri and Dmitri instantly peaked my interest. I barely remembered the scene from the show and yet the instant I did, I just knew what was about to go down was something related to Mike, that we wouldn't otherwise get insight on bc we don't have his POV right now.

In contrast to the episode, the script has Yuri admitting to stalling. He doesn't seem to have remorse about it at first, he actually seems kind of like he's willing to admit it because it's the truth. Then we get a Ronald Reagan mention from Yuri, followed by him spitting with disgust, which was not included in the final cut... still sort of an off moment, considering the very few Reagan mentions we've gotten in the series, it's been through the presidential campaign sign in front of the Wheeler's house in s2 most.

But now, this is where it starts to get a little scary in terms of what Mike could be thinking. I don't know how I feel about it because it's a scary concept.

You saw it with your own eyes. You know it to be true. And yet you continue to play tricks.

This could mean one of two things, or maybe even a mix of both...

It could mean that Mike knows El doesn't need him despite her begging for him to say the words I love you (he saw it with his own eyes?), but he isn't willing to accept it. He knows his feelings deep down will never change (he doesn’t love El), making his and El's separation inevitable (also reminds me of the suicide mission comment from Yuri...). He is fixated on this idea of her needing him and if not, losing her all together, instead of what El was actually upset about, which was not being loved.

Or it could (also) mean Mike understood Will in the van. He saw it with his own eyes aka the painting, he knew it was apparently for a girl Will liked, but it ended up actually being for him. And he seemed very happy about this as a revelation, up until Will mentioned it was actually from El. Not only that, but what followed was Will monologuing about feelings that matched closer to what Mike and Will had went through over the past year, not him and El. And so Mike realizes in this moment that Will does return his feelings for him, but he isn't willing to confront it aka he chooses to play tricks instead. He saw Will crying, yet he didn't confront it nor comfort him, and I think it’s at the very least bc Will crying that hard would have definitely caused Mike to start crying himself.

I also want to add that I think supports this sort of unraveling of Mike having different assumptions about the painting at different times. Because it appears in the hospital scene with Max, based on the blocking of Will, Mike, and El according to the painting on the wall in the background, that before this moment, he may very well have assumed the painting was from Will. But upon finding out El saving Max was a miracle, the painting shifts and is suddenly behind El.

I think that’s the main issue with deciding definitely one way or another how Mike interprets what’s going down. Because arguably, his feelings about the situation could actually be evolving based on the events around him unfolding.

Now let’s move on to the Peanut Butter Smuggler line. They use this to sort of make a reference to a past version of Yuri who was revered, and irrefutably considered a hero by many’ aka the mainstream ‘I miss s1-2 Mike Wheeler’ core.

And last but definitely, almost certainly not least, they show us Yuri reaching in his coat's inner chest pocket, to pull out the reason for the issue that was causing the stalling…

And that in the context of lettergate and even pocketgate, is pretty insane.

I also noticed a lot of scenes end with 'as...' in the scripts, as it's sort of their way to emulate the smooth transitions between scenes in words. While the scene directly after this is of Max and Lucas, the scene directly after that is Mike and El in Surfer Boy, right before they eat the pineapple pizza.

'Uncertain as...' Uncertain as who?!?!?! Max uncertain about the plan she herself insisted they do? Perhaps. Or what about Mike who is very much uncertain in all of his stalling glory, not even two scenes later, after they literally just acknowledged Yuri's stalling…

A lot of the pieces are there for this to play out, so I don't really think it's a reach anymore when you really start to add it all up.

Letter to Willy is a major proof that this is important. Although Mike ‘We’ve had it this whole time’ Wheeler was referring to a pen in that moment, the pen also came from secret hero agent man’s pocket, with the number (answer) being hidden inside, and with Mike’s shirt being off in that scene, though still in the frame in the right corner.

And then there’s the whole transition from Mike in Hawkins to the mailmain in Lenora in 4x01, DONT you worry Mrs Byers, it’s coming!!

If you want to know what I think personally. I don't know....

I do feel like what would make it super easy for everyone to figure out what's going on with Mike, is for us to finally read a letter from him, and with it ending with love Mike... Like it would just be that easy. Literally all of the contents could even be written off as a friend missing his friend platonically and really struggling bc he can't reach him, with him opening up about things that we already suspected, but that he hasn't said out loud. And then by simply ending it with love Mike, the case would be closed.

It would also perhaps explain Mike's inablity to write love to El in their letters. You’d think there had to have been something that made him overthink not doing that in the first place? And arguably, him having done it for Will when he tried to write a letter(s) to him, only to end it with love, followed by panicking and making the choice to never write Will a letter and instead focus on sending them to El (bc she’s his gf) it sort of starts to add up.

I also think I have a theory for when this letter will come into play in s5.

In the flashback of Suzie getting her computer taken by her dad, the last shot is of her night stand, which has a letter from Dustin, with a watch laying on top of it, also accompanied by an alarm clock that reads 5:02… I think it’s possible we could get lettergate being addressed as early as the second episode of s5. And with all the time/clock imagery surrounding it, there’s a good chance the cliffhanger of that episode could send us straight to the time jump…

Just a theory for now based on a lot of piling evidence. But it’s all very incriminating for Mike…

[once-and-future-alaskan]

Eh. Good enough opportunity as any to elaborate on my gender progression because of the way I phrased it in my tags here. I'll put it under the read more for politeness sake.

Starting from the top:

I'm not gonna unpack my entire sob story of my childhood since that's not really the point here and also, like, I'm an adult who works for a living. I'm very much over it and only wish I'd been able to make peace and move past it sooner in life.

In general, I tend to perceive my child self as a boy pretending to be Jango Fett. To respect his wishes and because even he hated our birth name, i will be referring to him as such. Jango exists in a secluded, rarely visited, area of the Mind Kremlin that occasionally nessesitates my attention when his fantasies start to break down and the reality of his lived experience creeps in.

After all, you don't leave a scared and confused kid alone to confront the hard truths about his parents and his upbringing just because you already figured them out, right?

I dont actually wish I could go back and reveal the trans truth to Jango. While I recall more than one fleeting moments of wishing to be a girl as a young boy, they were all promptly dealt with by my parents at the time and in general I don't think they were that meaningful to how I turned out. Really, I feel very comfortable conceiving of Jango, child me, as a boy. I don't think the way one perceives their past gender really has any meaningful implications about their current identity.

No, more than anything, I do wish I could go back and tell him that things are gonna get very scary and confusing, and he DOESN’T just have to accept it. He's going to be weaponized by his parents against each other, and that's NOT OK. He's going to have to endure a lot of abuse of a kind he won't fully understand, and it sucks and it's OK for him to cry about it.

I wish I could tell him he was allowed to find kittens cute, that he should be shameless in his little joys, that he should never stop loving the things he loved. And that yes, I'd give him a hug.

My high school self is more like my teenage selves, plural, since I think of this as the versions of me from like age 12 to 15 and then 15 to 17 as two similar but separate individuals. We'll refer to them as Scott for the former and Nico for the latter.

Sorry, Nic'o. They were very specific about that back then, and as annoying as I find them, I will respect their wishes since I know where this is going. Scott uses he/him still. Nic'o uses he/they with a retroactive heavy preference for they, they only ever identified as just "Ace" because Tumblr discourse hadn't discovered the difference between romantic and sexual attraction yet.

Anyway, Scott and Nic'o exist in various places of the Mind Kremlin and used to like butting their heads in the main office daily to remind me of various horrible and embarrassing memories. With time, though, the two have gotten much quieter and seem to be slowly making their way to Jangos area. It's been some time since Scott was a real nuisance and may have already taken up residence there, Nic'o still lingers outside my office occasionally, though.

Scott is less interesting from a gender perspective. He was the beginning of my rebellious streak in the form of adopting 2010s internet atheism and communist symbols to piss off my conservative father, even if he didn't realize that's why he was doing it. The only noteworthy facet from a gender perspective was he's when i realized i could call myself whatever the hell i wanted and adopted Scott as my given alias. He is also why I first joined tumblr. Which, for all the numerous faults this sites had then and now, it's how I was even introduced to greater LGBT concepts beyond abstract "gayness" and a boogeyman version of transsexuals.

The way it did this was incomplete, flawed, and typically problematic, but, silver linings.

Nic'o began to take form after finally ending my relationship with my father. Nic'o decided they would have their name legally changed to Nicholas as a life goaI, and adopted Nic'o as their favorite nickname. This is the time when i began identifying as Asexual as it felt most accurate to myself and, as anyone who knows me can tell you, was what i still identified as until last year!

When i say Nic'os gender neutral pronouns are retroactive as there were far more times in this era where I toyed with the idea of being something other than cis, but didn’t understand gender transition in any capacity and never took up non he/him pronouns in that era. As much as I'd love to grace them with the sacred she/hers, I don't think Nic'o was quite there yet mentally.

Anyway. If I could deal with Scott and Nic'o in their times, I'd rip their asses for not trying hard enough and, more importantly, not taking care of themselves. Jfc Nic'o you, especially, looked like shit, how nobody ever told you to shave that nasty ass scraggly neckbeard for three years is a gd mystery to me.

Then, I'd hug them, since I know what was happening in their brains and at home.

For simplicity sake, we'll call myself from the ages of 18 to 22 Taka since that was my online alias till...2021, I think? Maybe? Doesn't matter. Taka used She/They with a heavy preference for She, and if we're being honest, never liked the they at all actually. She identified as Ace-Aro.

Taka exists in one of the suites of the Mind Kremlin and enjoys regularly bsrging into the main office to trigger some horrible memory or whatever. I wouldn’t say she's gotten quieter lately so much as like to act as my worst half sometimes. Of I'm being frank, most of the time I catch myself thinking some internalized transphobia or misogyny that's dressed up in liberal language, it's usually her to blame.

She meant well, gods forgive her. Taka was embarrassingly stuck in the Baby Trans state till she was like 21 or so. Real deep into the "breadtube" thing for entirely too long and surrounded by entirely too many white neoliberal seattle trans women for her own good.

I'd go deeper, but I won't for my own sanity. This was the worst point in my life for many reasons. A lot of it was self inflicted.

The one positive I can say for her was it was in her era I found faith again. I admit to lapsing in my practice for far too long, but my spirituality has been a critical pillar to me in the last few years.

If I could speak to her, I don't think she'd listen, but I'd try and make her see what her relationships for what they were. More than anything else, I think that was the first step.

So now we come to me.

I'm Alaskan. That's not my name, but I don't like people not in my circle using my real one. You can infer it from Nic'os real name, though.

I am a 26 years old trans woman. I use she/her pronouns and am a lesbian-aromantic.

In the last two years I have realized I am a lesbian through the help of my wonderful friends. In using they/them pronouns at work I came to realize how much I hate them when actually applied to myself. I am a woman. I go by she/her. Do not call me otherwise.

I also realized I'm Autistic, which is fun and incredibly obvious.

In the time since Taka, ive learned and grown a great deal, but I still need to do better.

I know if I ever do something like this post again a few years from now, I will be seen as another past version. Perhaps I'll even be seen by my future self as just as bad as Taka, though I certainly hope not.

Regardless, there will always be a better future me, and I can't wait to meet her.

I'll be honest, there was something oddly cathartic about my weird little fit of interacting with past me's posts like she was some random idiot stranger earlier. Something something treating a version of yourself as a separate entity to call her a stupid bitch.

No, i'm not plural, oh my god some of you people i swear.

[luna-rainbow]

I can't believe I'm playing devil's advocate but Sharon saying 'I thought you were all about stars and stripes' is more indicative of Sharon's mindset , her cynicsm towards patriotism and superheroes than the show mocking Bucky's bond with Steve, if that's what you were implying. Also, Bucky saying 'Hydra were my people' is often use to say that Tfatws frames him as guilty when right after he said this Sam interjected by saying 'Not a chance'. Its the 1 time it was acknowledged he was innocent.

I’m going to start off with saying I know a lot of people still like/want to like the series, and want to hold onto these moments of seeming kindness. That’s completely fine, and it’s not my mission to ruin people’s enjoyment of the show (even if it seems like I talk very critically about it a lot). I’m just here to give my reading, and because the overall series doesn’t give me the impression it wants to provide a sympathetic view on Bucky’s experience under Hydra, I don’t tend to read any sympathy into any singular, fortuitously placed lines.

The full exchange is:

B: Well, I know what we have to do. When Isaiah said “my people”…

S: Oh, don’t take that to heart. That’s not what he meant.

B: No, he meant HYDRA. HYDRA used to be my people.

S: Not a chance.

B: Walker doesn’t have any leads.

S: I know where you’re going with this, no.

B: He knows all of HYDRA’s secrets.

S: Don’t you remember Siberia? So you’re just gonna go sit in a room with this guy?

B: Yes.

S: Okay, then. We’re gonna go see Zemo.

The only line where Sam immediately responds to what Bucky is saying is the first one: “don’t take it to heart”. The rest of it is a build-up sequence that is in fact one theme: “not a chance, I know where you’re going with this, don’t you remember Siberia? Okay, we’re seeing Zemo.”

From a character point of view, kudos for Sam jumping to the correct conclusion about Bucky’s self-destructive plan as soon as Bucky pointed to Hydra, personally I think that’s a great Sam-Bucky moment. From a writing point of view, that was building of suspense for Zemo’s reveal. From Sam’s ‘not a chance’, to gradual softening of his stance that piques our curiosity about why Sam would say no, until the “okay then” and finally Zemo’s appearance on screen.

I don’t read the “not a chance” as Sam outright denying Hydra is Bucky’s people (kinda weird wording for that intent?) but rather him saying “no Bucky I’m not letting you approach anyone related to Hydra including Zemo (because I’m worried about you)”, which is a different kind of caring from Sam. Do I actually want Sam in that moment to stop and unpack why Bucky shouldn’t call Hydra his people? No, it wasn’t appropriate, but from a writer’s point of view why was Bucky’s line even dropped in without a callback to it? Why was it worded specifically as “Hydra used to be my people?” There are a multitude of ways he could have said it that’s less incriminating — “he thinks Hydra is my people” “he’s calling Hydra my people” “he’s referring to Hydra as my people” “Hydra were the ones who used me” “Hydra were the people controlling the Winter Soldier” “he thought I was fighting for Hydra”. We can argue over whether Bucky was in the frame of mind to make that distinction and I would say he is, given he’s spent 4 years away from Hydra; but the more important thing is what did the author intend by Bucky’s line? All it did was to tell the audience (most of whom are NOT avid fans who’ve watched the Cap movies more than once) Bucky and Hydra were the same team, when it didn’t give anything to address that false impression later on.

As for Sharon’s line, I agree it’s in character, but again it’s about the lack of callback. At no point does Bucky say to Sam as he did for Steve in CATFA, “I’m not here for the costume or the red white blue, I’m here for you.” At no point does Bucky get a chance to really talk about why he wants Sam to have the shield outside of “this is what Steve wants”. I suspect the writers didn’t know why Sam should have the shield either — and before anyone jumps down my throat, for me a non-American, I don’t see the Cap title as a greater or more worthy superhero title than Falcon and the series did nothing to change that.

The list of quotes I had in that post is supposed to paint an overall picture of author intent, which is to drop lines about Bucky’s affiliation with Hydra in order to justify why he needs to make amends, and to simplify his morality into an attachment to Steve or to the imperialistic view of “Stars and Stripes” rather than give any weight to his loyalty to goodness and freedom.

And that has been the theme of all my criticism of the series: the intention is to say Bucky was equivalent to Hydra, that he had power and autonomy (“abused the power I gave her”) and agrees with what Hydra was doing (“you think your cause justifies all this death…the nightmares won’t stop”), and that “it was me” even though “I didn’t have a choice”. Sure, we can take the favourable Watsonian reading that Bucky finally accepted he didn’t have a choice, but put that next to Skogland’s quote that “he can’t always hide behind his excuse of no control”, I’d say the author intent is pretty clear that even if Bucky feels he had no choice he still needs to own the crimes.

Ultimately I’m going to come back to what I said at the beginning. I know people want to like this series because they’ve waited a long time for it and if reading favourably into individual lines are going to help you to continue to like it, then I don’t want to talk you out of it. But since you’ve dropped me the question, here’s my view — I’m always going to take the Doylist view with this series because it was simply not immersive enough due to its inconsistent characterisation and incohesive world building. And the interviews certainly didn’t help its case.

[genuineformality]

On Pejorative Use of Out-of-Character

Fanfic, like many hobbies, is ridiculous.

It is not any more ridiculous than people who watch birds or collect stamps or recreate Napoleonic War battles or play video games or any of the other myriad things one could do with one's free time. We all have our (essentially specious) reasons for doing our hobbies, but they all boil down to one thing: we find some measure of value or pleasure in its pursuit.

I bring this up because in every hobby, there are elitists and jerks and people who insist that there are right and wrong ways to do it. And in some cases, there are objectively good and bad ways to go about that hobby (bird watching, for example, if you do it badly has the possibility of harming the birds you're trying to observe), but most of the time, the pursuit of hobbies is generally harmless and there is no one true way to participate (the backyard birders are no more or less birders than those who haul a scope on long hikes - the format changes, but the activity is fundamentally the same).

I use birding as an example here because it's something I'm familiar with and it's generally considered to be a very Socially Acceptable hobby, but I could use similar examples for any hobby I listed or almost any other besides. Like many low stakes things, the lower the stakes, the bigger the opinions, and the larger the dramas. Fanfic is about the lowest stakes thing out there, so naturally the opinions are Very Large.

Earlier today I made reference to wanting recommendations for fics that feature out-of-character characters or wild AUs of the type that wouldn't normally be someone's cup of tea, but which they enjoyed anyway. This included some language that was perceived as thoughtless.

I try not to be unkind or thoughtless, but I'm human and (therefore) imperfect, and prone to introspection that borders on useless maundering, so of course I've been thinking about this all afternoon.

Reading between the lines of the anonymous user's comment, I realized that what they objected to wasn't insulting in and of itself, so much as there is a pervasive opinion/perception that portraying characters as out of character is undesirable. (And by extension, portraying characters as in character is desirable and good.)

There's a lot to unpack here, but what I want to address specifically is that fanfic, by its nature, is derivative and transformative. We are taking characters that someone else made up and then making up new stories with them. And yes, a lot of the reason that we do that is because we read or saw specific traits in those characters that we want to explore more - but someone choosing different things to explore with those characters doesn't make them bad; it makes them different. Using out-of-character as a pejorative doesn't serve anyone, except to create divides that don't need to exist.

When I've received comments that my characterization of Kaz feels very true to the books, I feel a warm glow of pride that I've done well, which I'm now trying to reframe, because I don't particularly like the idea that one way of writing fanfic is inherently better than any other. I'm very glad that someone found pleasure in the same things that I do; I'm glad that we have similar tastes and a nice bit of connection with one another because of it.

In examining why the (fair, valid) criticism of my fic recs and request made me rankle a bit and why I then felt it necessary to defend those that I had posted as being in character, I realize I'm promulgating an idea that some fanfic is inherently good and some of it is inherently bad. Which is, like the entire hobby, a little ridiculous.

Because in the end, writing fanfic means that we're all just nerds playing with dolls and because of the amazing/terrifying hellscape we live in, we have the opportunity to show our friends the stories we're making up with them.

My most recent fandom foray has introduced me to writers and fics that I wouldn't have ever thought I would read and giving fics a chance that I never would have before. And I love that.

I'm reframing my use out-of-character. When I say that, I mean "I want to read fics by people who got something different out of this than I did". I mean, "I want a different perspective than my own". And when I ask for fic recommendations, I'm asking for people to send me fics they read and thought, "This isn't usually my cup of tea, but damn if it didn't make me rethink some things about how I engage in fandom."

[lazyliars]

/rp

DreamXD actually slots very nicely into a working theory I've had for about two or so months now, mainly centering around one question:

What happened to Dream?

Namely, why did Dream change, when exactly did it happen, and was it solely an internal change, or was there an external force at play, specifically a preternatural one?

I think with DreamXD, we might finally have an answer.

Or at least some clues to follow. DreamXD presents a shift in every single paradigm the Dream SMP has had. Like, I think most of it is just being so utterly blind-sided by George Lore Real, but part of it is the massive ramifications of an Actual God* being present in the storyline.

((*On the other resident god of the server, Foolish:

DreamXD is different than Foolish, in that his characterization is so dramatically inhuman - Foolish talks and acts like a (somewhat eccentric) person, and his powers are, as far as we know, limited in comparison to the creative-mode godhood that DreamXD occupies. And whether that is because Foolish is not a "full" god (having been referred to as a demigod) or simply because he's spent so much time around humans, we don't know, but we do know that either way, DreamXD is NOT that.

DreamXD's voice is marked by glitches and dramatic shifts in tone, he seems to lack control over the different aspects of his personality, like the more "Dream" part vs. the darker one that threatens to eat peoples souls. The "normal" part even displays confusion when George references things that the "darker" part said, implying that it may not be fully aware of itself.

TLDR: Foolish acts more human than DreamXD, who has a very eldritch personality.))

To get right to the point:

The Dream we knew before November 16th, and the Dream we know now are not the same. Something changed, and it changed for the worse.

Consider: Dream was always antagonistic to the L'manbergians - he was always imperious to them, and he was responsible for starting a number of fights between his faction and theirs, just as many if not more than they were.

But, he was also not... evil. He'd pick fights with Tommy, the disc wars were still a thing, but the gravity of the spats they had weren't dire. They were fun. They were... actually a game. He wasn't like the way he is now. While in hindsight we can look at these events and detect a serious undertone knowing what's to come, at the time they were far from it.

There is an argument to be made that he had the same tendencies as now, just not expressed as loudly, and while I believe it's a valid argument, I disagree that it's proof of Dream always being the way he is now.

Sapnap, Badboyhalo, Sam. They all remember Dream as their friend - they remember someone who was, maybe a little aggressive and a lot competitive, but not cruel. Not needlessly murderous. Not someone who steals sentimental items and lines the walls of a disgusting museum to use against them.

Dream cut them out. Sapnap was totally blindsided. Bad doesn't seem to fully believe it. Sam blamed himself for not realizing and tried to take the weight of that crime on his own shoulders by becoming the Warden.

There's also the competing theory that what happened to Dream was purely psychological - either the circumstances slowly isolating him from his friends driving him to the do things he's done, or a desire for control that started early and continued to fester until it overshadowed everything else, or any combination of both.

And those theories are still valid, they could still be the case, but I haven't been able to shake the idea that there is something deeper at play. I can't overstate how the exile arc and everything after it have been so inhumane, so cruel, and... not exactly out of character in the sense that I could never see Dream doing them, but in the sense that I could never see him doing them for no reason.

And there really doesn't seem to be one. Dream says himself, it's like a game. He sees people as toys, puppets. And there just doesn't seem to be an inciting incident that could explain how he made the leap from semi-authoritarian leader who, despite being a warmonger, does love his friends, to heartless murderer who wants to reduce everyone he knows to dolls.

There's... ways, he could get there, but nothing that we've seen makes sense. There is a missing piece, something that must have happened from his POV that we didn't get to see because he doesn't stream.

And DreamXD could be it. This godly entity that claims that it is "a part of [Dream]" but that it isn't him entirely. That seems to share the lack of understanding of humanity that Dream has been displaying like when he asks if resurrecting Tommy was “cool.” But that still loves George. He still, despite apparently not having the same history as Dream, desperately wants to be George's friend.

If I had to pinpoint the moment Dream changed, it would be the day that he revealed that he switched sides, and was going to be fighting against Pogtopia. He was paid for this betrayal in the Revive Book.

I mark this as the turning point in my theory because it is the first time Dream mentions his affinity for chaos in the context of hurting others. However, we also know that this likely wasn't the day he actually made the decision to betray - as he revealed that there was a traitor among the Pogtopians, a fact that he likely would have learned before this.

Now, I mark George's lore stream as the introduction of DreamXD proper, and I want that on the record because it isn't technically his first appearance on the server.

Most people will remember him from Techno's stream, where he logged on to break the End Portal in a panic. I doubt the character was properly written into the lore at that time, but it fits neatly with the rest of what we know about him - a guardian of the server, and the keeper of it's rules. No contradictions.

What less people might know, is that DreamXD has made an even earlier appearance, and it's this one where things begin to get... interesting.

Around roughly October of 2020, Tubbo and Fundy did some improv'd streams centering around Demon Hunting, or rather, "Dreamon" Hunting, and it's during the first of these two streams that DreamXD makes an appearance.

The bare bones of it was - Tubbo is an experienced "Dreamon Hunter" and teaches Fundy his ways. They find Dream, and realize that he has a Dreamon inside of him, which is basically an evil version of him. They attempt to exorcise the Dreamon from Dream via various shenanigans, and eventually, they do a ceremony to free Dream. However, they apparently botch it, and unleash the Dreamon within. After more shenanigans, one attempt to fix it utilizing Fundy and Dream's wedding appears to work, but then DreamXD logs on, flys around at Tubbo and Fundy threateningly, and they end stream on the idea that there are probably more Dreamons to hunt.

Now. There's a lot to unpack here. I'm not gonna go into the nitty gritty details in this post, but I do recommend watching the Dreamon streams, as they have A LOT of details that, if this is getting incorporated into the main story line, could be important - especially the focus on duality, having TWO versions of Dream, which end up being potentially separated from each other.

(Also, they're just really funny streams. Tubbo and Fundy are at PEAK chaos and Dream plays along with their inane bit perfectly, it's just good content.)

At the time of the Dreamon streams airing, they were explicitly non-canon. IIRC Tubbo and Fundy referred to them as taking place In an “alternate universe,” which makes sense considering they would have been on opposite sides at the time (Manburg and Pogtopia.)

However.

And this is where I show you my wall of red string and newspaper clippings.

My singular piece of evidence for this comes from one line DreamXD drops. He simply says: “At least you're not hunting me.”

The Dreamon streams take place around early October. Dream reveals his betrayal of Pogtopia around November 6th-7th. The timeline of the Dreamon streams would line up perfectly with the idea that there was a catalyzing event that put Dream on the proverbial path to hell.

I do not believe that they intended the Dreamon arc to be anything other than a side story at the time, but considering that DreamXD himself was barely canon until now, I don't think it's out of the question that they took a look back at a fan-favorite minor arc, saw an opportunity to co-opt it into the current story line, and potentially fill in some holes regarding Dream's characterization all in one move.

On the question of whether this would be a GOOD storytelling move?

The Dreamon theories were prevalent during the exile arc, and I've got to say, I was never a huge fan. The detachment of Dream's actions from his intentions, and by extension his morality, never sat right with me. It feels cheap to make him a victim and say “a Dreamon did it!” in regards to all of the horrible things that he's done. It strips his agency and makes everything that happened less impactful in my opinion, and I stand by that reading.

BUT. With DreamXD introduced, I feel like it's necessary to look at this from all angles. And with the way DreamXD was characterized in George's stream, I don't think it necessarily ruins Dream's character to say that an external force was involved with his descent into evil.

Namely, the idea that whatever happened to Dream was not really a “possession” so much as a gradual loss of humanity, could be an interesting way to look at this. It implies that Dream was always capable of his actions, but grants us understanding as to why he would actually perform them, and why he might have become isolated enough from his friends that they would let this happen.

The Dream we know now could be an expression of his “worst self” brought to the surface by a Dreamon/DreamXD/other. It also begs the question of what would happen if that force were to leave him, and how it might cause yet another shift in character, especially if it were to be portrayed as less of a switch being flipped, and more of a withdrawal, with a gradual process of realizing how far gone he was.

To close this out, I've been stewing on the idea that Dream hasn't entirely been himself since the climax of the Exile Arc.

I think this theory holds water, but it's also not waterproof... there are plenty of holes, and a lot of that comes from the fact that Dream doesn't stream. We're left in the dark when deciphering his character, and what might appear to be the key, could just as easily be revealed as a red herring, or even nothing at all.

Regardless of the validity of the Dreamon theory, I think that DreamXD is one of the most interesting developments we've had on the SMP in a long time, if simply because his arrival coincides with fucking George Lore Real. God. I still don't know how to deal with that.

I always appreciate people adding to the discussion by the way! Feel free to reblog with additions if you like or leave them in the replies.

And if a single one of you comes to my blog on THIS. THE DAY OF MY DAUGHTER'S WEDDING. And calls ME a c!Dream Apologist to MY FACE..... I will be v sad.

[spencersawkward]

switchblade faith // spencer reid - chapter 1

summary: one month after joining the BAU, Clea is still settling in. between solving murders and getting acclimated to DC, the only comfortable thing in her life is her friendship with Dr. Spencer Reid.

relationship: fem!OC/Spencer Reid

word count: 3.4k

hi all! welcome to my new story.

I've never written a baby Spence fic before, but I'm gonna try my best. I just wanted to get something out of the way before the book starts:

aside from the fact that it's young Spencer, this book isn't placed in a specific season. I might pull cases from different episodes, but the characters will remain the same. I've included Emily and Rossi as characters because I couldn't bear to have a story without either of them (wouldn't want to subject any of you to a Prentiss-less world).

that's pretty much it. I'm glad you're here. if you wanna read my other stories, my masterlist is here.

happy reading :)

"HA!" I slap my hand down on the pile of cards and slide it towards me, organizing them in a neat pile with a smug expression.

"this game is a sham." Spencer sighs, reaching for his book.

"you're just mad you lost." I raise an eyebrow and shuffle the cards again. "you don't wanna play another round?"

"why would I? the only skill this game requires is fast reflexes." he runs hazel eyes down the page with an alarming quickness. I scoff at his disinterest.

"maybe if you trained those reflexes as much as you trained that big genius brain of yours, you'd get a leg up." Morgan teases from his spot next to me. Spencer glances at him with a frown, his cheeks turning a light pink, before looking to me. I throw up my hands.

"he said it, not me." secretly, I smile at the fact that Derek is backing me up.

"I could beat any of you in poker." Reid defends.

"easily. it helps that I don't even know how to play." I slide the cards back into the holder and cross my arms over my chest with a sigh.

"you don't know how to play poker?" he's shocked.

"I told you, I hate card games like that!" I emphasize. things like poker, blackjack, anything that involves multiple players, I usually don't enjoy much. Emily glances up from her case file with a tiny smirk.

"why?"

"I'm a sore loser." I admit, averting my eyes. there's also the risk factor involved, which includes giving up coins or pretzels or peanuts if I lose. I tend to cling tightly to all three. Prentiss lets out a laugh and Spencer flips the page of his book.

"and winner, apparently."

"you're sassy today, aren't you?" I grin at him, pleasantly surprised.

in the month I've been working here, I haven't spoken to Spencer very much. he's been polite and I've gotten to know his intellect quite well, but he doesn't spend a lot of time with us outside of work. when we go out to get drinks, he either declines or heads home before we can even ask, a bag full of books pressed to his side.

I think he just takes a while to get comfortable around new people-- that's what JJ said when I asked why he seemed to be avoiding me. the fact that he played cards with me today felt like a victory in itself, so I'll take what I can get.

Spencer doesn't reply to my dig, only crosses his long, narrow legs and settles into his book.

"we should start briefing before we land." Hotch and Rossi walk over from their spots at the front of the plane to sit on the couch by our table. I nod eagerly and watch as Emily flips open her laptop to FaceTime Penelope about the case.

the first couple cases were more difficult than I expected because I had never worked in the field before joining the BAU, but I'm starting to get used to flying around constantly and examining actual dead bodies. working sex crimes meant I spent most of my time in front of a computer screen or just staying in the office. this is incredibly different-- which I'm starting to find might not to be a bad thing.

"--the virus killed her hard drive and left that on the screen." Penelope explains, referring to the picture of Heather Woodland's computer.

"'for heaven's sake, catch me before I kill more. I cannot control myself'." Morgan reads the message aloud from the case file. the words feel familiar in my mind and I try to remember where I've heard them before.

"that's exactly what William Heirens left behind." Spencer sparks the memory. I sit up straighter.

"the Lipstick Killer?" my fingertips trace over the case details. it's a weird aspect of the murder to emulate, especially because he didn't even leave the message in lipstick. I guess he's not really concerned with that; based on the unsub's previous victims, we have just under 36 hours to find her.

"his first victim was Melissa Kirsh, 26," Reid scratches his nose as he reads, frowning so hard that I start to think he'll form permanent wrinkles. he's got such a baby face, it's almost funny. "stab wounds, strangulation."

"so he stabbed her first, and then strangled her to finish the job?" Morgan repeats.

"what's with using a belt for the second murder?" Emily flips through the papers, confused. Spencer stiffens in his spot as he realizes this is the perfect time to share his freakishly expansive forensic knowledge.

"strangulation with your bare hands actually isn't as easy as you would believe. he probably tried it, found that it took too long, then stabbed her. and blood takes a long time to clean, so he decided a belt would be more efficient."

"he's perfecting his method." I can't tear my eyes away from the photos, despite the roiling sensation they put in my stomach. even with the things I've already seen, I don't think I'll ever get over photographs like this.

"we'll be landing soon and then we're meeting up with the Seattle field office. be ready to split up once we hit the ground." Hotch snaps shut his case file and stands up, breaking off to go sit alone. Rossi takes note of the old card deck that sits on the table.

"poker?" he looks between the four of us.

"nope." Emily chuckles.

"this one doesn't know how to play." Morgan gestures to me, causing Rossi to turn to me.

"were you raised in a barn?" he asks in his usual manner of speaking: blunt sarcasm with a hint of mockery. I frown sarcastically.

"something like that."

"at some point this week, we'll sit down and I'll teach you." he gets up, pats my shoulder, and walks over to join Hotch. I lower my voice once he's far enough away.

"is he actually gonna make me do that?"

"you don't know Rossi." Morgan shakes his head slowly, slides his headphones back on, and sinks into his seat.

"I'll join and bring JJ with me." Emily winks at me reassuringly, noting the tapping of my nail against the surface of the table. Rossi is a legend in the field and I've read all of his books, but didn't want to freak him out by telling him so. it was embarrassing enough when I met him and got tongue-tied while shaking his hand. he's got an elusive energy that intimidates me, and I'd prefer not to showcase that by humiliating myself with poker.

instead of dwelling on thoughts of how I'm going to fail in front of my idol, I open up one of my books and try to pass the time.

...

while I'm writing some notes on one of the many white boards scattered throughout the field office, I realize that I'm one of four other women in the room, including Emily. she's talking to Hotch and another agent at the opposite end of the room; Reid is unpacking his signature book bag and seems deep in thought. Rossi is reading a document. everyone around me seems to be in a hurry to do something, and I begin to feel dumb.

"you okay?" Morgan asks me. I realize that I've been standing with my marker hovering over the board. my fingertips press into my temple before I turn to him.

"yeah, definitely. just thinking." my mind travels to the map we've got pasted up and the red marker lines that Spencer has already created with the geographical profile.

"looks like we're getting the classic Seattle treatment." Derek points outside to the rain pelting the windows, streaming down the glass and distorting the glow of the city outside. it's gloomy today, with a slight chill running through the streets. I nod and turn back to my task, suddenly realizing something.

"he's willing to travel with the body." I mutter to myself. Morgan steps up next to me, crosses his arms across his chest.

"he must drive a vehicle that can conceal one, then." he glances over to Hotch to see what the unit chief has to say, but Spencer speaks up first.

"one in seven point four drivers in Seattle owns an SUV." it's like a flip switches at the mention of a statistic, diverting his attention from something nebulous in his mind to the tangible case. he's a little similar to a robot.

"an Explorer with tinted windows?" Morgan speaks again as he looks over the case photos.

"those rate higher among women." Spencer again.

"sure, but how do we know it's his car?" I wonder.

"what about a Jeep Cherokee?" Hotch chimes in, almost startling me with the deep register of his voice. I pull my bottom lip between my teeth as I think on it.

"Jeeps are more masculine." Reid comes close to me in order to examine the picture I'm holding. he smells like clean laundry and some nice soap scent that I can't place. maybe it's the gel he uses to slick back his hair. no cologne or aftershave. I don't think he'd need to shave, what with his smooth baby face.

Spencer has some special quirks that make him a little more interesting. he usually avoids physical contact with other people-- doesn't shake hands-- but at other times, he doesn't seem to have self-awareness. like right now, where the shoulder of his red sweater is just barely touching mine. I hand him the picture and step away.

"unsubs love to assert their masculinity."

Hotch nods along, encouraging me to share more of what I'm thinking. after swallowing down a lingering nervousness, I tap the push pin marking where the last body was dumped. "he dropped her out-of-state, so he probably has a previous knowledge of law enforcement. maybe he's got a criminal record?"

"good, Williams." Hotch praises me. my fist clenches triumphantly at my side as he turns to the agent who has been watching us intently. "when do we meet with your task force?"

"four." the man replies. I balk at this, my posture shifting. the shortest time constraint I've ever had here has been a full day. it's already one in the afternoon.

"you want an accurate profile by four today?" I glance between Morgan and Spencer, but the latter is rocking back and forth on his heels with his eyes glued to the white board. Morgan doesn't seem put off by it.

"we can do that." Hotch scowls, snapping shut the case file with a finality that tells me we're about to split up. "Dave and Morgan, head to the last dump site. Williams, Reid, I want you to talk to Heather's brother and try to find out what you can about her life. Prentiss and I will stay here in case of new developments."

I nod curtly, grab my jacket, and glance over at Spencer. he runs his hand over his hair, although I can't imagine what there is to smooth down, then walks over to me.

"you ready to go?" I ask, brandishing the file. he and I have only done two interviews together; I spent most of my beginning weeks working with Emily to get a feel for the job. both times with the boy genius have been fine, if not a little awkward.

he nods in answer to my question. "would you mind driving?"

"no license?" I tease to lighten the mood, but he doesn't get the joke. instead, he frowns at me with something of a distracted expression, adjusts his bag.

"no, I don't like driving in the rain."

"oh," I recover quickly and put a friendly smile on my face. "no problem."

"thanks." he walks ahead of me and I cringe at my own behavior. he acts so differently from earlier on the jet that I start to wonder if I did something wrong. maybe he's just in his head or something; I know I would be if I had an IQ that enormous.

when we get to the house of Heather Woodland's brother, a gorgeous golden lab greets us in the entryway. she puts her paws up on my legs and I reach down to scratch behind her ears with a smile on my face.

"Sandy, calm down." her owner grabs her collar gently to calm her. "sorry."

"no, it's fine, I love dogs." I wave it off and step inside. Spencer is eyeing Sandy warily, but she seems just as eager to say hi to him as she was to me. when she lets out a singular, enthusiastic bark, he startles.

"Mr. Woodland," I suppress my laugh by changing the subject. "I'm Special Agent Williams and this is Special Agent Dr. Reid."

we shake hands, my colleague giving his usual wave and polite smile. the interviewee takes in Spencer's appearance. I know what's coming.

"you look too young for medical school." Woodland says to Reid. this has happened a couple times since I joined the team, but Spencer never seems to mind. if anything, he lights up at the opportunity to share the reason for his official title.

"they're PhD's. three of them." he gives a little smile as we walk into the house, me shaking a few stray raindrops from my hair.

"so... are you a genius or something?" Heather's brother leads us past the hallway into the living room, which is unkempt and littered with pictures, catalogs, and toys. he must have kids in school right now. that would also explain the breed of dog.

"I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified."

"he's being modest," I glance over at Spencer. "Dr. Reid can read 20,000 words a minute-- he's definitely a genius."

Woodland stares at Spencer for a second as he tries to fathom the speed at which someone's mind would have to turn in order to process all that information. I still can't imagine it. Spencer's eyes avoid Woodland's shyly. instead, he watches me as I pet Sandy.

soon after, we ask him about Heather's personality and tendencies. her brother is more than willing to give us all the information we need. I'm surprised, however, by my partner's ease at wandering around Woodland's house, flipping through the magazines on top of the TV and reading the spines of books on shelves. he's quite conspicuous about it.

about halfway through my mental list of questions, Sandy keeps jumping up and wagging her til.

"I'm gonna take her to the backyard quick," Woodland tells us. "one second."

he ducks out of the room and I wait until I know he's out of earshot before sidling up beside Reid.

"there's an immediate relationship established between a buyer and a seller," he tells me, holding up a Datsun Z catalog. we know that she was in the market for one. "if I want to coax a young woman into my car..."

"offer her a test drive." I finish his sentence. of course, within ten minutes of sifting through this woman's house, Spencer has figured out the ruse used to lure her. Woodland returns a moment later with a smile, but we tell him that we've gotten the information we need before leaving.

in the car, Spencer theorizes about the unsub's mental condition as I try to navigate traffic in the storm. thunder rumbles overhead, occasionally sending a vibration through the car. my knuckles tighten around the wheel a bit. I also hate driving in the rain. his rambles fills the silence, however, and somewhat soothe my nerves.

"he doesn't have the MO of a paranoid psychotic. dumping the bodies out in the open, with a weapon nearby... that doesn't align."

"he covers their eyes with duct tape multiple times over, though. he knows he's going to kill them, but he doesn't want them to see his face?" my fingertips drum over the wheel nervously.

"what's wrong?" Spencer asks suddenly, glancing at my hands and then at my face. I still my movements at the change in subject.

"huh? nothing. I just don't like driving in the rain, either."

"oh. I'm sorry." he straightens a bit in his seat. the apology surprises me a little, but he seems genuinely sympathetic. I guess I really don't know him that well.

"it's cool."

we fall into an awkward silence and I bite my lip. we should get back to talking about the case. heaven knows Spencer has more facts to spew, more theories to share about this unsub. anything is better than the gap in conversation. I open my mouth to say more about what we learned at the house, except Spencer speaks first.

"so... how are you liking working here?" he asks awkwardly. it takes a second for the question to register with me. he sounds uncomfortable whenever we're alone and that makes me uncomfortable in turn. where everyone else was quick to include me in their jokes and discussions, Reid always sounds like talking to me exhausts him. it's obvious that he's socially awkward. there's no judgement from me; I'm just surprised that he's pushing to talk about non work-related subjects.

"I like it," not really an accurate summation. I don't think a heart-to-heart is exactly the right move when talking to him. "a little stressful, though."

"you worked in sex crimes before, right?" he looks out the window. there isn't much to see except for the rain-blurred skyline. I nod.

"yep."

"that sounds... hard." he shifts in his seat as he tries to come up with more points of conversation. it's kind of endearing, honestly. I throw him a bone.

"so is profiling."

"why'd you switch?" his eyes flit over to mine as he quickly adds, "if you don't mind me asking."

I take a second to come up with an answer. of course, there's the classic response: I've always wanted to help people— which isn't wrong— it's also not the whole answer. all through college and the Academy, I had my head focused on one thing. I could interview killers and get inside their heads, but there's something entirely different that you don't get from pure research. and one person inspired that in me before I had finished high school.

"don't tell him I said this, but I really wanted to work with Rossi." I say in a hushed tone. there's a slight smile on my lips because I haven't told anyone on the team in fear of being teased. I don't think Spencer is likely to gossip with Rossi about me, though.

"really?" now he sounds surprised.

"I've read all his books and I've been to a couple lectures. he doesn't remember me, evidently." the thought is more funny than embarrassing. he spoke at my college a few years back and I recall being on the edge of my seat, trying to come up with the courage to ask the questions that filled my head. I was too shy.

"does he know you're a fan?" Spencer loosens up a bit.

"nope," we pull off the freeway as we near the field office. I stop at a red light and look over. "I didn't want to embarrass myself with the whole 'your work changed my life' spiel."

at this, Spencer lets out a short, nervous giggle. it's a nice sound, that laugh. it makes me smile when he seems to relax in his seat.

"that's exactly what I did." he says. I frown.

"you told him his books changed your life?" I blush as I realize I just inadvertently made fun of him.

"I, um... well, I got excited to talk about his research." he averts his gaze again and his cheeks turn a slight pink. there's a dimple in his cheek, I notice, that keeps tugging upward. this is my first time having a non-forced moment with Spencer alone; a wave of satisfaction washes over me as I realize the potential for another friend here.

"trust me, I get it." I laugh. we pull into the parking ramp for the field office and I find a spot by the door. Spencer hoists that bag into his lap and runs his hand through his hair. when I pull the key out of the ignition, he waits for me to get out of the car before we start walking toward the door.

it's small, but I appreciate that he doesn't run off without me. we don't talk as we walk, our footsteps echoing along the cement walls.

oh my god first chapter holy fuck! it's short, but I don't wanna overwhelm. I'm so excited for this book!

[c-is-for-circinate]

I'd love to hear more of your thoughts about why P5R didn't quite land for you. I had the same reaction to it, but I've never quite been able to properly articulate why the last section fell so flat.

God okay so I've tried several times to answer this, and it seems like the answer is 'I still have way too many feelings, personally, to say this in anything less than thirty pages and fifteen hours of work', because Persona 5 the original is a game I loved a lot and care about a great deal. And most of the reasons I disliked Royal feel, in my head, like a list of ways it broke some of the things I liked best about P5--which means explaining them feels like I need to explain everything I loved about the original game, which is a book in itself, complete with referents to P3, P4, Jungian psychology, the Joseph Campbell mytharc, and fuck all even knows what. And that is too much.

But today I realized that I could instead describe it from an angle of, Persona 5 Strikers succeeds really well at doing the thing I think Royal was trying to do but failed at. And that I think I can talk about in a reasonable amount of wordspace, hopefully, behind this cut because I have at least one friend who hasn't played Royal yet.

Note for reblogs/comments: I HAVE NOT FINISHED STRIKERS YET. I got through the jail that pretended to be the final jail and have not yet gone into the obviously inevitable 'ohshit wait, you mean there's something more than simple human machinations behind all of this?' dungeon. (I got stuck on a really frustrating side quest, put the game down, and then dived into Hades to avoid throwing the Switch across the room for a while--and anyone around this blog lately knows how THAT'S been going.) Please no spoilers past Okinawa!

So, one of the many, many things I really appreciated about Persona 5 was its straightforward and unashamed attitude towards abusers and their acts of violence. Because, while yes P5 is a story about the use of power and control to make others suffer, it fundamentally isn't about those abusers themselves. It's about their victims, those that survive their crimes. And this shows up repeatedly over the course of the game.

We do not give a shit why Kamoshida wanted to beat and rape his students. We really don't. Kamoshida does not deserve our attention one moment longer than it takes to make him stop. Because, ultimately, that's the goal of P5, start to end. We don't know for sure if what we're doing is fair, if it's justice, if it's questionable. What we know is that people are being hurt, badly, actively, right now this second. What we know is that victims are suffering. What we know is that we, personally, us-the-protag and us the Phantom Thieves at large, are in danger. And in those circumstances, we don't care about the abuser's side any more. We don't. We don't have the space or time or capacity to care, because that is not the point.

The point is to help the weak. To save the people who need saving, right here and now. To give others the courage to stand up on their own behalf. We're not even out to change society, not really--that's a byproduct. We are reactions. We are triage. We are important.

There's something so empowering and validating about that as a theme, y'know? In a media landscape so full of "sympathetic villains", the idea that, you know, maybe sometimes you don't have to break yourself to show compassion that might possibly heal the bad guy--that sometimes you can just make the bad guy stop hurting people--feels both refreshing and satisfying. I really appreciate it as a message! I liked it a lot!

And yes, there's nuance to that theme, and the game is not without compassion. We save Futaba, because 'make the bad guy stop hurting people', in that case, means 'make this person stop hurting herself'. We give Sae a path forwards, help her fix her own heart. Yet it's worth pointing out that in both of those cases, while we were very glad to do those things, to save those people, we also went into both of those palaces for extremely practical reasons to begin with. We needed Futaba's help. We needed Sae's help. The fact that we chose to talk Sae into a change of heart rather than simply stealing her treasure, while ultimately a very good thing for her, was absolutely a practical choice predicated on the need for her palace to still exist to save our life. And yes, we wanted to save her, for Makoto's sake--yes, we wanted desperately to save Futaba. But Sae and Futaba let themselves be helped, too, and that doesn't change the overarching themes of the story itself.

Akechi (and to some extent Okumura) would not let himself be helped. Akechi's another interesting nuance to this theme, because of all our villains, we do learn the most about what drove him to the cruelties and crimes he's committed. He's at that intersection of victim and villain, and we want to help him, as a victim--but we also know that stopping him as a villain is more important. We'd like to save him from himself if we could, because we save people from their sources of trauma, it's what we do. We regret being unable to do so. But in the end, what matters to the story is not that Akechi refused to be saved--it's that Shido and Yaldabaoth need to be stopped, for the sakes of everyone else they're hurting now and may continue to hurt in the future.

The thing is, there's space and maybe even a need for a corollary discussion of those places where victim and villain intersect. It's an interesting, pertinent, and related topic. Strikers made an entire video game about it, a really good video game. It's centered in the idea that, yes, these people need to be stopped, and we will make stopping them our priority--but they're not going after us, and that gives us some space to sympathize. Even for Konoe, who specifically targets the Phantom Thieves--compare him to Shido, who actively destroyed the lives of both Joker and Futaba, who ordered Haru's father's death, who's the entire reason the team is still dealing with the trauma of Akechi's everything. Of course the game can be sympathetic to Konoe where it can't with Shido. There's enough distance to do that.

But right--Strikers is a separate game. It's a separate conversation. It's, "last time, we talked about that, so now let's take it one step further." And that's good writing. (It's something Persona has done before, too, also really well! Persona 3 is about terrible, occasionally-suicidal depression and grief. P4 is about how you can still be hurting and need some help and therapy even if things seem ok. Related ideas, but separate conversations that need to be separate in order to be respectful and do justice to either one. P5, as a follow-up to P4, is a conversation about how, ok, changing yourself is great and all, but sometimes the problem is other people so how do you deal with that? Again, still related! Still pertinent! Still alluded to in P4, with Adachi's whole thing--but it wasn't the time or place to base a quarter of the game around it.)

So one of Royal's biggest issues, to me, is that it tries to tack on this whole new angle for discussion onto a game that was originally about something else.

Adding Maruki's palace--adding it at the end, which by narrative laws suggests that it's the true point that everything else should be building up to--suddenly adds in about a hundred new dimensions at once. It wants us to engage with "what in this abuser/manipulator's life led him to act this way?" for basically the first time all game (we'll get to Akechi later). It wants us to engage with, "if the manipulator has a really good reason or good intentions, does that mean we should forgive them?" It requires us to reflect on, "what is the difference between control and cruelty?" It asks, "okay, but if people could be controlled into being happy, would that be okay?" (Which, based on the game so far, is actually a wild out-there hypothetical! Literally not a single thing we've seen in the game suggests that could ever happen. Even the people who think being controlled is safer and easier are miserable under it. Control that's able to lead to actual happiness is completely out of left field in the context of everything we've encountered all game so far.)

That's too much! We don't have time to unpack all that! We only have an eighth of the game left! Not to mention we are also being asked to bring back questions we put to bed much earlier in the game about the morality of our own actions, in a wholely unsatisfying way. Maruki attempts to justify his mass brainwashing because "it's the same as what you're doing", and we know it isn't, but the game didn't need Maruki calling it out in order for us to get that. We already faced that question when we started changing hearts, and again several times throughout the game, and again when we found our targets in Yaldabaoth's cells. The fact that we change hearts does not mean we think "changing hearts is fine and kind and should be done to everyone, actually." Changing hearts has been firmly established in this game as an act of violence, acceptable only because it prevents further systemic violence against innocents that we must prevent. The moral question has never once been about whether it's ok to change the hearts of the innocent, only about how far it's ethical to go against individuals who are actively hurting other people. Saying "you punched that guy to keep him from shooting a child, so punching people is good and I will save the world by punching everyone!" is confusing! and weird! and not actually at all helpful to the question of, how much violence is it acceptable to use to protect others! So presenting the question that way just falls really flat.

(And right, I love Strikers, because Strikers has time to unpack all that. Strikers can give us a main bad guy who wants to control the whole world for everybody's own good, because Strikers has earned that thematic climax. It has given us sympathetic bad guys who started out wanting to control the world to protect themselves and ended up going too far. It's given us Mariko Hyodo, who wanted to control the world to protect other people and went too far. It's given us a long-running thread about police, the desire to serve, and the abuse of power that can lead to. And since we are actively trying to care for the people whose hearts we're changing in Strikers, we can open the door to questions about using changes-of-heart and that level of control to make other people happy. We can even get a satisfying conclusion out of that discussion, because we have space to characterize the difference--Konoe thinks that changing peoples' hearts means confining them, but the Phantom Thieves think it means setting them free. We have seen enough sympathetic villains that we as an audience have had the space to figure out how we feel about that, and to understand the game's perspective of "stop them AND save them, if we can possibly do both." And that message STILL rests firmly on Persona 5's message of "it is Good to do what you have to do to stop an abuser so long as you don't catch innocent people in your crossfire.")

It's worth noting that the general problem of 'asking way too many new questions and then not answering them' also applies to how Royal treats its characters, too. P5 did have unanswered questions left at the end! The biggest one, and we all knew this, was Akechi, and what actually happened to him, and how we should feel about him, and how he felt about us. That was ripe for exploring in our bonus semester, and to Royal's credit they did in fact try to bring it up, but by god did they fuck up doing it.

Akechi's probable death in the boiler room was absolutely the biggest dangling mystery of the game. It was an off-screen apparent death of a key antagonist, so all of the narrative rules we know suggested that he might still be alive and would probably come back if the story went on for long enough. So when Royal brings him back on Christmas Eve, hey, great! Question answered. Except that the situation is immediately too good to be true, and immediately leads to another mystery, which leads to a flat suspicion that something must be wrong. We spend several hours of gameplay getting sly hints that, oooh, maybe he's not really alive after all, before it's finally confirmed by Maruki: yup, he really died, if we end the illusion we'll kill him too. Okay, at least we know now. Akechi is alive right now and he's going to be dead if we do this, and that doesn't make a ton of sense because every other undead person disappeared when the person who wished for them realized they were fake but at this point we'll take it. So we take down Maruki, and okay, Akechi really is dead! Probably! We're fairly sure! Aside from our lingering doubts!

And then we catch a glimpse of maybe-probably-could be him through the train window, and I just want to throw something, because come on.

Look, it is just a fact of storytelling: the more times you make an audience ask 'wait, is this character dead or aren't they?', the less they will care, until three or four reversals later you will be hard pressed to find anybody who gives a shit. Royal does this like four different times, and every iteration comes with even less certainty than the last. By the end, we somehow know even less than we did when we started! Did Akechi survive the boiler room to begin with and Maruki just didn't know? Or was Maruki lying to try and manipulate us further? Or was he actually dead and then his strength of will when Maruki's reality dissolved was enough to let him survive after all? Is that even actually him out the train window?

Where is he going! What is he doing! How did any of this happen! What is going on! We all had these questions about Akechi at the end of the original P5, and the kicker is that Royal pretends like it's going to answer them only to go LOL JK NO. It's frustrating and it's dissatisfying and it annoys me.

The one Akechi question that Royal doesn't even bother to ask, though, let alone leave ambiguous, is how does the protagonist feel about him? The entire emotional weight of the third semester rests on the protagonist caring about Akechi, Sumire, and Maruki. Maruki's the person we're supposed to sympathize with even as we try to stop him. Sumire's the person we're trying to save from herself. And Akechi is our bait--is, we are told, the one thing our protagonist wished for enough to actualize it in this world himself. Akechi's the final lure to accept Maruki's deal. Akechi's survival is meant to be tempting.

For firm Akechi fans, this probably worked out fine--the game wanted to insist that the protagonist cared for Akechi the same way the player did. For those of us who're a little more ambivalent, though (or for the many and valid people who hated him), this is a super sour note. Look, one of the Persona series' strengths is the way it lets players choose to put their time and emotional investment into an array of different characters, so the main story still has weight even if there's a couple you don't care about that much. It has always done this. The one exception, from P3 all the way through P4 to here and now, is Nanako Dojima, and by god she earned that distinction. I have never met a person who played Persona 4 who didn't love Nanako. Nanako is a neglected six-year-old child who is brave and strong enough to take care of herself and all of the housework but who still tries not to cry when her dad abandons her again and lights up like the sun when we spare her even the tiniest bit of time and attention. It is impossible not to care for Nanako. Goro Akechi is not Nanako.

And yet third semester Royal doesn't make sense if your protagonist doesn't feel linked to Akechi. The one question, out of all the brand new questions Royal throws out there, that it decides to answer all by itself--and it's how you as a player and your protagonist ought to feel about an extremely complex and controversial character. What the fuck, Royal. What the fuck.

In conclusion, I'll leave you with this. I played the original Persona 5 in March and April of 2017, as an American, a few months after the 2016 election and into the term of our then president. It felt painfully timely. A quick calendar google early on indicated that the game's 20XX was almost certainly 2016, and the closer our plot got to the in-game November leadup to an election destined to be dominated by a foul and charming man full of corruption and buoyed up by his own cult of personality, the more I wanted to laugh/cry. It felt timely. It felt important. It felt right.

I went through Royal (in LP form on youtube, not having a platform to play it on) in summer of 2020, with a hook full of face masks by my front door and protests about racial tension and local policing that occasionally turned into not-quite-riots close enough to hear at night if I opened the windows of my apartment. The parts of the game that I remembered felt as prescient and meaningful as ever, if not even more so. The new parts felt baffling. Every single evil in the game felt utterly, painfully real, from the opening moments of police brutality to the idea of a country led by a guy who probably would use his secret illegitimate teenage son as a magical assassin if the opportunity presented itself and he thought he could get away with it. Yaldabaoth as the cumulative despair of an entire population who just wanted somebody to take over and make things be okay--yes, yes, god, in summer of 2020? With streets full of people refusing to wear masks and streets full of people desperate for change? Of course. Of course that holy grail of safety should be enticing. Of course it should be terrifying.

And then Maruki. Maruki, who was just so far outside the scope of anything I could relate to the rest of the game or my own life. Because every single other villain in the rest of Persona is real. From the petty pandering principal to the human-trafficking mob boss. The corrupt politicians and the manmade god of cultural desire for stability. And this game was trying to tell me that the very biggest threat of all of them, the thing that was worse than the collective force of all society agreeing to let this happen because succumbing was easier than fighting back--that the very biggest threat of all was that the world could be taken over by some random nobody's misguided attempts to help?

No. Fuck no. I don't buy it. Because god, yes, I have seen the pain and damage done on a tiny and personal and very real level by the tight-fisted control of someone trying to help, it never looked like this. Not some ascended god of a bad therapist. All the threats to the world, and that's the one I'm supposed to take seriously? This one man is more of a threat than the fundamental human willingness to be controlled?

Sorry, but no. Not for me. Not in this game. Not in this real-life cyberpunk dystopian apocalypse.

[eldritchteaparty]

Chapters: 19/22 Fandom: The Magnus Archives (Podcast) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist Characters: Martin Blackwood, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Sasha James, Rosie Zampano, Oliver Banks, Original Elias Bouchard, Peter Lukas, Annabelle Cane, Melanie King, Georgie Barker, Alice "Daisy" Tonner, Basira Hussain, Allan Schrieber Additional Tags: Post-Canon, Fix-It, Post-Canon Fix-It, Scars, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, I'll add characters and tags as they come up, Reference to injuries and blood, Character Death In Dream, Nudity (not sexual or graphic), Nightmares, Fighting, Spiders Summary: Following the events of MAG 200, Jon and Martin find themselves in a dimension very much like the one they came from--with second chances and more time.

Chapter summary: The group settles on a course of action much faster than Martin imagined they would.

Chapter 19 of my post-canon fix-it fic is up! Read at AO3 above or read here below.

Tumblr master post with links to previous chapters is here.

***

Martin was still tired as they drew close to Hill Top Road the next morning. It wasn’t surprising; the best sleep he’d gotten, other than the first few hours he’d slept before the spiders, had been in Allan’s car on the way out. He’d slept completely through their stop in Canterbury, where Allan had picked up his lab equipment. He woke up with his head on Jon’s shoulder in the back seat of the car, just a few miles from their destination.

“Ow,” he said as he straightened up, his neck cracking.

“I told you you could stay home,” Jon said. “You barely slept.”

“Don’t.” Martin was cross as he rolled his neck, trying to work out the cramp, and Jon put a hand on his arm.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“It’s all right.”

That about doubled the number of words they’d said to each other that morning—and now they were here, back at Hill Top Road. From the street, the house appeared less foreboding than it had the last time; it seemed brighter, somehow, despite the cloudiness of the day. Maybe the owner had been back—or maybe the most recent occupant had left.

Martin waited for Tim to get out of the seat in front of him, then got out of the car himself. He hadn’t really spoken to Tim directly since he’d shown up yesterday, and wasn’t at all sure how Tim was feeling toward him. He was therefore both reassured and taken back when Tim put a hand on his shoulder on his way to the boot of the car.

I must be looking pretty good, he thought. They’re not even asking if I’m ok anymore.

It was just the four of them; Elias and the others had opted to stay together at the house. Jon had of course wanted to go, and that meant Martin went too; Tim had also made up his mind to go once he knew Jon was going. Martin watched as Allan opened the boot and began to pull out a number of padded carrying cases of different sizes, handing a few to Tim as he did.

“I know I fell asleep, sorry—what exactly are you—”

“We’re going to attempt to measure this—gap between the dimensions.” He handed Martin one final bag, and closed the boot as he did. “All of these instruments are designed to measure different types of energy.”

“They’re all from your lab?”

“Most of them,” Allan said, a small grin on his face; Tim shook his head.

“If I get in trouble for any of that—”

“I told you, no one will even know they’re missing. We’ll get it all back this afternoon.”

“So wait—this will show what, that the gap—exists?” Martin asked.

Allan shrugged. “Well—in all honesty, not really. If we get no unusual readings, that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It could just mean we don’t know how to measure it. And if we do—it doesn’t really tell us why. It would just be—well, consistent with some combination of my ideas about the entities and dimensional travel, really.”

“Um—oh. Ok.”

Jon sighed, and Martin recognized it specifically as Jon’s impatient sigh. It was one he had heard a lot in the past, although not so much recently. He supposed from Jon’s perspective, it was kind of a waste of time to not really prove the existence of something he already knew was there. As far as Martin was concerned, though, they could take all the time they wanted.

As they approached the porch, Martin found his impression from the street had been correct. There were many fewer cobwebs on the porch than there had been the last time. The lock, however, was still broken when Jon tried the door, which suggested the owner had not been back.

“You think she’s gone?” he asked Jon.

“Yes.”

“Who?” Tim looked at them suspiciously.

“Annabelle,” Jon replied casually.

“Annabelle.” Tim halted at the top of the steps on the front porch. “She’s here? Was here?”

“Was. I would have said something if—" He trailed off as he saw the look on Tim’s face. “Yes, well, the point is she’s not here.”

“Sure,” Tim said, in a way that made it clear he was not at all sure, but he did follow the rest of them into the house.

“This way.” Jon led them back to the spot in the center of the house where the scarred floorboards resided.

He’s so confident. Martin remembered how different it had been the last time they were here. Jon had been so sick; he had been grasping at straws for any way to regain his connection to the Eye. Martin certainly hadn’t wanted that to happen, but he also hadn’t wanted him to be miserable. Now, though, Jon was pushing ahead, jumping in—he was eager, excited even. Given the circumstances, Martin didn’t like it much more than he had liked things the last time they were here.

“That’s it?” Allan said, staring down at the floor. “Not really what I was expecting.”

“Well—obviously it’s not the gap itself,” Jon explained with slight irritation, as if he were offended at Allan’s disappointment. “It’s a representation of it. Certainly someone would have reported it if it were a cavernous maw extending into the infinite reaches of—”

“Yes, all right,” Allan, unbothered, set down the equipment he was carrying and seated himself on the floor next to it. “Let’s see—Tim, bring those over here, please.”

“Yes, sir.” Tim set his bags down on the floor next to Allan and stepped back near Martin to observe.

“So I’m thinking—hmm—let’s just start with this.” He unpacked a small handheld meter and held it up for them to see. “This is a Geiger counter.”

Tim raised his eyebrows. “That’s for radiation, right?”

“Yes,” Allan replied, as he pressed a button and the instrument’s screen flickered to life. He looked up in their direction just long enough to catch the anxious look on Martin’s face.

“No need to worry,” Allan said cheerfully as he stood up. “I’ll be looking at this from several angles, and this is just somewhere to start. Don’t let the idea of radiation bother you. There’s some level of radiation around us all the time—background radiation, it’s completely—well, not harmless, exactly, but well within the bounds of what the human body can withstand. This particular instrument is sensitive enough that we should be able to see relatively minor deviations from what we’d expect.”

“Oh,” Martin said, not knowing what else to say.

“All right, here we go.” Allan held the instrument up in the air and pressed a button and waited while it emitted an uneven series of a few clicks, and then checked the screen. He repeated this several more times, then nodded.

“Well?” Tim asked.

“Oh, sorry. I haven’t really done anything yet, just measuring background levels. Nothing out of the ordinary, pretty much what you’d expect for this part of England. But now I’ll know what I’m comparing to when I measure—that.” He gave another unimpressed look at the jagged mark running over the floor before bending over it with the instrument in hand. He moved it close to the mark and repeated the same process of measurements—pressing a button and then waiting for the clicks, then repositioning it to another spot, pressing the button and waiting again. “Huh.”

“What?” Martin couldn’t read Allan’s expression at all.

“Nothing,” Allan said, shrugging as he stood straight again. “I was averaging in my head, of course, so I might not be quite right, but—it would be like taking your temperature and reading 37 degrees exactly.”

Martin was relieved, but Jon, standing apart from the rest of the group, did not seem to be feeling the same way.

“Well, let’s move on,” Allan said, returning to his equipment pile and choosing a new device. “Let’s try this one. It’s for—oh—electromagnetic fields, radio frequencies—it’s sort of a cheap piece of equipment, actually, not very precise—but it should give us a good general picture.” He squatted down next to the mark on the floor again, adjusted a dial on the instrument, and began to move it closer and further away. He adjusted the dial several times as he continued to move it around the floor.

“Still nothing,” he said after a few minutes, sitting back on his haunches.

“Then that’s not the right way to measure it,” Jon said.

“I said when we came in that was a strong possibility,” Allan said, but it was clear Jon didn’t like this turn of events. “I’ve got a few more things we can—"

“It’s here,” Jon said.

“Can’t you just know the right way to measure it, then?” Tim’s tone was sarcastic, but Jon paused.

“Well…” He concentrated for a moment, then shook his head. “No. Apparently I can’t.” His growing frustration was obvious.

“Hey.” Now that Martin was starting to feel a bit easier about everything, he felt a little bit bad for Jon. “That’s—that’s all right. That just means we’ll need more time to—”

Martin’s attempt at soothing him didn’t work. “But it’s right there. Damn it, I know it’s there. I can feel it, it’s like it’s just on the other side of—”

“Oh,” Allan said. Martin’s eyes jumped back to the instrument in his hand, still hovering just over the mark in the floor, and there was some kind of movement on the digital screen. A moment later, it had gone quiet again.

“What was that?” Tim asked.

“I don’t know.” Allan frowned. “It’s like there was a sudden—pulse of electrical activity. A lot of it.”

“Jon,” Tim said, looking over at him, “did you do something? While you were talking?”

“That couldn’t possibly—” Allan started to say, but Jon cut him off.

“Yes,” Jon said. “I—I don’t know, I was looking for the—well, really, the tape—it’s—”

“Oh,” Allan said again, as the numbers on the screen resumed their movement. He walked it intently over different parts of the floor, then moved it further away and then closer again. Martin couldn’t really follow the whole thing from where he was standing, but Allan’s body language was enough to concern him. “This—this doesn’t make sense. Even if—Jon, stop. Whatever you’re doing, stop.”

“All right.”

“Incredible,” Allan said after a moment had passed. “That really shouldn’t be possible. There’s no—” He stood and walked toward Jon, and extended the meter toward him. “Do it one more time.”

“Don’t—” Martin started.

“I’m all right,” Jon snapped, but then softened as Martin felt the slight sting of his tone. “I’m—I’ll be careful. I’m fine right now.”

Allan was concentrating hard as he looked at the screen. “What was—have you done it yet?”

“No, I was—”

“It’s just that—never mind. Do it again. If—if you’re ok.”

Jon nodded, and glanced briefly in Martin’s direction. “I’m ok.”

Martin watched as Allan moved the instrument around Jon for the next thirty seconds or so, again switching the dial several times.

“Well?” Tim asked, as Allan stepped away.

“I don’t know,” he said hoarsely. “Tim, can you—can you fetch the Geiger counter for me again?”

Tim did, and Allan stood back from Jon as he held it up into the air again. They heard the occasional irregular click as he did.

“So for now, don’t, um—just don’t,” he said as he stepped toward Jon. The frequency of the clicks began to increase as he moved the meter closer to his head, and Allan made a small sound in his throat as he flipped a switch on the instrument. “Let’s just—keep the sound off for right now.”

Martin could feel some of the blood drain from his face.

“Ok, now—know something,” Allan asked.

“What?” Jon said. “Sorry, it’s always difficult to think of—”

“Anything. Just not the—the gap. I want to see if—”

“Did I have coffee or tea this morning?” Tim asked.

Jon thought. “Coffee.”

“Stop,” Allan said. “Stop.” He took a step back, white faced, and looked at Jon as if he had just appeared there.

“What?”

“Can I ask—how long did you say you’ve been doing this?”

“Knowing things? Uh—a few years? I mean—not always like this, at first it was much harder, and—"

“A few years.” Allan turned the thought over. “Ok. I’m going to say this once—because I think you should know. I don’t see—I don’t see how you’re—well, alive.”

There were long seconds of silence before Jon answered.

“I’m fine.”

Martin exploded. “You are not fine.”

“I just meant in the sense that—”

“I know, and—”

“I am alive. That is the point.”

More long seconds ticked by.

“You heal though, right?” Tim said quietly. “Like—after you—like when I found you in front of the Institute.”

“Yes.” A look of sudden understanding passed across Jon’s face. “Yes, that’s right. That—that would make sense.”

“Would it?” Allan looked at Martin. “You, um—sorry to—you’re—well, you’re sharing a room, so—I imagine you’re—close?”

Martin wasn’t sure what Allan was getting at. “Um—”

“Yes. He heals too. Or, he has, in the past.” Oh, Martin thought, after he heard Jon’s answer.

Oh.

“Wait. Are you saying that being near Jon is—”

“I don’t know,” Allan said. “I really don’t know. This is entirely unprecedented. It really shouldn’t—” He started to say something else, but hesitated.

“What?” Jon asked.

“I—” he hesitated again. “I want to do more tests, but I’m not sure if it’s—well, entirely ethical.”

“To ask me to keep going, you mean.”

“Yes.”

“It’s fine.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

Allan looked at Martin.

“It’s not up to me,” Martin said.

Allan looked between Martin and Jon. “I’m, uh—I’m going to run out to the car for some extra equipment. Tim, come with me? I could use your help.”

“Sure,” Tim answered, and followed him out.

Martin waited a moment after they were gone, then said quietly, “I’m not sleeping away from you.”

“Martin.” Jon walked over to where he was standing and reached out to touch Martin’s hand. “Of course not. That’s ridiculous.”

“Good.” He had more to say, but he didn’t.

“Come on. That’s not what this is about. You don’t want me to do this.”

Martin sighed. “Fine. No, I don’t. I don’t want you to do any of this. Not just the tests, or whatever. Like—any of this.”

“I have to,” Jon said. “You know that.”

“Why do you think I didn’t say it? I can’t stop you. And I’d rather you not shut me out.”

“Martin, that—” He stopped himself, and squeezed Martin’s hand instead. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.”

Martin let his hand fall away as Allan and Tim returned; Allan had put on a long-sleeved lab coat, and was holding a pair of gloves and a mask. “Just a precaution,” he said. “If you want to go ahead.”

“Yes,” Jon said. “I do.”

Martin watched as Allan pulled out yet another meter from a different bag. “Martin—can you hand me that?” he asked, indicating the case Martin was still carrying. He’d forgotten about it.

“Oh. Sure.” Martin handed it to him and he began to unpack that as well.

“So—this is so I can record the readings,” he said, as he pulled some wires out and began to connect them to the new meter. “And this is—it uses a more powerful method of detection than the Geiger counter. It’s not as sensitive, but that’s, uh—well, that’s not going to be an issue.”

Martin suddenly realized how much he didn’t want to be there anymore.

“I’m going outside. I’ll just be out front.” Without waiting for anyone’s reaction, he made his way back to the front of the house. He stood on the porch, his arms folded and resting on the railing. He looked out over the lawn. The rest of the neighborhood, apart from this house, really was a suburb. It seemed nice enough; maybe not a great neighborhood, but not a bad one, certainly. It hadn’t really done anything to deserve this awful place.

He sat and watched the clouds roll overhead and wondered it if would rain. He tried not to think too much about what was going on inside the house, what they were doing and where it would lead. He had no idea how long he had been standing there when he became aware that he wasn’t alone.

“Hey,” Tim said, as Martin looked over at him.

“Hey,” Martin answered, then went back to looking up at the sky. “So—what’s going on in there?”

“I don’t know,” Tim said. “It’s like some sort of weird playdate? It’s over my head. Allan keeps turning dials and saying things like incredible and amazing and then Jon—”

“Never mind,” Martin said. “Just—is he keeping himself together? Jon, I mean?”

“He seems to be.”

They looked out at the sky and lawn together.

“Martin,” Tim said eventually, “I know I said this before, but I want you to know I meant it. Jon is lucky to have you.”

“Hm.”

“Listen, I know—I know this has to be hard for you. Before we—before we make any decisions, I want you to know that—”

“Don’t,” Martin said coldly.

“All right.” Tim nodded and returned to looking back over the railing. “Do you want to be alone?”

No, Martin thought. I don’t ever want to be alone again. He wanted to scream it.

Instead, he just said, “Not particularly.”

“Good,” Tim said. “I don’t particularly want to go back in there.”

***

“So—wait,” Melanie said, looking at Allan over her half-empty dinner plate. “You’re saying you don’t really know anything at all, then?”

“Well, yes and no.” He was struggling to find words as they sat together in the great room again. “What I’m saying is—from a scientific perspective, which of course is why I’m here—there’s no way to know what any of this means. I’ve never heard of anything like this before. It’s completely unique, as far as I know.”

“So we can’t prove there’s a gap between dimensions, and we can’t prove the entities exist,” Sasha clarified.

“Correct,” Allan said. “I can’t even begin to suggest a mechanism for anything I saw today.”

“But you did see something today,” Melanie prodded.

“Well—yes,” Allan said. “That’s an understatement. We saw massive fluctuations of energy just—across almost the entire spectrum. And—again, I have no way to explain it or understand it, but—Jon does appear to be able to manipulate it, to some extent.”

“Well, that’s definitely something,” Melanie said. “You said you recorded your readings. Do you think you’ll learn anything else from going back through them?”

“Not—not in a way that could help us. It will take years to even begin to make any real sense of this. As—as a scientist. To be perfectly clear, I—I can’t vouch for any particular course of action. I have no way of verifying that there has ever been any travel across dimensions, or that—starting an apocalypse would provide the energy required to do it again, or—or that anything we discussed yesterday is even a possibility.”

“As a scientist,” Georgie repeated. “What about—as a person? What do you think?”

“I’m—I’m not sure that’s really what’s important here.”

“Yes, it is.” It was one of the few things Elias had said at all since they’d come home.

“I agree,” Sasha said. “I’d like to know what you think.”

“Well—personally”—he looked around at the group— “after what I’ve heard from all of you, and after talking with Elias last night—I believe Jon.”

It was quiet for a moment as the group absorbed this. Martin’s stomach, which had already rejected even the concept of any food he’d thought about putting in it that night, tightened painfully.

“Ok,” Georgie said slowly. “Well—for the sake of argument—Jon, do you really think you could do it? Could you—could you really move us to another dimension? In a way that—well, will actually help things?”

“I can do it,” Jon said, without hesitation.

“No,” Martin said.

The discomfort was tangible; Martin could tell nobody wanted to speak.

“Martin,” Sasha finally said, “why—why are you so against this?”

“I’ve already said. It’s too dangerous.”

“So you think he can’t do it? That it won’t work?”

Martin drew his hand down firmly over his mouth.

“Say what you have to say,” Jon urged him. Martin didn’t care for how calm he was. “They should hear it.”

Martin stared at him. “Ok, fine. Fine, I’ll say it. If you think you can do it—I’m sure you can. I’m just not sure you will. What if—what if this time—what if the Eye finally just takes you?”

“It won’t. It didn’t last time.”

“Didn’t it?”

“No. Not—not like that. I still—I still got to choose.”

“And we still don’t know what Annabelle’s been trying to get you to do.”

“She doesn’t matter.”

“Oh, really?”

“Do you believe me that I’ll never let them out of here? The entities? That’s what she wants.”

Martin paused; he knew his panic was coming across to everyone. “Yes. But that’s not—even if you don’t—look, if it fails, that’s it for us. We’re stuck in an apocalypse. This world is stuck in an apocalypse. You said that yourself.”

“And it’s still true. It is a risk. But I don’t think I’ll fail.”

“But what happens to you? What if—what if we lose you?”

Jon looked away.

“Jon?” Georgie prompted.

“It’s—it’s a possibility.”

“How much of a possibility?” Georgie asked.

“It’s—um—” Jon cleared his throat. “It’s not unlikely.”

“I see,” Sasha said.

“That matters, right?” Martin somehow managed to get the words out. “Tell me that matters to the rest of you.”

“Of course it matters,” Sasha said. “I didn’t—"

“No, it doesn’t,” Jon said.

“Jon—”

Several people began to talk at the same time, but it was Tim who won out.

“Listen,” he said. “Listen. I know—I know this is going to sound awful, but—I agree with Jon.”

“It does sound awful,” Sasha reprimanded him. “It sounds completely awful.”

“Just hear me out.” Tim spoke his words slowly and deliberately. “If I were Jon—if I could stop this—if I had this chance to—to save the people they haven’t hurt yet—I would. I wouldn’t hesitate. And I wouldn’t want anyone to stop me.”

“Yes, you would,” Jon said. “You did.”

“And—I know I’ve been angry—but this isn’t about that. It’s not because I blame him. It’s because he’s the only one who can. I think—I think this should be Jon’s choice. That’s all.”

“Thank you, Tim.” Jon was still calm, controlled. Martin hated it.

Tim briefly met Martin’s eyes before looking down to the floor in front of him. “And I wouldn’t wait. I’d—I’d want to just do it. If we really can’t learn anything else, I say we do it soon. Tomorrow, if we can. Prevent as much further damage as possible.”

“I agree,” Jon said.

“No,” Martin said. “That’s insane. Are you insane?” He looked around at the group; none of them would look back at him. “Have you all lost your minds? Are you considering this?”

“I—I don’t know,” Sasha said, finally raising her face. “Are we?”

“Jesus Christ.” Martin got to his feet, not really sure where he was going; he was halfway there before he realized he was headed for the door to the back of the house. Behind him, he heard several people speaking, although he had no idea if they were talking to him; he couldn’t process it anymore. He couldn’t think at all until he felt the cool night air on his face. He stopped, heart pounding, and crumpled onto the porch against the back of the house. For the first time in his recent memory, he wanted to cry; of course, now he couldn’t make the tears come.

Behind him, he heard the door open and close.

“Go away.” He didn’t really care who it was.

“I’d rather not.” Beside him, Jon lowered himself onto the porch; for some reason, Martin had assumed it would be one of the others. He was surprised to find he felt slightly mollified. “We don’t have to talk. It’s just—I don’t have anywhere else I want to be right now.”

“Come off it. Go back in and keep explaining why you need to martyr yourself.”

“I’ve said what I need to say. It’s better if they talk without us.”

Martin sighed heavily. “They’re going to go for it, aren’t they?”

Jon didn’t answer him. Instead, he moved closer to Martin, leaning into him and resting his head on his shoulder. Hollow as he felt, Martin didn’t even think; his automatic response was to put his arm around Jon, pulling him in even closer. He pressed his lips to the top of Jon’s ear.

“We never had a chance, did we,” he said. “The two of us.”

“We still might.”

“You don’t really believe that.”

“I never believed we’d be here, either.” Jon said.

“That’s not very reassuring.”

Jon turned so that his back was against Martin’s chest, and Martin did what he always did; he slipped his hand up under the edge of Jon’s shirt, bringing it up to the scar on Jon’s ribcage. Instead of protesting or merely tolerating it, though, this time Jon brought his own hand to rest over Martin’s on the outside of his shirt.

“I loved you here too, you know,” Jon said quietly. “Before this, I mean. In this world.”

“Oh, I know,” Martin said.

“Well. Here I thought I was making a grand romantic confession, but—never mind, I guess.”

“No, it’s—I’m sorry.” He kissed Jon’s temple softly by way of apology. “Thank you. I just meant now that—now that we’ve been together, now that I know what you’re like when you—it’s sort of obvious, looking back. Plus, there was your pin.”

“My pin?”

“You know—when we had forgotten everything when we first—and you couldn’t remember your pin number on your laptop.”

“Oh,” Jon said, and even in the dark Martin saw a smile play across his lips. It had been too long since he had seen Jon smile. “Right. I used your birthday. That’s—is it odd that I feel embarrassed?”

“Frankly, yes.”

“Sasha just—she insisted I set it in front of her, and then she kept guessing them—”

“Because you kept typing 1234.”

“Well—yes, but—anyway, it just came into my head, and I knew no one would ever guess, because—because I was never going to tell anyone how I felt. Especially not you.”

“Yeah, well—I wasn’t going to either.” He held Jon tighter. “We’re a couple of idiots. You know that, right?”

“Yes.” Jon turned his face up and back, and Martin couldn’t help but kiss him.

“Martin,” Jon said, “I know—I know I’ll never change your mind.”

“If it were me, you would never go along with it. You would never let me—you didn’t, actually.”

“I—” Jon paused. “No. You’re right. I’m asking you to do something I couldn’t do.”

“Thank you.”

“I just—I want you to understand. I want you to hear me.” He paused.

“I’m listening.”

“Nothing will ever fix what I’ve done.”

“You didn’t do this. Jonah Magnus did this. The Web did this. The—never mind. Go on.”

“Nothing will ever undo it. Every day I think about—about Sasha. And Tim. And Daisy. The other ones, the ones who—and an entire world of human beings who suffered because of things I did. And then there’s everyone here in this world who—none of them should ever have—” Jon’s voice cracked. “But I can stop it. I can make it so it doesn’t get worse. Or at least—at least give it a real chance. And I have to try.”

“And you have to try tomorrow.”

“Tim was right, Martin. Every day that passes like this is—”

“Tim is just worried about Danny.”

“Is that wrong of him?”

“I—no. No, I guess not. My point is just that it’s not like he’s—it’s still completely selfish.”

“He’s not being any more selfish than you.”

“I know that.” His chest ached as he breathed in, and he sighed reflexively. Jon turned just enough to tuck his head against Martin’s collarbone, and he felt his chest loosen just a little. “Ok, but really—what about Annabelle? That’s not being selfish. We both know what she wants—but we have no idea how she’s trying to get it. And we’re probably walking into it.”

“Probably.”

“Well then, why—”

“Because I don’t intend to give it to her.”

“But that’s exactly the point, we don’t know how—”

“Do you really think that waiting will solve that? Even if she is trying to push me—do you really think that she won’t just—change tactics? Adapt?”

“I—I don’t know.”

“If we wait to—I don’t know, learn something, let something happen that she doesn’t want—do you really believe she won’t have some other plan?”

He hadn’t ever thought that far ahead, to what would happen after they waited, whatever that meant. He realized with a sinking heart that no, he didn’t really believe it.

“But then—why are we doing anything at all? Why are we even bothering? If we can’t ever do the right thing—”

“Because we have to try. I have to try. I just do. Doing nothing would be—and maybe—maybe we’ll get lucky.”

“Yeah. That—that’s our thing, for sure. Luck.”

Jon reached for Martin’s free hand, the one that wasn’t against his heart, and pulled it to his mouth; he kissed each knuckle in turn. “We haven’t been entirely unlucky.”

Martin was out of things to say. Once more, Jon had already won. Everyone in the room behind them was deciding to go ahead with this stupid plan. There was nothing he could do that was going to stop it.

Well—as he thought about it, he did have one more thing to say.

“Jon—I don’t—I don’t want to go into this like—like last time. So—just so you know—nothing’s changed. I’m going with you. Wherever that is.”

Jon held his breath for a moment before answering. “And if I can save you—"

“Then you’d better save both of us.”

“Martin—”

“No. You know what’s out there for me without you, and—I don’t want it. You can’t—" Jon turned suddenly in his arms, so that Martin’s hand slid from his ribs to his shoulder.

He kissed him.

“Jon—”

“Please.”

They were still kissing several minutes later when Jon abruptly sat up; he opened his mouth to say something, but then learned back in toward Martin.

“No,” Martin said, putting a hand up to Jon’s face. “You know something, don’t you? They decided and you know.”

Jon nodded, sliding his hand over Martin’s as he did. “Yes.”

“Ok.”

“They want to do it. Tomorrow.”

***

It was hours later; Martin didn’t know how long he had lain awake. He’d come back to the bedroom on his own at first; he’d stayed for some of the planning, listened to their excitement, their nerves, their arguing—but it had quickly gotten to the point where he couldn’t do it anymore. He knew where he would be anyway, and that was with Jon; he had nothing else to contribute. The looks he’d gotten when he’d stood up had been seared into his consciousness, a mixture of worry and pity.

“Martin,” Sasha called to him as he was leaving, “are you—”

“Yes,” he’d said.

He’d gone to brush his teeth before getting in bed. He didn’t know what possessed him, particularly, but when he saw his reflection in the mirror, he did something he hadn’t done in a long while. He removed his shirt to look at his own scars. They were still there; they were exactly the same as they had been on the day he’d first seen them, dark red to pale white, torn and jagged and alternately smooth.

He was tired, he’d realized. He wanted to sleep, of course, he was still exhausted from the night before—but it was more than that. This was all just enough. Maybe it was all right. Maybe he and Jon had already had more time than they were meant to. Maybe it was time to let it go. Just—just so long as he didn’t end up alone.

He’d gotten in bed. He’d almost fallen asleep before Jon had come in, but after Jon had undressed and slipped under the sheets next to him, the restlessness had begun. Each time Jon moved, or sighed, or breathed even a little bit out of rhythm, Martin’s brain nudged him awake again. And now, here he was, sleepless and empty.

He breathed out, trying to reset his mind.

“Martin.”

“Sorry.” He’d thought Jon had been asleep.

“What—no, don’t apologize, just—go to sleep. You need rest for tomorrow.”

“I can’t.”

There was silence, and for a moment, he thought Jon had drifted off again.

“Martin, I’m—I’m not leaving you. I won’t go without you. You need to sleep.”

“I—I know.” He was lying, and Jon knew he was lying.

“Martin, this isn’t—this isn’t like last time. For one thing, I’d—I’d have to steal a car to get back to London on my own. All right? Can you trust me?”

Martin swallowed; that was exactly the problem, he realized. “I want to. I just—”

“Ok. All right. You’re right, of course you—that’s not fair for me to ask. I—hang on.” He saw the light from Jon’s cell phone; he heard him stand up and rummage through the suitcase on his side of the bed before sitting down on the mattress again.

“Jon—”

“Here. Give me your hand.” He held up his arm; Jon grabbed his hand, and Martin realized Jon was trying something around their wrists in the light from the phone.

“What—”

“It’s an old drawstring that pulled out from a pair of shorts. I never took it out of my suitcase.” He grabbed one end of the string in his mouth and pulled with his other hand. “There. I can’t possibly untie that without waking you up.”

“Are you going to be able to sleep?”

“I think so.” Jon turned off the light on his phone, and Martin felt the tug on his arm as Jon leaned over to put it back on the table next to the bed. “Anyway, I’m—I’m all right. You’re—not.”

“This—” Martin started to laugh. “This is ridiculous.”

“Yes. It is. Does it matter?” Jon interlaced his fingers with Martin’s and carefully folded up their bound arms between them; he brought his head to rest on the pillow next to Martin’s shoulder.

“I—I guess not.” He didn’t even realize he was finally crying until Jon reached up with his other hand to touch his cheek. He felt better for it, somehow; feeling something was good. It was better than the emptiness.

“Sleep.”

He did.