#I can’t seem to avoid it and it’s awful bc like

[loverboy-cc]

There’s something so strange about starting to hate a ship I adore bc of its popularity. I’m usually at worst uninterested in ships but I’m growing an actual tangible hatred, it’s so odd.

[moonstruckme]

Hey Mae! I hope your spring has started off well. Idk if this will make sense, but based off recent circumstances in my life I was just kind of thinking about an idea.. what about a reader with a chronic illness and no one outside in her circle of friends really “gets it” and all she goes through bc they’re not home with her and don’t see her everyday (the flares of pain and weakness and fatigue, the medications, self infections, infusions, appointments, tests, not being able to work or do things for yourself or hang out when you want or live a “normal life” and all the fomo) and they don’t see how hard it is both physically and emotionally. And it really gets to her but the guys do see that and they’re supportive and encouraging when she’s having a hard time with it all. Maybe it’s an especially bad week and things build up and they can tell she’s not doing good and how they handle it. It could be regularly poly!marauders or emt!marauders with their medical pov.

Thank you for requesting angel! Hope your spring/sprummer is going well too <33

cw: reader has unspecified chronic illness that flares painfully, discompassionate/ignorant interactions regarding this, joking about murder

poly!marauders x fem!reader ♡ 933 words

Pain is a lonely thing. This is a truth you know so well you think its flavor is in your bone marrow. Take Remus—you know he gets terrible headaches. You can know this, you can watch his face tighten with the agony of them, you could spend an entire afternoon listening to him describe them to you, but you will still never be able to approximate what they feel like for him. He’s isolated in his experience, and so are you. On your worse days, no one can truly understand you. 

But your boyfriends come the closest. 

Your head is in Remus’ lap on your bed, while Sirius lays next to you and James runs a bath in the next room. On the bedside table is a half gone glass of water, downed with the pills you’d needed upon waking this morning. The boys aren’t making a big deal of it all; it’s as much a part of their day as it is yours. 

“What’s happening in your head?” Sirius asks, prompting you to glance up from your phone. 

“Hm?”

He pouts, drawing a short line over your eyebrow with his thumb. “You’re making this awful pouting face.” 

“Am I really?” 

“No.” He cracks a smile. “I can just tell something’s off. Penny for your thoughts?” 

Wordlessly, you pass him your phone. Remus leans over, and Sirius tilts the screen so they can both read the texts you’ve been exchanging with your coworkers. Remus finishes first. He sits back with a disapproving humming noise just before Sirius sets down your phone. 

“Right,” Sirius says, cooly, “so, shall we kill them?” 

You push air out through your nose. “No.” 

“I’d be very generous. Even let them pick between drowning and assassination.” 

“If you were drowning them,” muses Remus, “would it not still be assassination?” 

“Who are we drowning?” James asks as he comes in, wiping his wet hands on his legs. 

Sirius picks up your phone again, reading off, “Stewart and Liz.” 

“Excellent.” James gives his thighs a decisive pat as he sits by your feet on the bed. “What’d they do?” 

“They’re upset she’s not going to the cinema anymore,” Remus explains. 

James’ eyebrows flick up. “Right. I mean, yes, we’re all upset when she’s not with us.” You turn your face into Remus’ thigh bashfully. Sirius snickers, teasing you with a finger under your chin. “But surely they’ll get on just like the rest of us, won’t they?” 

“They don’t seem to grasp why she can’t go,” says Remus, his voice gentling some. He’s hit the nail on the head, and yet it’s a softening of the truth. Your coworkers—the ones around your age, who’ve decided together that you’d like to be friends and have set up a group chat in pursuit of this—have gone from teasing you about your rainchecks to growing plainly frustrated with them. They get that you have bad days with your illness, but they don’t get it. They think you’re avoiding them. When you texted a few minutes ago that you couldn’t make it to the cinema later today, Liz had asked, If you’re going to sit around at home, can’t you sit around in the cinema instead? It’s not like it takes that much more. and Stewart had said, Guess this means you’ll be wanting me to take your shift tomorrow, right? 

“I’m in favor of killing them, by the way,” Remus says offhandedly. 

That surprises a real laugh out of you. It’s short, and the way your shoulders hitch hurts, but it nevertheless makes you feel a tiny bit better. 

Sirius presses a careful kiss beside your eye. “S’exactly what I’m saying,” he mumbles happily. 

“I do wish I could go,” you sigh. 

“Angel,” says James, “you don’t have to justify it to us. We know.”

“You can’t control the narrative other people have in their heads.” Remus’ hand lands on the curve of your neck, warm and grounding. “You can try to explain it to them after you’re feeling better, if you want to, but if they decide not to believe you then that’s their problem.” 

Sirius makes a huff of agreement. “Bunch of fucking twats.” 

“Those are my friends,” you argue half-heartedly. 

“Not for long, they’re not.” 

“Hey.” A pillow sails through the air, missing you by a few inches but hitting Sirius right on the side of his head. James’ voice rings with triumph. “She gets to make the kill orders, shit-stirrer.” 

“I’ll stir your shit—” 

“Or,” Remus suggest peaceably, “the bathwater probably won’t stay warm forever.” 

“Oh, yeah.” James looks to you. “Do you still feel up to that, lovely?” 

You weigh things for a moment, but ultimately you nod. 

“That’s our girl.” Sirius presses a kiss between your brows as James stands. “Don’t give those twats another thought, sweetness. You’ll do better without the stress.” 

“Alright, let’s go.” James claps his hands. You take a breath, setting your hands on the mattress in preparation of lifting yourself up, but he stops you with a touch to your shoulder. “Not like that,” he says, reaching over Sirius to slip his arms beneath you. Without any more effort on your part you’re in the air, grounded by your boyfriend’s warm, firm chest. 

You try not to sound too relieved as you sigh, resting your head in the curve of his neck. 

Remus says, sounding amused, “Sweet how you thought he was going to let you walk to the bath by yourself.” 

“Sweet?” Sirius scoffs. “Insulting, more like. Babe, we’ve just finished discussing how everyone underestimates your bad days. Don’t be a hypocrite.”

[dekusleftsock]

I think that there’s a fundamental misunderstanding of what exactly is…happening with Izuku’s character. Specifically in regards to chapter 425.

I’m glad that a lot more people generally recognize that Izuku is not a character that can be read at a surface level, given that he’s both a repressed person with built up emotion of basically everything and also a very glaringly HUGELY unreliable narrator, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I agree with the ways I’ve seen this most recent chapter spoken about.

I see posts, comments, etc with ideas like “Izuku don’t suppress your emotions! Open up with people! It’ll be okay I promise!” When that’s fundamentally not what is happening here.

There’s always always ALWAYS been a distinct difference in character throughout horikoshi’s writing when he is showing that a character is:

A—Avoiding emotions, thoughts, ideas less than ideal for them. Not opening up when they probably should about their problems given that they’ve been handed the space to do so. Just genuinely not acknowledging, feeling, or expressing emotions that they don’t want.

B—Reflecting on the ways they feel about the world, themselves, or other people given their new perspective on a situation. Not outright reaching out to others to talk about these problems/feelings, but instead waiting until the moment they feel they have the most confidence to do so with their new outlook on their own life.

And genuinely, guys, to grab your BkDk attention rn, this is the exact reason why Ochako’s reflection on her feelings for Izuku and thereafter decision to pull away from them WAS NEVER GOING TO END IN OCHAKO EXPLODING WITH HER LOVE FOR HIM.

This was another common interpretation I saw of Ochako and Izuocha for a long time. That because she pushed these feelings away, they were somehow going to explode in this unbelievable way and she would “get the boy” because of it. That her arc would surround accepting her romantic feelings and that she can’t just push away how she feels for a career.

But yk. That didn’t happen. At all. Nowhere close even.

The same kind of goes for Katsuki, allmight, etc. They all had moments in their arc where it was spent genuinely reflecting, and the only reason we as the audience never connected it in the same ways we do ochako or Izuku was ALWAYS BECAUSE the narrative showed their inner thoughts while doing so (mostly because Allmight’s arc after losing OFA and Katsuki’s arc on what it means to be a hero were so intrinsically tied, both starting at the same time and ending at the same time during the final war. And because they were so tied this caused their own reflections, development, and thought process to be broadcasted to us frequently throughout their arcs… to each other. They also somewhat shared aspects with Izuku, but these were cherry picked more often than not, like dvk2 for example).

To us Katsuki never seemed to be.. idk, suppressing his anger in any way because we were always told what he was doing and why (side note: this is why I’ve always thought arguments against Katsuki were so weird, bc unlike characters like endeavor or Ochako he wasn’t like… hiding who he was and how he was changing. Ever. Like the audience knows at all times past basically season 3 what Katsuki is thinking and doing. Like how do you watch this happen, stare me dead in the eye, and tell me how much of a terrible and awful teenage boy he is. Like damn I didn’t think we were this dumb. This is also my theory as to why he’s most popular, his arc is very… in your face if that makes sense). Katsuki’s entire mini arc on reflecting his mistakes and his childhood and his future is spent TELLING YOU that it’s what he’s doing. (I’m referring mostly to the endeavor internship arc, the provisional license exam makeup, and basically everything in the war arc related to him leading up to bakugou Katsuki rising here)

And see, Horikoshi will stare you dead in the eye, tell you “this girl has taken into consideration that she doesn’t want to waste her time training her career focusing on a boy because he kinda caught her fancy”, and y’all will still say that this will explode in her face.

Y’all this is a series about learning how to manage emotions, maturity in relationship to one’s emotions, how to feel an emotion, but in a way that is helpful. Horikoshi isn’t telling you “go buck wild, feel everything all the time and always express it”, in fact he explores why you DONT do that! Through Toga or Shigaraki, they show how grief and anger can genuinely consume you. But he also shows why you shouldn’t just put everything in a box to never look at or acknowledge, or why you shouldn’t just let your grief destroy the world around you, or pretending that some emotions simply don’t exist.

I can’t say this enough, so let me say it now, mha is about the extremes of your psyche. That you should control something, but not too much. Everything can be harmful. Everything can be good.

Izuku is not controlling too much, he’s expressing just enough.

I LOVE shaming this dickhead at all times in all my posts. I love saying he’s an ignorant dipshit with a weird amount of distaste for a girl who just confessed to him. I’ve joked that chapter 348 is basically an entire chapter spent on Izuku calling Himiko a mean dyke. And yet I also believe he’s doing nothing WRONG here.

In fact, I’ll even say that this moment right here?

ISNT EVEN IZUKU DOING THE SOCIALLY APPROPRIATE THING ABOUT IT! But he’s still TRYING to reach out to someone he thinks MIGHT be able to understand. (And frankly, this moment is far deeper than what it’s being made out to be, to me it reads more like an unrequited friendship that Izuku both desires and has thought of them to have, while simultaneously showing the distance Ochako has successfully wedged between them for her own sake. Maybe it was always there though, maybe in weird, miscommunicated Horikoshi fashion, this is a representation of how Ochako always read all those “fun friend hangouts” as a little more than that, and without those feelings the friendship never really held any substance to her in the first place. Where Izuku saw his first real friend at UA, she saw little more than acquaintance)

Simultaneously, Izuku is genuinely reflecting on what it means for the world to change, to be a hero, to live after loss—and trying and failing to gain the connection he desires from individuals who can not and will not afford him that.

Izuku is ready for the world to change, a few select characters are also ready for the world to change (mirio, for example), but not nearly enough are. So maybe I’ll have to take this back if I’m proven wrong and I accidentally looked into this far past what everyone else did for no reason, but I genuinely believe with moments like this

And this

Aand this

That Izuku has come forward with that aspect of his character development. He’s reflecting on his new beliefs, not repressing his emotions for them.

[jemmo]

i finally caught up on let free the curse of taekwondo and im kinda shocked and speechless at how chillingly mature this show. i don’t quite know how to describe it, its just so… dead and empty, but in an incredibly purposeful way. the mood is so at odds with what it was pre-time skip, where joy and happiness seemed to prevail despite the looming heaviness of the situation. here, the entire feeling is heavy and lifeless, with only the memory of what once was and the lost promise of what could have been left to keep everything from falling into nothingness, which is rather ironic and those are the things dohoe doesn’t want to dwell on, which leads to the question of if not that, what? if he and juyoung can’t build from their old connection, if dohoe wants to start everything anew, how can he do that if even in the present he’s not willing to fully connect?

i just think this show has incredibly fascinating and thoughtful things to say about how trauma works. bc the actual thing is hardly ever talked about, but in every scene you can see its affects seeping out of every character. you feel it hanging dark and looming over everything, the weight of it, and it’s actually so hard to watch bc you know dohoe is not coping. no matter how much he wants to seem like he is, or believe himself he is, no matter how much he wants to believe moving away from his father, and then his father’s death and selling all his things will set him free from the hurt he feels, it won’t happen. that’s the thing with trauma- removing the person that caused it all doesn’t just magically make it go away. time and distance aren’t the simple solutions you want them to be. the feeling, the pain, it lingers and it’s ugly and horrid. and pushing it down and avoiding it can’t make that realisation that it won’t go away go away. you want dohoe to get better and feel better and you know that addressing all the things that have happened to him will help, but when it comes down to it, it feels impossible to ask someone to confront that pain, it feels mean and awful. and so what can juyeong do, when he knows facing these things will help, that they need to talk about it, but when he tries dohoe just pushes him away. if trying to help means he loses dohoe all over again, then what can he do?

and what makes this show even more interesting is that this trauma is shared. yes, dohoe took the brunt of it much more and for much longer, but this isn’t a situation where someone is comforting someone else who has their own trauma they don’t know about, or can’t know about or understand bc they didn’t experience it. not only was juyeong there, but he experienced it too. and i could talk for hours about how interesting it is to see their different responses to that trauma, i just need to talk now about how much heavier all their silences and moments together feel bc you know they went through it together. they experienced the highest highs and lowest lows together and put like that, you’d expect it to be something that brought them together, which it did, in the moment. but now years later it just hangs heavy and unsaid between them, and it makes dohoe treating juyeong like a stranger so weird and hard to watch bc you know they know each other pain and joy so intimately. it makes it both laughable and insufferable to watch juyeong be jealous of hyeonho for knowing dohoe better bc all juyeong can value now is those small trivial details, bc the way he understood dohoe previously is not just lost, but it’s not something dohoe wants to think about. their connection is so rooted and so connected to their trauma that by avoiding it, it makes it impossible for them to connect again and that is just so hard to watch.

and i just need to mention finally the intimate scene in ep 6 bc my god the parallels made me sob. i don’t think ive ever seen a more poignant and affecting depiction of innocence lost than that, bc it works on both a more literal and metaphorical level. literally, we are seeing them be intimate for the first time and all the innocent excitement of that experience and seeing that paralleled to the present where there is none of that excitement bc they have done this before. and it more metaphorically shows even better that they aren’t able to reconnect, aren’t able to start again bc in that moment they can’t recapture that feeling of innocent excitement. it doesn’t feel like the first time over again, which it should if they were truly able to start fresh and connect anew. but they can’t, and instead in the present, you can feel the emptiness of it, only made worse when paralleled against an experience that is so full of emotion. you see them lying side by side afterwards, before facing each other, smiling and shy, and now, distant, not looking at each other, as if they weren’t even next to each other, and as if nothing even happened. you feel every way that moment is lacking, and it’s so stark and awful bc you have just been reminded of what has been lost.

i think this show has just sent me into a spiral of pain, but the worst kind of pain, a numb pain. but you know what hwang daseul, i love it.

[generalllimaginesss]

"Who are you again?" with Nico. I have this thought that he wants to talk to her at a bar and gets nervous and is cocky when he approaches her. And obviously she knows who he is because his face is plastered all over the city. But she can’t stand when men are arrogant so she pretends not to know him and sends him back to his table. Then maybe he sees her at a coffee shop a few days later and he approaches her there too but in a more chill way. And she continues the “who are you again” joke but actually has a conversation with him.

Just like fluffy Nico being awkward and kind of being awful but only bc he’s nervous around the pretty girl.

Honestly I feel like Nico would be the most precious boyfriend ever. Whoever gets him wins in life. But anyways….here ya go! I kind of went a slightly different route with Nico not being very nervous, but I feel like this flows ok. Thank you for requesting! Keep them coming!

••

The bar that you were currently in was loud and slightly obnoxious. Because it was later in the night, the crowd was more rowdy than you cared for, causing you to become irritable with everything.

So here you were, sitting with a friend of yours at a table in the corner, trying to avoid people at all costs, when a group of guys walk through the door, some laughing, some heading to the bar, but one in particular caught your eye.

He was tall, had brown hair that was a little messy, but his smile was hard to miss. It lit up the whole room, a refresher from the scene that had been playing before his presence.

"Is that who I think it is?" Your friend elbowed you, pointing to where the guy was propping himself up against the wall talking to somebody.

As you sat there looking at him longer, trying to place his face, the realization that the guy is Nico Hischier hits you. He's practically the face of hockey in New Jersey, how could you miss that?

You watch as somebody hands him a beer and he takes a sip, his head tipping back slightly and his eyes beginning to take in the people around him. A couple of girls ask to take pictures with him, so he obliges. Some guys go over and talk to him about the game that night, but nothing really caught his attention until he glanced around the room and saw you sitting at a corner table, already looking at him.

Immediately, you break the eye contact, hoping that maybe he wasn't actually looking at you, but he pushes off of the wall and begins to walk in your direction.

"Holy shit he's coming over here," Your friend squeals, adjusting her hair so that she looks presentable.

"Shut up," You hiss, not wanting to seem like a crazy fangirl.

Nico gets intercepted by a guy with a Devils jersey on asking for a picture, but he immediately comes to your table afterwards, pulling a chair out and taking a seat.

Something about how he didn't ask if he could sit with you hit you wrong. Sure, he was famous and good looking, but that didn't mean that he got to do whatever he wanted.

You shifted your weight in your chair, eyebrows knitting together trying to figure the guy out.

"I saw you looking at me over there," Nico nodded his head to the spot where he was at earlier.

"And what about it?" You deadpan, your friend glancing between the two of you.

"I thought you would be interested, but apparently I thought wrong," Nico chuckled, putting his hands on his knees and pushing himself out of the chair to walk off. He took a few steps and stopped, turning towards you once more.

"I'm sorry..." He chuckled, running his fingers through his locks that hung just above his eyes, "...you now who I am, right?"

And that was the icing on the cake for you. You don't typically judge a person by the first couple of things they say to you, but he was so unbearably arrogant that it made your skin crawl. He might have been the captain of a successful NHL team, but the fact that he expected you to know who he was was gross. He was a human. He wasn't some god that graced you with his presence like he thought he was apparently.

"Hm, no I don't think so. Who are you again?" You chuckled, but it held zero emotion behind it. The audacity of this guy completely baffled you.

Nico bit his lip, realizing that he somehow struck a nerve within you. "Oh, I'm sorry, I just assumed-" He started, but was cut off by your harsh tone, "Well you know what they say about assuming? It makes an ass out of you."

You collected your purse and your friend as you left a dumbfounded Nico behind at the table, scratching his neck trying to figure out what just happened.

"What was that about?" Your friend nudged you as you made your way out of the bar and down the street.

"He acted like a pretentious bitch, that's what," Pulling your coat tighter around you, you arranged for an uber to pick you and your friend up and take you home, deciding that it was time to call it a night.

-----

A few weeks passed after the encounter with Nico at the bar. It never really crossed your mind much, other than the fact that you roll your eyes every time he was shown during a game that you watched. The whole ordeal just really disappointed you because he was very attractive and seemed to be sweet in all of his interviews and moments with his team, but actions speak louder than words and his actions at the bar were loud and clear.

You were currently walking into a hole-in-the-wall coffee shop that was near your apartment, preparing to have an intense study session since finals were approaching soon. The cozy ambience felt warm and welcoming, the perfect combination for you.

As you were beginning to zone in on the material before you, the bell from the door sounded, signaling a new person in the shop. Out of habit, you glance up and notice a familiar person making his way to the counter. He didn't seem to notice you at first, so you debated on gathering your stuff and leaving. However, nobody was going to have that kind of hold on you. If you wanted to study in this coffee shop, then that is what was going to happen. Even if there was a douche hockey guy.

You watched as he ordered and gave the barista his card to pay. Since he still hadn't seen you, you decided to shift your attention back to your notes, seeing that's the whole reason you were here.

You thought you got off without having to interact with him, but quickly realized that was not the case when the sound of somebody clearing their throat near you interrupted you studying.

"It's a small world, isn't it?" He flashed an innocent smile, watching as your cheeks heated, much to your displeasure.

"Seems to be," Your answer was short and to the point, hoping he'd get the hint that you were busy.

"Um, is this seat taken?" He motioned toward the seat across the table from you. Maybe he learned his lesson from last time?

"Nope," You moved your bag out of the seat so that he could sit there.

There was a few moments of awkward silence before Nico decided to speak up.

"I'm sorry about the other night. My name is Nico," His outstretched hand hovered above the table, waiting for yours to meet it.

You could have been rude and just ignored him, but there was something about the way that his little dimple indented and the softness of his eyes. He was just a beautiful person.

"Who?" You joked, causing Nico to laugh, his whole body shaking with him.

"I'm teasing, it's nice to formally meet you," Your hand connected with his and you could have swore there were butterflies going rampant in your belly.

"The other night...I don't want to make an excuse for being an ass, but it was right after a win and I still had an adrenaline rush, the boys were around, and I honestly didn't realize how rude it was until I was trying to go to sleep that night. I don't want you to think that the fame went to my head or anything. That couldn't be far from the truth," He fidgeted with the rubber bracelet that decorated his hand, making eye contact with you a few times.

"Hey, we all have our moments. You happened to catch me out of my element. Bars are not quite my scene," You giggled, recalling the nightmare that was the bar that night.

"I didn't get a chance to tell you the other night, ha, but you're beautiful. Like wow," He sat back in his chair, sipping his coffee as he grinned at you trying to control your blush.

"Why thank you," Your laugh caused a train reaction from him.

The two of you talked about so many different things. The topic of how he got into hockey came up, and then what brought you into the bar that night, the conversation just flowing effortlessly. There was never another an awkward moment after that initial one.

Before either of you knew it, 2 hours had passed. Although you should have been studying, the time spent with Nico was nice, something that you could get used to.

"I've really enjoyed this," Nico nudged your leg with his, causing tingles to erupt from the spot where he touched you.

"Me too. You definitely made up for what happened at the bar," You winked, causing him to chuckle in response.

"The team has a Christmas party coming up and I happen to be dateless right now," A cheeky grin formed as he began to gain the courage to ask you on a date.

"Well that's quite the predicament, isn't it?" You knew where he was going with it, but you decided to play along with him.

"Yeah, it is. You wouldn't know how to fix that, would you?" He licked his bottom lip before taking it between his teeth.

"I mean, there's dating apps, fangirls, I'm sure you can find somebody who would love to go with you," Smirking, you finished the last bit of your coffee that was now cold.

"There's also girls that you meet in bars who happen to go to the same coffee shop as you..." Nico trailed off as he watched your response.

"Mr. Hischier, are you asking me to be your date?" You feigned shock, covering your mouth with your hand in attempt to hide your smile.

"Wait, who are you again?" His eyes squinted mischeviously as you rolled your eyes and handed him your phone so that he could put his phone number in.

"I would love to be your date," He punched in his number and felt his phone vibrate in his pocking, signaling that you had texted his phone.

"I've got to go study for my final, so I will see you later," You announced as the two of you gathered your things and walked out together.

Nico gave you a tight side hug, one that was unexpected, but definitely wanted. His cologne was magical and he was just cozy. You walked towards your apartment, a smile etched onto your face as you immediately recall the whole conversation.

Nico glanced at his phone as he headed to his car, deciding to read the text that you had sent him:

"You're pretty cute yourself. Like wow," It read and Nico couldn't help but giggle and smile as he climbed into the driver's side of his car, shaking his head and thanking God that he was able to impress you this time.

*

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[charmedreincarnation]

Hey lovely charm!

I haven’t sent an ask to any blog all this time I’m here because I’m trying to avoid negativity and victim mentality, however I’d like to ask this one thing (of course you can ignore this ask if it’s been answered before or you just don’t want to respond, also I’ll throw a TW but there’s nothing really bad on here)

I read the latest success story which actually almost brought tears to my eyes, I’m proud of this person and everyone that managed to get out of their awful and undeserved circumstances!! My question though is that one thing that drives me crazy all this time and it might sound stupid: how do we actually surrender to our imagination?

Is it just believing everything is going to change? Because I think I might be doing something wrong and I don’t know what it is, I’m just tired of waking up and seeing the same awful and dreadful reality. I’m tired crying every night because I’m being “forgotten” even by friends like I don’t exist sometimes. I’m tired “trying” for the void. Every night before I sleep and every morning, even for the whole day, I’m just thinking as if I got it all already, I’m walking to my dreadful 7-3 work but I’m imagining walking in London going to my actual dream job, wearing my dream clothes and having my dream appearance. The problem is that I feel I’m living on a loop, keep doing the things I did before but kind of “dressing them up” with my mind, in my mind. Any advice you have, I hope it’s going to also help out any other kind soul on here that needs it.

Thank you in advance lovely, I follow your blog with devotion and one of these days I’ll send you my success! xx

Hiii 💓I can only speak for myself, but surrendering to imagination for me looked like letting go of the how and the when my desires would appear. And you know it seems kind of stupid at first, I get that. When people used to say that it made me mad,but that was before I actually understood what it meant. I used to think well “If I wanted it in my imagination I’d just daydream” which isn’t even correct because if you’re imagining of your desires instead of from them, it’s the reason you don’t feel fulfilled anyways. But it’s actually a great thing.

When I stopped trying to change the 3D and stopped trying figure out how/why/when my desired would appear and instead remembered I already had them, it got a little easier. I stopped worrying about if my crying would stop my desires from coming to fruition, bc if I already have it in my imagination why would that matter? just because you’re wealthy does that mean you can’t cry lmfao. it didn’t matter what I did, when I got mad I stopped spiraling, I stopped trying to repress my emotions, it got easier and it became more real. That’s when I understood what they meant when they say you don’t want your desires just to be freed from desiring.

The limitless changes didn’t really start until I was Immersed in my imagination, though I had a good amount of conscious “manifestations” before so. But in truth I've always been a maladaptive daydreamer, creating a different reality within my mind. Despite what others and myself perceived as a bland and middling childhood, my inner world was vibrant and full of possibilities. Then I found myself wondering why these vivid daydreams didn't manifest into reality during my childhood. Idk if it was due to my age or lack of conscious awareness of what I was doing.But again I think it was because I was thinking 'of' rather than 'from'.

It’s the imagination that is limitless and why every creation is possible. It really did free me from my doubts I carried here in this plane. In the grand theater of the multiverse, every dream, every desire you've ever had is playing out already since you can see it in your imagination. You can have your dream life - from your appearance and personality to your family, zodiac sign, and even your perfect partner. you can revise and embody the life you want in every aspect, and wake up in a whole new world tomorrow. You can indulge in every spiritual practice you could ever imagine. You can connect with the energy of the universe on such a profound level that you become one with everything around you. You can become the grass under your feet, the stars twinkling in the night sky.

Why? Because you are a limitless being. You are the universe experiencing itself, a manifestation of its infinite creativity. You're not separate from the universe; you are the universe, yet a human at the same time. So what does the 3D have to do with any of that. Yes you’re here and it is real and you will experience the best of love and humanity because of it but first surrender to imagination because that’s where it begins.

“Consciousness is the one and only reality, not figuratively but actually. This reality may for the sake of clarity be likened unto a stream which is divided into two parts, the conscious and the subconscious. In order to intelligently operate the law of consciousness it is necessary to understand the relationship between the conscious and the subconscious. The conscious is personal and selective; the subconscious is impersonal and non-selective. The conscious is the realm of effect; the subconscious is the realm of cause. These two aspects are the male and female divisions of consciousness. The conscious is male; the subconscious is female. The conscious generates ideas and impresses these ideas on the subconscious; the subconscious receives ideas and gives form and expression to them.”(Neville Goddard)

"So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." (Genesis 1:27)

"And have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator." (Colossians 3:10)

In the realm of imagination, boundaries dissolve. Here, we're not just passive observers; we're active creators, shaping our reality with every thought, feeling, and belief we entertain. This isn't about escaping reality but rather embracing a more expansive view of it.

So, why would you ever limit yourself to the confines of the 3D world? Why not tap into the limitless potential of our imagination, where we are the architects of our own promise. I mean your imagination is your superpower. So, harness it. Dream big, unapologetically feel-deeply, and maintain unwavering faith in your creativity that everyone is born with.

[swordmaid]

biting my HAND thinking about the hags yearning/accidentally falling for each other phase and I lov the idea that they’re always looking at each other but it’s in instances where they think the other is not looking at them as in I like the idea that shri’iia is always looking up at him when they’re travelling together, just stealing quick glances from time to time to watch his reaction to something she said/something she did. it’s very quick though, and it’s something you don’t notice unless you’re purposefully looking, but I just ooohyufyhhh love that idea that she’s always wondering what he thinks, and if he smiles she ends up smiling too, or if he laughs she’ll get a bigger smile, or if he says something she wasn’t expecting she’d want to know why he thought that way though I don’t think she’ll press on it. just shri’iia getting so curious about him and paying so much attention to what he thinks, what he likes or dislikes that I think she does end up accomodating to him and I think she’d do all that unknowingly. she doesn’t realise that she’s paying attention to him a lot until someone points it out, or she’s always wanting his reaction or that she’s always looking at him. and if someone does point it out she’d be like ? ok whatever, thinks they’re ridiculous because it doesn’t register to her that she has a crush bc she’s never liked someone in this particular way before. it’s the first time she’s going through this kind of thing, the first time where her love to someone isn’t an all out devotion so ofc she wouldn’t know it even if it hit her like a truck and if someone says she’s pining she thinks that’s so hilarious. what even is pining anyway. it’s either she lays herself out on their feet or nothing (or so she thinks). and on the flip side I like the idea that astarion looks at her in scenarios where he considers it the most ‘safe’ for him as in if they’re alone together and she’s preoccupied with something else, that’s when he’ll indulge himself to really look at her, and observe her face, her expressions, wonder what she’s thinking and all that. i think he’s more conscious of himself that he avoids doing that in public or else it gives him away. yearning is not part of the Act when he’s already established that he is fawning and wooing her. he cant be involving Feelings into this, that’s gonna ruin everything though I do think there are times where he can’t help himself so he’ll indulge from time to time and just look at her, or watch her, and he’s a bit more bold and he’ll reach out to brush a strand away from her face or something and if she looks up at him like ? he’ll just say something about how it’s so strange to see her so serious so why don’t they do something fun instead? just distract her from the fact that he’s been watching her serious face for quite some time that he notices that she gets this particular crinkle on her forehead and it’s a bit adorable to him. but I think there will be scenarios where he does that Yearning in public like when she does something that’s particularly amazing to him and he’ll just be staring at her a little too long with so much awe and amazement. and that’s when he starts getting the Uh Oh alarms since doing all that isn’t part of his plan, and he needs to dial down since it’s dangerous and messy if it he goes down that road and he might ruin what they have but he can’t help it either. but hehehehehhehhhghghh I love the idea of the hags just yearning and pining it’s so silly to me since everyone is VERY aware (against their will) of their relationship and how they’re fucking each other every night or something (sounds like it) and then theres astarion excessive compliments and pet names and innuendos etc. and shri’iia seems so nonchalant about that, not so affected by how he fawns over her but it’s evident that they do enjoy each other when they’re up to something particularly mischievous but it’s the fact that they’d always be spending time together day and night but have to do the pining in SECRETTTT god forbid they have to admit their feelings

[cyanoticfireflies]

Hazbin Hotel - Rewatch Thoughts (Episode 1, Part 2)

Charlie kicks into song #1, “Happy Day in Hell,” and KeeKee is just kind of floating in the air listening along with all the rest.  Just an observation.

Okay, so some of the stuff we see in Hell: one very dead ant/praying mantis looking demon, some actually not *that* kinky sex (guys, we’re on AO3… if you know you know), and a slew of dead bodies in the road.  I assume those are fresh kills and not leftovers from last week’s extermination – though maybe?  They smell awful and have flies, which means the dudes picking up corpses in the Pilot are very inefficient at their job.

Real talk about the barbed-wire pair – what’s the status on Sinner/Imp relationships?

 Because in HB we kind of see some of the social stigma of, say, a Goetia prince and an imp.  Though there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of noise about a Sin and an imp – probably because everyone is way too distracted by Lust falling in love.  And with a Sin and a hellhound, it is telling that the party is populated by imps and hounds exclusively….

We do get an imp and a sinner making out in the music video Addict (the ladies with Valentino) but that strikes me a bit more as “someone told Valentino that lesbians making out was hot and he said “Yeah, sure.”

Anyhow.

I feel like when Charlie hops up on the car we get our first real core philosophical discussion here.  “If I can show them the dream I’ve dreamed, that anyone can change.”  This is *optimism.*  This is highly simplistic so we as first-time viewers of the show can understand Charlie’s personality and motivation.

This is not realistic.

Vivianne did a livestream where she talked about just this idea and that part of the conflict is that maybe not everyone can be redeemed.  Are we holding out high hopes for the loan sharks that came to the hotel with a battering ram in episode 5?  The skeezy sharks that tried to date-rape Angel in episode 4?  *Valentino?*

(That last one actually wouldn’t surprise me that much if they tried it, but also how?  If HH pulls it off and genuinely manages to redeem the most universally hated character in the show, I will be impressed.)

Some people don’t want to change their ways and be redeemed.  Others may have done things so horrific that it’s hard to imagine them being able to truly change their ways and move forward with the rest of their existence.  There’s a sliding scale of what is and isn’t forgivable, and VM said herself that the scale is very person-to-person and it’s something the series will struggle with.

“But I do think there are certain things, you know, to me, from my perspective, that I feel like are irredeemable and, you know, when that line is crossed, I’m like ‘that can’t be uncrossed.’”

Counterpoint to Charlie’s singing, Vaggie starts talking about the angels.  She’s 10,000% convinced that this isn’t going to work, and at this point in the show first-time watchers are just nodding along.

But we know that Vaggie isn’t just repeating anti-angel slander here.  She knows better than anyone in Hell except maybe big Lulu himself what the angels are like because she *was* one.  When she says they’re stubborn, don’t change their minds, are bloodthirsty, she’s talking from hardcore experience.  And specifically exterminator experience.  We only really spend time with Lute as far as the exterminators go, but – as we’ll see later on in this very episode – Vaggie is pretty much hitting the nail on the head describing her own personal knowledge of angels.

Also, it’s worth noting that Vaggie says “those angels,” “they.”  This is partially to avoid spoiling the big reveal later on but also because Vaggie genuinely doesn’t think of herself as an angel anymore.

She no longer has wings.  She’s no longer an exterminator.  She lives in Hell.  She doesn’t have any personal connections – that we’ve seen yet – to anyone in Heaven but has a Hellborn girlfriend.  Vaggie’s life exists in BC and AD in terms of “Before Charlie” and “After Demon [Princess].”  More on this later.

 (What moron killed this dude and then *left. the. drugs?*)

This next part is, to me, where “Happy Day in Hell” cooks.  You sing it, Princess!

So… Travis?  Why???  What is this dude’s deal?  Not even getting into the pilot or Addict videos, but in episode 4 – so actual published show cannon – this guy directs Valentino’s porn.

His literal job is watching porn all day long, live and in 3D.  But he wants to spend his free time watching other porn and getting so randy he’s practically humping the windows?  Me thinks his sins are related to a porn addiction that is very not under control.

Moving on to Cannibal Town, I have a legitimate question.  We’re told that sinners can’t “double-die” unless they take an angelic weapon to the face.  Does that mean that those who are cannibalized in Hell don’t actually die from it? 

And if they won’t die from it, are there people who volunteer to be eaten?  Do the cannibals take turns deciding whose turn it is to eat and whose it is to be eaten?  And then after they’re eaten, do they just respawn?  Is there a lottery system?

It's been a long time since I was in band, but I think the sheet music behind Charlie is actually correct, which is like a super impressive little detail.  Tri-pe-let-hold.  There’s-just-no-way. 

As someone who likes shows where the person “playing” music is so far off of the music that it’s laughable sometimes, it’s just really cool to see.  It probably wouldn’t have been any more – or less – work to just make something up, so there was no reason not to.  But I’ll still give the kudos!

Little detail that cracks me up every time is Husk’s original VA being the flasher Trenchcoat Demon.  “Touch his parts” indeed. 

Sorry, buddy – only certain fluffy spiders get to touch the parts.  Imagine getting told you’re being replaced by Keith David only for them to find a part for you anyway and it’s that.  Mick Lauer must have a great sense of humor.

Without going into too much detail on my job, I actually do a reasonable amount of communication with and visits to embassies in Washington, DC.  Charlie’s experience of walking straight in the front door and ambling around until she finds the reception desk is definitely a suspend your disbelief moment for me. 

I know the whole point is that it’s abandoned and creepy.  But no metal detectors or bag checks?  At least there is a sign in sheet.

Someone pointed this out, but how does Adam eat through his mask?  I know that the ribs are a hologram, but so is Adam, so assumedly the real Adam is eating real ribs up in, like, the atelier off of Sera’s office? 

In episode 6 we later see him drinking through his mask while he’s walking around with Lute, but that’s normal drinking.  This is like he’s shoving the ribs through a rib-stripper that mechanically separates the meat from the bone.  That whirs.

The hologram part of Adam’s presence does seem to be entirely arbitrary, though, based on whether the scene wants him to pull a prank on Charlie or be slightly threatening.  Her hand goes right through him when they go to shake, but later on he is able to grab her wrist and physically move her. 

Is there a button up in Heaven?

Wait… if Adam is a hologram for Charlie, is Charlie also a hologram for Adam?  Is he in full VR like he’s sitting in the Heaven Embassy in Hell, or is he sitting in his own office and just Charlie’s physical presence is being projected?  Or did the design the two rooms to look the same so no one would get lost on where they are?  If Adam moves a chair in Heaven, does an identical chair move in Hell so that if Charlie walks in that exact spot the two images won’t overlap?

I may be thinking too much about this.

We go back to the hotel, where Vaggie wants to create a new commercial. 

I love that Angel can’t be within a few feet of Husk without basically going “the old man… I desire him.”  Poor Husk.  His eye is actually *twitching.*

Notice me not saying anything about the genuinely impossible physics related to another (missing) eye.  So proud of myself.

Alastor creates a new camera for them, and I’m genuinely curious what his thought process is.  The photo camera he makes seems pretty congruous with his time period (aside from some antler decorations), so it seems like he conjures what is familiar for him.  But when he creates the video camera, it includes an eye and even eyelashes. 

I wonder if this might be related to some part of his backstory with Vox.  We know that Vox has cameras set up all over the place and watches people, so maybe Alastor associates video cameras with being watched.

Vaggie films Husk and Angel first, and I love hearing awesome actors act like they’re awful actors.  But this also makes me curious what the storyboard Vaggie has in mind is.  Also, there’s no way Vaggie actually handed Angel a script that said “big, strong daddy.”  She’d die.

I know the “you come” set up the Angel-filthy-moan joke, but it should definitely be “you’ve come” – possibly setting Angel up for a “not yet, baby” joke…  Either Husk really needs the script that close to his nose to read it or the scriptwriter didn’t get good grades in grammar.

Scrub that counter good later, Niffty and/or Husk.  We know where Angel’s *everything* has been.

… I’m not even asking what the skeletons around the bar are from, but one does look like a snake. 

Maybe that’s why Sir Pentious thought they other residents had it out for him.

I’ll get into this more in episode 4, but even this early we can see Angel adopting some of Valentino’s mannerisms  when he’s making passes at Husk.  “Baby-cakes” from the pet called “Angel-cakes” by his own master…. 

I know it’s upsetting you, Husk, but take the lid off the bottle first.

(We'll pick up in Episode 1, Part 3 due to Tumblr's 30 images-per-post limit.)

[jukeboxjackal]

toxic nat and reader break up and have so much tension until they hu at a dinner party

hey guys hey guys!! sorry haven’t been here for a while but like i think i decided i’m gonna answer all of my asks (2) and maybe prob start writing again! wooo!!!

okay so first things first

1. i will NOT be doing like a full hu, there will be themes yes but as aforementioned i don’t write smut

2. this is actually a great idea so i’m gonna give y’all a preview bc it’s really late and then i’ll edit and finish later

3. sorry for taking forever twin!!

I know you miss me.

toxic! nat x fem! reader

warnings: toxic behavior, more mentioned in the future. also the usual like cursing yap yap yap

“hey”

you whipped your head around, you recognized that voice. God awful but 𝗵𝗲𝗿 voice will always plague your mind. the woman who you’ve been avoiding all night.

she looked restless, almost like she actually 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘥 you. ‘ha, fat fucking chance’ you thought. you debated if you actually wanted to talk to her, but she moved closer, so you knew you had to. and with a loud sigh you said:

“hi”

you mentally cursed yourself. ‘that was actually so lame, stand your ground (y/n), damn’. so you spoke again,

“what do you want natasha?” you sighed it out, you don’t even know why you’re talking to her again.

‘she’s not worth it’ ‘she never loved you’ ‘stop trying to convince yourself that she’ll ever change.’

but you know she will, she always does. ‘fuck it not today.’

you tried to turn back around, but she put a hand on your shoulder. you flinched.

“(y/n), i’m serious. don’t fucking walk away from me.” she just whispered out.

you looked back at her, and she looked a cross between pissed and so, so fucking sad.

“hey, this is clint’s party, just let me enjoy myself. i already told you i never wanted to see you again.” and you saw a flash of hurt and anger in her eyes. ‘why the fuck is she the mad one here?’

you both were at clint’s little get together, and you went outside for fresh air, but you guess she followed you out. you were happy, you hadn’t seen the team in a while, natasha always kept you away. and when they asked, you were always “sick” or “on a trip”. but now she was gone, and you finally got back in touch with them, but God, you could never muster up the strength and courage to tell them what had all happened.

natasha scoffed,

“enjoy yourself? or enjoy these other bitches? i’ve been looking at you all night, just to see you with carol, or my friends. 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘦.” she spat that last part out.

you let out a dry laugh. “oh wow natasha, glad to see you haven’t changed. i have though, and now you can’t control me anymore.” you stared directly at her.

“oh please, you know damn well i didn’t do shit wrong. and you also know that you miss me, huh?” she moved closer to you.

“natasha, what the hell?” you looked around. she put her hand on your face though, softly.

“oh baby, i’m the only one for you.” “what happened was a mistake, but i promise you i have changed.” she whispered to you.

“oh bullshit, nat!” you had tears forming. “you just acted the same literally two seconds ago, stop trying to play me for a fool!” you were very much emotional now.

“and that’s why you still call me nat. you already know how much i appreciate you, and that you just can’t seem to get over me, huh?”

that was true, you hadn’t dated or talked to anyone in 4 months. but maybe that was just how impactful she was on you, that you’d been afraid to love again.

“shut up.”

“so it is true, (y/n) you haven’t changed a bit sweet girl.” natasha caressed your face.

you tried to pull away, but she had you against the wall. you could smell her sweet scent, which did NOT reflect her personality.

“just this once,” she whispered “be mine again?”

you felt too much, you just wanted it to be over.

you closed the distance between you both with a kiss.

———

you woke up in her bed again, but you swear next time will be different.

you know it will be.

when you she was dead asleep, you packed up and left.

[nereidprinc3ss]

hi sam. I wanna start by saying you're so evil and vile and the fic destroyed me. I was like this during the whole time 📉📈📉📈📉📈. I don't agree with most by saying reader is me. I don't completely disagree with her, but don't complete agree, either. I understand avoident attachment and observe myself in similar thoughts and positions but I also found some of her reactions way too extreme. That said, I believe what you write is like a window into your mind, so I have a few questions that you have no obligation to answer and you can just tell me to fuck off if I'm being intrusive. Think of them as some interview questions. Upon reading the panic attack part (the most intense one where she goes to his room all pale), and based on other fics of yours I've read, I realized you use panic attack as a common motif in your fics. Is this something that happens to you irl? Secondly, you praise and idolize him way too much in some parts, which seemed a bit off putting for me. Is that something you'd normally do for a man or is it just silly fanfiction?

Ok interview questions 321 go

For the panic attack stuff, yes I used to have a debilitating panic disorder I had multiple panic attacks a day to the point where I dropped out of school and was unable to leave the house it was soooo sooo awful and luckily I haven’t had a PANIC attack like that in many many years thankfully. But I guess I still like writing about them because nobody ever took me seriously when I was having them and they were genuinely traumatizing so the idea of someone comforting me during a panic attack is like healing or something idk🤞

As for the second question reader obviously hates herself a lot and when you feel that way it’s easy to put other people on a pedestal. In that situation you’re liable to deify anyone who shows you any sort of affection or love, which she clearly does like during the panic attack part specifically but she is aware of it. She knows he’s just a person and it’s not his job to magically fix her. Outside of the context of her as a character I’m not really sure where you’d say I as the writer am “praising him too much”. SHE’S for sure in love with him which would contribute to the way she perceives him and how she might sometimes glaze over his flaws, but that’s a scenario where you can’t be mixing me up with the character. I obviously wrote her to be intentionally flawed and unreliable as a pseudo narrator yk? I say “she’s so me” because she’s infused with my avoidance, not because I think everything she’s doing is right or justified or because she’s a reflection of what I’d do in the situations I put her in. This was written for entertainment so ofc I added drama and conflict, otherwise it’d be boring and fall flat. It’s rlly tempting to conflate the narrator with the author, more so in x reader, and I do believe any good writing is at least partially autobiographical because otherwise you don’t know what you’re talking about, but I assure you I am not someone who obsequiously praises men. You phrased the question kind of confrontationally too and I’m not sure why, but no that’s not how I interact w men bc I’m not the reader!!

Anyway yeah someone’s writing is definitely a window into their mind but it’s usually not as overt or boldfaced as you’d think. Like if I wrote a story from the POV of a serial killer u wouldn’t then be like oh so you think about murdering people? Yk

[neptunescore]

re: drivers & Palestine/various political statements, i’m sure this is a controversial opinion, but i actually wouldn’t want statements from any of them at the moment? especially from the ferrari boys (who i’m sure are under incredibly strict pr clauses) and the mclaren boys (can’t believe i’m saying that) given that every team has a contract puma, which is on the boycott list, and ferrari have contracts with shell and hp and mclaren have contracts with google.

pretty sure that there are more teams with main sponsors who also have donated to israel, but given that these guys wear their logos, i don’t want a statement while they (under contract, but still) have to break the boycott and promote these brands.

sure what lando did with the starbucks cup and his various other actions was awful - i’m not going to defend that - but if all the drivers released some kind of statement and then went back to breaking the boycott i’d be so pissed off, it would completely read as a pr move.

it reminds me of a scene from ted lasso, where one of the players find’s out that their main sponsor is harming the country they come from, and so the whole team puts tape over their name on the uniform. if drivers were to make a political statement in support of Palestine, i’d be expecting them to do the same on their uniform and take off all the decals/logos from their cars, at which point the sponsors, i’m pretty sure, would have the avenue to sue.

as well as that, lewis kind of occupies this space where he is (rightfully or wrongly) expected to stand as an advocate on these types of issues - partially due to the fact that he seems pretty good about raising awareness for various causes, partially because he’s been forced into a place of activism from the beginning of his career. so a statement from him come across as genuine, even when he can’t take the logos off of his uniform etc, whereas if another driver put a statement out i’d def assume it was a pr stunt on a topic they saw was trending and not coming from a place of education.

(god this is way way longer than i meant for it to be and probably comes off as very preachy i’m very sorry if it does, i just think that the topic needs, like, nuance, and while i’m down to dislike certain drivers and the fact they haven’t made a statement does give me the ick, i’m not sure that its as simple as all that. however, for the older drivers no longer in these contracts? no reasons for them to stay quiet. educate yourself and use your platform if you’re going to advocate for meaningful change)

I feel like we both have different opinions on this situation, and im not going to discredit yours, but I will say we should just agree to disagree on this :]

No1. You're right that many of the boycott brands ARE sponsors, but they're sponsors of the TEAM(S) and SPORT. Like, I'd honestly fully understand if a driver were to make a statement about palestine and still have that brands logo on them, bc there's literally no way they can avoid it. It's written into their contract, and it's not their personal choice. It's sadly the TEAM'S choice. My main issue would be if drivers continue to use said brands in their personal lives as well or continue their OWN sponsorships from those boycotted brands.

No2. Honestly, even if it's a pr move, I'd still want them to do it. Drivers have such HUGE fanbases, and them educating/ posting about palestine would lead to so much more awareness in the f1 community, no matter what their actual intentions were.

No3. Ur statement on lewis is quite contradicting to ur main point. Bc while yes, lewis has been much more vocal abt his activism and advocation, other drivers have also advocated for a LARGE number of things, a lot of them being the same things as lewis, what makes this so different?

Anyway, I get that some/ most drivers may have contracts that we don't know abt which prevent them from talking abt things like these, but I feel like the LEAST they can do is stay away from posting boycotted brands that in NO WAY sponsor them/ have any ties to them.

All in all, I think we just have different opinions on the matter at hand, and that's completely fine! Have a good day, nonnie!!

[spaghetti-steven-side-dish]

@stagbeetleboy u said I should do this so here’s a first pass,

A Star Wars self insert/oc. Nyath

He’s a dark sider in the days of the old republic, after the sith empire was eradicated, during the days of Yoda just becoming grandmaster. Nyath Was raised in the outer rim in a fanatic dark side aligned religious cult and killed his father in order to escape, stole his father’s lightsaber, and self taught in the force from then on.

He does both bounty hunter work and is a fortune teller scam artist, and even though he is talented at foresight he rarely actually does it for real bc he thinks most people who want to know the future are weak idiots. Because of his bizzare upbringing he had no idea what Jedi even were a thing and once he figured out there were other organized force users he takes great pains to avoid them. He has no goals besides survival, but he does like exploring and experiencing as much shit as possible since the galaxy is a mystery to him, having grown up in a shitty cult.

The marketable plushie fluffy thing, called Foof, traveling with him is his pilot bc he can’t drive anything. They rarely talk but they seem to have a fondness for Nyath as the only pay they seem to want is food and lodging. Nyath is slowly becoming incredibly attached to Foof, and will go out of his way to get Foofs favorite food and souvenirs from the planets they visit.

Before he meets Foof he’s incredibly edgy and brooding and even kills folks for being too rude or annoying, very corrupted by the dark side and his awful upbringing. Foof is slowly influencing him for the better and these days he rarely kills anyone besides his targets and legitimate threats, and every once in a blue moon will actually do something nice (after Foof usually point persistently at the problem). He’s even getting a sense of humor these days, and is slowly learning to do social interaction via Foof making him watch holonet tv shows with them.

He has a ship that he stole that’s shaped like a rotisserie chicken, and is named thusly.

[blissfullifeinfantasyland]

I want to avoid my feeling sooooooo fucking bad and also be absolutely fucking miserable and sad and just be awful but then I’m self feedback negative loop or something where people then think im not beautiful or capable but then like do I care but also I do care sooo much and at the same time I’m having a hard time seeing myself as anything good it’s evil its evil its evil its evil and i try but not in a way that actually makes any sense and then it just feels so crashing but i know how to make it not but im just trying soooo hard to destroy my life like msot of what they say doesnt make sense and it’s bad and so bad but I do understand that platonic love is sooooo much more important than romantic but still like i feel so weird inside and badddd and badddddddd 😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞 god im sooooo preoccupied with it like if i didnt have this crazy ONSESSION with it then I think I would be so capable of so many other things and like how do I avoid that trigger when it’s literally everywhere and like it’s everywhere in a good way too but still like I don’t EVERRRR seee it in me and I suppose other people can tell I don’t see it in me and Don’t want to fix that whole ass mess rhat is happening there and that’s so fair bc I don’t want to fix other ppl going through something like that either what the freak ughhhh. Ut then I have to like actually take care of myself and that’s rlly hard and this is just so awful bexause I don’t want toooo and I just don’t want to even more every time and every year and then I get so fucking fixated on a goal that will never be obtained cuz im not practicing and also I am scared that if I actually get better I won’t want it anymore and myself right now is so against not having that love I want so.badly in my life that it feels like I lose an actual part of myself that died if I lose that part of myself and have to grieve it too and it’s so evil and i want to let myself grieve but also will it provide more happiness to me to cancel out that grieving like i just fucking love being messy and not caring for myself!!! Bc I look in the mirror and think yeah thats good enough and i know that i like it but other people don’t. Like a weird rock i find at the beach that i really like and feel an emotional connection to but other people don’t feel it towards that rock and that’s fine with me. But i just really wish other people did see the beauty in that rock that I see but they don’t. Like I want it so bad but I want it to come naturally and like not even polish the rock or anything because thats obscuring the true nature but then it seems like nobody wants that normal rock if there are prettier more marketable rocks out there. But also I LITERALLY should not care about this. I should not because it genuinely ruins my life and also there’s no reason for me to be focusing on this and the only reason I am is to just torture myself for some reason to prevent myself from actually getting better in any way. I don’t like what I see but I am okay with that. It should motivate me to be differently but no I am okay with looking and acting awful because it keeps me lower. I don’t believe I can be higher. And it takes wayyyy tooooooooo much effort from me. I am trying but its like rat pressing button but nothing happening and its like okay what the fuck and why am I even doing this…………………………………………………………. What do I even want from my life. I don’t want to be contained to a fucking physical appearance cage but I think I have to unfortunately that’s what people want. Even if I do all the things in the world besides that they will only see my body first. It’s evil. Why can’t i be a vessel. Why can’t I do the bare fucking minimum like a man and also like a man that doesn’t want to have a girlfriend and loves being a free spirit and thinks they will weigh him down so he goes like backpacking alone and has no organization and nothing like that and is just single and loves it sooooo fucking bad but for some reason I am so caught up in everything except that…………… I feel like I still have time for dating even when I

[darecruit]

Hi, hope you have a great time! I'm here for advice, if that's okay. Any idea how to get rid of Puck in a story? I don't like both him and Mark so I tend to avoid stories focusing on him but I'm not sure how to write him off in my story. Killing him off seems weird. Sending him away? Making him move out or something? What do you prefer to do with him (not that he appears much in your stories but still). Thanks in advance!

I just don’t write him in! Honestly I forget that he’s a character. Bc same, I can’t stomach the actor portraying him and so I don’t want to give Puck any “screen time” either. Plus, Puck was a pretty awful character too.

So that’s my take. Just don’t mention him ever and it’s like he wasn’t even there 😉

[key0-m0ve-al0ng]

posting for attention

i wrote down some stream of consciousness stuff. Maybe someone will relate. Please don't worry, they are only thoughts and feelings we are coping with.

TW// suicdal ideation, awful grammar, prayer (for my religious trauma girlies)

enjoy my suffering /gen

AAAAAAAAAAAAGH WHAT CAN I DO RN 

I CAN”T CALM TF DONW 

I CAN’T CAN’T I CAN’T 

I FEEL SO FAKE AND SO VIOLENT 

AND FUCKING INSANE 

AND LIKE MY LIFE IS FALLING TO PIECES 

NO MATTER WHAT I DO 

BECAUSE I CAN’T SEEM 

TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING 

OR DO ANYTHING OR ACT ON ANYTHING 

WE WANNA DO BC WE R SO SCARED 

OF POURING OUR HEART INTO SOMETHING 

AND BEING REJECTED

 F U C K IT HURTS IT HURTS THIS HELPED IG

IDK EVERYTHING HURTS

NOT EVERYTHING

UH I AM ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY GOOD

BUT THE FLASGBACKS NEED TO STOP 

THEY NEED TO STOP.

GOD HELP ME WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP 

I WANT TO FUCK UP ANYONE 

WHO WOULD DO THAT SHIT TO A KID 

WHY IS THIS EVER ALLOWED TO HAPPEN 

EVER WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE 

SO FUCKING TWISTED 

I JUST WANT IT TO STOP 

I WANT PEOPLE TO STOP 

HURTING EACH OTHER 

I WANT PEOPLE TO STOP

HURTING ME 

NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TO AVOID IT. 

I AM NOT HERE RN 

I AM DISSOCIATING 

LIFE A MOTHERFUCKER

 AND I CANNOT DO THIS SHIT

 I NEED IT TO STOPPPPP

I WANNA FEEL BETTER

 I DON’T KNOW WHY I HAVE TO CARRY AROUND 

ALL THIS BULLSHIT

PEOPLE WHO HURT PEOPLE 

WILL GET WHAT’S COMING TO THEM 

BUT WHEN, WHEN????? 

I cannot rn, 

how are we gonna get our shit together 

when we’re burning the FUCK out? 

Ugh. 

deep breath, deep breath. 

There’s a hole of grief on my chest. 

My socks are wet. 

I wanna cry in the fuckin library, 

It’s too cold. 

I am scared.

my head hurts. 

I need to complain ig. 

Why do i do this? 

I have everything I could need 

but no matter how grateful 

i try to be, 

instead of getting a break 

i just get more and more piled on 

how tf did this happen 

why did we lose our job 

to some douchebag family member 

of the shittiest manager around 

oh my fucking god the cowardice 

and entitlement 

of all the soft fuckin SHITHEADS i keep meetign 

like PICK A STRUGGLE. 

I keep zoning out dear god 

let me find something to do with this rage 

stop the rain for two minutes 

I don’t want to drive 

i don’t want to think

and the visibility outside is awful 

WHY IS FEBRURARY LONG 

it’s longer this year 

I want spring 

I want sun 

I am sad that it’s getting warmer out 

and weather is getting extreme so 

I wish it was at least weather I like. 

My routine is shot, 

I have none. My phone is dead, 

doordash is too much energy rn. 

I am. 

Killing myself. 

Not really but 

jfc I am so tired 

in a way that weighs on you. 

And I feel survivor’s guilt 

about the whole fucking world. 

Guilt guilt guilt 

that is ALL we ever feel 

everything is our fault somehow and 

we can’t fix anything with that attitude 

I am so upset. 

Fuckin hell. 

Make it stop make it stop 

but don’t let me die 

I’m not ready. 

And I feel guilty for that too, 

because who IS ready? 

It just happens. 

And instead of happening to rapists and serial killers 

it happens to sweet people 

who made the world better. 

Fuck this. 

Where’s the divine punishment 

for the WORLD LEADERS????? 

What’s with the collective 

capitalist punishment? 

I constantly feel like 

I’ve done something wrong or bad. 

Constant. 

Stupid fucking axel, 

screaming in our face and starting this whole mess. 

My life is great overall 

but my heart and mind are fucked up rn.

Are you there god? It’s me.

And me. And me.

Etc..

I don’t wanna kill myself it just sounds really easy (it’s not you will not go out without a fight so it’ll just be a llot of medical bullshit.)

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw - about flashbacks and SA and little details of SA

Looking for: opinions but also just venting.

Call me Jaguar.

I don’t even know WHAT SOME OF MY TRIGGERS ARE!!! I LEGIT HAVE TO GUESS. I think certain things revolving around night time had triggered a certain somatic flashback before so I try to make sure to avoid what I think triggered me?

I haven’t had that particular flashback in awhile so maybe I can self trigger and see if it is what I think it is… I’m scared thinking about experiencing it again but I wanna see…

I can’t pin triggers at all. Never know where it comes from, some triggers are obvious like seeing abusers in person.

Some episodes I get idk what they are or if they’re just depressive/other episodes. Like I can get into intense depressive episodes that make me feel odd emotions I can’t describe. Idk where they come from or why they’re there. It’s like an intense sadness mixed with feeling dissociated and out of place, gross, in a way. Idk what this even is!

There are flashbacks I haven’t had in a long time and I’m really trying to figure out was it even a flashback? Why did they show up and why haven’t I seen them in a while? I was told it was a somatic one because of the SA hallucinations and how real they were on my body… the things I felt were obviously SA I thought someone was in bed with me but nobody was. One of those flashbacks was SA of vaginal somatic experiences…

…Was I triggered by thinking about the trauma memory from my childhood? Bc it was on my mind at the time the somatic flashback hit me and I was contemplating certain details from the memory…I typically avoid all memories even though they intrude on me.m but it had me thinking…

was I triggered by certain things revolving around night time? Bc I am avoiding those things atm in case it is. I think certain things about night time trigger me so I don’t go near it.

But I seem to have no experienced particular flashbacks in awhile?

I had to rearrange my room and do so many things differently at night to not feel so depressed or awful which has helped with bad episodes like that.

I really don’t know what these experiences even are. I don’t know how to label them. Or if it’s just a type of depression, Idk…

Hey Jaguar,

Please know that it's normal to not fully know what your triggers are. Sometimes our brains will recognize something as a threat that, on a conscious level, we aren't even aware of. While it can be helpful to try and figure out what your triggers are, self triggering is a dangerous way to go about this.

It's possible that the sudden onset of intense emotions could be an emotional flashback, which can be described as a rush of intense emotions related to a past traumatic event that occur without any visual memories or images. Alternatively, experiencing a flashback in which you can physically feel certain sensations related to the traumatic memory can be a somatic or sensory flashback. It's important to distinguish this from a hallucination because a hallucination is typically a perception of something that is not present in reality, while a flashback is a vivid and involuntary recollection of a past event or experience. There is some overlap, but I think that distinguishing flashbacks from hallucinations can be validating.

It's possible that things such as thinking about traumatic childhood memories or certain things about nighttime could've influenced being triggered at that time, but it's ultimately up to you to make that determination.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help explore your trauma in a safe and controlled setting, as well as navigate these flashbacks and collaborate with you to construct some healthy coping mechanisms that you can take with you along your healing journey. In the meantime, I do hope that I could help name some of your experiences, and please know that we're here for you if you need anything.

-Bun