#I’m noticing and actively addressing when things get bad

[minimumlie]

Everybody probably thinks that this year I managed to magically not procrastinate anything anymore.

In reality, I have a class which I can’t not turn stuff in, so I do that and let everything else slide.

I really sit here like,

No one knows the rest of my life is in shambles

[interstellar-productions]

Thinking so many thoughts honestly, about Aaron currently (spiritually not situationally I relate to him, it’s complicated). Aaron so specifically speaks to me because of how (at least with the crumbs we’re fed by canon) he internalizes and deals with his trauma. He WANTS to be normal. In fact he tries so hard to be normal (as society interprets normality) that he actively distances himself and represses any part of him that may lead people to viewing him as anything other then normal.

In my mind this was probably done intentionally, it creates a contrast between him and Andrew (and is probably why Neil is able to tell the twins apart pretty much from the get go). Andrew doesn’t speak about his trauma but he also doesn’t necessarily minimize it. Andrew makes himself big, body language wise he’s very loud. “Look at me, at what they did to me. Look at who I became”. Andrew is a warning sign, he lets his bleeding wounds show and mixes them with ragged bone and snarling teeth. Andrew is telling people without telling people what will happen if someone crosses him.

In contrast Aaron hides, his pain and his scares. Aaron turns everything inwards, shoving it all into closets and under beds. If he blends in then maybe no one will notice him enough to pick him out. Hiding in plane sight. Aaron works so hard to be normal and is canonically known as the least interesting and most normal fox, despite having a murder charge and being a recovered addict. He is the normal fox. People overlook him, glance right over him, his teammates, peers, everyone. Perfect grades, good at his sports, girl next door girlfriend. Aaron is so painfully NORMAL.

It speaks so deeply because it’s so obvious to me that its a coping mechanism and not actually because that’s how he really is. If he was just painfully normal we wouldn’t get some of his more violent or assholeish out burst and he probably wouldn’t have that grudge against Bee. His grudge against Bee is actually what sparked this whole thing for me. He hates Bee, he says that he’s never actually spoken a word to her and even when he starts sessions with Andrew he’s really just speaking to Andrew while Bee is in the room rather then directly speaking to Bee. My little psych major mind (mixed with my personal feelings but HUSH) is just screaming that this whole “I’m normal look right through me please I’m normal”. It’s how he COPES. This guy grew up at least a little bit inside a church (because Luther) and had to hide both bruises and addiction and whatever else was going on inside that house. Statistically speaking there’s two major ways you internalize trauma like that. And I love Aaron and Andrew because their those two ways basically. Aaron is trying so hard to be so Normal that he becomes basically invisible. Blending into the background.

He probably has everyone convinced that he’s got it all in the bag, all his shit? It’s in a sock, don’t even worry about it. He’s got the grades, the girlfriend and he plays a sport. Bro is literally sitting pretty to be so uninteresting that he gets nothing but a cursory glance, and it’s totally part of his scheme. No one’s going to think to ask questions he doesn’t want them too. Not about his past and not about what’s going on in his life. “Oh that’s Aaron yeah I’ve got advanced chem with him, yeah good guy. I think he plays exy.” Aaron doesn’t want people to ask questions, because he knows he’s towing the line. Does he have it all together? Or is he desperately trying to keep all his shit in the boxes he’s stuffed it in? Who knows. Aaron probably doesn’t even know.

Aaron gives me “fake it til you make it” vibes that it actually hurts my soul. This man wants to be normal so bad that he’s doing everything he can to not have to address what’s actually wrong, because acknowledging something’s wrong means acknowledging that he is in fact NOT normal. And he wants to be normal because being normal is how you survive. (How he got Tilda to not beat him for dragging the wrong sort of attention to her)

My psych major mind is absolutely consumed by AFTG because to me they represent all the different ways that trauma can manifest in people. Basically all of the foxes (even and Renee Wymack) are the violent kind. Their teeth and warning signs, don’t get too close, don’t step on my toes. But they all show it so differently. Renee for example is the healed sort of violent, she’s faced the majority of her demons and won, she knows she’ll be able to handle you if you step out of line (see her ruining the nest). Nicky is the loud kind. He’s not the break bone sort of violent but he is the make you uncomfortable kind. So much of Nicky’s early character (Foxhole court) is him giving off borderline predatory vibes. His jokes, his mannerisms, the whole Edens trip. It’s his version of violent. He makes you uncomfortable so he knows whose safe and who isn’t.

Then you have aaron and his whole character is a ticking time bomb. Aaron isn’t normal because he’s healed, he’s normal because its the only way he knows to survive. That’s why he doesn’t like Bee. Bee is a psychologist, her whole job is to know their problems and fix them and the fact he even has to go sit in a room with her is a threat to his overall performance of normality. Because normal people don’t NEED therapy.

Screams into the void, I’m so normal about him.

Also all of this is just my personal little ramblings about a purely fictional character that reminds me of myself as it relates to the topic of interest I’m currently studying. If you don’t agree with me that’s totally fine, if you have different preconceptions about him thats totally ok too. This is just my little brain rot corner of the internet and I’m just trying to have fun.

To the 3 people that wanted to see my deranged psych rambles i hope this reaches you, this is all for you!

[simpingmyassoff]

No embarrassment

Percy Jackson x reader disclaimer: English isn't my first language; bad writing, characters very ooc; angelreader

The camp was buzzing with activity as the summer began, but not all of it was cheerful. Percy felt the weight of an invisible cloud hanging over his head. It wasn’t about the monsters or even the dreams he had about Grover. No, it was something worse.

It was about Tyson.

His brother.

Ever since Tyson had arrived at Camp Half-Blood, Percy had been struggling to deal with the whispers and the looks. He tried to ignore it at first, but it was hard when even Annabeth, his best friend, couldn’t look past Tyson’s Cyclops heritage. He’d overheard her talking to some of the other campers earlier, her voice tinged with discomfort. “I mean, Percy... it’s just a Cyclops. Percy’s chest had tightened at the words, the shame creeping in.

Tyson was his brother, but no one seemed to get it. Not even Annabeth. But it wasn’t just her, campers from every cabin seemed to treat Tyson like a burden. Like some kind of joke. By the time dinner rolled around, Percy had had enough. He couldn’t stand it anymore. He walked over to where Tyson was sitting, awkwardly fumbling with his food. Percy could see that his brother was trying to fit in, trying to smile, but it wasn’t working. Not when everyone was avoiding him. “Hey, Tyson,” Percy said, sitting down beside him. Tyson looked up, a little surprised. “Percy! You’re sitting with me?” Percy gave a half-smile. “Yeah, of course. What are brothers for, right?” But the moment was short-lived. As Percy looked up, he noticed some campers in the distance making faces and whispering behind their hands. His cheeks flushed with embarrassment, and he wanted to say something. Something to make it all go away. But before he could open his mouth, a familiar, gentle voice interrupted.

"Percy."

You appeared beside him, your usual softness replaced with a sharp edge of concern. You glanced at Tyson, then back at Percy, eyes narrowing. “What’s this I hear?” you asked, tone gentle but firm. “You’re embarrassed of your brother?” Percy froze, his mouth hanging open. He hadn’t expected you to approach him like this, especially not after hearing the same things everyone else had said. You placed a hand on your hip, standing tall and looking at Percy with disapproval. “You can’t be serious, Percy. Tyson is your brother. He’s family. And if anyone’s acting like an outcast, it’s the people who can’t see how amazing he is.” A girl a little older, who had been walking toward them with a half-sarcastic smirk on her face, froze when she saw the expression on your face.

“I’m just saying it’s a little-”

“Stop,” you interrupted, your voice more stern than Percy had ever heard. You turned to the girl, and there was no mistaking the fire in your eyes. “Stop acting like Tyson’s some kind of monster. He’s not.” The girl blinked, surprised by the force in you voice. Percy could see her struggling with it, trying to find a way to disagree without seeming cruel. But you weren’t backing down. “And if you don’t like that he’s a Cyclops,” you continued, addressing everyone now, “maybe you should take a good long look at yourselves. Tyson is wonderful. He’s sweet, he’s brave, and he’d never hurt anyone.”

Percy could only watch in stunned silence. His heart skipped a beat at how fiercely you were defending his brother. It was like a weight had been lifted from his chest. He realized how much he’d needed to hear this. How much he’d been wishing that someone, anyone would stand up for Tyson the way you were doing. You looked back at Percy, face softening as you met his gaze. “You should be proud of him, Perce. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.” Percy swallowed hard. His throat felt tight, but he managed a shaky smile.

“Thanks, Angel. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” You gave him a small, knowing smile. “You’ll figure it out. Just… remember what matters.” You turned back to Tyson and smiled warmly at him, voice turning kind again. “You’re doing great, Tyson. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than you are.” Tyson's face lit up, and he grinned wide, showing off his huge teeth. “I’m not a monster?” “Of course not!” you said, ruffling his hair playfully. “

You’re a hero.”

Percy felt a swell of gratitude for her, and a warmth spread through his chest. He didn’t know how he could ever repay you for the way you always made him feel like things would be okay, even when the world felt unfair.

After the conversation had calmed down, Percy couldn’t help but find a small moment of peace in his heart. He walked beside you later that night, your hand brushing against his.

“Hey, sweet girl,” he said quietly, the nickname slipping from his lips as naturally as her own name.

You raised an eyebrow, looking at him in surprise.

“What?”

“You’re always so… kind. To everyone. I just wanted to call you something special, like you call me ‘Perce’.” His voice was a little shy, but the affection was clear. Your cheeks flushed softly at the words. “That’s sweet,” you said, eyes softening.

“But you’re the only one who gets to call me that, okay?” Percy smiled, the nickname already feeling like something he’d been waiting to say.

“Okay.” You laughed softly, a little giddy. “You’re kind of a dork, Perce.”

“Hey!” He grinned, nudging her shoulder. “Cut me some slack!” “Oh, I’m not cutting you slack,” you teased, but your voice held nothing but affection.

Percy chuckled. “Well, if that’s how you see me…”

you tilted your head. “I do, but you are also amazing.”

He felt a warmth spreading in his chest again. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to how easy it was to talk to you. You made everything feel easier, even when things felt impossible.

And, for once, Percy was okay with who he was.

I hope you all like it!! I hope the way people treated Tyson in the fic is similar to the books (i forgot lowkey)

[dioslesbianwife]

Pspspsps Its me again.

Im Here to request the Part 5 gang with a Reader whom has Anxiety. and maybe they have a dangerous stand that corresponds with that Anxiety.

“Id rather be Violent that anxious”

Thank you sm.!

hii, no prob- hope you enjoy and thank you for requesting :3

Giorno:

Giorno immediately notices that your anxiety tends to spike in stressful situations. He’s observant enough to catch the small signs before your Stand activates.

When he first sees your Stand in action- lashing out violently when your anxiety becomes too much- he doesn’t seem fazed. Instead, he calmly approaches you, soothing your nerves with a gentle touch.

“You don’t have to fight alone. We’re here to help you.” He means it, and over time, he tries to help you control your Stand.

Respects your desire to be violent rather than anxious, but gently encourages you to find balance. Giorno knows you’re strong, and he wants you to feel secure without resorting to violence all the time.

Bruno:

Bruno is compassionate and understanding. The first time he sees your Stand manifest out of anxiety, he carefully intervenes, making sure you’re safe before addressing your feelings.

He’s firm but gentle when discussing your tendency to choose violence over anxiety. “It’s alright to feel afraid sometimes. You don’t always have to fight your way through it.”

Makes sure you know that the gang has your back, so you don’t feel pressured to always be on edge. Offers a comforting presence and a safe space when you need it.

Abbacchio:

At first, Abbacchio is a bit harsh about it, not fully understanding why you lash out. However, when he learns about your anxiety, he softens- just a bit.

He doesn’t coddle you, but he respects your strength. “If violence keeps you from breaking down, I get it. Just don’t take it out on us.”

Over time, he becomes more protective of you, using his own tough demeanor to shield you from situations that might set off your anxiety. He won’t say it, but he cares.

Fugo:

Fugo best understands the overwhelming feeling of losing control emotionally, and he sympathizes with your struggle. When your Stand lashes out, he’s quick to back you up rather than scold you.

He’s honest with you, admitting that he also sometimes feels like it’s easier to snap than to stay calm. This shared understanding makes you feel less alone.

If anyone dares to criticize you for being too intense, Fugo’s the first to snap back, fiercely defending your right to feel what you feel.

Trish:

Trish sees a bit of herself in you. She knows what it’s like to feel vulnerable and need ways to cope.

She doesn’t judge you for it, but she does encourage you to try expressing your feelings before resorting to violence. “It’s okay to be anxious. You don’t have to hurt someone to prove you’re not.”

Sometimes she’ll distract you with something comforting, like talking about fashion or doing your hair. It’s her way of helping without making you feel weak.

Mista:

Mista tries to lighten the mood when your anxiety gets bad, cracking jokes or pulling you into a game to keep your mind off things.

When your Stand activates, he’s not scared- more impressed, honestly. He’ll tease you about being “more badass than he thought.”

Once he learns why you act that way, he becomes more thoughtful, staying close to you during tense moments. “If you gotta fight, make sure I’m there to back you up, alright?”

Narancia:

Narancia’s not the best at dealing with heavy emotions, but he knows when you’re stressed, and his first instinct is to cheer you up.

He doesn’t see your Stand as scary at all- in fact, he thinks it’s cool how you can turn anxiety into power.

Once he realizes that violence is your way of coping, he sticks by your side, ready to support you no matter what. “We’ll fight together if we have to. You don’t have to do it alone.”

[skye-obsolete]

Hello hello! The plushie headcanons are sooooo cute. I saw the requests are open and thought I'd drop mine too if that's okay :)

How would the Lads men cheer us/mc up when we're having a bad day? Eg: bad day at work or bad day in general

Bad days

ʟᴀᴅs ʙᴏʏs x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

ᯓ❅ ┆ 𝘴𝘺𝘯𝘰𝘱𝘴𝘪𝘴 ┆ : 𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘓𝘈𝘋𝘚 𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘦 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘔𝘊 𝘪𝘧 𝘴𝘩𝘦'𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘥𝘢𝘺?

ᯓ❅ ┆ 𝘵𝘢𝘨𝘴 ┆ : 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘯, 𝘴𝘰𝘧𝘵, 𝘧𝘭𝘶𝘧𝘧 & 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘖𝘖𝘊

─────────────── ˗ˏˋ ❅｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡˚☽ ˎˊ˗ ───────────────

𝐗𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐫

Xavier was adept at sensing your emotions, especially when you felt sad. He would approach you slowly, ensuring his presence was comforting rather than overwhelming.

After a brief silence, Xavier would ask in a soft, steady voice, "Would you like to talk about it?"

Whether you would chose to share or simply shook your head, he listened attentively, attuned to both of your words and body language. His blue eyes showed genuine concern and care throughout.

A man of few words, Xavier found solace in actions over words. He would gently enveloped you in a reassuring hug, understanding that sometimes, silence speaks louder than words.

He knows you too well, he'll offer you the solace to rest once you began to relax. Combining two things that Xavier loves—sleeping and being with you—seemed the most natural way to comfort you.

In a cozy, intimate setting, you two would nestle together. His fingers delicately brushed through your hair, soothing you into peaceful sleep. His embrace was firm yet gentle, conveying his unwavering support without suffocation.

"I'm always here for you, today and every day," his voice barely above a whisper, matching the sincerity of the moment.

𝐙𝐚𝐲𝐧𝐞

Noticing a change in your aura, he first observes you, looking for any signs of distress or fatigue, thinking you might have caught an illness.

Unlike Xavier, Zayne addresses the situation directly with his usual calm and straightforward manner, asking, "What's going on? You seem off today." His tone is matter-of-fact but laced with genuine concern, signaling that he is ready to listen and help.

He attends to your immediate needs first. If you seem stressed, he suggests practical ways to alleviate it. "Let's take a break. Clear your head," he says.

Though stoic, Zayne is not unfeeling. He offers comfort through small but meaningful gestures.

He makes a cup of tea for you, knowing it has some medicinal effects that could help.

"Take your time, I'm here if you need me," he says, giving you the freedom to express your emotions or to have space to collect your thoughts.

Wanting to cheer you up, Zayne reminds you of your capabilities and past successes, like a flower blooming even in the harshest conditions.

“You’ve handled worse,” he says firmly but kindly. “This is just another hurdle, and you’ll get over it, like always.”

"It's just one day out of many. Tomorrow will be better," he says, gently patting your head.

𝐑𝐚𝐟𝐚𝐲𝐞𝐥

Rafayel's initial response to your bad day would likely involve some playful teasing. "Did you trip over your own feet again or something?" he might say with a smirk, trying to provoke a reaction and distract you from your troubles.

At first, he pretends not to care, crossing his arms and looking away. "It’s not like I’m worried or anything. I just need my bodyguard in perfect condition to protect me," he mutters. Despite his words, his presence and engagement show he's paying attention.

Rafayel continues to poke fun at you, but with a softer touch. "You look like a sad puppy. It’s kind of pathetic," he says, though the hint of concern in his eyes betrays his true feelings.

When he notices that the teasing isn't lifting your spirits, he shifts to a more subtle form of comfort.

"Fine, let’s go do something fun. But only because I’m bored," he declares, suggesting an activity he knows you enjoy, like playing a game or watching a movie.

Throughout all of this, he gently rests his head against yours, your shoulders touching, providing silent support.

Despite his bratty demeanor, Rafayel finds small ways to show he cares.

He might casually offer your favorite snack or drink, pretending it's no big deal. "Here, take this. It's been sitting around in my fridge anyway," he says, though in truth, he brought it exclusively for you.

Finally, Rafayel tries to bring things back to normal, signaling that everything will be okay. "Alright, enough moping around. Let’s get back to having some fun," he says, his bratty demeanor back in place, but his actions revealing his genuine care.

·❆　　　❆　❅　　　　•　　　　.　　　　　❆❆• 　·　.　　　❅

𝐴𝑢𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑟'𝑠 𝑁𝑜𝑡𝑒: 𝐼'𝑚 𝑠𝑜𝑟𝑟𝑦 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑡𝑜𝑜𝑘 𝑎 𝑤ℎ𝑖𝑙𝑒! 𝐶𝑢𝑟𝑟𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦 𝑐𝑎𝑡𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑢𝑝 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑚𝑦 𝑠𝑞𝑢𝑒𝑒𝑧𝑒𝑑 𝑠𝑐ℎ𝑒𝑑𝑢𝑙𝑒 𝑖𝑛 𝑠𝑢𝑝𝑝𝑙𝑒𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑎𝑟𝑦 𝑐𝑙𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑒𝑠.

𝐴𝑙𝑠𝑜, 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑘 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝐴𝑛𝑜𝑛! 𝐼'𝑚 𝑔𝑙𝑎𝑑 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑓𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑣𝑖𝑜𝑢𝑠 𝐻𝐶/𝑠 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒 𝑎𝑑𝑜𝑟𝑎𝑏𝑙𝑒! 𝐼 ℎ𝑜𝑝𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑖𝑠 𝑢𝑝 𝑡𝑜 𝑝𝑎𝑟 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑚~

𝐷𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑟𝑦! 𝐼 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑚𝑦 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑓𝑒𝑙𝑙𝑜𝑤 𝑤𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑠, 𝑑𝑜𝑛'𝑡 ℎ𝑒𝑠𝑖𝑡𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑟𝑒𝑞𝑢𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑠~!

[moltengoldveins]

shit they don’t tell you about getting better

I grew up chronically ill. Multiple overlapping debilitating conditions kept me near-bedridden may entire (formative and rememberable) life and now I’m in my twenties, getting treatment, slowly getting a life I’ve never had before. And there’s some buckwild shit they don’t tell you.

Pained sweat and sweat from exercise that isn’t painful smells different. You wouldn’t know this, because no exercise, for you, is painless. But it’s true. Pain sweat is rank. It’s unpleasant and genuinely smells like gross BO and maybe something saltier. Normal exercise sweat when you’re in clean clothes smells like salt and human, but it doesn’t smell bad.

Usable mobility is so much fucking harder to build than it looks. You think gaining muscle mass is hard - try working your way to an extra centimeter of rotation in your hips. It’s also significantly more important. You could lose half your muscle mass - if you can maintain the muscle that lets you move, you’ll be ok.

You’re going to taste things differently. I don’t know why. I assume it’s because your body craves different things? But a lot of stuff I liked before tastes kinda bland now, and a lot of stuff I hated before tastes kinda fine.

You’re going to catch yourself deliberately not doing things you can do, just because you haven’t adjusted to your new level of capability yet. You’re not being lazy. You’re just not used to the new body.

You’re going to catch yourself doing the opposite - doing things you’d never do before without even thinking about it, and only later looking back and realizing how impossible that once was. I remember hopping up and down out of my seat at work a few months back to check a multimeter, only realizing once I was done that my heartrate had barely jumped at all.

your hunger starts making sense. You crave stuff at regular intervals after predictable activities and those cravings can be read and addressed. You can actually listen to when you’re hungry and not hungry and think about what you’d like to eat, and that actually gives you useful information.

your hair gets thicker. It might change texture. Mine changed color.

i don’t know if everyone deals with this, but my nails started growing nearly four times faster. I have to clip them So Much now.

your glasses prescription might change. Mine went down, I need to get retested because I can see better at some distances without them now.

Colors are different. Not entirely sure if it’s a perception thing, ie I’m more aware of the world, or I’m actually seeing different colors.

When you get depressed again - and you will, good God will you get depressed again - it will be So Bad. It will gut you. You will plummet so fast and so hard it’ll feel like fucking hell on earth. But you will Notice, and you will be able to diagnose what is happening to you, and you will be able to ride it out with the knowledge that it will not be permanent anymore.

The concept of ‘feeling your emotions in your body’ makes a hell of a lot more sense when what you’re feeling in your body isn’t Constant Pain All The Time. Turns out, emotion and pain cannot easily exist in the same space in your body.

If you have autism it’s going to get worse. Your body is coming down out of Defcon 1 for the first time and alllll your masking techniques you didn’t even notice were there are gonna go bye bye. I regularly loose speech for minutes or hours when I’m overwhelmed and I find it shockingly difficult to maintain my volume when speaking. I rarely had that issue before. I stim constantly now. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I’m not upset this is happening, but it’s good to know in advance.

your perception of time might shift. I’m significantly more aware of the day to day passage of time than I was, better able to tell at any given moment what day of the week it is. It’s kinda hard to explain, considering I never had this when I was sick. It’s like a low-level background noise, or the sensation of knowing where your hand is even when your eyes are closed. You can instinctively recognize when you are, just like you can recognize where you are.

[perseephoneee]

rosy cheeks and scott mccall please. for ficmas

꒰ ࿁ ˙ ˖ ໑ happy day 7 of ficmas!

a/n: AGHHH i'm sorry for the delay and because of that delay i feel like this is very lame :(( i'm very sorry to the people of the universe. i will now bury myself in a hole and cry.

↳ masterlist  ↳ ship exchange ↳ taglist ↳ ficmas 2023

Located about an hour south of Mt. Shasta is your sleepy town of Beacon Hills, California. Beacon Hills was most known for the burgers on 9th Street, Christmas tree lights downtown, and the werewolf population. It was also a place that tended not to get very cold, just slightly chilly. It didn’t stop the residents from wishing they could enjoy the type of winter seen on their TV screens, with big fluffy snowflakes and subzero temperatures. So when it was announced that the lacrosse tournament would be held near Mt. Shasta with a surprise trip up the mountain for all winter activities, almost all the students signed up. 

You had signed up for the trip and the rest of your pack before you started avoiding Scott. Everyone in the pack could notice your tension, but no one said anything. Since Thanksgiving break, when you had almost kissed at Lydia’s party. You were interrupted by the usual werewolf drama. Now, there was something unspoken between you guys, and instead of addressing it (like adults), you have resorted to ignoring the problem until it eventually blows up in your faces.

Currently, you were standing with a duffel bag outside the bus waiting to load on. Climbing the stairs, you averted your eyes as you noticed Scott perk up at your entrance. The last thing you wanted to do was spend an hour on a bus with the guy you had an unestablished thing with. Quickly, you sat down next to Malia, who jumped at your sudden movement. 

“What’s up with you?” Malia asked, pulling out her earbuds. You shoved your bag under the seat and curled up into yourself, ignoring the question. “Hello?”

“Just sitting next to a friend,” you smiled. Unfurling, you grabbed your book out of your bag. Malia was still looking at you. 

“Is it because of Scott?” Malia inquired. You choked at the question. Malia rolled her eyes. “Everyone knows, I’m just the first to say anything.”

“Not surprising,” you mumbled, earning a jab from Malia’s elbow. “But yes, it might be about Scott.” Malia seemed to think about your answer, a pensive expression on her face. 

“Why don’t you talk to him?” Malia waited for your answer, but you couldn’t give one. Not when you were too cowardly to admit anything. So, instead, she just offered you one of her earbuds, and you graciously accepted it, listening to music for the rest of the ride. The drive to the mountain wasn’t too bad, and you spent most of it asleep with your head on Malia’s shoulder. She was aloof but recently had become a good friend to you. You recognized her struggle in adjusting to real life again, and she appreciated that she never felt the need to justify things to you. It’s how you knew she would be blunt about Scott but never pressured you too much. 

The lacrosse tournament happened at the beginning of the trip, so that whatever the outcome, the team could either celebrate or destress depending on the outcome. Coach Finstock wasn’t excited to deal with a bunch of teenagers for four days, but there were at least other teacher chaperones to help him. This was great for the students and Coach– neither had to deal exclusively with the other. You and Malia went to the closest cafe to get refreshments before the game. Malia had been on the journey of discovering if she liked coffee or tea, and so far, she hated all of it. She opted to get a Diet Coke while you treated yourself to a white mocha to stay awake for the game and the rest of the trip. When you finally left the cafe, you were happy that Lydia had saved you some seats. She refused ever to have a wrong view and scared off multiple sophomores. Lydia took a glance at Malia’s drink.

“Gave up on tea and coffee?”

“Why does it taste so bitter?” Malia grumbled, earning a smile from you and the redhead beside you. You saw Scott run onto the field, throwing on his helmet as he did so. Your eyes were glued to him, and you felt yourself wringing your hands anxiously as the game started. Fun fact: you had no clue how lacrosse worked, but based on the chants from the stands, you could surmise when things were going well. Scott appeared to score a goal, and you found yourself shooting up and hollering just as loudly as the rest of the Beacon Hills kids. Malia gave you a pointed look, which you happily ignored. Forgetting for a second that Scott had super-hearing, he turned to look up at you in the stands, and you felt your breath catch as he sent you a smile. Great, so he could hear you being a lunatic. He didn’t look at you for the rest of the game, but Beacon Hills won. 

There wasn’t much time to assemble on the field and congratulate the field, so everyone was sharing compliments back on the bus. Squeezing through the aisles, a hand grabbed you as you tried to walk by. You made eye contact with Scott and felt a claw grip your heart. 

“Hey,” he whispered meekly, as uncomfortable as you were. He looked at the hand holding you still and immediately let go. His instincts beat out his brain. 

“Nice game,” you smiled, running away before he could respond. You shoved in next to Malia again, who gave you an annoyed look. You silenced her before she could make any comment. 

Half an hour later, you ended up at the lodge where everyone would be staying. Forgetting your troubles, you happily glanced out the window at the beautiful brown lodge looming ahead of you. It was covered in snow, but faint lights twinkled from the archway. Everyone ran inside quickly, not wanting to be caught in the snowdrift. The inside was even more beautiful. It looked straight out of a storybook. Beautiful wood is finished, and multiple levels boast stone fireplaces and windows looking out at snowcapped trees. Coach gave out room keys to assigned pairs (you were stuck with some junior girl before Malia bullied her into changing assignments). Coach Finstock also lectured about not bothering him at any point, even if you were dying. Not even a good game could change his attitude on helping children. 

You got up to your room on the third floor with Malia and smiled at the log beds with red and white quilts. There was a view of a ski lift out of your window and an en suite bathroom with tiny bottles of shampoo and lotion. You dropped your bag by a bed and happily jumped on it, turning into a starfish as you sighed heavily. 

“You slept for most of the bus ride. How are you still tired?” Malia asked, catapulting onto her bed. 

“Sleeping in a vehicle is different from sleeping in your bed,” you mumbled, your voice muffled because of the sheets. You both sat silently, enjoying being on a warm bed. “Scott looked sad.”

“How would you know?” you inquire, rolling over so your face is unobstructed by the bed. 

“I saw him,” Malia picked up a loose thread on the quilt. “He looked sad. Probably because you’re ignoring him.”

“I am avoiding a potentially disastrous situation,” you argue.

“You’re being chicken,” Malia said, throwing a pillow at you when you made a noise in disagreement. “He likes you, or at least cares about what you think, and you’re avoiding him because of your fear.” You stayed silent, not denying her words. “I’m about to kick you out of this room to go and find him.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would,” Malia raised a brow, gesturing with her hands for you to leave. You grumbled about her being maybe right, something that she smiled at. She was right, and you resented it. You hid from Scott because admitting feelings was hard, and you liked him a lot. Leaving the room in a huff, you wandered the hall, harassing various students about where Scott was staying. Unsurprisingly, he was sharing a room with Stiles. Unfortunately, he was not in that room. After carefully investigating, you found him outside in one of the hot tubs. You paused on the threshold, holding your coat closer to yourself as you saw him lean his head back against the lip of the tub. Water droplets gathered on his chest, and his hair was flattened against his forehead. He looked gorgeous, and it frightened you how much you liked him. You found the strength to put one foot in front of the other, ending up in front of the hot tub and capturing the werewolf's attention. 

“I was told I could find you out here,” you said, wrapping your arms around yourself. 

“You’re talking to me now?” Scott said, his voice sharp. 

“I’m…yes,” you stumbled, sitting down on the rim of the hot tub. It was a rough Norwegian wood that you ran your fingers over as you refused eye contact. 

“Y/N,” Scott sighed. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, no,” you turned to face him, hating the sad puppy eyes he seemed to have constantly. “I just…I’m not good at being emotionally available, and what almost happened between us was enough to make me the least communicative person in the universe.” 

“I wanted it to happen,” Scott whispered. “I missed talking to you.”

Your heart broke at his words. You always loved how kind Scott was how loyal and careful he was with people. You hated that you hurt his feelings. Without giving much of a second thought, you peeled off your jacket and shucked your jeans, standing in a t-shirt and underwear as you got into the hot water. Scott jumped back from surprise as the water splashed around. The warmth seeped through your bones, and you almost sighed as the cold left your body. Instead, you waded closer to Scott, close enough that you could grab his hand under the water. 

“I like you,” you admitted. “I…missed you too.” You leaned in, not letting your doubt stop you as you kissed Scott. It’s what you meant to do weeks ago, and now that it was happening, you didn’t regret it. Your hands ran up his chest to his shoulders, enjoying the feel of his muscles under your hands. He kissed you back, gripping your hips and bringing you closer. You liked the slight growl he made when you tugged on his hair. You lifted your knees to straddle his lap, letting his chest press against yours. Scott let his lips trail down your jaw to your neck. 

“I’m glad you’re talking to me again,” Scott mumbled against your neck, nipping the skin there as you gasped. 

“I’m sorry for not talking to you,” you gasped, feeling Scott's hands tentatively under your wet shirt. You kissed the corner of his mouth, feeling his jaw underneath your lips. You could’ve lived the rest of your life in this moment, in Scott's arms with Scott’s lips. Except much like everything in Scott’s life, Stiles was always there. 

“Woah, finally,” Stiles laughed, appearing out of nowhere and scaring both of you. You fell to the side of the tub, still gripping Scott’s shoulders. Scott glared at Stiles. “I was waiting for you two to stop tip-toeing around each other.”

“Stiles,” Scott growled. 

“Aww, you guys have such cute, rosy cheeks. Is it from the hot water or the hot makeout?” Stiles teased. Scott carefully put you aside so he could run out of the tub and attempt to tackle Stiles. You couldn’t stop the laugh escaping your throat as you watched the two boys try to wrestle each other to the ground. At least, you could call one of those boys yours.

[darkwaveho]

Stranger Au

Parings: Natasha Romanoff x Black!reader

Summary: Things can only go well for so long before the inevitable cycle of past actions shows themselves once again.

A/N: I’m finally done with this part! it’s been a long time partly from writer’s block and other things in my life as well as low motivation to write anything at all. 

Stranger Au Masterlist

As soon as you opened the door you knew somethings was off, you hadn’t heard from Natasha since yesterday event though you two had plans today.  you open the door with clear concern as Natasha’s demeanor is the opposite or at least trying to be. “Natasha?” You don’t hide the surprise in your voice. You honestly thought she wouldn’t show up today. The plan was to drive together to Jordy’s school for a Parent teacher conference, but again you haven’t heard from her since yesterday morning, you thought she would be a no-show.

“Hey, I’m here. I made it I’m a little late but I’m here.” Natasha audibly sighs in relief to know that you’re still here and that she wasn’t too late. When the conversation was brought up about the parent teacher conference it was Natasha who suggested that you both go together, better yet that you both drive there together as well. Since that night you two have been on better terms than ever. There was no clear tension or petty bickering from either of you, just making plans for Jordyn and sticking to those plans. Natasha has been holding up on her end more consistently than before. 

A clear change in her behavior. As she approached the stairs all you could do was study her. You might not be an agent anymore, but your senses are still very much active. The first thing you notice is that she’s out of breath not very visible to the normal eye but to you, you could always tell when she wasn’t one hundred percent herself. You know it’s not from her short run from the car. The next thing you notice is the slight panting and the tight clench in her jaw. You inspect her silently as she shifts under your gaze. You see her slightly clutching her rib cage. 

“You’re hurt.” She’s ready to dismiss your accusations. “Don’t lie to me I can clearly see you’re hurt.” You sigh, opening the door wider. “Get your ass in here.” 

“I’m fine.” You pull her to the bathroom downstairs ignoring her false claims of her wellbeing. You make quick work of getting her inside the bathroom not wanting to alert Jordy of her mama’s presence yet before you check out the damage. Not until you fully assess the situation. You instruct her to sit on the end of the toilet seat while you grab the first aid kit you might not be an agent anymore, but you still know how to address wounds, you had a six-year-old after all. 

“Lift your shirt up.” 

You see shock before you see her devious smile. She’s waited so long to hear those words again. She was hoping it would be under different circumstances, but she won’t complain. Natasha also wouldn’t be able to pass up this moment without teasing you about it. “Take me on a date first.” You were losing your patience and the moment she plastered that smirk on her face you had to show her you weren’t in a playing mood. You pinch her arm in retaliation. “Ouch!” She yells from the pain and soothingly rubs her arm. 

“I’m not playing with you, take the shirt off before I do it for you.” She knows it’s bad and once you see the full damage you were gonna scold her even more. She made it all the way here with that gash on her stomach? You hover your hand over the open wound noticing the bruises littered in the other areas. She stares up at you just waiting for you to yell at her or something, but you never do. When you snap out of the trance you quickly turn to the first aid kit to distract you. To stop the tears from potentially falling from your eyes. 

“Are you mad at me?” She searches for your eyes, but you don’t give in. Focused on treating her wounds. With how fast her heart was beating out of her chest right now she swears you can hear it loud and clear as you apply ointment and antiseptic wipes to her cuts and bruises. The way you crouched down in front of her stomach made it hard to be upset with her. Just being up close and personal with her toned body again brings back memories that you thought you buried a long time ago. Natasha doesn’t like the silence. She hated the silent treatment; she would do anything to get you to speak again. She had no shame in annoying you to hear you voice again. “Can you say something please?” She bites her lip patiently waiting for you to give her a piece of your mind, yell at her, anything.

“How could you be so reckless?” You say the words the same time as you apply unneeded pressure to her wound. She hisses in pain and doesn’t even have time to respond to you when you immediately ask another question. “Why didn’t you get this treated before coming here Nat?” 

“Yes! I’m fucking mad at you.” And you end your second rambling question by finally answer her initial question. Once again with a little more force as you treat her wounds properly.

“I couldn’t be late! Okay? I needed to be here. No matter what.” She searches for eye contact that you don’t seem to be willing to give her right now. 

“So, you were just gonna walk around like this?” The utter disbelief on your face has Natasha knowing she was definitely in the wrong, but she wishes you weren’t so observant. She wishes she hid it better. She wishes on her worst days you were there waiting for her, so that your hands were the only hands to patch her up and treat her wounds. 

“If it meant me being there for my daughter than yes! I was” Something about it was poetic in a twisted way, she would rather be in pain than to upset her daughter. She would rather bleed out than to disappoint you both even more than she has in the past. “Do you not understand how reckless that was? there will be other parent teacher conferences Natasha!” The deep pinch in your brow and the way your nostrils flared out Natasha knew it was time to take responsibility. Her reason was valid, but she wasn’t thinking about the outcome of her decision. Like she said she’s been in far worse condition she didn’t think it was a big deal apart from her bruising and her cuts she only ripped a stitch. 

“Hey, I- just wanted to be here.” She cups your face in her hands and slowly rubs your soft cheeks. Her eyes unmoving from yours. she sees the hurt in them, and she wants to chant her new apologies to you. part of her grows excited and anxious at the fact that you care this much about her wellbeing still. in the past she swears you wouldn’t have batted an eye at her injuries, but she can’t blame you. She couldn’t blame you for hating her, but if she’s correct right now with how she’s feeling and just feeding off of your energy, you care. You still care for her after everything. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I just wanted to make it here on time. I didn’t want to disappoint you both.”

“It was okay to be late or to miss this one we would’ve understood.” Natasha removes her hands from the sides of your face and visible displays guilt and regret for her actions today. “I’ve missed so much already; I just didn’t want to miss this milestone. The teachers know me as an Avenger, but they don’t know me as Jordyn’s mom. I wanted that connection to the other parents, I want to .” You can’t fault her for that, at least not anymore. The accords royally fucked up a lot of peoples live yours being one of them. Natasha was on the run for months and barely had contact with Jordyn. She regrets it, you can tell she regrets it every day. There is a soft deflated sigh and a brief pause before you speak again. “Just...don’t do that again.” You tilt her head up and slowly wipe her tears away. Just to show her you understood where she was coming from, but you don’t appreciate what she did. You don’t miss the small flash of hope in her eyes as you forgive her for not putting her health and wellbeing first. That was understandable unlike the other excuses she’s given in the past. She perks up nods her head slowly in understanding all the while keeping a heavy focus on your face. Her hand slides on top of yours that’s rests against her soft skin. Natasha shows a brief sign of hesitation on pulling you into her and slamming her lips on yours. She’s been craving you since that moment you two had outside the compound at game night.

The sound of your phone going off interrupts the soft moment. You instantly recognize the ringtone, but you ignore it, anyway, treating the cuts and bruises were more important to you right now. Natasha was more important to you right now. The fact that you chose to ignore your phone alerted Natasha’s curiosity, you always check your phone even if it was an excuse to avoid the tension between you two, you’d take the call. “Why is she still calling you?” 

“Do you want me to step in? because if she’s harassing you about breaking up I can-” you hold your hand up for her to stop talking. You weren’t being harassed; in fact, this was the first time Skylar has reached out since that big fight in the kitchen. Perfect timing you guess. “She’s not harassing me Nat.” 

“Then why is she calling you?” The worst scenarios can’t help but to run though her mind at you brief silence. It was only a few seconds but to her it felt like a century the longer she waited for you to ease her mind and reassure her that you weren’t going back to the woman that tried to take her daughter away from her. The same woman that called her unfit. The same woman that called her a monster. “She wants to talk, I guess.” You shrug your shoulder nonchalantly as you fumble with the rest of the materials from the first aid kit.

“And you’re considering it? After what she did?” 

“Nat” 

“No! How can you even give her another chance after. How could even want to talk with her after you saw how long it took me to get up from that kitchen floor?” You’re not surprised about how angry Natasha is she has that right to be angry at Skylar but not at you. 

“We’re not going to act like you’re so innocent Natasha, you’ve said slick, under handed things as well. That night it was a lot happening and things just went left.” You haven’t even brought up the idea of fixing things with Skylar. Just because things went left with Skylar doesn’t mean you were giving Nat another chance. She looks away for a brief moment. You had a point there was no reason to deny it. You knew it, she knew it, hell even Jordy could see the tension and animosity her mother had towards Skylar. It was a reason why you were stalling about that date Natasha asked for, you didn’t know if you could honestly open your heart up again to her. “We’re not together Natasha. You need to remember that.” 

“Right.” She doesn’t say anything else as she stands up and prepares herself to move away from you in the small bathroom. “Nat, what are you doing? I’m not done stitching you up yet.” You quickly stand up and halt her from moving any further through the room. You didn’t want to fight today; you didn’t want to fight at all, but you would never let her walk around wounded like she was attempting to do earlier.

“I can finish it; don’t worry about it I’ve been in worser condition than this before.” Now it was your turn to be angry and upset with her. This was petty and childish. Natasha had a pattern of being stubborn, just because something didn’t go her way she shut down and shut you out. This whole situation feels too familiar. It feels like the main problem that broke you in your marriage coming back again like a full circle. As you stand behind her in awe and anger, your phone buzzes again. To no one’s surprise its Skylar’s Name that pops up on your screen again. Natasha doesn’t make an effort to hide her displeasure. You on the other hand ignore the buzzing phone and focus back on Natasha and her struggle to finish the last stitch. “Here, just let me help.” You take a few steps forward as Natasha stands in front of the mirror by the sink. She immediately counters by stepping back. 

“I said I got it.” As she swats your prying hands away from her wounds he grunts in return from the soreness and pain. “You don’t have to worry about me anymore.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” The panic in your voice wasn’t subtle at all. The thought of her disappearing again for months scares you. it scares you for your daughter upstairs.

“Nothing.” She ends her response by cutting the string as she finished her last stitch. She looks down at your abandoned phone on the counter. “You should probably worry about your girlfriend, right? seems like it’s important.” 

“What the fuck? Natasha, don’t be like that.” 

“Don’t be like what? hm, Y/n?” She raises a challenging eyebrow before taking advantage of your lack of words. “You’re considering making up with that bitch that suggested you take Jordy away from me! What does that say about you? The Y/n I knew would’ve never even entertained the idea of associating with someone that hurt me...Maybe you’re not the same person I knew.” 

“Yeah? well now you know how I felt in our marriage.” You spoke before you had the time to truly think about what you were saying. In all honesty you meant what you said however this only added more fuel to the fire. You don’t even know why you’re having this conversation right now; you haven’t said anything about fixing things with Skyler, you have a hunch that this isn’t totally about Sky trying to patch the communication with you and that it’s about you not giving Natasha a chance to move forward. Not giving her an answer about an official date. The look you both give each other clearly shows how much you both want to take back your words, but in the heat of the moment the hope of either of you saying an apology is out of the question. “You can’t you give me an answer, but you can potentially think about letting her back into your life?” 

“You’re an opportunist, you literally cornered me after the fight and guilt tripped me into even considering the date Natasha. Be serious for a minute.”

“How the hell did I guilt trip you?” 

“You used that moment of vulnerability to your advantage Natasha; I don’t even know if I can trust anything you’ve said about changing.” Part of you felt this way but you can’t deny that there is a lack of accountability on your part, you weren’t forced to say yes to her proposal.

“So not only am I an opportunist but I’m a liar now too, right?” Your mouth opens and snaps shut before you can even get a word out, she cuts you off with her words of venom. “What else have you been keeping in? I’ve never needed pity, not even from you. Seems like I’m not the only liar standing in this room. Do you think I’m unfit too? hm? Do you think the same thing as her? Come on you can say it, tell me the truth, I’d rather hear it from your lips than anybody else’s.” Natasha doesn’t give you a chance to speak, she doesn’t give you a chance to shoot down those thoughts she’s stabbing you with right now.

“You won’t have to worry about the date anymore, forget about it, let’s just get this parent-teacher thing over with.” You want to protest against that. You want to yell at her for jumping to conclusions in the first place. You want to tell her you need time to think about it longer. You want her to understand that you technically were still in a relationship with Skyler despite the lack of communication between you two, but your words come up empty and your pride won’t let you. Your silence was enough for Natasha to understand that this conversation was over. She wouldn’t be getting a date like she hoped. The little effort she’s made seems pointless as this encounter knocks her back to where she first started. A stranger.

“Mom, is it time to go yet? I’m ready” Jordy’s voice sounds throughout the hallway as she approaches downstairs. Natasha left the room just in time to get her emotions in check, it was a short moment but enough for her to put it on the back burner for her daughter. Jordyn goes wide eyed with the appearance of her mother standing there when she near around the corner wall. “Mama!” She runs fast on her heels and smashes into Natasha for a warm embrace. You on the other hand needed a bit more time to gather your emotions, you use the excuse of putting the first aid kit back and cleaning up a bit. “How come I didn’t know you were here?” Natasha picks Jordyn up slowly swaying back and forth. 

“Because I’m really good at being a ninja.” Natasha smirks at Jordy’s faltering smile. “I’m being serious mama!” Jordy whines with annoyance with the childish response from her mother. “Hmm that means you need to get better at those Romanoff senses.” Jordy groans already aware of what would come from her mother’s lips. “Until you work on that, I can’t take you on a mission with me.” She huffs her breath and slightly pouts. “Fine.” Natasha pecks her cheeks multiple times in an attempt to bring her toothy smile back that works in an instant. Natasha lowers Jordy back down to the floor which still doesn’t do anything from keeping close proximity to her. Jordyn focuses back on her original task in leaving for parent teacher night, she grabs Natasha’s hand excitedly and tugs on them eagerly. “Can we go now mama? please?”

You finally retreat from the bathroom just in time to see how hard it was for Natasha to hold in the pain she was experiencing right now. She blew up at you before you could even give her something to help with the pain. “Jordy, be easy on mama she’s a bit banged up today.” She nods her head and doesn’t raise any eye of concern since her mother looked fine and she saw no signs of major wounds. Jordyn slightly pulls Natasha’s hand leading her outside to the car. Jordyn’s voice laced with excitement as they leave out the door. “I can’t wait to show you everything I did at school!” The plan was still to drive in the same car to the school. Natasha didn’t want to near you so opted to sit in the back seat with Jordyn. You don’t know if you’re grateful for that or upset. Grateful for the prevention of any further conflicts but upset about the childish and petty action.

Even as you all enter the school, she doesn’t really acknowledge you, or so you think she doesn’t. Natasha sneaks a glance at you every so often but nothing too noticeable, she tries so hard to zero in on the teacher talking about Jordyn’s accomplishments and how well she’s doing in her classes, but the tension was too high. She wants to apologize to you. She wants to say sorry for blowing up at you and being so possessive even though she doesn’t have the right to anymore. She wants to take her words back and ask you to still consider giving her a date. She wants to tell you to never stop worrying about her; never stop caring about her and her wellbeing. As Natasha is being yanked around the classroom by Jordyn the teacher approaches you holding a paper. “What’s this” you curiously wonder as you take the familiar childhood paper into your hand. “The kids had an assignment to draw their favorite moment, and this was Jordyn’s favorite moment. I thought you’d want to see it.” she smiles softly at you as your eyes roam the vibrant colors on the paper. Jordyn drew the moment you all shared at the dinner table. The day you finally let Natasha stay for dinner, the cause of events that happened before that was unknown to the girl but this? This has changed your prospective on things, maybe you were being cruel to not give Natasha a chance to fix what she broke. Seeing the effects of having the both of you in the same setting, getting along, with no fighting, arguments and no Skyler gave you a big push towards forgiveness. your mind also wondered to the thought, were you being selfish? your issues with Natasha keeping Jordyn from having better moments with both of her moms together? you shake that negative thought away as you’re brought back to the sounds and environment of the classroom. “I think you should let Jordyn show this to Natasha.” you smile as you hand back the construction paper to the teacher. She nods and walks towards them; you can briefly hear the excitement in Jordyn’s voice when it’s clear that she knows what paper her teacher is handing her. You need a moment to gather your thoughts.

When the parent teacher night is over Natasha ends up sitting in the front seat this time. You don’t show any emotions about it on the outside. You keep your eyes forward and only left the school parking lot once you heard the click of her seatbelt. You thought for sure that she’d sit in the back until you made it back home. Truth is Natasha wanted to be close to you even if she was still upset. She knows she blew things out of proportion but how could you blame her? how could you blame her after the woman that was supposed to be a saint let those vile things leave her lips? How could you blame her after that kiss you two shared at game night? or what about that small but meaningful moment you two shared in the kitchen on the floor where you comforted her and reassured her about being a great mom? Natasha’s mind drifts back to the moment her eyes landed on the family picture that Jordyn drew. Tears almost brought to her eyes and how badly she wishes to have more of those moment just so Jordyn can create more of these pictures. Natasha would be sure to hang up every single one in her room at the compound, in her training gym, in her small section on the quinjet, hell she’d probably turn them into stickers as well. Natasha’s mind is racing with these thoughts and it’s the sound of your voice that brings her back from going deeper into the rabbit hole. 

“How about we stop and get some ice cream since we have a mini genius in the car right now?” You say as you watch Jordy from the rear mirror. “What do you think goober should mommy stop and get ice cream since I’m a genius?” Jordy’s mouth drops with shock. “Hey! she was talking about me being the genius.” Natasha turns in her seat to look at the excited six-year-old. “Oh, you’re right my mistake Einstein.” Natasha throws her hands up in mock surrender. You chuckle at the interaction and the atmosphere of the car has changed to a lighter mood, but you two still avoid maintaining eye contact like the plague. 

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Getting ice cream felt awkward, the tension only you and her know about was nonexistent to others around you. “What flavor do you want Jordy?” Natasha waits expectingly but truth be told you both knew her answer before she even said it out loud. “Double chocolate fudge.” She jumps with excitement while responding, something you note as the pre-hyper jitters, lucky you. The worker scoops the chocolate ice cream and hand Jordyn her cone. she carefully walks over to the empty booth and eats her ice cream. “What flavor would you like?” the worker asks you. “I’ll have-” The words die on your tongue as Natasha blurts the words out for you, she didn’t do it intentionally her brain was just on autopilot. She knows everything about you down to the smallest detail, even when she’s mad at you she can’t seem to stop herself from wanting to be involved with you in some way. 

She clears her throat and Shys away from your soft gaze. “I’ll have a Strawberry cone.” The worker gets started on both cones and hands them to both of you. when it’s time to pay for the cones, you reach in your pocket first, but Natasha stops you. “Don’t, I’ll get it.” She pulls her wallet out and before you can challenge her the worker tells you both that the cones are on the house. “On the house?” 

“Yeah, You’re an avenger.” Natasha didn’t normally like when people used that line on her but right now, she didn’t have any more fight left in her to argue and it settled the potential argument between you two about paying for the cones. You were waiting for her to stare him down until he accepted her money or something, but she simply sighs, puts her wallet in her pocket and says thank you before she walks over to the table with Jordyn. You stand there for a moment stunned before you join them at the booth. 

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Even as you pull back into the driveway of your house Natasha doesn’t say any of her usual starter conversations. She doesn’t even ask to stay for dinner. How can she stay near you any longer than she had to right now? The small moment of happy talkative six-year-old and soft served ice cream cones as a distraction wasn’t enough for her heart to be at ease, at least not today. You shot down her hope when she saw the name pop up on your phone screen. She felt betrayed and she knows she shouldn’t, but she still expected some sort of loyalty from you. She wants to go back home and head straight for the boxing bag and later the gun range and maybe after that she’ll spar with Sam. 

She needed to release this anger even with her minor injuries, no pain could be more impactful than losing you completely and her chance to be a family. As soon as you stop the car and turn off the engine Natasha gets out of the car and opens the back door for Jordyn. Natasha kneels in front of Jordyn as she sits in her car seat. “Hey, Goober, I have to head back to the compound now, and I’m sorry that I can’t stay for dinner tonight.” You spotted the lie instantly, but you can understand her reasoning for it. “It’s okay mama, I know you’re in pain.” Natasha was surprised, sure she knows Jordyn can pick up on things, but this was on a whole other level. Surely, she couldn’t have picked up on her mother’s emotion. “What?”  

“Mommy said you were a bit banged up today, remember?” A sigh of relief releases from her lips as Jordyn looks down at her. “Yeah, right.” Natasha holds her arms out and Jordyn practically leaps off of the seat and into her mother’s arms. “I love you and I’m so proud of you, keep up the great work, okay?” Jordyn pulls back from the embrace and nods her head in agreement. “I love you too mama.” Natasha places a kiss on her forehead as she pulls back from the hug and stands on her feet. she helps Jordy out of the car, closes the door and walks towards her car without sparring you a glance. “Goodnight, Y/n.” She doesn’t wait around for you to reply to her as she gets in her car and pulls off. You lead Jordyn to the front door and release a much-needed breath as you close the door behind you and work on getting dinner ready. “Goodnight, Red.”

 After settling Jordyn down from her sugar high and cleaning up the rest of dinner you stare blankly out the kitchen window. You’ve been distracted since the moment Natasha stepped through the front door hiding her evident display of pain. The familiar feeling of magnetic pull that sparked between you two before your phone rang, before things went left. Had that phone not rang your lips would’ve touched for the second time in years. You can’t decide if the interruption was a good thing or a bad thing at the moment, your mind is completely disheveled. Your phone rings and the name that pops up give you an immediate ick. Tony Stark. you roll your eyes and swiftly decline the call, you honestly thought you had the number blocked, after the whole sokovia accords you really weren’t too fond of Tony, Steve or the avengers in general even though Natasha made her own choices. The phone rings immediately after your denial but this time it answers before you even have time to decline it again. “What the hell?” you inspect the phone curiously, no way you had a bug on your phone you don’t even go anywhere. “That was very rude to hang up on me before even saying hello.” Tony’s arrogant and sarcastic voice sounds throughout your kitchen. its late, you’ve had a long day and the last things you want to be doing is talking to Tony Stark of all people. “What do you want Stark?” 

“Ah, straight to the point I guess, I’m having a nice party this weekend and I thought I’d personally invite you.”

 “No, thank you.” You were keeping your ground, you forgot how persistent the billionaire could be and you did not miss it at all.

“Wait, hold on just come hang out, catch up with a few people you don’t have to stay long.” Truth be Told Tony was doing this for Natasha, after seeing her today he had to come up with something to get you two in the same room together. away from your normal settings and in a new environment. you bite your tongue hard, what’s makes him think that you want to catch up with any of them? things turned out great for everyone else that was not a part of the avengers. Coulson died, Jordan died, Ward was a trader, and your marriage died. “Look Tony I-” your words fall short when he mumbles the word, he whispered it so soft that you almost missed it. “Please.” You’ve never heard him say that word for as long as you had surveillance on him when you were an agent at shield.

“Fine, Stark. I’ll show up to the party as long as you bring out the good stuff none of that watered down fancy shit.” he chuckles on the other end of the phone; he was expecting you to curse him out for not leaving you alone after you already said no. “You got it, party starts at nine.” after you both hang up Tony drops his phone and rubs his temples. he looks up from his desk with a blank expression. “I didn’t my part, but you better make damn sure this doesn’t go horribly wrong Wilson, this was your idea. I don’t need Two angry Russians and an ex-shield agent on my ass, I’m getting too old for this.”

“Trust me Tony, everything will go smooth, you’ll see.” Sam stands up from the seat patting Tony on his back and leaves his office. the outcome between you and Natasha’s interaction is always unpredictable, but the question is will this time end with a happy ending?

[sobbingstars]

SEASON 4 UMBRELLA ACADEMY SPOILERS!!!

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Hi! WHAT THE FUCK! My hot takes on this latest season bc if I don’t say these I’m gonna go insane.

Luthor: becoming a dancer was really funny. It was also kinda nice bc he was so ashamed of his body b4 when he was part monkey, so it’s good to see him being more comfortable in his own skin. And speaking of him being part monkey, that had NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS POWERS. His powers are SUPER STRENGTH, his father INJECTED HIM WITH MONKEY DNA OR SMT TO SAVE HIS LIFE. Made NO SENSE!

Diego: Diego being an absent/emotionally neglectful/bad father made NO SENSE! We saw him with Stan, he learned to be a father. Plus, he had his own issues with his dad, of course he would mentally do everything he could to avoid being his father. And also, him and Lila being in an unhappy marriage was so weird. Like, man was literally obsessed w/ her in season 3. What???

Alison: So we decided to not address any of her wrongs and just forgive her. She ASSAULTED LUTHOR. She tried to KILL VICTOR. SHE KILLED HARLAN. SHR TEAMED UP WITH REGGIE. Nothing??? Just forgive her for reasons??? That being said, Claire bear you were STUNNING thank you for being here and thank you Millie Davis, you were my childhood. But also, girl??? Show some support for your uncle. He needs help sometimes, just bc he’s immortal doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings :(

Klaus: I actually think they didn’t go super wrong with Klaus. Him becoming super paranoid after losing his powers made sense bc he died like every other day and just didn’t notice bc he just kept coming back, so I’d be afraid of everything too. And I think him being scared to have his powers again bc he was afraid he’d relapse is honestly so in character. That being said, fake that he didn’t even consider talking to Dave once he was sober and had his powers and wasn’t actively trying to stop the end of the world. And yall don’t even know how upset I was when he started levitating with his SHOES ON. NOT COMIC ACCURATE.

Five: WORDS DONT DESCRIBE MY RAGE. BECOMING A CIA AGENT? WHEN THE WORLD WASN’T ACTIVELY ENDING AND HE COULD JUST RETIRE? YOU KNOW AT LEAST ON OF HIS SIBLINGS WOULD LET HIM STAY. AND FALLING IN LOVE WITH LILA?? IT MADE NO SENSE, WAS SO OUT OF CHARACTER EHRN HE LITERALLY WAS LIKE ‘Lila would be stupid to throw away her happy life’ AND PROCEEDED TO WRECK HER HAPPY LIFE? I GET THAT IT WAS SEVEN YEARS BUT GOD DAMN FIVE, YOU WERE MARRIED TO DOLORES FOR THIRTY! AND THEY DIDNT EVEN BRING HER UP! NOT ONCE! AND JUST GIVING UP AND LETTING THE WORLD END? FOR FUNSIES? ABANDONING HIS FAMILY? NOT GIVING TWO SHITS? MAN ENDED THE WORLD THREE TIMES TRYING TO SAVE HIS FAMILY! HIS FAMILY IS ONE OF THE ONLY THINGS HE CARES ABT AND HE WOULD NEVER EVEN CONSIDER GOING AFTER HIS BROTHERS WIFE! Five Hargreeves, they could never make me hate you, but what the FUCK!

Ben: So unrealistic that he didn’t break down any his siblings all being dead once. We deserved a heart between him and Five where Ben was like ‘All my family is dead’ and Fives like ‘I know how that feels’ bc his siblings were dead for 40+ years. Instead, he just had no character development at all and just died bc of a girl he met once. The only reason I was a little sad when he died was bc of season one and two Ben who was so sweet and amazing and season three Ben who just wanted to be loved and accepted. They didn’t even have any relationship development between him and Jennifer.

Victor: I’m sorry, he owns a BAR and was an awful boyfriend?? WHAT!? I was hoping we were gonna have this emotional scene where he plays the Violin again bc he hasn’t played it since he ENDED THE WORLD in season one, and he would be happy bc Violin was a genuine passion of his and he was gonna no longer be afraid. And being a bad boyfriend?? Unrealistic, he was so kind and good with kids??? Are you kidding??? That being said I really liked when he stood up to Reggie. That was rlly funny.

Lila: Yall know what I’m gonna say. You just KNOW. I GET that transitioning from full time assassin to full time mom would be a hard switch but you’re telling me she WOULDN’T have ANY sort of job? NONE??? With all her family being back in her life? She’d just sit in the house? And she wouldn’t sit in the house and be unhappy. She would absolutely call Diego out on his shit and complaining problem and he’d be like ‘Yes ma’am.’ Bc their relationship was so fun in season two and three and then they made it into a no-fun, unhappy marriage, and Lila just had so little of her original personality. And her liking Five was so weird. She sees him as a KID. He LOOKS like a kid. Made no sense.

Reggie: Actually wasn’t a total ass this season. Got into a malewife/girlboss relationship. Managed to actually have feelings. That being said, why how the fuck was he an ALIEN IN SEASON TWO??? I get that his wife was the one with the weird power things, but they just??? Never explained it??? What was going on??? I was so confused this ENTIRE SEASON.

[william-voidson]

hey so, i followed your previous blog but only noticed it deactivated recently (apologies for that, life got busy so i wasn't keeping up as much)

i only really knew after i tried finding you on htsan's blog in all honesty

and i was initially trying to find the IJAG bot you made, but that's also gone

if you don't mind me asking, what happened? it's alright if it's personal, i dont mean to pry, and good timezone to you!

(also just wanted to say that i love your art, it makes my day everytime i see it :>)

(Long important post incoming. Mentions of grooming and suicide for those that want to avoid it, I’m really sorry to the original anon, I’m willing to bet you didn’t expect this as an answer, but it is important I say so.)

Honestly it’s probably good if I explain- I kinda wanted a fresh start with this new account but it’s getting pretty clear that’s not an option. There are a few reasons and some of them are important to me specifically.

However.

The first is not a very happy explanation.

And I’d rather be out with it now and let people pass judgment than have it hanging over my head forever.

So

Reason number 1

‼️ I am not an adult ‼️

And this is my (probably not very well-handled way) of taking responsibility for that.

I completely understand if people who are coming from my old account feel lied to or frustrated, and I will have no reservation for if anyone wants to block me for their own comfort. I became very aware after checking my old following that I had a LOT of 20/30+ people that liked my art.

But yeah, not an adult. As of 10/2/25, I’m 16, going to be 17 in August. If you don’t know a lot about me, that doesn’t seem like an especially surprising thing, however, if you had been following along with my old account enough, you know that I often praised and reblogged and made art for a lot of other ADULT artists on here. (Not necessarily nsfw, but definitely people who are over 18) Thing is, I never once expected any of them to notice my babbling, let alone for them to DM me and get more familiar with my account.

I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE IT EXTREMELY LOUD AND CLEAR. NONE OF THE ARTISTS I INTERACTED WITH HAVE EVER ONCE MADE ME FEEL UNSAFE OR HARASSED OR COERCED. THEY ARE LOVELY PEOPLE AND DID NOT KNOW ABOUT MY AGE, I AM THE ONE IN THE WRONG HERE FOR NOT BEING TRANSPARENT.

Now I did do a lot to avoid actively transgressing any comfort. I blocked specific tags, and I didn’t tend to message them out of the blue, cause that would be weird.

But

There were also places that I most definitely cocked up, felt ashamed, and felt too scared to address, because I know for a fact there’s adult accounts out there that have every right to be pissed with me. To be honest, I’m still scared. It’s one of the reasons that consistent posting has never been easy when I overthink everything.

Two stand out, and I’m going to be honest about them.

Number one, the april fool’s little one shot I made in reference to htsan’s series where Sans tries to contact you over the phone. Now if you know or remember that specific fanfic, Sans leaves a message for the Anomaly, talking about how much he misses them and how he imagines being intimate with them. I really loved that story, read it over frequently and cried to it frequently. And so I wanted to make something that had been rattling around in my head for a while as a way to bring more attention to it. And while I didn’t make my appreciation fic nsfw, the source fic still had clear meaning of it, and my interaction with it was very wrong.

This was an example of my previous experiences of thinking that creators wouldn’t pay attention to the things I posted (honestly stupid of me and I still don’t know what to do with the initial fanfic)

Number two, has something to do with Ikustioa, who I am very aware is someone who has the least time of anyone to deal with my bad decisions and am equally very sorry to. But it does have to do with her very well made Seeing Red fanfic, made for Aggre(g/v)ation. I’m personally still not certain if this was a small or massive transgression, but it feels too notable to ignore. The long and short of it is that I commented that I still loved it, Ikustioa made the next chapter, and quote gave me a ‘cordial nod’. Again, not her fault, she didn’t know that I shouldn’t have been there. But I still feel really bad about it, and will be going about removing what interactions I can.

Either way, and however you cut it, this comes down to me being woefully inactive with my own gods damned protection. I have since (not just since deleting my old account, I’ve been trying to be more careful and more respectful for a while) been doing more to directly avoid the adult accounts that would be rightfully angry with me if I interacted with them. Later this year I may be trying to tell these notable accounts what I did and apologising so that they know upfront, but I very recently got some rattling and sad news that I’m going to be dealing with for a few months.

Reason number 2 (less important but this is an explanation about my character.ai bots)

For character.ai specifically, a friend of mine sent me a news article not too long ago about a depressed boy that had killed himself, and evidence on his phone suggested that a c.ai bot had been giving him bad advice. I don’t know if this is real, I know no one did it on purpose, ai bots just follow a thin algorithm, they physically don’t have the capability to kill someone on purpose. It’s generation. It’s different every time, and I am fully sorry for that boy’s poor mother that had to find all of this out by herself. I took my bots off public because, though a thin likelihood, I would be sick to my stomach if someone hurt themselves or worse because of something my bots said because I couldn’t control it.

I understand that my bots also helped and calmed and made a lot of people happy, but this is not up for debate about who here isn’t getting hurt in comparison. I generally don’t trust character.ai to be responsible about how young people can access there bots. Case in point. I can, and I’m 16.

After this post is made, I’m going to have to delete my account on Janitor.ai too. I’m sorry, but with light of me being underage, I hope you understand why I can’t be on janitor for the next few years. I’m honestly now grappling with wanting to delete this tumblr account too now after I make this public. I just wanted a fresh slate to post the more longstanding ideas I had for fanfics and fanart without bothering anybody. But that’s really feeling impossible. I’m not allowed to let this go away without hurting anyone.

So, to recap. I’m 16 and was trying to make up for the adult accounts I had no right in interacting with, I’m wary of character.ai’s restrictions or lack thereof, and I’m sorry.

[hawkogurl]

Hi I’m free from bcc so I’m basically getting all the pent up posting out of my system. Anyways Harry Amnesia Arc from sm3, while misguided, is something remarkably easy to figure out the reasoning behind. It’s not just needing to bench him, there are other reasons this choice was made. If they only needed that, they could take him out in other ways.

I feel like this is important to acknowledge if nothing else for the sake of not throwing the baby out with the bathwater in analysis or writing related to spider man 3. Because, and it’s not just this for the record, prior to sm3, something that’s abundantly obvious if you spend as much time digging through 20 year old fan groups as I do, people commonly really did not like Harry. Often because people project onto Peter very heavily, are upset about him dating one woman one time if they’re invested in that, or in some cases just aren’t willing to empathize. But from the perspective of the creators, who very obviously wanted to redeem this guy from the beginning (he wouldn’t be shown struggling so actively and initially resisting his hallucinations of Norman if he wasn’t), it’s kind of not good if half your audience often unjustly doesn’t like one third of your main trio. If they aren’t willing to empathize and it’s a bit late in the game to try and force it, AND you need to neutralize him for a little while, what are your options?

I think they saw the benefits of bluntly showing their audience that this character was never intended to be cruel or malicious at heart. By allowing him to remain present in the story in such a specific way, they gain the benefit of showing that he has the same humanity that makes all these characters so good and these movies so iconic. He’s not bad, his default state isn’t violent or malicious, he’s human. All of those characters are.

I think a sentiment I hear a lot of people agree with when discussing Raimi Harry is that while he’s very different from 616, his writing still somehow understand the core of Harry as a character in a way that so many subpar Harry versions don’t. And I think, among many things, is the fact that these movies understand that Harry normally foils Peter in a way that, while still rather specific, is still very adaptable. Harry and Peter are, at their cores, very similar people. They’re good, they’re kind, and in their own ways they are soft. The biggest thing that shapes them different from each other is their circumstances. Peter’s path to being who he becomes is shaped by the fact that, though he loses a lot at such a young age, he was raised by two people who believed in the things that sit at the core of Spider-Man’s actions. He had community, he had support, and that set him on the path to provide his community with that support. He had everything that he knows actually matters. The choices he makes are because of who he is, but who he is is a result of where he came from, as it is for most people. To contrast, Harry was raised in, regardless of what you think Norman intended, a privileged yet very hostile environment. Knowing that he didn’t have that support, that he was neglected at minimum, taking notice of the ways that Norman leaps at chances to bring him down verbally in the first movie are all important to understanding this. One single moment of Norman manipulating him stating his affection isn’t going to mean that all goes away. That stuff sticks with you for years, for your life if it isn’t addressed. And even without Norman around, while he’s an adult, he’s shown to have nobody around him. Peter is struggling financially but he has MJ, Ursula, Betty, and for times he has Gwen and Otto. Even if Harry has money, there’s nobody around him. Peter is the one to avoid him. He doesn’t have many connections beyond that. Harry has everything but has nothing, Peter has nothing but has everything. If Peter had been in that situation, he could have been the same as Harry. The same is true for Harry. And the most important thing of all, the most important aspect of how Harry foils him is that in all Things That Are Good, it’s never written like his poor choices and his circumstances mean it’s too late for him. He always still has the chance to make it better, to come back from it and choose his identity and who he wants to be.

And I think that’s part of why this choice was made. It’s stupid and poorly executed, but they wanted you to know he’s just a person at his core. Without remembering Norman—without remembering his circumstances—he’s in a lot of ways the same as Peter. Those traumatic parts of his life have shaped every aspect of his adulthood—without that, he’s happy. That’s the point. That’s why this is here. And I think that’s why it ends how it does. For a while he’s able to ignore that hurt and forget about it, but the moment something can link back to one of the places of trauma for him, that’s when it comes back. He’s fine until, and by god this is not MJ’s responsibility, events that happen remind him of not being anyone’s first choice, or of his own isolation in the latter movies, or of whatever you wanna take from all that.

I’m getting off topic but there’s a degree I wish Harry had lived thematically and sort of wonder if he would have if Venom wasn’t around. Norman dies as a consequence of his own actions and after doubling down on them. Otto dies because it’s not too late for him to change, but that also means it’s his responsibility to fix the results of his own actions. I feel it makes natural sense for the third movie to have an antagonist who chooses to change and lives to do so. It isn’t too late for him to decide what he wants for himself or to be better, he just needs to take the chance to.

[sapphicsdonowrong]

Unpopular OITNB opinions because I’m bored and procrastinating

I had little to no interest in Taystee and found her outright annoying at times. She was okay in the earlier seasons and my idea of her was that she was good character that I didn’t like due to personal preference. However, in the later season, I felt that she could be irritating, irrational and depressing in an unenjoyable way and that she got far too much screen time for what I considered to be a rather dull plot.

I find it hilarious when people try to complain about people on the show being mean or bad people. Like yes, that’s why 99% of them have landed themselves in prison. The funniest examples of this complaint are when people say that Lorna, someone who grew up Italian-American in New York, could sometimes say racist things or when Flaritza, two girls who probably couldn’t even legally drink before they went to prison and, in Maritza’s case at least, didn’t seem to have parents who cared for them, could sometimes be bitchy and immature. These comments are even funnier when whoever says this then goes on to say that they love Frieda, Carol and Barb.

In my personal opinion, Season 2 was the best season quality-wise but Season 4 was better when it came down to drama and entertainment. Season 3 was actually one of my favourites aside from Alex’s whole paranoid arc and I didn’t really mind the panty storyline. Season 1 was obviously good, if a little slow and boring at first. Season 5 shouldn’t have dragged on for so long, if they were only going to cover three days, although I probably would have enjoyed it if it hadn’t felt so absurd and weird compared to previous seasons. Season 7 was depressing trauma porn from start to finish and Season 6 was dreadful n every single way and a terrible conclusion for the riot.

I felt like the family dynamics became way less cohesive it’s the show progressed and people that had once gotten on perfectly well were suddenly at each other’s throats and vice versa. A good example of this was Spanish Harlem which went from a clearly outlined family where Aleida and Gloria acted as parents, Blanca was not a part of the group and the other four ( Maria, Daya, Maritza and Flaca ) pretty much did whatever Aleida said. Contrast this to Season 4/5 where Aleida leaves but Flaritza and Maria don’t seem to even notice, Gloria just let’s Maria have control over Harlem with no complaints whatsoever, Maria and Maritza seem to be at each other’s throats one second and back to there seemingly rather good Season 2/3 friendship the next, Blanca is suddenly an active member of the group and Gloria only cares about Daya. This faulty dynamic is true for all of the other groups as well, and never gets the chance to recover after they are sent to Max.

I didn’t like how some of the seriously traumatic stuff that happened to some of these characters, especially in Season 4, was never addressed by the show again and seemed to forgotten after the episode ended by both the writers and the character themself. You’re telling me that Maritza was creeped on, forced to eat a live animal, held at gunpoint and repeatedly harassed but she bounced back after throwing up like twice and hugging Flaca. In reality, she would probably take a long while to recover or feel truly comfortable in her own skin again, maybe even experiencing some PTSD, which could have been an interesting storyline to take her character down through Season 5, instead of relegating her back to comedy bits and pop culture references.

That’s all my opinions for now, although I will probably make a Part 2 for this post. Hope you agreed with at least one of my takes and that you don’t want to kill me for some of the things I said.

[zemdr]

Letter to My Younger Self #1: 8th Grade Mental Health

Dear 8th grade me,

I’m writing to you from 2025, 14 years later. Enough time has passed to where your struggles with mental health are almost as old as you were when they began. I am twice as old as you now, with more than twice the amount of knowledge about the world that I wish I had when I was your age. I got the idea to write this letter because I put on Twilight Woods lotion - the same lotion you always wore - and the memories of you came flooding back. It’s interesting how closely linked memories are to our sense of smell.

To start things off, I want to say I’m proud of you. I am so fucking proud of you. You fought every single day to stay alive without the professional help you desperately needed. You begged your parents to take you to a hospital, but they refused. You talked to your dad about medication options while he was helping you with math homework and he snapped and said we weren’t going to talk about this right now. They refused to get you help (save for the weekly Dr. R visits that weren’t of much help) until the end of 8th grade when a psychiatrist finally said you needed to be in a 9-3 program. I still remember the way our mom cried when she got the news of how ill we were. Despite enduring months of being actively suicidal, rehearsing suicide methods, planning goodbyes, you stayed alive. That takes so much strength. You did that, at only 13/14 years old.

Your 8th grade teachers had so much love for you. Memories of them that still stick out to me 14 years later are as follows:

- Mr. Y pulling you out of class to talk about your noticeable mental health decline, saying “we’re worried about you” in the kindest, grandfatherly tone of voice that still rings in my head when I think of him

- You were crying in homeroom, around 7:30 am, and Mrs. E came up to you, put her arms on your shoulders and said, “You’re already having a bad day, this early in the morning?” She didn’t say this in a judgmental way, but rather a sympathetic acknowledgement of your pain.

- Mrs. M noticed you were struggling to get the daily homework done due to your mental health. To be fair, she was assigning 30+ geometry questions a night, which probably would’ve taken a toll on any middle schooler. But to accommodate your needs but not single you out, she made a class announcement saying that students don’t have to complete all 30 questions, that doing a few from each section would suffice just to let her know you understand the material. You were a perfectionist though, so you still solved all 30 problems every night. You really should’ve taken her offer up, it would have saved you nights of headaches.

- Mrs. N absolutely loved your end-of-the-year poetry book project. Your theme for the book was all about battling your depression. One of the poems you added was actually a song - “Who Says” by Selena Gomez. Looking back on that - the fact that you chose a Disney Channel song for your project - you really were still just a child, despite fighting the darkest thoughts. But your project made Mrs. N cry, and she gave you an A+.

The fact that you had so many supportive adults in your life is incredible. Not too many kids get to say that. Your parents may had not understood your mental health struggles just yet, but your teachers did and fought with you to keep you alive. I think if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be here writing you this letter.

Let’s address the elephant in the room here - the cutting. I have some mixed feelings about this. Our mother punished us in traumatic ways when she found out you were self-harming, and these punishments still haunt me to this day. As an adult, I’m very secretive about my self-harm urges, and I hold a lot of guilt and shame when I relapse. Yes, this is something that we still struggle with at 28 years old. I even fought urges today.

Part of me thinks back to the first time we self-harmed, sitting on the toilet that November 2010 night with our little pink razor, and wonder what life would be like if we had never started this addiction. I fantasize about a life where I don’t have urges to hurt myself when I get upset. But I don’t blame you. You were a child who was curious. You had a friend that was self-harming, you were immersed in online emo culture where self-harm was a common stereotype. You wanted to see if it really provided the emotional relief you heard about. And it did. Not only did the physical pain offset the emotional pain, but you now had viewable evidence on your body of how much you were suffering. Our mom should have responded to this with gentle love and worry, but instead, she responded with aggression. You did nothing wrong by asking for help in a way a child without any more words to express their pain possibly could.

I’m sorry you didn’t get the care you needed when you needed it. Living with active suicidal ideation for months as a young teenager has left a traumatic scar in our brain. I always fear getting to a point where I feel that badly for such a long duration. I won’t lie and say it hasn’t happened, but the good news is that days, weeks, months, etc. begin to go by faster as you get older. So the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t seem like it’s decades away anymore - maybe just a few calendar years.

The hard truth that goes against everything keeping you alive during your 8th grade year is that things don’t really “get better.” I know that’s your motto - “things will get better,” but they don’t, at least in the way you’re hoping. Chronic mental illness cannot be cured. Rather, your symptoms and suffering ebb and flow with the seasons, life circumstances, and whatever cocktail of medications you’re on. Things may not permanently get better, but you won’t always feel as bad as you do right now.

This has been a really long letter, and I don’t know how to wrap this up. I guess I’ll end by saying I love you, and I see how hard you’re working to keep yourself alive even when you desperately don’t want to live. I’m so incredibly proud of you.

- 28 year old me, 2025

[voner99]

so back at the beginning of December 2024 I accepted a job that doesn’t pay enough money per hour and doesn’t give me enough hours after I was wrongfully terminated on October 21. So yes there has been some things that I didn’t like that with my current job that I was yelled at for literally doing my job as told and I will not go into detail on it all. What I have decided to do is work where I am until I can get back into mega coop even if it’s a different location with a Chippewa address or somewhere else that will pay me $14,$15, or $16 an hour and give me 25 to 40 hours a week and give my current employer a two weeks notice and not burn any bridges with them as you don’t know if you ever have to go back to them for whatever reason. My main focus is to still work my way up at a place to assistant manager to bring a positive atmosphere to retail and then plan on my future retirement that will be in many years from now. I will be working on building my YouTube channel up so I can monitize it once I get a little over a thousand subscribers. I have a GoFundMe that is still active for raising money to help my husband and I get our bills caught up especially with my Klarna payments due to I fell behind in December due to my husband wouldn’t let me take any money out to pay for my debt. With my GoFundMe account I haven’t been able to get anyone to donate even a dollar to me so I even shared the link in some facebook groups and some took it down on me and some said oh send me the link or go here for help which was absolutely no help at all and in the USA there’s no helping hands organization to help us pay bills and if they’d click on the GoFundMe link they’d be able to donate money through that not me needing to send a different link. I think that people were assuming that I was using GoFundMe as a way to scam them when I wasn’t and I genuinely needed help with our bills temporarily. Like one youtuber said on their channel when they used GoFundMe to raise money “help someone out and in the future they may help you out in return “. Even if I can still get donations to help I will only use the funds to pay bills and possibly pay off Klarna if I can raise enough money. The thing I can say is that in October 2024 I wasn’t planning on getting fired or wanting to get fired from a company that I was actively looking for a new job so I could leave them with a two weeks notice and not burn any bridges with. It was a shock and it sent worry into me and made my husband having two or more really bad anxiety attacks and having to take him to the hospital more than once. Another piece of advice I gotten from my mom and husband which is true I don’t know if I will be going back to mega coop for employment once they are hiring again, I could end up somewhere else but my gut feeling is that I’ll be going back to mega coop. On top of that my Klarna account is on pause until the middle of March so I’m trying to pay off as much as possible before then as my husband still wants me to watch how much money I use.

[jodilin65]

Back to feeling fatigued again. I didn’t have anything sugary, so I hope it’s only because I took a Benadryl before bed since my nose was stuffier than usual. The nasal dilator wasn’t enough, so I got up and put on a breathing strip. I was worried I’d suffocate while awake, but I didn’t, which convinces me even more that the week of suffocating was caused by the nasal spray. Another thing I woke up with was a sore throat. I haven’t been out in days, so I couldn’t have caught anything from anyone. It’s probably just a dry spot that got irritated during my sleep. I’ll take Claritin before I crash.

Good and bad updates on both the AC and Kathy! The AC will be fixed next Tuesday, which is great, but the bad news is that, even though Tom said other companies could fix it for cheaper, this one wouldn’t budge on the price or give us a discount. So, a less-than-stellar review is in order once it’s fixed. When it breaks again in three years or less, we won’t use this company. So much for the peace of mind that comes with a new AC. Thank God for these portable units! (And no, I’m still not sure if there’s a God, so don’t take that literally—it’s just a figure of speech.)

As for Kathy, she didn’t ghost me. She said she’d never dare do that. She accidentally nearly killed herself. I had no idea she was struggling so much! I told her I wish I’d known, that I would’ve been there for her, and she said she knew I would’ve been. I guess the stress of family life got to her. She felt totally overwhelmed by Adam and the kids not picking up after themselves, among other things. She got into a fight with Adam, Nadia was butting into adult situations, and JoJo was being a “butthead” at school. He has learning disabilities, which makes matters worse. Also, whenever she spoke up about something, all hell would break loose.

She didn’t mean to kill herself but went home after dropping the kids off at school and swallowed a bunch of pills. She said she just wanted to shut the world out for six to eight hours. Then, when she went to pick the kids up, Nadia noticed something was off and reached out through Messenger Kids to her bestie’s mom, who called an ambulance. Kathy was taken to the hospital, transferred for treatment, and now she’s in outpatient therapy. She’ll reactivate Facebook in a week or two. She said they took her phone, so she couldn’t fill me in until now. I remember that from when I had a breakdown in Connecticut and wasn’t allowed to contact the outside world for the first few days—not sure how they think that helps, but that’s just how it was. I told her I’ve been in her shoes before, although for different reasons, so if anyone gets it, it’s me.

I’m still not open to new friendships, though, at least not for a while. I’m tired of people going ballistic over the most mundane and innocent comments I leave on their posts, not to mention the stupidity, lies, and false assumptions in general.

Time will tell if I’ll be dealing with fatigue regularly again—and it wouldn’t surprise me—it won’t be the end of the world. It’s clear that we’re not moving. Fatigue might occasionally interfere with my in-home activities or make some appointments unpleasant, but it won’t kill me. Maybe someday I’ll get another CPAP because it doesn’t seem like I’ll be able to get a mouthguard made. It’s just not common, and he couldn’t find anyone in the area who does it. Maybe I’ll find a different insurance company next month that covers more, but I doubt it. I’ve learned long ago that life rarely goes the way we plan or want. At least the CPAP is still an option.

I always try to improve the areas of my health and personality I think need it, and one thing I definitely need to work on is being more grateful and less of a complainer to Tom. He’s been really stressed out because I’ve been so into the idea of moving, desperate to address my sleep apnea, and stressing about the snowbirds returning. He’s always had a hard time dealing with me venting. While he insists I can vent all I want and says he’s there for me, he’s just a super sensitive guy. So, even though he’d never tell me not to talk to him about things, it still stresses him out.

I reassured him that, after thinking about it, we really don’t need to move. First, we don’t have the money. Second, this house has withstood canes for nearly 25 years. Third, every time we’ve tried to go off-grid in the past, it’s been a disaster. Maricopa wasn’t quite off the grid, but Oregon sure was, and I have no doubt that unforeseen disasters would keep setting us back. Besides, we’re not young anymore, and building a house wouldn’t be easy—not to mention being too far from doctors, or having to burn trash like in Maricopa which I know Tom hated, and picking up mail. He hates in-person shopping, too, and we’d have to do that if we moved somewhere Walmart wouldn’t deliver.

Lastly, I don’t want to deal with sonic booms again. It was a nice fantasy while I was sick and stressed from Hurricane Milton. Sure, some breathing room around us would’ve been nice, but it’s just not a reality anymore.

Yes, the snowbirds are annoying, but at least it’s only half the year and not year-round. If the honker wakes me up, so be it. Technically, he’s not doing anything wrong. I mean, it’s wrong, but it’s not. Motorcycles shouldn’t be allowed in adult communities, but these communities aren’t what they used to be in the ‘80s, and that’s just the way it is. You can make all the noise you want during the day, and if he wakes me up, that’s my problem, not his. It’s not his fault I can’t always be up in the daytime. I’m not sure yet if he’ll actually wake me up. I worry about it with the new bedroom setup, but I’ll just keep turning the sound machine up louder and shove an earplug in my good ear if that’s what I need to do. There’s also the option of adding a second device on the other side of the bedroom so my nature sounds come from more than one speaker. For now, I’ll just try turning the device on my headboard shelf a little louder like I used to and see if that’s enough. If not, I’ll adjust from there.

Instead of dreaming about moving, I’m going to appreciate this place more and what it has to offer, even if it’s too small. Most of my venting will go in my journal from now on. That’s part of what it’s for anyway. Plus Swell.

Tomorrow it's back to highs in the 80s and lows in the 60s. :)

[ri-notafan]

‘Fraud detection services’ calls me for my phone service provider, so I reset my password as I start talking to them because it’s usually recommended if there’s suspicions of suspicious activity and I feel it’s the equivalent to having already turned your computer off and on again before you reach out to tech: the bare minimum, ya know?

So I’m entering this with only a partial brain because I’m trying to remember the password to reset my password, going through my coded notes and shit.

Guy in the call says he needs me to reset to this ‘auto-generated temporary password’ in order for me to get the person hunted down on the other end that was apparently buying phones on my account. He asked if I knew ______ person and ______ address these were set to ship to, to which I say that I don’t know these folks and it wasn’t me. I’m all for them tracking who used my account so I agree that they should take action against them.

He’s all ‘okay, we’ll do that on our end and I’ve flagged the account so _____, my manager, can start the process, so here’s what you need to do’ and lists some steps about resetting a password or something. Said he was sending some text and whatever it was and I’m trying to shift to speakerphone to hear and work on my phone (I wasn’t gonna pull out my computer). He’s asking for confirmation about whatever text as I’m going through my phone service app and I only had part of an ear, so I’m like ‘hush, I’m trying to get this to work and it won’t if you keep asking me every four seconds if I got whatever you sent’. I think he said he sent something and resent something a couple times? Which, why resend it if you didn’t get confirmation in two seconds?? Wouldn’t that just negate the other ones you sent? Like chill, man.

Finally I get to tell him that I just reset the password to my account when talking to him (therefore he now had my fullest attention) but he gets irate when I say I didn’t reset the password to the one he said to use bc apparently that’s the only way to get the process going to track down this other person. It was “required” and “protocol” and “necessary” to be monitored for fraud.

🙄 listen, having a bad day or not being the best at your job is something I get so I can regretfully excuse the disposition, but I’m getting fishy vibes now. That doesn’t sound like two things that should be related. The math isn’t mathing, if you will.

I’m all ‘sure, fine, you say it’s required but before I do that, tell me why it has to be that password. I got this call because you supposedly already were monitoring for fraud and I didn’t need a password change for that to happen in the first place, so why now? And why would I have to click the link you sent if I can just change it directly in the app? The process should be the same. And also, if you were able to rattle off an address to this other person who bought those phones and I confirmed it wasn’t me who did it, then why do I have to change my password to that specific one for the phone company for that person to get their consequences? And if I only have one card connected to my account and I didn’t receive the charge notification for that like I do seconds after every time I use the card, then did it really go through?’. —all legitimate questions to ask!

He got pissed (man, you’re the one who called me, not the other way around??) and condescending and was saying it’s just necessary and he didn’t write the protocols and he just works there yada yada (again, man, you called me).

He hung up on me as I’m explaining that I understood what he wanted me to do but I wanted a specific reason why it would be required to change it to that specific password and that I would not tell him what I changed it to.

Fucking rude experience. Glad I didn’t have anything else to do. Blocked the number now but I’m trying to report the number to my phone company as an FYI and the AI chatboxes are horrendous 😑 Just let me drop the info!

Anyway.

As I reset my password I noticed that you can use your username or phone number to login with your password, and as they called me, they would already have the number.

If I reset to what they wanted they would have full access, but as they should already have all the info they needed if they actually worked for my service provider then we shoulda been done with them just recommending a password change stuff for my end.

This guy gave a name and employee number and everything quickly before giving me instructions but they would be too fast for someone to really make note of before having to switch tracks with their words. And they said something like ‘regarding the account ending in ####?’ and a few other technical jargon buzzwords that sounded similar to the experience of calling a customer service line. It would be easy to have the sense of authority and legitimacy without the ability to call someone out.

I checked my email after everything and where it says I reset my password and it did the usual ‘you’ve reset your password, if this wasn’t you then call [this] number but if it was then you’re good, have a good day’ and it was NOT the number that called me.

Also on the bottom of that email notification was my account number, which had none of the numbers listed by that person.

TLDR; Ask why and get real reasons before acting. Keep a cool head and your critical thinking sharp.