#I'll now return to my regular program

[eiswolfzero]

My version of Shining Armor and a lil sickly Fluttershy/Shining Armor kid

Featuring my Twilight and Fluttershy redesign as height comparison

[noirscript]

08; the resurrection

Pairing: Yandere!Preacher x Reader Description: You’ve been paraded before the world as a miracle—reborn, beloved, and serene—while inside, you ache with the silent horror of knowing he’s not done with you yet. Beneath white silk and hollow smiles, you brace for the future he’s already decided: one where even your womb belongs to him. Warning/s: Yandere | Implied Noncon | Implied Breeding | Captivity | Psychological Manipulation | Emotional Trauma | Forced Worship | Identity Erasure | Dissociation | Religious Delusions Note/s: Yaay! We're finally about to return to regular programming. Jk. I'll be very busy in the next couple of days to work on Sovereign's Reign's ebook as well as Runes of Escape. Still commissions are open (I'm broke af at this point T^T)!

Prequel: The Procession

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The sunlight doesn’t warm you—it presses. Heavy, white-hot, blinding. You feel it baking into your scalp through the veil they pinned too tightly this morning. A cluster of pins digs into your temple, and for a moment, all you can focus on is the slow bloom of pain behind your left eye. But you don’t flinch. You’ve learned stillness. You’ve been taught the performance.

They call it rebirth.

They call it a miracle.

But all you feel is a kind of quiet horror, rising beneath your ribs like cold water.

The air is thick with rose petals and incense. Both cling to your skin, powdery and sweet, making your lungs ache. Your dress—white, of course—is long and flowing, the silk too heavy for the spring heat. Sweat beads at your lower back, slipping slowly beneath layers of fabric. You breathe evenly. You smile faintly. You do not fidget. Not when cameras flash like strobe lights. Not when people cry at the sight of you.

Victor’s hand is wrapped around yours. Gentle. Possessive. His thumb strokes slow, adoring circles over your knuckles. To the crowd, it’s tenderness. To you, it’s the leash.

“My children,” he says, voice rising like a hymn. “We have waited. We have wept. We have wondered if light could ever return to us…”

His voice is music. You’ve heard it in your sleep, through speakers in the walls. You’ve heard it through doors and drugs and dreamless nights. It no longer shocks you how easily he can weep for others. How his eyes glitter with conviction.

“But love,” Victor continues, lifting your joined hands toward the sky, “is stronger than despair. Love cannot die. And today—before you all—this love is returned to us in the flesh.”

The crowd erupts. Cheers. Cries. Chants. Some collapse to their knees, hands outstretched, desperate to touch your hem like you’re a saint. A few are pressed so close to the gate that you wonder if they’re breathing. The gates stay shut. Security lined along the perimeter, robbed in white and gold like angels armed with silent weapons.

You smile on cue.

“My beloved,” Victor says, turning to you, voice soft now, almost reverent. “Tell him what love has given you.”

Your mouth opens, and the words come, slow and deliberate. The same lines you’ve whispered into the dark a hundred times. The same lies you’ve polished into prayer.

“I was lost… and he found me.”

“I was broken… and love made me whole.”

“I was nothing. Now I am reborn.”

They weep.

You breathe.

Victor leans in, so close only you can hear. His breath brushes your ear like a benediction. “You sound perfect.”

You feel hollow. You feel like glass. And yet you stand there, radiant beneath the burning sun, while strangers fall to their knees and call it grace.

They don’t know the price.

They don’t know the pit you climbed out of.

They don’t know it was him who buried you in the first place.

And you smile.

Because if you don’t—if you slip—there are things worse than dying again.

• ─────⋅☾ ☽⋅───── •

Later, when the sun has mellowed and your smile is no longer needed, they allow you to walk the garden. The “Sacred Garden,” Victor calls it. A secluded space framed by marble columns and flowering trees, its gravel path winding like a labyrinth. You know the security team lingers somewhere behind the hedges. You’ve seen their shadows, caught the glint of lenses in the leaves. They never stop watching. Even now.

The scent here is real. Less perfumed, more organic. Soil. Leaves. The pale bloom of jasmine climbing the trellis. The wind moves through the trees in a whisper, lifting your skirt and teasing loose strands of hair. You cling to that breeze like it might carry you away. It doesn’t.

Ahead, a young woman kneels by a rosemary bush. She startles when she sees you, then quickly bows her head.

“My lady,” she says, breathless. “You’re walking.”

You nod, hands folded neatly at your front. “Only for a little while.”

“I didn’t think I’d ever see you,” she says, still kneeling, eyes bright with awe. “You’re real.”

You want to say yes. You want to say no. You want to take her by the shoulders and ask her how long she’s been here, how long she’s believed. If she remembers who she was before this place filled her lungs.

Instead, you kneel beside her, carefully, smoothing your dress as you lower yourself. The ground is warm beneath your knees.

“What’s your name?” you ask.

“Evi.”

“Evi.” You let her name roll across your tongue like something fragile. “You have kind eyes.”

She blushes furiously. “I pray for you. Every night. I—I hope that’s not wrong. I just want to be near your light.”

You force yourself to hold her gaze, to let her see kindness in your eyes. “It’s not wrong.”

Evi smiles, and you feel her faith press against you like a vice. Not because she’s naïve—but because she’s certain. She believes in you more than you ever did in yourself.

You reach for the rosemary, pluck a sprig, and press it between your fingers. Its scent is sharp, earthy, real.

“When I was in the dark,” you say quietly, “I dreamed of a garden. I didn’t know it was here. Maybe your prayers led me to it.”

Evi’s eyes shine with tears.

You leave her there, clutching rosemary, bowing her head like she’s touched God.

And all you can think as you walk away is: I have to keep pretending. For her. For everyone. If I stop pretending, I’ll shatter. And if I shatter… he’ll build me again. But worse.

• ─────⋅☾ ☽⋅───── •

The night, the room is cold.

It always is. Victor claims it helps you sleep better. “Still air,” he calls it. “Holy air.” You think it’s just another way to keep you quiet.

He brushes your hair at the vanity. You sit silently, watching him in the mirror. His fingers are careful, almost gentle, like he’s afraid you’ll fade if he’s too rough.

“You were breathtaking,” he says softly. “When you smiled… I felt the whole world pause.”

You don’t respond. You focus on the pressure of the brush against your scalp, the cool metal of the chair under your thighs.

“Do you remember what you said?” he asks. “When you first woke up?”

You don’t.

“You said, ‘Am I new?’” His voice softens even more. “You were.”

He sets the brush down, turns you to face him.

“You are.”

Victor takes your hands and kisses your knuckles, one by one. “Everything before… it was just the womb. Pain. Noise. Emptiness.”

He presses your palm flat against his chest. His heartbeat is steady. Real. Human. Terrifying.

“But now,” he whispers, “we’re going to create something that lives forever.”

Your stomach twists.

He leans in, lips at your temple.

“Next Easter,” he says, his voice soaked in awe, “they won’t just witness resurrection. They’ll witness a birth.”

You go still.

Victor smiles against your skin, reverent.

“It’s time for the world to know what our love can create.”

And just like that, you silence becomes a scream you cannot release.

Not yet.

Not here.

Not until you figure out how to die a third time.

TBC.

noirscript © 2025

Taglist: @hopingtoclearmedschool @violetvase @zanzie @neuvilletteswife4ever @yamekocatt @mel-vaz @vind1cta @greatwitchsongsinger @delusionalricebowl @nomi-candies @jsprien213 @kaii-nana33 @saturnalya @yandereaficionado

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[mosaickiwi]

14DWY As a Drama AU

Hey remember when I said I’d post this in February oopsies!! (don’t ask me about demon!ren i will cry)

Open at your own risk this thing is LONG. Tried to give everyone at least a little something! upon putting this in my drafts i realized olivia exists i'll add her at some point uhhh. Also you can tell how much I love Elanor... hehe

14 Days With You is an 18+ Yandere Visual Novel. MINORS DNI

The cult classic romantic thriller, 14 Days With You, is now a drama! Coming to all your favorite streaming platforms this summer. A whirlwind romance gone right and wrong that you DON’T want to miss.

Cast List

[REDACTED]

🖤 Quiet kid that used the after school theater program to delay returning home. Never wanted to perform, but loved doing costumes, make up, and correcting others (in his mind) on how to portray their roles. 

🖤 Spent a little extra time perfecting the costumes of a certain someone who didn't even know they existed. He always traded house chores with his sister so she'd sit in the audience to solely film Tree #2's performance.

🖤 Was an apprentice special effects makeup artist after graduation at first, particularly for horror films, but it didn't exactly pay the bills when they left home.

🖤 Easily rose to the top in their acting career due to his dedication for crafting characters to perfection. 

🖤 Dolly Parton/Lady Gaga-esque in their separation of work and life—completely unrecognizable in their regular civilian attire. Paparazzi have never gotten a picture of them in all their years trying.

🖤 Has zero issues getting into character, but does "method acting" on occasion to make sure people leave them alone on set. And also to fuck with directors and producers they don't like. Notoriously difficult to work with because of it + their overall attitude towards others, still gets hired somehow.

🖤 Got offered the role as the main love interest in 14DWY without an audition, thanks to a previous manipulative pink haired character he played in a film that ended up never being released. (2017 Ren because it's funny)

 Angel (you!)

💜 Participated in the same after school theater program as [REDACTED] and Leon for a few semesters before you got bored of it. Curiosity for acting resurfaced later in life.

💜 Newbie actor at the recently formed talent agency of your friend. Only starred as non-speaking roles or background characters in small productions until the drama. You moved back to Corland Bay after uni for the better industry prospects.

💜 You initially auditioned for a very small role in the drama as an employee in a seaside shop at first, but somehow you wound up as the lead? (un)lucky you.

💜 Feel free to fill in the blank for any whys and hows you think of to fit your OC/self/sona as you so please <3

Elanor

💖 Normally an actress and casting director, first time as an executive producer for the drama. Dreams of bringing her own romantic screenplays to life. Hasn't quite proven herself the way she wants in the industry to feel confident enough in them. 

💖 Catalyst for the drama being made. A "friend" mistakenly recommended the 14DWY book to her. She absolutely loathes all the psychological horror of it but sees the potential it has.

💖 Also the reason [REDACTED] was immediately cast, and you as well once she saw your chemistry with him while reading for a minor role. He hadn't shown a fraction of as much interest when reading lines with other potential candidates, so she decided to take the risk of an untested talent as the headliner.

💖 Refuses to use her family's name to get her stuff made. She wants her works to speak for themselves. Very picky about who she works with due to her family having hands in most of Corland's entertainment industry so she hardly gets a genuine interaction beyond ass-kissing.

💖 Always partial to working with Conan's small studio since he was the only director to give her any sort of criticism in spite of her family, as gentle and polite as it was. She still cried a little in the dressing room though.

💖 Genuine confusion when Conan wants her to act as both a producer and assist with direction. She only intended to bring it to his interest. But how could she say no to someone whose judgment and opinion she respects so much?

Conan

💖 Runs and owns a small scale studio in the Bay that seems to pick and choose its productions at random. It is in fact Alice sneaking into her dad's home office and putting scented stickers on the ones she likes. (She only reads the titles)

💖 Extremely proud of Elanor for getting so far on her own, and would take on one of her dozens of scripts no questions asked if she'd only work up the courage to show him one. So imagine his surprise when she comes to him with a romantic horror instead of one of the fairy tale romances he sees her scribbling notes on during breaks.

💖 While he’s the one with the final say, he does try to let Elanor have as much free reign as possible on the project in the hopes to boost her confidence.

Kiara

💖 A super-star actress and model that got her start in Corland’s local industry, but quickly hit it big. 

💖 When she isn’t drowning in work, she’ll swing through town to check in on her sister.

💖 Desperately wants to star in one of Elanor’s productions, but respects her sister’s desire for independence. Though she does like to tease about certain casting decisions on the drama when made aware of them.

the rest of the cast are unfortunately very silly i couldn't resist

Moth

💖 Started a talent agency out of spite for the terrible castings in their favorite media. Got further invested upon realizing they could read the scripts before the movies or show adaptations were even announced.

💖 The one who pushed you to audition for a minor role in the production once the rumor about who was cast as the main love interest reaches them. They've heard all the horror stories about [REDACTED] so wanted the inside scoop. Horrified and fascinated to find out you get the lead role. It’s like watching a train wreck.

Leon

💖 Joined the theater program initially because of you, but got really into it. Moved away to attend a performing arts school until his mother got sick.

💖 Took every wacky infomercial or street performance gig he could find to pay the hospital bills until Teo found out and swooped in.

💖 Eternally grateful for the burden of financial ruin being relieved, so he always accepts the jobs Teo gets for him. He definitely won’t complain since he’s not dressed in an animal costume and shouting nonsensical slogans for cleaning products.

Teo

💖 Met Leon through a shared production and quickly bonded. Attended a different performing arts school and met Jae as a child.

💖 Almost the exact opposite of his game character purely for the funnies. Shy, introverted, can’t flirt to save his life. Still a nepo baby but he can hold his own in acting. Doesn’t like his character much, but is extremely jealous of the confidence he oozes.

💖 Leon and Jae are his only friends in the industry so he uses his sway to get them parts if they haven't already gotten a call back. Gets REALLY nervous on set for certain roles so he needs their support.

Jae

💖 Attended the same school as Teo when they were kids, and is constantly pitching intentionally bad ideas and joking on set to reassure his friend.

💖 A little bit of a thrill seeker, so does all his own small stunts if he thinks he’s capable. Stands there and gawks watching the more extreme stunts, loudest to clap when they go well.

💖 Kept bringing Maple to the shoots cause how could he even think about leaving her at home? She would occasionally break her leash and wander into a scene for head scratches and kisses. The film crew always booed when a PA came to take her off set.

Violet

💖 Completely terrible at caring for plants. Inspired by her role, she starts vlogging about her plant mom journey before shooting even begins. All her advice is completely wrong and terrible. Her personal assistant keeps her in the dark by tending to the plants themselves to fix her mistakes.

💖 Finds out she has a talent for flower arrangement, though. Does thank you vases for the cast and crew on all her future productions that last a lifetime because her PA made sure all the flowers were fake.

Exposition

(silly on set shenanigans)

🎬 Scenes get retaken quite a bit, since you’re still extremely new to it all. Most of the cast and crew expect anger out of [REDACTED] after the 4th call for a re-shoot on the first day’s library scene, but he’s surprisingly cracking jokes about his dye job and reassuring you that you’re doing great. The infamously ill-tempered actor is smiling somehow… even being patient? Not glaring down his co-star for minor slip ups? They cannot recognize this person.

🎬 Violet and [REDACTED] naturally butt heads on set. She respects their acting, not the actor. Zero hesitation to snap back if he’s getting snarky with a PA. You’re the one people have to beg to separate them, and you’re completely baffled that [REDACTED] doesn’t treat others as nicely as he treats you.

🎬 Even though Elanor is a nervous wreck about the first real thing to ultimately make or break her career, she’s scarily efficient on set—as long as no one distracts her. She does get sidetracked once in a while, only because she loves chatting and answering any questions the cast or crew might have. She even brings one of her own cats to set during a slower day to see if they can get along with Maple. Leaves Conan in charge when the horror scenes are being shot. They’re both put off by how vivid they feel, but Conan at least can grin and bear it. 

🎬 You and Leon manage to catch up on set while [REDACTED] is otherwise occupied shooting said horror scenes. You tease him about a few infomercials you saw when looking up his actor reel, and Leon teases you back about your unlucky streak of being a tree or a rock in every play the theater program put on when y’all were younger. Laughs even harder once he finds out your most prominent roles until then were “unnamed zombie #5 at the bottom of the pile” and “sleeping train passenger.”

🎬 Try as he might, [REDACTED] doesn’t convince Elanor to change up a few crucial parts of the script for his benefit. His offhand threats of leaving the production fall on deaf ears, as she is all too happy to do re-shoots to make Teo the lead. His innocent hints to you about the shoddy script fly over your head for some reason! You love how it's turning out, what does he mean?

🎬 Super shy Teo prefaces and warns his co-stars before acting in every scene of his character being excessively flirty. Most of the actors have worked with him at some point or another beforehand, so they let him go through his routine without issue. Some crew members love the whiplash of him switching between overly courteous and smarmy, others vastly prefer the flirty character and mourn the loss as production comes to a close.

The Build Up

📺 The higher ups pressure Violet to start a short-lived streaming career to boost interest, since she’s hopeless with plants. She amasses a cult following for her MMO reviews, blind raids on new patches, and her wild ride of a Minecraft playthrough. In the end she winds up preferring to play games off stream, but once in a blue moon she’ll do a first time raid stream so her more dedicated fans can join and watch her alliance get wiped. Creative trolling is highly encouraged.

📺 Teo, Jae, and Leon appear on a late night TV show for promotion. It was meant to be for Teo and [REDACTED] at first. (Where’s the leading lover? [REDACTED] refused all promo appearances or sit downs without you being involved in them.) The host plays a clip that Teo’s particularly embarrassed about, and he hides his face in shame when the crowd hoots and hollers praise about his portrayal.

📺 [REDACTED] comes across as doting and overprotective of you once you’re pushed into the spotlight of celebrity, and shows increasingly concerning behaviors as the premiere looms closer. Depending on your response, they’ll back off to a point or dial it up. Interviewers and consumers mistake it as the eccentric actor’s “method acting” so the red flags just slide right past.

📺 Elanor and Conan guest star in a podcast for off-the-cuff romance enthusiasts. Their strangely cagey and joking comments like “there were so many retakes we couldn’t keep track of what was meant to be the actors messing around or part of the final cuts,” and “we’ve actually sent all the reviewers 1 of 14 versions with completely different endings,” leave listeners all the more curious to see the film.

The Climax

🎉 Reception is huge, in good ways for most. The majority of the cast see a surge in popularity if they didn’t already from the hype. 

🎉 Teo bemoans his endless offerings for sarcastic pretty boy jobs, Leon makes enough to get picky about his roles (and pay Teo back), Jae somehow cons a studio into an action film starring Maple—and subsequently adopts every single one of her stunt doubles. 

🎉 Moth throws the agency away to start adapting anime and manga themselves. Elanor finally feels validated enough to bring one of her romantic screenplays to the big screen, starring her sister Kiara and a very enthusiastic Violet as the leading couple. 

🎉 Conan’s studio is overloaded with scripts, and Alice runs out of scented stickers that much quicker. They are severely backlogged send help.

🎉 One determined conspiracy theorist sets out to prove those missing 13 versions of the ending are real, based on minor cuts and inconsistencies purposefully left in the public release.

The End, Roll Credits

choose your own ending

Bad End 💔 - A Falling Star

💔 If you respond negatively to [REDACTED]’s demeanor during shoots and promo: he plays the waiting game, uses his connections and blackmail to make sure all your roles without his name attached don’t garner nearly as much attention as the ones where you’re co-stars.

💔 Your negotiating power quickly plummets as you fall out of demand and end up begging just for the non-speaking roles you once loathed.

💔 The careers of anyone you got close to on set fall apart much faster than yours, before they’re outright blacklisted in the industry.

💔 You begrudgingly call up your last option. He can’t do much for your friends, but their offer to help you make a comeback is always open.

Neutral End 💌 - Just One More Try

💌 If you respond indifferently to [REDACTED]’s demeanor: the drama leads to you getting more offers, though a handful are for playing opposite of [REDACTED], as the on-screen chemistry was too much for studios to ignore for cash grabs.

💌 Elanor has rid herself of the drama’s subsequent rights, despite positive reception, so a sequel sprouts up in the works at a different studio. One that doesn’t mind catering to the whims of their actors when it comes to script integrity.

💌 You arrive on the set to find that not just one, but all of your cast mates except for them were written to have much smaller parts in the sequel. In fact, you rarely find a scene in the revised script where [REDACTED] isn’t alongside you.

💌 Sadly the contract is air tight, just put up with it until it’s over… What’s this clause about further sequels?

Good End 💍 - Off Into the Sunset

💍 If you respond positively to [REDACTED]’s demeanor: you’ll sadly announce at the post premiere press conference that acting was a one-and-done adventure for you. Retired effective immediately, no farewell interviews.

💍 You’re spotted around town for a few weeks in a mask with a tall, darkly dressed companion at your side before you disappear from the public eye and Corland Bay all together.

💍 A few of your friends at least have an idea of where you are, and they meet up with you whenever you're in a nearby city. None of them can recognize the man glued to your side, though. Not that he'd say anything to clue them in.

💍 After months of near inactivity, [REDACTED] mysteriously deletes their socials without a word, sparking confusion and outrage among hardcore fans still desperately hoping for a sequel.

[paranoidginger]

Mann or Machine

A post-Spy's Disguise Engiespy angst fic (For real though, please go watch Spy's Disguise by Fortress Films on YouTube if you have not! This takes place after that short movie, and has references to Emesis Blue as well!)

Tw: Minor Gore, Violence, and Body Horror

At first, the change between human and machine was a blessing, a self-taught command that gave him the upper hand and made him feel nearly immortal. After the sawmill incident, all of that changed, however. The changes became unpredictable, uncontrollable... The intersecting of man and metal was never meant to be, it was an error in the program of a broken disguise kit. It had broken the moment it hit the first sentry, and the rest, as they say, is history.

At first, it had felt like a superpower, something to flaunt and embrace; Now, however, it felt more like a curse. After the nightmares, and seeing the video that doctor Fritz Ludwig had taken while in his care, it was clear that it was an ailment, as opposed to anything else... He and the engineer that kept him company had lost contact with the doctor not long after the incident, both dismissed from their faction of Builders League United and left to make themselves as normal lives as they could, without any aid from the company.

The pair had moved onto land that the Engineer already had in his possession, a small ranch, fairly isolated, but close enough to a nearby town to get regular groceries and whatever tinkering supplies the engineer could have possibly wanted. It was safe there... But all the same, Spy struggled with himself, unable to properly regulate and prevent the unwanted shifts between man and machine. PTSD... That's what Doctor Ludwig had called it... Post traumatic stress disorder... It wasn't surprising, after what he had gone through...

Spy sat quietly, his mind buzzing as he tried to read a book. He was on high alert, by himself in the little ranch house he shared with his dearest Engineer... They hadn't always gotten along, some days were better than others, but they had been able to bond as colleagues, then as comrades, and now... Perhaps they were more. He was all alone, poor Pierre DuPont, left to his own devices as he waited for Hal to return from the store.

He saw a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye as his arm raised, as if by reflex, rotating barrels taking over and spraying shots towards what the machine in the back of his mind deemed a potential intruder. He hadn't heard whenever the engineer had opened the door and came inside, bags of fresh groceries in hand as he made his way to the kitchen, interrupted by the sudden spray of bullets. The wall beside him was marred with bullet holes, all but one having missed their target.

"D'aw shit-" The man muttered quietly, hissing as he lightly touched the blossoming wound in his side. "T-that's my fault... I didn't mean to spook ya, darlin'..." He exhaled a shaky laugh, carefully setting the bags of groceries down beside him as he pressed his hand to the bloodied hole in his side.

The Spy scrambled to his feet, unable to force his arm back to normal as he dropped the book he had been holding, rushing to the other man as he wobbled slightly on his feet. This wasn't supposed to happen...

"No! Non, please... Mon dieu... I didn't mean to-"

"Shhh..." He cut the Spy off, not allowing another word from the taller man "It's okay, I've had worse. One bullet ain't gonna put me in the ground." He looked up at the spy, watching as the other man continued to panic. Gently, he patted the other man's cheek, grabbing his shoulder gently after a moment "Look at me, Pierre, I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna go get myself patched up, you take care of these here groceries, alright? I'll be ok, I promise." Hal gave a small smile, sighing gently as he made his way to the bathroom to patch himself up, making sure to be loud enough for the other man to be able to hear him as the Spy got to work, carefully putting away the groceries as he fought to push his guilt and worries down.

That night was quiet, Pierre having eventually corrected his arm once again with his Engineer's help. They sat on the couch together, Hal's arm wrapped gently around the other man's shoulders as they watched a movie together, the Spy eventually falling asleep at his side.

Pierre's sleep was plagued with nightmares, memories of Hal 'dying' playing back in his mind, followed by the fresh scene of him shot and bloodied by the Spy's own hands. He met the machine again... A twisted mirror version of himself, a robot with his face... It had been peaceful that first time, but now, it came at him, aiming for the jugular.

Hal was jostled awake by the seizing, jerky movements of his unconscious partner, bits of him swapping in and out of humanity, his head tipped back slightly as his mouth began to froth. Quickly, the engineer grabbed hold of Pierre, hugging him gently as he carefully moved him down onto the floor, pushing the coffee table out of the way as he fumbled to grab a small flashlight off of the wooden surface.

"Shit- shit, goddamn it-" He straddled the Spy as he continued to seize and twitch on the floor, gently opening one of the other man's eyes and shining the light into the dilated pupil, wincing slightly as it failed to react. Metallic barrels took over both forearms, rotating back and forth with jerky, clicking movement.

"Come on, damn it! Wake up!" The engineer grabbed the front of the other man's shirt, wincing at the pain in his side as he attempted to wake him up, shaking him slightly. "Come on!" He shouted through his teeth, his eyes beginning to water slightly as he knelt over Pierre's seizing body.

After a moment, his arms returned to normal, the seizure seeming to finally come to an end. Quietly, Hal watched, hesitating for a moment before gently cupping the side of the Spy's face, watching as his chest rose and fell with his breaths. Pierre shuddered slightly, his eyes opening just a bit before Hal was forced to yank his hand away, the familiar rocket barrels of a sentry closing around the man's head, the rise and fall of his chest becoming shallow and frantic as he awoke.

Pierre let out a muffled, mechanical scream, grabbing and clawing at what had once been his face. Quickly, the Engineer moved off of him, hissing slightly in pain as he hoisted the other man into a sitting position, grabbing one of his hands and hugging him gently as he traced his thumb over the other's palm.

"Breathe! I need ya to breathe for me!" Hal called gently, worry evident in his tone as he held the other man close, preventing him from scratching and clawing at the metal that now covered his face. It took some time, but eventually, the Spy's breathing returned mostly to normal.

The rocket launcher that had replaced his face lifted once again, pulling away from his head with the mechanical arm that had placed it there to begin with, tucking back down into the motor that had protruded from his back, which slowly retracted inside of him, leaving the surface of his back no different than any other man's...

"There you go... There you are, darlin'... I've got you..." The Engineer spoke softly gently cupping the other man's cheek for a moment before the spy slipped his hands beneath Hal's arms, pulling him closer and hiding his face in the crook of the smaller man's neck, shaking as small sobs wracked his thin frame. "It's gonna be alright, sunshine..." Hal's voice was soft and gentle as he held the other man close, beginning to rub his back slightly as he just sat there, doing his best to comfort Pierre.

The next incident was nearly a week after Pierre had shot Hal by accident. Another late night, another bad dream... He thought he would be fine... He had woken up, just like he had so many times before.

The Spy made his way to the bathroom, careful not to wake his sleeping partner, turning the water on and running his hands beneath it, splashing his face slightly before looking at himself in the mirror... His eyes were blue again... They weren't supposed to be blue... There was a metallic clink as his arm hit the edge of the sink, feeling too heavy to hold up as it shifted once again to the multi-barreled machine gun that he couldn't keep from happening, his other arm following suit. It hurt this time... Why was it hurting? It had never hurt before.

He took a couple of steps back, his breaths catching in his throat as he began to run, stumbling slightly as he made it to his room... Their room... After everything, he couldn't find it in him to sleep alone... He had shut the door.. He bumped it with his shoulder before ramming it harder, pain radiating through the contact points as began to shout.

"Wake up! Hal please-" His legs gave out beneath him, the motor on his back popping out once again, and that horrible metal arm forcing the launcher barrels back over his head, muffling his cries for help as the rest of his body folded in on itself, leaving a sentry once again in his place.

Congratulations, you made it to the end! I'm leaving it up to the readers to help me decide whether I want to leave it as a one shot, or if I should give this another chapter! Feel free to vote below!!

Part 2

[bunni-v1]

🍓Dropping the Beauty and the Beast Wrio idea I came up with to @the-original-skipps who I love so much for putting up with my Wrio bullshit. I figured I'd never actually write anything with this, so I'll just dump the idea verbatim what I told bestie. It's not really all that much like Beauty and the Beast, so... lol. If you wanna hear the other concepts I have for the AU I can share lol. Anyway I do have Phainon stuff coming soon (heh), so we’ll return to our regularly scheduled programming in the coming days.

Tw: Drug use; Prison; Really really really rough draft

Okay so there are a lot of ways I could go about doing this, I could go full AU mode and make it exactly like Beauty and the Beast but idk I wanna fuck around. I was thinking more like Reader is from a smaller, less advanced village near the outskirts of Fonataine — the people there are close-minded and judgmental, only caring about fashion and the like. Inventors are not received kindly, and unfortunately for the reader and her father, he is an inventor and the reader is a headstrong bookworm. Now the village people find her beautiful (obviously) and many of them shame her for not using her looks to her advantage and stuffing her nose in books and research all day. Her father has been working tirelessly on a new invention for long-distance communication (telephone lol), and he intends to bring it to the next inventor's showcase in the heart of Fontaine’s capital. He’s old and feeble, though, so Reader comes with him for support and bids the village goodbye with a smile hoping the city will be more kind to her father's genius.

It was, of course, and many people stopped by fascinated by his technology. Some stopped by to try their chance with his daughter, but she was used to the flirting so she always redirected back to her father with ease. Things go fantastically until somehow Gardes come around after a “tip” that the two of them were harboring illegal drugs. (Someone had apparently caught a glimpse of them in their bags). They search, and in her father's bag, they find an illegal substance that neither of them knew was there. To save her father, though, Reader readily claims that they were hers and she planted them in his bag for easier transportation (her bag was small, and the vials are made of glass, easily broken in regular luggage). She gets tried and sentenced rather quickly — an outsider selling drugs in the city is quite scandalous, no one can resist a good story like that. Plus with how pretty she is, everyone is shocked and surprised at why she would throw her life away. So she goes to the fortress and is prepared to serve her sentence, her father adamantly pleading her innocence above the surface, when Wriothesley calls her to his office. Why? Well, he read the case files and managed to get ahold of information on her and realized nothing added up.

She’s from a village in the middle of nowhere with no prior criminal history. She’d never even been to Fontaine City before the week prior, so he wants to know what’s up. Curiosity can plague even the duke. So she confesses that she had lied to keep her father safe, but she knew that the drugs were planted. She personally packed her father's bag and checked it throughout the trip, those vials weren’t there earlier in the day of the incident, the only question is why would someone do such a thing? Wrio agrees to help her clear her name if she helps him with some things concerning him within the fortress. This drug planted on her seems to have made its way inside his walls and has been causing behavioral issues for some of the inmates. He wants her to gather info about where it’s coming from so he can put an end to it, and in turn, he’ll urge some of his connections above the surface to dig just a little deeper into her case. It’s hard to refuse such a tantalizing offer, especially with the worry of her father on her mind, so she accepts and gets to work asap.

They fucking hate each other at first, they’re both way too headstrong to be working with each other. Reader is obviously on edge with everything and Wrio is incredibly calm and laid back all the time and it irritates her to no end. They only start bonding after one of the drugged-out “connections” Reader makes in the prison starts to get suspicious of her, attempting to attack her on her way out from the Duke's office one night. Wrio stops her from getting too hurt, but the man had intentions to kill her to keep her quiet, so he ends up with a new nasty scar that Reader insists on taking care of since he won’t see Sigewinne. There she shares that she’s been caring for her father since she was young, and injuries like this were common with his tinkering and toying around with machines. She thanks him and urges him not to be so reckless for a prisoner, no matter how valuable she might be to him in achieving his goals. She doesn’t want special treatment just because she’s helping him.

From then they’re more casual with each other, Wrio getting over his biases of her being a pretty face and empty-headed, and Reader seeing past his tough exterior to find quite a sweet man underneath. They continue the investigation and start spending a lot more time together in the privacy of his office, weekly meetings becoming nearly daily as they discuss things other than what reader was finding out over tea. It’s easy and natural to them, but the closer they get the harder it is for the reader to find things out. She does manage to find the rat smuggling the drugs in, though, a fatui member who had connections above giving him new supply monthly to sell. With that done Wrio completes his end of the bargain and submits evidence he had gathered proving the reader and her father was innocent, a retrial happening, and clearing the reader of all charges.

She’s… sad to leave. She’d come to enjoy Wrio and Sigewinne and the prisoners in the fortress, but she had to return home with her father at some point… didn’t she? So the two of them prepare to leave Fontaine City after a small celebration, but on their way out of the city, they are attacked by Fatui members. Reader’s father manages to save her life by shoving her off the aquabus so she can get back to Fontaine and get help. The first person she thinks to get to is Wriothesley, certainly not the smartest decision considering how long the trip to his office is, but she doesn’t want to bother the Iduex and she is terrified of Lady Clorainde. She’s a babbling mess as she tries to convince the receptionist to let her see him, so much so the poor girl calls for help and Wriothesley himself arrives to sort out the matter. (He’d expected some vile criminal causing problems, not the reader in tears on shaky legs). She clings to him desperately, begging him for help. She’s pretty incoherent so he dismisses the workers for now and tries to ease what she needs out of her so he can help. (He’s genuinely ready to kill for her he’s so down bad atp lol). When she can tell him he assures her that things will get solved, and again takes her up to the surface to give the report to the gardes. This time, though he stays with her above ground, leaving his duties to a trusted member of staff and doing paperwork and the like at the small desk in her hotel room. It’s rather sweet how much he cares for her lol

There’s clearly a target on her back now, and he doesn’t exactly trust most of the Gardes to properly keep her safe. Luckily, the fatui were sloppy this time and the investigation team can quickly find the trail leading to their wear house… which just so happened to be in Readers' small little village. It turns out her village worked as an underground drug ring for some rouge fatui members, and the planted vials were meant to be slipped into someone else’s bag but the dropper messed up and mistook the reader and her father for the seller and that’s how it all got messed up. Her father is fine, though more battered and bruised than she’d like, and all is well and solved! Well… except for the fact that leaving Wriothesley’s side feels like legitimate torture. And the fact she didn’t want to live in her village anymore after this situation, too unsafe. Luckily, Wrio feels the exact same way and offers to help her and her father get on their feet in Fontaine — mentioning his impressive invention and how it could make a lot of money if he allowed the duke to… ahem invest in it for faster communication with the over world.

Fast forward and her father’s invention sells like hotcakes, making them plenty of money to support themselves in the city. They have a cozy apartment together and well liked by most people in Fontaine, her father finally respected and her able to read as many books as she likes. She spends little time above the surface, though, usually found visiting the Duke in her spare time. Curled up on his office couch with a cup of tea and a book in hand.

[cosmogyros]

You know what really bums me out, though?

I complain in jest, and yes it's true that I find the process of recording annoying, because making music isn't so fun as a solo artist when you were born to be in a band. But still, today felt so deeply, truly fulfilling to me, in a way that no work day ever has.

I woke up, ate breakfast, read a book for a little while, and then spent the entire rest of the day, until about 7 pm, just writing and recording one song. I had a headache and neck-ache and felt mildly sick the whole time, but I made myself do it. I was driven to do it.

And I felt SO GOOD when I was done. Like, a really healthy, happy high. An endorphin rush, an overwhelming sense of satisfaction that I don't get from anything else. I felt this deep, calm conviction that I'd spent this day in a worthy way, doing what I'm meant to do.

But... it took all day. All Damn Day. And sure, today is Saturday, so I would probably have had this day free anyway. But I remember what life was like when I was working full-time: I did NOT have the energy to work five full days and then get up on Saturday and spend another whole day working on my passion project.

I know I'll have to go back to work eventually. I can survive on unemployment benefits for a while longer, but I may have to start a full-time job-training program soon, and that will mean over three months of eight-hour days, five days a week. And after that, at some point I'll have to return to the full-time working world.

And then I will have so little time and energy for music. The one thing that means everything to me. I've had less than six months of "freedom" and I've already made leaps and bounds in my music that go so far beyond anything I was ever able to achieve while working full-time. A taste of happiness, of fulfillment, of living the life I was meant to live... knowing I'll have to give it all up again soon.

Because let's be honest, you can't make a living as a musician these days. Even if I keep improving my skills, even if I find people to form a band with, even if we gig out regularly. One of my musical heroes, Garth Hudson – the last surviving member of an incredibly influential band, The Band, who loom large in rock history – ended his life still barely able to make ends meet. He had to declare bankruptcy three times, and lost his home to foreclosure. If someone as legendary as Garth couldn't achieve financial security after decades of fame and success, it sure doesn't look good for average folks like me.

So... what? I have to give up my dreams? I have to sit here in my one and only life, looking at the way the world is, and say, "Oh well, guess I can't follow my passion and I'll have to keep working a soul-destroying desk job and making money instead"?

It feels so wrong. I live so humbly. I don't want fancy expensive stuff, I don't need to to travel the world – I just want to make music. And hopefully make other people happy with it. But I can't even have that?

I keep thinking, like a chump, "There's got to be some way to get a small amount of money on a regular basis – just enough to live on – without having to work for it. Hasn't there?" Then I catch myself thinking that and I have to laugh. Yeah, buddy, we'd all like that.

I don't know. I don't have a conclusion to this post. I was so happy today, because I was making music. And now I'm sad, because I can't make music forever. Because it doesn't earn me money.

I don't even WANT to charge money for my music! I want to have a band and play concerts for free, and I want to make recordings and put them all online as free downloads. Because I want my music to reach the people who will like it, regardless of whether they can afford to pay or not. I need to pay my living expenses, but not if it means sharing my music only with people who have money to burn and gatekeeping it from the rest – from the other poor folks like me.

You know what? I guess I do have a conclusion to this post after all:

FUCK CAPITALISM. Introduce UBI now!

[tea-stained-notes]

Steve Rogers x OFC - Waiting On a Miracle, Chapter 10

After catching an infamous serial killer in the act, Julie Castillo is in line for the witness protection program. She is sent to a temporary safe house with U.S. Marshal Steve Rogers to protect her. Both of them scarred by trauma and tragedy, they find solace in each other. But how far will they dare to go?

We have made it to the end! This chapter has been pretty much locked and loaded for years, it's just taken me aaaages to get to this point. Genuinely super proud of myself for finishing this despite not many people reading it - but this has been a very self-indulgent project from the start, yet giving me heaps of anxiety lol I doubt I'll ever write another chapter fic. From here on it's one-shots only, friends 😅 Thanks to anyone who's been along for the ride, I hope some of you enjoyed this weird Captain America-Witness Protection AU-Broadway crossover xx

CHAPTER 1 | CHAPTER 2 | CHAPTER 3 | CHAPTER 4 | CHAPTER 5 | CHAPTER 6 | CHAPTER 7 | CHAPTER 8 | CHAPTER 9

Series warnings: violence, death, angst, trauma, smut

Chapter warnings: anxiety, trauma

Chapter word count: ~1700

Song(s) referenced: The Point of No Return (The Phantom of the Opera)

It felt like a minute passed before I found my voice. “How did you get up here?” “One of your neighbors was on his way in.” “You need to leave.” “Julie, please—“ “Do you have any fucking idea how much you hurt me?” I spat. “I was willing to give you everything and you threw me away. Like I was just a meaningless fling, like my feelings were nothing but some strange product of trauma and cabin fever.” Steve grew paler and paler with each word. “I'm so sorry, that's not—“ “I don't care anymore. I'm never letting you tear me apart like that again. Just go.” I slammed the door in his face. Shaking, I leaned against it, tears burning in my eyes. I tried to swallow them as I frantically clutched at my stomach. This gaping wound had just begun to heal at the edges and now it was ripped open wider than ever. And then I heard it. “Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime. Lead me, save me from my solitude…” Steve's soft voice traveled through the wooden barrier between us, making my heart clench painfully. This wasn't happening. “Say you want me with you here beside you. Anywhere you go, let me go too. Love me, that's all I ask of you.” I held my breath as silence once more filled the space around me. My chest was aching with pain and longing. I wanted him still. Despite everything. And especially after this. He had remembered.

I pushed myself upright and slowly opened the door. Steve's eyes were glossy but his face lit up with hesitant hope, making my pulse flutter. “I work in musical theater but that was the cheesiest thing I've ever seen anyone do.” Tiny smiles tugged at both of our lips. “Well, you didn't actually see me, so it doesn't count. Your neighbor did though.” “The old hag with the fancy scarves?” “That’s the one.” “Fuck her, I don't care what she thinks.” “Me neither.” The hint of light faded from his features. “But I care about you. And I will sing another hundred cheesy songs or never sing a single note ever again — whatever it takes for you to talk to me.” I buried my teeth in my bottom lip and stared at him for a long moment. Only now did I notice how exhausted he looked. Pallid skin, slumped shoulders, dark circles under red-rimmed eyes. Sorrow stirred inside me. He had grown out his beard and for a brief moment I wondered what it would feel like underneath my fingertips. “How long are you staying in the city?” “Indefinitely. I'm gonna be a regular detective.” My jaw dropped. “You were right. I can't keep living like this. Never getting attached to anything, anyone… That's not the life they would have wanted for me.” “That's… that's good. I'm happy for you.” Both of us held our breath, awkward tension spreading between us. “I meant it, Julie.” “What?” “Every word of that song. I'm so sorry that I pushed you away, it's just what I do, what I’ve done for years. But I don't want to anymore. I…” He took a deep breath. “I love you. I'm completely in love with you. And I want nothing more than to give this a try.” My whole body was covered in goosebumps as my eyes flickered between his, filled to the brim with affection and sincerity. Another miracle. But the icy shards in my heart pricked painfully. “I don't know if I can,” I heard myself whisper and Steve's features slipped as his tears finally spilled down his cheeks. He made no move to wipe them away. He just stood there, crying and slowly nodding his head. “Okay.” His voice cracked. "Yeah, I understand. I fucked up.” I flinched at the curse. It was strange to hear from his lips. “You did. But… I still want you. I just don't know how I'm ever gonna get over you if you leave again.” The words came out raspy through the lump in my throat. He carefully raised his hands and cradled my cheeks with a tenderness that almost broke me. “I can't promise that I won't. But I can't imagine running anymore. Not from you, Julie Castillo. Never from you.” Now I was crying, too, reaching for his face to wipe away the tears and all this stupid agony we had created. And then my lips found his and I felt the ice melt within me as he pulled me closer with the sweetest noise of surprise and happiness. He kissed me senseless while slowly walking me backwards into the apartment. I twirled us around and kicked the door shut before pushing him against the wall. “Your roommate’s not here, right?” he asked breathlessly between kisses. “Gone for the weekend.” “Thank god.” He pulled away. “Not that I don't want to meet her, I want to meet everyone who's important to you, just not tod—“ I cut him off with another kiss, grinning against his lips. “Fucking dork.” “I'm not!” “You are. But you're my dork.” He held my face between his palms and looked at me in wonder. Then a frown crept onto his forehead. “Are we okay? Can we make this work?” “We still have a lot to figure out. But yeah. I think we can.” I kissed him gently. “Let's make some dinner.” Steve looked taken aback. “Oh. Okay.” I gave him a soft smile. “As much as I want you right now, you can barely stand, Rogers. You look like you haven't eaten or slept since I last saw you.” He let out a sigh. “Not really at the top of your agenda when you're questioning your entire life and have just lost the woman of your dreams.” “Well, it shows. So we're gonna have some pasta and then go to bed. To sleep." He grinned. “That actually sounds like heaven.”

It felt strange and yet so right to potter around the kitchen with Steve stealing kisses, sliding his arms around my waist and nuzzling into my neck as I stirred the sauce. “This kinda feels like being at the cabin,” I murmured, leaning back into his warm chest. “I think it feels a lot better actually.” He pressed his lips to my collarbone. “Now that I don't have to hold back anymore.” “You never had to.” “Tell that to old Steve.” “I liked old Steve. And I liked the cabin.” I turned around in his embrace and looped my arms around his neck. “I'm sure we can find a similar one for a holiday. But with the new detective job I won't be able to take a week off anytime soon.” “Same here.” “What do you mean?” I beamed up at him. “Let's plate this and sit down. I've got news.”

Steve's eyes were growing larger with every sentence of my story. By the end his huge smile was matching mine, his entire face glowing with excitement. “That is incredible. I'm so proud of you, sweetheart. Come here.” He reached out his hands and I jumped up to round the table and glide into his lap. He kissed me deeply, then enveloped me in a tight hug. “Honestly, you have no idea how happy I am that your dream is finally coming true. You deserve it. And your mom would be so unbelievably proud.” “I hope so,” I whispered into his neck. “I really do.” I drew back with a grin. “You should have heard my dad. He nearly jumped through the phone when I told him.” “Of course he did,” Steve chuckled. “He showed me all your trophies and everything.” “He did? God, I’m so sorry.” “It was sweet.” “Well, he liked you.” “Really?” He stared at me in genuine surprise. “I was the worst that day.” I ran a finger up his cheek, my eyes following until they settled on his. “He still saw that you cared about me.” “I did,” he said softly. “And I do. More than ever.” “He’s actually coming to visit this weekend. I’d love for you to meet him. Properly this time.” “Sounds perfect.” Suddenly a deep growl came from Steve's stomach and I snickered. “We should get to that pasta.” “We should,” he said, pulling me in for another kiss.

I stopped in the doorway at the sight of Steve in my bed. He had washed up and stripped down to his t-shirt and boxers. I had ceremoniously given him a toothbrush that rested next to mine in the bathroom. And now he was tucked under the blanket, one arm behind his head, the other outstretched towards me. His hair fell across his forehead in soft strands, his smile sweet and sleepy. It should have been unfamiliar, yet it felt perfect. Like this was exactly where he belonged. “I'm so happy you're here.” I switched off the light and slid under the covers beside him, welcoming the comfortable heat. He studied me for a moment as he ran gentle fingers along my jawline. “I wished for this every night at that cabin and every night since. To fall asleep holding you.” Smiling blissfully, I snuggled into his side and he pulled me close. I breathed him in, melting into his warmth. “Me too,” I said quietly. “And… maybe some other stuff as well.” “Pray tell.” We both giggled as I playfully slapped his chest. “Nope, not tonight. We agreed. Go to sleep.” He pressed his lips into my hair. “Only if you tell me again.” “Tell you what?” “I think you know.” I drew back a little to look at him. The city lights dipped his features in shades of blue, matching his earnest eyes. To think that these three words had been the reason he had walked away from me just a few weeks ago, taking all hope and a chance at a future with him. And now they were the words he longed to hear. My palm found his cheek as our gazes tangled. Pleasant shivers were running across my skin. “I love you, Steven Rogers.” His eyes shimmered as he stole a kiss, then whispered a soft “Thank you” against my lips.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

MASTERLIST

Tag List: @multifanworld  @peguem-o-pombo-agora  @cvanstagram @yslvtre  @wandasrogers @littleredone88 @before-we-get-started @sophham @missaprilt23 @chrissusmissus @dvmb-whxre @daddydraco0 @quicksilversthings @thechoosenonecreator @rosellia-hudsons @lokirogersgirl @nekoannie-chan @readawaythereality2 @yal1d @hyperfixationhovel

[monsieuroverlord]

Super Exciting and Stressful personal news! (Bit of rant below)

I'm leaving for a work conference in Seattle this weekend!

Which I'm super pumped for, because I've never gone on a work-related conference before and its all expenses paid plus a hefty overtime bonus.

Downside: I haven't even left yet and its already a clusterfuck. Over 300 badges to make (one of my designated tasks), over 400 programs to print (another me-task), and this doesn't even cover actually preparing the "Conference Packets" (luckily, I'll have 8 volunteers for this when we actually get there)

On top of all that, the group I'm assisting keeps making last minute changes/suggestions but then ends up agreeing with my initial plan/ liking the edits I make because I've already thought of the potential hang-ups and properly formatted everything.

This has been going on for several weeks. Nothing is printed because no one will agree.

I just -- the group I'm assisting (mix of staff from my department plus other universities) keeps debating about the program packet. One person keeps getting defensive about the changes, but the documents she provided are horribly unformatted and full of grammatical errors. I understand she gathered a lot of information and put it all in one place, and we're all appreciative, but we still have to capitalize people's names and certain titles, you know? I know firsthand I can get a bit lazy myself, but this is supposed to be a physical document people paid for as attendees. We should've had this sorted at least two weeks ago, is all I'm saying.

I've been stuck in 2 1/2 hour meetings each day this week so far, and its real likely there'll be more every day leading up to actually going to Seattle.

This is already my regular work, during an insane time, since the college semester started and I'm the person that sets up graduate jobs.

I have less than 48 hours to arrange every last minute thing, somehow secure two working laptops, print 300 or so badges (and prepare them in nice little laminated holders!), print programs, test several printers, and somehow make sure the faculty member responsible for transporting everything doesn't forget anything. Then actually take the plane to Seattle to do conference stuff.

I'm torn wildly between "kill me now" and "sweet, free food, trip to one of my favorite cities, and bonus money"

I leave Friday. If I don't return, make fanarts/fics of Akihiro in my honor.

[captainsophiestark]

Consequences Be Damned

Angie Martinelli x Reader

Masterlist - Join My Taglist!

Written for Fictober 2023!

Fandom: Marvel

Day 15 Prompt: "Fine, explain it to me."

Summary: Angie doesn't know about her girlfriend's job with the SSR, but she's about to find out.

Word Count: 1,763

Category: Angst, Fluff

A/N: In my happy world of fic, homophobia doesn't exist and isn't a factor in the 1940s.

Putting work into an AI program without permission is illegal. You do not have my permission. Do not do it.

"Jack, this might have been the best idea you've ever had."

Jack Thompson, the Chief of the SSR and one of my best friends, scoffed as we pushed through the doors of the Automat and headed for a table. I gave him a shit-eating grin as we took seats at our usual booth.

For the past two weeks, we'd been taking multi-hour trips to the Automat from the office, both for food and a change of scenery to do a bunch of work that needed to get done for the SSR. Jack had first suggested it when we'd both been going crazy working hours and hours on end at the office, with some of my least favorite coworkers no less, and we'd quickly made it a regular habit.

Once we'd set up at our table, I glanced towards the counter. To my delight, I saw my girlfriend, Angie Martinelli, on shift.

When Jack had first suggested this place, I'd been excited about seeing my girlfriend while I was at work, even though she couldn't know the details of my job. I'd been unlucky every day so far in missing her, but today the bad luck streak had finally run out.

"I'll be right back," I said to Jack, scooting down the booth to stand. He raised an eyebrow at me, so I explained. "I'm going to go put in our order."

Jack glanced towards the counter and grinned as soon as he saw Angie.

"You mean you're gonna go say hi to your girlfriend?"

"Oh absolutely."

"You know, we're supposed to be at work right now, Y/L/N," he called after me, a teasing smile on his face. I just waved him off.

When I'd started at the SSR, Jack and I had been anything but friends. But then Peggy and Daniel had spent all day every day pining after each other, and Jack and I had called a temporary truce to set them up. In the process, we'd actually become really good friends, and had stayed that way after successfully setting up Peggy and Daniel. We still gave each other shit all the time, but now it was in a friendly way.

I beamed as I walked up to the counter, leaning against it and waiting for Angie to turn around and notice me. A moment later, she did, but she didn't smile like I'd been expecting her to.

"You trying to put in an order?" There was no warmth in her voice.

"Uh... I guess, but I actually came over here to say hi to you!"

"Hi. Now what'll it be?"

I frowned, waiting for Angie to tell me she was messing with me or explain that a customer had really pissed her off or something. It never came.

"Angie, what's wrong?" I asked, leaning forward across the counter and lowering my voice a bit. "Did something happen?"

"It's nothing, alright? Forget it."

With that, she turned and headed into the kitchen, out of reach of any customers. At least, out of reach for any customers who had any regard for the rules.

I walked right around the counter and followed Angie into the kitchen. I glanced over my shoulder exactly once to see Jack staring at me with a look that clearly said, What the hell? I just waved him off, my undivided attention returning to my girlfriend who stood on the other side of the room.

I crossed the room quickly, reaching out a hand to gently rest on Angie's shoulder once I reached her. She whipped around, shaking off my hand and glaring.

"Angie, please talk to me," I said, keeping my voice low enough that hopefully no one else in the kitchen could hear us. "Why are you so upset?"

"Why? Gee, I guess I should be sorry for being so upset that you walked in here with your boyfriend."

My whole brain stalled for what felt like a full minute. Angie had already started moving away from me again, and I called after her.

"My what?"

"You know, that blond handsome guy you've been coming here on lunch dates with for the past two weeks?" She turned back to me, on a roll now that I couldn't have interrupted even if my brain had been functioning. "Just because I haven't been here to see it doesn't mean I'm completely stupid. My coworkers talk, you know. And now you come in here with him while I'm supposed to wait on you?"

"Angie, no!" I finally managed, my brain restarting at last. "It's not like that at all!"

"Oh really?"

"Really. Angie, really, seriously, you don't get it at all. It's nothing like what you think."

"Fine, explain it to me. If it's not what I think, then explain to me what it really is."

She crossed her arms and stared me down, waiting for my explanation. I could tell her Jack was my boss, or even just my coworker, but that probably wouldn't get me off the hook. It wasn't normal for male and female coworkers to take long lunch breaks together, and outside of our jobs in the SSR, almost no male and female coworkers would be working shoulder to shoulder on the same kind of content Jack and I were.

I needed to tell her the truth. More importantly, I wanted to tell her the truth. I loved Angie, and even though it would be a long time before we talked about marriage or anything like that, I already knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She should know what I do, SSR protocol be damned.

Without giving myself time to second-guess, I grabbed Angie's arm and dragged her towards the door in the back of the kitchen.

"Hey! What the hell are you doing?"

I didn't respond, and Angie at least trusted me enough that she didn't put up any more of a fight. Once we made it outside, I glanced up and down the alley, making sure no one else was out here to overhear us. Lucky for me, there wasn't.

I turned back to Angie, who watched me with her arms crossed and an eyebrow raised. I sighed.

Being an SSR agent was a top secret job, one we weren't supposed to share with anyone. But I'd made up my mind anyway. Besides, this problem had come about because of Jack, so he'd just have to deal with the consequences of my girlfriend knowing.

"Okay, this is going to sound insane, but I need you to hear me out." Angie just waited as I took a deep breath, then began. "I don't really work at the phone company. I work for the Strategic Scientific Reserve. I'm an agent, and the man who I've been here with is the Chief. He's my friend, and nothing more, and we've been coming here to escape some of the idiots in our office while we work on a case that's been top priority for the past few weeks."

I could see Angie's thoughts written clearly on her face as she struggled to square the fact that she loved me and generally trusted me with the fact that what I was saying was basically unbelievable.

"Y/N..."

"Look." I pulled out my badge and presented it to her proudly, and her face went from deep thought to pleased shock.

"That's... incredible!"

She looked up at me with bright, shining eyes, her mouth open slightly in shock but also tilted in a small smile. I beamed back at her.

"I'm glad you think so. And Angie, just so it's perfectly clear and on the record... I love you. I would never ever go behind your back like that, and I have absolutely no interest in anybody that's not you."

Angie smiled. "I know that. I'm sorry, I just... you've been working so hard, we haven't seen each other much, and I let my coworkers get to me. I love you, and I trust you."

I smiled, then leaned forward to give Angie a soft kiss. We broke apart after a second, both glowing with happiness even in this grimy restaurant alley. Three guesses who busted in to ruin the moment.

"Y/L/N, what the hell are you doing?"

I looked over Angie's shoulder to find Jack standing just outside the door, arms spread wide and an incredulous look on his face. She turned to look at him too, and his gaze drifted to her before coming back to me.

"My girlfriend thought we were dating. I told her we weren't."

"...And you had to rush out into a back alley to say that?"

"Well, I might've also told her I work for the SSR."

Jack stared at me, his eyes widening and his nostrils flaring as he took a long, deep breath. When he let it out, his shoulders slumped, and he just closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Of course you did." He turned to Angie, his gaze hard. "Don't tell anyone, or you'll both be in some very deep shit."

Angie nodded once, and I knew I could trust her. Jack turned back to me.

"Alright, now that you've broken one of the SSR's most important rules, do me a favor and get your ass back inside. Our order'll be at the table any minute, and we have actual problems to solve for the agency instead of cause."

He didn't wait for my response as he turned on his heel and headed back inside. He hesitated just before the door shut behind him, stopping it and poking his head back through to look at my girlfriend.

"Nice to meet you, Angie."

Then, he ducked back inside, clearly expecting me to follow shortly. I just smiled and shook my head. Angie turned back to me, her eyes narrowed and a decidedly less fond smile on her face.

"You know, I don't think I like him."

"Eh, he grows on you. Although, he is basically the number one person Peggy's referencing when she talks about her fathead male coworkers."

"Hold on. Peggy's a part of this too? That makes so much sense!"

"Shit. Forget I told you that."

Angie just cackled in glee as I slung an arm across her shoulders and we started back inside. I'd have to remember to tell Peggy that Angie was officially in the loop, although Ange probably would've put the pieces together in a matter of minutes after something she and Peggy had gone through together before I got to the SSR.

Now, at least, all of my favorite people were in the loop on all the important things in my life. I certainly couldn't be happier.

****************

Everything Taglist: @rosecentury

Marvel Taglist: @valkyriepirate @luv-ghostie @songbirdcannabe

[turtle-to-dragon]

a return to goal-setting and logging and blogging

I figured it's time to start using this space more like I did before. A lot has happened in my life since I last posted personal stuff; I've changed my profession, moved back to my hometown, returned to my first and most beloved martial arts school, started Chinese sword training, had a few pleasant encounters with HEMA practicioners, started teaching kung fu again...

I haven't trained as consistently as I'd have liked, and I had some months where I didn't exercise or move or do much of anything, at all. Fortunately, that's behind me now, and I'm back at a state of mind where I feel comfortable setting martial arts related goals again.

Now I know it's important to keep it as specific and measurable and actionable as possible, and I *also* know that it's probably important to not plan too much at once... but ehhhh. I'll just try to be kind to myself and keep the daily actions small and short enough to not overwhelm myself. At the same time I know I need consistency and a plan to achieve those things.

My goals;

(re)learn the Sword Hand Form, so I can perform it fluidly, with intent, in a way that I would be able to teach it to others, by September.

optimize the Leopard Form, so that I can perform it fluidly, with intent and appropriate depth and the character of the animal, by mid August.

get good at deep stances so I can maintain them comfortably for a minute (horse stance, reversed bow stance, empty stance) on each side.

get better with the leopard kick (which is a sneaky one, pretending to go all straight and then at the very last moment turning inward or outward)

get better with the leopard strikes (the circular in the straight, the straight in the circular, as my teacher said)

learn the 3 Principles Sword Form (san cai jian) so that I can perform it correctly, with intent, with body-sword-movement, with a partner, by December.

establish a sword training routine so that it becomes part of my daily life. start with maybe ten minutes a day, keep a checklist with drills to practice nearby, and re-evaluate after two weeks if this actually helps with anything.

pain-free, strong right shoulder, so I can go through 2 x 1.5 hours of sword training or regular kung fu training per week, or so I can get into push-up position, or hold a focus mitt against serious punches and kicks without pain... By stability and mobility exercises on every second day (alternating with leg work)

pain-free, stable left ankle, so I can go through 2 x 1.5 hours of kung fu training on mats per week, including jumping and standing on one leg without falling over or being in pain for days... by stability and mobility exercises on every second day (alternating with shoulder stuff)

improve endurance so I can sprint up one or two flights of stairs without feeling like I might die. I'll probably start with a C25K training program again, and training with stairs would probably help as well. What doesn't help is that I abhor starting this kind of training because it feels so miserable. (That's probably me wanting too much, too soon...)

Yeah. Like I said.. maybe a bit much, but I'll try and figure it out.

.oO(goals for July and beyond...)

Other things, apart from the goals:

On Friday my new sword will be delivered, yay! Getting the shipping notification today made my Monday significantly better. More swords for everyone!

Looking forward to a HEMA introductory workshop on longsword in less than three weeks, with a kung fu sister and two other good friends <3

very much enjoying having a very motivated kung fu sister that matches me in thirst for knowledge and enthusiasm for this art.

My first kung fu teacher and my mom both said that they would like to be present during my next kung fu exam. I don't know yet when that will be, but I feel honored that they want to be there. And it feels kinda fitting, since they were both present at my very first training at this school, 22 years ago. ^_^

After tidying up my room, I now have (hopefully) enough space in my bedroom/living room to practice sword techniques. (Looking at you, ceiling lamp... Stay where you are!)

Okay, that's it for now. Off to actually train now :D

[ecle-c-tic]

hellooooo i'm feeling particularly inspired so I thought I'd do a lil event! I'm back to school now so this event will be spread out until after Thanksgiving! (like maybe until the 23 october?)

as many of you know i'm a big reader, so i thought it might be fun if we had a tiny little event about books! (we will return to the regular programing of movies and music very soon!)

I'm on the homestretch of my reading challenge (96/125!) and to keep myself motivated alongside my school work I thought I might get some final recommendations from you all. so, without further ado:

📚📖📚📖📚📖📚📖📚📖📚📖📚📖📚📖📚📖📚📖📚📖📚

--

first! here are some important rules:

no limit to the number of requests or asks! no anons but everyone is welcome to participate!

**I am allowed to refuse certain authors or books if i'm not vaguely familiar with them or if they make me uncomfortable (coho, jkr, etc.)

I will be slow on these due to how time consuming my uni courses are/have been but my goal is to get everything done and finished before Halloween!

--

bookish celebration;

📚 ~ blog header based on your favourite book quote (if the context or theme isn't obvious please include it)

📙 ~ moodboard based on book/character/universe etc. (please include a short description just in case i'm not aware)

🔖~ tell me about one of your favourite books

☕ ~ send me this emoji and i'll assign your vibes to an author or book that I feel match you (mutuals only <3)

📖 ~ give me a few details (or an oddly specific prompt) and I'll recommend a book to you

🍂 ~ give me a number between 1 and 96 and I'll give you a short review of the corresponding book from my book challenge this year!

✒ ~ and a number between 1 and 96 for my favourite quote from the corresponding book!

💌~ Send me a trope or genre and I'll rate it! (fic tropes are fine too!!

--

request your books here!

--

hehe you're being tagged bc of this post:

@lady-ofmischief @whatmarisays @thislookinyoureyes @killerqueen-ofwillowgreen @trinikins

[savage-rhi]

Hi hun, I haven't seen you around much and I know things have been super rough lately but I hope you're doing ok ✨

@vodkafolie Hey, hon 💙 Lot's been happening over here in my neck of the woods (literally, lmao). I'm gonna info dump.

I've been doing odd jobs to keep me afloat.

I got selected for another mental health program. The person running it is a well-known psychologist. I applied for this back in late December. Didn't think I'd get in since there were 1800+ candidates going for it, and I'm 1 out of 32 that made the cut. If the sample group of clients I get for the next 8 weeks goes smooth, I'll have a full-time remote job by Summer. I'm not putting my eggs all in one basket, though. I'm still looking for regular work.

The business proposal with the mental health app picked back up. We are supposed to meet sometime next week to discuss further if we're gonna move forward and what the partnership might look like.

I'm speed running through one of my graduate classes and going at a snails pace in the other. The technical jargon is burning me out, but my grades are good.

My college advisor and profs want me to attend summer term for the program, but alas *opens wallet and watches moth fly out* I've been going back and forth with them on how unless they're gonna cover for me, I can't do it until I have stable employment.

I'm meeting a long covid specialist. My secondary PCP discovered I may have undiagnosed POTS, and this fungal blood infection I had in my body last Summer (late August, early September) might be making a comeback. Some symptoms have returned. I'm not surprised. That's how I got it in the first place last year cause of immunity issues post-covid. I had to go on a strict diet for almost 3 months, take some nasty as shit medication, and I lost over 50 pounds. Hindsight, the weight loss was good for me, but if I have to do that again I'm gonna be bones by the end of it this time around.

With all the parasites, fungus's and other nasty shit I've caught and lived through, I'm either gonna be super human immune to everything and my blood will be the universal cure for all horrible shit, or one day I'm gonna be patient zero for something god awful. I've made peace with either option 😂

I got a vendor spot at a convention that's happening in less than a week. I've been prepping for that and hoping I make some money.

I'm taking a break on some of my long fics and writing requests, bbbuuuuttttttt...I also had a batshit crazy idea for a Luis Serra fic, and I'm balls deep invested. It's the only thing keeping me from a full writers block right now.

It's been...a lot, but oddly enough I'm happier than I was. I'm worn out, tired, and still stressed about money, but I'm not depressed like I was. Things are getting better in some ways. I'm trying to self-care the best I can, and reign in the ambition so my body has a chance to recoup.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk 💙🫂😂 I hope you've been doing well hon! I've been re-reading some of your work as of late too. It's been fun for me!

[magicalgirlagency]

Since you dislike Hazbin Hotel, does that mean that WIF and WBMR requests are now open...?

Absolutely not, I ain't touchin' that shit. If I say anything else more about that show, I'll be put under a Witness Protection Program.

But to compensate, I can recommend you three other series that are much, much more entertaining than HazHotel in my humble opinion:

What in "Hell" is Bad? - Gacha Game by Prettybusy. Angels are bloodthirsty assassins who murder Demons in Hell on the regular, as well as humans who are related to King Solomon, though the MC/player, who is the ellusive descendant of Solomon, has miraculously survived and has been sent to Hell after striking a deal with Satan to save their dying friend. Has plenty of sexy times with the Demons, too; described in graphic detail, from what I've heard!

Obey Me! One Master to Rule Them All! - Gacha Game by Solmare, Inc. Prince Diavolo, who's actually respected and feared by his followers, spirits a random mortal away to the Devildom, so they can participate in an exchange student project to promote peace between the Angels, Demons and Mortals in the long run. Much tamer in comparison to the first rec, but still enjoyable, nonetheless. There's a sequel/spinoff/prequel/whatever called Obey Me! Nightbringer.

Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt - Magical Girl Anime of the 2010's by Gainax/Trigger. Two Angel sisters are kicked out of Heaven for constant misbehavior, and now must earn Heaven Coins to return... thing is that they aren't really concerned about redeeming themselves, as Panty wants to fuck as many mortal men as possible and Stocking wants to stuff her face with sweets. Pretty enjoyable with superb animation and an amazing soundtrack to boot, though it can be rather problematic outside the realm of parody. There are rumors of a second season coming.

[hi-sierra]

Hi Monterey Bay Aquarium social media team, I know you won't see this among the wave of attention this is going to get. But I hope someone at least reads it, and I hope it's not too sappy.

Rosa was an incredible otter, and incredible animal, and very near and dear to my heart. I'm born and raised in Northern California, and frequently visited the aquarium growing up. I continue to do so regularly.

I'm also a kayaker, freediver, SCUBA diver, and lover of wildlife. I was SCUBA certified down the street from the Aquarium. I've been spotting and enjoying marine mammals for my entire life. Over my lifetime, the sea otter population in the Monterey Bay has noticably, dramatically increased. I remember when it was rare, special, and fleeting to see them. Now they're a regular sighting. In some areas, the kelp mats have gotten thicker as the otters return, and fish flourish with them.

Rosa did that. Not singlehandedly, but the direct impact she had on raising otters, the amazing developments she helped create for the surrogate otter program, and the symbol of ocean conservation she became to get the public to protect marine mammals more... That was her.

More personally, Rosa and the aquarium touched my life in a lot of ways. Currently, I'm in a PhD program for molecular biology. Maybe it's not as direct an inspiration as ecology or marine biology, but my passion for biology started from ecology, and from the ocean. The unique ways that the aquarium detailed the little quirks that every organism evolved to survive goaded that curiosity onwards, forcing me to look deeper and deeper. According to my parents, the first coherent word I ever said was "ish", gesturing vaguely at the marine life behind the glass at the aquarium. I hadn't quite gotten the hang of the "f" sound.

The love of nature, animals, and biology that this stoked is part of the foundation of my passion for biology.

And Rosa was always there. I'm 26 years old. I technically went to the aquarium before Rosa was there, but I don't remember it. Rosa is so intimately tied to the aquarium in my mind. I loved going in through the old members entrance, and immediately running up the stairs to the otters- Rosa was the first otter I could pick out from the crowd consistently.

It'll feel emptier without her.

All I can hope is that Rosa, in some otter way, knew how incredible she was. I know she's "just" an otter, but she was such a symbol of conservation and the California coast, that this does hurt.

I'll make sure to say hi to all the otters soon <3

Remembering Rosa the sea otter

Hello Aquarium family. It’s with great sadness that we share that our beloved sea otter Rosa passed away today. At 24 years old, Rosa was the oldest resident otter at the Aquarium and one of our most experienced surrogate moms, having raised 15 stranded sea otter pups in her time with us. 

While Rosa spent the last few months behind the scenes getting extra special care from our staff, she was the matriarch of the Sea Otters exhibit. Beloved and cherished by millions of visitors and fans of the live Sea Otter Cam, she was instantly recognizable thanks to her blonde head (eclipsed only by Ivy as our most grizzled of kelp grizzlies) and her signature head-all-the-way-back swimming style.

“Rosa was one of our most playful sea otters, and even at 24 years old, she would still be seen frolicking and wrestling with the younger otters when she instigated it,” said Melanie Oerter, curator of mammals. “Rosa was usually found sleeping against the window while on exhibit with her chin tucked tight into her chest and her tail swishing back and forth.”

After being found stranded as a four-week-old pup in September 1999, Rosa became part of the Aquarium family before our sea otter surrogacy program even took shape. Our Sea Otter Program staff raised her by hand for nearly seven months before releasing her to the wild. 

Rosa eventually returned to the Aquarium once again in March 2002 when she didn’t take to life outside of human care, and she immediately became a fixture in the formative years of our sea otter surrogacy program as a caring adoptive mother for rescued pups destined for wild release.

She was a delight to work with, though she certainly had her expectations of our staff according to the many Sea Otter Mammalogists who trained (were trained by?) Rosa over the years. 

"Rosa was an incredibly smart otter! Generally calm and patient with the staff. However, she could be defiant at times and there would be no convincing her to do something she did not want to do," said Oerter. "She would often just look at us or swim away. I believe she was the one who was really training us all of these years. I certainly learned a lot from working with such an incredible otter. It has been a privilege and to say we will miss her is understated."

Rosa relaxed into retirement from surrogacy in 2019, acting as a companion and cornerstone in the ever-changing raft of otters in our care. 

Wild female sea otters live between 15 and 20 years, and reaching the age of 24 is a testament to the exceptional care Rosa received throughout her life from our Veterinary and Animal Care teams. In recent years, she began showing signs of age-related health concerns.  In the last few weeks, her health had been deteriorating. After an exam, the veterinary and animal care teams made the difficult choice to humanely euthanize Rosa because those health conditions were compromising her quality of life. She passed away peacefully, surrounded by her caretakers.

Rosa’s legacy lives on both at the Aquarium with our other resident sea otters Kit, Selka, Ivy, and Ruby, and in the wild, where sea otter pups she raised continue to raise pups of their own, contributing to the recovery of their species and their ecosystems along the California coast. 

Rosa was an inspiration to millions as a charismatic ambassador for her threatened species while playing a leading role in the story of sea otter recovery from near-extinction during the fur trade. Rosa will be greatly missed by all of us who got to know her over the years.

To celebrate Rosa’s long life, please feel free to share photos and stories of your encounters with Rosa at the Aquarium in the comment section on this post, in her memory and for the staff and volunteers grieving her loss. Thank you all for being such a big part of Rosa’s life. 🦦♥️

[thehumbleacquaintance]

7 years & 21 days

it's the second day of the year, yesterday was a hard one but i won't go into detail; just that it had my thoughts spiraling as a consequence.

I've been dwelling on my people-pleasing tendencies lately, i think i've mentioned it in a few past entries. i've been thinking of where this trait of mine stems from. like they say all the time, it all goes back to my childhood and i'm starting to believe it always will. as i live my life as a young adult i find myself performing in a way, trying to prove something. to myself, to my mother, to the father i never really knew, an imaginary observer. even as a kid i always felt the need to remind myself that i am likable, wanted, that any parent would want to have me as their kid. the reason for that was that i was whispered in the ear way too often about how i was unwanted, and sometimes shouted at the face by my mother. she always felt the need to make sure we remember that our own father didn't want to be in our lives. we were the unwanted children. ''i wanted to abort you, but your stupid father didn't let me.'' she would say on a regular tuesday morning while having breakfast. just like that, so easy. a nonchalant comment that would haunt me for life perhaps. growing up wasn't easy. i tried to make myself shine like a sparkly rock so that my mother wouldn't throw me out. kind of like how i would paint pebbles with glittery nail polish as a kid to make them pretty, likable. like me.

she often showed disdain towards my sister, she was the rotten fruit to her -taking it after our horrible father of course. because she was perfect, any bad trait we had had to be from him. my sister was tough, not like me. she would speak up for herself, and they would end up shouting at each other's faces for hours on end. it would scare me, make me cry, make me wish i was anywhere else but there, anywhere else but home. those were the days i was captivated by Alice in Wonderland, the idea of finding my own wonderland and never returning was just so tempting. make up scenarios in my head of running away to soothe my nerves. consequently, protecting my peace became my first priority in life and it still remains so. my first relationship didn't happen until i was 23, i was just so occupied with protecting my peace. and when it happened it wasn't love i chose, it was the comfort of a best friend who i trusted not to harm me. that was enough for me, until it wasn't. anyways, that's not today's topic.

so i had to become everything my sister wasn't, to not share her fate. to be wanted, liked, preferred even. i don't know. it got to a point that i can't see the line separating what's me from the role i played all my life to be the wanted child. the role ate my soul up. when i get complimented about how amiable i am, how i am always cheerful and easy going i internally shiver because it's like a slap in the face: ''they like you because you behave in a palatable way, if that stops so does the love. you need to hide any negative feelings ever and keep your customer service persona going!'' it's ruining my life, kind of. not entirely. i always believed being programmed to be likable at all times would only have perks but no, that's not true.

i get approached by people i don't want to interact with because of my easygoing, cheerful, kind(?) attitude. how do i explain that i am making myself small, harmless, ''cute'' because i am scared of angering anyone. i am just the small kid doing everything she can to not be yelled at, to not be looked at with disappointment. i am scared to say no so often in so many scenarios. it's engraved in me. if my mom asked me to do something, i never saw an option of rejecting it so i accepted my fate. even when she was violent (which wasn't often i'll be fair) i always tried to take it with grace. i felt it was what was expected from me. maybe now she will love me, accept me, want me?

and now i am a shell of a sad, empty, broken adult who doesn't know what she desires in life other than happiness, peace and love. okay that sounds depressing, i still have many things i do for my own happiness, my passions. i am fiery about them, so protective of any happy moment.

i know i need to end this habit, or control it. i can't have a self-worth so reliant on other people's validation. even if it has become an instinct over time, i need to break that instinct. i might start therapy, not just now but soon. this year.

anyways, i hope 2025 is a good one. take care.

[lingoreliclanguageacademyf]

Local Recruitment of Language Assistants (TAPIF Program)

In my blog about Assistant d’anglais, I had talked about the eligibility criteria, a teaching assistants’ job role and the pros and cons of being an English Teaching Assistant in France. If you’re planning to apply for the Teaching Assistant Program in France (TAPIF) and have not read my blog yet, go read it now and then continue to read this one.

This blog offers you a candid perspective of Assistant de langue. I will be talking about my second experience as an assistant. So this time I was an English Teaching Assistant at Reims Academy, and I'll tell you all about how it was different from the first time in Grenoble Academy. As aspiring assistants, you could use some help getting a broader idea of all kinds of experiences an assistant usually has, and to mentally prepare yourself. When I renewed As you know already, in 2020, I returned to India after being an English Teaching assistant once in Grenoble Academy. Back then, I wasn’t planning on renewing my contract. But well, since I had returned while the coronavirus pandemic was at its peak, I think within some corner inside my heart I was not ready to accept having quit France. It was as if Europe kept calling me back every single day but I didn’t listen to the voice within. I continued in India for almost a year as an online French Language teacher until a point came in July 2021 where certain things took an unplanned turn and I knew it was time to hear that inner voice.

So I finally decided to go back again. This time I hadn’t applied through the regular process for the program. Since the application deadlines had already ended almost 8 months ago, I applied as a local recruit. Check this blog of mine to know how you could also apply as a local recruit.

It was a risky decision for me to leave all of my French teaching and go to France to be an assistant again. I had worked really hard to build my online presence as a French teacher and I had responsibilities on me. Being an assistant again was like getting stuck earning a minimum wage compared to what I was earning as a French teacher. But I anyway found it tempting knowing that I deserved this time for myself and that I had plenty of savings. This time, I was under extreme stress but more excited because Europe was already a familiar place. I got selected for a high school and a secondary school in a small town called Chalons en Champagne under the Reims Academy. My Experience at the TAPIF Program

As an assistant, you devote just 12 hours weekly for classes and are paid for the same. However, this pay doesn’t include the time of your commute, spending time to plan your lessons and waiting in the school for the next class. I only had 4 days of work every week. But it was honestly both a blessing as well as a curse for me because the gaps in between the classes were too long!

This time I wasn’t provided accommodation within the school and so I stayed in Reims city. It was a 45- minute commute by Blablacar and a 1.5- hour commute by train, so certainly not easy especially in the early mornings of the winter. Blablacar was highly unreliable for daily commutes and train commute was too long and exhausting. Some of my school days required me to leave from Reims as early as 5:30 am in the dark to reach the town. Moreover, being vegetarian, I could not eat at the school canteen and so I had to either prepare all my meals for the day either the night before or very early in the morning. It took me extra hours and would be a lot more exhausting than productive. After each school day, I only had extreme fatigue and I didn’t even feel that I had learnt anything new.

Talking about my prof référent and colleagues, everybody was always sweet and understanding. But I was having some extreme difficulties on the personal and professional level. I still do wish there had been somebody to hear me out and possibly give a solution for my professional difficulties including my timings, commute, high rent, no CAF and far-away accommodation. But since I didn’t get any of that and knowing that my days weren't going productively enough, my stress was increasing. So I finally decided to resign on March 2nd, and took the rest of the time to travel in Europe till the end of April. I had plenty of savings and it was totally worth it!