#Super Long post

[diamondkat]

What do you think Alastor's morals are? And how do you think it will go against whatever Vox is doing next season ?

-N

Apologies, this is going to be long. I will begin by stating my biases. First, I am an Alastor stan. He has been my hyperfixation since 2023 and has refused to be moved or replaced. While I can claim to have a deep understanding of Alastor, I can't claim the same for other characters. Secondly, I am a fan of villains. I would not like Alastor half as much if he were a good person, and I believe most Alastor fans, even if they are not normally into villains, are at the very least into him as their chosen "bad boy" of the show. Most fans of the Vees are of similar taste. The third thing I want to note is that there are no purely evil characters on the show. Vivzie has said that Roo is the only pure evil character that she has for the show.

According to Vivzie, Alastor is a chaotic neutral character. I have talked before about duality as a key part of Alastor's trait. He is a character meant to embody both good and evil. Alastor, however, wants to be known for evil. He loves being a malicious, manipulative creature and barely hides it (love this about him to the point that I am likely to get bored if Alastor is completely devoid of malice in a fanfic). While mostly self-serving, he doesn't mind doing things for those he cares about, as can be seen with Mimzy and Niffty. Or sometimes even for strangers, like with the sheep sinner in the comic.

Alastor delights in torture and murder, but he seems to have weird morals relating to it. This is partly a headcanon based on what we have seen on the show and the playbill, but Alastor requires a person to attack him first. Alastor is mostly reactive, reflecting the attitude that he receives. Reacting to politeness with politeness, and violence with violence. Sir Pentious has fought Alastor multiple times and has been met with the same level of violence that he presents to Alastor. However, related to the comic, which might no longer be canon, Alastor threaten the butcher who was looking for ways to attack him, but doesn't attack him till he attacks the sheep sinner. That indicates another potential aspect of his morality. The attack on the sheep demon, combined with what the Butcher had done previously, made him acceptable prey to Alastor.

Now for Vox. Vivzie has stated that Vox is evil, and all the Vees are evil. To be honest, the only "good" trait that I can think of for Vox and the Vees is that they genuinely care about each other in their own way. That's it. However, this is what has made some people think that they, except Valentino, are better people than Alastor.

Vivzie has been trying for a while now to get this across. I noticed it after the Valentine's Day merch dropped, and she posted this in response to people complaining about Valentino being part of the merch.

I think the reaction to the Valentine's Day merch made Vivzie realise that there were people who didn't get it, which could lead to a potential backlash when they are forced to see Vox and Velvette be evil in Season 2. This was therefore followed by her posting this a while after. While it highlights their good side, which is their relationship, she is once again trying to remind people that all the Vees, not just Valentino, are evil.

Considering the reaction when the Pride merch came out for the Vees, people obviously still didn't get it. This latest post from Vivziepop was the one that seemed to finally make people get it. You will notice that it has even made some people realise that maybe the end of Vox and Alastor's relationship wasn't a case of poor, innocent Vox being hurt by the evil Alastor.

As someone who has gotten sick of people using Alastor as a comparison to Valentino when Vox is right there or even just implying that Vox is a better person than Alastor, this was a delight. Do I think Vox is more evil than Alastor? No, because I don't believe in measuring evil when it comes to fictional villains. I believe in flavours, and Alastor's flavour is more to my taste than Vox's. I prefer the whole classy, sadistic manipulator who enjoys being and showcasing himself as evil. I also love trickster-type characters who love to smile. I have just always hated the assumption that Vox is a better person, particularly when it is based on the misconception that having friends makes you a better person than someone who is a loner.

Comparing their evil nature, I believe that the only "evil" thing that Alastor would do that the Vees would not do is cannibalism. Murder, torture, manipulation, and whatever evil that you can accuse Alastor of is not something that is beneath the Vees. On the other hand, the specific type of evil that the Vees act on that is not Alastor's type of evil is theft of consent. What I mean is that all the Vees, including Vox, have a tendency to bypass the consent of others. From Valentino's smoke to Velvette's love potion to Vox's mind control, these are people who do not believe that consent matters. What matters is what they want, and you don't get to tell them no. Alastor might be a top-class manipulator who is not above taking advantage of people's emotional state to get what he wants, but he is not bypassing consent. He announces constantly that he is evil and up to no good, so that when you get into a deal with him, you can't claim to have misunderstood who you are dealing with. He invites people to attack him first with the full knowledge of what happens to those who cross him, so that when he does torture you, he can claim that you asked for it. Now, some might say that what Alastor does is not proper "informed" consent, but I would say that is far more consensual than someone taking away your ability to choose.

People say that Alastor wants to rule hell because he said that he wants to be the one pulling the strings. The Vees also said that they want to rule hell. There is a difference between the two even in that scenario. You see, someone who pulls that string exists in the background. They do not directly wield power. They wield influence over those who directly run things. Alastor has no interest in directly running everything. The Vees don't just want to run things directly, based on Vox's past as a cult leader and his tendency to use mind control to avoid consent, I get the feeling that he would prefer if all of hell would become mindless drones that only do as he says.

In season 2, I am expecting the Vees to be making a power grab, using their influence on the media and Vox's mind control to turn hell or at least the Pride ring, against Charlie and Lucifer. Alastor will be weakened for most of Season 2 and not in a position to interfere in what they are doing. I expect us to get the complicated and sad background to why Alastor and Vox's relationship ended, which will show how misunderstandings and outside forces worked against their relationship. However, the present group that Vox is part of was never one that Alastor could have been a part of without getting rid of his limited moral compass, considering the whole consent thing. I'm not one of those who think the Vees will die at the end, but they will lose. I expect Vox's constant need to pivot to the next big thing to end up being what Alastor uses against him.

Thanks for the ask. I would have responded sooner, but I kept thinking of the best way to word it, and it kept getting longer.

Shout out to fans of the Vees, especially Valentino fans, who will get some vindication against the haters who keep wanting him removed from merch with the other Vees. Season 2 is going to be your season, particularly if you are a villain fan. You'll get to see them be their best evil selves.

[evilminji]

With Talismans, what's the difference between a veil and a helmet with built in gasmask?

Not a damn thing!

Read a one shot, where Shang Qinghua had to wear a veil for plot reasons. And? My brain started to kick in. The world they live in? Is chock FULL of bullshit Aphrodisiacs. Powders and pollens that are fuck or die. Which? One: what happens if you get hit when NO ONE IS AROUND.

And TWO(‽‽‽): The VERY REAL and tragic reality? Is that NOT everyone who stumbles upon one of those poisons? Is gonna be a hot single in your area. TODDLERS like to wander off and pick up The Pretty Flower™ or Poke The Weird Animal™.

They are GOING to get poisoned. It is GOING it hit them harder and faster them an adult, because of their size. And they are GOING to die. There will be little to nothing you can do.

Hell, MOST children are basicly dead upon infection. Assuming it truely is a "Or Die" variety, instead of a "or suffer greatly". The fact that veils aren't STANDARD for prepubesant children? If only to improve their chances of survival? WILDLY irresponsible.

That Veil could be the only difference between a face full of deadly pollen and an inconvenient afternoon in the decontamination baths. With a side of ruined veil. And! Would you RATHER? Lose a pretty bit of fabric? Than, oh, YOUR LIFE!?

Irresponsible!!!

The Mortality and Morbidity rates must be STAGERING. For fucks sake! COVER UP! Nature is deadly! Trust NOTHING! Twenty layers and leave room for the chaperones! HOW ARE ANY OF YOU MOTHER FUCKER STILL ALI-!!!

Which! Brings me! To my New SI-OC~☆ 🎉🎉🎉

She spent her whole first life RUSHING. Go, go, GO! No time for hobbies. No time for frivolous social events. No time for proper rest. Nothing. She died exhausted. Hated it. Regretted it. Was she GOOD at it? Beside the point. (Yes.) She never wants to rush, rush, RUSH, again.

Naturally, she ends up in a family that wants to marry her off as a business arrangement. Lots of work in her future. Expected to be the THIRD wife. Ha ha... how about "NO."

See, her First Father? Always taught her? "They can't MAKE you don't anything. You ALWAYS have a choice. It's just a matter of if you're willing to pay the price for that choice." And? Yeah. Fuck these guys. They wanted Filial Piety? They should have given her someone WORTHY of such loyalty. A FAMILY to be loyal TOO.

Off she goes~ with her shit shoved in a bag she made literally right in front of them, while they weren't paying attention.

Wearing a veil. Not to "hide her identy" or anything. Or "protect her beautiful face" or whatever. But, because? It keeps dust and Suspect Powders out of her face. Coupled with a hat? And she's quite protected from the sun! Nice~

She gets to Cang Qiong Mountain Sect. "Climb the mountain" etc. "Dig a hole". Ppphff. Look at all these idiots and their No Gloves havin asses. Where's your water and support bandages, idiots? You even lift bro?? Did you even ASK workers on the way here about the best way to dig? Bet you didn't.

Work Smart, not hard. Ya Casuals.

(Never Fuckin Again.)

And because I LOVE the PIDM universe? And all the ways it could have gone of the rails with different Transmigrators? It is OG!Shang Qinghua who is standing there, bored and long suffering, when he... "oh~? Oh HO~?" *goes from ( -_-) to ( ◇.◇)* like? What's this~?

Snarky and silently judgemental? Smarter then she let's on? Clearly hiding great talent behind an unassuming appearance? (Projection? Whaaaat? Noooo....) It's like a mini-him.

.......that one. He wants THAT one.

And for once, he's willing to fight about it.

Everyone else chosen by An Ding is like "... oh. Okay, I guess." But SI-OC? *Violent Flashback to The War Her Days Of Endless Work* *squints suspiciously at the An Ding Lord* "mother fucker, you have five seconds to give me a good reason not to run for the hills and try my luck at a different Sect"

"One, I would catch you. I'm far faster. And Two... we have first dibs on all the good shit the Sect gets. Plus Talismans. You can study literally anything you damn well please, unlike the other Peaks."

Hmmmm, she DOES like the idea of Talismans.... *squints suspiciously* you're on thin ice, bribery man. Your convincing arguments will only get you so far, if the work conditions are shit.

And Shang Qinghua is like? "Aw. Is Baby. I bet it bites. You'd rob me blind in the night and run for the hills, wouldn't you~? Wouldn't you~☆? Oh my gods. Is THIS what my Shizun felt? No wonder he put up with me."

Unfortunately...the food is AMAZING. Great perks all around. Because no one respects them, they take the GOOD shit without remorse. Fuck those guys. The work? Lots of hurry up and wait. Plenty of time to study (when CERTAIN Peak Lords aren't TRASHING THEIR PEAKS).

And SI-OC? Finds that traditional meditation doesn't work at first. She's too used to the "YOU HAVE TO BE BUSY" mindset. But? A project? That works! And Talismans can be sown into clothes. It's slow work. Gotta get it just right. Lots of calculations. Lots of paints them on the cloth with specific inks, then sewing with specific threads. Sometimes washing, sometimes not. Occasionally there's beading.

Slow and steady.

From her veils to her inner robes, on out. Using An Ding connections to track down experienced master crafts men, just to trade them her work for some of theirs. Cultivator made Qiankun pouches in sleeves, protections from this and that. Expensive stuff, for an average man. But off course, only the best, for his daughter who is to be wed. And of COURSE, she would supply the materials for him to work with! She understands his time and talent is a valuable thing.

She also sends a wedding gift. Amazing how far being polite and thoughtful can get you. The jewelry is magnificent. Her arrays? Perfectly transcribed. She is a fancy looking TANK and she loves it.

And, yes, as a Disciple, she can only wear so much of her slowly growing hoard of "I AM The Danger apperal". But does that STOP her? Fuck no. Cause what are you gonna do? Police her underwear? Huh? Gonna tell her she can't wear that many underlayers? HUH?

She looks like a gauzy little fairy. Ribbons braided in her hair (they are talisman arrays, each and every one of them). Gauzy three layer veil fluttering delicately in the breeze (it is embroidered within an inch of its life. Hair thin, spider silk, talisman arrays on every millimeter available). Delicate underlayers peaking put at the neck and sleeves, like a flowers bloom (Arrays. It's all coated in arrays. Death to all who would dare, covered by a single over robe).

All topped with tinkling little jewelry.

(Focal anchors. Because some arrays are simply to strong for cloth)

As in with Nature... the brighter and More Lovely? The higher the chance it'll kill you. Especially in this world. And An Ding colors are bright indeed~☆. She's the Peak Lords lil Cabbage. When it all goes to shit? (As he always half assumes it will.) He's planning on picking her up like a sack of potatoes and booking it. Instead of his ORIGINAL plan... of just straight up booking it.

\( ^-^)/ yay! Family! Team "fuck them guys. We out!"

She teaches PIDM Binghe the valuable life lesson of "fuck this guy... I'm out". Cause like? Have you considered? NOT sitting there and taking it? He sucks. To you specifically. This is clearly toxic and not your responsibility to fix. Come to An Ding. Or literally ANY OTHER PEAK. Or a different Sect! You don't owe him SHIT.

And like? Fuck it. You look like that Su Xiyan lady. Maybe Hua Huang will take you in? She was a rock star there. (She says, as though she doesn't know)

Cue said sect Actively On Fire barely five years later when Creepy does as Creepy do. Cue Binghe prob hunting down and releasing Tianlang-jun. Cue "if it weren't for my Shemei, your mountain would be ash" letter sent to the sect leader.

And like? Cue Mobei-jun clearly waffling between "do I want to Kill this threat... or [REDACTED IN DEMONIC] him. He's not loyal to ME... but he's clearly capable. He has a daughter now. I thought he was inherently treacherous. Was going to kill him for that. But if he's just some weirdly Human flavor of Demonic Treacherous? That's... kinda hot. Look how LOYAL he is to his kid. I want that."

5d chess out here in the northern court. As this man tries to parent Qinghua's not-child and he desperately resists the urge to finally stab him.

Just? Everything's a mess and she will NEVER get the peace n quite she longed for. Cheated! Scammed! She should have head west til she hit ocean then boarded a BOAT! This is BULLSHIT D:<

@mayfay @legitimatesatanspawn @babbling-babull @spidori @hdgnj @leftnotright

[steorrneleom]

BG3 Elven Names: A Watsonian Perspective

Amongst folks who like Astarion as a character, the meaning of his name is a common topic of discussion. The answer is typically that it is a variation of Astērion (Ἀστερίων), a Greek name meaning starry, which makes complete sense considering that he is likely a moon elf, but it is based in a language that does not actually exist in the Forgotten Realms. This isn’t a problem, a Doylist answer is completely valid, but I thought it would be fun to figure out what the meaning would be in Elvish (the D&D version), a Watsonian answer (1). After Astarion's, I set out to see if this could be done with Halsin and Cazador as well. I present here my results, with narrative. I have also included a TLDR at the end for those who want to skip the methodology.

(1) To any who may not be aware: Doylist means that it is what the author was thinking when writing / what their intention was. Watsonian means the in-universe perception / explanation. Example: Why did magic change so much between D&D 3.5e and D&D 4e? Doylist answer is that they wanted to simplify how magic worked to draw in new players. Watsonian answer is that Mystra was assassinated by Shar and Cyric resulting in arcane magic becoming unstable and changing its behavior.

In the Lack of Duolingo

First things first, I needed a resource for the Elven language in D&D. As with many collaborative canons, official uses of the language were spread through many mediums and over the course of decades. This makes hunting down sources difficult, but luckily a wonderful person by the name of Diane Morrison was kind enough to create ‘A Treatise on Espruar,’ which offers a complete dictionary. This is what I will be using:

A quick disclaimer that, also like with many collaborative canons, this language has inconsistencies and gaps which makes a true cannon language impossible until a complete conlang is officially released. What I present is to the best of our current resources.

Method to the Madness

I have the words, but next comes the challenge of using them. These names were not made to be interpreted in the lens I am using, so it is kind of like trying to fit a square peg in anything but a square hole. Some words can line up near perfect but have meanings that make absolutely no sense, like dragon royal world, or some words can have the right meanings but have the wrong letters. I resolved this with the following criteria:

The words used must be as close to the name as possible.

Sound shifts must be minimal and not drastic.

As few letter drops as possible.

A meaning that makes sense in context (as much as possible).

Key

Word / part of word Meaning

Astarion

Something noteworthy about Astarion’s name that I kept in mind when translating it is that it was his ‘child name’, the name that was given to him by his parents and not one he chose for himself (2). This means that the meaning wouldn’t necessarily be one that he himself liked, but rather one that a parent would like to ascribe to their child.

Searching for words, one almost seemed perfect at first: Aasterinian (meaning quicksilver). It was already so close to his name without having to Frankenstein words together, but sadly it broke nearly all of my rules. It had three letter drops and two sound shifts: er to ar and ian to ion. I also was of the opinion that while quicksilver was a fine name meaning, it wasn’t one that felt like it was meant for a child.

So, the next option was a combination of Aestar (meaning together or one heart) and -ion (meaning noble). I was hesitant of this one at first. The meaning I wanted to use for Aestar, heart, had seemed to be reserved for the context of marriage at first glance, but then I saw the name Araestar with its meaning of Goldheart. This is evidence that heart is valid for names as well.

Thus, my Watsonian idea is that Astarion’s name comes from Aestarion, which translates to noble heart. This only has one letter drop and a slight sound shift from Ae to A. I also personally think noble heart is a fitting meaning for a child’s name.

(2) Astarion’s tombstone has his name and states he was 39 when he ‘died’. Elves are typically considered adults and choose their new name when they reach the age of 100.

Halsin

Halsin was a bit of a hard one, where there were tons of possibilities but near all of them just didn’t fit right. Halsin is 350 years old, he would have presumably chosen his name with a meaning that represented him as a person. He, in my opinion, wouldn’t have a name that meant something random like weak brook or red. In addition, I had to find a combination of words that fit my rules.

So, I had to write down three prefix possibilities, five word possibilities, three suffix possibilities, and mix and match until I got something that met my criteria. I won't include my rejected combinations due to their number, but here are some reasons I rejected them: ‘r to l sound shift is too drastic’, ‘the on sound is too different from in’, and ‘though m and n are close in the IPA the sound shift feels too great’. Luckily, I did find a combination I was satisfied with in the end.

My Watsonian idea is that Halsin’s name comes from Halasan which translates to one who is free and wild. The ending of Halasan would likely be pronounced like in already so it would only be a letter change instead of a sound shift. The only other change needed would be a letter drop, the a in las.

Cazador

Now this name I went in thinking that it would be the true challenge, the 'z' felt distinctly non-elven to me, but much to my surprise D&D elven does have the z sound and letter. It was still hard to get a good meaning out of it, especially since it is unknown whether this would be his child name or his adult name and there was only one combination of words that worked.

The collection of words at my disposal were cas which means herald, -adar which means world, and za which means royal, of royalty. From this, I got Cazadar, which is a modification of Casadar that adds za. This would give a direct translation of herald of royalty world, which I feel would be interpreted as royal herald (to the world). It isn’t the cleanest meaning, but I feel like there is ego and world domination vibes to it, so it works.

A slight tangent, it is debatable how valid my overlapping construction is. It is possible that the shift from cas to caz would be seen as just a letter shift and not an addition of the word za. This wouldn’t be a problem, herald of the world is still a valid meaning for my purposes, despite it losing some of the ego. There is also the possibility that the za is seen but it results in the caz being interpreted as ca, a letter shift from ka which means dragon. Since there is no dor or dar in elvish, it is possible that it would be seen either as an ornamentation or a shortening of -adar, in which case the translation becomes dragon of royalty or dragon of royalty world. These meanings aren’t horrible in the case of a wrongful interpretation, but it doesn’t entirely make sense, and Kazaadar breaks the rules I imposed.

With all this being said, my Watsonian idea is that Cazador’s name comes from Cazadar, which can be translated to royal herald (to the world). This is the one name that I created that feels like a stretch, but I tried my best.

Last Names

I originally only did the first names when I decided to make this, but then I realized while typing all this that this probably wouldn’t be complete without trying the last names too... and so, I decided to give them a try. I sat down with the elven dictionary and felt the hope leave my body as soon as I wrote them down on my scrap paper. Ancunín, with a little accent on the ‘i’ and a super rare letter for D&D elvish, ‘u’; and Szarr, with two consonants (S and Z of all things) next to each other. I predicted a struggle, a struggle is what I got, and I fled the battle, unsuccessful. I was not able to find anything that met my rules… yet.

I will revisit this someday, but it will require a lot more research on Faerûn than I am able to put in right now, sadly. Here is the fun thing about last names, they are often more influenced by location as opposed to the ethnic origin of someone. Case and point: in the US a lot of folks changed their last name upon arrival to better fit in, or it was messed up enough times that they changed it for convenience sakes. Examples: Müller turning into Miller (a spelling change), Zimmermann becoming Carpenter (a direct translation), or going from Sadowski to Smith (A complete change to assimilate). They also have a different meaning convention compared to regular names to begin with, where they can be based on the location an ancestor lived, their occupation, or their nickname.

A Watsonian answer may exist for Ancunín and Szarr, but it would be rooted in where their families lived through the eras and other local languages that might have influenced the original elvish version. Like perhaps the location the Ancunín family is from has a predominant language which favors ‘u’ as a vowel. Maybe Szarr isn’t elvish at all and is an occupation name. I don’t know if I will be able to find a satisfying answer, but if I do one day I will be sure to post it.

Bonus

Espruar is the alphabet of the elvish language, which looks really cool in my opinion. Before I even started looking into the Watsonian origins of the names, I thought it would be cool to see what their names looked like written in it and so vectorized all the letters. Below are the character's names and their origin names written with Espruar.

Astarion

Aestarion

Halsin

Halasan

Cazador

Casadar

Cazadar

Little End Note

I want to thank everyone who read through my long explanations and tangents, I hope you enjoyed reading the thought process behind all of these ☺️. I also wanted to let you folks know that I am going to make another post soon with my vectorized Espruar alphabet so anyone can write with it should they want to.

TLDR

[kbluebirdart]

A pre-calamity story. that's it that simple. sorry for the language mistake in advance!

That super long post!

Thanks for reading!

[maxdibert]

Honestly, if Severus had had emotional maturity, he would have realized that Lily always minimized his harassment by the marauders, like "boys will be boys." If I were Snape, I would have cut off the friendship a long time ago. What would you do in Severus' position?

The problem with Severus and Lily's relationship is that it wasn’t built on equal footing. Lily made a friend, possibly like many others in her life, because she came from a structured family with a solid foundation in interpersonal relationships. Despite her issues with Petunia, we know her parents adored her and were thrilled to have a witch for a daughter, so we can assume her emotional role models were quite positive, which helped her build relationships at school and even become somewhat popular. For Severus, though, Lily wasn’t just a friend. Severus came from a poor and dysfunctional family, his father was abusive, and his mother didn’t seem to do much to protect her son from that abuse. His view of relationships and affection was already deeply distorted by the environment he grew up in. For him, being with Lily, playing with her, was a way to escape what was happening at home. It was a moment of peace, of stability, something he wasn’t familiar with. I genuinely believe he developed a very strong emotional dependency on her and her attention, because, from childhood, Lily represented everything good, everything that made him feel safe and important to someone.

Then adolescence hit, and they had very different interests and goals. I don’t hate Lily, but I do think she was a bit shallow. I mean, ending up with a rich, socially successful bully is pretty shallow. And it fits her character, because at the end of the day, she was a lower-middle-class girl in the Muggle world, and a Muggle-born in the magical world—she didn’t belong to any relevant social class in either. So, being pursued and courted by the most popular guy in her year, who was also super rich and from an important family, must have appealed to her. J.K. Rowling said in an interview, when someone mentioned that Lily supposedly hated James, that “Lily never hated James. You, as a woman (to the interviewer), should understand or know that.” She hinted that all the hatred towards James was an act and that she was actually attracted to him, which tells me a lot about Lily as a person and her values. I would never date a bully, whether or not they had attacked my friend. If I saw someone constantly abusing others at school, I wouldn’t date that person, but Lily did. And I don’t think it was because James made her believe he had changed, manipulated her, or any of the nonsense people say. I don’t think Lily was stupid. I think she knew exactly what she was doing by getting involved with someone who could give her social status, a life of comfort, and a position she didn’t have in either the magical or Muggle world.

Severus clearly went in a different direction. He wasn’t doing well at school, and the rich, popular kids decided that picking on him was easier than going after their rich, pure-blood classmates, because those pure-bloods could get them into real trouble, so it was easier, more comfortable, and safer to go after the weakest link—the poor half-blood. They made life unbearable for someone who already felt that life outside of school was equally unbearable. They bullied someone who was already being abused outside of school, and that’s probably what pushed Severus—if he already had an interest in the Dark Arts—closer to more negative influences.

Lily and Severus grew apart as they matured, and this is completely normal. It happens to all of us as kids. We all had those close childhood friends who took different paths during adolescence, and that’s okay. The problem is that, despite everything, Severus still saw Lily as that symbol of his childhood happiness. She was his happy memory (which is why the whole Patronus thing makes a lot of sense), because he probably didn’t have happier moments than the ones he shared with her. And in the midst of all the bullying and questionable influences at Hogwarts, during the early years, Lily was probably also his safe space. But Lily didn’t see Severus in the same way, and I’m not talking about romance, but rather that she didn’t see their friendship as something necessary, something emotionally vital for her. Severus was dependent; she wasn’t.

In a way, I think that, beyond emotional immaturity, Severus also lacked healthy emotional role models, and therefore he didn’t realize that Lily was actually kind of a jerk. Add to that the fact that he was blinded by her, considering her his emotional anchor, and he probably wasn’t able to see her negative traits. That’s also very common.

I believe that if Lily hadn’t died and Severus had had the chance to have a life of his own without sacrificing all his autonomy and independence to serve Dumbledore, over time he would have matured and gained perspective, because despite everything, he was a smart guy. He would have realized that his relationship with Lily was always one-sided, and I think he could have started fresh and become a functional person. But he never got that chance. It’s been proven in psychiatry that abuse victims who don’t process their traumas remain stuck in the time period when the abuse occurred. In Severus’ case, the abuse started in childhood and continued throughout adolescence, so it’s logical and normal that he ended up being a very dysfunctional adult, unable to manage his emotions properly or set limits for himself when situations triggered him too much. In some ways, he acts like a child. The comment about Hermione’s teeth is childish—it sounds like something Draco would say, and Draco is a teenager. The same goes for many of his remarks to Harry or Neville, which are basically sarcastic jabs from a bratty kid being a jerk. I think we see this best (because it happens between equals, interestingly between two people with significant emotional issues) when he has several confrontations with Sirius. Maybe Sirius’ immaturity is more obvious because he’s a loudmouth and pretty extroverted, but Severus also behaves like a brat, which shows that despite not spending 12 years in Azkaban, he hasn’t grown either. If we think about it, Severus had his own Azkaban: Hogwarts. He had to return to the place where he had a terrible time and experienced several of his worst traumas, to teach, even though he didn’t even want to be a teacher, and he had to adopt that jerk persona to mask all the emotions and insecurities he felt being there. You can’t heal in the place where you were hurt. You can’t heal by giving up your life for a greater good. You can’t heal while feeling guilty over the death of someone who was once the most important person in your life. Severus was stuck in adolescence mentally, even though he was an adult. And this happens a lot with victims like him.

Honestly, despite everything, I think Severus was quite level-headed and pretty decent. Or maybe I’m saying this because I’m more of a jerk than he is, but I would have made James Potter and Sirius Black suffer a lot. I would have found out all their secrets and made them public, putting all my efforts into making them wish they were dead and even have suicidal thoughts. And if a friend of mine had acted like Lily, who kind of laughed when Snape was being abused, I would’ve beaten her so badly she’d lose her nose. But well, I have less ethics than Severus and maybe more temper.

[hidden-by-a-trench-coat]

Hi does anyone want to hear about my SFTH Orchestra AU???

I've had it in the back of my mind for a little while but I was suddenly struck with intense inspiration, so here's what I have so far ideas-wise with my favorites/more elaborated ones on top and going down with less detail (I'll split them up by longform for your convenience):

(Kind of a long post so beware. It should also be noted I have only been in orchestra and I know depressingly little about the choir and band so. I apologize in advance - please feel free to add input about either of those if you want!)

Unrelenting Aubergine

I'm not fully sure about what Margaery's role would be, but for some reason she gives me cellist vibes. Maybe it's the way Sam sits while playing her, idk- regardless I feel like she'd be really good at it and would have lots of experience

She can play baroque-style as well because I said so. (I'll get to it later but she plays in the group with Father Andrews and Begruvia, too)

She could also be the conductor... I feel like she'd fit the role well, but I want to keep that slot open for now

Titch and James, I'm not exactly sure what they'd play, but with Margaery playing cello it makes me think they could, too and Margeary's magic in this AU is instead her teaching their father to play and then also teaching them how to play. With them playing the same instrument, it still allows them to have their rivalry as they try to live up to their father's legacy! Maybe he leaves them a really really nice instrument and they're kind of competing for it

James also gives me double bass vibes so maybe he's just doing it to try to make their father proud but in reality he kind of just wants to play double bass. Maybe he likes jazz, he kind of gives me those vibes

And Derek!!! I can't forget about him. He gives me viola vibes for some reason. Or maybe second violinist. He just wants to support Titch!!! But I think he could play piano as I could see that fitting for him. He’s Titch’s accompaniment! Basically his assistant, still

(He also gives me music theory nerd vibes for some reason, so maybe he composes from time to time)

Phantom of Hornchurch

Begruvia plays baroque-style viola because I said so. (This is what inspired the AU, actually-) He can also play modern viola but he just prefers baroque-style

Andrews, meanwhile, plays the organ! (it's so associated with churches I though it would be fitting) That and maybe harpsichord/piano, too, since if he can play organ he can probably play those two as well

(He also kind of gives me conductor vibes, but that's usually reserved for the first violinist in ensembles [or, well, leading, is. Not exactly 'conducting']. He'd probably be second to lead, though)

They respect each other's skills but they don't really get along - probably because they have completely different musical interpretations of the pieces and things

Since it's probably a small group, however, - and as I mentioned earlier - Margaery is there, too, and they both respect her skills. She finds it amusing to watch them bicker when it's not interfering with their practice time. She is not afraid to scold them about them wasting time

Cardboard Stegosaurus

Cliff plays cello (I swear I'm not that biased- they just all give me cello vibes). He's in his own ensemble before meeting Maire-Claire

Marie-Claire plays either violin or harp, but I'm leaning towards violin. It mimics the voice, it can have such a sweet but intense sound; she steals the show and yet she is still so collaborative and knows how to work with a group so well and Cliff absolutely loves it (but she would also be so majestic with a harp so. Either or!)

Pierre plays viola or cello, too, but I'm actually leaning towards viola. Him and Marie-Claire used to do lots of duets together and they played in an ensemble together

Marie-Claire and Cliff meet at some kind of ensemble gathering together where they play in a group together and they are both just enamored by each other's playing and it goes from there.

I imagine they don't pressure Chip into playing any instruments, but he still wants to try. I think Marie-Claire would try to teach him some violin and maybe in the future if anything happens with Cliff and Pierre (because I kind of love them) Chip can pick up viola, too, and use what he learned about violin to transition to viola. Maybe he plays both - either way Pierre is impressed by how much Chip knows and probably recognizes the skills that he learned from Marie-Claire right away

Toby's Secret Pocket

Toby would play something really elegant. I could see him playing harp and being really proud of it - but I could also see him playing piano. Maybe he knows both

He could also compose music, that might make a little more sense (he'd probably play a bit, too, though)

I don't have any ideas for his wife yet, but I imagine she'd have some kind of role in the orchestra, too

Clancy and Doohickey, meanwhile, should be like, a really loud section. Either somewhere in the like band section (brass and woodwinds or whatever) or like. First violins. Something where they can fight about their positions all the time. I don’t know enough about band instruments to assign them any, though and I don't know if they fit violin

They also don't have to be in the same section, they could also be two different instruments always fighting about which instrument is better or which has better solos/pieces and stuff, which can do cooler things, that kind of stuff. They could have some funny stuff being at the front of their sections and constantly glaring at each other as they try to be the better player but also have to communicate so they just glare (I think they'd secretly respect each other's playing, though)

Jimmy can be there, too! I think he could play something like trombone, maybe. One of the brass instruments, I feel like. Or maybe we can give him a triangle. I think he’d like triangle. Regardless, he's just having a great time in the background

From here on I don't have as elaborate of ideas, but I still want to include them

Inside the Mysterious Cube

Jeremiah and Bubba I feel like would play something like the fiddle (which, fun fact, I'm pretty sure is literally just violin and all of the difference comes from the style of play, actually) or something like saxophone. Which, I know would make them be kind of out of place in an orchestra, but idk, I think it suits them for some reason

Regardless they just enjoy themselves. I feel like they'd do a lot of duets and things rather than like full group performances

Clarissa's DIY Wedding

Amanda could sing. I think she’d have a great singing voice. That or like. Bassoon??? Idk why I just like. I just see it.

Clarissa, meanwhile I could also see singing. But maybe she picks up another instrument. I could see her playing flute

I think they would have met when they were young at some kind of music camp or at a music class at school and they just hit it off and became best friends from there. I think they would have done some great duets when they were younger

Mark would either play one of the brass instruments or like, keyboard. Some kind of electric instrument. Or maybe percussion. Admittedly I don't have many ideas for him (and I know too little about band to give him an instrument...) but he should be there, too

Priscilla's Final Petal

Priscilla! She still plays piano, she still pretty young (maybe somewhere around 18), still pressured into it by her parents (probably getting her into college, too), and she’s good at it, but… she doesn’t enjoy it.

Because of this she doesn’t have much musicality (or like. Putting emotion into the music, kind of). She plays the notes on the page as they’re written and doesn't really try much else. It doesn't have much emotion and it sometimes hinders the performance.

Everyone in the orchestra worries about her because she doesn’t seem to enjoy herself… (I like to think they try to take care of her or at least check in on her because she's still pretty young compared to most of them and she doesn't seem to be enjoying herself, but she's a good kid - I feel like Derek especially would check in on her, but people like Amanda, Jeremiah and Bubba, and Cliff do, too - oh, and Margaery! She acts like she doesn’t care but she does)

One time she gets really angry during a rehearsal and just stands up and yells at the conductor (whoever that ends up being, I still don't know) about how much she hates music and playing and how dumb it all is. Maybe she throws her music to the ground, of which some sections are just scribbled frantically out, and she just walks out and doesn’t return for the next few rehearsals

I think she would just need to find out how to enjoy music on her own or find something else to do - maybe a different instrument, maybe something else entirely, who knows

Wild, Wet, and Worrisome

Persephone!!! Maybe she sings but she just isn't great at it. Or maybe she is but she doesn't like it all that much. But the others still like her, even if they can be a bit rude at times (her sisters can be there, too). In my mind she desires to play another instrument and hasn't gotten a chance to try anything different (for some reason I want to say flute)

Maybe that’s how she meets Geoff. Maybe he plays something else - percussion? They’re both a bit awkward and they still hit it off - I don't have many other ideas about them, though, but I want them to be there

And that's it for now! I really want to include Tarquin and Amanda from Lost In Your Eyes (who would've guessed), but I don't have any ideas for them yet... I kind of want to include Beetroot Sam/Rupert and Justin, too, cause I like them, but I'm not sure. Maybe the Bandit Brothers, too. Jemima, David, and Mr. Steven from Milkman could also fit in... Caesar and Juliet could join in on the baroque-style playing group. Nigel, Andrew, and Uncle Sam could be fun to put in there, too. I should probably go to sleep now, but I might add onto this later with more ideas for them as I think of them.

Thank you for reading my ramblings! Feel free to add more ideas, I'm now very invested in this AU. Maybe I'll write something for it in the future but I'm not sure (Also, I need ideas for a conductor... I keep forgetting… Conductor Nigel, maybe…? I don’t know)

[chronicallyqueercoining2]

A love letter to a few members of the LIOMOQAI community

for day 14 of my Coining Event :

[This post is about to be... so very long! I apologize...!!! If you got tagged and you can't find your spot, check alphabetically! This is sorted from A-Z!]

First, though, a quick love letter to any and all LIOMOQAI community members. We, of course, could not feasibly fit every single creator, collector, archiver, and member that is a part of the community, nor could we fit every single one that is greatly admired by us.

I want to thank you, LIOMOQAI community, for existing. You created a safe space for me to coin and express identities that I didn't know we were allowed to have or experience. Now, I teach people I know about this community, and they begin to find terms for themselves, too. When we think of community, we think of you.

[I know that the LIOMOQAI community is FAR from perfect, but so are all communities, and I have full confidence that when we acknowledge this fact, we can then work on bettering the community. Call out the hostility and hatred within the community if and when you see it, but never forget to see all of the welcoming and love.]

Each and every one of you is what makes the LIOMOQAI community what it is today. I've watched this community grow for the 4+ years I've been a part of it, and it's been a privilege. I can't wait to continue to grow with you all.

And to the term hoarders/collectors of the community, I see and appreciate and love you. You are so valued, and you are just as important in making the community go 'round as the coiners are. It means the world to see one of our terms get reblogged to somepony's personal term collection blog! I want you to know that coiners care about you, too!

To the archivers, thank you for helping to preserve history. Sometimes blogs go away, or coiners become inactive, or life just happens, and you and your blogs are there to help! You protect history and save these identities for so many more to be able to see and enjoy. What you do really matters. The dedication and effort that it takes to archive is immense, and I, along with my fellow coiners and community members, really love what you do.

And to all of the coiners! Hai :3 just kidding, that's not all I have to say! I want to thank you for making terms and flags and helping put experiences into words and colors and creations. We know as well as any that it can end up taking a lot of effort and be exhausting, so we praise and thank you for what you do! I love seeing the terms you all make, and am so excited for the infinite possibilities that await.

I guess what I'm trying to say, LIOMOQAI community, is that: we love you (/familial /platonic.) or, if you don't like terms like love, then we appreciate you and are so glad you exist.

Now for the individual/personal notes!

I may not know all of you super well, but trust me when I say that I greatly appreciate what each and every one of you does for the LIOMOQAI community and wanted to thank some of you and comment on what I greatly appreciate about your accounts/terms.

@boingogender ~ Yayyyyy I love your blog! I really love your terms and the overall aesthetic of your blog! I especially love your music terms (which is most of them, which I love)! We really love music, and seem to have similar taste in some bands, so we especially love to see it! We are hoping to get caught up on your coining event as it is super cool :3

@cadycoins ~ your flags are SUPER pretty! I love the gender system you made recently (I need to remember to reblog that!) a lot! I also love your blog theme, as we also love CRK!!! Your terms and flags are so super cool overall :3

@daybreakthing ~ I am SO grateful for the PSDs that you upload to DeviantArt! They are so helpful for me when we are making flags under current umbrellas or existing affixes, and we are sure they are helpful to plenty of others! You've been a blog that we've looked up to since towards the start of our coining (or any of your other blogs that you were active on, previously, like @/revenant-coining) and you still are! You make some really epic umbrella labels, and some really awesome flags, and I just adore your blog overall!

@dragonpride17 ~ I love LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog!!! I also adore all of your archives that you run, as archiving is so important for history and, thus, for our community! Your terms are all gorgeous and super rad, and I love each and every one of them! I love seeing your blog on my dash. You are super cool, and I can't wait to see what you coin for the other coining events you're doing!

@dwllie ~ all of your flags are really gorgeous and pawsome! I really, especially, like your monster high flags (so fangtastic!) and your [x] instead of partner term flags!!! You make so many really cool terms, and I really like your blog aesthetic!!

@en8y ~ I really like your devotion to the community! You've been a blog I've really looked up to for a long time :3 the sheer amount of flags and identities you have made is astounding and really epic and admirable. Everything that you do for the LIOMOQAI community (especially the vast array of flags/identities you make) is so appreciated and absolutely seen!

@felidaety ~ I LOVE all your terms! The flags are so pretty and the meanings are rad and important and I really value your contribution to the community! Your blog is super welcoming and I deeply value that, as well!!!

@gender-goth ~ your terms and flags are SUPER pretty! I love the regression terms you recently posted a TON!! I also really appreciate your devotion to uplifting the Black community in the LIOMOQAI community! @blkmogai is super important, and I really appreciate seeing the terms that both of the mods (yourself included, of course!) create! Your blog layout is also really interesting, and I like seeing it on my feed!

@jiiamp ~ thank you so, so much for all the support you give our blog! On top of that, thank you for the support you give to so many other blogs! I think the terms you make are epic (my personal fave is Pavlovacharic / Pavlovacookiecharic!!!) We also greatly value your plain text blog @/jimspt where you help to make the LIOMOQAI community more accessible; it's a very important thing, and you being willing to help with the task is really rad of you!

@neopronouns ~ I LOVE LOVE LOVE how many different identities you make! I really love the fact that you have really awesome new stuff coming out often, and I love how often you uplift other creators! Your support for both those who coin and those who hoard and/or ID as these terms is so admirable! I really like how you also have so many terms that are niche, but describe genders or identities that beings have! The thought that goes into everything you make is really rockin to me!

@nomorebrad ~ thank you so much for all of the gender systems you coin and all of the flag templates you make! I love using your flag templates to make flags (and have more I'm using, to come, stay tuned!) Plus, all of your labels are really epic! I especially appreciate how specific your labels often are, as it really helps to put words to experiences for beings who wouldn't have the words, otherwise!

@rabidbatboy ~ you're really pawsome!!! Your coining event is the first I've ever done, if i recall correctly? (I could be wrong!) And I loved it! Your blog and all your terms rock, and i adore what you do for the community!

@radiomogai ~ I really, really, REALLY appreciate all you do for this community. Seriously, it means a lot! You archiving so many terms and labels helps to preserve them and create a more permanent form of history in the LIOMOQAI community, which is so valued by so so many of us. I've loved what you've done since the start of my finding your blog, and we really continue to appreciate it, and will continue to support your blog and archiving everywhere!

[Shoutout to all LIOMOQAI archives who preserve history. You help to cement these identities and happenings for the many more beings to come!]

@rwuffles ~ (i know you're on a hiatus and want to be clear that I respect that, and it is 1000000% valid!!!) I also wanted to just comment about how much I appreciate your blog and value your past terms! (I also love your [x] instead of partner terms AND the really pawsome template that you made!) It also is really kind and awesome how much you boost the terms of other coiners in the community, I really love that you care so much to reblog and promote all of these other blogs! I also appreciate you speaking up and out about human rights on your account, as that is vital!

@squidfreak ~ i really love your terms and the thought behind them; we can always tell that you put a lot of effort into them! The overall layout of your blog is adorbs + you're super rad overall! All my interactions with u have been pawsome :3

@vampitsm ~ your flags are always STUNNING! I also love the vampire theme :3 I really appreciate and admire the representation and terms you give the Black LIOMOQAI community, as well!!!

@xenicfruit ~ you are SUPER sweet and cool and epic!! I love your terms and flags and your blog layout rocks (HOUSE MD EEE). Also, i ADORE the little icon you made for me, and it's literally one of my fave lil things somepony online has made me!!

@xenoseller ~ I know this account hasn't been one you've had for long, but I love all the terms you've created! (I am biased, but I especially love the ones you made for my event ;3!) Your flags are all stunning, and I deeply appreciate the niche identities that your terms help give descriptions & community for!

Final notes:

- you may be saying "chronic, I swear I barely see you interact..." guys (and non-guys)! I swear I mean to, but half the time i have a video playing while I scroll tumblr and I see your cool blogs and terms and forget to interact while I'm scrolling... I see them and go YIPPEE or share them with a friend, but sometimes I forget to like, I apologize!!!

[island-in-the-shadows]

On Felix Catton & Disgust/Desire

I had been waiting for a long while now to write this post. I wanted to do another full re-watch before I got into it because the ideas for this have been sitting in my mind for a long time. This is going to be a long post and, hopefully, not super pretentious. Most of us fans of Saltburn know, to some degree or another, that the core themes of the film revolve around disgust, desire, and obsession. And the biggest entry point to discuss this is the actions of our protagonist, Oliver Quick re the object of his disgust/desire/obsession Felix Catton.

I've written before that I believe that Oliver did know Felix and that Felix was emotionally vulnerable and candid with Oliver. I further stated that we, the audience, are forbidden from knowing the details of this intimacy because Oliver does not want us to truly know Felix. This means that the bits we get of Felix are small and very subtle. It means that we can interpret Felix's core personality, true intent, true desires in a litany of ways. My opinion is, realistically, no more valid than anyone else's. But for today, I wanted to discuss what I view, from the bits that we get, is Felix's relation with the core themes of the film. And, because I saw a truly heinous takes about a different fandom I'm in and I don't want to think about it, my brain said: hey...let's talk about Felix Catton and his disgust and desire.

Pt. 1: "Only rich people can afford to be this filthy."

When Oliver says the above, he and Felix are in Felix's messy and disgusting dorm room at Oxford. When you take a closer look at the room (which I admit was difficult on my first few views because Felix is lit and positioned to take all of your focus), it is a total shit show. There's clothes everywhere, empty containers everywhere, other unidentifiable debris...honestly wouldn't shock me if there was some used condom somewhere. We know from Oliver that, not only does it look like chaos, it smells terrible. However, Felix is unbothered. He is concerned only with the heat which, in this case, is an external force that he cannot control no matter his good looks, his charms, his pedigree, or his money. By what we see, Felix is quite happy and content in the filth. It is only when Oliver points out the filth and points out that Felix won't take care of it, that Felix reacts negatively.

Felix, as we know, is very accustomed to his messes being cleaned up for him. Before we even get to Saltburn it's a safe assumption to make. Prior to college/uni, he would've gone to some posh boarding school or other. I doubt that they were made to clean everything in boarding school (though if any of you know please let me know). We also know that wealthy people tend to have hired staff who clean for them. This is a young man who has never had to clean up his spilled milk and it has never even occurred to him to do it.

However, the important bit to note is not that Felix is messy and that it doesn't occur to him to clean. What's important to note is that the mess simply does not bother him. Just because he is born to extreme wealth and privilege does not mean that he would have to be this way. There's been germaphobe rich people or people who prefer to have a minimalistic space or any number of things. Regardless of wealth, some people are fine with mess and some people require mess to be done away with immediately. Felix is in the former category. He certainly must notice the mess at some point (even if, clearly, he's nosebleed to it) but he is comfortable in his space.

This is also true of his room at Saltburn. We barely see it, I know, but let's take a look at that glossy af pic of it from the Architectural Digest Article...

There is crap EVERYWHERE. The more you look at it the more crap you find. You can't even say that it's perfectly clean either because there's dirty clothes in spots, there's multiple pillows on the ground, there's a random used water glass, there's either toilet paper or paper towels on the night stand, the bed isn't perfectly made, I could go on. Chaos and filth and mess is, technically, Felix's natural habitat. It's the kind of mess that is surrounded by opulence, certainly, but it's still a mess.

Only rich people can afford to be this messy because they can also dictate when and where their staff cleans. Presumably, there are things in Felix's bedroom (perhaps the toilet paper/paper towels which have a...purpose) which he has instructed Duncan to leave alone. Or Elspeth has put terms for how often the maids come in the rooms. It could be framed in a multitude of ways. The point stands that Felix can exist in these chaotic and, even, disgusting spaces because he chooses to be. What his privilege does, then, is afford him absence from judgment.

We see the staff at Saltburn clean up after the party. We see that they quietly replaced a broken mirror before anyone can question the cracks. We never see the staff judge. Do they? Certainly they must, we all have opinions. But do they express their judgement to the masters of the house? No. It's not their place to do so. They are considered staff and therefore their opinions do not come into play for the Cattons nor would they want to hear them. Even Duncan's genuine unease and grief after Felix dies is mostly kept under control. He's not paid to express his emotions or his thoughts, after all.

And why go into all of this? Because Felix is content to live in the mess, to revel in the gross and in some version of the abject. What Felix cannot handle is being confronted with his pleasure. To me, this (along with wanting to separate Oliver from staff when the younger boy starts actively cleaning) is the main reason why he snaps when Oliver points out the disgusting state of the dorm. He does not need or want to know how he fits outside a specific role that he was born to play and, likely, believes he has to play. Even if it didn't occur to him to clean, he could've used his wealth and influence to find someone to clean for him. But he didn't. Because it doesn't bother him. Oliver being bothered and pointing out that Felix is so wealthy that he can live in the filth is what bothers him, instead.

Pt. 2 "Was it? Was it awful?"

I am going to keep this section short, because there have been much better posts about this and I, personally, go back and forth on this all the time. Regardless, Felix having an interest in a made up fantasy of a shitty childhood and what he can, likely, envision as some Dickensian nightmare of a situation falls into his relation to disgust and desire. What Felix knows of true poverty and addiction likely comes from media or exaggerated stories from people who have been in contact with someone who was an addict or something to that extent. His imagination must be running wild with theories. And while I do think that he did have good intentions regarding Oliver when it comes to this, his demeanour also shows an attraction to the grotty aspects of it. Oliver only ever calls him out on this, to a degree, in the maze. Before this, Felix can be interested in what he imagines is the horror of Oliver's childhood but not be caught out as being a tragedy whore or someone with a saviour complex or anything else, because his interest is not being pointed out. Again, he has an interest or desire for mess and chaos as long as it is not pointed out.

Pt. 3 "You're supposed to be here with me."

Let's, briefly, talk about queerness. Let's talk about how Felix has an image to maintain. How he has expectations put upon him. Yes, he has privilege and wealth beyond understanding, but these things often have a tradeoff. Celebrities, for example, have to forfeit a lot of their privacy. Royalty and nobility (regardless of country) often forfeit chunks of their privacy and the possibility of living outside of a script (publicly, at any rate). Felix CANNOT go off script.

He is implied to be the heir to Saltburn and everything that comes with it: money, land, title, expectations. Like in the days of old, it's probably expected of him to produce an heir. It's also expected of him to marry a lady from his class in order to produce said heir. And, back in 2006/7, people were less acceptating of LGBTQ+ people that they are now, and Same-Sex marriage was not a thing in the UK and it wouldn't be for another 7 or so years. So Farleigh, who will inherit nothing and only ever be given scraps, can embrace his queerness; Felix cannot.

Personally, I believe that Felix did have some sort of interest in Oliver. It's not just in the fact that he is possessive of Oliver to the point of disregarding his family. It's in all the Bambi eyed looks that we see Felix give Oliver. You could argue that these are exaggerations from Oliver but then, how do you explain the POV shots we get of Felix looking at Oliver? How they are also romance coded, lustful, pinky and fluffy? There is something there. To what extent there was something is pure conjecture. But, I personally believe that he had some kind of feelings for Oliver but could not express those feelings and, to an extent, found his feelings for Oliver disgusting.

Even if his mother is, in her way, tolerant of queer people, this does not mean that she would be ok with Felix being with a man. I doubt his father, who is in his 60s at the time, would be any happier about it. Again, Felix needs to have an heir and take over Saltburn. So, at most, they would've tolerated that Felix had a "friend" tucked away somewhere that Felix could go to every so often. Queerness is not the desired outcome and so, at some point, Felix would've had to separate any feelings from the matter. And, hypothetically, in boarding school any hand jobs etc. from other boys would be viewed as part of a norm that exists within the realm of "no homo."

So, given he has been emotionally intimate with Oliver and, given that he has felt more for Oliver than he probably thinks he should, he feels disgust as much as he feels desire. He can, and personally I think does, want Oliver, but feels disgusted by his feelings and has a strong desire to keep them channeled in the "appropriate" way. Just the same, he gets jealous and he does not want to share. He cannot abide by Oliver being free to pursue another partner (guarantee he would be equally as incensed if he had found out about Farleigh and it probably would've slightly registered had Oliver actually slept with Indabel). It's specifically a slap in the face that it's Venetia who has done this kind of thing before and who is allowed to be physical with these friends of Felix's with whom Felix does not feel he could or should be physically intimate. Thus, the possession and the jealousy and the spurned wife behaviour of it all.

Pt. 4 "You make my fucking blood run cold."

Bref, I think Felix had good intentions but poor thinking skills when he wanted to take Oliver to his parents' house. Multiple posts have discussed this bit and I do think he wanted to further trauma bond with Oliver the way they further trauma bonded when Oliver's dad "died", afterwards, per the script, they were "closer than ever." And then they had that intimate moment on the bridge and spent some time there completely alone instead of being at a giant party. I think he thought that the experience would bring them closer and that he would be there to, in his way, protect Oliver. And I still think this plays in to all the little ways in which Felix desires disgust and is disgusted by his desires. But he does it anyway.

The betrayal of trust and intimacy that follows has to feel like a bomb has gone off in Felix's mind. But what's worse for him, again this is solely my opinion, is that he still desires Oliver regardless. It might not have fully formed in his head and he then dulled it with drugs and alcohol and with his shoddy attempt at fucking Indabel in the maze, but possibly the inkling of why Oliver lied the way he did had entered his brain. Oliver already tried to explain. Told Felix in the hallway when they got back that he wanted to be Felix's friend. And Felix likely relived his entire relationship with Oliver including what Oliver just told him. And, to me, Felix was not entirely opposed to it. He didn't immediately kick out Oliver or cause too much of a fuss. He wanted space. He wanted to not think about it for a while. But Oliver forced his hand.

Again, here we have a Felix who is disgusted by his desire. A Felix who, deep down, knows that he likes that Oliver lied. That he likes that Oliver desires him so much that he would do anything for him. Likes that, despite NEVER wanting anyone to know the most debauched parts of him, Oliver is close to knowing all of his darkest parts and loving him for them just the same. But a Felix who, nonetheless, does not allow himself to revel in the filth once it's pointed out.

And Oliver points it out. In a big way. "Everyone puts on a show for Felix! [...] doesn't this just prove how much of a good friend I actually am? How well I actually know you!" He does know him. Felix knows this. Felix CANNOT go off script. Felix cannot acknowledge his love for things that are disgusting or less than savoury. So too he cannot allow them or acknowledge them here. And then we have something in the script vs. how Jacob actually looked that's what inspired me to write this overly long post in the first fucking place.

This is not the exact beat. Because this is after Felix says his line about his blood running cold. The vibe is the same, though. Regardless...is THAT the fact of disgust? Because to me, that is not disgust. That is some form of desire that most mortals will never experience. But then...it also IS disgust. Because the two are intertwined for him. Because he desires because of the disgust at the situation and at the lengths of debasement Oliver will go to to please him. He is a boy who loves mess and chaos and who makes his home there. And, to whatever extent, his heart could've made a home in the mess and chaos and filth that Oliver brought to the table. Even if Felix has to be disgusted at his desires and prevent them. Even if Oliver took any option or opportunity away from Felix.

Oliver makes his blood run cold, but Felix never said that was a bad thing. And it isn't. Just as Oliver revels in the filth of bodies and their fluids and the inferred possession that comes with them, so too Felix revels in the filth of places and things he shouldn't want and things he can only truly savour in the shadows where no one points them out.

TL;DR Felix is as much of a freak as Oliver is, though in a different way. He is shown to be comfortable and even like messy and gross things but, he only does so when it's not pointed out. He can be, to a point, physically close and emotionally intimate with Oliver and, even partially overlook a betrayal of this intimacy, but only if it's never pointed out. Only if it doesn't break with the expectations and social script on which he has been raised and to which he has to stick. He serves to demonstrate the relationship with disgust and desire as much as Oliver does, but his relation is more subtle and harder to see. And maybe, just maybe, given time, he would've at least bent the script.

--------------------------------------0--------------------------------------

Super sorry for how long this is, I just needed to get it out! Thanks to @ollieapologist for being my biggest cheerleader about this post. Sorry if this is incoherent!

[mumms-the-word]

Shadow Curse Events Pt. 1

Ketheric, Selûne, Shar, and Aylin

I’ve played through the game a few times at this point and I always find myself struggling to understand the timeline or at least order of events that occurred with the Shadow Curse. I know some things conflict because there was one version of the story in Early Access (the version where Halsin accidentally killed Isobel) and it was heavily altered for the final version of the game, and some things just got *gestures vaguely* waved away, but I keep wanting to make sense of it anyway.

So that’s what this post (edit: I mean series) is going to do. After the cut, obviously. Long deep dive post ahead! Picture of a tired Ketheric for attention and because same bro c':

TLDR: These events happen either in the 1370s or the 1390s. Ketheric loses Melodia (his wife) and Isobel (his daughter) and turns to Shar. He captures Aylin, then builds a Big Dark Justiciar Army, training them and forcing them to kill Aylin over and over. Meanwhile, a Selûnite resistance is brewing in the town, and it's kind of making everything worse. One Selûnite rebel even goes so far as to make a deal with a devil. And all of that is BEFORE the Harpers and druids arrive as an army.

We don’t have dates, unfortunately, aside from knowing that the shadow curse itself was unleashed about a century ago, so “timeline” would be a loose term to use if/when I use it. But I have two theories about when it happened.

One theory is that because the Spellplague was happening between 1385-1395 DR (during which there was neither a true Weave nor a Shadow Weave, which is what the shadow curse is made of), the shadow curse likely started around 1396-1399, just shy of a full 100 years before the game’s events in 1492. But that’s just me conjecturing based on the idea that if the Shadow Weave is gone…how does the shadow curse stick around? 

The other theory is that the shadow curse was unleashed sometime between 1371 and 1374. This is because a) Dark Justiciars were still being sent by Ketheric Thorm to destroy Moonhaven (the Blighted Village) in 1371 (Ketheric writes a letter about attacking Moonhave and a journal dated 1371 boasts that Ilyn Toth, the basement apothecary-necromancer dude, got killed by Dark Justiciars) and b) because Khelben Arunsun himself, the literal Blackstaff (super powerful and very old wizard), wrote a letter negotiating surrender on behalf of the Harpers.

We cannot be party to the suffering of the people of Reithwin, and indeed, of the great loss of life that this war will visit upon the Sword Coast - and, perhaps, beyond it. So it is written, and so let it be done, Khelben Arunsun, on behalf of the High Harper Council and its allies.

Wiki says Khelben broke his alliance with the Harpers in 1370 due to some disagreements, but it’s possible his splinter faction was at the battlefield with the other Harpers. I doubt he was there personally, but who knows. I wouldn’t go any earlier than 1371, though, because Baldur’s Gate II happens in 1369, and Jaheira would have been too busy dealing with those events to deal with Ketheric too. But it can’t be later than 1374,  because Khelben Arunsun dies in 1374.

(I have questions about how the shadow curse survived the Spellplague and the loss of the Shadow Weave, but the answer to that could simply be All Magic Was Weird and Unstable at the time…plus Thaniel was already in the Shadowfell by this time, so the land couldn't heal.)

So it’s either 1371-1374 (because of the Khelben timeline, and I guess the Spellplague didn’t affect it) or it’s 1396-1399 (because of the Spellplague, but the writers just forgot Khelben was dead by that point, or maybe his ghost wrote the surrender notice idk). Both are good enough for Halsin and Jaheira to talk about things happening “a century ago,” but you can see why I’m avoiding dates.

But let’s push it back a few more decades. Back when Ketheric was a Selûnite and Isobel a very small child.

As we’re probably all well aware, during this time, Ketheric worships Selûne along with his wife, Melodia. At some point, he even commissions the local Mason’s Guild to build Moonrise as a testament to Selûne herself, according to Morfred the mason (who you can talk to in House of Hope, it’s pretty cool). Ketheric and Melodia have Isobel, but then Melodia dies while Isobel is still pretty young. Ketheric remains a Selûnite, mostly for Isobel’s sake, until she dies too.

Ketheric: I’ll tell you a story, True Soul. About a man who sold himself piece by piece. He had…everything. A wonderful wife. A brilliant daughter. They lived not far from here. His wife died too young. Grief tore through their home like a thief, snatching away the scent of her hair, the rustle of her skirts. But the man did not break. He could not break. His daughter needed him whole, after all. She grew up—grew strong. Challenged him. Filled his heart with such joy it supplanted all sorrow. When she was killed, the man…he tried to remain whole, but it wasn’t possible. Do you understand? Player: So the man fell to pieces. Ketheric: The pain was unbearable. All-consuming. He decided he’d do anything for reprieve. First, he sold himself to the goddess of loss. But the pain did not subside, no matter his obscene feats of devotion. Then a new god came—a god who promised the man something wonderful: his daughter. Her life returned. Imagine it. He would have to give everything: his body and soul entire. He did not hesitate. Not for a moment.

We know this story. Ketheric turns to Shar and everything goes Very, Very Badly. But the exact details/order of Ketheric's Sharran days are a little hazy. So here's what I've been able to piece together to sate my own curiosity.

While Ketheric is still a faithful (but waning) Selûnite, Dame Aylin visits as an emissary of Selûne. Moonrise/Reithwin is a Selûnite refuge and the Thorms are allegedly devout favorites of the moon goddess, so it's a big deal. While she's there, she and Isobel fall in love. Ketheric disapproves, in part because Aylin is immortal and Isobel is not (Isobel and Aylin both say this in dialogue).

Plus, and this is a personal opinion, I think Ketheric might have seen Aylin's interest in Isobel as another thing Selûne was trying to take from him. It isn't enough that Selûne let Melodia die, now her daughter is trying to woo his daughter and take her too.

But then Isobel dies. Somehow. The launch version of the game isn’t clear how. Aylin mourns but Ketheric spirals. He turns to Shar, hoping she will force him to forget about Isobel, but he doesn't. Nevertheless, he becomes a zealous Sharran.

[A journal spanning years, beginning with the birth of a child and ending with what appears to be a series of dateless tragedies.] How can she be gone? Where did she go? The Moonmaiden cannot be so unfeeling - so cruel. Not toward her most devoted servant. Not after Melodia. It makes no sense. It makes no sense. I won't survive it. That much I know. Forgetting is the only possibility. The embrace of oblivion. The reprieve of nothingness. It would not be possible for a man to survive knowing what he knows. Knowing what can be lost. Shar understands that. Hers is the only mercy I can comprehend. My mind is full of holes - yet not enough. The emptiness. The time. The nothingness. And still I remember. Still I remember it all. There is no mercy in this beating heart. There is no mercy in life at all.

He builds the Gauntlet of Shar (or maybe renovates and Shar-ifies it, maybe it was already there) beneath the Thorm mausoleum, connecting it to the much more ancient Grymforge area. Grymforge becomes a kind of base or stronghold for the Justiciar army while the Gauntlet is designed to test their mettle and prepare them for the task that will make them official Dark Justiciars—killing Aylin, though it's not clear when Ketheric and Balthazar lure her into the Shadowfell.

I'll get back to that later.

We know that Grymforge was used as a Dark Justiciar stronghold and possible training ground because of all the Sharran stuff we find there. It's like super obvious. The feasthall room, the dormitories, the weapons that lay everywhere. There's basically a whole Sharran city in the Underdark beneath and near Reithwin, some of which we can see from various points in Grymforge. In fact, if you go through the poisoned room where Nere is, you can see the Gauntlet down below.

(It's a little hard to see here 'cause I play on console but there's a glimpse of the giant Shar statue that takes up a ton of space in the Gauntlet. Somehow, the two places used to connect.)

Ketheric's new Sharran teachings are ruthless and vicious. He encourages his Dark Justiciars to kill a Selûnite once a tenday or more as part of their training and service to the Lady of Loss.

The Law of Nightfall: From the moon falls the foulest of lights. iIt peeks through cracks and fissures, illuminating the most remote recesses of the Underdark. Light bestows hope, a pernicious notion which must be extinguished. At the darkest hour, pray to your Lady and feast in Her honour. The second day after, slay a disciple of Selûne. If none may be found, a Lathanderian or Mystran are an acceptable offering. Do this once a tenday, and the Lady of Loss shall know you.

Reithwin and the surrounding village soon become a hunting ground. Most people convert. Those who don't get hung in the square as examples (according to a shadow memory). All faithful Selûnites are forced to practice their devotion to the Moonmaiden in secret, led by Morfred the mason and his brother Halfred the innkeeper of Last Light Inn. Halfred hides Selûnite relics beneath Last Light (you can still find them) while Morfred plots a true resistance.

[Hidden amidst columns detailing the income and expenditure of a tavern is an aside, written in tiny, urgent handwriting.] I have concealed the sacred relics of our revered goddess in the darkest corner of this place. Morfred, my loyal brother, seeks to forge a network of allies to stand against the oppressive reign of Ketheric Thorm. Sadly, fear has gripped the hearts of many, turning them away from our cause. I cannot truly blame them, for trepidation fills my soul as well - but I must put aside my own fears and reunite with Morfred in the bowels of the Mason's Guild. Together, we shall preserve what we can of the Moonmaiden's light, and hope that the banners of the faithful soon rise against that treacherous dog, Thorm.

But as time goes on, Morfred grows increasingly distressed with the events happening in Reithwin and the ease with which people are eager to switch faiths.

- How quickly things change. The Thorms are Selûnite through and through - or so I believed. Perhaps Ketheric only converted for Melodia, and with her death - and then his daughter's - his faith died too. But to turn to Shar? It beggars belief. - Ketheric's Justiciars are growing greater in number, and more determined to rout out any traces of Selûne in Reithwin. Why do they think this town was built? One cannot rip out the foundations of a building and expect it to remain standing. - Brother and I remain the last two bastions of Our Lady of Silver in the town. A few - the trusting few - come to worship in secret by moonlit nights. Others - converts, all. Whether they truly believe, I cannot say. Impossible, isn't it?

(Don't worry, the second page is further down lol spoilers!)

Life is not going well in Reithwin, even if you're not a Selûnite. Ketheric is determined to destroy all traces of Selûne and treason of any kind. His Dark Justiciars begin tormenting citizens to reveal pockets of Selûnite resistance. He also suffers no treasonous word against him, even if the citizens in question aren't Selûnite. We see a glimpse of this and of the Justiciars' cruel influence during the questline with He Who Was and Madeline, who ratted out her friends' innocent(?) complaints about Ketheric to some Justiciars, resulting in their brutal deaths.

Eventually Morfred realizes that the Dark Justiciars are too powerful to resist and turns to Raphael, offering his soul in exchange for something to destroy the Dark Justiciar army.

- Sick of standing idle while Justiciars gain power in our humble town. What will become of us if we allow it? I met a man who was no man. Touched by a devil. Or maybe worse. But he offered me something I couldn't refuse - help. - The time is now. Ketheric's Justiciars, their stronghold in the temple below - they will be wiped out. All of them. I didn't ask how. I just want them gone. Let the Harpers have at Ketheric now. They'll make short work of him.

You can ask Morfred about this in the House of Hope, actually, where he confirms the details. I mean, he's in Raphael's house, so it's pretty obvious the he did, in fact, make a deal with him.

Infernal Mason: When tragedy came, my master fell into darkness and despair. He marshalled a great army to ruin the world and bring all into shadow. I could not let it happen. I sought out the devil Raphael and signed an infernal pact with him. He promised to destroy my master’s army, and I promised him my soul in return. The devil was true to his word. Fiends slaughtered my master’s forces, but he endured somehow, and blighted the land.

The Fiend in question here is Yurgir, who ends up crashing through Grymforge and the Gauntlet to kill all Dark Justiciars in his path. (He misses one, because Raphael is a sneaky bastard who let one get away by turning him into a swarm of rats, but I digress.) We know Yurgir caused the destruction in Grymforge, too, because of the Merregon masks and hellbeasts we find around the area, and the fact that if you pass all the checks with the Duergar mason examining the stone, he helps you piece together this narrative:

Stonemason Kith: An ancient city, hewn from the stone by the disciples of Shar, later abandoned. Untold centuries later, a new tribe revives it. Fresh walls, fresh sculptures...until a great hellbeast charges through, toppling the walls and crushing the people! Heh - that explains the infernal plate I found. Perhaps you might have use of it.

Further proof that Grymforge and the Gauntlet were once connected...somehow.

Anyway, by the time Yurgir is called in, Morfred's already been found out. Thisobald overhears him drunkenly complaining about Ketheric in the Waning Moon and informs Ketheric of his treachery. Ketheric orders a raid on the mason's guild, leaving Halfred the lone source of Selûnite resistance. It's unknown what becomes of Halfred, but considering the fact that the inn was still taking guests (like Art Cullagh) and housing the Harpers right before the shadow curse descended (there's a shadow memory of a Harper toasting his comrades in Last Light right before the battle with Ketheric long ago), it's likely he's a victim of the curse and not Justiciar brutality.

I’m not sure which is worse, honestly.

It's unclear when Morfred dies, though he admits to witnessing the first part of the shadow curse (i.e., "...but he endured somehow, and blighted the land"). But Morfred's deal coincides in some ways with the arrival of the Harpers and druids. I think he probably makes the deal with Raphael before the Harpers officially march against Ketheric and then gets caught after he hears rumors of the Harpers.

Raphael makes good on his deal around the same the Harpers arrive, perhaps a little afterward. This means Yurgir's slaughter of Justiciars in the Underdark must happen concurrently with the battle happening topside between Ketheric's army and the Harpers/druids, meaning Ketheric is losing his army on two fronts at the same time. Victory seems assured for the Harpers and druids, but of course we know now that Ketheric had a way of cheating death already in place.

He had already imprisoned the Nightsong in a Shadowfell soul cage.

Again, we’re not sure exactly when this happens, but it’s after Isobel dies and before the shadow curse, which unleashes with Ketheric’s supposed death in the battle against the Harpers and druids. However, Aylin herself says that Ketheric and Balthazar lured her into the Shadowfell under the pretense of saving an innocent.

Dame Aylin: He and his loathsome advisor Balthazar lured me into the Shadowfell, claimed they'd found someone in need of my aid. There they trapped me in their infernal cage. I was killed, murdered, made dead, over and over and over by Justiciars of every make and kind. I was reborn, for it is my nature. And Ketheric fed upon my immortality all the while.

This makes me think that Aylin wasn’t aware of Ketheric’s conversion yet, so it must have been very soon after, because otherwise, why would she trust a known Sharran telling her to enter the Shadowfell, the realm that is entirely under Shar’s control? I also suspect Ketheric built (or renovated) the Gauntlet around Aylin after her capture, perhaps at the behest of Shar due to their collaboration in making up new Justiciar teachings, or perhaps out of a sick, vengeful desire to see Aylin tormented for daring to love his daughter.

If this is true, then there’s a very real chance that Ketheric was unkillable before he truly started to torment Reithwin town, and well before the Harpers stepped in to take him down.

Anyway we at least know that Ketheric trapped Aylin in the Shadowfell before the big battle against the Harpers because a) both Isobel and Aylin talk about her being there for a century and b) because Ketheric is already using her invulnerability to survive assassination attempts on his life prior to or during the actual battle against him and his army:

23 Elient The Harpers came too close - they poisoned Father Ketheric himself, yet he professes no ill effects. Malus insists it a fluke. Doctor he may be, but he is no less a fool for it: Father has achieved that of which I can only dream: immortality. I have long suspected. I can guess Father's purpose, but I cannot fathom the means.

This brings us to the eve of the battle itself. But this post is already hella long, so keep an eye out for part 2, all about the Harper and druid battle against Ketheric!

[helpimstuckposting]

TMAGP 30 Speculation

Now that it’s season finale time, I’ve got a LOT to say and a lot of ideas so I will ramble them here and either I’m horribly wrong or horribly right but unfortunately we have to wait to find that out

First, I can’t believe Alice had two mysterious talks with her friends saying they have something super important to say with a horrified quiver to their voices and she didn’t have time to listen to EITHER of them. Teddy and Colin are high high high on the list for ‘died off mic and we only find out next season’

Since Gwen was promoted (idiot) and Sam is… mmm… missing, it looks like the OIAR will need to fill at least one position, and I think it would be fun if Teddy came back to take his place as a main character. It’s possible that what he had to say was “This new job… it’s not exactly [working out]” and he was simply looking for a new one, and it’s no more ominous than that. If that’s the case, I can absolutely see him taking his position back next season. Colin’s probably dead, though, I’ll be shocked if he’s not tbh

Speaking of Colin, he called the system Freddy while talking to Alice. You know, the same guy that said “Don’t give it a personality. We shouldn’t even be calling it Freddy.” So the change up here is really blatant to me.

I’m still really attached to the idea that Jon and Martin (and Jonah’s) voices were stolen and they’re not actually trapped in the computers. However, I *do* think the voices are sentient, I just don’t think we’re right about who’s behind them. I think Freddy, the program itself, may be using the voices to push its own agenda and manipulate the decisions each OIAR employee is making. Alice gets a lot of JMJ errors, and is specifically the only person on staff who actively tunes the cases out and does not read into them.

OR, if it does turn out to be our guys, then I think it’s possible they’re working counter productively to Freddy, and the JMJ errors are a result of that — like they’re actively trying to work against Freddy. This could also be why Colin said he messed up, like maybe his attempts to deal with the JMJ errors made Freddy more powerful.

Either way, it seems the OIAR is in a huge bind going into season two. Colin probably did something buck wild and pissed the computer off, he’s probably dead, Sam is missing and they’ll need a new hire, Lena is gone (the only person who presumably knew anything that was going on) and Gwen just got promoted to boss despite having 1) absolutely no idea what’s going on with anything at all, 2) an inability to handle the externals and several panic attacks, and 3) no clue what Lena’s job even was, with no direction from the man who promoted her. It seems like even the PM has no real clue what the OIAR does, how it functions, or who it employs (“I’m sorry, do you hire a lot of murderers for contract and consultancy work?” - the answer is Yes, actually, several!)

Picturing the team next season as Alice, Teddy, Celia, and their boss Gwen is… a comedy of errors (or comedy of [ERROR]s? … Sorry) like that absolutely cannot go well. Although, we are pretty used to people being hired as a boss while they have no qualifications of the sort (also did not go well)

As for Sam, the Archivist, and Hilltop Road, I have a few questions about what could possibly happen. First, if the crack in reality was specifically calling for and tugging Celia toward it, we can probably assume that it’s the TMA universe on the other side, right? Which means Sam and the Archivist are now in our original beloved universe. I’m curious to see if Sam is just going to be MIA for the entirety of season two, or if we’ll get tape recordings of him at the same time as our TMagP friends, and we’ll have updates between both universes. I could see that being very interesting if some voice actors appear as two different people in the same episode (their TMA part, and their TMagP counterpart) but that would probably be really complicated to pull off in an audio format.

Also, we know the TMA fears cannot be separated, and that they’re possibly just one entity and have been one entity the whole time. That’s why they couldn’t start the apocalypse without all of them participating, and that’s why when Annabelle opened the crack in reality they all left the TMA universe. “Any attempt to separate the fears is doomed,” is what she said. She also said, “I would either travel with them, or I would die. I do not know which... Most would simply lose whatever power they have been gifted.”

So, if an archivist travels back through the crack in reality, what would happen to them? They’d be cut off from the entity that gave them power, right? So either the archivist will die, or maybe we’ll find out who Beth Eyre (the voice of [ERROR])’s character really is? Who they were before they became an archivist?

I don’t think they’d introduce [ERROR] and then just get rid of them without any resolution, which leads me to believe we will eventually find out what happened to Sam. I don’t think Sam’s just going to be dead or missing and never come back, I don’t see how there’d be any point to that. He is still the only person we know of who’s survived telling their whole statement, and even though he had a headache I feel like that must be significant. The janitor turned into a rock, I really don’t think a normal person would just walk away with a headache. Like, for all intents and purposes, Sam probably should have had his skin ripped off if we’re following the pattern of [ERROR] related deaths.

I hope next season focuses on Hilltop Road, because the lore in this episode was amazing. First of all, it was hard not to notice how each shop had a different danger. The custodian mentioned the drunk man walking into the newsagent and then he “ignored the smell of burnt hair and charred meat”. Then there was the shop that turned a woman into a mannequin, and Sam and Celia walked past the appliance shop where doors kept opening and closing, and the dentist that wanted peoples teeth. There was also the antique shop from episode 7 that almost buried the manager alive, plus the institute also used one of the units. I could be reading too much into it, but it feels like each fear from TMA has uhhhh… set up shop?

It’s also interesting to me that Annabelle said every owner on Hilltop Road in TMA was marked by the Spider, and died a grizzly death.

“So many schemers and spiders and full-throated monsters. Twisting manipulators and furtive liars. Each meeting a violent, grotesque end.” (TMA 196)

And the owner of Hilltop Center was no different.

“I found the owner dead in his office, with every blood vessel stripped from his body and strung around the room in a grim cat’s cradle.”

Not only did he die a violent and mysterious death, but his blood vessels were strung up ‘in a cats cradle’, which is pretty web-like if you ask me.

Anyway, I’m really really hoping to learn more about Hilltop Center next season, that’s the ONE thing I’m super latched on to post-finale

[dawhat]

Your flowey headcanons. Hand em over 💥💥💥

Thanks for the ask, dear mutual!! Flowey is my co-favorite character (tied with Frisk), so I have a lot to say about him. He’s definitely been talked about a lot, but I like to think that I have some unique-ish ideas.

1. A lot of people reference the librarby monster biology books and Flowey’s own comments to prove that he cannot feel love, or even happiness. By now I think we all know that this is not the case, but I believe there was something interesting going on with Flowey and those books. There’s something so tragic about Flowey potentially rereading those books—that are ostensibly monster propaganda, ironically—over and over again and internalizing their words so deeply that he convinces himself he can’t love. Of course, a great deal of this idea likely comes from a combination of his grief, Chara’s pessimism that he adopted, and (of course) the trauma that developed as a result of dying. However, despite whatever physical component he lost when his soul shattered, I still believe him to be capable of love (not as easily as before, but still possible).

2. Flowey is very cat-like. He has a mischievous spirit. He knocks things off tables near his pot. He has fangs. He wraps himself around people he likes (Frisk mostly). Sometimes he even purrs. No reason in particular for this I just think it’s cute and he fits the bill lol.

3. Some people have said this makes the ending less satisfying, but I like to think that Flowey has the potential to start growing/aging after the final fight. This might be a more common headcanon than I’m imagining (not sure tbh), but for a while I’ve believed that Flowey somehow reconnected to his parents’ souls during the Hyperdeath battle while they were absorbed. This means two things: 1) Flowey can start sapping magic from his parents again, beginning the aging process that was severed at his death 2) his parents will start losing magic, aging and eventually dying at some point in the who-knows-when future. One thing that the boss monster aging process DOESNT affect, however, is Flowey’s altered ability to feel certain emotions. He will mature and age normally now, but as I mentioned earlier, his condition (for a lack of a better word) is something much deeper than monster magic. Simply rebuilding his soul and thinking that he’d be completely fine (I’m looking at you “SAVED Asriel” trope) is like slapping a bandaid on a bullet wound, it won’t instantly “heal” his trauma or make it easier to love. Also, if this means that he regrows a body and what that would even look like is something I haven’t been able to decide lol. I do think that, post pacifist, Flowey is in a wonderful position to not only start growing up, but also begin the recovery process. He’s surrounded by patient and caring people, and there are two folks in particular who would support his growth no matter how poorly he may treat them. Having a “normal” childhood is really a forgone conclusion at this point, but he can certainly make do with what he has. And what he has is enough.

Aaaaaanyway thanks again for the ask!!! Flowey is such an interesting character he deserves a warm cozy blanket with a glass of milk and simultaneously to be crushed into a fine powder. I love him like a son and wish him the worst.

[applestorms]

actually. @moonlarked you wanted someone to talk about near & light as parallels? cuz uh...

ok SO, my big hot take on near is something like this: one of the most common criticisms i see about near is that he is simply too apathetic/bored/uncaring/etc, and that because he is not as emotionally invested as L, his win against light doesn't feel nearly (lol) as satisfying as it could've been. this is a view that often frustrates me, but for a very particular reason— namely, while i think it is somewhat accurate in content, i think it misses a lot of important context (and also misses a lot of the importance of light's character arc, but we'll get to that much later).

one of the most important things to remember about the wammy's kids is that, whether they like it or not, each and every one of them is defined almost entirely through their relationship to L. this is perhaps more obvious in the case of characters like BB and mello, who are very Aware of this shadow being cast upon them and react in very overt, emotional ways (e.g. becoming a literal serial killer out of seemingly pure spite & desire to be noticed, idolizing him but in a very emotionally complicated, kinda detached sorta way, etc), but it is true for Every wammy's kid, purely because of how the house itself functions. these kids are being raised to be L's successor— the greatest (and second greatest, and third greatest) detective on the planet. this is the ultimate goal hanging over every one of their heads, and it places a constant pressure on every kid there.

oftentimes, i think (perhaps both out of story and in it, as well?) people get so caught up in comparing near to L that they forget he also falls under this umbrella— only, for near, his position is slightly different because he actually somewhat succeeds at the task? like, yeah, L never gets the chance to officially call near his successor, but between the fact that he's constantly called the #1 kid at wammy's and that he. literally does actually end up becoming the new L after kira, i think it's always been pretty clear what his path was going to be.

going back to my starting point, this is one of the main ways that near makes a really good parallel to light in my mind, specifically the light that we see right at the start of the series. in both cases, near and pre-DN light, we see a kid who has succeeded at everything they've been handed, and more notably, we see a kid who is bored out of his fucking mind looking at the prospects of what he's got.

in the case of light, this is maybe a little more realistic/easy to understand— light does well in academics, he does well in sports, he does well with people. he is likely to follow in his father's footsteps with something criminal justice/police/law related, but even if he diverges from that path it likely won't be too big of a deal, as he has shown himself to be capable in enough areas that he's likely to succeed no matter what. by all measurable standards, light's doing pretty good at the start of the series. and yet— there is something so distinctly and inherently Bland about his life before he gets the DN. i've said before that light wouldn't call the DN a curse even if he wanted to, but i think in that moment when he's telling ryuk he disagrees w/ his father after visiting him in the hospital, when he says, "I've never once considered finding that notebook and gaining this power a misfortune. In fact, it's made me happier than I've ever been." (ch.22) he's still getting at something real and truthful.

again, going back to my equating of boredom with depression in this series— light's life is pretty good by all measurable standards. he has a family who loves him, presumably more than enough money to get by with a pretty cushy lifestyle, and does well, honestly better than well, in every single system he is presented with. but even so, he's still unhappy. there is something in his soul that has not yet been satisfied. he's bored of the world, bored of his place in it, how easy it all is. what the DN really offers him is a challenge, entertainment— just the same as L, and just the same as ryuk.

near similarly suffers from this kind of boredom, though it is perhaps less overtly stated than in the case of light, L, and ryuk, and less easy to catch as it is not as realistic/common. again: near basically ends up the winner of wammy's house. he is the one to take the title of L, he's declared the smartest, bestest kid at wammy's, and he gets all the power and privilege that comes with such a title. but still— he's so. fucking. bored. much to the embarrassment of mello, this shit was never really a challenge to him. it's pretty obvious that near isn't really even all that attached to the title of L— don't forget that his first real introduction to the story involves him explicitly saying that he'd be just fine working with mello as essentially co-L successors. and this is a viewpoint that he holds onto until the very end of the series, actually, claiming that he was only able to best light due to mello's sacrifice. near doesn't really give a fuck about the rat race he's been slotted into, though it's perhaps for that exact reason that he ends up winning it anyway, and getting all the responsibility that comes along.

that being said, i think there are still two main differences between light and near:

light fucks up.

near never gets past his boredom.

in the case of this first point, i do not mean to say that near never ever makes any move/judgement that could be considered a mistake— mello killing the entire SPK is the first thing that comes to mind, which i see as blood on near's hands for the same reason that L takes at least some responsibility for lind l. tailor. rather, i mean that near never makes a such a monumental fuck-up that he has to overturn his entire worldview just to account for it in the same way that light does when he accidentally kills two people w/ the DN the first time.

it's like, if you've ever known (or been) the kind of kid who always got perfect grades in school, straights A's for K-12, only to reach college and suddenly bomb their first test and have an existential crisis as their only real achievement in life is crushed into dust, then you know light yagami. only for light, it's on a whole 'nother scale, because not only does he fucking oopsie daisy kill two people, but he kills in such a context that he can mentally manipulate it back into seeming heroic. i hate to say that suffering causes character development because that's terrible advice (it's how you react to terrible circumstances that matters, imho) but to some degree, yeah, having conflicts/hard times in life is just necessary to figure shit out sometimes. near (and L, oh goddd i need to write about L properly sometime) has so many things smoothed over and handed to him, and on top of that, he's a super genius very rarely fucks anything up, at least according to base logic. he doesn't even really consider the morality of anything he's doing until light straight up asks him in a desperate bid to keep talking at the end, it's all just logic and factors to consider.

this all leads to my second point, which is that near never really gets the chance to overcome his boredom in the same way as the others. ryuk at least gets his entertainment for a couple years, and light and L (and mello) get so invested in each other and their game that it literally kills them, but near just kinda. keeps going. he keeps being L, he keeps solving cases, he does the duty he was given and enjoys his toys... and that's it. he lies around, the only one left to live, never even taking credit for the end of KIRA, never gets another haircut, and keeps the title going. what a life, for a kid who dragged a god back down to earth.

sidenote1: toys

am i reading too into things? maybe. near's toys hold a lot of significance throughout the story in more specific ways, most notably the finger puppets he uses at the very end of the story while tracking different people's/kira's actions, though you could probably read some kind of meaning into every toy he has and the ways in which he plays with them. what i want to look at here though is more the general reasoning behind playing with them in the first place— a desire for a childhood he didn't get to have? a love of games more generally? (could track with him seeing the KIRA case, or really all detective work, as just another game.) you could also read into his toys as another source for near's apathy/detachment from reality, literally breaking every notable person around him down into a doll by the end of the story, speaking a lot to how alienated he is from the world (again, very similar to both L and light, there). i don't have much more of a point to make here, just wanted to add this in somewhere since it's one of his most striking visual character traits.

sidenote2: light's arc

going back to my point at the start of this post... light's character arc.

uhh. near winning is a good thing, actually. and i don't just mean that as a moral claim— DN itself as a story isn't really concerned with trying to answer any moral questions about good or evil or the justice system, so it makes sense & is fair to me that it doesn't try all that hard to answer anything along those lines by the very end of the story. what i mean to say here is that near winning is a good thing on the level of the character arc, specifically as an end to light's arc.

i made a post a while back while mid-manga reread talking through some of the reasons why L's death can feel kind of unsatisfying/paint the second half of the story in a less interesting light (hah) for a lot of viewers, with the main point i ended up on being that L wasn't really able to win because he never really had all that clear of a win state in the first place. i still kiiind of agree with this point, though i think there's a lot more i could add to that post... anyways. point is, i bring up that post because it touches on a similar thing to what i want to talk about here: light's character arc being a tragedy.

this is more speculation on my part, but i think another part of the reason why people get turned off to DN post-L death is not just the fact that L isn't really a playable character in the game anymore, but the fact that light's character arc takes such a dramatic twist after the timeskip. i talked about this a little bit in my little ramble on light & titles (which a lot of you liked, apparently!! ty for all the lovely comments on there, i love reading what you guys have to say ^w^), but light's character arc in DN is a tragedy to me, full-stop.

tragedies to me are cyclical— revolutionary, if you will. since all stories necessitate some kind of something to take place, a tragedy to me is all about a character beginning in one point, then continually getting hit by Event, after Thing, after Event, only to end up in essentially the exact same place that they started. any character changes or development that seem to happen throughout the story are ultimately nullified by the end— the main subject does not truly grow, does not truly reflect on their actions or traumas, does not move on. two steps forward is two steps back. even ending up in a position worse than they started is sometimes better than a true tragedy, in my mind, as at least then there is some chance they may still reflect or change or grow in the future, leaving the hope that they may still overcome this new circumstance later on. a true tragedy ends in nothing meaningful ever getting the chance to truly change, at least in the case of the main subject of the story.

light's character arc in the first half of the story is an upward, underdog kind of story. yes, light has the power of a shinigami, of a supernatural force that the rest of the world doesn't even know exists— but part of the real appeal of his conflict with L is how powerful L feels in comparison, having the wealth and respect and title to command a world's worth of forces against him. fuck, even taking down naomi misora feels like an incredible hurdle overcome, a teenager managing to charm and yap and flutter his eyelashes out of a shitty situation he was only just lucky enough to stumble across in the first place, to stop someone who could've ruined his entire plan with a few words. killing L was always going to be light's greatest accomplishment when it comes to his rise to godhood, not only because of L's great power but the comparative position of light at the time that he did so— not yet an adult, not even really out of school, perhaps barely out of his parents' house.

in contrast, light's arc for the second half of the story is a downward spiral. we see all of the consequences light has been miraculously avoiding smack into him like meteors in this half, his ever-growing ego torn to shreds as he's yanked back down to earth. and in comparison to the anime, the manga really beats this point into you, dedicating the entire second half of the story to light's fall from grace as he loses his mind and loses his humanity. like, while i do kind of prefer the manga ending to the anime, i have to admit that light's death there is fucking brutal. light goes through pages, chapters, purely dedicated to near tearing him a new asshole, only end the story bloody and delirious and crawling on his knees begging a god of death to fix everything— all just to die the exact same death as everyone else he's killed. i mean, look at these fucking pages (ch.107):

(that last fucking picture of him. clawing at the sky. it always fucking gets to me.)

it hurts to read this shit!! we spend the entire first half of the story watching this dude's rise to glory, the entire time stuck inside of his head, emotionally connecting with him even if we don't really mean to or disagree with his actions or question his morality. watching his fall back down, especially after all of that, is fucking painful— an in no way does near make the process any easier. if anything, his blunt, snarky bitchery, saying all the quiet parts out loud, calling light out for being a terrible replacement L and pointing and laughing at his failures to his face, only shoves more salt in the wound, only proves just how human he has been all this time, how meaningless any of his supposed "rise to power" ever really was. light got his fifteen seconds of fame, sure— but near is armed and ready to make sure that's all he'd ever get, that the name Light Yagami would never even be associated with the position he held for so long. six years was all he got— and it was all he was ever going to get, because light yagami did not do this for humanity, he did it for himself. all near did was collect the debt that L prescribed. he fulfilled his duty as told— nothing more, and nothing less.

i just have to wonder... is this why people hate him? because he has no sympathy for the fall? maybe. i don't know.

either way, i don't think i could ever really hate him. it's a big responsibility, being the only one left behind. but near has always been the one to hold such weights on his shoulders.

[cxtangerina]

k2 is such a funny ship to me, like it's just plausible enough to be kinda sorta realistic if you squint and pray and look at it sideways, not quite a crackship but not able to get off the ground as more than a particularly popular rarepair either. they had, like, one big episode together back in season 3, a handful of major moments over the years that people hold onto with an iron grip, and basically nothing else outside of a plethora of fantastic fancontent and dreams.

i think i like it for the exact opposite reasons that i like kyman, actually, they sorta stand as complementary ships in my mind. where k2 barely has any actual basis in canon & comes heavily from fanworks and speculation about how well the characters would match each other, kyman is practically canonical, at least when it comes to cartman's feelings, and is at least regularly joked about and referenced in-show. personally, i also tend to see k2 as a ship that is kinda miraculously requited, whereas kyman is usually stuck in unrequited hell, which...

...well, this gets into more specific character analysis, but a big part of this is that i tend to see cartman as having very fucked up views of both romance & sexuality that have especially interesting implications when you consider him to have a crush on kyle, specifically.

on the one hand, i think his cupid self is evidence enough that he has a very fairytale, idealized view of romance, based more out of the hollywood movie image of what love is supposed to be rather than anything in reality. south park adults being utter fucking idiots 99% of the time means that most, if not all, of the kids don't have a lot of good role models to base their actions off of. i'm not gonna talk out of my ass about childhood development more than i understand it, but i don't think it's too controversial (?) of a take to claim that kids understand & learn about the world through watching it just as much as interacting with it, particularly when it comes to their own parents.

cartman is a piece of shit, and while a lot of that comes from him and his own bigotry, he's still ultimately a kid in show and you can trace where some of his worst traits originate from in the people around him, even if he makes the personal decision to push it as much as humanly possible. i think the trend in recent seasons for many adults to try and at least appear more pc only makes this more obvious, actually (coughcoughrandy), though talking about that is maybe biting off a little more south park politics than i'm willing to chew for this particular post.

point is, cartman as a character in particular does not have a lot, if anything, to base his idea of what a healthy, happy romantic relationship looks like, which isn't only because liane is single though that may be a major contributing factor. love isn't work to cartman, it isn't about the maintenance of a relationship or communication or all the more realistic and slightly less pleasant parts of loving someone that hollywood doesn't find dramatic or interesting enough to show. rather it's a fantasy, something that happens to people that they have no real control over. i wouldn't be surprised if he believes in soulmates or love at first sight, even if the likelihood of him admitting that out loud isn't especially high.

on the other hand, i think his view of sexuality is greatly influenced by not just liane's sex work, but the way she is slut-shamed and treated like garbage by the rest of the town for it. i tend to view cartman as having a very transactional, cynical view of sex and sexuality, where sex is only used for personal gain (whether that be money or power, likely at the expense of someone else/the submissive party), and sexuality is an inherent character flaw, a weakness that must be overcome unless you are able to twist it and use it for your own (material?) benefit- see the streaming wars & cartman wanting his mom to seduce a rich man for money as a recent example of this.

it's a running gag in TFBW that cartman uses douchebag catching their dad fucking their mom as a tragic backstory, and doesn't seem to understand how reproduction actually works even when kyle basically says it straight to his fucking face. even as a joke, there's still a lot of underlying truth behind why he would believe this. cartman is aware of his mom's sex work, even if he may not want to fully admit/believe it, largely because of situations where he's specifically getting shit for it. he knows he has a father, and that he is (in)directly responsible for said father's horrible death & consumption, but he only really cares about that insofar as it means he's half ginger. sex has only ever been presented through its most vicious power dynamics to him- why would he see it as a good thing, as something that could ever be loving, especially when contrasted against such an idealized, purified view of romance?

(you could also extrapolate from this how cartman associates sexuality & romance with femininity & his brand of sexism to get some particularly delectable transfem cartman ideas, but i digress.)

ANYWAYS. this is all to say that cartman having a crush on kyle (or anyone, really, but kyle is obviously the most emotionally volatile example) instantly pits those two conflicting views against one another, like he wants something that he doesn't even think could ever exist: a happy, healthy romantic relationship, where sex is just a normal thing that they can choose to do or not. this is where a lot of kyman angst comes from for me, with cartman either trying to stuff that round desire back into the square hole of how he views the world, or having his ideals fall ever further apart when the feelings are unrequited. and, on top of that, none of this being actually said out loud because communication is impossible.

this is why i always see kyman as making each other worse, especially if they actually manage to make it into a romantic relationship. i simply Do Not see kyle being a patient enough person to help cartman work through the intricacies of all of his expectations and idealized fantasies and internalized fears surrounding such mutually screwed views of romance & sexuality- on the rare occasions that kyle does show some interest in romantic relationships it's usually pretty centered around himself, and to be frank i only see his interest in romance going down as he gets older.

i've heard some people talk about kyle before like he's the "moral compass" of south park or whatever and while that may be true by the end of the episode, one of the things i like most about him is the fact that he struggles so much to get to the best conclusions. this is kind of getting back into the k2 side of this analysis, but where kenny manages a much more effortless selflessness, even pushing it to the point of being both a strength and a flaw when kenny stops caring about himself for the sake of others, kyle is a lot more self-centered than he cares to admit and it influences a lot of his attempts at being a good person.

this is both my favorite aspect of kyle, that he really has to put in the work to be the good person that he wants to be, and also the primary bad trait that i think cartman brings out of kyle. by being such a notoriously horrible shithead, he gives kyle the perfect target to unleash his annoyance on, getting him so caught up in arguing and proving himself to be the better person that kyle forgets to actually listen to the people that he's supposed to be standing up for. cartman is a fantastic troll and, at least in show, kyle definitely has not learned to stop feeding him argument fodder yet.

sidenote: about kyman entering a romantic relationship... wasn't sure where to add this, but it's for this exact reason that i also see kyman (or this version of kyman where cartman gets worse with age, rather than better) only actually happening in the universes where kyle has lost all other meaningful connections, to the point that feeding a troll to get off on an argument is the best possible option, even if he's old enough to know better. especially if he's old enough to know better.

again, k2 is the opposite of this for me in that i see kyle & kenny as having a lot of potential to bring out the best in each other.

if kyle's worst trait is that he gets too caught up in his own feelings & desires to truly be the good, selfless, thoughtful person that he wants to be to actually do genuine good for the sake of others, kenny's problem is that he skews too far in the opposite direction. i kinda already said this, but to state it outright: kenny's biggest strength and his biggest flaw are the exact same, that he is selfless to a fault, to the point of consistently putting other people's safety and happiness above his own when he thinks it would be of help the majority/the people he loves. this was the key kenny trait that was established by the end of BL&U, and it has only gotten more prominent in the years since with his mysterion persona.

it is in this way that kenny both stands as someone that kyle can look up to & admire for how effortlessly he dedicates himself to the people he cares about the most, but also, simultaneously, as someone that kyle can take care of himself and offer the same help back to. and i don't even think kenny needs to say very much out loud to push kyle towards a lot of these conclusions, he kinda just has to exist and be noticed and kyle has the intelligence to figure it out himself, to recognize the shit that kenny puts himself through and his (usually) quite noble reasons for doing so, and want to offer him the same love and care and dedication that kenny never allows himself to have.

really, the difficult part of this is being noticed at all in the first place. again, i said earlier that k2 is kinda "miraculously requited," in my mind, specifically because the aspect that's missing in the show and almost always must be provided by fan content for k2 is that spark/push forward that gets them close enough to start talking and for kyle to notice kenny in the first place. it's just lucky that's one of my favorite things to figure out and write for those two, hehehe.

[snowpaw23]

Guillermo Del Toro’s Frankenstein pointouts, predictions, rants, and rambles!

Initially I wanted to post this on r/frankenstein, but it turned out too long, lol. Huge theorizing/ranting/hyping post I wrote between classes regarding Del Toro's upcoming "Frankenstein"! Figured I'd get it all out in the open before the trailer comes and confirms/debunks any thoughts I have thus far. Feel free to add your own predictions in the comments, I love to talk about this!

Alright, let’s get into this! Del Toro has stated that the film will be an “aleatory” retelling of the “legend” of the creature, rather than a shot-for-shot remake of the book by Mary Shelley.

Now I was a little worried about this, obviously, but then I remembered that Del Toro has also stated that the Frank Darabont script was the “perfect” version of Frankenstein.

This script was supposedly used by Kenneth Branagh in his 1991 film “Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein”, though according to Del Toro, Branagh made this script unrecognizable, and therefore ruined it. I didn’t know what he was talking about until I actually read through the script itself and realized… Branagh basically cut 75% of the creature’s scenes in favor of more Victor scenes. He himself was playing Victor. Go figure.

Now the Darabont script isn’t one for one accurate with the book, by a long shot. He goes into miscellaneous detail and emphasizes certain areas far more than others, as well as adding whole new scenes and elaborations on previous sections. He adds the scene where the recently deceased Elizabeth gets rebuilt into the creature’s short lived bride whom Victor and Creature fight over.

Call me crazy, but I LOVE this script. The characterization of the Creature in particular is FANTASTIC, and it really gets across both his humanity as well as the almost animalistic traits of him, he’s a very natural being, very tenderhearted and soft spoken, when he does speak, (for a while). I love him. The scene where he tries to rescue the baby fawn from the hunting dogs… that has me in actual tears, as most things regarding this story do.

I don’t know what the legal ramifications of Del Toro using parts of this script would be, considering they “used it” for Kenneth Branagh’s film, but if he does anything similar to this, I’ll be one happy camper. Darabont understands the monster, Del Toro understands the monster, Bernie Wrightson understands the monster, and I understand the monster. Speaking of Bernie Wrightson…

Wrightson’s work is a huge inspiration for Del Toro himself, so I’m going to be looking for specific scenes in the trailer/film that are references/remakes of Wrightson’s Frankenstein portfolio, or even his “Frankenstein Alive Alive” comic. As of the drafting of this note page, we have only one photo of the creature from the upcoming film starring Jacob Elordi. That picture is my desktop wallpaper, depicting a behind the scenes B roll photograph of Oscar Isaac facing toward a massive cathedrel-esque window, with the creature himself lying on a huge wooden table, strapped down and partially covered in bandage. You can’t see his face due to the wrapping as well as the angle of the photograph, but you can see the color and texture of his flesh as the stitches wrap over him like crudely drawn lines, some straight and others jagged. He does look different than Wrightson’s creature right off the bat, because Wrightson’s lacks much of the stitching that we have come to picture as being part of the monster. Although he has sketches that do show the more traditional “Frankenstein” stitches along the creature’s body, the version we typically associate with him lacks this feature. His beast is much more “natural” looking, all and muscular and sinewy, ratty black hair that can sometimes appear as elegant, and would, had it been properly maintained. From what I can tell, Elordi’s creature will be his own beast, trying to combine elements from various iterations of the beast. Del Toro really likes the Karloff creature, going so far as to have a giant mask of him in his own home the size of a grown man. Likely we’ll see some facial similarities between the two creatures, sort of sunken, sad, and sullen, to match his personality up until that point. That is, until the snap happens, where the creature vows vengeance on all mankind after so much abuse. After that point, I’m hoping the creature goes completely feral and vicious, yelling at Victor, grabbing him by the coat lapel and throwing him to the ground, howling as he explains the intensity of his solitude and the ferocity of his rage. (I know Elordi is more than capable of this type of acting due to his aggressive character in “Kissing Booth”, a mid movie with a surprisingly good performance by him, specifically. More on this at the bottom.)

Now, Elordi is an up and comer. He’s mainly known for these, like… teeny bopper rom-dramas where he usually plays some love interest or rival character. I can’t say for sure whether or not I trust him with a character so delicate and dear to my heart, but I’m more than ready to be proven absolutely wrong in my skepticism. As Andrew Garfield said, Jacob Elordi really needs this role. He’s been typecast as the random boyfriend character of some female lead of some show I don’t care about. If Andrew Garfield backs him, I understand. Garfield is a tenderheart with good taste in people, and perhaps he sees something in Elordi that I have yet to experience, and with he himself having initially been cast for the creature, his grace in this situation is moving.

One thing I found kinda silly was the Gizmodo article regarding the media screening of the trailer from back in January. I read this and died laughing at the title alone, explaining how Jacob Elordi looks "monstrously hot" in this film. This, of course, is GREAT news for me specifically (creature simp number one over here), butttt I'd be remiss if I didn't point out how this might be a disappointment for many more casual Frankenfans. I think we were all kinda hoping for a really scary creature, but I just don't think Del Toro is gonna go all out on the scares, here. He really loves monsters who are creepy yes, but also sympathetic and beautiful. I assume when we first meet the creature, he'll be a little on the scary side, but I doubt he'll stay such for more than a minute or so.

Here's what I'm hoping for in terms of seeing him, just laying it out. Okay, I don't know if we're ever going to see him fully in the trailers, I kinda hope we don't. I loved what Robert Eggers did with Nosferatu, hiding his full reveal until the actual film. That gave him this sense of power and, dare I say, aura when you finally did get to see Orlok. But will Del Toro follow? In the one image we have of the creature thus far, we see him laid out on a table. His head and several parts of his body are completely bandaged over, and I'm hoping these bandages stay on during the scene where he is brought to life. The first time we see his face, it should be when he lives. I heard that Victor believes, in this film, that the experiment did not work, and so went to bed to sleep on his failure, when the Creature comes to his bedside and looms over him, waking him up. This is I think when we'll see his face for the first time, though he will be shrouded in shadow, illuminated barely by the light of a single candle (hence the mention of a "glint of red in his eyes" that was mentioned in the Gizmodo article.)

Victor will probably flip out and have a small altercation where he flees the house, the creature doing the same, staggering off into the woods in confusion and disorientation. I think the first real look we'll get of his face in detail will be after that point, where one of two things could happen. One, he could turn to look up at the moon, as he does in the book, and we see his countenance illuminated in the glow. Or, he could find a stream and drink from it, and the first time we see his face is in the reflection of the water, which he detests. Regardless, they might show him in the trailer, anyway, and we'll get to see him there, first. But his presence on screen in the film will still be powerful. I expect I'll cry. Probably many times. Not a problem, sometimes you need a good daddy-issue-induced breakdown. As far as Oscar Isaac goes as Victor, I think we have a real winner on our hands. He’s more than proven himself in Moonknight as being capable of playing derangement, desperation, and internal hyperconflict.

Besides, he looks a little like the Victor Frankenstein I myself draw, especially with those sideburns. Not to mention all the huzz are gonna lose their collective minds when they see him. Not me though, I’m here for my sweet creature.

Isaac is cute. Elordi is cute, no doubt. That’s another thing I was confused about. I personally would have cast Boban Marjanovic to play the creature, had I been put in charge of it. Then I’d have picked Joseph Quinn to play Victor. The PERFECT cast, I’m telling you. But I accept and respect and love the cast we have.

Alright let’s talk plot. I think I'll make a separate post after we get a trailer where I lay out my plot prediction, specifically, as well as predictions for what the various filming locations are going to represent. For now we can discuss here. As mentioned way higher in this note page, the plot is a bit confusing to accurately predict. Del Toro seems to be pulling many different elements from various adaptations of this story. Mainly to me, this sounds like it will be a combination of Shelley’s original novel, as well as the 1935 Universal film “The Bride of Frankenstein”.

Wait wtf this is an aside, I was going to the imdb page to discuss casting choices and the fact that Dr. Pretorius was here… but now it says Christoff Waltz’s character is named Harlander. Who tf is that bro, what… Maybe they had to change his name to avoid copyright issues? Imdb has been wrong before, but also this is likely correct now that it’s getting so close to release. In the 2015 movie “Victor Frankenstein” starring Daniel Radcliffe and James McAvoy, there’s a character named Finnegan, a wealthy contemporary of Victor’s who agrees to fund his research in exchange for it to be done in his name and under his label. Victor agrees of course, and eventually goes on to create his creature (who sadly is on screen for a whole two seconds).

I’m assuming that Waltz’ character in this film will hold a similar position, though perhaps he’ll be a professor, given the age difference. Now, I can see this going one of two ways: In Branagh’s film (and the Darabont script) Professor Waldman is a huge help to Victor in his beginnings of the chemical (and pseudoscientific) realms of study, building onto Shelley’s novel. He eventually gets killed by an unruly man in town, and Victor goes on to use his brain in the construction of the creature. He could potentially use Waltz’ character in the same manner, but I kind of doubt it, given how he was listed as Dr. Pretorius up until a few days ago. (Omg… if imdb is getting updates on the movie… does that mean a trailer is coming?? Ugh, don’t get my hopes up.)

Though that being said, there is no listed professor Waldman in the imdb cast listing, instead labeling Ralph Ineson as Professor Krempe, another of Victor’s superiors in the book. He is far less tolerant of Victor’s ideas on pseudoscience. I don’t know if Krempe in the film will continue that thread, or will sort of take on the role of Waldman. The more likely outcome of this whole ordeal with this “Harlander” fellow would be similar to the Finnegan ordeal listed above, where a benefactor decides to take Victor under his wing and fund his research. I doubt this individual will survive until the end of the movie, given the original Pretorius was killed in the lab explosion caused by the creature in TBOF, ending the bride and himself as well (kinda).

Ooooh, but now I’m getting confused. Will this film end with the creation (and destruction) of the bride and Harlander? I’m not sure, because we’re definitely getting the Captain Walton character in this film, as shown in a behind the scenes image depicting a massive ship in the ice. But Victor survives that explosion in the original film, so he could theoretically get there without the creature. Ah, but why would he?

Okay, I’m assuming the creation of the bride will be about 3/4 of the way through the film. Harlander will likely be killed in the event, as well as the bride, and the creature vows vengeance on Victor, eventually killing Elizabeth when Victor weds her. This then follows the Darabont script and the original novel, in which the creature leads Victor into the icy North. I say it was the Darabont script more likely, because I’m kinda hoping for the ice floe scene that was largely nerfed in the Branagh film.

- Wait wait wait, I got another idea. Okay, so maybe Victor begins constructing the bride, then changes his mind and destroys the unfinished cadaver. The creature is distraught by the broken promise and the realization that he will forever be lonely. He vows vengeance and disappears into the night. Victor knows he has to wed Elizabeth, and takes her the next day, no time to waste. But on their wedding night, the creature attacks, killing her in her bed.

As in the Branagh version, Victor is heartbroken, and rushes Elizabeth’s body back to his lab. Here, he finally comes crawling back to Harlander, whom he had scorned prior. Harlander exclaims there’s no time to lose, and excitedly assists Victor in the creation and resurrection of his literal bride. The creature then shows up during the moment of conception, and decides to claim the newly resurrected and deformed Elizabeth.

From here, it goes about how you'd expect, with the creature and Victor fighting over the poor woman, who barely understands or registers she’s even sentient again. Victor screams that it’s his wife! He needs her! He reached through the barrier between life and death to have her back. The Creature scoffs, explaining how once he realizes she’s no longer Elizabeth, no longer bears her memories of him, that he’ll throw her out, like Victor did with him. The Creature tries to reason with the reborn Elizabeth, saying he would never abandon her like Victor would, and that he loves her just as she is, and not for who she had been.

Harlander also wants her, though, for his own experiments. Another fight ensues, obviously. Harlander is killed, and the bride is accidentally taken out.

- Or another variation. Victor outright denies the creature a bride, and goes about his own life again. Harlander, desperate to follow in Victor’s footsteps, finds the creature, seeking him out after weeks of searching. He’s sly and slimy for sure, but given the creature has never felt any kind of gentle discussion from mankind, he’s agrees to team up with Harlander in order to pressure Victor to make him a bride. He doesn’t understand Harlander’s true intentions, thinking he really is just disgusted by Victor’s lack of affection.

Of course we know that isn’t true, and he actually wants to learn from and steal Victor’s knowledge when it comes to the freakish scientific methods he has invented. There’s money to be made in offering immortal life not granted by God, after all.

Gosh, this might be the one, chat. This might be it. Given that initially IMDB stated that the plot revolved around Dr. Pretorius hunting the creature to get Victor to resume his experiments. From here, we can go a few ways, too.

If Harlander convinces Victor to make the creature a bride, this could lead to a few more instances of conversation between the pair. Does this mean that Victor and the creature could eventually team up against Harlander? Ehhh, probably not. I’m leaning more toward Harlander being hype that the bride is alive, and trying to take her away so that he can run his own tests on her. The creature is furious at the betrayal and kills Harlander, and accidentally the bride in the process. I mentioned this outcome earlier too, but it's just likely to happen, I think. The Creature is now heartbroken that the one person he thought was on his side betrayed him, and thus begins the final push to the end.

Another manner that would stick with the original themes of the text would be during the creation of the bride, Victor comes to his senses and shuts the operation down, realizing Harlander will use this discovery for evil. He and the man start to fight as the Creature attempts to take his bride away from the chaos. Similar crap goes down, explosion, whatever. Somebody’s gotta die, here. Again, wind up in the Arctic after the loss of the bride and Harlander.

But speaking of the ending, I have incredibly high hopes for this scene, should it unfold as it does in the book. I firmly believe there’s no Frankenstein adaptation that properly shows the death scene of Victor Frankenstein (and more importantly, the subsequent mourning of the creature). The closest we have thus far is the Hallmark TV special, undoubtedly my favorite adaptation as it currently stands, and even that one doesn’t hit the emotional intensity that the book possessed. This is my favorite scene in the book, and it’s never been truly done justice. (Well, the scene in the old Wishbone TV Series kinda does pretty well, given it’s a children’s show about a talking nerd dog. Also one of my faves, really. The music is way better than it has any right to be, and I still consider it my go-to Frankenstein theme, along with the one from the Hallmark Frankenstein, which is very tonally similar in terms of score. Ugh, my autism is showing, isn't it?

The sudden intense grief of the creature is extremely powerful. For so long, this man has known nothing but anger, despair, and vengeance. He had finally completed the task he assigned to himself, that of destroying Victor and all he held dear. But now that it’s done, he finds he feels no better. In fact, he can’t handle the sudden realization that he is alone. Yes, he lived his entire life alone, but now for the first time, he exists on the earth without even the creator he so loathed. He has nothing, no one who understands what he ever was, what his potential had been. All these years spent killing and running and hiding, seeking out an ultimate goal, dragging himself down to the depths of sin and depravity all to end Victor's life… and yet now , at the end, he has done nothing but ruin himself. He can't come back from the evil he's done, and he can't forgive himself for allowing it to go so far. Everything comes crashing down upon him, and he begs for Victor to return, cries for forgiveness, and utter, destructive self-loathing. Walton’s words fall on deaf ears.

More casting peculiarities… There’s no Walton. Instead, there is a Captain Anderson. Will this character play the same role? Why did they change the name? I understand Pretorius, but Walton was from the original novel, so I doubt there’d be any copyright struggles. And also… Fritz? Why tf Fritz here? He made his debut in the original 1931 Frankenstein film as Frankenstein’s assistant and grave-robber. I don’t know how in depth his character will be in this new film, considering it seems largely focused on Victor and the creature and their dynamic, at least what I can tell based on what minuscule information we have on this film. I hope he’s just kind of a background character, mostly. I generally don’t like the Fritz/Igor type characters, even if they are so silly and cute.

For me, they really take away from the personal aspect between Victor and the Creature. You know? Like, the Creature is solely Victor’s work, his baby, his passion, and his demon. When you put this random mf in as an assistant, I feel like it negates the dynamic between the weird loner Victor and the Creature, which is supposed to be an intimate, familial relationship that was bastardized by Victor’s stupidity and lack of empathy. If Fritz’ role is reserved to being the effective “bodysnatcher” though, as I’m hoping it will be, we’ll have no issue.

(Aside, one of the only times where Victor having an assistant really worked for me was in the 1973 Frankenstein film by Dan Curtis. At first I wasn't into it, given how may liberties it takes with the story, but after watching it all the way through I actually love this adaptation! Yes it's different, but the main heart of the story is there. I adore the creature's character in this one, and I like how it tried to make Victor into a more sympathetic, realistic character. He doesn't immediately cast out the creature, instead it's sort of an AU where he's a tad nicer and more… fatherly, at least for a time. He has two assistants in this movie, and again, due to the change in plot, it actually works remarkably well.)

Okay but where’s Henry? That’s the GOAT! I don’t even see him listed in the cast. So Fritz can be here, but Victor’s best friend and main positive influence is absent? Hmm… I wonder if this is relevant to the changed plot in some way, like he has no support system beyond Elizabeth in this film. This would make her death more tragic if she takes up some of the mantle of Henry’s character in his absence. There seem to be a lot of characters in this film, maybe more than necessary, specifically because some of the most important characters in the book are absent.

I’m getting a little nervous, but also I’m trying to stay focused, brothers. It really is all about execution, so long as these suckers don’t detract from the dynamic between Victor and the creature, it’ll be absolutely great. But like, those two are the reason people are going to watch this movie. I want some intense, shirt rending, soul crushing emotional angst, here! I want to see these two dudes tear each other apart due to their longing, each for different things. And yet, ironically, the same things:

Victor wants the love of Elizabeth, and freedom from his dark past. The creature wants the love of… well, anyone really, but most of all, his creator. His father.

At one point, the synopsis said that “Dr. Pretorius is tasked with hunting Frankenstein’s monster, who was believed to have died in a fire 40 years before.” As far as this goes, I kinda think this is no longer relevant, given what little we have seen of the film. At least as far as the “40 years” bit. I don’t think that a massive time skip is going to work especially well for this film lengthwise, but also I could be totally proven wrong, I have no idea.

I know Victor looks a little older than we would expect in this film, but most movies make him middle aged rather than a dumb 19 year old, anyway. And also, why wouldn’t he have married Elizabeth by now? I don’t know, that’s just so strange to me, and I hope that doesn’t happen in the film. It just sounds like needless confusing of the timeline, but we’ll see how it works out.

As of right now when I’m writing this, late April 2025, the imdb storyline synopsis goes as follows, “Oscar-winning director Guillermo del Toro adapts Mary Shelley's classic tale of Victor Frankenstein, a brilliant but egotistical scientist who brings a creature to life in a monstrous experiment that ultimately leads to the undoing of both the creator and his tragic creation.” This sounds much closer to the book’s plot line than the previous sentence that was listed prior. Okay update, I’m adding this little section today (May 22) because I got really sick and binged a bunch of Jacob Elordi films, now with Frankenstein’s monster in mind.

Whereas once I thought he was just… an okay actor in okay movies, I changed my mind. He’s actually great, when utilized correctly! He’s FANTASTIC at playing bipolar-type characters, switching extremely rapidly between calm docility and vicious, violent anger at the drop of a hat. He's able to portray a sense of pining, dismal longing, as well. Desperate for affection, yet deeming himself unworthy to have it. That’s exactly what the creature is.

That dude was never a kid, never a teenager, he never learned how to regulate himself emotionally. In one breath he’ll curse all mankind and swear its destruction, and in the next, he’ll rescue a girl from a raging river and risk his own life. He doesn’t know what or who he is, nor how he should behave in any given circumstance; All he knows is that he’s intrinsically good, yet his surroundings constantly force him into acting rashly.

Elordi also has these big sad brown eyes and slanty brows, and I HOPE they let him use them. I mean like, neither the Karloff Creature nor the Wrightson Creature, both of which are heavy inspiration for the Elordi Creature, have visible eyebrows, and I think that’s a shame. Luke Goss’s Creature from the Hallmark Frankenstein has the same dark sad brows, and the contrast of them upon his sallow, shriveled face is wonderful! Just like the contrast of the bright stark white teeth in the dark tinged lips- OMG I LOVE FRANKENSTEINS MONSTER SO MUCH RRAHHHHHH (insert werewolf ripping its shirt reaction image here)

Again, knowing Del Toro, he wouldn’t have selected somebody to play one of his all time faves if he didn’t trust them with the ability to do so. At first, I’ll admit, my reaction to the news was like “Oh, um… okay, I guess.” Because I was too afraid to accept anything other than who I wanted to play the creature in my mind. I had to see it to believe it. I’ve since done a multitude of sketches, concept art if you will, to try and envision Elordi in this role, and… I’m unashamedly in love. He looks wonderful.

True, I haven’t seen how he ACTUALLY looks yet (fingers crossed for this Saturday!) but based off of my own designs, which he surely can’t stray tooooo far from, given what information I know about his design already, I fear the person I will become when this film comes out. I mean… I’ve been waiting for it for over ten years. This could very well be THE movie of all time, for me. It’s certainly the most excited I’ve ever been for a film. I can’t recall a single other movie in which every day felt like torture because I couldn’t handle the wait any longer. It’s consuming me utterly, and I should stop fighting and just let it take me, I think.

[hidden-by-a-trench-coat]

Collecting my angsty thoughts about Tarquin from Lost In Your Eyes and his guilt about everything and putting them here because I NEED to talk about them

SUUUUPER long post after the read more just so you know (oh, and mentions of death, guilt, hallucinations, and angst and all that fun stuff - so keep that in mind before you continue)

Anyway, I love Lost In Your Eyes and have so many thoughts, so here they are transcribed from the discussion on the Discord (practically just me talking to myself but hey. Also, wow, hi, I realize if you're on the Discord you might have no idea who I am because this is the one social I have that's not the same username so I can hide from my IRL friends just in case - anyway, I'm Shadow. Continue forth with this knowledge my friends):

I wrote about it a bit in my fix-it fic, but I love considering how guilty Tarquin must feel about losing his entire crew. That’s 53 people he lost. People he cared about and knew by name - and I imagine him to have cared about every single one of them. Imagining how it would slowly break his spirits over time watching them pass one by one and not being able to do anything about it. And yet he has to ignore his emotions because he has the remaining crew members to care about and to keep alive - he can’t fail them, too (though he soon proves to himself that he very much can over and over and over again, no matter how hard he tries. He can’t understand why he can’t just keep them alive)

By the time there’s only 3 of them, he’s barely keeping himself together. The dread he feels as the number ticks down to 2 remaining isn’t comparable to anything in the world (Imagine him by that crew member's side, desperately trying to hold himself together and stop himself from crying as he silently begs for him to stay with them. Because they're so close to land. And after it doesn't work - because of course it doesn't - he sits there on the floor holding the hand of his second to last remaining crew member, which is already becoming colder by the second - and cries) - they’d been so close to getting even 3 of them to safety, and yet he couldn’t even do that.

And then the last one dies (and to make it worse, he dies right after an act of pure betrayal, taking down his beloved Amanda in the process, which could not have been easy for him to process. They'd been traveling together for 3 years, he probably trusted him the most, and then he does that? Without explanation? It must have hurt so bad) and it’s just him and he hates it. He doesn’t think he deserved to survive as opposed to everyone else. He could have taken someone’s place. He was the captain, he should have put his crew first.

He has nightmares for the rest of his life about every member of his crew at least once. He remembers all of their faces so vividly. They’re begging for help, for him to do something. To save them. And he never can. He's just forced to watch.

It doesn’t help that the same thing happened to Amanda. He finally gets to her and yet, she dies, too. He couldn’t save his crew and he couldn’t save Amanda - the one person in the world that he should be able to save, even if he couldn’t save everyone else. He feels like everyone he grows to care about will befall the terrible fate of death and there’s nothing he can do about it. He blames himself endlessly for her death, wondering if he could have saved her (and the rest of his crew) if he’d just done something differently. He regrets ever even leaving when he could have just stayed with Amanda and nothing would have gone this way

And I feel like he'd be terrified to make any future friendships or connections because he thinks that he's going to end up getting them killed in one way or another - and so he ends up isolating himself. Maybe he deliberately spends another 3 or more years at sea on his own. Maybe it's a way for him to feel like he's making up for their deaths or asking for forgiveness or whatever but it just makes him feel worse in the end

Oh and I imagine he hates sailing now, too but he does it anyway because he feels like he has to. Because if he stops he has to find something else to do and he doesn't know what else he could do (though he's starting to doubt he can even sail, either). Any joy he used to feel from having the wind in his face and the smell of the ocean is gone. Maybe the smell of salt makes him feel sick now

Thinking about Tarquin watching the waves for those 3 other years he goes back out on his own wondering why they haven't consumed him yet. Why they decide to spare him even after everything he's done and how he doesn't deserve their mercy. How he would almost rather the waves be harsh and unforgiving. Maybe the challenge would distract him. Maybe it would make it easier to pretend that surviving the tough storms would be like his crew was forgiving him, even a little bit

(I had a whole thing in my fic about how he feels like he doesn't deserve to sail anymore and that Amanda would be so much better at it because she managed to do his 3 year journey in so much less time. And on her own - and yet he could barely even get 3 people across the ocean alive even after his years of experience. I think if she did somehow survive and they needed to return, he would have stepped down from his position as captain and made her do all of the sailing of the ship feeling as though he wasn't worthy of the position and that she was just so much better at it)

Imagining Tarquin during his time alone at sea hallucinating members of his crew or Amanda - especially Amanda. How much it would hurt him to realize that they were fake. Maybe at some point he's so disoriented for one reason or another he mistakes the hallucination as real and breaks when he realizes it's not. The amount of hope he would feel - however futile or impossible - thinking that someone of his crew managed to survive despite everything. And then it disappears and suddenly he's so terribly alone again

Imagining him in front of the hallucination of Amanda begging for forgiveness. Maybe the hallucination accepts (Amanda would) but maybe it’s more Tarquin’s perception of how he thinks she’d react and so she doesn’t accept and he understands why she wouldn’t. Maybe he even thinks he deserves it. Maybe it even convinces him that Amanda hates him now. Whatever happens I think it would break his spirits even more

Meanwhile, Amanda watching from the afterlife with sadness watching Tarquin’s mental state decline over time and being unable to do anything about it

Actually, imagining her actually being on the boat with him as a ghost. She can’t do anything to support him physically, of course, but she’s trying her best to protect him, hoping that somehow he can sense her there - maybe that’s why his boat is so safe despite everything

Maybe Tarquin actually sees her ghost one time but he doesn’t believe it’s real - because it can’t be - but he talks to her anyways because that’s what he’s done every other time he’s seen her. And she tries so hard to be there for him, trying to comfort him. He can’t feel her touch, but he imagines it anyways. And for the briefest of moments it’s like she’s there again. For that brief moment - nothing more than a second - everything is okay again. And then it’s not. Because she’s not really there.

He can’t hear her desperate attempts to try and get him to just take care of himself

An in a different universe, imagining Tarquin eventually deciding to head home after the events of the play. He realizes he needs to tell all of the families of his crew about how their family members are dead. They probably knew the risks but he still feels terrible thinking about telling them (even if they don’t know his entire crew died). But he feels obligated to tell them, because that was their family member.

Thinking about him realizing he’ll need to tell Amanda’s mother that she’s dead. He knows he can’t wait to do that because that’s her mother. So one of the first things he does when he gets back is goes to Amanda’s house (what was Amanda’s house, he supposes) and knocks on the door. She is not excited to see him and probably asks about Amanda, but he asks to be let in so they can talk because he can’t do this outside and it feels more respectful if they’re both sitting. He’s not very good at hiding his grief - he almost certainly hasn’t been sleeping well - and so she lets him in.

And then he has to tell her. He probably has to force the words out because he doesn’t want to say them. Maybe he’s still in denial, but either way saying them aloud hurts him even more. Amanda’s mother is almost certainly angry at him (because of course she is. She always had this negative impression of him in the first place and this just proves all of her worries - how Amanda should have never been with Tarquin in the first place. Hell, maybe Tarquin even agrees with her now. Because if he hadn’t fallen in love with her, then maybe she would have still been alive. And even if they weren’t together, at least Amanda would have been happy and alive doing something different and with someone else), and he certainly doesn’t make himself sound much better, after all, he’s been blaming himself for her death this entire time. And so he sits there and just takes it as she yells at him, and he probably thinks he deserves it.

That was a lot, but I just have so many thoughts and I need to put them somewhere - thank you so much for reading my crazy collection of thoughts, I hope it didn't hurt too much

[vulpeculaconstellation]

Our experience in the Trans Academy discord

TW! | This post contains very heavy topics such as su*cide, self h*rm, threats, baiting, CSA and P*dophillia

The Trans Academy is a community on VRC in which it is labeled a safe space for Trans Individuals of the ages 13+, as a trans man we explored it as our first safe space when we first entered into VRC as it can be a bit of a questionable platform to be on especially when transphobic individuals run around the platform consistently. The TA was a safe space from that, or at least for awhile it was considered that for us. Though of course the TA instances had its moments of crashes coming into the public instances or simply trolling, there were a lot of flaws in the discord server and we as a system are going to talk about our experience. The TA was relatively fun, it was a great place to be and we in fact were in the TA for maybe a month or two. We met amazing people, and made great friends however despite the good things we experienced the negative experiences layered over it making it hard to find the TA enjoyable.

There where quiet a few cases and rather almost daily in which others would personally overshare, giving out personal things about them though always coming out in the form of venting. This led to many people expressing feelings of su*cide and selfh*rm especially in the general chat of the TA, leaving many people uncomfortable and uneasy. This made it difficult to talk in the TA as sometimes people would simply drop sensitive topics in the general chat especially when others are engaging in conversations with one another. Though naturally a good handful would also use this as a form of attention seeking and typically people would feed into their desire of attention which results in them repeating the behavior even more. There were multiple instances in where someone threatened to Off themselves if someone didn’t talk to them, where someone asks for su*cide letter ideas, where someone has openly stated they are going to off themselves which causes an entire chat to panic and had even caused systems in the server to split because of the stress. This also includes a case in which someone had made a joke about offing themselves and hurting themselves, leaving a lot of people uncomfortable and even communicating that they were uncomfortable- instead the individual making the joke double down and told others to cope and that they do not care, they would not try to reason with anyone what so ever and one of their friends had instead validated the behavior in saying the at it was a “coping mechanism”. When I had filed a ticket for a mod, the ticket was closed immediately with no real word being said in response to that ticket and the person who had made the sensitive joke is still allowed to talk in the server.

The amount of ableism we experienced in the TA was almost enough to make us leave, a lot of transfems were upset with systems as more and more started jointing into the server as many systems are bodily trans, and they were very upset about the idea of so many systems being present so much so to a rate where people had been actively putting “systems DNI” on their public profile and especially on their user name, then continuously alienating systems then continuing to villainize systems in the server and considering all systems to be shitty and horrible. This caused a lot of backlash from systems and even a good handful of singlets as they were extremely unhappy about the idea of villainizing systems, as systems were practically being shamed for existing in a server that they too should feel comfortable in. Even someone had defended the behavior of the villainization of systems, saying that they were valid for being uncomfortable and that people should stop harassing them for it. This thankfully did not happen again as the individuals who were expressing the ableism against systems simply left the server after multiple people had gotten on their case.

The thing that had really set in stone that the TA was not a comfortable space for us anymore was that of the littles in our system named Zelda or Zel for short had reached out to a mod. Zel had actually talked to a friend of ours, another trusted adult before hand cause they didn’t want to file a ticket because it had something to do with another staff member and Zel didn’t want them to see the ticket so one of our friends who we call Val had pointed out that the mod had something in their profile that wasn’t very - TA friendly nor appropriate for the server. They had “age player” on their profile which left us confused at first maybe thinning that they mixed up the term “age play” with “age regression” considering people mix the two together very often. The mod, in which we expected them to only be mixing the terms instead in that context that it was not a conversation that they could have in the TA, which made it clear that they were not mixing the two terms together and that this mod was proudly expressing their sexual desires on their profile in a server filled with minors. Admittedly we started to feel unsafe and uncomfortable in the TA after. Ageplay is a very concerning sexual ‘kink’, where someone will either regress to be younger or want to to be sexually involved with someone who’s regressed to a younger age, age play is essentially fetishizing the idea of P*dophillia - sexualizing the idea of an adult being with a minor although they are two consenting adults. This mod *did* remove it from their profile after Val pointed it out in the general chat which left quite a few people uneasy and uncomfortable with that mod as a whole. We had personally reached out to two different mods while Val had filed a ticket to address it, and when filing a ticket the response we had gotten through Val was this.

Tizzy (The creator of the server and the community as a whole) was defending the idea of ageplay. To which we responded, a bit harshly at first in a fit of emotional reaction. Val had asked if they could blur out my username and profile picture so they could share that with staff, that had the ticket open, to which I will share what I said here.

A little bit down the line Val had gotten a response to the ticket the only response we received was incredibly dismissive and very clearly came off in a way that they were not willing to address the situation properly.

As a result of that we had simply left the TA discord server as we continued to feel unbearably uncomfortable in a space that was meant to be safe for everyone including us. Though we did meet amazing people and do not get me wrong we did enjoy the small time we had there in the TA, unfortunately the bad had overrun the good things so I have instead resorted to publicly share our experience with the TA