#and for the way that i personally read these books. which my interpretation is essentially the thesis of this post

[quatregats]

Thinking a lot of thoughts about Hornblower's relationships with Barbara and Maria as a metaphor for his larger relationship to social mobility and ambition, and I think there's actually a lot there - not sure if it was intentional, but I do think that whether intentionally or inadvertently, Forester did an interesting job with the parallels.

Quick note beforehand that some of this is based on my constant brief paging through C. Northcote Parkinson's Hornblower "biography", which, while I absolutely abhor his interpretation of Hornblower, gives even more food for thought on this point. I'm also leaning more into his interpretation of Hornblower's background and childhood, as opposed to the TV show's, so it might not work if you're coming from the TV show's perspective.

Parkinson takes Forester's comment that Hornblower was a "doctor's son" to mean that he was the son of an apothecary, rather than a physician like in the show. I'm not a historian of the period, so I would be hard-pressed to actually try to fit Hornblower's father within the 18th-century framework of medical practice, but either way, given his awkwardness around upper-class life and that he seems to have grown up in rural Kent, I think that Parkinson's claim that he was the son of an apothecary, rather than a physician, does have some reasonable foundation, or is at least equally plausible (to me) as the show's.

Hornblower struggles with poverty through most of the series, especially the first half, but even when he is barely scraping by, such as at the start of Lieutenant, this does not seem to be an abnormal state; and when he finally arrives at wealth and success, he constantly wishes to go back to the days when he was a penniless lieutenant, so from this we might also surmise that he did not come from wealth. (I'm also comparing especially to Jack Aubrey, who, while he admittedly makes a hash of coming into large amounts of money, and who also lives perfectly happily on very little, is clearly quite comfortable being the "lord of the manor" by comparison.)

One of the biggest changes in the second half of the series (from The Happy Return/Beat to Quarters onward) is that Hornblower's career comes into fruition; he becomes a decorated Captain, a member of the landed gentry, a Knight of Bath, a Peer, and finally an admiral, and marries into an enormously influential family. He's constantly in conflict about this, until he isn't: he wants to become someone powerful and important, except that he doesn't like the role once he gets it, and constantly wishes about the old days, then feels guilty for wishing for them. Most importantly, he seems to become less and less himself, his mental narrative getting more and more distorted as he tries to mold himself into the person he thinks he wants to be.

I don't think this is a particular novel interpretation, but I think that in light of this, the contrast between his marriage to Maria and his marriage to Barbara is very interesting. If he was an apothecary's son, his and Maria's marriage would make a decent amount of sense - they'd be from similar social backgrounds, and probably a reasonable match, if Hornblower's career had continued as expected. Hornblower feels comfortable around Maria at the start of their friendship and the very beginning of their marriage in a way that mirrors his comfort with the life he's living at that point - which is to say that he clearly knows and understands what's expected of him and how to interact, in clear contrast with later books. But on the other hand, for all that he originally does love Maria, Hornblower comes to find her to be coarse, unrefined, and boring, and feel that she is not good enough for the person he wants to become. It's at the point when he starts to feel that he's moved passed Maria that he begins to take on his new, ambitious, performative persona.

On the other hand, Hornblower feels stiff and uncomfortable around Barbara from the beginning of their relationship, notably for reasons of class, and even in later books, consistently sounds intimidated by her poise and upper-class untouchability. With Maria he doesn't feel enough for her; with Barbara he feels too much, an almost uncouth sentimentality. He craves Barbara's status like a man drowning, but can't hold up under the weight of what it would mean. They have very strong intellectual chemistry, but socially they are a disaster of a couple, and yet nonetheless, Hornblower continues with the marriage because it feels to him like the thing he ought to do, just as he ought to become squire of Smallbridge. He's so viscerally uncomfortable with his position in the later books in a way he wasn't even at the height of his earlier miseries, but he refuses to let himself admit that his ambitions might have led him astray.

I think it's also interesting that the relationship which Hornblower arguably finds the most fulfilling (or rather, it was written very poorly if Forester wanted to make it feel fulfilling for the reader, but nonetheless it was clearly meant to be the most fulfilling for Hornblower) is his relationship with Marie, who sits at a similar odd juncture to him. In the text, Forester says outright that Marie fulfills Hornblower's interest in upper-class women (ambition) while not intimidating him, yet still being a satisfying intellectual partner. Nonetheless, just as Marie and Hornblower can never actually end up together, Hornblower can never actually be comfortable with his position, and no matter how many times he tries to find solace in her, he is eventually forced to continue down the path that he began, making up with Barbara and fully taking up the mantle of Admiral and Peer of the Realm.

In short, I think that watching the way in which Hornblower's relationship with Maria evolves over the course of the early books and the way in which his relationship with Barbara takes up after that ends up being a very neat parallel to his own ambitions and class identity. With Maria he is at home, but bored and restless; with Barbara he gets everything that he wants, but feels like a fish out of water. I think that particular parallel is part of the particular tragedy of Hornblower - he can't ever be satisfied with the person he was, or the person he's become. But I think that adding in aspects of extreme class difference - even more class difference than the general trends of social mobility during this period - also helps to elucidate the fundamental tension which drives Hornblower forward as a character. The world he came from was too small for him; the world in which he moves now is far too big; but there's no in-between option. He has to choose what he wants to be, and sacrifice some part of himself in order to do that, and in light of this reading of him, I think that there's a lot of interesting dilemmas to be raised.

[a-minke-whales-tale]

Many Layers of Bookkeeping

We often talk about double bookkeeping, and how for a lot of us it can be quite distressing, but often I think "double" may not really express the pervasiveness of it in your life and how many layers deep it can really go. For me the layers of bookkeeping can often go three to six layers deep potentially more going on towards infinity.

There are probably different interpretations of the term double-bookkeeping, but I always read it as you essentially have two books one for your reality and one for how the humans decide reality is and keeping track of the two things at the same time.

The thing is that operating in that other reality the humans demand, it is not a neutral thing and it isn't a completely separate thing. You exist in these two realities at the same time, but the second one has impacts to -your- reality. You could argue this just alters the first reality, but in a way I think it almost makes a new reality or at least a new layer which you exist in which you would not have to if you did not have to double bookkeep in the first place.

The first book then is the core "delusion" as the humans would demand me to call it - in my case that I am a whale, I was born as one out in the sea to a whale mother, and that through some means and for some reason beyond my knowledge or understanding my body was twisted into a human shape. The second book then is this world we live in as the humans understand that, that no I am not a whale, I am in fact a human, with schizophrenia, and all those experiences are delusions and not real. The first is real to me, but the second I have to act on because the humans will punish me if I do not. Ironically this does in some ways make the delusion worse rather than dispelling it. Certain aspects like the belief that I must serve the humans and do what they want or they will hurt me are very much strengthened by the demand to double bookkeep because they -will- actually hurt me. In order to function effectively under this second world, which to the humans exists but is not how I experience the world, and to avoid the punishment that comes for failing to operate under the humans demands, I have to construct or understand these additional rules to help me survive and properly navigate the demands of double bookkeeping and hope I do not at any point mess it up.

For a lot of situations three deep does let us navigate the world. But there are a lot of situations where a fourth layer, or potentially six become necessary. There are a lot of people who are kind and do want to help, but they are not really prepared for the true depth of books one and three. So now you have a fourth layer basically asking, how much of layers one and three can this person accept? There is a certain amount many will sympathise but if you go into further detail, despite them asking you to and despite them saying they are prepared, there comes a point they will shut you down that it is not real, it is delusion, and that I should not feel the pain I do, or worse, they will get you hurt thinking they are protecting and helping you. This though happens with nearly every close relationship like family and friends but also as well doctors and therapists who are evaluating you. People want to know what is going on with you, and for many people, they do genuinely care about you, but cannot handle the world as we exist in it.

I tell my father almost nothing of levels one and three, our relationship has always focused on technical things, though they know of the zoanthropy, the schizophrenia, and of the whale feelings. My mother knows a bit more about the whale feelings and my desire to be in the sea and she knows of a "whale spirit" because explaining to her the extent of my reality would be difficult for her and she as well does not know the extent of my desire nor plans to return to the water. Even my companion and close friends who know about my experiences I have to be careful what I say and I really cannot tell them much.

But because of these risks, and the risk that if you share with them what they ask you that they might hurt you or simply choose to exit your life, you have to create rules for how you interact with them. But they know still that you are holding back from fully letting them in no matter how much they ask and how much they say they are prepared. And you now need to take this into account of this next layer of reality (number 6) of what they think they want versus what they actually do want and how they will react because they will notice that they are not being fully let in. This could arguable go back and forth on and on forever in layers of the mind of the reality you exist in, versus the humans, what this particular human thinks it wants, and what it actually wants, and how it will react to you not giving it what it thinks it wants.

With the layers of double bookkeeping you can never really get full support, you can never talk about an issue freely and openly. You can never really let someone in fully without them rejecting you, and yet because you close yourself off so they do not reject you or hurt you, they can see that they cannot truely get close to you, and in time will go away themselves. You cannot ever really get comfort because those moments one would get comfort are limited by the rules of the layers, and every interaction beyond layer three is a minefield of what you can do or cannot do as you desperately try to manage the layers and manage your relationship with losing your leg or worse.

Every interaction is so exhausting and still you can never truely connect to another. Even in the few places I do not have to double bookkeep, where I can express levels one and three, I struggle to really be fully open, to really be able to let go for levels 2, 4, 5, and 6 for fear how others might react and that I might lose the community I value and the only place I can express certain parts of 1 and 3.

That is why double bookkeeping is so stressful to me. It is the constant crushing weight of the managing of so many layers of reality at the same time, of understanding what you experience, what human society in general think is real, and what the person you are talking to is willing to accept and that the smallest error might lead to the end of your relationship with that person or of the limited freedom you are allowed. This mind game affects nearly every meaningful interaction I ever have, it affects every relationship, business, friends, companion, family. It is so pervasive in my life, and I do very much want to connect and share experiences with others, but it also becomes clear that you cannot really get close to others.

[quilloleander]

Underneath the Golden Gaze of God - Golden Sunset (Chapter 1)

D-16 is an ordinary security mech working in the archives. Aside from his troublemaking roommate and amica, Orion Pax, his life is as mundane as it could possibly be. Although, even as a sparkling, he's always had the weird ability to sense a presence that lurks and clings to every Cybertronian… except himself - a fact that he has never acknowledged to anyone except Pax. It was a mundane solar cycle when he noticed that he noticed the presence clinging strongly onto Pax, and that seemed like a sign of the end to come, for though he didn't know what the last days were like for those who disappeared - the presence in itself felt an omen of the end. If only knew that sometimes the end, didn't really mean death.

I know… I am disappointed at myself too skskskks

This is why I need to be held accountable everytime I start a new fanfic/project because my mind wanders off skskks. I promise I'll get to the High Guard + Sparkling Megatron one-shot book sksksk I can hold myself accountable I swear lmao. But yeah, you know the drill, you can tell which AU this is from sskskks.

I decided to write about it - like an actual multichapter fic - because it's actually nearing one year since I graduated college and I promised myself that I would only give myself a year since I graduated to take a break before I went to look for a serious job. I have since gotten my certificate (cause in my country, if you wish to work in a certain field, you need a certificate proving you're capable of working in that field - at least for the field that my college course is part of) and I need to start applying for jobs soon. So, while I had the free time, I decided to write the one fic that I do genuinely want to write a multichapter of since this is the one concept where I genuinely stayed up until 5am chatting in the opmeg server because I loved it so much lmao.

So yeah, this is the Sole Survivor Prima AU… combined with the Vessel Prima AU that a friend and I talked about. If you've read the previous fanfics, you already know what the Sole Survivor Prima AU is, but for the Vessel Prima AU… I'm going to keep that one a secret since it's the one aspect of the fic that is supposed to be a mystery (let's hope I can actually nail the mystery cause sometimes I worry I don't even nail the horror in my fics skskks).

If you're new here - to my Tumblr account/my old Tumblr accounts and this fic skskksk - and you don't know what the Sole Survivor Prima AU is (I have two other fics covering it but you don't need to read those cause they're technically disconnected one-shots from this multichapter one, though reading it will give more context to what's happening), essentially it's an AU where Prima survived Sentinel's ambush, killed him and the Quintessons, and came back to rule Iacon as the sole Prime. He is very unstable after the events of losing everyone he loves and I know most fanon interpretation makes him nice but I personally don't interpret Prima that way because I based his personality off Covenant of Primus (and he's honestly a bit of a bitch there), so he may come off as cruel and cold here. This is also an AU where Megatron/D-16 is Primatronus' sparkling because I like that idea (due to people joking that Megatronus is related to Dee due to them both being bucketheads) and because this is my fanfic and I get to decide the narrative.

So yes, hopefully you enjoy this. I plan to finish this fic at least before June 23 because that is when I need to start my job applications dying inside. I'll still be writing for the one-shot book though and I will be writing more fanfic, it's just that I may not have much time anymore after June 23 skskks - we shall see but I WILL finish that one-shot book because I promised and I am not breaking that promise.

Ao3 Link:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/66273385/chapters/170860012

================================================

It was a mundane solar cycle when he felt the strange shift around his amica. The sun had begun to set, casting long shadows across the apartment floor when Pax had come in after another shift at the archives. Dee was in the middle of preparing energon cubes for his own shift when the presence of the other mech bursting into the room startled him. He didn’t know why it did, as Pax always rushed into every room he walked in anyway, yet something about the gesture felt strangely off to him.

“Hey, guess what.” Pax sat down by the counter, his servos drumming against the metal as if he still needed to catch Dee’s attention. Trying not to roll his optics, Dee placed the last energon cube in his subspace, readying himself for whatever shenanigan Pax was about to curse his poor audials with. When it came to his amica, there was never a solar cycle where something didn’t happen in the archives. He wondered if what happened would explain why Dee felt strangely uncomfortable as he met Pax’s optics from across the room. “I’m not the newest archivist anymore, you know what that means?”

“You’ll be more responsible?” This time, Dee couldn’t help but roll his optics. He walked over to the counter, leaning against the edge as he stood next to Pax. He tried to keep the amusement out of his voice as he continued on, “Or do I still have to hide your aft every time you break into the archives during the lunar cycle?”

“You only had to help me hide once, and how were we to know that the head archivist would be giving a late night tour to Prima Prime?” Pax muttered out, his voice lowering as his optics shifted around the room. Dee couldn’t help the shiver that ran down his frame as Pax carelessly used the Prime’s designation. There weren’t any laws that forbade you from fully-mentioning the Prime, yet everyone knew to hold their glossa when they absolutely had to mention him. Only Pax, with his reckless attitude that Dee couldn’t help but be fond of, didn’t seem to care all that much. “It means I have more access now.”

Honestly, for all of Pax’s nonsense, Dee was proud of him. He’d been working as a security mech for the archives for a few cycles before Pax was ever an archivist. It had only been two cycles since Pax had started and already he was trusted enough to be given access to information only older archivists were allowed to know. Pax may sneak into the archives during the lunar cycle to read data he didn’t have a high enough clearance for, but there were some that even Dee couldn’t help him ever gain access to.

“That’s—”

“You’d like him, the new guy. He’s quiet like you and like a total rule-follower.” Pax cut him off, his excitement clear in his voice. Dee smiled, glad to know the sudden change in his work did not deter Pax from still being himself. “I think he recorded the entire orientation in his processor since he kept citing everything the head archivist mentioned when he introduced him around the archives. He’s an older mech though, said he worked in some old radio broadcast station before making the jump to the archives. I should ask Jazz if he knows him, you know how Jazz is about that old pre-Quintesson War technology. The new guy said his designation was Wave so maybe he’s some famous mech or something… even if he is, he’s friendly and keeps to himself like you. Hey! I should introduce you two.”

“Pax… no…”

Dee tried to hide the wince in his voice.

“Deeeeeeee, you’ll like him, I swear. I know you, so trust me, I know you two will get along.”

“Pax, maybe focus on your job instead of trying to meddle with my social life. You’re the only friend I need.” He placed a servo on Pax’s shoulder, squeezing the metal slightly. It’s not that Dee didn’t trust Pax, and Dee liked some of Pax’s friends well enough, but he didn’t enjoy the constant interaction. It was a miracle of Primus that he even agreed to have Pax as his roommate. “I like the way my life is structured. I don’t need to meet your new coworker.”

He could tell Pax wanted to argue, so Dee quickly left the room before he could say another word. It’s not that Dee disliked other bots, but he never felt comfortable with others. Even when Terminus was still online, Dee couldn’t help but be wary of the mech, even if he was his creator. It was… the heaviness. Strange as it was, and he’s only ever told Pax about it, Dee felt as though there was a constant presence around everyone except for him. It wasn’t a constant thing, yet there were moments where he felt as though the air had shifted. There were countless times in his life where he could remember having a conversation with Terminus, and then it would feel as though they had an invisible audience, pressing in before inevitably disappearing. He knew he wasn’t crazy, for Terminus would always shudder when it happened.

Really, it was only Pax who had explained everything to him - and that was why Dee had trusted him enough to keep him as his closest friend, eventually even his roommate and amica. Terminus never tried to tell him, though Dee didn’t know why.

In Iacon, every bot felt the constant presence. It was… a simple part of life that Dee couldn’t understand. No bot went through life without feeling watched from time to time… except for Dee. He could feel the presence around others, yet never around himself.

Pax’s theory - though he’d only ever confided it with Dee - was that it was the Prime’s doing. Dee had found it blasphemous at the time but… there are rumors. There are certain rules, not written ones, to be followed and breaking them usually leads to disappearances.

For instance, everyone knew it was best not to bring up the rest of the twelve Primes. Even mentioning any of them by designation could lead you into trouble. Dee had known many bots in the archives who had gone missing a few astrocycles after they had accidentally dug into information regarding the Primes. That’s why Dee worried for Pax a lot. He wasn’t afraid of talking openly about the other Primes and even wanted to find out what had happened to them on the surface all those cycles ago. He knew that there would come a time where Dee would never see Pax again. He’d walk back into the apartment after a long shift in the archives, and Pax would just be gone. Maybe Dee would even be arrested or disappear with him since, even though Dee knew it was dangerous, he couldn’t help but listen to Pax’s ramblings about the Primes.

Pax was curious, and Dee didn’t fault him for that. If he did, he would have called the enforcers on him during the first lunar cycle they had met. He could still remember how Pax had broken into the archives through the vents, and how Dee had nearly shot him thinking he was an intruder - which he was, but Dee didn’t want to explain to the head archivist why he had shot his newest hire. Pax had begged him not to say a word, trying to convince him that he was only there to look through a few datapads that he wasn’t allowed to look at yet due to his low clearance. He had sounded sincere enough that Dee felt bad denying him.

They’ve been friends ever since… even if Pax did stress out his processor most of the time.

Which is why… Dee glanced back into the refueling quarters, catching a glimpse of Pax as he walked around - preparing a cube of energon for himself. He stood by the door panels, hiding around the corner even though he knew from his chronometer that he only had a few minutes before he needed to head for his shift at the archives. Dee couldn’t force himself to move, a roiling feeling in his tanks preventing him from doing so. When Pax had entered the room, Dee had already sensed the shift in the air. There were times when the presence did appear when Pax and Dee were together, yet this was the first time it had stayed for so long.

Breaking his view of Pax, Dee’s optics turned to the unlit living quarters where he was currently hiding in. Over the cycles, it hadn’t changed as Dee hadn’t moved anything even after Terminus’ passing. Only a few colorful ornaments - that Pax had brought along with him when he had moved in - brought a freshness to the room that Dee couldn’t help but love. Terminus had been a simple military mech, and had kept to that habit even after he had retired. Dee never minded his creator’s lackluster decorating skills, though he was a bit ashamed to admit that he preferred the brightness and life that Pax had brought with him. Even if Pax had a terrible habit of not cleaning after himself, as evidenced by the many datapads that were displayed on the couch and on the tables that they were nearly falling off the edge, Dee preferred it like this. Ever since Terminus passed, the entire apartment had felt as though it had grayed along with him.

“Dee?” His protoform nearly jumped out of his kibbles as he turned around to see Pax at the door, a half-eaten energon cube in his intake as he looked at him with wide blue optics. He quickly swallowed down the energon cube, leaving a few crumbs of it on his face that Dee nearly reached over to wipe them off. Even with the innocent look on his amica’s face, Dee couldn’t help but shudder as the presence continued to wrap around Pax - refusing to leave even though it had never done that before, staying for too long. Dee wanted to panic. He didn’t know what happened to those who disappeared, but did the presence linger on them until they inevitably went missing? “Won’t you be late for your shift?”

“I was… thinking.” Dee ran a quick diagnostic test through his systems, mostly his weapon system. He knew from his chronometer that he needed to go now but his pedes remained where they were as he continued to look at Pax. “Pax, did you do anything recently? And I’m serious… don’t you… feel it?”

Pax stared at him blankly, his dermas set into a confused frown. From his stare, it looked as if he was more concerned for Dee. He tried not to show his agitation, yet Dee couldn’t help but place a servo against his hip plates, impatiently waiting for Pax to drop another one of his mishaps on him. Dee was used to his antics, and had even gotten him out of a few of them since Terminus had been friends with the head archivist who owed him a few favors. Dee had never needed those favors since he took his job seriously, but if it meant keeping Pax out of trouble, he didn’t mind using them. Still, if there was one consequence that Dee couldn’t protect Pax from, it was somehow gaining the ire of the Prime himself. No one who caught the attention of the Prime ever escaped his retribution… at least that’s what the rumors and the many disappearances seem to claim. 

“No… Are you sure you’re okay, Dee? You know, you could use your sick leave from time to time. You’re a hardworking mech, you could use a day off once in a while.” Pax approached him, placing a servo on Dee’s shoulder. It should have assured him, but Dee’s processor clung to the fact that Pax didn’t feel the presence - when he usually could before. He didn’t know what had changed, but Dee did not like it. He didn’t like the idea that he might leave in a few kliks only to come back a few joors later to find he was alone again… “You look like you have a lot on your processor, and at this rate, you’ll be late for your shift… We can talk about it over some Strat Ball.”

“Pax…” He trailed off, unsure of what to say. If he told Pax about the presence… Dee had never brought attention to it before while it was around… “Promise me one thing.”

“Yeah?” Pax followed him to the front door, his helm tilting to the side as he kept his servos at his side, though they were twitching as if Pax wanted to stop him from leaving. He knew how he must have looked to his amica, as if he was terrified but trying to keep on a brave face. He didn’t know how to tell Pax that he was scared he’d come back, and Pax would be gone. “You know I’ve always got your back, Dee. What’s wrong?”

“You have my commlink.” He tried to keep his voice even as he pressed the button to open the door panels. Even so, he lingered at the entrance, the sun glinting off his silver frame and illuminating the gold of his optics. “If anything happens…”

“Pssh, Dee, you know me. If anything happens, I’ll disappear so fast they won’t even be able to find me. Now, go on before you blame me for being late.” Pax gave him a little wink, wrapping an entire arm around him as he flashed him a cheeky grin. Dee tried not to laugh as the crumbs of remaining energon still clung near his dermas. 

He reached out to wipe some away, earning a blush. “Fine, stay out of trouble, Pax. I mean it!”

—

The overhead lamps had begun to illuminate the darkening streets by the time Dee had begun his long walk to the archives. As a tankbot, he knew it didn’t matter if he transformed into his alt-form as he was not forged for speed. He hadn’t bothered trying to catch the train from the Kaon District to the main heart of Iacon City, knowing that he had already missed it. As he raced down the path towards the archives, he kept his gaze forward though occasionally he looked up towards the sky. Being underground, there was only a slim chance of catching sight of the stars from the holes that punctured through the surface - yet that wasn’t what Dee was trying to catch a glimpse of. He rarely had the opportunity, since he didn’t make it a habit of running late to work and Terminus never liked it when Dee looked out too much at the windows, but he knew that it was during these times that the High Guard seekers would return to their base.

And he was right, as his gold optics caught a glimpse of them flying just overhead of him.

—

By the time he had reached the archives, the only light present was from the streetlights outside. There were red lights inside, but from an outside perspective, it usually meant that the archives looked like an imposing metal fortress. It was only during the solar cycle that it shone with all the brilliance of its architectural design - modelled after the paint colors of Alpha Trion himself and constructed by Solus Prime herself, though that was a fact that Dee had only heard from Pax since Dee had never actually seen the archives during the solar cycle due to his shift in the lunar cycle. He felt his pedesteps were loud against the pavement as he rushed up the marble steps, venting hard as he glanced around in the darkness for the head archivist. She usually waited for him before she went home for the lunar cycle, yet with Dee being late, he wondered if she had just decided to lockdown the archives and leave without seeing if he would show up.

“Inquiry: You are D-16?”

He snapped his helm in the direction of the voice, noting how monotone it was before he finally found the source of it. An older mech stood by the entrance to the archives, his arms crossed in front of him. From the little light that reflected off of his frame, Dee could see he had a blue and white paint job - though his chassis was made from orange glass. These were the details he focused on the most since he couldn’t tell what the other mech was thinking. His dermas were set into a thin line, and his optics were hidden underneath a pair of orange visors that Dee didn’t know if he was upset at Dee’s tardiness or if he didn’t care and just wanted to go home.

“Yes…” He couldn’t keep the wariness out of his voice as he approached the strange mech. Dee considered himself to be one of the bigger and taller mechs, yet he felt a bit small as he stood near the stranger. Somehow, Dee could tell that there was something peculiar in the way this other mech stood - almost stiff. Even without being able to see his optics, Dee could feel the mech’s sharp gaze on him - particularly on his face as if he was trying to commit it to his processor. He kept his stance guarded, his weapon system ready in case he needed to defend himself. It wouldn’t be the first time some crazy mech tried to break into the archives - surprisingly, it wasn’t just Pax doing it but at least Pax was an actual archivist. “Can I help you?”

“Inquiry: You are the security mech for this shift?”

“Yes.” He crossed his arms, and narrowed his optics. “Why do you ask?”

“D-16: Late. Head archivist: Tasked Wave to hand you security card.”

Before he could process his embarrassment, the older mech reached out a servo to him. In between two digits, the familiar glint of the archive’s security card caught Dee’s gaze. He tried to keep his shame out of his face as he quickly took the card from the other mech. Dee didn’t fault the head archivist for leaving ahead since he was the one who was late, and she probably had a conjunx and sparkling to get back to - yet he felt a tinge of awkwardness knowing that she had asked the newest hire to wait for him just to give him the security card. He knew it was a terrible first impression - not that Dee usually cared about that since he didn’t meet a lot of bots anyway, but it was precisely that reason why he felt so ashamed. Even moreso knowing that Pax and this new mech may become close friends and he may dislike Dee for keeping him this late.

“I’m not usually this late.” He tried, wincing at how defensive he sounded. “I promise this won’t happen again. Thanks… for waiting.”

Even though he really shouldn’t, Dee cared a lot about what other bots thought of him. He didn’t know anyone aside from his creator’s old friends, Pax, and Pax’s friends. If he wasn’t at work, he mostly kept to himself in the apartment. So it stung to think this mech may think he was incompetent at his job when Dee couldn’t even properly explain why he was even late.

Before he could begin to apologize, or maybe run past the other mech and lock himself in the archive, the quick movement of blue in the corner of his optics made him lean back. Orange visors stared down at him, as if suddenly very interested in him.

“Inquiry: Your designation is D-16?” He asked again, his dermas set into a thin line. “Inquiry: There is no deception in your statement?”

Dee felt his faceplates shift as his servos clenched into fists. He knew it was an unconventional designation, and up to this point, he never knew why Terminus had kept his designation as D-16 - which Pax had theorized may have been an impersonal identification provided by the orphanage that Terminus had taken him from. Still, he was proud of his designation and didn’t like it when people pointed it out. He reset his optics, trying to keep the impatience from his voice as he answered back, “Yes. It is D-16. You met an Orion Pax a few joors ago, he’s my roommate. He calls me Dee. My close friends call me Dee. I think he mentioned you, is your designation really just Wave or is that not your main designation?”

“Wave: Will not confirm or deny.”

An uncomfortable tension filled the air around them, though Dee wasn’t sure if only he felt it. He wasn’t usually confrontational, but he didn’t take disrespect so lightly, especially if it somehow came around to somehow insulting his creator. He didn’t know why Terminus kept him as D-16, but it was one of the few keepsakes he had left of him. A designation, no matter how strange, held meaning and love behind it - and he knew how much Terminus had loved him.

Without sparing the other mech another glance, Dee walked past him and into the archives, ensuring that he locked the door behind him as he did.

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Status Report on the Ongoing Investigation Against Orion Pax

Main Investigator: Commander Soundwave of the High Guard Intelligence Division

Priority Level of Investigation: High

Subject in Question: Orion Pax

Basic Information Regarding Subject:

Current Designation: Orion Pax

Current Status: Single

Current Function: Archivist at the Iaconian Archives

Current Residence: Apartment within the Kaon Section of Iacon City, shared with another mech designated as D-16.

Main Notes of the Investigation:

Orion Pax: Guilty of Accessing Confidential Information and Conspiracy to Commit Treason

Under orders from Prima Prime, an investigation was launched against Orion Pax under the allegation of accessing confidential information, which is considered treason under the laws established by Prima Prime. Preliminary investigation has proven these allegations correct.

Current Measures to be Taken: Reconnaissance mission to further investigate the extent of the crime. Undergoing “Wave” identity as a new archivist in the Iaconian Archives to determine if Orion Pax will utilize the opportunity to delve into more restricted data.

“Wave” has established friendly connection with Orion Pax and will maintain connection until further evidence is gathered to charge a conviction.

Supplementary Notes:

During investigation, “Wave” established connection with D-16 - Orion Pax’s roommate and a security mech in the Iaconian Archives. D-16 observed to have gold optics.

Soundwave Request: Launch a separate investigation on D-16.

[spottheantisemitism]

The baffling antisemitism of whistle

Worried teens didn’t read DC comics, dc launched a YA line of Aus. Most were decent like the one about Dick Grayson and the circus stuck in the 20s and Harley Quinn: Breaking Glass. Some were derivative like the Mera one being a modern Little Mermaid clone that’s enemies to lovers or Nubia real one not being groundbreaking if you've ever read an X-men book (but Nubia is very much overhated by comicsgaters). Some are infamously bad drivel like I am not Starfire and Gotham High. Some were just boring like Victor and Nora or A Jessica Cruz story. A few are hauntingly good like the one about a teenage Selina Kyle and how her abusive parents and homelessness drive her to joining a gang and then becoming a thief. The Teen Titans books hit jackpot by doing the MCU thing and introducing each member by themselves in a solo book and then having a team book. Some of the choices in Raven are cheesy but the book hits its stride by Robins.

Sadly this is not about the teen titans reboot. This about Whistle which I’d say is decently entertaining but never feels hard hitting enough to be good. Also beast boy is here but he’s just some Nigerian immigrant who is our Jewish protagonist’s love interest. The Garth in franchise crossover at least has his powers and loving parents who tried to ‘fix his shapeshifting ’ with medication without his knowledge (I’m sure many disabled and intersex people might relate to that plot). Here he is a satellite love interest. The boy for Whistle to chase and win over with no personality of his own. And all of her Jewishness in relation to pain and give her a antisemitic powerset.

It’s an Ok book. Willow Zimmerman is a student, activist with two jobs working hard to afford cancer treatments for her mother so mom can go back to work. It’s bleak actually.

Yeah…. It’s bad.

Notice how the comic explains what a mitzvah is and implies her mother essentially pidgeonholed as the ‘Jewish studies’ professor.

It’s actually a pretty decent “gotham civilians book” at first.

That has teen romance!

It has daily life with foreshadowing of future villains (note Killer Croc being literal blocks away)

Willow better be joking about the 500 synagogue because either Gotham has more Jews than New York or the local Rabbis got into a fight and the resulting sects created so many separate synagogues

Are you enjoying all the Jewish food in this comic? Good, cuz that's the Jewish culture you'll ever get.

And dealing with supervillain attacks. Here it’s poison ivy taking over buildings that bring communities together for ecoterrorism you can show in a teen book and makes sense from both an eco and terror standpoint.

Oops you befriended the civilian identity of the supervillian you’re protesting against

Her mom’s ex boyfriend was the riddler. A lot of people see Willow calling E. Nigma uncle and his birth name being 'nachtberger' and decry “omg they made Riddler Jewish” but like no? She’d mention that. It would be great foil potential if so even if you had yet another comic supervillain retconned as Jewish. What I’m getting here is he’s Willow’s dead beat bio dad. I'm joking, that's just my interpretation, not actual hard literary analysis

he certainly acts like a father figure. If any writers remember her, she’ll likely be retconned as his daughter anyway. I’m not saying I want that, by the way, just that it'll happen eventually.

When your mom’s bad friend suddenly shows up in your life with a questionable stash of cash and promises to pay for everything….

she then lies to her mother about where the money came from.

Impoverished Jewish teen turns to organized crime to make ends meet is so realistic it hurts. This book is actually good so far

If she’s that poor the money going straight to her head is actually realistic. The whole subplot that she now has to choose between the blood money and her friends is played out fairly realistically. Like many Jews before her, Willow is pushed here by desperation.

notice also she’s attempting to straighten her hair. Because of course she is. It's a way a lot of Jewish women have attempted to assimilate.

Poison Ivy and possibly Cat Woman telling Willow to stay in school and go to college because she’ll like higher education and possibly meet someone is funny. Especially since they’re really gunning for the implication that the second woman is reminiscing about the hot lesbians she met at college.

Yeah I do like that Naomi (Willow’s mom) is actually interesting when given any agency and not being the equivalent of the sick kid motivation. Garfield is also kinda just the guy a genderflipped girl for Willow to win after she saves the world. He’s not even beast boy. He doesn’t even like animals. He seems to like Willow and cool new American things he discovers. Whenever he talks about himself or Lagos, it cuts to black (that's not a joke, it literally happened twice).

Willow’s life lesson about not caring about money more than people is executed well however. So after realizing her crush thinks she’s a monster, Willow goes to a synagogue to think.

Oh this is a Christian viewpoint. A can never wander into a synagogue especially in a place like Gotham. I know this comic doesn’t want to touch antisemitic hate crimes with a ten foot pole but in comic about poverty and building vandalism, this an oversight.

the way she ponders on her sins is very Christian too. You can’t just transplant the classic “character wanders and empty church and repents” plot beat with a Jew, an atheist Jew especially.

The final one is especially egregious. Couldn’t have used something from the torah or the talmud and slap righteous onto a quote from a motivational poster. Do some actual fucking research comic. Oh right you couldn't bother to research Nigerian culture to give our Nigerian love interest some depth besides virtue signalling of course you didn't bother researching Judaism.

Willow may be explicitly secular but her mother is religious and a Jewish history professor, she'd know religion and actually recite something from proverbs or psalms and not a motivation poster that has a kitten on it.

Killer Croc calls Willow a class traitor outside a synagogue. No notes, 10/10 symbolism. Oddly relevant as this shit actually happens to real life jews now.

Sadly this symbolic culmination is where everything goes to hell. Because Willow has dog powers now. From being attacked. By a crocodile man.

WORST. ORIGIN. STORY. EVER.

Do not um actually me about some dumb silver age villian. Those were churned out to make a quick profit. This is a serious comic about poverty and gentrification.

Killer Croc being a misuderstood hero should have come up in the climax where he either tries to help her fight riddler or is disgusted that she's not doing good enough it would have intersting allegorical perspectives either way.

At least Willow is smart enough to see her friend Pammie is Poison Ivy. Good subversion of the whole "friends as civilian identities because they don’t recognise each other as supervillian and superhero". Also it’s kinda fucked up that Willow only starts taking the building greening personally when it affects her and a building used by her people. It’s falling into “Jews only care about themselves” canard.

So she can hear and smell better. Cool! Symbolic of the hypervigilance of PTSD.

She can talk to her dog friend because of COMICS BULLSHIT. But ok she’s a Disney princess who has a talking animal sidekick. This will appeal to younger readers. Kitty Pryde had Lockheed, Willow Zimmerman has Leibowitz. It’s fine, I guess.

Ok comic you can have this one. Even it’s a stereotype that Jews will survive something and then victim blame themselves, it’s also very much true that many real life Jews actually do that. I did it too.

She just survived gang violence and terrorism (the latter from someone she thought was a friend) and everyone thinks she’s an exotic oddity instead of showing compassion.

Notice her hair is curly again.

Training montage that reinforces she’ll be a street level hero who trained for strength and her powers are more used to spot crime, not fight it.

Good on the comic for portraying her plotting to double cross him as a good thing. Guys they’re asking you to cheer on Jewish girl betraying her goyische employers because he’s a corrupt mob boss. Love that.

and nope Killer Croc is ARRESTED OFF SCREEN. Boring!

We have Kitty Pryde at home. Like the costume montage is identical to the one where Kitty play around with a costume making machine during the brood saga. The fact that Willow could knock out Excalibur era Kitty, steal her outfit and convincingly look like her is not helping.

I understand that most Jewish women look exactly like, hell, I could easily cosplay both but considering they have identical personalities as well (snarky, smart, socially akward, clothes savvy), it really seems DC is scrambling for an alternate company equivalent to Kitty Pryde.

The problem is that our protagonist has the power to summon dog with whistling. Our Jewish protagonist has the power of Dogwhistle.

guys…..

could a sensitivity reader not have told you this was a BAD idea?

and no she doesn't defeat the Riddler they have a stalemate between Poison Ivy and Willow's dog army and she vows to get him next time, all while still taking his money.

between the idea that Judaism is when synagogues, inspirational quotes and Askie food, our brown characters are all vapid and in love with main lead’s intelligence, racism is obvious. This book deserved better than such careless mistakes.

So essentially between the racism towards the love interest, her baffling antisemitic powerset, the uwu shake a lemon at G-D in the denny’s parking lot take on judiasm and trying to make Willow look smart by having everyone act like idiots in comparison this book really misses the mark.

Which is a shame because I found myself relating to Willow in ways I didn’t see myself in firmly middle class model minority Kitty Pryde. Maybe if in the sequel where she is revealed to Riddler’s daughter only to have that be him messing with her and she's not actually his daughter, they’d hire a Jewish sensitivity reader and it would actually be good.

[manikas-whims]

Since Xavier is so little prince coded is mc the lone rose 🌹 back on his planet or the fox 🦊

Ohhh wow Anon..I didn't want to think too much on this, mostly because I read The Little Prince like..years ago and the plot isn't that coherently in my head but let's see..

The obvious interpretation can be..

Xavier is the little prince, traveling through the space, wandering on all these planets, learning something new everyday, learning from the people he meets and in turn teaching them something as well..

Queen MC should represent the rose, the Prince’s beloved whom he has left. In the book, the Prince leaves the Rose due to her vain, proud and naive behaviour. But here in Love and Deepspace, the Prince has left his beloved in order to save her from the fate destined for her..In a way, the rose has always been the major source of motivation for his travels..

Then..that must imply that the Fox represents the current timeline MC? In a way, yeah you could say that. The Fox becomes a dear friend and teaches the prince the significance of people in his life. About how one person in this sea of so many, becomes important because of the connection we share with said person, and the time we spend cultivating said relationship with them. The Fox calls this “taming”. According to the fox, “to tame means to establish ties.”

“If you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world.” says the Fox.

And since Xavier has left his planet, as well as his timeline and met the current MC, they both have been slowly taming each other i.e. they've been slowly establishing a bond with each other with every encounter and moment spent together in the main story.

Now in The Little Prince..

The Fox teaches the Prince the importance of ties and significance of one person compared to the rest around them:

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

And the Fox makes the Prince realize how dear his beloved Rose is to him, and that he has a responsibility towards the Rose:

“You mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.”

So if Love and Deepspace writers take the same route..

then in accordance, there will come a point that Xavier might have to leave the current MC and go back to his own timeline’s Queen MC (which is exactly what he came back in time for) because he has a responsibility. And the responsibility in this context is that he vowed to himself that he'll save her life. Get her out of this cursed fate of dying and being brought back to life over and over for the sake of a planet.

BUT!

THIS IS A CHINESE OTOME GAME! And yes while that justifies nothing, I firmly believe that it is highly unlikely that the game might follow this route..

..simply because Xavier himself has never acted as such. He's been nothing but protective towards the current MC. He's been killing his own ex-teammates from the Backtrackers in order to protect MC. And he doesn't hesitate in doing so which in itself cement his standpoint and his feelings towards the current MC.

Also, I believe that..IN ESSENCE, QUEEN MC AND CURRENT MC HAVE THE SAME SOUL, AND ARE THE SAME PERSON.

So our MC doesn't need to be the Rose or the Fox. She most likely is both a cherished friend and a lover to Xavier because she is afterall, the same person. With the amount of times she's died (or forced into dying), it's obvious that the Queen MC from Xavier's actual timeline could very well be the current MC who's died so many times that in a distant future, she is reborn and exists in the same era as the one that Xavier comes from.

My word is not absolute, and this is still a very rough way to put it all into words. But I do firmly believe that that one thing that the antis keep using to antagonise Xavier will not come true because he's always been in love with ONE person and our MC as well as the Queen MC are THAT one and the same person.

» But hey! If Xavier does betray current timeline MC, then we might possibly get a plotline/route like I posted about [HERE] and I am not averse to that.

[pumpkinmetaphor]

Ouran, Performance, Audience

Okay I said I was going to write this and I can't look at it anymore so posting. Anyway, performance in Ouran is interesting and we’ve all been chatting about it lately. Each character puts on an “act” for the guests, each character puts on another “act” for the people around them. It’s a testament to how well the characters are written that we can unravel these performances throughout the text. I still think there’s several levels of reading the characters and the text as well. 

Ouran is satire- hence why they’re essentially parodying these archetypes. But Ouran is also self-aware, self-referential, and meta. Characters break the fourth wall. They’re, at varying levels, aware of being in a story. We have characters who obviously break the fourth wall (Kyoya looking right into the camera in episode 1, for example. I would say Tamaki’s “homosexual supporting cast” speech, except it’s kind of an anomaly for him) and characters who are resistant to any sort of self-reflection that might lead them to any sort of conclusions like this (Hikaru.) I will at one point go through the entire manga again and count how many times each character narrates– which, to my recollection, is uncommon outside of Haruhi (MC obvs, and framed as talking to her mother) and Kaoru (framed as talking to himself/ the audience/ Hikaru-that-lives-in-his-brain) but I could be misremembering.

This is generally played for comedic effect. Tamaki breaks the fourth wall when it’s funny. Kyoya plays dumb about plot conventions (such as “we have birthdays here?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”) when it’s funny for him to do so. 

Anyway that’s just my setup. I want to discuss the Paris Arc, specifically whatever is going on with Kaoru. 

Read More because this is 2k words.

Kaoru is an interesting character because I think the performance is a little more pronounced. There’s reason to interpret he generally controls the scripts, his host club act is a bigger deviation from his natural personality, and fundamentally, as a person, Kaoru is less solid in his sense of identity. 

Which does kind of beg a question. The version of Kaoru the host club girls get is clearly fake. But the Kaoru most people get is some form of a mask. Kaoru reflects Hikaru– which is what Hikaru needs until Kaoru fears he doesn’t. Kaoru seems to take Haruhi’s assertion that he’s the “less evil one” to heart. I think neither Hikaru or Kaoru know what Haruhi is going to say is the difference between them in Episode/Chapter 5 because they themselves don’t know– aside from this very philosophical “well the one who is you is the one who is not me and the one who is not you is me etc.”

Anyway, we all kind of understand the general baseline– Hikaru is going to grow up, fall in love, and spread his wings– Kaoru is afraid this means Hikaru will leave him behind. This is the plot. 

But I think a lot of this comes down to “the thing they won’t be able to share,” which is presented to us in the form of that cookie. Haruhi notes that Kaoru will just give whatever it is to Hikaru. Hikaru ultimately snaps the cookie in half and forces Kaoru to take half of it anyway. This kind of embodies the fundamental difference between them, in my book. 

(Ch. 45, various spliced together pages) Hikaru: It is literally not on Hikaru’s radar that there might ever be anything that he and Kaoru do not share. He does not conceive this on any level before the Paris Arc. Kaoru will literally always be here, he is a constant that Hikaru cannot conceive losing. Hikaru’s not afraid of Kaoru abandoning him– he may be, afraid something will happen to Kaoru that will take him away, but he’s not afraid of Kaoru choosing to leave. Why would he? Kaoru is the one person who cannot betray him. 

Kaoru: It is a given that Hikaru will one day leave. It is simply the only way. Hikaru will grow up and, for various reasons, Kaoru will not grow with him. And Hikaru will choose to leave– this will not be a betrayal, it’s just how life works when you’re not the main character in your story. Your carriage turns back into a grubby ole pumpkin and you’re left all alone. 

After the cookie scene, Kaoru tells Hani that he has feelings for Haruhi. This is, in my opinion, when Kaoru takes the reins of the narrative. Of the carriage, so to speak. The carriage in the anime exists on the condition that no one acknowledges that they’re in a love story and “breaks” the found family. Kaoru saying he’s in love with Haruhi steers the narrative on the course to the inevitable. 

Which is great!

Except is Kaoru in love with Haruhi? 

My hypothesis: it literally doesn’t matter. Kaoru’s feelings for Haruhi do not drive the narrative. Kaoru talking about it does. He could be lying. He could be mistaken. He could be genuinely in love with her. It could be an idle crush. It doesn’t matter. It’s the performance of this love for the appropriate audience (aka: Hani, Hikaru etc.) that matters.

I think the base reading of this arc is that the cookie is Haruhi. Haruhi is the one thing they can’t share, right? They can’t like, keep eating biscuits out of her mouth and licking her face if Hikaru wants her to be his girlfriend and Kaoru wants her too. While I don’t think it’s incorrect to read this as a concern Kaoru has, I don’t think it gets to the heart of the issue. 

So, performance!

Kaoru puts on his little act for Hikaru throughout the Paris Arc. Generally tormenting him, ostracising him. In a way giving him a taste of what Kaoru goes through in a zillion Hika/Haru fanfictions or Kaoru’s own nightmares. This culminates in the date, where Kaoru basically brings Haruhi on the date he asked her on first (before giving it to Hikaru) and hitting every single mark that Hikaru missed. Not that anyone is enjoying themselves regardless to be honest. 

And of course, at the end, he kisses her and Hikaru sees and runs off upset. 

Except we, the audience, know Kaoru kisses Haruhi on the cheek. It’s a clear enough stage kiss from the art. Just close enough for us to understand that, from Hikaru’s perspective, Kaoru kissed her on the mouth. We’re bystanders, watching this plot unfold. Hikaru is Kaoru’s intended audience– that’s who he’s performing for. 

So what’s the difference then between this scene.

And this scene?

Well, first: what else can be the one thing Hikaru and Kaoru can’t share? If you go one level further, I think you come to the conclusion that Hikaru is the one thing they can’t share. After all, Hikaru cannot keep giving half of himself, half of his time, energy, love, self etc. to Kaoru all the time, and grow up. They suffer a classic case of enmeshment. Kaoru determines that Hikaru needs to be shoved out of the nest– and that the only way to do that is to stab him in the back. 

I don’t think Kaoru is trying to make Hikaru hate him. I do think what he’s trying to do is make Hikaru realise that he’s a person? Who is capable of betraying him, just like any other person. As long as Hikaru believes that Kaoru is “the only person he can trust,” he’s never going to grow up. By knocking himself off that pedestal in Hikaru’s eyes, Hikaru is forced to see him differently and Kaoru is prepared to accept however Hikaru might feel about him in the aftermath (though assuming he’ll drastically distance himself). 

(Side note. I think Hikaru and Kaoru internalise their maid-related-trauma slightly differently. While Kaoru’s fear is abandonment, Hikaru’s fear is betrayal. They just manifest similarly because there’s a lot of crossover. This is sooo long already, I’m not getting into it unless someone asks lmao.)

Loop back to the image again then. What’s the difference here? Well, it’s still a stage kiss! They both are. But, with one fundamental difference. 

Image one, Hikaru is Kaoru’s audience. He is performing to trick Hikaru (and possibly anyone else, like Hani and Mori, watching). But reality is clear to us, the reader.

Image two, you are Kaoru’s audience. He is performing to trick you. (but reality is clear to Hikaru, the participant)

Like, that’s pretty in your face huh? Faces obscured in a way that you don’t infer it as a cheek kiss as easily as you do with Kaoru and Haruhi. It’s also on the left page of the physical edition, meaning you have to skip to the next page to see the aftermath:

Kaoru’s not just tricking the audience. He’s queerbaiting the audience. Typical.

Firstly, I do think one can be led to the conclusion that if the one thing they can’t share is Hikaru, not Haruhi, that means Kaoru is not in love with Haruhi but is in love with Hikaru. In fact, I think that’s kind of the point with these panels. It’s framed as a bait-switch, which only works if the audience misinterprets the kiss. My ultimate conclusion therefore is that there is no textual romantic incest occuring. It is enmeshment at a bare minimum though. But that's another topic, another day, for somebody else.

Secondly, I think this is because the audience is, regardless, on the wrong track. Or at least not the full track. We have access to the narrative when other characters don’t, but we’re still reading the story Kaoru is telling. We’re still the audience to his performance of the story. It’s easier for Kaoru to tell a story that’s all about his brother– he’s been doing it his whole life. He’s not the main character, after all. So he’s telling us a story where the one thing they cannot share is Hikaru, telling all the other characters a story where the one thing they can’t share is Haruhi. 

So the one thing they can’t share is something more nebulous. It’s the identity. 

Which feels like a contradiction in a way, because the identity is Hikaru, isn't it?

They can’t be one double act, split down the middle. They can’t be one seed sprouting two leaves. They can’t be two halves of one cookie, or two halves of one soul. And the problem is, Kaoru views everything as something Hikaru has split down the middle and shared with him– and now he has to give it all back. 

I don’t really think Hikaru views “their room” as being “his room, that I share with Kaoru.” But I think Kaoru does. I think Kaoru views everything as something Hikaru has shared with him, right down to his own personality, his own face. Hikaru cannot leave, cannot grow up, unless Kaoru stops pretending to be him and gives him the half of his identity back to make one whole, true Hikaru. 

Only problem is, Kaoru has to cut that tricky spare leaf off. After all, when he gives Hikaru back the identity, Kaoru won’t have one. Kaoru is defined as being “the one who is not Hikaru.” My brother is Hikaru. The one who is not my brother is me. And how do you define that? When your brother is no longer there, who are you? 

That’s why it’s important that Hikaru dyes his hair. Because I don’t think him dyeing his hair matters if the issue is Haruhi (Haruhi can tell them apart anyway). I don’t think it matters if the issue is Hikaru (this would not, in isolation, fix Kaoru's thought process). 

It is however enough for Hikaru to be able to illustrate to Kaoru that their identity is inherently interwoven, not necessarily shared. It doesn’t matter if Kaoru is the same as Hikaru or not– because Kaoru is who he is. That may have been affected by the fact that they’re twins, but his identity is not negated by it. Kaoru's identity is not inherently a performance just because it reflects Hikaru, and he doesn't lose it when he ceases to reflect Hikaru.

(breathes)

CAVEAT AS ALWAYS: I am reading the English translation. While it is the official Viz Media translation, something is always changed in translation, localisation, and interpretation. With the assumption that everyone here is reading the manga in English (sweeping assumption, sorry) this is therefore a reading of the text inherently coloured by the site of circulation (English translation, volume compiled) and the site of audiencing: aka the fact that I am an English-speaking, European, media studies/animation academic, speaking on an largely American blogging platform to the like, twelve Kaoru stans that follow me. It also means your interpretation may be very different to mine! Anyway If you read this far, congrats! You deserve a cookie– whatever that might or might not signify.

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

You said you prefer Nikolai and Alina more as a ship but wouldn't that still end up with Alina being in a place or position she never wanted? Alina doesn't like the responsibility of being a ruler and being involved in politics but she'll have to do all of that if she married Nikolai so wouldn't that end up in her being bitter and unhappy too? She already found his manipulative skills disturbing in s&s and they'd only known each other for a few weeks I think? Of all the men in her life, Nikolai is the one whom she's affected by the least. Idk but I like the idea of them together but I just don't see how they could be endgame.

Well, to some degree, it’s a matter of how you interpret the text. Nikolina works best for me as a narrative culmination of Alina’s arc, as a middle ground between what Mal represents for her (safety in the familiar; regression) vs what the Darkling represents (the corruption inherent to power; terrifying unknowns). I’ve said before, but I like the sort of uncertain idealism Nikolina signals, trying your best and hoping it works out, etc

Then it becomes a question of how you read Alina’s feelings about any of these things

Alina’s narration states that she basically can’t be happy in any situation except one where she’s left alone with Mal, but then textually she’s practically always upset when interacting with him, and in his behavior, meanwhile, it feels like his love and respect for her is pretty conditional and that he cannot be happy in a situation where she has more power and importance than he does. Personally, I would say that relationship reads more like something she clings to because she’s afraid of change, and because, for most of the trilogy, it represents an idyllic, simple vision of her life that is framed as entirely out of reach to her. Her being unable to accept anything else feels like a rejection of both like painful realities for her, but also growth

That isn’t to say that the counterpoint is that embracing growth would look like loving court politics and a royal life for her, but there is a degree to which her discomfort with it feels more like being unable to move on from that particular, unattainable vision

It, incidentally, goes hand in hand with the Darkling’s only acceptable vision of happiness for himself being complete control over an unattainable ideal of a Sun Summoner. One who will affirm all of his choices, and somehow emotionally fulfill him in every way. Alina, in being a person, has already guaranteed his dissatisfaction

These both read like standards that will simply never be met! And so the natural conclusion to a positive arc, in my opinion, would look like coming back to earth and discovering what kind of happiness actually exists and is sustainable for her. Where, the Darkling, as her dark (lol) mirror self, essentially, and the realization of the worst case scenario for her, is simply doomed to self destruct— which he does! Spectacularly!

Alina, frankly, reads clinically depressed to me. I’m not convinced there are many circumstances where she could be unambiguously happy all the time. But I do think that ties into the theme I am thinking of, about like building obtainable and realistic happiness for oneself

Meanwhile, beyond Alina’s stated single scenario for happiness, in the first book’s initial, chosen one, wish fulfillment fantasy, that’s later turned on its head, I think there’s a sneakier, and even more impossible standard of happiness for her where the Darkling is simply… not who he is as a person. One where he does not betray her and does not require her complete subjugation in order to coexist with her. In the core structure and concept of the book, in the Darkling functioning as a character, her ultimate wish fulfillment must be one where he isn’t so cruel

And I think Nikolai does actually represent a more realistic version of that

Nikolai is basically introduced in the trilogy as like “what if the Darkling was a thousand years younger, born to privilege, and had a sense of humor.” He functions as a direct foil and a more accessible version of the Darkling’s values that Alina can engage with in order to understand and relate to him more

With that in mind, in a lot of ways, Nikolina is actually a vector with which to engage with Darklina imo?

Anyway, I don’t actually read her as like uniquely perturbed by or unaffected by Nikolai, tbh. The books make a point of how well they get along, and it’s not nothing to me that of her three canonical love interests, he’s the only one she interacts with regularly that doesn’t make her personally miserable

I actually enjoy that their romantic scenes are bolstered by them otherwise liking each other (very low bar 😭) and that the main source of conflict for them is external and circumstantial rather than interpersonal. And the implication of them having achieved a new level of understanding through shared/adjacent trauma after Nikolai is transformed back into himself at the end of the third book, and has escaped the Darkling’s grasp, but with scars— like Alina herself— is a very romantic and poignant concept to me!

Anyway, while I don’t think she’d ever joyfully embrace court life, I also don’t view finding a version of ruling that she can live with as a bad resolution for her

[tevanbuckley]

Hey, there’s something I’ve been wondering for a while now. Why is it so important for (some of the) the bddie enthusiasts to show that their ship is secretly already canon?

I got into the show this year, after it got a lot of attention here on Tumblr, so I arguably joined the fandom at a strange time and might be missing some context/history. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen fans of a show (a good one or a bad one) have such a difficult relationship with the canonical before.

In my experience fandom and fan works have always been about supplementing the show (or book or whatever) itself. Whether that is rewriting parts of the story in ways that feel more satisfying to you, or speculating about how characters would act in a situation or relationship that we haven’t seen yet, or filling in the blanks in creative ways. (Or seeing two good-looking actors and thinking it would be hot to see their characters get it on, that’s fair too.) The show and the canonical events of the show are a starting point, but surely from there on out anything goes?

For a ship especially, I don’t think it needs to be canon to be compelling. I don’t think bddie needs to be justified through advanced exegesis to be enjoyable or valid.

So why does it seem weirdly personal to people? I understand really wanting the show to go in a direction that you find compelling, especially if it’s a ship you’ve been engaged in for a while and where you’ve read so many ways in which it could happen and how it would be like. But there’s a difference between hoping for something with all your heart, and divining it as an absolute prothetic truth read in the entrails of the show…

Why are some 911 fans struggling so much with this?

Something you need to understand about bddie stans is that a lot of them don't see it as "just" a fanon ship, and haven't for a really long time. I remember during earlier seasons i'd see posts defending the show from queerbait accusations essentially because "bddie isn't like all those other ships, they're actually gonna do it! we just have to be patient." And if that's your pov I can see why bi!buck would feel like the smoking gun that proves you were right all along.

Except that's obviously not what happened, by the end of s7 there was absolutely no indication bddie canon was on the cards, and the clearer that became the more they had to twist the evidence to match their theories. So you end up in this ridiculous paradox where the only way to satisfy their craving for the "status" of canon is to wilfully disregard what's actually happening on screen.

And ftr I don't think there's any one true/correct interpretation of canon, but "omg, buck and eddie experienced emotions in front of each other! bddie canon guys!" is not exactly compelling analysis imo.

Why've they become so fixated on canon? I think part of it is in the grand scheme of fanon slash ships, this feels like the closest anyone's gotten to "winning", and to a certain degree i get that desire. But at the end of the day, that's not really on tim minear. It's frankly insane to lay the task of making up for every shitty piece of queerbait at the feet of the guy who already took a massive swing by making one of his main characters bi seven seasons in.

[thosewildcharms]

Sorry I just finished rewatching both seasons of iwtv and I know it’s a topic that probably got beaten to death but what was your take on Antoinette? Lestat’s motivations are genuinely a mystery to me so as I understood it a huge reason of why their marriage fell apart was because Lestat simply could not let his paramour go even though it was the only thing Louis had asked from him. At first I thought he was just using her to provoke Louis, then it seemed he had a genuine personal attachment particularly when he insisted how she would be a much more complimentary ’third’ in lieu of Claudia, but then in s2 he speaks of Louis being the ruler of his heart and his only love. It’s whiplash lol Just curious as to how you interpreted Antoinette’s role in L&L’s relationship and how Lestat felt about her? Thankssss

Hi! No need to be sorry, thanks for the ask! This got a little long (who am I) so I'm putting it under a read more:

You're right, there is a lot of discourse around Antoinette for sure, at least on iwtvtwt which is mostly where I lurk (idk what the tumblr discourse is like tbh). My personal favorite take regarding Lestat's motivations with Antoinette are from theoceanblooms on twitter, who wrote this great thread that connects Louis' refusal to drink human blood with his internalized homophobia, and how this caused him to not only reject vampirism by essentially developing an eating disorder but to, unintentionally, reject Lestat as well. There are a few other threads that I haven't been able to find (if anyone finds them and can give credit please do) that connect this with Antoinette but basically: Lestat goads Louis with Antoinette as a response to that rejection.* He was trying to get Louis angry and jealous enough to drain Antoinette himself, which in Lestat's mind would a) help him overcome his inadequate and unhealthy diet (embrace his vampirism) and b) stake a claim on Lestat as his companion (embrace his queer identity) all in one go. Obviously this was a terrible plan and was never going to work and Lestat absolutely deserved the 'I heard your hearts dancing' moment that came approximately two minutes later lol but what I'm trying to say is that idk if Lestat was really trying to have an open relationship, at least at first. Like many have pointed out, show!Loustat are really not suited for polyamory. They are both VERY possessive and jealous.

Which is why I'm not quite sure I fully believe that Lestat claim that he "likes a little variety." While this is true in the books, and I of course have to leave room for season 3 to prove me wrong, the only affair we really see him have in s1 is with Antoinette, so I think it's more likely he kept her around for when he was feeling particularly lonely and/or rejected by Louis. We see him cheating with her whenever Louis is particularly distant, such as when Louis fell into his depression when Claudia left home, and when Louis and Claudia start speaking to each other extensively with the mind gift in 1x06. As Sam Reid said, Lestat "requires a certain amount of attention" and when it wasn't getting it at home he went elsewhere. So idk, maybe he was fond of her insofar as he enjoyed her company enough to spend time with her throughout the years instead of with a harem of other people? He's certainly less fond of her than he was of her book counterpart, Antoine, but again I hesitate to make any declarative statements about show!Lestat until we've seen season 3.

As for Lestat saying Antoinette would be a better third than Claudia, I look at this in two ways:

Taking the scene at face value, I think we can read this as Lestat being insecure about Louis and Claudia's relationship and seeing something about it that isn't there, which, if you've read The Vampire Lestat, is informed by his relationship with his own mother. In 1x06 Lestat tells Louis that he is "here in front of [you] with all the necessary appendages" which seems to insinuate that he believes Louis would prefer Claudia as a companion to himself. Ofc Lestat would prefer Antoinette as a third - he knows Louis doesn't give a fuck about her and all of his attention would be back on Lestat with Claudia out of the way lol but I also have trouble believing Lestat ever actually wanted Claudia dead which brings me to:

This scene didn't actually happen this way, and Louis's memory is either faulty** or has been altered by Armand. Rolin Jones's comment in the post episode commentary segment seems to insinuate this, and Sam Reid has also implied that he was able to play some scenes in season 1 as very over the top because they were not real, and this could be one of them (another one, I think, could be the train scene with Claudia). But until this is actually proven by season 3, I'm going to assume it happened as is.

Lastly I don't disagree that Antoinette is part of why their marriage fell apart, but she was was a symptom, not a cause. Their problems stemmed from both of them carrying a shitload of trauma that neither of them know how to explain or deal with which caused massive miscommunication and in Lestat's case, horrific and violent abuse. Ultimately I don't think Louis gave much of a fuck about Antoinette - he straight up says he knows Lestat would kill her in a second if Louis just gave him what he wanted (acceptance, both of Lestat and himself). He just also knew he couldn't give up what little ground he had in their relationship because Lestat otherwise had all of the power.

*In no way do I mean to imply that Lestat's behavior is at all justified or that his feelings of rejection were Louis' fault, or that Louis deserved any of this from Lestat even if he did intentionally reject him. ** In no way am I trying to imply that Louis is lying about this scene. At no point do I ever think Louis is lying, just misremembering due to trauma, manipulation, or simply because this all happened a century ago.

[thegambitgazette]

Know Thyself: How This One Exercise Shaped My Writing

“Know Thyself” Interpretations

Heraclitus: “It belongs to all men to know themselves and think well.”

Charles H. Kahn: this fragment echoes a traditional belief that “know thyself" had an essentially similar meaning to the second Delphic maxim, “nothing too much;” both sayings might be considered alternative ways of describing the virtue of sophrosyne.

Heraclitus defines sophrosyne as the art of “perceiving things according to their nature,” apparently referring to the perception of objective, material facts. If so, and if self-knowledge is the same as sophrosyne, then, as Kahn writes, “the deepest structure of the self will be recognized as co-extensive with the universe in general … so true self-knowledge will coincide with knowledge of the cosmic order.”

A fragment from Ion of Chios provides the earliest explicit reference to the maxim. It reads: “This ‘know yourself’ is a saying not so big, but such a task Zeus alone of the gods understands.”

“The unexamined life is not worth living” -Socrates

Soliloquies of Augustine: The book has the form of an “inner dialogue" in which questions are posed, discussions take place and answers are provided, leading to self-knowledge. The first book begins with an inner dialogue which seeks to know a soul. In the second book it becomes clear that the soul Augustine wants to get to know is his own.

The Consolation of Philosophy: Boethius writes The Consolation of Philosophy as a conversation between himself and a female personification of philosophy, referred to as “Lady Philosophy.” Philosophy consoles Boethius by discussing the transitory nature of wealth, fame, and power (“no man can ever truly be secure until he has been forsaken by Fortune"), and the ultimate superiority of things of the mind, which she calls the “one true good.” She contends that happiness comes from within, and that virtue is all that one truly has because it is not imperiled by the vicissitudes of fortune.

Meditations: Marcus Aurelius likely didn’t intend for Meditations to be published, as the work centered around his own self-analysis and self-guidance. Aurelius advocates finding one's place in the universe and sees that everything came from nature, and so everything shall return to it in due time. Another strong theme is of maintaining focus and to be without distraction all the while maintaining strong ethical principles such as “Being a good man.”

...to think that all of these classic works are “regular” people figuring themselves out. I decided to do the same.

Writing My Own “Soliloquy”

I’d like to clarify that I, in no way shape or form, see myself as this great thinker or philosopher or anything like that. I recognize that this practice is but one way to understand myself, especially since I struggle with mental health and a lot of spiritual questions (but that’s another topic).

In choosing to write my own soliloquy, I am becoming my own Devil’s Advocate. Like Boethius, I’ve decided to structure my journaling as if I am arguing with someone. I will choose a topic that I am passionate about or that I am having my own crisis over, such as “Why do I not believe I am a good person?” or “Why do I prefer logic over emotion?” or even “What draws me to classical paintings?”

What I found is that anything and everything that I am attached to says something about me on a deeper level.

Here is where it gets a little tricky: in continuing to argue with myself, I’ve found that I get better at coming up with counter points. In other words, this self-analysis becomes more and more complex the more used to it you get. It’s almost like you’re playing some mind chess and this fictional opponent, who is also you, as they are but your own Devil’s Advocate, is also getting better and learning with you.

But, to me, that is what makes this “Know Thyself” maxim important. You are not meant to have a full-fledged answer. We are constantly evolving and changing, as will our knowledge of how we perceive ourselves and how we perceive the world in response to it.

How It Affects My Writing

To start with the obvious, the character development and creation changes so much when you get to know yourself. At least, for me, the world becomes less and less black and white (not that it ever was black and white to begin with). Because of that, my characters become more dimensional.

I am no longer afraid to write controversy. There is a... debate, for a lack of better words, on the media literacy rate nowadays. Because of this, I would fear that, just because I wrote about it, people would assume that I am in support of it; or, for example, just because there is a mainstream focus on one demographic, that nuances of that focus cannot be written about (again, another topic).

However, writing my soliloquies reminds me that my work is meant to be a message from myself to the audience first and entertainment second.

As artists, authors, creators, etc., there is a danger in losing ourselves to appease the masses. There is the question of whether we should create what we want or stick to what is trending, and I’m not immune to that spiral, either.

In knowing yourself, you become your #1 advocate. You know what your boundaries are, what your morals are, and what your values are. It gets harder to allow those who don’t do that same work to sway your pen.

Closing Words

Whatever form that takes, get to know yourself. For me, that’s journaling whenever I can as if I’m debating with someone. Grab a journal meant specifically for this exercise and go crazy! No one’s going to read it (unless you become someone like Marcus Aurelius and your own version of Meditations comes out. In which case... sorry?)

Never stop challenging the way you think, too. It can be uncomfortable and hard, but change always is. Perhaps you will stick to your ideals, and that’s okay, too! Do not live life on the easy path.

As always, these exercises are not a substitute for professional or medical help. I will always encourage those who need it to seek therapy, as I believe it is a great tool to use alongside this exercise, should one feel inclined to do so.

[edenfenixblogs]

hey i saw the post about your cousin's bar mitzvah, and well first of all congrats to her. but also uh one thing you mentioned made me curious- what *am* i supposed to do should i find a dead body on the side of the road, if it's no problem for me to ask? not to worry you or anything like that but i guess it'd be useful to know if i pass a car crash on a road trip again.

Ah! What a good ask!!!! I see you committing to the act of learning more about Judaism as an act of allyship, and I appreciate you! Thanks so much for taking an interest.

Obligatory disclaimer: I’m not a biblical scholar or a Talmudic expert. I’m just a Jew who likes being a Jew.

So my Torah portion was in Leviticus. For those who don’t know, Leviticus and Numbers are often considered the doldrums of Torah books. It’s not where a lot of the well-known exciting parts happen. Those books generally contain a lot of lists of rules and mitzvot.

But this is actually why I like the way Judaism reads the whole Torah in order. It forces us to confront the “boring” stuff. And in so doing, we have to think harder about why that stuff is included in our books.

So that’s why my assigned portion was interesting to me.

The actual text basically says “don’t touch dead bodies.” But I remember reading the Talmudic scholarship which was especially interesting because its focus was to elaborate on all the exceptions and then talked about the importance of doing good deeds without a reward and not punishing those who need to do things like touch dead bodies.

The point of the text isn’t to condemn people who are doing the “forbidden” thing without any cause. The text outlines a lot of rules (many of which are not relevant anymore) and, frankly excessive punishments for breaking the rules.

But Judaism doesn’t end at the literal text. Talmud (rabbinical interpretation) is equally important.

My take on the material was this:

There are some things that, on the whole, we shouldn’t do. We shouldn’t touch dead bodies. We shouldn’t come to synagogue when we are sick. We shouldn’t cheat on our spouses. Etc.

But sometimes, you do need to break the rules. And for some things, someone must always break the rules. There must be someone in any community whose job it is to touch dead bodies. Someone must bury the dead. At the very least.

For people in that position, it is so vitally important that we do not throw the literal text in their face. It is important that we do not condemn them or shun them or otherwise exclude them from our community. Judaism is about community. And you cannot have a community that is based upon excluding people who do essential jobs. Rather, thank them. Because they are doing a good thing with no inherent reward. Quite the opposite. Those people should be celebrated. They take on the hard work knowing it carries risk of exclusion and judgment, but they do it anyway. Because it’s right.

Back in the day, if you saw a dead body on the side of the road and no one seemed available to bury it? Bury it. Give that fallen soul dignity. Then pray about it. Physically and emotionally wash the sin* away. (*sin in Judaism is not the same as the Christian idea of sin. Sin is more akin to an “oops” or “missing the mark.”) And take pleasure in doing something good for humanity and knowing that nobody else had to take on that sin for you.

So, nowadays, if you see a dead body on the side of the road? Call the person whose job it is to deal with that. And thank them for doing this very emotionally difficult work. Welcome that person into your community. Be kind to them. It matters. Because there is no community at all without them and people like them.

And in general? The more broad lesson to this is to of course be kind to people who do unglamorous but necessary work. And to take on that unglamorous work ourselves when necessary. That’s how we keep our community functional and healthy. Do good deeds without expecting a reward. Do what’s right even when you expect a bad outcome. Do good and right things for their own sake, because that’s what we exist to do. Create goodness in the world. The reward is the better world we create.

Thanks for asking @clawdia-houyhnhnm

[acti-veg]

is it actually wrong to be Islamophobic? and by this i mean "disliking Islam". NOT saying "all Muslims are terrorists" or we should treat Muslims badly in any way. but to dislike the religion - not the people? are there not lots of verses encouraging violence in the Quran? (this is a genuine question - i don't know the answer)

It is perfectly fine to challenge or dislike any belief system, religious beliefs are not unique in any way in that respect. However, when you ‘hate’ an entire religion you’re not really just challenging a specific belief; because religions are extremely diverse, representing a fairly wide group of belief systems that may only share some key common features. One person’s Islam can be very different to another’s. Those who hate Islam as an entire religion tend not to know very much about it, in my experience.

There are certainly passages that can be interpreted as violent in the Quran, as there are in the Bible, but the Quran and modern Islam are not the same thing. Religious believers negotiate with scripture for meaning, and apply it to their lives. You can interpret ‘violent’ passages as reflective of the specific struggle that was happening at the time that the Quran was written, you could view it as a spiritual battle, or as encouraging violence against non-believers more generally.

If you are violent, your Islam will be violent. If you are a pacifist, your Islam will be peaceful. If you took a moderate Muslim from an affluent area in East Sussex and asked them to speak to a militant Islamist from an impoverished community in Kabul, they’d barely even recognise each other’s religion as being the same as their own. They may both claim that the other is not a ‘real Muslim,’ yet you’d hate all Islam on the basis of the behaviour of one of them? Or based on the text they both hold as sacred?

To view a religion as essentially just words on a page, or Muslims as a homogenous, unchanging group is a very narrow and inaccurate view. All religions are organic belief systems that change depending on the historical period, the cultural context, by mosque and even by individual. When people say they ‘hate’ Islam, when asked why, they usually break into criticism of Muslims as an entire people, which is Islamophobia. Or, they just point to specific lines in the Quran, which is fine, but very reductive and simplistic. At that point you’re just criticising a book.

People who ‘hate Islam’ generally don’t have a good grasp of what it is they even hate, and that goes for a lot of the more forceful critics of religion more generally. They haven’t studied the Quran, they haven’t engaged in Muslim culture, they haven’t really even talked to Muslims about what their beliefs even are. They read some out of context Quran quotes on the internet, or a few lines from someone like Ibn Kathir, and they think they understand the entire religion well enough to declare that Islam is violent. Religion is complex, they’re not just dead texts, they’re lived beliefs that are coloured by perception, culture and history as much as any other belief is.

What Islam is for most people is just what they have heard about it, and that is usually negative coverage from media sources. Even for you, I’d question why you are specifically focusing on the religion that the media has told you to hate, rather than any other religious or political ideology. That isn’t a criticism of your character, none of us are immune to propaganda. I’d just encourage you to reflect for yourself just how much of this thinking comes from your study of Islam, and how much comes from negative representations in the media.

[fishnapple]

Hello love 💕

Your blog literally introduced me to lithomancy and I've been interested in trying since. I practice divination myself and I really resonated with the type of reading you do,

I was wondering how you learned/practiced it and what resources you used to study

Thank you in advance and have a blessed day 💕 💕

Hi, I'm so happy that you're interested in this art, it's not very well-known like the other types of divination. I will highlight some of the essential points of Lithomancy here, hope that it can help you in some way 🌼

HOW DID I START?

Thanks to the power of friendships and dreams lol.

I've had an on and off relationship with Lithomancy for the past 10 years. I was first introduced to this art by a friend. I would read Tarot for her and she would read crystal for me. At that time, I tried to dabble in it a little but didn't connect well with it. Likely due to my lack of knowledge and the right timing.

Then, last year, the year of my Saturn return, I had a dream about going to a shop selling handmade crafts and crystals with my nephew (you could say that he was the embodiment of my inner child in the dream). Not long after that, another friend of mine brought me to an actual crystal shop where I bought my first set of crystals and began to seriously study and practice Lithomancy.

The content is rather long so I put in a "keep reading" to shorten to post. Please click "keep reading" to continue below.

TOOL & MATERIALS:

1. The book:

The only learning resource I had was from the book Lithomancy: the psychic art of reading stones by Gary L. Wimmer and from watching my friend do the readings. The book was a good starter, the author explains several key concepts that are essential for reading stones.

2. The stones:

In the past, I used sea shells, pebbles and even clay to substitute for the crystals. The things I used were beautiful, but it didn't feel right, some were too heavy while others too light. Seeing them together raised no emotion or insight in me.

Only until last year, when I went into a crystal shop for the first time and bought a set of crystals, did I feel a connection to the stones. I chose the crystals purely by hunches with near zero knowledge about the meaning of each crystal. It was like a blind casting, you only saw the candidates but you didn't know anything about them and you didn't see their performance beforehand. You just picked based on their looks lol.

Not to say that you have to use crystals to read, it might depend on each person's aesthetic, way of pattern recognising and interpreting. For me, colourful crystals help me see the connection, the interaction better, you just need to find whatever work for you. Heck, I even made a random chart generator on Excel to read at some point.

There's no fixed number for the stones nor rules for choosing which stone for what. But in general, you would want to choose something with the size that can fit a dozen nicely in one palm of your hand, and with distinct shapes. Avoid rough crystal because they can fragmented easily after numerous tossing.

3. The surface:

Any surface smooth and even enough to allow the stones to fall on without excessive tumbling, the background colour should allow you to see the stones clearly and doesn't give your eyes fatigue after staring at for too long.

In the book, the circle was form by a strip of leather, lace or some similar material with a knot tying the two ends together. I was lazy so I just drew the circle on the fabric lol.

THE READING:

Unlike some other divination methods, which have certain rules of interpretation and meaning that you should follow. Lithomancy is quite free-form. There's lots of rooms for improvisation and creativity.

The method I use for reading is based loosely on the guide in the book with lots of personal modifications. I read the stones like how I read an astrological chart with each stone represents a planet plus other meanings (10 stones for Sun ~ Pluto, 2 for South and North node, 1 for Inner child, 1 for Fear, 1 for Life). The circle is divided into 12 sections, representing 12 houses.

Another time, I use a different set and assign a completely different set of meanings to read for specific topics. You can tailor the stones, the layout to your need freely, as long as you can connect with them on an intuitive level.

In short, it's all about how you assign the meaning to each stone and read the interaction, the relationship between them. Very much like watching a play, a movie where characters interact with each other in different scenes and you get the messages through them.

Well, that's the general idea of crystal reading, if you have more questions or any other insights, feel free to share, I'd love to chat. 💓🐋

[theshipsong]

heyo, Kat! this might seem random (or not! been looking at you astrology research with deep interest), but do you have any sources you can recommend to learn better about astrology and decoding natal charts specifically? the differing info online has been. a little confusing.. (no worries if not, 🫰)

i've been waiting for anyone to justify me posting such a thing

first of all! for beginners i think the best chart generator is astro-seek.com because its by-placement planet/sign/house interpretations aren't shabby at all. i also recommend ignoring uranus–pluto at first just to avoid getting overwhelmed, my medieval/traditional agenda aside

secondly i like whole sign houses in large part because that's what people used before like, the 17th century so what this means on astro-seek is opening extended settings and selecting "Whole sign" and "Uranus-Pluto OFF" (ignore the sidereal thing)

books

astrology for yourself by demetra george/douglas bloch is something i wish i'd known about when i was starting. it's a paper workbook just like in elementary school where you pencil in information about your own chart. it's so cute and not actually for children but i find it so nostalgic

astrology: understanding the birth chart by kevin burk is really the only "cookbook" type i still reach for because he's so concise without losing out on information, very focused on essential dignity (the concept for interpreting the "strength" and "favor" of placements) and the relationships of the planets, elements, modes

i haven't read it in full but afaik chani nicholas's you were born for this is super approachable and only focuses on the big three (+ chart ruler), which is a good starting place to see just how deep each part of the chart gets

i have astrology for yourself as a pdf i can send anyone

online/apps

i say astro-seek but personally use astro.com, my settings there include uranus–pluto and the fixed stars

the first 12ish episodes of kirah tabourn's podcast the strology show are fantastic. one episode per each of the planets, then they go through the signs by element. it's so approachable and her guests make the vibes so good. it's the perfect cardio listen

i kinda don't love chani nicholas as just like The face of nuwoo capitalism but hers is the only astrology mobile app that defaults to whole sign houses

but i strongly recommend the books! the BOOKS. and really learning your chart first (i like drawing them crudely by hand!) and then maybe an older celebrity or dead author (to guarantee a different saturn sign, i know bertolt brecht and nick cave's really well; for this astrodatabank) and deadass the way to learn the glyphs is sailor moon

[stilesinwonderland]

HEART KILLERS/TAMING OF THE SHREW COMPARISONS

Episode 1—Kant/Bison and the Play of Things

ANYWAYS I DID READ THE PLAY JUST TO COMPARE IT TO THE SHOW!!! I first read the entirety of The Taming of the Shrew 6 years ago and reread it now for a refresher while giving some particular attention to the first act of the play because I feel like this—and the emphasis given to roles in the show—are probably the most important to me as of right now.

To divide my analysis up, I rewatched episode 1, so I’ll be following along with an analysis of that episode with my notes from the play. And this is just a focus on the Kantbison scenes so far, I have so many thoughts, so there will be many more posts I think!

For reference:

Lucentio=Kant

Tranio=Lucentio’s “man” (servant)

Bianca=Bison

Petruchio=Style

Katherine/Kate=Fadel

To start, I want to talk about the beginning of Taming of the Shrew. At the start of the play, we begin with a character called Sly, a poor beggar. He’s drunk in a tavern, so a lord decides to dress him up in rich clothing and put on a play for him, making him think that he is a nobleman. To simplify, we have Sly in “real life,” and the story we know of the “taming” in Taming of the Shrew is a story within a story. Right from the start, Shakespeare starts his play with deception. And it’s not just a regular deception, either—at least not to me:

“What think you, if he were convey'd to bed, Wrapp'd in sweet clothes, rings put upon his fingers, A most delicious banquet by his bed, And brave attendants near him when he wakes, Would not the beggar then forget himself?”

They want to make Sly “forget himself,” and I think it’s the way it’s worded that is so poignant to me. For some reason, this very image reminds me of Kant. The imagery is the same, but slightly different—in the first episode, we see him thrust into this world he is not a part of. For his whole life he has been living as a different person, and now he must become someone completely new.

In this part, we can already see that Kant feels like he's going to be putting on some kind of "role," because he is going to be out of his league. Besides the fact that it is nuts for him to be put in this position in the first place, he truly will be acting for a majority of the show, which we do see. He will slip many times, but unfortunately, he will have to keep his act up as much as he can to survive, in his mind.

We can get a good sense of where the show picks up on the fact that, while Taming of the Shrew is ultimately a comedy, there are serious elements that can be used as well. This brings me to the next theme, which is the “play in a play.”  We see throughout Taming of the Shrew that characters use disguises often. Here is an example of a play direction:

Enter Gremio; Lucentio ⌜disguised as Cambio⌝ in the habit of a mean man; Petruchio with ⌜Hortensio disguised as Litio; and⌝ Tranio ⌜disguised as Lucentio,⌝ with his boy, ⌜Biondello⌝ bearing a lute and books.

As you can see, everyone is usually disguised as someone else. Deceit is present in Lucentio/Bianca’s story nearly throughout. So, I think the setting of the hitmen storyline is so great, because they have been disguised for essentially their whole lives.

So this is when the “play” begins. You can really feel that Heart Killers toys with the sense of the play elements various times in the show—I saw someone mention it before, but the sets genuinely appear play-like. For example (using episode 1):

These sets appear less 3-dimensional but on PURPOSE, and I do think that the guns were meant to appear like props, but that could be an interpretation that could be disagreed with. Anyhow, the sets seem like they are calling back to the show's source material by singling out the most crucial characters so we really pay attention to them, as we would in a play. The background characters, if there are any, are very few. In episode 10, when Keen is eating in the restaurant, he is completely alone, which is another example of this. It seems highly unlikely that these restaurants would be empty, so it seems like a directorial choice.

So let’s back up again, to the start of the episode. When we meet Kant and Style is probably the most similar introduction to the “fake” play’s format—and we meet the character “Lucentio’s” equivalent—Kant. Essentially, the same thing happens in the play and the show. We see that Kant has a plan, and so does Lucentio. Kant wants a one-night stand in the show, and only that. He has too many responsibilities to take care of, which we find out later, and a younger brother whom he has had to raise since he was way too young.  In the play, Lucentio has come to Padua with the intent to study philosophy (love the callout with his name being Kant btw!!!) and strictly logic, as men do. He says,

“Here let us breathe and haply institute / A course of learning and ingenious studies.”

Those plans are ruined with swiftness when they suddenly see Bianca (Bison). Obviously, they are both dumbstruck by their character’s beauty (understandable; Khao does that to you).

The play develops similarly, with Style’s equivalent having to woo Katherine (Fadel), but that will be a separate post!! (They also kept the element in of Kant “teaching” Bison how to bowl which was fun, because in the play, Lucentio disguises himself as a teacher in order to court Bianca, teehee, but anyways.)

The dynamic here is related to the play as well, because we see that these two characters rely on secrets the most. Lucentio and Bianca depend on secrets for their plans to work. Bianca has so many suitors, and Lucentio is disguised as another man. In this case, Kant doesn’t reveal his identity for a long while, while Bianca finds out right away and Bianca&Luciento do not reveal his true identity until right until they are walking up to the altar—the show has flipped the dynamic from a willing secret to an unknowing, betraying one.

This point reminds me of Bianca&Luciento's first real conversation in the play, where Bianca says:

BIANCA  Now let me see if I can conster it. Hic ibat  Simois, I know you not; hic est ⌜Sigeia⌝ tellus, I trust  you not; Hic ⌜steterat⌝ Priami, take heed he hear us  not; regia, presume not; celsa senis, despair not.

Bianca is speaking between words in Latin so she cannot be clearly heard. Here, Lucentio has come clean immediately and revealed his identity to her. They are also having a secret conversation to hide from another suitor! There are so many layers to this play, showing secrets upon secrets.

If you look at Heart Killers, we can see that Kant and Bison are hiding from Fadel, Kant is hiding the secret from Style, Kant is hiding his secret from Bison, mother has been deceiving them, and whatever detective Christ has going on is going on. Lies are integral to the story—and not just lies, but deception. Obviously, the show has gone darker and twisted the narrative until lies have become deeper lies, but they have all started with Kant’s initial deception, just as they did in the play.

What I find the most riveting is also how closely the show follows this concept of “shedding the mask,” or coming clean. In the play, Lucentio finally becomes himself again at the altar, revealing himself in front of her father Baptista. He says:

 Love wrought these miracles. Bianca’s love  Made me exchange my state with Tranio,  While he did bear my countenance in the town,  And happily, I have arrivèd at the last  Unto the wishèd haven of my bliss.

Of course, we can see this direct comparison with Kant and telling Bison the truth, but how about Bison and finally leaving his field? Bison wants to shed that part of his life away fully, and he can finally be with the person he loves after yearning for all of these years. In episode one, he already says “We’re off duty so I can be myself.” In those small moments, he takes the time to drive it home to Fadel that that is his true dream.

The thing that I love about shows vs plays is the amount of time they get to show with the characters—because while we see the lies, we also see the truths. We see that Kant is afraid of the ocean, we see that Kant can barely make ends meet. We see that Bison has been alone romantically and yearns to be free from his lifestyle. With plays, however, we can read between the lines ourselves, which we often do, have done for a very long time, and probably will even longer.

[ceenvs3000w25]

Blog post 6: Quote response

To me, this quote and the content of this unit both outline the importance of continuously remembering history, if we don’t remind ourselves of what happened in the past, we are doomed to repeat our mistakes. Interpretation is one of the keys to ensuring the past continues to be remembered in a nuanced way; it is important for there to be people that are knowledgeable about historical events and the nuances around them to share this knowledge with the public in an interesting and condensed way.  In the textbook this week, one of the topics that stuck out was the discussion of first-person interpretation (Beck et al., 2018). This is a type of interpretive experience that I have actually been a part of; when I was a kid I lived in Manitoba and went to a summer camp at the Lower Fort Garry National Historic Site. This is a former trading post that was a part of the Hudson Bay Company which now serves as a historic site. The cast members here dress and act like they would have when the Fort was in function, and as a camper we also got to dress up and live as a pioneer for the week! This was an amazing interpretive experience for me, as I find that the more immersive an experience is, the more I remember it. This type of experience truly makes you feel like ‘the train station you passed through still exists’ as Hyams states, an immersive interpretive experience makes the information you are learning feel more real, there were actual people living like this, doing these things in the place I am many years ago.

          This is how everybody dressed at Fort Garry, including all the campers!     

Interpretive writing is also essential to the preservation of history. The textbook discusses the importance of journaling and in my opinion, this is one of the most important type of interpretive writing for the preservation of history (Beck et al. 2018). History can be preserved through things like news or documents, though these will often all be biased in a similar way. The best way to understand different historical perspectives, especially those from groups that have been oppressed, is through analyzing journals. Journals themselves are firsthand accounts of things that have happened, and include personal anecdotes and feelings that add depth to the story being told. A good example of this is The Diary of Anne Frank, I read this book in high school before travelling to Amsterdam and visited the Anne Frank house; this humanized a person from history in a unique way for me. To read about her crushes, going to school, her friends and silly normal kid thoughts made me feel connected to a historical time in a similar way to the way I felt at Fort Gary. This was a kid just like me, and she had so many of the same universal ‘kid’ experiences that we all have had.               

Though these anecdotes both refer to specifically historical interpretation, though these are still relevant to effective nature interpretation. Nature interpretation through writing can serve as an important historical documentation, creating a narrative about what was going on in the environment at a certain time. An excellent example of this is Rachel Carson’s Silent Spring. This is a book that documents the harmful effects of the pesticide DDT that was used in abundance at the time. This book is personal and poetic, giving a present-day reader a deep understanding of how dire the situation in the environment was at the time, and how important it is that we don’t let something like that happen again. I think the blog prompt this week is very relevant to this idea. If we have the mindset that the train station that we’ve already passed through has disappeared we are doomed to repeat it again. I think in a social and political climate like we are living in today, it is extremely important to understand this and to actively seek out information about past events to prevent history from repeating itself.

Beck, L., Cable, T. T., & Knudson, D. M. (2018). Interpreting cultural and natural heritage for a better world. Sagamore Publishing.

Photo: Steiner, B. (2020). [Digital |Image]. Journeys with Johnbo. https://photobyjohnbo.com/2020/01/07/lower-fort-garry/