#and part of me wants to keep
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You're just not toxic enough.
#the apothecary diaries#maomao#jinshi#When she loves poison as much as she does...this really isn't as big of an insult as it may seem.#'I'd rather poison myself' from a girl who genuinely wants to eat the poison? Not bad!#This was a thank you gift for a friend who helped me out of a tough situation. I hope you enjoy this!#I am so sorry I still haven't finished season one yet. I promise I'll get to it eventually.#Maomao is a really fun protagonist and as a mystery lover - the detective plots she finds herself in are very enjoyable.#Even if she doesn't want to be part of them. Girl who just wants to mind her own business but keeps getting hired to snoop around.#Jinshi is a great character in his own right. He is also a wet little clown that I want to wring out and leave in the sun to dry.#Man...now I want to finish season one...I miss them...
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“I look forward to hearing what you have to say in another four months.”
(read left -> right) it's here!! the chapter 5 comic is done (for now, i might want to come back and do proper lines and colors at some point). i just couldn't choose one part of the Big Moment to illustrate so i did.......all of it (ᵕ・ᴗ・)
scene from differential burdens in displacement
#jayvik#fic: differential burdens in displacement#SHE'S DONE HELL YEAH#chapter 5 is probably my favorite#i had sooooo much fun with the teasing leading up to their little argument#jayce having his gomez adams moment and viktor STILL not getting it like rip to that guy#will i do a cleaned up version of this someday? who's to say. certainly not me lol#i DO want to draw the actual kiss from this chapter so yeah ch5 gets to be special and have a third part#or tenth#depending on how you're counting (ᵕ—ᴗ—)#yallstart#arcane#special shoutout to fox bro for keeping me company through this one#we went on a journey......#oh it's almost 4:20 nice
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don't think I'm not still obsessing over 7-12
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 part 12 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 part 12 spoilers#sorry it's even scribblier than usual :') hopefully my chickenscratch is legible#anyway come here and join me in the corner where we go to be embarrassing about anime characters#just. between riddle and trey's dreams i've been thinking a lot about how#trey knew this kid for like two months when he was nine and then never really got over him or how their friendship ended#which. honestly. understandable given the circumstances#and then when they finally met again riddle acted like they'd never met before and neither he nor trey ever intended trey to be his vice#but every time riddle talks about his childhood post-incident it's basically#'oh yeah i constantly thought about trey and che'nya and fantasized about still being friends with them! this is fine and normal'#(there's a bit in one of his birthday cards where he talks about crossword puzzles and shit man that one got me)#idk. i can't put this into words very well#just...the implications that riddle was actively resisting trey's friendship#(presumably because it ended SUPER badly last time and he's learned that if he shows he wants something it gets taken away from him)#and trey had to work REALLY hard to just to get to the point they were at by the time canon starts#that was progress somehow#y'all can call him boring all you want but trey's defining feature really is that he keeps being like#'everything's fine :) this isn't a big deal :) i don't care that much'#(trey on the inside: THIS IS THE BIGGEST DEAL THAT I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT AND I WILL NEVER LET IT GO)#anyway i continue to be absolutely murdered by the timing of riddlepunzel directly after this#riddle's line about not wanting to keep standing in front of a door that's never going to open...#hey. hey silly gacha game about anime disney boys.#you are not actually allowed to do this to me#oh shit oh damn i'm out of tags and i haven't even talked about cater yet. NO BUT I HAVE LOTS OF FEELINGS THERE TOO --#(i am crushed under a falling safe looney tunes style)
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Our Linked Universe felons Heroes!
(Wanted poster template under the cut!)
Feel free to use the template to make your own posters. Put your friends up for Hyrulian bounty! They (probably) won't be arrested.
<3 <3 <3
#WANTED POSTERS#featuring some of my favorite panels/expressions#linked universe#lu twilight#lu wild#lu legend#lu time#lu hyrule#lu warriors#lu four#lu wind#lu sky#four wondering which part of him broke the law (it was probably vio)(or shadow impersonating vio)#hyrule is guilty by association#and legend is the 'association'#sky supports crimes with a smile#time with that smug smirk like yeaa good luck keeping me in prison#twilight planning to escape his bounty by turning into Wolfie (it works)#wild just like wait that's ILLEGAL?#wind isn't surprised at his crimes he's just surprised he got caught#warriors was 100% framed
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#personal bullshit#a mini vent to hide#never thought i’d have to do this#especially alone#and part of me wants to keep#but i know i cant#what an awful fucking feeling
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friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me
#It’s just so different#even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol#in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps#if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it#esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends#no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr#u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS#meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life#this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation#like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !!#& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers#who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them#and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends#it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me#I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc#like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this#so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works#p
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start of the day vs. end of the day
#oc: dragon tobi#dragon#furry#fursona#doodle#sketch#my art#these r rlly rlly fun as warmups#this is a part of the set i did yesterday#prolly gonna doodle some more this morning before work :)#warmups have rlly rlly saved my work process. its much easier to start drawing when i start with whatever my brain wants to draw first#and Then focus on the specific thing a client wants as soon as its out of my system#its rlly fun and keeps me productive and i like it#whee#scaly#pear#toony#idk what to tag . it as.
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FINALLY the animatic for chapter 18 of Then it becomes, it becomes, it becomes a problem is FINISHED!
if you haven't read this unbelievable fic yet, WHAT are you DOING? get in there!
#gravity falls#billford#bill cipher#stanford pines#TiBiBiBaP Fan Art#m.gif#huh guess i dont have any special tags for animatics it looks like. well thats fine#please ignore the way this gets 10x more rough halfway through the reason if because i drew the first half REAL fuckin sloppy#and had to do a cleanup pass. but ive been at this for so fucking long i just couldn't keep going with it#truthfully i think the sloppier parts look better anyways. theres a certain life lost in the cleanup. alas#this just took me. so fucking long. so long. ive wanted to do that last scene alone since fucking november#im free..............................
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Chronic Sonic pt 18
oop
1. Metal definitely isn’t supposed to be pulling up to Tails place but hey when u gaining a lil sentience you tend to not abide by the deals your creator/dad made with someone else
2. Options for what Metal is thinking that a) giving sonic an emerald will mean he’s back to full power and then he can fight him and go back to proving he’s the real sonic or lose and know for sure if he’s not. b) Sonic is the real Sonic and the world needs Sonic so he better get him back up and moving right the heck now because how dare he give up being the only thing Metal’s ever wanted to be. Which one is it? We may never know!
3. If you think they look a little too horrified all I gotta say is hey if your friend started giving the doppleganger designed by his enemy to kill him his name as a way of giving up on his own identity and inviting himself to be replaced you’d be horrified too
4. Anyway—
#KNOX ART (me)#Chronic Sonic#Sonic the Hedgehog#Metal Sonic#Amy Rose#Miles Tails Prower#Shadow the Hedgehog#Knuckles the Echidna#this part is gonna be a little long so i figured i might as well just post it to keep the momentom going#more of a comic with a little bit of plot moment rather than just a mini scene we’ll see how this goes#i can do what i want is the point as I have been reminded there are no rules for this i am simply doing what i want and having the most fun
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Well THIS looks familiar.
Episode 52 Part 1 First < Previous > Next Season 1, Season 2, Season 3, Season 4, Season 5 Ep 41, Ep 42, Ep 43, Ep 44 Ep 45, Ep 46, Ep 47, Ep 48, Intermission, Ep 49, Ep 50, Ep 51
Bonus:
Ko-fi | Patreon
#originally I wanted everyone to be wearing clothes inspired by ANY of the heroes#Sabrina as Pegasus or Marc as Caprikid that sorta thing#but keeping track of all the specific shades of gray over so many characters would've been an absolute headache#chat noir and marigold use the same 'gray' colors so this was more streamlined#scarlet lady#scarlet lady au#scarlet lady comic#heroes' day part 1#catalyst#episode 52 part 1#sl fashion#also yeah Juleka's is based off Maotif not Chat Noir but they use the same 'gray' so it's a sneaky little thing for me
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Just your average male living space.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wen qing#lan wangji#A-Yuan#wei wuxian#(***Content warning for me talking about unhygienic living conditions in the tags today***).#The worst part of drawing this comic is that I've seen so much worse. This is a livable space.#I've helped out friends and family who were struggling and let me just say...I have seen some pretty dysfunctional living spaces.#Hell I've *lived* in some very dysfunctional living spaces.#Hording dishes under the bed was always something that grossed me out but it's unfortunately something I've seen people do way too often.#The horror everyone has upon walking into WWX's 'living' set up is so consistently 'Mate how are you living like this?'#It's honestly so integral to me that WWX's 'just left home for the first time' house/room be a depression/dysfunction pit.#You can learn a lot about someon's state of mind from how they keep their living space...and this guy is oozing 'deep depression'.#I don't think he's eaten anything but foods that classify as a struggle meal in a year.#Everyone is trying to stage an intervention but he just isn't in a good enough place to help himself.#By the way: I want to steer away from shaming people who have messy homes/rooms because life *does* hit hard sometimes.#My love language is coming into your home to do your dishes and do some housework. Don't apologize for the mess king.#Nothing could top some of the places I've had to help my older siblings out of.#I'd be okay with my flatmate having a severed limb and a blood pool at this point.#As long as he lets me take out the dishes from under the bed - We're good! My standards are so low at this point.
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FUCK IT!!!! I MISS WHEN MY MINECRAFT SERVERS HAD CULTURAL EXCHANGE IN THEM!!!! I MISS WHEN MY MINECRAFT SERVERS HAD LANGUAGE BARRIERS IN THEM!!!!! I MISS WHEN WE WERE ALL CRAMMED IN A PIT TOGETHER SCREAMING AND SHAKING AND SOBBING AND CONFUSED AS ALL HELL SITTING IN THE TUMBLR LIVEBLOGS HOLDING HANDS AS WE ALL EXPLAINED WHAT THINGS MEANT, WHAT THE REAL WORLD CULTURAL CONTEXT WAS, WHAT WAS GOING ON IN BITS THE TRANSLATOR COULDN'T GET!!!!! FUCK IT!!!!!!! I'LL TAKE ANOTHER GODDAMN PURGATORY!!!!! GIVE ME A BUNCH OF PEOPLE FORMING SIX PERSON FAMILIES OVER THE SPAN OF THREE TO FIVE DAYS!!!!!!!! GIVE ME THE EVIL SHADOW GOVERNMENT THAT NEVER MADE ANY GODDAMN SENSE, GIVE ME THE STUPID FUCKING EYE WORKERS THAT WERE AGGRAVATINGLY UNBEATABLE, GIVE ME THE CONFUSING ASS BLACK CONCRETE STRUCTURES THAT WENT BASICALLY FUCKING NOWHERE!!!!!! I'LL TAKE IT ALL IF IT MEANS I GET A FRENCH MAN AND A GUY FROM LUXEMBOURG AND A WOMAN FROM SOUTH KOREA SHOOTING THE SHIT IN A MINECRAFT PIT STARTER HOUSE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! I'LL TAKE IT IF I GET BRAZILIAN PORTUGUESE AND FRENCH AND ENGLISH AND SPANISH SITTING AT A FUCKING TABLE IN A SECRET UNDERGROUND MEETING ROOM THEORIZING ABOUT A MINECRAFT CHARACTER WITH AN APPEARANCE BASED ON A JOKE ABOUT A GUY'S DOG BEING AN AMERICAN CONSERVATIVE!!!!!!! GIVE IT BACK!!!!!!!!! GIVE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!
#NOT THE ADMIN EXPLOITATION THO THAT CAN STAY GONE#block game brainrot#shut up vic#qsmp#im in my feels idk the qsmp really struck a chord in me#that nothing has really been able to refill i'm ngl#i really miss the brain workout i got trying to keep up with the cross cultural multilingual stuff#and it's not the same if i just watch the streamers in languages i don't understand#bc on qsmp it was like. i can watch the pov of a streamer coming from the same language background as me#and then i know that if i'm lost so are they and then i don't feel like i'm floundering alone#but like i don't have that anymore :( i miss it a lot#it was so funny and it was so earnest and i really FELT IT#it was a whirlwind and it was so exhausting and there's bits that ethically probably should never be repeated (eggs)#but i wouldn't want it to be different (except the workers rights violations; again those can go)#idk all these fucking duos that sound like absolute pipe dream crossover nonsense and are fully viable#it's nuts and it's beautiful and i miss how fucking WILD that was#i'll never not be upset that the koreans and hugo barely even got a MOMENT#i was so excited to see how they would interact with and respond to the overall island lore like the federation and the codes#ughhhhh anyway it's 4am i'm in my feels nothing has really engaged me the way qsmp did#i really enjoyed the challenge of the culture and language barrier bc i really had to ENGAGE with the streams#in a way i don't normally and in a way i haven't since#i miss it :( also slimeriana. that too. fucking hilarious. can we get them in the outlast trials.#add cellbit and roier call it a double date what who said that#(that's a joke to be clear but not the part about the outlast trials they should do that those streams were peak)#anyway uhhhhh if you read these good fortune is coming to you soon#long tags
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YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 part 12 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 part 12 spoilers#unique magic posters#mmmm delicious crumbs of che'nya appearances#gosh! ace's dream was unexpectedly SO cute and sweet#and trey's dream started out SO cute and sweet#and then#well#uhhhhh#i feel like we've all learned more about trey 'i'm just a normal boring regular guy' clover than we maybe wanted to#cater: i'm starting to think maybe something is seriously wrong with trey-kun <- good summary senpai#we're 20+ dudes in and it just keeps getting weirder somehow#chapter 12 is killing me and the rest of february is going to finish the job#getting chokeslammed by that rapunzel event announcement#yes yes YES give me pretty floaty princess dresses and sparkles!!!!!#SHOW ME THE ~EVENING SKY CHIFFON~ JACK I NEED TO SEE HIM IMMEDIATELY
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a bit late, but i decided i'd give it a shot anyway
hansry day 1 - flowers
#hansry week#hansry#kingdom come deliverance#kcd2#hans capon#henry of skalitz#maybe if i keep it simple like this i might be able to draw all prompts. i hope there's no problem tagging even if i'm late#anyway if you're around my parts you'll know i associate marigold to hans and chamomile to henry#so yeah do with that information what you will and have fun if you want. thinking about the poses and gestures#i'm that asshole who enjoys symbolism in their art so. yeah#glad i could manage before i get on with my day#my art#actually i should reblog 'of chamomile and marigold' again. to celebrate me not giving up on trying to join the prompt week
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Aite let’s do this. Here’s my thoughts on the Jedi’s Attachment rule and why it exists:
Attachment and love/affection are two very different things. You can be loving and affectionate without being attached to someone.
The same way, letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. It’s accepting the way things are and that death and loss are a natural part of life. You can’t fight what’s natural. It also doesn’t mean to sit back and just accept things as they are, or why would Jedi fight to protect? To change things and save people?
Love is knowing to put the many over the few. If someone you love is in danger, but there’s also a boatload of civilians, it’s going for the civilians, even if you hate them, despite wanting to save the other. ie. Letting go of your feelings. Not being attached.
So why this rule is such a big deal.
For a Jedi, being *attached* poses a much bigger problem than for the average person (looking at you Anakin Skywalker.) If a normal person can go to extremes either as a result of losing someone or wanting to protect them, think of what a Jedi, who feels things more deeply because of the Force, could do if they can’t let go.
The important thing is Jedi don’t say ‘don’t love.’ They don’t say ‘feel nothing.’ In fact you often hear Obi-wan and others say to trust feelings, instincts and refer to each other affectionately.
Anakin: You’re like a father to me.
Obi-Wan: Then why don’t you *listen.*
(Episode II. Not a reprimand for calling him father-like but asking if that’s how he feels, why doesn’t Anakin listen like a son should.)
What they *do* say is don’t get carried away in positive or negative feelings, as both can lead to impulsive actions with long term consequences. It’s a concept that follows the lines of mindfulness and just being *aware* that they have so much power, they can’t afford to be reckless. Because the damage *will* be long lasting.
They say don’t love someone so much that you’ll do anything for them. They say don’t be *possessive.* Because that’s a *very* dangerous place to go for a normal person, let alone a super powerful being who could leave *chaos* behind. Attachment is refusing to let go. Stopping someone from doing what they love because you’re scared. Love is trusting and accepting things can’t/will change even if you don’t like it, and accepting that when there’s nothing you can do without breaking your moral code.
Jedi grieve. They feel loss. They get angry. They *love.* They just don’t let those feelings overwhelm them to the point of irrationality, accepting, understanding, and releasing them because they’ll do no good in the long run. If emotion overwhelms the brain, the logical part shuts down, and we’ve all seen what force fuelled temper/grief can do.
‘Kanan and Ezra don’t follow the rule.’
On the contrary.
You see Kanan learn to let go of his grief and *attachment* which has been holding him back all this time. In doing so he becomes a Knight and Master. He loves Hera, yes, but he loves unconditionally. Not possessively. He’s fine with Hera going on dangerous missions and accepts that there will be times she’s hurt. That there’s always a possibility she might not come back and he’s gonna have to live with that. He doesn’t try to stop her. He doesn’t fall into a rage if she gets hurt. He accepts it, pain, rage, grief and all, but lets it go so he doesn’t become fearful to the point he won’t let *her* go. He accepts Hera loves the Rebellion and compromises even if he doesn’t like it. Love. Nothing wrong with that in the Jedi Order.
In contrast you have Anakin. When Padmé is in danger he will drop *everything* to go to her, including putting his men and padawan in unnecessary danger to do so. You see his jealousy when Clovis is around. His lack of faith in Padmé despite her assurances. How he won’t back down even if it scares or disturbs her. You see how he *refuses* to take any chances at all with her health to the point of breaking his moral code. This isn’t love anymore. This is attachment, possession. This is what the Jedi forbid.
You see Ezra struggle with letting Sabine go on a dangerous mission and Kanan teaching him that he has to accept the danger, that she might not come back. and how to do it. Telling him to respect her abilities, what she wants to do, and not loving her to the point of stifling her. This is what letting go is. This is what the Jedi teach.
Ezra has to learn to let go of his own grief and accept Kanan’s death. This is what love without attachment means. This is what the rule is. Feeling it. Accepting it. Then letting the emotions go so they don’t control your actions more than your mind does.
Also, anyone can leave the Jedi Order. If they don’t agree, there’s nothing forcing them to stay. Being a Jedi is a religion, a way of life. You can discuss and debate the details, but you don’t get to pick and choose what parts to follow.
You can be a force wielder without being a Jedi. The privileges the Jedi received were because of their belief and the respect that earned.
But more importantly, you can happily leave the order, and the Jedi will still welcome you to come hang out. To chill with your friends and walk about the Temple, train with others and catch up. It’s a community. You don’t suddenly lose all of that because you decided following the Jedi way wasn’t for you.
#aite let’s see who this reaches?#I don’t want to call it pro Jedi because it’s more like.#this is how George Lucas created the Jedi#and I’m sorry I absolutely *despise* the way new shows have taken this beautiful Order#and rewritten entire aspects of it just so they can make Anakin look good#this isn’t even a theory. look at what Lucas says about the Jedi and Anakin vs what Filoni keeps saying about Anakin being the best Jedi#and how clearly this plays with Ahsoka#and how he shows Dooku and the Jedi in Tales of the Jedi#vs what was previous canon#aaaanyway. Tags!#Jedi#jedi culture#jedi order#anakin Skywalker#padme amidala#obi wan kenobi#kanan jarrus#ezra bridger#Star Wars#star wars meta#call me biased but loving without being attached is such a core part of my own faith#it’s something I’ve grown up around and just makes sense to me#so here’s my expansion on why the Jedi might have it ^^
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so one of the things that's so horrifying about birth control is that you have to, like, navigate this incredibly personal choice about your body and yet also face the epitome of misogyny. like, someone in the comments will say it wasn't that bad for me, and you'll be utterly silenced. like, everyone treats birth control like something that's super dirty. like, you have no fucking information or control over this thing because certain powerful people find it icky.
first it was the oral contraceptives. you went on those young, mostly for reasons unrelated to birth control - even your dermatologist suggested them to control your acne. the list of side effects was longer than your arm, and you just stared at it, horrified.
it made you so mentally ill, but you just heard that this was adulthood. that, yes, there are of course side effects, what did you expect. one day you looked up yasmin makes me depressed because surely this was far too intense, and you discovered that over 12,000 lawsuits had been successfully filed against the brand. it remains commonly prescribed on the open market. you switched brands a few times before oral contraceptives stopped being in any way effective. your doctor just, like, shrugged and said you could try a different brand again.
and the thing is that you're a feminist. you know from your own experience that birth control can be lifesaving, and that even when used for birth control - it is necessary healthcare. you have seen it save so many people from such bad situations, yourself included. it is critical that any person has access to birth control, and you would never suggest that we just get rid of all of it.
you were a little skeeved out by the implant (heard too many bad stories about it) and figured - okay, iud. it was some of the worst pain you've ever fucking experienced, and you did it with a small number of tylenol in your system (3), like you were getting your bikini line waxed instead of something practically sewn into your body.
and what's wild is that because sometimes it isn't a painful insertion process, it is vanishingly rare to find a doctor that will actually numb the area. while your doctor was talking to you about which brand to choose, you were thinking about the other ways you've been injured in your life. you thought about how you had a suspicious mole frozen off - something so small and easy - and how they'd numbed a huge area. you thought about when you broke your wrist and didn't actually notice, because you'd thought it was a sprain.
your understanding of pain is that how the human body responds to injury doesn't always relate to the actual pain tolerance of the person - it's more about how lucky that person is physically. maybe they broke it in a perfect way. maybe they happened to get hurt in a place without a lot of nerve endings. some people can handle a broken femur but crumble under a sore tooth. there's no true way to predict how "much" something actually hurts.
in no other situation would it be appropriate for doctors to ignore pain. just because someone can break their wrist and not feel it doesn't mean no one should receive pain meds for a broken wrist. it just means that particular person was lucky about it. it should not define treatment.
in the comments of videos about IUDs, literally thousands of people report agony. blinding, nauseating, soul-crushing agony. they say things like i had 2 kids and this was the worst thing i ever experienced or i literally have a tattoo on my ribs and it felt like a tickle. this thing almost killed me or would rather run into traffic than ever feel that again.
so it's either true that every single person who reports severe pain is exaggerating. or it's true that it's far more likely you will experience pain, rather than "just a pinch." and yet - there's nothing fucking been done about it. it kind of feels like a shrug is layered on top of everything - since technically it's elective, isn't it kind of your fault for agreeing to select it? stop being fearmongering. stop being defensive.
you fucking needed yours. you are almost weirdly protective of it. yours was so important for your physical and mental health. it helped you off hormonal birth control and even started helping some of your symptoms. it still fucking hurt for no fucking reason.
once while recovering from surgery, they offered you like 15 days of vicodin. you only took 2 of them. you've been offered oxy for tonsillitis. you turned down opioids while recovering from your wisdom tooth extraction. everything else has the option. you fucking drove yourself home after it, shocked and quietly weeping, feeling like something very bad had just happened. the nurse that held your hand during the experience looked down at you, tears in her eyes, and said - i know. this is cruelty in action.
and it's fucked up because the conversation is never just "hey, so the way we are doing this is fucking barbaric and doctors should be required to offer serious pain meds" - it's usually something around the lines of "well, it didn't kill you, did it?"
you just found out that removing that little bitch will hurt just as bad. a little pinch like how oral contraceptives have "some" serious symptoms. like your life and pain are expendable or not really important. like maybe we are all hysterical about it?
hysteria comes from the latin word for uterus, which is great!
you stand here at a crossroads. like - this thing is so important. did they really have to make it so fucking dangerous. and why is it that if you make a complaint, you're told - i didn't even want you to have this in the first place. we're told be careful what you wish for. we're told that it's our fault for wanting something so illict; we could simply choose not to need medication. that maybe if we don't like the scraps, we should get ready to starve.
we have been saying for so long - "i'm not asking you to remove the option, i'm asking you to reconsider the risk." this entire time we hear: well, this is what you wanted, isn't it?
#where's the word woman in this u might wonder if u suck#good news i am nonbinary and have a uterus so that is something that can happen#im also gender fluid tho which means im immune to certain psychic damage bc if u call me a woman i'll be like <3 okay <3#writeblr#the tightrope of ''ppl need access to this''#and like also#''what the fuck is going on over there'' is like. so difficult as an activist#i was <3 punctured <3 during mine#and almost bled out on the table :) they didn't have anyone standing by bc it's ''just a little insertion''#so i started crashing and i vaguely remember apologizing for the fuss as i heard my heart rate monitor start going <3 tachycardic <3#she wasn't even a bad doctor tbh#ps btw the reason i even HAD a heart monitor is that i have a genuine heart condition and they knew GOING IN that there was a chance#i'd crash on the table#like my heart just likes to do fun little tricks and <3 stop working <3 (i do not want to discuss the specifics ty i am okay im ontop of it#and they were like 'oh u will be fine' and then she did do a puncture thru my uterus . pop!#and im sitting there dizzy and feeling my heartrate start to drop bc it feels almost. beautiful. like. the whole ground just#woosh! out from under you. and shit is like grey's anatomy. i'm looking up at her grey eyes#she's old she wears this nice shawl she's like got Cool Lesbian vibes and people are sprinting into the room#from other parts of the clinic unrelated to me. while the monitor is like a little aria singing#and shes like hey youre okay stay awake stay with me something went wrong we have to keep trying#and i remember thinking - i was trying to think of nice things. i have so many beautiful places that now overlap#with this terrible memory#i became dimly aware that there was too much on her wrists and hands. like#that was too many liters#and then when they had finished all this. i packed up and drove myself home#i have had (bad thing) happen to me. and the same feeling happened after#that numb almost lamblike bleating. you cry without noise. like. ur body is so shocked and ur mind so empty#you just stare at the road and everything everything is happening behind glass and static and you are standing so far away from it#while you hold ur hands at 10 and 2. and something in ur brain is SCREAMING at you - IT WAS BAD AND IT SHOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED#and ur just watching the alarms in your body going off and youre thinking. a little pinch! ha. i think i just lost something important.
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