#and started consciously deciding whether to go along with things

[hanszoe]

i was reading an interview with isayama earlier and he talked about this aspect of historia in it

"Interviewer: You said '[I] decided the structure of the narrative beforehand and then created characters to match that narrative', but are there any characters that changed greatly from the character image you had in mind?

Isayama: Christa. When I first started to create the work called Attack on Titan, I thought that it would be easier to move the narrative forward if I had introduced many characters at the beginning, so I thought I should create the main 10 [characters] to start. At that time, I wrote her with the thought that readers might enjoy it if there was a cute character, what they call 'moe' (T/N, basically a caricature of often pedophilic feminine 'ideal', with a particular emphasis on helplessness), but she ended up being a character who was completely empty aside from just 'being cute' (laughs). So, to start, I had absolutely no fun drawing Christa. But as the story advanced, 'being empty' instead became Christa's personality. Her superficial exterior was good, but in fact she had no interiority to call 'herself', to say that she was empty. The outcome of ridding herself of her prior existence of 'meeting demand', that personality has become helpful from the standpoint of thinking about the narrative's development too, and she has now become one of the characters that I like."

[peanutpinet]

BABE!!!! We absolutely need a second part to Little Things, we need to know how their relationship develops and see Sylus fall in lover with reader's soul. PLEASE BABE PLEASE!!!

Welcome to My World - Sylus x Fem Reader (Sequel to Little Things)

Request: Craving for a sequel to this w/ reader actually going back to her world and sylus just defying all odds shshshshs these kinds of fics are so interesting love em <3

A/N: Just a lil something for those who wanted to see what would Sylus be like if he were to actually come out of the screen and into our world (still having his evol but is not addressed). Also if anyone is a Kpop fan, I just want to say, do have a listen to Aespa’s Welcome to My World. It embodies this fic so much and am putting some of the lyrics into the story! I hope you guys enjoy!!

Disclaimer: I do not own the images nor the characters or you (the MC). All images were taken from Pinterest.

Also, if you haven't read Little Things, the "first part" of the story, do have a read. Will be link here. But you don't have to read it and can just read each of these fics seperately

Warnings: Fluff but mainly ANGST, Isekai Theme, Will be Going back and Forth between LADS universe and our universe, slow burn because Sylus is tryna find you :))

Funfact: I remembered the TV Show: Westworld and how the characters of the game gain conciousness when writing this fic

Songs to listen to: NCT Dream - Broken Melodies, Aespa - Welcome to My World, NCT Dream - Like We Just Met

N109 Zone - 01:48 AM

It was in the middle of the night. When all are asleep, people in the N109 zone, those in the shadows have only started to wake up and get on about their day, including Sylus. Slowly awakening from his slumber, Sylus saw the girl that was beside him, fast asleep. Her chest was rising and falling in a steady motion; indicating that she was in a deep sleep.

Smiling to himself, Sylus decided to scootch a bit closer and caressed the girl’s cheek. But as he did, the girl immediately grabbed his wrist tightly and jerked awake. “Who the fuck…w-where am I?!”

Hearing the girl’s words, Sylus knew. “You’re not her…”

Real World - 09:28 AM

You woke up with a pounding headache but slowly regained your consciousness, you noticed how the bed wasn’t as big nor was it as warm as when you were used to. Jerking up, you took in the room you were in. The bright white ceiling was the first thing you see, the smell of alcohol and blood was faint but you could smell it, and then you heard a beeping noise which made you turn and saw that your hand was hooked onto a monitor and an IV drip.

Whipping your head around, you search for your phone until you find it and immediately look at the date when you suddenly get a notification from both Instagram and Twitter mentioning the new update for Love and Deepspace.

“I’m back…” you sobbed yet your fingers glided across the screen of your phone, pressing the game that you swore you were in

As the game loads, you see the cutscenes of all of the characters and can’t help but feel emotionally overwhelmed whenever you see Sylus’ cutscenes.

Once the game loaded and you could hear that cafe jingle along with those familiar red eyes, you tried to see whether or not anything had changed in the game other than the new updates but when you clicked on his tall figure, the lines he said were nothing out of the ordinary. Even in the text message icon, you couldn’t text him like you did when you were in the game.

“Was it all just a dream?”

“Y-you’re awake!!” you heard someone talk and as your eyes looked at the doorframe, it was the nurse

You soon found out that you had been in a coma for a little over 2 weeks yet it felt like you were in the game for 2 months, maybe even more. Your best friends came to visit you every day and now that you’re awake, they were bombarding you with food, life updates, and all.

For once, you actually didn’t feel as lonely as you were when you appeared in the game.

Maybe it truly was all just a dream…

From a distance, a black crow was watching your interaction with your friends from a tree that was just outside of your window. After some time, the crow eventually fled and flew away from the tree.

N109 Zone - 04:18 AM

Sylus was beyond pissed. He took MC to where he took you in the beginning to get your evol and aether core checked but additionally, he wanted to know if you were truly not in the MC’s body. Sylus’ worker questioned as to why he brought MC again to check her evol and aether core, confusing the Onychinus’ leader.

Even when the two came home, the twins didn’t notice any difference from MC. What’s wrong with everyone? You’re not MC and it goes the other way as well. Why were the twins pestering MC who to Sylus, was not you.

“But boss, Miss Hunter and you have known each other for over 2 months now. What do you mean she’s not her?” Luke questioned, genuinely confused at his boss’ attitude

“She’s not. Have you forgotten who taught you both how to cook the simplest meal? The one that bought you those bulletproof vests?” Sylus demanded, something, anything about your sudden disappearance or at the very least, anyone other than him remembering your existence

“It’s Miss Hunter, though?” Kieran replied, making Sylus groan. “Just, leave me alone for the next few days” Sylus left the room and walked past MC who grabbed his wrist, making his brow arch in confusion.

Sighing, Sylus turned to see MC. “What is it that you want?”

“Where are you going? I went through all the trouble to get the N109 zone and I want answers regarding the aether core” MC demanded but Sylus just chuckled and used his evol to remove MC’s hand from his wrist

“You already have the aether core you’re looking for. Why don’t you go back and ask your doctor about that? I have other matters to attend to. Like why are you here instead of her” Sylus mentioned, walking away until MC talked to him

“You’re always mentioning her but you never mentioned her name. Who are you exactly talking about and what does it have to do with me?” MC questioned and this time, Sylus grabbed her by her neck and pinned her to the nearest wall

“Don’t tempt my patience. I only have so much left ever since your attitude shows up instead of something else I want. From here on out, I could care less about your little quest. You can even have that brooch you’re wearing to get in and out of the N109 zone without getting harmed. But I want you to leave. Go back to your doctor, that fish man of an artist, or fake hunter for all I care. When I come back to this place, I hope that you’re not here anymore. Or you’ll hurt even more” Sylus warned, releasing MC as he went who knows where.

Sylus went into his car, the car that you love to drive in. Though you were just a soul in MC’s body, he could immediately tell the two of you apart. What scent do you like, the small trinkets that you would buy to keep his things more organized, some small keychain plushies that he would put on his keys which is in contrast to his scary look.

You might just be a soul that just so happens to be in MC’s body, the body of a person he should’ve been interacting with, the one he should’ve been bound to. But why does his heart feel incomplete? Why does his soul long for your own.

Gripping onto the steering wheel, Sylus looked at the plushie you put in this car. It was a koala, one of your favourite plushies, because you told him that you looked like a koala when Sylus carried you around. “I swore to you that if this were to happen, I would find you. Regardless what happens, I will find a way to get back to you. Our stories’ unfinished, sweetie. Wait for me. I’ll do anything to get back to you”

Real World

It’s been several months since you woke up. You still played the game but not as often anymore. You got a job at your friend’s office as a secretary. It pays well, you and your friend are roommates, life has been going fairly well that you barely played the game that provided you comfort.

One day, however, there was a bouquet of red Carnations mixed with pink Camillas on your desk with a note attached to it. “I hope this gets to you. If this ever reaches you, it means that I’m another step closer to seeing you again. There’s this uneasy feeling I’ve been feeling since you were gone. I promise I won’t stop finding you”

Confused, you asked everyone, including the delivery man who delivered the flowers to you but no one knew where it came from. It didn’t even mention your name and only a description of you.

Brushing it off, you thought it must’ve been some kind of prank until several more flowers reached you. One after another, there were notes along with the flowers which all made your heart clench because whoever this person was, it seemed that either you left a very deep impression on them or this was some sort of stalker.

“Did the first one reach you? I’m getting closer”

“I hope that you’re eating well. Wait for me”

“It seems that you’ve forgotten about me once more. No matter, I’ll be sure to jog your memory once we meet again”

Another year has finally passed and the bouquet and notes kept on coming until you saw the flowers and notes that came in. Instead of the usual red Carnation or pink Camillas or even sometimes Forget me nots, this time it was a bouquet of black and red roses with a note of a familiar handwriting and scent.

“I’ve finally found you. You said that you were worried about me finding the real you but to me, you’re just as perfect as your soul. Your face, your body, it matches your soul perfectly. And even though you might’ve forgotten about me, I assure you that my love for you is still the same like we just met. Perhaps in the game, I would allow you to go live your life without me because it’s safer for you. But here, looking at you, I can feel myself coming alive once more. Whether you try to move on, I know that there’s a lingering feeling behind your pretty head thinking of the possibility. And you would be correct, sweetie. I’m fulfilling my promise to you. For there is no love greater than mine.

P.S: we should thank Mephisto for always managing to find you when I couldn’t

-Sylus”

You were in shock. Sure, there was a small voice, hidden behind all your to-dos, your schedules, your wants, likes, needs. A faint voice telling you of the possibility that perhaps Sylus was the one to send you all those flowers and notes but you were in your world, the real world. You would lock that faint voice and never think about it again. You were realistic. There was no way that a fictional 3D man would send you all of that.

And Mephisto? He’s a bird. A mechanical bird that is tied with Sylus. Everything seemed ridiculous. You couldn’t think straight for the rest of the day until your boss called you for a sudden meeting outside of the office and at a restaurant.

The restaurant was filled with high-class people, some were doing business with another while others were simply finding ways to spend their money. Suddenly, it reminded you of the time when you were in MC’s body and Sylus would take the two of you out to dinner.

Remembering Sylus, the flowers, and the note, you decided to excuse yourself to the restroom but in reality, you decided to log into the very game you downloaded to seek comfort. The nostalgia was coming back. They made a new update and introduced a new male character. Once your game loads, Sylus is still in the game and when you poke him, thinking that he’ll respond like how he would when a player hasn’t logged in for so long, he surprises you.

“You’re probably wondering why am I not responding to you in a way that you expect. Well, why don’t you check my messages on the message feature, sweetie?” Sylus mentioned and immediately, you went to open the message feature in the game and once again, you were shocked with what you read on the screen that you had to cover your mouth.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it, kitten? I’m sad that you’ve forgotten about me but I’m genuinely happy with how you’re living your life so far”

“But if I were to tell you that I want to be apart of your life here, would you accept me?”

You were given the chance to answer him, to reply to this sudden message but your boss had already called you back and unfortunately, you had to go back to the table and sit beside your boss.

As you were about to sit down, you heard that familiar soothing voice that always calms your nerves; especially when you’re in the N109 zone. “Is this your secretary that we’ve been waiting for?”

Immediately, you looked up and met with those soft bright red eyes behind small glasses. The white hair you’ve gone through with your fingers was styled like how you first met him. The figure sitting in front of you was wearing a soft grey sweater and black jeans.

And that smile, that smile that you’re so used to seeing everyday is now showing in front of you again. “Pleased to meet you, sweetheart. Shall we begin the meeting?”

Throughout the meeting, you tried your best to pay attention and jot down all the notes you needed. You struggled for a moment and even towards the end, you stutter your thank you and goodbyes until the white-hair man called you.

“Waiting for someone, sweetie?” you heard that damn voice as you could feel all hairs on your skin stand up

Turning around, you finally got a good look at him. All of his 190cm height was towering over your figure. Your actual real-life self and not the MC you created in the game.

On one side, you wanted to talk, to question him if all of this was just another one of those visions you used to have. On the other, you wanted to jump at the man in front of you. To cry in his arms as he holds you close. But nothing. You were frozen in your spot as this Sylus look-alike smirked at you and held his index out which suddenly a black crow rest on.

“Is, is that…” you managed to utter, making the man in front of you chuckle

“Mephisto. An actual crow this time” he said, extending his hand out so the black crow was within your reach

Extending your own index out, the black crow, Mephisto went onto your index and you instinctively stroke its head. “We never stop looking for you, you know”

You look up to see those eyes that once were filled with rage now filled with sadness. Sighing, you tried to remind yourself that this is the real world, not your game.

“I'm sorry, sir. You must've gotten the wrong person. I don't think we’ve met before this meeting today. Your bird must be very friendly to have gone on another person’s hand” you mentioned, intending to return the black crow, still not believing that the man and bird in front of you are who you think they are

But instead, the man in front of you turned and took something from his pocket. “Is that so? Well then either you don’t want to remember what we’ve been through or Mephisto might’ve gotten the wrong person. Then how about we reintroduce ourselves to one another?”

“I’m Sylus, this is Mephisto. We were from a faraway land called the N109 zone. For the past year, I've been building my multimillion security tech company” Sylus mentioned, extending his hand out, revealing the brooch that you once wore as a promise to Sylus to stay by him

Shocked to see the brooch, you stutter at your words but Sylus noticed this and gently took one of your hands which you didn’t deny. “I meant what I said and I’m keeping my promise. My only regret is I couldn’t come find you sooner”

“H-how? This has got to be a joke. You’re not real. You’re not actually here. I must be dreaming again. I’m going mad” you started to lose your mind but Sylus pulled you into a hug

“Tell me this isn’t real then. Tell me that you don’t see me. Tell me that you don’t feel this warmth we both have wanted for a long time. Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll gladly walk away from you so that you can continue to live your life as is but don’t expect me not to want to be a part of your life. Don’t think that even if I walk away today, I won’t try my best to still keep an eye on you” Sylus stated, whispering into your ear, kissing right below your ear

Taking in his calming leather scent, you slowly sob in Sylus’ chest as he strokes your head, calming you. “You’re such a stubborn crow” you finally hug Sylus, indirectly accepting him back into your life

“I know. But it’s worth it. I finally get back to you. Though I can’t offer you as much as I would when we were in the N109 zone, I do promise you that I will be here this time. I’m not letting you go that easily. So, you’re willing to let me back?” Sylus asked, making you chuckle

“Welcome to the real world, my world, Sylus” you said, getting on your tiptoe to give his cheek a kiss but instead, Sylus turned his head, held your neck and leaned for an actual kiss

A/N: Ngl, I was simping over my own writing of this. Where can we find an irl Sylus T^T

[melrosing]

ok so over the years I have had a LOT of asks about whether I really believe that Jaime's story is a redemption arc and I don't humour them as much as I used to bc apart from having made most of the pertinent points many times over, I do think it's just self-evident in the text, and indeed in GRRM's own statements in interview.

plus, it is an extensive and detailed arc - it's like being asked over and over again to explain why I think Arya's arc is about identity. there are any number of answers you can give, but just how long is an exhaustive answer, who has the time, and isn't it obvious anyway???

and the thing is that when ppl come to u asking you to contradict an 'anti-redemption' take, what they're generally asking u to argue with is like. a carefully curated twt thread of quotes that, sure, compiled like that can look like an argument.... but honestly, you can make any argument you like in that way. and such 'arguments' are exhausting to disagree with because you'd have to carefully re-contextualise each and every quote, which ofc, have been deliberately de-contextualised, and frame your argument around each. and I think that just brings me to the plainer point that these people are not writing real analysis of the text. they're running through a book with a highlighter pen, which is really only the prep for an actual analysis.

you cannot make a point about a character's arc by isolating lines to say 'quotes that show X being Y, therefore foreshadowing Z', or, for example, 'quotes that show Jaime thinking about Cersei, therefore foreshadowing that he will romantically return to her' or whatever. this doesn't work because what this style of 'analysis' completely fails to do is account for the structure of the story they're reckoning with.

I think a lot of ppl like to pretend with ASOIAF that structure does not work the same way here as it does in another narrative, because GRRM likes twists. and I disagree. for example, something people like to say about ASOIAF is that you can never consider your faves truly safe, but I think that's been vastly overstated. we know Arya isn't dying before she returns North, because fundamentally we know how stories work. we know Arya's story points back to Winterfell - that her story is about the long journey home. we know she's not dying in Braavos because: we just do. there's a reason that if you poll people on who is surviving this story, Arya will rank pretty highly, along with Sansa and Bran. people sense the structure behind the Stark kids' stories - they somehow know, without being told, that the story is not building to their deaths.

because all of us have grown up with stories, we have an innate sense of their rhythm, and how they're supposed to go. they can surprise us, but if we've learnt anything from Game of Thrones, I hope it's that the twist cannot come from nowhere. ASOIAF succeeds because GRRM pays close attention to these rhythms. even as he's making it up on the fly, he is clear about what beats go where. they may last longer than in a different story - in another book, Arya would probably be home by now - but we still understand what each beat plays in a broader arc.

and an arc is SUPPOSED to broadcast itself. sometimes it's subtle, other times it's not, but generally it is not something that you can only recognise has taken place at its very end point. even though Arya has not yet fully reclaimed her name, we know she will. likewise for Sansa. even though Bran has not come into his powers, we know he will. we DO actually understand that.

so when people say that Jaime is not redeemed yet and his prevarications in the Riverlands means he never will be, they're either 1) consciously or subconsciously denying the arc they can sense GRRM is writing, or 2) they're just not that media literate. it's there, it's obvious, it's broadcast clear as day. Jaime starts bad. we get to know him. he proves himself capable of better. he decides to pursue better. he is constrained in his pursuit of betterment. he breaks free of that constraint to pursue betterment properly. and yes, this probably is a tragedy where Jaime's best efforts will still cost him dearly, and there's a strong chance he does die! but your baby trebuchet quote collection is not accounting for the clear narrative beats of a redemption arc, which the baby trebuchet actually feeds into if u were paying attention! this arc has not been painstakingly set up for a rug pull. Arya is not being set up to go 'fuck it actually I'm no one and I'm staying in Braavos'. that is not satisfying. that is not what stories are for. that is not what GRRM is doing.

so when GRRM tells you that this is a story about redemption: believe him! he knows what he is writing! the struggles of some twt user who hates Jaime should not be concerning you! and as we've said 100 times: it IS up to you whether you forgive Jaime, same as it's up to you if you forgive Sandor, or Theon, or Zuko your spiritual king! that choice is yours! but your feelings do not change what trajectory this story is taking! so yes MY GOD it is a redemption arc now let me die

[semisomnosres]

I'll try to throw in a little bit of lore

A mysterious disease that only the Norisu clan could resist at the cost of their lives. Unfortunately, it was not possible to completely eradicate it and it terrorizes the city to this day, and only a ninja, thanks to the mask, can fight monsters without being absorbed by this filth. The disease is called the “Sorcerer’s Curse”; in ancient Japan it was believed that all illnesses and misfortunes were the fault of demons/yokai/punishment of the gods and other evil spirits. It all started with the fact that one of the first infected was mistaken for an evil sorcerer who cast a curse on everyone, which was completely wrong, but rumors spread like wildfire, and somehow, imperceptibly, this name stuck. (The First already has a shitload of things to do, he is one of those people who, if he could, would not blink so that he could work more, but coming up with an adequate name and then accustoming people to it is clearly not what he wants to spend his time on.)

Mutated beasts appeared just as unexpectedly along with the infection. Ugly, evil, hungry creatures, wreaking chaos and eating everyone they find. They usually live and hunt in their own territory, but at the same time they have the audacity to sneak into the city to hunt. The curse had a strong impact on the environment, poisoning the land for years and changing it over so many years so that some places resemble nightmares. (For example: Trees that look like a trypophobic hell, boiling swamps where even the steam burns to the point of pain, living pieces of meat growing straight from the ground and other delights that an adequate person would not want to see in person)

It’s relatively safe within the city, except for moments of monster attacks (which a ninja can handle) and shitty weather: hail of icy needles, acid rain season, etc. This is already common and people have adapted to such conditions over so many years. But there are also truly dangerous places where only a ninja or a complete idiot would go. (the level with the swamp from Dark Souls says hello)

From time to time, Randy has to go there voluntarily (forcibly), because only there can he get ingredients for some drugs (like those cones for creating smoke bombs) Infected people - It is quite easy to distinguish from animals - by preserved human features, personal belongings, hair, and the ability to speak humanly (but usually it turns out something incoherent, or the infected person repeats the same word) Over time, their consciousness and body will change more and more: they will begin to forget about themselves, become more aggressive and experience constantly incessant pain from body deformation and insatiable hunger (The speed of development of the virus depends on the person, some can retain their sanity and control over their actions to the last, while others They immediately break down and begin to attack those around them)

Although there are difficult situations, it will be possible to reverse the transformation, but there is an exception. - if they eat a person, or simply taste blood, then they are immediately classified as beasts and belong to extermination. (there is another point of infection, which I will talk about a little later). As in the canon, they are also called Abominations, but for a slightly different reason. In origa, their breath simply stinks, here the unpleasant odor appears due to the decomposition of cells by parasites. They smell like rotten meat in swamp soil and metal.

Logically, I decided to make changes in the approach to battles. (combat medics) They also use weapons/magic, etc., but in the original the ninja has a choice of how hard and how deep he will push the nunchucks into someone’s insides, there are more choices of poisons and types of heals.

Another idea is that it depends on the character of the ninja whether the treatment will be painless or even the feeling of an injection will be the same as being hit with a knife

And I will mention a person who has an important role in the city - McFist. As a true smart-ass capitalist, he managed to make money from the epidemic. (And more precisely, selling all sorts of devices for home protection, umbrellas against acid rain, alarms, etc. And his second profitable industry is the funeral home) Not to say that he is a straight-up villain here, he rather has the vibe of an annoying neighbor. It infuriates him that a ninja, in the heat of fulfilling his duties, can (accidentally) ruin some of his stores, and the ninja is annoyed that it’s up to him to clean up the consequences of some of his awesome ideas (for example, he will build a plant right near the borders of the city, where in the end the pipeline became for monsters highway directly to the city sewer system.)

[chiharuuu22]

There's a flow going on in my head. It goes something like this.

It was almost midnight when the alarm blared. Whumpee woke up with a start and winced in pain. Something was going wrong, but Whumpe was unable to move. His body was weak and full of wounds from defeating a powerful enemy, so he could only lie on his bed. As he tried to get up, Caretaker and Member A entered. Caretaker helped Whumpee, while Member A helped pack up. Caretaker helped Whumpee put on a jacket, socks, and a shawl while explaining that the enemy might have discovered their headquater. The enemy would attack them again sooner or later. The Team Leader decided that they should evacuate the headquater tonight.

Once they were finished, they left the room. Whumpee hobbled along with Caretaker, and Member A said she would get ready in the car. Outside, everything looked chaotic and tense, and all members tried to secure their data and important items before leaving. Whumpee also saw two other injured members being carried away.

Whumpee, Caretaker, Member A, Member B, Member C, and Member D boarded the same car and left immediately for another headquater. The Team Leader divided his members into small groups and sent them in different directions to outwit the enemy. When they had moved away from the base, they all heard the sound of an explosion. Yes, the Team Leader destroyed their headquater to prevent the enemy from detecting them next.

Member D drove the car quickly and occasionally changed his route to make a run for it. The way he drove the car meant that everyone had to hold on to their places. Meanwhile, the Team Leader's voice kept coming over the radio where he instructed various things.

Whumpee sat leaning against Caretaker. He really didn't feel okay. His whole body ached, his head was dizzy, and his stomach was queasy. Unfortunately, they could not stop to create as much distance as possible. Everyone in the car felt sorry, but they had to keep going tonight. Whumpee understood and he didn't protest, but because of his condition, Whumpee felt useless.

Whumpee vomited many times. Cold sweat was pouring down his face, tears were flowing, his breathing was labored, and his body was shaking. Caretaker tried to calm Whumpee down. Whumpee groaned loudly when their car hit a speed bump, then he vomited again. Whumpee felt like he had to vomit to get rid of his nausea. However, there was nothing else he could vomit.

They traveled for hours and during that time Whumpee felt like he was going to die. Caretaker tried to make Whumpee feel better by helping him drink or slipping pieces of chocolate in his mouth to give him some energy. Whumpee was just trying to keep him from losing his consciousness. At least, during this escape.

When they finally reached the other headquater, Whumpee really couldn't feel himself anymore. Whumpee lost his consciousness. Whumpee did not know whether his two comrades were the same as him or not. Whumpee was just grateful that they made it and fainted when Member D finally entered the secret garage.

Whumpee woke up on a bed in a dimly lit room. He saw Caretaker adjusting his IV and walked over to him. Caretaker said Whumpee had been unconscious for most of the day. Caretaker also said they were in a hidden headquater in Region X. Caretaker explained that everyone was safe except Whumpee and the other two who were both injured, all of whom fainted after arriving.

This new place was not as comfortable as the previous base, but at least Whumpee could rest to recover. Caretaker smiled warmly soothingly, her hand stroking the back of Whumpee's hand gently before asking if he wanted to eat a little.

[verdantglow]

Guys. Guys the smalletho brain rot is ramping up again. I spent the last two weeks in a flare from hell & have been listening to my Spotify Wrapped Top 100 almost every day & a solid SIXTY-FOUR of the tracks on there are just my Life Series smalletho playlist & my Retail Purgatory AU smalletho playlist & I have been semi-consciously rotating them in my mind, day after day, & I just. I need to start actually navigating the line between 'want to keep details of RPAU to myself so they are surprising in fic' & 'I want to post every single detail I've decided so far just so I can at least scream them into the tumblr void instead of inside my mind.'

I think I should probably just stick that line along whether or not things are actually part of the plot of the fic or just things that come up, because, honestly, I know so many things about this AU. So many.

Like.

Joel is tumblr famous. He's been on the site for ages & his blog consists of a combination of shitposting, clapbacks, & the most absurdly artistic photos of his excruciatingly well crafted models of mini scenes.

No one online knows who runs the blog & no one IRL knows that Joel has a massive online following & is actually a big name artist in the mini scene modeling sphere. Ren & Martyn actually both follow him & straight up do not know it's him. Like. They don't even know that's a hobby Joel has.

Grain & Jimmy both vaguely know that Joel does some kind of mini making & posts about it online & people seem to give him money for it sometimes??? (He sells most of the models he makes online & also has a semi-lucrative Patreon.) Grian's never cared to dig further into that aspect of Joel's life. Jimmy tried to find Joel's tumblr years ago, but got so overwhelmed trying to figure tumblr out & saw so many things he very much did not understand nor particularly need to know existed that he never tried to find it again.

Scott knows about Joel's tumblr. Joel does not know that Scott knows.

At some point along the timeline of the fic/post-fic, Etho accidentally reveals Joel's secret tumblr life to some of their friends, not realizing it was so much of a secret.

Joel is ranting to Scott & Lizzie about this & Scott is just like, "Oh, was that a secret?"

"YOU KNEW?!"

"Yeah, for a while. Joel, your hands are in every one of your videos."

"But you've never mentioned it!"

"I thought you just didn't like to talk about it."

"...Do you at least follow me?"

"Mmmm, no. I get plenty of your belligerent humor in person, thank you."

Guys. I know the tiers in Joel's Patreon. I know the costs & rewards for all four of them. I have multiple pages written about all the Apple Geniuses & what their alignments as Geniuses are & what having them help you in an appointment is like. I know what stores characters that aren't in the Life Series & might Never Appear in this fic work at. I know what sort of video games Etho & Joel play in this AU. I know the layout of Etho's apartment. I know what's in the medicine cabinet at Etho's apartment.

I need to start sharing some of this or I am legit going to explode.

[reaper2187]

Asami sato x firebender reader

I still remember the first time I saw her.

It was during one of my training sessions, when I was still a young firebender trying to master my abilities. As I practiced, I couldn't help but notice her, standing at the back of the room, her long dark hair tied up in a ponytail and a confident aura surrounding her. I was instantly captivated by her beauty and strength.

Asami Sato, the heiress of Future Industries, was well known among the benders community. Her business empire was built on groundbreaking technology and innovation, and she was also an accomplished non-bender martial artist. Her reputation preceded her, and many firebenders admired her from afar.

But I was not content with merely admiring her from a distance. I wanted to get to know her, to be a part of her world. And so, I mustered up all my courage and approached her after the training session.

To my surprise, not only did she reciprocate my interest, but she also offered to help me improve my firebending skills. Asami could see the potential in me, and she was more than willing to mentor me.

With her guidance, my skills as a firebender improved tremendously. I was able to control and manipulate flames with ease, creating intricate shapes and patterns with my fire. Asami was patient and understanding, never once losing her cool even when I struggled with a particular technique.

As we spent more time together, we grew closer. We shared stories and experiences, and I learned that Asami was more than just a powerful businesswoman. She had a kind heart and a fierce determination to make the world a better place.

I found myself falling deeper in love with her with each passing day. Her strength and grace were irresistible, and I felt grateful to have her by my side.

But we both knew that our love was forbidden. As a firebender, I was expected to marry within my own kind. And Asami, being the heiress of Future Industries, was constantly watched and scrutinized by her father and the public.

However, our love was stronger than any societal expectations. We decided to keep our relationship a secret, knowing that the consequences could be dire if anyone found out.

Despite the risks, we were happy. We sneaked away to spend time together whenever we could, whether it was on a rooftop under the stars or in a secluded area of the city. Asami even started to join me during my training sessions, bringing along her latest invention to assist me in my training.

Our love blossomed, and I felt like I was living in a dream. But as they say, all good things must come to an end.

One day, while we were enjoying a peaceful moment in a garden, we were ambushed by a group of firebenders who were against any kind of relationship between a firebender and a non-bender. Asami and I fought against them, our bending skills meshing together perfectly as we defended ourselves.

But it was no use. They outnumbered us, and just when I thought the end was near, Asami stepped in front of me, using her martial arts skills to fend off our attackers. However, in the chaos of the battle, she sustained a severe injury, and I was too preoccupied with protecting her to notice.

When the attackers were finally defeated, I rushed to Asami's side, my heart sinking as I saw the blood seeping through her clothes. With tears in my eyes, I tried to heal her injuries with my firebending, but it was no use. Her injuries were too severe, and she needed medical attention immediately.

Without hesitation, I scooped her up in my arms and rushed her to the nearest hospital. As her life hung in the balance, I prayed to the spirits, begging them to spare her life. I couldn't imagine a world without Asami by my side.

After what seemed like an eternity, she finally regained consciousness. She looked at me with a weak smile, and I knew at that moment that she was going to be okay.

Asami's father, Hiroshi Sato, arrived at the hospital soon after. He was shocked and angry to find out about our forbidden love, but as he saw the love and care I had for his daughter, his heart softened. He gave us his blessing and even offered to help us keep our relationship a secret.

From that day on, Asami and I were no longer just two people in love. We were a team, facing any challenges that came our way, together.

Asami and I eventually got married, and we continued to train and support each other in our respective abilities. Together, we used our skills and resources to make a difference in the world, just like we always dreamed of.

Looking back now, I realize that our love was the catalyst for great change. Our love had the power to overcome any boundaries and obstacles, setting an example for others to follow.

And as I stand here, beside my wife Asami, I couldn't be more grateful for our love that started in a training room. It was a love that transformed not only our lives, but the world around us.

[fanby-fckry]

Thinking about UH3!Alastor’s feelings on cheating and adultery.

Content Warning: implications of period-typical racism for the late 1800’s and early 1900’s, brief mention of saneism/ableism

…

Alastor was born out of wedlock. Mainly because interracial marriage was illegal; his father was white and his mother was not.

His father eventually got married to a white woman Alastor has never met, and as far as Alastor is concerned, she’s the other woman. His mother was there first. It doesn’t matter that his parents weren’t married; the unfaithfulness was committed with his father’s new wife, against his mother, and not the other way around. (And honestly, he’s right.)

Meanwhile, his mother likely felt ashamed anyway, and I think he picked up on that. I think he hates his father – for many reasons, and this is one of them – and his step mother, and their perfect little family built on secrets and lies.

And then the Morningstars come along.

Because remember, when Lucifer first starts hitting on Alastor, he has no idea Lilith is in on it. He assumes, up until Bloodlust and Butterflies Chapter 6: The Pride Before, that Lilith doesn’t even know, and up until Metamours, he’s still somewhat convinced that it’s an open secret that Lilith tolerates the way his mother and stepmother did – each vaguely aware of the other’s existence, with neither being too happy about it.

What I’m saying is, Alastor spent SEVEN YEARS thinking he was Lucifer’s affair partner. Or at least that he was playing at being one, when he was still messing with Lucifer during the 6 year failed seduction.

He spent 7 years putting mental distance between himself and Lilith, because if he thought about her too much, he’d run the risk of comparing himself to the woman who stole his father from his mother. (He didn’t even like his father, but it’s the fucking principle of the thing!)

And Charlie adds a whole other layer to things.

Charlie is an only child. Just like Alastor (not including potential half-siblings he never met; I haven’t decided whether or not his father had other kids, but his mother never did).

If Alastor had been Lucifer’s affair partner – as he assumed he was for 7 years – he would’ve not only been stealing Lucifer away from Lilith, but stealing him away from Charlie.

I don’t know if he would’ve felt remorseful, exactly – remorse is a complicated emotion for Alastor, and one he very rarely experiences – but I think it would’ve been devastating all the same if he dwelled on it long enough.

All that anger and hatred he felt for his father and stepmother would be reflected back on himself. His ego would take a huge hit, which – if you’re not familiar with the realities of NPD vs the ableist armchair psych version – could lead him down a self destructive spiral because that’s his coping mechanism, that’s his shield.

So he couldn’t allow himself to think about Lilith or about Charlie. Even more than he couldn’t think about his feelings for Lucifer, he could not under any circumstances think about what that would mean for Lilith and Charlie.

I mean, it’s no wonder he reacted the way he did at the prospect of being under the same roof as them:

A record scratch played from behind Alastor’s head and static hung over his words as he spoke, “At the palace? Where your wife and daughter live?”

“Yes, well Charlie will be out with her friends, so we-”

“And now I’m questioning your sanity,” Alastor snapped, cutting Lucifer short. “Because that still leaves the matter of your wife. I can't imagine she'd be all jakealoo seeing her husband in a romantic setting with another man!”

Hey, how many times do you think Alastor had to consciously ignore Lucifer’s wedding ring?

Mans didn’t take it off when his wife left him in canon; there’s no way it came off during Lilith-sanctioned rendezvous while they’re still happily married. (The Lucilith divorce is NOT canon in UH3.)

Lucifer wouldn’t think anything of it – he’s not doing anything unfaithful; he’s not going against Lilith’s wishes; he has no reason to feel guilty or conflicted about wearing it – but to Alastor, it’s a symbol of the union he’s intruding on.

Gods, I wanna write this so bad. I have so many stories I want to tell in this universe.

[egoryann]

March’25 ˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚

March was an interesting, beautiful month.

This month has been a busy one for me. I’ve accomplished many of my goals and gotten to know myself a lot better. I wouldn’t say I’ve been consciously on a path of self-reflection, but this month, I seem to have done a lot more of that.

March felt blue to me—a rebirth into a new version of myself.

Completed Goal

75 Soft Challenge

I challenged myself to do the 75 Soft Challenge at the beginning of the year. I wanted to see if I could build more positive habits and spend less time on my phone. I completed the challenge, and I have to say—it helped. Throughout the challenge, I noticed I was being more mindful of what I ate, the exercises I did, and the type of content I consumed.

This challenge also helped me rekindle my love for reading. Since starting, I’ve read 12 books—already surpassing my goal for the year. So, yay me!

I will admit, though, that I didn’t wake up at 7 a.m. every day. It was more like 7:30. I’m a night owl some days, and that early wake-up time was a little too much for me.

[my 75 soft challenge and affirmations I used along the way]

What I Learned This Month

I learned this month that sometimes, you wake up and simply choose yourself. This month, I decided to let go of everything that no longer served me and focus on myself.

I had lost a spark in me due to a lot of different factors, and I was starting to miss it more and more. I knew it was getting bad when I found myself yearning to be the girl I was at 19. Even after accomplishing many life goals, I still missed that version of myself.

I’ve always believed that when you start longing for a past version of yourself, it’s often because your future self is asking you to change things now.

So, I decided to go after things without overthinking. I had been considering cutting my hair for a long time—so I just did it. I started doing the things I enjoy and got comfortable with being alone. I put myself first, and it’s been amazing. After nearly six years, I’ve relearned the value of doing things for me.

Healing My Inner Child

I started to feed my inner child a lot. I felt like I was losing my creative side to comparison. For some reason, this month, I compared myself to everything. That’s usually not like me, but it felt like nothing I created was good enough. I kept measuring my work against everyone else’s, and no matter what I did, it never seemed to measure up. I was falling into what I call my marketing brain instead of simply enjoying my hobbies.

I was stuck in a cycle I couldn’t break—so I decided to do things I enjoyed as a child or when I was younger. I colored, sketched clothing designs, and made collages. I stepped into my childlike creativity, and it helped me so much.

Connecting with my inner child made me realize how much of my creative brain was being burned out by comparisons. I was suffering from what felt like imposter syndrome. None of my work felt like my own, or it lacked the vibe I was used to. So, I took time to sit alone with my creativity and let myself be a beginner again. I didn’t care how bad it looked or whether it was visually appealing—I just enjoyed myself.

📓✧˖°. Book I have been reading to help with my creative - The Artist Way

Movies and TV Shows ˙✧˖°🎥 ༘ ⋆｡🎞️˚

I watched a lot of great movies and TV shows this month. I started getting back into the Golden Age of Hollywood. I’ve always loved the storytelling in these films. I’m not always the biggest fan of the acting, but the stories feel like a breath of fresh air even today.

Lately, I feel like a lot of movies have started to get repetitive and, honestly, harder for me to get into. That’s not to say I haven’t found any hidden gems, but I did watch one of the most painful movies of my life on Netflix this month. Hint: it’s Aftermath with Dylan Sprouse. 😬

➤ A Face in the Crowd (1957)

➤ A Patch of Blue (1962)

➤ Street Gang: How We Got to Sesame Street (2021)

Top 3 Songs 𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋🎧ྀི

Last month I listened to over 4,000 minutes on music as my Spotify DJ KEEPS reminding me. March, I listened to the same three songs on repeat. I don’t know what it was but this songs really spoke to me. They all reminded of something I was going through or a message being sent to me through music.

➤ Your Interlude - Sabrina Claudio

➤ Thinking Less - Sinéad Harnett

➤ Love Hangover - JENNIE

YouTube Videos That Helped A Lot

Give me 21 minutes and you’ll never suffer again - This video really helped me understand stand the cycles I have been trapped in. Through genetics and life experience, we take on other pain that is not necessarily ours. We have to require ourselves to stop holding onto limiting beliefs because our minds don’t know the difference between the past, present, and future.

Rewire your mindset in 3 days - Key takeaway from this video was that it is never too late to change your mindset.

1. Define your dream reality or anything you want to achieve now

2. Prepare to receive it

3. Get in the mind of gratitude and tackle those limiting beliefs

[themindcrowave]

recurring jing yuan thoughts #2... a spiderverse AU

so i've been thinking about spiderverse jing yuan lately..... trying to decide whether he's a spider or a gwen/MJ

- if he was a spider he'd be able to travel dimensions,,, he'd definitely have a backstory similar to miguel o'hara's about trying to find a reality where everyone he loved was back together again, but unlike miguel, once that reality inevitably goes wrong he either:

- decides to really focus on his emotional healing and grief processing or

- becomes a compartmentalization master like he is in the game

because either way he knows he can't properly help others and be a leading figure if he can't move past his own grief first. he would rather gnaw through his own arm than push his old emotional scars onto the young spiders he's met and formed family with along his journey. he might have lost his first found family but he'll be damned if he loses his chance at another.

- and then just like in-game, jing yuan will meet the people of his past again... i'm thinking dan heng is a spider from a parallel universe where dan feng's weakened consciousness ended up after he was completely wiped from jing yuan's dimension, so basically dan heng was always his own person of course but then he started having visions of a lifetime parallel to his own lived by someone who looked exactly like him (insert my gwen stacy theory bc WOW does it fit him)

- blade would be kinda like the usual spiderman villain setup where his undying situation is all because of a terrible science accident and his main motivation is to find the ones involved in what happened to him (the og high cloud quintet friend group) and exact vengeance so that maybe he can finally disappear in peace (basically the same as in-game)

- baiheng's death was probably jing yuan's first devastating "canon event". i think he wasn't around to save her when she died (and he couldn't have been, he didn't even know where she was or what happened to her until he heard the news) and that guilt will forever eat away at him... i'm thinking she died in an aircraft accident but i haven't decided what kind yet

- dan feng was a genius scientist. he experimented with a lot of things that he probably shouldn't have and always pushed the boundaries of scientific possibility,, especially after baiheng died. he started secluding himself in his lab and only yingxing ever had any success at visiting him there for any substantial period of time... which is exactly how yingxing got caught up in dan feng's plan to bring baiheng back (think kingpin bringing his family back with the alchemax super-collider) and subsequently cue the horrible accident which turned him into the immortal blade

- oh and then of course jing yuan, being spiderman, has to track down and apprehend dan feng for what he did and decide his sentence (life imprisonment) but dan feng's family clan had him assassinated in prison for reasons jing yuan was never able to completely uncover (and a nagging little part of him will always feel like dan feng's fate was his fault)

- i think jingliu was jing yuan's superhero mentor... not sure if she was a spider too, or just another masked hero in the area who took him under her wing when he was new to his powers. just like in-game, she was the one who introduced him to the rest of the group, and just like in-game she will go completely berserk and become a vigilante with no clear morals or objectives after baiheng dies. like with dan feng, jing yuan has to track her down and try to get her back. unlike with dan feng, jingliu decides that given her shattered mental state the safest option for society as a whole would be for jing yuan to defeat her then and there, once and for all, simultaneously saving the day and proving his graduation from her mentorship. and, well. he did.

- there's yanqing (young spider, official mentee, and unofficial son of jing yuan) thoughts rattling around in here too, but words are difficult so unfortunately you'll have to put your full imagination to work here and just try to feel the "i'm-putting-this-character-in-a-jar-and-shaking-it-like-a-mixed-drink" vibes for yourself! cheers

[salamandergoo]

have an amazing day here's a thought for you: steve lives for soft moments. when they happen he lights up, feels like he's floating. the full feeling in his chest when someone tells him he's done a good job, or he looks nice, or when someone gazes into his eyes and kisses him so sweetly. he feels so giddy with it, feeling so seen. his heart starts racing, each beat pumping out happy happy happy. loved loved loved.

Once again. This got very out of hand and is very not edited, super stream of consciousness from the last couple of days. I decided to go for a vaguely polyam spicy six ❤️

Oh absolutely. Steve craves attention, always has. He didn’t get much from his parents growing up, was always talked over and ignored. He figured that any attention was good attention, even when his friends were being cruel to other people (or him), he was scared to go back to being alone, an afterthought.

After the demogorgon in the Byers’ house, Steve’s heart is pounding and he’s hopped up on adrenaline.  He’s confused as hell but the way Nancy and Jonathan thank him feels… really good.  He likes it, likes that he did something right this time.

He spends more time with them after, tries to do nice things for them.  Eventually, it’s less for the praise, there’s less of that as time goes on, it just feels nice to do things to help them.  When the events of season 2 come around, he helps Dustin and protects the kids in the junkyard.  He likes it when they stare in awe, even if the adrenaline is making him dizzy this time, feeding into the absolute terror that had flooded his head.

After the fight and the tunnels, Steve feels sick and dizzy and miserable as he waits for the real adults to get back.  Waits to hear if the nightmare is over and he can go home to lick his wounds.  Hopper tells them it’s over and the kids shout over each other to tell him about Billy, about the tunnels, and Steve is braced to be yelled at for putting the kids in danger.  Instead, he gets a big hand ruffling up his hair, which, ow, and Hopper tells him he did good.  That he’s a good boy (and whew, there’s something Steve wasn’t ready for his body’s reaction to).  But he did good.  He did a good job, he protected the kids.

Nancy isn’t his girlfriend anymore, things with Jonathan are just as stilted as they had been to start, but Dustin keeps coming around and telling him how cool he is and asking for advice.  Steve’s more than happy to give him advice and talk about high school and listen to his rambles about dorky shit.  He starts giving him rides after the Snow Ball and Max starts to tag along, so of course Lucas is going to follow her.  Before he knows it, he’s got 5 kids to keep track of, 6 if you count him babysitting El and bringing the kids with him to see her.

His senior year ends with little fanfare.  He’s not going to college, whether he didn’t try, he’s looking for a reason to kick around Hawkins and keep an eye out, or he just genuinely didn’t get in, he’s not going.  Things at home are more tense than ever, so he’s grateful to have a job and be out of the house.

He doesn’t get along with Robin at first, not for lack of trying.  His hands tremble a little most of the time and his handwriting was never good to begin with, so her first jabs are about the illegible specials he writes on the board.  No matter how hard he tries, he always has to ask her to write instead.  And it’s weird that they work so many hours together, that they work nearly every day.  He can’t seem to find other names on the shift schedule, it’s like they were the only ones hired, the bare minimum staff to keep a place running.

But there’s not time to question it.  He has trouble remembering the right toppings for different sundaes and the ratios for milkshakes, has to keep a cheat sheet on hand to reference.  He picks it up though, even if he has to cheek his sheet, he’s fast and coordinated, doesn’t spill toppings nearly as often as Robin, something she seems to expect him to mock her for, even though he never has, usually just grabs the broom and holds the dustpan for her.

She laughs when he strikes out with girls, and he’s not really trying.  He doesn’t think he can handle a relationship, it still aches to see Nancy and Jonathan, even if he can talk to them normally now.  So he doesn’t lay on the charm and fumbles through pickup lines to make Robin laugh.  He likes her laugh, he thinks he likes her more than he’s liked anyone since Nancy (and Jonathan).

She calls him dingus but smiles at him, thanks him when he picks up the heavy tubs of ice cream that she struggles with, and they find a camaraderie of teasing jabs and jokes about terrible orders.  Who gets orange sherbet with peanuts and caramel drizzle anyway?

You know how the Russians play out.  He’s almost relieved when she rejects him and comes out to him in the bathroom.  He likes Robin so much and he doesn’t think a relationship, a romantic one, would suit them well.  He thinks he’d lose the playfulness and comfort they’ve come to find with each other.

He loves when she tells him he did a good job, feels like one of those dogs that can’t stand still because their tail wags so hard.  It’s not the same feeling like when Hopper (god he misses Hopper) would tell him he did a good job or Nancy would smile at him when he did something write.  It’s not hot flames in his gut, it’s a gentle warmth like a blanket.  They land a new gig at Family Video, after Jonathan (he misses Jonathan too, misses him in a way that hurts, like he’s never missed anyone except maybe Tommy at first) and his family leave.

Robin is easy to work with, easier than ever before.  Now they have actual coworkers, more people to fill out the schedule, though mostly Keith who hates him.  But he’s got most shifts by himself or with Robin and finds his rhythm in it.  He doesn’t hit on girls anymore.

In the bathroom, he’d told Robin he wasn’t in love with Nancy anymore, but he’d felt it in his gut that it was a lie when Billy Hargrove (shouldn’t he be more sad about him being dead?  Is he a bad person for being relieved?) almost killed her.

Every time she came in, every time he saw her, something in his chest ached.  He was growing used to the ache though.  Sometimes she’d stay for awhile though, would talk with him over the counter about movies, about Mike, about calls with Jonathan.  She’d talk to Robin too, but she mostly talked to him.  It made him feel warm.

In high school, he’d earned praise easily.  From his friends, his coach, on occasion from teachers when he managed to do better than usual, when an assignment caught his interest.  But now, it came mostly from Robin, who poured out her praise for smaller things, twisting it in with her teasing.  There was little Steve wouldn’t do for her, even if she didn’t, but it was nice to receive.

The kids don’t think he’s cool anymore.  No, his place was taken by Eddie fucking Munson.  Steve doesnt have any personal grudges against the guy, aside from knowing he overcharged him.  It wasn’t that much, usually, Steve had stopped smoking after being drugged anyway, couldn’t fight lingering panic that came with the high.  He can’t help the way his nose scrunches up and his teeth clench together when he sees Eddie with his- the kids.  He knows he isn't a perfect influence on them, but he feels like he’s a better influence than Eddie.

But Eddie never approaches Steve, and Steve isn’t going to take the first step.  He tries not to think about him too much, focused on his work and keeping an eye on the kids.

He doesn’t have the option to stop thinking about Eddie when spring break hits.  There’s little else to think about when the man is holding glass to his throat, anyway.  The warm bead of blood tricking down his skin has Steve feeling petrified, looking at Robin frantically.

When it falls away, he clutches his throat and heaves in desperate breaths, letting Dustin take the lead.  Robin wipes his throat, but doesn’t say anything, not yet.

It’s all a blur, Steve wants to fix everything but knows he can’t.  He can’t help the way he stares at Nancy though, praying she’ll have the answers, will point at something for him to hit, and then it’ll be over again.  He’s doing enough that he doesn’t feel useless, but not enough to feel useful, really.

When he’s dragged back under the lake though, he can’t help his exasperation because of course this is what happens to him.  It turns into terror pretty quickly as he becomes intimately familiar with being choked out.  With being torn to shreds by thousands of needle sharp teeth.  If the Russians hadn’t inspired a fear of needles, the new association in his mind will.  He kicks and flails and tries to fight his way out of the stranglehold, but he’s in so much pain.  His back is on fire and his whole body is tense as he’s being torn apart.  His vision is starting to go dark when he sucks in a full breath.  The bat’s tail loosens enough that he can yank it away from his throat.  The barbs on it pierce his palms and his lips when he brings it to his mouth to bite down.  Hard.

He yanks the bat into two pieces and spits up the blood.  He’s shaking as adrenaline floods his system and has him buzzing with energy despite the pain.

It’s a blind panic to skull rock, and Steve is shaking as Nancy tugs his hands away from his stomach.  He’s bleeding, there are chunks of skin torn away, and he can feel that they got down to the muscle in some places.  He wants to scream and cry out when Nancy begins to wrap his wounds, but he stays quiet and bites his tongue.  He can’t draw attention to them.

Eddie’s quiet praise, his murmurs of newfound admiration are enough to have Steve feeling like he can keep pushing on despite the pain and lack of shoes.  He thinks Eddie is… maybe pretty cool.  In his own freakish way.  And when he thinks of Eddie as a freak, there’s a fondness there that he’d never felt before.

The pain doesn’t go away, but it starts to fade into the background as much as anything can.  As much as his sluggishly bleeding body can be considered background noise.

He only lets himself consider it when he’s got his feet on the ground on the right side of the gate.  He’s bubbling over with panic about Nancy and tries to take a step back to catch his breath, and then his body gives in.  His knees buckle and he lets out the tiniest noise, something anxious and desperate in the back of his throat.

He hits the ground and Nancy hurries to his side.  He thinks she’s beautiful.  He tries to pull Eddie’s vest tighter around his body, but it just makes the denim scrape over his palms.

He’s manhandled into a bathroom and zones out as Robin and Nancy fuss over his wounds and keep the door closed.  Nancy’s whispers of “good job, you’re doing so good, Steve, you’re a good boy-“

It’s the only thing keeping him standing.  He can see the way Robin’s nose scrunches at the last part, but he’s so floaty and in so much pain that he just tries to make a mental note to talk about later. 

The damp bandages are stripped from him and fresh, dry ones replace them.  Robin wipes his unshredded skin clean with a raggedy washcloth that catches on the edges of his wounds and makes him whine, then she does the same to his neck. There’s not much to be done for that, he just has to look like he’s been strung up.  He can live with that, he supposes.

He takes a nap on the floor of Max’s trailer and wakes up to his head on Nancy’s lap and her fingers combing through his hair.  He nuzzles his cheek against her thigh and whispers “did Jonathan answer yet?”

Her fingers tangle in his hair and she clutches the locks tight.  “No.  Something is wrong.”  And Steve doesn’t know all the details about their relationship, has heard parts from Nancy, has heard parts from Jonathan on the rare occasion he makes the call to Lenora.  He knows there’s something he isn’t telling her, knows she knows, knows that Jonathan knows that Nancy knows that he’s hiding something.  But Jonathan doesn’t ignore the phone, Joyce sure as hell doesn’t.  Something is wrong.

“Do you think…”  Steve grunts as he sits up, as the sleepy dizziness mixes with pained dizziness mixes with low blood sugar and dehydration.  “Do you think that everything that’s happening here is… doing something to them?”

And Nancy, who has clearly considered that angle along with a thousand others, just nods.  She seems so sad, but Robin noticed that he’s awake and he has to field her concern now too, has to fight to be heard over Dustin’s yelling and Eddie’s concern.

They steal an RV, Steve learns he definitely thinks Eddie is kind of good looking, and he drives.  He gets new shoes and clothes and as many rolls of bandages that fit in the cart.  He’s not getting caught off guard again.

And they fight Vecna and he’s choked again, and Max and Eddie and… and it’s all so much.

He wraps Eddie in bandages, barely even takes the time to pull his clothes away, certainly doesn’t take time to clean his wounds.  He figures it’s more important to stop the bleeding for now, they’ll deal with infection if it becomes a problem.

Eddie and Max land in the hospital and Robin and Nancy stay at his sides while he’s treated, Nancy pins him down until the doctors can jab him with a needle and Robin cries with him through his panic.

He just barely escapes staying the night as a patient, but falls asleep in a too small cot with Dustin on one side and Robin on the other and Nancy curled up in the single chair.  He’s told he did good and he clings to it like it’s the only warmth he can find.  He did good, he got Eddie back to this side.  He did good, right?

Two days later, Jonathan comes home, Steve watches him scoop up Nancy.  He’s trying not to let his heart break in his chest, trying to cradle the broken pieces.  He looks away to see Will hugging Dustin, but then hands are on his arms.  Jonathan stares at him for a long moment.  “I want to hug you,” he begins, slow and quiet.  “But you got hurt?  Nancy said so.”

Steve’s face goes pink almost impressively fast and he nods.  “I’m better now though.”  Nancy glares so he amends, “better than I was.  You can hug me, just… not tight.”  He lets himself be wrapped in a hug, buries himself in Jonathan’s arms.  He doesn't cry, but he sighs and nestles in close, clings as tight as he can.  He missed this, missed being close to Jonathan.  He hadn't even realized he'd miss it until it was too late and Jonathan was already across the country.

The next several days are long.  They're exhausting and he's forced to rest way more than he wants to.  But Jonathan's friend Argyle is cool to hang out with and he called Steve a good boy, which had made him need to run to the bathroom with a bright red blush.

And then Hopper is back and Vecna returns, and Steve is a mess.  He's back on his feet, but in a lot of pain.  By the time Vecna is dead, for real this time with no casualties, he's ready to sleep for a couple years at least.

During the final battle, he'd agitated his wounds and lets himself be taken home, tucked between Nancy and Jonathan.  Jonathan helps him shower and they're both desperately trying not to make eye contact.  Nancy thinks it's cute when they're both pink cheeked when they join her in the bedroom.  Jonathan's got a bandaged arm and Nancy's ears haven't stopped ringing, but they're gentle and loving with Steve, taping bandages to his sides and back.

Nancy hesitates when she's in front of him and he gets to gaze into her eyes, the way he hasn't gotten to in a long time.  When she leans in, he forgets how to breathe.  He kisses back, but he thinks it might all be a dream until the bed dips next to him.  Jonathan's thigh is warm against his and he's definitely not breathing now.  When Nancy pulls away, he just stares with wide eyes for a few long moments.  "Nance-"

Jonathan lays a hand on his thigh, thumb stroking Steve's knee, still damp from the shower.  "I hope we aren't overstepping."  His voice is soft, breath warm against Steve's skin as he leans in closer.  "We both want you to know that... that we see you.  And we love you."

Steve is horrified to find tears falling from his eyes and tries to wipe them away.  "You- both of you?  You love me?"

"I love you."  Nancy cradles his face in her hands, holding his gaze.  "I love you, Steve.  I wasn't ready to say it to you back then, but I am now.  If you're still willing to have me?"

Steve reaches out and pulls her in to kiss her again, trying to hold back his tears as he hugs her as close as he can.  He's totally pulling at his wounds again, but he doesn't even care.  He'd do it a thousand times over, would do anything to make sure this moment is real.  The tears fall down his face and drip off his jaw as he kisses Nancy.  When he pulls away, she wipes his tears and leans her forehead to his.  "Good tears?" she whispers.

"Good tears.  I thought... I was going to lose you forever.  I never stopped loving you no matter how hard I tried."  He waits for a long moment before turning to Jonathan and looking up at him with those big brown eyes.

Jonathan isn't going to wait any longer, he leans in and kisses Steve, soft and sweet.  It's their first kiss and he wants it to be nice, but man, he's wanted it for a long time.  The jealousy he'd held for a long time was just... misunderstood attraction.  Steve melts into it, is more comfortable than he's been in a long time, even if he's in... so much pain.

They help him lay down and Jonathan teases him for being in just a towel.  Then he ends up having to help Steve into a pair of underwear.  They lay down in bed and curl up together.  Jonathan whispers to him that he did such a good job, that he's so strong and brave.  Nancy tells him that he's a wonderful person and she loves him, that he's grown so much from the dork she'd fallen for the first time.  Reminds him that he's still a dork though, making him laugh.

From that night, things are really good.  He and Jonathan help each other with their injuries, bandaging each other and sharing soft words and kisses.  Everyone is busy, the Byers are trying to figure out how to re-settle in Hawkins, Nancy's parents are barely letting her leave the house, and Steve is mostly left to rest up and heal.  Argyle and Eddie are staying with him for the time being and Robin is over as often as possible.

Steve has always had a problem with falling too hard too fast.  He knows it, everyone knows it.  And even with Nancy and Jonathan's newfound attention, he can't help but notice the way Eddie leans in when he talks, the lingering touches from Argyle, the way both of them offer compliments for every little thing.  Eddie, maybe he's teasing, but Argyle is always so genuine that it leaves Steve weak in the knees.

He loves Robin more than he ever thought it was possible to love someone, but man, the way she knows him better than he knows himself if a little annoying sometimes.  Especially when she's cornering him in his own kitchen with that knowing smirk.  The smirk that says she knows he's got crushes.  Crushes plural.  And he's losing his mind over it.  He's always been pretty monogamous in the past, but he sort of likes the idea of multiple partners.  Loving multiple people.

He's already comfortable with the idea of Jonathan and Nancy, and he sees the way Argyle looks at Jonathan.  And he and Eddie have basically bled into each other's wounds, what could be closer than that?  Being called Big Boy kind of gets him going.  The two of them are getting cozy too.  He's seen them curled up in the same bed, stretching out over each other and sharing joints.  He kind of likes seeing it.  Of course, he likes it less when Robin is staring at him with those knowing eyes, nudging him and snickering.

The next time he sees Jonathan and Nancy, he pulls them right to his room and closes the door.  Nancy starts taking off her shirt and Steve turns around and makes a little noise in his throat.  That hadn't been his intention, but Jonathan has that little smirk and his eyes are all dark.  He looks really kissable and Steve gives in.  He's a weak, weak man.  Even though he really wants to talk to them about it, really thinks he needs to sit down with them to figure out what it means, if anything... he really likes sex too.

He gets to eat Nancy out, fuck her with his tongue while Jonathan kisses her, keeps her pressed up against the headboard.  He blows Jonathan too, loves being able to get his mouth on them.  He's not quite up for anything that needs too much movement yet, but being pressed between them, Nancy licking the taste of her and Jonathan off his tongue, Jonathan is pressed up against his back and stroking him teasingly slow until Steve is squirming and trying to arch into the touch.

When they're all cuddled up together, skin wiped clean and clothes back in place, Steve lets out a big sigh, face pressed against Jonathan's hair.  "I think... I have a problem."  It's a whispered confession, he doesn't elaborate for a long moment, just tries to collect his thoughts as Nancy's hand traces the curve of his hip, stroking down past his still bandaged side.  "With Eddie and Argyle staying here, I can't stop... noticing them."

"I'd hope you notice them."  Nancy is confused, but does her best not to show it, hates when she's uncertain.

"Noticing them like you notice us?"  Jonathan is a little more understanding off the bat.  After all, he looks at Argyle the same way he looks at Nancy, even though he tries not to.  "They're both pretty... you know.  A lot."

"Yeah.  Yeah, like I notice you guys."  Steve keeps his face pressed against Jonathan's hair and lowers his hand to grip Nancy's, lacing his fingers in with hers.  "I can't help it.  I lo- I like you guys so much, I really do."  He can't bring himself to look up at them, he's worried they won't want to be with him like this anymore, but he doesn't want to lie to them either.  He's found that it's really hard to lie to people you've risked your life for, almost died for.

"Argyle's cute."  Nancy holds his hand tight.  "I mean, you'd have to be blind to not notice him.  Eddie is... I'm not sure I'm his type," she hazards.  "I mean, Robin's kind of cute, don't you think?"

"Nance, I'm not dating Robin."  A moment passes before his breath catches in his throat.  "Wait, are you saying...?"

"Oh, so you two can be bisexual but-"

"I'm not saying that!"  Steve wiggles to roll over and face her.  "That'll blow her mind if you tell her you think that."  He grins and leans his forehead against hers with a low sigh, leaning in to catch the briefest of kisses, a gentle brush of his lips to hers.  "Like, seriously blow her mind.  Let's just say Jonathan and I wouldn't be her type."

"Oh."  Nancy's cheeks turn pink and she giggles, drops her head to hide it against Steve's chest.  He feels nice like this, both of his partners curled in close and within reach.  He chews his lip for a moment and kisses Nancy's head.

"Jon?  What do you think?"

Jonathan's breath is warm against the back of Steve's neck.  He's quiet for a moment, a thoughtful quiet, though.  "I think... I think you should go for it, tell them what you think, what you have with us.  And... I think if they make you happy too, there's no reason not to pursue them.  Unless you want to stop what we have."  His arms wrap around Steve a little tighter, but he's mindful enough to avoid putting pressure on injuries.  "If that's the case, push those feelings down and ignore them and stay here forever."

"I don't want to stop what we have.  I just... think it would be nice to have something with them too.  I mean, don't you?"  Steve wiggles again, but this time he gives up halfway through and lays on his back.  It hurts a little, but the bandages give him enough padding to relax.  "I think... you and Argyle seem really sweet together.  He looks at you with this... softness.  You deserve to be looked at like that."  He wraps his arm around Jonathan and is mindful of both their injuries as he pulls him in closer.  Jonathan goes easily with little tugging needed, just goes down and pillows his head against Steve's collarbone.  He presses a shy kiss to the skin under his lips and cards his fingers through Steve's chest hair.  He's quiet, but it's not an uncomfortable quiet.  It's content.

Nancy, curled into Steve's other side, reaches out to cradle Jonathan's cheek.  "I think it could be nice.  I mean, I'm going to try and defer for another year.  Wait a little while before I leave for Boston.  It... would be nice to know my boys are taken care of when I do leave."  She smiles and looks up at Steve.

Steve is still for a moment.  Her boys.  He and Jonathan were hers, huh?  Something warm curled in his chest and filled it, he was tempted to pull both of them close and keep them right here for as long as he could.  "Yeah.  I mean, maybe in another year, I'll be ready to get out of here.  I'm not ready for that yet, though."

"Neither am I."  Jonathan closes his eyes and sighs.  "But at the same time, I can't wait to be far, far away from this town.  I can't leave Will and El behind though, we thought it was over last time and we were so far away... but it still came back."

Steve strokes his hair a few times and Nancy's hand falls from his cheek as she nods.  "Yeah.  God, when we couldn't get ahold of you... and Mike was with you, I was so scared.  I'm just... I'm glad you're back."  She bites her lip and smiles, a faint little thing.  "I'm glad you had Argyle, though."

"Me too."  He nuzzles his cheek into Steve's shoulder.  "I mean, you have no idea how nice it was to have someone to switch off with for the drive.  It was awful, Mike and Will were... you know how they get.  Once we actually found El, it was... stifling."  He drapes his arm over Steve's waist and shakes his head.  "I would've lost it if Argyle wasn't there.  He's the only thing that kept me from going totally off the rails."

Steve leans in to kiss his head.  "Guess we have a lot to be grateful for from him, then."

"So much," Nancy agrees.  She sighs and closes her eyes, hair splayed out around her head on the pillow.  "I think Eddie likes you, by the way."  She nudges her leg against Steve's.  "I mean, he looks at you with those big brown eyes and it's like he thinks you're the sun or something.  And to think, you were the bane of his existence less than a year ago."

"Yeah, yeah, I was the dumb jock he hated to think about."  Steve smirks a little.  "Is it bad that I really like the idea of him not being sure if he wanted to punch me or fuck me?"

Jonathan snorts and jostles his arm.   "You would like that."

"I thought it was hot when you punched me in the face."

"You what."  Jonathan sits up, expression unimpressed as he stares down at Steve.  "You can't tell me that awakened something in you."

"It totally did, I'm sorry."

Jonathan groans and throws a leg over Steve to straddle him.  "You're a nightmare, I can't believe I like you so much!"  He pretends to throttle Steve, holding his shoulders and shaking him a little.

Steve cackles and reaches out to grab his waist.  "Hey, hey, hey, I'm injured!"

"You had it coming."  Nancy props herself up to watch them, eyes crinkling at the corners.  She's beautiful.

"You weren't too injured earlier."  Jonathan stops shaking him though, settles his weight back.  He doesn't climb off though.  Steve's shirt is loose on him and shows off his collarbones.  Steve sighs and holds back on the urge to sink his teeth into flesh.  Their eyes meet and there's a certain playfulness in Jonathan's gaze that he's never gotten to see like this, had never been able to appreciate.  There's a warmth there too, and even if his fingertips are freezing sometimes, there really is a warmth to Jonathan, an openness he only shows to certain people.  Steve feels honored to even be a part of that select group.

Nancy hums and reaches out to hold Jonathan's hand.  "Get off of Steve.  For now.  I'm tired."

"A nap sounds nice."  He lets himself be swayed and lands between her and Steve, wiggles into the gap to make room for himself.  He's warm, the bed is soft.

Steve shifts to lay on his side again and his heart swells as he takes in the moment, the laughter that still bubbles in his chest, the softness in Nancy's eyes, the warmth of their skin pressing together.

No matter what happens, if he confesses to Eddie, if Nancy says something to Robin or Jonathan takes the first step with Argyle, he isn't scared of losing this.  For the first time in a long time, he doesn't feel scared.  He feels warm and loved and content as he pulls Jonathan in closer around the waist and makes eye contact with Nancy over Jonathan's head before he lets his eyes fall shut.

[anhed-nia]

BLOGTOBER 10/17/2024: COMMUNION (1989)

I promise I'm going somewhere with this, but:

I wrote this thing recently about I KNOW WHO KILLED ME, a movie I really love but that I have certainly told people is astoundingly bad. I mean I have evangelized for it heavily and it has brought me a lot of pleasure, but I also wasn't thinking about it very flexibly. I often give the general public a hard time about imposing literalist rules on movies that have ambitions that differ from, like, an essentially hygienic and rule-abiding Hollywood release, but I'm guilty of this too now and again. So when I sat down to write this thing for CBR, I began to realize that I really didn't want to say anything snarky about I KNOW WHO KILLED ME, and then by the final draft my whole attitude about it had shifted--in part because of interviews I read with the director and the writer (one is linked in there) about what they really intended. It's a mistake to watch that movie and think that nobody knew they were doing something campy, surreal, even magic-realist at times, even funny-on-purpose occasionally. You can argue about whether it is completely successful, but it does seem like viewers at large (ahem) said, "We decided that you were trying to make a regular old erotic thriller, and this is much too weird and ridiculous and abstract for that, so therefore you suck." Which is not only unfair, but it limits what you, the viewer, get to think about and experience.

If you've seen Philippe Mora's COMMUNION, then you may have guessed where I'm going with this. This incomparably bonkers adaptation of Whitley Strieber's credible and complex abductee memoir was pretty much panned and forgotten about, except by people who are happy to tell you how zany it is--and those people are not wrong, but I think there's more to it, perhaps especially in its zaniest moment. Christopher Walken plays Whitley, who struggles to acknowledge and accepted that he is being routinely kidnapped and experimented on by aliens; sometimes his suppressed memories have the quality of a dream whose abstraction mutes the trauma of what really happened--say, when he sees himself from the outside, and his body has been replaced by a large toy. But at the same time, his direct, conscious experiences become stranger and stranger, perhaps in proportion to his efforts to consciously control them.

For the climactic abduction, Whitley dresses in a sharp suit and fedora--clothes that confer confidence, that he must think will help him dominate the situation--and greets the aliens with a conciliatory handshake and other honorific gestures...and they just make fun of him. Then comes the notorious dance sequence, where bossa nova starts playing and they all party (I think, I don't have a good grasp of latin subgenres, don't hit me), and Whitley hangs loose, going with the flow, still clinging to the idea that he can handle the abduction with grace and dignity. The aliens respond by scaring him in a bizarre new way. They're not going to let him play along.

Whitley is confronted with his doppelganger, a sinister figure masquerading as a magician who mockingly repeats everything Whitley has said during the abductions: his pleas for mercy, his angry threats, his attempts at distancing humor. He then confronts Whitley with something we also see in FIRE IN THE SKY--that the stereotypical smooth, impassive alien face is actually a mask that hides an unthinkable horror--but Whitley doesn't flinch. He finally starts to grasp that this is all an illusion: "It's like a Chinese box...you're not going to let me see it, are you?" The alien magician confirms as much; that for whatever reason, humanity will never be allowed to see this phenomenon for what it is.

Whitley Strieber wrote the screenplay for COMMUNION, and while these scenes don't transpire in his book, they do reflect the essentially irrational, incomprehensible nature of the abduction experience. Every time you try to give it a name, it turns into something else, mocking your petty attempts at rationalizing. In the book, Whitley entertains a huge number of possible explanations, giving the lowest priority to literal animals driving literal space vehicles. He relates his experiences to ancient folklore, religious epiphanies, and neurological phenomena (he doesn't have the vocabulary in 1987, but the DMT machine elf phenomena would fit what he's getting it). Here is my favorite passage:

"If mine is a real experience of visitors, it is among the deepest and most extensive as yet recorded, and I hope it will be of value if they emerge. If it is an experience of something else, then I warn you: this 'something else' is a power within us, maybe some central power of the soul, and we had best try to understand it before it overcomes objective efforts to control it."

This has been my very elaborate way of saying that people deprive themselves of greater possibilities when they see a really weird movie and assume that it is simply failing at the aims of an ordinary movie. Too often, people assume that such high weirdness could only be the result of a big mistake made by idiots or lunatics--that it couldn't possibly have its own unique goals. A lot of people have a peculiar resistance to the idea that something that is genuinely weird could be deliberately weird, and by extension they can't accept that something that is deliberately weird can simultaneously be deliberately funny. And if they can't get that far, they definitely won't get that humor has different purposes and effects; it's not always about laffs, sometimes it's critical, sometimes it's harmful, sometimes it interferes with your sense of reality and insults the accepted rules. There's a purpose to all that. And if you still don't believe me, here are some amusing facts about director Philippe Mora that may shed a helpful light on why COMMUNION is the way it is.

"Experiment on a rat presumed," synthetic polymer paint on composition board. Philippe Mora, 1970.

[cinderella-ish]

Your WIP list is so intriguing!! I am curious about ‘if the maid went after Akito instead’, and ‘if Yuki never confronted Kyo’ :)

Oh yay! I'm so excited they sound intriguing! (WIP asks here)

Both of these story ideas are for my series That Day in the Rain, which is a collection of canon-divergent AUs set on (or around) the day Tohru fell from the cliff. I'm a little obsessed with that part of canon, partly because it's such heavy angst and I live for that, partly because of Yuma Uchida's phenomenal performance as Kyo, and partly because so many things had to line up exactly right for things to happen the way they did on that day. It's really interesting to think about all the different ways that day could've gone!

So, if the maid went after Akito instead of tending to Kureno's wounds, I think the first thing that would change is that Kureno's odds of survival would drop significantly. He probably wouldn't have survived with no one to tend to him.

The maid probably would've been able to disarm Akito and coax her inside, and other staff would've fretted over her (drawn her a bath, called Hatori to check on her, etc...). Her nervous breakdown would've probably turned into her worst depressive episode yet.

Without Akito's arrival at Shigure's, Tohru and Kyo would've confessed to each other, but nothing would've called Kyo back to the house that day. Kyo would've kept going wherever he was going (I think he would've turned himself into the estate to be locked up in the Cat's House), and Yuki and Shigure would've returned to the house to find Tohru still out front, soaked from the rain and distraught over Kyo's response to her confession.

This is basically where the story would start. I'd have to figure out how Kureno's death would affect everyone (especially Arisa and Akito), how Akito's mental state would affect Kyo's plans to submit to his confinement, how/whether Kyo and Tohru would find their way back to each other, how the tension between Shigure and Akito would resolve, and whether Tohru and Akito ever become friends.

(Full disclosure: I'm not 100% certain that Kureno would die in this story, but even if he survived, I do think he'd have more severe and permanent repercussions. I have a broad idea of how Kyo and Tohru's storylines would go, and an idea of the overall tone and theme, but there's a lot I have yet to figure out!)

If Yuki never confronted Kyo after he left the hospital, I think he would've instead completely shunned Kyo (along with Arisa, Saki, Rin, and maybe a few others who would be very angry with Kyo...). Kyo would believe he deserved it, and would also believe it was only a matter of time before Tohru ended up with Yuki, based on what he said to Yuki during their fight in canon.

When Tohru eventually returned from the hospital, I'm not sure whether Kyo would still be living at the house and just reeeeally awkward around her/mostly avoiding her, or if he'd have moved back into his old room at the dojo to try and give her space/not have to face his own feelings. He might start skipping school, or maybe even try to enroll at a different school.

Tohru, on the other hand, would be trying (and failing) to act like everything was fine, while simultaneously terrified to see Kyo and desperately pining to see him again.

Tohru and Akito would be friends in this timeline, and Akito would've already informed Kyo and Kazuma that Kyo wouldn't be imprisoned upon graduation.

At some point soon after Tohru is released, the curse would break. Either a different person's curse would break spontaneously (and Akito would then release the rest of them), or Akito would consciously decide to let everyone go without the impetus of anyone else's curse breaking.

Upon learning the curse broke, Tohru would have a lot of bittersweet feelings. She'd be glad for all the formerly-cursed Sohmas, of course, but still heartbroken over Kyo's apparent rejection of her confession. Knowing she could now hug him yet believing he wouldn't want to would be painful in a whole new way.

Similarly, Kazuma would be beyond relieved that Kyo wouldn't be locked up any more, but he'd be heartbroken knowing Kyo was still giving up on trying to have the future he actually wanted at Tohru's side.

Momiji, ever the gossip, would probably have some knowledge of the broad strokes of what happened between Kyo and Tohru. Upon learning the others' curses broke, he would probably expect Kyo to try and make things right, and would confront him when he doesn't. I don't think this would be enough for Kyo to act - he'd still think it was better for Tohru not to be with him. But Momiji has long been the catalyst for Kyo to get his shit together when it comes to Tohru, so maybe it would be enough? (I think Kagura would struggle with Kyo's inaction, too, for similar reasons.)

Kyo would watch for the day Tohru and Yuki get together, and would be completely shocked when he learned Yuki was with Machi. I think, at this point, he would ask Yuki why he wasn't trying to be with Tohru and this would set off a version of their confrontation. I think Kyo really needed to hear that he *was* protecting Tohru by making her smile, and that Yuki had admired him all along, before he could accept that he might actually be a good partner for Tohru. I'm not sure if he'd have this confrontation directly with Yuki in this timeline, or if he'd learn the truth through someone like Kakeru. (This is the part of the story I'm least sure about, because while I think it's important for him to hear this stuff from Yuki, I also don't want this story to just be "what happened in canon but like a month later," yk?)

At this point, I think Kyo would want to talk to Tohru immediately to try and set things right, but her friends might be even more protective than they were in the hospital arc (and they might be a little more justified, tbh). So, he'd have to figure out how to win them over, and how to let Tohru know he's in it for real, while also hoping she still loved him, too. And of course Tohru still loves him, but she''d struggle *hard* in the aftermath of her confession and his apparent rejection. I think she'd have a lot of doubt directed at herself in this case, and would worry Kyo was just trying to keep her from crying. So they'd have to work through that, too.

Anyway, thanks for giving me an opportunity to talk about my WIPs!! I'd love to hear your thoughts on these two!

[thebigrideproject]

Connecting across time and space

So I made it to Chicago. 80 miles yesterday. I took my time of course, stopping for a few minutes at a park bench somewhere south of Milwaukee. Ate the last of my apples and a bunch of almonds.

The path I took from Milwaukee to Schaumburg/Arlington Heights was a nice one at times, deeply frustrating at others. The path through Waukegan was perhaps the most frustrating bit of riding, with stop signs every block along the bike route. There's no flow, no momentum, and I can feel myself burning through my brake pads and my brake rotors. I begin to think that riding on the road and trying to behave like a car as much as possible is actually superior to this stop-go, stop-go quality of urban/peri-urban bike paths.

I even made a sing-song game of it. The game goes that you sing the words "stop sign" to yourself as long as it takes for them to stop being words and start being just mouth noises.

Try it. I'll wait. My record is about 20 seconds.

Any-who, it doesn't help either that Waukegan and Racine are not particularly "nice" cities in terms of their level of care and presentation. It feels like the corner where Chicago's sprawl pushes its lower socioeconomimc class (largely black and brown communities too). Peri-urban grunge with an annoying bike path.

Once you get past Waukegan, you actually get some nice flow with fewer stop signs on the path (the McClory path, by the way) and you come upon a small town absolutely crawling with cyclists. Lake Bluff I believe it's called?

I was feeling the need for coffee and a bit of a break at that point (I think I'd riding for four, maybe five hours at that point) and, seeing all the cyclists in town, I decided that was a sign.

Cycling is very interesting as a community, as we walk around with what are essentially big conversation starters. The bicycle (and, to an almost equal extent, your attire) is symbolic or suggestive of so may things, if you know how to interpret the signs. Most, if not all, of us 'brand' ourselves in some visible manner. That isn't to say that we wear clothes with brand names all the time, but rather that we present ourselves in a way that communicates our identities, whether we're aware or not. We certainly make judgements about each other based on visual appearance and, if you can interpret the signs, I would even guess that most of us are pretty accurate.

One of the biggest lies that we are told as children is that "you can't judge a book by it's cover". Although maybe it's too harsh to call it a lie, so much as it being more nuanced. Truth is, we judge everyone at first appearance. We present ourselves strategically, even if not consciously.

And of course it can be bad when that initial judgement overrules your actual experiences with a person when you get to know them better, or prevents you from opening that door to begin with.

There is a group of cyclists sitting around a table, and one of them compliments my bikepacking setup. So we chat, and they ask where I'm coming from. I say the UP. They ask where in the UP, because one of them is apparently from the UP as well. When I mention "Houghton", their eyes light up. One of them graduated from the high school there, and went to the university I teach at now.

I ask when he graduated, and he says 2004, the year before I did. We were in school together. He's the brother of one of my classmates, and we were in the Boy Scouts together.

When I'm about to tell him my name, I pause. When he knew me, 20 years ago, I had a different last name. If I use my new name, it would be meaningless. So I use my old name, a dead name. He recognizes the name.

Small world, made smaller with bikes. It's a unique idea to reflect on, that a bike can carry us across distance with some flexibility that can make things seem closer (the issues with inconsistent bike infrastructure notwithstanding), but like any visible displays of identity, can also connect us to each other. In this case, it's a connection across time and space: here we are, hundreds of miles from our birthplace, bumping into each other for the first time in 20 years.

But the name...it doesn't bother me that I had to dead-name myself so much as it is something that I think about for the rest of my ride. When we want to make that connection across time, it's required for us to remember who were we then. We have to reconstruct our identity from that time based on an imagining of how we were seen by this person, and present that past self.

I spend an hour or so in Lake Bluff. I get a cup of coffee, and hunt around for the bike shop. I find it, nestled in the basement of a downtown building. The guy who seems to run the joint, Nate, is a pleasant man, and fixes my broken cleat. I buy new brake pads from him too.

I spend more time there than I expected, just talking about bike stuff. We talk about the direction of our discipline, and ogle over his new bike (a Kona Ouroboros, a fascinating looking bike from a company we all thought was going under a year ago).

Bikes are a connection across people. After all, it's hard to hide a bike.

I'm sitting here in the hotel lobby, the next day, writing this entry. I try to journal everyday, but yesterday I was shattered. The kind of exhaustion where you don't have the energy left to get out of your clothes, to feed yourself, to clean yourself. Even lying down takes more energy than you want to expend. You just find the nearest chair and slump forward, your elbows on your knees and your head hanging down like a weeping willow.

So today is a day of rest. Physical rest anyhow.

Because today, the work in Chicago begins.

[xxlady-lunaxx]

Forbidden Love | {Doukaza}

Theme: Angst

THWANGGGG

"Master has summoned you," Nakime said, strumming her biwa. She strummed again, and all the uppermoons teleported to a platform.

"Ms?" Akaza asked, turning to Nakime.

"Hm?" she said, not bothering to look up.

"Why were we summoned? All the upper ranks are still alive. Unless it's about something else...?" Akaza said.

Nakime nodded slightly. "Something else."

"Ah." Akaza decided not to bother the biwa demon anymore, turning his attention back to the other uppermoons.

"Ohhh, Akaza-dono~! It's been a while, hasn't it?" Douma said from behind Akaza.

"We saw each other yesterday."

"Hm... Still a while, though!" the blond said, grinning. He wrapped his arm around Akaza's shoulders.

Kokushibo, thinking a fight was going to break out between the two, moved to interfere, but to his—and the other upper rank's—surprise, Akaza doesn't do anything. He just stands there, seemingly content and unbothered.

"The master...has arrived," Nakime said, strumming slightly.

The uppermoons immediately bowed, towards Muzan.

"I have come...with an announcement," Muzan said. "Rise."

The demons rose, all of them standing before the king of demons. Muzan looked angry.

"So, I've heard that some of you upper ranks are in relationships," he said, looking pointedly at Douma and Akaza. The two shuffled away from each other slightly. "And these relationships are getting in the way of your missions and you two are becoming weak. Now, this must end or I'm stripping your titles of uppermoons."

Akaza and Douma glanced at each other, worried. Sure, they both loved each other and everything but they both also cared about their places as upper ranks. Getting the title stripped away would be pretty bad. And besides, their relationship could always just 'end' but really not. And of course some of the other uppermoons would help, right? Especially Daki who seemed obsessed (or is it obssesed?) when it came to things like this, and Kokushibo who was like a parent to them.

"Yes, Master," upper two and three said in unison. They would go along with this.

Muzan glared down at the two of them. "I'm assuming you two have forgotten I can read minds. Your tricks will not work on me, so listen now. Your relationship is going to be forgotten and left behind. No doing anything you do in your pesky little 'relationships' because that is something unimportant. And besides, none of you have found a single trace to the blue spider lily. And none of you have found a track leading to the Tamayo. You uppermoons are disappointing me greatly. You're not in the highest rank for no reason, are you?" He paused, letting the information sink in.

None of the upper ranks thought much about it, the lecture being quite normal to them already. Akaza and Douma were starting to get slightly worried about the first part, but they didn't really think it meant anything—at least, not yet.

"Nakime," Muzan said in an orderly tone (No idea what that's supposed to mean).

There was a strum, a shift and Muzan was gone.

Kokushibo turned to the other uppermoons, his usually serious face broken out in concern.

"Akaza? Douma?" he asked.

The two looked up at him. Neither were all that bothered as they should've been after their master's speech.

"This...complicates things, doesn't it," upper 1 said.

"How so?" Douma asked, walking to Akaza's side.

"Master...is able to watch us, as you might know, whether or not he is in the same room." Kokushibo sighed. "He can also watch us without consciously knowing what he sees. He will be monitoring you two especially, because it seems he is aware of your relationships."

Akaza stepped back. "How do you know about it?!"

Kokushibo ignored him. "And as he is able to kill one of us easily if we so much as say his name, it is sure that he can do the same if any of us try to get in a relationship."

The room was silent as everybody processed this piece of information. Kokushibo nodded.

"But surely he hasn't had the time to do that yet...!" Akaza protested.

Kokushibo sighed. "Oh, he's the king of demons! The strongest being in the world! You should know by now he can do things faster than light."

Akaza and Douma glanced at each other while the rest of the uppermoons watched this interaction from the sidelines, confused.

Douma shrugged. "He wouldn't kill us, though, right?" he asked, opening one of his fans and fanning himself.

"I'm not sure, but I suppose he wouldn't go that far," Kokushibo stressed.

Akaza agreed and walked over to Douma. He motioned for the blond to bend down and whispered, "Douma, what're we going to do? Kokushibo-dono is right about this, and you know that."

Douma placed his hand on Akaza's shoulder and opened his mouth to say something, but suddenly, he felt like he would explode, his heart rate sped up and pain surged through his body at an unbearable speed.

He collapsed to the ground, writhing in pain. It lasted for a couple minutes, though it seemed a couple hours, before Douma was finally able to get up, still huffing from the previous occurrence.

He looked up and saw Akaza on the floor, still in pain, and rushed over. But stopped himself mid-step when he remembered it had happened when he'd touched the other demon.

Standing helplessly by the side, he watched his boyfriend in pain. Kokushibo was crouched above Akaza, not sure if touching him would cause the other more pain.

But then it stopped and Akaza let himself fall limp on the ground, breathing heavily.

Douma rushed over, taking care not to touch him, as he asked, "Are you okay, Akaza?"

Akaza nodded weakly and tried pushing himself up. But in doing so, he brushed against Kokushibo and tensed, thinking the pain would be inflicted on him again.

To his surprise, and luck, it didn't and he relaxed against Kokushibo's hold. "I think...it only works if we touch each other...?" Akaza mumbled. (god that sounds so wrong)

Douma agreed sadly. "Now what?"

Kokushibo sighed and cradled the upper three's body. "I'm not sure. But I'd suggest you two don't go near each other in case you accidentally touch. What happened?"

Akaza shuddered. "Pain. And it was like I knew it wasn't something I couldn't regenerate. Horrible feeling, nothing like I've ever felt before."

Douma nodded. "Yes, what Akaza-dono said."

"...Well, fuck," Kokushibo said under his breath, startling the other demons.

He'd never cursed before, at least not in their presence, and saying that they were shocked was an understatement.

It must really be bad if upper one, the most calm and collected demon to ever exist (in most of the uppermoons opinion), had cursed.

The multieyed demon shook his head and said, "Yes, you two most communicate through letters. I'll deliver them to both of you and I'm sure some of the other uppermoons"—his eyes swept over the room, landing on each demon's gaze before he continued—"would do the same too."

"Oh- Okay..." Akaza said. He wasn't sure he liked it, but it was the best they could do in this situation.

Kokushibo got up, helping the striped demon stand. "Are you okay, now?" he asked as he steadied Akaza.

"Yes," Akaza responded.

"Well, I suppose we'll have to find a way to get the two of you safely apart," Kokushibo said.

Douma walked over to Akaza, standing about two feet away. "Akaza-dono. I don't know if we'll be able to see each other in person again, but I love you, okay?"

Akaza nodded. "Mhm.. I love you too, Douma."

The other uppermoons stayed quiet, somehow still surprised with every new thing that popped up.

First their Master (who popped up quite literally), Akaza not minding it when Douma touched him, Kokushibo cussing, upper three telling upper two he loved him.

"I suppose it is time to go now," Kokushibo told them, moving swiftly towards the door. "Nakime, please teleport Douma to his cult room and Akaza and me to the place I usually stay at."

Nakime nodded and strummed her biwa.

Akaza looked up at the sound of the strum, finding himself in a room with velvet colored walls. "Where are we?" he asked quietly.

"This is where I live," Kokushibo informed him. "And you're always welcome to stay here as well."

"Thank you."

Kokushibo gave him a slight smile and turned. "Well, I supposed I should get the spare room ready for you."

"Spare room?" Akaza said, cocking his head to one side.

"Yes, I live in this house and it is quite big, especially because I am the only one who lives here."

"Ah, okay." Akaza went over to a chair and sat down, letting his body relax.

Kokushibo left the room, thinking about what had just happened. It would be hard for the two of them, but he would try his best to help them through. He'd often thought of Akaza as his own son, and treated him as such.

As he got the room ready, he wondered where this would take them. Would Douma and Akaza break apart, on their Master's commands, or would they continue to stay together?

{Time skip}

"Ah, Akaza, have you finished writing?" Kokushibo asked, walking into the room.

He found the younger male hunched over a paper, writing fast. He bent down and looked over at the paper. It was almost completely full, with only about an inch of space left.

"Do you need more paper?" he asked, retrieving a folder of blank papers.

Akaza looked up and shook his head. "No, thank you, Kokushibo. I think there's enough room here for me to finish it."

The multi-eyed demon nodded and put the folder away.

Dipping the pen into the ink bottle, Akaza scrawled out a few last words onto the paper and put the pen away.

"Okay, I finished," he said, getting up.

"Alright, I'll have it delivered to Douma in at least a couple minutes. At most five hours," Kokushibo told him.

Akaza thanked him and went to put the ink away.

The two moved in silence, not minding each other much as Akaza went to leave and Kokushibo to deliver the letter.

Before Akaza left, however, the higher ranked of the two stopped him at the door way saying, "Akaza, you and Douma have been communicating through letters for over two months now, how long is this going to keep up?"

Kokushibo couldn't make out a reaction from Akaza, since the other's back was facing him.

The room was quiet for a moment, the only sound being the two's breathing. And then, "As long as it takes. I'll wait until we're able to be together, for real one day. I'll wait as long as it takes for Master to remove the spell," Akaza said.

Before Kokushibo could respond, the other was gone and he was left alone in the empty room.

{Time skip (again)}

"Kokushibo-dono!" Douma exclaimed as the said male walked into his cult room. "Is there another letter? Did Akaza-dono write another one? Ohhh, give it to me, gimme!!"

Kokushibo sighed at the other's childishness but let it go, knowing how hard it must be to not be able to see your lover in person.

True, the two could always just see each other and stay far away, but it would make it even harder for the two. They would want to be able to be closer, to touch, to just be with each other, actually, and because they would only be some feet away from the other it would be hard to not just run up to them.

Which was why they settled on communicating through letters.

It had been hard to get used to it at first, but as time went by it was normal for Kokushibo to randomly arrive at Douma's cult location or for an uppermoon to deliver a letter to Akaza.

And it became a daily thing and, although it was hard, it was getting to be in the demon's regular schedule's the help the two lost lovers.

Of course, they had to make sure Muzan didn't know a thing about it, so they pretended it was letters between the two for training or information on the Hashira and such. Every single uppermoon who was helping Douma and Akaza had a fake letter that said random reports on what they wanted Muzan to think they were talking about, just in case he found out.

Luckily, they hadn't had to use it (yet) so all was clear, but of course they kept it with them at all times.

Kokushibo was brought out of his thoughts when Douma tugged on his sleeve impatiently.

"Oh, here," the older of the two said. He handed the blond the letter and settled himself on the floor. He watched as Douma opened the letter and carefully read it, his face breaking out into a (real) smile as he soaked up the love put in words just for him.

Kokushibo smiled to himself and decided to leave the blond alone. But suddenly, Douma was by his side. "Hm?" he asked the lower ranked of the two.

"Kokushibo-dono! Can you tell Akaza something for me?" Douma asked.

"No letter?"

Douma shook his head. "No, It's short and it'll be easier if you just say it."

Kokushibo shrugged. "Okay," he complied. "So, what is it?"

"Ask him when he's ready and tell him I love him so much," Douma said.

"When he's ready for what?"

"Just...he'll know, don't worry about that!"

Then Douma shooed the other out and Kokushibo was left to go find Akaza, confused as ever.

{Time skip (SORRY-)}

Akaza seemed to understand what Douma was asking. He told Kokushibo to bring the message to Douma that, 'Not yet, but perhaps soon. Also, tell him I love him, too.' Kokushibo was perplexed on what the two were talking about, perhaps something from the letters the two had exchanged. He'd never read them of course, he'd decided to be respect their privacy. It would also be easier to lie to the master if he didn't know what it said in the letters. Then he could just pretend it was about their missions or something.

So, Kokushiba headed off back to Douma's to give him the information.

He was still confused about what the two had meant about being ready (or not), but he decided to ignore it, figuring it would be best not to think too much about it.

Everything seemed to be going alright after that, until...

Muzan caught on.

He confronted Kokushibo one day and demanded answers. Upon not getting any, he read the uppermoons mind, somehow figuring it all out.

The very next day he summoned Akaza and Douma to him.

"Because you two continue to communicate with each other without my permission I shall have to do...something else," Muzan informed them. Then, he snapped his fingers and a very loud and painful buzzing sound, that seemed to cut through their head, erupted in the upper two and three's mind. They both covered their ears attempting to block out the sound before realizing they were the only ones who could hear it.

Muzan smiled. A smile faker than the love he shows to his human 'families'. "The closer you two are to each other, the more louder and painful the sound will be. If I get a single clue that the two of you are still communicating with each other, the noise will be constant and never to end." And with that, he was gone, leaving his two uppermoons in agony.

Since then, the broken lovers had stayed apart from each other, not exchanging letters of messages of any kind.

If either of them even got the slightest idea to do it, Kokushibo or Daki would jump in saying it wasn't worth it to be in such pain all the time just because they communicated.

Desperate, now, Akaza and Douma both secretly desiagreed but they played along for now.

Nearly two months had passed since Muzan had found out when a mini ice version of Douma appeared in front of Akaza with a letter written in Douma's handwriting.

Reading it, Akaza decided it was time. He was ready.

{Time skip (lovely, right?)}

Making sure nobody was following him, Douma made his way to the field. It was nearly dawn, only forty minutes till the sun rose but that didn't matter. Nothing did. Nothing but Akaza.

He stood in the middle of the field, waiting. If Akaza didn't come he would die from the sun. If Akaza did come he would die anyways.

It all came down to Akaza now. It was his choice.

_________

Kokushibo looked up at the sound of movement to see Akaza heading towards the door. "Akaza? Where are you going?" he asked, moving to get up as well.

"...Out?" the younger said, more of a question than an answer. He looked extra fidgety and Kokushibo was curious as to what Akaza was doing—where he was going.

"Well, be careful, then. Dawn is approaching soon, so get back quickly, okay? The sun'll come up in about thirty to forty minutes," Kokushibo warned, deciding to let it go—for now.

"It will," Akaza agreed.

It wasn't until Akaza had already left that Kokushibo realized he'd never actually promised to come back.

_________

The further he walked, the louder the sound got and the more painful the headache grew. Akaza clutched his head in agony.

It felt like needles were being pressed into his brain. And with each step the needles grew bigger, pushing further in. By the time he got to the field, the needles were so sharp and big that he felt as though his head would explode.

Spotting Douma, Akaza hurried forward, ignoring the furious headache.

"Douma!" he cried out, only barely remembering not to touch his lover.

Douma turned and smiled, although obviously in pain, and said, "Akaza, love, you came...-!"

"You didn't actually think I wouldn't, did you?" Although the tone was a teasing one, there was obvious hurt written in Akaza's expression.

"Well, I told you you didn't need to," Douma pointed out, even as he apologized deeply.

Akaza waved him it off and said, "I know how stubborn you are. If I'd left you by yourself you would've just left yourself to burn." He glared at the rainbow eyed male.

Douma shrugged, though wondering how in the world had the other guessed?

"So..." Akaza started, breaking the silence that hd spread between the two.

It was easier to support the sever pain when he was distracted. "What do we do? Where do we start?"

Douma sighed. "Right here, my lotus. Right here." He walked closer to Akaza, but making sure to keep a safe distance away all the same.

"Hm?" the strawberry hair colored male said. It was nice to hear Douma call him by those pet names again. It had been so long since they'd talked face to face. And, although the pain, it was a wonderful feeling even if he knew they would soon not even feel again.

"Where do you want to start, is the question. You pick, snowflake. It's up to you," Douma said lovingly. He wanted so badly to reach up and caress his boyfriends cheek but he couldn't. They were both already in pain, touching him would just inflict more on them.

"The beginning," Akaza said after a while, "the beginning of our end."

The blond smiled. "Perfect."

"Just like you," Akaza said.

Surprised by his lovers uncharacteristic act, Douma blushed lightly, caught off guard.

Akaza grinned triumphantly.

Douma glance up and saw that the sun was surely gong to rise in less than five minutes.

It was now or never. Time to begin their ending.

Akaza noticed the look in Douma's eyes and realized it was time. He was nervous of course, but he was ready as he'll ever be. Silently thanking Kokushibo and Daki for everything they'd done for the two, Akaza took a final deep breath.

The two stepped closer to each other, only a foot away. They positioned themself in a way so that, in one motion, they could hold each other tightly in their arms.

"Are you ready?" Douma asked. Rainbow eyes met honey gold and Akaza nodded.

More than ever," he responded.

The two smiled one last time before pulling the other close into a passionate kiss. Pain erupted all over their body but that didn't matter. Nothing mattered but the other as the sun rose high, burning them to dust, and they made their love be the last thing they saw.

_________

My dearest, Akaza ♡

I hope when this letter reaches you, you are alone. Are you well?

Anyways, as to why I have written this letter. I believe it is time. Or, I am ready. But the question is, are you?

I know how brave you are but this is a difficult thing to decide. Especially for a demon. Would you give your life away just to be with the one you love(d)?

Perhaps you wonder why I wrote 'loved.' Well, it is hard to know whether you still love me or not. I certainly love you with all my heart, that you must understand.

But, putting that aside for now, if you decide you are ready then the two of us shal meet at the field right before dawn.

The field, as in the one where we had our first kiss. It's cliché, I know, to have your first and last kiss in the same place, but it was the best I could think of.

It might be hard to get away from Kokushibo-dono but I'm sure it'll be easy enough.

I'll arrive at the field forty minutes before dawn. That way you'll have a little more time—if you decide to come. Of course it's all your choice.

I'm sorry, it's a lot of pressure, isn't it...? I realize that not everybody is willing to throw away their life so this must be a heavy pressure on you. I'm sorry.

I think that's enough rambling now. Besides, you'll have to read this quickly so nobody sees. Now, allow me to fill the rest of the paper with my love for you:

Akaza, I hope you still love me as I do. Your beautiful smile and kind heart. The way you talk and your lovely voice. Your strengths and your weaknesses. Your way of affection, I just love you so so much and I hope to spend my last breath on you.

I love you Akaza, thank you for reading this and remember, you have a choice. So don't pressure yourself.

I love you.

-Douma ♡

{Word count: 3628}

again, this is smth I originally posted on wattpad-

[star-spangled-bastard]

Well since you reblogged that post about being open to asks, I'm curious. What drew you in the first place to Northmoor and Ash as a pairing, and what was the impetus for wanting to write Sacred Geometry?

Thanks for the ask! Initially I thought what little info we get in the Foundation DLC was really interesting. I like the idea of them together as part of the apparent pattern of the Directors and Heads of Research seemingly gravitating to each other! Based on the in-game documents they didn't get along, at least in the initial expedition, so I knew it would take a lot for them to start to trust each other and even remotely get along. That in itself was a fun idea. My basis for their stances softening is that everyone was extremely stressed during that expedition, and Ash was, if not grieving, still dealing with whatever mixed feelings he had about Ash Sr. So I could see part of his distaste for Northmoor being that he wasn't in a good state to deal with his kind of personality, or the power trip he went on after making contact with The Board. I had vaguely wanted to write something about the pre-canon administration but didn't have a concrete (no pun intended) plan at first. When I was trying to come up with a title for Point of Contention, I had thought about the phrase "sacred geometry" since Hedron/Polaris are also a geometric structure like The Board. But I pretty much immediately decided to save that title for the pre-canon fic. And I basically started writing it as soon as Point of Contention was done. I planned on it being a oneshot like everything else, and it was going to focus on Northmoor's appointment as Director, increasing rise in power, and tragic fate. I went into it planning to examine the gradual change in Ash and Northmoor's sentiments towards each other but I was thinking it would be a trajectory from "bad" to "lukewarm" or at best mixed feelings. But I ended up having a lot more of Ash's pov than I originally planned once it got too long to not be split into chapters. And as the only other pov character until basically the end, he ended up with the line I was determined to keep in about wanting to bury his face in Northmoor's shirt because it smells like clothes right out of the dryer. (This is based on experience btw. When it's cold out I like to stand close to the forge and cotton shirts will actually heat up and give off that nice clean laundry smell. I like to think some FBC agents would find that feature appealing, though they'd probably be too afraid of him to get that close). The decision to give that line to Ash was made maybe halfway through so I just kind of ran with the idea of there being a lot of complicated feelings between them that they really just don't have a chance to work out because of all the other circumstances. That really helped shape one of the themes going on where the pyrokinesis itself is like a kind of repression. They physically can't touch each other. There is also the undercurrent of "I could love this person but my deity of choice wouldn't like it" which wasn't an intentional thing but it fits with the other themes going on in there. The main one I consciously worked toward was Ash being sort of representative of humanity and The Board of course as some divine power, so Northmoor is caught halfway between both and struggling over whether or not to abandon what humanity he has left to become like a god or to risk The Board's wrath for the sake of just being human when they demand more. That made his emotional connection to Ash make sense to me, and their growing closeness indicating him deciding (too late) that he'd rather side with humanity.

This is turning into an essay, so I'll stop here. I think I've linked this one song before in an ask game, but I'll embed it in its own post. It's a perfect vibe for what I thought the tone of the epilogue was going to be vs where it ended up