#anyway. just musing

[saturnskyline]

i've seen various takes on this but my favorite view of vegas making merit at the temple is that it's just him doing the buddhist version of that trope that's like "father forgive me for what i'm about to do"

[enigmaticvariation]

yellowjackets fans who don't fuck with taivan are the weakest links. you all will see two skinny feminine white girls stand next to each other and wax poetic about how much they mean to each other and their beautiful homoerotic longing but the moment there's a canonical lesbian relationship between a black woman and her butch girlfriend suddenly you don't give a fuck. "Oh, but tai cheated on her wife.." THEY EAT PEOPLE!!! THEY'RE ALL MURDERERS!!!! WHY ARE WE POLICING THEIR MORALS SIT DOWN AND ENJOY THE TOXICITY LIKE THE REST OF US!!!

[swordatsunset]

Oddly enough one of the most meaningful/painful parts of I Saw the TV Glow was when Owen is sitting there, watching the old tapes, someone with a family and an adulthood (or so she tells us), however small and sad that life is, and she tells us how abjectly humiliated she is rewatching them. The cheesiness of the show, its stilted and childish plots, the bad acting and bad visuals and whatever else— Owen is humiliated to have been saved by this bad TV show. And regardless of the fact that I don’t think the Pink Opaque she watches is the actual Pink Opaque that saved her, it tunes into this fascinating and essential part of living dissociated from your actual life and restored/saved/rescued by media, which is the shame of living like this. Yes, this was the thing that helped me survive; it was awful and childish and embarrassing and I can’t believe I survived it, I can’t believe I got through this period with the help of this. It’s so easy, when your life is so small, to be ashamed of your lifelines: it’s so easy to survive and look back and be horrified at how pathetic (however untrue it may be) and pitiable you were, and then, in reaction to that blinding embarrassment, lash out at your former self, try to say how much you’ve moved on (because you’re better now, of course you’re better, you don’t need to be saved by anything, right?). You loved this? The reason you’re alive is because of this? How embarrassing. How sad.

[rocks-in-space]

Once again Aabria has said something on the Fireside that has rocked me to my core in its level of depth of analysis of her character and the world.

“In the same way that Suvi’s irateness at the individualness of Orima is based on, ‘I will consider all spirits people and hold them to the same standard because I know a spirit, and I call him brother,’ that realization that Great Spirits do what they do and they're sort of beyond normal morality and applying normal lenses, is inside of Suvi now as she looks at Steel. I think that Steel as the sort of avatar of the Citadel and her disregard for the Grenaux children, like, “yeah, lots of bad things happen all the time,” she is no different than Orima in Suvi’s mind. She operates at the same scale with the same disregard for the individual, and I think if something interesting is being said about nuance, it is something about scale and size of purview, and how that can lose the importance of like individual care and how you can affect life on a singular and specific and intimate basis.”

Brennan: “…I think if you can level mountains and dry seas with the flick of a wrist, it has ceased to matter whether your origin is mortal or spirit … Maybe there's something about that level of power that removes you from the human heart of the world.”

I'm thinking lots of thoughts about this, mainly in relation to the coven witches as mortals with this level of nigh-spiritual power. Especially Hakea, who I feel really sits at that lost-in-the-sauce of scale and purview but eventually gave up and responded with apathy rather than action. But as she was awoken by Ame, she has returned to Steel- or Orima-level "Let's tear that tower down" rather than an awareness of "singular and specific and intimate" life.

It also reflects really interestingly on Grandmother Wren, as another mortal with this level of purview, likely even more so than Steel. It is her station to not remove herself from the human heart of the world; has she done that? From what we know, it seems so. But maybe being the witch of Toma was extremely important to her for keeping that level of intimate perspective. I wonder what she would have become without it. But also, we know that she had failures as a witch, and perhaps some of them did come from being too focused on the big picture of the worlds of mortals + spirits. Or alternatively, perhaps from having this extreme power but not considering the big picture enough. If you have the power to operate at this scale and pull your punches, is there something to criticize there as well? It certainly seems like the other witches think so, but I’m not sure I agree. (Thinking about “I refrain from fights I know I can win all the time”)

Also as an aside, this conversation I think dovetails beautifully with this line form EXU Calamity:

"Are all of you the heroes that you strove to be, or the villains that from time to time you might've been afraid you were becoming? In a world with this much power, what can be said to be the difference?"

[lucabyte]

Different standards

[ruporas]

it's time to go, my love (ID in alt)

[madamemiz]

sad: falling out of a hyperfixation

tragic: watching your beloved friends and mutuals fall out of the hyperfixation while you're still in it

[written-in-knife]

Hi! Do you write for Sebek? Could I maybe ask a fic where he slowly starts liking the reader/yuu but can only show it in his own harsh and loud way...the reader likes him too but eventually just gets mad at him and ignores him because he keeps blabbering about and comparing them to Malleus and keeps calling them 'human' instead of their name. He then realizes his feelings and tries to fix it, and like accidentally blurts out that he even imagined them getting married or some other crazy thing lol. Something along those lines....(he would absolutely pass out the first time he gets kissed and I am 100% convinced that he is the type of husband, later on in life, that would pass out when you're giving birth to your child)

Thanks!

Book Club

Sebek Zigvolt x gn!reader, pre-relationship

they/them pronouns, fluff, hurt/comfort but in a very light way, mutual pining,

WC: 4806 can a bitch not get carried away? holy shit.

I totally agree, he's a fainter but like also the biggest supporter? I feel like during the birth of his child he would INSIST on seeing it happen, that he'd be fine, then fuckin hit the deck the second he actually looked. I changed the prompt just a little bit because i'm a big fan of two idiots mutually pining for each other until it gets stupid :)

When Malleus asked you to reach out to his retainer, worried he wasn't getting along with his fellow first years, you were a bit hesitant. You'd heard of Sebek, mostly from others complaining about how loud he was. But you weren't one to turn down requests from dear friends, so you went with him to Diasomnia to invite Sebek over to Ramshackle with the rest of your first year friends to participate in a movie night.

When Sebek got your invitation to watch movies at Ramshackle, he almost immediately shot it down. He had better things to do than waste time goofing off with you and your gaggle of troublesome friends. But the second he said that out loud to you, Lilia appeared behind you, glaring him down and shaking his head in disappointment. He was reluctant, but revised his answer, agreeing to ONE movie night. Surely he could suffer through one evening.

You had to talk the others into it, damn near threatening Ace to be nice when you told them you'd invited Sebek. They had similar complaints that you'd already heard, he was loud, rude, bossy, but you weren't having any of their lip. You jabbed your finger at Ace when the final knock came on Ramshackle's front door, reminding him to behave as you went to answer it. You opened the door to Sebek waiting on the front porch, standing as militarily poised as ever, a basket in his hands.

"HUMAN." He shouted in greeting, thrusting the basket forwards. "Lilia sent me with various snacks to partake of during the film."

You took the basket slowly, wincing slightly as you looked over it. "He didn't... cook any of this himself, did he?"

"Ah, no. Silver insisted he just pick things up from the school store," he explained as you felt the tension in your shoulders release, "something about different tastes. I wasn't listening."

"Well, thanks." You gave him a smile, stepping aside to let him into the dorm. "C'mon, we're still setting up."

You closed the door behind him before leading him to the lounge where Grim and Ace had picked up their argument about which movie to watch, Ortho rattling off ratings for either of the movies that he pulled up from his spot on the couch. You watched Jack roll his eyes at them for what seemed like the hundredth time as you set the snack basket down on the coffee table next to the tray of baked goods Trey had sent with Ace and Deuce. Sebek was still hovering by the doorway, looking extraordinarily out of place, fingers flexing at his sides anxiously. You wandered back over to him, catching his awkward gaze.

"You can grab a seat anywhere," you offered, gesturing to the couch and chairs around the TV, "Epel's heating up some cider his parents sent over, and Deuce is off gathering blankets to make the floor more comfortable for him and Ace."

"You're making your guests sit on the floor?" He asked incredulously, raising an eyebrow at you.

"More like seating constraints are." You sighed heavily. "Grim usually sits in my lap so he doesn't have to strain his neck on the floor and everything else is just first come first serve. Deuce offered to take the floor so you don't have to for your first time here."

"I see. Very well, I will sit on the couch." He announced before marching over to sit on the far end, opposite Ortho.

You shrugged as Jack gave you a look before moving over to Ace and Grim, snatching the movie Ace was holding and bringing it over to the TV, ignoring Grim's protesting as you went. It was some horror flick his brother had sent him, which explained why Grim was so hung up about it. You popped it into the player and grabbed the remote as Deuce came in behind you, dumping an armful of blankets and pillows on the floor in front of the TV. He and Ace started spreading them out as Epel came out with a tray of mismatched mugs, setting it on the coffee table before grabbing one and going to sit in the armchair opposite Jack. Which left the spot between Ortho and Sebek for you. When Grim noticed this, he grumbled something under his breath and went to join the Heartslabyul boys on the floor, making you roll your eyes. You went to sit down, noting how completely stiff Sebek was in his spot, back completely straight, hands resting firmly on his thighs, sort of glancing around at the lounge's decor. You tried not to smirk, grabbing a mug for yourself and one for him, holding it out for him to take.

"Thank you." He nodded slightly as you settled into the couch, pulling your legs up to get more comfortable as he stared into the mug. "What... is this?"

"It's apples, man." Epel said simply, giving him a confused look.

"It's good, don't worry." You nudged him lightly with your elbow before starting the movie, Ortho flipping off the lamp next to the couch.

The movie was your typical slasher horror, it seemed the genre overlapped the two worlds. Ace and Deuce kept quietly poking fun at Grim whenever he got scared, leading him to eventually move over to sit with Epel. You stole a few glances at Sebek, trying to keep your laughter to yourself when you realized how intensely he was watching. He never flinched at the jumpscares, didn't seem to react much at all, but he was giving it his undivided attention. He didn't even glance over at you when you tried to pass him some of the snacks, having to reach around him to pass them down to Epel. When the credits rolled, Ortho turned the lamp back on and Sebek finally tore his eyes away from the screen.

"That seemed wholly unrealistic!" He complained, setting his half drank mug on the coffee table to cross his arms. "Why would they run upstairs when the exit was right behind them?"

"I wanna know how stupid you'd have to be to go investigate the spooky noises when you know someone's out to murder you." You scoffed, standing up to swap out the movie to Grim's pick.

Ace groaned, rolling onto his back to look up at you. "It's a movie. It doesn't have to be realistic."

"I just feel like the characters being morons kinda takes me out of it a little." You shrugged at him, stepping over his legs to get to the TV. "Doesn't mean it isn't a good movie."

You pulled out the horror movie, putting it back in its box as Epel stood and plopped Grim into his spot. "I gotta head out, Vil's got some facial thing he wants me to go to in the morning." He grumbled as he stretched. "I left the rest of that cider in the fridge for ya."

"Aw, alright. See you next time?"

"For sure. Night y'all."

Sebek perked up as everyone said good night to Epel, waiting for him to leave the lounge before standing up himself. "I must also leave."

"What really?" You asked, glancing at the time on your phone. "I'm sure Malleus wouldn't mind if you stuck around for one more."

"Do not presume to know Malleus's mind, human!" He snapped before clearing his throat. "Thank you for inviting me, enjoy the rest of your evening."

"Sure..." You hesitated, glancing to Ace and Deuce who immediately shook their heads. "Open invite for next time, by the way. We do this every other weekend." You ignored the boys on the floor as they dramatically rolled their eyes, Ace even going as far as to bury his face in a pillow to grumble into it.

"I... will think about it."

When Sebek returned to Diasomnia, Lilia and Malleus were waiting for him in the lounge, Lilia immediately perking up as he walked into the room.

"So? How'd it go?" Lilia asked, folding his arms on the back of the couch and propping his chin on them, practically kicking his feet in anticipation.

Sebek hesitated for a moment as they stared at him. "It was enjoyable." He landed on with a nod. "There was hot apple juice, and your snacks seemed to be appreciated."

"Did you enjoy the film?" Malleus asked, pleased his plan of "get Sebek to make friends" seemed to be working.

"Not particularly, but everyone else seemed to. I also utilized your advice, Lilia."

"Oh?" Lilia hesitated for a moment as he thought, turning to Malleus slightly. "...Did I give him advice?"

Malleus shrugged, shaking his head slightly as Sebek continued. "To not talk during any show or film. You explained it to me when I rudely interrupted one of your drama shows."

"Ah yes! Well, good! I'm glad you had fun!"

"I believe the Ramshackle dorm hosts these events on a regular basis," Malleus mused, "perhaps you should attend them again, when you have the time."

Sebek wanted to say it was only because Malleus encouraged him to that he returned for movie night, but he'd be lying if he said that were the only reason. The movies were never good, but he enjoyed the camaraderie of watching and disliking them as a group. It took a couple times of him going to actually stay for the second movie, and one time the third, which usually only Ace and Deuce would stay for since they had sleepover permissions. After that, you started waving him down in the cafeteria at meal times, Silver and Lilia having to shove him your way the first few times you did. Sebek noticed after awhile that you were the only one to ever sit next to him, and you knew it was because the others didn't want him yelling in their ear. You didn't bother telling him that, however. But he grew to appreciate your presence at his side, handing him snacks, muttering to him during particularly terrible parts of movies-- which is how he found out that talking was allowed during movies and shows, but you had to keep it to a whisper-- propping your arm on his shoulder to accentuate your point when you were getting really into a story, explaining things in a very casual manner when he didn't quite understand. It was nice. You were nice, he liked you. Perhaps... as a bit more than a friend. He nearly screamed into his pillow when he made that connection before falling asleep one night. He desperately tried not to make his affections towards you obvious after that realization, trying to keep up the casual, friendly atmosphere that had been set. But he thought about you far more often than he'd like to admit.

Which was why he was hesitating by the door to Ramshackle. It was movie night, he did still have a standing invitation, but he was finding it harder and harder to focus on the movies when you were always right there. He eventually did knock, confused and a bit concerned when he had to wait longer than usual for you to come to the door. He saw your face pop up through the window, giving him a confused look before a realization hit. He heard you curse to yourself before pulling the door open, giving him an apologetic look.

"Shit, Sebek, I'm so sorry," you said quickly, pulling out your phone as he looked you over, finding you in your pajamas, "I forgot we never added you to the group chat. I'll do that right now..."

"Has something happened?"

"Yeah, everybody else cancelled on me." You huffed as his phone dinged in his pocket. "Ace and Deuce are on lockdown cause they broke something at Heartslabyul, Epel's on lockdown because Vil found his snack stash, Jack sprained his ankle, and Idia is having some sort of mental breakdown about a girl group I think? Ortho's handling the fallout."

"Is Grim not present?"

You scoffed, rolling your eyes as you stuffed your phone back in your pocket. "He just got back from detention with Crewel for blowing up our potion in lab today. So he's here somewhere pouting that I locked away the good tuna."

"I see..." Sebek muttered, shuffling his feet for a second. "Can we not watch the movie without them?"

You gave him a fond smile. "I don't actually own any movies. Everybody else has just been bringing the ones they want to watch. I'm really sorry, Sebek." He nodded slowly, adjusting the ends of his sleeves awkwardly. There was a long pause and he was about to announce his leave before you spoke up. "But... if you still wanna hang out, we could do a little one session book club. There's plenty of books in here." You jabbed your thumb behind you, giving him a look that almost seemed hopeful.

He hummed in thought for a moment. "I suppose I could peruse your collection."

You smiled wide at him, stepping aside for him to come in like you always did. The two of you ended up on the couch in front of the TV, like usual, books in either of your hands. You'd curled up on one side of the couch, your legs tucked up by the arm while you propped your torso up with a pillow in the middle, and he'd taken his usual spot on the other side, as perfectly postured as ever. The two of you were silent, other than huffs of quiet laughter or small gasps in reaction to your stories. Sebek had been expecting it to be far more awkward, but it was just... nice. Nice to enjoy your company away from the rest of the group, nice to share an interest, nice to have a quiet moment. He had gotten engrossed in his book, barely glancing up when you readjusted yourself to a more upright position in the middle of the couch. It was only a few minutes later that he was startled out of his reading by your head landing on his shoulder. He was about to reprimand you before he turned to see that you'd completely fallen asleep, book caught loosely from falling by just your thumb and your knee, shoulders completely slumped as you relaxed against him, and he froze. Not sure what to do other than not move to avoid disturbing you, he tried to go back to his book, tried to ignore your warmth pressed against his arm, but he couldn't. It wasn't like you'd never touched him before, but those were casual, friendly gestures, not practically cuddling. His face was burning as his thoughts raced, completely betraying him by picturing what a life with you might be like. Would you understand fae courting customs? He was desperate to go back to reading. He reread the same page maybe twenty times by the time you woke up again, groaning lightly as you sat up, allowing him to nearly fling himself to the other side of the couch.

"YOU MUST GET PROPER SLEEP, HUMAN." He shouted, face still burning as you winced slightly at his volume so soon after you'd woken up. "IT IS COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE TO FALL ASLEEP WHEN YOU HAVE COMPANY!"

"I'm sorry, Sebek, it's been a long day..." You apologized through a yawn from behind your hand before placing your book face down on the coffee table. "Feel free to take that book with you, lemme know what you think..." You were actively falling asleep again as you spoke, leaning to your other side to lay your head against the arm of the couch.

"Do you not have a PERFECTLY good bed UPSTAIRS?" He shouted incredulously, startling you awake again.

"That's all the way up there..." You groaned, burying your face in the throw pillow.

Sebek scoffed, shoving the piece of scrap paper you'd given him for a bookmark between the pages before setting the book on the coffee table and standing. "There is no way to get a good night's rest sleeping on this terrible lumpy couch!" He declared with his hands on his hips.

"It'll be fine, Sebek..." You grumbled again, lazily waving your hand at him.

He sighed heavily before deciding this was now a task that had been placed upon his shoulders. You squeaked out a yelp as he scooped you off the couch and into his arms, flinging your arms around his neck to keep from falling, as if he would ever drop you. He'd been to your room once before after volunteering to carry Grim to bed when he fell asleep during a movie and you had to clean up, so he at least knew where he was going. You didn't look at him as he carried you up the stairs, your face had to be as red as his now. Neither of you said anything until he brought you into your room, sitting you down surprisingly gently on the bed before straightening out like a soldier standing at attention.

"There." He huffed, not looking directly at you. "Ensure you get proper amounts and quality of sleep in the future, human."

"Will do... Good night, Sebek."

"Good night, human."

He marched out of the room, shutting the door behind him as you laid back in your bed, climbing under the covers. You were wide awake now, no hope of going back to sleep any time soon. You'd initially invited Sebek over because Malleus had asked you to, but you thought he was actually really nice to be around. You understood why people complained that he was loud and rude, but it was mostly just that he was blunt. He was loud, though. Past that, he was actually very kind and fun to talk to. You liked his little competitive streak, though he definitely needed to work on losing with grace, and you liked how animated he got when he was talking about something he was passionate about, but he should really find other interests past Malleus. Overall, you did really like being around him. You tried not to acknowledge the crush on him that had grown a little too quickly for your liking, knowing it was obvious when Ace started to tease you about it. It's not like you could help it, he was sweet and it was easy to fall for him. Before your little book club accident, you'd even gotten him to start calling him by your name, but you guessed that the sudden contact had shocked him out of that pretty hard. He went back to calling you human all the time, much to your distaste.

You did, however, offer to continue that little book club, meeting up on opposite weeks from movie nights to talk about the books you'd read and recommending new ones for each other. It was at one of these that your irritation with his... less desirable traits got the better of you. He'd compared you to Malleus in the past, usually sidetracking himself into another Malleus anecdote you'd already heard three times, but you could usually brush it off just fine. But you'd be lying if you said it wasn't grating on you. You were telling him about how you'd scared off the birds that were hanging out around Silver when you'd stumbled on him napping in one of the courtyards and how you felt kind of bad about it. He went off on a tangent about how most animals were afraid of Malleus, how the birds wouldn't even dare come around when Silver was attending to his duties, and all the reasons they shouldn't be afraid of his magnificence. You sighed quietly as he continued to rant about Malleus, something inside you just deciding that you couldn't put up with it anymore.

"Hey Sebek?" You called out to him softly, cutting off his ramblings. "I'm so sorry, I just realized how exhausted I am. Maybe we could go over our books next time? I don't wanna make you carry me upstairs again."

Sebek huffed out an annoyed sigh, giving you a disappointed look. "I thought we had discussed the importance of proper sleep, human!"

Human. You tried not to show your annoyance on your face, tried not to let it seep into your tone. Would he even notice if you did? You were fairly certain he didn't notice you at all. "We did, which is why I'm gonna send you home now so I can get proper sleep for tomorrow."

"Very well, we will pick this up next time." He sighed, closing his book and tucking it under his arm as he stood. "I expect a thorough breakdown of your thoughts on that book when we reconvene."

"Sure. Night Sebek."

"Good night, human."

You prayed he didn't notice the way your eye twitched as he turned to leave, barely resisting the urge to grumble that your name wasn't human by biting your tongue near to bleeding. He'd noticed your clipped tone, but just attributed it to your exhaustion. He didn't think anything was really wrong until the next movie night. Deuce let him into the dorm, and you had already made yourself comfortable with Grim in one of the armchairs, only just sparing him a greeting before going back to your conversation with Ortho. Sebek took the armchair opposite you that night, confusion and worry keeping him from focusing on the movies. He stayed for the third that night but you still barely spoke to him, past the courtesy hello and good night, all your answers were as clipped as ever. That night was the first sign anything was off. He still joined the group for meal times, but there was no longer the friendly, casual air between the two of you. It had grown tense, and you were both sure everyone else had noticed it. You were at least sure Ace had, he'd tried to get you to tell him what was up a few times and you kept shooting him down.

Sebek's last straw was a text from you on Saturday, hours before your book club was supposed to start. "I'm not feeling great, gotta cancel. Sorry!" If he'd gotten that text with no other warning signs, he would've brushed it off as truth, but now he was just sure you were avoiding him. And it hurt, not knowing what was wrong and not knowing how to fix it. Two weeks and he was realizing just how bad he missed you. He wasn't sure what to do.

You were sitting on the front steps of Ramshackle, staring at the unfamiliar stars and trying to pull the unfamiliar constellations to distract yourself. You knew it was wrong, you knew you should just tell him why you were mad, but you were honestly a bit worried. He adored Malleus, you can't imagine telling him that you can't stand being compared to his idol anymore would elicit a good reaction. Not that this was any better. Your gaze was pulled by a firefly, then another, and you rolled your eyes slightly as you recognized the flashing just before Malleus appeared just down the walkway.

"Child of man."

"Hornton."

He smiled at you fondly as he walked over to stand in front of you, expression turning to concern as you didn't return it. "What troubles you?"

You sighed, shaking your head as he moved to sit on the step next to you. "Nothing. Personal stuff."

He hummed in understanding as he nodded, a smirk playing at his lips. "Is it something to do with Sebek, perhaps?"

"...Perhaps."

He nodded again. "I see. He came to me earlier today to see if I, as your friend, had any insight into your behavior recently. He's under the impression he's done something to upset you."

Your tongue clicked in annoyance before you could stop it as you rolled your eyes and averted your gaze, opting to look out at the darkened sidewalk. You heard him sigh next to you as you crossed your arms, leaning them forward onto your knees.

"Judging on your reaction, I feel it's safe to assume he was correct." His tone was flat, like he had to have this conversation often. "May I ask what happened?"

"Actually, it's kinda all your fault." You joked, turning to smirk at him to make sure he didn't take it seriously.

"Me?"

"Yeah, you're too damn perfect or whatever," you scoffed, tone dripping with vitriol, "and god forbid the human tells a story for thirty seconds without it being about Malleus." You turned back to the sidewalk, glaring at the cobble. You felt bad, it wasn't Malleus's fault, he wasn't even the one you should be saying this to, he didn't deserve your hostility. "I'm just getting so sick of being compared to you. Really makes me feel inadequate."

You watched him pinch the bridge of his nose out of the corner of your eye as he let out a deep sigh. "Fear not, my friend," he said as he stood, putting a comforting hand on your shoulder, "you are not inadequate, and this shall be resolved soon."

Before you could think to respond, he was gone in a puff of fireflies. You didn't move from the front step for awhile, opting to just watch the stars again.

The next morning, you woke to faint-- but frantic-- knocking, far too early for a Sunday. You dragged yourself out of bed, not bothering to get changed before going downstairs to the entry hall. You were too busy rubbing the sleep from your eyes to check who was banging on the door before opening it, only seeing Sebek's face for a brief second before he dropped. Your eyes shot open wide as you tracked him down to where he'd fallen hard to a knee in front of you, head bowed.

"I've come to beg your forgiveness." He announced, keeping his head down as he wrapped an arm around to place a fist on his chest.

"Sebek--"

"Please." He said, voice uncharacteristically quiet as he cut you off. "I never should have made undue comparisons. I often find it difficult to draw from other topics, being Lord Malleus's retainer is my entire life. However, that is no excuse." You could hear the slightest tremble in his voice as he spoke. "I am so incredibly sorry, Yuu. I will do anything to make it right, and if I cannot, know that I will carry this regret to my grave." It was getting dramatic, and you could tell he was rambling now, but you didn't have the heart to stop him. "Your presence in my life has become an absolute joy, a highlight of each day. As often as I tell you about Lord Malleus, I tell Lilia about you. The book club and the movies and the conversations, and he laughed at me when I told him I imagined a future with you and when I asked if you would understand fae courting--" His voice fizzled off and you heard his teeth clack together as he squeezed his jaw shut.

You were certain he was bright red, despite the fact that he was now completely statue still. To be fair, you could feel your own cheeks turning red as you smirked at the top of his head. "He laughed when you told him what?"

"NOTHING. I TOLD HIM NOTHING." He shouted frantically. "PLEASE FORGIVE MY RUDENESS, IT WAS NEVER MY INTENTION TO TREAT YOU SO POORLY."

You laughed, sitting on your knees in front of him and putting a hand on his shoulder. "I forgive you. And... I'm sorry too. It wasn't fair of me to just ignore you like that, I was just... worried."

"Worried?" He asked, quickly looking up to meet your eye. And oh boy were you right, he was red.

You nodded. "I was worried if I told you that you comparing me to Malleus all the time was making me upset that you would get upset about it and... well, I was worried you would hate me for it."

"I would never hate you for speaking your mind." He said plainly. "I know you and my Lord are close friends, I know I don't have to worry about you disparaging his name."

You sighed heavily before giving him a fond smile. "So what are the fae courting rituals, anyways?"

The blush that had died down slightly was now back in full force as he stammered incoherently. You laughed at the reaction, leaning forward to kiss his cheek. He completely froze again, and for a second, you were worried he might pass out until he ducked his head again, mumbling about Briar Valley's courting customs. None of it was entirely clear, but you hoped he would follow through on them for you.

I DO NOT GIVE PERMISSION TO USE MY WORK TO TRAIN AI

MASTERLIST

[that-faerie-in-the-corner]

you know what I find fascinating about how Helen is talked about in the works in the epic cycle?

everyone has argued to death over whether she was kidnapped, went willingly, was influenced/controlled/threatened by Aphrodite, whatever, but the thing is the actual TEXTS can't seem to make up their minds on Helen. everyone will be cursing Helen's name as an unfaithful wife and destroyer of men in Agamemnon but then Paris will be called a "robber-rapist" which would obviously heavily imply that he stole and assaulted her (plus the part where Clytemnestra basically says "shut the fuck up about Helen she didn't force you to do all that", although how much we're supposed to agree with her is debatable). In Iphigenia In Aulis we're going to war to get REVENGE on the Trojans AND HELEN but then Agamemnon will accuse Menelaus of "lust(ing) only to hold a lovely woman in (his) arms", calls him crazy for wanting her back, and then when Menelaus changes his mind about killing Iphigenia to get the winds back he says "Could I not obtain A perfect marriage elsewhere, if I longed for Marrying? But a brother whom I should Most cherish, I was about to forfeit To gain a Helen, so bartering excellence For evil" which is still pretty spiteful towards Helen but also really fucking weird to say if he only wanted her back to kill or otherwise punish her. Then, in the same play, the Greeks are described as wanting to sail to Troy so "That they may halt the plunder of marriage beds And the rape and seizure of Greek women" which would also imply Helen was, in fact, raped and seized, otherwise why would it be phrased like that and not like, "seduced" or "whisked away" or whatever? In Orestes Elektra and Orestes interpret Helen's actions in the worst possible light while when Helen actually speaks she seems generally sympathetic towards them, distraught and grieving over the whole situation, and claims that she went because Aphrodite made her mad, which could absolutely be a lie, but the thing is we just don't know who's the unreliable narrator here Is this a translation thing? Indicative of a really weird idea of what rape is? Is this an intentional writing choice? This got me to thinking and then I realized that if Menelaus was away when Helen left then he almost certainly doesn't actually know what happened. He didn't see or hear what happened, he doesn't get a chance to talk to Helen and have her explain until after the war, and obviously none of the other Greeks would know for sure either, right? And I just think it is kind of a missed opportunity that adaptations don't really do anything with this kind of unspoken conflict at all. Paris the Musical kind of does (Menelaus believes Helen was abducted when she ended up begrudgingly going with Paris trying to help him to escape) but like, why do all the greek men have one idea of Helen in adaptations? Why don't they argue about it? Why don't they question Menelaus about his motivations more? What if (especially if Aphrodite fucked with her head, as I am one to believe) Helen doesn't even trust herself on her own intentions? What if Menelaus tears himself up debating this with himself every night? Like, could I trust that she wouldn't do this to me and our daughter? Is it better that my wife doesn't love me anymore and is safe with her new lover, or that she does but is trapped against her will having who knows what done to her? Do I know my wife anymore? Did I ever know her in the first place? What if he lays eyes on Helen, his Helen, for the first time in ten years and his sword slips from his grasp as he realizes that yes, of course he knows her, how could he have ever doubted? Or maybe he still doesn't know if he knows her, but maybe he doesn't need to, because he knows that she is tired and scared, and he still loves her, and he just wants to take her back to their home? What then? Hm?

[jessmalia]

Cassandra and But Daddy I Love Him being two sides of the same coin

[moonchild-in-blue]

I'll never not find supremely funny the fact that Tumblr remains the only social media that is "actually" social. The place where all the weirdos and introverts and mentally ill and severely associal people are.

Because everything else is just a "look at this photograph" type thing (read: 30 second hyper stimulating videos of nothing burguer) OR "I know exactly when you saw my message and you MUST reply IMMEDIATELY or else".

It's very reaction-based, rather than meaningful and continuous engagement with others. There's no back and forth. But here we're all doing our thing, being weird and anonymous and unfiltered about whatever it is, parallel playing on the dash like it's another day at the playground.

And someone can go "ooh let's play knights" and others will be doing mud cakes, or playing catch, and others are just quietly reading a book, or trading cards, or doing personality quizzes, or sharing earbuds. And there's collective snack time where we all consume the same thing, and sometimes there's a new fun game for everyone, and it's nice.

[walkingstackofbooks]

IPS/BIL AU where Tain dies before he can send the message. Garak and Worf never go to the gamma quadrant. Julian and Martok don't get rescued.

Back on DS9 the changeling is stopped pretty much just as it was in canon, with Kira and Dax managing to stop the Yukon from reaching the sun, just as it explodes. (Maybe since Garak is still on the station, he notifies Sisko that Bashir has taken the Yukon out?) This time, however, no-one knows it was a changeling, and among all the shock and grief, there's tense speculation about what the hell Julian was doing out there in a runabout with a bomb.

The changeling had planned to never be identified, believing it would sow more confusion and fear in the Federation if they believe one of their own had been secretly allied with the Dominion. And so the changeling had left behind a trail of "Julian" interacting with highly questionable locked-down message-boards such as "Would enhanced individuals be better off under the Dominion?", which would never have been tracked back to him apart from under such scrutiny he's now post-humously receiving. (The changeling knew about Julian's enhancements - to become something is to understand that thing, after all.)

Of course, it is considered whether Julian may have been impersonated by a changeling, but once the link to his enhancements has been revealed - and his parents can't hide it, they confess, and are sentenced to time in a penal colony - it seems very much decided that Doctor Bashir had become an augment extremist, biding his time on DS9 until he could play out his part in the Dominion plot. There's varying levels of acceptance of this among Julian's friends - even if it seems that they have to admit it, it's still almost impossible to believe that Julian could have tried to do that. But it doesn't really matter what they think - life has to go on, and the war's continuing whether they like it or not, and little by little they move on with their now-Julian-less lives.

Time passes. they get a new CMO. The Cardassians re-occupy the station, and Sisko leads the campaign to get it back. Worf and Jadzia get married. Garak gets a message.

A.L.I.V.E. J.S.B.

And no-one knows what to think. JSB can't be... can it? But how...

Garak argues that Doctor Bashir's death is so well-known that no-one would use his name as the basis for some sort of trap. Miles agrees. Everyone else wants to agree. (For a certain definition of 'want'. Julian being alive, not a traitor... that also means he's been doing somewhere in the past ten months, and it's difficult to think about what sort of awful place that might have been.)

Garak and Worf are sent out to chase this signal - in theory, it's recon, but naturally it quickly devolves. They get captured themsleves, finding Camp 371 and Julian, looking ten months worse for wear. Garak learns about Tain's death, and the subspace transmitter he'd began working on and that they'd only just been able to finish, having managed to recruit a recently-abducted Starfleet engineer. An engineer who's currently in solitary, leaving them with a plan to escape now there's a runabout in orbit, but no way to effect it. Unless there's something Garak can do...

And Worf, of course, meets Martok, and is impressed by the Klingon's tale of daily fights for nearly three years. "Almost every day," Martok corrects him. "There have been times when I've woken up with a sore head to find that the doctor has taken my place."

Worf looks to Julian, nodding. "So you are the man we remember," he says. "Your enhancements may have helped you fight, but it was an honourable thing to volunteer."

"My... my enhancements?" asks Julian faintly. "What- what do you mean?"

"Commander, is now really the time—" Garak tries to interrupt but Julian speaks over him.

"No, Garak, I want to know— I-I need to know. What do you mean, Worf?"

And Worf, in his short, succinct way tells Julian how they had believed he had died, and what they had discovered thereafter, and while they know now that he is not an augment extremist, his parents' confession made it clear that he is an augment.

Julian doesn't say very much after that, apart from what is needed to help with the rescue - he calms Garak down, he volunteers to try and figure out what needs doing in the crawl space ("I've learnt at least a few things from tinkering with it over those seven months...") - but otherwise, he's withdrawn and spacey. Garak perserveres - he must get Julian back to DS9, has to hope there's still time to rekindle that light in his doctor's eyes - and manages to get them out, and even locking onto the engineer's life sign in solitary. They make it to the runabout, and escape.

It's a very different sort of homecoming. This time, rather than having only a few hours to get used to the idea that Julian had been missing for a month, they've been mourning him for almost a year, angry and confused and left with so many questions. And they've had almost a week of wondering what's become of Worf and Garak, and to tie themselves in circles wondering if J.S.B really could be Julian Subatoi Bashir.

Garak gets them all beamed directly to sickbay, and it's obvious that Julian's overwhelmed enough by that without having hordes of emotional friends come to greet him. So they're allowed in, one at a time. Miles petitions to be first, and wraps Julian up in what would have been the firmest of hugs - apart from Julian's so gaunt, so... so fragile, that Miles finds he dares not squeeze too hard. Words gush out - ones that he'd never have thought he'd admit out loud - about how much he missed Julian and how glad he is none of what they said was true, and it takes him some time to realise that he's been blabbering on and Julian's not been saying a word.

Julian has been clinging onto him tightly, though, and that... that's got to be enough, for now.

[sidekick-syndrome]

"Bruce is the tallest in the bat-family" this, "Jason is the tallest in the bat-family" that. Wrong. All wrong.

I follow the canon of the 1966 Batman show. And the 1966 Batman show says:

[honeycoated-juicebox]

"Why she had to go,

I don't know, she wouldn't say,

I said something wrong,

Now I long for yesterday"

-Yesterday by The Beatles

[nothatsmi]

I couldn't be prouder to have you as a partner

They're slamming volley balls onto my brains.

Also I can't believe I had to go to the OVA to see the iconic Thank you for the last three years scene - why this shojo looking ass scene isn't in the main series will forever be a mystery. (maybe iwa-chan's intense stare was considered porn i mean idk man)

This show is actually pretty difficult to make fanart of cause at the same time I wanna do full illustrations of the characters - making the efforts and all you know - and at the same time there are so many i want to draw?? How am I supposed to choose, like I end up doing little doodles of everyone but I'm unsatisfied cause I wanna draw them better. But right now I'm good.

[i-dont-even-know-anymore976]

my spine split from carrying us up the hill (i’m just getting colour back into my face)

a buddie relationship breakdown fic | 21.8k

tags: buck pov, buck centric, established relationship, break up, cheating, sad buck, emotional/psychological abuse, unhealthy relationship, eddie diaz bashing, 118 bashing, (tho i think it’s more critical but for the filters), season 7 au, in an au where buddie got together after the shooting, Relationship Breakdown, Buck & Ravi Friendship, anti buddie, No Beta We Die Like Bobby Nash, (doesn’t in this fic)

It took Buck a moment to process what he saw before him.  Eddie — his arms wrapped around some woman. His face buried in her neck and his fingers brushing her skin.  The other man’s eyes widening, his face going pale as he realised they’d been caught.  Buck barely heard Eddie gasp Chris’s name — the boy motionless next to him as they stared at a ghost.  At Shannon.  At Chris’s mother — who Buck knew was dead.  Had been to the funeral and seen them both through the messy aftermath. Had helped this child mourn once and already knew he’d have to do it again.  Or: What if it was Buck instead of Marisol

in a surprise to everyone — and most of all me — i’ve actually written something ?? for the first time in like three years ?? wild

tbh i think that scene in 8.17 just reaffirmed everything i'd been slowly realising about buddie and why they could never work and it somehow manifested itself as this 😅

anyway - a lil excerpt for you all xx

He regretted it as soon as the dial tone sounded. Had let his thumb hover of the name — debating — for more than a few seconds before giving in to the urge to press call.

And yet — as soon as it actually started ringing — he knew he shouldn’t have done it.

That he was fine. That he was being dramatic, once again.

But he also knew he couldn’t just hang up. That it would create a panic — force them to call back — to ask questions.

“Doctor Copeland’s office,” it was a new receptionist. Her voice melodically neutral as she answered the phone, “May I ask who’s calling.”

Buck stumbled over his words for a second, before rushing to explain, “Uh — don’t worry. It was an accident.”

“Are you sure… Mr Buckley?” She drew out the question as if reading the name off a screen and Buck cursed whatever Caller ID system the psychologist’s office employed that still recognised his number.

Her tone more concerned as she asked again, “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah — yeah, of course.” He felt almost breathless as the lies left his lips, “Just a wrong number. Pressed the wrong person by mistake. Sorry for any trouble.”

“Okay — then,” she sounded doubtful. “Well, we’re here if you ever need us, Mr Buckley. Don’t hesitate to ring back now. Okay? I know Doctor Copeland would be more than happy to fit you in.”

“Yeah—” he agreed half-heartedly. Desperate to get off the phone before he did something stupid like actually ask for an appointment.

Knowing it was pointless. That he was fine.

��Have a nice day then.”

He finally freed himself from the conversation. Heart racing like it usually only did when he’s had to run up six flights of stairs in full turn outs.

He forced himself to drop his phone onto the counter — hands shaking as he thought about reaching for it again — and made himself walk away instead.

Looked around the kitchen desperately for something to do and was relieved to spot the small stack of dishes from the night before.

They usually did them together. Buck drying as Eddie washed — accused of almost flooding the kitchen one too many times before Eddie had finally relegated him to the less dangerous of the tasks.

They’d been too tired the night before. Exhaustion dragging them towards bed and leaving the dishes to wait until the morning.

It had been happening more and more lately. Truthfully Buck couldn’t remember the last time they’d shared their little ritual. Meals eaten in a rush as they raced out the door to work — whoever drew the short straw and got home first left to do the tidy up.

At least if Buck didn’t end up eating alone. Eddie always out these days — the friendship he'd struck up with Tommy keeping him gone until late whenever they had the day off.

Chris, even more sociable than his father. Forever at a friend’s house, or out with the girl that he swore to Buck wasn’t a budding romance. Swindling invites for sleepovers through charm and good humour that a young Buck could never have dreamed of emulating.

Always clinging just a little too tight for people to ever really settle in his presence.

It left him alone most nights. At least the ones he didn’t spend at the firehouse, revelling in the thrum of activity. Instructions from Bobby as they cooked, Chim and Hen’s quiet rivalry as they wrestled for control of the TV remote.

Eddie sitting next to him in the engine — their legs brushing they were sat so close. Sometimes it felt like the most intimate they ever were anymore.

Never mind the way they’d clung to each other having rescued Bobby and Athena. Buck pressing into bruises to leave them there a little longer. To remind himself that Eddie had chosen him, that he loved him.

Not that he needed the reminder.

Buck knew that. Intrinsically. He did.

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