#but im also proud of myself for doing the work and taking the healthy steps even though its scary

[the-mechanisms-system]

felt rly bad in my friendships lately + today I talked to my best friend abt it, basically just like. expressing that I was upset and why, and. it was good!! nothing bad happened. they weren't mad at me. they didnt dismiss me. we talked abt it, and they gave me space to explain what I was feeling, and by the end of it I felt better. it's weird and hard to try to navigate relationships when you're used to communication being smth that will cause more problems and solve nothing but it feels kind of amazing when you get up the nerve to do it and it works out

[guiltyc0nscience]

⋆˙⟡ where do broken hearts go?, matt sturniolo

matt sturniolo x fem!reader

synopsis. in which matt feels like you aren’t considering his feelings and not putting as much effort into your relationship as he is, so he brings it up to you which results in conflict but was quick to be resolved.

warnings. angst. crying, resolved angst, arguing, matt’s lowkey mean in this.

word count.

you and matt had never had an argument as big as this. yous had had small disagreements and quarrels, which were solved in minutes. never huge fights. never the way it is going on right now.

you both had been trying to juggle your lives also while trying to maintain a happy, healthy relationship. which isn’t easy. with that, you were both on the brink of breaking down any moment now. but instead of that, your emotions turned into a big fight. not a good one.

today, you weren’t working in the office and matt wasnt out filming with his brothers. he wasn’t in the best of moods right now, you were too in your head. the perfect cause of a disaster. throughout the whole day, small things kept on building and building until everything went down hill after dinner.

you had been washing you and matt’s dishes, he cleaning up all the other little things. when he had made a snarky comment about how good of a sight it was seeing you finally cleaning up, had made you snap.

you had been moaning about it for a good hour, screaming at one another in the kitchen attempting to get your feelings out some sort of way.

“i just don’t fucking get it sometimes,” matt spat at you, “it’s like all you care and think about is yourself.”

“what?! what the fuck are you even saying?!” you yelled, the anger that had slightly died down was rising straight back up.

“you are the most narcissistic, self-centred, most selfish person i have ever met,” matt said through gritted teeth, “you never think about me. you don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

he took a step closer to you as you slammed the dish you were cleaning down, “you’re the one that’s inconsiderate, not me” he says.

“are you fucking kidding me? don’t talk to me like that ever again, asshole!” you said squinting your eyes at him.

a bitter laugh left matt’s lips, walking right up to you and looking down at you, “i’ll say whatever i want, sweetheart. because for once i’ve reached a fucking breaking point.”

“leave then. fucking leave then, if this is such a problem!” you yell in his face.

you were telling him to leave but this was his house that he shared with his two brothers. nick and chris.

“this is my fucking house. but i will leave!” matt yelled back, “maybe i will just leave and you can spend the rest of your life being the most inconsiderate, selfish jackass on the planet! maybe ill just go find someone who actually values me!”

“are you kidding me right now? are you implying that you’ve been fucking cheating on me?!” you raise your voice in disbelief.

matt hadn’t cheated on you. you just took his words the wrong way.

“no! it was hypothetical! if you’d let me finish, you’d know that!” matt snapped back, “i wouldn’t cheat on you, i love you!”

you were taken aback by his statement, “well, the things you’re fucking saying to me right now don’t scream ‘i love you’ very much!”

“i do love you!” matt snapped, “but god! why are you so selfish, so egotistical, and so inconsiderate! how many times do i have to say it for it to go through your thick, stubborn skull?!”

you scoff, “i’m egotistical? you’re the one that thinks you’re better than everyone else because you make a bag off making shit youtube videos! you constantly think you’re one better than everyone else, matt!”

“i don’t think im better than everyone else! im proud of my work, what the fuck is wrong with that?! i’m proud that i was able to take my passion and make myself a career out of it! i get to play my favourite games and do what i love for a living and have it supported me all while i provide for you too? how is many of that wrong?!”

you furrow your brows at the last part of his sentence, “you provide for me? i’ve got my own job, that i got by myself! i don’t need your fucking money.”

“you live in my house! i pay the bills. you can’t even provide for yourself when you make chump change in a month!” matt was absolutely fuming at this point, taking another step towards you.

you felt hurt at what he said, but you didn’t let it affect the way you presented yourself, “what?! are you fucking kidding me right now? you’re the biggest shit talker and dick head i’ve ever met!”

“no, the biggest dick head you’ve ever met is you! you, with you’re self-righteous ego and narcissistic thought process! i’ve met so many assholes in my life, but no one has even come close to how much of a jerk you are!” matt spat, “i’ve put so many hours into this relationship. i’ve given you everything just for you to come back and act like i don’t care about you, and call me the dickhead?”

you sigh as you think about how much stuff you have to have done by tomorrow, “matt, i don’t have time for this right now!”

“oh, no! i think we have plenty of time for this!” matt said as he slammed his palms on the counter, “we aren’t leaving this kitchen until you can look at me and tell me you truly love me, and that you’re sorry for all the bullshit you’ve been saying!”

you stared in disbelief at what was coming out of his mouth right now, “bullshit i’ve been saying?! you’ve said so much worse than i have, so if it’s anyone that needs an apology it’s me! but i’m not fucking pathetic enough to beg someone for some half-assed apology!”

“bullshit? i’ve been telling the truth this whole entire time!” matt said, you are selfish, you are inconsiderate, you are narcissistic. everything i’ve said is true! and don’t worry, sweetheart. you wouldn’t have to beg me for an apology from me, i’d refuse to give you one, just as you’ve been doing to me this entire time!”

you felt sick to your stomach from what matt was letting fall off his tongue like venom, “why are you with me then?! and done even say ‘it’s because i love you’ because that’s bullshit, because you don’t. if you did you wouldn’t say this whether it’s true or not!”

“i do love you! i love you so fucking much, you don’t even know!” the anger on matt’s face soon gave way to sadness, “i’m just sick of your disregarding my feelings. i’m sick of you being so careless about how i feel or what i want. i’m sick of feeling like the only one that’s pouring my all into this relationship. i’m just tired… it hurts… it hurts me that you never even give me a second thought, even though i have you on my mind at all times.”

“that’s not true at all matt! i do put my all into this relationship and i will give it my last no matter what. i love you more than i can even describe so don’t even fucking doubt that! and give me two times i disregarded your feelings, because i dont!”

“every time i ask you to make dinner so i can do some planning when i come home from filming, you don’t do it! you just brush me off and say you’re too busy or tired! or what about the times i have to beg you to give me some time alone, that i haven’t gotten any privacy in forever. yet you still barge right in when i shut the door and you just start yapping to me!”

“matt you’re not the only one with problems, you know! and i do make us dinner and when i do barge in there’s always a good reason, so don’t even start that!” you spit.

“yes i know that! and i try to help you with your problems when you talk to me about them! but when i come to you with how i feel, you just say you’re too busy to listen to me and that we’ll talk later. but we never do!” matt speaks.

“because when later comes, i always find out that you’re at parties posting up with a bunch of girls. or you’re sitting in a car with nick and chris!” you let roll off your tongue.

“i’d have time for you if you weren’t such a cold, detached person!” matt fires back, “and i’m not ‘sitting in a car’ with nick and chris! we’re working!”

“don’t you ever just think, oh i’m actually in a really good work position compared to other people. because i don’t know if you’ve realised but you don’t need to deal with people constantly blaming you for everything in work because you’re the youngest and easiest to blame and degrade! that is why im always so busy and tired, im constantly cleaning up the shit that you leaving lying about while also juggling my paperwork that i have to do at home!”

“yeah, well you have no idea what it’s like to be a full-time youtuber!” matt said, “i have to keep my fans happy, make videos, do collabs with other creators, all while having my own life! and whenever i come home after being out all day, what do i come home to every time? you sitting on the sofa, on your phone, and not even thinking about what i might want or need after i’ve been busting my ass all day!”

your jaw drops slightly with a puzzled expression on your face, “are you fucking with me? you’re not a child matt, you can do things on your own. just because i’m home before you sometimes does not mean i will be your slave! and if you do, fucking think again!”

“i don’t want a slave! i want my girlfriend! i want someone who cares about me! i want the one i love to put me before anything else!” matt was getting agitated, his eyes starting to water.

“i do matt! i do put you before everything, i try my hardest! i ruin my own mental health for you!” you say with tears running down your face.

“it doesn’t feel like you do!” matt said, “you’re always so distant! you’re always so cold and you never show me any affection! and i’m not asking for much! a kiss every now and again would be nice! you don’t even say you love me unless i say to first!”

you let out a sad sigh, “what do you mean? i kiss you every day! i say i love you all the fucking time!”

“you never do it first though! i’m the only one that ever initiates anything! im the one that is always showing affection! the other day i just wanted a hug after filming and you gave me a one-armed side-hug!”

you rub your eyes out of exhaustion, “matt, i’m tired!”

“i’m tired too!” matt snapped, his voice getting louder now, “im exhausted! im working my ass off to make us money and to make you happy and i get nothing but complaints and coldness in return!”

you whined before huffing out words, “i’m not complaining, you’re the only one complaining right now!”

“yes because you never listen to me!” matt nearly yelled, “im trying to tell you how i actually feel! im opening up and being completely vulnerable with you, you just shoot down every single thing i say! all i want is for you to care!”

“matt i do! i care so fucking much it hurts. i love you more than anything! i left my life in florida to come and stay with you full-time because i knew you didn’t want a long-distance relationship. so if that’s not me considering your feelings then i don’t know what is!”

“i never asked you to move here.” matt said through clenched teeth, “yes, i asked you to move in for the summer, and i get you had a shitty family, but you never had to transfer your job and move your entire life here! you never had to put yourself in a stressful and expressive situation, you did that yourself!”

“no i didn’t! don’t get me wrong i love being here with you, nick and chris. i fucking love it! but it’s really hard sometimes! and i get you’re going through hard times too with your family being in boston but you have open arms everywhere around LA, i don’t, that’s the difference! that is why im so cold and defensive sometimes! im scared to trust!”

“why can’t you trust me?!” matt yelled, “you’ve lived here for a year now! i’ve given you everything just for you to say that you don’t trust me! after all i’ve done for you, after all i’ve given up to make you happy, i still get this kind of bullshit from you!”

you panicked since matt had took what you said the wrong way, “i didn’t say that, baby! i said it’s hard for me to trust anyone other than you!”

“so what does that mean?” matt asked, “i don’t deserve your trust? you don’t trust me when i tell you i love you?”

“it means that i’m bottling everything up inside of me because i don’t trust anyone else other than you because i don’t want to put the stress onto you! i feel like you don’t understand what im going through, which is totally fine, but you don’t ever keep that in mind! yes, you’re going through a hard time too but i am too and you need to think about that when you say things to me. you’re not the only person fucking struggling!”

“no, i get that!” matt argued back, “we’re both going through stuff, but the difference is i make time for you! i make sure that your needs are still met when i have time! you on the other hand disregard my feelings and my wants! you never even try to understand my side, while im constantly trying to get you to understand! and now that i’ve finally gotten you to listen, you’re still saying im wrong!”

“i’m sorry matt! i don’t know what else you want from me, im falling apart over here!”

“i want you! i just want you to love me the way you say you do!” matt said, “i want you to show me, physically, that you care about me! i want you to show me that im a priority in your life, just like you’re a priority in mine!”

“i do care about you! i just go through rough patches where i don’t realise that im not showing you how much i care and love you!”

“why not tell me when you’re going through rough patches? if you’re struggling, then why don’t you tell me so i can be there for you! i’d never think of you any differently, i’d never think to call you selfish or inconsiderate! all you have to do is let me in!” matt exclaims with frustration.

“and that’s one of the hardest things for me to do! it takes time to let people in when you grow up the way i did, when you were constantly told your feelings didn’t matter and if you told people that you were struggling they would think differently of you! and i’m not saying all this for you to feel sorry for me, i’m saying this so you can try and understand it from my perspective.” you explain with tears rolling down your cheeks.

“i do understand! i do understand that you’ve had a hard life and it’s hard to trust and open up, but im not asking you to tell me every single thing that’s ever happened to you and that you’ve ever felt! im asking you to just tell me you miss me, or that you’re upset, or that you’re feeling angry or sad or frustrated! i’m asking you to open up just a little bit so i can do my best and try to show you that i love you!”

you tilt your head back and place your hands over your face before whimpering and tilting your head forward again, “and i’m trying matt!”

“i know you are!” matt said, his voice losing the edge as he looked at your tear stained face with empathy. he took a step closer to you and laid his hands gingerly on your shoulders, “i know you’re trying, i do, and it’s not fair for me to expect you to just completely open up overnight, but you’re tearing me apart too! i’m so worn out and tired from trying to get you to show me that my feelings matter to you!”

you hiccup just before you begin to talk, “i’m really trying to be better matt, i am! and i know what you want from me but it takes time. a lot of time. so please, just give me time and and you’ll get what you want in this relationship. and i’ll give you it whether it wipes me out or not!”

“how much time do i have to give you?” matt sighed, “i’ve given you nearly a year of time. i’ve been trying so hard this entire time to break through whatever wall you have up, and after a year you’re still telling me to wait? i can’t keep waiting forever!”

“i know and it’s not fair on you but it also isn’t fair on me to give you something im not ready for!” you whimper before sighing sadly.

“then what am i supposed to do?” matt exclaimed, stepping backwards and running his fingers through his hair, “if you’re not at a place that you can give me what i need in a relationship, when do you foresee yourself being there? another year? two? never?!”

“i don’t know! that is what i need to figure out and you to trust me on, but it’s hard!” you cry out.

“i’m doing my best to make this easy, but you still keep pushing back when i try to get anything out of you!” matt was frowning frustrated again, taking his hands to his face and massaging his eyes, “im just so tired of trying! i’m at my wits end!”

“matt, im sorry!”

“sorry isn’t good enough anymore!” matt almost shouted, “i don’t want another half-assed apology! that’s all you’ve given me our entire relationship, and it isn’t good enough!”

you internally groan, “matt, it’s not half-assed! i’m being considerate.”

“considerate of who? me? yourself?” matt spat, the anger in his voice returning, “because it seems like you’re trying to avoid having to do any work in our relationship and just want me to accept that you’re not ready!”

“well i don’t know what else you want me to do! because im seriously trying but you’re not giving me the time i need and that just takes us back to square one, baby!” you whine, wiping the tears that is running down your chin.

“but you’re not giving me anything to go off of!” matt’s voice was reaching high octive, the anger and exhaustion on his face evident, “i’ve been trying this entire time and every single time i tell you how i’m feeling you push my away. you ask me to give you time, and what exactly am i supposed to do while i wait other than be miserable?!”

your heart drops, “matt, baby… please. don’t give up on me.” you say your voice and heart breaking all at once.

“i don’t want to give up on you… i don’t!” matt said, the anger leaving his body as he watched your own sadness. he took a step towards you before suddenly wrapping his arms tight around you and pulling you into his chest, “i’m just so tired…” he whispered into your hair.

you sniffle before replying, “me too…”

matt didn’t say anything else, he just held onto you tight and buried his face in your hair. he squeezed you as tight as he closed his eyes and tried to get himself back under control.

there was a long heavy moment of silence that fell over the kitchen before matt finally spoke again, voice low.

“i’m sorry. im sorry im putting so much pressure on you, and you’re not ready. im sorry im losing my patience. i love you so much, but i just want to feel loved too… i want to hear you say it…”

“i love you, so fucking much.” whisper into his chest as you close your eyes, tears spilling out.

matt squeezed you tighter at your words, one of his hands reaching around to touch the back of your head in a protective hold. he rested his chin on top of your head, burying his face in the top of it as he closed his eyes again and inhaled the familiar scent of your shampoo. you could feel his body relax as you spoke, the tension leaving his tired and wear muscles.

“i love you too… i love you so much, even when you drive me crazy…”

“i’m really sorry for making you feel like this… i don’t mean it. i swear. it’s just… i just fuck up everything i do.”

“shhh…” matt hushed you, his hand massaging the back of your head in a soothing manner, “you don’t have to apologise for how you feel. i’m sorry for getting angry at you, i just want you to love me the same way i love you and i got frustrated and impatient.”

“but i fucked up our relationship…” you insecurely whispered into his chest.

“you may have said or done things that weren’t the best, but you haven’t completely ruined this relationship, sweetheart.” matt said quietly, pulling back now so he can look down at your tear stained face.

one of his hands came up to your cheek, his thumb gently swiping away one of the droplets.

“but i have or else we wouldn’t be having this argument…” you whispered.

“arguments are apart of every relationship, baby. this is natural, especially for us.” matt said, his tone gentle as he spoke, “this doesn’t mean you’ve completely ruined us. i still love you, and im sure you still love me.”

“of course i do, and don’t ever doubt it” you say shaking your head and looking down to the ground in embarrassment and shame that you caused this huge argument.

“hey,” matt spoke quietly as he took one of his fingers and placed it under your chin so he could lift it up, forcing you to look at him, “look at me baby,”

“hm?” you hum as you look up at him with a saddened look on your face.

his expression was so much softer than before, the exhaustion and the anger now replaced with love and concern. matt’s eyes searched your face as he kept his hand under you chin to hold you head up.

“i want you to listen to me and really hear me, okay?” he said in a soft and calm voice.

“okay” you whisper groggily due to the waterworks from before, and licking your dry lips.

“i love you. no matter how many times i get angry, or frustrated, or exhausted, i love you more than you will ever truly know. you haven’t ruined this. i haven’t lost my love or trust for you.” matt began to say, keeping his eyes fixed on yours, “i don’t ever want you to think that i don’t love you because i do. all i want is for you to try and meet me where i am, okay?”

“i love you. and im sorry for not doing what you expected from me. thank you for giving me a second chance, i don’t deserve you.” you say as another few tears spill out of your eyes.

“i don’t expect you to be perfect, sweetheart. i know you’ve gone through things and that’s what makes you human, but i know you still love me.” he whispered calmly.

matt dropped his hand from your chin to wrap around your waist again, and he gently pulled you forward to press you against his chest once more, his chin resting on top of your head and his arms wrapped around you in a firm hold.

“i love you” you whisper into his chest for the tenth time today, before leaning up and pressing a kiss to his lips, matt returned the kiss with gentle fervour, before burying his head in the crook of your neck and shoulder.

he held you tight, his body relaxing and conforming to your form as he held you close to him, enjoying the feeling of your body against his.

[cathedralbellz]

repurposed an old notebook to document my progress :3

mini blog: i’m feeling good!

working on myself has already made me feel SO much better! i had a good time with my mom today!! i think our relationship is improving lots! i’m so proud of myself ^^ it’s only uphill from here!!! it might get hard sometimes but im FULLY committed to being better. i wanna love myself more. i really appreciate myself ^^ i got this

(^・ω・^ )

as much as i’ve been feeling good, there have also been some tough parts. i can’t hide those from anyone, it wouldn’t be fair to say “this is going awesome and perfect and nothing is going wrong at all!!!”, it hasn’t been perfect so far, it’s good but not amazing. i’ve been feeling pretty anxious and kinda worried about my relationship with L (calling her “L” to keep her anonymous). ive felt kinda lonely without her and i have a pretty persistent urge to text her which definitely isn’t healthy.

i have to break the cycle of dependence. i can’t keep relying on her for everything, especially validation and happiness. i need to look for that within and be more happy with being my own source of validation and happiness. i wanna be self sufficient.

i’m a pretty cool person!! i have to start thinking like it!! i’ve been taking some steps to help me realize that and now that i have the steps to be better, i think i can really do it!!! i realized having a concrete plan is so important to me!

i’m gonna get better :3

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

i have been suffering of anorexia for a while now, and recently i've known that i dont want to continue down this path. im not currently in any form of professional treatment due to not having the money for it, so i'm trying to recover by myself. i always tell myself that "i'm going to start recovery tomorrow", and i eat more than i usually would for the day, but i always feel guilty about it and end up going back to how i usually survive by the next day, but i dont want to survive anymore, i want to live. if you have any advice as to how i can try recover without feeling overcome by that guilt, i would greatly appreciate it.

Oh this is so hard, I’m so sorry you don’t have money for the proper treatment! I’m proud of you for taking those first steps to eating well, and braving the uncomfortable feelings that come with it.

I think your next step should be to make time to be very mindful for the day after your start of a recovery attempt. You eat, and eating brings up all the uncomfortable feelings you were trying to control through restriction. Instead of trying to suppress or ignore those feelings, what if you invited them out in a non-judgmental way? Don’t tell yourself that the feelings are right or that you have to go along with them just because they’re strong, but just examine them. Journal about them, or meditate on them, or something along those lines. But try to acknowledge them in a neutral zone. So instead of catastrophizing and saying “I’ve lost all control of my body because I ate so much!” You could try noticing “Eating has become scary for me. I ate more than usual yesterday and it has brought up feelings of being out of control. I am learning to find healthy ways of channeling these feelings.” Don’t tell yourself that you’re bad or failing if you continuously struggle with this. Try to continue to notice things neutrally. “I have been doing really well in my recovery lately. That should make me proud, but I still feel scared. It makes me feel as if I can’t go back to the feelings of control I had.” That’s just an example - notice what you’re feeling and where it’s coming from, and examine those feelings in a non-judgmental context that is gentle to you even during times of prolonged distress.

You can also try prepping ready-meals and snacks for yourself on days when you really anticipate struggle. So a day when you eat especially well? Prepare some foods ahead of time that you can graze on without much effort and preparation. That way, you can get more food into yourself by eating a little bit here and there. It doesn’t necessarily matter if you eat in the traditional way, as long as you are getting enough general nutrition in. In fact, if your stomach has significantly adjusted to restriction, that might be the safest way of getting nutrition in you. As you work on your snacks, try to tell yourself that you deserve wellness. Not necessarily “you deserve this food” since food can feel like such a chore to you right now, and you may struggle at times to enjoy the food through the complicated feelings that it brings up. But you deserve wellness, long-term wellness. And making a habit of getting proper nutrition is part of the process of getting you there. As for the mental stuff, you can feel it out and learn for yourself.

[araminthe]

Thursday 8th of August / Jeudi 8 août

I will try to describe my day in a more organized manner

Work/Focus: I focused for an hour today, did some sudokus, my focus isn't that bad, and the more I do sudokus, the better I become at it.

Since at the start of summer, I tried to slowly stop my scrolling consumption, I definitely did get better, mentally, physically, cognitively.

I literally feel like I got freed of my addiction to scrolling and short-form content, like I got back my control over myself and what I do and Im definitely happier like that.

Obviously, it's not perfect but the fact that I don't have urge to scroll anymore, the fact that I gained back my clarity of mind, the fact that I can focus half an hour without needing to be distracted or needing a shot of dopamine says a lot about how I improved just by cutting back from this destructive habit.

So I'm happier and proud because I actually did improve on my worst point.

(Because of this addiction I even failed this year's exams for my degree at uni, just so you know bad it was)

Health: ate pretty healthy, (apart from the burger and fries at 11pm), also walked a lot outside before and after that, 5000 steps

Main event: Tried to work on myself by doing actual work as said previously.

Then I visited some cousins with my family, I played Minecraft, it recalled me my childhood, I want to play that game again now.

Then, with my brother and the 2 cousins my age, we got outside at night, it was 11pm and we decided some fast-food would be good.

It was a short fun trip at night (it was so fun, I now have a good memory for life).

So we go out, it's dark, 11pm, we drive to a fast-food, buy burgers and fries and enjoy the meal over some talking. It was delicious.

Then we drove a bit more around the place where they live with loud music in the car.

And when we got home it was late.

My mother was waiting for me and my brother to come back so we could go home, we had to go by foot since we didn't have a car that would fit all my family.

It was a short walk; 15 minutes at most, they don't live far from us, it's one small neighborhood away and it's pretty safe (I live in a nice place in France so it's alright)

So we go home then, my small siblings are singing random things during the whole walk.

There's literally no one else around so we can run around, race, take poses on the road to take picture. We were just enjoying.

When we finally get home, it's 1 am.

[snapshotspeirs]

PROJECT IDEA

Initially, for this project, I had planned to shoot a mirror point of view from people's homes and then do cyanotype print onto mirrors. The idea was to capture the person's personality and environment through the mirror to make it like a portal into their lives. The reason I want to use mirrors is that they have deep roots in art. People like Claude Cahun, who has work using mirrors and self-portraits to explore gender identity. Carrie Mae Weems "Not Manet's Type, 2010" is also a series of images i found inspiring for this idea, that project was more focused on critiquing the male gaze of black woman in art history however. So, not necessarily the message behind her project because that's not a subject for me to explore, but it doesn't mean I can't feel inspired by how she shot this work.

Claude Cahun

Unfortunately, however. Life got a bit in the way, so I have had to shelf this idea for a project for the time being and have had to adapt my idea a bit as the deadlines were building up and I was feeling stuck. I brought in my one test print I had done into class as a proof of concept and went over my idea but also mentioned I hadn't had a chance to shoot anything and that I was feeling overwhelmed and hadn't got much work done. During this class crit, we talked about how I might be able to adapt the idea. The new plan that I had landed on was to ask people I know for pictures of themselves that they feel like they look good in, either selfies or photos taken by someone else as long as it was a picture of them picked by them. The idea for me is to use these images and to put them into mirrors. The message is still about identity and a celebration of one's self. We are told narcism is a bad thing, but i feel like this isn't entirely true as it's very important to appreciate yourself in life. Yes, narcissists absolutely exist, and there are people who love themselves far too much. I'm not saying these things don't happen, but for this project, I'm interested in exploring the healthy appreciation of one's self. Photos that aren't too serious. One's that you might just like how you look in, one that you might be totally unserious and just wanted a silly picture or maybe an image from a moment that you felt proud of accomplished in.

For the new idea, the artists I had looked at previously are still relevant! I also remembered the work of Vivian Maier when trying to adapt my work. She had a very fun, casual approach to capturing images of herself in mirrors and reflections. Her work is the perfect example of what I'm interested in, actually. Her work is very much her very interested in her own form as a person and clearly was fascinated with taking photos of herself but also these photos weren't for the general public, she took them all for herself and her photography, to me, really pushes to redefine what narcism really is especially in this modern era of social media were people are constantly taking pictures of themselves and sharing them online more often for engagement from others more than as a way to appreciate yourself.

Vivian Maier

As for the medium I want to use, being gelatine Cyanotype, im partly doing this to push myself to try something new as I have been doing with most of my projects this year, it's also a progression from maybe the first project I done this year for the cameraless project. This year has also really taught me to take a step back from digital photography as it's really not been inspiring or enjoyable for me lately, but I have absolutely fallen in love with how tactile physical art is as someone who has nearly exclusively worked with digital mediums. I'm also incredibly interested by collodion wet plate work, but it's very expensive to get into, and I see this as a way to practice some of the skills I need for that process while not breaking the bank.

In terms of people to look, Caitlin Eadie, a previous student at the city of glasgow, has also used the method of cyanotype gelatin prints in the project called "HER" i managed to see an exhibition of this project at street level photoworks just before it ended.

https://www.instagram.com/caitlin_eadie?igsh=MTVtMGY5dXBqbjdsaQ==

I have always wanted to explore cyanotype and to try using it on other surfaces, and seeing Caitlins work in person really did push me to try it out for myself.

[astrobei]

hi astro (hope thats ok if i call you that!) heard you wanted interactions 👁 just wanted to say i absolutely adore your fics and i can tell how much love and passion was put into each and every one of them. so my question for you is, whats your favorite fic to write? what exuded the most emotion for you and what you feel like is your magnus opus? this can be multiple answers because you deserve to be proud of a lot of your works since theyre all great! have a great time wherever you are 🎉

omg YELLING that is so cute 😭 yes ofc u can call me that !! that is soooo kind of u !! seriously idk smth abt this compliment just . is so personal to me bc i Do probably care more abt my fics than i should for someone who is a full time student w a job but i just Cannot help it,, anyways thank u sm that made me smile so big i’m hugging u so tight 🫂🫂 and ooohhgg boy ok never ask me my favorite Anything bc i will not shut up abt it ! for me i think my fav fics of mine to write would be either you can hear it in the silence or i might be hoping about this which are both so deeply personal to me and i probably projected more than is feasibly healthy in both of them,, oops! and ik u did not ask for an Analysis but u are going to get one anyway so settle down grab some popcorn here we gooo

ok so idk about Magnum Opus but . you can hear it in the silence is probably the most personal fic i have ever written and the closest to a magnum opus i’ll ever get bc 1. i relate so deeply to mike wheeler as is and this was kind of how i interpreted his struggle w his identity and coming into himself just as a teenager navigating that weird place between high school and college and figuring out your interests and who u are,, and 2. full disclosure bc we’re all Friends here i Did write this fic right after a long distance relationship ended earlier in the summer which definitely influenced my decision to write it in the first place and 3. idk! there were so many aspects of this fic that were just me projecting, like mike getting the older sister mentor figure he deserves (i love nancy but she is Not the greatest older sister ok) and learning to take his time w things when you feel like u dont have enough of it,, anyways i would say this fic is probably my Favorite ive written ! it’s rly hard for me to reread my works but this one ive read back a few times and i actually. enjoy it?

i might be hoping about this is also rly special to me because IDK i just want what they have in this fic so bad dsdfjsdfj like. tender intimacy w someone who knows u better than u know urself! never having to feel like a burden to someone who loves u because they r happy to take care of u even when u can’t do the same,, idk i just think will byers deserves everything good in the world, and i really liked exploring his relationship to illness/his past trauma in this fic, especially since it was my first time writing established relationship! i Did have to step away from my laptop multiple times while writing this to scream into my pillow (literally im not exaggerating guys) because it was just so soft! and i felt so Lonely! anyways this is also a very special fic to me ik im literally the one who wrote it but GODDAMN i made myself sad.

thank u so much for the kind message again! i know u literally did not Ask for this page long analysis of my own writing but i am nothing if not incapable of being succinct so. <3

[shreddedparchment]

A Wife for Thor Pt.22

Obstacle

04/08/2021

Pairing: King!Thor x Reader          Word Count: 5,413

Warnings: angst, jealousy, marital problems, pregnancy, allusions to cheating (no actual infidelity), fluff, smug Loki

A/N: It took me SO long to get this chapter down. I wrote literally like a few sentence a day for a bit and then finally got some good chunks out. This has been a tough week but this chapter makes it all worth it! I hope y’all think so too. A lot of good stuff happens in this chapter, as in stuff that I really like. If you happen to reblog, thanks so much for helping me spread my work!

Please DO NOT repost my stories on any other sites or blogs.

REBLOGS are always welcome!

The shuffle around the palace as Loki escorts you through the front gate is overwhelming.

It’s safe to say that judging by your reception when you’d shown up in Heimdall’s tower located on the far side of the city, the Asgardians are happy to see you.

Armod is also happy to see you and you rush to get into your car before you can get swarmed by eager Asgardians.

Loki joins you in the back seat and lets Armod gush over his happiness at seeing you back home and healthy. And pregnant! More than anything, the people are happy to see the swell of your belly.

Many of the women are crying as you step out of the car at the palace gate, the men cheering enthusiastically.

Some of the children have found flower petals to throw into the air and it rains white, pink, and yellow blossoms.

It's the small waving hand of a little girl with ebony floor length braids that tugs too hard on your heartstrings and you give in to your impulse.

“Armod, stop the car, I’d like to greet the people,” you ask, swayed further by the eager faces of the young girl's siblings who flank her..

As much as being Queen had come unexpectedly and as much work as it's been, loving the Asgardians has never been a challenge and you've missed your people.

Their kindness has always been the best part of your day.

Armod gives Loki a quick look but stops the car just as the palace gates are opening.

He pulls over to the side, putting it in park before hurrying out to open the door for you.

“Are you sure?” Loki checks, reaching over to place his hand over yours on the seat.

“Of course. I owe them this. I’ve been gone for so long.”

“If you’d rather go in, we can find an excuse.”

“Loki,” you laugh once. “Is something wrong? Is there a reason I shouldn’t get out of the car?”

“Not at all,” he assures you. “I just don’t want you to force yourself. I know this pregnancy hasn’t exactly been easy on you.”

“I’m okay. And I’m sure they wanna see the proof that they have an heir coming. Really, Loki, I don't mind.”

Loki sighs, but gets out quickly to move around and take Armod’s place and offer you his arm.

Taking it, you pull yourself out, and after a long moment to steady yourself on your feet, you turn to face your people.

A large number of Valkyries suddenly pour from the open palace gateway and you wait as they line themselves in front of the gathering crowd. A simple border of control to keep you safe.

The people don’t seem threatened by the guard either and they continue to cheer until you raise your hand and call them to silence.

It only takes a few seconds for the noise to die, leaving only the ambient sounds of the city, wind, and the shuffling feet as more Asgardians and visiting humans gather.

“Hello,” you begin, voice a little shaky from nerves. “I’m...I-I’d like to start by first apologizing for disappearing. And then for being gone so long.”

The people watch and listen attentively, hanging on your every word. As your hands drop down to your belly to stroke it anxiously out of habit, their eyes are drawn to it and they seem to rattle with excitement again.

Looking down at your tummy, you contemplate the little one inside and the kicks he gave you earlier in the day.

He's really in there.

“It’s been a long journey to do what’s been expected of me. Difficult, actually. Giving you and Thor what we’ve all been hoping for is a privilege though. It's important that you all know that.

"However, I'm not as strong as all of you. I'm not as resilient. As soon as I knew that I was expecting the future prince or princess of New Asgard, I knew that I had to take precautions. I had to stop thinking like your Queen and just for a while, think like a mom. I told Thor that I wanted to take some time away from my duties as Queen if only to make sure that my pregnancy would take. In order to ensure the health of this baby.

“Im so very sorry if I caused any of you any worry or pain by disappearing. That was never my intention and it makes me...I can only say that I'm sorry. I hope that you all can understand why I left. The The thing is I’m happy to say that my efforts weren't wasted, clearly."

There's a rumble of gentle laughter that flows through the crowd and breaks the slightly somber mood your speech is causing. You give them a smile and they smile back.

"And while that does make me very happy, it has not been easy to carry this baby. I have been sick and weak but after some rest I'm now feeling stronger than ever. With the constant and careful care provided by Doctors Wilson and Alric, I’m finally able to resume my duties as Queen with the knowledge that this baby is strong and healthy and my body can take the strain of bringing him-or her into this world.

“I’m so happy to be back among my people, my home. You all are my family and it fills me with such joy to know that I have made you all proud.”

The people cheer, more and more gathering along the street so that it’s now clogged and impassable. Others have taken to peeking out of windows from the surrounding buildings or finding balconies and roofs to stand on to get a better look at you.

Their excitement changes to trepidation at the look on your face as you realize that now is the perfect time to address what happened yesterday.

They’re so attuned to your mood that they quiet down again and wait nervously for you to speak.

"On a more serious note, I know that many of you must have been shocked by the lies spewed onto the pages of the Watch. And I'd like to be as clear as I possibly can about my absence from the palace.

"I only left because of the concern I had for our future prince or princess. There was absolutely no other reason for my absence in our great city. While it is true that something did happen between Thor, Jane, and myself--well, I will only say that now I know that His Majesty the King of Asgard is wholly devoted to me and our family, just as he has been from the moment he accepted me as his wife.

"Not that I ever doubted it," you lie. No one needs to know how bad things are and it is true that now you know Thor is devoted to you.

So, it's not completely a lie.

"As a people," you continue. "We'll need to be vigilant about the people we choose to trust to come into our homes. We will be more cautious now, and as a woman…"

You swallow hard, thinking about the words itching on the tip of your tongue to tumble forward and make your heart clear. Maybe it's not right to say it? Maybe it isn't the queenly thing to do?

You don't care.

"As a wife and a soon-to-be mother, I will say that Doctor Jane Foster is not welcome in my home. She has proven to be unworthy of the trust we placed in her and while her expertise is an invaluable commodity that I am sad to lose, I would rather have the second best than risk the stability of my family."

To your surprise, there are a flutter of approving nods and smiles, wives and husband's looking scandalized by the confirmation that something went down but clearly it was Thor that had Jane kicked out. A few cheers come but they quiet down quickly.

"My love for His Majesty is unwavering. As is his for me. No marriage can be without it's struggles but Thor and I are as united as we have ever been. Both in love, devotion, to each other and you, our people. Together we will strive to protect this kingdom to the best of our abilities and with this child, I hope we can begin to lay down proper roots for us so that everyone on Earth will know that New Asgard is here to stay."

The crowd cheers. It's deafening and your hands are trembling so terribly even clenched into fists they shake.

"LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!" someone shouts and the others fall into the chant as it's picked up by what sounds like everyone in the crowd.

A cool hand presses against the center of your back and you lean towards him as he whispers in your ear.

"That was beautifully done, Y/N," Loki admires. "Now come along. You need your rest."

You cradle your bump and the crowd cheers louder as you wave while Loki leads you back into the car.

As it pulls away from the curb, the Valkyrie turn to follow behind you. Faces full of stern pride. Their gleaming armor shining bright in the late afternoon sun.

The large wooden and steel reinforced gates of the palace close with a thundering clatter and you lean back, heart suddenly clenching painfully. Your stomach turns and you feel like you might throw up.

You shut your eyes and open the window allowing the cooling air to help drive your nausea away.

"Y/N? You alright?" Loki checks, putting his hand on your arm.

"I'm fine," you assure him, unwilling to open your eyes.

"Are you sure? Only, you're looking a little green."

That doesn't actually happen does it? Do people look green when they're gonna throw up?

You assume he's exaggerating, but as the last bit of the swirl in your belly passes, you look at him with fearful eyes.

"I'm nervous," you admit.

"To see Thor?"

"Mm," you nod.

"He's missed you. He will probably try and hug you. Might even kiss you."

"I don't know if I can handle that, Loki."

"You'll have to. The guards around the palace are sworn to secrecy about anything that happens in here, but with the amount of information that magazine was able to get we're pretty sure there's a mole amongst our number."

You look away from him, frowning because the last thing you want is to hug and kiss Thor.

Well, that is, you really want to do those things. Which is why you shouldn't. Not until you can be around him with some kind of rational thought and control over your feelings.

You need to get a grip and come to terms with the reality of your situation before you can let yourself love hum.

You have to protect yourself.

It turns out that you have nothing to worry about.

Estrid who had come before you with your things is there to greet you. A few others of the palace staff come to see you and you're welcome back with fondness.

Because you know you have to play the part, you look for him.

"His Majesty had a sudden summons from the Lady Sif and the Warriors Three, my Queen. He apologizes for missing your arrival but he's had the small dining room filled with all of your favorites.

"When you are finished with dinner, he has asked that you wait for him in his study."

Estrid's tone tells you she's wary for you. She wants to make sure you're okay.

The disappointment you feel gives you away not only to yourself, but everyone there to see your face fall as you caress your belly.

"A blessing in disguise?" Loki suggests in your ear for just you, but the smile on his lips says he knows better.

"He'll be back before it gets too late, Your Majesty," Estrid assures you, trying to soothe your sadness. "He promised. There’s nothing more he wants than to see you."

"I know," you smile at her, then the others before you head for the dining room, your stomach grumbling in anticipation of the foods you know are waiting.

~~~~~~~~~~

Waiting is torture. You keep trying to read your book but your attention is pulled back to the door of Thor’s study every few seconds.

You groan, dropping the book onto the desk before throwing your head back with scrunched up eyes.

How is it possible to be desperate to see someone while also dreading it?

It feels like you'll die if you don't lay eyes on Thor but also like it'll tear you to shreds if you do. There's no winning here.

You gasp as the door opens and get to your feet in the same breath.

Thor's body is rising and falling heavily with his own labored breathing. He'd been running.

To get to you? No. You can't be swayed.

"I'm here."

His declaration is soft but heavy with meaning. More than just him announcing his arrival.

"Oh, aren't you a vision," he gushes.

"Hi," you whisper, only because you can't catch your breath.

He's wearing jeans, a plain black t-shirt stretched across his bulging chest. He's even more massive than you remember. Three months away has deprived you so fully that suddenly being in his presence leaves you hungry for him.

You want him so much.

"I've missed you, desperately," he confesses. "May I greet you properly?"

You frown, so undecided.

"Or not," Thor relents. "Forgive me, I just got caught up in the moment."

Why is this so hard?

You want to feel him.

"You can greet our baby properly," you give in.

A big part of you needs to feel him and this is the only way you can give in and feel like you're still doing your best to hold strong in your resolve to get some distance.

Thor’s eye lights up and quickly finds the swell of your tummy with recognition.

"Really?"

"I will never keep you from our baby, Thor. Even if I'm not ready for things to go back to normal between us just yet."

Thor takes a half step towards you and watches you carefully for any indication that you're not comfortable with his proximity.

You sigh, head tilted to the left slightly before you hold out your hand to him, beckoning him closer.

In three long strides Thor takes your hand and stops when he's only a foot away.

"Here," you gasp.

Your heart is in overdrive. Thor’s touch is doing things to your body. There's an initial rush of butterflies in your stomach and quickly you pull Thor’s hands to the spots where your baby is kicking in response.

Thor’s body freezes. He goes rigid. He even stops breathing.

For a moment you begin to worry that maybe you've broken him, until he suddenly drops to his knees.

He swallows hard, eyes pooling as he stares at the swell of your stomach as the baby continues to kick.

“They’re really in there,” he’s so choked up about it that his voice cracks around the words.

As he speaks, the baby kicks more.

Thor laughs but then leans in to kiss your stomach over the fabric of your dress.

“We really made her,” Thor gushes.

“Her?”

He looks up at you, confused for a second before he smiles wide, “Or him. It doesn’t matter. What matters is our baby is coming.”

Your heart swells, and you’re so happy that you could float away like a hot air balloon with the warmth flooding your limbs.

This is the moment you’d dreamt of. This is the moment that had been stolen from you by Jane and her lies. This is the moment that you and Thor had both been yearning for.

He’s so caught up in it, floating through the glow of this perfect moment that he presses his lips to your tummy again two more times before he’s rising, his hand hooked behind your neck as he meets your lips as he gets to his feet.

You’re so unprepared for it, so utterly lost in this sweet exchange between him and your baby that your lips pucker on their own.

He opens his eye and yours, already open, stare into his. He looks slightly shocked to find himself kissing you but he doesn’t stop.

Instead, his expression shifts into a pained look of desire. He pulls back, his hand dropping to grip your bicep.

“I would say that I’m sorry but I have been wanting to kiss you since the moment I left you three months ago.”

You say nothing, watching him, listening. You’re searching your soul to see if this is okay with you because it feels okay. Despite the sirens blaring in your mind about the restrictions you’d set for yourself when you’d decided to come back home, your body is telling you it needs this. Your heart is painfully aching at Thor’s touch.

You’ve missed it. You’ve missed him. 

“Is this alright? I can go.”

The idea of him going now feels like the end of the world. Rationally, you know that isn’t an appropriate response to his offering to leave you be, especially when you know you asked him for space for specific reasons.

“No,” your hands grip the sides of his t-shirt tightly, holding him in place without any actual strength since compared to him, you’re as mighty as a little mouse.

You refuse to look up at him, despite the crumbling of your resolve.

“No, don’t go.”

It’s an almost involuntary shy response to your diminishing shame at losing all control after his touch. After one kiss. You should be disappointed in yourself. And part of you is. However, that part of you grows increasingly small as Thor gently takes hold of your chin and guides your gaze up until you can meet his.

“I’m sorry, cherub. I will try and be worthy of you again.”

“I know,” you admit, knowing how sorry he’s been from the moment he realized that he’d done something that hurt you badly. “I know you are.”

“Can I kiss you, cherub?”

His voice is so deep, so alluring and coaxing that you drop your gaze again, fixing it on his collarbone before slowly you nod.

His arm winds its way around your waist and he pulls you to him before dipping down and catching your lips with his again.

He pulls away after a second because the swell of your belly gets in the way, but he laughs and looks down at it.

The pleasant sound of his happiness gives you too much joy.

As you begin to smile, Thor reaches down to press one hand to the side of your stomach while he pulls you against him again and kisses you this time with more fervor.

The longer he has his lips pressed to yours, the more enthusiastic he gets until finally you’re breathless and you pull back but instead of pulling away, you wrap your arms around him and fist the back of his t-shirt,

You bury your face against his wide chest and Thor brings his hands back up to caress the sides of your face, his lips kissing the top of your head.

“I know I may not have a right to say this, but thank you for coming home. Thank you for coming back to me. I thought I’d lost you."

His arms grow a little tighter, his heart is in an absolute stampede.

You turn your head sideways so that you can listen to his heartbeat.

"This is what I'd wanted," you whimper, starting to be overcome with the emotion of being reunited with Thor and things falling into place more easily. "This is how I'd wanted us to share this moment."

Thor sighs heavily, giving you one more squeeze before he pushes you back a little so that he can look at you.

“I’m so sorry that I robbed you of that. I was a fool,” he nods, his eye intense as he stares into yours with wordless declarations piercing into you.

The memory of your speech with the people when you arrived pops into your head and now with Thor’s arms around you it all feels a little like an overreaction. The past three months feels like a distant nightmare.

Or does this feel like a dream?

“Thor,” you begin but Thor’s lips are on you again, drowning out your words.

“Oh, to hear you say my name,” he declares and kisses you again.

Your mouth opens for him and you absolutely melt against his chest as he nearly dips you in passion.

He pulls back again, “Is this real?”

He kisses you.

“You feel so good in my arms.”

He kisses you.

“Your skin is so…” but then he hums and kisses you.

He dips down and with his arms tight around your waist but also careful with the swell of your stomach, he lifts you so that you’re level with his eye.

“I love you, so much, my cherub. Thank you, thank you for coming home. Thank you.”

“I’m sorry I stayed away,” you sigh. “I need to be strong without you, Thor. I was hurt but I never stopped loving you.”

His face goes through shame, understanding, and then elation.

In a burst of subdued anger and aggression for what he put you through, you reach up and grab his shoulder. You dig your fingers in against the taut muscle then reach up to pull one of his ears.

You’re clearly not hurting him but he allows you to move his head, understanding the need to express your anger even if you’re not doing any damage.

“Never do that to me again,” you growl. “Never say that you’ll leave me. Why would you say that? Even in passing? You were so damn sure.”

“No, Y/N, I wasn’t. The moment I saw you, I knew that I could never leave you. I’m sorry. I could never even think those thoughts again.”

“You better not, or I won’t come back next time. I’ll disappear and you’ll never see me again.”

Thor takes your threat for what it is. A promise. Truth.

He shakes his head as he leans forward to press his forehead to yours, shutting his eye.

“I swear,” he begins. “On my life.”

He keeps you there, hovering over the ground with your heads together for a few minutes before he slowly lowers you to the ground. You realize it’s because he wants to stroke your belly and you take a slight step back so that he can.

He smiles, happy. It reminds you of the look your people had when you’d arrived only a hundred times as possessive and joyful.

Again, your speech intrudes on your reunion and this time, you won’t let him distract you.

“Thor,” you coax, placing your hands over his where they rest on the sides of your stomach.

“Yes, my cherub?”

He’s excessive in the affection he puts in his voice but you know that he must be floating on cloud nine after what you both went through when you made him leave you at your house.

“I-I did something and I’m not sure if it was right of me to do it,” you watch his brow wrinkle and for a split second you almost lose yourself in the beauty of his face.

Has he always been this handsome?

“When I got back I kinda made a speech? Everyone was so happy to see me and to see me carrying our heir and I wanted to apologize to them for leaving and for making them worry. I wanted to share in their excitement for the baby and with that stupid tabloid having come out yesterday-”

“Right, the article,” there’s guilt in his voice despite there being no truth to the rumors it printed.

“I wanted to put their minds at ease and I...I did confirm that something happened with Jane but not what they were thinking.”

Thor’s expression hardens just a tad and he pulls backs towards a large armchair. He grabs your hand though and pulls you along with him until he can sit and then carefully attempts to offer you his lap, unsure if you’ll sit.

You do, because you’re tired and because you’re not eager to be away from him again. Now that you’re touching him, you’re not in a hurry to change that again.

“What did you say exactly?”

Swallowing hard, you lick your lips nervously, “Um...I told them the truth. Not exactly the truth, but enough of it that they’ll understand that Jane isn’t welcome here. I said that the only reason I left is for my health and the health of the baby, which is true. I didn’t want them to worry about us because even if we didn’t reconcile, I want us to be united for them at least.

“But I don’t trust Jane, Thor. Not after what she did. Not after how she treated me when you weren’t looking, and the people need to know that I will protect them from anyone, no matter who they are to you or me.”

Thor’s face grows pained as you speak, his arm wrapping around your waist as his other hand caresses the side of your stomach. You’re starting to realize that it’s going to be hard to get his hands off it, but that doesn’t seem like a terrible problem.

“I wish you had told me that she’d been rude to you,” Thor sighs, taking his hand off of his stomach to stroke your cheek. “If I had known-”

“She wasn’t rude to me Thor, she dismissed me. I wasn’t even worth acknowledging to her and now I know it’s because she was jealous and wanted you back because what? She saw what we had together and suddenly it was good enough for her?

“I was in her way. That’s all I was. Even if in the end she couldn’t go through with it whether it was because she felt guilty for doing this to us or for lying or for having second thoughts and knowing that she doesn’t want to be Queen or a mom, she’s a bad person to me. And I have every right to protect myself, my baby, and our marriage from her. She’s not welcome here Thor. I never want to see her again. Ever.”

He’s cradling you now, holding you close because the intensity with which you're telling him that Jane is not welcome in your home is transferring to him.

“And if you’d known, you wouldn’t have done anything, Thor. You’d probably have talked to her and asked her what was going on and she would have lied to you and you would have believed her.”

He doesn’t deny it. He does look like it hurts him to know that you know though. That’s enough for you.

“I think it took her lying and doing this to us to make you see what she’s capable of.”

Thor shuts his eye, resting his head against your chest as he wraps his arms around you again.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are, Thor. But you weren’t the one who lied. I mean, you didn’t tell me what was happening, but you weren’t the reason that this happened. If Jane hadn’t lied-”

“But she did,” Thor says, his deep voice anguished. “And I failed to honor my vows. You are my Queen and I should have come to you the moment she told me she was pregnant.”

You both fall into silence as you reach over to stroke his bicep. His skin is so soft. Touching it gives you comfort in a way you weren’t aware you needed. The more you touch it the more you need to feel it.

A finger stroking his skin turns into two, then four, then your entire hand is running up under the sleeve of his t-shirt.

With the way his hand curls around your thigh, you know that both your bodies are responding to your touch. Both of you are heated but instead of giving into that because you aren’t ready for that yet, you lay your head on his shoulder and curl in closer to his chest.

Thor sighs heavily, wrapping you up in his arms as he cradles you close.

“Now we know better,” you whisper.

“Now I know what losing you will do to me,” Thor agrees. “I’ve missed you so much, cherub.”

You don’t respond. You’re too choked up to say anything without your voice cracking so both of you stay like that for a while.

The cocoon of Thor’s arms is toasty and from the exhaustion you’re feeling plus all of the emotions that have drained you, your eyes are heavy and difficult to keep open.

“What about you?”

Thor’s chest rumbles with a chuckle.

“We can talk more tomorrow, cherub. Sleep.”

“I’m not sleepy,” you lie.

“Very well, then. What about me?”

“You’re sleepy?” you look up at him, full of concern.

He chuckles again, “No, cherub. What were you asking?”

“Oh! I just wanted to know if you’re okay. What Jane did to you can’t have been easy. Despite what she did to us as a couple, she said she was pregnant. You’ve been wanting a baby for so long and she dangled that in front of you like the rat that she is. And then she wasn’t even pregnant?”

Thor’s arms constrict around you as he pulls you up towards him to kiss you.

It’s slow and full of emotion.

“Even after all of that, you’re still worried about me?”

“It took time,” you admit. “Once I wasn’t so angry and I thought about what Jane really did. I hate the idea that your heart broke over her lies. I can’t believe she ever loved you if she was willing to make you feel that way.”

Thor just stares at you, searching your eyes before he rubs his nose gently against your own. When he speaks, his voice is so low, so deep, an intimate whisper. It burrows into your chest and settles right there underneath your ribs and makes you breathless with missing him and desire.

“That’s why you’re my Queen, Y/N. And she is not.”

You’re not sure if it’s an Asgardian ability or if maybe it’s something specific to Thor, but he has a way of making you swoon.

“I missed you so much,” he confesses again, that whisper sinful. “Did you not miss me?”

You nod because you can’t speak. There’s a lump in your throat made of both sadness and want.

“Was your bed as frigid as mine was in your absence? Did you miss my breath on your neck as I did yours? Or the steady beat of your heart when you pressed your breast to my back as you held me while I slept?”

Fuck, he’s making this so impossible.

“I hate you so much,” you counter, but his lips stretch into a small knowing smile as you take a tight hold of the neck of his shirt and pull him up to meet your lips.

He exhales heavily into you, tasting you, relishing in every pulsating touch as both your hearts ache and yearn almost in disbelief as if both of you can’t believe that these wants, these needs are finally being met.

As he pulls back to tilt his head the other way, he takes hold of the sides of your face again, his lips grazing yours, “I love you.”

Before you can reply or yank him back into that torturous yet blissful kiss, a voice at the doorway clears their throat.

“Well, that was fast, what happened to keeping him at a distance?”

Loki’s voice pulls your gaze and you can feel your cheeks and neck burn at how easily it seems you’ve crumbled when finally face to face with Thor.

You frown at your brother-in-law, while Thor ignores his brother and leans up to press very non-chaste kisses to your neck, “I told you coming back was a bad idea.”

But Loki’s smile is blinding and with one chuckle he backs out of the room, shutting the door quietly as Thor turns you back to him so that he can get back to kissing you.

[technowoah]

Taunt

It only takes one time to realize you fucked up.

- ANON REQUESTED!

- WILBUR X FEM! READER BLURB

PROMPTS!

50) "Fuck off... I mean it"

24) "Get in the car" "..." "please get in the car"

⚠︎ angst to fluff, swearing, based on the song Taunt by Lovejoy ❤🐈 its short btw yall

[Updated 3 hours after upload I messed up the prompts sorry yall now it fixed]

She was always asking if he was alright. He always lied to her just to get her off his back for the night, but it was his fault that he wanted her to move in. He has to deal with that all of the time, it was her fault anyways. She made him upset, she made him not alright. She didn't know that. She constantly complained about things that didn't even concern her, she dodged their relationship making it more about her than them.

It was tiring to him. Constantly providing, trying to tie a broken knot, but he didnt let that get in the way of his career, or his friends. There's another issue, he never talked to his friends about her. She accused him of not being proud of their relationship and that became a problem that never got resolved.

Did anyone ever say "no" to her? Well if no one did, he would be the first one to do so. Fuck that.

He listened, and listened, but nothing kept this relationship together.

Wilbur talked to the three people chatting on his discord through his headphones as a soft LED lights flowed through the room. These nights were simple because she didnt have to see him when he decides to stream, he basically has his time set out for himself without trouble. He wasn't ecstatic, he felt horrible, but the facadè was there.

Her on the other hand wasnt happy either. She never got attention from him, and of course she could get moody from time to time like every other human being, but she always took it out on him. Who else was gonna be there for her? He acted like her cared, she knew he was lying. His "caring" consisted of humming and him responding like a default character in a video game. He didn't care, he acted like he never did. She needed that attention and he knew damn well she did.

She wasnt asking for much, at least to her it did feel like it. She knew when she was wrong, but she didn't want to admit it when they were both in the wrong too. They dont get each other, she didnt know why he asked her to move in when he didn't want anything to do with her. Ever since he moved her in he kept her in check like a child, she hated and loved that at the same time. Its true that she wanted her own way, she did what she wanted and gave her attention to whoever she wanted her attention to be. She thought that was fine, but apparently she dosent give any effort to the relationship.

Rolling her eyes at the thought she decided to leave the dishes in the sink dirty. She thought about leaving and finding someone who will get her, yes Wilbur listened to her, but there was no effort. When he's drunk and tries to "figure out what makes her brain tick" ends up in more distaster.

Lying in the couch her mind began to wonder, he always said that she could get away with anything. She always took it as a taunt. Everytime it was brought up. He called it "pretty privilege" and he always taunts her saying she abuses that power.

Her jaw clenched as she recalled those memories. Summoning the courage she brought herself up onto her feet and rushed to their shared bedroom. Taking a deep breath she opened their closet and started pulling her things off of hangers, not caring if she made a mess. She tossed her clothes onto the messy bed that they didn't bother to make this morning.

Bringing a small backpack out from underneath the bed she tried shoving most of her clothes into a bag for a night. In total frustration she emptied the bag and only backed necessities that she would need for the night.

She was tired of him and he was tired of her so she was doing both of them a favor. She made her way out of the door grabbing a coat and sliding on some simple shoes. Shooting a quick text to a close friend letting them know she's coming over. Her friend wasn't that close, but she decided to walk. As she locked the door to their shared apartment she debated texting Wilbur. She didnt want to, but she didnt want him to freak the fuck out because she wasnt home.

( Wilbur )

Me: Ill be back for the rest of my stuff tmrw.

[Read]

She closed her phone and started on her night time journey down the street trying to let everything from the past few weeks go with the cool wind.

Him on the other hand stayed silent. He had just finished his stream and had gotten a text saying that she'll be back for the rest of her things. This was inevitable, one of them had to leave, but to him it didnt seem right. He didn't want her to leave. Something in his heart was making him chase her back, the same thing in his heart that moved her into his apartment in the first place. Maybe it was love, maybe he wanted to persevere and have someone in his life. Something in his mind was telling him that he let go of something special.

Wilbue thought about it as he shut everything off and went to go grab his belongings, before rushing out the door to try and find her. Sadly to his discovery, she turned off her location. He finally made it to his car and started driving towards his house to see if she was around there.

He couldn't call a friend because she never introduced her friends to him. She did that on purpose because of him not doing the same. As he drove down the not so busy streets of Brighton he thought if he could get to know her, pull emotions and feelings out of her and see the real her. And if he cant do that? Who knows what will happen.

He remembers this face she always pulled when he always said "Im alright." She scrunched up her nose in annoyance and he always took it as a taunt because he couldn't figure out the real meaning. They were both going at this the wrong way, he dosent know anything about her and maybe thats the problem, but she needs to calm down as well. She needs to start paying attention to both of them instead of herself.

He was seated at a stoplight until he saw a figure on the sidewalk walking past him. The person looked shocked then kept walking, but even faster this time. He rolled down the window to see it was Y/n walking. Wilbur ran the red light and found a place to turn the car around to follow her. He drove a couple of feet in front of her before putting his hazard lights on and stepping out of the car to confront her.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Wilbur said while getting our of his car.

"Im getting away from you. And what are you doing here?" She said.

"Well I could ask you the same thing. Its not safe out here alone." He calmed down a little. Wilbur's main goal was to get her back home so they can have a civilized talk. He didn't want to be out here.

"Oh? Ive been fine for the past fifteen minutes." She sasser back.

"That dosent mean its not safe!" He exclaimed.

She stayed quiet so that gave Wilbur an opportunity to speak.

"See, I want us to go home so we can have a civilized talk without feeling defensive. I want to get to know you, I know you're my girlfriend and yes, it was my mistake rushing things. Im not putting the blame all on myself either." He finished and she stayed quiet with her arms crossed infront of her chest.

"Are you cold-?"

"Fuck off...I mean it." She said while trying to pass hin on the street.

He stood in her way and he kept doing that every time she tried to get around him. Wilbur saw that she was getting annoyed at his actions. Wilbur held her by both of her biceps trying to hold her still so he could talk.

"You're being childish!"

"Fucking listen to me! You cant just keep walking away from us! From me! This is not healthy!" Wilbur yelled. He let go if her and surprisingly she stayed there.

"Get in the car." He ordered but she stayed silent. "Please get in the car."

She turns around gets in the passenger seat if Wilbur's car. He sighed a sigh if relief and followed her lead. They both got settled into the car and he didn't move. He wasn't going to drive unless she talked to him. After a minute if silence she spoke up.

"I know its- its both of our faults. And i have some things I need to work on. I cant just run away. Also your thoughts of me need to be rearranged, but I need to give you all of me. At leat 50 percent so we can start somewhere. But Im sorry." She said while she looked down at her lap maybe in embarrassment.

In the end they both wanted to fix themselves. In the end they wanted eachother. And they can both see that.

He leaned over the armrest and gave her a kiss on her cheek. She turned to him with a surprise look on her face, like this was the most affection he gave her, because it was true. She grabbed his hand that rested on the armrest too as he started to drive towards their home together.

As the nightly drive continues on and now shes drifting off in the passenger seat as In Love With An E-girl plays softly. She's left too tired to talk with Wilbur and be in touch with her emotions right now, but she'll do it for the both of them this time.

[jerseyclown]

hey kc do u have advice about being embarrassed about my writing? i have like five published pieces but im having major imposter syndrome and feeling like all my stuff is so horrible that i don't even deserve to be considered a writer. im so deeply embarrassed of what i write and feel like i should just give up. this is seriously taking a toll on me mentally and i think its also what's preventing me from writing recently. anyways i love ur work and am just hoping u have some insight. thank you!

YESS i absolutely do have advice. im sure ive mentioned on here before that i used to be steadfast sure id never publish anything for numerous reasons, but one especially being my fear of being average and talentless.

first of all, anyone can be a writer. you dont have to be good at writing to be a writer. at all. you literally just have to write and you’re a writer. i urge you to & hope you can realize your talent or success is not what gives you permission to create. if you swim, you’re a swimmer. if you sing, you’re a singer. if you write, you’re a writer. it’s not the talent that gives the act meaning, its the act itself. you are a writer, and a good one at that, because you create.

one thing i have to tell you is that no matter how much you write & how good you are of a writer, you’re gonna make stuff that isnt that great. youre gonna make stuff that sucks. and thats okay, because those ideas have to go somewhere, and getting them down allows you to move past and create Good Stuff. writing “bad” stuff doesnt make you a good writer, it makes you a healthy creative with a healthy creative process.

but i understand being embarrassed about what you write. i think a lot of times we do write stuff that can feel embarrassing either in topic or execution. like in my case — recently i had a nonstarter crush that hurt my feelings really bad and for a few weeks (probably more) most of the stuff i was writing was just… not good. even if i liked the craft of a sentence, it felt embarrassing and clunky and awkward. it made me feel deeply untalented and Stuck. while writing helps me emotionally process, sometimes you need to recognize that you need to step back from that and find other ways to get out feelings and move through moments of creative or emotional block. i took a while without really writing as much and i worked on editing old stuff and polishing stuff im proud of as a personal reminder that you can do that & you will do that again. i also learned to do other things (skating has helped me with that immensely.)

it also helps to just put it down. you dont need to force yourself to write. i think of it as like a muscle and if if you are using a strained and exhausted muscle, you’re more likely to damage it and then have even a harder time getting back to it. id recommend taking a break or at least putting less pressure on yourself to create. you can work on stream of conciousness writing to continue evolving a practice but then work on not taking that writing as something to be good. sometimes it just helps to sit down and put down Whatever. it sort of helps “unclog” your brain, in my opinion.

in terms of embarrassment ive also worked through a great deal of self criticism (i still do), and it helps me personally to try and investigate those thoughts. i can usually catch myself in the negative thought (im making bad art/this sounds stupid/im talentless/fill in the blank) and then find ways to counteract it. it helps me to remind myself you have to make bad art to make good art, im not put on this earth to create stuff to satisfy anyone else but me, etc. you have to investigate the negative thought at the source and find ways to counteract it by disproving that logic (at least thats how it works for me.) it might also help to talk about the negativity with a friend or someone else (ive even used my therapist to break through some of those thoughts, but i know not everyone is helped by therapy or doesnt have access to it.) in general, i think the most important thing is finding the root of a thought and then working to curb or work around it — and it takes patience and time. its hard. but you’ll get past it. i promise.

altogether, i think id recommend being gentler with yourself. patience is the hallmark of creating art and your mind is a very gentle machine that needs care and time. allow yourself to rest & do things that bring your brain calm and new inspiration. i always seek out new music when im feeling blocked or i go for a walk/skate/drive/etc. but its not a bad thing to put it down, to take a break. ive gone months and months without writing literally anything, and there’s nothing inherently bad about that. you might be cyclical like me, or perhaps you need rest and to find your starting point again. perhaps focus less on publishing for a while and work on creating stuff that satisfies you, or maybe find other ways to be creative that isnt writing. its easy to get caught up in our own fears, but you’ll get past this. just have patience and do what feels best for you & what brings you creative fulfillment, even if that means taking a break. allow yourself to create bad art, too.

i hope this helps. i wish you the best.

[dolliedarlin]

hello love! happy saturday!

i hope this week hasn’t been too stressful for you! i hope that you’ve been able to finish any homework you’ve had and if you’ve had any tests you’ve passed them all :) although i’m confident you have because you’re amazing like that ;)

how have you been? how’s university? what have you been up to lately?

this week has been incredibly stressful and not too great for me. i’ve been buried in homework and when i wasn’t at school, i was at work. while i’m thankful that i’ll now have some spare money to do things with, i am grateful for todays break. and also my friend that i talk about a lot on here has blocked me on all social media, which is a lot more heartbreaking than i thought it would be. i’m not really sure the real reason why, but as his girlfriend dislikes me, it is most likely because she did not want us to communicate anymore. and while it breaks my heart because i miss my friend dearly, im doing my best to understand and am being respectful on their decision.

i’ve taken up journaling again. i find it feels better to write down my thoughts because the more i write them down, the less that i find them constantly circulating around in my head. it’s brought me some comfort which i enjoy.

my sleep schedule hasn’t been to great lately but i don’t do well when i’m upset/stressed. i’m doing my best to fix it, but it’ll take some time. i have decided i need to do a new routine now that part of my routine has changed.

im sorry for the cloud of negativity but i promise i’m doing better today than i was a few days ago. i’m taking today as a sort of self care day and am working on making myself feel better. i’m also going to finish the rest of my homework and hopefully get some time to myself. i’ve decided to clean my bedroom to try to give myself some comfort with a clean room and have been in communication with my friends (including you <3)

while everything has been difficult to deal with im working on keeping positivity for next week and telling myself it can only go up from here. and while i didn’t want to post any negativity, i did want to update you on what’s going on right now.

i hope you’ve been doing well and i wanted to remind you that you are an incredible person and i am very thankful for your friendship! i love talking to you and hearing from you and i hope you’ve been doing well lately <3

lots of love,

liv

i feel so guilty not having replied to you for so long that i need to reply to a second check-in with you, my deepest apologies, dollface, i'll do better in the future when replying to you because seeing your messages and hearing about your week is always a highlight in mine <3

no! you're amazing for always being such an embodiment of sunshine in my life, even if it's only through the internet, i can't imagine not having you and your kind messages and check ins in my life anymore XD you have such a wonderful impact on people, i'm so blessed to have met such a beautiful person such as you -^7^-

thank you again for all your kind words and positive messages, i sincerely hope that all is well and happy with you as well and that your school work atop other commitments are going well and aren't too overwhelming, though if they do get to that point, please take a step back and breathe if you can

oh darling, i'm sorry you're having to go through so much, i hate seeing you heartbroken like this and with such a demanding schedule with school and work too. but again, you're such an angel for being respectful and understanding the situation, a lot of people can learn so much from your kindness and understanding, however, i want to reiterate that it's also very healthy to let out that stress and frustration and heartbreak somehow, perhaps watch/listen to sad movies/songs to help you cry it out or go for a walk somewhere beautiful or something like that, it'll help clear your mind and ground you after so you don't feel as down

that's perfect! i'm proud of you for taking that step into self care and doing what makes you feel good whilst surrounding yourself with good company too, if you ever feel the need for a more intimate chat, feel free to message me privately to talk things out and i promise nothing will leave that chat, whatever is said there stays there - gosh, i wish i could just cuddle you and make you some hot chocolate, my poor baby, you've been through a lot in such little time, i'm sad but also so proud at how you stayed strong and understanding without getting bitter

also! don't ever say sorry about 'negativity', yes i want my blog to be a wholesome happy safe space but it's very necessary to face the negativity to because where is the good if there's no bad additionally! whatever your feelings and experiences are, all of them are valid and you should never ever feel bad for how you feel; it's not a crime to go through some slumps and feel bad when you're in said slump, in fact, letting out that negativity and talking to someone about it is very important <3

i hope the same for you as well and i am also very thankful for your friendship, it's become something so precious to me and i look forward to your messages always

all my love,

dollie x

[miyaniacs]

Hey!! I think this is an emergency request? But I was wondering if you could do an x reader in which she has an ED and self harms with Yamaguchi, Oikawa and Akaashi? If the topic makes you uncomfortable, could you just do fluff with those three? I’ve been feeling terrible lately and I need comfort like this rn this would mean a lot to me thank u :) i don’t wanna feel like im pressuring u into anything so if you don’t feel comfortable writing this it’s totally fine!!! Thank you :D

Hiiii :)

Sorry it took so long - I was really sleeping in & needed to finish an Assignment that’s due to tomorrow 💀 also... I'm sorry I just did Yams and Oikawa... I really wanted to do Akaashi, because he’d just be perfect on how he’d act in this situation... but I just couldn't get myself to write for one more rn... and I want to post it for you.. I can still make one for Akaashi another day, just sent in another request baby ❤️🥺

ALSO my messages are open love, I know how you feel so hit me up if you wanna talk 🥺

Ok so just a Little disclaimer - it could happen that I’ll write some personal experiences/ thoughts since I think I had an ED / developed one (but kinda stopped it getting worse ) and it still pops up here and there ( actually just last week ) - like I never been diagnosed but still I’m pretty sure lol

Also idk what kind of ED you got BUT I belive it’s probably under eating / binge eating so I mainly include those

masterlist

Warnings : mentions of selfharm & ED

HC s/o with an ED and Self harms 

Yamaguchi

alright ... so ....... you stayed over at his the night

You two made dinner and it was all prefect

You quickly went to the bathroom afterwards tho

Then you came back and helped him cleaning up the dishes

He was joking around and you laugh and push up your sleeves and start cleaning

Yams suddenly stops laughing and just stares at you

“Yams? what's -” you stop and realise what you just did

Today was such a good day, you totally forgot about your breakdown last night, after failing to do any of the things you were supposed to do that day and stepping on the scale realising you gained weight.

“ I- I - can... Can we just forget you saw this?” you stutter and pull down your selves again 

Obviously he won't just forget it

he gently takes one of your hands and leads you to the living room and sits down on the couch with you

“Why?” he whispers 

you just stare at him, unsure if you can tell him the real reason 

after a few minutes of silence you begin to talk 

you tell him everything 

the second you start talking you can’t stop 

the words spill out of your mouth, happy that you can finally get all those toxic thoughts out of your head 

Tears start streaming down your face while you tell him you’re feeling not good enough, like a failure, like you're trying to loose weight and developed an ed, yet you’re still to stupid to loose any weight etc so you just feel like you have to ... like punish yourself? 

Yams listens to you carefully and with every word his eyes get more and more glassy 

after you finished talking, he pulls you into the tightest hug ever

“baby... why haven't you told me, I'm always here for you, you shouldn't deal with all of this alone” 

sooo you stay in this position for a little longer, you both trying to calm down and stop crying

“Now... let me tell you - I will keep on telling you this over and over again, every single day of my life if I have to - you are enough, you are perfect in my eyes, you don’t have to loose any weight, but if you want to, then do it in a healthy way... I willing to help you in any way possible.” He takes your hands and moves them up to his face, kissing your knuckles

the rest of the night, you cuddle, him trying to confound every toxic thought you have 

he also gifts you a soft hair tie and makes you promise him, that you would use this, instead of hurting yourself 

his phone is also from now on not silent anymore in case you need someone to talk to at night 

the next weeks, he’s getting up earlier, making you some healthy, low calorie lunch so you don’t have to feel pressured to eat in the cafeteria and feel the need to throw up again afterwards. He’ll also tries to increase the cals, every other week. 

Oikawa 

He probably realises that something is up, the second his stupid ass walks into the bathroom when you just got out of the shower

It’s winter so you always wore sweatshirts and those cute wide leg pants

also you haven't been feeling good the past weeks, so there wasn't really a chance for Oikawa to see you in tight clothing or well ... no clothing at all. 

so when he saw you for this small second just now, his heart drops 

he just stands there shocked, tears already running down his face, not moving a muscle 

“Y/N...  I - since when - Why - I- “ he stutters not able to find the right words 

You stood still, towel in your hands, shocked expression on your face 

this is like your worst nightmare, he shouldn't see this, at least not now, not like this 

“Tooru, I can explain...” you stutter and look down at the ground 

“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to ... I just.. can I hold you?” He whispers in between small snobs 

you nod and he takes a set forward, carefully placing his arms around you, now afraid he could hurt you or break you 

He doesn't feel your soft curves anymore, his fingers are now met with the little bumps of your rips 

You hide your face in his neck and start crying 

the snobs make your body shake, which made him feel your bones move under his hands - which results in him crying even more 

“You’re just so perfect and I'm just me... all those beautiful girls who fall for you, with their skinny legs and waist, looking so delicate... I didn’t want you to be ashamed of me...” 

how couldn’t he notice? WHY haven't he? HE could NEVER be ashamed of you NEVER 

WHY was he so busy with Volleyball? he should have noticed that you weren't eating.. but he always thought you’ve eaten before... 

after you calmed down, he takes the towel and helps you getting dry, his eyes always stuck to small red lines on your legs, right under your hips

he walks over to where you kept your medics and all the first aid stuff and started treating your wounds 

He takes off his hoodie and puts it over your head and picks you up bridal style, carrying you to the bed 

He puts you down and quickly hurries to the kitchen and makes some tea for you 

You’re now seated in between his legs, your back resting on his chest while his arms are wrapped around you, rocking you from side to side, while you two watch some Disney movies 

after you finally fall asleep he takes out his phone and reads all the articles on the internet about self harming and ed’s. 

He makes a note on his phone where he writes down all the things he could do to help you, and all the little signs so he knew when one of your conditions gets worse again 

he makes sure that from now on, you two eat at least one meal together

he’s always encouraging you, if you feel like not eating, he begs you to at least eat one small bite, if you feel like eating the whole salad, girl, he’s hyping you up so much 

he sees that you gained some weight? 

omg be prepared for a full week of him praising you of how beautiful you are, hyping you up, etc 

and GODDD IF YOU NEED NEW CLOTHES BECAUSE YOUR OLD ONES DON’T FIT ANYMORE SINCE YOU GAINED WEIGHT 

he is spoiling you to the Max 

he is willing to fly you to London, Paris, La, etc so you get the best clothes available 

some small things he also do is : form that one night on, every day, he sends you a voice note of him telling you how amazing you are, how much he loves you, and lists at least 10 things why he loves you and why he’s proud of you - so from now on, before you grab that one small blade, you listen to this voice note and if that doesn't help, you only need to text him  🆘  and he’s already faceting you, dropping everything he was doing and getting to your house asap

also he’s probably trying to get you into working out with him, so he can control that you don’t overwork yourself and helps you gaining more muscles again and tells you about the benefits of weight lifting, since muscles burn calories while doing nothing at all, YET they need top be feed to remain 

[5-falsehoods-phonated]

March Ado About Nothing

Series Summary - A series of one-shots and  drabbles written based off of prompts posted in the TSS Fanworks Collective server. The goal is to take traditional whump prompts and fill them in the least-angsty way possible every day through March.

A note that though some of these fills are written bait and switch style (written in a way you think is going in one direction but reveals it to be the opposite towards the end) they are all written in a fluffy or silly style with very little, if any at all, actual angst.

Day 14: Keep Them Safe

Summary: Virgil has three amazing kids he swears to keep safe. Remus often tests his limits.

Prompts: "Pick Who DIes”, *Manhandled*, Defiance

Ships: Familial Dad Virgil with kids Patton, Roman and Remus

Warnings: brief panic, food mention. Let me know if there are more!

General taglist (ask to be added or removed): @janus-is-an-adorable-snek-boi  @im-an-anxious-wreck  @logans-library (If you have asked to be tagged, please reblog)

WC: 1197

As a parent, Virgil had sworn to never let any harm come to any child that may come into his care. He figured having anxiety would help with this since it usually kept him almost annoyingly vigilant towards any threat, potential or not, that may be in the surrounding area at any given time. He considered himself to be rather good at it, especially after raising Patton for a number of years and having nothing traumatic or even bad happen to him at that time. He still had all his limbs, no scarring- mental or physical- and he was generally just a happy go lucky kid as it was and Virgil found he barely had to raise him at, mostly just be there for support and thank whatever gods were around every day that the kid never did anything punishment worthy because Virgil honestly doubted he’d ever have the strength to so much as put him in the corner.

The most Patton had ever done, as far as Virgil was aware and he was inclined to believe, was to steal a second cookie after dinner. The most he had gotten was Virgil asking him if he knew he could just ask and there would be no judgement cast for waiting extra of anything; that the only time he would be denied is if the request for food or otherwise was truly unreasonable or it would be dinner soon and he’d be given a light healthy option instead to tide him over. Since then the ritual had been two cookies after dinner if that was what desert was and honestly they were both very happy with the new development. By any parental standards, Patton was a good child- kind and sweet and Virgil was proud of him for how hard he studied even if he did have to pry him away sometimes to get him to take a break.

But Virgil had three sons, and he loved the other two with all his heart and was just as proud of them as he was of Patton. That being said- they were not as easy to raise as him.

Roman and Remus were twins and that was exactly where their similarities stopped. Roman was a reasonably quiet child, content with creating his own worlds and being immersed with them until he wanted attention- and you always knew when he wanted attention. He liked dressing up and singing in the halls and decorating cookies with him and Patton. He got along well with the older sibling and played nice even if he didn’t always understand all of Patton’s quirks and hang ups. He was decently behaved and Virgil loved him very much. He loved him as much as he loved Patton and as much as he loved Remus. What he didn’t always love was how scrappy Remus could be.

Well behaved in his own right Remus just did things- oddly. Normal everyday tasks were done but just slightly to the left. Who was Virgil to complain if he still got dishes done but stacked them in increasingly creative ways that would make his heart take a rain check if all their dishware wasn’t plastic? And as long as he hosed off before stepping in the house why would he deny him the joy of burying himself in mud like sand at the beach? And why on earth would Virgil ever yell at him for making a Rube Goldberg machine to feed the fish even if it did make fart noises every time the ball fell to set off another reaction? He was loud and eccentric and springy in the way he did things, but none of that was punishable. He sometimes made Patton nervous with the ideas he spewed thoughtlessly from his mouth with nary a filter to be had but after Virgil talked to him about it he took to coming to him instead and that was just fine.

Virgil considered himself to be a decent parent overall, with wonderful kids that he kept as safe and happy as he could. He had sworn no harm would come to any child to ever find themselves in his care- which was why, as he came out of his reminiscing and chanced a look up at the jungle gym where he knew they liked to play, he very nearly passed out from the adrenaline rush that shoved him off the bench and towards the mess of bars so quickly he would swear he teleported.

“Remus Antony Adrews get your feet on the ground right now!”

Remus for his part, had the presence of mind to look at least a little bit sheepish, balanced only on the balls of his feet while crouched on the highest section of the jungle gym with his hands dangling in front of him. Grinning he waved and shifted just a bit, making Virgil’s poor chest constrict with fright. “I’m fine Dad! Look!”

And then he stood up.

Now, Virgil was no child, at six foot two his head was level with the third quarter of the playset. So it was nothing for him to step up two feet with the bottom rung, catch Remus’ waist with one arm and swing him around to land solidly on his shoulder and step down to safety in one fluid motion. The eight year old’s protests were ignored as he was manhandled to his good shoulder, carrying him all the way over to the bench where he was promptly sat on his lap and secured in his arms. 

“Daaa-aaad!”

“Absolutely not. You are a wild child that must be contained and I will keep you here in a hug where I know you aren’t on the ground with your head cracked open until I stop panicking.”

Remus was silent for a minute, watching Patton and Roman climb around oblivious to what had just happened, too caught up in whatever game they were playing to notice Remus kicking his feet in irritation a few feet away.

“Like an egg?”

“What?”

“Cracked open just like an egg?” Remus clarified.

Scrunching his face at the image provided Virgil only hugged him tighter before sighing into his curly hair. “Yes, Remus. Like an egg. So please don’t do that again okay?”

Remus nodded sagely. “I’ll bury myself in the chips next  time.”

“What no, why would you bury yourself in the chips?”

“I was gonna leap down on them from on top but I’ll just trap their legs!” Carefully smoothing his horrified expression Virgil set his son down in front of him.

“No heights and no chips. How bout you hide behind the turtle instead?” Virgil pointed to the giant plastic turtle tunnel a little ways away from them. “They might expect you to be underneath them because that’s what you did last week- and don’t use that as an excuse to get up high. Running from somewhere not very hidden will throw them off since they expect you to hide well.”

“Oh! Okay!” And with that he was off, leaving Virgil exhausted and wary. He would always swear to keep his kids safe, but Remus could really test the limits of parental instincts.

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[nikkigrand]

There’s no easy way to say this, but I’m abandoning all of my works. Everything.

This post is going to be long, honest, triggering and deeply personal. So for those who don’t want to read through all of my bullshit, the gist is that I’m not emotionally or mentally capable of writing anymore.

TW ARE IN PLACE.

If you’ve followed me for a while, then you know that my boyfriend was killed in Afghanistan last year. Since then, my life has been a breathless decline into self destruction. I didn’t know—I still don’t know—how to recover from happily waiting for his return to painfully knowing he never will. I swear that some days I feel like he’s still out there and some day he’ll come home and this will all be just a bad dream. I want to wake up to a reality where he steps off that plane and into my arms, where I don’t keep a crumpled old t shirt that smells more of me than him under my pillow, where the shock of hearing certain songs doesn’t make me throw up. A reality where I don’t have to sit in front of his ashes every time I visit his mother and look at his singed necklace around her neck.

I wanted nothing more than to wake up. Just wake the fuck up and feel alive again because for so long I had felt this choking pain and grief and misery and then nothing.

Everything became an escape, something to fill that void in me. I tried all the healthy things. I ate, I worked out, I ran. I talked to people about how I felt and reached out, but nothing helped. I volunteered, i planted trees and flowers, I channeled my grief into kindness. I tried to take all this pain and turn it into something beautiful, and still I felt nothing. I was falling falling falling into this black pit and was reaching for anything to keep me from hitting the bottom.

So I started chasing highs. The standard shit at first. I drank so much alcohol that I’d wake up in bushes with my friends, limbs tangled in ways that left me sore and stinging for days because who the hell passes out in a Rose bush?

At first, drinking was fucking hell, because no matter how much I drank I’d always end up with my head cradled in the palms of my hands, fingers digging into my scalp as I screamed and wailed and asked why why why why when he was so close to coming home and why was life so goddamn mean??? I’d be in bar bathrooms, just curled in the corner and sobbing like a dramatic princess until my friends carried me out. This happened about a dozen times before it just stopped, because I figured I wasn’t drinking enough if I could remember everything.

So I drank more and more and more and then I realized that it wasn’t making me feel better, it wasn’t doing anything for me.

So I started smoking. Just weed, you know. Nothing too crazy at the time. But all that did was make me hyper-fixate on all of my failures and short comings. It made me hate myself so viscerally, so deeply that I wondered if this is who I truly am at my core. A mean bitch who drinks, smokes, parties. A maneater who fucks these poor kind hearted men to fill that hole her dead man left inside her and still finds herself cold and numb after because it’s not enough. It’s never enough.

I’m sure you know where this is going. But I hated myself. I’m a beautiful girl, I’m not blind, and yet I found myself to be so fucking ugly. So fucking ugly and grey and all I wanted—all I needed—was something to breathe life into me the way life itself did before.

I just wanted to feel happy and normal. Only for a little while. That need was so encompassing it would grip my insides and I’d cry from how much I wanted it, how much I had convinced myself I needed it. It was all I fucking wanted.

So the bumps came. And then the lines. And then whole baggies to myself. And it felt amazing, it was wonderful. The world was alive, things were different. I had more energy, more life in me than I had in months. Then the other type of lines came and it made me feel like I was floating away. There was no pain, no misery, no death hanging over my shoulder to remind me that the strength of your love can’t make people stay.

But soon, that too wasn’t enough. Like every other thing, I felt there was something better, something that could make me feel more. So here is where I tell you about all the pills I popped, all the different colored presses and how each one pulled me out of that hole I was falling into and deposited me above the ground —much higher than I could have ever dreamed of—and filled my grey world with beautiful gorgeous colors.

Then I can tell you about all the tabs I let dissolve on my tongue, or fully swallowed out of impatience, all of the lines of ketamine I combined with ecstasy and acid in one night. The things I saw, the way I felt—it took me far from this dismal life and was addicting. I was chasing something every weekend until it became every other day, chasing some feeling I still can’t name, and I knew that it was ruining me.

My grief and my drugs were killing me, and I knew it. With every cotton mouth, every clenched jaw, every pounding headache, I fucking knew and didn’t care. I’d look at my friends faces and I knew, I knew they loved me and would be devastated if they knew what I was doing, and I still didn’t care. What was life if it felt this empty?

My grades dropped, i turned down a contracting job I wanted for years, I spent all my money on psychedelics and stimulants, and it had gotten to a point where I’d pop a pill while sitting at home just because I didn’t want to be sober and didn’t want to think about how fucked up my life was becoming.

Then one day I was at a concert, high in the clouds with a joint settled comfortably between my lips and frizzy hair piled messily atop my head, when I saw a girl get carried out the venue by medics. She was probably a few years younger than I am, and i remember looking at her face impassively as they pushed through the crowd with her body thrown over this bear of a man’s shoulder as if in slow motion. She was pale and foaming at the mouth, with her arms dangling limply down his back, and she looked dead—she was dead. I knew in that same way you know that the sky is blue when the sun is up, I just knew.

And in that moment—those few seconds it took me to acknowledge that she had most likely overdosed and died—this intense yearning shot through me, so strong that I felt it in the crooks of my fucking elbows, like I wanted to embrace whatever the fuck it was that I desired to live inside me, and this voice cried out, “I wish that were me.”

And you know what, I didn’t even know I had spoken until the guy next to me shoved me in the shoulder and said, “no you don’t.”

And that terrified me. I remember dropping the joint, fumbling it in my shaking fingers, burning myself on the lit end, before handing it off to that same random guy and running off to get some air.

I’m not stupid and I’m not blind. I know I’m depressed, I know I’ve got issues, but I had never said something so suicidal out loud up until that point. I’ve never vocally wished for death and even as I sat there, as I looked out at the people outside the venue huddled together doing whip it’s and killing brain cells, I still wanted to be that poor dead girl on that man’s shoulders.

That was it for me. I remember calling an Uber home on the spot and taking everything I had and flushing it. Im not going to sit here and lie to you and tell you that it was easy. I had convinced myself that I needed these things to make me happy, and i don’t know if I can ever see life the same way after them. The feelings you get off these things are otherworldly, it’s so damn good, but they come at a price. You dont feel the same way you did before you took them, and you never will. You’ll never be who you were before that high, but you can almost convince yourself that it’s worth it. So it was pretty damn hard to take my neon presses, my rocks. my capsules, my bud and my tabs, and flush them down the toilet.

Almost immediately after I did it, I cried. Mostly because i had flushed hundreds of dollars down the fucking toilet, but also because I had become that girl in those cheesy college movies. You know the one, the one where the party girl gets addicted to drugs and goes on a bender and her whole life is just one big goddamn tragedy that won’t end. I hate those fucking movies and I, for the life of me, could not believe I was that girl.

I had been military, straight laced with a good head on my shoulders and a hard worker. I was smart, respected, the girl everyone wanted to bring home to mom. And now I was a hot mess crying in my bathroom because I had just flushed my addiction down the shitter.

Now I’m just home, trying to gather the pieces of myself in a way that doesn’t cause long term damage when I’ve yet to hit my 27th birthday.

I still go out with my friends. They know nothing about what I’ve done because I’ve always gone out and done things alone. This is the first time I’ve ever spilled my guts.

So where does FanFiction come into play in all this. Well, it’s simple, really, if you’ve gotten to this point and picked out all the mistakes in grammar. My brain is so fucked up that I can barely write a passable 3 page essay. I can’t remember words, much less how to string them together to form something beautiful in the way I used to. Trust me, it kills me and I’ve agonized over it for hours. I once tried to take this amazing idea I had and put it to paper but it would just not flow. Nothing made sense. Where before writing was effortless and focused, now my brain could barely concentrate on forming a sentence that didn’t sound like gibberish.

My attention span is so short that I literally have to isolate myself with no internet and my textbooks to get work done. It’s so bad that I have anxiety and panic attacks about the fact that I feel like a whole dumbass with one brain cell, where before I was proud of my intelligence and could hold decent conversation.

I’m still pretty, as if that fucking matters, but now I’ve got a stutter and can’t hold eye contact because my paranoia makes me think they’re judging me. And let me tell you, I’m so fucking pissed about that because I know it’s just my fried brain thinking these things, and there’s no one to blame but myself.

And I still feel empty and numb. How can I write about love and human emotions when I don’t feel anything? How can I write about looking at someone and loving them when the memory of love faded like my lover’s ashes in the wind? I just can’t.

I know love as it whispers against my skin with each interaction between me, friends, even other men, and yet I look at them and feel absolutely nothing.

So Yeah, I can’t write my stories if I can’t get my brain or my heart to work.

I’m really sorry to all my loyal readers. I really am. I wish I had been stronger. Thank you for all of your support throughout the years.

Don’t do drugs.

[monstaxeurope]

HYUNGWON:  ATSTAR1  INTERVIEW

WARM HYUNGWON

The faint smile over a compliment makes him more adorable than the experience and skillfulness of someone, who debuted 6 years ago. Hyungwon and his warm smile, that make the cold winter wind go away, are back, meeting us for the 3rd time already. Monsta X, who showed us broader outlook on the world with the release of <FANTASIA X> in May of 2020, came back with an even more mature image with the release of their 3rd full album <FATAL LOVE> in November of 2020. Especially ‘Nobody else’, one of the songs on the album composed by Hyungwon, is a sophisticated pop song, which perfectly shows his musical growth. 

Besides the group promotions, his participation as a DJ in many festivals and continuous music activities are nicely reflected in the 3 minute and 3 seconds long song. We met with kind and warm Hyungwon, who will show us an even wider music spectrum in the future, prioritizing Monsta X over individual activities even after years of piled up experience. 

Not sure if it's because we filmed with products you use in your daily life, but I think we got a lot of natural expressions on tape.

HW: I had dry lips since I was young. That's why I use Burt's Bees Lip Balm in my daily life too. I'm glad that we could film this together. I also find it fascinating(laugh). 

Congratulations on your comeback. Since it's a full album you must have spend a lot of time on it, please recommend one of the songs you like the most. 

HW: Personally, I want to point out ‘Sorry I'm not sorry’. It was nice we could let people listen to a calm and comfortable song after showing strong and performance-focused stages all the time. It's a song that once again proved how well our voices match with a song like this too, so I really like it. 

What would you say is the killing point of ‘Love Killa’?

HW: Every part has a killing point. Should I say the members' restrained sexiness? In my opinion the killing point might be how we're all covered but the overall vibe of the song has a sexy feeling. 

You released your 3rd full album <FATAL LOVE> and your self-composed song is included for the first time. What kind of song is ‘Nobody Else’?

HW: The topic of the song is ‘perfume’. When you first spray a perfume there's a strong fragrance but it gets weaker over time. I compared the fading scent of a perfume to love. Actually, love wasn't the only message I was trying to convey, I wanted to include wider meanings, like relationships between people or relationship between a fan and a singer. It's the same in human relationships, you naturally become distant with time. But I didn't want that to happen to me. So I wrote this song with ‘I wish the strong fragrance from the start stays the same all the time’ in mind. 

Different from the EDM you did before, you presented pop this time. Was there anything new you learned while composing?

HW: I tried different things and really thought about it a lot. And that's how I naturally broadened my knowledge on different genres. I worried a lot about how to write the lyrics so my sincerity will get conveyed perfectly. I listened to a lot of foreign songs and did a lot of studying on melody and lyrics writing. 

Was 'Nobody Else' written exclusively for this album?

HW: It's a song that was in the making since our last album 'FANTASIA X'. But at the time I didn't like the song as much yet, so we couldn't include it in the album. We put it on the tracklist now after making changes and fixing it a bit. It was my first time writing a song for our members, so I felt like I will regret releasing it, if I'm not completely satisfied with it. So I didn't want to release it until I got to the point "this is it". That's why it took longer. 

Did you ask your members for advice?

HW: I often let them listen to the song. Rather than just appearing in front of them with "ta-dah!" I wanted to get a lot of feedback from them first, since it's a song we were all gonna sing together. I looked for advice from IM and Joohoney a lot because they also write songs. As for Minhyuk, Shownu and Kihyun, I asked them to give me feedback from a singer's point of view. 

It must have felt fresh including your song, that all the members sang, in the album.

HW: I thought about which member will sing which part since the very beginning. Sure enough, they really pulled it off as they started singing. So I was even more satisfied. 

Do you feel like the song was completed according to the plan you had in mind from the beginning?

HW: Of course. I'm satisfied. I have no regrets because they expressed the song just as I imagined it. 

In the past interview you said you compose in your free time. When you listen to a song do you focus more on the melody and genre than on the lyrics?  

HW: Everything is important. No matter how good the melody is, if the lyrics are bad, there's no charm. Same if it's the opposite. That's why I kept modifying both the lyrics and the melody. But if I have to choose one, I concentrate on the melody just a little bit more. 

It's interesting how you chose perfume as main subject of your song. 

HW: It's easier to write a song if there's a certain topic. If you just try writing it without it, it's like beating your head against the wall. It was hard lyrics-wise too. While thinking how to start, this perfume characteristic popped up in my mind. I thought about the feelings I get when I meet someone and how I treat them. After choosing this as my topic, I explained my feelings to IM. He took my explanation and wrote a well-fitting rap out of it. I was so thankful. If it wasn't for IM's rap, I think my feelings wouldn't have been conveyed perfectly and I probably wouldn't  be this satisfied. As for the rap part, it felt complete right away. 

You must have felt proud when the subject suddenly popped up in your mind.

HW: 'Ah, this is it' was my first thought. Haha. For example, I'm sitting on a chair for 5 hours straight trying to plan out a song. After the subject pops up, it's a smooth ride, it's easier to collect my thoughts and time passes by quickly too. There's this feeling of joy when it starts going smoothly and all of a sudden those 5 hours of just sitting down, waiting for THE moment, are worth it. 

Do you think you and the members have improved in anything with the release of 3rd full album?

HW: Yes, and I feel more attached to this album since I wrote one of the songs by myself. Our members' opinions are reflected in the album a lot, so I feel thankful for that too. It's the reason I feel proud and really confident about this album. This is where I feel we've made improvements. 

Your MBTI(Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) is INFP. This type's characteristics are a passionate mediator, introvert and a romantic (person) with strong beliefs. Does that apply to you?

HW: I think it's right. I'm INFP's prototype. Haha. I got goosebumps, really. If you look at INFP examples' tendencies, it all sounds like me. I can really relate to it. 

Do you have your own belief? 

HW: I have my own line. If only you don't cross it, I can understand and forgive anything. But if you go over the line, it's really hard for me to tolerate it. There are parts others might not understand because I have my own criteria (laugh). Of course, I'm trying to find some sort of middle ground now. 

There are different types of MBTI in Monsta X. After spending time together you naturally become similar and it's probably easier to understand each other. 

HW: That's right. Each member has their own characteristics and after living together you start to resemble one another. I'm a total opposite of Minhyuk and Joohoney, especially with Minhyuk, but we have been together for so long that I came to understand him. I think Minhyuk would say the same, we naturally compromise as we go. 

You release self-composed songs and do tons of photo shoots, I feel like you're constantly building up your capabilities. Are there any activities in the entertainment industry that you haven't tried yet but you want to?

HW: I want to continue writing songs and DJ. I'm more greedy about work than you would've thought. Haha. I really want to go to <A Fisherman and the City> on Channel A. I went fishing a couple of times before and had so much fun, it was a healing time for me. Time passed so fast, I came back after looking at the bait for 10 hours straight. Oh, and one time my fishing rod broke and when people near me saw me fishing, they cheered me on and gave me advice too. The whole situation of them cheering me on reminded me of world cup so I really liked it. Because of this memory I want to go fishing again. 

You got picked as the team's visual by Monsta X members and by monbebe. Do you have a specific routine to take care of your appearance?

HW: I didn't really have a routine in the past but I recently realized I have to do something, so I started working out. I followed IM's steps and started working out and people around me already tell me I look healthier. (How long has it been since you started?) It has only been around a month. Haha. I'll try to do it consistently. My goal is not to build muscles, but to try doing it for my health. I need to be healthy to dance and sing for a long time. I'm most thankful to IM. I was able to bravely start working out because he was sincerely concerned for my health and cheered me on. 

Monsta X established a strong position in music industry as beast idols, but what kind of artist do you personally want to become? 

HW: As I've been saying for this whole year, of course it's also important to be successful, to get the best results everywhere, but I want to become a singer, who can see his fans for a long time. I want to release music consistently too. But, more than solo, I want to promote with my team for a long time. 

As years in this industry pile up you probably think and worry about the future more and more. 

HW: I rather get these thoughts and our members probably think the same. We're all passionate and greedy when it comes to music, but as you know, our society nowadays is centered around results. Everything we do is recorded somewhere. There are times we get discouraged and we almost lose our enthusiasm, but Monsta X members overcome situations like that and start working harder. And as time passes we realize it was actually not a big deal for us. I feel like I can't even take good care of all the people who love me now. Of course, I'd be more thankful if we received more love. 

Is there a goal you want to accomplish within next year?

HW: I really want to hold a concert. We also want to go on a tour with members. We released a lot of new songs and we're ready to perform them. So we feel kinda regretful, our lastest release 'Love Killa' is one of the stages we wanted to show our fans live, they would've loved and enjoyed it. I hope to stand in front of an audience again, because our team synergy gets better when we have people watch our stage live. 

I heard you're an expert on acrostic poems, would it be possible to get one for @star1(앳스타일)? 

HW: (앳): @star1 is really nice

(스): I feel like I became a star

(타): Invite the rest of the members too

(일): They are friends, who really like working. Haha.

atstar1magazine | Scan Reference Translation KR-ENG: Monsta X Europe

#translation #t:interview #t:magazine #pm:shownu #shownu #t:article

[kinktae]

kinktae? i think you meant the sweetest & loveliest person ever 🥺💞💓

Anonymous said: rose deserves all the love and more rt if you agree 🤠

(warning: oodles of precious and dear anons under the cut)

yooniversus said: i faqing luv u (hehe get it) 💕💕💕🥺💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕🥺💕❤️💫💕💫💜💕💜💕💜💕💕💜💕💜💜💜💜 ok soddy i was just bored 

Anonymous said: i dont usually interact with fic writers but ur work is out of this world!!!!! the way you write dialogue makes it seem casual and natural flowing like how you would talk to a friend :)) connecting to the main character has never been a challenge for me, but with your writing its like i am the character instead of just some reader. i hope that you never stop writing as long as it brings you joy, and that this message makes you smile (even just a lil' bit) luv u!!

worldclasscassy said: i am so geeked over ur writing 🥰🥺

Anonymous said: uwu punch me daddy

Anonymous said: ur deada$$ one of the best writers on here, i don’t make the rules sis 🙈

into1995 said: heelo! sending all my love! 🥰 you have such a beautiful soul, please take care! we are here for you always. 💕

dejayoon said: take your time lovey! you deserve a break💜

Anonymous said: imagine waking up every day knowing ur rose...PHEW!! wish i could be that lucky 😪😪

lovesic-eunoia said: hey, sweetie. i know your anxiety has been making you feel like crAP and i'm here to tell you that it really does get better❤️, there's always gonna things that make you wanna quit trying to get better, but don't give up. anxiety doesn't rule your life, you do. i wish you the best through all of the ups and downs. you're a precious piece of life. much love ❤️❤️

Anonymous said: I love you

Anonymous said: saw u on my dash and my heart went lub dub

Anonymous said: I hope you take some time to yourself and enjoy hiatus! We love you!

evilkookie said: Your health is way more important than anything!! I wish only good and positive things for you and you feel better, take as long as you need for your Hiatus 💝💝

Anonymous said: I dont know if I'm late but take care of yourself bby! Health always comes first and I hope you'll be enjoying your time outside of tumblr! Will miss you but love you so much bby! -Bunny

miss-peys said: Hope all is well! I myself had to take a step back from school because my mental health was terrible! Hope everything is going okay in your personal life! Can’t wait for you to come back to tumblr, but please come back when YOU feel ready not because others want you to come back! Sending positive vibes your way! Can’t wait for you come back💜💜💜💜

Anonymous said: Rose my darling dearest I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and I hope you’re doing well 💜💫☁️

Anonymous said: hi jared ilu xoxoxo

Anonymous said: I love u and I hope ur taking care of yourself and staying hydrated!!

googie-kook said: How are you doing lovely? Miss you loads and hope you’re feeling better! Love from London! 🇬🇧 💓💓💓💓💓

Anonymous said: hi bby! im just coming in to tell you i love you! and you are loved!! and i hope youre taking good care of yourself and doing all those good things to keep yourself happy and healthy!! and im super excited for your spooky fic soon! sending you nothing but the best !!!❤❤❤

Anonymous said: i’m really happy that you’re taking a mental break from social media(tumblr). i had to do that a couple days ago and it really helps. anyways hope you get better and you take time to heal yourself. i love youuuuu🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

Anonymous said: Ur meat is huge, keep going.

Anonymous said: how are you being doing rose? hope you're well

hyzzzan said: I'm glad you're still here 🥰💜

Anonymous said: You are so good and such a cute human bean oof (are we still saying ‘oof’?) it’s really frustrating cause I can’t make u feel the intensity with which I mean it. You are so so so so good, your stories just hit different. Like next level shit. Your characters, stories, yo skills I swear if only I was half as good as you are at writing maybe I would be able to make u feel the intensity of my feelings.. I hope writing these masterpieces brings you as much joy as reading them does to me💕💕

Anonymous said: Your stories are soooo good! I am in love with them.

Anonymous said: I MISSED YOU. seeing the "hiatus" taken off your blog just made me so happy. I hope you're good 🖤 happy Halloween 🦇

Anonymous said: I'm rereading all your fics and I keep falling in love with your writing. Thank you for quality content. Also, I hope you're doing good!

Anonymous said: Hi love! I'm so so sooooooo happy you're back! Hope you had a great break and noe you're feeling better. But take your time with writing, exams come first. I still can't wait to read your new stuff tho! (On a side note, we already talked in private but I'm still shy, sorry) ♥️♥️

Anonymous said: Hi omg are you back?? I missed you 🥺

Anonymous said: rose ur writing is insanely good and whenever im having a ton of anxiety i read ur writing to calm me down so tysm for being the best ever

lorengarcia-yut

said: You're BACK! I'm so happy you're back! I really hope you are feeling good and happy. Just wanted to send you a lil welcome back message with a little love

monohoed said: Hey, hope you been feeling better? I love everything you’ve written so far and just wanted to let you know! I’ve struggled w mental health myself and I empathise ♥️♥️

sydney--chan said: I fr think I might die when you post a fic again like no cap ive missed you and your writing so mUCH🥺🥺🥺

Anonymous said: so heyyy idk how to say it buttt ily~~ ★☆~

Anonymous said: hihi rose ilu sm and i hope ur doing well, pls take care of urself bb 🥺🥺💜

Anonymous said: .........you are like so beautiful

Anonymous said: HEY IM WUV U AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!! 💕💕 I love all your work and I hope the best for you!!!

Anonymous said: ummm ma’am??? you are so beautiful and I am so gay??????

Anonymous said: I followed you on twitter and you are pretty, funny, kind, and creative. Biggest friend crush uwu

Anonymous said: Omg you should be a model. You're so gorgeous, I'm jealous. If I ever met you in real life, my self-esteem will go down. But I love you too much girl 💕

mazeyoongi said: i haven't had much time or interest in reading fics lately because i am so busy between work & college, but every time you post a new story i HAVE to read it. no natter how busy i am or what is going on, i always read your new fics. they are ALWAYS so so so amazing and you manage to keep my interest from beginning to end no matter who or what it may be based on. thank you for giving us such wonderful work. you're amazing! 💓

Anonymous said: You're so pretty I- TAKE MY HEART PLIS I MIGHT JUST MAKE A TWITTER ACCOUNT FOR YOU 🥺🥺😩😩 -Bunny

Anonymous said: wtf the twitter video, jeezus you are freaking stunning

Anonymous said: you‘re so pretty lemme suck your dick, it‘s only fair

Anonymous said: low key your facial structure is like perfect?? i'm kinda jealous?? luv u b

charlie-hatsune said: JUST FOLLOWED YOUR TWITTER AND YOU'RE SUPER PRETTY!!!

dazedaurora said: okay but like how tf is everyone around here so pretty?! you're an absolute doll 💖

i-want-to-bite-your-head-off said: I haven't been on here in a WHILE but hi hope you're doing well and ily uwu

sapphireprinces5 said: Hello!! I just wanted you to know I really love all (and I mean ALL) of your stories. I really want to be a better reader for all of you amazing writers who share their art with us. With so many authors leaving, I really want to do my part better! So, you will definitely see more from me when you update!! Excited to see what you have in store for us ❤️

Anonymous said: Omg hi lovely!!! I just wanted to tell u that you are a precious human being and I hope u know that

ktgguk said: uwu I hope you had a lovely day, don’t forget to drink plenty of water 🧸💗 keep being amazing at what you do!!!

Anonymous said: You’re so consistent through your work and everything you write is a phenomenal masterpiece! I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how do you manage to always get such a high word count per chapter. That probably sounds so dumb and I’m sorry if this wastes your time.

Anonymous said: I LOVE U SO MUCH THANK U FOR ALL UR HARD WORK IN UR WRITING AAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

justaregularcrazyfangirl said: So, hm... It's not an ask but i just read what you said about my little review and i just wanted to say that you managed to make me blush 😆 (urgh i'm not used to do this and it shows !) Anyways, i'm happy you found my review interesting 💜 I hope you have a nice day ~ "You nice, keep going" ! (And that's my cue to go and hide somewhere !)

Anonymous said: you're an amazing writer!!!

Anonymous said: pls rose u deserve ALL the love in this universe

Anonymous said: Ma’am!! We are your friends!!! That post was SO CUTE!!! Love U!! My heart is full of love and appreciation for your cute self

Anonymous said: I love you

Anonymous said: i love your stories for one, always have ever since I found you 🥺 you give me most of my inspiration to write and let my creativity flow but it’s so dang hard actually putting the words I want on the pAGE BENDK

Anonymous said: Do you ever read your own fics and be like "Damnnn I'm good"

Anonymous said: Oh are you sick 😥 Get well soon 💜

Anonymous said: Omg you speak French too?!! Is there anything you can’t do?!?! You’re such a smart girl 😭🤧💕

Anonymous said: I think you’re really cool and I wish I could be your friend. ❤️

Anonymous said: 💜💜💜 Hey love, idk if you've already deleted the app or it'll get barried in the inevitable avalanche of asks you're about to receive but I hope you can feel the love I'm sending your way nonetheless. You're my favorite writer and there's so question, i'll be here when you get back. Take as much time as you need and I'm very proud of you for taking the necessary steps to get better. That alone takes strength. I wish you the best of luck. -🌻

Anonymous said: Life is a pendulum between your fics and your ficsrec

Anonymous said: just wanted to slide in here to say i dont really like smutty stories, but damn yours be hittin different and im obsessed, so thank u for sharing ur work with us 🥰🥰

Anonymous said: hi! i’m a reader of your work and well, I completely understand where you’re coming from. exactly. 100%. so you take your time and love yourself like you know you deserve to. I support you!

bugznot said: whenever you decide to come back we’ll be ready with open arms. remember you are powerful but you can only take so much. breaks are necessary and important and i hope you are kind to yourself in this time

Anonymous said: Leaving this message for when you’ll come back: I hope you finally start to love yourself back, you take chances cause you believe in yourself and your abilities, you leap blindly because you have faith in yourself and you know where you stand. I hope you have learnt to love yourself, to demand more of others and you for yourself, because you are worth it. I hope you come back, rejuvenated and free of all those schemes that bring you down. Love you 💕

Anonymous said: Saw your most recent post and wanted to say that I hope you feel better soon. I understand how tough it is when it feels like you’re living a lie, but not to minimize your experience, I’m sure it’ll pass and you’ll feel more comfortable with yourself. We all love you here and are patiently awaiting your return. If you celebrate it, happy holidays! Hopefully it won’t be stressful for you and you get some time to relax! 💕

Anonymous said: take as much time as you need & don’t feel like you HAVE to write just because there are people waiting for updates. your real life & health always comes first but pls know that we’ll be here for you & only want the best for you. We’ll be patiently waiting for you & understand your struggles (or at least I do 🙃). pls keep your friends around you, stay in good surroundings with positive vibes & take care of yourself (& your dog aw). sending all the love to you!!!

peachishiz said: Hey Rose my love Dw u don’t gotta answer just popping in to say I love u so much and I hope ur doing good and stuff 🌸💕

Anonymous said: hi bby, i just wanted to say that i can’t truly say ik what you’re going through, bc every circumstance is different, but i really relate to you & what you’re going through. i teared up a bit bc i’ve had the similar thoughts & feelings (and i still do) but i think being open & vulnerable about it is the first step (& hardest) so i just wanna day i’m proud of you 🥺 i wish i let you know more how much i love and appreciate your fics, but i hope the time you take for yourself is healing 💜 Luv -⭐️

Anonymous said: Hope no matter where you go or what you'll do, you'll be happy with it. Lots of love and best of luck ❤️❤️❤️

Anonymous said: dude honestly , taking that step to take care of yourself makes me extremely proud and i dont even know like that. When i first moved to Miami i think i felt similar to how you do , i held a lot of resentment for myself and the life i led and its a sentiment i dont wish on the worst of my enemies. Im sorry you feel that way , but you know you have the strength to pull yourself out of your slump , and that's quite the feat on its own. Good luck and i hope happiness finds you soon. - A.L.Á

Anonymous said: heeeeey, I hope you take lots of care during ur hiatus. Stay hydrated, eat some tasty food, make yourself a priority, reach out for help when you need to, and life is like a minecraft house, sometimes it gets burned down, sometimes it gets attacked but in the end you always have the opportunity to rebuild something new, that makes you happy and satisfied. u rock, u r wonderful and amazing, ily

Anonymous said: Hi! Just wanted to say that your writing is brilliant. It’s okay to be going through a tough time. I’m proud of you for recognizing that you need a break and taking one. The year is almost over: it’s the perfect time for a lifestyle change or a new beginning. Do what you need to do. We’ll still be here. Love you!

Anonymous said: You’re doing great sweetie! Keep going ♥️♥️

Anonymous said: im not sure if you still have the app or not or if you'll ever see this but i love you 💓 & i know idk you but to see you taking steps toward loving yourself is so beautiful ! im still on that journey myself 🤷🏽‍♀️ & it gets hard but you gave me some newfound energy just now. good luck !

Anonymous said: I am so proud of you. You’re so brave for accepting the fact that you are not okay, and doing something to turn that around. Now you’re walking the path towards betterment. I won’t wish for you to not fall back into that hole, but that when you do, I hope you come out faster and stronger every time. You made my life a thousand times better through your works, I hope through this hiatus, you’ll be able to do that for yourself. I am rooting for you ❤️

sydney--chan said: Hi babie🥺 please take all the time you need for yourself. I am proud of you for taking a step back and realizing you needed change. You are very strong and I cant wait for you to come back better than ever:)

Anonymous said: Ah, baby! Just the fact that you opened up and came with this decision shows that deep inside you care for yourself and you are also really brave. YOU ARE inspirational, your friends aren't lying. So many of us can't stop being stagnant and that's ok too. But you, you are doing so much and you are handling this better than you see it yourself. You are mature enough to see that things are wrong and that you deserve to heal. Everything that's wrong is going to pass. (1/?)

Anonymous said: And the cloudy days are going to be gone. I believe in you and I hope you believe in yourself as well. Treat yourself like you would treat one of the boys, for ex (I know it sounds silly but... lol). Imagine if they were feeling down and if they made mistakes. Wouldn't you forgive them? Make them see that it is ok? Wouldn't you want to cuddle and take care of them? Treat yourself like that, please. Treat yourself like you deserve to be taken care of, because you do. (2/?)

Anonymous said: Try to date yourself, you know. Take yourself on a date, buy you something nice when you can, try not to tell yourself things you wouldn't tell other person (cuz I know you are the kindest to people). And it is ok if somedays you can't handle things the best way, but you're just human and it is okay. Allow yourself to be imperfect. We are all trying hard in this life and we are all making mistakes. I am proud of you for trying. Keep trying to be better for yourself. You are precious and (3/4)

Anonymous said: I hope everything gets better for you as soon as possible. We are cheering you up, also while you're on hiatus. Come back whenever you feel like it and don't feel pressured to please others. YOU are the one who matters here and you're amazing af. We are going miss this bright star that you are but be patient with yourself and take your time. Please, seek a professional and take care of your health. You are lovely and loved. Everything goes, my love ♥♥♥♥ (4/4)

Anonymous said: I love you so damn much❤️

Anonymous said: I'm proud if you, I get that this was a hard decision to take, and you still did it. So, I'm proud of you. You finally understood that you are the n. priority, so please treat yourself like it. Even if you'll be gone for the whole year, I'm still super happy ti hear this. You deserve this, as you said yourself, you deserve the world. I'm sorry to hear that you're not doing good, but I know that you can make it better. Please, remember that you're not on your own: ask for help if you need it. Ily

lorengarcia-yut said: I just read your post and I just want let you know that we support you! Your health comes first, please take all the time you need. I feel for you, cause in a way I understand. Please take of your self! May God bless your life cause it’s gonna get better. Keep going, don’t ever give up, and please keep pushing. You deserve better than what you’re going through. Bless your heart ❤️

Anonymous said: 🌹 I don’t know if you will see this but I completely understand what you are going through. I have depression and social anxiety, and it’s so hard for me to get out of bed in the morning to go to school in a city where I don’t know anyone. I just want you to know that I will always support you and I hope that this time away will help to clear your mind of some negativity and bring you into a new year with hopefully brighter days 💜✨☀️

minigalixies said: i hope you come back feeling better, love ♡ so proud of you making the decision to put YOU first !! it’s a hard, but VERY important, decision that i hope benefits you sO MUCH !! i look forward to seeing your new posts when you feel better mentally + physically !! ♥️

Anonymous said: I hope this break provides you with everything you need. I hope life in general gets easier for you, you deserve it my love. Your mental health is way more important than providing us with content. Please take care of yourself, we'll be here for you if/when you decide to come back. I love you.

Anonymous said: hello im here to state a fact: your writing is perfect

moonchild-love-letter said: Hi, how are you? I hope you're okay. Actually, I hope you're better than okay, I hope you've been eating well, sleeping well, and spending your days chasing your bliss. Your writing is a piece of art, whenever I finish a chapter I always feel so happy and blessed to have found your blog. I hope that happiness returns to you ten folds. I hope your days are filled with love. Thank you for sharing your work. Thank you.

Anonymous said: BABY ROSE YOURE BACK!!!!! I’m ready to spend my 2020 supporting your 10/10 writing and you on your life journey. GONNA SMOTHER YOU WITH KINDNESS AND LOVE 🥰🥰

Anonymous said: i admire u so much for being confident enough to put ur mental health first. school causes me so much stress and anxiety and makes me slip back into my depression so fast. i look up to u so much. im glad ur doing what makes u happy. 🥺

Anonymous said: HAPPY NEW YEAR BBY 💙💙 YOU WERE LITERALLY THE FIRST FEW BLOGS I FOLLOWED AND YOU GOT ME INT HE FEELS SO MANY TIMES AND YOUR THEMES ARE AMAZING AND YOURE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU YOU SMOL BBY -Bunny

tinievmin said: Okay so you’re my internet older sister now!!! Wow this is so cute 🥺🥺 Take care of your health, eat well, drink water, sleep, and be kind to yourself this year!!! Sending u love!!

Anonymous said: U ARE A BABY 😩😩😩😩😩😩

Anonymous said: WT FFFFFFF ROSE HAPPY NEW YEAR 🌟 u are backkkkk i miss u little bby 🤧💕

Anonymous said: While they say that army’s are toxic, i think I’ve never found so many people sharing one common interest with such an awareness and consciousness about complex concepts like loving yourself. I like to think that BTS deconstructed the cliché of “love yourself” into something more complex and difficult that u would pursue in life bravely, even through struggles, and not just a quote u find on aesthetic pillows. And I think you’re doing just that too with your stories and your journey. thank you💕

Anonymous said: hello! i'm a returning bts writer and so glad to see find you on here still!! i remember reading one of your earliest fics i love you

Anonymous said: You’re so talented!!

Anonymous said: hello miss rose how are you today? I thought id just come over to say hi and i love you so much you beautiful human being. I hope you and your little fur babies are doing well!💜💜💜💜

Anonymous said: hey, idk if you'll even see this, but i just wanted to say i'm in love with all of your fics. i don't even have a tumblr account, i just come to your page from google to read your stuff and see if you're doing well😳 i could say more but that robot verification keeps running out, so hope 2020 treats you well and you're an amazing writer!

pocketfullofsuga said: hey I checked who im following and it said you are one of my favorite tumblrs I mean they aint wrong though bby

Anonymous said: JUST WANTED TO SAY ILYILYILY AND I HOPE THAT THE NEW DECADE IS TREATING YOU WELL EVEN THO WE ONLY FOUR DAYS IN. ILY, STAY HEALTHY, LOVE YOURSELF. k bye 🥺🤍🕊🥰