#change and trauma related to bringing up my own mental health

[nightly-ruse]

I think I may be a little odd

[traumatizeddfox]

we seriously need to change the language when it comes to abuse. narc abuse does not exist. abusers can have mental disorders, triggers, or traumas but that does not mean people with the same disorder is abusive.

when i first realized i was abused i fell down the narcissistic abuse tiktok trail, i started to believe the only reason my ex was abusive was because he had NPD (he is diagnosed) but then after more of my own research, and conversations with people who are diagnosed with NPD, I realized that abusers are just abusers, and that a lot of people with this disorder are the ones being abused, ostracized from society and not taken serious.

The thing about abusers is they all share the same brain cell, which is why you can list off 10 things most abusers do and a lot of victims will relate. I get countless anons of victims telling me things their abusers did, and I can usually 8/10 times relate on some kind of level, because abusers, again literally only share one brain cell.

The issue with this is abuse has been almost synonymous with the word "narcissist". The amount of shit you see with "Narc abuse", when it's really just abuse. People making countless posts about "how to spot a narcissist, how to fix the narc", etc and I can guarantee you that not all of these abusers have NPD.

BUT we live in such a world of "what about me", so when people try to break the stigma of NPD, victims assume you're telling them they weren't abused. They mention x y z thing that their abuser did, they bring up their mother who maybe was one and maybe their abuser does have NPD, but then these same people want to scream about mental health awareness. They want to say that "Your disorder is not your story", or that everyone with a disorder deserves love, respect, therapy and help but once anyone with a disorder that isn't socially acceptable, it's as if these people turn a blind eye to anyone with a disorder that isn’t classified as worthy. No one is telling you to respect or love the piece of shit who abused you, hurt you, bullied you. Fuck that, but we HAVE to stop associating abuse with npd. if we want to make a change to mental health and the stigma, we need to do with all disorders.

People make these videos, blogs, books, posts, etc on narcissists like they arent...human. The stigma has turned anyone with cluster B personality disorders into something hideous, when really, most of these people are born this way, or deep rooted trauma. BUT when people hear this, they think its giving an excuse. No one is telling you that you have to love ur abuser who might be a narcissist, or that mental disorders = pass. No. Your abuser can have NPD, OCD, depression, etc and be a completely terrible person, and no one is giving them a pass. (Maybe some might but thats a completely different story.) but to just assume NPD = abuser and abuser = npd, is incredibly ableist, but people aren't ready for that one.

The way people talk about people with NPD like they are monsters, and ghouls waiting in the dark corners of the street, waiting to snatch their next victim (who they always describe as being an empath because these people think having empathy = being a good person, when most people aren't even empaths.) They like to romanticize their abuse as well. Talking about how narcissists spot victims who are so "kind, loving, wonderful, special." They try to make it this thing that it's not. Abusers do not abuse you because you are special. they abuse you because they are abusers. Your abuser is a piece of shit who deserves to die because they are an abuser. not because they have a disorder.

period.

[lunar-years]

How do you think Jamie’s mental health issues present/the effects of his father’s abuse in adulthood especially when being in a relationship with Roy and Keeley.

From what we’ve seen on the show alone I think Jamie is very well adjusted in general and has a bright and amazing future ahead of him in every sense ❤️

Cycling back to how his mental health issues present... we actually got a lot of canonical insight into this and to me it's an unpleasant cocktail of repression, overcompensating/excitable euphoria, shutting down, and depression. His repressive tendencies run pretty deep and it's been easier for him historically to push forward by pushing certain emotions down. When he gets triggered by being constantly around his dad in Manchester, he fucks off to Lust Conquers All. When he's upset in Amsterdam, he's cartwheeling down the streets with a hyper sort of constant energy. he's veryyy "i'm so depressed I act like it's my birthday everyday." Then you have moments like Wembley and the week leading up to Mom City where he freezes and falls into subsequent bouts of depression.

To me, I think quite a bit of those episodes stem from the fact that he's spent so long repressing his trauma that he fully does not realize he has it nor has he spent any time openly confronting it. Jame very much that guy who will drop THE most upsetting personal lore whilst laughing and then not understand why the room has gone silent. He can't remember what happened in Amsterdam. In Mom City he tells Roy he doesn't know he's upset, and when Keeley is listing off all the reasons he might have for not being himself lately, he's so overwhelmed by that because he hadn't even considered those reasons, or more aptly hadn't let himself stare them in the face.

Personally I think therapy helps him a lot and he takes to it like a fish to water. Finally he has someone to help him name the things that have happened to him and then help him process and reckon with those things in a healthy way. I definitely think he would learn to lean on others a lot more and develop new coping strategies to lessen instances like the one that drove him to Lust Conquers All.

That said, I think those first few weeks/months/years would be TOUGH. He's dealing with realities about his own life that he's spent much of the course of that life continually shoving down, and there's a lot of big words and diagnoses being thrown his way that overwhelms him even as it eventually relieves him to know there's a name for it.

It would be particularly difficult for him if that level of reckoning was happening at the same time as other big changes in his life, for instance getting together with Roy and Keeley and all the other anxieties that would come with that, or trying to reconnect with his dad. How long and in what capacity James Tartt Sr. remains in his life has to have an enormous impact on how his trauma related stuff presents, esp. given what we see in the finale. His father is very obviously his most prominent and longest-standing trigger. It's that sort of combination, along with him allowing himself to feel emotions outside of shutting down in the face of triggers, that I think could lead to panic attacks.

As for the royjamiekeeley aspect...they all deal with various mental health issues and are incredibly understanding and supportive ofc. As with all things, they have to find their footing and figure out through trial and error how to best help one another, but once they get it down they are incredibly solid. They help Jamie lessen his exposure to the stuff that triggers him (incl. his dad, in whatever way that works) and know how to best help to bring him down from panic attacks, how to talk to him when he's in various funks (he does the same for them), etc.

So it boils down to: I think future Jamie is on very solid footing but that doesn't mean he never stumbles. He's got a lot of healing left to do but I firmly believe he's up for the task.

[yepthatsacowalright]

Doctor Who, The Process Of Healing From Trauma, and Me: A Text Post Essay No One Asked For

Back in 2006ish, when I first started watching Doctor Who as a teenager in late high school/early college, it captivated me mind, body, and soul. I ate that early 2000s, broody-complex-hero shit up.

I loved that the Doctor grappled with the guilt and regret from some truly fucked up shit he did, and I loved that he gave the middle finger to it by going on wild, ridiculous-special-effects-ed adventures instead of attempting the mortifying ordeal of opening up about it.

I'm sure, judging by how popular the 2005 version of the show became, a lot of my generation felt similar. 9/11 hadn’t been that long ago. We were coming of age and starting to sense that the world kind of sucked major ass, and perhaps the older generations had been super lying to us about most things this whole time.

As such, Rose Tyler was living the dream as far as I was concerned. Abandoning her place in this bullshit society to go help people and save lives with someone who never settled, who always ran towards the darkness, who found ways to laugh and dance in it even…Rose's lifestyle was goals.

Not only did the Ninth and Tenth Doctor's struggle to opening up about what they'd been through or forgive themselves for it not bother teen me at all, I preferred it. It was understandable and relatable. I wasn't ready to actually look at and deal with any of my own problems either, I just didn't want to pretend like I had none. Admitting there's a problem is the first step, and that's where Nine, Ten, Rose, and me all hung out and had fun.

Rose’s "death" was when I started to feel differently. It wasn't that I didn't still enjoy the show - I kept watching through Martha and Donna's seasons, and also a little bit into Eleven's run - but it wasn't the same. I could never quite get over the loss of Rose, or how the Doctor chose to get over it by doing what he always did - ignore and repress.

It had been much easier to watch the Doctor do this with trauma when I didn't know much about what he'd been through, but every time he avoided the topic of Rose, or minimized who she was, it pissed me off. It felt bad to watch him do that to the memory of someone who mattered.

I was starting to realize that just admitting you had problems wasn't sustainable. I couldn't stay on that first step indefinitely, and Doctor Who didn't feel like it was my show anymore, which was fine. After all, it's a family-friendly series. An episode on intergalactic talk therapy is not going to be a hit with the kids.

I was off to have the one adventure the Doctor never could - to understand and manage my own mental health. Learning about psychology, learning about trauma, going to therapy. I processed, I surprised myself, I found new stories to obsess over that resonated with a different, older version of me.

Whenever I popped back into Doctor Who, it felt more nostalgic than anything else. It reminded me of how I used to feel, and how far I'd come. I had that bittersweet feeling of wishing I could connect with it the way I used to, but being grateful that the reason I couldn't was a positive, therapeutic one.

And then…the 60th Anniversary Specials.

David Tennant didn’t even do anything that different in his performance, and he admits as much in interviews. Trying to replicate what he did as the Tenth wouldn't make sense because he isn't the Tenth, and trying to do something completely new wouldn't make sense because then why bring back David at all?

He just played the role as an actor who's lived 10 more years since the last time he played the role, and brother that shit hit me hard.

All the natural, subtle, perhaps subconscious changes in him made me feel the weight of slightly too many years passing. Despite knowing I am relatively young, l’m at a point in my life where I, for the first time, feel old.

Gray hairs and smile lines that were only on the faces of grownups are now on the faces of me and my friends. I know I don't know it all, and also realize I know even less than I thought I did. Love feels deeper, loss feels heavier. I'm compelled to express feelings of gratitude and affection I used to always keep to myself. Oh, is that who I am now?

I love that the Doctor's body didn't just go back to Ten's face, but to an aged version of Ten's face. A version that would align with the aged version of Donna's. I know this was not a creative choice, it was literally just what David and Catherine look like now, but how perfect for time itself to play a role in the story, too.

I love that the Doctor, at last, had to catch up with what his body was telling him. To notice his feelings and learn what those feelings meant. Like the title of one of my favorite (and extremely relevant to this this post) books says, the body keeps the score.

And I loved the bi-generation.

I loved that Fourteen made the choice to stop and ask his friends to help him do it.

I know that RTD proposed a theory that in that moment all the previous regenerations became bi-generations as well, but I like the idea that all the others could have bi-generated, but didn't. They weren't ready to look at themselves, or ask for that help from anyone. Not until now.

And I love love LOVE Ncuti Gatwa as Fifteen. I love that the healed next Doctor is a millennial. That he is a Doctor who can freely say he loved his friends, he loved Rose, can tell his former self, "I love you."

The show's become such a beautiful portrayal of generational trauma and healing that did not know that's what it was until its end.

And now, it begins again.

[mandatory-blog-stop-asking]

Final Fantasy 7 Remake, Tifa, dementia, and caretaker trauma.

Spoilers for Final Fantasy 7 original, Remake and Rebirth. Discussions about dementia, mental health, caretaker trauma and events that haven’t been covered in the remake trilogy yet. Also, I am sick and not as eloquent as i like to pretend I am – if this reads like shit, blame the virus. I just can’t get this thought out of my head. The "keep reading" is just before the Rebirth spoilers start if this somehow reached you and you don't want to read about that.

When I think about Final Fantasy 7 I usually don’t think of Tifa. I was never a massive Tifa fan like most people I talk to are.

She’s fine, don’t get me wrong, but I could never quite connect with her when I was a kid, or find her all that compelling. Over time I’ve resigned to thinking it’s because I’m just not super interested in her as a character, since she mostly relates to Cloud while everyone else is doing their own thing. So, when they decided to make a massively expanded Final Fantasy 7 remake trilogy, I thought this was going to be the perfect opportunity to change my mind. I’m not that much of a hater that I want to dislike one of the most beloved characters of all time.

Remake (the game not the trilogy) came and went and I really like what they did to her as an individual: having more of a relationship with everyone else means I get to look forward to when Tifa talks, especially with Aerith. I think their fast-friends-to-battle-sisters routine rocks and Remake really hammered home how they compliment each other. I especially really like how I can’t always tell if they’ve both teasing Cloud individually or together, on purpose. 

Like, the brother is not going to smash, this feels like it’s all for them. Aerith is even cracking up over it. Gals being pals with their clueless best friend. They have so many good moments together and they really bring out the best in each other. 

But then comes Rebirth and all of a sudden the story is necessarily way darker. Even if Remake involved dropping a city’s worth of metal on top of… well, a city, Rebirth is when shit gets real. Sephiroth’s manipulations come into full force, everyone deals with their traumas and personal quests, and Aerith dies. Even though Rebirth stops short of starting the original’s Disk 2, it still has one hundred and fifty hours of story and character content to bite into. 

And Tifa got a lot more of that this time around. She was given a much more prominent role in this narrative than she used to have: Tifa goes to the Lifestream by herself, Tifa has a whole thing with how she has a scar from her encounter with Sephiroth as a young woman, her relationship with Aerith has never been deeper, meaning that when she dies Tifa is left in shambles, and she’s pretty much the one person in the party who’s never in a position where she’s wrong about something. She’s always the rock everyone can rely on, and she knows that’s her role.  

And then there’s Cloud.

I feel like the thing I’m most fascinated by with Tifa in this franchise is how she’s slowly becoming a caretaker for someone with dementia.

NOW, LOOK.

I’m not saying that’s the literal text, or that we’re going to have bathing and feeding minigames in Mideel. I don’t think the game is actually about dementia proper. But I do think the game, both the OG and the remake trilogy, do make a point about all the ways in which you can lose someone. 

Final Fantasy 7 is a game about identity, environmentalism, loss, riding multicolored giant cocks that are somehow faster than cars – it’s got a lot going on and people have been interpreting its text for decades. But one of the things I feel gets mostly ignored is what Tifa is going through when Cloud becomes wheelchair-bound in his post-Crater vegetative state. She leaves the party to take care of him while the rest of the gang goes on to have wacky adventures under Cid’s leadership for a little while. It’s obviously temporary, but as far as Tifa knows, she’s going to spend the rest of her life taking care of the love of her life, never able to actually talk to him again. 

And like, that’s fucked, right? That’s a major life decision that gets talked about way less than what happens right after. And I mean, with good reason – the Lifestream section of the game is one of the most fascinating parts of the experience, and it immediately cancels out what Tifa decided to do, because Cloud comes back. Fully back, too, without any asterisks. But think about what Tifa was ready to do! That’s so much!

The Remake Trilogy elaborates on every singular aspect of the original game, to good and bad results, but this has turned into showcasing Cloud slowly but surely losing his mind over the course of two to three games. What was about three or four moments in the original game that culminated with his pseudo-mental death when delivering the Black Materia is now basically two hundred full hours of Cloud becoming progressively more violent, progressively more unhinged, and progressively less connected to his friends and the world around him.

Cloud starts talking to himself through extreme headaches, he starts seeing things that aren’t there, he actually even raises his weapon at Tifa due to being convinced by the voices in his head that she’s somehow not real. And throughout it all, Tifa is begging him to come back to normal, to be the guy she remembers him as. She never leaves his side, she never gives up on him, but she also doesn’t know what to do to make him stop.

But of course, we know that’s not all she does. Throughout the games, we see Tifa actually playing along with a lot of Cloud’s delusions a lot of the times. She lets him believe his version of the events of Nibelheim because she’s scared of what will happen to him if he realizes he’s remembering everything incorrectly. She lets him lie about Zack drowning in the river – lie to himself, no less – because the lie keeps him under control. When something bad happens to Cloud, Tifa takes on a caring attitude, not necessarily a correcting one. When Aerith does it, it’s for the sake of the World. When Tifa does it, it’s for the sake of their relationship, which has to last through this latest breakdown, there is simply no other choice from her perspective.

This feels so familiar. I used to care for people with dementia professionally. Not literally every night, but for enough. Watching Tifa go through Cloud’s worsening mental state reminds me so much of watching someone progressively lose their minds, with nothing you can do for them other than making them comfortable. 

Tifa’s arc of wanting to be there for Cloud but having no idea of what she can actually do for him climaxes, for me at least, with Cloud being fully engulfed in the lies he tells himself after Aerith’s death in Rebirth. He has done this before; he lies to himself so hard about who Zack is that he creates fake memories in the room he slept in in order to make sense of reality. Cloud has basically fully divorced himself from the linear progression of events in his life; he will not live a life where bad things happen to him, no matter who has to suffer for it.

And when Tifa sees him obviously going through it again, clearly not reacting to the things around him and letting himself go more and more, getting stronger headaches and becoming less reliable and less able to take care of himself…

He’s doing it again, she must be thinking. He’s never gonna stop doing it; he can’t stop doing it. This is the rest of her life. This is the man she wants to spend her days with, and every passing day, he’s less and less of himself. Cloud is not here anymore. And as far as she knows, he might never be here again.

Tifa in the original was a cool girl who was willing to do whatever she needed for her friends and chosen family, and that included staying with her beloved even when his body betrayed him. Tifa in the remakes is someone watching her loved one wither away due to something she can’t help him with, needing more and more help to communicate and work. And he needs her help, specifically, because he’s surrounded by people who came into his life without necessarily expecting to carry him through it. She’s all he’s got. Now that Aerith is gone, more than ever, she’s all he’s ever going to have.

It’s becoming more and more obvious. Barret can see it, and is visibly disturbed by it. Yuffie can see it, but she’s too young to understand. Nanaki can see it, but he’s going through the ringer himself, the world is on his back as the Guardian of the Canyon and he doesn’t know if that journey will always overlap with his friends’. Aerith could see it, but now she’s gone, and everything is worse. 

Everyone asks him to please take care of himself, they keep asking him if he’s okay and if he needs a break, and he keeps just moving on because self-care would imply there’s something wrong with him, and there’s nothing wrong with him, Aerith is alive and well and she’s going to work with us and I can see her, I can see everything the way it should be–

By the time Cloud starts talking about his visual hallucinations, Tifa doesn’t even say anything anymore. It’s just another day when Cloud fades a little more, replaced with this bossy, awful person who keeps killing people while saying a bunch of nonsense, and she has to figure out a new way to keep him calm and in working condition so they can save the world or whatever. But fuck, at this point she must be starting to wonder, why bother saving the world if she’s just going to have to take care of him after that, too? 

I see so much more doubt in Tifa about whether or not what she’s doing is making a difference this time around. Tifa in the OG was resolute, but also barely affected things compared to Aerith or Cloud himself. In this, Tifa is the last voice of reason in the man’s life. When everyone leaves – and they will leave, eventually – she’s the one who is going to stay behind and figure out where to go from here. 

And there’s just such tragedy about the fact that she doesn’t know things will get better. She’s imagining how she’s going to keep him contained while they fight now, being so weak herself after Aerith’s demise. She’s beginning to realize this is it for the long haul and that people are starting to move away when Cloud starts talking crazy. Cloud keeps lying, to her face, and there’s nothing she can even say at this point, because everyone only hears the lies. Why correct him? Why bother demanding to be treated well if he doesn’t even live in the same reality that she does, at this point? How do you even ask for help if you don’t know what would help?

And, like, look, this reading has problems and it only goes so far – dementia is not something you “treat” and it doesn’t magically get better just because you fall into the manifestation of all the life on the planet. At least I don’t think that’s proper FDA-approved yet. 

But I really think making Cloud’s mental breaks so much more clearly outside of his own control and even knowledge makes for a much more harrowing portrayal of a life being lost slowly. In the original, you can never really tell how much is Cloud just “pretending” he’s Zack and how much is Hojo’s experiments on him doing it. And, for the sake of my sanity, I’m not counting Crisis Core’s weird explanations here. But in Remake it’s… genuinely a man losing his sanity and his identity, and he doesn’t even know it.

And without knowing that herself, all Tifa knows is that the man she loves needs help. Forever. But who’s gonna help her now that Aerith is dead? 

To finish this ramble, there’s this moment in Rebirth’s Cosmo Canyon section that I think really nails what they’re doing with Tifa.

Cosmo Canyon has been reimagined as a place of religion– while in the original Bugenhagen was a wise mentor with all the answers about the cosmos and honestly, kinda felt like he was a man of science to me, in the remake trilogy he’s basically a cult leader. He’s very smart, obviously, but he very specifically keeps being dismissive of Tifa’s questions about the Lifestream, a place she has been to and he hasn’t.

There’s a lot you can read here – how blind faith numbs you to others and not just the truth, how even wisened individuals aren’t always the ones you want to go to with your problems, or just, hey, don’t join a fucking cult just because it seems harmless. Even Barret, who was incredibly excited to go to the place, becomes immediately disappointed at how people there react to his work and his opinions. He wants to actually save the planet, they want to just talk about doing it and then charge their root chakras with mako or some shit.

But anyway, Tifa goes to a meeting with a bunch of other cult members after being told this was the place where she could get some answers. She sits down and listens to people’s problems and thoughts like they’re in a support group. Everyone has anxieties, doubts and things they want to share. Finally, a place where people listen! 

It’s now Tifa’s turn, and she decides to share what she’s been through. Specifically how she’s anxious about the future after her experiences with the Lifestream, and how this relates to her personal history and fight for a better tomorrow.

They don’t even react.

There’s no jeering or booing or anything, there’s just silence. No one really expected her to talk about real things they could be doing, or how it has affected her daily life. This is a group for people who want to say they’re going to help, not actually do anything.  

And listen, it’s a plot moment, she’s talking about the plot – but she’s also being told that her story matters, only for her to get shot down when looking for help. She keeps talking about how people need to fight back against adversity, how this planet and everyone in it is all we have, and how we have to team up and gang together and take care of each other, take care of the planet, but she doesn’t know how to do that! She’s doing her best and she just wants some pointers here, because she doesn’t feel like she’s doing it 100% correctly! Bad things keep happening to her! Is it her fault?

I really read that as her asking if things are bad because she’s not doing enough. No one elected her a hero, and it’s as much her responsibility to take care of the planet as is anyone else’s. But… if it is partially her responsibility to take care of the Planet, and the Planet is dying, what other responsibilities is she not doing properly? Is she failing the Planet? Is she failing Cloud? Is she failing herself?

And then she immediately apologizes that she’s being a bother, and tells people to forget about it. Some polite clapping ensues, and a wisened old man gives her a generic answer about challenging herself, without really engaging with what she said.

Tifa looks like she’s been alone in every room she’s walked into when she starts talking about her feelings and her doubts. There’s no one there for her. The professionals don’t care, her living friends have no idea, and she doesn’t know what to do. But someone has to do something. 

Then it hit me, why I like this version of Tifa so much more: Tifa is someone who has to do something. I think that’s a really good way to expand on her character from the original. It may have also broken my heart about how much doing something is destroying her. Because at the end of the day, Tifa takes care of everyone, but no one really takes care of Tifa.

Well, anymore. 

[clever-and-unique-name]

Hey, this isn’t an ask, I just wanted to thank you.

I first came across the word “dissociation” years ago, connected with it a lot and promptly ignored it- only recently (the past few months or maybe it’s been an year- my sense of time isn’t great) did I start delving into it.

Initially I was reading ab depersonalisation and derealisation and really connecting to it and getting super scared but I eventually slowly got myself to accept it and read about it.

But then I watched moon knight/ and in trying to learn more about DID just as a generally mental health-aware person- I started relating to alOt of things in a very painful way.

It was a weird up and down months long journey of being scared/ not wanting to consider it at all/ not even wanting to bring it up to my therapist/ thinking I’m making it up/wondering what the like between “normal” and “dissociative” was etc.

But I’m finally in a place where I think either it’s C-Ptsd/ OSDD (even now I don’t want to fully accept it’s the second one). But a big Big Point of acceptance for me has been blogs and memes and infographics from systems.

Of all the books and myths and confusion around dissociative disorders/ it’s always the sincere experiences that I keep relating to the most/ and the explanations from real systems which resonate with me the most.

And your comics were easily the Biggest turning point for me. Because it was explained in a way that entirely totally intuitively made sense to me.Down to them being different colours and circles and mixing. Your descriptions of introjects and passive influence and blending are what really made it make sense to me and genuinely validated me and made me able to see my personal experiences as a dissociative disorder Without feeling wrong and scared and hate myself.

Instead of new terms and talk of trauma that overwhelmed and alienated me, when I was first dipping my toe in, your comics showed and explained my own daily experience and how I’d been seeing the inside of my head for so long. When I was little I had 6 “imaginary characters” I would play as/ my handwriting has always changed/ I’ve had 6 google accounts for years now for “efficiency”/ diff YT accounts that subscribe to diff channels coz “don’t wanna contaminate the different vibes” and these are just some of the little things that were always a little off or weird but in learning that all those little weird things tied up with my big weird things? And that none of them were weird at all but rather something that could be explained and Shared with a community of people who Also Experienced it and could connect and guide each other?

That feeling of connection, understanding, and clarity- the embracing and empathy and forgiveness I’ve been able to have for myself -is something I am so so ever grateful to you for.

So thank you so much. You made me feel how magical and human it is to share, connect and belong with others. And be seen.

(Side Note- I still use singular pronouns as 1- I still have some internalised stigma to work through and 2- with my OSDD it’s more like I in different fonts rather than “we”)

(but I will say I absolutely identify with your descriptions of more distinct parts and they were what allowed me to go “haha just as like.. a fun experiment what if I tried to imagine what it would look like if I had diff-“ when I tell you my head imMediately sorted itself into different trains of thought/roles/personas/ even sense of physical appearance…they settled into and took that “experiment” so so easily and it was so comfortable that I had to look further into it)

(And as I’ve kept going and been genuinely curious and compassionate I’ve started noticing “memory fuzziness” / introjects of my parents/ realised I have a “little” who I have been severely neglecting/ been able to make my therapy about 70% more effective and finally finally feel seen and understood in these communities)

(I’ve acc been able to be aware of diff parts and encourage them to use words- where before they’d be impulses or emotions or visualisations so I could assume it was just “thinking” - now I just encourage a little bit by thinking “hmm is this a part? What are you trying to tell me? Please use words” and it has absolutely changed my life and made so many things clearer and so so much guilt and self hate has been cleared up)

As of now my therapist and I are unsure if it’s more an IFS kind of thing or C-PTSD or OSDD but whatever it is I want to thank you so So So much for putting this out into the world - reminding me of a story about one boy who saw hundreds of fish beached and started throwing them back in one by one and someone asked “why would you do that? You can’t save all of them it won’t make a difference” and he responds “he made a difference to that one”

I don’t know how much interaction you get on your platform but I just want you to know you really made a difference to this one.

And I am very grateful.

(Sorry this was long)

Sorry this has sat unanswered for a bit, I ah...struggle to put words to how much it means to me, not only that my little infographics helped you in such a way, but that you took the time to write so thoughtfully to me. (I did read every word of it, even though I don't have the spoons to reply to individual points.)

For a while I've actually been debating taking down my DID/OSDD Casually Explained posts, because they're by far my most popular posts and tend to draw in people who expect me to be the same sort of "educator" I was 4 years ago when I made them. And I'm simply not. I work full-time now, and the relatively little time I have at home is spent trying to wrangle my own mental health.

I suppose I got wrapped up in thoughts of disappointing people, no longer providing the informative content that most people followed me for, nor the personal content they could find relatable...

All that to say, I forgot how impactful content like that can be for people. I've certainly come across mental health comics or art that clicked things into place for my own experiences, I just didn't think my own creations could have that kind of effect on others (thanks imposter syndrome.)

Truly, thank you for telling me your story. I am so honored and humbled to have a place in your journey. Your words have convinced me to keep my infographics up indefinitely--I suppose we're taking turns tossing each other back into the sea.

I'm wishing you all the best (and try not to worry too much about diagnostic labels if you can help it, it sounds like you're doing The Parts Work just fine regardless!)

[legstheoctomobster]

(TW// Uhhh just some really angsty and bad writing ngl; Vent & Involuntary Agere; (NONSEXUAL) mentions of pull-ups/diapers and changing; implied child abuse)

Anyways I’m bored rn so I’m making a whole ass ramble about Amelia’s agere as related to her story. There’s also a oneshot too :33

I write Amelia’s regression similar to my own, cuz why not? She regresses involuntarily out of trauma and mental health reasons. It’s always been pretty obvious, but no one, even Amelia, knew what was going on, and chocked it up to her being some bratty tween/teen. For a while, she felt guilty about it; she didn’t mean to act like such a burden, but she just couldn’t control it. It took until she was about 14 for her and Legs to realize what was going on.

Her age range is somewhat drastic, going from 18 months old to about 7 years old. 5-7 are pretty common, though she tends to regress on the younger side when she’s upset.

Legs is Amelia’s caregiver (he is, legally, but now for her regression too :D.) He was admittedly a little weirded out at first, because Amelia was the first regressor he’s ever taken care of (or rather the first regressor who was “above” him in mafia ranks. It’s a little weird to see the consigliere of your mafia come crying to you, wanting to be carried and rocked.) As time went by, he grew more accepting, and even helped her make a stash-box her little gear.

Amelia’s an angry child. Like really angry when regressed (honestly can’t blame her lol.) Most of her regression episodes are just tantrums and meltdowns over a shitty day or one of the higher-ups bullying her. Legs is pretty tolerant of these tantrums, often just sitting with her and letting her ride through the outburst, but will intervene if she gets into violent/self-harming territory; making her do grounding exercises or make her punch a pillow or stuffie. Amelia always apologizes for her outbursts afterwards <:)

Pretty open about her regression. She won’t, like, announce it when she walks into a room, but if you ask, she’s pretty open. Amelia already is so desensitized, and her “shame” is deteriorated, so she has no problem getting into detail about her episodes! Little-her gets really embarrassed when someone other than Legs knows that she’s regressed.

Okay here’s the little oneshot

Legs stared down at the teen girl lying on his bed, curled into a little ball. The capo’s face was contorted with sympathy and frustration. Not at his sister though, rather her mood. He got up from his desk, now sitting at the edge of the bed, and carefully approached the girl. His heart ached as he heard soft sniffles and sobs.

“You came into my room so you wouldn’t be alone right now, hm?” Legs asked, a faint bit of knowing in his voice. Amelia nodded, peeking out of her arms and up at her brother.

“Yeah. I-I’m sorry.” Amelia weakly admitted, rubbing her eyes. “It’s scary…”

“I know, kiddo.” Legs nodded, slowly bringing the shorter girl into his lap. He leaned back against the wall, letting Amelia burrow in his shoulder and weep. He gave soft shushes, rubbing her back. It almost felt like routine at this point. Even at her big ole’ age of 16, Legs could never resist letting his baby sister sit in his lap and babble to him about her troubles.

“Don’t like it…” Amelia whined as she hugged onto Legs. “Brain icky..” She continued, not being able to articulate well, on the conditions of being 19 months old.

“Can relate to icky brain, sis.” Legs nodded, chuckling as Amelia toddled off of his lap to explore his room. He can only be reminded of the times where she was actually little. It felt like a small piece of time was frozen; both the good and bad moments. Before he got too immersed in his thoughts, he caught the clumsy Amelia from falling off his bed.

“Ah, before you go be stupid,” Legs playfully starts, taking Amelia to the bathroom, “lemme get you ready first. Don’t want you making a mess, right, booger?” He set Amelia on the toilet seat, bopping her nose.

“No booger!” She protested, even more angry as Legs got out a pull-up from the cabinet. Although she was fussing, she didn’t really put up a fight, only giving Legs a death glare as he changed her. He ignored it, trying to change her as fast as possible and spare her the awkwardness of the moment.

Legs sat a pouting Amelia back down on his bed, trying not to laugh at the simple little death glare she was still doing.

“Not booger.”

“You’re still mad at that nickname?” Legs asked, Amelia giving an instant nod. He chuckled. “Okay, okay. No booger. But what should I call you?”

Legs began cycling through a pair of nicknames, each one getting Amelia angrier.

“Junior?”

“No.”

“Stinky McStinkerton?��

“No!”

“Gremlin?”

“No!!!” Amelia bellowed, hiding in Legs’ stomach. Legs gave a small kiss on her forehead, putting her on his lap again.

“What about Amey?”

“Good.” Amelia nodded, calming down instantly, nuzzling into Legs’ ribs. “Max…”

“Yeah, kiddo?”

“Scared…” Amelia admitted, giving Legs a small pit in his stomach. He knew what she was scared of, and reassured her many times before. He understood his words were only a bandage solution to Amelia’s problems.

“Y’know we’ll be out of that family in no time, okay? You’ll be safe.” It wouldn’t hurt to use those words right now though…

Amelia looked up at Legs, giving a hesitant smile; one she used in her normal headspace too whenever the capo made this promise. Legs frowned softly pressing his forehead up to hers.

“I know you don’t believe me on that, but I really do mean it. We’re gonna be far, far away from those crooks.” Legs huffed softly as Amelia stayed silent, and what hurts is that he couldn’t really be mad at her skepticism. The two mobsters sat there in silence; both aware of their doomed lives, and too scared to admit it.

“Okay, bedtime.” Legs announces, picking Amelia up and bringing her back to the bathroom. Amelia huffed and whined, not wanting to be waked up.

“Noooo…” The young consigliere whined. She was only met with a “yes” that matched her whiny tone. She pouted, letting Legs help her brush her teeth and hair. The capo gave small hums as he combed through the young girl’s hair, calming her.

Once Legs placed her back on the bed, Amelia gave Legs a fearful look, her hands making small grabbing motions. The capo gave a small chuckle, realizing what the toddler-regressed wanted. He held Amelia in a small embrace, letting her bury herself in his arms. The two connected, just like puzzle pieces, and began to fall asleep.

“Get some sleep, alright? You’re not going anywhere just yet.”

(Here’s a little space divider ig)

(Okay now that I think about it, I might actually use this for a scene in Italian Psycho. Just gotta polish it up though. Anyways that’s all I really have to say. Have a good day/night.)

[chounaifu]

Talking with writers outside of the written roleplay community is something that I do frequently; I'm in a small social circle of people who write a variety of genres, and range from self-published, classically published, and those who choose to not get published at all.

Not too long ago, we were talking about topics and tropes that we struggle to write, ones that we simply do not enjoy, and ones that we do not include in our writing at all.

We went around and took turns explaining our disliked tropes and such, and when it was my turn, I spoke about one that I've REALLY, REALLY struggled with: Love Redeems, or really, any scenario where a character or plot is "saved" by love.

I struggle to write this because, frankly, it is a trope that I do not enjoy playing with, and one that is beyond worn out in my eyes. It makes me cynical. It takes otherwise complex characters and boils them into something unrecognizable most of the time. (These are my opinions of course. More power to you if that is a trope that you enjoy, but I can't really adhere it to anything that I write.) It's especially hard to work with this trope as someone who is primarily a villain writer.

Fortunately, my writing partners are on the same page with me on this one, and are here for the ride. In the past, however, I've had to either soften up and write characters out of character in order to appease this trope, for the sake of pleasing people. I intend on never doing that again.

Proton's character, especially, is not one that is going to be "redeemed" by "love." He's an extremely complicated character, with layers of generational trauma and mental illness that contributes to him being the "cruelest" of his organization. There are absolutely no circumstances where I can imagine him becoming well-adjusted, "normal" or easy to be around.

A warm embrace and words of affirmation will make him bristle before it ever calms him down (for these are unfamiliar and triggering). Gentleness will bring out the snake's fangs (it feels like a trap). And who could ever relate to him? Even his fellow criminals are uneasy around Proton.

This is not a man that is going to renounce his life as a criminal in order to live a happily ever after. This is not the man that is going to look into the eyes of a child and see himself, and decide to turn away from villainy.

This is, however, the man that is going to be selfish, and think that "this is just how life is." His morals are rotten. His attitude is self-serving. His loyalty runs deep. He is an ouroboros eating himself over and over and over again, and is cursed to do as such. Proton is meant to represent humanity's capacity for being cruel, wretched, and evil. He is the byproduct of generational trauma, religious trauma, financial trauma and the alarming lack of mental health treatments for men. To change that is to change his character, and make him no longer Proton.

People are free to love him. People are free to look at him fondly. But those who do should always be aware that he is not looking back at them with that same sane adoration; Proton is looking back with greedy, serpent eyes, always putting himself first, and trying to gather up as much information about the unfortunate person who has decided that he is likable. He's unstable. He's unpredictable. He will be your best friend one day, and then the next day, he will be the one kicking you into a hole to bury you alive. He will say "I love you", but is this something he truly understands?

"I love you" and "I hate you" are just friendly neighbors in his psychology. They evoke strong emotions, dopamine, and that's how he operates.

Say, perhaps, he does have the capacity to love. It's still not going to come from a place of gentleness and normality. It's going to be possessive, it's going to be toxic, and it's going to grind the victim to the bone, unless they are prepared to meet his unhinged behavior with their own insanity.

He's not a gentle man. He's not a loving man. He is a loyal one, yes, an intense dog of the underworld who knows how to follow through on a command, but he's kept on a tight leash by his superior for a reason.

And while I think he DOES have the capacity to be a "better" person, I don't think he will ever be a "good" person. Morally gray, perhaps, but he's still never going to be the type of person you want to trust with your children. Anybody who thinks otherwise? They've been successfully manipulated by the repo man.

I prefer writing this way, rather than falling into tropes that don't appeal to me. It makes for a more satisfying storytelling experience on my end. There are, absolutely, characters that I write who will be able to go on entire self-discovery journeys and find themselves healed by the care and acceptance of others-- but not every character that I write fits that scenario. Love is not going to redeem my villains. Love will, however, twist them further, and that makes for a fun time when writing with me.

[letmeinpplease]

Buckle in kids, the Barnaby Brooks, Jr. Defense Squad is holding a meeting.

So I gave up on the argument with my BIL. Below is, essentially, the essay I wrote trying to explain why his particular opinion of Barnaby sucks. I decided not to send it because I realized that frankly, even if I'm right, it's not going to change his view, so it wasn't worth my time. Instead I figured I'd send it out into the void that is Tumblr to hopefully get some good faith interaction.

-My BIL's best friend watched the show specifically to understand our argument and said Barnaby "had no signs of mental illness, maybe just some trauma."

Bullshit.

Bro has at least an anxiety disorder and, given that I have one and that man is showing every single fucking trait I did before being diagnosed, I will die on that hill (I did also check the DSM for non-anecdotal evidence related to my specific disorder, and I'm pretty sure he meets the GAD criteria). Regardless, PTSD is, in fact, classed as a mental illness (specifically subclassified as a form of anxiety), and you can't watch the show and tell me he doesn't have PTSD.

-BIL's BF also said that Barnaby has a shitty, unlikeable personality with very little to redeem him through the end of Season 1.

Bullshit again.

There's literally a slow progression of him getting steadily better (both mentally and as a person) throughout all of season 1 and into season 2. I don't have time for a full watch through to rip small details, but you can literally watch Barnaby change in real fucking time. He's not the same person at the end of season 1 that he was at the beginning. Maybe its the hyperfixation talking, but I genuinely don't understand how you can watch the show and not catch the little, incremental ways he changes throughout season 1. And on that note--

-You don't have to like Barnaby's bitchy, shitty behavior in early Season 1. You literally aren't meant to. It is bitchy, shitty behavior, and it's stemming from unrecognized and/or unmanaged mental illness of some kind (even if it's only PTSD) in combination with Maverick's upbringing. It's an explanation, not an excuse, and it's realistic as shit. His support network is literally Maverick and Samantha. I'm not even gonna get into how much fuckery the Maverick component added to Barnaby's mental health, social skills, and general world view, cause I really should not have to. As for Samantha, I always got the vibe that they loved each other, but they rarely communicated, so he doesn't have much going for him there.

Why is this relevant?

Because Barnaby doesn't know how the fuck to deal with Kotetsu's shenanigans or his own issues, so he lashes out. Once he actually has and accepts a support network (Kotetsu), he starts to improve as a character. Wanna know why I clocked that? Cause I did The Exact Same Fucking Thing. I had 0 friends in high school because I was a constantly on edge due to unrecognized anxiety and PTSD (obviously at the time I had no idea why I was so angry all the time), which made me a reactive, short tempered bitch. I got better in college, and that was because I was in a different setting and around new people, which provided me the exposure I needed to realize "something might not be right here." The little support network I formed at college helped me learn how to manage, how to interact with people, and how to manage my reactiveness simply through exposure (i.e. I figured it out as we went and apologized when I fucked up, they were not expected to take any sort of responsibility). Recognition of my issues later led to going to therapy and getting a diagnosis. We are literally watching this happen with Barnaby. Season 1 is the first time in Barnaby's life that he has a significant influence outside of Maverick. We are literally watching that exact same growth over the course of the show.

-And that brings us to Barnaby's motivation, which I have another post on, so you can totes skip this paragraph if you want. Once he gets past the revenge arc Barnaby is literally just trying to do what makes him mentally okay. That's literally it. That's what everything he does from then on boils down to. Granted, it's not as obvious early on, but it's heavily implied at the end of season 1, it literally feeds the plot of The Rising, and he outright says that's what he's doing in season 2, and it's backed by his actions throughout. He's still helping people while doing it, so it's not like it's to other people's detriment, but he's prioritizing what he needs and what could make him happy. You gotta put on your oxygen mask before you can help others, and that's a hard but important lesson to learn when you're mentally ill. Prime example is that I had to end a friendship last week because her mental health issues were worsening mine, and she would not accept any form of boundaries. I wanted to be able to continue to support her, but you can't save someone if you're drowning. Additionally, I think it's hard for people to get what it's like for your only goal to be to feel okay without the context of being mentally ill for Literally as long as you've had memories (and I'm not even exaggerating there, pls don't ask about my childhood fear of toothpaste). Seeing that shit reflected on screen is Refreshing As Hell. Barnaby's not in it purely ~to help others~, or to avenge his parents, or for the sake of justice, or anything like that. Barnaby is Literally just a guy trying to find something that makes him happy, and is clinging tooth and nail to keep whatever he finds (namely, his partnership with Kotetsu).

-Basically, my view boils down to this: You don't have to like Barnaby as a character. You don't have to like his coping skills, or lack thereof. But Barnaby is a fantastic representation of what its like for some (key word SOME, I'm not gonna claim my experience to be universal) people dealing with long-term unrecognized mental illness. You can hate him, but when the show outright gives you all this context showing you Exactly why he acts the way he does, and then shows you how he makes an effort to change, you should at least consider it before just saying "he's an asshole and that's that." Also, recognize that if you can't see the representation he provides, He's Probably Not For Your Benefit (why yes, this IS another "importance of representation" post). It's so rare to get realistic portrayals of mental health in the media, and even less so with genuinely Good characters, so frankly, it enrages me when people just disregard the Mountain of context provided in favor of saying "oh, he's just an asshole" (looking at you, CA: Civil War era Tony Stark hate).

[marimeiastories]

Seven books about mental health

I want to share positive books, which talk about improvement and positive outcomes, hoping that these books can bring you comfort.

1. It’s Kind of a Funny story by Ned Vizzini

Craig is a 16-year-old teenager who struggles with depression and anxiety. Because of this, he decides to be admitted in the psychiatric ward of his neighbourhood, and there he meets people and lives situations which will make him think more positively about the future.

This is a hilarious book full of fun interchanges between the patients of the ward, but it also touches deep topics, like depression related effects and stories of people who are trying their best to get better, in a down to earth matter. It was made into movie, which I recommend too.

2. Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

Eleanor is a middle aged woman who is used to be alone and does not seek company, as she knows that the moment she will create meaningful connections it will be the moment in which she will get hurt. She frequently talks with her mum, altough the latter treats her coldly and constantly judges Eleanor’s actions and beliefs.

This is a novel about a person who numbed her emotions after going through trauma. It talks about post-traumatic stress disorder and the inheritance of creating meaningful connections despite the uneasiness felt in doing it.

3. Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig

A book in which the author writes abour his own approach to his suffering from depression and anxiety. Through his journey he gathered some reasons for which it is worth to live in spite of a mental health condition, and he writes them in this book to invite others to reflect and help them in their own journey.

4. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Although in this book there’s no mental health condition specified, this is a real story of a person who mentally hit rock bottom after a divorce and picked herself up. The author opens up completely about days spent crying, her seeing no happy future for herself. Through a journey that will take her through three countries, she finds herself again. There is also a movie on this, but, in my opinion, it does not reflect the depth of the book.

5. The Choice by Edith Eger

This is my absolute favourite. Edith Eger is one of the survivors of the Holocaust, and she tells the story of how her childhood was stolen by being deported in a concentration camp. But the book does not stop here, and Edith goes on describing her recovery from the traumatic experience and her willingness to become useful to others in the treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder. She describes how she saw hell and from it she learnt how to use her pain to serve others by becoming a psychologist. She’s a great, inspirational woman.

TW: being the Holocaust the subject of this book, the story contains some crude scenes.

Have a look at Edith Eger website: 

6. The girl who dated herself by Susannah Shakespeare

This is a novel about a girl who learns to love herself after a breakup. After the separation, she realises she never loved herself the way she deserved and starts doing things alone, from going to the cinema to having a fancy dinner.

This is a book about self-love and how it is good and healthy to want to spend some time alone.

7. The curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon

This is a novel about a boy on the spectrum of autism and how he deals with it through seeing the world as a mathematical problem that needs to be solved. In the story, he finds himself involved in a mystery to solve, which starts with a dog found dead in the neighbour’s garden.

This book describes well the struggles of someone with autism and how their vision of the world is different, but this doesn’t mean worse.

Please let me know if you have any book recommendation for me, I'd love to hear your suggestions!

Marimeia :)

[gggoldfinch]

the first time I wrote this my laptop crashed halfway through and deleted everything and I started sobbing. here we go again, part 2, I'll try not to have a fucking stroke:

(Also not to be weird or unkind but pls don’t read/like/reply to this if you’re not a follower or mutual of mine. I trust my regulars and mutuals, some y’all that blow in on the wind scare me …)

here’s a little personal ramble about me discovering(?) my neurodivergency (with a sprinkle of childhood trauma) (I lied it’s not a sprinkle it’s a backhoe full) because I just had a fucking MASSIVE epiphany while sitting here doing nothing. Feel free to read idc, I just need somewhere to put this since I don’t have a shrink, and maybe some y'all will relate, considering we’re all a bit touched in the head here. This is a blog and I’m finally treating it like one lmao

a little context: I had somewhat severe epilepsy from age 4-5 that seemingly had no cause, and went away on its own. yay. 

so, on to the topic at hand. My family had numerous stories about how I used to get seriously SERIOUSLY overwhelmed/ overstimulated as a child— so much so that on one particular occasion I hid in a basket of toys in my bedroom during my own birthday party until my mom had to make everyone leave early. Needless to say I was labelled “a handful.” My parents always blamed these outbursts of overstimulation in social settings on my epilepsy (even though this behavior continued after my epilepsy cured itself), saying that it made me tired, irritable, easily overwhelmed, etc. But now as an adult, knowing there is a fairly decent likelihood that I have not only adhd but autism too, this makes much more sense. Side note: my parents refuse to believe their child could be neurodivergent (among many other bigoted things their child could not be)—they shoot me down whenever I propose the idea, calling me silly—so it’s likely that bringing me to a specialist never crossed their minds, considering they didn’t want to consider it and I didn’t portray the “traditional symptoms” of neurodivergency that were known about in the early 2000s. 

all this being said, yes, I just had that epiphany while sitting here on my couch and was like. oh. damn, that kinda makes sense now, looking back through a different lens. It’s always been here, apart of me. It’s always been with me. And realizing this kinda makes me a little sad. I have all the resources at my fingertips now as an adult to learn about all the ways my behavior has been misinterpreted throughout my life. All the times when I refused to let my mom brush/touch/style my hair, when I'd only eat the same favorite foods, why I was SO obsessed with pacifiers, why I would lash out and get overwhelmed and torment everyone around me. I understand why now, and it strangely makes me feel so sad and alone.

I feel like I’m always mourning my childhood and the loss of it (crying rn lol, a tear fell in my mouth). I was friendless and bullied for 9 whole years of my life, throughout my entire elementary and middle education. My grandparents, who were my best friends, died 15 months apart and I never got proper closure, and am still in mourning over a decade later. I was diagnosed with several life changing diseases when I was just a poor dumb kid and it virtually stripped my teenage years to their bare bones. I had good times, I did, but you don’t often remember the good times, do you. I remember feeling alone, overwhelmed, and so so so different for so many years of my life, and not understanding why. I really do think my childhood ended when my grandparents died when I was 10, because after that ushered in the mental and physical health problems, and still, no comfort in peers until my late teens. Even when I finally had friends in high school (not the same friends from high school that I've talked about here, mind you), they would tease me; laugh when I’d slip up verbally, or when I was slow on the uptake, even if I asked them to stop. I’d feel overwhelmed and isolated, but I'd suck it up because this is what friends do, despite this being exactly what my merciless “friend” bullies did in middle school. 

Now I realize that I always had the right to be overwhelmed and angry that no one understood why— my symptoms of neurodivergy came in a “gifted kid” box, with hyperfixations and poor social skills abound. Now Ive got gifted kid burnout and explanations for my younger self. I understand why I sometimes felt like I needed to peel off my skin if I felt overwhelmed (still do lol), why kids didn’t want to be friends with me and thought I was weird, why I was so susceptible to teasing and why I couldn't stand up for myself, why I always pretended to fit in even though I and everyone else knew I didn’t. 

I think I deserve to grow more now, knowing all this. I know I’ve done and said a lot of stupid shit I'm not proud of, and I know it may be a copout to blame it on not being entirely sure how to navigate social situations or on kids being mean little bastards, but I sincerely think I've grown as a human just by realizing it hasn’t all been my fault like I've told myself for so long. I didn’t drive people away as a kid, I couldn’t help it if I acted out when I was overwhelmed or overstimulated or humiliated— I didn’t want to put my mom through hell when she too was young and overwhelmed with having her first kid. But that’s all behind me, and I think that knowing now where it likely all stems from, I should these experiences to get to know myself a bit more, and take care of myself. Forgive myself. 

okay now that I've cleared my sinuses with that hearty sob sesh... 🤷🏻‍♀️

[sillylittlevulpine]

15 Questions

Was tagged by @seradyn Thank you dear!! It made my day! 💜

Tags for people if you wanna try. No pressure! Just love you guys and wanted to let you know I was thinking of you!

💜💜💜💜

@savage-rhi @guildwarsgirl @hauntedadagium @herafizzbee @lunarlegend @bostoniangirl21 @ronkeyroo

1. Are you named after anyone?

My middle name was passed down to me from my maternal aunt. But my first name is all unique. I'm trans and took a piece of my dead name for the one I use now. I am thinking about swapping my middle name to Delta at this point. Cause I'm going for a legal name change and a legal adoption to cut ties with my family.

Like I'm an adult, but it would cut the legalities of needing my parents' info for financial aid and such without a hassle. I won't have to use their info or let them know about specific things. Etc etc

She's not blood related to me, but I thought having all ties cut from either side of my family would be great. My aunt is basically my mom at this point. And I love her dearly.

2. When was the last time you cried?

At about 1 AM this morning, I had a massive panic attack. And broke down pretty hard. But I've been crying several times a day at this point. Things have been rough. But I'm still fighting

3. Do you have kids?

I have plants and a fish. But as much as I love kids, I have a lot of mental health issues. And I don't feel like I could give them a good environment. My childhood severely traumatized me, and I don't want to even cause a small fraction of the harm my parents did to me. Of course, what they did was intentional. But I wouldn't ever want to cause trauma to a kid cause my mental health.

I'm also Asexual and would not have kids of my own. But I also have an autism diagnosis, and adoption would most likely not be a possibility. And kids that are up for adoption have so much on their plates and need so much love and support. I don't have the mental capacity or the spoons to give them what they need and deserve.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

No.. not me~

Yes, yes, all the time. Actually, I'm really bad about it, and with my autism people sometimes don't actually pick up on it.

I really love to respond to other people's sarcastic remarks with my own and they often think I misunderstood them. But they misunderstood me.

It's harder to pick up on when you've never met someone irl so I don't often do this to my online friends, so I don't accidentally hurt anyone. But I'm a sarcastic asshole to my irl friends.

Being an ass to them is how I show my affection, and then they respond to being even more of an ass to me. Then we laugh and do it some more.

5. What sports do you/have you played.

I was on a competitive soccer team, as a really young kid. Like ten years old, maybe??

I don't really like sports that you play in groups, but I do love to be active. I like going for runs just because. I'm not doing it for any good reason. I'm in good health. I just enjoy it.

I used to Rollerblade. I loved to jump rope.

Honestly, I've been tempted to get a gym membership, but I don't wanna be stared at.

Like not as a person who wants to get more fit, but I just like to exercise. It's fun.

6. What's the first thing you notice about people?

Their demeanor, their thinking styles.

I can see a lot about a person by the way they interact with their environment and other people.

What makes them happy, what are the things they seem so excited about.

I just love to see people being happy and bring themselves. It's beautiful.

7. Eye color?

Blue ^^

8. Scary Movies or happy endings?

Scary movies. No second thoughts. I love horror a little too much. Anything super dark.

But I don't like true crime. Actually I hate it. Feels weird to me to give bad mean people all this attention.

But I will drool over fictional villains all day every day with NO shame!

9. Any special talents?

I've got a tiny bit of a green thumb. I really love working with plants. And I'm really good with cats. But I'm also an artist!

I'm the tiniest bit obsessed with math, too.

10. Where were you born?

The USA. That's all the detail I'm willing to give

11. What are your hobbies?

Drawing is my main one as well as writing.

I listen to so much music it should be considered my full time job, a side hustle, and my second job all at once. I listen to music more than I do anything else.

But also Botany, Kalimba, piano, fish keeping, photography, gaming, reading (mostly fanfic at this point), poetry here and there, singing, working with dogs and cats, math and science.

12. Do you have any pets?

I had a cat, and though she's still alive, I had to leave her at my parent's house for several reasons. She's got my brother to take care of her. But I cry about how much I miss her and how I'll never see her again all the time. Her name is Angel, but I always called her Stinker or Stinky

But I also have a fish! Her name is Nyx, and she's turning two this month. She's a Betta and a menace to society. She's wanted for the murder of the aquarium plants. We have decided that any other life in the tank is forbidden. People keep telling me to get a snail for her tank they don't move fast. Like, oh, sweet summer child, she kills plants. She'd kill that snail pretty quickly. She attacks her hides. She doesn't NEED it to move. She just has the blood of a serial killer.

This child bites me the entire time I clean her tank and will chase bugs she sees on the outside of her tank.

She was a baby when I got her. Here's the contrast!!

I also have several house plants but I have too many to fit all the pictures so just take Bob Ross, cause he's my favorite.

13. 5'1" ... and a half! I gotta emphasize this!

14. Favorite subject in school?

Art, math, engineering, coding.

15. Dream Job?

I know people don't always dream of having a job. But I DO like to do specific types of work.

I'd love to pour my heart into the agricultural side of Botany. And study the science of plants.

Or be a mechanical drafter. Or an architect. Maybe a machinist. Makes some engine parts for cars and planes.

I'd love to code for video games. Or work on coding in general.

My mind is incredibly full and always busy busy. I don't like to sit still, and I have to do something that makes me think really hard.

I'd like to say I want to go into creature design for horror films. And I would, but not in the soul sapping way the industry does. I don't want them stealing my passion.

But working with some people I know to make something awesome to benefit and entertain people?? Absolutely!

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

With Mardi Gras coming up there is a lot of gay pride related adds and flags and posters everywhere and it’s a very odd time for me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.

On the one hand I think it’s great that we have gotten to the point where people want to advertise this stuff and that we live in a more accepting time.

Yet I always tend to feel disillusioned. Because despite all that I still feel so lonely. I still feel so isolated. I still feel as though I have no proper community or any place to go that fully accepts me. I still have a lot of trauma surrounding my sexuality and a lot of fear around my own people because of things I have gone through.

For many people Mardi Gras becomes a time of celebration where they can get together with friends or go to events or shoelaces their love. But it’s always been an incredibly difficult time for me. I WANT to participate in the festivities of it all, and not even taking into account my mental health issues, I just find it so hard to do. I think about doing it or talk about doing it but I can’t really bring myself too. Because I know I’ll just be overwhelmed by this sense of dread and loneliness. That it will send me into a spiral. I don’t want it to be that way though.

I just don’t feel as though I have a ground to stand on with how the community is at the moment. I feel scared and lonely and broken and different and like it’s not my community. Which just makes me feel as though I have nowhere to go. Then you bring in the loneliness and disconnect and PTSD - it’s a mess.

I wish it wasn’t that way. But it is. And I’m not too sure what I can do to change it. Because I know the problem lies with me. Though there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel for my sexuality, so it’s hard to keep walking. Because everything feels like a dead end with no sign of happiness or acceptance or inkling of the life I had wanted for myself.

[the-witchs-cafe]

TW: Mentions of pr-shipping and fictional, romanticized depictions of C//S//A. Do not read if you are below the age of 18.

--

Are we really gonna keep doing this?

As...much as this pains me to say this, but, after coming across some damning information, I have no choice than to ban all submissions related to Omori, as well.

Before I get into exactly why we're enforcing this rule, I have to make our stance against pr-shipping extra clear, so apologies for being incredibly blunt here; we do not endorse romanticized depictions of S//A under any circumstances- it is one thing to portray this sickening act as the horrifying experience that it is to the victims who were forced to endure it, but a completely different can of worms to keep on doing so and paint it as either "er-tic" or even "beneficial" (barf).

Yes; this is related to past drama, as well as recent developments that have surfaced within the span of the last few months. Do note that I wanted to give Omocat, the game's creator, the benefit of the doubt- believe me, I tried time and time again to help her prove that she has grown past these ideals. As someone who used to be associated with pr-shippers myself back when I was a minor myself, I knew how easy it was to fall down that slippery slope; how common it is within anime-related social circles, and how tough it can be to grow out of it. I tried to see the best in them- I tried.

Unfortunately, her promises of change turned out to be as empty as the plastic bags carried by the breeze; for those who aren't aware, the artist behind the officially licensed Omori manga is...rather infamous for their depictions of young boys being placed in rather unfortunate situations like the ones we have discussed above as well as inc-st. I cannot say any more due to how this topic is leaving a bitter taste in my mouth, NOR am I encouraging those who are reading this to go and look for their portfolio themselves; it's full of explicit material that can and will scar you for life thanks to the issues we have just mentioned, so, for the benefit of your own mental health, do NOT look them up. This is not a dare, nor is it an attempt at reverse psychology. Don't. Fucking. Search for it, y'hear? Good.

This news is as upsetting to me as it is upsetting to the fans of the game reading this; as a victim of abuse myself, I felt seen in all the characters within it as well as its overarching plot. I saw myself within both Sunny and Basil from the way they have dealt with both their traumas and how bluntly they portrayed the path to healing can be. I wished for Omocat to stick by their promise of change and doing better because I thought that, with the story being the way it is, that they knew how much it sucked to be a victim, but strap them in a suit and bring them to congress because now we have yet another presidential candidate in our hands.

I am so sorry for rambling yet again. I will try and do better next time.

[xtrablak674]

Debilitating Mental

Good morning Ms. Stone, while at the supermarket this morning I realized that my mental health can be monitored directly by seeing how often I am journaling and taking self portraits versus when I am not. Something that has been hard for me to determine is when I am having a depressive slump. I've gotten better, but this is something more tangible which makes it clearer. • 8:32 AM

Good morning. Is the correlation that you take more pictures and journal more when you're feeling in a better state or is it the inverse of that? - Ms. Stone iPhone) • 8:42 AM

Its exactly that, when my mental health is better I journal more and do my little mini-photoshoots when I go to the supermarket. The screenshots show the last three months and June. June and July I was nearly writing about something everyday. But these last two months my writings have continually diminished. • 8:52 AM

I haven't heard from you as much either.

Has anything specifically happened or do you think this is just a low swing? - Ms. Stone (iPhone) • 8:53 AM

The default of my depressive phases are withdrawal.

This is the thing that truly drives me crazy, my last few months have been relatively the same, no dramas, traumas, upsets or anything. And I understand that depression needn't have a specific trigger. Its just hella-frustrating when you're doing a good balance of exercise and diet and you take a depressive tumble right on your face. • 8:57 AM

I was contemplating whether I wanted to even post this discussion, but Ms. Stone asks such good questions, and I love the very meta-nature of using this mini-blog as a way of gauging how I am doing mentally.

None of this was really news to me, I used to be a window-seat demon, perched up there from the time I woke up until the sun stopped shining on my bare backside. Over the last two months, after I get in from my walk its like I never leave the bed, using it a a chaise after making it up. Taking in my television shows on my back as opposed to jacking into my Yamaha speakers for a more deluxe audio-experience.

Seriously, I thought I was just going through a new phase in my apartment where I just wanted to be more horizontal through the day, but over the last week or so I have felt my energy diminish so much that once in the bed, it was a trial to get up and leave it, even for the most innocuous of errands like flipping an album over or getting a drink of water.

I am known to have seasonal depression on top of my garden variety depression or dysthymia, and albeit we have literally moved from Summer into Fall, my mood change is usually relegated to the Winter equinox, when the amount of sun we are getting severely changes. I have noted also during the last couple of weeks I have been sucking up sun like Krypton's favorite last son, making sure that I was always position on the bed to catch the most rays.

The one thing I haven't done is talk about this depressive dip, and it was only my realizing my journaling was directly related to it that I shared it with Ms. Stone. I realize she has her own struggles with mental health issues and I thought my struggles could possibly shed light on her own, and assist her at some future time.

The other thing is I don't really see the point, the only other folks I am interacting with are the children, and I don't think it appropriate for me to bring up such a burdensome topic on folks who are still learning to navigating their own bodies and brains. Then there is that annoying purview of novices in the mental health arena, always asking you how you are. Which isn't really helpful. Life-Kit on NPR did a really good episode of how to approach depressed people or maybe it was anxious folks and interact with them.

I realize that I have become more isolated as I have gotten older, and generally speaking I don't have an issue with that. The thing that drives me a bit crazy is the fact that I don't have any control over when a depressive bout will show up and even with all the tools Ms. Kennedy gave me, I can sometimes still find myself at a loss, no matter how well I was doing previously, and this can be extremely frustrating.

[Photos by Brown Estate]

[poeta-nascitur-non-fit]

6/23/2024

The grieving process fucking sucks, which is stating the obvious, but having never really been confronted with this depth of grief, I'm just untethered. I can only hear "there, there" so many times before I just want to scream. I know that folks genuinely want to be supportive and show sympathy but people never know what to say in such situations, so it all comes off awkward at best and insincere at worst.

There's no magic word. Nothing is going to bring my mother back. I just can't cope with her being gone. It doesn't seem real and it doesn't seem like it SHOULD be real. Here today, gone tomorrow. It's like the worst kind of dream and I'm not waking up.

I was having a nightmare roughly around the time that she died on that day. I can't remember it now, it's vague, but I know it was tied in with a specific triggering real-life memory, not related to my mother in any way. What does one have to do with the other, the nature of that nightmare and my mother dying simultaneously as I was having that nightmare? I don't know. I always come back to thinking that it's something like "sensing a disturbance in the force" when I have premonitory dreams like that. That's assuming that I buy into the belief of premonitory dreams, which I half do, but then I know the answer could be as simple as there's no answer, it doesn't mean anything, it's a coincidence. But the whole sequence of events, whatever it means or doesn't mean, has had me fucked up since it happened. Haunted.

My mother's life was nothing but trauma and pain and fear up until the end. When she was as strung out as she was at her worst, I resigned myself to it being a slow suicide on her part. That was 100% the case at the time. Then she got clean. But the physical damage she'd done to her body with innumerable substances over the course of half a century was already done. She was clean and "healthy" for maybe a year at most before her health totally fell apart. She spent her last year and a half alive in the hell on earth that was a state run nursing home. I was effectively the one that helped her get clean in the first place. But there at the end I couldn't help her anymore, there was nothing else I could do for her at that point. It didn't help that while she was under nursing care, she never followed up with numerous specialists about critical things with her health. Her body and soul were done fighting. Then, she was gone.

Am I angry? Should I be angry?

I COULD be angry. I could let some kind of festering resentment for her negligence as a mother for all of my life creep into my psyche. I could hate her. Most people probably would.

But it's impossible for me to hate her or even be very angry with her in the end because of just how fundamentally broken she was as a person, from so much trauma that happened to her through no fault of her own. From childhood on, she never had a chance. I'm convinced of that. I know we shape our own lives by what we do with that trauma, but she never had the tools to cope or heal or do better. She didn't know what "better" looked like.

Am I just making excuses for her? I don't know anymore. Could she have tried harder? Yeah. I know she wanted to. She told me that she wanted to. She failed. I just don't think she had the mental and emotional wherewithal to figure it out, especially not after she started drowning her misery in alcohol and pills.

I was told to "feel my anger" as that would be the way to heal my grief, but I don't HAVE any anger towards her in me anymore. I think I spent years being angry with her but I just eventually got over it, which was shortly before she died. I started to see the whole picture, and it wasn't black and white. I don't think there's much to be gained by stoking up bad feelings about it all over again.

I'm struggling with a lot right now, in any case. It's been a difficult six months, between her death and my insane family and other big life changes.

I think about going back to therapy sometimes but I don't want to waste hours upon hours talking myself in circles about my emotions to someone when I could just do that on my own time, which I do all the time already, anyway. I don't know what there is left for me to "get" from therapy after having been taught plenty of CBT and DBT coping skills over the years. Some of that has been helpful, but there is endless information online for me to reference and utilize without having to be given handouts and worksheets by a therapist. Been there, done that. I don't think there is a secret answer to coping. You figure it out on your own terms. It's a process. I am sorting my shit out and as usual it's taken me a couple of nervous breakdowns to get a feel for what to do and where to go next.

I ask myself a lot "what would my mother do/say?" The answer always ends up being some idealized version of what I think she should've said. In reality she fucked up a lot. Maybe searching for the answers in my mother's memory isn't the answer. Maybe there is no answer. There's only do or don't do. I fuck up a lot, too, but I guess that's life. Live and learn.

I'm trying to figure it out. I just know that I can't literally tuck myself into bed with my depression and do nothing anymore. I'm just now pulling myself out of a week's long depression spell. I'm visiting my family but I've been cooped up for a week inside the house because of a heatwave with temps between 90-100 F. It is too hot to do ANYTHING but stay where there is air conditioning. On top of that I always give in to daytime naps which are more like extended sleeps. Four or five hours. But I took caffeine pills last night to last through the day today, to just do anything but sleep. So far, so good. I'm blogging, such as it is, which I really did want to get back to doing at some point. I suppose that's now. No better time than now.

Take one day at a time, baby steps, yadda yadda. Insert more snappy platitudes here.

I read Ron's blog all the way through for the first time in a decade. I didn't tell him. It's quite a diary of fucked-up-ness spanning through his breakup with his ex and losing his kids. Things got bleak back then. There's a little bit of light in there, too, but there was a reason he abandoned that blog. I can't blame him. Having ten years worth of perspective on who he is now really illuminates where he was then. I'd forgotten a lot of the details in the intervening years.

And what about us? Now?

It's been a rollercoaster of a decade. There have been a lot of struggles. We are STILL struggling. But I am trying to be hopeful. I have to be hopeful. God help me. God help us both. It will take a miracle for us to both get our shit together at this point.