#copious amounts of twilight references

[bokettochild]

if i may ask, for febuwump if u don’t mind, day 15 twilight asking “who did this to you” to a whumped legend? and then protective big brother mode activate

Oh boy, I had SO many ideas for this one! Apologies for it being (checks wrist only to realize I'm not wearing a watch) late? By....time? Anyways, here's some brotherly bonding! (And copious amounts of Twilight having friends because I can!)

Rating: Teen

Wordcount: 5,792

Summary: Being a big brotehr is stressful, and sometimes, Twilight just needs a break to go and be a person. When one of his brothers needs him most though, he's willing to drop everything. Although, in the end, it's not all bad.

(Warnings: References to alcohol and social drinking)

-

As a rule, Twilight loves his little brothers. 

No matter who it is or what they’ve done, or even how much they might drive him up the wall on any given day, he loves them all the same and will always be there for them. Still, he’s only a man. Sometimes, as much as he loves those who he’s found as family, he also wants to get away for a bit and be not just a big brother, but more. 

At Telma’s, he’s the hero, but he’s also the country boy who doesn’t know the city well yet. He’s the daredevil, because they've never met Wild or Warriors and they don’t know how much worse it really could be. To his friends, he’s the wild one, and for once, he’s not responsible for watching out for any of them. In fact, if he didn’t know any better, he’d guess they all feel the need to keep an eye on him. Ashei definitely does, all things considered, and Auru likely does as well. Considering he’s the youngest of the group though, son to one and young enough to be the child or grandchild of two others, it makes sense. 

So, naturally, after a long day on the road with the other heroes, one where Wild has been not quite a pain in his ass but definitely a challenge, no one can blame him from wanting to get away from the champion a bit. 

“It’s not that I don’t love the kid,” he tells the others, “But Ordonia’s Horns, does he try my patience some days.” 

“What did he do?” Ashei’s dark stare flicks over him, lips twitching in what, for her, is a greatly amused smile. “Climb up a freezing mountain without proper gear and nearly get killed?” 

His tankard hits the table harder than is really necessary, and he’s definitely not pouting as he stares back at her. “You’re never gonna let that go, are you?” 

She just blinks at him, face unchanging. 

Twilight sighs, running his free hand over his face and shaking his head at the same time. “No. He’s a smart kid, amazing at survival an’ he’d never make that kind of mistake. Well, not now.” Brows raise, but he quickly explains. “I’m sure near the start of his adventure he had to learn somehow, but as young as he is, he’s pretty exceptional in all things survival.” 

The familiar clucking of Shad’s tongue announces the arrival of the scholar, who drops without a care into the free seat beside him, smile loose and, to anyone else, haughty. Twilight knows that smile though, knows it means mischief, and he’s not wrong. “And yet we got stuck with you, when we could have had someone so capable!” 

Maybe, in the earlier days, he would have smacked the other for those words. In the early days he certainly would have wanted to, and he would have meant it too. Now, the urge to jostle him like he does with Warriors when the other teases him is still very much there, but he resists it. Shad may be close in height to the captain, but he’s not accustomed to taking blows, and a smack from the ranch hand may or may not actually leave him still sitting in his chair.  

Instead, he settles for knocking his boot against the man’s ankles, staring at him pointedly. “Yeah, I’d love to see him launch yer skinny ass up to the sky islands. Don’t know if you’d survive the trip though.” 

“But he’s a hero, saved a princess didn’t he? You expect me to believe he doesn’t know how to handle other living people?” 

He snorts. His understanding of the younger hero is filtered through uncanny dreams that, apparently, show him things that actually happen between them in the future, in the cub’s era, but even if he doesn’t hold them as memories of his own (not quite yet) he does know how Wild treats his princess. “I once saw him push his princess down a mountain, so...” 

“What?” Auru stares at him, and Twilight is abruptly reminded that their present company is not just people his own age who the shock factor works on, but also elders who might actually experience heart failure at some of the stories he could tell about his cub. “She was standin’ on a shield an’ they were doin’ this thing called shield surfin’. Worst she got was a face fulla snow when she skidded into a bank.” Somehow that doesn’t assure the elder very much. “She was laughin’ when we got her out, and she pushed herself down the next time.” He adds, watching Auru relax at least slightly at the words. 

“Well then, it’s clear they were doing it in good fun,” Shad answers. “He doesn’t sound so bad.” 

“Are you a princess?” He teases back. “Gee, Shad, I must have missed the tiara! Where you been keepin’ it?” 

Unlike himself, Shad takes no issue with smacking him for his jesting. Unfortunately for the scholar though, he can take a hit, and at worst it just feels like a slight stinging from the impact. Shad, on the other hand, cradles his hand like it’s been broken. 

Ashei shakes her head at the man, sipping from her tankard with a sigh. “You really should know better by now.” 

“I forget!” 

“You forget he’s a wall of muscle when you’re looking right at him?” Telma teases, waltzing over with a drink for Shad and offering a warm smile to all of them. 

Twilight takes the opportunity to flip the glasses of his friend’s nose. “You need a better pair of these if you’re that blind.” 

Shad squawks, fumbling for the fallen spectacles. It takes a moment, and his flailing almost ends up with them falling in his drink, but Ashei catches them neatly and offers them back. It's only when they're on the scholar’s face again that he turns to Twilight, huffing. “Why must you do that?” 

“Because I can.” 

And this is just what he means. He’s not the elder sibling here, he’s not in charge, he’s not the reliable one. To these people, he’s the young pup who beat Ganon, the country bumpkin up from Ordon who sees the city as a wonder and a giant. He’s just Link. 

Not that he resents his brothers for needing him. No, he’s glad to have a place and to know what’s expected of him, to be able to do something for them. Still, sometimes he doesn’t want to be the level-headed, well-behaved example for the younger ones to emulate. Sometimes, he wants to be as crazy as his protege. The problem is, he can’t do that with them watching, he can’t when doing so jeopardizes the trust Time has in him to help keep the younger ones in line and out of danger from their own crazy exploits. 

Here, he can be a bit crazy. Here, he can let loose. Here, no one can see him being a wild young man in his twenties. So, he enjoys it. He laughs and he teases and he and Shad go back and forth for the next hour or so with jabs and jests that have the others all rolling their eyes or sighing at them, stares heavy but not nearly as cold as they might appear to a onlooker. 

It’s a good night all told. By the time they’re all getting up to leave, Auru’s already gone home, and Telma’s getting a start on cleaning up the bar for closing. Shad’s had a bit too much, although not enough to leave him a babbling mess, just a tired one, and Twilight and Ashei are left to shoulder the scholar and haul him back to his own home. 

“I could haul him myself.”  

“I don’t doubt it,” Ashei hums from where she has Shad’s other arm around her shoulders, “but we’d never hear the end of it if he found out you princess carried him down the street like a maiden.” 

He sniffs. “If his pride’s that sens’tive, that’s his fault.” 

Her lips twitch into a little half smile. For Ashei, that’s the equivalent of a cackle. “It’s bad enough being seen with a country boy who could crush him, being treated like a woman as well hardly helps his masculinity.” 

“Again,” he chuckles, maybe slightly tipsy himself, “ain’t my fault he’s fragile.” 

Dark eyes slide to stare at him, but his friend says nothing ore on the matter. There's not much more time to say anything either, since Shad lives relatively close to the bar anyways, so getting him home is hardly a lengthily journey. Getting into his place to drop him off is a bit of a mess, as Twilight does have to support the scholar long enough for Ashei to pat him down for his keys, but once she’s got them and unlocked the door, he does take the chance to sweep the smaller man up in his rms and carry him through the door, even as the swordswoman watches while shaking her head.  

Once Shad’s laid in his bed, shoes off and tie loosened only because Ashei is a dear and not because of any kindness on Twilight’s part, they step back out into teh street together, pulling the once more locked door closed after them. 

“He’s going to be pissed.” 

He chuckles. “He can live with it.” 

A gauntleted arm nudges against his, protected against impact unlike the scholar’s hand, and much stronger too. “You say that because you’ll be gone by morning and don’t have to deal with it.” 

“You could be too,” he reminds her, “he’d never dare follow you up into the mountains.” 

This time, the rough nudge actually makes him stumble. Maybe he is tipsy. He’s about to protest at teh rough treatment, or tease, he’s not sure exactly what it is that’s on his lips because it slips away in an instant when a soft noise, a familiar sound that is his utter weakness, sounds on the flagstones of the alley not far from him.  

Ashei must see his ears prick up, face turning towards the sound, and she already knows, because one perfect brow raises with all the grace and authority of the captain. “Cat?” 

His moving feet are his only answer. 

She sighs. “Do you have to pet every one of those things that you see?” 

“Yes.” 

Despite her protests, she trails after him, watching as he peers around the alley, crouching low to find the fluffy creature. “I don’t understand why you like them so much. Aren’t you a wolf? Shouldn’t you prefer a dog’s company?” 

“I can enjoy both!” 

Ashei sniffs. “Dogs are better.”  

He turns to her, affronted and maybe, slightly offended. “They are not!” 

“You turn into a dog,” the words are flat, “shouldn’t you take that as a compliment?” 

“I’m not a dog,” he sniffs, “I turn into a wolf, and I’m still me under the fur, so it’s different anyways. Most dogs don’t act like that.” 

“You chase your tail.” 

“I had to learn to blend in so people wouldn’t suspect anything!” 

He doesn’t deign to meet the look that’s fixed on him, but he knows precisely what it is: brows raised, chin lowered, eyes flat and simply waiting for him to cave and admit she’s right. Uli pulls the same face on Rusl when he says something dumb, and he’s seen Telma do it too. He’d say it’s a woman thing, but he’s pretty sure he’s seen Warriors do it too, and Four as well, so saying that would be a very good way to get his ass kicked. Shad might be unable to do much damage, but Warriors can and has thrown his ass across the camp, and could probably do it again. 

Instead of saying anything, he keeps his eyes open, ears flickering about to catch any further hint of where the critter in the alley is hiding he thinks it’s a cat, but it was a muffled and very brief sound to begin with, so all he knows for sure is that it’s something small with paws. Crouching low and clucking his tongue softly usually draws them out, but this time there are no such results. He’s almost about to give up and accept that the sweet little thing had maybe slipped away already when Ashei’s hand catches his shoulder suddenly, grip firm. 

“What-” 

“Look,” her other hand points down at the flagstones underfoot, “blood.” 

Playfulness and excitement bleed away to a firmness he usually only takes on in battle, and he turns his attention to the spattering on the stone rather than the slight shuffling he’d thought before, although he doesn’t dismiss the noise either. “Fresh too.” 

Dark eyes meet his own, a silent question. 

Usually, he’s against using his crystal in public spaces, but it’s late eough at night, and in a seedy enough part of town that he doubts anyone’s lingering around the area to see, and if they are, they’re no good anyways. He shifts, fur and claws taking over in a now familiar twisting and aching. It doesn;t hurt anymore, no more than like stretching an unused muscle, and it only takes a moment to settle into the wolf’s body that’s as much his by this point as the hylian one he prefers. 

“I’ll follow you.” Ashei tells him, hand drifting to her hip and the sword hanging there.  

She’s ready for trouble, and he is too as he sets his nose to the ground and tries to follow the trail that is invisible to human eyes, but clear as day to him as it winds and twists around the small space they linger in. Whatever left the trail isn’t human, he knows that quickly. The scent trail springs off of walls and rubble in the streets in ways only the most skilled of fighters could achieve, and even then, likely not when injured. It’s fresh still though, like he said, so it’s not as though it fades out quickly, and it’s only a few minutes before he finds it’s end amidst some fallen crates around the corner. 

Something from within the pile of discarded containers shuffles, the same slipping of paws against stone, and rapid little breathes that sound in time with a pitter pattering heart. 

He shifts back. Wolf form is easier to use to track things, especially when his head is slightly fuzzy from alcohol, but for small animals, it’s not always the most welcome sight. A hylian with kind hands and gentle eyes is easier to accept in his experience. 

“Here?” Ashei asks, brows raised. 

He nods. “Not human.” 

She relaxes. He doesn’t. Animal death isn’t anything she worries about; she’s a warrior, a fighter, if the animals die, then they do. People are her priority. He, on the other hand, would prefer to avoid any unnecessary death if he can help it. Maybe it’s because he knows what it’s like to be on both sides of the matter, but unless strictly necessary, he doesn’t care to be a witness to or cause of death.  

Her hand slips from her sword and she stays back as he crouches low again, carefully shifting the crates and clucking softy. “Hey there, little ‘un. You okay?” 

The air seems to go still for a moment, and somehow, he knows his voice has made the creature freeze, but a moment later, as he shifts the boxes, wary lest they suddenly shift and crush the little injured thing, it seems to settle again, and the softest little questioning ‘mrrrp?’ sounds from within. 

“It’s okay,” he soothes, voice lowering, a soft rumble that rolls gently off his tongue and through his throat. Usually, it works on most animals, unless they have bad experiences with men specifically. Here, it seems to have the preferred result, and the softest brush of paws on stone touches his ears as he moves another crate. 

As the wood lifts away, he nearly drops it again at the sight that lies before him. 

“What’s wrong?” Ashei’s hand is moving to her sword again, likely as a result of the tension that’s jumped back into his shoulders, the way his ears have flicked back to press against his skull in horror. 

He doesn't answer her. Instead he’s all but throwing the crate away and reaching into the space between splintered wood. The motions are maybe too sudden, he reminds himself belatedly, for handling an injured creature, and the flinch away from his touch drives the point home. His heart wrenches somewhat at the way long ears press back and little paws stutter against stone, violet eyes squeezing shut in a wince. 

Two thoughts flicker in his head. How is Legend a rabbit, and what is he doing looking bleeding out in an alleyway as a rabbit? 

“Shhhh,” he tries to soothe, “it’s jist me, jist me, okay?” His eyes flicker over bloody pink fur to dark eyes that stare up at him, shining with a fear he’s never seen from the other before as a fluffy little chest rises and falls with breathes that would be dangerously fast for a hylian, but even for a small rodent are concerning. 

There’s a lot of blood, and he means a lot. 

“Who did this to you?” He can’t help the soft sigh in teh words, the almost coo. Small animals are most definitely his weakness, and small injured animals, even if they’re actually grouchy teenage boys, are definitely worse. His brother just looks so breakable and delicate, and the crimson matting fur together and staining the stone is just making his heart clench up even more as he reaches out. 

From behind, Ashei’s feet pad softly over, wary, but knowing her, she’d know he wouldn’t address anything threatening in that sort of voice. Still, she does recoil slightly, shock briefly flashing across her face as he manages to get a hold on his brother’s changed form, carefully lifting Legend up into his arms. “Is that a pink rabbit?” Her voice catches slightly, which is frankly impressive; she’s usually never so expressive. 

He nods, and while last time Legend had protested loudly at being picked up and handled like an actual rabbit, this time the animal form of his brotehr nestles down into his arms with a soft shudder, head resting on the crook of his arm even as wary eyes lift to stare at the swordswoman who’s likewise fixed on him.  

“What in Hylia’s-” 

“He’s hurt bad.” 

“It’s a rabbit in Castletown, are you shocked?” Reason seems to be slipping over to cover shock as she turns her eyes, flat once more, up to stare at him instead of the critter in his arms. “There’s dozens of dogs in this neighborhood, and while most have probably ever seen a rabbit before, they’re still hunters by nature.” 

The words twist in his gut. Not because he hadn’t realized; he’s changes into a wolf, he knows what sorts of urges come with the canine form, and while he might laugh it off, there’s still a part of him that, when in that form, lunges at the chance to chase small things, to get his teeth into them and shake them. He’s more man than beast of course, so he doesn’t really give into it unless he’s starving for food and a hunt is truly needed, but even then, there’s still part of him that recoils at his own actions. He’s been the one hunted before though, chased and tracked and lunged for by those who’d rather use his pelt to warm their families then let him so much as walk past them in the street. 

Still, as a wolf, he’s got teeth and claws to fight back, if he wanted to. The creature in his arms, his brother, doesn’t have that option. Legend's teeth and claws can barely draw blood, and by the time he’d gotten close enough to even try, a dog’s teeth would already be snapping around him before he could do anything. 

His arms tighten around the shivering form in his arms. In the back of his head, he can almost hear Uli, back when he was a kid still new to Ordon, still new to trees and animals and anything that wasn’t sand and swords. He shouldn't scare little things, ever, she’d told him. She’d been holding a rabbit in her arms, one she’d somehow managed to catch while they were out having a picnic in the fields with him. He’d been in wonder of the glossy fur and tiny paws, but moving too fast, too harsh, and it was hiding it’s head in her arms to avoid him. ‘They’re not made to handle scary things,” she’d murmured to himself and an equally awed Colin, who was only three at the time. ‘their little hearts might explode if you scare them too much.’ 

It’s slightly an irrational fear, considering Legend isn’t actually a rabbit, just transformed into one, but the words still ring in his head as he cradles the broken little body in his hold. 

Ashei’s stare is blank as it turns back to his little charge, lips twitching downwards briefly. “You’d be better off putting it out of its misery, Link. It can’t survive here, and you can’t take it with you.” 

The very idea makes his stomach, heart skipping up into his throat as he recoils from his friend, body shifting by instinct alone to shield his little brother from her cold stare and colder words. “No!” 

“Link...” 

“He’s not just a rabbit!” 

“How much were you drinking?” 

The implication hurts a bit. He can hold his alcohol better than that, and he hadn’t had very much at all. He knows better! He knows Sky would have words for him if he came back drunk, especially after the trouble they’ve been having with keeping certain heroes sober. “No, I’m serious! He's....” the words slip outr of his head for a moment as he turns his gaze down to dark eyes that are squeezed closed in pain. “He’s...” 

“I’m not a rabbit.” 

He’s never seen Ashei’s eyes widen that much in his life, nor her move so quickly, sword half drawn and feet scrabbling back in shock at the fact that rabbit in his arms just spoke. 

“He’s like me,” he tries, soothing one hand down blood matted fur, and realizing at the same time that he should probably do something about the damage done to the vet.  

“A shifter?” 

“A hero,” he corrects, attention now on finding the source of the blood. “And yes, he transforms when exposed to dark magic.” 

“Can he turn back on his own?” She moves closer, apparently assured by his words, even though her eyes are still fixed on the pink rabbit that can talk, likely wondering how much more insane her night is going to get. 

Twilight shakes his head. “Not without a source of light magic.” 

“But you-” 

“I have control over the crystal, and practice. He’s...different.” 

There, he’s found it, the source of the blood. His heart twists up more, somehow, when he identifies the familiar marks left by sharp teeth. It could be his own work if it was a size or two bigger, and that particular thought has his stomach lurching yet again. There’s more bites than one too, and one paw seems to have been crushed, hanging oddly and when he jostles it there’s a bitten off cry of pain from his brother’s altered form. 

“He doesn’t look good.” Ashei states grimly, ow crouched at his side and staring intently at the injuries and violet eyes that squeeze closed as rapid little breathes shake the tiny body in his hold. 

She’s right. “Is there some sorta animal doc ‘round here?” 

Raised brows. “We aren’t a country town, Link.” 

“But even city folk have horses and shit, right?” 

Ashei frowns, gaze slipping free of his own. “Horses, yes, but smaller creatures-” 

“What about Agitha?” 

A flat look. “She’s a child, and her interest is insects.” 

“Small beings that she believes are magic,” he corrects, already shifting to his feet, cradling the fluffy form in his arms with all the care he’d use with Uli’s littlest. Legend doesn’t protest the movements either, although that might just be because he’s in too much pain to do so. “A talking pink rabbit is going to make her night.” 

Following his lead, the swordswoman stands, dusting herself off with a little sigh. “It’s worth a shot, I suppose.” 

The path to the self-proclaimed princess’s house is a short one, which is the main cause of his choice to see her, that and, like he said, her love of small magical beings. A rabbit and a butterfly are very, very different, but he’s counting on the quirky nature of the girl to overrule that logic like it does with most things. Sure, putting his hopes on a twelve-year-old with questionable logic isn’t maybe the best choice he’s made in his life, but considering he took the advice of a warrior killed in battle on how to beat Gannon, no one can exactly argue that his logic is sound either. 

If anything, Agitha is awake, and when Ashei knocks at the door, it swings open quickly, revealing swinging pigtails and a bright smile that’s just slightly off-putting. “Ah, brave knight! You’ve returned!” 

The look Ashei levels him with could probably kill a lesser man. 

The bug princess swings the door open wide, smile even wider as she cocks her head on one side. “Welcome! The Princess of Bigs is happy to let you enter her kingdom!” 

“Thank you,” he bows his head slightly. The best course of action here is to play along. He’s not sure why Agitha is like this, but going along with her game doesn't hurt anyone, even if it used to drive Midna crazy. Still, she’s a kid, and he’s used to kids, good with them too. “I come seeking the princess’s help.” 

“A knight needing help from a princess? How queer!” She giggles into her hand, but then stops. It’s like her whole person stalls for a moment, eyes falling on the bundle of pink in his arms. “Oh my, what’s this you’ve brought here?” 

He exchanges a look with Ashei, and in return, she just stares. 

“This is an enchanted warrior,” he tells the girl, “he’s been cursed into this form, and injured badly. We thought, since you are princess of the creatures of the small kingdoms, that maybe you might be able to aid him, even if he isn’t one of your subjects.” 

He can feel the groan building up from his companion, but she doesn’t release it, thankfully. Agitha probably wouldn’t notice if she had though, gliding forwards slowly with features pinched up into an honestly adorable pout. “Oh, the poor, poor little warrior!” She coos. “Yes, I am not princess of the mammal world, but I do not have a heart of stone. Here,” her arms are thrust out, open and waiting, “allow the Princess to help him!” 

He’s more hesitant than he’d like when handing over the vet’s beaten form, but Agitha handles him with surprising care, shushing and cooing as she strokes back long ears, whisking around to head off deeper into the room. Twilight trails after, leaving Ashei at the door, as the woman does not appear to be at all interested in plunging further into the insect castle. He’s cautious with where he puts his feet and keeps his distance, also wary of his surroundings. Meanwhile, Agitha lays the vet’s rabbit form on a tabletop and, with quick kiss to the brow that would be very ill advised considering the blood there, she darts off to grab something from one of the many nooks and crannies about the room. 

It’s honestly impressive, considering her age and the general doubts he has for her sanity, how efficient the insect princess handles the injuries presented to her. She shows little worry for the blood that gets on her dress and many accessories, humming softly to herself as she set bones with ease that’s almost scary and binds up wounds with care that he’d almost mistake for the skill of an actual healer. Once she’s done though, she’s scooping up Legend’s little body and settling him back in Twilight’s arms, a smile on her face as she winks up at him, one finger pressed to her cheek with a coy little smile 

 “Lucky for you, Mister Captain Hero taught me a thing or two on treating wounds! He’s all fixed now! Make sure to let him rest and give him lots too eat, okay? And lots of pets!” She claps her now blood stained hands, smile still shining. “He’s such a darling thing! He deserves all the pets in the world! Oh, I wish you could pet bugs, but there’s so little of them to pet, and butterflies die if you pet them...” 

His smile is stilted, but he manages to bob his head in thanks all the same. “Thank you, princess.” 

“Of course, brave knight,” he’s answered with a charming smile and a little curtsy, one that leaves bloody fingerprints on pink skirts. “If ever you find another such wounded warrior of the magical world, do bring them here. Princess Agitha will take care of them!” 

Ashei hurries them out the door before ‘Princess Agitha’ can say much more than that. Honestly, he’s thankful. She’s not a bd kid, but she’s kind of off-putting if he’s being honest. Legend’s face buried in his arms indicates that he too finds the girl somewhat off-putting, even if he hadn’t spoken at all since they alley. 

“That child is insane.” Ashei pronounces once they’re safely away again. 

It’s strained, but he finds himself laughing slightly, hand dragging over long ears as he walks and resisting, strongly, the urge to rub his face into long fur. “Yeah, prob’bly.” 

A side glance is fixed on him, feet not stopping on the well known path back past the bar. “Will you be going back to your inn now?” 

He nods, glancing down to find Legend is staring up at him as well, gaze hazy from either pain or exhaustion, he’s not sure. “Yeah. It’s pretty late, an’ i still need to get him changed back before the others realize he’s missin’.” And then, as an after thought, he adds, “I know the way back.” 

“You had a bit to drink.” 

“Ashei,” he laughs, strained, “no one’s gonna try anything on swordsman wearing wolf’s pelt, not if they have an ounce of sense! ‘Sides, it’s not far off.” 

Her stare is heavy. 

“I’m fine. If anythin’ as the man here, I ought to be offerin’ to walk you home!” 

Weight is nothing in comparison to the sharpness in those eyes. “Watch it, Ordon.” 

“Yes, miss.” 

She shakes her head, dark hair somehow not so much as swishing with the motion. “Have a good night.” And then she’s heading off, not even bothering to wait around for his echo of her farewell and instead disappearing around a corner up ahead, pace faster than his own as he tries to keep steady and not jostle the brother in his hold. With her gone though, it’s just Legend and himself, violet eyes truned up to stare blearily up at him. 

“We are gonn talk about this later,” he warns, even as he sets off towards the inn again. 

Legend shifts, ears flicking slightly in answer, but he doesn’t talk. If anything, the rabbit in his arms curls in tighter, defensive.  

“I’m not mad,” he’s quick to assure, foddling long ears gently, “but you scared me there, vet.” 

Still no answer. He resigns himself to silence as his feet carry the two of them down the mostly quiet streets of Castletown and back to the inn, one hand still running through silky fur, careful not to catch on where it’s still matted with blood.  

“Here’s hoping Sky doesn’t have our heads for wakin’ him.” He sighs as they come to the door, and he has to stop his petting of pink fur to push it open. “Hopefully the rest are also asleep, cuz I ain’t got an answer for any of this.” 

The rabbit in his arms snorts, but th head that’s been lolling into the crook of his arm raises to butt against him gently. It startles him. 

So many years ago, Uli said that was how rabbits indicate affection, or ask for more pets. Good grief, how out of it is Legend: Mister-Don't-Touch-Me-I-Will-Bite-You? There’s no way to know though, but he doesn't look a gift bunny in the mouth, and he’s only too happy to continue his petting as he takes the stairs up to their room, nodding briefly to the wide eyed inn-keeper as he goes. 

Tomorrow, he will have to ask Legend what happened. Tomorrow, he will have to adopt being a good, responsile big brotehr who gets to the bottom of things, but for tonight, he’s simply content to try and turn his brother back to a hylian, get a potion down his throat, and head to bed, leaving the adult stuff to future Twilight. That’s easy enough too. Sky has questions, but is too tired to slur through them, and while feeding the vet a potion is hard with the other slumping against him so heavily, but they manage. They manage and then he’s slumping himself back into the bed left open for him. He sort of expects Legend to slip away after, but belatedly, he realizes that’s just impossible. Maybe it was the petting, since he’s been there and he gets how much it turns his muscles into jelly, but pink hair hits his chest the moment his back has settled into the mattress, and the hand that catches in the front of his tunic further cements that Legend isn’t going anywhere. 

Ah well, if Legend’s going to take up space in his bed, he reserves the right to keep running his hands through fluffy pink. If Legend doesn’t tell him to stop, he won’t. The vet doesn’t eitehr, just hums softly, curling in on himself and nestling into his side with a soft sigh that would almost, almost fool him into thinking his brother was still in his beast form. 

Tomorrow will be interesting. Explaining the blood on their clothes, where they’d been, and all else won’t be fun. But for tonight they can have a little more peace. The scare is over, and Twilight’s free for just a little bit more. And hey, the brief panic was worth it, especially considering he’s getting cuddles out of the deal! 

[andromedicasphyxiate]

Me: *raises my hand*

Vampire Coach Driving Professor: "yes, beautiful angel in the back wearing the SpongeBob t-shirt?"

Me (the beautiful angel in the back wearing the SpongeBob t-shirt): "thank you so much for the compliments professor!! You look amazing too in your vampire ass jacket, hat and cape!! 🩷🩷🎀🎀🧚‍♀️🧚‍♀️👼👼✨️✨️I understand the handout Professor, but I was wondering, is it okay to refer to my clients as vamp daddy or vamp mommy?"

Professor: *facepalming hard and then sighing defeatedly* "well. I suppose you could, but only if they flirt with you first."

Me: wheeeeeeeee 😍😍😍

Professor: *giving up completely and going into enabling mode to feed my raging emotional health issues (read: daddy/mommy issues)* "and if you want that to happen, make sure to put on blood red lipstick, and blush your cheeks pink, cuz, you know, vampires and blood and raaah (mimics a vampire attack) and yummy (rubs his tummy) and shit. And put your hair in an updo to expose your neck but make it messy cuz you don't want to look like a school principal. Unless you have the glasses to match, because who knows, they might be into that whole kink thing, like, dyu know what I mean? (I nod vigorously and all-knowingly). And if you are accepting payments in bites, make sure to only take 20% of the tariff on your first ride in bites and the rest in cash, otherwise you'll look super desperate and needy and that's not cute. You can do 30% in bites and the rest in cash if they hire you a second time and go from there. And PLEASE don't mention Vampire Diaries or Twilight because it's just pop culture swill and you think you're so precious that you thought of it all on your own but so did literally every other millennial tumblr bitch from the 2000's and like, they don't effing need that on their ride, and..."

Me(thinking that this is my favorite class ever and that this is the most knowledgeable and helpful prof EVER): *taking copious amounts of detailed notes*

Professor(after 28.5 minutes, concluding this section of the lesson): "....so yeah. That's the standard protocol one should follow to go down the whole vamp daddy and vamp mommy road. Oh, and lose that SpongeBob t-shirt. I happen to love it, but literally none of the others will--they'll think you're fucking ridiculous and maybe not even tip."

Fin.

[epic-potato-crisp]

Courtship - Part 3 (AjinWeek21/1)

Notes: So I decided to continue this for Ajin Week 2021! (although I was torn between making this a Sato fic cause you know. Hat.)

Day 1: Favorite character / summer break/ hat

Favourite character: Both Kei and Kou are among my favourite characters, Kei especially is one of my favourite protagonists of all time, and summer break, because this place during the sweltering time that is training camp. (fun! :D)

————————-

“Really?” Kei asks with growing annoyance as the vampire movie plays out on the screen in front of them. “Really?!”

“I can’t believe you haven’t seen that!” Kou defends himself, depositing the bowl of chips into Kei’s lap so his hands are free to adjust the volume.

“This is not what I had in mind when I agreed to…well, dating you.” Kei says, lowering his volume at the last three words that seem a little too foreign too pronounce.

“Why not?” Kou replies, “Movie nights are a super normal thing to do, not even for a date-“ He in comparison, has zero trouble adequately naming their current situation – “or with friends!” He smirked, which could never mean anything good: “Which you’d know, if you had any-“ Kou winces as Kei’s elbow rams into his side.

“I did have friends.” Kei grumbles through his teeth, stretching out his feet over the old and battered, but still quite comfortable couch. This is, surprisingly, afar more relaxing activity than he had initially anticipated.

Even if the movie is grating on his nerves.

“Why is everyone trying to befriend her?” he asks, exasperatedly. Bella Swan had made it perfectly clear that she was not interested in socializing from the moment she had arrived in her father’s rainy suburban town. And yet, in the first half an hour, not only had her childhood best friend shown up, she’d also been introduced to numerous classmates and faculty, and on top of that, was subtly encouraged to take a glance at a family of – vampire’s, that was his most likely prediction based on what he’d heard of the plot.

“Well, she’s new and people wanna get to know her. Nothing wrong with that.” Kou said diplomatically.

“Ugh.” Kei groans, and takes a sip of his coke. Eriko had always tried to make him watch these movies, which, if he was correct, were five in number, because apparently it was no enough to have a fourth movie. No, it had two be dragged out across two volumes. So far, he had been able to avoid it. Until training camp.

“Which you’d know, if you’d had-“

“Shut the fuck up.” Kei snaps, and the mood sours for a moment.

“Right, right, I’m sorry.” Kou says, after a beat of silence, and then his hand reaches over to grasp Kei’s.

“Is that really necessary?” Kei mutters, feeling his cheeks heat up. He prays that the darkness of the room, only lit up faintly by the TV, serves as enough cover.

“Well, it’s a date, right?”

“Stop saying that all the time.”

“Date. Date. Daaate.” Kou sing-songs, grinning at Kei knowingly.

The latter glowers: “Are you in elementary school?”

Kou laughs. He still doesn’t let go of Kei’s hand.

Kei feels his heartbeat quicken, ever so slightly, nervousness manifesting in the pit of his stomach. He chalks it up to the unfamiliar situation. After all, he really doesn’t know whether the movie will provide suitable entertainment for the next one and a half hours. There is no way it has anything to do with Kou.

At least, it shouldn’t.

“If you could choose between being a vampire and an Ajin, what would you pick?” Kou asks, out of the blue.

The movie had ended just a little while ago, a pointless two hours and six minutes of a supernatural romance that Kei couldn’t care less for. It was a little past ten, and they were not finished for a long while, apparently, if the cover for the second movie, blinking traitorously in Izumi’s streaming library, was anything to go by.

“Not this again.” Kei sighs, “Do you spend all day on these unlikely scenarios?”

“It’s that not unlikely.” Kou argues, “Come on, a few years back, you didn’t even know Ajin existed! And now you’re one!”

“Of course I knew they existed. It’s part of the school curriculum.” Kei deadpans, this particular lesson still rather unsettlingly fresh in his memory.

“Which you’d know if you’d gone to school.” He adds, acidly.

“Wow, harsh.” Kou pouts, “I did go. I just…dropped out. There’s a difference. Everyone knows that.” He mumbles.

“Keep telling yourself that” is on the tip of Kei’s tongue, but he swallows it down, if only to retain the peace. And perhaps because he would feel the tiniest bit guilty further prodding at that sore spot.

But school is something he does not want to think about for a good while again. The memory brings only pain. Betrayal from his classmates, from teachers, a jealousy- one that Kou would never be able to comprehend - on missing out on education that is a given for his former classmates.. A High School degree that he will never receive, if the government has any say in it, after all the years and effort, the hours of studying and revising he has put into it. A bleak future with all paths to prestigious medical universities blocked irreversibly. His only crime had been crossing that road that day. If only I could be reborn, Kei thinks miserably, then I could get a new chance. chance. He is in dire need of a new identity. Perhaps he can later guilt Tosaki into creating one for him.

“So circling back to the topic at hand, vampires.” he says, reluctantly.

“Heck yeah.” Kou agrees, excitedly, “So?”

“There are pros and cons on both sides.” Kei shrugs, “If you were a vampire, you wouldn’t be able to age and have a career, build a reputation. You’d have to get a new identity every few years. That sounds like a hassle. And don’t get me started on the…blood lust.”

The vampires and even humans in the movie had looked hungry in a completely different way whenever that topic came up. As though sucking your body’s circulatory system dry was desirable under any circumstance. Kei shuddered at the thought.

“You mean, you wouldn’t be able to build a family, live out your life with your friends, that kinda stuff?” Kou asks.

“I was referring to the important things, but I suppose.” Kei says loftily.

“Yeah, well, you’re wrong about that. Even vampires enjoy having relationships.” Kou argued.

“Debatable.”

“Bella seems pretty happy with the Edward guy.” his teammate emphasizes, “No matter if he’s a vampire or not.”

“But it is going to be a problem in the future.” Kei argues, “Honestly, she should have just stayed with Jacob and been done with it. It’s a suitable match, why put in any extra effort? She’s just going to grow old while he stays young forever.”

“Figures you’d go with the childhood best friend.” Kou mutters, flicking crumbs of his trousers.

“What?”

But Kou – strangely, for once in his life- doesn’t seem to haven an emergent need to elaborate further on the matter.

Kei probably should have said something a long time ago.

Perhaps he should have stopped Kou from starting the blasted second movie, but “Kei, it’s not that late! And how else will you know how it ends?” (Apparently, never was not a viable option.)

So here they are, sitting through another two hours of what Kou calls an “iconic classic” and Kei under his breath refers to as trash, but not the recyclable kind.

The cinematography is stunning, he has to admit begrudgingly, and the plot, albeit ridiculous, still manages to draw him in enough for him to forego his plans of turning the movie off several times, which is quite bothersome.

Well, fine then, Kei thinks to himself, at least now if Eriko badgers him about those movies again, he can give her a detailed review of every single logical error he has discovered so far.

He is considering starting a list, just so as to have some backup proof. His little sister’s education doesn’t have to suffer any more than it already had.

“Is she really going to sit around for months and wait for him to come back?” Kei complains, grabbing a fist full of popcorn from the bowl Hirasawa had made for them, “That’s a complete waste of time.”

“I don’t know, don’t you think some people are worth waiting for?” Kou threw in, giving Kei a knowing -sort-of-look that he couldn’t place.

It was the first sentence he had spoken in a while. Apart from his rambling monologue to get Izumi to join them a while prior when she came in to check if the streaming service was working.

“Did you see these movies already, Izumi-san?” Kou had asked and Kei surely hadn’t imagined the blush pinkening her cheeks.

“Oh, those? Just…once.” she’d replied, her voice sounding a little too high-pitched for that to be true, “It all seems fine, so I should get going-“

“Ah, already? Take a seat, take a seat!” Kou says generously, gesturing to the couch, “You need a break too, right?”

And Izumi did, albeit only tentatively on the edge. “I’ll be gone in a few minutes.” she promises.

She lied. Fifteen minutes later, she is still there and Kei doesn’t have the heart to kick her out, despite this being a a date, as he not so subtly communicated to Kou via verbal cues – all of which the other successfully ignored -but then, he bitterly thought, what chance did their pseudo-trial stand against Kou’s immortal woman of his dreams?

His thoughts screech to a halt. What does he even care what Kou thinks about either of them? It was all beyond ridiculous.

“It depends on how long you’re waiting for them.” Kei says, in response to Kou’s earlier question, “What about you, Izumi-san?”

“I think some relationships are worth preserving.” Izumi replies meaningfully, but right before she can say anything else, her phone goes off, the Caller-ID flashing with a familiar name.

“It seems Tosaki-san needs my assistance.” she says, barely concealing a wistful sigh, “Have fun you two.”

“He really needs to stop working you to the bone.” Kou complains.

Kei has the decency to feel guilty about the relief that settles in him when she leaves.

The motorcycle ride looks engaging. An activity Kei himself wouldn’t mind doing, seeing as there was zero risk involved to his safety with his newfound Ajin status.

As he verbalizes all of this, Kou gives him yet another of these knowing looks.

“Well, you were always one for motorcycles, weren’t you?” he says, tone bordering on smug.

Kei frowns. “Where did you get that idea from? I’ve only ridden one so far, but that was with Kaito.”

“I know.” Kou says, and then downs the rest of his coke.

“Refill?” he asks, holding out his hand for Kei’s glass.

“Sure.” Kei says, passing it over. He eyes Nakano skeptically, for any hint as to why his demeanor kept fluctuating.

“Here you go.”

“Thanks.” Kei cautiously takes the glass from him. Their fingers brush, lingering just a second too long to be casual. Kei notices how the tips of Kou’s ears redden and uses his momentary distraction to his advantage.

“You really hate that Jacob guy, don’t you?”

Judging by the look on his teammate’s face, he hit the nail on the head.

“I, uh, well hate is a kinda strong word.” Kou hesitates, stumbling over words, “He’s just not my favourite.”

“Really?” Kei asks, raising an eyebrow. In all honesty, he isn’t very interested in either of the characters, but psychoanalyzing Kou is what gives the evening its spice.

“Why is that so surprising?” Kou pouts.

“Because he’s just the same sort of muscle-brained idiot that you are.” Kei responds, gracing Kou with an exasperated look, before turning back to the movie.

“Oh.”

His words seemed to have had a profound effect on his teammate. Whatever sort of enlightenment had reached Kou, it had visibly brightened his mood.

“He is, isn’t he.” Kou says, with a small laugh.

“I don’t know why that is so surprising.”

“Guess I never thought of it that way.”

Which was exactly why it fit so well, Kei thinks to himself. Kou looks positively thrilled with the new discovery. As much as it pains to admit him, a lot remains about his teammate that he still doesn’t understand.

“I think he might be becoming my new favourite character.” Kou says, conspiratorially, sliding closer to Kei and slinging arm around him.

As the movie goes on, Kei starts to feel more and more tired. The comfortable atmosphere and the constant stream of voices from the TV serve to lull him a sleepy state. “Wake me up when they reach Italy.” he mumbles, the exhaustion of another day spent training finally catching up with him.

Kou mumbles an affirmative, and that’s where Kei’s memory cuts off.

The next thing he knows, someone is prodding at him from the side, instructing him to wake up.

“Fine, five more minutes.” Kei says, swatting the offending hand away.

He blinks as he comes too, shielding his eyes against the sudden brightness of the room.

The movie has ended, but even if hadn’t, Kei wouldn’t have been able to see much of the screen.

Not with Tosaki blocking their view.

“It’s almost 1 am.” he informs them through clenched teeth, “Get upstairs before I sever the internet connection.”

It’s a substantial threat. Substantial enough to briefly distract Kei from the fact that he had fallen asleep right on top of Kou.

“Fuck.” Kei swears under his breath, sitting up straight.

His teammate seems less perturbed.

“You missed the ending.” is all Kou has to say for himself, with a shit-eating grin.

(“It really is pointless.” Kei whispers, later that night, as they are both lying in Kou’s bed, a hair-brained decision that Kei blames his tiredness for.

“The whole being with a vampire. She can’t be, unless someone turns her into one, but that would be the epitome of a ridiculous clishé".

“…”

“Oh God, please tell me I’m wrong.”)

[echosong971]

GOOD EVENING. YOUR "VOID FRENZY" HEADCANONS. HAND THEM OVER 🔫

GEEZUMS OK-

so um.

for me to talk about my headcanons for Void Frenzies, I gotta first talk about the Void and how it relates to Nightstalkers especially, cause, y'see-

The Void is a quirky lil thing.

There are numerous accounts and lore bits that talk about how the Void is, even though it's technically Light, almost like an entity unto itself.

"...I've discovered another little trick to getting in good with that yawning mouth of nothing we call the Void: exhaustion. When I start slipping into that twilight, where I'm not sure if I'm awake or dreaming, I can feel the absence. It's close enough to touch. I guess it doesn't matter if it's literal or metaphorical. The Void just likes it when I'm running on empty." - Nightstalker

"The Void ain't special. It sure is creepier than Solar or Arc, that's for sure. But it isn't special. Just show it respect, thank it for a lovely evening, and make sure you always pay your bill. So to speak. Then you've got nothing to worry about. See?" - Shard of the Traveler (Nightstalker)

"There are those who see the Void as dark. It is the folly of the simple mind, unable to perceive the brilliant richness of nothingness. The Void is not only the absence of Light, but Dark..." - Apotheosis Veil

Even further, countless lore tabs talk about the risks of using the Void and the reasons why it can be detrimental to use, especially for Nightstalkers, who balance on the knife's edge of powers and abilities that could prove to be exceptionally dangerous if not exercised with paramount discipline:

"I've had a dozen Hunters ask me why it's so hard to summon a Dusk Bow. I asked 'em what they thought of the Void, and their eyes told me everything. You can't be afraid. That's the secret. No fear." - Tevis, Log Entry 19338

"Picking it up is the easy part, Hunter. Putting it down again, well, you’ll find that it’s addictive, that power. This weapon is something special. Your Light gets twisted. Changed. You find the power to punch through and borrow something from the other side. The Void opens up a hole, and draws from the deep. Go ahead. Carry it a while, Hunter. You’ll feel how heavy it can get.” - Cayde-6, The Nightstalker's Trail

"Doesn't matter how good you are—you stay out there too long, you're not coming back. Not the same way you left, anyway." - Tevis Larsen, Graviton Forfeit

So I asked myself, what happens when a Guardian does go too far into the Void? What happens when the Void they take from finally decides to take something back?

And that's when the idea of Void Frenzies came to me.

So, how do they work?

I imagine they happen to Nightstalkers more often than Sentinels or Voidwalkers just due to the nature of their class and how it works, as well as my own personal knowledge being more expansive when it comes to the Void subclass for Hunters compared to Void Titan and Warlock. So for brevity's sake, I'm going to solely be referring to Nightstalkers for this. Although y'all can feel free to add on your own thoughts on how this might happen for Sentinels and Voidwalkers!

There are a few ways that Void Frenzies can be triggered, but more often than not they tend to be caused when a Nightstalker overtaxes themselves and overuses their Void without giving themselves room to breathe or time to calm down. Huge bouts of emotional turmoil and/or copious amounts of stress can also make a Nightstalker more susceptible to snapping thus triggering a Void Frenzy.

The telltale signs of a Void Hunter experiencing stress that, if it becomes uncontrollable, could lead to a Void Frenzy are as follows:

Living things such as trees, flowers and grass begin to die and wilt around them and any living creature feels like its energy is being siphoned from their body, mirroring the effects of the power we know as Devour.

The temperature of the air around them suddenly drops and turns stagnant. It's not just cold, it's also thick and musty. Unnaturally still. Entropic. Dead.

Void energy begins to course along their arms and face. It creeps under their skin like dark tendrils that they seem to be unable to control, as if it's infecting their very body. The Light underneath the skin of Awoken Guardians turns a dark purple. Their eyes, and the lights in Exos' mouths and optics, turn a brilliant violet, and their sclera—the whites of their eyes—turn black. Energy seeps from their eyes like thick, smoky tears. Purple smoke also can escape from their nose and mouths, even billowing up from the hollow cheeks of Exos.

They seem distant. Hungry. Tired. They become far more prone to spacing out. More often than usual. The Void likes when they run on empty, and the emptier they are, the stronger their connection to the Void becomes until, without proper discipline and control, it consumes them.

When a Void Frenzy occurs, it begins with the Hunter expelling a MASSIVE amount of Void energy around them as if they were casting a Super. Void Light bathes their form and often times will manifest in bladed weapons that look much like Spectral Blades, or in some cases, claws. This varies from Hunter to Hunter.

After this point, they have slipped into the grasp of the abyss and it will refuse to let go. They're only goal will to be to kill and consume as much energy as they can to feed the insatiable appetite of the emptinesses gaping maw. They cannot differentiate between friends and enemies and will attack anything that they see. The Void does not discriminate between energy sources and now neither do they. They do not control the Void anymore. The Void is in control of them. They are ferocious, insatiable, and extremely dangerous and will not stop consuming everything in their path until they either pass out or get shot.

The only ways to combat a Void Frenzy is to wait until their own energy has become exhausted and they burn out (which is not recommended as trying to contain Hunters in a Frenzy has proven to be nigh impossible), by suppressing them with the very energy that is controlling them and thus severing their own connection to the Void, or by killing them and allowing their Ghost to rez them so that the Light bathes and grounds them. The Vanguard tends to opt for killing Guardians in Void Frenzies on sight as it acts as a sort of hard reset that has proven to be the most effective and reliable method for quickly snapping a Guardian out of a Frenzy without causing too much extraneous stress, trauma or damage.

Guardians that have suffered from Void Frenzies are often given a one to two week mandatory leave of absence from their duties—the length being determined by the severity of the incident—and are encouraged and given the resources to take care of themselves until they have recovered enough and feel fit for duty.

In the fight against the Darkness, the last thing they need are Guardians losing themselves.

[fbfh]

Nico di Angelo nsfw alphabet

as with all nsfw/smutty/sexy content, all characters are aged up to 18+

words: 3.2k

pairing: nico x (mostly) gn reader (one mention of the word coochie as a joke cause it's pretty hard to talk with dick in your mouth, but it can reference whatever hole you'd like, a few mentions of the phrase going down on someone but that's just slang for oral so it's still gn)

a/n: so I went way overboard with this!!!! It's like 6 paged in google docs and took me a few days to do but it was so fucking fun send in more characters for me to do nsfw alphabets for!!!! kinda wanna do Leo next but when don't I title of your sex tape

also it's not/barely beta read or proof read because I have no brain today :)

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Aftercare king. Like, seriously. Dating him is like dating the anime vampire boy you saw on google images and got a crush on in middle school. Everything he does is riddled with tenderness and yearning and romanticism and lust. He’s still so affectionate, kisses fluttering over your skin like skipping stones, hands massaging and caressing you, that it almost feels like you’re still having sex. That’s how tender and hands on he is. He mutters all these flowery words, switching between english and greek and italian, and everything he’s saying is so pretty that you think he’s quoting someone. Nope. All improv babey. That’s the kind of feelings you invoke in him.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

On himself, he likes his like… mouth and jawline. Sometimes when he smiles he sees his mom and sometimes a little bit of Bianca. Tied for first place is the two little lines on his stomach that your fingers brush where you take off your shirt. Sometimes he traces over where your fingers brush when he remembers your touch. On you?? I know saying everything is kind of a cop out but jesus christ,,,, listen, he really likes the way his hands fit on your hips, especially when your legs are wrapped around him. I’ll leave it at that.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

He used to be really embarrassed when he would cum. He’s such a service… I was gonna say service top but like, he’s just totally there for you - more on that later - so when you make him cum it feels so amazing he used to think he wasn’t being a good lover??? Like if he’s feeling this good he must be being selfish in bed??? Very much not the case and you got that ironed out real quick. Now, especially after all that, it feels like one of the most intimate parts. If he possibly can he’ll try to time it so you cum together, but it doesn’t always happen. No one’s complaining.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He has a vampire fantasy and no I will not be taking constructive criticism on this. The theatrics, the romantic lusty gothic vibes, the glorification of the dichotomy between life and death????? Also between being a kid during world war ii and being a demigod, the whole immortal without being a god thing really appeals to him. It will be a long and difficult process for him to be able to admit this to you, in spite of how much he wants to. When he does, you’re more than happy to indulge him.

It’s like… it’s not even “ooh i’m a sexy angsty vampire i have to bone you before I feed from you to get your blood pumping” [cough cough twilight nsfw cut aka the fic 50 shades of grey was made out of] [also edward cullen is NOT a top so already off to a rough start there] it’s much more of like… “I’m a beautiful sensitive dramatic ass vampire that wants nothing more than to be loved but alas i’m too intimidating… and yet? This beauty isn’t scared off by me? I must prove my devotion to you by going down on you and reciting poetry into your coochie”

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Okay okay. He doesn’t have a lot of practical experience, but he has done copious amounts of research in the form of tender romance novels written mostly by women. He was still a kid when he was in the lotus casino, so by the time he was interested in learning about that stuff, he basically had no family and had pushed away all his friends. Yikes. He did, however, consume tender romance novels aimed at women at light speed. Like, I read all 70 chapters of this slowburn fic in one night energy. And these all have a very romantic take on sex and intimacy, which already appealed to him a lot, so after a little practice, he’s able to hone these theoretical skills into something really amazing. After your first time he was like ‘sorry that was probably pretty bad, it was my first time’, you’re like ????? you literally didn’t believe it was his first time, that’s how loving and amazing he is.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Nico really does love any position where he can hold you close and pepper you with kisses and whisper things into your ear. Also ideal if he can gaze at your beautiful form. His words.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Not strictly goofy or serious, mostly focused on making you feel every good feeling he can. If he makes you giggle a little, that means you’re happy, so he’ll take it. Usually giggling is instigated with outlandish plans for the future, like “let’s run away to a private island” or “we should buy an old castle in italy so I can be your fairytale prince” etc. all with a you deserve the world my love overtone.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

It’s surprisingly hard to find specific historical information on men’s body hair grooming, but I was able to find some information. So, presumably, he keeps things well groomed. I feel like he gets really scared of getting cut or getting those little bumps when he shaves, so he’s very meticulous to make sure he does a good job.

I know this is supposed to be mostly about down there hair, but I feel like the same principle applies for other body hair and like, facial hair. Stubble was pretty out of style in the 30’s and 40’s, so he probably shaves his face every morning. I feel like he tried to grow out a pencil mustache at one point, but you both agreed it didn’t really suit him. Sometimes if he gets busy, he gets a little stubbly, and you think it’s incredibly hot. Another reason he likes keeping his face shaved is because he loves kissing you a whole lot, and doesn’t want to scratch your face. Or other areas.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

He can make every moment feel intimate, just by the way he looks at you alone. During the actual heat of the moment he literally makes you feel like every single corner of your body is filled with love. He has this specific type of adaptable sensuality that somehow makes every single moment perfect. He can do something as simple as hold your face and sigh slightly, and you’re filled with more emotion than you’ve felt from the last several very good movies you’ve watched combined.

No matter what you’re doing, just holding hands or having him absolutely wreck you on the coffee table, you just feel this intense energy pouring over you like a waterfall. He’ll let out these little moaning sighs and sing your praises in the same breath. Romantic intimacy is so ingrained in him it really is woven into everything he does with you. It’s pretty much the basis for the way he expresses love for you.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Usually only if you two are apart for a while and he’s really missing you. If he has to leave on a quest or some other business and he has the feeling it’ll be longer than a day, he’ll take a memento with him, probably like one of your shirts that he sprays with your perfume or cologne or body spray or something. A lot of times when he’s feeling ~lusty~ for you, he’ll write you a love letter first. Sometimes he gets so wrapped up in what he’s saying and feeling that he gets so overcome with lust and missing you he has to do something about it.

If palming himself and finishing the letter doesn’t work, he’ll take a shower to ‘cool down’ but keep making the water incrementally hotter. One thing leads to another and he can’t stop imagining you in that warm steamy shower with him, how you’d kiss his neck and trace your fingers over his abs, and how tightly he’d hold you, and the little breathy sighs you’d make when he kisses you and caresses you in just the right places… of course nothing compares to you, and he’ll definitely bring those fantasies into reality once he’s in your arms again.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Praise, giving and receiving. All he wants is to make you feel as amazing as you intrinsically make him, so when you tell him how good he’s doing???? Oh my god it adds fuel to his already roaring fire. A little praise goes a long way with him, so start off slow or it’ll be too overwhelming. Giving praise comes as easily as breathing to him, and often overlaps with body worship. He does these so naturally he doesn’t even really realize they’re kinks. Like, Hozier levels of adoration and praise and body worship.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

He loves the spontaneity of doing the classic sweep of the arm to clear off a surface to bang on. Coffee tables, kitchen counters, against a wall, anywhere spontaneous that’s usually not for banging on that says “I am so overcome with lust I must express it to you right now and can’t possibly wait to get to the bedroom”.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

He’s very touch starved and love starved, so the simplest acts of affection can make the rube goldberg machine of “wow you’re so amazing and I love you so much and I need a way to express these overwhelming feelings…. How about… making out with you and caressing you tenderly” get going. If you take it a step further and really instigate something by running your hands over his torso, brushing the hair out of his face, or pressing kisses to his neck, he’ll react immediately.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

It’s probably obvious at this point, but love and emotional connections are absolutely critical to him, so I don’t think he could do anything with hard domming, or something where the sexual aspect is more about power and control than expressing love. I also don’t think he’d really be down for some of the stuff that’s considered more extreme, anything that would cause harm, or anything that would hurt you at all. You’re too precious to him for him to let any harm come to you.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

If you give him oral he will not even know what to do with himself. It’s a whole new level of euphoria. He doesn’t even know what to do with himself. You can get out some of the most amazing noises so easily it’s almost a little surprising. He’s total putty in your hands (and mouth). If you’re okay with hair touching he’ll grab your hair or the back of your neck with a gentle, firm grip. He’ll literally be a writhing mess beneath you and it’s really incredible. He will absolutely return the favor, and then some.

He will give you oral practically at the drop of a hat. The skill he has is… unmatched. He’ll massage your hips and thighs gently in a way that somehow feels really relaxing and also amplifies everything he’s doing with his mouth and hands. He’ll moan into you, his tongue finding the perfect spot over and over, genuinely enjoying this as much as you are. Knowing he’s giving you the same type of euphoria that you give him really brings him more and more into the moment. He could literally go down on you for hours and still crave more, so he definitely lets you set the tone for how much. If you just let him go crazy, I’m sorry babes, but you won’t be able to walk for several days.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Moderate to fast paced, incredibly sensual. Even when he’s practically grinding against you at light speed, it will still feel like the most steamy heavy romantic thing ever.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Okay, listen. At first glance, you wouldn’t think he’d like quickies at all, however, he is an any time any place kinda guy. He can make hooking up in a broom closet feel like your fucking honeymoon. He’s fully prepared to sweep you off your feet and make your legs shake at any given moment, then go back to pick up dry cleaning like it’s no big deal.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Absolutely game to experiment, especially if it’ll make you happy. He’ll take some risks, especially if the reward of making you happier and feel better than ever is greater than whatever the risk is, which it usually is. He’ll let you take the lead with experimenting a lot of times, being more than willing to try whatever fantasies or desires you have. All he wants to do is indulge you, which he does frequently.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Tied for most stamina out of the entire demisquad. He could probably go 4 - 6 times in a day, lasting between quickies and over an hour, if you wanted to. Oh my god, I hope you’re ready to be really sore. Like, look forward to it. He never gets tired.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Initially, I don’t think he really has a lot of toys for himself, but if you have any you like, he’ll become very well acquainted with them. Once he breaks that ice a little and sees how fun they can be, you’d better believe he’ll go on a shopping spree or two.

He’ll start surprising you with toys, lingerie, anything that makes him think of you or that you mention you like or want to try. You’ll come home, and see a sleek shopping bag containing a few black boxes and some tissue paper. You start to open it and feel Nico’s arms around your waist, breath fanning across your neck. “I hope you like it, cuore mio…” he’ll murmur, already pressing kisses into your skin. He smiles into the crook of your neck when you gasp, eyes landing on the first of many surprises.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Listen, he doesn’t tease you intentionally, he’s not mean enough for that. Usually he ends up caressing you and rambling about how much he loves you and how good he wants to make you feel at a time when he can’t immediately follow through. Unfortunately, you’ll both just have to suffer with these lovely thoughts swirling around your mind until you can find a time and place to take action. Which, depending on the circumstances, can be much more of a priority than other times.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

When he can be, he’s very loud. Circumstantially, that’s not always the case. When he needs to keep it down, either due to a quickie or other people being nearby. When that’s the case, expect a lot of low, stilted moans, breathy sighs, heavy breaths, and low growly rumbling moans. When he can be louder, he definitely will be. Breathy pants, loud moans and exclamations, rambling praise and curses like strings of christmas lights. If you give him oral, that’s probably when he’ll be the loudest, whining and writhing, yelling ‘oh god, tesoro’ so loudly you end up with a noise complaint or two.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but he loves when you take off his shirt. Like, he’ll go feral if you slip your fingertips under the hem of his shirt, tracing your way over his abs and chest while you slowly lift it off. Like, that’s one of the things he looks forward to most when he reunites with you after not seeing you for a while, it’s one of his favorite things you do. If you want to make his brain full of serotonin and make his pupils all lovey and dilated and focused on you, this is exactly the way to do it.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Listen, I personally believe that all demigods have either fucking schmeat or a gorilla grip, so following that logic, Nico’s got a lot going on. He’s big and girthy, with just the right amount of veins. Even when you’re just bumping and grinding, he still makes you feel so full. He can fill up every inch of you, making you feel so complete. You have no complaints.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Very high sex drive. Very very high, astronomically high sex drive. Dating Nico probably means you’ll be among the first of the demisquad to break that ice, somewhat of a shock to all. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: “any time any place” -Nico di Angelo probably. He can and will sweep you off your feet and make you see stars at the drop of a hat. Utterly obsessed and in love with you, and always looking for an opportunity to show that off. You could literally wake up in the middle of the night and start kissing his neck and feeling him up, and he’ll wake up with a moan and this blissful smile, immediately turning to reciprocate. Since your sleep schedule is so fucked up from all that, you end up taking a lot of naps together.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

After his amazing aftercare, he’ll fall asleep somewhat slowly. He’ll usually be tracing his hand over your arm or back, maybe through your hair if you like hair touching, in complete and utter adoration of you. He likes to fall asleep after you do, but sometimes he’ll doze off before. He’s never slept better than he has in your arms. He has a history of astronomically shitty sleep, but when you’re wrapped up in each other’s arms, he suddenly loves to sleep again. If he needs some extra sleep, he’ll nap with his head in your lap or on your stomach. Just having you there makes him feel so at peace. I don’t know if it’s actually possible to smile while you’re asleep, but he comes as close to that as physically possible, all because of how comforting your presence is to him.

[hansolmates]

svt masterlist✨

all m.list sets are made by the wonderful vivi @eerieedits​   

fluff -  ✨  angst - ☁️  smut - 🍑  completed - ✅  personal favorites - 💕

one shots / drabbles

-camp clover  ✨☁️ 💕1.7k not everything is green and lucky at camp clover, feat. camp counselor!chan

one shots / drabbles

-I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you (m) ✨ ☁️  🍑  6.5k feat. fwb!Vernon, flangst, and copious amounts of movie references

-Twilight Moonbeams and Befuddlement Droughts: a Hogwarts!AU ✨ ☁️  6.9k feat. hufflepuff!Vernon and ravenclaw!Reader, and the oh-so-powerful love potion (dun dun dun)

-drunk on youth (m) ✨ ☁️  🍑  8.4k feat. fratboy!Vernon (but a sweet one), seven(teen) minutes in heaven, Jeonghan is the best wingman

-the boy next door (m) ✨ ☁️  🍑 💕 14.7k drabbles: #1, #2, #3 (m?) feat. roommate!Vernon, friends-to-lovers, and some sexy stuff

-you’re my cure  ✨  2k feat. sick!reader, oblivious!Vernon

-lazy morning haze  ✨  1.6k feat. a mutually exhausted couple, Vernon waking up reader

-baby steps (m)   🍑 2.2k feat. thigh riding. that is all. *combusts*

-sweeter than sweet  ✨ 💕 1.8k feat. fluff in an overpriced nightclub, kissing the night away

-miss guided (m) ✨ ☁️  🍑 💕 15.3k genre/warnings: alcohol/lang, fratbois and other west uni cultures, matchmaker missmatching, cliche plots galore!! teeny weeny angst alluding to prior social awkwardness, bucket hats, aaaaand 69 (bottles of bobaaaaa)

-blossomed (m) ✨ ☁️  🍑  12k genre/warnings: flangst, lang, wild generalizations of how tattooing works, gratuitous love for side characters, mild drinking, phineas and ferb references, mild foreplay

series

-test drive (eventual m) ✨ ☁️  🍑 genre/warnings: flangst, neighbors to friends, friends to lovers, fwb, cheating, unplanned pregnancy, potential toxic relationship 01

one shots / drabbles

-Late Night Distractions ✨  1.2k feat. university!Jihoon being shy shy shy and some UST

-Vilified: A Hogwarts!AU ✨ ☁️ 4k feat. slytherin!Jihoon on his way to be a potions master, silly spells and soft feelings

-what a cu-tea ✨  1.8k feat. barista!Jihoon who just wants to go home and avoid the cu-tea doing homework in the middle of the café

-zenith ✨ 💕 3.3k feat. robot!jihoon, slice of life w/ roomie!reader

-cherry contact ✨  3.3k fanart from @scoups-ofsuga​  jihoon has access to all versions of you—your credit score, shopping habits, work emails, and even your terrible tinder history.

one shots / drabbles 

-strawberry bubblegum (m) 🍑 3.6k feat. sex shop worker!Hoshi w/terrible generalizations of college parties, playful interaction, phone sex, slight dom themes, use of penetrative sex toys, squirting

-vowels and veracity (m) ✨ 🍑 5.2k after a blind date that makes you feel like a giddy teenager all over again, you’re forced to grow up and take a chance when you realize that special someone is your daughter’s kindergarten teacher.

one shots / drabbles

-days in the sun: a disney!au  ✨  ☁️  2.1k feat. beast!wonwoo

one shots /drabbles

-Fear, of falling in love ✨  ☁️  685 feat. architect student!Mingyu, saying “I love you” for the first time

-Denim and Drive-Ins ✨  541 feat. your classic drive-thru drabble

-Fleeting ice, fleeting touch: A Hogwarts!AU ✨  1.8k feat. hufflepuff!Mingyu, boarding school dances and Quidditch tournaments

one shots / drabbles

-Good Enough ☁️733 feat. minghao-centric angst

-give me the night ✨ ☁️1.2k feat. exes to lovers au with a pining hao

one shots / drabbles

-Unnecessary Details ✨  624 feat. future-husband Lee Seokmin

one shots / drabbles

-afflatus; (n) a divine creative impulse or inspiration ✨  3.5k “I went to museum to get some inspiration and then I saw you staring at one of the paintings in awe and wow you just noticed me drawing you and this is awkward.” AU feat. art student!Jun at the MOMA

-Cayenne ✨  6.8k feat. greasy!duo and some spicy hot chocolate

-Wrapped up in the Moment ✨  2.4k feat. Christmas vibes, UGLAY sweaters and Joshua teaching Jun the spirit of the holidays

-stupid cupid (m) ✨   🍑  ☁️  💕 8.4k After seeing your best friend get paired up through a matchmaking service, you can’t help but wonder about the credibility of this business. Wen Junhui, your resident matchmaker, can’t help but take on the challenge of setting you up with Mr. Right. (Un)fortunately it seems like that person is right in front of you. feat. crack, annoying!Jun, silly jokes, minor dom!Jun and use of penetrative sex toys

-you must be magical, because i’ve fallen under your spell: A Hogwarts!AU ✨  2k there was something about Gryffindors that unsettled him greatly.

one shots / drabbles

-Once bitter, and twice shy ✨ 1.6k On Christmas day they go on a mission to find the best hot chocolate in Seoul. feat. cocoa adventures and shy!Joshua

one shots /drabbles 

-Sunset Strip ☁️  1.2k feat. Jeonghan needing some self-discovery, sadness

-everything comes back to you  ✨☁️ 💕  6.7k  After a long-term relationship with Yoon Jeonghan, things get ultimately more painful when he insists that you guys are still suited to stay ���best friends”. Nothing’s grand about having your ex constantly coddle you, especially when he has his own terribly perfect life and you think you’re being dropped like a fading blip on his radar. feat. angst with a happy ending!

-touch of terror ✨ 3k   feat. trapped in a haunted house with the boy who you’re simultaneously attracted and terrified of

-chicken run  ✨ 7.3k you accidentally confuse your housemate for a complete stranger, but hey! it’s not your fault, their side profiles look very similar! unfortunately your guilt gets you caught up, and you’re left in a tangle as you and jeonghan get to know each other (flaws and all) in the ultimate goose chase as you two tiptoe around your simultaneous interest and disinterest for each other

svt!OT13

-the ways you said “i love you”  ✨☁️💕 6.2k feat. the thirteen ways seventeen says “i love you”

[shadynalittlesketchy]

A Guide to Vampire Media That Isn't Twilight, by Someone Who Consumes a Lot of It

I'm NOT here to bash Twilight, just provide some other fun bloodsucker media for y'all to enjoy :) if you have any recs of your own, hit me with those bad bois!

TV

Vampire Diaries- "a girl is torn between two vampires" is the plot for like 2 seasons but then it improves significantly. it's definitely very CW, but a lot of the vampire mythology is very very cool. and it doesnt hurt that the entire cast is ridiculously attractive. a great popcorn show! CW for blood and violence, parental death, and dub-con scenarios.

The Originals- a spinoff of TVD, but you don't really need to have seen TVD to watch this. It centers around the 4 original vampires (original as in like, the first vampires ever created) as they navigate vampire and other supernatural politics in New Orleans. Much less "teen angst" and much more "evil ancient vampires trying to be civil at dinner without murder" vibes. CW for blood and violence, and lots of spooky occult stuff taking place in graveyards.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer- literally my favorite TV show of all time. In addition to some killer vamps (team spike ftw!), there's weird demons, warlocks, werewolves- anything you can think of. it has great LGBTQ+ representation for its time, tackles social issues, and has a healthy dose of humor. CW for violence, supporting character deaths, vampire sex that destroys a building, and sexual assault.

What We Do in the Shadows- I don't usually rec comedies, but this one is too good not to. Loosely based off of the movie, it follows a group of vampire roomates in Staten Island. It is hilariously funny, and mocks just about every vampire trope out there. CW for copious amounts of blood, vomit, some pretty crass sexual humor, and dead raccoons.

True Blood- vampires in Louisiana, in a world where everyone knows vampires exist. it checks off all of my boxes for morally grey characters and weird supernatural happenings. it's an HBO show, so TW for blood/gore, violence, and soooo much sex and nudity.

Carmilla- technically a web series, not a TV show, but whatever. its lighthearted lesbian vampires, based off of the very old novella of the same name. great if you like vampires without the scare factor. and its free to watch on youtube!

Movies

What We Do in the Shadows- the movie the TV show is based off of. vampire roommates in New Zealand. also very funny, but less graphic violence/sexual references. created by and starring Taika Waititi, of Thor: Ragnarok fame.

The Lost Boys- awesomely cheesy 80's cult classic feat. Kiefer Sutherland with a bleach-blond mullet. it's fun and weird and has a cool aesthetic. it also has the same kind of vibe as the Goonies. TW for gore, and one icky scene with maggots.

Thirst

South Korean vampire drama with dark, aesthetically pleasing religious imagery. The mc returns from a mission trip with intense cravings for sex and blood and struggles to hold onto his humanity. super angsty and dramatic in the best ways. CW for copious blood and gore, spicy vampire sex, and sexual assault.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

a surprisingly good movie! has a fun, steampunk feel to it, and a pre-MCU Anthony Mackie, which is an added bonus. vampires kill honest abe's mother when hes a child, so he grows up to be an axe-swinging vampire slayer AND the president. this is not a movie to be taken seriously, but it is an awesome popcorn movie! CW for parental death, blood/gore, slavery (it is set during the civil war), and children in danger.

Interview With the Vampire

it is about as gay as a movie can get without the main characters actually being gay. it's a long, drawn-out story about a vampire and his life from when he's turned in the early days of america, until the present. the vampire is played by brad pitt, and he shares lots of longing glances and homoerotic blood drinking scenes with tom cruise. it is visually spectacular, even if the story is a little long. CW for blood/gore, child death, and sexual content.

Bram Stoker's Dracula

starring winona ryder and keanu reeves! it follows the book fairly closely, although it is a very 90s movie. it is WILD, but a classic and a lot of fun if you like vampires, or really any kind of supernatural shenanigans. CW for sexual content, and blood/violence.

Books

The Coldest Girl in Coldtown

non-traditional vamp book, by holly black (the same one who wrote the cruel prince). vampires live in fancy quarantined cities called coldtowns, and the MC ends up in one inadvertently. its a more dystopian/sci-fi take on vampires, but it still has a lot of traditional vampire fun thrown in, too. plus the cover is just gorgeous. CW for sex and violence.

The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires

probably one of the weirdest vampire books ive ever read, but in a good way. its about a group of housewives who start a true-crime bookclub, but begin to suspect that their new neighbor is a vampire. its a really good female empowerment story, and it also explores white saviorism. CW for sexual assault, racism, violence, and forced pregnancy.

Lost Souls

Poppy Z. Brite's books are like a punk-rock, gayer version of Anne Rice. lost souls has great queer rep, and is funny and weird and heartbreaking all at the same time. it's about the lives of vampires in New Orleans, but it's very unique and unlike any other vampire story out there. CW for blood/violence, sexual content, and sexual assault.

Dark Lover

this book is the peak of smutty vampire romance novels. I usually read books like this just for fun, but its actually well-written and has a compelling story outside of the smut aspects. It's about a half-vampire woman who teams up with a vamp to kill the slayers that murdered his parents. just ignore the fact that the love interest is named Wrath. CW for tons of smut, and blood/violence.

The Beautiful

I would describe this as a classic vampire story- romance between a human and a vampire in victorian-era NOLA, complete with costume balls, mysterious murders, and a secret supernatural club. CW warning for mild sexual content, and violence. (It's YA, so there's nothing too graphic.)

Love in Vein

A collection of vampire short stories compiled by Poppy Z. Brite, but written by a variety of authors. there's some really different takes on the vampire myth, and it's interesting to see it played with in so many different ways. just an fyi- it gets weird af and pretty graphic. CW for body horror, blood/violence, sexual assault, and sexual content.

Bonus! Mini playlist

Bloodletting by Concrete Blonde

Black No. 1 by Type O Negative

Cure by Darling Violetta

Blood in the Cut by K. Flay

Holy Water by Bad Company

Decode by Paramore

Uninvited by Alanis Morissette

I Will Never Die by Delta Rae

Devil Inside by INXS

Death of Me by PVRIS

Hypnotic by Zella Day

Cold Blooded by the Pretty Reckless

Savior by St. Vincent

Psycho Killer by the Talking Heads

Transylvanian Concubine by Rasputina

Virgin State of Mind by Ks Choice

How Soon is Now? by the Smiths

Red Right Hand by Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds

[thespiralgrimoire]

Would you consider posting your thoughts on the Twilight series? Because the bits and pieces I catch on your main are HILARIOUS though maybe it’s just because I find salt hysterical LOL

Oh good grief

Under a read more for my sake if not anyone else’s

The year was 2007. I was 11 year old, in 6th grade, nursing a substantial superiority complex over my classmates, and idolizing the 7th grade girls. This is where my story begins.

Now I won’t get into all the semantics as to why I was such an insufferable little garbage person in middle school, but I will tell you that I was convinced that I was not like other girls. While this proved true, my reasons as to why were completely off the mark in my tweens. Back then, I thought it was because I was smarter, wiser, and more mature than any of the other 6th grade girls in my class.

But not the 7th grade girls. The 7th grade girls were it, man. Nobody was cooler or smarter or more creative than the handful of ladies who were blessed with the patience to put up with my nonsense in middle school. So naturally, when they read Twilight, I read Twilight.

Twilight, if you have the good fortune to not be intimately aware of it by now, is about the Bella Swan, blandest girl in the entire world, moving to a small town to live with her emotionally awkward father, where she meets the Cullens, a clan of vampires who don’t drink human blood, because they’re trying to be morally upright. Her scent is irresistible to one of the vampires, (the only single one among them because the rest are dating each other) named Edward. Edward has the ability to read minds, and Bella is the only person he’s ever met who is immune to this power. I must stress again that she smells so good that he has to physically restrain himself from eating her, and murdering all witnesses. For reasons I can’t really remember now except “because that’s what the books are about”, they fall in love.

Here’s the thing about these books: Even as I was reading them, they gave me the creeps. Something in my little baby mind was vaguely aware that Edward was a messed up motherfucker, and Bella was a one-dimensional stand-in for the reader, and everything interesting in this story was happening on the fringes, facilitated by the far more interesting side characters. There were parts of these books that were uncomfortable to read. There were parts that made me seriously question why these books were so popular. There were parts that made it physically difficult to keep reading. About 3 things happen in the entirety of this series that feels good and satisfying, and none of them are things that the author, who I will derogatorily refer to as Smeyer, meant to be satisfying.

Two things kept me reading these books. The first was, obviously, the 7th grade girls, and my other friends in other grades who quickly caught the hype wave.

The second. Was the fact. That the writing style of these books, despite being the modem for a story that is absurd at best and a giant, flaming, stinking dumpster fire of bad takes, racism, and sexism at worst, is HYPNOTIC. A lot of my opinions about this series have changed drastically over the years, but this is one that I was acutely aware of even as I was reading these books. No matter how stupid or frustrating or repulsive the things that Smeyer is writing are, her writing style will not let you put the story down once you’re invested. And since I was reading these for social clout, I was invested on page 1. I want to believe that this was a trick played on my young mind, but after reading the first chapter of Midnight Sun (the newly released book that is literally just Twilight from Edward’s POV instead of Bella’s), I can confirm that this woman’s style is genuinely Like That. I enjoyed maybe 6 sentences of the 15-page chapter and I am still frothing at the mouth to read more.

So now that I’ve justified why I subjected myself to this shit in the first place, let’s get to some feelings about it.

Edward is a CREEP. He knows this. His family knows this. His love rival knows this. The only person who does not know this, rendering the fact completely inconsequential to the events of the story, is Bella. I’m not really willing to talk about how Edward is such a disgusting model for what young girls should expect out of a partner that there was discourse for MONTHS over Fifty Shades of Grey, but.... Edward is such a disgusting model for what young girls should expect out of a partner that Fifty Shades of Grey exists. It’s literally Twilight fanfiction. Fact check me. I wish I was making this up.

Bella is, as I said before, a cardboard cutout of a human being. The book is from her point of view, and includes copious amounts of her thoughts, and yet it’s still clear that she has absolutely no personality. She is supposed to be your Jane Everywoman, and yet there is not a single relatable thing about her. Her three personality traits are Brown Eyes, Clumsy (but not in a way that matters often), and Likes Edward. That’s it. This girl has nothing going on, which only draws more attenton to the fact that literally everyone else in the story has a rich and interesting backstory. But they’re side characters and this is about Stale White Bread Bella over here, so go fuck yourself if you want more information on Rosalie using her vampire abilities to get revenge on her fiance and his buddies, who assaulted her to the point of near death, or Alice, who sees the future and spent a good chunk of her life in an asylum, or Jasper, who was a Union soldier fighting the Civil War which was ALSO the vampire war???? Fuck off with that shit, this is about Bella.

But you know who the best characters are? The werewolves. But not REAL werewolves. These are Native Americans whose initial transformation is triggered by the proximity of the vampires, because vampires once terrorized their people and now this ability to turn to wolves is hereditary to protect themselves. The fact that these fellas are not REAL werewolves, and that there are real lycanthropes of lore, is mentioned in passing in the last book and never mentioned by anyone ever again.

One of these wolves is Jacob, Bella’s childhood friend and, for the first two books, an absolute sweetheart. Just a big goofball who’s a couple years younger than Bella, and all he wants is the best for her. Real wholesome shit. When Edward leaves her because he thinks that she’s too attached (SHE IS),  Jacob literally talks Bella back from the brink. The wolf pack, and the Native American tribe, welcome her as one of them. They’re adorable. I can’t stress enough that they would have also been an excellent candidate for the focal point of this shitshow.

But it doesn’t last. Edward does some real dumb shit in Italy and Bella has to go rescue him, which tips off the Vampire Illuminati that Edward was trying to get killed by (i.e. the real dumb shit). They don’t like that Bella, a human, knows about them, and demands that she be turned. Edward’s family is divided on this. Eventually they decide that they got time because the Vampire Illuminati are ancient and don’t have a good enough sense of time to hold them accountable immediately.

So Bella is fine and Edward is fine and everybody is back in the same town and they’re dating again and literally everyone in the town is like Bella what the FUCK. Nobody likes Edward because they think he’s no good for Bella. They are written like the bad buys. Jacob especially, becomes a huge asshole. Because he decides that he’s in love with Bella now. Because werewolves can imprint on people, which is just a sloppy soul mate mechanic used for absolute evil in this story. He wants to fight Edward over her. Edward is chomping at the bit to throw down, but pretends to be the bigger person even though he’s just as big an asshole about all this as Jacob is. This is as misogynist as it sounds. From this point on Jacob is now also a creep.

Oh, but it gets worse!

I gotta talk about the last book in the series now, Breaking Dawn. Because this shit was so awful that it made me regret, instantaneously, ever second I spent enjoying Twilight.

Bella and Edward get married after they graduate high school because Edward is a religious virgin and Bella is HORNY. They go on their honeymoon. Bella gets pregnant. This is Not Something That Is Supposed To Happen.

Smeyer tells us WHY this happened post-canon. Edward, the virgin, has never nutted. Because of this, he still has living sperm in his balls. So when he boffed Bella, his 80-year-old sperm made it count. I wish I was making this up, y’all. I’m tearing up thinking about it.

Bella is now pregnant with a half-vampire baby that is destroying her body from the inside out. It is growing at an exponential rate. She’s eight months along after three weeks. Edward can hear its thoughts. It loves Bella. Bella has to drink blood or die. Jacob is like What the Fuck. I am also, pretty thoroughly like What the Fuck. A couple members of the Cullen family are, very quietly, like What the Fuck.

Queue the most forced and ineffectual pro-life discourse you’ve ever read in your life.

All is well and good until it’s not. Baby suddenly wants to get out of Bella RIGHT NOW IMMEDIATELY and thrashes so violently that it shatters every bone in her body between her ribs and her femurs. Edward has to rip her uterus open with his teeth. Baby is out. It has a full mouth of teeth. It bites Bella. Edward whips out several syringes full of his own saliva and injects them into Bella all over to make her change into a vampire. This is all written in disgusting graphic detail that still makes my skin crawl to think about. I cannot fathom why Smeyer was not made to tone this scene down.

So it takes a few days for Bella to change into a vampire, during which time the Cullens (and Jacob) have to look after her hellspawn of a daughter. Jacob decides that he must kill her, because she basically killed Bella. But--- surprise! He wasn’t in love with Bella! He was in love with the eggs in her womb-- particularly this one egg that is now a baby! No more crush on Bella! No more beef with Edward! He’s just in love with a newborn infant. I am, at this point, wondering in my little 12 year old mind, how this was allowed to be published.

Bella wakes up a vampire, and in her first display of rational thought through the entire series, does not like this. Don’t worry though, that’s quickly cancelled out by her naming her baby daughter Renesmee.

Renesmee is clearly supposed to be a sweet and gifted little angel that you’re meant to love, but frankly, all I can picture is the Chucky doll but quieter. She does not talk much, because she has the ability to share thoughts by touching people’s faces. She also grows super fast. In a few days she’s toddler age. Nobody knows what the fuck is going on and nobody has time to worry about it because the vampire Illuminati found out about this (a vampire friend of the family snitched) and they’re coming to fuck up the whole family.

There is a reason why they want to do this but it’s stupid and frankly I’m not going to explain it.

So the vampires mobilize. They call all their vampire friends because their plan is just to fight the thousands-years-old vampire Illuminati over this horrible child. For some reason dozens of vampires agree to this. They’re all smitten by Resume I guess.

So the illuminati comes, the family tells them that Ramune isn’t the problem that they think she is, and they leave.

That’s it. That’s the climax.

And then everyone gets their off-putting happily ever after: Bella and Edward can now fuck as much as they want because neither of them can die. Bella abandons her human life without so much as a second glance. Resonate will physically be an adult by the time she’s 7, which means that Jacob can start fucking her then. Bella’s dad sort of knows what’s going on, but doesn’t. For some ungodly reason I don’t make a bonfire out of these books.

You may notice, if you have any knowledge of Twilight, that there are whole plots that I didn’t talk about. That’s because I’ve surely forgotten things. While I read these books with what I can only describe as a manic fervor in my youth, I could never bring myself to reread them. On God, I tried. Multiple times in the last decade I have pulled my box set, hard covered Twilight books off my shelf, and opened them up. But I never even make it through the first chapter before I am so put off that I have to put them back. The plots are flimsy. The main characters are made of sand. The secondary characters are treated like garbage. The lore is disturbing.

And yet as soon as I heard that Midnight Sun was coming out, I knew that I must read it. I’ve made it through the first chapter. I do not know when and how I will make it through the next, but I know, for little middle schooler Theo’s sake, that I must.

Twilight? Horrible. Twilight Fandom? Geniuses.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[girlcriedwoolf]

✍🏼 On the act of re-reading and Christopher Nolan’s Tenet (2020)

I’m a chronic re-reader. I reread the same books copious times, rewatch the same TV shows over-and-over and find solace in exhausting my own Spotify playlists until the songs become unbearable. I know I’m not alone in this practice - there are thousands of other people around the world that share my comfort of revisiting sources of previous enjoyment, but there are also thousands of people that don’t. It’s always fascinated me - how people can enjoy a book, film or TV show without any desire to experience it again, ideally as soon as possible. I’ve subsequently internalised this as a sign that these individuals live fuller, more exciting (better) lives as they’re able to consume a greater amount and a wider variety of cultural content than I ever will. My tendency to reread Twilight - for, let’s say the seventh time - instead of reading a new book that I know I’d enjoy has been something I’ve become ashamed of. Is it an immature and somewhat cowardly cop-out to revisit a source of comfort from the past rather than engaging with the present? 

At its core, Christopher Nolan’s latest cinematic masterpiece Tenet (2020) is a film about the act rewatching and re-experiencing, both structurally and conceptually. More specifically, a lot of the film rests on the idea of the protagonists travelling to - or existing in - the past, using technology sent from the future, in order to fix the present. It messes with your mind in all the best ways - don’t say I didn’t warn you. The structure of the film lends itself to comment on the nature of time: rejecting a linear, chronological structure of time and instead alluding to at least two other possible shapes that embody the abstract, meta notion of time. 

First, is the illusion to a ‘temporal pincer’ shaped structure (visually resembling an elongated horseshoe shape or alternatively, a hairpin). References to this structure of time are not limited to dialogue alone - instead, a visual reference is seen explicitly in the last part of the film during which a planning meeting for an army drill takes place and a temporal pincer shape is drawn on a whiteboard to convey the operation. In this scene, the protagonist can be heard asking which order the two groups are going to enter the site, to which the commander, Ives, replies that both groups (lines) run simultaneously to each other rather than subsequently, ultimately shattering liner constructs of measuring time. In doing so, Nolan suggests that revisiting the past (or by extension an experience in the past like a book or film) may not be a backwards step but merely a progression in time. In this way, we understand revisiting and experiencing things from the past, not as redundant acts that waste time but instead as signs of time progressing. Tenet embodies the experience of great cinema and the role of film as a medium of storytelling.

True to Nolan’s fascination with ideas of inception, (see: Inception (2010), Tenet itself could be seen to project the experience of watching a film. The audience exists on a different timeline to the film’s narrative and metaphorically ‘catch’ the bullets that are fired the first time around. In watching the film for the first, second, third or fifteenth time, you will start the experience at a different point in time meaning you are going forward but ultimately the nature of rewatching something means you know where you’re going to end up in the future. An aspect of Tenet that draws on a specific interest of Nolan’s is the transformation of scientific concepts depicted through the language of storytelling. The nature of rewatching in itself is paralleled through the scientific concept of inverted entropy, which, in the most basic reduction, is the idea that a system goes from disorder to disorder. In Tenet, the suggestion is that broad systems can go through the process of disorder to order upon the experience of rewatching.

Whilst the scientific aspects of Tenet are largely far beyond my comprehension for obvious reasons, there are other bewildering pieces of the puzzle that raise an infinite number of questions despite seeming simple on the surface. Namely, the character of Kat: devoted mother to a young son and wife of a powerful (corrupt) arms dealer (see: the bad guy). On the first watch, it’s hard to appreciate or understand the role of this character as one of the few female faces in the film. There are some scenes that make you question whether her character’s inclusion is purely veiled misogyny: the idea that men are only capable of making slightly less morally corrupt decisions if they have a beautiful wife by their side, or that a ruthless C.I.A. agent will be immediately thrown off if they so much as a glimpse at a beautiful blonde woman. Yet, after thinking more about Kat’s character I have grown less hostile and more understanding of Nolan’s vision for her as a character burdened with emotional trauma. In relation to Nolan’s toying with time, Kat represents a timeline of autonomy and agency, a dichotomy of an oppressed or empowered woman. The P.T.S.D. that Kat seems to exist with further challenges our understanding of time. Is the trauma something from the past, present or future? Can we ever tell if we have agreed to reject a linear structure for time? Kat appears to be burdened with the emotional trauma of all the characters in the film, whilst they get the privilege of making rational, emotionless decisions; Kat must consider the feelings of not just herself but those around her - like her son - at all times, in turn preparing and recovering from past and future trauma. 

An ambiguous mantra of Tenet comes from Kenneth Branagh’s character, declaring at various points that ‘we live in a twilight world’, a phrase that is initially introduced as the code name for the protagonist’s mission at the film’s opening. This statement garners more meaning at the conclusion of the film as the protagonist and Neil reflect on their wider mission with the protagonist finally becoming aware of the temporal world that Nolan creates. Our protagonist has the revelation that the moment is not the end of their time together as it would be on a linear structure but instead is the beginning of his friendship with Neil on a temporal pincer structure whereby time is not so objectively universal. Though this point does mark the end of Neil’s life, the protagonist is only at the beginning of his experience or rather, re-experience. In exploring the end of Neil’s life, who is played superbly by Robert Pattinson, the idea of twilight reemerges. As Pattinson’s connection with the idea of Twilight runs deep (the start of his career being with the Twilight franchise) it becomes an excellent metaphor for the film’s thesis. Etymologically, beyond the definition relating to the natural process of twilight, the noun holds a second definition of ‘a period or state of ambiguity, absurdity or a gradual decline’. This definition could define the film’s plot as a whole - obscure and ambiguous and seeking to stop the impending event of World War III. Moreover, the natural phenomenon of twilight occurs both at the beginning and end of the day, further rejecting a linear temporal structure. Though devastating, emotionally, for the protagonist to find out about his close friend’s imminent death, it is seemingly not the end but also the beginning of their friendship, impossible to define. In the same way, at the point of twilight, it is impossible - and meaningless - to say whether it is the beginning or end. 

I started my week feeling annoyed at myself for ‘wasting’ time revisiting books I have already read and films I can already recite every line of, but having experienced the cinematic masterpiece of Tenet, I have been forced to consider whether re-experiencing things is a monotonous extension of the past or whether, as Nolan might argue, the act of re-experiencing things is a radical way of bringing the future to the present. 

[fuzzballsheltiepants]

Delayed Reaction (The Fear of Falling Remix, aka the Nicky Remix)

I wrote this for the fantastic AFTG remix/redux challenge, which was an utter blast.  It was inspired by this amazing fic, by @sunrise-and-death.  It let me explore Nicky’s feelings after the events of the series, especially his role in the Eden’s Twilight disasterTM of the first book.  It’s a bit of a departure for me, lol, but I loved writing it.  References forced drugging/forced kissing.  Read on AO3 if you prefer.  (I apologize if you’re on mobile and the keep reading link doesn’t work.)

The second Neil wrenched his arm out of his grasp, Nicky knew.

The alcohol coursing through his bloodstream left him slow and stupid as Neil planted his hands against Nicky’s chest and shoved.  Tripping over his own feet, Nicky crashed backwards into some faceless people who were dancing in a tight pack.  Cursing, the clubbers bounced away while Aaron got to his feet in what would have been a leap had he been sober.

“What the hell was that?” Aaron snapped at Neil, whose face went from white to red in a second.

“I’m going to get some air,” Neil said, and disappeared, weaving through the crowd towards the back doors.

Aaron grabbed Nicky’s arm and helped haul him to his feet.  He staggered over to the table and dropped his head into his hands.  He felt more than saw Aaron settle next to him.  “Seriously,” Aaron shouted over the thundering base, “what just happened?”

Nicky felt like he was going to vomit, but he didn’t think it was from the alcohol.  That had been actual fear in Neil’s face, before anger and embarrassment had swept it away.  Neil, afraid.  Of him.  He let his elbows slide out from under him until his forearms rested on the table, keeping his forehead pressed against them.

For an endless moment he remembered being surrounded by four men, being punched and kicked and shoved; the vicious laughter and taunts echoing in the alley, the desperate need to cry out but the inability to get enough air.  It had taken months before he had been able to get in and out of the club without terror, and over a year before he had been able to dance again, to enjoy the feel of other bodies around him.

The sound of a tray full of glasses being set carefully on the table made him bury his face deeper into his arms.  Andrew.  Oh, God, how could he ever look Andrew in the eye again?

“Did someone break Nicky?” Andrew asked flatly.

“Your boy toy,” Aaron answered.  “Nicky wanted him to go dance, and he shoved him into a group of dancers for no reason then took off.”

“It wasn’t for no reason,” Nicky said.  The words were muffled against the table and looking up was impossible, but somehow he knew Andrew heard.  Heavy eyes bored into the top of his head then disappeared.

“What do you mean?” Aaron asked.  Nicky felt perversely grateful that his voice was different from Andrew’s.  “He’s gone,” Aaron added unnecessarily.

“I kissed him,” Nicky mumbled into his arms.

“What?”

“Neil.”  Nicky sighed and sat up.  “I kissed him.”

“Dude.  You’ve been sitting here all night, I would’ve noticed.  How much have you had to drink?” Aaron laughed.

Too much, always too much and not enough.  “Not tonight.  His first time here.”  The room was spinning and Nicky braced one of his hands against the table.  “Andrew…Andrew told me to keep him high.”

“I don’t understand,” Kevin said, downing one of the fresh drinks as if that would help clarify things.  

“I kissed him to give him more dust.”  Nicky pointed at his mouth to make sure it was clear, nodding at their expressions.  “He didn’t want me to.”

All traces of amusement were gone from Aaron’s face.  “Andrew didn’t know.”  Nicky shook his head.  “He’s going to kill you.”

“Neil won’t let him,” Kevin assured them with a confidence born of copious amounts of vodka.

“I am way too sober for this,” Aaron said, reaching for the tray.  He was on his second drink—well, his sixth if you counted the first round—when Andrew reappeared, alone.

Andrew didn’t say anything, and neither did the rest of them.  Aaron and Kevin knocked back one last drink each before the three of them followed Andrew out of the club in a line, Aaron bringing up the rear.  Nicky felt absurdly like he was at an elementary school class trip, following a teacher out of a museum.  There was a picture book he had loved as a child, with drawings of the big dark mama and papa ducks, the little yellow ducklings marching in between.  He imagined they looked the reverse, he and Kevin with their black hair towering in between the tow-headed twins.  He would have laughed if he hadn’t felt like crying.

Andrew pulled into the driveway and cut the engine.  Kevin fled.  Aaron did not; he looked between Andrew and Nicky until he saw something in Andrew’s face that made his mouth tighten.  With a venomous glare at Neil, he scooted out of the car and into the house, lingering for a long moment in the doorway.

Nicky had no idea what Andrew was going to do.  Andrew had once told him that he would kill him if he touched Neil; he hadn’t understood the protective instinct at the time, but now it made all too much sense.  If Andrew was going to make good on that promise now, Nicky wouldn’t fight him.  

He hoped Aaron would understand.  He knew Erik would not.

“I am going to make a deal with you,” Andrew said, sounding as if he were making a grocery list.   Neil was watching, expression unreadable.  There was no trace of the panic that had earlier ravaged his features, but that was still all Nicky could see.  He felt his eyes start to burn and dug his nails into his palms to try to drive it back.  “You will promise me that you will never touch someone without their consent again.  And in exchange, I will not kill you.”  

Nicky nodded; he should have felt relief but all he really was aware of was the guilt of getting away with something undeserved.  He was pretty sure he was babbling something but had no idea what useless words were falling out of his mouth.  Andrew’s expression was getting flatter and finally Neil interrupted.

“It’s okay, Nicky.  I forgive you.”

The tears overflowed then.  Andrew ordered him out of the car and roared out of the driveway before Nicky could do more than stumble onto the lawn.  He watched the taillights glow at the end of the street then dragged his sorry carcass into the house.

Aaron and Kevin were waiting for him.  Well, Aaron was.  Kevin was technically in the living room as well but clearly on a different plane of consciousness.  “We need to talk about this,” Aaron said

“Tomorrow.”

“Nicky—”

“Please, Aaron.  Just…tomorrow.”

Aaron gave him a long searching look, then disappeared upstairs to collapse in his bed.  Nicky rearranged Kevin so he could breathe and wouldn’t choke if he vomited, dropped a trash can next to his face, and dragged himself into his room.  Not bothering to undress, he flopped backward onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling.

There was dust on the edges of the fan that he needed to wipe off.  Part of him wanted to start the fan, see if the dust would rain down all over the room, but that would require getting up.  After a while he kicked his boots off.  Sleep darted away from him every time he reached towards it.

It was closer to morning than night when he heard the door open again.  He went out into the hall to see Andrew half-carrying a sleepy Neil, kicking the door shut behind them.  Andrew glanced at him, eyes sharp as his knives, before scooping Neil fully into his arms and heading up the stairs.

*****

It was a silent morning followed by a silent drive back to campus.  Nicky knew if he opened his mouth stupidity would spew out so he kept it clamped shut until they were back at Fox Tower and his dorm room door was shut firmly behind him.  He barely made it to the couch before his knees gave out.

“Are you ever going to talk to me about this?” Aaron asked.

“About what?” Matt appeared behind him.  “What happened?”

“I’m an asshole,” Nicky said.  “That’s it, that’s all there is to say.”

“Bullshit,” snapped Aaron.  “What happened with Andrew?”

“We made a deal, okay?  I don’t touch someone without consent, he doesn’t kill me.”

Aaron snorted.  “I can’t fucking believe you.  Why would you ever think that was okay?”  He was looking at him like he had never seen him before.  Nicky could feel his eyes filling.  He and Aaron had always been…not good, nobody in their family had good relationships, it was genetically impossible, but they had always cared about each other.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute,” Matt said.  “What the hell happened?”

“Nicky kissed Neil against his will,” Aaron answered when it was obvious Nicky wasn’t going to.

Matt looked aghast.  “Not last night,” Nicky clarified.  “It was the first time we took him to Columbia.”  Not that that made it any better, really, but it explained why he was still breathing.  

“Jesus Christ, Nicky.”  

I know, Nicky wanted to scream.  “I’m going to call Erik,” he said instead.  Once alone in the bedroom, though, he just stared at his phone.  Erik knew about the incident; Nicky had told him the next day, while Neil was missing.  He had been disapproving about the drugs but hadn’t worried about the kiss.  Nicky wasn’t sure if he could handle his forgiveness about it now.  He knew he would get it, but with Neil’s fear burned into his retinas he didn’t think he wanted it.

There was a knock on the bedroom door.  He wasn’t sure how much time had passed; enough that he felt stiff when he got up to answer it.  Or maybe that was the exhaustion.

“Hello, Nicky,” Renee said with her usual sweet smile.  “I thought perhaps you might like to go get some coffee.”

Nicky didn’t have it in him to say no to Renee.  He grabbed his coat.

It was rare for he or his cousins to visit the coffee shop on campus; they usually just made their own.  Nicky debated ordering something gross like straight black coffee with a shot of espresso, but caved to his tastebuds and got an iced hazelnut latte instead.

They sat at one of the little iron tables in front of the cafe, watching the handful of summer students straggle by.  Nicky was halfway through his latte when he asked, “Matt told you, huh?”

“He told me his understanding of it, yes.”

This was why he loved Renee.  He took a deep breath, and in as spare language as he could manage, told her about that first trip to Columbia and the morning after.  About the arbitrary lines he had drawn in his own head about what was okay and what was not.  How he had succumbed to the Hollywood idea that forcing a kiss on someone would win them over in the end.  How at the time he hadn’t really thought that what he did was any worse than what Andrew did; how he had never thought about what he might have been taking from Neil until that weekend before Thanksgiving.

He didn’t tell her about the months of regret he’d been dealing with since he had walked into his parents’ guest room and seen Neil tenderly wrapping a bloody and battered Andrew in a blanket.  Or how he had been struggling not to regress to the habits taught him at conversion camp, to the self punishment that was seen as just penance for his sins.  But she saw it in his eyes and heard it in his voice anyway.

When he finally went silent, she sipped her iced tea for a moment.  “Did you apologize?”

“Yes, as soon as he would let me.  He wasn’t ready to accept it then.”

“Have you talked about it since?”  

Nicky shook his head.  It had taken all of his courage the first time, he wasn’t sure he had enough left.

Renee hummed and then was quiet while they finished their drinks.  They were walking back to the dorm when she touched his arm.  “Nicky…I may be out of line to ask this, but have you found a church here?”  

He shook his head.  He had been to several when they had first moved to campus two years prior, but none of them had been right.  Slowly he had been forgetting what it felt like to seek that sort of peace.  He couldn’t recall the last time he had prayed; maybe during that terrible vigil the whole team had held on the bus after Binghamton.  

“Would you like to come with me tomorrow?”

“I’m not Catholic.”

“It’s not a Catholic church.”  He looked at her in surprise.  “I didn’t find the parish of the local Church very welcoming, so I found an alternative.”

“Yes,” Nicky said, not really sure why he felt so hesitant.  “I’ll come with you.”

“I go to the early service most of the time,” she said, and he wasn’t sure if it was apology or warning.  “I leave at seven-thirty.”

He groaned internally; after his sleepless night he had been looking forward to spending most of the next day in bed.  “I’ll be ready.”

*****

The church was like nothing Nicky had seen before.  There was no ornate glass, no crucifix, no organ.  It almost looked like a business building, but off the vestibule the bulk of it was one large room with pews.  A friendly man in a blue suit greeted Renee by name when she entered.  

“Reverend Pawalek, this is my friend Nicky,” she said, and the minister held out his hand in greeting.  His grip was warm and solid.  He reminded Nicky of Erik’s father, though he couldn’t have said exactly why.  Something about his eyes, maybe.  Or the generous cut of his mouth.

They entered the sanctuary and sat in a pew near the back.  Nicky’s gaze was immediately caught by a small pride flag sticker on the otherwise plain podium.  He glanced at Renee; she gave him a nod.  All around him people were filtering in, men and women and children, black and white and brown.  There were piercings and tattoos and wild hair and wilder clothes.  Some, like Renee, wore crosses; he spotted two hijab, and a yarmulke.  The only thing they all had in common was the attentiveness with which they turned towards the podium when Reverend Pawalek took his spot.

Afterwards Nicky could not have recalled a single sentence of the sermon.  He knew that it was about how to help God’s love manifest here on earth, but the specifics were washed away in the rhythm of the minister’s tenor voice.  He felt embraced by that voice, cocooned by it; for reasons he could not have told, tears fell until his hands and shirt were damp with them.  Around him the other people were smiling and laughing and crying too.  

He had never felt so loved outside of Erik’s arms.  He had never known faith so uncorrupted by religion.  At the end, as Reverend Pawalek put up a prayer about love and acceptance, Nicky prayed as he hadn’t in too many months.  He prayed for forgiveness:  Neil’s.  God’s.  His own.  For once, he did not even think about his father, standing over him pallid and stern.  His father did not understand God like this; was incapable of understanding a God that was not a stand-in for his own judgments.  But this—this was the God Nicky had always sought, the one Erik and Renee so freely opened their hearts to.

An hour had passed in the thrall of that voice and those words, but it felt like days later when they stumbled out into the heat of a South Carolina morning.  Renee took his hand, threading her fingers through his.  They didn’t speak as they headed back to campus in Allison’s car.  Nicky didn’t think he had any words anyway.

*****

He went back the following Sunday.  Andrew had not allowed him time alone to talk to Neil.  He might’ve tried while Andrew was at Bee’s but he didn’t want the rest of the team listening in.  Neil kept catching his eye, and Nicky took hope from that.  Fitting, then, that the sermon was about hope.  The way hope can keep us alive when all else around us is trying to drag us down.   The way hope can erase fear, can erase hate, can fortify against the judgment of others.  That hope can help us let go of the fear of falling.  That hope is just a different word for faith.

Another week passed.  Aaron and he went back to their usual brand of “good,” and Matt seemed to have forgotten about all of it.  Andrew’s vigilance did not falter, but Nicky had never thought he would forget.  Though he would have loved Andrew’s forgiveness, it didn’t really matter in the end; it had been Neil he—no, they—had wronged.

Aaron and Katelyn were cuddling on the couch and Matt was just starting a movie when there was a knock on the suite door.  Matt answered it; Nicky got to his feet when he heard Neil’s voice, though the words were quiet and indistinct.  Then Matt called his name and he walked to the door.  

Neil still looked guarded, but there was something other than fear behind it.  Hope, maybe.  Or determination.  He followed Neil into the suite he shared with Kevin and Andrew.  It was empty, so Nicky assumed the others were out somewhere.  He leaned against the door.  Somehow it felt safer.

“I wanted to talk,” Neil said.

“Me too.  I’ve been wanting to since that night.”  Nicky hated the quiver in his voice.  “Oh, Neil, I’m so, so sorry.  That look on your face…I never wanted you to have to look at me like that.”

“I’m fine.”  Neil’s mouth twisted in an ironic smile after he said the words.  “It just made me remember, you know?  Being drugged and not able to control myself.”

Nicky’s heart ached.  “I still can’t believe I did that.”

“Honestly, the being drugged thing bothered me more than the kisses.”

Somehow that made Nicky feel worse.  “I tried to justify it so many different ways, you know?  All of it.”  He slid down the door so he was sitting on the floor, looking up at Neil on the beanbag chair.  “Andrew was so certain.  God, he’s always so certain that he’s right.  It’s easier just to go along with it.”

“I know.”  

Nicky’s lips twitched at Neil’s wry tone but the smile wouldn’t quite form.  Neil didn’t know, not really; Andrew gave ground over and over to him in a way he never did for anyone else.  And Neil had never sought the easier path.  “It seemed like such a clever idea.  Honestly I was so freaking proud of myself for thinking of it, you know, a way to keep you high without getting caught.”

“It was creative,” Neil said thoughtfully.

It was hard to keep back the ready tears at that.  “The thing is, though, I also just really wanted to kiss you.  I was lonely, I hadn’t seen Erik in forever, and you’re hot.  I guess I just thought you needed to lose some inhibitions or something.  Like that’s for me to say.  What the hell made me think I had the right to decide that?”

Neil shrugged.  “I think a lot of people think like that.”

“It wasn’t until everything went down before Thanksgiving that I got it.  I mean, Jesus, what kind of an asshole am I?  Like, I had to see that in order to understand?”  He thought again of dazed Andrew, frantic to make sure Aaron was okay, the blood and worse from the dead body on the floor, and Neil so…so gentle.  Not for the first time, he wondered how he hadn’t seen it then, the love they had for each other.  His sniff was embarrassingly loud.

“But you understand now,” Neil said.

Nicky nodded, feeling a bit like a bobblehead doll.  “Absolutely.”

“I think a lot of people wouldn’t.  I think a lot of people would say it was totally different.”

“You might be right,” Nicky said.  It didn’t really make it any better.  It didn’t change that he had taken advantage of someone he cared about, someone who was compromised.  He didn’t understand how Neil could be so vicious sometimes, and yet find forgiveness too.  For some reason, Reverend Pawalek’s words about hope popped into his head: he had talked of hope not for a better world after this one but for making this world a better one, for making it a world of justice, of peace.  In his own way, Neil was fighting for that.

Somehow, somewhere in that terrible year since that first night in Columbia, Neil had let go of the fear of falling.

Nicky dashed the tears from his eyes and stood on shaky legs.  “Ugh, everyone’s going to know I was crying,” he said, trying for normalcy.

“You look fine,” Neil said, getting up too.  Of course, Neil’s definition of that left something to be desired.  

“Can I?” Nicky asked, holding his arms open in invitation.  Neil hesitated just a moment, then stepped into the circle of Nicky’s arms.  Nicky pulled him in and held him close.  Not tightly, but—close.  He knew Neil would never understand, really.  He never seemed to see it.  Outsiders never did either.  They just saw a fucked up kid with a smart mouth.  

But for the rest of them, for the Foxes, he was hope.  Precious, and fragile, and a reason to keep going on.  A reason to let go of the fear of falling.

[christinaroseandrews]

You ever have one of those books that you really really want to like but somehow lets you down so hard that after you finish it all you want to do is cry?

Yeah?

So this was that book. 

Settle in, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

The alt rock band, The Stone Butterfly is in need of a replacement backup singer. So when in-demand studio musician, Brooklynn Hawk becomes available. The group wants her. But the band isn't the only one who wants her, the lead singer, Levi Matthews, also wants her. Wants her bad. And he's not about to take no for an answer. Despite her attraction, Brooklyn has her own reasons for saying no. She's committed to taking care of her developmentally delayed younger sister and is afraid that saying yes to Levi means saying no to her career. After all, he's a star and she's just a studio musician and a temporary fix. But neither can deny the attraction. Unfortunately, Levi is the only one who won't take no for an answer. There's someone sending postcards who's just a little too invested in the lives of Brooklynn and Levi.

So... I wanted to like this book. I wanted to like it so much. And there is good in here and I think the author may have just mis-stepped. But whoa-boy was it a whole lot of mis-steps. Like fall down the stairs into a pool of broken glass. Like I want to reclaim my time and maybe take a nice long shower while drinking copious amounts of alcohol. 

So before I begin my rant.. here’s what I liked:

I liked everything to do with the music scene. It was well researched and felt real.

I loved the rest of the band. Sasha was probably my favorite member followed by Noah. I'd love to see their stories one day.

Do you notice what’s missing?  If you said the main characters, you’d be right.  There’s a reason for that.  Now on to what I disliked... and be warned... here there be spoilers.

The Hero, Levi, was cut of the same cloth as Edward from Twilight and Christian Grey.  The dude is super stalkery. Especially at the beginning. He was pushy to the point of WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!

So there’s the normal insta-lust that happens in a lot of novels.  It’s ubiquitous so I didn’t give a whole lot of thought.  Then quickly got worse. So here’s a pro-tip authors... when a woman says no repeatedly to a date but the guy persists, it isn't romantic. It's sexual harassment.

But wait, there’s more!

Levi also oversteps a line when he follows Brooklynn home. Sure I get it, you like the girl... that doesn’t give you the right to get into her cab and not get out.  If I were Brooklynn, I’d have gone to a wrong place then take a subway home. It’s even worse, because when all of this goes down he had the power to fire her. So that meant that anything he did came from a place of inequality and if she said no, she'd be out of a job. Literally Brooklynn told him "no" over 20 times and he didn't back off. Even going so far as to corner her (the author's exact words) and kiss her without her permission. That's not romantic. That's sexual assault.

Later in the book, when they hook up.  He dictates where she sleeps and even takes Levi also jumps to so many conclusions, overrides Brooklynn's wishes, and even steamrolls her. And takes care of her sister’s care even though he wasn’t asked to. I couldn't warm up to him. I wanted Brooklynn to dump him and hook up with Noah. Seriously. This was 50 shades of fucked up.

Then there’s Brooklynn.  She’s a little too perfect.  Perfect voice. Perfect body. Talented. The thing is, I liked her.  But in that, you’re way better than the hero and I need someone to like kind of way.  The problem was that the story took place in NYC and the author apparently didn’t think about that... and so kept mixing up the heroine’s name with the city.  Whoops?

The PoC representation wasn't handled well. Black characters repeatedly had their skin referred to as "mocha" something that is considered offensive by many in the Black community and their hair was referred to as "wild" which is also an offensive term.  If you’re an author and not following @writingwithcolor then you need to be right now. 

Go do it.  I’ll wait.

In addition, Brooklynn is supposed to be of Native American descent. That isn't explicitly stated until 94% of the way through the book. I mean there’s tiny hints... but not nearly enough.�� To be honest, I was picturing Broolynn as mixed race Asian based off of her description. But initially she was scanning as white.  When indicating race, it needs to be done early and it needs to be done with all characters. Not just the PoCs. And in addition, Native Americans need to be identified by tribe. Representation Matters.

Speaking of representation, the book seriously misrepresented an already stigmatized mental illness: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  The stalker is revealed to be Brooklynn’s developmentally delayed (yes, that is the actual terminology used in the novel) little sister who’s got undiagnosed BPD.  

BPD is often referred to as "Crazy Bitch Syndrome" colloquially however in reality, the way BPD manifests is in self-harm and self-destructive behavior. Marsha Linehan describes BPD thusly  “… borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering. Yet… life is movement.” They don't stalk people and they definitely don't physically harm others. They also tend to commit suicide when they feel hope is lost...  and the illness has  a very high rate of suicide. They don't try to commit murder.

What is often identified in media as BPD is actually Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD). The fact that the book perpetuates this myth is incredibly damaging. Representation matters, and for people suffering from BPD or those whose loved ones suffer from BPD (like us) this hurts and can actually reinforce the negative image that all sufferers of BPD have where they feel that they aren't worthy of love and affection and respect. BPD has such a high rate of stigma that finding psychologists who can treat this (it isn’t an illness that is treatable by medication) can take years. 

This kind of negative portrayal has very real impact. And it would have been easily solved if the author had done their research or hired a sensitivity reader. Even the Wikipedia article addresses this. This is willful ignorance. And it’s an unforgivable sin. 

This sin is made even worse in that the two suspects are Women of Color.  The decoy suspect is a Black woman which just helps support the “Angry Black Woman” stereotype.  The actual perpetrator is Native American which goes right into the “Savage Natives” stereotype.  Seriously, don’t fuck around with mental health and PoC.  Just don’t. And be aware of the Unfortunate Implications of what you’re writing. 

Did you follow @writingwithcolor yet?  No?  Do it!!!

Finally, the ARC I received could have used a good proofreader. I tried to check the preview to see if the errors were visible but since they didn't start until chapter 7, I couldn't. Therefore since the book has been published and I received the ARC after the publication date, I have to assume the errors made it in.

Basically, I wanted to like this.  I really really did.  But I couldn’t.  This book made me angry in all the wrong ways. So I can only give it

One star.

If you really want to read this, you can get it on Amazon. *** I received an ARC of this book through NetGalley