#definitely learnt a thing or two about ambition

[softservesoymilk]

Viscomm is FINISHED‼️ 🗣️🗣️🔥🗣️🔥🔥😭😭😭😭

[fleabagsversion]

Honestly, is it just me, but I hate the take that jayce had to fall down the ravine so he could learn about the whole political situation of piltover and zaun because it seems like it takes away so much from the progress jayce made as a character.

Like, mind you, yes, jayce is pretty ignorant in season 1 about zaun and piltover, but he does learn him advocating for indepence is a sign of that. Him meeting silco with no intentions to harm him and with no weapons, also shows that. There are so many things that indicate to jayce actually coming to understand and learn and actively try and do the right thing for that conflict (even if he lacks the expertise)

Had arcane held on to the political plotline and done it right jayce would have interacted and learned more from ekko and vi and other characters from the undercity about zaun. Heck I would have loved for the symbol of zaun aka jinx and the symbol of piltover aka jayce to unite and actually make progress (those two are also parallels and it drives me up the walls the wasted potential they have)

Another note, jayce falling into the ravine was more of a character event for him that he had to overcome. Yes, there was a sense of punishment to it for his ambitions, for him seeing the true dangers and potential of hextech but just to say that he had to go through that leaves a bad taste in my mouth especially because the trauma that he does gain from that timeline isn't particularly addressed in the series properly.

Like I full on believe that when Jayce came back he was dying slowly.

I agree with some of your points, especially about Jayce’s character development in season 1. So, just for context, I discovered the show only in December last year (very late, I know) and I ended up watching both seasons back to back. After that, I was pretty surprised by the negative narrative about Jayce online, since he became one of my favorite characters. In my opinion, he wasn’t the worst of the council members and I would argue that, unlike other council members, he learnt from his mistakes and tried to do better. In fact, his in-famous scene on the bridge where he calls people from the Undercity dangerous is immediately followed by him apologizing for his insensitive comment. This is to say, I do think he was prone to repeating his mistakes. Like in season 2, after the memorial attack, he made the Hextech weapons again and actively helped Cait attack the Undercity just to find one criminal.

I wouldn’t put the entire blame on him though because it was Ambessa who orchestrated the entire plan. And Jayce already got “punished” when Viktor left him for the same reason. So yes, it would have been fascinating if he had actually interacted with more characters from Zaun and was confronted about his mistakes by them. I loved the scene where Ekko got snarky with him for indirectly poisoning the tree and honestly Jayce needed that.

And from whatever limited interaction we see between him and Ekko in season 2, we know he continued to recognize where he fell short because of his privilege. I would say that in season 1, when he came to his senses, he realised he had been unfair to Viktor and brought him along to the council to announce the peace treaty between the two cities. So we can imagine his interactions with Ekko and Vi if they talked more about the political issues between both the cities. I am still not sure how he would’ve interacted with Jinx tbh, because he definitely wanted her arrested even before the council attack, but their meeting would’ve been interesting. Let me know your thoughts on that, anon :)

As for Jayce falling in the ravine, I do not think it was a lesson for him to understand the situation of Zaun and Piltover, nor was it a lesson for him to understand Viktor’s struggle as a kid from the Undercity. However, I do think, that his injury placement on his left leg (opposite to Viktor’s right leg) and how he comes out of the place with very different views about Hextech, make him more of a mirror image of Viktor. Adding to the fact that Mage Viktor put him through it to make sure that Jayce destroys the Hexcore no matter what, even if it means killing the main timeline Viktor. I think when he first landed in the alternate timeline and saw the state of a ruined Piltover he got his lesson, but at the same time, he was still holding onto his hammer as if that was the only thing which could keep him safe in that place. It was important for him to let go of his hammer as a metaphor to let go of Hextech as his life’s dream. This is why I think it was important for him to fall into that ravine.

Also Mage Viktor probably tried to go easy on previous versions of Jayce from other timelines and they failed in their mission to stop the Machine Herald from destroying the world.

But it doesn’t mean Jayce deserved any of that nor did he come out a better man from such a traumatic experience. In fact, we ignore how his trauma potentially did more harm than good in his decision-making process regarding the Hexcore and Viktor. Like, immediately shooting Viktor in the commune without even talking to him first. Yeah I know he tried to talk to Viktor through Salo, but he didn’t explain anything to Viktor apart from just saying that Hextech is dangerous. I think we forget that in episode 2 when Viktor woke up fused with the hexcore and confronted Jayce about it, he told Jayce that it killed Sky, and yet, Jayce didn’t understand how dangerous Hextech was. So do we think that just two sentences spoken to Cult-Leader-Viktor via Salo would’ve worked?

And it can be entirely possible that Jayce found it hard to kill Viktor but also he was very fucking angry at him. Contradictory feelings can co-exist in a person’s mind.

On the other hand, Jayce’s trauma was killing him, he was tired by the end even when he was trying his best to try to fight the machine herald. I read a theory about Jayce’s injury, (it’s on Instagram but I cannot find the post, if I do I will link it), that most probably he got a compound fracture on his leg. This means he shouldn’t have survived in the ravine for even two days, let alone a whole year. We know his wound got infected and he had no means to cure it. This indicates that Mage Viktor must’ve kept him alive. This was further proof for Jayce how painful magic can be if used against one's will. And upon that, when he did meet Mage Viktor after crawling out from that ravine, he found out that another version of his best friend had been dictating his life till now, all because he wanted Jayce to stop the main timeline Viktor from destroying the world.

Getting this kind of betrayal from a person you love and then having to kill them, after you went through so much is going to take its toll. This is why, by the end, he had no fight left in him when he let Herald Viktor take him. He just wanted Viktor to know how much he missed and loved him. And was even ready to die with him. I see Jayce’s story as more of a tragedy, like a person who was forced to go through things even when he did nothing to deserve them.

I really like Jayce’s lines to Mel when she expresses her own feelings about losing her identity.

���I’ve been confused about a lot lately. But there’s one thing I know in my bones, there’s no force in this world that can control you. You will never be a passenger.”

I know he is trying to console Mel here, but this conversation fits Jayce too in my opinion.

Thank you for the ask, anon! ❤️

[danbisroom]

Ep. 19 - This Is The Beginning Of Familiar Ends

Hello my beloved fellow souls,

welcome back to Danbi’s Room, your weekly dose of safe space. Go grab a cup of something warm and get yourself cosy.

I hope you had a nice week where you received, you know, some kind of revelation. Or where you managed to trust your guts a bit more. That’s really really really important.

Very often we're told to get out of our comfort zone, which is not a bad thing: it is, in fact, very good advice. It’s crucial to explore, to learn new things, to let our soul understand that mistakes are part of the process and that “not being good” at something is the exact reason why we start learning it. Not that “being good at” whatever should necessarily be the goal. I’m an overachiever myself, I crave knowledge more than anything else, sometimes even more than love. Ambition eats me alive every day and more often than not my life feels like a constant race against time to learn everything I can as soon as possible. But there are indeed a few things to break down here. First and most simple: we have all of our life to learn and discover and it’s never pointless. Learning should be pure joy, learning for learning’s sake. Socrates learnt a new tune with his flute, in his prison cell, just a few days before his execution. Why? Well, why not? We’re here to be happy not to be machines. Secondly, it still takes effort and sacrifice to learn: it can be tiring, we might feel like idiots and we might think about giving up. Actually, now and then, giving up could be the right choice to make. Sometimes something’s not for us, or it might be better to pursue it in the future. But there are definitely times where we just need to push a bit more. Motivation alone is not always enough. Be hungry, fight. Sink your claws in the flesh of your dreams, no matter what. Even Odin the Allfather sacrificed his own eye to eat the fish that granted him full knowledge. Last but not least, the former two statements don’t mean there’s a set definition of what all of this means. There’s no hierarchy in knowledge, nor in learning. What does it mean “to be good at”? We’re so used to capitalise on everything we forget that many things are just human things to do. Like eating, drinking water and sleeping. So are dancing, singing, making art and many other things. They’re beautiful, raw and human. Like breathing. Why do we make our life a synthetic product? That itself is not very human and it’s not very nice either. Our curiosity got us to do so many wonderful stuff, why do we let it decay into suffering? Why do we strangle ourselves until suffocation? We can’t breathe anymore, our vision’s blurry, thick fog is hunting our brain yet we’ve become so comfortably numb we don’t notice anymore. We forget we have our own hands pressing furiously on our own throat. Even in the rare moments of clear-headedness we don’t seem to be able to move them. We’ve sunken so abysmally deep into total discomfort that we’re not even gasping for surface, air and sun anymore. What is actually hard now is not getting out of the comfort zone, but rather to be able to go back to it. Letting ourselves be okay, go back home, be ourselves, feel good in our own skin. We don’t know that. We don’t even know where to look for it. Where’s home? Where’s the sky? It’s not even about finding answers anymore, it’s about creating them. Having no path makes you lost and astray but it also means you can go everywhere you want. You can let your instinct guide you home without useless noise. When discomfort is so familiar it might be a very good idea to begin to end it.

Listen and walk.

I’ll be right here.

It’s all good now.

Today’s song recommendation is Abysmal by Hannah Bahng, though I advise you to listen to the full EP from the beginning to the end. The abyss, my loves, has always much to say.

I hope you enjoyed this episode and that you have a beautiful week ahead of you!

I’ll see you in the next one, big hug!

With love, yours,

Danbi

[triviareads]

ARC Review of Full Moon Over Freedom by Angelina M. Lopez

Summary:

Gillian Armstead-Bancroft returns to her hometown Freedom, Kansas divorced with two small children, jobless, and feeling like her bruja powers no longer work. She runs into Nicky Mendoza, her childhood friend and former lover. Their renewed friendship may be tenuous, but they have to work together if they want to contribute to the ongoing renewal of the bar Gillian owns with her sisters, as well as Milagro Street as a whole.

My review:

Gillian and Nicky have history— they were friends on and off between elementary school and college. She asked him to divest her of her virginity after her freshman year of college. I got the sense he was her, to use historical romance terminology, "bit o' rough". On his end, he definitely saw her as some unattainable princess. It's revealed later that he was really cut up about her leaving, so based on this, I expected a little more of a Persuasion vibe where he's resentful towards her when she returns, but Angelina subverted those expectations straight away in the first couple chapters when they meet again. Really, the only thing keeping them apart for most of the book is their intention to leave Freedom at the end of the summer. Oh, and also, there's Gillian's shitty ex-husband :/

Listen, Nicky is a smooth operator. Always was, based on the flashbacks, and always will be. So he and Gillian, who is a little uptight and a perfectionist, work really well together even after picking up where they left off 13 years ago. It's one of those cases where the only things holding them back are themselves (their respective ambitions and realistically, GIllian has two children to think about as well). Like, I never had a doubt that had it not been for timing, they would have been together a lot sooner.

I'd say setting is a huge part of what made this book stand out. It's a small-town setting but in the best way, particularly because Angelina M. Lopez continues with the same theme from After Hours on Milagro Street, which is just how interwoven Mexican-American culture is in Freedom, Kansas, and how much the Mexican-American community contributed to the town. it's unlikely, as many characters in the books point out, because when you think of small town America, you think of, well, white people. But pocket communities like this exist all over the country, and it was established really well here, complete with an intricate fictional history. Revitalizing the town, specifically Milagro Street is a large part of the overarching plot, and both Nicky and Gillian are involved in different ways: Nicky with his mural in the historic train station, and Gillian with her financial planning skills that would directly benefit Loretta's and other minority-owned businesses in the area.

There is also a magical and supernatural element to this story, one deeply ingrained in the culture. The community at large simply accepts this idea that ghosts and La Llorona exists, that some people can be haunted, and some people are brujas (witches) who can use their powers and milagros for the betterment of individuals or even a building or community. At first I was surprised by this casual acceptance in the modern era, but then I realized there are cultural equivalents of this all over the world. I mean, I come from a culture where astrologers are regularly consulted, horoscopes still matter, and folk rituals like bhoota kola are performed. It's just a part of the culture (dating back to a pre-Christian America), and I loved how Angelina incorporated it into the story. Specifically, Gillian is a bruja (she learnt the art from her mom) but she's "lost" her magic and is now convinced she is a curse of sorts. Nicky is haunted by a cadejo, a spirit that appears as a black dog.

The sex:

It felt like there were less overall sex scenes compared to After Hours on Milagro Street, and I would say the tension between Gillian and Nicky is more of a simmering variety compared to Alex and Jeremiah in the first book. The sexual dynamic between them was a little teacher/student, a little "I'm the eldest daughter who feels responsible for everything and would like to be taken care of during sex", with interesting sides of a mild exhibitionist kink and "hot mom".

Here's what I appreciated most, sex-wise:

a) Listen if there's one thing Angelina loves to write it's an immediate sexual scene, let it be the heroine pretty much mounting the hero in the first 3 chapters (see: Lush Money and After Hours on Milagro Street), or in this case, immediately propositioning him upon meeting him again after 13 years. And it's great. It's like instant gratification for me 😂

b) I personally loved the tidbits she gave us of Nicky/Gillian's initial sexual relationships 13 years ago (similar to how Angelina did it in Hate Crush). It's an awesome way to get insight into their characters and the hints you get are pretty damn sexy.

c) Even the slightly out-there stuff during her sex scenes like some of the dirty talk (see: any use of the word "mommy") works because it feels real. Angelina writes the weird quirks of sex really well which actually makes the scenes hotter.

Overall:

Small-town romances can sometimes get trite real fast, but this book is definitely not one of them. It has the romance, a complex family dynamic, a mystery based on town history, along with supernatural elements. The love and care in the way Angelina described Mexican-American culture really comes across. I would absolutely recommend this book to anyone in need of a good contemporary romance that's sexy and emotional in equal measure.

Thank you to Harlequin and NetGalley for the ARC in exchange for my review.

[tyrannuspitch]

there are about ten different ways my interpretation of thor has subtly shifted since i was in my main posting(tm) phase but i keep forgetting to register my corrections and it's very annoying. but! here's one of them:

i no longer think npd is a particularly good fit for what's up with loki. not because i don't think he has any tendencies in that direction (he def does), but because personality disorders are by definition rigid and pervasive, and i think he's a little more complicated (and unstable) than that.

two major reasons for reassessment:

in my early readings of this franchise i was being very very cautious of assuming anything about loki without concrete evidence, no matter how obvious/"normal" it seems, to try and *avoid* simplifying him. but this also meant i took quite a while to locate and accept certain things that are *now* fundamental to my understanding of the character - most obviously, the fact that he feels not just shame/self-loathing but *moral guilt* over his supervillainous actions. (no i am not trying to imply that people with npd Don't Have Morals. but this def does influence the exploitation/sense-of-entitlement side of things.)

my understanding of loki's fundamental motives has shifted from being about seeking kindness/love/acceptance, to being about status/power, to being about autonomy and dignity. which of these he's really, fundamentally seeking is obviously going to have major implications for whether npd really describes him.

i still think he can be (excuse the negative phrasing) snobbish, manipulative, callous, and clingy/attention-seeking. i still think his interpretations of, like, all social interactions are skewed towards perceiving power dynamics, spite, and envy. i still think he has a brittle compensatory ego and persona, and snipes at other people's weaknesses to make himself feel better. and i still think all of this is learnt survival tactics from the household he grew up in.

the difference is that i just don't think it goes AS DEEP as i used to. the specific ambitions are too recent and slipshod; the feelings of worthlessness and the fawn response are too close to the surface; there are too many feelings of duty/debt/guilt at play, even if he does often ignore them.

if we really want to get technical (which i don't necessarily), i think a better candidate for His Whole Deal would be bpd with npd traits.

[blu-joons]

DATING TXT A⇴Z HEADCANON ⇴ Choi Yeonjun

A ⇴ AFFECTION

Yeonjun loved to tease you with his affection, pushing boundaries was very much a favourite habit of his. His hands would often wonder when he was around you, he couldn’t help himself but try and see where his affection could take him.

B ⇴ BEFORE DATING

You already worked at the company before TXT came together, and so the two of you struck up a professional relationship from the start. You always took great care of Yeonjun as a member of staff, but that didn’t stop him always trying to be a little more friendly with you and try to get you know better than the other members of staff.

C ⇴ CONFESSION

After debut and the group took off, Yeonjun was able to settle a lot more. With that, he couldn’t help but find himself desperate to confess to you as you started working with other rookie groups, having less contact with him. One evening he surprised you at the company, desperate to tell you how he felt about you before he lost the chance. You were shocked, naturally, but there was no way you could ever turn Yeonjun down.

D ⇴ DATES

He loved to get quite competitive on dates and make sure that he could show off to you. You’d spend a lot of dates at sports complex or arcades where Yeonjun could show off his strength, but the one thing he loved to do more than anything else was try and teach you to skateboard. Admittedly, you were terrible, but you knew that it was something that Yeonjun was passionate about, and whilst you were yet to take two feet off the ground without him holding firmly onto you, it was only a matter of time before you’d get the hang of things.

E ⇴ EXPERIENCE

Having never dated before, there was definitely a moment of apprehensiveness as far as Yeonjun was concerned. He knew as the eldest member he had a bit of an example to set for the other members, and a lot to follow up as the next generation to BTS. However, with your knowledge of the company already, he was confident that a relationship was something that the two of you could enter and make sure that neither of you got hurt. He was always going to protect you, even ahead of work, Yeonjun knew what he wanted in life, and was firmly set on making sure he got everything that he wanted without a bother.

F ⇴ FIGHTING

Whenever the two of you fought, Yeonjun couldn’t help but get quite emotional. You quickly picked up on the fact that he wore his heart on his sleeve a lot, and when he had something to say, he couldn’t help but pour his heart out to you. The frustrations that would trigger an argument between you both would very quickly turn into sadness and hurt that the two of you could speak so harshly to each other and say so much that neither of you ever meant. It didn’t take long for one of you to crack, usually Yeonjun, both soon figuring how pointless an argument was over whatever had caused it, and how much easier it was to just talk.

G ⇴ GETTING TO KNOW HIS FAMILY

You ended up meeting Yeonjun’s family before you started dating whilst you worked at the company, and so they couldn’t have been happier knowing that Yeonjun had chosen to start dating you too. They trusted you, and knew you understood the company and his line of work, and so he’d definitely be happy with you too.

H ⇴ HOME

Being at the dorm was something you loved, especially with Yeonjun having his own room. The boys loved having you around, which was most definitely a bonus for you. The two of you were still young, and neither of you were willing to rush into getting your own home together when your careers were still your focuses.

I ⇴ “I LOVE YOU”

Yeonjun was the first one to say, ‘I love you,’ suddenly on a date night. He’d taken you bowling, and you were losing, by a lot. As you hit the gutter yet again and spun around with a pout, you sent Yeonjun weak at the knees. Before he’d even thought about his words, a reminder to smile and a quick ‘I love you,’ had been muttered, surprising you greatly.

J ⇴ JEALOUSY

He would definitely be the type of person to hide any jealous feelings that he had, but again, he wears his heart on his sleeve a lot when he finds himself getting emotional, and so it wouldn’t take long for you to pick up on how he was feeling, no matter how hard he tried to hide it around you. You’d often notice that he’d get a little quieter and his cheeks would begin to flush as he tried to hold himself together. He’d deny ever feeling jealous around anyone until eventually you managed to push him into admitting how he felt.

K ⇴ KIDS

The two of you very quickly agreed that you were far too young for children, and that for the foreseeable future you saw yourselves working hard on your careers instead. Yeonjun still had so many ambitions for TXT, and you were making your way up the ladder at Big Hit. You knew there would be time for the two of you to start a family someday, but you had plenty of goals you wanted to achieve before that time came.

L ⇴ LAUGHTER

You loved seeing Yeonjun happy, that was always the most important thing to you. His smile was definitely something that drew you to him, even before the two of you started dating, and even more so since. You knew that he felt the pressure a lot, and there were times when he’d come home with the smile very distant from his face, and so you’d make it your mission to make sure that you found a way to make him smile again. You hated how hard he was on himself, almost as if he wouldn’t allow himself to smile at times, but after a short while with you, he couldn’t help but find himself smiling once again.

M ⇴ MISSING

Being the eldest, he definitely felt a responsibility when it came to missing you. He would try incredibly hard to shrug off any feeling of missing you, but when times were tough, even the mention of your name was enough to make him incredibly emotional. Yeonjun would try and keep things together, but usually after a chat with Soobin, he’d reach his breaking point. It was as if he was a ticking time bomb when it came to missing you, once the tears finally started, it would take a long time for them to stop. Especially, when he called you. You knew each time you hung up the phone that he was going to spend a little while to himself to try and hold it together.

N ⇴ NICKNAMES

You often found yourself calling him ‘junnie.’ It began as a bit of tease when you first met him, however as things changed between you, your jokey nickname for him was something that ended up sticking around.

O ⇴ OBSESSION

He was obsessed with your smile, almost as much as you were with his. He loved to see you happy, just as you always did with him too.

P ⇴ PDA

Yeonjun wasn’t afraid of being affectionate with you in public, but it would always be very subtle. People could often be forgiven for not even realising that the two of you were a couple because you were so conscious of being affectionate and making sure that you didn’t stir up any trouble for yourselves.

Q ⇴ QUESTIONS

He would often ask if you were tired whenever you tried to stay up with him. With a yawn, you’d assure him that you were alright, but as soon as your head rested against his shoulder, you’d be out like a light and proving him right.

R ⇴ RANDOM FACTS

You learnt very quickly that Yeonjun was incredibly chaotic and messy, with meant his room in the dorm was often a tip too. You’d always end up tidying around him and ended up buying him plenty of storage boxes and units so that he could try and keep his mess neat too. Although he’d never use them, and instead throw things on the floor, the thought that you put into sorting them for him meant a great deal to him.  

S ⇴ SEX

Every time the two of you were intimate, Yeonjun made sure to treat you as if you were the most delicate thing on earth. Yeonjun prided himself on being a gentleman, especially in the bedroom, always making sure that you were comfortable and satisfied. He never put himself first, he’d always take care of you first and listen to your body closely, picking up on all the hints you gave him as to what you wanted from him.

T ⇴ TEXTS

Throughout the day you’d often get random messages from Yeonjun, usually seeing what you were up to. He loved hearing how your day was going and making sure you were looking forward to seeing him that evening.

U ⇴ UNIVERSE

You were very much a best friend to Yeonjun, and a huge support from the very start of his career. Even before things took off, you were the first one in line to cheer him on, both professionally, but as a partner too.

V ⇴ VACATION

Stories of San Jose had kept you entertained for hours, and so when the opportunity arrived to take a week away from work, there was only ever going to be one place that Yeonjun would take you. He wanted to be able to show you the places where his memories had been made rather than constantly just tell you about them instead.

W ⇴ WHINING

He tended not to whine too much, he appreciated more than anyone when you were busy and was happy to wait around until you had some time free for him.

X ⇴ XXXXX

Whenever Yeonjun was around you, it was very much an instinct to hold onto you and usually press a kiss against your cheek or the nape of your neck. When you were around other people, it was a small gesture he could give to you without having to create a huge fuss about your relationship or make other people uncomfortable. In the comfort of your own home though, he was always more than happy to tease you and push all of the boundaries possible.

Y ⇴ YOU

You were his biggest fan, supporting him in every single thing that he did.

Z ⇴ ZZZ

Yeonjun never slept, a quality about him that you never understood. You’d usually end up having to drag him to bed to make sure that he rested for whatever schedule it was that he had planned for the very next day.

---

Masterlist

[azucanela]

prologue

pairing: bakugou katsuki x fem!reader

warnings: alcohol consumption. cursing.

word count: 3k

summary: the internet is enamored with the idea of y/n l/n and bakugou katsuki, two renowned pro heroes, dating. the first issue? the pair rarely interacts. the second issue? apparently, they hate each other, not that anyone knows about that bit. of course, after one night of many mistakes, the whole world knows. 

series masterlist

THE NIGHT OF THE GALA, it quickly came to Y/N’s attention that she definitely should not have waited til the last minute to get ready. But, her own procrastination had bested her, especially since she didn’t want to go, at all. It isn’t that Y/N wasn’t excited to see all her peers, it’s just that...

Y/N wasn’t excited to see her peers. 

Or anyone for that matter, she was exhausted after having just recently returned from one of her longer missions, and though her publicist had insisted the timing was perfect Y/N had to disagree.

She was really hoping for a break, not to be forced into socializing with everyone. And though Y/N didn’t want to seem arrogant in any way, she was a woman who had amassed quite the influence in her years as a Pro Hero. Meaning people wanted to talk to her, they wanted her favor.

Y/N wasn’t in the mood to have conversations with people faking kindness at the moment, which was the primary reason she found herself grimacing as she slipped on her second heel. Nearly falling to the floor had she not caught herself on the edge of the doorway as she hopped out while adjusting her shoe. 

As though things couldn’t become more chaotic, Y/N’s phone rings, causing her to jump at the sudden noise in shock before cursing, hand reaching into her small purse and digging around for the item as she continues towards her door. Just before she can pick up the phone, the call promptly ends, and a knock sounds at the door— causing Y/N to groan in annoyance as she comes to a proper stand and begins to make her way towards the entrance of her home.

The knocks become more rapid, and Y/N suddenly realizes just who is at her door as she rolls her eyes, calling out, “I’m coming you impatient hag.” 

Y/N can practically hear the scoff of her publicist as she finally opens the door, revealing the woman who stands with her brow raised. “We’re going to be late.”

Before her stands Lorelai Flores, one of the most renowned publicists of their time. Y/N was lucky to have scored her seeing as she was one of few Pro Heroes who hadn’t had a scandal yet, miraculously. In fact, Y/N had been one of her first clients shortly after they’d met in a local café— the woman had come from America and Y/N couldn’t help but wonder if life there was more chaotic with how well she handled all her clients.

The woman in question stands before Y/N in a green dress as she removes her glasses, eyes scanning Y/Ns figure before saying, “you look nice.”

A smile finds its way onto Y/N’s face as she lightly shoves Lorelai, stepping out of her apartment and locking the door behind her before the pair begins to head down the hall, “you look great as well!” 

The click of their heels brings Y/N a satisfaction she cant describe as they exit the apartment complex, Y/N lived in a quiet area, an attempt to escape the unavoidable fame being a Pro Hero brought on. It was especially worse when you saw all the posts.

God, Twitter is insane, Y/N learnt that the hard way. Despite the fact that she and Bakugou Katsuki hadn’t been in the same room since graduation— for a reason— the internet had taken to shipping the pair. It was an idea that Y/N abhorred given her history with the boy. After all, they’d practically been butting heads since they met. 

But it was appealing to the masses, the idea of someone “soft” like Y/N, someone known for their charity work and kindness, their sweet smile and endless optimism. And someone... like Bakugou. Harsh, almost ill-mannered and rude— though there was no denying that he’d made progress since their UA days, not that Y/N could confirm this seeing as she hadn’t seen him in so long. That and the fact that last she checked, most of the major headlines involving Bakugou were... not very positive.

Y/N started to avoid social media once she discovered this ship. She and Bakugou didn’t have the best relationship during their time at UA, it was practically a rivalry in their last year especially. 

“All your friends are going to be there.” Lorelai hummed, scrolling through her phone as she side eyed Y/N, the pair slipping inside a limo with ease once they stepped out of building, met by one of many men that Lorelai had hired. She had insisted that now that Y/N was a Pro Hero, she’d be a target too. And of course, her publicist was right. 

Her brow raises, as she settles in the car, deciding to simply reply, “yes, I’m aware they’ll all be there.” It’s a curious comment, seeing as it was an obvious fact. They were all heroes, and given their history with UA, well... the world had been anticipating their debuts for a while. Meaning they all quickly rose to fame, some faster than others, and some remaining in the spotlight far longer. 

Surprisingly, Y/N was included in that bunch, unsurprisingly, Bakugou, Todoroki and Midoriya were as well. Tokoyami had also carved out a nice spot for himself at Hawks’ agency, and Yaoyorozu had managed to become a sidekick to a rather renowned upcoming hero. 

Y/N had also earned a spot at Hawks’ agency, the man demanding her presence because she had “reminded him of himself,” for some reason. And seeing as he was one of the top heroes, who was she to disagree? The man seemed to understand her desire for distance, allowing her to go on missions that tended to be further out from where she’d grown up. And she was more thankful for the space.

She’d taken to philanthropy as soon as the money started coming in. Y/N had never understood just how much money Pro Heroes made until she was earning it as well. Although, seeing as she wasn’t ranked all that high, it wasn’t until she started branching out and doing other work that it became ridiculous.

“All of your friends, Ms. L/N.” Lorelai looks up to her, brow raised as she crosses her legs, resting her clasped hands on top of them.

Y/N offers her a tight lipped smile before waving her off, “I told you to call me Y/N, we’ve known each other how long?” 

“Don’t change the subject.”

Sighing, Y/N shifts uncomfortably in her seat, eyes drifting towards the window to see there are already dozens of flashing lights lined up, surrounding the venue of the gala, hoping to catch one of the Pro Heroes before anyone else does.

With a sigh, Lorelai directs her eyes outside as well, hands clasped together as she straightens herself in her seat, “funny isn’t it? That such a vital job requires so much publicity?” A tight lipped smile forms on their face, “I suppose I should be grateful for it. After all, it’s the reason I have a job but...”

But, Y/N hated it, and so did Lorelai. 

“It’s horrid that my dress matters more than any life I save.” 

And with that, the car comes to a stop. Alerting them that they’ve arrived, coupled with a short and swift knock on the door to signal that it’s time to get out. 

Inhaling deeply, Y/N looks back to Lorelai, who takes out a pocket mirror and removes her glasses, Lorelai eyes herself in the mirror momentarily, blinking once, twice, before saying, “most people don’t bring their publicists to such events you know.”

A small laugh escapes Y/N, and she knows its Lorelai’s attempt at helping her wind down before going inside, though she replies, “you’re more than my publicist.” Offering her a smile, Y/N simply says, “and why suffer alone when I can bring my friend, and who else will make sure I don’t do anything dumb?” 

It was true, it was always nice to have a partner at such functions, someone to hang around or return to. Or more accurately, someone to use as an excuse to leave the more annoying conversations. Though Lorelai always enjoyed the free foods and gift bags— that had items worth more than her rent, Lorelai had once said— and agreed to join Y/N/

Rolling her eyes, Lorelai simply knocks at the door, letting their chauffeur know it’s time before momentarily turning back to Y/N as they say, “ladies first.”

And with that, the door opens, revealing the pair to the world and exposing them to all the flashing lights of the mob awaiting them. People shouting out her Pro Hero name, Empatha.

Named for her quirk, Empathic Mimicry. Granting her to use the ability of those she touches for as long as she wants. However, in that period of time, she can feel their emotions and pain, and the quirk she uses comes with the setbacks of the user. If the person she touches is quirkless, it is possible to get other skills of theirs, but once again there are setbacks. 

Todoroki spent much of his free time at UA theorizing that she and Monoma Neito were secretly related in some way. Monoma on the other hand, seemed bitter about the fact that Y/N was “a better version” of him. Despite this, the memory of Todoroki’s odd question brings a genuine smile to her face as she steps onto the red carpet, swiftly making her way past as she waves towards the cameras. 

It’s just as overwhelming as it was the first time. And the second time. And the time after that. Even if Y/N had taught herself to control her abilities, no longer feeling the emotions of those surrounding her. But she didn’t need her ability to feel the excitement, anxiety— and worst of all the ambition. Ambition tended to be dangerous in the hero world. The reason behind unnecessary deaths, and exposed scandals. In Y/N’s experience it was a dangerous emotion, but she wouldn’t deny it had produced some impressive people. 

The lights are blinding as Y/N maneuvers inside, colliding with someone, warm hands come to rest on her forearms as the person in question mutters out, “watch where you’re going.”

Y/N finds herself freezing, recognizing him almost instantly. By the time her eyes have readjusted to the light, she finds that Bakugou is staring right back at her, mouth gaped open.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Y/N scoffs, tearing her arm from his grasp as he quickly as she attempts to collect herself, inhaling deeply.

Y/N probably should’ve guessed it was him from the screams, pose for a picture! Why don’t you two get a little closer! Can you comment on your relationship? They’re yelling for Bakugou too, wondering why he finally decided to make an appearance. Y/N is curious as well, for different reasons of course.

Bakugou is rolling his eyes before she can continue, “please, it’s not like I wanted to see you either.” 

Y/N nods slowly, offering him a bitter smile as she inhaled deeply— taking a few steps back. “Great to see you Bakugou, truly.” Sarcasm dripping from her tone as she stands beside him begrudgingly, putting on a false smile, “I hate you just as much as I used to.” 

Pausing, Bakugou’s hand comes to hover over her waist, as he stares into the cameras, muttering, “why?” 

“We both have reputations to maintain, do we not?” Comes her response, looking to him, Y/N reminds herself not to scowl as she straightens herself beside him, waving to a group of people and inciting more screams as she beams from beside Bakugou.

His laugh is a bitter one as he replies, “right.” Y/N inhales shakily, removing herself from Bakugou as she offers him a sarcastic smile, “thanks for the show, Sweetheart, but you aren’t all that important. You aren’t doing me any favors right now.”

A laugh escapes her, and the number of flashes increases exponentially, only for her to turn to Bakugou and say, “really now? Well, I suppose you’re right I’m not important seeing as you’re the one on the front page every week for a different scandal.” Bakugou looks away, scoffing, and Y/N nearly flips him off before reminding herself where she is and saying, “And I don’t want your thanks. I don’t want anything from you.”

And then she’s off, offering tight lipped smiles to those around her as she moved further into the venue for the gala, grabbing a drink off the tray of a passing waiter, Y/N mumbled out words of thanks before downing the drink instantly. Making her way past each person when a hand grabs her wrist.

“Y/N?”

Izuku Midoriya, better known as Pro Hero Deku, had intercepted Y/N on her way to the sanctuary of every party. The bathroom. Though he was probably the best person to have caught her, and undoubtedly someone she actually wanted to speak with. Y/N had a feeling he could tell something was wrong from the way he looked at her, concern clear in his eyes, Izuku was always easy to read. But she had somewhere to be and—

And Bakugou would be entering anytime soon. And what infuriated Bakugou more than she did? Izuku Midoriya.

So, Y/N puts a smile on her face as she says, “hey Midoriya.” She clears her throat, moving to stand beside him as she asks, “how are you doing?” 

He beams back at her, his smile as genuine as ever as he responds, “I’m well! And so are you it seems, there are rumors that you’ll be entering the top 100 heroes this year, you know?” 

Y/N had heard such rumors as well, if they were true, she’d be the first of her class to become a part of the top 100. Seeing as they were still basically fresh out of UA, it would be quite the achievement for her to do so at such a young age. Rivaling the progression of even Pro Hero Hawks. 

Raising a brow Y/N shoves him lightly, “scouting out the competition are you, Midoriya?” 

Midoriya’s eyes widen and he immediately begins shaking his head as his cheeks flush a bright red, “absolutely not!” He exclaims, “I’m just so amazed by how far you’ve come and it’s been so long since I’ve seen you.” 

A small laugh escapes her at his reaction, her eyes drifting towards her empty glass as she replies, “well I have no doubt that if I do miraculously enter the top 100, you’ll be close behind.” Inhaling deeply, she meets his eyes, “now if you’ll excuse me, I was on my way to the restroom when you caught me.” Once again, his cheeks flush a light pink as he begins to sputter apologies, and Y/N simply smiles as she says, “but we should definitely catch up sometime soon, maybe we can hang out sometime soon?”

A bashful smile finds its way onto his face as he nods slowly, “yeah. I would like that.”

And with that, Y/N waves goodbye to him continuing to the bathroom and managing to avoid any more conversations though few tried. Likely hoping for some good publicity themselves, she could see people beginning to swarm Deku in the distance now— and Y/N finds herself feeling bad that she left him so soon.

But as Y/N makes her way inside the restroom, it finally hits her.

Lorelai meant it when she said all her peers are coming, the woman had probably meant it as a warning. It was rare for Bakugou to attend social events, especially since they rarely ended well when it came to him. Most days, he ended up the headline of every single news sources when it came to his public events, rarely did Bakugou have a good run in with the press. Y/N was shocked he’d made it this far in the hero industry with his poor reputation only worsening at every event.

Oh she needed a drink. Y/N needed a lot of drinks. She couldn’t do this right now, not at all.

But more importantly, she needed fun, she needed lots of fun. So, taking one last look at the mirror, Y/N inhales deeply before exiting the restroom, spotting Izuku Midoriya almost instantly. She makes her way towards him, calling out for him, “Midoriya!” Her words distract him from his conversation, drawing the attention of those around then and the people who were initially speaking to him. 

The boy seems relieved that someone has come to save him from whatever conversation he was having, waving to Y/N as he says, “Y/N?”

A grin comes onto her face as she extends a hand to him, looking to those around him, “sorry to interrupt but—” She turns back to Izuku, “may I have this dance?

He offers her a nervous smile, only sparing those around him a glance as he replies, “definitely.” 

And with that, she drags him to the dance floor, and Y/N can feel the eyes on her as she does. It certainly is a curious sight. Two of the big up and coming heroes heading to the dance floor together after barely any public interactions. Y/N is sure that once the word gets out the internet will be going insane, and so will the press. Weaving together stories of insanity to boost their readership.

At this rate, Y/N didn’t care. 

This was Y/N L/N’s first mistake of the night, but it certainly wouldn’t be her last seeing as by the end of the night, Y/N L/N and Bakugou Katsuki would be on every front page and headline. 

note: lmk how this was pls i need validation <3

[mashi-sims]

My 5x10 Thoughts (I have many).

I’m going to start with the non-Cooliver material, because for once, an episode has made me feel like there’s actual stuff to talk about (other than Cooper and Oliver, of course). So, here we go:

1.       Franklin and Anna-Kat must be protected at all costs. I love these two characters and the fact that they are very openly calling each other “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” in this season is amazing. I really enjoy Anna Kat this season; of course, it’s different, but it’s still good. It honestly disgusts me how so many people keep commenting “Where’s the real Anna-Kat?” on AHW’s ig posts. Julia made the decision to leave, it isn’t the show’s fault, and it definitely isn’t Giselle’s fault. I love how Giselle is trying her best to portray a character that people already loved for her kooky-wicked personality, which already gave her dramatically high expectations to meet, and you can clearly see her progress EVERY EPISODE, she’s amazing. If anything, we should be praising this young girl for taking the challenge and carrying it on!

 2.       Taylor and Trip’s relationship is going down the drain? I’m honestly not a 100% certain. If anything, I believe it’s more of a 50/50 chance. There are many ways this could be headed. I like Taylor and Trip’s relationship because they’re both very sweet and they fit together in a nice way, but honestly, and hate me if you want, there’s nothing about it that makes me crazy. I think it’s very clever how they introduced Taylor’s doubts about Trip, which are completely valid. Leaving someone who is holding you back in any way is always okay if your personal growth is your main focus. If she wants to explore new parts of herself and to be able to do it, means she has the leave Trip behind, so be it! However, what I don’t like, is that this happened because of Andre. Again, don’t get me wrong, I really like Andre, and after last night’s episode, I think he’s very sweet and would be a good match for Taylor. What I mean is, I don’t like the idea that she only figured out she had bigger dreams because she met someone else. It’s okay when you look at a person who makes you rethink stuff and opens up new thought opportunities so you can get to exploring them yourself, but the show clearly made it known since the beginning that he was a potential new love interest, and (at least to me) it kind of feels like she’s replacing Trip. I have no predictions and no hopes for Taylor/Trip/Andre because they’re not really the reason why I watch the show (we all know why I watch the show), but I’m interested in seeing what happens.

 3.       I have no feelings about Greg running for city council. I also have no feelings for his competition. Yes, those are my thoughts.

 4.       Katie and Kathryn’s storyline here was pretty minor in my head, but it honestly sparked up one of my biggest fears in life, which is becoming my mother, you know? lol. It was still nice to see her becoming a more supportive mom and letting her kids suck at stuff instead of never trying at all.

 And now, for Cooliver. Let’s begin with the thought that kept me up at night:

1.       Oliver said “We are COOLIVER”. OMG yes. Yes yes yes, just- yes. I don’t want to be a bitch but it always rubbed me the wrong way when people call the ship “Coopoliver”, which I learnt people do when I tried searching the tag on Instagram; so the fact they even pronounced the letters C O O L I V E R made me so happy. It’s official.

 2.       Are you telling me Trevor thinks they’re dating? YES PLEASE. Does this mean people at school ALSO believe they are dating? Are Cooper and Oliver the only people who don’t know they’re dating?

 3.       I know we all want canon Cooliver, but I was actually happy they didn’t do it in this episode. I am really loving this slow-burn. Cooper has been having a lot of personal growth this season; I love how he’s getting to know himself and what he wants and he’s starting to prioritize himself. I’m not going too in depth about this because I don’t feel like right now, but I’m assuming Cooper latched onto Oliver’s dreams simply because he didn’t have any of his own; always living a materialistic life drifted him away from thinking about his feelings and his soul’s ambitions, and now that he gave up all that, has started to realize there’s more to him that what he originally thought. All of this is just going to make Oliver fall more in love with him in the end, because there’s so much he still doesn’t know about Cooper.

 4.       I am clearly not a writer in this show and my opinions are worth -1%, but I’d want for the show to build this story up and give us an actual, tangible, well-constructed romance. I wouldn’t want them to go take the “Oh do I like you? Yes you like me omg let’s be boyfriends” route, because that’s not sustainable in any way, but giving us a real slow-burn where they start realizing things, and then thinking about things- and talking about things- and THEN making it official? YES. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m a sucker for slow-burn and I hate when things are rushed, and I honestly fear seeing this relationship die because of poor writing.

 I want to say that although I don’t what’s going to happen to this show, and I only found out this existed like two months ago, it’s been a good run. This show is so much better than MANY others and has brought me my good dose of laughs, I also met a really nice fandom and people who are very supportive of each other, you guys really are amazing. Every other fandom I am (or was) a part of is either toxic af or dead, and although this one is pretty small, it’s really cool!

[lostsoulaltair]

OnS Theories (16S). Sixth Theory - The meaning of a King.

Hey guys, I hope you’ve been well; I hope you had a great day! As for today, we’ll talk about another interesting theory, therefore, let’s begin!

 Many might wonder why this is a theory when we got the answer of who is the King Ashera and Kiseki-O were speaking about, though, this is not the first time such term is mentioned. What do I mean?

Correct. Within the story, such term is used for different aspects, such as the King of Vampires, the King of demons, the King of Salt, and lastly the King of Humanity.

But, how exactly does a character of the story reach such state? What makes them receive such title when there’s no royalty within it?

But before heading off to explain such events, let’s talk about who represents each kingdom

1. King of Humanity

So far, this was the first time such term popped within the story, such thing happened after Kureto defeated Tenri Hiragi; but of course, before such outcome came, Tenri explained to Kureto what it meant to be a King, but within this, there were two ideologies:

Image taken from Seraph of the End: Vampire Reign - Chapter 57

A clash of ideologies between Tenri and Kureto

For humans, the definition of a King relies in two ideologies; the First one being of the total lack of trust, carrying everything alone; shouldering everything alone, erasing everything from one’s heart which means cutting ties to friends, lovers, family, etc.

But, is that what a real King requires to do?

No. A King needs subjects; a King needs to be a leader but also a shield of his own subjects and that is something Kureto learnt within the years; he saw that a person alone might be able to adquire power, but when that King is all alone against a real problem; the King will fall which is something that happened to Tenri; Tenri underestimated Kureto; he considered his son weak for the constat comparison between Mahiru and him; but that alone gave the upperhand to Kureto.

Kureto was aware his father wouldn’t pay heed to his actions which only allowed Kureto to get such title, the King of Humanity.

A benevolent King that seeks to see over his subjects and will aim to protect them, which is something seen in chapter 80:

Image taken from Seraph of the End: Vampire Reign - Chapter 80

Kureto lets Raimeki devour his desires so he can protect all the JIDA soldiers

2. King of Vampires/Queen of Vampires

Within this, there’s a hard discussion since it goes back and forth between the Vampire Progenitors and the Sire of all Vampires.

So far, we could say that the former King was Sika Madu until he decided to leave all his sired children alone for his own goals and ambitions. Which could be said he’s the former King of everything; therefore that ends up relying on two persons, the Queen and the King.

As far as we know, there used to be a previous Queen before Krul that of course, was killed by Tenri Hiragi; which only led for Krul to take the position as a Third Progenitor to take such spot; as for the King of Vampires or Head of the Vampire Council, such title relies to Urd Geales, but why?

If you might recall, there are two second progenitors but within this, only Urd stayed loyal to the Vampire Council compared to Rigr who decided to venture on his own goals and ambitions as well.

But how exactly were they chosen to be King and Queen? Was it their rank as progenitors or how long it took them to turn into vampires? What exactly could it be if we are aware there are several vampire progenitors that were sired by the First.

It could be said that for Urd Geales, asides from his age and rank, it was his demanor; what do I mean?

Urd is often seen as a vampire that holds calm and severity; he’s displayed to keep order but, at the same time, he’s willing to hear second opinions due to actions of other vampire progenitors which is something visible with Krul Tepes after she received her punishment.

Urd had doubts whenever changing their mentality was a good idea but realizing how dusty they were when it came to breaking taboos and research, he allowed information to go thanks to Ky Luc’s words on how they were left behind of everything:

Image taken from Seraph of the End: Vampire Reign - Chapter 68

After this, there was a conversation on how things got messed up with the First Progenitor and lastly, how her separation with Ashera ended but of course, Kagami left such topic for future chapters or so I believe.

Returning to the theory, let’s talk about Krul Tepes; how did she manage to be the Queen of vampires?

Asides from being the unique female vampire within the Vampire Council; she’s a 3rd progenitor sired by Sika Madu; within this, she slowly gained wisdom, severity but at the same time, despite how time passed with her; she always held down a soft spot for kids despite how she seemed like a character that was made of ice due to the passage of time:

Image taken from Seraph of the End: Vampire Reign - Chapter 96

Therefore, what made Krul a Queen?

Correct. She was made a queen due to her strict order but also due to a soft spot at heart even in the depths many vampires barely know; it could be said that despite seeing progenitors doubting some of her actions, they still followed her leadership no matter what when it came to the fight against humanity before all the stuff with the squads happened.

3. King of Demons

Now, another King that was labeled is the demon King Mikaela; but, why is he labeled as a King?

As for now, it could be said that this title is earned due to the fact that among demons, he is the most powerful, of course, excluding Shikama Doji from it since he’s even more powerful at the moment.

It is known that demons alone have a hierarchy to relate which one will be powerful or will have special abilities; so far, the only black demons known are:

Asuramaru

Kiseki-O

Gekkouin

Mahiru-no-Yo

Noya

Raimeki

Byakkomaru

Mikaela

Within said list, the last one is the one considered or labeled King due to its power and the fact that he’s called as Shikama’s child. But what defines a king between demons?

It is hard to tell due to the issue that demons themselves feed on desires, and the fact that “desires” is the key reason; it could be said that, despite seeing Mika being a newborn demon,what defined him as a King were his actions before turning into one; the great amount of greed, desire and fulfillingness within his heart was something even the demons from the black series couldn’t match up with.

Now that we’ve mentioned the 3 titles applied within the story, what’s the meaning of a KIng?

Despite seeing how the 3 titles work on different concepts, a King is meant to be someone willing to protect; despite the differences between races, each King has something to protect, to treasure, and desire among this.

What makes them being Kings is the length they take in order to achieve their goals, the sacrifice and their level of severity and that is displayed with each King and what they consider as Worlds to protect or rather their chambers or lands.

But within this, there’s something curious, what could it be?

These 3 kings from each race depend from one of another; what do I mean?

Correct. Humans require demons to survive in a destroyed world; but demons need them to survive as well and give them strength; as for vampires, they require humans to live and feed from. Humans alone can survive but the fact that humans are fighting a war it could be said it gives some the purpose to keep fighting and living.

Vampires aim to remain on what it’s left of peace in order to survive even if it means keeping humans as cattle though, it also depends a lot on which progenitor and their respective land.

As for demons, that is something new that will eventually be revealed.

But among these titles, the goal might be the end itself; it is highly possible that those 3 Kings will play their role on each side for one common enemy alone.

What do you think? Do you consider there are other factors that makes these characters worth of carrying such title?

Let me know!

gif belongs to clair-audients

[joyfulholland]

Where Stories Start

a/n: bookshop/coffeshop au! this idea came to me months ago and it has been a long process trying to get it into something actually readable, so i would love to hear people’s thoughts on it, and if people would like any more as i could definitely write a sequel! any comments/ideas/requests are more than welcome in my inbox!

warnings: none

word count: 3000

The first time you see him, you spill your drink all down your shirt.

Admittedly, it wasn’t his fault. You’d been trying to pick up the stack of books you had to take back to the shelves and had unsuccessfully balanced your coffee cup on the top. In a haste to save the books you’d thrown them back down, only for the end result to be your previously white shirt to have a large brown patch all down the front. A handful of napkins had suddenly been held out in front of you, and as you’d lifted your eyes to thank your helper, you’d been met with a much warmer shade of brown than the one now dominating your shirt.

“It’s the worst when that happens.” The handsome stranger smiled, before turning his head to nod at Theo, your co-worker manning the coffee bar that day. “See you later.”

He offered you another smile before turning to leave, a navy rucksack draped over one of his shoulders. You watched him walk towards the door for a second, before Theo’s voice brought your attention away.

“I’ve got a spare hoodie in my bag if you want it?”

“Yeah.” You nodded, thoughts still lingering on the man who’d just walked out. “Yeah, thanks Theo.”

*

You’d first gotten a job at Where Stories Start when you were a student, desperately in need of money to help you out whilst you studied. Stumbling in had been an accident, hoping to find reprieve from the rain by wasting an hour or two browsing the shelves. Then you noticed the coffee bar tucked away in the corner of the shop, surrounded by mismatched tables and chairs. By the time you’d explored both of the two floors, discovered the entire wall by the children’s section painted with a character for every letter of the alphabet, seen the “Book Swap” section near the coffee bar where people could exchange their old battered copies for others to enjoy whilst they drank, and had spent at least twenty minutes writing a review of ‘Who Will Love Polly Odlum’ for the “Book of the Month” display, you’d completely fallen in love with the place. It was as if it were fate when you noticed the help wanted sign on the pay desk, and you had immediately asked the woman behind it for an application. She’d introduced herself as Bryony, the owner, and had hired you with only a five-minute conversation as your interview. A couple of years later, when you were graduating, she’d promoted you to manager, claiming that whilst being a starving artist was admirable, until you’d achieved your dream of being an author, she wanted you to have a steady income from somewhere. She was your biggest supporter, letting you write from the desk when it was quiet and assuring you that taking any freelance writing jobs you could find wasn’t at all like selling out your dream, just a way of getting your writing out there. The bookshop had become your second home, and you always secretly thought that there was a little bit of magic to the place.

Maybe that’s what brought him into the shop so often too.

*

The second time you encountered the handsome stranger, it was a much quieter affair.

It was a Thursday afternoon, and the shop was reasonably quiet. You’d just settled in behind the desk to check through any online orders when the bell on the door chimed to signal someone entering. You glanced up to smile at whoever it was and were taken aback when it was the warm brown eyes from the week before.

“Hiya.” He grinned, closing the door behind him before crossing the space to lean on the desk in front of you. “No accidents yet today?”

“No, but there’s still time I suppose.” You chuckle, noticing a tattered copy of ‘Life of Pi’ in his hand. “Here to swap a book?”

“Yeah, I grabbed this last week and thought since I’ve got some time, I’d come have a tea and get a new one.” He nodded, waving the book up. “I only came in by chance to grab a present for my Mum, but the place is so great I felt I had to come back.”

“I know what you mean. I only came in to escape the rain and I’m still here three years later.”

“I think there are worse places to get stranded.” He joked, waving his book again. You laughed at his joke as he grinned, lifting his bag on his shoulder a little higher. “Well I won’t distract you from your work anymore. I’ll see you in a bit.”

“See you.” You nod, smiling before turning back to the desktop monitor. You watch him walk a few steps before he pauses, and you lift your head to see him turning to face you.

“I’m Tom, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you Tom.” You smiled, “I’m Y/N.”

*

Tom became a regular visitor after that week.

Every Thursday at around four o clock, he would come in, pause at the desk to chat with you, usually about whichever book he’d read that week, before heading over to the coffee bar to drink tea and start a new story. Sometimes you would join him; if the shop was particularly quiet and you had some writing to do, it was easy to slip into the chair opposite him and sit in a comfortable silence, occasionally sharing comments about what Tom was reading. Sometimes you would simply send him a wave as he entered; on the days were the shop was busy and you were constantly on the phone or helping a customer, you wouldn’t have chance to even say hello until he’d already packed away his things and was heading for the door. It became a nice routine, knowing that on a Thursday you’d see Tom, in whatever form your interaction took that week.

The only problem was that with each passing week, your attraction to him grew stronger.

You’d always found him good-looking, from the moment your eyes had met as he’d handed you the napkins. But as you spent more time together, you couldn’t help but find him more appealing as you discovered how his brain worked. Each time he finished a book you desperately wanted to know his opinions, whether they aligned with yours or not, simply so you could hear him speak. It was the passion in his voice as he spoke of his annoyance at how some characters acted, or how he was relived with the way a book had ended. You loved when he made connections between stories and his own life, especially when he related them to some anecdotes about himself, his friends and family.

It was these anecdotes that began the shift in your conversations to more personal matters. The stories he told would always prompt you to ask questions about the people who featured in them. You learnt about his three brothers, his best friend Harrison, his dog Tessa. Tom told you about his job working in what he described as “the most boring office in the world”, and how he was jealous of the people who got to follow their passion instead of just work to pay the bills. He, in turn, would question you on your family, your friends, your career ambitions. He’d constantly pester to read your writing, protesting when you told him it wasn’t ready yet.

“You’re such a cliché you know.” He chuckled one day, a few minutes after you’d settled down in the chair opposite him, coffee in one hand and laptop in the other.

“What?” Your eyes met his as you opened your laptop, raising your eyebrows as he smirked.

“You’re a writer who works in a book shop.”

“I’m an aspiring writer who manages a book shop.” You grin back at him, scrunching up one of the old Post-It notes stuck next to your mousepad and throwing it at him. “Very different.”

“Still a cliché.” He continued to smile as he diverted his eyes back to his book. You rolled your eyes as your own attention went back to your laptop, taking his cue to mean the conversation break was over.

The two of you were still smiling to yourselves an hour later when you packed up to help close the shop.

*

A week before Christmas, he burst through the door on a late Saturday afternoon, his hair dishevelled, his scarf extremely lopsided and a panicked look across his face. His eyes searched the shop until he found you re-stocking the shelves, walking towards you as a tall blonde man, looking much calmer followed casually, hands in his pockets as he smirked at his friend’s behaviour.

“Emergency.” Tom stated, skidding to a stop in front of you. The man with him chuckled and Tom shot a glare in his direction. “This is not a time to laugh Haz.”

“You should have been an actor, mate, always overdramatic.” He laughed, before extending a hand to you. “Harrison. You’re Y/N I presume?”

“Great to meet you.” You nod as you take his outstretched hand. “Heard a lot about you.”

“Likewise.”

“Oi,” Tom interrupted, his eyebrows furrowed. “I really am having an emergency here.”

“Sorry.” You turned your attention back to Tom, attempting to pull your face into a serious expression but failing. “How can I help?”

“It’s the office Secret Santa tonight and I forgot to get anything.” His words tipped you over the edge and you couldn’t help but laugh, prompting Harrison to join in. “This is serious, stop laughing. Steve will have my head if I turn up to the dinner later without one.”

“Okay, sorry.” You giggled, placing down the stack of books you’d still been holding down. “Who do you have to buy a present for and is there a price limit?”

“Edie, the receptionist. Limit is fifteen quid.”

“How old is she?”

“About fifty. She likes Agatha Christie I think, she’s always banging on about how it’s a shame that there’s no more Poirot.”

“Perfect.” You nod, grabbing his hand and pulling him to the crime and mystery section. It only takes you a couple of seconds to locate the orange cover you were searching for. “This is by Sophie Hannah. She’s writing a whole new set of Poirot stories in Christie’s style. And it’s five pounds under your budget, which means you can go to Tesco around the corner and buy a gift bag and some chocolates to make up the rest.”

“You’re a life saver.” A grin spread across Tom’s whole face, and before you could register what was happening, he leant forward and brushed a hasty kiss across your cheek. “Best pay for this and go, Haz and I are meeting the boys for a quick one before I go.”

He turned and walked towards the check out before you could reply, joining the short line around the corner to pay. After a few seconds, you shook your head before turning to return to where you’d been stacking, when you noticed Harrison was still there.

“Thanks for saving the day.” He smirked, nodding before starting after Tom. “It really great to meet you, he hasn’t stopped talking about you for weeks.”

*

The week the shop was closed for Christmas, you couldn’t help but miss Tom, despite the fact you’d only see him for an hour or two a week. When Thursday afternoon rolled around, you berated yourself for feeling a way about a man who’s friendship only existed within a small space and time, until a Facebook notification lip up your screen, displaying that you had a friend request from Tom Holland. You grinned to yourself as you accepted, a message coming through seconds later.

So I read your piece online about the Christmas placebo affect.

So you not only facebook stalked me, you also stalked my work

Well I kept asking to see it and you kept saying no

And it isn’t facebook stalking when we’re already friends

It’s completely normal for me to have found you on here and requested your friendship

So we’re friends now?

Of course we’re friends I showed you seven pictures of my dog last week I don’t just do that with anyone

Calm down stalker And you know I appreciated the pictures of Tessa

You know, I started this conversation with every intention of telling you my deepest thoughts and feelings about your piece but now I’m not going to

Ok fine with me

Great

Great

Good

Tom?

Yeah?

What did you think?

I think you’ve been holding out on me

*

One Monday afternoon at the end of January, you bumped into each other in a pub, nowhere near the book shop, and you both froze like deer caught in headlights. It was odd, to see him in a situation so alien to what you were used to. Your friendship had only recently shifted to one that existed outside of the book shop, but even that was only via Facebook. His shirt was slightly smarter than his usual Thursday afternoon clothes, and the red tint to his cheeks alongside the empty pint glass in his hand clued you into the fact that he probably wasn’t drinking tea. You stood frozen as you realised he too had been assessing your appearance, far less professional than your usual work attire, before your eyes met and you grinned at each other.

“Of all the gin joints.” He joked, taking a step towards you and wrapping his arms around you in a brief but tight hug. You were both still grinning as he stepped back. “Can I get you a drink?”

“Yeah, that’d be great.” You nodded, noticing the group he’d left behind. You recognised the faces of two of his brothers from photographs you’d seen, before Harrison caught your eye. The blonde smiled and waved at you across the room, before saying something to the group, whose eyes all turned to you in curiosity.

Tom bought your drink and offered for you to join them, even inviting your friends to come too. You declined, explaining it was someone’s birthday, before reaching out to give him another hug goodbye.

“See you Thursday.” He winked before turning back to join his group.

You returned to your own friends still grinning, rolling your eyes as they all started asking the same question; who was the handsome man at the bar?”

“That,” you grinned, eyes drifting over to where Tom now sat laughing with his friends again. “Was the Thursday Tom.”

*

“You’ve got some explaining to do.”

Tom was smirking as he came to lean his forearms on the desk, his rucksack already slung over his shoulder as he’d been in for over an hour.

“About?” You locked the shop desktop monitor before turning in your chair to fully face him.

“I’ve just seen your review of ‘Romeo and Juliet’.”

“Ahh.”

With it being the “month of love”, as Bryony had kept reminding you, you’d succumbed to peer pressure and made ‘Romeo and Juliet’ the Book of the Month. As shop manager, you were obligated to write a review for the display before the customers began to add their own. Normally, you were thrilled to do it, but this month you’d been very reluctant.

“You barely wrote anything.” Tom continued, smirk still in place. “Usually yours is the longest on there, even I could write more than your review.”

“I’m just not a fan.” You shrug, watching Tom’s face as he looked at you in disbelief.

“’Romeo and Juliet’ is the best love story of all time!” He exclaimed.

“Sorry I think you mispronounced ‘Pride and Prejudice’.” Your own smile only widens as he shakes his head at you.

“So you’re saying that millions of people are wrong.”

“It’s not even Shakespeare’s best work, ‘Hamlet’ is clearly the better play.”

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing. You’re an author, and you work in a book shop called Where Stories Start! ‘Romeo and Juliet’ is where most love stories start.”

“Exactly. That makes me more qualified than anyone.”

“Unbelievable.” Tom was grinning as he shook his head again. “Can I ask you to explain one more thing?”

“Go for it.”

“Would you say that our story started when you spilt your coffee down your shirt, or does it not start until I ask you to dinner on Saturday night?”

He’s still smirking as your smile turns into a look of shock, your brain unable to string a sentence together as you stare at him.

“I…well…it…did you just ask me out?” You splutter, finally regaining the ability to speak.

“Well, not technically.” His smile turned softer as he stood a little straighter. “Was trying to gage your reaction before I went for it. Have been, actually, since I first met you, but thought it would be strange to do when you were in the middle of trying to dry yourself.”

“Very considerate.” You nod, unable to stop the smile taking over your face. “Well, in my expert opinion. I would say that any moments leading up to you asking me out could be counted as a prelude, rather than where our story started.”

“Excellent, excellent.” Tom nodded, shifting his bag a little higher on his shoulder before grinning at you. “So, what do you say. Saturday night. Will you go to dinner with me?”

“I’d love to.” You nod, the grin taking over your own face. “And for the record, I’d have said yes if you’d asked me then too.”

Because maybe your story had started back when an accident had led to a stranger handing you a bunch of napkins, or maybe it properly yet to start. Or maybe, it had started before, when two individuals had stumbled into a random shop in two separate spontaneous moments. You supposed you couldn’t really be sure.

But you did know that you were still only at the beginning.

[jamiedc-they-them]

Reckless Pride (Platonic)

hey can i request a dany x sibling!reader where r tells dany how coming to westeros was a bad idea, and that they'll follow her no matter what and then they're on raeghal when hes shot down and then idk angsty... B

Being twins was a thing that sometimes happened. It just was. Granted, with your family history, didn’t have the best expectations. But you and your twin sister broke them. Instead of fucking, you didn’t. Good job you.

You and Danny acted like actual siblings; none of those longing stares of that type of love. No, just sibling love between you both. You were both best friends rather than fuck buddies.

Still, your brother wasn’t the biggest fan of that. He hated that you both didn’t give him what he wanted. He wanted heirs with his blood. He wanted a throne for himself. That selfishness drove him. It drove him to lash out at you both and hate you both with a fiery (pun intended) fashion.

That was what led (other than just being twins) to you both being protective of the other. Danny more so as you held the more masculine tropes; anger, hate, vengeance, little emotional expression. Obviously, Danny was the other side of that coin.

So, when the chance came for your brother to get what he wanted; he took it instantly. He didn’t care that it meant selling your sister and being with those he deemed savages. Granted, their methods were wild and what not. But, to him, they were nothing more than pawns.

Danny and you saw some sort of humanity to them. Even if not much; you saw how much genuine care Drogo showed your sister. Even how seemed to keep on eye on you too (be that either by Danny’s request or otherwise). That definitely pissed your brother off.

“So, I see the little whore has got you under the Khal’s protection?” Your brother sneered as he entered your tent. While you had both once feared him (Danny still did) you had learnt how to piss him off and how to use it against him.

“Careful, brother. Reckless ambition normally ends in consequences they didn’t see coming.” You warned your brother. Danny entered the tent, so she heard your warning that was meant for your brother.

“Y/N!” She yelled out in concern as she ran to your side after your brother punched you. You had to admit, he did have a good punching arm on him.

She grabbed you as you tried to get back at him, barely holding you back. She kept a hand to your chest to keep you from creating more conflict and escalate things further than they already had been.

“Y/N calm down…calm down.” She whispered to you softly, but she was scared. She was scared for the both of you. As much as she didn’t care for her other brother. You were her best friend, her twin. You were someone who would her back and she would always have theirs.

No matter what.

 Your brother was a bother, a massive pain in the ass. And other words. Either way, when he came stumbling into the tent where a party was being held, you watched with calculating eyes. You watched as he went towards Danny (after finding her, of course) with a drunken stagger. Even then, you could tell that he was not in the best of mindsets (even at the best of times when it came to you both).

As soon as the sword was drawn, you started to walk over to help Danny out; however, Jorah stopped you and gave you a look that told you to calm down. Danny moved her eyes to you and slightly shook her head.

Her eyes gave you a simple message, “I’ve got this”

So, you watched as she stood up to face him with an apathetic look. She’d already eaten a heart and found a genuine connection with the Khal. Still, as a worried brother you watched your twin. You knew you both always felt fear for the other that one day you would lose them.

Still, you watched as your brother was brought to his knees and the Khal threw gold into the pot that was bubbling away happily. Danny held out her hand for you; you took it and stood next to her. For once, the roles were flipped. You were the emotional one whereas Danny kept her’s in check.

“He won’t hurt us anymore.” She promised you and gave your hand a squeeze as said person’s screams echoed for a moment before gong still. A BANG! Made you look and see the melted gold on his head.

 You were in your own tent. For once in what had been a long time, you were speechless and slightly scared. Don’t get it wrong, your brother deserved what had happened to him. It was just…the look on her face. Something had been opened; a door you were sure she was going to walk through herself. A door to a dark place. A place where anything would be done to get what she wanted.

You closed your eyes, hating yourself for thinking that about your sister that had been nothing but kind to you since birth. Then again, everyone had a darkness inside of them. Everything was capable of dropping the deep end and never coming back from it.

Although you hated it, you knew your mind had a point. You knew that something had snapped inside Danny. It was a subtle shift.

You closed your eyes and let out a breath. If you were going to help her not fall down the path that your brother fell down; you were going to have to act now rather then later.

So, you left to find your sister to do the first step in a plan you were making up the whole time.

Step 1: Fight for her in her army while also being a trusted advisor to her. That way you could keep an eye on the two fronts.

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You were 8 when your brother first hit you. It was out of defiance of something about your sister (your brain made you forget what the topic was) and the next moment, a hand struck your face and you fell to the ground.

“Y/N!” A same aged Daenerys ran over to you as she yelled your name in pure concern.

“Step away from him, whore!” He yelled; that boiled rage in you. You swung at him and caught him off guard. As soon as you did, you grabbed Danny’s hand and ran with her.

You entered his room and hid under his bed. You knew he’d check your rooms first and never suspect his own to be the chosen hiding place.

“Why did you do that?” She asked you with an unsteady pace. Her breathing was picking up, she was panicking.

“I had to protect you and defend you –”

“But, look at has happened to you in the process –” She lightly pressed a hand to your bruised cheek. You grabbed the hand and lowered it slowly.

“I’m fine.”

“Just…don’t be so reckless like that, again.” She warned you.

Funny that she was the one who gave you that warning back then.

 Danny held some resistance, but she let you fight. She seemed to see that you were better suited out there anyway than cooped up inside.

So, with Jorah as a mentor, you learnt how to properly fight. Even the Khal gave you private ones. So, you could fight on two fronts: honourable and not honourable. To you, it didn’t matter if it was honourable or not, it just mattered you won, and the opponent didn’t. You weren’t much of a believer in a life after this one; so, killing someone with non-honourable way wouldn’t exactly matter if you made it through and not them.

So, you learnt what you could form the two whiles being at Danny’s side when she needed you. Being an ear to guide her and a brother to her when she needed that support. One of those times was when the Khal had sadly passed.

You had started a genuine friendship with him. He called you brother on a few occasions and fought with you when you needed backup. He loved you like his own. Obviously, getting along with him made Danny happy. She wanted her twin to be involved with her goal as much as possible. As of now, you were the only human of her family that was still around. So, she wanted you in her life, even if she worried about you going out on these missions

Now he was gone, and there was nothing either of you could do about it.

 “Danny –” You said softly as you entered her tent.

“Not now, Y/N.” She said, stopping you before you said anything.

“Danny –” You tried again, knowing that she shouldn’t have to go through this alone.

“I said not now!” She yelled at you in raw, unfiltered grief.

You didn’t say her name again, you only took her in your arms and held on tight as she tried to fight back. In the end, however, she sunk into them and cried. Just let it all out, all the grief and pain. She cried, sobbing into you.

You didn’t say anything, you just let her cry. You knew words wouldn’t help her through this moment. She had lost a child and lover near enough in the same moment. You knew this would only drag her further through that open door. But you knew that bringing it up now would not be a good idea. You knew that it was better to leave it for now.

For both of your sakes.

 “Sorry.” Danny said softly as you flinched away from the sting that trying to clean your cut had caused. Neither of you wanted the other in pain. Yet, here you were, yet again after getting your ass kicked by your brother for something or other. It wasn’t like he needed a reason to hate you both anymore.

It just seemed like merely existing and being a threat to what he wanted was enough justification for him to hit you and do whatever monstrous acts he did to Danny. You didn’t want to even think about that.

“It’s ok. Just stung is all.” You told her. She, in a gentler way, dabbed the cloth on your face.

“It’s not ok. One of these days, you’re going to get yourself killed because of this.” Thinking about it now, you would’ve laughed.

“You know we can just put a heated blade to it, right?” You said to her, moving on from the confrontational words.

“What?” She asked, in a moment of shock and concern. However, after a beat, she understood what you meant and went to fetch one. You grabbed her hand and showed her one you always seemed to keep in case of emergency.

She didn’t confront you on that, only left to heat it to use. She could only theorize that you would use it on your brother when you had the chance. Although, the chances of that getting you killed shot right up.

If she was scared for you before, after that day she was terrified.

 Meereen was another piece to her puzzle to gain control. She already had a footing; she’d burned slavers and freed slaves. But you were worried, very worried. But, right now, a rider from the city was coming out to face you all.

Daenerys turned to you all, the three of you (a new friend being the third) all putting yourself up as bait to go after him.

“I’ll go.” You said, and Danny couldn’t hold her worry as she instantly answered you. She was calm with the other two. Then it came to you.

“No.” You, her best friend since birth, her twin. She needed you with her. She wanted you to be there at the end.

“Danny, I can beat him.” You assured your sister.

“I said no.” She said, more firmly. For a moment, the two saw a more vulnerable side to her. A side she tried to hide. With them, she was calmer. But, with you, it was raw, sisterly, instinct driving her here.

“Let him.” She looked to Jorah with shock. Even if she just called him one of her closest friends. IN this moment, she couldn’t look angrier and more disappointed in him.

She looked at you, seeing the confidence in your eyes. She knew, in that moment, that you weren’t the children either of you were now. You were a fighter. You always had been.

 You let him come to you, something your new friend had taught you. Instead of going on the attack, you’d play defence and then go on the attack.

You let him rid, let him get his hopes up that he would win. He got closer, and closer, and closer, and closer. He rods more and more, eager to reach you and then to kill you. To prove himself to his city.

The next moment, his horse fell to the ground. He tumbled to it, rolling in his armour.

You approached him, blank face as you did so. Danny watched you with an impressed look. As you got to him, you only stabbed him and ended his life.

Was it fair? No. But, you were alive, and you weren’t.

Danny had sent broken cuffs to the walls of the city before the fight. You saw it in her eyes. The truth she carried, that she had freed them.

But you also saw the lie as well, that it meant all her actions were in the right.

 “You bitch!” Your brother yelled as he went to strike Danny. You ran up to him, pushing him away. He turned his gaze onto you.

“No, Y/N stop! Stop! Leave him, Y/N. Leave him. It’s ok –”

“It’s not ok!” You yelled; your brother only watched you with fiery eyes.

“I know. But you must leave it. Please –”

“You don’t deserve this.” You said, keeping your gaze on your brother.

“Maybe. But, leave it.” You looked at her, “Leave it. I’ll see you after.” You were speechless. Your sister, as much as she hated it, was allowing it.

But what had hurt you was that it came out as an order; no longer a plead.

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You had the city, and she was loved. That was the issue, she was loved. No one was challenging her. It was just what she said goes. Granted, she was the queen and all that. But any argument that didn’t go her way, she walked away or merely didn’t change her view until someone else did.

If no one else was going to do it, you were.  

“No.” Now you were firm.

“Y/N –” Danny tried to say, but you continued.

“Your going to marry one of the bastards?!” You were loud; the other ones in the room only watched you both.

“I need to keep control –”

“Through marriage?! To him of all people!” She had seen you angry before; but it had never been directed at herself. She started to see her older brother in this moment, not her twin brother.

“I’m losing control. It’s either slavers rioting or the slaves themselves. Some want chains, others don’t. What would you have me do?!”

“Listen to us! Ask us for fucking advice! And actually listen! Instead of dismissing or argue. For –” You stopped yourself before you would cross some kind of line, “Just, why have us if all you want from us is for us to saw you’re right and move on.”

Your words got to her; they struck a chord with her. If more than anything, they hurt her. But, to you, this is what you needed. It was what she needed. She needed someone to calm her down. She was starting to lose control and was willing to do anything to hold onto it.

Yes, your brother was a monster, no question. Now, however, she was the one who was going to a dark place to keep some kind of peace and control.

Yes, this place was vital in some way as a home and place to stay for now. But her end goal was to go across the sea and take over the seven kingdoms. It wasn’t to stay here, so why did it matter if you did or not have this place.

“They want chains. Let them –” She looked at you in shock.

“Y/N…” She drifted off, looking at you in disappointment. She was about to go into queen mode again when you spoke up before she could.

“What would Viserys do in this situation? If he was still here? If he was still in control?” You asked. Now, you had crossed that line.

“Get out.” She had never used him against you. Now you were doing that to her. She wouldn’t let it slide.

You went to talk, probably to try and take it back. But she had heard enough already, “I said. Get. Out.” She was definitely in queen mode now. Now, you were merely a soldier. You weren’t an advisor. You were a soldier in her command.

 “Are you ok?” You asked your sister as she walked into the room; she didn’t answer, only placing herself at the balcony.

“Come on Danny, talk to me.” You begged her, standing next to her.

She only looked out at the view. Yes, what he did was horrible. But –

“You can’t keep doing that.” She said, softer than she had before.

“I can’t just let him hurt you.”

“You can help me after, just like I do you.”

“Did he tell you to –”

“No! I hate him just as much as you do,” She turned to you, “But, angering him more does not do anything but make it worse. I need you to stop doing that.” Now she was the one who was reckless.

She saw the conflict on your face. She saw the dialogue you were having with yourself internally. Like most twins, you could read each other easily.

“I don’t like it either,” She told you, softening her voice more, “But…. just do this. For me, please?” She asked, taking your hand in her own.

 “We have a mission from our Queen. One she wants just for yourself.” Grey Worm said as he approached you. He had respected you. Only now, he looked at you as another of his men. He cared for them, and you. But you were ultimately at the beck and call of your leader.

“Why just me?” You asked as you stood up.

“She ordered it. We don’t question her.” God, it sounded like a cult. Yes, you knew the importance of armies and having a good amount of control; and you knew that they were in debt for her for being saved by her.

However, you knew that she had fully gone through that door. Now she had a place to live. She was close to being able to go over to the other side of this world to go after an Iron chair. You were sure she was starting to become disillusioned with her family name. A lifetime of abuse and powerlessness mixed with loneliness was driving her now.

It seemed she was even willing to lose you both in death in bond wise. Seemed she was risking anything and everything to get to this throne now.

You were sure that if you said no, you’d either be arrested or killed. So, with no other choice, you took the job.

 You could see why she gave it to you. It was a hit job; something that been attempted on her a few times. Even yourself. Now, she was using those tactics on her enemies. And sending in a person she used to see as a brother rather than another name of a list of people to send out to die.

So, you went. It was a slaver, a bad person, you wouldn’t debate that at all. He was a man who owned people and hurt them if they disobeyed. Now, you were continuing that reckless cycle of death and punishment. Only now you were a free person doing the killing.

The man tried to fight back; tried being the key word. You merely slashed him in the belly and then snapped his neck. It was quick, simple even.

 The next time you helped her heal the physical wounds, she was crying too much to talk. You weren’t going to hold it against her, though. You knew it was bad what he did. Now, however, you just had to help her heal physically. You knew mentally would be another ball game entirely.

“Tha—Thank you.” Daenerys said to you with a stutter.

“Of course, we need to watch out for each other, right?”

She nodded, “Right.”

 “Is it done?” Your queen asked you as you walked back into the main room. For once, you were at the entrance and being the one who was scrutinised by her rather than you are being by her side and trying to find the truth yourself.

“Yes, my Queen.” You answered, making sure to hold the last word to make your feelings on this known.

She looked you up and down, “Very well.” She said, dismissing you.

 A few months of fight after fight, you had gone across the sea. But, at this point, your dynamic was almost completely void. You had barely spoken, neither of you trying to patch things up where you left off.

During your visit, you were called, “My lord” even if you weren’t looking like one in any way, shape or form.

Hell, even the way you held yourself argued otherwise. You only spoke when spoken to and not at any other point.

You looked and acted hollowed.

It had gained the attention of Jon Snow. Who, while he had begun some sort of dynamic with Daenerys; with you he had become a friend to you? He had taken the time of day to speak to you and bond with you. Plus, a trip beyond the wall helped you get closer as well. If it wasn’t for him, you’d have been dead a few times.

 When you got to Winterfell, it led to Arya Stark finding you an intriguing person. Someone called a lord but held themselves as anything but.

“Place at the table free?” She asked as she had approached you silently.  You had been sat at a table with others, but you were one your own for the most part.

“Course, my lady.”  You answered as if an autopilot.

She sat, liking the silence for a moment. She hated small talk as of late. Seemed you did too, that just made her more interested in talking to you.

“Why aren’t you up with your sister?” She asked you, gesturing her head towards the woman in white.

“Not really much of a sister now.” She looked at you with a confused look.

“Then what is she?”

“A queen to anyone else who’d asks it.” She nodded but continued her question.

“And to you?”

“Just like the rest of them. Someone willing to risk it all for something so tame.” You were honest, it had been the first time you’d told anyone out loud.

“She seems lonely.” She commented.

“Yeah, well. Accidentally push some people away in an attempt to focus on what you want, that’s what you get.” Arya was more intrigued now. You were honest and not a bullshitter. You had survived the game so far, so you had to be doing something right.

She decided she liked you and sat with you on the table.

 Daenerys had spotted you talking to the young Stark. She watched you as you smiled and spoke. She missed you, she did. She missed having you by her side to support her as an advisor/soldier/brother. Now it was just the middle option.

She wanted to apologise, she wanted to get things back on track. But she wouldn’t show weakness here. Not in front of these people who would soon be under her rule.

 The battle against the dead had come and gone. A night that had taken a lot of lives, almost yours in certain situations. Arya and you had stuck together during it apart from the end.

It had, however, taken a close friend of yours, Jorah.

At the funeral, Arya stood with you as you watched your friend be burned and put to whatever came next.

 As you walked off, you felt a hand grab your arm. You turned, seeing your sister look at you as something other than a soldier for once. You caught Arya’s eye, and nodded for her to continue. She did as ask.

“What, my queen?” She hated the way you threw the name back at her. She was hurting, as were you. But, right now, she wanted; no, she needed support.

“When we go to Kings Landing, I want you to ride Raeghal.” You watched her with mistrust, as if she could be lying to you. She hated it, “I need us to be ok.” She said, maybe it was the grief, the hurt of losing a close friend that made her not look at you as a soldier anymore.

Despite the anger you carried, you nodded. It was something. Something was better than nothing.

 So, you rode. Well, you flew, but still. You flew for what you were sure was your first time. But you seemed to be quite adept at it, despite this fact. As you did, Danny watched with a happy smile. Despite the pain of losing Jorah, having you be happy for once was enough to help for a little.

That was until the spike went through Raeghal. She could only watch as you fell on top of the dragon.

“NO!” She cried out as she watched you hit the waves below. She rose up to the clouds, then went straight down.

She was gong to make them pay.

 She had lost her best friend next. The losses were piling up, she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. She couldn’t lose anyone else. Well, that was mainly because there was no one else. There was no one else left to lose really.

Then her heart hurt more at the last memory of you being you falling towards the ocean.

So, as Jon approached to try and get her to spare the people of Kings Landing. She only had one thing to say.

“Would they have shown Y/N the same mercy if they had him at their mercy?” Jon knew the answer just as well as she did.

No; no, they wouldn’t. So, why should she?

 You washed up on shore. How? You had no idea; mainly just pure dumb luck had brought you there. You were alive though, that was what had mattered.

You closed your eyes a moment. You could just stop here; you could just stop and give up and let yourself die. You could just let your sister have her way in the dark door that she was shutting behind her now.

 “Danny.” You said as you got ready to leave with the Dothraki. She was terrified, something you understood. You felt your own fear for her. But it was just another dumb and reckless move your brother was making in a mere hope that he could reach his end point.

“Yes, Y/N?” She asked you in a soft, almost childlike voice.

“Look at me,” She did so,” Look, whatever happens. I’ll be there, ok? I’ll be there until the end.” You promised her.

 No, you couldn’t stop. Especially not when you heard screams in the distance.

You stood to your feet, saying, “fuck the armour” and ditching it. It was ruined anyway and would only run you down.

If there was one thing those that taught you to fight had done, it was show you how to conserve energy the best way possible.

So, you ran, you ran as fast as you could towards the screams.

The screams that you knew had been caused by your sister.

 You saw the burning gate of Kings Landing as your own lungs burned. How you made it? You didn’t know, you were just glad you did.

It was then you saw a horse coming out of the gate, a white one. It was one that belonged to Arya Stark. You continued onward to try and catch up with your friend.

“ARYA!” You yelled to her. Somehow, your voice reached her, and she stopped, before meeting your gaze. She dropped from her horse and ran to you, you both embraced each other.

“I thought we lost you.” She said, in a voice that was different to what you were used to. It was scared, an almost childlike one. It reminded you of your sister. The one who had the firepower to burn the city and do the damage that had been caused.

“Are you alright?” You asked her as you gave her a once over. She did the same to you.

“Are you?” She asked, concern dripping from her words.

“I’ll live,” Your words gave her some ease, “Now, where’s my sister?”

 She was giving a speech, your apparent death apparently meaning nothing at this point. She stood, talking about all the chaos as if it was the plan all along, as if it was a victory rather than what it actually was.

A defeat. A massacre.

You moved forward, only for your friend to grab your arm. You looked to her and she shook her head.

“You can’t go out there, you’ll be killed.” She warned you.

“I have to stop her.” You vowed. She nodded, agreeing with you; but she then nodded her head behind you. Turning, you saw Jon walking up to her.

“Come on, we’ll go around. I used to run around this area when I visited. We can take a shortcut to get up there without getting caught.” You nodded, following your friend as she did so.

 “I have to get in there.” You said as you walked between the two siblings. Jon looked at you with shock, but it died when he looked at Danny once again. The woman he loved and his aunt. It was complicated. So, maybe the cycle wasn’t completely broken.

“I don’t know how to do it…” He drifted off. You saw his conflict first-hand; you looked at Arya. She seemed to be more guarded in his moment, but she softened as she saw your sad look and nodded. You gave your own, knowing what you had to do.

“I’ll do it.” You said, Arya gave you a blade to do it with.

You looked to Jon, giving him a pat on the arm and leaving to do what needed to be done.

 “Y/N…” You heard Danny say as you looked up to meet her gaze. Her eyes watered as she looked at you with that sisterly love that had been lost so long ago and replaced with either apathy or slight care.

“Did you even look for me?” You asked, for once not feeling selfish in your question.

“I had a war to win, Y/N. And, look, we made it. We did it. Father’s stories weren’t true…. But we won!” She was excited; you’d never seen her this excited apart from when you were both younger and heard those stories.

Now, this seemed to be the end of that story.

“One last hug before you take the seat?” You asked, trying to keep your voice from cracking. She obliged your request, running over and hugging you tightly. It had been the first hug you’d have in so long.

“I love you, Y/N. I’m so sorry I did that to you. You’re my brother. The good one. I shouldn’t have pushed you away like that.” She went to say more, but a knife was plunged into her before she could do so.

She gasped, eyes wide staring back at you as she looked at the blade in her stomach. You held her shoulder’s as you laid her down on the ground. She looked at you with that childlike innocence for a moment longer.

“I’m sorry.” Was your last exchange before her breathing stopped and her eyes glazed over?

You let out a sob as you fell back. You had done what had been needed; you stopped the cycle of death and destruction. You had stopped her reckless moves, only if a little too late.

You felt a hand on your shoulder, you saw Jon above you. He held out an arm for you. You took it and was hauled to your feet.

“Give me the knife,” You looked at him with confusion, “I’ll take the fall,” You went to answer back; to argue your case when he continued, “You’ve done so much for family in a short space of time. You brought Arya back to her humanity. And you helped us when needed. Just…let me help you this time.” So, you handed him the blade, uttering only two words.

“Thank you.”

 You stayed out of the politics, but Jon was being banished beyond the wall. However, it was a fit thing for the man, he was always better there anyway.

Oddly, you were invited by the Stark’s to see them off. Seems Jon’s words were right.

So, you stood to the side as you watched the siblings see each other off. Even if seeing it hurt you a little. Once they had all said their own goodbyes, they looked to you and silently told you to approach.

“I almost lost myself,” Arya admitted, “But, meeting you helped show me the path I was on and what it could lead to. Thank you for that, Y/N.” She said as she hugged your firmly. She seemed to sense your grief as well, as she tightened it a little more at your tense reaction.

“I’ll be sure to write to you and let you know what I found.” She told you as she pulled away.

Sansa gave you a smile, “Winterfell is always going to be open to you, my lord. You’re welcome any time you’d want to visit. We’re in a great debt to you.” She said, you smiled gratefully at the offer; you bowed to her to show your gratitude.

Bran just watched; you didn’t really have much to say to the new king. Besides, he probably saw it coming anyway.

Jon looked at you with mixed emotions; not at yourself, of course; but at your actions, “You can still come, if you want.” He offered you, sweetly.

“I can’t,” You declined, “I need to fix this. I couldn’t stop her quick enough. So, I have to try and help rebuild what she broke.” Jon nodded, respecting your answer and reasoning.

“I wish you well, lord Y/N.” You placed your arm on his.

“I wish you a safe journey, Jon Snow.”

 You were the last Targaryen now. That was once told to be a dangerous thing. But, in your eyes, it was going to be peaceful. Yes, you’d morn your sister for years to come. But you had a calmer spirit now. The reckless streak in you had been buried years ago. But now it was gone for good.

 Now you could focus on the future. Now you could slowly rebuild. After all, you’d seen what happens when you rush it and give into power.

[life-rewritten]

Flower of Evil: Loving someone who does not know what love is Episode 8

Do you love her?” Do Hae Su asks, she can see that Hyun So has changed, it seems crazy to her that he developed a new identity, talks about his daughter and his wife like they are the most precious things to him, and speaks about them with so much energy and excitement. Her brother has changed, there’s a bounce to him, a spring, a light, so it shocks her when he answers coldly “No I’ve never thought that way”

Loving Someone who does not know what love is

That’s my own narration of that scene in episode 8. You know the scene, the one where Jiwon goes to find out about her husband and realises he reunited with his sister, and that he’s not the serial killer everyone thinks he is. Only to be brought down, shattered and betrayed by one dialogue. Hyun So is asked if he loves his wife, the wife he’s been married to and is the relationship that is the envy of everyone in the show, that wife that he’s been married for over 5 years, he says he doesn’t love her. He says it with such definitiveness, and assurance that she knows he’s not lying. He says it so coldly like what they have meant nothing. And she goes with it. Jiwon decides that he’s been using her from the first time he gave into her; he’s been using her for his own gain and to not get caught by the police...

Except this doesn’t add up to an audience who has just seen the whole truth about Hyun So, we’ve experienced with him his actual crisis; 

His self hate for his disorder which causes people to pull away from him. 

 the abuse and trials he went through because of his disorder.

 And we know he’s not a cold-blooded killer. 

So what gives? Does he really think he doesn’t love his wife? Does he not love her? Really? What? How!!!

 It was a painful moment in the show and the audience is forced to come up with answers to deal with the pain.

 He doesn’t know he loves her because he can’t feel emotions  because of trauma formed from abuse in his past and betrayals from people.

 He does know he doesn’t love her and is using her for logical means; most likely to make his father stop haunting him, and to protect his identity being her husband. 

He doesn’t know he loves her because he really can’t fall in love because of his ‘ASPD’/disorder which makes him unable to feel emotions.

The whole question is based again on understanding more about the perceived antisocial personality disorder that we the audience have been told/shown Do Hyun So has. And it brings the question in Jiwon’s head when she hears it; 

Can Sociopath’s fall in love? 

Can they be attached and obsessed with someone instead? 

Can they act like they are in love forever as long as it fulfils their ambitions? 

Will our ship/couple get the happy ending they deserve choosing to fight with each other against the world no matter what? 

Or are we doomed to see them separate amicably? 

It’s a lot of questions all surrounding ASPD, and just like Jiwon, we’re left feeling stressed and determined to get to the end to see where the show wants to go. 

But I’m someone who needs evidence, I’m someone who doesn’t take things face value. The subtext, evidence, actions we’ve been shown in the show is already showing that there’s a misdirection, misunderstanding and miscommunication somewhere. One of the parts aren’t fitting together. 

And the answers lie on  Hyun So’s perspective on relationships and feelings of love. Think about it from episode 1 to 8 we’ve watched these two’s involvement, we’ve seen how they began, their marriage with a  daughter and now their current downfall. There is no way on earth that there isn’t some kind of love/want/obsession here. So I’m going to break it down using what’s been given so far to explore these options

Can Hyun So fall in love?

Disorders and Nature

We’ve been told and shown that Hyun So was diagnosed with Anti Social Personality Disorder  at a very young age even though there was not enough information for it at that time. We’ve been told (remember been told not shown) that he’s prone to anger, hurting animals, and lacking empathy and sympathy for situations and people. This means that he is unable to feel the emotions of love because love requires empathy and compassion. 

We are then shown how Hyun So interacts with people so far, this is narrated by Moojin in episode 8, he confirms that Hyun So has been selfish, and doesn’t communicate properly with people, isn’t helpful when someone is going through a crisis and makes situations worse because he says things he’s not meant to. He doesn’t care who he hurts with his words or actions. 

We are also shown Hyun So’s own point of view of this question when he rejects Jiwon at first. He tells her he has issues understanding and being friendly to people, he doesn’t understand emotions, and he struggles to emote feelings because he enjoys beating people up. He warns her that he won’t be able to love her accurately the way she wants. And she tells him it’s okay she’ll help him learn to love. She should have remembered this conversation when she heard he doesn’t love her. (If he was going to lie to her and pretend he loves her he wouldn’t have tried so hard to stop her from being with him at the beginning). We also see that after he says he doesn’t love her, he admits that he doesn’t know what that feeling is, so he can’t say he does. So, for now, he thinks he doesn’t. Let’s look away from his disorder for a bit and focus on the second thing stopping him from being able to love. 

Trauma and Grooming

There’s a saying about murderer’s and people who seem of; were they born with it or made to become it? Was it nature vs nurture? Nature so far is connected with his inability to love because of his ‘ASPD’. Nurture is to do with the environment around him. Hyun So’s father, first of all, is shown to be intrigued by violence, murder and seems manipulative and calculating. He’s also the notorious serial killer Do Min Seok, who killed many victims continuously before he was caught. This environment already suggests grooming of his son and trauma, causing Hyun So to not want to love someone. The basement Jiwon takes Hyun So in episode 7 is where the killings apparently happen, Hyun So is triggered by whatever memories he has there, and Jiwon can see he’s traumatised by his past. 

Evidence of grooming is also shown in episode 5 and 8;

 His father coerces Hyun So to kill the person he has managed to fight (the guy who stole his money), and Hyun so fights with himself to not do so. 

Next, his father in another flashback gave Hyun So the animals he was said to hurt and told him to do anything with it. Hinting that he was okay with Hyun So’s ASPD and wanted him to continue being more cold and unfeeling and hurtful to life. This again suggests that Hyun So’s stunted growth of feelings and emotions was embedded in him by grooming of his father so he could one day become like him, and kill people. This suggests again that Hyun So is right, he has not had the opportunity to know what romantic love is because the love he was taught and received was colder and more manipulative and hurtful. 

We also have his sister (who is the antithesis of his father) she is the person who has been by his side and sees him for who he is, she’s defensive and protective of him. Still, she also encourages stunted growth as shown in the flashback when she tells Hyun So to never fight or say no to his father. She tells him to do what the father tells him to do and not argue. This relationship is the only thing that shows proof that he might have received some kind of love, but this love is not still the same as romantic love. 

For Trauma:

There’s also the mystery and trauma of his cassette player, a woman is singing a lullaby, and it triggers Hyun So whenever someone tries to take it from him or listen to it. He sees it like his precious object, and he likes listening to it. He’s fiercely protective and will hurt whoever tries to take it away. We can guess that this is his mother or a woman who is important to him. This woman’s humming seems gentle and full of love and because it seems that he’s fiercely protective of this is because the woman is no longer near him, it suggests death and loss, and again shows the failure of the people who could have helped Hyun So feel love. 

The people in his village/town are also connected to the lack of respect around Hyun So, they violently abuse him for his disorder, called him names and feared him. He couldn’t trust friends as they betrayed him, and used him to steal money, or whatever they wanted. And the only romantic love he was exposed to his sister and her boyfriend Moojin became laughable because Moojin became cruel once he found out who the father really was, calling her names and breaking up with her.

 The environment he was groomed in continued to support the stunted growth of feelings and emotions and prevented him from knowing what real romantic love is. So yes, he doesn’t know what love is. 

So far the answer to this question taking account all of this is that no, Hyun So cannot fall in love because he was born with the ability not to love and was forced to be in an environment when love was not supported/trusted. Love was hurtful. This then brings the question: With Jiwon, can he get attached to her romantically?

Can Hyun So feel attached to Jiwon instead? 

Obsession and Attachment

Whenever I researched about ASPD and sociopathy, especially with the question, can they fall in love? I’m always told that they can not fall in love, but they can be attached because of obsession and addiction. 

I’ve seen an example of this idea in the show Psycho but it’s okay where we were led to believe that the main character with ASPD Moon Young was actually just obsessed with Gang Tae at first, This is before we learnt that she doesn’t have ASPD but was groomed to have it by her mother with the disorder and she can feel love and emotions. The idea of obsession with someone and addiction comes off as toxic co-dependency. It’s not a healthy relationship when one clings to someone obsessively normally. 

So what could be the clues that instead of loving Jiwon, he’s become obsessed with her and can’t let her go?

 Well, when they first meet, he realises that Jiwon makes his dad go away each time he kisses her. Being with her prevents him from feeling trauma and fear from the memories of his father. Being with her removes the haunting and visions(This is similar to Psycho, but it’s okay as well). Thus like Moon Young, he could become obsessed with Jiwon, needing her by his side because she helps fulfil that one needs to stop seeing his father. 

We  then know that if there is something he really wants as he finally admits in episode 8, it’s to keep living on as Baek Hee Sung. This could be because he just wants to not be captured by the police and arrested for his past, or does not want to go through what he went through in his past. He is comfortable the way he is. In order to continue living as Hee Sung, he told his adoptive parents that he’s using Jiwon to keep on living that identity. He also now is attached to her because she is the key to staying Baek Hee Sung. 

Logically he needs her to continue being his wife so that: 

 People don’t ask questions

 He can be safe from the police and know intel (she’s a detective)

 He needs to pretend to love her to make sure his goal is accomplished, to stay Baek Hee Sung. He mentions to his adoptive parents in episode 1 that he’s married to her because she sees what she wants to see, so he can easily manipulate and give her what she wants to see and stay safe. Her gullibility (though we know he doesn’t think she’s gullible) and her love for him could be manipulated in many ways to keeping his goals. 

Once we look at this option we can say Hyun So is right he doesn’t love Jiwon, but he is attached to her because she makes life easy for him. He’s only acting to be in love her because he’s researched how to do so, and it’s not automatic or real. This also answers the third question as long as she’s useful to him, he’ll keep pretending to love her but once she’s not, he can discard away everything because she’s not essential to him.

 However, I feel like this is where this all falls apart, and that’s their very first interactions. Hyun So shows that these three questions don’t apply to him by one act. He stayed outside to protect her in the night and ensure her store doesn’t get robbed. That one action disproves all of the queries. 

Does Hyun So love Jiwon?

Proof and Subtext

It disproves that his ASPD prevents him from feeling emotions or worry. Because he didn’t have to care about her store, or about her feeling safe. He didn’t have to wait there because he did not need to protect her. He automatically listens to her worries and goes out and helps her (he doesn’t know however that she will know of this moment and fall for him from then on) This one action shows that he’s capable of listening and caring without knowing that he is caring. This one action is also the catalyst for her feelings for him and makes sure she continues to try and make him let her love him. If his ASPD was meant to prevent him from caring, he would have left after she told him about the robbery, he would have not stayed to watch over her until the lights come back up in the cold, and he would have been crueller to her when she continued to pester her. 

It disproves him using her because she makes his dad disappear. He didn’t know by then she causes his dad to leave, he only realises it after he kisses her. His actions there was just because he wanted to protect her. 

It disproves him using her because she helps him keep the identity Baek Hee Sung, it’s repeated a lot in the show that the unparents did not want him and Jiwon to marry, he did it because he wanted to, he fought them on it and wanted her by his side, they actually thought she would end his secret identity because she’s a risk and a detective. They believe she’ll be his downfall of their plans. He’s the one who fights for her to be by his side; this could be because she makes his father disappear. But there’s a hint there that subconsciously he’s already connected to her and he does care about her. 

This action disproves him only helping or protecting Jiwon because she’s useful, to manipulate her or she maintains his goals because she wasn’t relevant yet at this time. He just did it to protect her. There’s other instances that show he’s capable of feeling and caring about people and loving someone. But this one action shows that Jiwon was someone he had cared initially for before everything else before he knew she would fall for him the way she did. I also think him warning her not to choose him was also a sign that he cares about her and isn’t with her because he’s coldblooded and she fulfils his goals and there’s the scene in episode 4 where he uses his body to shield her from getting hurt as they are fighting in the dark.

Logic vs Feelings

So with all this analysis, my answer is clear, one he doesn’t know what love is because of his circumstances and because of that he does not know if what he’s doing is love or not and that’s why he can’t say he loves her for sure. However, his actions and automatic choices, his panic attacks at the thought of her leaving or discovering who he is, show that there is love there he just doesn’t know he feels it. There is attachment there, and it’s not for only harmful purposes, but it also is a feeling of emotion connected to her. He also is fiercely protective and caring of Jiwon, and he regrets always hurting her. He begs her (not knowing it’s her) that he won’t be Do Hyun So again because he saw her panic in the pool trying to save his life. He may not understand it, but seeing her that way affected him and made him more desperate to keep the secret away from her, he doesn’t like seeing her hurt. That’s why he says he regrets ever meeting her because he feels sorry for her loving him. There’s a hint of emotion, care and worry tinged in melancholy at the fact that being with her hurts her.  Also really focus on the dialogue “I’ve never thought that way” this is all to do with his thoughts not his feelings, he’s probably felt that way but he didn’t realise it, he didn’t know it was love so there’s no way he can think that it is.  

I believe sociopaths can love and fall in love, and I think Hyun So loves his wife just as much as she loves him. He just doesn’t understand the intricacies of the relationship, and he’s never experienced romantic love before. His answer is no because it’s a logical response, it’s the answer that’s, on the one hand, the most accurate. He does not love her because he doesn’t know what love is. It’s not a lie. He answered it truthfully even though it ended up hurting Jiwon who only follows logic and evidence. The evidence was him saying it as a matter of fact, even if his actions show otherwise. 

[nehawriter16]

2020 / 24

There are only 2 things I can do on an airplane – dose up on sleeping meds and pass out, or order one too many cappuccinos, keep my exhausted brain awake, and will it to talk to paper. The flight from JFK was in the afternoon and in the chaos of leaving for the airport early in the morning, I forgot to pack my pills.

Two cappuccinos in, my hands were shaking and begging to be typing out the Mrs. Maisel speed monologue that constantly runs in my head. Even though there is a month left in this year, I decided to do my annual New Years Eve post. Over the last 3 days, I’ve been drilling it down to go from gibberish to slightly readable.

Here it is.

Like the rest of the world, in January, I was blissfully unaware of the shitstorm that would follow. I got into several colleges on the East Coast for a Master’s in Finance degree. Every day, I would race down the stairs with my laptop and show my parents: another admit, another scholarship! On the surface, I was making pro and con lists for each one. Deep down, my heart had already picked Fordham in New York. It was New York. Nothing else would cut it.

The day after I turned 24 in January, I also met my (now ex) boyfriend on the internet. Completely by accident, he saw my profile because a mutual friend followed my writing. Two days later, she texted me and said he would like to talk to me. Did I want to talk to some boy studying in Paris? I was single and bored and already had my year laid out for me, so why wouldn’t I?

It moved quickly. Three months later, we had been speaking every day and were exclusive. We had not hung out in person. It was stupid, but I had never come across anybody who liked me as much as he did. In every relationship I had been in before this, I always knew I was more emotionally involved. I fell in love with his devotion to me – he would stay home (who stays home in Paris!) and choose to spend virtual time with me over going to clubs with his friends. I watched myself become the epicenter of his life and thought – this is how much I’ve always wanted to mean to somebody.

In March when the pandemic hit and India shut down, my father sent a car to pick me up from my internship in Bombay, where I had moved two weeks ago. I didn’t pack so much as my toothbrush – the driver brought me home and I had no idea that it would be months before I’d get to leave again.

Morales stayed high in the beginning – we thought it would end in 21 days, then 2 months, then 5. It has taken over the whole year now, and despite us gridlocking it into “2020,” we all know the first half of 2021 will also be filled with masks and sanitizers and not hugging your friends. I wonder if I will ever settle into somebody’s arms without cringing again.

March melted into April, that melted into one long drawl until suddenly it was August and college was beginning the following week. I found myself refreshing the US consulate’s website absent mindedly one afternoon, and all appointments that had been suspended suddenly showed you a tiny little bar that read “reschedule.” I screamed and clicked.

I had thought I would be spending the year stuck at home, awake and attending classes at odd hours. While my classmates went to happy hours in dive bars in Manhattan, I would be in my bedroom, still chained to my parents’ curfews and ultimatums. But then suddenly, I was standing before a US immigration officer in Bombay, and he was telling me I had been granted my student visa.

All that was left to do was book a flight to New York, and break the news to my boyfriend, who was on his way to my abandoned apartment at this very moment for our first date, 7 months after we first began speaking. He had come home in March when France went into lockdown, and it was starting to feel like a throuple with long distance, the third and very present member in our relationship.

I packed up the belongings I had left there, and we sat across from each other on the double bed. I kissed him first. There were roadblocks, and our personalities and views clashed on so many important things, but I loved him. Two days later, I said: I have to leave for New York in 3 weeks. He didn’t take it well.

In September, I landed at JFK. When the wheels of the plane made contact with the runway, I was smiling behind a mask I’d had on for 16 hours. On the Air Train to Manhattan, I felt a sense of happiness wash over me and toyed with the possibility that maybe I wouldn’t mind if it was just me in this city. I would be okay alone.

I found an apartment, a roommate, signed a lease in a beautiful building in Hell’s Kitchen, walking distance from college. I met lots of people from my class and instantly picked out the ones I wanted to become good friends with. I dove straight into academics and extra curriculars at college – after 5 months of nothing happening, life was suddenly exciting again.

When New York lit up every night, it felt like anything was possible. I started eating better and walking a lot. My hair grew out from the bad haircut I’d gotten the year before. Coffee was no longer just coffee, it was finding a new café and walking through Central Park. Drinks were not just drinks, they were about accidentally stumbling onto a secret bar in the East Village, finding favorite spots in the neighborhood, letting a cute waiter recommend a cocktail to me even though I was perfectly capable of picking one myself.

The boyfriend and I were fighting more than usual. I was getting tired of it. We had discussed a life together, but it was slowly and surely becoming clear to me that I would resent myself for making big compromises for a person who still had a lot of growing up left to do. As New York got cold, I did too – without trying. When one particular argument got really bad, I asked for a break from the relationship. He didn’t like it.

A week later, I woke up to a girl sending me screenshots on Instagram of her conversation with him (pre me asking for a break) on a dating app, and without getting into details, I will tell you it was not a conversation anybody with a girlfriend should have been having. I should have been broken in half on the inside, but now I could finally say, without feeling guilty – this relationship was not working, nobody was happy, and you were so unhappy you thought talking to other women was okay. I spent all of one day drinking with a friend in Central Park and sobbing myself to sleep.

But mostly, what hit me after the initial shock had died down was a tsunami of relief. I felt lighter, freer. I try not to think too hard about the trauma that comes from finding out that the person you think is so devoted to you, and definitely loves you more than you love them (or so you think) is being unfaithful, because it hurts a part of me that is already very bruised from all the things that have happened to me before. So I don’t.

But it was New York. I was young and smart and there was a wine shop down the block that sold $14 bottles of Moscato. I didn’t need much else to know I would be okay. At 20, I would have jumped right back into going on dates every other night to distract myself from what had happened, then never called any of those men back. At 24, this emotional speed bump resulted in a lot of quiet introspection in my bedroom. I spent a lot of time alone, on the phone with friends, and walking around the city. I had learnt to like my own company enough to not fill a suddenly empty void with anybody else’s, even though there have been several tempting offers in this past month, and sometimes, I have succumbed to them, but mostly I am very strict with who deserves my company.

It was nice to spend that second month in New York by myself. I owed absolutely nobody a single minute of my time. No one asked me questions, or called me and expected me to share my day unless I wanted to, and once I had worked hard and cleared out the things from my to do list for the day, time stretched out before me and I had the autonomy to decide the smallest thing down to who to meet, what to eat, how much to sleep.

I didn’t let my academics and ambition suffer – no matter what happens, I never do and I never will. The grades stay up – it’s built into my system. I am back home now and just 2 days in, I find myself wishing I hadn’t left New York. I was starting to build a life I liked there, and the only price I had to pay for it was a 4 pm sunset. It would have been slightly lonely, but I like the time I spend by myself. I worked hard to become like that.

This month, I will see my friends here at home. I’ve missed them. I can’t believe I grew up in this city and I already feel so alienated from it just from 60 days of living away. Is that how badly I wanted to leave?

I might be dramatic and fly back on my 25th birthday, so that I can say, “I was on a flight,” and ignore the slowly expanding bubble of dread that comes with turning that old. I like the ambiguity of airports and I’m the sort of inherently sad person who would love to be alone and unreachable on my birthday.

I acknowledge that my problems this year have been so small in the face of those of us who have lost family members, contracted the virus, had to give up internships or had jobs taken from us, been torn away from family, or had to make it through this alone.  

I feel almost guilty that good things have happened to me in a year that has predominantly been bad for almost everyone else. I feel apologetic, even though from 2017 to 2019, I was treated like life’s sick joke so I should deserve these good things that I worked hard for.

I definitely feel myself growing up, though. Emotionally I find I have a clearer idea of what I want from relationships and friendships, and I don’t second guess cutting off anybody who doesn’t serve that purpose or messes with my mental peace. I still have days when self-doubt comes over for a cup of tea, leaves me weak in the knees, but most days are free of it. I am also moving out of that chameleon phase where I mirrored what I thought a room full of new people would want from me, and I am unapologetically myself, irrespective of who’s watching.

Last year I remember wishing for something stupid, like “I wish there was somebody to kiss on New Years Eve,” because I’ve never had anybody to smack lips with when it’s midnight. This year, I don’t care. I’ll kiss myself in the mirror, for all I care. I love her. She’s my homie.

It’s been a weird year. I know who I was in 2019, and I remember wondering if I was proud of her. Things were still in purgatory then. But I steered my life and brought it back on track. This year, I am proud of myself without doubting it.

There’s no measuring scale for personal growth, but if there was, I feel at least a couple of inches taller in 2020.

[rhydium]

Info dumbo about the StarFinite story?

aright u asked for it anon GET READY [cracks knuckles] this is gonna be long so obligatory cut in 3, 2........

...1!

so the uh, the au! the story!! w/e yall wanna call it! full disclaimer, i only began working on this whole thing a while ago, but it's totally taken over my fukn brain. like, we're talking big hyperfixation hrs. am i cringe for being this invested in my own content? yes? cool i do not Care >:3€

i should also throw it out there real quick that i am kin w/ infinite, n this is actually one of my two canons (both of which are my own aus lmfao wow). i didn't go into it expecting it to be but sfsfsgdfs here we are ig!! for that reason it's got extra importance to me n this definitely contributes to the euphoria i get from it!! it's a lil odd writing ur own canon,,? but i kinda just go w/ the flow!

the au n, the story that i will start Eventually, revolves around infinite n starline (obvi) n it's honestly just ... the tl;dr is big healing momence n, what's this? uh oh sisters !!! they are falling in love 😳😳😳

uhhhh so infinite is an android, made by eggman. that's like, the most notable canon divergence here! super important context to have. i've got a whole big theory on the possibility of sega originally intending infinite to be an artificial being (which i explored in the works for my Other canon too), stemming from not only the scene in forces wherein infinite comments on sonic's "data", but a line of dialogue from tails in one of the last stages of the game where he Literally Says "so this is where eggman built infinite". that ... i mean. that contrasts w/ episode shadow pretty hard don't it?? would explain why that dlc was so rushed, n the comic too. ANYWAY adsfsfs um that's a seperate ramblepost. yeah!!!

they are also agender n use they/them (primarily) as well as he/him!! so i'll be refering to them w/ those pronouns!

after the war, infinite is taken in by the resistance n, instead of being dismantled, they're basically given a chance to rehabilitate themselves. it's agreed that they won't be reprogrammed, as despite the potential risks, it feels wrong to do so; like a violation of their free will, individuality n thinking. if infinite is to be a good person, it's not gonna be bc other ppl recreated their entire personality, it's gonna be bc it's what they themselves truly want. robot ethics idk man!! u can't tell me that sonic n co wouldn't offer this to infinite if they offered it to metal in IDW,,,, i am Standing By This!!!

it's, yknow, a bit rocky, at first. infinite has to really fight the urge to return to eggman (something they already tried once, before the resistance found them; they were cast out). it's a struggle against what they were built to do, against giving into unhealthy familiarity over facing a, while healthier, unfamiliarity. new faces, a new life, turning their back on their mission n creator, it's like, a lot.

they work for/with the sonic crew, rebuilding the world they tore down as deemed fitting justice, being closely monitored for a bit as a natural precaution. as it becomes apparent infinite truly no longer has any ambition to harm others (they don't have much ambition for anything, really), they're then granted more freedom, n start taking on more important missions!! it at least gives them something to do, keeps them occupied. they have issues with dissociation, unreality, whether they're truly a real person bc, well, android. feeling purposeless, n a lack of worth, especially. a need to prove themselves. heavy stuff. i'll kinda go into that a bit more in a sec. their work grounds them, if only temporarily.

n soooooo... IDW comic stuff happens. metal virus time. starline gets kicked out of the empire.

now, as the comics are ongoing, n as this is already an au, there's gonna be divergence, n i must admit i haven't planned out all that yet. there's a lot i have to consider!! infinite being w the resistance/restoration is a big game changer ... tho i Do believe that they were absent, likely on a far out mission during most of the chaos. eggman doesn't know abt them, nor does starline or anyone else other than the sonic crew; n some civilians that recognise them.

i'm not 100% sure of Exactly when it happens, but i think it's just after bad guys, that infinite is sent to locate n bring in starline. it doesn't prove too difficult. there's a whole, starline realising "oh fuck it's you???", some bickering n, the two don't hit it off right away. they're both kinda like. not mentally stable ddgddgdds,,,

so uh. starline ends up essentially going thru the same sorta shit as infinite. careful watch, rebuilding, all that jazz, making sure he can be trusted. he's like... very very lost, quite like infinite is. the world has kinda calmed down, in the meanwhile.

it's at this point i'm gonna go ahead n drop a bit of a ramble i subjected my friends to a while ago, to articulate the way i see the two, n their dynamic together!! i was considering making this it's own post a while ago!

analysing their characters a bit... let's look at starline. Like. so we have this, in bad guys, which SENT ME tbfh;

i feel like it's the moment that triggers starline onto the path he is rn canonically,,, he's clearly like. rly mad n bitter. the core of this?? he wants his work n his efforts to be acknowledged.

he's big angry. still kind of in denial at this stage. he has himself obsessed w/ the idea of making eggman see him as Worthy, that if he just tries hard enough, that'll happen. he's dependent on eggman's validation, n i mean, it's no surprise; he's followed him a Long Time by the sounds of it.

then in the recent issue, hold the fuck up, bc we got, This;

god. my god it's all comin together now homies. this???? this right here??? it is the CLASSIC "i have to do this to prove i'm strong n powerful n smart n worthy n should be respected please Give Me Acknowledgement" ..... n who else is Like That? can u see where im going w/ this?

i think most ppl are aware of infinite's character being extremely indicative of self worth/esteem issues n the need to prove themself, right?? the extreme adversity, repulsion, perhaps even fear toward the idea of being weak. the compulsion to prove otherwise, to show their strength, to become powerful, to conquer to make a point. their theme exudes this same energy as their behaviour in-game; an aggressive attitude, trying to assert themself, while if u rly listen...? the lyrics are actually really sad in places. it reeks of cover up, although composition wise, a v interesting thing to note is a lot of the more telling lyrics are prominent while some of the affirming ones are in the background. indicative of a desire to have their true feelings be heard but caught in a vicious loop?

okay okay that's yet Another different analysis. AHEM.

not to get deep on main (oh who the hell am i kidding that's the point of this entire thing) but i think starline has issues w/ his worth in a similar way to infinite. they both seem to have this need to Prove something, whether it's to others or themselves, n get caught in a toxic spiral of doing worse n worse things for Some kind of validation or acknowledgement. they'll go to really big lengths chasing that, n both of them ultimately sought validation in the wrong place n wrong way.

this is a big part of my starfinite dynamic,, n so, what happens, as they get closer n open up??? we have them BOTH realising together that they don't have to do fuck all to prove anything to anyone. they don't need to do all this to show they're strong n smart n worth something, not to anyone else OR themselves. they're enough as they are. they bond over that shared feeling that they have to do xyz, to prove themselves, n that desire to just finally be acknowledged n appreciated n help each other thru it. to help each other understand that other ppls approval, or lack thereof, doesn't define them, their strength, intelligence, and worthiness.

i feel like they have an interesting parallel between them in like... the above could be taken as a general analysis, but to go more in depth on this au specifically?? ...

starline followed eggman for presumably a long time n it no doubt left him feeling a heavy and deep regret for all that time wasted n spent on an unhealthy path. infinite kinda teaches him that what matters is what he's doing Now n also reminds him that if none of it happened, starline wouldn't have learnt a lot of the serious skills he has. n while starline still feels bad, he also realises himself that, he likely never would have crossed infinite's path if none of it happened. for that reason, he wouldn't take it back.

infinite has only been recently made, on the other hand. they haven't really existed long, yet, but so far their experiences haven't been very positive n it can be .... discouraging. starline sorta, shows infinite their limited experiences w/ the world are a very tiny fraction of what's out there, n things can absolutely change, yes, including for the better; that's the essence of life, a neverending, constant flow of change.

it's a big tale of moving on n letting go, honestly; made easier as they're doing it together. n as they heal n grow, well... these bitches gay. sfshshdgds like, ig that's putting it p bluntly but!! they start to trust each other, understand each other more. as they get to truly know who the other is, they both start developing The Feelings. they're both pretty oblivious n the reveal is totally unknown so far!! yeah, i know, bummer. i suck. boo. adafsfsds however i can say there will be lots of content in the making!! if that soothes the soul! i've got of ideas i hope to bring to life.

ofc there's still a lot of more specific things i haven't covered here so! if y'all want more juice hmu w/ more focused questions but !! this is the overview n i hope it was a decent read now that gave some uhhh! Cool Insight! yea!!! ✌

[missbugaboo]

Broken Strings

A short piece inspired by this wonderful fan art by @15megapixels-mlb​!

Her conflict spreads and swallows her whole, because hell, she was not raised to deal with this kind of situations. Her own world is made of distant mothers and well-mannered friends, of straightforward rules and extensive plans.

And since nobody ever thought of teaching her how to act around her ex-boyfriend's current's girfriend's ex, it's not surprise she is at a complete loss at what to do now.

fanfiction.net / AO3

Kagami Tsurugi has never been the one to take things lightly.

It's not in her nature and even if it was, her upbringing sure would have been enough to kill all carelessness that might otherwise be found in her heart. She is the kind to assess the situation quickly and choose on her goals even quicker, always determined not to lose anything to chance. She is a girl who knows what she wants, who doesn't let her own doubts to get in her way because she knows – oh hell, she knows – how fatal may be the consequences of such hesitation.

"I never hesitate."

It is her mother who's taught her that, obviously. Everything she's ever learnt (well, almost everything) comes from her mother, the undefeated champion of both her own and her husband's clans. She's the person Kagami has always looked up to – a woman who's approval she's been striving for for as long as she can remember. She's the one who has put it in her head that if she can't win, she may just as well give up altogether, because the second place is no better than the very last one.

"Only enter the contests you know you can win."

For the first time in her almost sixteen years long life, Kagami feels like her mother might be right about that.

She can feel the tears well up in her eyes and she blinks rapidly, intent on not letting them fall down on her cheeks. She won't cry over this again; she wont' let anyone see how distressed she truly is. The one breakdown she had last night was enough and no matter what her stupid, naive heart might be screaming at her, falling apart is not what she needs right now.

If she can't maintain her love life then so be it.

She won't throw away her pride with it as well.

And yet, it's still so hard to just shrug her shoulders and move on, and harder still to act noble and supportive, just like she truly wishes to be. It's a new sensation for her, too, the sudden and unexpected urge to step back and make room for someone else to step in to take the place she' has been dreaming of for so long. It's not just her ambition to be a gracious loser anymore; all at once, she wants to be kind just for the kindness' sake and show that she truly meant it when she claimed to be happy for the two of her friends.

She loves them, both of them. In different ways of course, but that doesn't change the fact that she does – that she would do anything for either of them.

Because both Marinette and Adrien mean a world to her.

Or is it a selfish desire after all, because she can't be left behind after Luka's show of grace and simply needs to keep up?

She stifles a groan that rises in her throat and picks up her pace, even though she's perfectly aware that neither of her actions is enough to chase away the thoughts of the blue-haired musician that have already entered her mind. She's not particularly surprised by the fact; he's been bound to make an appearance from the start, what with her thinking the subject over so thoroughly. They're both in this after all, their situations nearly identical, despite their personalities differing so much.

Two fools who let themselves believe they were enough for who they are.

And yet, somehow, she's certain that he's much more successful when it comes to dealing with the aftermath of their idiocy. Not because he doesn't care for Marinette – on the contrary, she's ready to admit that his feelings might run even deeper than hers, and in her eyes, his quiet acceptance of Marinette's choice is the best proof of that.

As inexperienced as she is when it comes to love, it's the one thing she knows:

You must truly love someone to let go of him like that.

Now that she thinks of it, she is a little jealous of him. Of how he's coping with all this. She's seen him a few times since Adrien ended things with her and then a few more after Marinette did the same to Luka; and whenever she did, she saw the same easy smile and eyes filled with peace, his whole body radiating with readiness to just be there for those who needed support.

She thought his behaviour would change after Adrien and Marinette did get together at last a few weeks ago, a little bit at least. She thought the sight of them together would finally make him crack, that his perfect shell would crumble just a little. She sure knows it's something that still gets to her and the fact she still doesn't really know what it was that made those two oblivious children find themselves after all this time (she knew it happened during an akuma attack, but couldn't for the life of her imagine what it had to do with the fact) certainly isn't helpful.

She wants to be happy for them but she's just not.

She wants to keep seeing them and remain friends but it just seems beyond her right now.

She wants to know how on earth Luka manages to do all of it and still smile.

A sigh escapes her lips and this time, she doesn't even feel bad for having let down her guard. She's too tired of all this, of always pretending to be fine but never really feeling like it. Her resolution still stands of course: keep yourself together, stay focused and strict.

But again: it's a mask she wears. A mask is all she can do. For no matter how hard she tries, she can never put a smile on, as well.

Not in the way Luka does.

Yes, she definitely is jealous of him. She has no doubt in her mind now about how courageous he really is under the guise of light-mindedness he wears, quite contrary to what she first thought of him. She wishes she could be as high-minded as he is, wishes she could take the blows with the same good-natured serenity and optimism she always sees reflecting in Luka's countenance. She wishes -

Her train of thoughts crashes as she hears a noise of smashed glass an a yell that follows right after. She stops in her track, surprised and looks around, half-expecting to see another Hawkmoth-possessed villain to come out of a corner any moment now.

Except there are no corners here, and there is no villain either.

Just the straight, grey pavement that runs along the river Seine and a colourful yet lonely boat berthed to one of its banks.

How has she even got here?

She nearly spins around and walks away, dismissing the fact that her legs have brought her to this very specific spot without her even realising that. She calls it a coincidence in her thoughts – or maybe a work of her own subconsciousness, if the former isn't good enough. It's nothing more than that, however and since she has no business whatsoever around the place, she figures it's best to leave the matters to themselves.

It's when the other crash comes.

She knows for sure it's not an akuma's work now as it is clear that all the noises she's heard so far came from the little ship so close to her. She still wants to turn back and leave; she's not close with the Couffaines after all, so barging on the deck is the last thing she could call proper – regardless of it's host's liberal attitude. And yet, she can't leave, not without making sure that whoever is inside is doing alright.

Silently, she prays it's just another one of Kitty Section's stunts.

Yet, the more time passes, the more convinced she is that the band is the last thing she should expect to find on the Liberty's deck; in fact, she begins to suspect that not even Juleka or Anarka are home. If that was the case, she sure would've bumped into on or the other already, or heard the latter shout and run around the place.

Instead, there is silence.

It's deafening.

She takes a step forward, and then another. She continues to take them, until she reaches the narrow stairs that lead under the deck, to where Juleka's and Luka's rooms – cabins – are. Her ears are pricked and her eyes are wide as she searches for a confirmation of her previous guess, wondering still if her decision to come really was a sensible one.

And then she finds him.

He's a mess and she doesn't need a second to fully realise that. It doesn't matter that his back is turned towards him as he shakes, or that he acts ask if he's decided to swallow his own voice, not a single sound escaping him. The way his spine is hunched as he leans against the wall, with his forehead and fists pressed to it as his whole body trembles is enough to tell her everything she needs to know about the extent of his pain – the uneven, sharp inhales she notices next only reassuring her in her initial belief.

And it's so much worse when she realises that she's been right about other things as well, like the absence of the other residence of the boat she'd paid attention to at the start. She knows for sure that Luka is alone now, and that discovery leads her straight to the next, one that is even more painful when she fully comprehends it's extent.

For despite the lack of evidence, there is one thing she has absolutely no doubt about: that the only reason Luka has allowed himself to crumble down like this is because he is convinced there is no one there to witness it. Which then means that he has never shared this burden with anyone – that no one has ever got to see him like this, broken and vulnerable, for once admitting to all the hurt he must have been feeling.

No one.

Not Juleka, his beloved little sister; not Anarka, his wild yet caring, loving mother.

And certainly not Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

But why me? she can't help but wonder, torn between anger and pity, exhaustion and concern. More than ever, she wants to run away, feeling that there is nothing she could do to help while there's an inversely proportional chance of her making it even worse for him, regardless of how hard she might try. She curses the fate that has brought her here, curses her own inattentiveness that had made it possible. Yet at the same time, she still can't picture herself walk away for real, as if it was the worst possible sin.

She can't just leave him now.

Her conflict spreads and swallows her whole, because hell, she was not raised to deal with this kind of situations. Her own world is made of distant mothers and well-mannered friends, of straightforward rules and extensive plans. In her world, there is a scenario for every circumstance, a strategy prepared weeks in advance.

She's no good at this improvisation thing and she's well aware of that particular inadequacy of hers.

It is Marinette who excels at that; she and Adrien, and Alya, and pretty much everyone from the Dupont College she's had a chance to meet so far. Any of them would be a better candidate for comforting Luka now, if only because they know how to show their feelings in the first place.

However, it is her who is physically there, the sole witness to Luka's suffering.

And since nobody ever thought of teaching her how to act around her ex-boyfriend's current's girfriend's ex, it's not surprise she is at a complete loss at what to do now.

She wakes up from her daze at his movement, as small and meaningless as it may seem. She can feel a rush of adrenaline as she watches him stir, unconsciously preparing to flee in case he decided to turn around towards her, even though she is positive that if he does, she won't be able to as much as take a step, and holds her breath, nervous. Luka doesn't turn around though; instead, he loosens his fist and lays his palm against the wall, his nails scratching the wooden surface as if he wanted to dig them in for real.

There are dark bruises all over the side of his hand.

With some difficulty, she tears her gaze away from him and looks around the room, searching for hints as to what else might have happened there. Her eye is caught by the light reflected in a glass, or better said, in what remained of it. It is scattered all over the floor, with stains of water darkening the soft carpet under their feet, though as she notices with relief, there is no sign of blood on any of the pieces.

So at least he hasn't hurt himself with that.

It's yet another thing that makes her want to stay or at least, one that makes her believe she shouldn't get away. He still hasn't noticed her, so technically, she could do just that – spin on her heel and flee, pretending not to have seen anything.

However... If she really does leave, what guarantee will she have that he won't do something stupid on his own?

No guarantee, that's what.

She nearly forgets herself enough to let out an annoyed sigh after she's realised that the decision has been made for her a long time ago.

She's not at all happy with it, simply because knows that she's not the right person for the job. She's not the kind to just rush forward and hug people, after all, to soothe them with her words or her touch or whatever it is they might need at the time. She's someone who seeks real solutions to her problems and keeps her own emotions at bay, as for her it is the only way not to fall even lower whenever she does fall.

She's just not capable of stepping into someone else's shoes that easily, even if her own situation is similar to theirs.

And it sure is this time.

Painfully so.

On the other hand, though, it's not like she's still the same impeccably behaved school girl she was when she first showed up at the Dupont College for that memorable fencing contest. That day itself was enough to make her whole attitude waver; getting close with Adrien first and Marinette later only strengthened the effect said event had on her. Little by little, she's changed, and even though the alterations were far from drastic, they are exactly what makes her second guess herself now.

The fact that their trio turned into a quarter at one point was only another step forward, too. She can still remember the first double-dates they had, awkward and disconcerting as they were bound to be. In her mind's eye she sees Luka as he smiles against all odds, acting as if the fact that his newly claimed girlfriend is gazing lovingly at another boy is a perfectly understandable occurrence. Her face contorts with a grimace as she compares the image with what she observes before her, a twinge of pain shooting through her heart when she fully understands the dissonance.

She knows from experience that the harder you try to conceal your wounds, the more likely you are to feel the full hurt.

And yet, even she can't help but be shocked by the sight.

With a sudden determination she makes up her mind to throw away the etiquette and act on her intuition and feelings for once. She's not going to go too far – it's too big of a step for such a short time and Kagami is the last person to underestimate that fact. She knows she's just not capable of running up to him and taking him into her arms, even if she could be sure it's what he both wants and requires right now...

...but she can still meet him halfway.

She takes a deep breath, no longer caring if she gives herself away to him. Luka needs someone by his side; this is something she knows for sure and whatever he might think of her stepping into his personal space – whatever she may think of herself after all of this is over – is of no meaning now. So with the same cautiousness that characterised her step when she first entered his home-ship, she walks over to him, slowly, quietly, like a gentle spirit meant to bring him back to life.

As swift as lighting, as elusive as a wind...

Well, that's probably not what her mother had in mind when she told her that.

She shakes her head and pushes the unwanted thought away, intent on focusing on the task at hand. She needs to step carefully, mindful of the shards under her feet; the last thing she needs is to injure herself with one of these.

Then again, that sure would make him wake up from his daze...

With one final stride she finds herself by his side. There is no room for uncertainty as to whether he realises she's there now – she knows that he does, what with his superhuman hearing that has nothing to do with the Miraculous he once wielded. He still doesn't make a move, save for the never ending shudders that keep jolting him, but that's fine. She doesn't need a response, doesn't need a sign. She's not there to see him acknowledge her presence.

He knows she's there and she knows that he does. If he wants her to leave, he'll just say that to her.

He's always been a straightforward kind of guy and that thought alone is enough for her to regain her serenity.

Seconds turn to minutes and Luka is still yet to speak; that too is alright, however, as the girl who stands beside him is probably one of the most patient people in Paris, and not only because of the training Adrien Agreste has put her through before. She knows the meaning of restraint and is aware of how much depends on the timing she chooses for her deeds. Usually, it has to do with her fencing exercises; and yet, she is confident that this current situation is as much of a duel as her practice matches are.

And if she were to choose the more important one, she would have no trouble pointing it out.

"I never hesitate."

She's not hesitant. She's expectant. Waiting.

All good things come to those, who wait.

Her moment of truth comes sooner than predicted, though, when Luka decides to make his move after all. It's not about turning towards her; not even about glancing at her, or acknowledging her in any other way. All he does is raise his arm, rapidly, violently, and clearly with the intention to smash it against the wall in the same way he had before she's found him.

She grasps his wrists before he can do it.

He turns towards her now, his eyes wide with disbelief yet at the same time, as hollow as eyes can be. He doesn't try to jerk his arm out of her grip: it has nothing to do with how strong or menacing she is and everything with how utterly shocked he feels.

There are tears on his lashes and wet traces on his cheeks.

The way he looks – the way he looks at her – makes her knees buckle.

She maintains her posture, however and responds to his miserable gaze with her own unwavering glare. She suspects that warm and consoling is the last thing she seems right now and a part of her revolts as she wants to be perceived as such – she wishes to help and not in the cold, methodical manner she's used to herself.

And yet, the other part of her urges her not to give in to that call, because ironically, it's the only way she can help him now.

She will be useless if she falls apart as well.

So just just looks at him, cool and composed, confident and firm. There are no emotions reflecting on her countenance – no trembling chin, no furrowed brow, no indication of what she's thinking at all. Nothing, except the soft, genuine gaze so full of concern, of which she herself isn't aware.

"You're gonna hurt yourself if you keep doing that," she tells him and is surprised by the warmth that has somehow found a way to seep into her voice.

The look Luka gives her indicates that he's just as taken aback; but it doesn't take a second for him to turn away again – resigned, defeated, helpless.

Broken.

Gosh, she wants shoot someone.

"And who cares if I do?" she hears him whisper, his voice barely audible under all of his sorrow.

She squeezes his wrist to make him look back at her. He doesn't, but she still says, "You do. Or you will when you calm down."

She sees him jerk up his head and fix his gaze on the ceiling as a hollow little laugh escapes his throat. Once again, she can feel her legs give in while simultaneously she's fighting the urge to punch the first person that might come into view, praying that her usually iron will is enough not to succumb to either of the baits.

His voice is hoarse when he contradicts her.

"I doubt that," he says and nods at his guitar, now rested against the wall, abandonded. "I don't even know if I'll be still able to play that damn thing again. And even if I do... my fingers will heal long before my mind does. It's the one thing you can be sure of."

"Let's not test that, shall we?"

It's such a simple thing to say but somehow, it works miraculously. She has no idea if it was the wording or her tone, or maybe something else entirely – but it's enough to make him break, once and for all, and right in front of her. He chokes on his breath and stumbles over his words and suddenly he's in her arms, holding onto her for dear life as if she was the only thing worth keeping, and she's returning the gesture because damn, it's the only response she's capable of.

Her own eyes well up with tears, too, and for the first time in her life, she gives up, fully and willingly.

It's the first time she allows herself to cry like this.

And isn't she glad.

He doesn't know why she came and much less why she's decided to stay. They're not friends, not really, despite the several occasions when they hung out together, back in the days when they still believed their respective love stories might end with anything but disappointment and hurt. He knows she's not one to reach out to people, either, or to spontaneously visit them in their homes without having a good reason and only after asking permission first, so he has no idea why she should enter

his

house like that – and why she hasn't left the moment she saw what state he was in.

Kagami isn't noisy, in fact, she's the opposite of that.

Then what reason could she have to invade his privacy this time?

He meets her eyes and is awed at the amount of emotion he can observe in them, regardless of the stern, neutral expression she's wearing. He's overwhelmed by the sight, so much that he can't help but look away instantly. He makes his pathetic, whiny excuse; she contradicts it with her rational reply. So he contradicts her, even though his response is, once again, nothing but more complaining on his part. He hates himself for it... Until she answers back and he has no choice but meet her eyes.

The combination of her words, her voice and the look she's giving him is all it takes for him to fall apart, shutter into one hundred million pieces, because unlike all those other times, he finally has someone to put him back together.

She's there because of him.

She's there for him.

She's a good person, a kind person. She's sincere and for once, she's allowing him to see that.

His recognition of her goes further, though the girl in question has no way of knowing that. Trembling in her arms, weak and exposed, he can still hear her own music, and the longer he's staying there, the clearer the melody is. The miserable notes he can distinguish so easily, the false chords so much like the ones that have been playing in his own soul for so long now – it's all there, muffled, silenced, pushed to the darkest corner and covered with a blanket so that nobody else would hear.

So where anyone else would see an indifferent, unfeeling girl, he sees a wounded and yet altruistic human being, ready to step out of her shell and forget her own worries because she can see someone else needing support,

It's not the sort of kindness and care Marinette has, he thinks – it's not as spontaneous or as bright or as heart-warming as hers. Still, it is there, and it's real and somehow...

...somehow, he can't help but think that it may be even worthier because of how obviously difficult it was to obtain.

[blu-joons]

DATING NCT A⇴Z HEADCANON ⇴ Dong Sicheng

A ⇴ AFFECTION 

Sicheng isn’t a huge fan of being touched, which makes any affection from him something to be treasured and appreciated. He definitely is more open to affection as a result of dating you though, but only with you.

B ⇴ BEFORE DATING 

The two of you met backstage as you worked at a concert. Throughout soundcheck and the show he was thinking about you, and after a polite nudge from Renjun to encourage him to speak to you and introduce himself, he finally found himself in your company right before heading home for the night.

C ⇴ CONFESSION 

He was usually one to give advice to others, but when it came to his confession, he needed all the help he could get from the others and all of the encouragement too. Sicheng’s confession had to be perfect as far as he was concerned, especially as he decided to make his confession at a show the next time the group were back at the arena where he’d first met you, and tell you how he felt in front of the fans.

D ⇴ DATES 

As part of the group, Sicheng was incredibly busy, so the two of you would often end up having Skype dates together, especially if he was away from home. They were perfect in making sure that the two of you still made time for each other in your busy schedules but also meant that the two of you didn’t end up getting too setback in your work either. The two of you both learnt early on in your relationship to be thankful for even the smallest dates that the two of you could enjoy together with his busy you were.

E ⇴ EXPERIENCE 

Work had only ever been the focus for Sicheng, he had huge ambitions for where he wanted to go in his life, especially when it came to the group. He almost ruled out finding love, but when he met you, he was relieved that he didn’t. It was a huge concern for him at the beginning how he’d be able to balance work and a relationship equally, but the two of you made a great team and were able to soon settle into a routine that was one that you could both agree on and be comfortable with alongside each other.

F ⇴ FIGHTING 

Sicheng wasn’t one for fights, they’d always make him very shy and very fearful, just the thought of losing you petrified him. When he felt like that balance between work and love was tilting, he’d be terrified, especially when you began to notice too. The two of you would usually argue your way back to finding a middle ground again, you’d somehow just find yourself disagreeing completely with each other until you found a point where you would then suddenly start agreeing with each other again and sort things out without even realising that you’d done it.

G ⇴ GETTING TO KNOW HIS FAMILY 

His family would often come and visit him, but it was actually an excuse just to come and see you. To begin with you worried a lot if it was because they wanted to keep an eye on you, but you soon realised it was actually because they just loved getting to know you and see their son so happy to be in a relationship.

H ⇴ HOME 

If there was one good thing about the dorm, it was that he roomed with Lucas, who always gave the two of you space. It made you both very reluctant to move out, Sicheng loved the dorm anyway, but you also loved being around all of his members too and getting to know them better with each visit.

I ⇴ “I LOVE YOU” 

Sicheng was the first one to say “I love you” by way of an apology when he completely forgot date night. He could tell straight that you were angry, but when you tried to leave the dorm when he got home he just knew that he couldn’t let you go knowing that you were still angry at him, so he opened up his heart to prove to you just how apologetic he was.

J ⇴ JEALOUSY 

There weren’t many times when Sicheng would get jealous, he wasn’t someone who would get angry if another member gave you a hug nor if they wanted to talk t you without him being glued to your side. He trusted you, and he trusted his friends, but strangers, not so much. He knew he was lucky to have you, and he knew that some people liked to push it. Even if he ever began to feel jealous on the inside, he’d always play it down, especially around you do that you’d never even be aware if he was feeling jealous.

K ⇴ KIDS 

There was no doubt in Sicheng’s mind that he was going to have a family at some point in his life, for him, it was just a matter of when. You’d seen first hand just how much he loved children, and he always hated to give them back, much preferring to just keep them as his own. He couldn’t wait for the day when he’d be able to have his own children, but he very much trusted that it would happen only when the time was right for you both.

L ⇴ LAUGHTER 

He was an absolute sucker for the sound of your laughter, it was one of the happiest experiences in the world for him to be able to know that you were happy and enjoying yourself. Whenever you arrived home with a frown was usually when he’d forget about his dislike of being touched. He’d appear by your sides and tickle you in an instant in order to try and cheer you up, and as he so cheekily often reminded you to ‘turn that frown upside down.’ As much as you wanted to hate him for it, just the sound of his voice whispering that phrase into your ear was enough to usually do exactly what he wanted the saying to do to you.

M ⇴ MISSING 

He tends to isolate himself a lot whenever he’s missing you on the road, there’s usually only ever one member that he’ll really open up to, and there Renjun. You often feel sorry for him as he ends up acting like a third wheel in your relationship when Sicheng is on the road, relaying to the other how each of you is feeling as you’re far too worried to burden the other with how you’re feeling. It was hard on him being away from you, he missed the company more than anything else and having someone there to always talk to him whenever he needed someone to listen or give him the same advice that he always gave to other people.

N ⇴ NICKNAMES 

His favourite nickname for you was ‘Ài,’ which was love in Chinese. He loved holding onto a bit of who he was around you, and showing you a lot about his own culture too, introducing you to plenty of cute nicknames he could use.

O ⇴ OBSESSION 

He’s obsessed with your smile, personality is what is most important to Sicheng, and your smile and it’s brightness was one of the first that he was drawn to when he met you for the very fire time.

P ⇴ PDA 

Sicheng wasn’t the biggest fan of private affection, so public affection was definitely something that he wasn’t a huge fan of. He kept it very minimal when he was out with you, he’d do enough to know that you were safe but also ensure that he drew no attention to the two of you together too.

Q ⇴ QUESTIONS 

He loved to talk about the future and his goals with you, and ask about yours too. Sicheng always had huge ambitions for his future, and he had great intrigue in what yours were too to see if the two of you were on the same path with where you saw your lives going.

R ⇴ RANDOM FACTS 

His photo album on his phone is absolutely filled with photos of you, he loves to keep hold of the memories that the two of you make together as there can sometimes be few chances to make any. He loves being able to look back on all of the photos, especially when he’s on the road or working a late night and struggling for any motivation. If anyone dares look at the photos then he’ll slap them away, they’re for him only.

S ⇴ SEX 

These times are usually when he becomes his most affectionate and cuddly, if he’s in the right mood, then he’ll love to hold you as close as he can to your body. He knows that you deal with a lot being in a relationship with him, so these are also the times where he’ll make sure to show you just how appreciative he is to have you in his life and be sure to make sure that you feel as loved as you back him feel on a daily basis.

T ⇴ TEXTS 

If the two of you are apart for long periods of time, Sicheng will definitely send you texts quite a lot of the time so that he can still communicate with you even though you’re not physically able to be with each other.

U ⇴ UNIVERSE 

You’re his number one in everything that he does, he knows that he can be quite a demanding boyfriend, so he always makes sure to take you into consideration with whatever he does, after all, he has to start planning for forever with you.

V ⇴ VACATION 

If the two of you ever find the time to go on holiday, Sicheng will make sure to treat you like absolute royalty. You’re not allowed to so much as lift a finger when the two of you on holiday, he does everything for you to give you some time to relax after constantly having to work around him.

W ⇴ WHINING 

Your time is precious, and so if Sicheng knows you’re doing something important, he’ll wait patiently until he’s the most important thing for you.

X ⇴ XXXXX 

He has a tendency to kiss you a lot more then he hugs you. He enjoys that kisses are less physical, but also make sure that you know that he loves you and is thinking of you. For this, you make sure to savour each kiss you receive from Sicheng as it can often be the most affection you’ll get from him. He’ll much prefer to kiss your cheek or your lips usually over hugging you, knowing that he can still have he same effect over you than with a hug.

Y ⇴ YOU 

You were his forever, Sicheng never saw himself with anyone else.

Z ⇴ ZZZ 

How the two of you fell asleep together would often vary. Sometimes Sicheng would want his distance, other times he’d find himself freely wrapping his arms around you and holding you close, it was all a bit of a lottery.

---

Masterlist