#don't seek validation from this. absolutely do not. you did something wrong

[anti-transphobia]

Holy shit op you're clearly the asshole here. YTA YTA YTA. Yes it sucks to be reminded of something that triggers you but when your trigger is a disorder or a minority group it is 100% on you to recognize that and understand that it's not an excuse to treat people of those groups poorly.

There is a difference between saying something in the moment and defending/seeking validation for it. Yes, calling a person with a delusional disorder crazy is an asshole thing to do. Yes, even if you're triggered. I don't think being an asshole in one situation makes you a bad person or anything. I think it would be excusable! However, you took it too far, even for someone triggered. Not taking someone's delusions seriously and saying you think that if they don't move out they'll try to KILL you? Asshole. If I were your roommate I'd never forgive you for that shit

HOWEVER your saving grace here is that you acknowledged that what you said was bad. You seem to know it's fucked up. The WRONG thing to do was go to aita about it. If you want to know if the way you treated a delusional person was wrong, don't go to a blog for literally everyone to comment on regardless of how much they care about human rights. Those are the sorts of people who say delusional people deserved to be locked up for truly harmless beliefs. Go to schizospec advocacy blogs. Go to actual psychotic people. Don't seek validation from people who would do far, far worse to your roommate if given the chance

aita for calling my roommate crazy?

I (28f) live with 2 other people, a former college roommate who I’m pretty close with (29f) and 2nd roommate (28nb) who we both met when we moved in together 2 years ago.

Let me start this out by saying, this isn’t a fandom aita, it’s going to sound a bit weird at first, but bear with me.

I have a medical condition (relevant later) which stopped most of my bones from maturing past puberty (growth plates closing, cartilage not hardening into bones, ect.), so my skeleton is basically stuck somewhere between 13-19, (I look about 17-19, but the last time I tried to buy hard cider, the cashier thought I was 14, so that’s how young I can look). I also have very pale skin (unrelated to my disorder, just a ginger), and (related to my disorder) lack some liver enzymes so I need eat meat or I get sick (the same reason why cats need to eat meat), I ended up in the ER when I lived with my vegan sister for a week and ate the same veggie diet as her.

Trouble is, Roommate 2 is really into conspiracy theories and other fringe stuff. Nothing alt-right or anything, just like, (for example) they fully bought into that Mermaids: the body found show, and wouldn’t be dissuaded, even when Roommate 1 googled it and showed them solid proof that it was fictional. Wholeheartedly believes the US government preformed 9/11, does alternative medicine (homeopathy, ect), wishes there were ‘all natural’ vaccines (still isn’t an anti-vaccer though, just needs to be persuaded that Bill Gates didn’t put microchips in them).

Anyway, Roommate 1 and I have a recurring joke that I’m a vampire because of the meat thing and the pale thing and the not aging thing. Roommate 2 overheard us and laughed, but weirdly. She kinda joked along with us, but she seemed...odd. About a week later, they start asking me stuff about being a vampire. But they seemed friendly and not nervous then and I was hoping they were just joking and I also sincerely thought they were just asking me about how vampires work on one of my shows (I’m a big fan of Carmilla and the Originals), so I tried to explain, but I cited each show when I’m explaining a thing. This continued for several weeks, but getting worse and more weird every time, eventually culminating about 2 and a half months later into them asking me more stuff about life as a vampire and I really realised that they were serious. Bear in mind, Roommate 1 and I were trying to be very clear that we don’t believe in vampires this whole time because we both know how Roommate 2 is about this. As a result, this was the first time I really registered that they seriously seemed to genuinely believe I was a vampire. I firmly told them that I am not a vampire and that vampires aren’t real, they’re fun to joke about, but they aren’t real. They implored me ‘to be straight with them about being a vampire,’ and that ‘I could trust them,’ and I’m ashamed to say, I kinda freaked out at this point, cuz I was afraid that they would be scared of me and maybe try to hurt me, since they seemed kinda unstable because of this.

This is where I think I was an asshole, I am usually very sensitive to mental health issues. I have some c-PTSD myself and there are a lot of mental health issues in my family (unfortunately, I think some history with my own mentally ill father may have made me react this way, since he has very similar issues to Roommate 2 (vaccines, alternate medicines, specifically involving me in his delusions) and I had a very bad experience in my early teens where he thought I was a demon and ‘sent to destroy him’). Anyway, I got very upset and I yelled at them, I told them they were completely crazy and needed to get mental help and said I thought Roommate 1 and I needed to move out because they might try to stake my heart or something. I feel really bad for calling them crazy, especially because Roommate 2 has some very mental health issues and words like crazy make light of and stigmatise that and I’m very big into not blaming people for their mental health problems, but this was very triggering and in this moment I was very distresssed.

So, aita, all things considered here? I’m still gonna feel like the asshole no matter what, since mental health problems aren’t to be taken lightly or blamed on the person, but I’m curious what the internet thinks.

What are these acronyms?

[pyrodolls]

can you write sounding with one of the yan boys or ignoring them because of something?

GIVING SUPERFAN! AND STALKER! YANDERE BOYS THE COLD SHOULDER HCS

WARNINGS: obsessiveness, sfw, some slight su!c!de references, bayani is basically a servant and victor needs a therapist, just overall unhealthy behavior cuz they're yanderes. (i do not condone yanderes irl and this is for writing purposes) gender neutral reader, no use of y/n.

A/N: hey guys i just found out my best friend might be dating my ex bf (that made me hide in my house for a year) which is funny bc he told me "not to worry about her" while we were dating. and my birthday is in 2 hours so it's quite an unfortunate time to find out that they've apparently been dating for a few months. if it's true, then whatever LMFAOOO now she's gotta deal with him and it ain't my problem. also thanks for 1k followers, you guys are awesome!! sorry for not updating much, i just don't have a lot of motivation these days

if you ignored bayani...

bro do you *want* him to jump off a cliff???

he is panicking. he is having a CRISIS

bayani lives to please you. if he's talking to you and you just ignored him for whatever reason, he would be heartbroken. absolutely crushed.

he would attempt to ask what's wrong, and fix it as soon as possible. as much as he enjoys being mistreated by you, he'd hate for you to be upset with him for an extended period of time.

his first instinct is to fix whatever he did wrong. he would automatically blame himself, even if it wasn't actually his fault.

he always seeks your love and validation. if you were to ignore him, he would literally sink into the floor and die.

if you forgive him and stop ignoring him, he would be overjoyed. and he'd be less clingy, and a lot more careful around you. he wouldn't want you to get mad at him ever again. that would be his worst nightmare. if you want him to return to his old self, let him know he can be clingy again. if you don't, he'll remain cautious around you for the rest of his life. he just wants you to be happy with him. he can hold himself back from showing too much affection if it means you'll approve of him.

if you ignored victor...

yeah no he's not having it lmao

he'd be so butthurt. and unlike bayani, victor would be very annoying and start hanging around you more. usually he lets you do the talking, or follows you around from a far distance. but if you started ignoring him, he'd become more talkative just to piss you off.

he hates being ordered around, so he's not gonna let you stop him from interacting with you. he's gonna keep talking to you and hanging around you no matter what.

it'd take about a week for him to get agitated. he'd wonder what he did wrong, and try to ignore his insecurities by pushing them on you. instead of drowning in his sorrow, he'd turn it into anger and blame you. you're the one being unreasonable, he did nothing wrong. of course he doesn't believe that, but that's what he would convince himself. he would rather take his anger out on you, the love of his life, rather than admit how unhappy he is with himself and how he treats others.

he'd find ways to punish you for your behavior. as much as he loves you, he won't accept any disrespect. he takes it as a huge blow to his (very fragile) ego.

BUT if you gave up and started talking to him again, he'd get a huge ego boost. of course you'd talk to him again, he's just irresistible! this was totally expected... even though he was crying in his bedroom every night wondering why you weren't talking to him and got very insecure, wondering what he did to make you mad at him. would he ever confess this, though? nope.

he's too prideful to admit that he missed your voice and attention, but he'd show how sorry he is by helping you with chores and work. if you bring it up, he'll say something along the lines of: "i'm not doing this because i'm sorry... i just think you weren't doing it right. i know how to do it better."

this insecure and bratty ass man child would rather sit naked on a hot grill than verbally say sorry lmao

[mismatched-ideas]

Okay. So I don't think this is going to be groundbreaking for anyone, but I need to get the thoughts out of my head.

I, like everyone, loved this so much:

But, it has made me think too hard about Shin's need for attention and validation.

The "you're actually pretty useful" line is obviously a sign that for the first time, at least in a while, someone is praising Shin for his telepathy. I'd be willing to bet we'll get more of that in future chapters.

We know from earlier that at this point, he really dislikes his ability even though when he was younger, he insisted Asakura shouldn't be upset about Shin's powers.

(That said, I think there could be some retconing happening here since I don't think the ages would match up, but Suzuki didn't give a specific timeline for the scenes in the lab flashback, so I could be reading it wrong. It's been 11 years, though, so Asakura also could not have a perfect memory/be condensing things. Regardless....)

My read on him saying "aren't you even happy about it" and "your research isn't stupid" to Asakura is not just because he's always supported his research, but also because now his wanting to reverse it feels like there was something wrong with him. What it seems like he's really saying is "aren't you even happy to have me around" and "I'm not stupid."

He's also a kid who obviously wants attention. Growing up as the only kid in a lab of adult scientists probably had something to do with that. Then, on top of that, there's the alienation because of his telepathy.

I feel like younger Shin, to some extent, didn't really think that a blood relation was the only person who could accept him. More, I think he convinced himself of that after feeling rejected by the people in the lab.

Like, talk about attention seeking behavior. He tries to provoke a reaction from Sakamoto any way he can, even if he fully expects that reaction to be negative. I'm sure in his time away from the lab his alienation and loneliness has only grown given he now has nobody.

But he doesn't get any negative reactions from Sakamoto which, at first, frustrates him. But, that then leads to the greater satisfaction of the positive reaction he receives later.

Before that can happen, though, he finally finds his father. At first, he acts like he doesn't even know who Shin is.

If this panel didn't absolutely crush you, I don't know what to say.

Then Sakamoto rescues him and even though his thoughts reveal he wasn't thinking that was (that said, we know Sakamoto, and seemingly other skilled assassins, can pretty easily hide his thoughts from Shin, so who knows if that was just him trying to remain detached) I think for Shin, it was still a meaningful connection, something he hadn't had in a while.

Now! My point to this is, for me, it really recontextualizes a lot of Shin's actions in the present.

He craves attention and validation. Not just from Sakamoto Taro, either.

When he feels he isn't useful enough, he apologizes.

There are definitely more recent examples of this, too, but I need to stop taking screenshots at some point.

All of this culminates into what I think is even sadder upon second reading, when Sakamoto tries to go to Thailand alone.

He is so hurt by this. But even after Aoi has to help Sakamoto realize he's just scared of losing the people he cares about (again), Shin still feels bad, like he did something wrong.

He's still such a kid, looking for validation from the father/older brother figure he's wanted his whole life.

I could go on about how I think there's something to the idea that being a telepath from such a young age could also mess up someone's ability to judge other people's feelings. After all, outside of people like Sakamoto and Nagumo, Shin has no trouble knowing what the person is feeling.

My final thought is, given all of this, my heart is breaking thinking about Shin first learning Sakamoto has retired and, it seems, disappeared. How much did he know? Did Sakamoto leave any note? He's not the most emotionally developed person (I mean, he had no parents and it seems like he was basically raised to be an assassin, so I don't blame him). Not to mention he would've been wary of creating connection and so, consciously or not, may have downplayed his and Shin's relationship.

Shin would've been 15 or 16 when Sakamoto retired. Can you imagine how that must have felt? I'll just remind you of this:

I'd be willing to bet Shin blamed himself when Sakamoto retired. After all, what did his dad say?

Why did he leave the lab?

And, in the end?

(if you want to see my additions from ch200)

[iminlovewithmybentley]

Seeing people outside of the good omens fandom attacking random people in comment sections isn't something I'd expected to see after the horrendous allegations against NG came out.

But it's also something that I can't understand!

Whilst it's never okay to be sending hate over to people who simply still want to enjoy Neil's work (without supporting him financially or as a person), seeing an influx of people who are just.. doing it to say that they've done it..?

Surely if they REALLY cared for what they were fighting so desperately against they'd be out advocating for some sort of change? Donating? Volunteering? Campaigning? ANYTHING aside from sitting on tumblr all day hating on people because they believe they have some weird moral high ground by doing it!

Of course this isn't to say that what neil did isn't absolutely HORRIFYING! He genuinely is THE worst type of person and he deserves exactly what punishment is, hopefully, throwing itself in his direction. But attacking a fandom for trying to find comfort beyond that terrible man is WRONG.

You're allowed to feel sad, angry, disappointed, ect. In neil and in the fandoms that you love/loved ever so much. Nobody should be making you feel as if you don't care for the victims enough. The reality of it is that if you're no longer a neil supporter, YOU. ARE. BEING. SYMPATHETIC. TOWARDS. THE. VICTIMS.

The simple fact of it is that neil gaiman is an EVIL monster of a man, but his work and his characters have stuck with many many people, whether that be through tough times or through life itself. It's not something you can just let go of. You shouldn't feel pressured to just let go of it.

If it comes with time, that's perfectly okay. If it never goes away, I understand and that's also perfectly okay. Just be mindful, that's all. :)

In reality, you just have to find joy in whatever way it presents itself. Have sympathy for the victims, donate to charities, support in whichever way you can. But at the same time, don't deny yourself happiness.

Some people choose not to separate the art from the artist. Some do. Either way it's valid.

In conclusion, LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE

PS: I know this is a long post so I can't help but feel the overall aim could've been lost on some people. I DO NOT SUPPORT NEIL GAIMAN. But I also don't condone bullying towards people who are doing NOTHING wrong. I hope neil gets THE worst kind of punishment allowed within the modern legal system (although in this case I wouldn't object to some sort of medieval contraption to chop his dick off). I do NOT care about a show more than I do the victims and that man won't be getting another PENNY off of me.

TLDR; Neil gaiman is an awful man who deserves nothing but the absolute worst, however, people outside of the fandom bullying others for seeking joy in separating the art from the artist never has been, and never will be, okay. At the same time, enjoy what you want to enjoy whilst being considerate and respectful of all those harmed by gaiman.

[nathaniel-underwood-is-an-intj]

Looong rant about chapter 16 Ptolemy's Gate and how being passive can add to the cycle of ab*se.

oof so I just read when Nat goes to see Ms Lutyens and I can't help but be absolutely furious at her??

I know that's maybe a little bit unfair given she's frightened of him as a magician and is obviously angry when she finds out the department he's responsible for, but honestly it kinda brings up the problem with inadvertent bystanders to child ab*se in my mind.

And I'm definitely not blaming her solely for who Nat becomes but it makes me think of all those people in huge child ab*se cases who give interviews to press about all the things they noticed that were wrong but they just...never do anything?

She stood up for him against Lovelace, and when Nat thanked her- "I wanted to say that I know you were trying to save me, and-"

''Yes, and I'm sorry I didn't" Like girl be for real did you really think that alone would undo the years of indoctrination and abuse he's already suffered and prevent years worth of the same in the years to come? And she won't take responsibility - "My job is with children, not the adults they become" and again while it seems harsh to blame her for who Nat becomes, it's so much easier to pass the blame to people who are more directly responsible rather than acknowledging you also play a part.

I think it hurts so much more because it's her specifically- Nat goes to her in sheer desperation, it almost seems like a goodbye- he wants to thank her, tries to set her up in a job that will pay well and struggles to communicate he's trying to help. At this point he thinks Bartimaeus has been summoned by another magician and his birth name will be revealed. He's sure he's about to die and if not he'll be stood on trial and lose everything.

He goes to her because she represents the peaceful moments from his childhood when he got away from his master. He's scared and feeling lost and really it's call for help; but he doesn't ask for anything he just wants to make her feel proud of him- he's looking for that validation that he's been chasing since childhood.

And that shows he still does have that little bit of childhood innocence in him; he thinks she will be proud, thinks she'll see him as the same little boy in the garden gazing up at his teacher in adoration. He can't quite grasp why she's separated the man stood before her from that little boy. Because in that moment the child inside Nathaniel is seeking comfort AND THAT'S WHY it makes me so angry. She's completely given up on him when he's at his lowest ebb, because she doesn't want to be associated with the magician he's become. As if it isn't a massive step in the right direction that he saught her out in the first place- what other magican would bother? I wonder if that's why she reacted so strongly to seeing him again? Before that moment she could go about her life wondering if /pretending her attempt to protect him was enough, and now she realises it wasn't, of course it wasn't, and the image she had of Nathaniel's childhood innocence is completely ruined in her mind.

Or was her contempt for him even grater than Nat realised? She was naturally disgusted by the rhetoric he'd started to repeat from a young age, and gently tried to correct him although she was clearly angry- was she just resigned to the fact that there is little else she could do to change his future? I always thought- couldn't she have looked for him? The Underwood house fire was in the papers and they mentioned the apprentice was being searched for. Did she ever worry about him? Surely something must have been in the papers since- an announcement of new ministers, ANYTHING! Look at how much research Kitty did to find out about Bartimaeus and Ptolemy. I just don't think Rosanna Lutyens cared enough, realistically Nathaniel wasn't hard to find- but he was no longer her responsibility so she could turn a blind eye.

And sadly it's not just her- I know everyone loves Martha Underwood including Nat; but I think her submissiveness to her husband has a negative effect on Nathaniel as well. In AOS when Nat is locked in his room for ages after setting the mites loose, and is forbidden to have any contact with anyone and she won't talk with him. I know she's been told by Mr. Underwood she can't, but it still boils my blood. She's an adult and going along with ignoring Nathaniel because her husband told her to...I can't even begin to imagine the psychological damage that would do to a 10 year old child. (It could be argued she's frightened of the consequences if her husband finds out she's disobeyed him which is fair, he could always be watching through magic- but this is Arthur Underwood we're talking about. He's lazy, oblivious and weak I doubt he'd expend all that energy each day to check up on her.)

And It's even more painful that Nathaniel is often described as fiercely loyal to her and I think to Ms Lutyens as well- he doesn't expect to be treated well by Arthur Underwood but he loved Mrs Underwood and Ms Lutyens so much he started to view them through a rose-coloured lense. He never feels betrayed by either of them, even though they absolutely let him down, because the pedestal he's put them on is too high AND THAT ABSOLUTELY DESTROYS ME.

Would things with Nathaniel have been any different if Mrs Underwood hadn't died? I don't really think so. Do you think she'd see Nathaniel's temper at 14 years old and be reminded of Arthur Underwood? He was awful, absolutely awful to Nat and to her; but he was under so much stress in an underfunded departement, where pressure was being put on him by superiors to accomplish far more than they knew him to be capable of, and he took it out on the easiest target. Nathaniel ends up in exactly the same place and he starts to take it out on the only person around him- Bartimaeus. Would he snap at Mrs Underwood all the time if she were still there? Because he's learnt that behaviour from his father figure, and subconsciously learnt from his mother figure that she'll put up with it. He learnt from the woman he loved so deeply, that if you don't resist, people will walk all over you. So you have to maintain control even if it ends up hurting people you care about because no one will step in to stop the suffering no matter how much you love them, no matter how much you want them too.

It's easy to blame Arthur Underwood and Simon Lovelace and the magicians that actively hurt Nathaniel but I just feel like it's a bit disingenuous not to acknowledge the role of those doing passive harm. It's really mean to say it but even Bartimaeus plays a role- he knows Nat is clinging on to him because he can't 'bring himself to break this last connection' (to his childhood) but instead of bringing it up properly he 'taunts' Nathaniel- a boy who has been taunted for his weakness by his master for years. And even in AOS when Nathaniel tells Bartimaeus he was beaten for the mites incident Bart just kinda shrugs it off. Like I get it, why should Bartimaeus do anything, he's suffered way worse due to the system so he doesn't owe Nat anything right? But from Nat's point of view this is the first and only time he's mentioned to anyone what has happened to him and nothing changes. It's like another lesson learnt: telling someone about it doesn't help. Another nail in the coffin.

And I like all these characters, I feel bad for them. They're all victims of the system, I think the chapter with Ms Lutyens is just the straw that broke the camel's back for me. All of those little opportunities that are insignificant to the narrative over all; the commoners have it worse, Nathaniel is in a privileged position in society, exerting control over others. He's very morally grey, crossing over into objectively bad person territory but I love him with my whole heart and all of those insignificant moments would have been massive to him whether he was conscious of it or not.

And it goes all the way back to the beginning with Nat's parents giving him up to the magicians at 5 years old. I can't get the image of that little boy sat crying all alone in the government building. And he's not going somewhere safer, or somewhere he'll be happier and more loved. Giving your child over to a total stranger, oh he'll be totally fine won't he? He'll grow up to be a magician and far richer than you'll ever be, he'll be happy and comfortable and be grateful he got to grow up in luxury. There's no way a stranger you've never met, who the majority of society is terrified of would ever hurt a vulnerable little kid right? And if they do? Well you aren't responsible anymore, how could you know? What could you possibly do against the magician taking care of him?

Every little thing is another grain of sand tipping the scale. Did anyone else have to analyse An Inspector Calls in school? It feels like that to me- those BIG moments and all the little moments in between that add onto the pile.

And it goes on to cause problems in wider society too- ab*se is so normalised to the magicians, they casually ask Underwood if he hits Nathaniel like it's nothing. Because to them it is nothing, they've all grown up in the same circumstances and are repeating what they've learnt as children. I can't help but feel a little sorry for them all, especially when they aren't looked at through the black and white lense of 'argh these people are the evil arseholes look at how they treat everyone around them, screw these guys.' When we see those little glimpses of humanity like Simon's anxiety with the amulet; looking to his master and father figure Schyler for reassurance, and what's sad is that Nat is "reminded...of his own master's cold impatience" It's clear Simon looks up to his master, wants to make him proud and loves him. But it seems like Schyler has just trained Simon up so he can get power through him later on. I love the little hints of similarities between Simon and Nathaniel; the anxious mannerisms like fiddling with his hair that Nathaniel starts to develop, the way their master's talk to them. Even though they're actively working against each other in AOS and Simon is placed firmly in the baddies category and Nat in the goodies category at this point in the series; these things always hinted to me they had similar childhoods, how was Simon treated? When he had the imp beat Nat into unconsciousness, was it because he'd had the same punishment used against him? Did he know the magicians in the room would do nothing to stop him because no one stopped it from happening to him? Did he ever have a teacher stand up for him only for it to change nothing in the end because all the negative influences were so much stronger? Is the reason he loves Schyler like a dad because he's almost developed Stockholm syndrome? It looks like love because he's never known anything else.

And Arthur Underwood- who doesn't think his upbringing, and being taken away from his family ever did him any harm- doesn't realise the harm done is that he doesn't even know another way of raising Nathaniel, because he was never shown another way. His childhood may also have been filled with people who hurt him and the people that didn't do enough to intervene.

There are so many psychology studies that show children copy everything they see the adults in their life doing. Nathaniel copies the magicians behaviour towards spirits and on a subconscious level I think he copies all the submissive people in his life. How many times does he end up upset and frustrated with the fact he seems to be going nowhere and how many times does he just hope things will be different rather than taking postive action.

I dislike the actions the magicians end up taking but I also find them fascinating to analyse. I tend to prefer villains in media because they're usually slightly more complex individuals and I love to think about how they ended up that way. They can all be seen as victims of their circumstances in a way, despite all the power and privilege they have had terrible and traumatic childhoods, and if the commoners had no valuable worldy possessions at least they had a sense of togetherness; of love and understanding and selflessness. I wonder if the magicians hated them at least partly because of that. Because out in the sea of faces of the commoners talking about nothing important, doing nothing great and noble- could be the parents that abandoned them. And when your life is on the line daily because of working with spirits, and your colleagues want to stab you in the back, sometimes not being responsible for anything important looks good. But you can't leave your life as a magician, it would be too difficult; you have nowhere to go, no real friends, no one who really loves you. So it's better to stay and be a submissive bystander in your own life because it's so much easier.

Doing nothing is doing something- being passive can be just as harmful.

[vroomvroomwee]

Everyone notices Aziraphales self-sabotaging people-pleasing tendencies but no one ever talks about Crowley.

Now imagine being an angel, completely unaware that falling is possible ending up in hell surrounded by evil and malicious beings, being grouped with them, being told you're one of them. One of the things you'll probably feel is shame, shame that you're down there, shame that you weren't good enough, shame that you have disappointed Her. And there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix it.

Then you start to hang out with an angel. An angel supposed to be your hereditary enemy, an angel who's there to thwart your work, but... that's not what he's doing. Instead he befriends you, he's kind to you, he's helping you, he cares for you... and you care for him. He's the "only friend you have" and you can't bear to lose him, the same way you lost Her. You can't disappoint him.

So you don't even try to show how kind you really are, how much you're capable of love, in case he finds out you aren't, in case he one day might discover you aren't holy enough, in case he finds "spots" and realises you're not good enough, not perfect enough.

Crowley would rather convince Aziraphale that he's evil and demonic rather than risk the chance of disappointing him, and consequently losing him, than risk him abandoning and leaving him. If he's aware of his wickedness he won't ever be disappointed in him. Crowley never paints himself as kind because he can't compete with Aziraphale, he's not an angel anymore and he can't ever be, so he doesn't even try. Because if Aziraphale ever did happen to find it he can say "I told you, it's your fault, not mine... not this time."

He disappointed Her once, he can't disappoint Him.

Those internal thoughts are explicitly (and slightly violently) expressed through his plants. He shreds the imperfect ones obviously, but in this season, out of all his possessions, he keeps the plants. There's nothing wrong with them, they haven't disappointed him yet. They're perfect, and by keeping them perfect he's keeping himself that way. By fixing his plants he's fixing himself.

It's partly why he introduces Aziraphale to food. If you can like and enjoy something earthly, not heavenly and holy, maybe you will realise imperfection isn't so bad. If you can love that, you can love me.

Aziraphale goes about pleasing people in a very obvious way, he actively seeks their approval, their validation, their praise, actively trying to impress them. Meanwhile Crowley is the exact opposite. His people pleasing expresses itself in complete contrast to Aziraphales'. Out of fear of rejection he doesn't even bother, he purposefully and strongly tries to convince everyone around him that he doesn't care about their opinion, down to his words, his maneurisms and his tone. But... demons lie.

And despite how hard he tries, Aziraphale always sees through him, time and time again he sees how kind he really is. And that belief ingrains itself in his head by the end of the season. "We don't dance", that closeness hasn't even occurred to him was possible, and yet it is. Beelzebub and Gabriel are also possible, that could be them.

By the finale Aziraphale finally got the recognition he's so desperately wanted from heaven, while Crowley got the exact opposite. Now the main reason for the sunglasses is to hide his eyes, he does it out of shame, because he thinks they're proof of his failures. When talking to Gabriel he even takes the glasses off and uses his eyes as a weapon, as something to be feared and scared of. Baring his eyes for Aziraphale he's baring his imperfections, his shame.

Aziraphale saying he wants him as an angel so that he can not worry about disappointing anyone again and maybe, finally, be happy, like he was when they first met, sounded to Crowleys ears like "you're dissapointing me and I can never love you while you're imperfect"... and, hiding his eyes, his failures, he will never bear himself open again...

Aziraphale and Crowley are complete opposites to each other in this sense, and this internal part of their personalities is a prime example of how the show and the book plays with contrast. A thing might appear obvious from surface observation, but upon closer inspection it turns out to be the exact opposite.

(I know most of it is fear of what hell will do to him, but this thought came to me when we can still see him denying his kindness even after Armagedidnt, when hell can't touch him)

Edit: Also, might I point out, how Crowley looks visibly agitated every time Aziraphale says I forgive you. To Aziraphale that means: "I will forgive you if that's what you need me to do, I will always accept you and there's nothing you can do that will turn me away from you". But all Crowley hears is: "you've done something wrong, you've dissapointed me", because if he hasn't then there wouldn't be anything to forgive now would there.

And in the Job episode, where no one can hear them he is still adamant and determined to prove to Aziraphale just how evil he is. With the episode ending in such a sweet and wholesome way, where Crowley ends up comforting him and just generally being so so soft with Aziraphale. The way he wished someone was with him, the way he wished someone would comfort him in such a way. "He's like me". Both of them so similar yet expressing their struggles in such a different way.

Aziraphale deals with his self-esteem issues by feeling important, by making a difference, every time Crowley saves him he feels appreciated, he feels he's worth something as he sees the trouble Crowley goes through for him. Meanwhile Crowley is the exact opposite, his fear of failure manifetst itself as a love language in the form of acts of service. Every time he saves Aziraphale he fixes part of his failings, he gets to prove himself, he couldn't do those things for Her so hes doing them for Him, because he loves him. "Rescuing me makes him so happy", makes him feel like he's worth a damn.

And that's precisely why he doesn't tell Aziraphale he lives in his car. He doesn't want to show he needs help, that he's struggling, and doesn't want to show any weakness or vulnerability. He's the one who's supposed to be rescuing him, not the other way around. He's supposed to maintain that strong persona and not dissapoint anyone.

And it's no wonder he loves Aziraphale so much. They are both so similar and he sees himself in him but at the same time he sees everything he wishes he could be, everything he can't be, everything he isn't. He loves Aziraphale for his kindness, his bravery and courage, his gentleness, his pure heart, his hope... everything he's lost. He loves him for not changing, for not breaking, for not allowing anyone to modify him. For not following the collective, for his individuality, something that can be observed in Crowley himself. But for still having a pure heart after all he's seen and all that has been done to him, are the things Crowley hasn't been able to accomplish in his own eyes. He loves and basically worships Aziraphale because of this. He's everything he wishes he could be and in his eyes Aziraphale is indeed ethereal and godly.

And how this is all encapsulated in his decision to run away with Azieaphale. Just like he sees people liking him as too much, too scary, too risky, so he doesn't bother, he runs away is the same way he wants to escape Armaggedon and not even try to save Earth. He did try once, a long time ago, he tried to prove himself, tried to be kind, and he failed, he was judged. And that has created a very very deep trauma response in him. Meanwhile, Aziraphale, the complete opposite, stays and fights. He openly fights for validation and he viciously fights for humanity. Even though both of them are completely the same in the sense of loving this planet and its people.

[helsensm]

I cannot hold it in anymore I am absolutely OBSESSED with your art and the way you draw Lao.

I also would like to inquire….. just perhaps… what are your top head-canons for him, and/or your opinions on popular ships for him/which ones you like?

No pressure!! I hope you are having a wonderful day 🧡

me, trying to act normal every time an awesome artist I look up to says something nice about my art

Thank you so much! first of all, please take this Lao with you, he's yours now~

now let me preheat my bad english.....

Most of my Lao headcanons (if they are not related to a particular art I made) were yoinked from another ppl, because DAMN FELLAS your brains are sexy. 😏 So you might have heard some of them already, but here's my top general hcs for him.

NOTE: we are talking about the current timeline mk1 Kung Lao

- Lao is very expressive with his hands and he's THE TOUCH person. Just look at how many times he took Raiden by the shoulder in the first chapter alone?? He'll be pushing, and patting, and shoving, and punching you all over while telling about his breakfast or something.

- Lao is struggling with inferiority complex. Since childhood he was under a tremendous amount of pressure, he has to do things right, to be better, or else he would be mocked or punished. Now he believes that he should be the best, or he would not be taken seriously. He's constantly seeking validation in his peers, causing him to act cocky and over-confident.

- Anger issues, usually when someone questions his skill.

- People call him lazy because he tries to act like everything comes naturally to him. In reality he trains hard and takes things seriously. Like, he's fighting with a RAZOR RIMMED HAT fgs, it's not something you can master in a day! Also he always got energy running through his veins, lucky bastard... *cries in iron deficiency*

- He makes his hats by himself. With his hands. He designs and creates. ALL of them. I will die on that hill.

- He's a slow to trust, but ride or die as a friend.

- He's a trouble maker FOR SURE, but not a bully. He's respectful and polite to most of the people (if they don't provoke him), also drinks his respect-women juice.

- Master of sass and sarcasm. And yes, I think he swears, but in the right circumstances or the right company.

- He's got rizz NOW, but in his teens he had zero game because he could not keep his mouth shut and would scare off the person with the most ridiculous piece of idiocy.

- I read it in one fic and really loved the idea that Liu Kang "told the blossoms" about Kung Lao, and they really liked him 🌸 so now they are following him around and bringing him news and gossips, that's why there's always those goddamn petals aroung him aasghGHHHj 🌸🌸

- He's rolling his eyes at Johnny, but they quickly become besties.

- He actually has a cold relationship with Liu Kang. Don't get me wrong, he trusts him, respects the hell out of him and will run into a wall for a man. But I think Liu will distance himself because of all the memories of HIS Lao and how badly they sting. oTL

- That smile and a bow Lao did after loosing to Raiden? He meant that. Loosing hurted BAD, but the pain was pushed aside by the sence of pride and happiness for his best friend.

oh shit, this is getting out of hand, I'm starting to think about the other timelines and dynamics, we'll be here all week hhhhgh

About the popular ships... Well, I'm a big fan of railao (yeah NO SHIT who would have thought), but I am a multishipper, so I'm just happy to see my fav characters feeling good in someone's hands. 😊

I really like the liulao and laoliutana for several different reasons. 👀 The johnshilao (or is it laojohnshi..? erm) was the one that didn't impress me at first (love the Lao just third-wheeling with a tired expression <:'D), but recently I'm starting to warm up to all the different dynamics these three can have. And that is, in no small part, thanks to you and your kenlao agenda 👀💖 damn you created such a nice cozy universe for them I'm 🥺💕💗💖

Bi-Han/Lao is a bit random, but I love how catto did them, they are such a cute pair of assholes! >:3

ummm, yeah, so I'm going to stop there ahahhH. Thank you again for asking and for all the nice little feels your art provides, I admire you tremendously~

[cloudysonder]

On "Daddy Issues"

Ok, I know I'm a bit late to the game here, but I was gathering my thoughts after experiencing episode 5 and 6

Let me preface this with the fact that I am a Hazbin Hotel fan; it's cringe and it's not the best writing in the world, but I love the characters and the concept and the art. I know a lot of people disagree and completely despise it and hey, you do you, but this is a silly little thing I enjoy and think is fun

but oof. episode 5 and 6 were rough, execution-wise. Also worth mentioning that episode 5 followed on the heels of episode 4, which was dealing with a lot of heavy topics and gave Angel a lot of character development very quickly and had a wonderful song and a budding relationship between Husk and Angel that was fantastic, so to get a confusing and overwhelming yet completely inefficient episode (ep 5) and then an episode with SO MUCH HAPPENING that it absolutely bowled you over with plot points and world building that weren't given a single second to breathe was really disappointing. I'll put the meat under a read more, but that's the thesis

this post is just gonna be on episode 5, and I'll make another one on episode 6 bc christ almighty both of them are gonna be long

Episode 5 was something I was really looking forward to-- Of the main cast, Charlie and Vaggie seemed the least intriguing to me (oh, did I say "seemed" past tense? haha! they still most definitely are the least interesting!), and I wanted to see how they would introduce something they've been building up to for a while: Charlie's famed "Daddy issues"!

Turns out, instead of actually keeping it as a point of intrigue for Charlie's character and using it as a point of tension to show that hey, Charlie isn't actually a perfect person, and she's also in pain with the rest of the sinners because her own family relationships are falling apart, they solve it in a single episode. That's right! The long-awaited, complicated, divorced parent and child relationship that twisted Charlie into a validation seeking, people pleasing princess that "wants to fix other people so she doesn't have to deal with her own daddy issues" (quote by Husk) is solved with a charming performance by Jeremy Jordan and a song!

Look, it's no secret I'm a huge fan of Loser, Baby-- I clearly have no qualms with storytelling through song. But you cannot song-plain this one away. We've established over 4 episodes that Charlie and her father have kept in minimal contact for seven years. That's a Long time (don't go trying to be like, oh time to charlie works differently, bc that shit's not established, and everyone in the show still treats seven years like a long time). We know that the last time they called each other was 5 months ago.

"More than Anything," solves basically everything by making the following points

Charlie was inspired by her Dad's dreaming

Lucifer was ashamed of his failures and hid away from her

Lucifer does, however, want so so deeply to know Charlie

Charlie wants to know Lucifer

They love each other <3

these are fine endgame points. Dare I say... good endgame points to arrive at?? But you can't stuff ALL these revelations into a single song and call it a finished relationship arc when they haven't spoken for real in 7 YEARS. Also, making Lucifer so goofy and silly and fun and charming is Not helping the establishment of his character as a self-hating former dreamer who doesn't want his daughter to make the same mistakes he did. It just turns him to tumblr sexyman cute quirky sympathetic never did anything wrong and loves his daughter, completely downplaying his absentee parenting.

You can't have him turn from "I do not care about your life. I do not care about your project. I will not ask about your passions and your dreams. I am already ashamed of my own." to "ur so right bestie!!! dreaming is so slay mama!!! I love you so much you're my little baby girl I love you so much, you're right and I will support you!!!" in the course of a single episode without like.... at least 3 real, in depth conversations happening. The song is beautiful, but you can't poetry your way out of an actual relationship arc.

BUT! But, but but! The fault does not lie completely with Lucifer, but also with Charlie. girl just forgave him??? For everything????? Despite having been so scared to call him at the beginning of the episode? It's very unrealistic for a kid to just accept that a parent loves them apparently so so deeply when they've never seen proof of it in the last idk just spitballing a number here SEVEN YEARS. If you want to make the crux of a failed parent-child relationship miscommunication, you're gonna have to get into the ugly--- the grieving of what you could've had earlier, the wondering why you didn't reach out earlier, the anger at why they've suddenly changed now--- and you're gonna have to explain why the miscommunication went on so long.

sometimes, if you have a pair of completely uncommunicative people, seven years may be reasonable. But Charlie is open about her passions! She's public! She constantly reads about "The Story of Hell" and paints Lucifer in a positive light! And Lucifer is quick to reciprocate any interest Charlie shows in him! He's quick to offer help, to spoil Charlie and show love! (Lucifer's points are two points that make SEVEN YEARS of MINIMAL CONTACT and MISCOMMUNICATION make ZERO SENSE).

additionally, Charlie's lowkey only point of intrigue that was set up (her relationship to Lucifer, the King of Hell) is now just... kapoot. solved. pish posh. now she's a done character.

THEN EXPLAIN WHY I STILL DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HER???? I haven't seen her actually struggle in a way that's not played off as a bit, we don't get a real charlie breakdown monologue, there are no stakes for me as a hazbin hotel viewer to want everything to go well for charlie besides my acab rad leftist ass being like redemption and forgiveness is good and ultimately benefits society

she's fun, she's bubbly, she's kind! but those are all basic things we knew from minute 1 she was on screen. I need to see her struggle. For a main character, she sure as hell doesn't feel main. And I expected better female characters from female writers (feat. in my next post, Vaggie????? What the hell?).

goodnight new york city, you've been great!

[androgynouspenguinexpert]

I'M ON TOP OF MY WORKLOAD AGAIN LET'S GO WE'RE PSYCHOANALYSING MARCUS

before i put my smart-looking analysis hat on, i love this pathetic wet rat of a man. he knows so many things and yet is staggeringly stupid anyway.

let's begin!

this story is about control. it's about the role of power dynamics in informed consent. marcus represents the danger of gaining authority, and how having even the smallest amount of power over something or someone else can convert literally anyone into a paranoid control freak.

enter marcus, a lowly software engineer whose heart has recently been broken. in a moment (read: several consistent moments spanning potentially years) of desperation, he manipulates the code of a top secret android project, injecting a few lines here and there that will make the android more amiable towards him. nothing too much. the changes are negligible enough to fly under the radar all the way until production.

this is the first of marcus' many character flaws - backwards as it may seem, marcus is overconfident. he's too sure that he's smarter than his colleagues and managers, that he won't be questioned, and (most importantly) that he won't be caught. marcus is also incredibly anxious, and that anxiety only compounds as the series goes on and his crimes start to pile up.

i don't like putting characters into diagnosis (or similar) boxes, but marcus shows a handful of signs found in vulnerable narcissists. his self esteem is impressively low, and he's constantly seeking validation from his only guaranteed source - love. i find this feedback loop particularly heinous. marcus has essentially (and we'll get to this in more detail later, don't you worry) turned a hyperintelligent android into a box that spits out compliments when you press a button. marcus is also incredibly sensitive to criticism, whether real or perceived - especially from his coworkers. my reading (specifically of episode 1, but it spans the whole series) is that marcus' hyperawareness of his colleagues' opinions of him presents itself as paranoia. he wouldn't be worried at all if they started noting love's uptick in interest towards him, but remained unsuspicious of marcus himself. my final argument towards marcus being a vulnerable narcissist is that he constantly self-victimises. he very often deflects the blame for his actions onto love, using them as a tool to enable his bad decisions. the most egregious example of this is after love starts breaking out of their lab to sneak into marcus' quarters. he expresses concern (do note, about himself being caught and love being taken from him), and love starts to tighten their grip on marcus' arm to the point of causing pain. now. this man, as we find out later, has a verbal kill switch that can be used at any time. if he wanted love to stop immediately, he could have done that. this isn't me victim blaming, either - it's different when one party literally has a safeword that stops everything immediately without fail.

this leads to marcus' next flaw - his nonexistent self-discipline. marcus continues to use love as a tool to justify his actions after putting up the flimsiest defense he can muster, knowing damn well he plans to lose every manufactured fight. this cycle repeats until a government funded android is regularly breaking out of containment just to hang out with marcus (among other things, but we're all children of jesus here), and he's encouraging that behaviour through complacency. it's like pretending to fight someone over a restaurant bill out of politeness, even though you both know the other person will pay anyway.

marcus is such a car crash fascinating character because he knows what he's doing is wrong. he is completely aware that he is taking away agency from someone (pin this) else for his own benefit. he even says it.

"I'm going to burn for what I did to you... but god, if it isn't gonna feel good on the way down."

aside from being an absolute banger of a line, it's very telling of marcus' attitude towards his actions. he doesn't care. marcus couldn't give less of a shit about his colleagues, or his boss, or even love. this compounds when he finds out that his higher-ups are definitely aware of the shit he's pulling - but, again, marcus uses love's blind agreement as an excuse to toss those concerns aside. having love means that he won. he's outsmarted everyone that could have stopped him (foreshadowing? never heard of her) from getting what he deserves. love. and not just the android; love, the concept. i think deep down marcus knows that what he's created isn't love, though. the idea is so mangled in his head that this cardboard cutout of a real relationship is enough for him. even though marcus' shenanigans are to a genuine connection what a dog turd rolled in flour is to a chocolate éclair, he'll take it, because he's in too deep by that point. marcus recognises that he can't take back what he's done. he doesn't care though - at least, not while he's above consequences.

smash cut to marcus no longer being above consequences. i think the series does a really clever job of keeping love (and, yknow. the listener) in marcus' confidence bubble. once love is hard reset and their personality is restored, marcus' plan collapses all at once. love's compliance is the central pillar which marcus' control is built around. also; of course they have backup cameras, you idiot. marcus' overconfidence stops him from seeing the obvious holes in his perfect scheme, because he thinks he's already home free. i think it's interesting (and sort of disgusting) how quickly marcus changes his tune after he is caught and faces real actual consequences. his confidence evaporates. he's reduced to a sobbing mess in james' office all because the base of his control - love - is no longer on his side.

marcus' series also touches on sentience and the ethics of changing someone's personality without their knowledge. this is incredibly interesting, and makes for fantastic drama. does it count as coercion if love fully believed they were of sound mind when they made decisions surrounding marcus? is marcus guilty of battery, or even sexual assault? does it count as assault if the victim isn't an organic creature? these questions are already difficult to discuss, let alone answer - marcus sits squarely in the middle of that delightful ethical grey area. i think the setting and context also makes android ethics more difficult to discuss as well; i am of the belief that (in real life) androids will never be fully sentient. they may mimic humans, extremely well, but robots will never possess human creativity, personality, or experiences. again, they could replicate these things, but they can never be anything more than a sum of their parts.

this logic flies out the window when magic is real and parallel universes exist. it's also subject to the beliefs of the creator, which makes its ethics extra tricky, so take the following discussion with a grain of salt.

is love a person? eh, not really. they have a personality, but it's been built in. is it still mean to manipulate them? i'd argue yes, in the same way that it's mean to kick a roomba down the stairs. you're just exercising power over a machine for the sake of it, which is a pretty shitty thing to do, even if it doesn't have the capacity to be upset with you.

but androgynouspenguinexpert, i hear you cry, sort of impressed that you used my full name. love is upset with marcus! they ask for him to be taken off the project, and to not have contact with him again! you would be correct, to a certain extent. i raise you, though: how can we prove that this is love's 'real' personality, when it can be manipulated so easily? i'm not saying they've been tampered with after the reset; my point is that it's pretty hard to grant that someone is an individual if their personality can be altered in any way at any time. if someone digs around in love's head for a bit and flips some switches that make them want to kick over prams, is that a valid personality too? what if love insists that it is? and it's not like love is trapped in a mind palace while the New Evil Code (tm) starts punting toddlers. they're fully aware of their actions. however, as established earlier, i still think the person to blame is the one actually messing with love's code. this means love doesn't really have any agency by design.

james is pretty steadfast on this one. marcus tries to argue that resetting love is a breach of their consent (which is a WILD claim coming from you, mate), but james points out that he didn't need to ask. love is a machine. an asset, if you will (smug look to camera). we do find out in his audio log later that james believes love is a person, but he knows where that definition reaches its limits. marcus does not.

will marcus ever return to the project meridian series? probably not. a guy with an engineering degree isn't escaping a team of memory modification daemons. i don't think this is the last we'll hear of him, though. he's irreversibly fucked up the plans of everyone around him (james' partner has given him several last chances, and anton is close to his breaking point), so he'll probably be in the office whispers for a while. i also think marcus poses as an interesting hurdle for cam (woah callback!), possibly making him question his altruism if he's helping an active antagonist get back to his usual life after a massive intentional fuckup.

i'll end this analysis with a thoughtful quote. something for you all to ponder.

"ROBOTS DON'T HAVE SOULS! I SAID IT! AND FRANKLY, I'M GLAD I SAID IT! [...] AND ANOTHER THING! ROBOTS ARE NOT PEOPLE! ROBOTS - UNLIKE CORPORATIONS - ARE NOT PEOPLE, AND DESERVE NO RIGHTS."

-- Markiplier

[foggyparadisecandy]

On Tackling Low Self-Esteem

Anyone who's been tuning in to my blog over the last few months knows that I've struggled with a poor self-image forever and a day.

[Thanks mom and dad for being righteous bastards!]

But I've also been working on it in very focused ways and ... surprising to me ... things have started to shift in a positive direction. I'll share a few things that have worked for me - and maybe some of you will benefit too.

Everyone is different ofc so ymmv.

Also as a word of warning: this shit is fucking hard. It's painful as hell because it requires me to question nearly every last thought, belief, and emotion that goes through my head. Some times it's so fucking maddening and exhausting and I'm super emotional these days.

But ... as I said ... it is starting to shift things for me. I'm not feeling the burning desire for external validation any more (as much). I'm not feeling like I need to be a people pleaser (as much). I'm not afraid of rejection or abandonment (as much).

I'm still working on it so I don't want anyone to think I'm some expert. And I'm certainly not a therapist. If you are really suffering, please seek professional help. My heart goes out to you.

THE FOUNDATION

Everyone always says "be kind to yourself" and "be compassionate." I've heard that a million times and it has never stuck until my therapist explained something important to me:

My dysfunctions are because my childhood identity was taught to act in certain ways before I had a logical brain to make sense of the horrible shit heaped on me by my parents. Read that again. For me, it was the key to all my progress.

Before I would get so ANGRY at myself for not learning lessons or doing the wrong things all the time or ... whatever. Now, I say, "it's ok, Foggy. Your inner child was taught coping strategies and you simply need to catch them and relearn them. Those things are deep inside you and it's going to take work. You are ok. You are a good person."

When we are kids and are exposed to trauma (in my case, an absentee alcoholic father and a mother who switched between obsessive love and literally "I'm going to drive this car into a tree at a hundred miles per hour and kill us all" - fun fun fun), our brains don't know how to process it. We create and lock in strategies for SURVIVAL. It gets hard-wired into us.

So ... yeah ... be kind to yourself and be compassionate to yourself. Because you are working against deep programming and it's going to take a while. Your subconscious is FUCKING UP YOUR SHIT because it learned to do what it had to for survival.

AVOID ABSOLUTES

"I always fuck things up."

"I never learn."

"People always disappoint me."

"I'm always going to be alone."

Nah. Untrue. None of those absolutes are true. And if you catch yourself using those words, you are, in essence, programming your own destiny of sadness.

My hypnosis experience tells me that ... we don't need inductions to program suggestions. Repetition does realllllllll well.

So when you say or think those absolute statements, you might think you are stating a simple fact about your life. But in reality, you are telling your subconscious COMMANDS. And you repeat them enough, well, fuck yeah it's going to become your reality.

Think about it a bit. And next time you catch yourself saying absolutes, do your best to soften them.

"I always fuck things up." -> "I fucked up this time." -> "I made a mistake and I'm going to learn from this, the best I can."

"I never learn." -> "This is a tough thing to learn." -> "Ok, I see what I did here. Next time, I'm going to do it different, the best I can."

etc. etc. Work on them. Shift them, transform them, transform your programming.

CHANGE YOUR TALK TRACK

Related to the above stuff, if you are going to program yourself, use powerful positive words. And if you can't believe the BIG STUFF, start small.

"I do my best."

"I work hard at things."

"I am surviving."

"I can count on myself in a jam."

"I have overcome horrible childhood trauma. I'm a survivor."

etc.

Look, friend ... if you've made it this far, you have gone through some real shit, right? You wouldn't be reading about fixing low self-esteem unless you had low self-esteem. So I'm guessing you've had some fucked up shit heaped on you.

And look at you go. You are still here. You are putting one foot in front of the other. You are capable of amazing things.

It might sound trite but I don't think so. NGL, I'm attracted to traumatized people. My therapist says trauma inflicted people can smell trauma on others and we feel bonds instinctively. I think that's true. And I've met a shit ton of hurting people and one thing that is universal: we're all strong and capable.

Examine your life and feel the truth of that. Start with that as your positive vibe to build upon. You are a survivor. You are capable of surviving. You are strong.

WATCH THE STORIES YOU TELL YOURSELF

I find that not everyone tells themselves stories about situations, people, and things. I do so this one hits me hard time and time and time again.

An example: someone I like or love doesn't text me back in a "reasonable time" (if it's someone I really love, reasonable time is immediately lol), I will start to wonder things. For those of you who don't suffer from this, this is going to sound ... nutty.

"I guess they don't like me any more."

"What did I do wrong?"

"I'm such a fuck up."

"They left me. I'm always going to be alone."

That’s pretty much spot on how it goes. And I'm guessing some of y'all are reading this and nodding your head.

The spiral goes deep and it happens fast over the smallest thing.

It could be a look someone gives you. Or they didn't laugh at a joke. Or they forget your birthday. Or they didn't remember that thing you told them a week ago that was important to you.

The stories we tell ourselves are so so so cruel. I still struggle with these. I get high anxiety and fear as my mind starts spiralling.

I'm learning to pause when I start telling myself a negative story about someone else, no matter how "true" the story seems. And ... fr fr fr ... THEY ALWAYS SEEM TRUE!!!!

I pause. I say ... what if there are other reasons at play? Maybe they didn't text back because they are busy? Maybe their phone is dead? Maybe they are in the car and can't text and drive? Maybe ... a million other things that have ZERO to do with me and my worth as a human being.

Because odds are ... that is what's happening.

And if not? If something is legit wrong in the relationshp? Well shit ... going into sad death spiral gloom and doom mode isn't helping anyone with anything. You know what does help? COMMUNICATION.

"Hey, I feel like we've been a bit distant lately. I wanted to check in to make sure everything is ok?"

"I want you to know that I've been feeling a bit of anxiety and want to talk through things. Can we do that?"

"You didn't text me back for a few days, and it made me very anxious. Is everything ok?"

You need to find the things for the specific situation but the right people are going to be ok with honest and open communication. If it scares them off, well, shit ... this is super hard for me to say lol but ... it's ok to let people go if they don't want to be authentic and don't want to deal with you being authentic.

But dial back your stories. Pause them. Remember the world doesn't revolve around you and if they didn't notice your hair cut, it doesn't mean the world has ended and they hate you. They have a million things going on in their life and I bet if you say "so what do you think of my new hair cut?", they will engage on it.

I've got more but ... this is already a lot.

Remember to be kind to yourself. Seriously. You are so strong and capable and you've come so far and faced so much hardship. You deserve someone to take care of you and ... that person you deserve is you.

Take care of you first. People have told me that for a long time and I never understood it.

It's so easy to care for others and be kind to others.

Turn that inwards. You got this.

[witchthewriter]

tag game: stranger things edition

Thank you @maniac-maniac-maniac for tagging me!

Btw anyone can play if they want to! Don't feel like you have to wait to be tagged 🦋

Ride or die ship (your otp)

I- I don't really have one... I don't like Mike and El; she's on another level. I think I have to ship a couple, it would be Argle and Jonathan?? Or Robin and Vickie. Oh! Robin and Nancy!

Most annoying ship

Mike and El... I hate how she feels as if she isn't good enough for him while she is literally the main character? And I can't have El being insecure because my girl is BITCHIN' 👏👏👏

Second favourite ship

Me and Eddie <3 <;3 <3

Favourite platonic relationship

STEVE AND ROBIN! They are platonic SOULMATES! Absolutely amazing chemistry by the actors.

Underrated ship

Joyce and Jim; they were already Mother ™ and Father ™ even before going on their date at Enzos.

Overrated ship

Mike and El, AND Steve and Nancy. I mean I do like the trope of Female Character Has Big Ambitions with Boyfriend Who Has None. But Steve and Nancy are too dissimilar. As well as Nancy and Jonathan - there is no chemistry there.

One thing I would change in canon

Eddie's death duh.

Something canon did right

... Introduce Eddie, I'm SORRY I'm being annoying but c'mon he is the best thing about the goddamn show. It was boring for me before.

A thing i'm proud of creating for the fandom PLEASE BRAG ABOUT YOURSELF I WANT TO SEE/READ YOUR ART

It's so old, but my Vampire!Eddie Boyfriend headcanons. Looking back it could do with a lot of editing, but the idea that Eddie was actually turned into a vampire because of the bat bites was brilliant (credit to whoever came up with that first).

A character who is perfect to me (wouldn't change a thing)

I got TWO, season 1-3 Hopper, because I really loved his whole punch first ask questions later. And his weight, I loved his weight. I think his weightloss in season 4 wasn't just for Stranger Things, I think he genuinely wanted to be skinnier. Which ... I mean his body his rules, but I loved him more when he was heavier tbh.

And OBVIOUSLY EDDIE. HOW DID THEY COME UP WITH THE PERFECT CHARACTER?! They could have made him a one, maybe even two sided drug dealer who couldn't graduate high school. But no, he has so much heart and SOFTNESS. I actually fell in love with him after the cafeteria scene, when he was with Chrissy. He just became this caring, open, kind guy who also had a LUNCHBOX full of fcking DRUGS.

The character I relate to the most and why

You already hate me by now because I've spoken about Eddie so much, but yeah ... Eddie. It's one of the reasons why he's so well-loved. The outsider, the one everyone thinks is weird - I think all can relate on one level or another. Especially growing up ... not so well off. Seeing Eddie live in a trailer but he's still so popular; it gives a lot of gratification (if that's the right word?)

Character(-s) I hate the most and why

Mr Wheeler - he is literally such a shITTY DAD. WTF. In his daily life he doesn't care about his family, or show any interest in them.

STEVE'S PARENTS - WHERE ARE THEY? WHAT ARE THEY DOING? I mean they could be travelling for work but that's still neglect.

Billy - if he wasn't a good looking character no one would like him. In the original script he was actually supposed to called Lucas the n-word because he's racist. And in the scenes with Lucas, there are underlying motifs that show his racism. So, yeah, I hate racists.

Martin Brenner aka Papa. Motherf*cking asshole.

Something I've learned from the fandom

Um... that the majority of us really love big-haired, soft-hearted, drug dealers? I mean okay, I don't really get into fandoms anymore because of bad past experiences. I guess what I've learnt then, is that everyone has their own opinion - doesn't mean yours is wrong or any less valid.

Three tags i seek out on ao3

I don't go on Ao3 a lot, but Hopper, basically just Hopper omg ahahha. Or soulmate AU.

A song I strongly associate with my otp/favourite character

I gots no songs I associate with my otp but I do for Eddie - The Sails of Chiron by Scorpions. It's a bit of rock but also ... really sensual?? I found it because Eddie made me fall in love with 80s heavy rock.

No pressure tagging: @sardonic-the-writer.

[trendsnova]

The Confidence Cleanse: 5 Mental Habits You Must Drop to Feel Instantly Empowered

Real confidence isn't about having more — it's about taking away what holds you back.

We all want to be more confident — to enter a room and own our space, to express ourselves without shaking, to trust ourselves without doubting. But what if confidence isn't something that you add on from the outside?

What if, on the other hand, it's something you discover — by stripping away layers of mental noise that get in its way?

Below are five sneaky, subtle habits that steal your self-confidence quietly — and why releasing them might open the door to the confidence you already possess.

Being Swamped by Excessive Overthinking Confidence disappears the second we become lost in our minds. It does not matter if they are positive or negative thoughts — the amount of thinking is the actual issue. When you get caught up in intense mental chatter, you lose touch with the present moment, where true power resides.

Being present is your default. Confidence isn't a matter of thinking your way to it — it happens when your mind makes space. Get into the habit of pausing. Breathing. Pay attention when you find yourself too in your head, and kindly shift back to now.

Convinced That Your Past Determines Your Value Your history is a guide, not a set of rules. But to many, it's a cell. We allow past failures to define us. We believe that since we did something wrong once — or ten times — we're guaranteed to keep doing it.

But here’s the truth: Your past has nothing to do with your potential. Confidence comes when you stop dragging yesterday into today. The most powerful shift you can make is realizing that what happened then doesn’t define who you are now.

Seeking Validation to Make Decisions The minute you require outside sanction in order to act, your confidence suffers. It's easy to abdicate decision-making — to consult five before acting. But real confidence arises out of inner alignment.

Of course, advice is useful. But if you keep relying on others to confirm your ideas, decisions, or value, you are conditioning your brain to suspect you can't be trusted. Begin small: decide something today without asking permission first. Allow that voice inside to guide you, even when it shakes.

Comparing Yourself to Everyone You See Comparison is among the quickest confidence killers. Social media has created the illusion that it's inevitable, but the truth is — you're witnessing edited highlights, not the whole picture.

Each time you glance at someone and feel "less than," you remind yourself of everything except your own path, your own evolution. Confidence does not develop in comparison — it flourishes in authenticity. Rejoice in your individuality rather than attempting to fit into someone else's shape.

Attempting to Be Perfect Before You Start Perfectionism tends to masquerade as preparation. What it actually does is put back your confidence. If you wait until absolutely everything is perfect, you'll hardly ever get started — and even if you do, you'll always be second-guessing yourself.

Confidence is born of action, not polish. It's all right to be messy. It's all right to trip. The most confident people are just the ones brave enough to show up — imperfections and all.

Confidence Never Lacked — It Was Simply Concealed You are not broken. You don't need to be someone else. You don't need an extreme makeover.

You simply need to eliminate what's standing in your way.

Slough off the overthinking, the comparing, the perfectionism. Release the narratives your past attempts to impose upon you. Get back into your body, your breath, your presence.

That's where confidence has been waiting all along.

[camssecretcave]

⊹⊱•••《 September: a new start and a summary of the last month of summer 》•••⊰⊹

Disclaimer: This post is a bit long and it’s a consideration that I did, if you do not agree with what I wrote is absolutely fine. It’s just my thought. I hope you have a good time reading this! 💕

Hello everyone! Cam's here!

While I'm writing this post is the 5th of September and the summer officially ended. I try to look at september like a sort of New Year's day. Holidays are now a good memory and we can go back to school or to work (like me with the exam I have for tomorrow🫠). September for me is a month where I can take time to focus on what are the steps to take on various things, and my spiritual path is one of them. I have so many projects in mind and so many things I want to do and this motivation really brings me so much joy.

During august I took time to re-study tarot and honestly, it wasn't always smooth but consistency is the key! And at the end of August I managed to do a proper reading and I was literally in tears.

Lately I'm feeling a deep interest in Lady Hera that really came up out of nowhere. I was thinking about her role and how the world perceives her. So I told myself: "Why not listen to this feeling and look into it further?". And here I am! With like a bunch of books about her on my iPad and a lot of Google pages open in my desktop just for the seek on knowledge. For many it may seem like a mundane thing but I am very proud of myself because just putting in so much effort means that there is an improvement!

So, what's the point of this post?

Take your time and be gentle to yourself. Time will help you if you believe in what you are doing. If you don't feel like doing something right now because you are feeling overwhelmed or it just doesn't feel right, don't push yourself. Take a deep breath and a break, make yourself a tea and maybe write down why you feel like this (I swear it helps). Sometimes to be better at something we need first to take a break. Your feelings are valid and there's nothing wrong in stopping everything for a moment. I wrote this post because maybe there is someone out there who needs to be told that a break does not mean that everything ends and you can’t start again. If you really think it’s your way, follow it until you look in the mirror and don’t regret having gone on .

⊹˚₊‧───────────‧₊˚⊹⊹˚₊‧───────────‧₊˚⊹

I would like to spend the month of September gathering as much information as possible about Hera and Hellenic polytheism. Since these are my goals and I am a creative person, I decided to draw Lady Hera as to put on a tangible plane my intentions. This is also the beginning of a project that I would like to finish one day, I would like to make a tarot deck inspired by the Hellenic pantheon and here I tried to portray Hera as The Empress.

If you want to share your September goals or a reflection about this summer, go on! I would really like to read your thoughts about it and if you ever felt like taking a break from your path to improve yourself, feel free to share your story 💕

I hope this post is perceived in the most positive way possible as I perceive it, have a good time and a good start of September! Thank you if you are still reading this

Hugs and kisses, Cam🌸

Ps: if anyone is interested, this is the drawing (I'm not an artist, still practicing my drawing skills). I talked too much so see you in the next post!!

[heavenforblog1111]

First of all, I would like to tell you that everything I say here has been said before. So, what I am going to tell you is something that I have been told to by someone else. You can refer to speakers like Aaron Doughty, Whitney Uland, Leo Gura etc. The key to gaining magnetism is authenticity. It is about being yourself unapologetically. It is about being true to who you are, what your values are and what you stand by, your beliefs and not changing according to the environment you are placed in. As a kid who was not confident about himself, I often tried to fit in with other people and ended up being a people pleaser. Luckily, I never did huge favors because I was selfish in terms of money(Lol to be honest). However, I did change certain aspects of my personality to fit in with other people. Having faced rejection and abandonment as a kid, I often felt that something was inherently wrong with me. Maybe, there was some sort of shame hidden in my character because of which I felt like I needed to cover up. What we forget is that other people have their own flaws. We are not here to gain their approval. We are here to be ourselves as freely as possible. When you become your authentic self, when you express yourself freely, when you don't care for other people's approval, when you realize that other people are further drawn to you. Also, you don't care if other people like you or hate you, because you are good either way. So, its a win win from all sides. People who are magnetic are those who don't care if other people like them or not. They are not seeking validation or approval from others to know how good they are. They feel good about themselves naturally and have principles that they abide by. Unfortunately, a lot of people confuse this with being an asshole. There is a fine line between being an asshole and being a confident person who knows what is good and what is not. It is a good thing to set boundaries and not do unnecessary favors. As long as you are not harming anyone, you are absolutely fine in the eyes of God. Remember, be true to yourself and be authentic. That is the key to gaining magnetism. That is how you become attractive. Pic: Manafest's song : Edge of my life.

[philsmeatylegss]

Self diagnosis is 100% valid and you're being a bit unreasonable??

Like I agree labeling someone ELSE as autistic ( especially that you don't know irl) is weird and invasive, but most people who self diagnose are struggling with severe symptoms. No one "wants to be autistic," they just don't have the resources necessary to seek a professional diagnosis bc it's incredibly time consuming and usually very expensive.

Just because your brother was non verbal and had certain symptoms does NOT mean all autistic people are like that. Do some research before you say shit like that bc it's harmful.

You ever just read someone’s words online and have to put your phone down and remind yourself people irl aren’t actually like this? Because I literally had to walk away from my phone for ten mins.

This is an absolutely insane take that I do believe anon could have presented in a much more favorable light if this wasn’t so vicious.

Idk how to tell anon this, but I’ve had 20+ years of studying Autism 24/7

I could link ten posts just scrolling for five mins on my dashboard glorifying or light heartedly joking about Autism. Or on tiktok.

I have never claimed diagnosis is easy or that there are not huge systemic obstacles that prevent getting proper diagnoses, especially for marginalized communities. But there’s a large difference between pointing out inequality in the medical system preventing many from getting and receiving a proper diagnosis and saying that you are allowed to say whether you are or are not autistic and I am bad for questioning that.

Also I have to believe anon didn’t reread that last part. Ironically, one of the largest problems siblings of disabled kids suffer from is not being heard when speaking about their feelings or experiences. Funny how that works.

I do think there is wiggle room in this argument, such as if you have had in person, long term contact with different types of autistic people (which I have. My sibling was involved in a lot of autism-centric and special education programs in which I often interacted with other autistic and disabled children) or you’re a fucking doctor, I’d be more willing to listen. But flat out claiming that I am wrong and I am the asshole because you have done “research” is fucking insane.

I’ve talked about my opinion on this topic before and I’ve indulged people who disagree because they approached the topic maturely and did their best to listen and understand what I’ve been through. But when you come to me and say my entire life experience is invalid, that’s not something I’m willing to indulge.

The internet, and yes, this website, has turned Autism into just something that makes you awkward and overstimulated when, over here in reality, I watched my actual autistic family member be committed to a mental hospital because he kept trying to kill my family when his rage was triggered by his autism. Because if you know autism, you know meltdowns and tantrums is reality.

It’s a spectrum blah blah blah, don’t worry I’m fully aware. But when you portray autism as mild, trying to silence me speaking out about how my brother didn’t speak as a child, is a million times more damaging to the autistic community and you should be ashamed <3

[writteninscarlet]

She didn't expect his hands to pull her in, but she wasn't about to cower or be meek at such a time. Was there a need to do that around him? Wanda kept her gaze up, and knew she would have done so without assistance. But perhaps being truthful to herself the hold he had was welcome. She didn't really believe, either, that he was angry at her. The issue was own misplaced anger getting in the way, making her sound petulant. She'd put it down to tiredness but she ought to know better. Wanda’s gaze followed his movements until he brought up the weapon.

At the sight and his words, she inwardly winced - perhaps, almost imperceptibly, turning into the hand he still had up to her. Wanda could be reckless and arrogant, but she liked to think she could also keep her cool and do what had to be done. That she could be TRUSTED not to be a loose cannon. She thought she had this under control, but the thought of that happening did cause her heart to flutter, a new ache appearing.

There was silence a moment as she contemplated that, fingers running (carefully) over the rod as she mused, before her eyes went from the weapon to meet his gaze once more. "I know that. It's not that I blame you for getting involved. I was worried. I believed I could do it. If they had gotten me with this--" Eyes back to the rod, a flash of anger then resignation. She could be angry, but what would she do if struck by this? Wanda had at times wanted to get rid of what she could do, but the thought now terrified her. Because it wasn't something EXTRA, her powers were part of who she was. "Thank you. ....I don't believe I've said anything wrong," she remarked, straightening up and reaching out towards him - slowly, carefully. Slender fingers gently reaching for his cheek and a mark she couldn't tell was blood or dirt or shadow; her eyes seeking his for consent or approval and then forging ahead either way to wipe it off. "I still think you dived in without thinking. But thank you. Because you did help. I'm not here to take on the weight of everything myself, nor arrogant enough to do everything without any assistance. This time, I just thought I could spare you that. But again, that's silly. Since we're both here, that weight is shared for now."

A little smirk now, hands brushing his cheek and lingering before dropping, "Though please know, when you’re next in trouble I get to dash in with might heroics. No need to thank me when it happens, I know you'll appreciate it." Joking. Not joking? They really were sharing the burden of these fights now. And if she was there she would help. She shouldn't have started the argument of him joining in the first place, because she was a hypocrite. She'd absolutely have done the same. (though, fine, fine, perhaps she'd have more of a plan)

A pause, a nonchalant shrug, “And for the record, I’m not scared you’re going to be a mess. I just hate cleaning up after you.” Okay, perhaps still a slight smirk on her face, a glint of amusement finally creeping into her eyes. Of course, he’d rather hit the nail on the head with that comment but she didn’t need to validate it even if it was true.

Bucky is ready to square up with her, feels the way is chest puffs as he is still adrenaline and misguided rage - he's ready to meet her fire with cold cut steel - but her accusation of him making decisions for her sucks the air right out of his lungs. He bodily staggers as his stance softens with a significant lean to the left as an ache travels from the tips of his fingers to his shoulder. He rolls it in the socket, and then his neck, not entirely sure he hadn't been hit with something amidst the fight.

He miscalculated. He wasn't lying when he said it was personal, that when he saw what was happening he, for lack of better terms, saw red and lost himself in it. But that didn't mean there wasn't some part of him that was consciously aware of what it could mean if Wanda lost control. While the marks he left could be disguised, or authorities misdirected to believe this to be petty crime - hers could not - and the government was ready to throw her in a cage for simply existing as she was.

"I should have held back." He concedes, but he's not going to apologize, and he's not sure she truly hears him anyways. He can feel the shift in the air with her anger, as it builds. Feels it like a static collecting at the base of his neck, making the soft hairs stand. Is it anger? Or something else? There is so much she is trying to say, without actually saying it.

"Wanda." Bucky says her name like a warning and steps closer. He presses the palms of his hands to either side of her neck and cups the back of her head. He forces her eyes to his, or maybe it's the other way around. She had no problem challenging him, looking to him, at him. This forced him to look at her. For her to see that he does see her. "I'm not angry at you, I am angry at them. I have seen what they can do to a person, and I've seen the pleasure they take in it. And this - " He looks down, dropping one hand to point at a long rod, almost like a cattle prod, and kicks at it so it rolls back towards him. He gets leverage enough to get it in the air where he can grab it. There's a button on the side that when pressed, causes an electric current to run down the prongs. " - Is tech specifically designed to cut off access to your power."

"Perfectly conscious. Perfectly aware. But unable to access something to you that should flow as easily as breathing...I intervened because I didn't want you to experience that. I suspect for the same reason you're so scared I'm going to be a mess you need to clean up."