#for reference this is a transitioning surgery

[soraismycat]

he’s got that tboy swagger to him… love to see it

[carriecarriecatgirl]

mercenary!carrie au, or, how bruce wayne manages 2 adopt a grown ass woman over the course of several months

[alarajrogers]

Yeah, um, someone just forgot entirely that pregnancy exists?

I can imagine that there are some forms of reproductive injustice that trans women face -- maybe being denied the right to adopt, treated as if they are weird cis male perverts who should be denied the right to be around children (including their own biokids), being forced to accept sterilization before being allowed to transition -- but most of those apply to trans men as well, and trans men also have to deal with everything relating to having a uterus and ovaries. Pregnancy, menstruation-related issues that doctors won't recognize or treat, abortion... basically everything cis women have to deal with relating to female reproduction, with added malgendering (you can't get insurance to cover your surgery for ovarian cancer because you're a man) and misgendering (being constantly treated like, and referred to as, some kind of weird mentally ill woman instead of a man every time you interact with obstetrics/gynecology).

How far up your own ass does your head have to be to forget pregnancy and related conditions exist and affect transmascs?

“There is no form of oppression that trans men face that trans women do not.”

Sorry are we just forgetting that in many parts of the world someone can assault, forcefully impregnate and make them carry the pregnancy to term as a form of detransition? That’s backed by law? The fuck is wrong with you.

[makingqueerhistory]

can I just say. I grew up in Trinidad. I miss the trans women :( it's changed. I wish they'd remember.

For those just looking in, this is a reference to a book I just read called Going to Trinidad, which is nonfiction with the summary:

"For more than four decades, between 1969 and 2010, the remote former mining town of Trinidad, Colorado was the unlikely crossroads for approximately six thousand medical pilgrims who came looking for relief from the pain of gender dysphoria. The surgical skill and nonjudgmental compassion of surgeons Stanley Biber and his transgender protege Marci Bowers not only made the phrase “Going to Trinidad” a euphemism for gender confirmation surgery in the worldwide transgender community, but also turned the small outpost near the New Mexico border into what The New York Times once called “the sex-change capital of the world.”"

The book explores the realities of this, as well as some of the patients who had varying experiences with earlier iterations of gender confirmation surgery and the medical system around that. One of the things it talks about is the erasure of this history, and I can definitely understand how that would feel for someone who actually lived through the transition. One of the reasons queer history is so vital to share is because of things like this, if the town had its way, it might have disappeared from the collective memory.

[magnetothemagnificent]

I find it interesting how people don't seem to know about or expect trans men to get bottom surgery or other masculinizing surgery and treat top surgery as *the* surgery. Like, I saw my anthropology mentor today and I hadn't seen her since before I had surgery, and she said something along the lines of like "it must be such a relief to get *the* big surgery over with", as if top surgery would be the only major surgery I could feasibly get over the course of my transition. And you see this a lot with people equating trans men with having a vulva, using terms like "boypussy" (a personal ick) when referring to sexual experiences involving trans men, as if trans men couldn't possibly have other genitalia. And of course facial masculinization surgery is also a thing many trans men opt for, but it is never talked about as even a potential resource for trans men, despite it being a valid option.

Personally, I think top surgery is it for me. I would love to be able to get bottom surgery, but unfortunately I have genitourinary disorders and I don't think it's a good idea to mess with anything down there. But if I didn't have those disorders, bottom surgery would not be off the table. And getting a hysterectomy or something similar certainly is *not* off the table, I would like to get some sort of sterilization procedure at some point.

I don't know if this is part of people thinking trans men somehow have an easier time "passing" than other trans people without significant intervention (we don't) or people being uncomfortable with the idea of trans men "ruining" our femalehood, or maybe it's a combination of both ideas and others, but it's just such a frustrating phenomena.

[hiiragi7]

I think that another one of my issues with AGAB language is that it doesn't quite capture the ongoing nature of gender assignment.

My gender assignment flip-flopped a lot growing up. At birth, the doctor decided one thing and my parents decided another. As I grew up, there were a lot of different opinions around what gender I should be and a lot of force used to conform to these ideas. I was assigned and reassigned multiple times.

Only referring to my at-birth gender assignments, for me, misses the bigger picture; I was assigned over and over and over again throughout my entire childhood, and attempts are still made to assign me a gender today. While gender assignment at birth is an event, gender assignment as a whole is a process, many events over a lifetime.

I think that, for others, it's assumed that there's not really a need to point this out or distinguish AGAB from other forms of gender assignment, because their assigned gender at birth was consistent with further gender assignments and expectations pre-transition (ie, most people who were AMAB were "raised as boys" and most people who were AFAB were "raised as girls") and post-transition assignments (including social gender assignments, ie "passing"/"not passing") are generally regarded as good if they align with the person's identified gender (ie, it's not called gender assignment in the same way that AGAB is because the right gender is being assigned this time). Our surgeries are called gender reassignments and yet it feels like we never really want to talk about any gender assignments besides AGAB.

When I say that I am trans, I am not simply disagreeing with a singular event of gender assignment at birth; I am disagreeing with a lifetime of gender assignments that have been forced onto me. So why is it that we place such an unfair level of importance onto AGAB specifically, when this is just one of many gender assignments we experience?

[communistkenobi]

By worrying endlessly about what makes men fight for their servitude as if it were their salvation, Western Marxism rigs the deck against ever becoming hegemonic. […] The celebration of transgression, so characteristic of queer theory, is incompatible with the struggle for legal sovereignty waged by movements of national liberation and people’s democratic dictatorships. […] Trans studies, infused with an ambivalence between gender-deviance and the desire to pass, cannot take up queer theory’s exaltation of transgression uncritically. Eastern Marxism simply does not valorize transgression as such, since its goal is hegemony, to function as a legitimate ruling party representative of the general interest, and the collective transgression of one norm in particular: imperialism.

— Nia Frome (2024), The Problem of Recognition in Transitional States, or Sympathy for the Monster

The author makes the case why 1) various strains of Eastern Marxism (MLism particularly) seem so compelling to transgender people specifically 2) how this is reflected within the tension between queer theory (what Frome describes as having a general preoccupation with the ‘exaltation of transgression’) and trans studies (what Frome describes as being more preoccupied with political goals of hegemony, eg gender-affirming healthcare, control of administrative gender data about ourselves, etc) is directly comparable to the West/East Marxist split, with the author firmly placing queer theory within Western Marxism’s anticommunist preoccupations and theories of state.

I think this is most compellingly argued when she points to the homonationalist (homo-imperialist?) commitments of western LGBT organisations, NGOs, thinktanks, etc. to ‘spreading democracy gay tolerance’ to the backwards Global South. One only need to refer to the photo of an IOF soldier standing in a bombed street in Gaza holding up a gay pride flag to recognise the academy’s role in ‘queering’ imperial pursuits. Now obviously this doesn’t mean trans studies is exempt from this (far from it), but what I think this essay does well is demonstrate why trans studies has been famously called “queer theory’s evil twin” and why more broadly the political goals of transgender people are on some level incommensurable with queer theory’s (and downstream of this, the western queer community’s) commitment to transgression as the primary mode of resistance and action.

And, ironically, why despite this desire for eternal transgression, the headline political goal of western gays for the past few decades has been marriage equality, a desire to be folded into pre-existing hegemony (perhaps another example of its Western Marxist tendencies?), in contrast to the transsexual goal of gender liberation and eventual abolition via the pursuit of using medicine and administrative state power to make ourselves our own frankenstein monsters, both scientist and creation (a goal that also necessarily requires a transitionary state, a “monster” state that is neither full capitalism (cissexualism) nor full communism (transsexualism), but an apparatus that gets us from A -> B. This description is blatantly one of both socialism and gender transition itself, and in this comparison it is revealed why the transsexual may desire Marxism-Leninism). This also reveals why transmedicalism - the desire to uphold cissexual, psychiatric, pathological conceptions of transgenderism as a mental illness and/or sexual perversion - is a dead-end, a forfeiting of even more power to those who already have it, and fundamentally different from the goal of free HRT, surgery, name changes and gender marker changes for everyone forever amen

[jackabbotsfakeleg]

As Above, So Below I Chapter 4- Souvenir

Synopsis: You start the nightshift with Jack Abbot, and make good on that arrangement of yours, but not before learning just how much comfort you both find in darkness Pairing: Michael "Robby" Robinavitch x Fem!Reader and Jack Abbot x Fem!Reader   Word count: 4k Warnings: Discussion of mental illness, suicide attempt, self-harm, mania, trauma, the existential dread of being alive, our favorite sad boys, dark humor, and some trauma. Some explicit references. 18+, MDNI  A/N: This is the sad boy Jack Abbot intro and next chapter will be the explicit Jack Abbot smutfest. Work has been mentally exhausting this week, but if you want to get sad deep in your bones, read this while listening to “Souvenir” by Boygenius, and “Go Home” by Julien Baker. Thank you for reading, I appreciate every single one of you.  Chapter 3 I Chapter 5

Chapter 4: Souvenir

Pulling thorns out of my palm Work a midnight surgery When you cut a hole into my skull Do you hate what you see like I do?

"You should stay."  Robby extends the offer, words attached to an arm around your waist  lips to your collarbone, and the promise to make you breakfast.  Pancakes and coffee

“Next time.” You called an Uber, Pressed a kiss quickly to the corner of his mouth as he lingered in the doorway, and promised to text him that you got home safe. The decision to leave was fully rooted in fear. Not the fear that you’d want more, or that he’d change his mind. But the fear that if he looked at you long enough You’d tell him everything that makes it hard for you to be back here.

Didn’t get murdered by my uber driver. 

Good. Wish you would have stayed.

Gotta ice my back.

Don’t even start.

Don’t miss me too much.

Too late. 

The transition to the nightshift a few days later confirmed what you had known all along: This must be the place. A dark sense of humor; a group of misfits who prefer the moon over the sun; and a fast-paced, nothing-is-off-limits vibe.

You could have guessed, judging by the fact that John Shen was particularly fond of it. And you had been close friends for years. He had been shaped by 3am study sessions that ended in white castle burgers for breakfast, never met an emo night at Brillobox he didn't get dressed up for, and constantly argued about Kid A being a better Radiohead record than OK Computer. He was the poster-child for millennial purgatory - forced to exist in between Gen X and Gen Z, shoulder all the blame, and somehow look nonplussed while doing it. He had been in medical school at the same time you were doing your graduate program, lived in an apartment blocks from you, and had made it a point to be the guinea pig for any psychological assessment you needed to practice. He would volunteer in hopes that he could finally convince his conservative parents that he wasn't mentally ill for listening to My Chemical Romance, and he hoped that the assessments could "provide him papers" to explain his completely unbothered millennial personality. Neither of those two things happened, but he did make for a good wingman who could stitch up the gash in your knee after drunkenly parkouring over a fire hydrant in the Strip District. You kept in touch over the years, through trauma dumping and memes. He truly was one of the perks of returning--an actual no-bullshit platonic friend. 

On the day you started nights, he waited for you outside of the hospital with another mystery Dunkin’, he of all people appreciating the establishment for what it was – an absolute dumpster fire.

"My wife!" He calls out to you, in a perfect Borat voice, arms outstretched, "You ready for nights?" "I'm so glad to see you, even if I still cannot imagine you as an attending." you graciously take the Dunkin from his hand, your finger flipping the badge on his chest, "most of my mismatched scars are from your shitty stitch-jobs"  "First of all, how dare you" He laughs, swatting your hand away "you told me I did a great job. And second, I was drunk, and a medical student." “I really have missed you.” You smile, “And I really am looking forward to the change in scenery.” “The day shift is all suits and stiffs, and we’re absolutely unhinged.” "My kind of crowd. Any hot goss I should know?" You poke an elbow into his side, "Parker Ellis is our ride or die, and I’m still trying to assert dominance with Abbot, so if you see me giving him the cold shoulder, it's because I just want him to love and respect me."

Ellis was already at the nurses’ station when you both arrive, waiting on the day shift hand-off. You set your things down in your office before making your way back to the desk. “A welcome speech for our newest member?” Shen tips his drink towards Ellis. "Always remember the third rule of fight club," Ellis smiles, "just try your best and have fun." "I thought the third rule was that if it was your turn to bring snacks, bring enough for everyone" You correct her, “just happy to be here.” "I wouldn't jinx yourself" she adds, shaking her head, "the behavioral health beds are the star of the show on nights." "Honestly, I never met a five point bed restraint I didn't love" You shrug, "makes me nostalgic for prison." "Where's Abbot?" Shen asks "Haven’t seen him, but you know him, he'll probably just apparate out of a cauldron of bats." Ellis shrugs, rolling her eyes, "Still waiting on the hand off from Robby, but he's been swamped all day."

"Hey, one of you psych?" the charge nurse turns towards the three of you, phone to her ear, "Sounds like there's a patient on the roof.”

"Seriously?" your eyes wide, "how the fuck did a patient get on the roof?" You make your way towards the elevator. “Night shift starting off strong” Shen calls out after you ,”My money’s on Myrna” “Don’t worry she won’t jump” Ellis adds, like it’s comforting, “she just likes the wind in her hair.”

The elevator only goes so far before you’re forced to take the stairs. Three flights; 6 steps a piece. By the time you get to the door to the roof, you’re out of breath, a bolt of lightning shooting down your leg with each step.

You had seen someone jump one time.  The descent of a body from a bridge. You hadn’t gotten there in time,  hadn’t said the right thing,  hadn’t reached out quick enough to stop them. You'll never forget it.  and you still haven't found a way to squash the swell of emotions when you're reminded of it, Even now, tears burn your eyes as you shoulder the door to the roof open.

You expect to see something reminiscent of that traumatic memory a chance to make it right;  A do over;  a success story. And instead, you’re met with silence, the cool air against your cheeks, and Jack Abbot, standing too close to the edge.

“Oh, for fucks’ sake, this your idea of a joke?” You’re out of breath and annoyed. “Took you long enough” He doesn’t bother turning around to look at you, “although your bedside manner could use some work.”  “This isn’t funny,” he hears it in your voice, and you quickly wipe your eyes on the back of your hand. 

When he turns to face you, his expression has changed from amusement of landing a solid joke on your first night, to concern.

“Fuck, are you crying?” 

“You jumping or what?" you ask moving closer to him, so that you’re shoulder to shoulder, "no time like the present."

"Well, it's not funny anymore if you're going to cry."

"I'm not crying" 

"riiiigghhhtt" it's drawn out in disbelief

"I just have 'losing a patient to jumping off a roof' in my eye." you hit him in the shoulder, "thought maybe I’d get a do-over."

"ahh" he nods, "well fuck, I really fumbled that one. thought maybe I could get a laugh out of you, maybe a sarcastic plea not to do it, you know, some theatrics."

"Sorry I ruined your fun." 

"Sorry I made you cry."

"You didn't make me cry," You correct him, "and if you tell anyone that you did, I will absolutely make you cry in front of everyone downstairs."

"Promise?" he smirks, "I could use some public humiliation to keep me humble."

"Of course you could, Doctor Abbot," you shake your head, rolling your eyes, "With your prolonged eye contact and minimal startle response, I bet you haven’t been humbled in a while."

"And? That a problem?” "I find it endearing" you nod, turning on your heel to walk back towards the door, "I will see you downstairs after you're done brooding up here"

"Hey Wheeler?" He calls back to you, “You still good on our arrangement? It is nights after all"

"Come to my office and find out?" 

"We said not at work" he turns around to face you, eyes dark, voice low.

"You said not to let anyone at work find out," you correct him, smile on your face, opening the door, “I can be quiet.”

“With that mouth? Yeah, right.” he shakes his head

You close the door behind you and head back downstairs towards the elevator.

“I was just looking for you,” The elevator opens and Robby’s standing inside, “Jack up there?”

“Yes, just convinced him not to jump” You attempt to make a joke, wincing when you step inside.

“You okay?” He holds the door open.

“Yeah,” you lean your head back against the wall of the elevator, “rushed up here because a nurse said a patient was up here. I just need a minute.”

“You want me to take a look at it?” He steps back inside the elevator when you shake your head ‘no,’ the door closing behind him, and reaches out to tuck a piece of hair behind your ear, “at least let me take a look at you.”

“You know the rules” You remind him, his face inches from yours.

“Fine,” he huffs, taking a step back from you, “I’ll be good.”

The elevator doors open again to reveal Abbot, standing with his arms folded across his chest.

“Really, Robinavitch?” He steps inside the elevator, in between the two of you, “not cool man.”

“I just happened to be in the elevator” Robby replies, hands up in front of him like he’s innocent, “she’s all yours.”

“I just love being objectified at 7pm in the evening, “you speak up, smirking

“I bet you fucking do” Abbot shakes his head, turning to Robby, “Was she this mouthy on day shift?”

“Worse” Robby adds, shrugging, “offered to blow me in her office”

“’Atta girl” Abbot looks to you and you roll your eyes, “I’ll be by for mine around 2am.” 

The elevator doors open before you’re able to get a word in, the two of them exiting to find the rest of the night shift for hand off.  You contemplate going after them, but instead, you watch the shift change play out, taking in the inside jokes between attendings and residents, trying to get a read on what you’ve gotten yourself into.

Ellis wasn’t lying when she said the behavioral health beds were the star of the show on nights.

The first consult came in less than an hour after your shift started

A 17-year-old boy, with a 7-inch laceration from wrist to elbow, reopened from over a week ago, deep enough to need stitches but not deep enough to accomplish his goal. He never stopped crying, not after the pain medications kicked in, not after his parents told him they loved him, not after his medications were adjusted, and not after you sat with him for over an hour reminding him that progress was not linear, and that engagement in self-harm is not a badge of weakness or failure.

The second consult came in fifteen minutes after that – a man initially thought to be unhoused, running naked through Schenley Park.

“Surprisingly not methamphetamines,” Abbot had noted, as you waited in the doorway, watching security staff strap him down into five-point restraints. He fought the entire way, the brute strength of mania alive and well, and you only got spit on once. Once he was down and treated to a cocktail of Haldol and Ativan, he informed you that he was Jesus Christ reincarnated and earned himself a ticket upstairs to the inpatient hospitalization, albeit not as far upstairs as he was hoping.

By the time the third, fourth, and fifth consults rolled around, you were on a first name basis with the security staff and night nurses. It was fast-paced but not unmanageable, nostalgic of the crisis contacts you were used to in prison, but with more reasonable and less manipulative patients. Here, the patients weren’t calling you nine kinds of bitch as you watch them insert a pen into their urethra just to get a trip to the hospital and some opiates. For the first time, since you left, it felt like you were actually addressing mental health concerns rather than attempting to manage behavior for secondary gain.

“You’re clearing psych beds faster than I can fill them,” Abbot barely looks up from the note he’s charting

“Just trying to up that patient satisfaction score,” You reply, “Not sure if any of them are lucid enough to fill out the survey but it’s the thought that counts.”

“Might just save my ass from another impromptu lecture from Gloria.” Abbot replies, a smile spreading across his face

“Is that a thank you?” You ask, raising an eyebrow, “wouldn’t hurt to hear you say it.”

“Thank you Doctor Wheeler” it’s drawn out and a little bit patronizing, but you’ll take the compliment.

You spend the next several hours rounding on the patients on the behavioral health unit, introducing yourself to the nursing staff and psychiatry resident covering nights—the medications to your therapy, and taking stock of the mental health resources on the unit. Everything is outdated, testing instruments, books—you name it, it’s likely from the 1980’s. And all of it was yours to manage, including the grant applications for research projects and the applications for additional budgeting for the fiscal year that had been piling up on your desk. 

It’s nearly 5am when you’re interrupted by Jack entering your office without knocking. He sets down a sandwich on your desk before taking a seat on your couch. You look up from the note you’re working on and watch him. He looks tired, more disheveled than he did on the roof, but still manages to crack a smile the longer you look at him.

“Now who’s got the prolonged eye contact” He chuckles, nodding to the sandwich on your desk, “Have you eaten?”

“I was able to eat one solitary granola bar, while the guy in four was getting strapped down.” You nod, “what did you bring me?”

“A grilled cheese” He replies, a smug look on his face, clearly pleased with himself, “Had to fight a nurse for that, by the way. Figured we could share it.”

“I’m honored,” you split the sandwich, handing him the other half, “Rough night out there?”

“Fuck yeah” he nods, looking down at his hands, “feels like we were drowning there for a minute. And now I’m taking a 20-minute break while the dust settles.”

“A well-deserved twenty minutes” You agree, standing up to shut the blinds of your office, trying to block some of the fluorescent light out of your office, switching on your desk lamp, “better?”

“Perfect” He nods, a smirk appearing, “Now, about that conversation in the elevator.”

“Sorry, all the blow job appointments are 30 minutes” You shrug, leaning against the door, “just missed the window.”

“Bummer” he shakes his head, standing up, “Although, you were the one who said come to your office and find out”

“I did say that” you acknowledge, watching him close the space between you, eyes locked on yours the whole way, “Although you questioned my ability to be quiet”

“You don’t strike me as the quiet type.” his face inches from yours, his hands on either side of your head on the door.

Got him right where you want him, eyes on you, waiting for your next move.

Time to humble the man in front of you.

“Ohhh Jack” you moan, just loud enough that anyone walking by can probably hear you, “Just like that” He clamps his hand over your mouth, pushing your head against the door, a soft thud, his eyes wide.

“Jesus Christ” he whispers through gritted teeth, “are you fucking insane?”

You shake your head against his hand, raising an eyebrow when he doesn’t immediately uncover your mouth.

“You gonna be good if I let go?” He asks, only uncovering your mouth after you nod. 

“That’s what you get” You poke your finger against his chest, “For making me run to the roof.”

The alarm on his watch beeps and he sighs in frustration –his 20 minutes are up 

“Don’t ruin this” He shakes his head, the tiniest hint of a smile on his lips, “You want to get breakfast after work and then you can come to my place and be as loud as you want?”

“Perfect.” You duck under his arm, and open the door, “Pamela’s?”

“Fine, but the original location, not the shitty Oakland location.” He nods, exiting your office and back into the arms of the night shift. 

You make it through the last two hours and it feels like you’ve been hit by a truck. The change in sleep-wake cycles has not been kind and while you’re not necessarily physically tired, your brain feels like oatmeal. The handoff of information to the psychology and psychiatry residents is the last thing on your to-do list, and after you rattle off the last of the orders and updates, you make your way outside, away from the noise. Shen and Ellis are the first to head out, both offering a high-five to you for surviving your first night shift. Jack is the last out, keys in his hand as he spots you.

“You ready?” He asks, “I’ll drive.”

You accept his offer and follow him to his car.

Pamela’s Diner is a Pittsburgh tradition��an absolute legend. Sure, they’ve got the same shit as every other restaurant, but if you’re trying to do it right, there is only one right order: Stuffed strawberry hotcakes and lyonnaise potatoes. It’s cash only, the grill looks like it probably has never been cleaned, and it slaps every. fucking. Time.

Abbot is more than happy to oblige your millennial personality trait of ordering ahead, and your food is ready by the time you two leave work and cross the 16th Street Bridge into the Strip District. You wouldn’t have pegged him --the attending with an affinity for isolation and darkness, as someone who would live here, one of the busiest neighborhoods in the city.

His apartment is similar to Robby’s--an open concept with natural light. There's one huge window in the living room overlooking the river, revealing a perfect view and the ability to maintain privacy. The decorations are minimal, aside from a few well-placed, and somewhat hidden military photos. 

Something you had learned while working with veterans at the VA during practicum was that the celebratory photos and keepsakes rarely, if ever, existed without reminders of the trauma and destruction they had witnessed, and at times, had been a part of. 

Sometimes it felt like they kept them as proof that it wasn’t all for nothing—the beacon of light in the swell of darkness. 

His apartment felt relatively empty, enough furniture to give off the appearance someone lived here, but not enough to feel warm. This was a place to sleep, not a place to live.

You set the food down on the island in the kitchen, already tugging at the plastic knot at the top of the bag. 

“I haven’t had this since I’ve been back” You’re the first to speak since entering the apartment.

“Yeah?” He asks, watching you open the containers, “You one of those people who think Pamela’s Is the be-all end-all of breakfast?”

"We cannot go any further if you are a Deluca’s stan." You narrow your eyes at him, handing him the Styrofoam container, which he accepts graciously "don't malign the lyonnaise potatoes in my presence."

“Wasn't expecting you to be this defensive about breakfast,” He laughs, retreating to the couch, “It’s incredibly arousing.”

"Mostly the hunger talking, but this sleep-wake cycle reset is no joke" You add, joining him “Wasn’t expecting to crash so hard.”

He lets you eat in silence. It's not uncomfortable or awkward, especially after talking to patients all night, but here you are, alone with Jack Abbot in his living room, full of pancakes, and fading quickly.

“Come on,” He stands up and nods towards the hallway, “You need a nap, in an actual bed.”

“I’m fine” You shake your head, “I promise. I did not come here to nap”

“you’re exhausted, and I could also use a nap.” He insists, disappearing down the hallway towards his bedroom

"This where the nightmares happen?" By the time you reach the doorway, he's already laying down, hands behind his head, eyes closed.  He pats the spot next to him and you oblige. 

"You think I'm dark and broody" He comments, a smile on his face, "what other assumptions have you made about me?"

"Not an assumption" you correct him, "that was an observation."

"Oh, come on, humor me. I did just buy you breakfast" he replies, "and even though I’m the one with the prolonged eye contact, you've been trying to get a read on me this entire time”

"Fair," you agree, "I just think you and I are very similar."

"Go on." He states, waiting for you to continue

"Not if you want to keep this thing all surface level bullshit and fun."  you give him the opportunity for an out. 

"Come on, kid." 

"Trauma recognizes trauma" You add, “Why’d you get into emergency medicine?”

“Thought I’d be ready for a change after the years of trauma in the military,” he chuckles, “and instead I found comfort in running right back into the flames. It's a good distraction. It keeps my mind on the medicine and off some of the other stuff."

"Sure, surface level it seems like a commonsense decision to take your combat medic skills and apply them to a hospital," You agree, "but why the ER?"

"I like the fast pace, the comradery, and the distraction" He replies

"You're skirting around the big, bad, terrible thing" you counter, "It's deeper than that."

"I don't know." He’s quiet.

"You do know," you shake your head, "I'm guessing the thing that haunts you is the same thing that haunts me."

"You tell me then, if you've figured it out." 

"You need to take all of that pain and suffering and make it useful." You hear him exhale when you say it, like he's been holding his breath the entire time, "I'm sure over time you habituate to a lot of it, to death, to losing patients. But that pain sticks around, and the deep fucking sadness? that sticks around too. So, you turn it around into something useful"

"A second chance at saving everyone I couldn't" He rubs a hand over his face, "what do you know about pain?" 

"It didn't start when I was stabbed, it started long before that. And I still feel it. The pain, the sadness that's deep in my bones, the fear that nothing will ever change and the blind faith that it fucking has to. It's the pain and suffering of humanity. Of seeing the world for what it is and not being able to turn a blind eye to it. And it's the best fucking thing about me. And it's probably the best fucking thing about you too.”

“Like moths to a flame” he states, “you and I.”

Neither of you say anything else. Instead, he reaches for you,  Pulls you into his side, Your head on his chest. 

Sometimes you just need a person to be quiet with and sad next to

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Divider by @saradika-graphics

Last line is credited to Meg Fee, which has haunted me since the day that I read it on her blog

[tricky-pockets]

We all know the "if there was a magic button" exercise for questioning your gender, but I kinda wonder if it'd be helpful to turn the question inside out.

like "There's a magic button that gives you $50 but also permanently bars you from any kind of transition. If you push it, you will never be referred to with new pronouns or a new name, you can never take hormones or have surgery, and you can't do voice training. You will always and irrevocably be seen as the gender you were assigned."

if any of those conditions gave you a little twinge of sadness to think about, maybe keep asking questions. i love you 💖

[dhddmods]

You are not immune to being intersexist. Being anti-mutilation & anti-hormone abuse isn't enough.

We are so sick of radfems/TERFS/SWERFs and perisex queer people claiming to be intersex allies, while perpetuating intersexist ideals. We have had to correct some of these behaviors within ourselves over the years (ie; making intersexist jokes, using the H-slur while being unaware it was a slur, etc), because its so ingrained in society.

You are not immune to spreading intersexism. If you are still doing those things, learn now to stop and do better.

-

Gatekeeping intersex variations & traits is intersexist.*

Calling intersex variations & traits conditions, disorders of sexual development/DSDs, urogenital deformities/disorders, hormone disorders, or chromosomal disorders is intersexist.**

Claiming intersex people can be sorted into a binary system ("female intersex" & "male intersex") is intersexist.***

Using f-ta (*u) or b--ddel (*ae) is intersexist and a slur.

Using h-rmaphrodite/h-rm (*e) - yes, even on animals - is intersexist and a slur. Use cosexed or intersex instead.****

Labelling altersex or cosexed characters as "intersex" is intersexist. Treating intersex variations as synonymous with cosexed is intersexist.

Identifying as "transintersex" is intersexist. Intersex & perisex are not a choice. Use one of the countless other terms to describe transitioning to mixed or null sex traits instead.

Lying about being intersex to get access to sex affirming care is intersexist, and isn't any "safer" than outing yourself as trans or altersex.

Claiming that intersex people can't be trans, or gatekeeping how they identify, is intersexist.

Mocking menstruation & pregnancy in people who aren't female-perceived (ie; mocking mpreg) is intersexist.

Calling intersex traits "too complicated" to bring up in basic biology class and sex education is intersexist. It only takes an extra 30 minutes to teach the basics of it.

Using small dick, no balls/small balls, or low T as insults is intersexist. Mocking people for having the "wrong" secondary sex traits (breasts, hips, muscle mass, body/facial hair, voice pitch, etc) is intersexist.*****

Calling HRT feminizing and masculinizing is intersexist. Using AFAB/AMAB interchangeably with mulleripathian/wolffipathian is intersexist.

-

*Intersex describes a wide spectrum. This includes penile traits, urethral traits, ambiguous genitals, the agenital spectrum, reproductive traits, hormonal traits, and chromosomal variations. It is not just "mixed parts." You can read about them in our guide.

**Yes, intersex people often have comorbid disorders, but that does not make their intersexuality a disorder. Yes, sometimes (keyword SOMETIMES) urethral traits need surgery in order to urinate, but that doesn't make it a deformity, it just means that evolution isn't a conscious being.

***Yes, some intersex people have mostly mulleripathian traits or mostly wolffipathian traits - but that doesn't change the fact that they are intersex. Also, some intersex people are extremely ambiguous. Are you going to tell a person with XX-XY chimerism, ovotestes, a uterus, and a penis that they can be categorized into a binary sex system?

****Use cosexed when referring to animals who primarily have mixed sex traits (ie; slugs, snails, certain bugs, etc.) Use intersex when referring to animals who have a mulleripathian & wolffipathian variant, but fall outside of that (ie; a gynandromorph beetle or bird, a hyena born without a penis or pseudophallus, a calico cat with XXY chromosomes, etc.)

*****All of those are intersex traits. In fact, all of those things are genderqueer/varsex (trans, GNC, altersex, etc) traits too. Joking about people's bodies in general is just bigoted and disrespectful, why are you using body shaming as a punchline anyways?

[wanderingcritter]

Jumping on the species transition plans trend lol, here are some ways I plan to physically and socially transition !

Physical:

• Fang Implants

- I will get these if it kills me.

• Digitigrade Leg Prosthetics

- Stupid expensive but omfg these would bring me sm euphoria, even if I could only wear them every now and then. Paws crossed they'll become cheaper and more accessible in the near future.

• Realistic Tail with Silicone Core

- Also generally pricey but significantly more accessible. I love wearing taxidermy tails but am always frustrated by how disproportionate they are to the size of my body and how they just limply hang there, having smth that looks more natural and moves with my body would be huge.

• Tattoos

- Unsure of what exactly I'd want, maybe paw/hopf prints on the backs of my hands?

• Colored Contacts

- Would need to find some that are comfortable, durable, and don't impact my vision too much (im blind enough as is), but Im very ready to go "It's the fluorescents 😒" mode.

• Reflective Contacts

- I have absolutely no idea if these are real things or not but I would actually kill a man to have contacts that reflect back when someone shines a light on them in the dark.

• Piercings

- Idk lots of piercings just give me werewolf vibes ig lol, currently planning to get a second industrial, 1-2 eyebrow piercings, and snakebites.

• Muscles

- Having more visible muscles/being strong is very animalistic to me, after all most animals in the wild have to be physically fit to survive.

• Realistic Ear Headband

- Goes along the tail, would love to wear these frequently and casually out in public. Kemonomimi gaining popularity has opened up so many possibilities to me it's epic.

• Top Surgery

- Species identity and gender identity are deeply linked for me, most things that are gender affirming are also species affirming and vice versa. Having a flat chest would feel hella animal-like.

Social:

• Come Out to Friends and Family

- This is definitely the biggest one. Unfortunately greater society isn't really ready for species transition, but some individuals definitely are. Basically just let those I trust know who I am, and that it would be wonderful if they could refer to me as nonhuman when they can :]

• Unmask Animalistic Behaviors in Public

- Be less afraid to be a little more nonhuman around others like it's the most normal thing in the world. Using my hand to bat at my ear when it itches, yip and whimper to accentuate words, practice quadrobics, etc.

• Advocacy

- Talk to people irl about nonhuman identities, be visible at events, create informative resources, even if it's scary. Most people have no idea that we exist, showing them that we're out there and here to stay paves the way for successful transition on a larger scale.

Hopefully more options will become possible soon, those of us looking to pursue species transition are kinda limited by the technology of our time, which sucks balls. Especially for someone like me who doesn't like body/facial hair or extreme body mods, I dont have too many realistic options for the time being. Oh well, just means I'll have to get creative i guess.

[kieransdoghouse]

huge shoutout to boys who have been referred to with she/her for so long that it doesn’t bother them anymore

huge shoutout to boys who have fully embraced femininity for whatever reason, be it they have to in order to survive the misgendering or because they think masc presentation doesn’t look right on them

huge shoutout to boys who stop and stare and think for a moment when the document/application asks for their name and gender. huge shoutout to the ones who fill it out with their deadname and assigned gender.

huge shoutout to the boys who grow up to be men who die and are remembered as women.

huge shoutout to boys who never made it in life, who never had the friend group they wanted, the job they wanted, the wardrobe they wanted. who would have succeeded if they just had that injection sitting in a box under their bed.

huge shoutout to the boys who physically can’t transition, whose bodies can’t handle recovering from a surgery or who can’t wear regular clothes.

huge shoutout to boys who associate masculinity with abuse, hate, anger, who would rather die than be what that masculine figure was to them

huge shoutout to boys who don’t have the money to transition, who can’t afford a trip to a clinic or the shots that come afterward, who have to work every day for twelve hours at multiple gas stations to get by, with help.

huge shoutout to boys who don’t live in a safe place, who can’t afford to be known around town as Clarissa and morph into Henry. who had long hair all his life and then didn’t. who painted his nails until he didn’t. who wore lace and skinny jeans until he didn’t. who would be assaulted for it, and even be killed for it.

if youre any of these people it should be made clear that you are and always will be men. it doesn’t matter what your outside shows, or what youre told, or how youre forced to behave or look. your manhood is stored in the heart, it always has been, that’s how youre aware of it, and its always there, and it will always show, be it in the way you talk or the things you like or the job you have. and if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. your manhood is something you just are, and you always will be as much of a man that Max who started transitioning at 13 is. none of the rest matters. if you need a guy to spraypaint your name onto your gravestone, i have a guy. you will make it.

[maximumqueer]

Yamato, Transness, and "Passing"

Now that we're nearly a full arc removed from Wano and Yamato's introduction, I want to talk about the reaction that a subset of the one piece fandom had to his reveal as a trans man/transmasc person, the transphobia behind that reaction, and how the concept of passing plays into that reaction. I'm not going to be arguing that Yamato is a trans man, as I think it is very obvious that he is given how he is referred to in the canon text. This is instead going to be more of a fandom dissection of why (in my personal opinion) so many people refuse to acknowledge Yamato as a man.

When we are first introduced to Yamato, he is dressed in a way that gives him the appearance of a flat chest, and is wearing a mask to hide his face. He looks like a man in a cis-heteronormative way

When Yamato was depicted like this, he was (from what I can tell) mostly referred to with he/him pronouns by the fanbase. This is based on comments underneath his chapter debut and episode debut. There are comments under his episode debut that do use she/her pronouns and refer to him as a woman, but because these episodes have been out for a while, it would make sense that these kinds of comments would be left on his debut after his second design was revealed.

Then, when he removes his mask and outer layer of his outfit, he is depicted like this

After this reveal, more people began to refer to Yamato with she/her pronouns, and refer to him as Kaido's daughter, despite him referring to himself as Kaido's son, as well as the people around him using he/him pronouns exclusively for him. What changed? Well, Yamato went from having a design that looked traditionally masculine to having a more traditionally feminine one. As such people who associate only women with having breasts and more "feminine" features began to insist that Yamato was a tomboy, or a delusional woman, anything but accept that fact that he is a man.

There is a phenomena with trans "acceptance", where a character is accepted as trans only if they look like their gender according to the cis-heteronormative ideal, and questioned and denied if they don't. Kiku, a trans woman who "passes" as a woman did not receive nearly the same level of speculation and denial of her trans identity. (This is not to say that Kiku received no hate or transphobic comments, but that because she looks like a woman to the average cis-het viewer, she was treated as a "real" trans person, whereas Yamato was not).

Yamato has been repeatedly referred to as mentally ill for being a "non-passing" trans man. He has been called bad representation (despite large numbers trans men/transmasc people, myself included, saying that his IS good representation). People have made claims with no canon backing in an attempt to hand wave away his transness because he "looks like a woman", a popular one being that Kaido some how forced Yamato into being a man, despite his backstory telling us the exact opposite.

And the reasoning for all of this speculation is that trans people are held to such high standards in terms of appearance and presentation, even in fictional media. A trans man must have a flat chest, deep voice, facial hair etc. or he isn't actually trans. A trans woman must have breasts, a high voice, a lack of facial hair, etc. or she isn't actually trans. Non-binary people are dismissed entirely. This denies the many different and diverse ways that a person can be trans. Sure, some trans people wish to medically transition, get the "surgery" and go through life as if they were cis. But not all trans people want that. Gender is messy and complicated, its not nearly as black and white a we have been taught to believe. There are many trans people (both binary and non-binary) who will never medically transition. That does not make them less trans, it does not make them delusional. Yet because we have this black and white thinking ingrained in us from childhood, any deviation from the strict boxes of "man" and "woman" are immediately questioned, and that includes gender non-conforming people - both trans and cis.

This type of transphobia is not talked about enough, as the people doing it will so often hide behind the idea that they are protecting "real" trans people, and just want to make sure that they are respected and taken seriously. But, respect for a persons gender identity CANNOT be conditional. It does not matter if they "don't pass". It doesn't matter if they are a good person, a bad person. The second you start dictating who gets to have their gender respected is the second you stop being an ally. And that includes fictional characters like Yamato.

[thepulsatingflapper]

Peter Pettigrew is an anti-trans allegory.

Peter's character is made up of two allegories for transitioning: 1. changing sides in the First Wizarding War, and 2. living as a rat instead of a person

Changing sides in the war is a metaphor for transitioning because he fundamentally changed who he was from his original identity to the exact opposite, but kept his new identity a secret even from his friends specifically in order to fool and harm them. This is just like how JKR believes trans women try to fool and harm cis women with their identities.

Peter's initial betrayal/transition ended in the ultimate effect of giving a man (Voldemort) access to a cis woman's (Lily's) private room (sound familiar?) which was framed as the ultimate evil by JKR. Here, Voldemort plays the role of JKR's trans woman when he forces his way into a cis woman's private space (Lily's bedroom) specifically to harm a cis woman (Lily) and a child (Harry). This scene ends with the cis woman brutally murdering the trans woman, which the narrative frames as very positive and the readers are supposed to agree with.

Notice how Peter then eventually also betrayed Voldemort, which is an allegory for detransitioning. JKR believes trans people's "true selves" are their original selves/assigned gender, and that everyone is always going to detransition. Peter ended up on the same side he started because JKR believes trans women are always still men deep down.

Peter living as a "Rat" is a metaphor for living as a "woman" after he transitioned. Notice how the narrative frames it as if Peter was never "truly" a rat, just a person pretending to be a rat (like how JKR believes trans women are not truly women just men pretending to be women).

Peter was never given the opportunity to tell the reader whether he was a rat or a human, the text decides for us that his "real" identity is always human no matter how long he lives as a rat and passes as a rat. The choice of a rat to represent a trans person shows how JKR believes trans people to be animals/inhuman. And also a rat represents sneakiness and dishonesty so that's obvious.

When Peter talks about being a rat in the Shrieking Shack in PoA, he is met with disgust and revulsion from Ron. We're supposed to read this as Ron being rightfully disgusted and distrusting of a person he just found out was trans.

Peter lived as a rat for 13 years (a notoriously evil number), concealing his "true" identity (which was seen negatively by the text because JKR is saying that Trans people's "true" identities are evil) in order to sleep in Ron's bed. This is meant to be read as a child molester allegory because JKR believes all trans women are child molesters.

Other evidence

Peter was barely taller than 13 year old Harry because he's not being a man properly (not a "Real man") according to JKR's bigoted and cisheterosexist worldviews. What other reason does JKR have for specifying how short Peter was?

He was also shown to be balding at a very young age as another reference to not being "man enough" for JKR.

He was ugly.

Since wands are used as a phallic symbol in the series, we can further see Peter doesn't have a penis anymore because in GoF he uses Voldemort's wand rather than one of his own.

Peter cut off his own finger, which is an allegory for gender reassignment surgery/vaginoplasty. Peter not having a finger anymore is a metaphor for a trans woman not having a penis.

He later cuts off his own hand, just furthering and cementing the reference to bottom surgery.

Peter then gets a human-made bodypart in place of his "biological" hand, a silver hand made by Voldemort. This is just like how trans people will get human-made bodyparts installed after they get their other ones removed. Of course JKR makes it the evil villain (Voldemort) who plays the role of the evil doctor who provides gender-affirming care. JKR believes gender-affirming surgeries are evil. And notice how Peter was coerced by Voldemort into getting the surgery when he really didn't want to deep down, which is very telling.

As we know, Peter's silver hand (his vagina) eventually killed him. And he died by suicide, which feels in very bad taste given the symbolism JKR is working with here, but knowing her that was probably intentional.

Anything I missed?

[celtrist]

RADIOMOTH BAD END ROUTE

In these endings, it's more or less assumed Alastor has gotten out of his deal (if the route doesn't involve his owner)

TW: Gender Dysphoria, Forced feminization, Physical Abuse, Slight Non-con elements, Conditioning, Stockholm Syndrome

In this ending, Vaggie successfully catches Alastor and marries him, much like Charlie's bad end (and this one, like her, can have the option of Charlie also being married to them or not). Depending on whether you want to go the force transitioning route: Alastor either gives up once Vaggie successfully forces a transition surgery onto him or (if you don't want to go that route) he just gives up, too tired to fight Vaggie and her traps.

Transition or not, Vaggie dresses him as a woman, forces him to grow his hair out, and just generally takes on a more feminine appearance. She goes as far as to rename him "Alison" and only refers to him as female in public. In private, she will at times refer to him as a male, but in the past tense and in a degrading way. She makes it a point to make sure he doesn't have his antlers. Whenever they start growing back, Alastor panics and hurries to rip them off before Vaggie sees them. It's painful, but always less painful than when Vaggie does it, as she's very violent with her approach. She will sometimes hit him for having antlers or even for seeing signs that they've regrown.

Anytime Alastor remarks discomfort with himself, Vaggie gets frustrated and berates him about it. When she notices him turning to accidental self-harm to deal with his discomfort (hair pulling, claw scratches, etc.), she admonishes and at times hit him as well (like if he pulls his hair, she'll pull his hair, yelling at him "isn't this what you like?").

Vaggie hides this poor behavior from Charlie (whether or not she's still in a relationship with Charlie or not in this route) and forces Alastor to keep quiet about it as well. If he gives any indication otherwise, she will punish him in private.

While I'm not sure if Alastor would or would not have all his bells and whistles (I feel like it would make sense in this route if Vaggie would find a way to "depower" him to make him easier to handle, but not sure how she'd do that. Maybe have him drinking diluted holy water over time? Alastor, more or less, has just given up on this route. He doesn't feel like he can do much else and is unmotivated to attack back.

It's not uncommon in the private sensual moments for her to get violent and belittle Alastor, and how she's the only one who would love a woman like him. In the case of a transitioning route, Vaggie will taunt him about having used to be a man. And if Alastor gives an indication that he wishes he had never transitioned, she will taunt him more and abuse him further until he says he's happy to be a woman. These more violent times occur when Alastor begins to show distress, typically for either the sex or his forced gender, but not exclusive to those. She will lightly degrade him when she's not angry, too, but it's mixed with sweet words as well. Giving him a whiplash of treatment. Most sensual times Vaggie does genuinely try to be nice and try to find what Alastor likes (whether he likes it or not). It's when Vaggie is already angry or frustrated with Alastor that she gets more abusive in these moments.

Vaggie isn't really abusing Alastor 24/7 (well, other than enforcing an unwanted gender identity and relationship, I suppose). Anything nice she would do for Charlie, she'd do for Alastor. Surprising him with things that he doesn't expect (like sinner meat or masculine clothing) is one of her favorite ways to show affection to see the brief light in his eyes from the gift.

Vaggie is as protective of Alastor as she is of Charlie, and she is also as very loving of him as she is of her. Vaggie will shower Alastor with genuine compliments, even in private sometimes she just wants to shower Alastor with love rather than any sort of abuse. Whenever Alastor does something particularly good (like introducing himself as Alison the first couple of times and holding her hand out of his own volition), she'll praise him and reward him for it. Vaggie takes more into consideration of attire for Alastor rather than what she just wants to see. While she still puts Alastor in "less than Alastor-styled" outfits from time to time, those clothes are mainly for private or special occasions. For the most part, Vaggie gives (and allows) Alastor clothes more up his alley, even suits as long as he still looks feminine enough.

While Vaggie will get violent with Alastor for showing discomfort with his forced gender, she normally first tries to comfort and praise Alastor about his body and self. It's when Alastor begins getting more upset that she'll get more abusive. She will always follow up her actions with comfort for Alastor. This would, I can imagine, grow into a Stockholm syndrome situation, especially if Alastor wanted to deny the situation he's in.

EDIT: I just wanted to note that I have toned down elements to this ending! It's not revamped, but I just thought I'd mention it as the more perverse elements for this ending didn't really add too much and felt needed to be added. But I did want to acknowledge this ending was a tad darker than it is described here!

[hiiragi7]

Something which I've realized is that a lot of people's idea of what "cis" means is inherently also perisex - And if an intersex person is well and truly cis, then surely they must desire to inhabit a body which displays cis perisex norms, and are dysphoric over their intersex status and traits.

It seems that intersex people are consistently caught in a grey area; intersex people are expected, paradoxically, to transition into being cis via surgeries and/or HRT, an expectation which comes from an imagined body that would have been were not for intersexuality, a cis [perisex] body which is assumed to be natural and inherent. It is as though many intersex people are in a way expected to be both cis and trans, an experience that presents differently both from perisex cis people and from perisex trans people, and yet is often positioned as exclusively one or the other.

The concept of cis-as-perisex and cis-trans contextualizes for me the fixation on intersex people's genders when discussing intersex medical abuse and IGM, and why so many people refer to it as "gender affirming care". The argument goes, of course a cis man would want his breasts removed, don't they give him gender dysphoria? Isn't removing them gender-affirming care for cis people?

What I feel that people don't understand when they make this argument is that this phrasing seperates intersex surgeries from any societal context of intersexism to instead focus on an imagined cis [perisex] way of being that necessarily excludes euphoric intersexuality, and centers gender identity and individual dysphoria as the reason why an intersex person would have surgery rather than looking at the bigger picture of how we come to arrive at these surgeries and how they interact with intersexism.

Of course an intersex person should be allowed access to surgeries if they so desire, and yet it would be an injustice to not look at everything around us which may influence these decisions, including how for many intersex people they do not desire these surgeries at all, or are made to feel as though they should desire them even if they wouldn't have otherwise; and even for intersex people which do fully desire and enthusiastically consent to surgery, we must consider whether others, including their surgical team, have ulterior motives for fulfilling that desire. We do not have surgery in a vacuum. The same people who aim to deny trans people transition also force surgery on intersex people, and this is not hypocrisy; this is a core function of how the sex binary is upheld.

When we say "end intersex medical abuse" or "end IGM", we are not aiming to prevent intersex people from willingly and consensually having surgery; we are aiming to end the routine medical abuse of our bodies as well as the coercive nature of intersex surgeries. It's why we use language such as "mutilation" when discussing it and feel rather upset about it being called "gender-affirming care". True gender-affirming care revolves around consent, and intersex medical abuse involves none.