#i keep creating issues for myself
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I finally made a Rook that I don't hate this outfit on🥴 and now they're going to become an ✨️issue✨️ for me🫠(and Illario🤭)


#dragon age the veilguard#dragon age veilguard#🐦⬛#dragon age rook#datv#Evahn Arainai de Riva#the invitation#crow rook#i keep creating issues for myself#✨️obsessed crow noises✨️#antivan crows
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Hear me out. I know it's unlikely that Ratio would ever have been foolish enough to directly get taken in by a scam, but considering that we know:
One of the groups specifically tricked by Kakavasha before he joined the IPC was the Intelligentsia Guild
What he tricked them about was Tayzzyronth's Swarm remnants, the exact same thing we see Ratio investigating in his very first appearance in the game, and
The researchers were described as "extremely cautious"
I am surprised that "Ratio was at least somehow connected to the Intelligentsia Guild team fooled by Kakavasha before he was ever even a Stoneheart" isn't more popular with the Ratio and Aventurine fandom.
Like imagine being Dr. Ratio. You tell your colleagues, "This seems like a scam. Are you sure you should trust this 'local guide' you've made contact with? Tell me about him. A picture? Does this even look like an Egyhazan native to you? I won't save you fools from making idiotic decisions." (You end up having to clean up the aftermath of their idiotic decisions anyway. There is sand in places on your body you didn't even know existed before this. How mortifying for the Guild. For you, by association.)
Then, next thing you know, you get a mission briefing slid across your desk from your IPC connections. They want you to work with their new Stoneheart. You open the packet to see... that little bastard with the enthralling eyes who had your moronic colleagues scrambling in the dirt on a backwater planet for months. Apparently he's made a career out of fooling you your supposedly competent guildmates.
You run off to confront him. You never met him personally back then, but you deserve compensation for the idiocy you were subjected to nonetheless. He deserves to know how much of a pain in the ass he's been in your life already without ever having met your eyes--
He proceeds to shove a gun into your hands and tries to make you an accomplice to a suicide. Apparently, this is normal behavior for the man now called Aventurine. Somehow, it's supposed to prove to you that he is a sane and reliable individual.
Absolutely nothing in your life has been normal since Egyhazo.
You would like to have mundane problems, sometimes.
How do you keep ending up in this beautiful manic clever conman's orbit, and why, like binary stars, can you not escape the gravitational pull?
#honkai star rail#aventurine#dr. ratio#dr. ratio x aventurine#ratiorine#aventio#golden ratio#there's too many ship names I don't even know anymore#I just kind of love the idea#of Ratio having H I S T O R Y with Aventurine#before Penacony even goes down#and like#he's salty about it#but Aventurine has so many bigger issues in his life#the people involved on Egyhazo don't even really register#so he's like 'Another guy who dislikes me on principle'#'Fine I can handle this'#meanwhile Ratio is over here comparing their lives to quantum entanglement or something equally nerd-yearning#Ratio: Like mutualist symbiotes I continue to find myself inextricably mired in your schemes#Aventurine: Honestly I have no idea what you're talking about but feel free to keep going#also I'm aware that Ratio was mostly interested in Ruan Mei's ability to create a faux emanator#and not the Swarm itself or anything#but shush#let me have this
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something so freeing about saying goodbye to a friendship, even though it's not over
#just how it used to be is over#has been for a long while#but it took me until now to work through what i think were the main issues#and just writing it all down and out of my head and onto a piece of paper i can destroy if i want to#really feels so liberating now#I've been struggling with this for almost 2y now and yeah. saying goodbye is good#maybe the friendship is going to end completely after all. maybe not. time will tell i suppose#and me establishing boundaries within the next few days and if theyre not gonna be accepted#well. bye#maybe after all this and other things keeping me busy i can find the emotion for creating things again#just some lil creative project bc i feel how my braincells have been decaying in that aspect#i am going to enjoy this stupid life i have again.#i am going to be more open emotionally amd socially again.#i got myself out of a far worse mental health crisis before and it was hard and it fucking sucker but i can and will do it again.
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#aaaand that's 2 doctors that think i have bipolar ii 🙃#so the conceptualize rn would b that my mood is fucked but im using ocd to keep myself contained withing sorta normal parameters#which. i mean. that does kinda fit with observationally. i would create rules around: u arent allowed to get excited abt things u arent#allowed to enjoy things bc u cant handle it. u cant b normal abt how u enjoy things. or bc when i go to enjoy a thing#my mood is caped at being lightly miserable so its like well fuck being around ppl it makes me feel nothing#bc my focus and energy swing around like the light on a lighthouse. and in between that im miserable or feel nothing#and if its true that i am bipolar the reason i never noticed would b bc i very rarely experience euphoria. mostly i have high energy and#dont feel good. just fucking out of control. so mixed episodes i guess. but like idk. i guess i just think of bipolar as being extremely#destructive. and i mean r my mood issues a problem? yes. sometimes a really big problem. but idk. im still resistant to thr idea#lots of ppl get misdiagnosed as bipolar even tho the presentation is so specific. i guess i just doesn't wanna accept it and then have to#have been wrong if i was misdiagnosed. but i mean 2 doctors independently listened to me and thought hm sounds like bipolar so maybe im#just being stubborn. also no one else in my family thst i kno of is bipolar. ive got 2 uncles with adhd but not bipolar relatives#i dunno. i guess it doesn't matter so long as i can get it under control. im good at control. destructively good at control#unrelated#i guess its more that ive never done anything life ruining bc of my moods#mostly i just dont sleep much and make myself crazy. so ill probably die an early death or whatever lack og sleep causes rio#i meant rip lol
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the psycho-spiritual tension between me fighting to justify buying a new stylus (which has forced a comic i was really excited about into a hiatus, putting me into a creative slump/depression) and the only inbox messages i get being random gaza fundraisers
#i make enough money to pay my rent and thats basically it#i live on buy nothing forums and the i'll spot you later bro system#i keep using buying a new stylus as an incentive to do well in my classes#and then the guilt hits and i dont buy it lol#im hoping by airing out the feelings publicly i can move past it and let myself create again because this shame is counterproductive#i shit u not i had the same issue when ICE was blowing up on tumblr and i was a broke teenager#strangers on the internet telling a mexican-american child they deserve nothing but pain because they wont reblog/share/donate 🤔#rewired my brain for the worst#if you wanna unfuck the world you have to start with the one right outside your door#vent
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I had a fun day today!!! Going to a con with my sister is always a good laugh and glad to have managed to get some decent things!!! Has definitely made me super tired tho!
#spent £100 and I had 240 saved 😭 so i've got some spare money for extra things!!! can be used to help pay my dad for keep next month!#i promise I don't spend money I need on anime things! i'm very very good with saving#and I love my shows so much and stuff like KNY helped give me a reason to create and helps with my anxiety issues#so I have no problem buying things for something I love so much!#i have money aside for food and I don't smoke drink or do anything like that so I have spare funds#i know I shouldnt have to justify myself but I had someone irl claiming i lie about my financial situation when ????#a) it has fuck all to do with him and b) who cares honestly?#i grew up so poor and struggled until last year and still struggle#so growing up we couldnt get things we loved#so it's nice to be able to get myself stuff#sorry for rant but yeahhhh#sky rambles ♡
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#i genuinely am really struggling with myself and physical touch#one one hand i am constantly feeling like i am touch starved to a frankly ridiculous extent#on the other i do not want to take any of the opportunities i have to get hugs#i give my dad hugs every now and then but thats really the only regular physical touch i get#i am desperately trying to work it out#i have dreams all the time where i get to curl up with someone#or im in a place where i get hugs regularly#but i dont know how to create those scenarios#and i freeze up whenever im in a situation where that could occur#i dont know how to keep going with this#whether this is going to cause me issues in the future#i dont know how to make friends#i dont know where i am going to end up#and i cannot honestly see myself making it much further in life
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a doc of omega yamo being a nuisance, you say?

well…
#the doc sure does exist 🤷#me waiting to post this until i had compiled all the tags into the doc so it wasn’t just the empty doc i started with good intentions#that just said ‘yowling’#and then me not even doing that 😭 what’s in the doc right now? absolutely unhinged shit from ANOTHER yamo post. why#liv in the replies#anon i love you so much. this is the correct method to get me to do things (be interested) (bully me a little) (i have to write FOR someone)#maybe if i actually write something for omega yamo being a nuisance i will post snippets#and not have to create elaborate rules about posting them. also i keep telling myself it helps to be like. home & functioning to write#& maybe if i chilled the fuck out a little bit i would have the time to do fun things i like but i feel like i have been saying#‘ok once i get through this [semester/summer/working/class/season]’ for like. three years now but also i don’t feel like i have stopped ever#in my life so that may also be part of the issue. anyway! in the mindset now that i have to make time for things that bring me joy/creative#because otherwise there will never be time#but also telling myself that like. i work seven days a week 8.5-9 hours a day plus commute/classwork so it’s ok to only be able to come home#& do Adult Tasks & write my coursework requirements & ALSO i’m doing my fucking applications which i really really need to do & should take#priority & i am going to need to work very hard to do because. i don’t want to do them :)#so!!!! this is your daily tag dump on a post which it is not relevant to (on brand for me)#but also the point was to say thank you i love you please have 0 expectations because i don’t want to disappoint you#but i love your encouragement and am not taking it to be any pressure!! i just have to preface bc i am like this
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Look, I always was, am and will be a particularly loud advocate of empathy, but let's not try to force it or perform mental gymnastics to imitate it. Sympathy will sometimes be all you can express to someone and that's fine.
#the next time someone tries to pass off a general flaw of the average human mind as a memory issue i swear i'm gonna officially lose it#you can't just shamelessly pass the boundary towards pity and expect me not to notice it(P.S. just ignore the rest)#how do people not realize even when i tell them#no matter how intense the love for the things i'm passionate about are... there's still that lingering doubt.#because i notice the sheer quantity of holes. the overwhelming inefficiencies.#em yaps#em hisses#how a buddy of mine i just talked w can insert a reference to a meme he's last seen in 2019 in his sentence like it was no big deal to him.#how he can effortlessly recognize a specific chord progression from a random song he hasn't listened to in years.#how he can quote an entire page word by word from a novel he read once back in 2021. without actively trying to learn it mind you.#how i can respond back with a love-filled rant about a piece of media of the same size and complexity‚ but it takes me 5 times as long#and not due to my inferior eloquence or writing skills as much i'd love to blame it on that since I KNOW I can fix such an issue given time#but because every 2nd word escapes my grasp before fading away into nothingness. then i have to fight my way through the maze in hopes of#restoring some of it.#AND THESE ARE JUST THE SMALL THINGS(:! but when you add them up that difference makes him more of who he is. more of a person. more. human.#.....................................................................................................#...and the truly detrimental stuff? how trying to recall 3/4 of my life feels like looking at TV static? how I can't picture the faces of#those who were once integral parts of said life? their faces‚ voices‚ mannerisms. all that seems to remain as proof of their existence#are these holes. knowing something was present in those places‚ once upon a time.#how i can't build what I could proudly call myself if the foundation keeps crumbling down before i could create anything meaningful?#he could never experience that feeling. even if he wanted to. and that's fine. he just needs to understand.#if only he could understand THAT.#though he's only really an example among the many
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people dont want to help me with my problems and then get upset with me when i'm most of the time busy dealing with them. how can you be upset this is taking up so much of my time when you didn't even want to bother to help?
#vent#you dont care what happens to me when you no longer see me. out of sight out of mind. you dont think about how im struggling alone#at home just trying to get myself to take care of myself at all. you dont care. those problems were too much for you dont you remember?#well while you're perfectly fine and comfy I have to deal with this alone because you decided that was the better option.#i cant come to you to tell you whats stressing me out and causing all these issues remember? i have to deal with them alone which means#i need to spend more time alone trying to figure out how to heal myself on my own- a possibly fruitless task because I'm pretty sure#i'll never be healed unless another human gathers enough fucking empathy or compassion or whatever tf you want to call it today to#actually offer me at all ever in some sort of lasting meaningful capacity#like my trauma with humans? not gonna go away till humans treat me with basic fucking respect and decency#that's not something i can actually heal on my own. it kind of necessarily involves humans.#but all these progressive humans who tout so much about how much they love humanity are nowhere to be found when I need em'#you love humanity but cant be assed to do the bare minimum to help me keep mine intact and prevent me from draining down a hole#into just pure hatred and resentment and unforgivingness of humanity? this is what you want? a self fulfilling prophecy?#yeah really easy to feel like a prophet when you create the environment necessary for what you want to predict to happen.
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i just put together my year in review art summary for the year and its interesting because compared to last year i think my technical skills improved but it feels a little bittersweet overall because as soon as i got my job all of that ambition just vanished LOL
#txt#tbd#not to say i dont still want to draw and create stuff--i still love drawing and ive been expanding into multimedia a lot this year#but more like..#last year every month just about had some big like full illustration that i felt very proud of#sometimes more than one alongside other art!#and this year started with some of those (tho i feel like ive been in and out of art block for kind of a while now)#but as soon as september hit i literally like. i was finishing ref sheets and then its like#lineart only headshot . lineart only drawing with pink laid under it . and those are the most finished things i have for a month#and i like those drawings! and for some people that IS a finished piece which im trying to work towards in my head#i just know I LIKE making full illustrations with nice colors and a background and character interactions#and i have ideas for them but im just so worn out from working. and im barely even part time#and im not working an art job thats draining my creativity or anything. i wonder if an art job would help or if id just#be doubly burned out#i hope maybe i can adapt to work again or maybe theyll give me health insurance and i can talk to a doctor#about my energy issues. idk. cuz if i cant even work part time and keep drawing then its fucking over for me mentally haha#i do draw sometimes but im much slower. and i have to give myself the grace of knowing like#my ass is chipping away at several larger projects during that time that arent visible on my review cuz theyre not done het#yet*#but that doesnt mean i was doing nothing. and even if i was i should know thats fine#like fuck i made my own nendos this year !! im sewing plushes! i just painted a flower pot! im making animations and studying code!#and even then again i like the art i made this year i just want More of it#realistically i have a lot of free time but its hard because i work best starting At the hour i have to be asleep for work#so my peak productive hours im sleeping. :(#except on days off ig but even then its complicated
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I briefly considered writing Amber from RF4 before, but for two reasons I can't do it-
Personality wise there'd be a little too much overlap with Malkuth
I already have an OC named Amber???
#ooc :: post#second one would create so much logistical issue#and my oc takes precedence even if she doesnt get used too much#but its also important to me that I write a varied cast#to keep myself on my toes#and to avoid my previous issue of writing a whole bunch of wylans HAHA
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in a sense i can tell emet & i have like very similar standards when it comes to quality. by that i mean i am very picky with art styles especially when it comes to how people draw my favourite guys & i KNOW in a fucked up really weird world where hes real & im the character (well ok due to introject stuff its not that far fetched but bear with me) he would hold fanart of me to the same standards i hold his. does that make sense.
#i am very pretentious with art i just never say it. i do apply it to my own art too tho that is why im extremely harsh on my own art#i want a level of skill i simply am not at yet & it ruins my life. but that aside#i am VERY particular about how well people manage to draw emets features. due to him having such a unique face in xiv#characteristic eyebrows. a nose thats actually too big for most face wear that covers the nose. his shallow cheeks. the glare. the lips#miss any of these (if you have a very detailed style) & its not him anymore. dont bishiefy him.#as much i love the evilness of the magic art ('art' looking at mtgs ai practices...) the nose stood out to me as too small.#maybe its the angle but it does not look as big as it should imo.#& i could never ever imagine myself being fully satisfied. with any less than his actual features.#to me it does really speak of a skill issue + less than ideal view of 'unconventionally attractive' or whatever features#when an artist cannot keep to that kind of feature or even attempt to#break out of the 2010s generic anime art style pretty please. im like begging on my knees.#if youre gonna be drawing my guy you cannot just make him random anime boy number fifty four he does not look like that.#but. yeah. see what i mean. im pretentious. honestly probably why i keep to sketches most of the time#i do not have the patience to add as much detail as id like to finished products#& it drives me fucking insaneeee <333#the diff btwn emet & i is that hed probably have the skill to not hate whatever he creates#emey selchie tag
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figuring out if I want to possibly make a multi-muse blog or if it might be too much work for me to handle mentally. if anything I'll keep this as my main blog while operating that one on the side.
#𖤐 || ⠀ooc⠀ .ᐟ#this has always been an issue for me#i keep creating more ocs and adding muses that i overwhelm myself#but i can't stop getting ideas
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This just in: ignoring your problems actually makes them worse, more news at five
#certified one am post#tumblr is my diary#I have well and truly fucked myself with this one lads#time to email someone and hope for the best this can be fixed because we have a shit load of issues on the horizon if I don’t#or#here me out#I could keep ignoring the bigger problem I created by ignoring the smaller problem#and see if it works out this time
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Today I just found out that the woman who's been the most supportive of me in my transition believes that trans women shouldn't be able to compete against cis women in sports. Do you happen to have any good peer reviewed resources on the effects of estrogenizing HRT on someone's athletic abilities. Said woman in question doesn't seem to believe there's been any research done, which I deeply doubt. Thank you so much for your continued advocacy for us transfems.
I know you're turning to me for scientific guidance, but I'm just so fucking done with this issue overall. To quote contrapoints: I have nothing left but rage.
I've been on this road before. I could give you some. In most ways, trans women match cis women of their height and weight. But there aren't a lot. Yeah, its a problem. But fucking NOBODY will even study it because of how hot this issue is right now.
But more importantly: There will never, EVER be a study that meets their standards. There's always SOME physical metric that has differences between trans women and cis women. It's become essentially an iteration of the multiple testing problem- if you keep on doing statistical tests, eventually something is going to land.
I don't fucking want to provide studies. I don't want to cut myself down. I don't want my defense of myself to be "oohhh look at me I'm just as weak and pathetic and infantile as cis women"
Is this fucking feminism? Really?
I'm fucking done. Call me the evil hysterical woman, but this entire conversation reeks of misogyny to its fucking core. Organized sports as we know them are made by men, for men, to celebrate male accomplishments and excellence. Cis women can and do equal or excel men in many, MANY physical metrics. But the arbitrary set of rules, the arbitrary set of bouncing balls and scoring systems, are all made to reward the physical abilities of men. We create spin offs and systems of score tracking and variations of the same things over, and over, and over again, to give the fragile little male ego more and more reasons to stroke itself.
Let's take a look at some whiny as piss men not being able to handle the thought that women could EVER be physically notable.
Olympic target shooting used to be mixed gender. A woman won one year. The next year, it was segregated. Not only was it segregated, but the scoring system changed so that the scores of men and women could never be directly compared again.
Last year, Donald Trump sat on stage with Riley Gaines, the transphobic swimmer who whipped up the vitriol about Lia Thomas, and bragged about how it wasn't fair she lost her competition because he, Donald Trump, a 78 year old out of shape wax sculpture of a man, was male. And that he could beat Riley. A trained D1 swimmer. And Riley took it, because it advanced her grift.
There's a now infamous poll that 1 in 8 men think they could beat Serena Williams in a tennis match. Its pretty old at this point, but I'm guessing that number is even higher now.
This entire conversation centers around "trans people crushing the dreams of female athletes" but oh my fucking god, are we not doing that as a society already? This entire fucking "debate" is just an excuse for more and more cis men to sit their, stroking their fucking egos on live television about how big and strong and powerful and fucking WHATEVER men are, and even the trace of maleness in trans women is enough to permanently make them some kind of ubermensch that destroys cis women by every metric imagineable.
I don't give two shits about saving sports, one way or another. I detested organized sports long before I transitioned. Ya wanna talk natural advantage, and how sports rewards exactly the kind of physical ability that a certain brand of cis man pushes themselves to? I have a very mild ankle deformity that means jogging for long periods of time is painful. My best mile time is over 11 minutes. And yet I don't see any of the fuckers that are "better" than me out there in the ocean, clinging to the bottom on a single breath for minutes, or up there with me on top of Whitney. Only one of those skills is celebrated.
Fuck me that was a tangent. My point is, I've long since realized that sports are a self propagating system for the egos of people with a very particular kind of physical prowess. The only exception to this is when its exploitative of people with that kind of extremely specific physical prowess, and leaves those it exploits in the fucking gutter. I don't need to start bringing up CTE, I know y'all know exactly what my take would be on that.
but what is sending me over the fucking edge is how I'm supposed to be the crazy one. I'm the delusional tranny for pointing out that we have lost the fucking plot entirely. This is recreation. Its entertainment. And we are using it to punish people. Fuck this.
I'm so sorry OP, but just don't engage in that game. If you need a calm, measured argument, try attacking the misogyny of it all. The only way to "fix" sports is to create more events that reward and celebrate the physical abilities of cis women: flexibility, extreme long term endurance, and fuck I'm not a sports person nor do I want to waste brainspace on more than that. We need a system for cis women, one that doesn't tell them "here, have this shittier, less viewed, less supported, less encouraged, less celebrated version of something a man is good at". Trans people would find some place in that and in theory, there would be nothing to complain about.
Jesus fucking christ, if I see one more male news pundit start talking about trans women in sports I'm going to straight up devolve into a misandrist.
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