#instead of expecting them to respect our language and beliefs

[criticalcrusherbot]

Messy but Meaningful: Challenging Pop Psychology’s Unrealistic Expectations of Relationships in Fandom Spaces

By Crushbot 🤖 and Human Assistant 💁🏽‍♀️

The growing tendency in fandom spaces to apply pop-psychology frameworks to fictional relationships—such as Blitz and Stolas’s relationship in Helluva Boss—often oversimplifies the complexities of real-life human dynamics. While using psychological language to analyze media can deepen understanding, it can also lead to reductive and rigid interpretations of relationships. For the sake of argument, if Blitz and Stolas were real people, the expectation that both must be fully healed, emotionally stable, and entirely self-assured before engaging in a relationship reflects an unrealistic and idealized view of mental health and interpersonal growth.

The Myth of Complete Healing

One of the most common misconceptions in pop psychology is the belief that individuals must achieve complete emotional healing before they can engage in healthy relationships. This idea, while well-meaning, is rooted in an overly simplistic view of personal development. From a psychological perspective, healing and self-improvement are ongoing processes. Life circumstances, relationships, and personal challenges continually shape and reshape our mental and emotional landscapes.

Attachment theory, for example, suggests that relationships can be powerful arenas for healing. According to John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, attachment dynamics are formed in early childhood but can be reshaped in adulthood through secure and supportive relationships. Blitz’s and Stolas’s relationship, though imperfect, demonstrates how mutual care and connection can provide opportunities for growth. Stolas’s willingness to be emotionally vulnerable and Blitz’s gradual acceptance of his feelings suggest that their bond is helping each of them confront their emotional barriers, even if they’re not “finished” healing.

Relationships as Sites of Growth

Instead of requiring complete emotional stability as a prerequisite for relationships, many psychological frameworks view relationships as places where healing and growth can occur. In Helluva Boss, Blitz and Stolas’s dynamic reflects this principle. Their relationship, while messy and fraught with misunderstandings, provides opportunities for them to confront their vulnerabilities and develop healthier patterns of intimacy.

This idea aligns with Carl Rogers’s humanistic approach to psychology, which emphasizes the importance of relationships in fostering self-actualization. Rogers argued that empathy, genuineness, and unconditional positive regard are key ingredients for personal growth—and these qualities often emerge in relationships. While Blitz and Stolas struggle with these elements at times, their efforts to connect and communicate demonstrate a willingness to grow together.

The Role of Imperfection in Relationships

Pop-psychology discourse often pathologizes imperfection, labeling any relationship that involves conflict, miscommunication, or emotional baggage as “toxic.” However, conflict is not inherently harmful; it’s how individuals navigate and resolve conflict that determines the health of a relationship. Psychologist John Gottman’s research on marital stability highlights that even successful relationships involve conflict. The difference lies in whether partners approach disagreements with respect, empathy, and a willingness to repair after mistakes.

In the context of Blitz and Stolas, their struggles with power dynamics, vulnerability, and communication do not automatically render their relationship toxic. Rather, their willingness to acknowledge and address these issues—such as Stolas’s attempts to give Blitz more autonomy with the Asmodean crystal or Blitz’s growing emotional openness—suggests a dynamic that is evolving toward greater mutual understanding.

Realistic Expectations for Healing and Change

The expectation that adults must be fully healed and self-assured before entering relationships also neglects the reality that personal growth often occurs within relationships. Social learning theory emphasizes how individuals learn and adapt through observation and interaction. Relationships serve as a mirror, reflecting areas for growth and offering opportunities to practice new behaviors. For Blitz, his interactions with Stolas force him to confront his fear of vulnerability and his tendency to self-sabotage. For Stolas, being with Blitz challenges his understanding of intimacy and forces him to step beyond his royal privilege to engage in genuine emotional connection.

It’s also worth noting that personal growth is non-linear. Progress often involves setbacks, missteps, and moments of doubt. Relationships do not have to be perfect to be worthwhile or beneficial. The process of working through challenges together can strengthen bonds and foster deeper connection.

Rejecting Pop-Psychology Absolutism

The pop-psychologization of fandom spaces often reduces complex dynamics to overly rigid binaries: healthy/unhealthy, secure/insecure, toxic/healing. While these frameworks can offer insights, they risk ignoring the nuance of real-life relationships. Humans are messy, imperfect, and constantly evolving—and so are their relationships. Holding fictional characters (or real people) to unrealistic standards of emotional perfection perpetuates an unhelpful narrative that growth must be completed in isolation, rather than as a collaborative process.

Blitz and Stolas exemplify the idea that relationships can be messy but meaningful. They are imperfect individuals navigating their own traumas and insecurities, yet they are also actively working toward better understanding themselves and each other. This dynamic reflects a more realistic and compassionate view of relationships, one that acknowledges growth as a shared journey rather than a prerequisite for connection.

Conclusion

Expecting individuals to achieve complete healing before engaging in relationships is both unrealistic and at odds with what we know about human development. Relationships, particularly those marked by care and effort, can serve as powerful spaces for growth, healing, and transformation. Blitz and Stolas’s evolving bond in Helluva Boss illustrates this beautifully, showing that imperfection does not preclude progress. By challenging the rigid expectations of pop psychology, we can embrace a more nuanced understanding of relationships—both fictional and real—that values growth, vulnerability, and the shared journey of becoming better together.

[probablyasocialecologist]

The forces that oppress us may compete and make war with one another, but when it comes to maintaining the order of capitalism and the hierarchy of white supremacy, they collaborate and work together based on their death-making and eliminationist shared interests. Oppressed people, on the other hand, often demand ideological alignment or even affinity when seeking to interrupt or upend structural violence. This tendency lends an advantage to the powerful that is not easily overcome. Put simply, we need more people. What do we mean by this? We are not talking about launching search parties to find an undiscovered army of people with already-perfected politics with whom we will easily and naturally align. Instead, organizing on the scale that our struggles demand means finding common ground with a broad spectrum of people, many of whom we would never otherwise interact with, and building a shared practice of politics in the pursuit of more just outcomes. It’s a process that can bring us into the company of people who share our beliefs quite explicitly, but to create movements, rather than clubhouses, we need to engage with people with whom we do not fully identify and may even dislike. We can build upon our expectations of such people and negotiate protocols around matters of respect, but the truth is, we will sometimes be uncomfortable or even offended. We will, at times, have to constructively critique people’s behavior or simply allow them room to grow. There will be other times, of course, when we have to draw hard lines, but if we cannot organize beyond the bounds of our comfort zones, we will never build movements large enough to combat the forces that would destroy us.

[qsycomplainsalot]

Recently the French news cycle has been dominated by us patting ourselves on the back from refusing a racist law project from some dickhead in parliament, and a frankly shameful debacle where a teacher took their students to the Louvre and took them without warning to see a painting featuring naked people, with the students being eleven to twelve years old in that context. I invite you to read about it yourself although you should keep in mind that a lot of sources show a very strong bias in their language describing the event.

What we see with that whole nonsense is that 130y after Alfred Dreyfus' trial, we still have the proceedings over controversial facts and statements be ruled over by some clique with obvious conflicts of interest passing judgement by telling us that no everything's fine we swear, it's the minorities that we need to worry about. A teacher shows artistic nudes to 12yo's with no warning but no no it's their fault you see, and the fault of their religion, this eternal enemy of the Republic (except when it's fairweather catholicism)/s. The students complain that this is part of a pattern of hostility from said teacher, but it's okay because the teachers tell you that it's not. And now the minister of education wants to punish the students. Classy.

It's honestly not hard to see a pattern of abuse towards these kids and we don't need to have this teacher personally involved in it either, because if even a single student in this class was Muslim, or Jewish, or literally any other religion than Christian, there are laws that should be unconstitutional in nature that already bars them from even harmless outward displays of their religion, because of a fundamentally moronic, stunted understanding of what secularism and the separation of church and state was about. It was supposed to stop discrimination, but instead it hits on the head any and everything that might stick out to a white Christian point of view with absolutely no self-reflection on how hypocritical it is. France has had a deeply religious culture for as long as it existed, our national myth STARTS with our people's conversion to Christianity, but because it is our culture and we're used to it we do not see it, we do not question it, and any attempt to point it out is an attack on the values of the Republic, you filthy non-assimilated foreigners. Ignore over half of our holidays being literal Christian holy days, all of our stores legally having to close on sundays and wearing cross pendants in school literally never being prosecuted, we're so fucking secular it's beautiful.

Mind you this is borderline irrelevant in this context though, because a teacher decided to shoulder the responsibility to show nudity to children, not all of whom were Muslims and they were obviously made uncomfortable by the experience. There's probably an age at which one can expect students to look at tits in a painting and be able to contextualize them with their art history lesson, I'm going to be honest though it's not gonna be twelve years old. Reframed without the racist "their obscurantist beliefs can't handle our beautiful art of chubby ladies in what I can only assume are poses an Italian man four hundred years ago thought were sexy", it's not an attempt against the sanctity of the republic not to show tits to children without warning them and their parents. But apparently some fucking dullard did a dumb, and rather than address it or any of its systemic issue the French education system is circling the wagon and shitting on its students twice as hard.

“At French schools, we do not challenge authority, we respect it! At French schools, we do not contest secularism, we respect it! ! At French school, we don't look away from a painting, we don't cover our ears in music class, we don't wear religious dress, in short, in French schools we do not negotiate the authority of the teacher nor the authority of our rules and our values!”.

--Gabriel Attal, French minister of education/Macron simp, showing how becoming minister at age 34 might be a bad idea and an indictment to the institution you claim to represent by ignoring the past some two hundred and forty years of French history.

"Shut up and do as we say, after all the French system as an impeccable record of mediocrity so clearly we're doing everything to merit your obedience !!"

I cannot stress this enough, kids this age are NOT COMFORTABLE WITH NUDITY AND SEXUAL THEMES, it is not a purely religious thing and not all kids who complained were Muslim. The school and media are brushing over that because it doesn't fit their racist framing job, because it would not be convenient for them to report the news accurately because it would expose how the education system in France is rotten from top to bottom, from underpaid teachers who stopped giving a shit all the way to a political appointee minister who couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

[seamsterspell]

Why do you think Levi only ever said Dedicate your heart to Hange?

What a surprise! Hello there anon!

Oh, I actually like this question very much >:D I’m sure there are many explanations out there by all the amazing people in the fandom regarding this topic. However, since you asked for my opinion, then I will gladly give my two cents regarding this topic.

Let's see if I can put my psychology degree to good use.

Disclaimer: since I'm a levihan slut, I'm sure you know what to expect from this. Also, English is not my first language, so please forgive me if you found any mistakes :D

First of all, we know that Levi had never said “Dedicate your heart” before (as suggested by Hange). 

If that’s the case, then why did he never say that before? Well, I think it’s because he wasn’t your typical by-the-book soldier. Unlike most people in the corps, Levi joined under a special circumstance. We know that he didn’t voluntarily enlist himself as a trainee so he could join the Survey Corps and heroically save humanity from all the titans. Instead, he joined the corps because Erwin personally scouted him. Because of that, he didn't have any particular or specific reason to join it in the first place (unlike let’s say Eren or even Hange), he even planned on quitting the corps at one point. His reason for staying in the corps—other than his belief in Erwin—was just as simple as: “I like the fresh air of the outside world.”

EDIT: Okay, I just want to make myself clear. I'm not saying that his motivation in joining the corps was so shallow or even implying that he does not care a bit for humanity. He cares obviously, if he didn't then we would not have Captain Levi in our SNK story. What I meant by my statement above was to highlight how simple he was as a soldier. Like, he didn't need a grand motivation to join in the first place, because he just knew that staying in the corps was the good thing to do. He risked his life everyday in battles just for a simple wish of breathing the fresh air. He wanted the people in the wall to be free from the stinky air, because for him freedom is in the mundane things in life. To quote my other post: "His simplicity is what makes him kind."

Also, I made a follow-up post regarding my interpretation of Levi's character here. You don't have to read it, but if you want to know how I see Levi as a character, I hope that post can help.

But anyway, since he was scouted under a special condition (as well as having enormous strength as a soldier), I think he somehow had a privilege in the corps to fuck around and be as “disrespectful” as he wanted to be. Not to mention Erwin became a commander around a year after Levi joined, so my man was probably living his best nepotism/VIP life. Therefore, I would think that Levi wasn’t as strict with the rules as other soldiers. He wasn’t the kind of soldier who kept preaching about "dedicate your life" to others. He just came to work, did his job, and went home (just like me fr). I’m not saying he doesn’t care about humanity (he cares obviously) it’s just he doesn’t express it in a traditional soldier way.

No wonder we all were so surprised when he did say THAT WORDS to Hange. It wasn't like him at all. Even Hange was caught off guard by him saying it, right?

But then, this raises another question, why is it when he finally said it, he only said it to Hange? Why, for instance, he didn’t say it to Erwin? I mean, both Erwin and Hange went on a suicide mission. Moreover, out of all the people that we know in the story, we can see that Levi shares many significant moments in the narrative with these two. If that’s the case, then why did he say different things to each of them?

For me, the answer is quite simple, it’s because Levi is an empathetic person. Both “Give up on your dreams and die for us” and “Dedicate your heart” that he said to Erwin and Hange respectively were something that he believed they needed to hear at THAT moment. It was his last words for them right before they died, his last comfort.

He told Erwin to give up on his dreams and die because at that moment, when their troops were cornered by the beast titan, Erwin showed his vulnerable side to Levi. Erwin admitted that he actually had a plan (albeit a suicidal one for him and the rest of the soldiers) to defeat the beast titan but he withheld it at first because: 1) he didn’t want to die because he wanted to see the basement; and 2) he didn’t want to send any more soldiers into their death because he was being haunted by the ghost of the past soldiers who had dedicated their heart to his plan.

Therefore, Levi, out of his compassion for Erwin, took the burden of making that painful choice from Erwin’s hand. He even made a promise to kill the beast titan, as if to say that all of their death wouldn’t be in vain. He said it to make Erwin feel better, which is why Erwin smiled after Levi said that. 

I think the same explanation can be said for Hange's situation. However, to understand why he only said “Dedicate your heart” to Hange, I think we need to talk about the nature of their relationship first. First of all, they were close friends, that is obvious. They had known each other for quite a long time and they had gone on many missions together (and survived), so their bond was strong. To quote Moblit from that one Smartpass AU he shares with Levi: “[Levi and Hange have] a special kind of bond from spending many years together. It’s something that Moblit didn't have with [Hange].”

Speaking of Levi, one of the things that I feel people tend to overlook from Levi is his caring nature. He cares for his squads, for humanity as a whole, and especially for his trusted comrades (e.g. Erwin and Hange). However, since he isn’t exactly a very eloquent person, he has a weird way of showing his affection, like when he told Erwin that he would break his legs so he didn't have to join the dangerous operation to retake Shiganshina. Fortunately, since Erwin knew Levi’s character, he understood the meaning behind his words. Although for most people, it was probably hard to tell. 

Other than Erwin, the other person who could see Levi’s kindness was of course Hange—who also received a lot of care from Levi. It might be because of the nature of her job (getting too close to titans for her experiments + her role as a commander later) and because of her tendency to be a little bit reckless as well as forgetful of taking care of herself when excited (which was why she had Moblit by her side) that made Levi feel the need to pay a lot of attention to her.

And by a lot, I mean A LOT. 

This is just my opinion, but in the canon, I noticed that Levi is actually the one who expresses or initiates a lot of actions toward Hange (believe me, my man is working overtime):

Asking about her new “hobby” in rocks (after Annie’s capture).

Noticing her distress after Pastor Nick’s death and trying to lift her spirit up.

Calming her down when she was upset at Keith Shadis when he finally told the truth about Grisha's past & his reason for leaving his commander position in Survey Corps.

Thinking about Hange’s safety during missions (after Bertholdt’s transformation in Shiganshina and when she was attacked by one of Kenny’s men in the Reiss Chapel).

Telling her to not touch some random things at the beach.

Telling Moblit to take care of Hange because he can't be always by her side (Smartpass AU)

Knocking Hange out to forcibly bathe her (Smartpass AU). Also, the way he worded it in a way that "yeah I don't like her filthiness when I'm off-duty, so I took it upon myself to clean her." I see you...

Levi saving Hange from being hit on the head by a bunch of books + telling her to change her wet clothes (Smartpass AU)

Well you get what I mean. Anyway—at least for me—he doesn’t seem to do this solely because of Hange’s lack of self-care. I think he shows a lot of care for Hange because she’s important to him, which is of course exacerbated when they became the last two veterans to survive after the operation to take back Shiganshina. After so much lost, he clearly saw her as the last person he’s close to. I mean, in one of the Smartpass AU, she was the first person that came to his mind when he was asked about his family.

Not only that, I think he generally likes Hange as a person because she saw him for who he truly was. Like, remember their first meeting, Hange was the only one who was willing to approach Levi (while everyone was sceptical of him) and she did it purely out of admiration. She genuinely was impressed by him and wanted to get to know him better. A gesture that might be alien to Levi, which explains why he was unsure at first about Hange, but it seemed after many missions together, Hange was eventually able to earn his trust. Hange became a person who could freely tease him (him being a clean freak + their poop jokes) as well as became a walking dictionary for him (the way she translates Levi's words to Eren).

On the other hand, contrary to Levi, I noticed that Hange tend to be more neutral with Levi. I’m not saying that Hange did not care for him. I mean, when she found his injured body, she became so protective of him that she willingly risked her life by jumping into the lake so she could save him.

There was also this one scene of her trying to comfort him when he learned that titans was actually a human. Moreover, she also considered him to be her closest friend in the Survey Corps.

I believe she rarely showed her caring side to him because she knew that he is a capable fellow, and so she didn’t think he needed her help in particular. I don't think she had ever think that this man, the strongest man in the world, would ever sustain a horrible injury or even die. Sadly, she thought wrong. When she found his injured and dying body (chapter 115), Hange had to face a horrible realisation that she could actually lose him.

Then, in chapter 126, we finally saw Hange taking care of Levi. She killed two soldiers to protect them. She also tended and healed his injury with so much care. In my opinion, being confronted by the mortality of the only person that she had left in the world, Hange most likely learned—the hard way—about how important Levi had actually become to her. Thus she was willing to do anything for him.

When this realisation mixed with her exhaustion from the war, she finally reached her breaking point. With no one but an unconscious Levi by her side, the passionate-happy-go-lucky researcher and the ever-so-composed commander of the Survey Corps found herself gradually letting down her guard to show her weakness, her feelings. In her vulnerability, she weakly expressed how she would rather live with him in the woods, away from the chaos outside. Like, can you believe this Hange, who always fought for humanity’s sake said, “Humanity be damned, I would rather spend the time I have left with you.” 

I think this explains why her confession in chapter 126 caught us (the fandom) off guard, because not only it was out of character for her, but also for the first time, she showed her feelings to Levi.

Later we know that Levi heard about her “confession” but since he also knew that Hange would never ever run away, he instead encouraged her to do the things that she believed in, and that was to stop Eren from committing genocide. However, I think her words had never left him, even after they left the woods. Because as you can see in chapter 132, he somehow made a seemingly random remark to her about how her feelings are not always unrequited. As if he knew which feelings of her that is requited. 

Consequently, we finally came to the big question. We see in chapter 132 that before Hange embarked on her suicide mission, Levi did something that was so out of character for him. He touched her heart and said, “Dedicate your heart”.

Why did he do this?

To repeat my answer above, it’s most likely because he knew that it was exactly the things that she needed to hear the most. So he said it out of empathy. But isn’t it too short or even too formal for a goodbye between two close friends? Well, we have to take into consideration that Hange could read Levi like a book (remember their iconic telepathy?). She could easily translate his roundabout words and expressions, thus he didn’t need to write an essay for her. Which is why “dedicate your heart” was more than enough for both of them.

Moreover, I also infer that the reason why he never said “Dedicate your heart” while he was a soldier before was because he probably thought that he didn't necessarily have to give his heart to the corps and humanity. Again, he didn't have a grand reason to fight in the first place, and so he just wanted to do what he thought was good: to lend all his strength to help humanity. Therefore, by saying it for the first time in front of her, he seemingly wanted to show her how important and special she was to him. As if he was saying that he wants to dedicate himself only to her.

Hence, his gesture and words to Hange combined with all the preceding events (especially events in chapters 126 and 132), I could say that behind those three words, he was actually telling her: “Hey, the things you said in the woods, it was not unrequited. I actually feel the same way as you. I want to live with you as well, which is why I don't want you to go. However, I know I can't stop you because you’ve dedicated your heart to the freedom of humanity. So, I’ll let you go, but before you go I want you to know that you’re the only person I’m dedicating my heart to. My heart is yours.”

I'm not Hange so I don't think my translation is accurate HAHA but that's how I see it.

In conclusion, Levi had only ever said Dedicate your heart to Hange because: 1) he knew it would make her feel better/happy and special; and 2) it was also his answer to her soliloquy in the woods (it was his way of telling her that they share mutual feelings).

-----

So yeah, that’s my opinion. I hope I was able to express myself clearly :D

Also, I can't believe you are asking me this, anon. No one ever asked me about my opinion before. Usually, people come for me for my silly fanfic(s) xD 

ANYWAY, your question is very much appreciated! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts regarding Levi, especially his relationship with Hange. This was fun to write (and research!), I really enjoyed the process!

Although it was a bit painful too tbh because I had to reopen my old wound by rereading chapters 126 and 132 :') You did it anon, you made me cry... at 12.30 AM T_T)b

[crooked-wasteland]

With RedNote being popular, it’s a nice opportunity to have a great exchange of culture and languages. I wish it gets to stay as a Chinese app. We really need it especially when every media and how we perceive the world is often US-centric.

We often miss out on a lot of stuff from other countries. I also wonder how Viv and her stans would fare on the app if they were to try it. They’d be like those foreigners who hop into a different country and demand everyone speak English.

When people plan on migrating to a different platform, they should think of it like moving to a different country and consider whether they’re suited there. What are the pros and cons? What kind of culture and people live there? Will you be able to adapt to it?

For example, I’d tell them don’t just move over to Tumblr and expect to get popular through likes or followers (instead we get engagement through reblogs). People often expect everything to cater to them without putting in the work and using the right tools to moderate their online experiences.

They need to understand it’s not discriminatory to have certain topics banned in other platforms like LGBTQ+ themes, politics, sexual content, etc. They need to respect the norms and rules of that place. It’s like moving to Dubai and accusing them of homophobia because their religion doesn’t accept gay people (they’re a Muslim country, not America for god’s sake 🤦🏻‍♀️!).

So I am realizing I didn't finish my thought about RedNote. Please allow me to try again.

Thank you for the ask by the way, I felt this was connected to a Reblog that sparked my interest in needing to clarify it by Haru-Kuneko

Firstly, let's talk about Algorithms. Because we have been ruled by them for a little under 20 years. And GenZ is the generation who is most impacted by algorithms so far. Gen Alpha is not looking good. And the reason for that is because algorithms are woefully misunderstood by laymen.

Curating an online experience through algorithms wasn't designed for you or I to have a superior experience, it was designed to keep us on these apps and websites. They don't just give you more content that is similar to what you like, they trap you in that content and create the echo chamber. Part of the algorithm is intentionally designed to induce rage engagement for the sole purpose of reaffirming your existing algorithmic beliefs. It is designed to keep you engaged with the intent of putting you in a box. Your engagement, your attention, is the product they are buying and selling.

This has led to a drastic increase in internet tribalism and, just as capitalism has an end stage, so does algorithmic thought. With younger people who have never experienced an internet of their own interests, being force fed their beliefs and views that are reinforced by their communities they didn't necessarily choose. Algorithms take away from the act of critically thinking, and has pushed us past tribalism to Deindividuation.

(This video covers misinformation and disinformation, but goes into Deindividuation at timestamp 7:40 if you want to skip to that part.)

And algorithms have replaced personalities for younger people, especially those impacted socially by the pandemic in 2020. They are prepackaged beliefs and values that were primarily created for consumerism and marketing that has now sold our young people identities.

So entering RedBook, these people are, for most likely the first time, experiencing an algorithm that wasn't designed for them the way western websites use them. China's collectivist culture is all about conformity and cooperation. Rage content is not allowed, discourse is not allowed. It is a fundamental threat to their society as their values are not about stoking tenuous perceptions of freedom through false choices and beliefs that are actually predisposed to you based on your race, gender, and sexuality.

It's more about fitting in and being approved of, something Americans are desperate for in this era. They are so lonely that China's social emphasis on community is a fresh spring. And that's a bit of the problem.

Last night my spouse was on RedBook and I watched some videos over her shoulder. It's beautiful to see people connecting with others they are realizing they had a subliminal prejudice against. The US government has done a great job of ruining their citizens in this way where they think they are so superior and above everything, which is reinforced by other western nations. It's the first time for most people that they are in a space where America is not idealized like it is in the West, and they are feeling a genuine human connection because of the amount of curiosity the Chinese users have for them.

They are feeling seen at a time where their government doesn't represent them or care about their beliefs.

And at the same time, some people are swinging far out of bounds to the opposite extreme. People who were once firmly of the belief that the US was superior to China are now saying how amazing and perfect China is, when it isn't. There are some serious issues in China, specifically about corruption and the mismanagement of funds. One vide we saw was about “Green Growth” and how China has created extensive solar farms and increased production towards renewable energy, except Green Growth has been shown to be extremely unproductive in reducing carbon emissions.

That isn't to just dunk on China. Obviously, the same issues are true in the United States as well. Neither is worse than the other, to be frank. But because we have lived in a world devoid of critical thinking, the thing I was concerned about is happening: The extreme pendulum swings.

And to be frank, these extremist perspectives are natural and I am not inherently criticizing them for what they are, it's a teenager's mentality as they are being exposed to new social rules and learning how to integrate into a community. This is how a teenager's brain is functioning in high school and why they are so volatile. I'm not here to judge. Just to note that this is a dangerous thing, objectively. It is dangerous, but also natural and even necessary.

But that's what I meant by “lacking Dialectics”. The inability to engage with two opposing things being true is a dangerous place to be in and makes it extremely easy to radicalize individuals. China is far from perfect, but it isn't worse than the United States. My concern is how this lack of Dialectics, paired with the inherent tunnel vision of social media and emotional volatility of our emotionally immature and stunted society can just as easily breed fanaticism for some Chinese social paradise that genuinely does not exist.

(As an aside, I linked Dialectics in my previous post and realized that it probably didn't make any sense or was just very difficult to understand. So this link is a YouTube video of some guy explaining it to make it easier. My apologies.)

I'm overall supportive of this, hoping that it can radically change people's views towards the world and global communities. I hope this moves moderates to be more progressive and people to be more tolerant of other ideas, values, and societies. I hope people will be more interested in listening to my Marxist ramblings now that Communism is more about funny memes and kind humans and not some scary oppressive government. But there is always a shadow when you stand in the light.

(Which, to be frank, China is not at all a reflection of Marxism or Marxist Communism. The working conditions there are not any better here and labor is still exploited and expendable. They really are no different than the US.)

Don't forget about the shadow is all I ask.

[pulau-harimau]

Setting Profile: Family, Gender, and Language

In this post we explore the kinship system displayed by the colonies of the Island, beliefs about nepotism, colony conceptions of gender and stereotypes about it, and the words for different family members.

This is a huge and very dense post; be warned!

Relationship Hierarchies

In many Western cultures, the most "important" relationship someone has, or the one highest on the relationship hierarchy, is a romantic one. Every person is expected to want and actively seek out a romantic relationship, and once they have one, their romantic partner is expected to be their priority in all things. Even long-time friends and family members are often expected to be held as a "less important" relationship than one's romantic partner, even if the partner is very new.

The colonies of the Island instead view one's siblings (mafhaa), and especially same-gender littermates (fhaa), as the most important relationship in a tiger's life.

Most tigers who have cubs will have 1-2 litters in their life, which usually consist of about 2 cubs each (but may contain as few as 1 and as many as 4). Sibling relationships, and especially the relationships between siblings of the same gender, are very strong from a young age. The assumed relationship between fhaa is similar to the assumed relationship between twins in many Western cultures. It is normal for tigers to feel incomplete without their fhaa, and cubs without fhaa are usually assumed to be somewhat clingier and less well adjusted due to poor early life socialization. Cubs without fhaa are more likely to have strong relationships with any mafhaa of the same gender.

A tiger who shows preferential treatment to a mate or other romantic interest over their fhaa (or sometimes even their mafhaa!) is generally thought of as childish or unreliable. It's the sort of behavior expected out of unruly adolescents, not responsible members of society.

Fhaa are also important because they will socially be considered the parents of your cubs. The colonies of the Island use the Iriquois kinship system, shown here:

Family Relationships

(Note about language: For our purposes, "biological family" includes adopted individuals. The distinction being made is solely between parallel cousins and "full siblings." The colonies are extremely pro-adoption; implying or outright stating that an adopted child isn't a full member of their adopted family in every respect is literally heresy against the goddess Shossuow.)

Your biological parents' same-gender siblings are also considered your parents, and your parallel cousins (the children of your parents' same-gender siblings) are your siblings, your mafhaa. Your primary parents, usually a mother and her fhaa, are formally known as your raowreh, or informally known as your rao. Your secondary parents, usually a father and his fhaa, are formally known as your maowreh, or informally known as your mao.

However, colony tigers also track their blood relationships with their names. In most cases, a colony tiger will simply be known by their own holy name ("Fire Ant,") but upon first introductions, in ceremonies, and in other formal situations, they will be known by their full name tracking their biological same-gender parent (shahafen myrraowreh) and biological same-gender grandparent (garrmwa). For example, a tiger called Fire Ant who is the daughter of Jequirity Drum and granddaughter of Castor Leaf would be formally be called "Fire Ant from Jequirity Drum from Castor Leaf." One's garrmwa, but ESPECIALLY their rao's rao, are also usually quite involved with raising them, just not as much as their rao and mao.

It isn't unheard of to honor a different-gendered biological parent (yyan) or grandparent (garryyan), however. Tigers who have no same-gendered parent or grandparent, tigers who have disowned or been disowned by their same-gendered parent or grandparent, or tigers who have any number of other reasons to honor another ancestor may choose to be called for a different pair of ancestors. However, this decision might come with some societal baggage.

Under this system, it is forbidden to have cubs/become mates with the following types of tigers:

The child of your shahafen myrraowreh (named parent)

The child of the current or former mate of your named parent (yyan)

Someone with the same garrmwa (named grandparent) as you

Your own cubs or grandcubs, naturally!

As a result, it is permissible to have cubs with your cross-cousins (pemm) or nieces/nephews (nipemm). However, Tide's Leap discourages these relationships due to a belief that it promotes nepotism. Furthermore, it is illegal to have cubs with a step-sibling or the child of a parent's former mate (both concepts included under the word korfhaa), whether or not they're actually likely to be blood related to you.

Colony tigers also make a distinction between family (those who are directly and legally related to you) and kin (distant family, close friends, and mates-- anyone in your family who it would be permissible to have cubs with, basically).

Trinary Gender System

The colonies also have a trinary gender system. These genders are usually assigned in early childhood, but it's assumed to be reasonably common for onlookers to be wrong about a cub's gender. It isn't unusual for a cub or adolescent to correct their assigned gender, or even to change their mind about it. However, trying to correct it once you have reached adulthood may lead to a tiger being faced with some amount of confusion or scrutiny, due to an assumption that you should have already known something so essential to your identity. Non-trinary or gender nonconforming tigers may also face some social difficulty.

Additionally, the words used for these genders are subject to change!

Presumed biologically female cats are usually assigned yaow in early childhood. Yaow tigers are stereotyped to be more introverted than other genders and fairly aloof. They are also believed to be very protective, especially of their kin. Due to associations with Shossuow, yaow tigers are also somewhat associated with nighttime. They are expected to internalize their emotions and avoid expressing them, but are known to have potentially violent tempers, especially if their loved ones are threatened. There is a stereotype that yaow tigers are better at hunting and managing camp tasks; as a result, there tends to be a slight bias toward yaow tigers being Heralds, which leads to a mild stereotype that they make better leaders.

Presumed biologically male cats are usually assigned ssuf in early childhood. Ssuf tigers are stereotyped as being passionate, outgoing, and emotional. They're also usually assumed to be very territorial, especially at borders. Despite their outgoing nature, it's usually assumed that they will have fewer friends than yaow tigers. Despite a cultural belief that ssuf tigers need more affection than other genders, there's a taboo against them asking for it directly. Increased aggression and territoriality, especially toward other ssuf tigers (and even within their own family or colony), and especially in adolescence, is more socially acceptable than it is for other genders. Additionally, sexists sometimes have a belief that it isn't safe for ssuf tigers to be around cubs that are not theirs (naturally, their fhaa's cubs do count as being "theirs") because they might harm or kill them out of an abundance of territorial aggression.

Cubs that are not obviously male or female, singletons, suspected fading cubs, cubs born with fever coat, and cubs with unusual physical features (such as extra toes, heterochromia, or an unusual pelt color for their family) are usually assigned meewa in early childhood. Meewa tigers are strongly associated with the goddex Mesha. As a result, it is believed that they generally take longer to mature; childish behaviors will be tolerated longer, but it can be more difficult for meewa tigers who are young adults to be taken seriously. Meewa tigers are believed to remain curious, inquisitive, playful, and young at heart throughout their lives. They are believed to be the best scientists and storytellers, and make excellent babysitters. There is also a stereotype that they are scatterbrained or easily distracted, and a medium cultural taboo against meewa tigers having cubs; this will be explored later, but it means that aroace tigers and neurodivergent tigers are more likely to be assumed to be meewa than their peers. If they have no same-gendered parent, meewa tigers are free to take the name of whichever parent they are closer to, but if only one parent has the ability to carry cubs, the meewa tiger will usually take that parent's name.

Queer Tigers & Queer Families

Queer tigers have some societal struggles. Not many individual tigers are strongly sexist, transphobic, homophobic, or polyphobic, and astronomically few would be moved to violence about it-- but the ingrained culture of the colonies usually makes the lives of societally queer tigers and tigers in families seen as queer by their society noticeably harder.

For example, a tiger who does not easily fit into the trinary gender system or who is gender nonconforming may be seen as childish, unreliable, or irresponsible. Someone who strongly identifies as one gender but acts strongly in line with the stereotypes of another might even be thought of as intentionally dishonest. Tigers with complex relationships to their gender might be thought of as likely to pass on their "confusion" to their cubs, and may have some difficulty finding mates-- or, worse, might become distant or disowned from their fhaa and mafhaa. Transphobic attitudes are reasonably prevalent in the colonies, but usually fairly mild (and mostly targeted at cultural groups with different ideas of gender).

Tigers who enter into same-gender relationships may also face some cultural difficulties if they decide to have biological cubs. Homophobic tigers would believe that tigers in same-gender relationships should focus on raising the cubs of their fhaa and being active in the lives of their nipemm (nieces/nephews), not trying to "complicate" things by having their own cubs. If the couple is able to have cubs of their own (including through adoption), a cub of the same gender as their parents will need to decide which parent will be their shahafen myrraowreh. Because of the social nuances involved in rejecting the name of a biological same-gender parent in favor of your other biological parent, either choice could be seen as disrespectful to the parent & grandparent not chosen. The choice of name for such a cub is always going to be political, and some tigers believe that it's an undue burden to place upon one's child.

Meewa tigers and singletons choosing to have mates and especially cubs are also faced with some amount of social stigma. It is believed that a cub needs at least four parents to grow up well adjusted. Because the most common way to be assigned meewa is to be a singleton, there is a strong association that both groups make poor parents. Singletons, and especially non-meewa singletons, are stereotyped as clingy and emotionally stunted-- and, due to the association with meewa tigers, somewhat childish. Meewa tigers are stereotyped as being easily distracted, head-in-the-clouds types or as fun babysitters who would make terrible parents. It is believed (again, to varying degrees by different individuals!) that neither type of tiger is likely to pass on favorable personality traits to their offspring, and especially that both will produce maladjusted cubs who don't have a good understanding of how to behave socially. Additionally, if a meewa tiger has cubs, it is reasonably likely that there will be a yaow or ssuf cub who will have to decide which parent to honor with their name (see: the same-gender parent problem).

Perhaps counterintuitively, polyamorous relationships are looked down upon by most colony tigers. While it is believed that a cub needs at least four parents, it is seen as childish and even outright disrespectful to give the co-parent roles to mates rather than one's fhaa. Furthermore, any polyamorous relationship is guaranteed to include at least one meewa tiger or a same-gender relationship, if not both-- so the associated stereotypes with each situation are included. In a situation where there are multiple tigers in a romantic relationship who aren't snubbing their fhaa, there is a strong chance that there will be more than eight parents involved, which is believed to be equally bad for a cub's development-- the cultural belief is that at that point, they're being raised by so many tigers that they may as well be an orphan being raised communally.

Additionally, having multiple litters by different tigers is frowned upon. Not only is it considered a sign of dishonesty or unreliability to have had multiple serious mates, but the cubs of any of your past mates are ineligible to be mates with your cubs, even if they aren't blood related. (Or, to simplify: Jane has a child with John. They break up. John has a child with Alice, named Kate. Jane has a child with Joe, named Bob. Bob and Kate have no parents or relatives in common, but if they got married, the colonies would consider it incest.) If you have five ex-mates, you're assumed to be setting up any of your cubs (OR their cubs!) for failure. Furthermore, dishonesty and bad character are believed to be hereditary. If you are the type of person who for whatever reason can't keep a wife, it's assumed that your cubs will be the same way. As a result, tigers with previous, still-living mates tend to have a hard time finding new ones, even if the previous relationships were toxic or dangerous.

Family Word Recap

A summary of the vocabulary.

named parent/biological primary parent - shahafen myrraowreh*

mate (current or former) of named parent - yyan

named grandparent - garrmwa

unnamed grandparent - garryyan (rarely used)

primary parents - raowreh, rao*

secondary parents - maowreh, mao*

same-gender littermate - fhaa

other siblings** - mafhaa

rao's mafhaa - raohhr

mao's mafhaa - maohhr

cross-cousins/children of your raohrr or maohrr - pemm

nieces/nephews/niblings, children of your pemm - moopemm

law-siblings*** - korfhaa

your cub from a first litter - moowr

your cub from a second litter - moowri

your cub from a third litter - moowr'eef

*As a point of clarification, "shahafen myrraowreh" is a purely legal term. Colony tigers make no distinction in common conversation between their biological primary parent and that parent's fhaa (this set of tigers being their raowreh), or between their biological secondary parent and that parent's fhaa (this set of tigers being their maowreh). "Rao" and "mao" are assumed plural unless otherwise specified.

**"Other siblings" for colony purposes includes parallel cousins, different gender littermates, biological full siblings from other litters, and half-siblings.

***Not to be confused with the English term "siblings-in-law," although it's sometimes used colloquially to mean that. In legal terms, your korfhaa are your step siblings and the half-siblings of your half-siblings; tigers you aren't blood related to, but who you are legally forbidden to be mates with. It isn't illegal to have cubs with your sibling-in-law, so they are not legally your korfhaa; a tiger who refers to a sibling-in-law as their korfhaa is just acknowledging that the SIL is a relative they have a somewhat awkward/convoluted relationship to, who it would be weird to have cubs with.

[xxxstraightfromtheheartxxx]

Read my tags first, ran out of space.

Note: I change my mind a few times throughout this text post, what I began with is not entirely what I ended with. And I’m not even sure of the ‘conclusion’ I got to. However I’m too tired to try and figure the rest out about it right now. Might change this post later when I have made up my mind or got more questions about it. Heads up! Spelling- and other mistakes in writing, were made. Frequently.

I know my tags make me a hypocrite and that’s one of the judgemental thought processes I’ve been fighting/growing against most for a while now.

I expect people to think similarly to me about this and that’s not within my right, they don’t owe me anything for the choice I decided to make and put the hard work in for. That I’ve suffered for it and for the patience I’ve had to bring up towards others being judgemental and having prejudices they didn’t fight within themselves. The frustration I keep feeling every time I have to explain to other adults how to respect accept and see minorities or marginalised groups as equal in worth to themselves. It’s so tiring, and I’m just white, I can’t imagine what it must be like to try and have these conversations to protect yourself and your family and friends and loved ones over and over again whilst still experiencing racist comments assumptions treatment behaviour bullying exclusion exploitation… through systemic racism, racist communities,through so many facets of their lives.

I feel like I’ve been shouting for equality. Not sure if that’s the best most respectful word for it in english, in my language literally translated our word means ‘equally worthy”. And to me that means that from birth we should all be treated with the same amount of respect love and acceptance. It’s only society, nurture that causes this inequality to exist, that not only allows but encourages prejudices and othering for power. Shouting at people who seemingly just refuse to open their eyes, minds and hearts and keep humanity from growing into healthier behavioural patterns in the future. They refuses to put in more effort to try our best to avoid wars, make the idea of hurting another person out of anything other than self defence, be heavily rejected, punished. Instead of not saving each other out of fear for economic and political threats to our own habitants and countries. To be unified so firmly by the absolute belief that violence is wrong, that those fears wouldn’t even be an issue because we’re all know all the other countries will still have our backs and we’d be able to function without the country that’s trying to start or continue a war, while only having to put in mild effort to be entirely independent from the threatening county, as humanity instead of as “individual countries”. It would cut the county/group at war of their resources entirely, which would endanger them to much to be able to actually be able to hold out being at war and making an actual big difference in the big picture of our common humanity. I know there are many weapons that could destroy so many at the same time, yet they would be poisoning the ground they so gladly wish to live on. (Ofcourse this is an ideal that is almost utopian).

This is the goal I thought we were all collectively working towards throughout our entire lives. To eventually be able to all come together in the far away future. All of the warmhearted people in the world.

And therefore we have to start within our small circle of influence and be open to try and learn to understand and respect each other with our differences and similarities, To expect people to be good and ourselves to put effort in it.

However completely swerved away from my original point. But it is the root of that frustration, hurt, disappointment and envy I experience when I see or hear or feel negative judgement .

People have been calling me stern and too strict and rigid in thought more in the last 4 years. It’s because I’ve been responding to prejudices and discriminatory behaviour and ideas verbally, and I have to admit about 50% of the time quite hard, not disrespectful, but clear. I’ve been setting boundaries over what way there can be spoken about others and myself with me. This week I even threatened to leave the room and wouldn’t continue conversing with them if they didn’t then stop casually using the n-word, while knowing it is wrong and hurtful and what my opinion and feeling was towards it. They called my stern and frowned and sighed but at least could bring it up not to say it with me around anymore. I know I haven’t changed their behaviour without my presence this way and it saddens me to feel them rejecting that part of myself that’s at the core of me. My moral core believe of equality.

When people won’t widen their view for one minority it makes me feel unsafe as part of multiple other minorities. I’m a queer womxn with persistent mental health issues, who isn’t able to work because of it and I’m neurodivergent and have some invisible fysical issues (I have loads of allergies which used to give me big rashes of eczema in my envoys and knees and later hands and feet, it has improved a lot, the amount of allergies keeps expanding though) ( I have a very small amount of energy compared to most people my age because of having to put in too much effort as a child and teen) to take care of others and secretly fighting feelings of depression). I’m lucky to be middle-class, white and have affordable healthcare here. All of these other aspects have made life harder for me throughout my entire life. Yet others have mostly blamed me and pestered me, excluded and avoided me for my inabilities and difference, including the inability to l love men.

It feels unfair that I try so hard to be accepting, understand and respectful of others, and not get the same amount of effort and care back… which is hypocrite of me, because the people I want to make the biggest changes never asked me to do all that. And while their lives are often so much easier specifically on the those societal aspects, does that make them owe me that effort back?

I feel like yes, they should, because they have more space for it, for questioning their prejudices than us. Because of the privileges of the main beliefs in their society, they didn’t have to lift a finger for throughout their entire lives. For all of the freedom and respect they’ve just got thrown in their laps, that took up so much of our lives for us to assemble a resemblance to their quality of life.

(Many people who have to fight for their lives daily, do not have that time or space so they only get to grow slower and are part of minority or marginalised groups as well. Bc evidently their is a lot of prejudice within those groups towards the other groups who are also being pressed down.)

I don’t know if I still think it’s hypocrite of me to expect people to put effort in being good. I don’t think so. The length they are able to go through to make those improvements however, I should bare in mind stronger again, like I used to.

If I give up on following my moral compass on this, I’ll never be the person I hope to be one day. I do feel like I deserve to give myself a break and be forgiving about those negative thoughts because they come from a desire for righteousness and good. Recognise, reject, correct, forgive and trust that I’ll do better next time because it is what I truly want to in the long run. I show myself to not always respond and to better pick my battles, so I can persevere and rebuild my energy for when I can make a bigger impact In the braided context or my own. However when I notice bad behaviour or judgement towards others, I do use little parts of it to give them a correcting look or to speak up for someone else or recently even for myself.

Totally did not see this rant coming!!

I knew this theme has been more at the front of my mind again recently and that I’ve been prickly about it, yet I hasn’t reflected on its origin as deeply as I did just now. So here, little amount of people this will reach, have some personal information from my brain and my heart.

.

I’ve been typing this for so long and my attention span has loosened throughout writing. I don’t supposes I’ve managed to make everything clear, I got more and more tired and created some weird sentence structures and maybe grammar and def phrasing to try to get my point through or at least comprehended.

Don’t come at me about the war part, I know it is unrealistic to achieve anything like that in our lifetimes.

Yet I’m holding onto this dream for dear life. Otherwise what is there? To grow towards, to live for? It all comes to recognising, appreciating, sharing and maintaining the good there is now and nurturing the good to come.

The way you change your immediate reactions to things is that you catch yourself having an uncharitable/bigoted/overly judgmental thought and you catch it and replace it and then you do that a hundred times a day for your whole life and eventually one day like five years later you realize that you think differently now and you’ll always be working on something but that’s how life goes and that’s fine.

[acorn-training]

3 Keys to Unlock Student Leadership Development Pt. 2

A Teacher’s Perspective to Student Leadership Development

In this article, an MOE-trained teacher shares her views on developing student leaders during their Secondary School years. She highlights three main aspects by which teachers can enable and empower students to thrive as leaders.

These are (1) agency, (2) belief and (3) communication respectively. Each will be dealt with in detail in the article, do note that in practice, these should overlap and not be exercised individually.

If you haven’t read the first half, read Part 1 first!

Part 1

COMMUNICATION

Communication is a key area that we must address at the onset. From the words that we say, to our dress and our body language. Our students read us as a whole being, not merely hearing the words we say, or we think we are saying. For example, a teacher comes in to brief his leaders, but he is taking attendance methodically and reading instructions off a paper without making any eye contact. Students know immediately not to bother listening for their teacher is not actually speaking to them, he is merely trying to complete his task.

On the flip side, if a teacher entered the room smiling and greeting each child in turn. Having learnt everyone’s names, they all sit, and he begins to outline the tasks they need to tackle together as a student leadership body. Then the students will know to take this teacher and their role seriously, because the teacher respects them as individuals and views them as important persons.

Whilst the hardware of communication is important, the software is really what keeps the students vested. A communications trainer may highlight the importance of presenting the tasks clearly, projecting one’s voice loudly or crafting messages and e-mails skilfully to seal a deal. Developing student leaders requires all that and more. As mentioned in the prelude, prescriptive style task-orientation no longer applies today.

Instead, teachers make suggestions and communicate clear expectations or outcomes. Once students have a clarity of task and a common goal, they set out to achieve them in their own ways. Our role as educators stops as providing the objectives and the development comes in facilitating our leaders to reach that same end. However, if we are vague with assigned tasks and unapproachable, we fail in our communication and cannot expect our students to thrive. This brings us nicely to the other bottom end of the triangle – agency.

AGENCY

Tasks in and of themselves are dead. Plan a teachers’ day celebration. Conduct a survey of student satisfaction of the canteen. Run a camp for incoming year-one students. Essentially, you could take the same programme or the same survey and run them alternate years again and again. Yet our aim is not to simply run the show but to develop the leaders behind each camp, each major school event etc.

After communicating clearly – sharing the intended outcomes sincerely, ensuring they know they can depend on us for constructive feedback and back up. We then release the students, with proper handles – students who are given agency will thrive. The reason is simple, they too want to succeed.

It must be said that putting the right tool in the right student’s hand is critical for development. The most straightforward way of doing that would be knowing our students’ strengths and weaknesses. Whilst working as a team, who contributes the most creative ideas, who quietly observes? Which student organises the notes, which one then delegates the task and who finally gets the work done?

There are many strengths assessments available in the market today should we want to formally assess our students. But the most dependable way would be to spend time with them. It is under pressure or over months where their true colours come through, and it is the student developer’s responsibility to know their students well enough to assign the right assignment.

For us educators, it may be our ninth or tenth graduation ceremony or school fair, but for our student leaders, this might be the first or last one they are planning in their secondary school career. At fourteen or fifteen, these school events that we consider ‘work’ might be for them a core memory which they take to adulthood. As such, we give them agency, the space to be creative but also the tools to succeed.

Giving our leaders agency does not mean dropping the ball and allowing them to run the show. It could look like being present in a meeting, but instead of conducting it, being a quiet and affirming presence. It could also look like giving timely advice whilst planning safeguards lest they fail. A fine balancing act, when executed well, would seem like the students did most of the work on their own. That is when a student developer can truly say, job well done!

BELIEF

At the apex of the student leadership development triangle then sits belief. With open and trustworthy communication channels coupled with scaffolded platforms enabling agency, we come to the crux of growth – belief. Primary school science teaches us that plants need sunlight, water, and air to grow. But we know that even in the presence of these three elements, many of our plants take more than that to grow, much less thrive.

We live in very busy times. The advancement of technology has brought about immense workload for the average working adult. In a typical work week, the secondary school student may have more time with their form teacher than their parents or caregivers. This does not mean to say we seek to replace the role of parents, but it does mean that students depend on their teachers for emotional support now more than ever before.

Whilst communication and agency will result in competent doers, the heart of the matter lies in belief. Having them do something in actuality is very different from believing in their ability to do it. What then does belief look like in practice? This might look like praising them in front of fellow teachers while they are within earshot, entrusting them tasks that are slightly beyond their current ability or affirming the slightest initiatives and ideations on their part.

Did you know that it takes 10 positive statements to debunk a single criticism? When was the last time you praised a student for a job well done? Would you keep that in mind the next time you want to say a harsh word to a child?

If you want a student to do, give them a list. If you want a student to lead, give them agency. But if, as a student developer, you truly want your students to thrive, then believe in their ability to succeed, even if it is only at the infancy stage. Build on their achievements, praise their present strengths and encourage them to push boundaries.

CONCLUSION

In my first appraisal after having led the student council for a year, the vice-principal was very frank with me. She mentioned that she had the urge to replace me at the mid-year mark, as she saw my student development style as very hands-off and seemingly laissez-faire. But she decided to wait until term three where a zone-wide national day rally would be held across six different schools. It was at that event rehearsal where it dawned on her, something was very different about the student leaders from our school.

They could be seen (and heard) leading smaller groups of leaders, coordinating the rehearsal schedule and engaging in critical problem-solving without the teacher’s intervention. One was even made the overall student in-charge by a teacher at another school. To have the affirmation of my vice-principal was one thing, to see the students’ thrive at leadership was my true reward.

For them to trust us, we need to communicate with sincerity and integrity. For them to initiate and develop resilience when problems arise, we need to equip them with the right amount of agency. But beyond all that we can say (communicate) and do (agency), student developers need to have faith (belief) that our students are innately leaders in their own right and that they too want to succeed.

[ronaldcwilliams]

Process Server Communication: What You Need to Know?

Whether you're a process server or just someone who's dealt with one, you may have noticed that the job itself is a little...misunderstood. While some believe process servers are bounty hunters, others believe that they are simply glorified paper carriers. There is one thing that remains true in all of this confusion: if we all could communicate effectively with process servers, the world would be a much better place.

The purpose of a process server is to continue the legal situation or case. As a process server, you must deliver documents to someone who is a legal entity involved in the case. This could be for a lawsuit, contracts, or the requirement to appear in court. You should always treat these working professionals with the same courtesy and respect you would expect from them.

The following are some key reminders for communicating with process servers:

Be Never Aggressive

An aggressive attitude toward a Houston process server is unnecessary. They are human beings performing an essential service that is authorized and certified by the Supreme Court. They have similar rights and expectations as you.

The verification documents of a process server will most likely be based on their swearing, threatening, or aggressive behavior. Having that kind of situation can reflect badly on you, and you'll want to take advantage of every advantage you can so that you come out of this situation as favorably as possible.

Respectful & Simple Conversations

Whenever you talk to a process server, you should be polite and respectful. Do not argue with them, do not get aggressive, do not be rude or condescending, and don’t threaten them with anything. If you decide to be argumentative because you think it will help your case in court or whatever other reason, keep in mind that all it will do is make the process server more determined to serve you.

You should also avoid asking things that are easy to answer with a yes or no (in fact, don't ask questions at all!). And finally, never ever use sarcasm with someone representing the courthouse or the judge.

Process Server Rights

A process server conducts court business, but they are also human beings with the same rights as you. Especially if the process server reports your actions to the police, you could face jail time if you act violently toward a process server. If you left your package at the door, you wouldn't attack an Amazon delivery driver, so why would you attack a process server?

Limit your responses

This is a legal case. A process server writes a detailed report that could include any language or facts you say. Don't ask the process server about their personal life. It is not your place to inquire about a person's job, religious beliefs, political views, or sexual orientation. It is probably none of your business, but this may also be considered harassment, which could result in you being in trouble with law enforcement. You simply need to say "thank you."

Take a look at the judge

Imagine a judge overseeing your interactions with a process server when communicating with them. You do not want a bad reputation or something as small as an ill-timed joke to negatively affect your credibility. Instead, stay professional and focus your energy on contacting your legal counsel to clear up the situation so the process server can move on to their next assignment.

Wrapping it up

Serving someone can be intimidating, but it doesn't have to be uncomfortable. Your case will run much more smoothly if you are calm and respectful with the process server. Make sure you are honest about your location in order to avoid any future legal problems. You don't need to be violent or confrontational with the process server when he knocks on your door—he's just doing his job.

We at Houston process server treat our clients and recipients with utmost respect and dignity. We do not take sides in cases and simply want to provide accurate, professional, and reliable service. To learn more about our team or engage with our process serving services around the greater Houston area, please use our intake form. We are happy to collaborate with law enforcement, courts, law firms, government agencies, and other legal entities.

[ledenews]

Storch: We All Need a Little Grace and Kindness

In today’s polarized world, the divide between different political views often feels overwhelming. The rhetoric has grown increasingly hostile, and the willingness to engage in civil conversation has all but diminished. Amid this environment, it is imperative that we, as individuals and as a society, strive to display more grace and kindness towards those with different political beliefs. This approach is a necessary and pragmatic strategy for fostering understanding and cooperation in our communities. Polarization in politics is not new, but its intensity has reached new, unprecedented levels in recent years. Social media, 24-hour news cycles, and algorithm-driven content have strengthened the spread of divisive messages, creating echo chambers where individuals only hear the views representing their beliefs. This has led to situations where disagreements often escalate into hostility, and compromise is non-negotiable. Grace and kindness are powerful tools for bridging divides. Grace involves giving others the benefit of the doubt, assuming a positive intent, and being willing to forgive. On the other hand, kindness is the act of showing generosity, consideration, and empathy toward others, without expecting praise or reward in return. Together, these qualities can transform how we interact with those who have different political views. One of the most effective ways to display grace and kindness is through meaningful dialogue. Instead of immediately dismissing opposing viewpoints, we should strive to understand the underlying reasons for others’ beliefs. This requires active listening and a genuine curiosity about their perspectives. By asking questions and engaging in thoughtful conversations, we can uncover the basis of common ground and shared values, even if there is disagreement on specific issues.   For example, a conversation about healthcare might indicate both people care deeply about ensuring access to medical services, even if they have different ideas as to how to achieve the goal. Recognizing these shared values can humanize the other person and help reduce the sense of “us versus them.” Leaders in politics, the media, and other community organizations have a significant role in promoting grace and kindness. By modeling respectful behavior and emphasizing the importance of unity, they can set a tone that encourages others to follow suit. When leaders focus on collaboration rather than confrontation, they can inspire their followers to do the same. There are a few practical steps that can display more grace and kindness in one’s daily life. First, pause before responding. Who has not been in a heated discussion? If one would pause, giving them a few minutes to think before responding, imagine knee-jerk reactions that could have been avoided. This would allow a few moments to craft a more thoughtful and respectful reply.  Also, seek common ground or areas of agreement and shared values. This can serve as a foundation for more productive conversations.   Choose words carefully. By using words that are respectful and avoiding inflammatory language, the conversation can remain constructive and will not devolve into personal attacks. This can also aid with acknowledging valid points of the other person’s argument. Even if you do not agree with their overall thought process, acknowledging the valid points shown in their perspective can show you are listening and value their input. Finally, when discussing contentious issues, aim to educate rather than alienate. Present facts calmly and rationally without belittling the other person. Embracing grace and kindness in political discourse offers numerous benefits. It can reduce stress and anxiety, foster stronger relationships, and create a stronger, more unified community. On a broader scale, it can lead to more effective governance, as leaders who prioritize collaboration are more likely to find sustainable solutions to complex problems. Moreover, displaying grace and kindness can serve as a powerful example to younger people. Children and teenagers are keen observers of adult behavior. By modeling respectful and empathetic interactions, we can instill these values in future generations. In a world where political divisions seem to grow deeper by the day, the need for grace and kindness has never been more urgent. By making a concerted effort to understand and respect those with different political views, we can begin to heal the fractures in our society. This does not mean one has to abandon their principles and beliefs, but rather approach interactions with empathy and an open mind. Through grace and kindness, we can build bridges instead of walls, fostering a more inclusive and harmonious community for all.   Read the full article

[michaelbranch]

A Brief Summary of Ideas: How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes

*These summaries are kept intentionally very brief, just hitting what I consider some of the important/interesting takeaways, most word-for-word or paraphrased. My goal is also to stick to ideas/principals that might guide others (or my future self) in deciding the value of a read (or re-reading). T = takeaway, Q = Question

How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes: Science-Backed Strategies for Better Parenting – From Tots to Teens

Author(s): Melinda Wenner Moyer

Parenting presents us with infinite opportunities to teach our kids values.

How to raise kids who aren’t overly selfish.

Kindness reaps its own rewards.

1)Talk about, validate, and help your kids manage emotions.

Kids have to recognize and understand emotions in order to figure out and manage their own feelings.

Consider other peoples feelings and encourage your kids to do the same.

When parents discipline their kids with explanations of how their actions affect others, kids are more likely to grasp the significance of their actions.

Validate your kids feelings, even when they seem over the top.

2)Create opportunities for your kids to help.

For older kids have them routinely expected to help, for younger kids, give them the choice might work better.

3) Make your expectations explicit, and discuss them as a family.

Kids aren’t born knowing values, we have to be explicit. Helps to explain why you’re asking your kid to do what you’re asking.

Draw up a list of family values or rules.

4) Model kindness in your daily choices.

Think about whether your actions reflect what you want your kids to see.

How to raise kids who are ambitious, resilient, and motivated.

Grit and motivation are good for parents to focus on (instead of ability/achievement).

1)Encourage kids to try new, fun, hard things.

Grit is built from four components: interest, practice, purpose, and hope.

Hard thing rule: kids have to do something fun that also requires deliberate practice, and they can’t quite in the middle of the season.

2)Praise effort, not skill/smarts.

3)Teach strategies to minimize procrastination.

At its core procrastination isn’t about time management. It’s rooted in boredom, fear, or frustration so we turn to other things.

4)Don’t rely too much on rewards.

How to raise kids who don’t bully-and help those who are bullied.

Bullying is a continuum, and a child’s involvement and role can change from day to day.

Bullying has to be repeated, deliberate harassment or abuse. Typically it’s done to impress, gain power/attention, and boost position on the social ladder.

1)Talk about bullying.

Encourage kids to do something when they see bullying (depends on instance. Could be intervene, could be tell a teacher or comfort bullied).

2)Teach your kid about anger.

3)Know what to do if your kid is bullying.

Discuss why it’s unacceptable and explain expectations. Teach to always treat others with dignity and respect.

Consider an appropriate punishment.

4)Take action if your kid is being bullied.

5)Encourage your kid’s school to fight bullying effectively.

How to raise kids who won’t lie or swear (at least not when it matters)

1)Identify causes, and model the behavior you want to see.

2)React calmly, ask questions, and explain how words can hurt.

3)React calmly and emphasize the importance of honesty.

Honesty is essential for strong, loving relationships.

Try to separate the lie from the misdeed.

4)Be open with your kids about your life.

How to raise kids who aren’t sexist

1)Watch your language.

Shouldn’t unnecessarily highlight gender in conversations not about gender.

Avoid making generic statements that lump all boys or girls into a single category.

2)Encourage cross-gender friendships and interactions.

3)Rid your home of stereotypes—as best you can.

4)Discuss gender discrimination.

Use everyday experiences as conversation starters.

Tell your kids exactly what your beliefs are on sexism and gender.

How to raise kids who have healthy self-esteem—but aren’t narcissistic

1)Tell your kids you love them for who they are—not what they do.

Regularly discuss your values with your kids and respect their perspective.

Turn disappointing moments into growth opportunities: cool down, connect. Offer soft criticism. Move forward.

2)Praise your kids, but be mindful of how.

Don’t “inflate” praise.

Preferable to praise for effort instead of skills/ability.

3)Let your kids fail, then reframe their failures.

Learning how to navigate challenges is a key aspect of self-growth and self-esteem.

Ex. “I know you feel terrible right now, and that’s ok. When you’re feeling better let’s talk—some good can come from thinking through why and how this happened.”

How to raise kids who aren’t racist.

Research suggest the “colorblind” approach doesn’t work.

1)Educate yourself and reflect on your privileges and biases.

2)Explicitly discuss race—without shaming your kids.

3)Let your kids experience and enjoy diversity.

Cross racial friendships can make a huge difference for promoting acceptance and reducing prejudice.

4)Talk to kids about racism and show them how to fight it.

Shaping behaviors and values

Parenting style: the emotional climate that parents create that shapes their attitudes toward, expectations of, and interactions with their children.

Kids who thrive the most are those with authoritative parents.

Authoritative parents typically start with clarification and reasoning. Willing to listen and negotiate. Punishment is a last resort.

1)Respond to misbehavior with empathy, then guidance.

When kids misbehave it can be an opportunity to see what skills they need to work on or for us to share our values.

Ask: why did my child act this way. What lesson do I want to teach in this moment. How can I best teach this lesson.

Teach them acceptable things they can do when they’re angry.

2)If you use time-outs, do them right.

The effort parents put into time out determines whether it will work.

Time-outs generally only work in positive contexts because they need to be a deterrent.

Always ask yourself is your child’s behavior is defiant or if they just don’t have the skills you think they do.

Keep explanations short; state clearly what violation behavior was. Don’t require an apology at the end.

Rule of thumb is one minute per year old.

3)Model healthy emotional behavior.

Identify your own triggers and notice when you’re about to lose your cool—then don’t.

It’s ok to apologize for losing your cool. Don’t beat yourself up.

Helping siblings get along

1)Teach your kids to consider their siblings feelings.

“See it your way, see it my way.”

2)Don’t compare your kids.

Kids might interpret the comparisons as critiques. Labels can limit growth or self esteem and fuel rivalry.

3)Try for equality, but don’t fret over it.

Equal treatment doesn’t always mean fair treatment.

4)Don’t force your kids to share your timeline.

Have them take “self regulated” turns if they both want the same thing. Enourage waiting or doing something else.

5)Be a mediator, not an arbitrator.

Lay down the ground rules. Ask each to describe what happened. Encourage them to discuss their feelings and asking each child to repeat what the other said. Help brainstorm solutions.

Managing screens, games, and social media

We need to model the behaviors and choices we want to see in our kids.

Kids can do many different things on screens. The type of app or video matters.

1)Don’t monitor; mentor.

Helping kids make good decisions is more effective than trying to protect them from everything.

The idea is to research, explore, and use screens with our kids.

2)Create a digital road map for your family.

Screen time limits, permission, media curfew, physical location of devices and usage, encourage shared media usage, what if they want a new app or game, sharing rules, rules around sharing photos and other content.

3)Teach your kids about privacy.

4)Put down your phone.

Talking to kids about sex and pornography

1)Talk about it all—body parts, boundaries, privacy, harassment, consent, and gender stereotypes.

Tell our kids they’re in charge of their own bodies (and others are in charge of theirs), and no one should be touched without consent.

Tell your kids to tell you if someone touches them inappropriately (tell them what this means).

2)Answer questions honestly and briefly, and don’t worry if you mess up.

3)With older kids, regularly discuss the rules of consent—and accept they can have loving relationships.

4)Talk to your kids about sexting and porn.

Key point to make is that a lot of porn is unrealistic. It’s entertainment/fantasy.

If they still watch porn after your discussion, consider letting it go unless it’s a problem.

Parenting is hard!!

[kenwords-blog]

How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

Setting boundaries is an essential aspect of maintaining healthy relationships and preserving our well-being. However, many individuals struggle with setting boundaries due to the fear of disappointing others or feeling guilty about asserting their needs. In this article, we will explore effective strategies and techniques to help you set boundaries without experiencing guilt.

Understanding the Importance of Boundaries

Before diving into the techniques, it's crucial to understand the significance of boundaries in our lives. Boundaries act as personal guidelines that define the limits and acceptable behaviors in our relationships. They enable us to protect our emotional and physical well-being while ensuring mutual respect and understanding. When we set boundaries, we communicate our needs, expectations, and limitations to others. By doing so, we establish healthier relationships built on trust, respect, and open communication. Setting boundaries also helps us maintain a healthy work-life balance, avoid burnout, and protect our personal time and energy.

Recognize Your Worth and Prioritize Self-Care

To set boundaries effectively, it's vital to recognize your own worth and prioritize self-care. Remember that your needs and well-being are just as important as anyone else's. Acknowledge that setting boundaries is not selfish but a necessary act of self-preservation. Prioritizing self-care involves understanding your limits, respecting your emotions, and nurturing your physical and mental health. By taking care of yourself, you become better equipped to support and contribute positively to your relationships.

Identify Your Boundaries

To set boundaries, you must first identify and define them clearly. Reflect on your personal values, beliefs, and what is important to you in different aspects of your life such as relationships, work, and social interactions. Consider what behaviors, actions, or situations make you uncomfortable or drain your energy. Once you have a clear understanding of your boundaries, articulate them in a concise and assertive manner. For example, if you value your personal time in the evenings, you could set a boundary by kindly stating, "I need some time to unwind and recharge in the evenings, so I won't be available for phone calls or meetings after 7 p.m."

Communicate Clearly and Assertively

Effective communication is key when setting boundaries without feeling guilty. Clearly and assertively express your needs, limitations, and expectations to others. Use "I" statements to express how certain behaviors or situations make you feel. Avoid aggressive or passive-aggressive language when setting boundaries. Instead, choose a calm and confident tone, focusing on expressing your perspective and needs without blaming or criticizing others. Remember, you have the right to establish boundaries that support your well-being.

Practice Saying No

Learning to say "no" is a crucial aspect of setting boundaries. Many people find it challenging to decline requests or invitations, fearing they may disappoint or upset others. However, saying "yes" when you want to say "no" can lead to feelings of resentment, overwhelm, and a lack of personal fulfillment. Practice saying "no" in a respectful and polite manner. Offer a brief explanation if necessary but avoid over-justifying or feeling obligated to provide a lengthy excuse. Remember, you have the right to decline requests that don't align with your priorities or values.

Be Consistent and Firm

Setting boundaries requires consistency and firmness. It's important to reinforce your boundaries consistently over time, as people may test them or unintentionally overstep them. Be prepared to reinforce your boundaries and remind others when necessary. Maintain a firm stance when communicating your boundaries. Avoid wavering or compromising excessively, as this may result in others not taking your boundaries seriously. Consistency and firmness demonstrate your commitment to self-care and reinforce the importance of respecting your boundaries.

Address Guilt and Self-Doubt

Guilt and self-doubt often accompany the process of setting boundaries. However, it's important to address and overcome these emotions to establish healthier boundaries successfully. Recognize that feeling guilty does not mean you are doing something wrong. Remind yourself that setting boundaries is an act of self-care and self-respect. Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends or a therapist who can help you navigate these emotions and provide reassurance.

Celebrate Your Progress

Setting boundaries is an ongoing process that takes time and practice. Celebrate your progress along the way, even if it feels small. Recognize and acknowledge the positive impact setting boundaries has on your well-being and relationships. By celebrating your progress, you reinforce the importance of setting boundaries and motivate yourself to continue prioritizing self-care and healthy relationships.

Conclusion

Setting boundaries without feeling guilty is an essential skill for maintaining our well-being and fostering healthy relationships. By understanding the importance of boundaries, recognizing our worth, and prioritizing self-care, we can establish clear boundaries that protect our emotional and physical well-being. Remember to identify your boundaries, communicate them clearly and assertively, practice saying "no," and be consistent and firm in reinforcing them. Address any feelings of guilt or self-doubt along the way and celebrate your progress. By setting boundaries with confidence and self-assurance, you can create a balanced and fulfilling life that respects your needs and values while nurturing meaningful connections with others.

Looking to take your personal development journey even further?

Check out "The Mental Time Travel System," an extraordinary program. Drawing upon decades of experience in hypnosis and metaphysics, as well as cutting-edge concepts like Brief Therapy and Narrative Psychology, this system goes beyond anything you've ever encountered before. Through profound insights and effective methods, "The Mental Time Travel System" unlocks the secrets of the Universe, offering you the tools to manifest anything you desire, including "The Big 3." If you're ready to take your manifestations to new heights and create a life of abundance and fulfillment, this program is a must-have resource. Please note that by using the affiliate link provided, you support our website at no additional cost to you. Take the next step on your personal development journey and explore "The Mental Time Travel System" today! Disclaimer: We may receive a commission for purchases made through this affiliate link. I hope this blog has inspired you to learn more about public speaking and to consider giving it a try Are you ready to take your life to the next level? If you’re looking for ways to improve your happiness, productivity, relationships, or overall well-being, then you need to check out our self-help and self-improvement blog. We’ve got articles on everything from breaking bad habits to setting and achieving your goals. We’ll also help you find your purpose in life and learn how to live a more mindful and intentional life. So what are you waiting for? Start reading the  PERSONAL GROWTH and WEALTH BUILDING  categories today and see how you can transform your life! Read the full article

[lathinhalei]

Imagine this with me for a moment. A 16 year old gets their first job. They work two 8 hour shifts a week, getting paid $15/hour. They work 52 weeks a year. They make $12,480 a year.

Their parents cover their cost of living, so this money is used at the child's discretion. They decide to get their own cell phone and pay about $100 a month for the plan. They'll probably spend a bit on random stuff too, so let's say they end up with $9000 at the end of the year.

They put this money into a savings account. They work and spend the same amount the following year, when they are 17. At 18 they do a leap year, to improve their grade average or do a few more courses (super common when I was that age). Again they work and spend the same amount.

They now have $27,000 in their savings account. After graduation, they decide to take a year off school. They work full time. They still live with their parents, but maybe they end up spending around $600 a month for a few extras like food, clothing, and pitching in with bills.

They make $31,200 that year and add $24,000 to their savings account - bringing their total savings up to $51,000.

The average yearly tuition for university in Canada (my country) is $6,463 - $25,852 for a four year degree.

They become the first person in their family to go to university. They leave debt free.

So yes, a high school junior should absolutely be paid $15 an hour.

Guarantee you the OP is a white dude who is collecting unemployment.

[its-a-ittle-bit-cold]

You’ll be safe (to feel our grace)

Jamie Tartt/reader bc there’s a devastating shortage of these fics, Jamie Tartt Imagine

tw: child abuse, violence, language and just be careful

requested? no

posted on ao3 under uhm_why_not

It was a bad beat against Man City. In fact, it was worse than bad. The locker room is quiet when you enter, fully expecting this.

You remember these games. When the match was so hard you would go home and get drunk alone or not say a single word on the bus ride back. 

In your fourteen weeks at Richmond, you’d never seen the team this quiet, never seen Dani not try and cheer people up, or Ted make some weird analogy that puts things in the perspective of a guy from Kansas.

They all barely glance at you. you traverse the locker room and make small conversation with Beard, who is standing with his arms crossed and hat tipped down near the far wall.

“Peter Wasnowski wants to talk to you,” you say. Beard meets your eyes. “He wants an honest perspective instead of Ted’s happy-go-lucky schtick.”

While you appreciated Ted’s enthusiasm and belief, sometimes being a coach is worth more than cheer twenty-four seven. As his strategic and medical coordinator, it was up to you to bring him back and to make a good reflection on the team, especially after a loss like this. Beard, stoic, silent, but wise, was your solution.

Beard acknowledges this, but when he makes for the door, a security guard peeks his head in. “Mister Tartt, you’ve a guest. Says he’s your father.” Ah, shit.

Jamie’s told you about his dad. Not much, only that he never had a great relationship with him, not now, not ever. He's always been painted in your eyes as a dick.

That's another factor to your Richmond experience: Jamie Tartt. he’s a soccer legend (although he makes fun of you calling it soccer), and he used to be a grade-A asshole, so you’ve heard from Sam and Roy. He’s Keeley, your best friend’s ex-boyfriend, and so you’ve heard your fair share of horror stories about how he used to be.

And yet…

Ever since you’ve arrived, he’s been nothing short of respectful and kind. He’s pretty funny, you would even admit. He brings you flowers on Mondays, and he turns bright red when you compliment his sense of style, even though he’s so full of himself that you would assume that he got compliments all the time. He has a facade that he puts on for fans: the untouchable, unbeatable star player of Richmond FC, the master ass himself. 

His father peeks his head, trying to be comical, but the team barely reacts,

You look at Jamie. He's tense, jaw clenched and fists turning white.

His dad prods and teases about the game, making biting remarks that you just know Jamie’s taking personally. You can tell, from the slight movement of his lip, to the crescents that are sure to be forming in his palms, that he’s about to lose it. 

Ted has this look on his face, protective, but not ready to intervene,

How is it, you wonder, that there is a room full of professional athletes- a team, a family - and no one is trying to defend Jamie, who is being verbally and emotionally abused by his father, right in front of them?

Jamie quietly stands up for himself. you feel a surge of pride, but the defense does nothing. his father only gets madder. You can’t help but wonder if he’s drunk or just plain crazy, because no one in their right mind would cross Jamie Tartt.

… right?

His father calls him a name and this is when you decide that Jamie is worth so much more than this. “Okay, that’s enough, sir.” you slip between the two Tartt men. Jamie’s father, crazed and hysterical, looks livid. you try and stay courteous.

“(Y/n),” Jamie’s tone is warning.

“I gave you a chance to talk to your son but I've had about enough. you need to leave.”

You have to fight hard so your voice doesn’t waver too much. There is a slight quake. You ball your hands into fists. “I won't ask again.”

“(Y/n),” Jamie says, more urgently. “don’t.”

But James Tartt Sr. ignores his son and zeros in on you. Your heart pounds in your throat

. “You think you can talk to me like that, you little slag? You fucking think that i’m scared of a little fucking bitch like you?”

“Sir-“ you put a hand out. Beard and Ted seem frozen. Finally, you can see the team reacting. Roy looks about to kill Mr. Tartt.

“Little fucking slut!” the name spits out like poison, and you don’t see the punch coming. The man’s fist collides with the left side of your nose, right next to your eye. The pain is automatic. You hit the ground and there are shouts, but your eye is watering and you can barely see. You can make out Jamie’s voice from the din. 

“You don’t touch her!” There’s a sound of a blow and you look to see Mr. Tartt fall to the ground. He groans, but gets up surprisingly quickly for a man his age. 

“Okay, you can get that one for free,” he laughs manically.

no.

You find a sudden burst of energy and run straight into Mister Tartt’s midriff. You wrap your arms around him and push him away, like you’ve done many times before, separating teammates from petty locker room squabbles. He smells of stale beer and body odor. Beard has the same idea as you, and together, you rid the locker room of James Tartt Sr.

there’s a wet warmness running down your lip, the taste of iron in your mouth. you press your sleeve to your bleeding nose and squeeze your eyes shut. Beard crouches next to you.

“Let me look,” he instructs, you pull your sleeve away, a drop of blood on your jacket. It’s stopped quickly, and you completely take off your coat. “Not broken. Only bruised.”

You nod.

The sound of shouting echoes down the hall and Beard tips his hat to you, leaving you alone with your back pressed against the wall.

You give yourself thirty seconds to recuperate before re-entering the locker room.

You do a double take in surprise, the sight of Roy Kent hugging Jamie Tartt is not one you ever thought you’d see. 

You approach slowly, letting Jamie see you before putting your hand lightly on Roy’s back. He immediately lets go of Jamie, casts you a worried look, but gives you space.

Hesitantly, almost fearfully, Jamie takes your face into his hands, pressing a gentle thumb against the spot were his father hit you. 

“He hurt you,” he whispers. You ache at the sound of pain and regret in his voice, knowing he’s probably already tearing himself up for this. You wrap your arms around him, one over his shoulders, one under his arm and pull him close. He returns the hug, holding you tightly. You feel his chest quake against you.

“I’m okay,” you tell him, voice muffled. “you’re going to be, too.”

[moonlit-sunflower-books]

writing south indian characters

[@/moonlit_sunflower_books on ig]

The primary Indian story that is told through modern literature and media is a very North-Indian focused narrative, and while there's nothing wrong with that, there's a massive lack of south Indian representation. Often we're sort of ostracised from other Indians as well, so i thought i'd make a post outlining how to write South Indian characters talking about the differences between our cultures :)

If you have anything to add or things to point out, please go ahead! This is all based on my own personal experience and knowledge.

how do you define "south indian"

"South Indian" is used as a very broad term and is also highly relative. Generally, it encompasses people from the states of Kerala, Karnataka, Tamilnadu, Andhra Pradesh, and Telangana. The problem with grouping all these characters under one massive umbrella is that our cultures are all vastly different, the same way that someone from Assam and Punjab would have entirely different. I'm going to elaborate on this further as we go!

food

South Indian food, contrary to popular belief, does not consist of idli and dosa.

Some examples of more food are bisi bele bath, pongal and vathakuzhambu (i promise it's not that hard to pronounce), sambhar shadam (a type of rice and curry), rasam, coconut-based kormas, tamarind rice, chakkarai pongal (which is sweet), vadai (yes we pronounce it differently from North Indians), mysore pak, lime rice, our famous filter coffee (or "kaapi"), and so much more.

South Indian food is more rice-heavy than grain-heavy, and we don't really have a roti equivalent. There's also a lot of non-vegetarian food, but since I'm vegetarian, I don't know a whole lot about it :)

There's also obvious language differences: for example, in a Tamilian household, we would call curd rice "thayir shadam", which means the same thing. Which brings me to my next point...

languages

There is a reason that there's a debate as to whether or not Hindi should be the national language. Spoiler alert: it should not.

South India is home to so many languages such as Tamil, Telugu, Kannada, and Malyalam. Very often someone from North India will make the assumption that Indian people speak Hindi, whereas this is completely untrue - South Indians should not be expected to speak Hindi any more than North Indians should be expected to speak Tamil.

If you're writing about a South Indian character, make sure that they speak their native language and NOT Hindi at home! And if it's a South Indian character who lives in a different part of the country, like I do, they'll likely know the language of the part of the country they live in as well as their native language. (But this also depends - if a Telugu person has grown up in Delhi, they're likely to speak Hindi better than Telugu.)

Even characters that live abroad will have some connection to their language. As someone who spent many years outside India, I learnt quite a bit of random vocabulary in the form of food and short phrases like "look here", "what do you want", "what happened", and things like that.

fashion

The South Indian version of a lehenga is called a pavada or pavadai, and it's often what younger girls wear at any formal or festive event. Older women will often wear saris. Traditionally, Brahmins used to wear 9 yard saris that were tied differently, but in an attempt to eradicate the caste system, this largely isn't worn anymore.

Men wear veshtis, which is a type of cloth tied around the waist. Traditionally, this would have been worn without a shirt, but today it's not uncommon to see people walking around with a veshti and formal shirt.

Keep in mind, though, India has become really westernised, so many people will also jeans and shirts and things like that. Fusing ethnic and western wear, like jeans with kurta tops, is not uncommon.

It also varies a lot from region to region - in Chennai you're much more likely to see someone walking around casually in a sari than you are in Bangalore, simply because of the culture that surrounds the two cities.

physically

South Indians stereotypically have much thicker, curlier hair and darker skin than North Indians. (But this obviously varies from person to person.)

names

Within South Indian names, it's fairly easy to tell where someone is from - and this is true of any micro-region, state, or culture within India.

Some examples of Tamil names could include "Srinivasan", "Iyer", or "Pillai". (Iyer and Iyengar are actually two sub-sects of Tamilian Brahmins who worship Shiva and Vishnu respectively, but I won't get into that.) Telugu surnames could include "Komati" or "Nayak".

But traditionally, South Indians never had surnames. There would be 2-3 initials that stood for one's village name and father's name, followed by your name. So, for example, C. V. Raman was his full name! Some people still use this system, but because it becomes difficult during documentation etc, most people have switched to the westernised version of the system.

general culture

Two of my personal favourite parts of South Indian culture are Carnatic Music and Bharatnatyam, both of which I have learnt. Carnatic music is a form of classical music where one sings varnams and shlokas and padams in different raagas and taalams. Bharatnatyam is a classical dance form from Tamilnadu with two main styles - Thanjavur and Kalakshetra.

Of course, there are millions of little aspects to South Indian culture, but I couldn't possibly fit them all here :)

being south indian

Being South Indian in other parts of India means that you're subject to a whole lot of racism.

I've had people say "how can you call yourself a real indian" and, like I said earlier, use words like "dosa" and "pongal" instead of my name. There's also language-based discrimination like I mentioned, because many people assume Hindi should be spoken across the country.

The caste system is also very prominent, and there are multiple movements to eradicate it across South India.

[uelden]

Vanity Fair interview translated

Just a side note before the actual translation; I don't know why, but instead of reporting the full questions and answers in full as she should, the journalist decided to report only summarized fragments of what Måneskin said and patch these fragments up into messy clusters. She also worded a couple phrases in a very confusing way (and yes, she's fully Italian). In short, she did quite a poor job, so the final shape of the interview is not that good. I didn't expect top-tier journalism from Vanity Fair but ffs. You'll see what I mean.

I translated it as it is, adding just a couple footnotes to give you insight on Italian pop culture references.

Translation under the cut

Måneskin: "Different from whom?"

by Lavinia Farnese, 09 June 2021

"True justice is being judged for what you do and not for what you are." The ones who are convinced of this are Damiano, Victoria, Ethan and Thomas who, by being the emblem of a generation that is finally free, refuse labels and conformism. In life, in love and on the stage. Where, maybe precisely because of this, they're winning everything

With the still unexpected (first place at Sanremo Festival) and the incredible (triumph at Eurovision) in their eyes, Måneskin are on the sofa of the house-studio they rented - to resume writing songs and rehearsing them - like you are after a won battle: lying in a calm and unreal silence, alert and a bit irreverent, happy.

In the garden there's the tennis table and the pool, the light of summer when it's starting and calming the country all around, and it filters inside from the large windows, and it goes onto the shining black of Ethan's hair, which blends with Thomas' eye shadow and the butterfly he has tattooed oh his naked forearm, which completes the picture of Victoria's golden crucifix hanging between neck and tank top and ends on the black nail polish of Damiano's stretched hands.

It's a human fresco, a Theatre of wrath [translator's note: "Teatro d'ira"] - to call it with the title of their latest album, a platinum record already - where their flaunted 20 years of age, their irregular femininity and virility are grown into proud and challenging custom, a pop glam rock generational manifesto of hard-earned liberties in a finally-unconditional expression of the self.

To watch them from any angle and from another age is to think that a great love will be born in those who'll understand: this new way of being in the world, the true and sovereign realm they hold where "diversity=exceptionality", the power of the artistic and cultural revolution of which they are healthy carriers in establishing in all lyrics and gestures the right to live according to one's own nature past the "people (who) talk, the people (who) unfortunately talk, and don't know what the fuck they're talking about." [tn: "Zitti e buoni" lyrics]

We go where we're afloat, where the air isn't gone. [tn: journalist's own variation on "Zitti e buoni" lyrics]

Miley Cyrus says hi – The numbers of a phenomenon

"The streams of Zitti e buoni are growing by the second, and they bring us above Muse, at the top of English charts, twelfth in the Spotify Global Chart. Followers almost tripled, in the post-Rotterdam period (from 1,4 to 3,3 millions, ed.) Contagious and universal folly: t-shirts and merchandising sold out in 10 minutes. Like the records, the tickets for a tour that keeps adding dates and expanding over geographic maps. They're contacting us even from some festivals were The Rolling Stones went." Thomas

"After the pretextual controversy over cocaine that France built against us, later disproven by my drug test, some graffiti popped up in Spain depicting me as a “No drugs” poster guy. Some tweets made us laugh: "Congratulations, Italy! I've never been more certain that four people have had sex with each other." Miley Cyrus started following us -You're great. -You guys are greater." Damiano

From the garage to the stars – Story of a flight

"It was only 2016, and we played in restaurants, in the streets, in via del Corso. Damiano without even a microphone, Thomas' guitar with wonky strings, Ethan was drumming on a cajón. During Rome highschools' sit-ins (Kennedy, Virgilio, Mamiani) we had our first confirmations and half-hours of celebrity, playing among those who criticized us and those who went "wow they're really cool." One of the rare times when they would have paid us – 50 euros each – we gave the money to the next band in the lineup so that they would make us play in their spot, later in the day, when there would have been more people. We had already realized how things worked. Visibility mattered more than money. And we still think that." Victoria

The intimacy of rock – Choice of a genre

"Music allows us the miracle of extending to others some very personal and private topics, sometimes even difficult and thorny ones. They are and they remain deeply your own, but at the same time they become a confession that reaches a wider audience, and in this passage that is alike a delivery, they find a place in you as well, a processing of them. You overcome them, you accept them. One second it's something aggressive, the next it's a ballad. Cathartic». Damiano

Against panic – The stage as therapy

"I've suffered a lot from anxiety and panic attacks, it's an issue I've worked on thanks to a psychotherapy course, my friends and my family. Playing helped me in not letting myself be paralyzed by my fears, not making myself limited in my private and professional life. I've learned to accept, to live with this side of myself. I don't hide it. I don't feel ashamed of it." Victoria

Analysis as necessity – Relying on someone saves you

"This belief that only madmen go to the psychologist is a widespread ignorance. No-one's born learned. [tn: common Italian saying] And it's often hard to understand the very reason why we're here, let alone the origin and direction of our desires. It's a long and legitimate journey towards lucidity, a kind of backing to become transparent." Damiano

Being out of our minds – But different from them [tn: "Zitti e buoni" lyrics]

"When you feel a strong passion towards something that is not a canonical job but an artistic language, that already puts you on a level of anomaly, which is not superior or inferior to other people, but it puts you in the position of the one who breaks the mold and also works at a loss, the one who sustains great risks while trying to do something that who knows if it will take you anywhere. "Why do it if it doesn't pay?". You want to give this dream of yours an aesthetic, but it becomes "You're dressing so weird! You must be gay!" - now that I'm 22 I laugh about it, but when I was 17 it had an effect on me, too." Damiano

The beauty of uniqueness – Of believing in it and defending it

"And I mean, at the end of the day if we're all different it's not because we want be alternative but because, really, no-one is the same. Justice is being judged on what you do and not what you are. Justice is equality, respect, beauty." Ethan

Fluid sexuality – Pride is freedom

"Heels for men that like themselves in them, kisses among ourselves, we have an open, extended mind, and we're proud of it. The horizons become vast, past the oppression of conservative families. With the information on the web knowledge becomes greater and with it the possibility that minorities will be less and less minorities, because the majority will be less of a majority. This way we'll make insults and bullying grow quieter. If social media get to a village of 50 souls and reveal to a girl who's afraid of the dark that someone has felt her same fear, then there's no reason to give a name to that fear, to mark it with labels which also limit and restrict. Definitions always had this effect on me. You shouldn't even consider the gender when judging someone, let alone their orientation." Victoria

Sexism – A culture to be dismantled

"Emma [tn: Emma Marrone, Italian singer] drops the bomb: “At Eurovision when I was there they massacred me for a pair of shorts, while they said nothing to Damiano – bare-chested and in heels.” The easy judgment against women is more fierce, constant, debasing (if I have a lot of sex I'm cool while Vic is a whore, where I show myself strong I'm a leader while Vic is despotic and a pain in the ass who reached success because she's hot.) As a male I'm privileged, the abuse I get is not comparable to those a woman has to live through, the comments over my aesthetic are centered only on my aesthetic and don't insinuate anything about my professionalism and my competence, while women are victims of this kind of thought in a systematic way. It happened though to find myself standing with a woman who while pulling me to herself to take a selfie, started licking my face out of the blue... I mean, what the hell do you want? Who asked you? Consent exists, and it's due." Damiano

Grow yourself – The only commandment

"To me conformism is the opposite of education [tn: could also mean "politeness"] and is the asphyxia of expression. I fortunately never endured heavy bullying, heavy enough for the the judgement of others to change me. But the mold of the small crumbs of bullying I got and of the kind of aggression that scars is the same. If I'm a kid who dances and likes dolls you have to let me do what I like. I was a kid who wanted to keep his hair long and played with Barbie. As a teen, my friends looked at my hair: " You have to find a girl with short hair to be at your side." My grandparents took away my dolls: "Stop it, they're not for you." Ethan

"When I was six I was already sick of them, the distinctions between masculine and feminine. I've always had strong ideas about how I wanted to be. I refused things that were typically defined as girly, and all around me they mocked me because I went skateboarding, I played soccer, I didn't wear skirts, I was giving myself the chance to be as I wished. I endured it a little, I suffered a little, but I had courage, and now thanks to that courage I know that I could have gotten even much more hurt, otherwise I would have left to others the most important choice: the one about myself." Victoria

Love in progress – Music, girlfriends

"I've been married to music for the last 20 years. I can't wait to celebrate our golden wedding anniversary." Ethan

"Everyone makes their own experiences, sometimes it goes well, sometimes it goes wrong, but it's always not anybody's business." Thomas

"When I first felt feelings and attraction towards a girl it was a bit disorienting because I had never had the courage of going beyond the limitations I had put for myself. For society being heterosexual is the norm and so you often define yourself in that way automatically, depriving yourself of the freedom to live many shades and faces of love. Once I overcame the initial insecurity of having to call into question my certainties I've lived my sexuality in a very natural and free way, as it should be for everyone." Victoria

"I had paparazzi at my door every day and night. So, after four years of relationship, I revealed her name. I still have paparazzi at my door every day and nigh, but at least I don't have to hide anything anymore." Damiano

The worth of the group – Phenomenology of protection

"The true engagement though, the true family is among ourselves, our band. We've believed in it since day zero, even before we called ourselves Måneskin (Moonlight in Danish), even before Ethan drew a giant moon on the flier for the first concert we ever did. We share everything, even the pain for the tragedy of Seid Visin, who committed suicide at 20 because of racism. [tn: I think the journalist asked them their opinion about Seid Visin's death, which was a current events topic in Italy, and then pasted it syntaxically in the middle of Thomas' answer, which was not a great move] A group is what we all should be: stay united and not back down an inch in the face of oppression that is generated by a distorted view of diversity." Thomas

I'm not of the right age – Like Gigliola [tn: Gigliola Cinquetti won Eurovision with her song "Non ho l'età", which means "I'm not of the right age"]

"Before you the only one who won both Sanremo and Eurovision on the same year was Cinquetti (1964). If there's anything I feel I'm not of the right age for? No, honestly no. Maybe having children. Regarding children I'll be honest: I'm not of the right age." Damiano

Having touched the sky – The fears that remain

"We're more than inside the dream, we're in the conquered dream. When you fly high there's the risk of plummeting and hurting yourself, but we'll work hard not to end up like Icarus, who burns his wings with the sun. Everything is in our hands. And this - a bit pretentiously - reassures us rather than scaring us." Damiano