#it's interesting to see how i changed in terms of early dynamics here

[fangaminghell]

Going off from what I said before in the last post, Leo's early opinions of the rivals

Victoria - I remember saying once Leo tried to force himself to have a crush on her lol. I don't think that's necessary, not anymore. Going off from what I previously said I think he...wishes to be more like her, honestly. She's like the ideal he strives for, someone who is kind and tries to do the right thing just because they can. I think he admires her from what he's seen of her, and maybe a bit envious of how "good" she is.

Cain - Cain brutally reminded Leo that he was very much in denial about his sexuality, lmao. Though for their first meetings, it was actually easy to ignore how he felt about a guy flirting with him so openly and just play along. This won't always be the case, as time goes on Cain is practically at war with Leo's internalized homophobia, but right now, Leo honestly thinks Cain is fun. Forward, but fun.

Fern - It feels like looking into a mirror and he doesn't like it. Learning that Fern, too , has a successful older sister just makes it worse ( though he hates how Fern talks about her. Leo would die if he talked to Raya the way Fern talked to Florina). Leo isn't really combative with Fern, not yet anyway. If anything, because of how he sees himself in Fern, he tries to be more patient( again, he's trying to be a better person + Fern kinda makes him uncomfortable). Maybe even be a bit nicer than he should have. Though, both him and Fern have egos and both seem to get annoyed with each other by simply existing. But they're not combative. Not yet.

[woongisi]

Fish Zoo Incidents // Kim Donghyun (Leehan)

vers!college!Leehan x vers!college!fem!Reader // SMUT

WC// 5.6k

Synopsis// The new transfer from across the country catches your interest and your heart. Discovered my means of fish and aquarium related incidents.

Warnings// smut, college au, pervy leehan, possessive leehan, pet names, gendered terms, some jealousy, leehan tries to maintain chivalry, panty sniffing, dacryphilia, rawdogging it (do not do), PinV sex, determined leehan, comfort

Author's Note// probably changing the title... tbh idek how to label the dynamics bc this is self indulgent and also i haven't written in forever so i hope it suffices xx

------------

August. The month of your nightmares. It was your second year of college, and you'd been through this whole school thing for over a decade prior, but you never did get accustomed to wishing summer goodbye.

One thing you were grateful for? Common core classes were finally almost over, and you could begin the courses you really cared about. Your whole life you'd been passionate about nature. The way it worked, the creatures that inhabited it, and what you could do to save it. It was only natural you dedicated the remainder of your life to it.

The first day of class was the first and last time you actually cared to put any effort into your outfit. As far as you were concerned, first impressions were the only impressions you needed. You chose your favorite pair of jeans, a flowy top, and your best shoes. Only after fixing your hair meticulously into place did you grab your bookbag and dorm keys, meandering your way to the science building.

A surprising amount of your new classmates had filtered into the room rather early. Normally people snuck in about a minute before class. You scanned the room, giving everyone a quick smile, before claiming your seat. You never really had assigned seating, but it was a sacred unspoken rule that the seats you all chose today would stay yours for the remainder of the semester. Choose wisely. You aren't getting out of it.

It wasn't uncommon for you to see new faces around campus. Students transferred in and out all the time, not to mention the incoming freshmen. What was unusual was for one of these new faces to really catch your attention. Yet here you were, watching a man you'd never seen before peeking his head through the doorway, seemingly assessing if he was in the right room, proceeding to stand awkwardly at the front. This mystery student was quite tall and rather lanky from what you could tell. It worked for him, though. Despite being dressed casually in sneakers, straight blue jeans, and a baggy bang blue hoodie, he looked incredibly put together.

His hair was bleached blond, and rather long for a man. The locks stopped just above the shoulders in the back, fluffy and naturally wavy. His lips were rosy, full, and pursed analytically with his thick furrowed brows. His chin had the slightest cleft you could only really notice in the shadows cast by the dim classroom light. Those eyes, you mused, those were the cherry on top. The corners of his eyes drooped down a bit with long dark lashes, charming. You almost scoffed out loud thinking about the bullshit pseudoscientific modern eugenics TikTok slop that asserted you were ugly if you had a negative canthal tilt. You thought they were wrong before and you absolutely knew they were wrong now. That paired with the pitch back irises contained within made him look like somewhat of a scorned puppy with his facial expression.

Before you could even register your actions you found yourself waving that shining balance of masculinity and femininity over to the empty desk next to you. None of your friends shared this class with you, and most of the other students were already hitting it off with the people near them.

“Hey! You're new, right? Welcome to campus. I know it's only the first day of the year, but I hope it's treating you well.” You flashed him a genuine grin, fixing your posture.

“Thank you,” He extended his hand in an awkward fashion that could be interpreted as asking for a handshake or a high five. “Campus is lovely. Very spacious. Oh, I’m Leehan… It's great to meet you.”

“I’m Y/N. The pleasure is all mine.”

Something about this Leehan boy’s demeanor was captivating to you. You spent the last 5 or so minutes before the period began chatting about your majors, schedules, and rudimentary life stories. By the time it was your turn to introduce him in some childish first-day “meet your peers” game, you even had difficulty choosing only one interesting thing to say about him. In the end, you made him promise to meet you after classes ended for the day. Outside the library. Someone had to show him around, and it may as well be you. You even figured afterward you could take him to the different dining halls and show him what items were most worth his money and what deserved to mummify in the kitchen.

As it turned out, you were housed in the same dorm hall. The floors alternated in gender, leaving him on the floor just below yours. In the following few months, you thought Leehan might spend more time in your room than he did his own. Thankfully, your roommate didn't mind much. She had many friends and extracurriculars, so she wasn't there often anyway. You were two very different people, but your lifestyles worked together like clockwork and she was always kind to you.

There were many nights you met up to study, to varying degrees of success. Tonight was one where you got sidetracked all too easily, opting to watch some god-awful romcom instead. There wasn't much space in the dorm rooms, so most often Leehan sat on your bed, back to the wall, while you settled between his legs with your head on his chest. Some of your friends poked fun at you for this. What kind of “just friends” ate nearly every meal together, had scheduled weekly hang-outs, and cuddled in bed? Largely, you brushed them off. It was just friendship… right?

You picked up your phone for only a moment to check the time, groaning at the brightness of the screen. It was already nearing 3 am.

“Leehan, It’s like 3 in the morning. You should probably head out.”

“Why?” You could hear the pout in his voice. “There's only like 15 minutes left in the movie. Give me 20 more minutes. Pleaseeee?”

You huffed in faux annoyance. “Fine, but if I fall asleep on you that's your fault.”

“I can live with the consequences.”

After maybe 5 minutes you were teetering on the edge of falling asleep. Truthfully, you weren't sure if you had fallen asleep or not. All you knew for certain was you were comfortable and glowing warm. The sound of Leehan’s calm heartbeat thrumming against your ear was enough to convince you it wasn't worth moving.

“Y/N?” You felt Leehan brush your hair away from your eyes. “You awake?”

You chose not to reply. You didn't have the energy to.

Leehan hummed in acknowledgment. “Thought so.” He pressed his lips against the top of your head, debating if he wanted to kiss you or simply linger. “Goodnight, sweet girl. I… nevermind.”

The following morning, you woke up in a daze. Alone, in your aggravatingly empty bed, you rolled over to see a piece of candy with a Post-it note nearby. Leehan texted you all the time, yet he decided to leave you a physical note. That was so like him.

“Hey,

You fell asleep on me last night

Idk how I managed to move you but you didn't wake up sooo

There's an iced coffee waiting for you in the fridge

See u later xx”

It ended with a tiny doodle of a fish.

That's when everything the night prior flashed through your mind. Hazily, unsure if you'd just imagined it or not. Either way, it made your cheeks flush. Picking up your phone, you fumbled your way through to Leehan’s contact, typing up a little thank-you message. His reply was almost immediate.

“hey, can we meet up >> i wanna talk to you”

“i mean sure… u ok pookie?”

“great,, meet me in the courtyard by the pear trees in 15”

Something rattling around in your brain made you nervous. Normally, Leehan didn't ask to meet up. He just gave you a time and place, knowing you'd show up. Perhaps you were just overthinking things. Whatever the status of your sanity, it took you far too long to get your eyeliner even on account of your trembling hands. You didn't even do your makeup to meet Leehan if it was off campus, so why did you feel the need to today?

Leehan perked up the moment he saw you in the distance, scrambling to his feet and waving as if he wasn't the only one there. Beneath him, there was a throw blanket. One of those shabby printed ones, straight out of y2k, expectedly with an ocean scene.

It seemed he had the same idea with getting ready, having ditched his usual hoodie and loose jeans for a tighter-fitting pair complete with a silky button-up. Leehan grabbed your hand, collapsing onto the blanket and taking you down with him. You hit the ground with a thud and playfully swatted his shoulder. Absentmindedly, Leehan took a deep breath and nuzzled against you. He closed his eyes and let out a content sigh. You smiled and ran your fingers through his hair, feeling the warmth of his body against yours.

“Leehan… What’s gotten into you? You seem extra clingy today.”

“Hm?” His words slurred slightly. “Just missed you.”

“I saw you quite literally last night.”

“Are you saying you didn’t miss me?”

Leehan was frowning now, to the point you weren’t sure if he was exaggerating or not.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. You know that.”

Ignoring his tiny hmph, you tucked the stray strands of his hair behind his ear so you could see his face. He was blushing so deeply you started to wonder if he was running a fever.

“Well,” You started again. “What did you want?”

Leehan removed himself from you only so he could put one hand on either side of your torso and hover there. Despite the rather bold move, he wouldn't hold your gaze.

“Do you wanna go to the aquarium with me on Saturday…?”

“Duh. Just name a time. But can you at least look me in the eye? Do I look that bad today, hm?”

You smirked, knowing he wouldn't appreciate that last comment but with how shy he was being you just couldn't resist it.

“Quit that! You look…” Leehan whined, and you couldn’t help but note how his eyes briefly scanned your face and upper chest. “You look breathtaking.”

“Right… Thank you.” You smiled meekly.

Leehan moved away from you and landed onto his back harshly.

“Hey… Can we go, like… asadate!”

“Leehan, you're gonna have to repeat that.”

The few seconds of silence was deafening.

“Can… we go… as a date? A real one?”

Leehan hid his face behind one of his large hands, absolutely refusing to look you in the eye. You didn't think you'd ever seen him this embarrassed, and he wasn't sure he'd ever been this embarrassed. You stifled a laugh that scared the soul out of him for a moment's time.

“Yeah, sure. We can.” You slapped Leehan’s shoulder a little harder than you intended. “You're not sly. I knew there had to have been a reason you worked up to this so much.”

A relieved sigh left his lungs, almost comically heavy. Suddenly, he rolled himself over with enough velocity he could get himself mostly on top of you. He truly did smell good. Normally you were both laughing at the same time, but now he was the only one giggling. You were simply too shocked. Shocked… and mesmerized. For the first time you noticed that when Leehan laughed, only his top teeth showed which brought out his smile lines, and his eyes turned upward in crescents, causing the corners of his eyes to crinkle up in the most endearing manner. He really had the smile of an ahjussi.

“Thank god.”

*

A couple of days later, the two of you pranced into the aquarium surrounded by laughter. There was a time when he took one of your dresses from your dorm closet when you were asleep. One of your white ones, short yet flowy with puffy sleeves. It had gotten stained and ripped at the hem on one particularly eventful night out. When he returned it you accused him of being creepy, though you were only a little serious. He left dejected anyway. Only once you unfolded it did you realize he'd worked the large juice stain out of the fragile material and embroidered tiny blue fish along the bottom edge of the dress, neckline, and the openings of the sleeves. You chose to wear that today.

Leehan’s face lit up brighter than ten suns once he saw it. Blushing and running his fingers along the hem, he couldn't take his eyes off of you.

“I thought you trashed this!? I never saw it in your closet again.”

“I put it in a box I found. I didn't want it to get stained or wrinkled.” You hooked your pinky finger with one of his. “Uhm… I'm sorry I never thanked you. My ego got the best of me and I felt too humiliated to tell you I shouldn't have been so rude.”

“Hey, don't even. Seeing you in it now is enough of an apology.”

He was compartmentalizing every aspect of your outfit today. The white sandals with little blue embroidery, your matching blue purse. The pearl jewelry and blue headband. Leehan was wearing navy blue dress pants complete with some random keychain hanging off a belt loop and a white, short-sleeved, button-up that he'd also embroidered some little fish on the collar of. Of course he did. He had told you the dress code was blue and white but never in his wildest dreams did he expect you'd match so well. He especially didn't expect to see that dress on you.

Leehan was so damn smooth it took quite a few exhibits before you noticed how he kept getting closer to you. The entire duration you were meandering about up to this point, he inched in. With his chest nearly pressed against your back, it was only in this moment you became acutely conscious that all the times you thought you felt him staring at you instead of the fish wasn't in your head, and the multiple occasions his hand brushed against yours wasn't a lack of spatial awareness. This in its entirety made you painfully aware of the blush rising on your cheeks.

“Mm, there's a group of children headed this way. Let's move on.” This time as you set off to the next room, you grabbed Leehan’s hand. After leading him to the jellyfish you not so nonchalantly threaded your fingers with his. Lord, they were long. You may not have been looking directly at Leehan, but in the deep blue water you could see his face reflected faintly back. Eyes darting back and forth from the jellies to you, donning a huge smile that he was miserably failing to conceal. His thumb caressing the back of your hand made your stomach flutter.

Roughly two thirds of the way into the aquarium the pair of you decided to drop by the cafeteria and manhandle the vending machine into letting go of your items. Leehan insisted that you let him feed you your fruit snacks, horribly domestic. A few snacks in you threatened to bite him, leading both of you to erupt in laughter.

“Haha, you're so beautiful, really!” Slipped from his mouth mid laugh and judging by the way he went right back to laughing you didn't think he even noticed he said that out loud. Not even the look on your face queued him in.

Dropping the bag of gummies to the table, you took both of his hands and shook them back and forth. You couldn't handle seeing him this gleeful, it stressed you out in the best possible way.

“Me? Psh!” It was slightly hard to breathe. “You're the most handsome human I've ever had the joy of seeing with my own eyes, and-”

The room suddenly felt eerily empty, just the two of you across from each other.

“And I never ever ever want you to lose that shining smile.”

The atmosphere was now heavy, exchanging sheepish glances. Leehan had never felt so shy around anyone before. Breaking the tension he motioned for you to follow him and sprang right out of the seat.

Hands locked back together, you soon found the main attraction of the entire joint. One sprawling exhibit that spanned from floor to ceiling, stocked like a coral reef complete with small sharks. The only thing you felt was awe, until you looked at Leehan and felt your heart skip a beat. Kiss him, a metaphorical little devil sat on your shoulder. No no no, too fast. What if I upset him? Now you were arguing with the imaginary manifestations of your own mind. Come on. His arm is around your waist. He’s been longing for this. Are you ever going to have such a chance again? Kiss the boy. You couldn't win that debate.

“Leehan?” You whispered, softly enough you weren't sure if he could even hear you.

“Hmm?”

Standing in front of the massive fish tank, Leehan looked more beautiful than ever. Reflected blue lights and water patterns danced across the room. Leehan looked at it with admiration, you could see it in his eyes. You always could. Even in the lowest light, his downturned eyes always glimmered like the ocean waves. Without saying a word you knew he was silently analyzing every fish he saw, naming them and noting what made them each unique. Yet you noticed the fondness in his eyes didn't change when he turned his attention to you with that gentle boxy smile of his.

“Leehan… Can I kiss you?”

A small noise of surprise left Leehan’s mouth. He turned to face you fully, pushing his forehead against yours with no hesitation.

“Please. I thought you'd never ask.”

It was like a scene out of a movie, you thought. His lips felt impossibly velvety soft against yours. The first kiss was brief, exploratory. It made your stomach fill with electricity. Leehan gave the smallest chuckle, you could feel him smiling against you. He hooked his arm around your waist and pulled you closer against him, nuzzling his face into your hair. Only then did he put his hand on the back of your neck and steal another kiss. One that was more confident and full of intent.

“Not here, alright?” Leehan spoke with a pout. “Let's not get kicked out for PDA.”

“Mhm. We’ll pick up where we left off later.”

The next half an hour or so was the closest to hell Leehan felt he'd ever been. For all the date he'd been focused on how pretty you were or how excited you got when seeing a fish you particularly liked. It was so fluffy, so cute and pure. The kiss changed things drastically.

Now, his inner thoughts were seeping through the cracks of his psyche and plaguing him. Fish were his favorite thing in the universe but now he could only focus on the sensation of your lips pressed against his own and your hot breath hitting his face. Guilt panged deep in his chest, but it couldn't dislodge that he now felt this wasn’t so innocent anymore. Your cherry chapstick transferred lightly onto his lips and it made him upset to think that at a point in the near future he couldn't lick his lips and remember the taste of you.

Were you wearing a bra under the loose fabric of your dress? Leehan. What about your panties, did you take the time to match those too? Leehan, quit it. Maybe you'd even found some with fish patterns and cute little bows. Fuck, did you want him to see? Leehan, you're a gentleman. Don't. Much as you were earlier, it was Leehan’s time to bicker with himself. Leehan, you don't want to ruin this. Don't be such a man. You don't want to lose her, you- No. Leehan cut his own mind off. He had to know, he craved to know, to push your dress up and quell his perverted curiosity.

Leehan came back to reality at the feeling of you pulling on his sleeve. “Ow, Leehan. Loosen your grip a little.”

He opened his mouth to apologize for being inconsiderate but it fell on deaf ears. Once you locked eyes with Leehan it was like the world disappeared, even the sound of his voice. You could only describe the expression on his face as pathetic and hungry. Pupils blown wide, cheeks colored a deep red, sore lips that he'd clearly been biting, and his tongue poking anxiously at the inside of his cheek.

“Can we go?” He was truly too gentle to make a demand of you, but the intent and directions laced in his simple request weren't lost on you. Leehan’s vague gesture toward his pants only confirmed your suspicion.

“You must not feel well,” You chided. You knew the truth of course but so desperately wanted him to verbalize it to you. “Let's go.”

*

The ride back to the dorms was abnormally quiet. Leehan was entirely dedicated to getting home as quickly as possible without breaking the law. You were focused on keeping yourself level headed and not rubbing your thighs together.

As soon as you got inside, Leehan locked the door to his room and shoved a chair right beneath the handle. His roommate, should he come home, would just have to go somewhere else.

While his movements were feverish, Leehan was no less careful than usual. Caging you back first against the wall, Leehan captured your gaze and hyped himself up internally. “You can say no. I won't get mad. I promise, but please.” His voice was deep with desire that made your spine tingle. “Please let me kiss you again.”

That was exactly what you hoped to hear.

“Why would I ever deny you? I’m the one who initiated our first. So. Indulge.”

It was no more than a second from the time the final word left your mouth that Leehan had encased you. The arm cradling your lower back was firm, a stark contrast to the caring hold he had on your cheek. Leehan kissed slow, he kissed deep. Passionate. To him there was nobody else in the world right now. Every small noise you made was greedily swallowed.

“Leehan,” You whimpered. “You're good. Have you ever kissed someone before?”

“Yeah.” He peppered kisses along your jawline, making it a bit easier for you both to talk. “A lot. Just with one person.”

You let a disappointed huff rise from your throat.

“Don't be like that, hm. It doesn't matter now. It was before I transferred here. I'm sure you've kissed plenty of guys before.”

“Maybe… maybe a handful. Only once each…”

“Then you and I aren't so different, and your record is broken. Am I special?”

You knew Leehan had a wicked grin across his face. A particularly harsh nip on your collarbone made you help.

“I guess so.” You bit your lip. “Well how about this. Have you ever had a handjob? Maybe a blowjob? Gone down on a girl?”

“All of the above. A few times.”

You hated in every sense of the word how this new knowledge made jealousy flare up in your stomach. You shouldn't care. All while making you feel so hellish, Leehan never once stopped ruining your poor throat and stealing kisses from you between words.

“Why are you asking? You're just making yourself jealous, Y/N. It's ok. Just shh. That was the past and this is now.”

“I just- Hmph. Well do I get to be anything special to you? Your first ever?”

“You're already special. Please, get that idea out of your pretty little head. But… if you have to know.”

Leehan’s hand on your waist was now rhythmically groping at your ass. His next sentence was low, whispered in your ear. “I've never truly fucked someone. Never had my dick in a girl’s pussy.”

Now, for the first time outside of his sleep talking ramblings, did you get the privilege of Leehan talking dirty. The first lewd utterances.

“O-oh. Well I've-”

“Quiet, you don't have to tell me. I don't need to know how many boys you've spread your legs for. I don't care. I just care that right now you're in my grasp.”

Honestly, you thought, you shouldn't be so turned on right now. Sweet, courteous, silly Leehan was before you, fighting to keep from rubbing himself through his slacks. On second thought you had every right to be insane.

“I want you to call me something you never called her.” Perhaps your jealousy could be of use. “I mean it when I say never, not even once.”

Against your expectations, Leehan let you go and stood back. You were worried you upset him until he took your hand, motioning for you to come to the edge of the dorm bunk bed and get right up in his lap. You obliged without a word.

“I can do that.” Leehan brushed your hair back behind your shoulders and ears, looking you in the eyes entirely vulnerable before pressing his forehead to your just as he'd done at the aquarium. “My sweet girl. My. Mine. You're my sweet girl, and I… If you'd give me the time of day… I want you to be my first.”

Suddenly you felt giddy. It took every ounce of control in you to not let it out by grabbing Leehan by the shoulders and shaking him as hard as possible.

“You called me that the other night. When I was falling asleep on you. I thought I dreamt it.”

“You remember?” He was uncertain as to why but Leehan felt shy again, scratching the back of his head nervously.

“Yeah.” You pulled back to peer into those dark wet eyes fondly. “What were you going to say… before you changed your mind?”

“I love you.”

“Huh?”

“I love you. I love you and I want to be with you for real. Not whatever we've been doing. I want to be your boyfriend. I think a lot of girls have gone after me for my looks and they get put off by me not being a fratty asshole. But not you.”

Your head was for all intents and purposes in the clouds.

“So, will you be mine? In my head, you already are. Let’s make it official.”

“You loser. Of course I'll be your girlfriend.” The kiss you gave him feigned innocence, revealed to be anything but when you slid your hand up Leehan’s thigh to cup the bulge straining against his pants.

How patient. You thought, realizing he'd likely been at least half hard since you kissed him a couple hours prior. It probably hurts, but here he is.

“To reply to your earlier comment, love, yes. I'll let you shove your cock up my pussy for the first time ever.”

“Oh, don't put it that way.” Leehan sputtered. “That's… too vulgar. Let me be respectful.”

You jokingly rolled your eyes at him. “Be my guest.”

Without another word said you were sitting on the edge of the bed, and Leehan was knelt down on one knee sliding off your sandals. From this angle he caught a glimpse of your panties and it made his breath catch.

“What? You wanna see?” The question posed was rhetorical, your legs parting as you pulled your dress up to your waist.

Navy blue. Little white fish silhouettes in the pattern of what would otherwise be polka dots. Complete with thin white ribbons that tied together on either side like a bikini.

“I was right…”

He was right? Leehan was more of your typical man than you thought, but certainly not in a negative way. You extended your leg, using the tips of your toes to lift his chin up so he'd make eye contact with you.

“Pervert.”

Leehan didn't love that his neglected cock twitched at that accusation.

“Maybe. You don't seem to mind.”

Right, he did have a slightly vain side to him that rarely showed up. Leehan pushed your leg down back against the bed frame. Next thing you knew his nose was dangerously close to the wet fabric of your panties, head resting on the inside of your thigh and giving him leverage to take a deep sniff. He couldn't be bothered to choke down the throaty groan that followed just after. A thought broke through his hazy mind. Shit, I really am a perv.

Leehan grabbed the ends of the bows on your underwear, effectively untying them and revealing you to him entirely as soon as he pulled the front piece of fabric away. His hands trembled enough you could notice them shake when he swiped two fingers up the entire length of your hole.

“Shit. Shit, I can't wait any longer, baby.” Leehan stood up and pulled his shirt overhead, normally he thought he'd have asked you to remove his belt but there was no time for that now.

You took it upon yourself to lay flat on the mattress, bunching your dress way up to your tits and squeezing your eyes shut. You heard Leehan take your underwear away, but suspiciously never heard them hit the floor. Part of you couldn't believe you were about to let him inside of you without even having his cock in your hand, another part of you was absolutely exhilarated. He'd never been so eager for something in his life, climbing onto the bed.

Leehan put one hand on your waist, the other coming to grip the base of his cock and slide the tip through your folds just as soon as you have the go ahead. Once he deemed himself sufficiently slick, he lined up with the entrance to your pussy. Only having the tiniest portion of his aching length inside you was driving him nuts already.

Painfully slow, Leehan pushed inside with a grunt. You gasped, only imagining the relief he must be feeling right now.

“Fuck! Fuck- Leehan-” Inch by inch he pressed on. You didn't think it was going to end. ���Leehan, too big- I can't take it, no more, Shit-”

When he finally bottomed out, your hands were clawing at the sheets desperately trying to adjust to his length and girth. You didn't know what you expected, but it wasn't this. Meanwhile, Leehan’s strangled moans did nothing to help you calm down. You were so impossibly warm, so tight and wet clenching around Leehan he couldn't believe he didn't lose himself immediately. Thankfully, you managed to keep your eyes open for the final inch, trying to memorize every little detail of Leehan’s face as he processed what it was like to have plush walls pulling him in.

“‘M sorry, sweet girl,” Leehan panted.

“No, no, f-feels incredible.” You rolled your hips, encouraging him to follow suit in thrusting deep inside. “You’re just… biggest I’ve ever had.”

Leehan felt a sense of pride at that, taking your hand to press flat against his chest.

“Baby, you might kill me.”

His heart feverishly hammered in his chest, skipping a beat when you unexpectedly brushed your thumb across his hardened nipple.

“Take your time, my lovely Leehan. Savor it. No need to rush.”

Leehan nodded, allowing himself slow and deliberate thrusts. Everything was just too good. Your moans were better than any music to him, sticky sweet. His heart never calmed a single bit beneath your palm.

Rhythmically, you jolted with every circle of your fingers against your clit. You decided it wouldn't hurt to give your new boyfriend a bit of help this time around. You knew he wouldn't last.

His thrusts progressed rather linear, getting faster and harder by the minute and drawing more panicked moans from his shaking body.

“B-Baby-”

“It's alright, Ihanie. I got you.” You watched him raise his hand to his face, your panties wrapped tightly around his fist. You thought you might've died and gone to heaven. “Cum when you're ready, alright? Inside.”

Leehan didn't reply, but you knew he understood as he instantly began chasing his high with tests pricking his eyes.

In little time at all, Leehan's hips were stuttering regularly, his moans growing pitchier. When you interlaced your fingers with his, it was game over.

“Gonna cum, gonna- Fuck- Y/N, I love this, I love this pussy, my girl-” That's when the tears began to fall. “I love y-you so fucking much, my perfect doll, made for my c-cock, made for me. Shit, I love you!”

With one final thrust, Leehan came with a pathetic cry like you'd never heard, spilling his hot seed as far as he could into you. Your orgasm followed not long after, it was too good for you to even make a sound, your pussy squeezing and milking every last drop of cum from Leehan and leaving him babbling sobbing nonsense until he collapsed on top of you.

Between your own gasps you held his head close to your chest, stroking his hair for comfort.

“It's ok. It's ok, I'm here. Just breathe.” You cooed. “You're alright, did amazing, I love you.”

After a few minutes of nuzzling into you and trying to regain some composure, Leehan laid the softest kisses along whatever part of you he could reach.

“H-hey…”

“Hm, you ok?”

“Can… Can we go again? Wanna do better for you. Gonna get used to it so I can… so I can mold your little pussy to the shape of my cock. Make love to you so good you never even think about another man this way. Mine, mine…” His words devolved into slurred mumbling by the end.

What. The. Fuck. You thought, I've created a monster. I… love it.

“Come on, my love,” Your voice was hoarse already. “We have a lot of work to do. Though, you might want to tell your roomie to stay somewhere else.”

[housemdork]

house md rewatch: 1x20, "love hurts"

chase being a Confirmed Freak* is, somehow, not the most interesting moment of this episode

*good for him! not his fault that the rest of PPTH is boring lol.

i love how you can see the way house's expression changes just before he self-sabotages like wild - the moment of decision to (attempt) to read cameron for filth would be hilarious if it wasn't so tragic. so overall, i really enjoy this episode. jennifer morrison is so powerful in scenes where cameron's world view/morals are challenged, and this is one of the strongest of those moments. and all of this combined with a dominatrix subplot, the ethics of which bleed into the rest of the characters? slay.

despite everyone dogging on chase for being into kink, i'd argue that this episode is lowkey pretty sex-positive (in a 2000s tv sort of way. i'll always apologize for that context lol). i like how 1x20 offers the patient, harvey, and his dominatrix, annette, and the clinic patients, an elderly couple struggling to negotiate the frequency of sex in their AFFAIR, as 2 sides in a sexuality spectrum. crazy different situations and perspectives, but both advocate for clear communication and consent and an understanding of one another's boundaries. and once it's revealed that harvey and annette's asphyxiation ritual is to blame for some of his health problems, they give it up.

so it's fascinating when annette is introduces the central theme of the episode: control. she says that harvey enjoys being safely asphyxiated because he can "feel in control by being controlled." in a character arc fraught with competing attempts to control the terms and outcome of their burgeoning relationship, neither house or cameron feel this way. house seems to realize this when he leaves the conversation with cuddy, the hospital lawyer, and annette once it's determined that she's not hurting harvey:

annette describes a perfectly equal relationship in terms of power dynamics, despite what it seems like to outside eyes - harvey has as much agency as she does. since neither house nor cameron feel comfortable rescinding any control, 1x20 implies pretty early that the date that's haunting the background of this episode will not work out.

paradoxically, however, foreman's quick preview into one of the show's writ large strongest themes undercuts this episode-specific argument. when chase is describing the more private, scandalous parts of his sexual history, foreman says that, "why would you want to be with in a relationship with someone that's so obviously only gonna lead to pain?"

that's it, foreman. that's the show. vulnerability and control and meeting halfway and every other piece of a successful relationship will never exist without pain, no matter how badly characters like house try to resist this.

cameron's expression during this conversation is hilarious because, whether she's just realizing it or has known subconsciously for a while, she's about to do exactly what foreman decries:

in my notes, next to the "to feel in control by being controlled," i wrote why #hameron doesn't work. i think she may have an inkling of that here, or at least feel a little targeted by some cosmic irony.

i'm actually gonna outsource some observations about cameron and her relationship dynamics to my resident fellow-expert @all-pacas in this link here. it's a really good breakdown of how the original house/cameron arc leads into her later development with chase, growth within romantic relationships, and how she leaves house in the dust in terms of Growth. regarding the date itself in 1x20, however, i'll add this:

the massive flower vase isn't emphasized in the early shots of them at the restaurant, but when things go south because house gets tired of being read for filth by cameron and lashes out, it divides the frame in half almost perfectly.

even cameron's corsage implies distance; by conflating her visually with the flowers, it acts as another component of house's failure to bond. he meant well by the gesture (it's so cute and would have worked on me lol), he ruins it by self-sabotaging. his body language is closed off, too, with his menu off the table and his feet crossed. cameron, meanwhile, extends both her arms and foot toward him. i truly cannot imagine how the rest of this night panned out lol.

additionally, in his attempts to scare her off, he completely misses the mark. he says that she thinks he's a charity case, and that "but what i am is what you need: damaged." nope. she does, in fact, like you. we've been through some of her messed up reverence issues, how she thinks she should thank house like he's some deity, and how love is a moral obligation to cameron, but that doesn't discount the fact that she does want to be there. he's such a jerk smh.

also, this is a misdiagnosis, and applies in later seasons to another character who is attracted to the shine of someone's needi---

finally, i am qualifying this as Wilson's Compulsive Heterosexuality Ground Zero. my entire viewing experience is informed by my reading that wilson likes men in a schroedinger's closet sort of situation. if he doesn't know the closet exists, can he really be trapped inside it? and if that seems wildly out of left field to you, i am dedicated to convincing more people of the merit of this perspective throughout my rewatch, so please stick around! i even try to differentiate this from strictly hilson posting, the caveat being that house is the only man (for a while) with whom he has any close relationship.

superficially, and much like how chase and foreman treat house and cameron's date, it's a huge, silly spectacle to wilson. when he squeezes it out of house at the beginning of the episode, he's comically elated. we can safely lump him in as another Guy Friend who's teasing his emotionally stunted buddy about taking out a much younger woman.

he undoes this, however, after making a surprise appearance (seriously where have you been lol) to cameron much later in the episode. he appeals to her about the upcoming date, friendly at first.

with 1x19 in mind and wilson's warnings to house that if he doesn't drop the pushing-people-away problem, that he'll wind up alone, it follows that he'd warn cameron about how house is most likely going to hurt her feelings, right...?

no, that would be too simple. abruptly, wilson seems really unhappy with this arrangement, and not because it's breaking a dozen HR policies (chase and foreman are right to be worried lol). he tells cameron that she needs to conduct herself well around house because, if he gets hurt again, he might close himself off for good. noble though wilson's intentions might be toward house, this is an unkind thing for wilson to do, imo. he's investing himself in the situation despite house actively keeping him out of it; he's giving his 2 cents when no one asked; he's attempting to control the situation.

and much like how formulaic annette and harvey's arrangement was, that's how wilson views the date's proceedings. the scene immediately following this one is wilson coaching house on how to act, with a nod to sleeping with cameron at the end - the infamous "panty-peeler" comment...

this is an event to be orchestrated, to be observed from a distance, toward which to give unsolicited advice and feedback. wilson runs through the laundry list of topics to bring up - cameron's shoes, her earrings, her DHA (dreams, hopes, and aspirations) - with the express goal of sex at the end. despite asserting to cameron that this date means a lot to house by way of threatening her, wilson won't conceptualize of anything beyond the superficial. he's the persona guy, after all.

wilson's involvement means more to him than the date does; his ability to influence, live vicariously, control his friend and be protective, is written all over his face here:

along with some real kindness because he does want house to find happiness. we haven't seen what happens when they fall out of sync yet though. they can't handle it lol.

this is all pretty subtle - i know i'm reaching a bit - but just think about where house/wilson/cuddy goes in the future seasons. they're both obsessed with orchestrating sexually-charged scenarios to embarrass the other toward the woman who holds power over them both, the difference being that house has genuine feelings for cuddy, while wilson...? it's all about Living Vicariously, without even knowing that he's doing it.

furthermore, it's certainly a 2000s gay joke atp that wilson is so obsessed with shoes. this is at least the 3rd time he's made a comment about them - the time house noticed that he looked pretty at work; the interviewee from 1x19 that was wearing prada shoes, according to wilson; and now this, when he's so certain that women will respond well to compliments about their footwear. clever way of using said gay joke to make the point that he is forcibly superficial in his romantic dealings.

and what did i say in the last recap about inverted visual dynamics/posturing between house and wilson? wilson is seated, looking up at house, talking about/analyzing him, dominating the conversation:

this is NOT, and never will be, a process by which i erase wilson's adultery. whether or not he finds fulfilment in his relationships over the years doesn't mean he hasn't hurt a lot, a lot of women. just because you're suppressed doesn't mean you get to make it everyone else's problem. and the episode's merit isn't all that impeded by qualifying all of my rambles as just wilson being a dirty rotten player who can't keep it in his pants.

i know i deemphasized parts of the episode that stand out, but as the characters get Bigger and Bigger, i've found that i need to focus on what grabs me the most if i ever want to get thru these lol. and is it just me or does wilson consistently have crazy, unwarranted beef with cameron, whether or not house is involved?

[damiraeweek-damiraeevents]

DamiRae Week 24: Degrees of love

As with every year, we’re devoting an upcoming week to celebrate DamiRae and show off the glorious level of talent in our fandom. It’s been four years since our ship became canon in the DCAMU, and we aren’t slowing down.

Romance has a significant presence in Arabic writings, poetry, language, and art. Given Damian Wayne’s often underplayed and underrepresented heritage, we wanted to find a way to incorporate it into this particular fandom celebration. And so, we present this year’s theme:

✨The Degrees of Love in the Arabic Language✨

How to participate?

We wanted to do something special this year to bolster our little community and give people a chance to shine together. We all love a good collaboration, so this year’s dynamic will be:

Match made in heaven

While not mandatory, we’ll be helping to pair up any interested artists and writers whose themes intersect or overlap. Whether it be a story with accompanying fanart, or multiple writers and artists working together on a single piece, we’re truly excited to see what people can come up with when they put their heads together.

Without further adieu, here are the Degrees of Love you have to choose from!

Al meel - Liking/interest

This word is used to describe a fondness or penchant for someone, and can describe the early stages of someone falling in love. It is similar to the word hawa, which is used when someone begins to become more inclined towards a romantic interest. A functional English equivalent can be "to have a crush on someone" - a feeling that can be fleeting and may change over time.

Al khala - Deep friendship

This term is commonly used in religious texts and denotes a strong companionship. Al-khala is the feeling someone shares with someone they have a lot in common with, have a fondness for, and see in a positive light. The person will have a good influence on them, and there will be a strong rapport and loyalty between the pair.

Al shagaf - Infatuation

When love starts to have a physical impact on a person, it can be described as a state of infatuation. This stage causes the lover distress and difficulty, as they can’t be away from their beloved. Usually, when someone is at this stage of love, they are willing to compromise on anything for the one they love, regardless of the consequences.

Al eshq - Passionate love

This particular word features very heavily in songs and poetry and the direct translation of the word is "to be nested in". The stage of love can be described as a state of adoration, where the person is overcome with feelings of desire. This form may involve some form of intimacy, and typically the couple will be inseparable.

Al taym - Bewitchment

Similar to a type of love called al walah, meaning an absurd fondness or bewitchment, this kind of love is considered to be so intense, it is likened to becoming insane. With this intensity of love, the thoughts of the person in love will be completely preoccupied with their beloved. The intense feelings will cloud the person’s mind, leaving them unable to function properly.

Al luw’aa - Anguish

There are some expressions of love that are synonymous with pain, and describe how a lover feels without their beloved. A similar word is al shaju, which means grief, or sababa, which comes from the Arabic word for injury. The word describes the figurative act of spilling blood from one’s heart.

Al tadleeh - Disorder or enslavement

Tadleeh loosely resembles a disorder and comes from the word madlah, which means unable to pay attention.

This degree of love denotes a love so intense and strong that the lover's heart is no longer theirs and becomes a slave to their beloved. They can not free themselves of this love or let go of the person.

Controlling emotions becomes difficult, and the heart feels as though it totally belongs to the beloved. If this is where you find yourself, you are at a place where you are no longer yourself, as you have been fully consumed by your love. People in this stage of love can no longer focus on anything else and are left in a state of disarray and confusion.

Al sahd - Insomnia

At this point, the person has already become too attached to their beloved, and they cannot be without them or think of themselves without the other person. Their thoughts are completely preoccupied by the one they love, to the point that it causes them pain. Like another degree of love, jawa, which is a burning love similar to a heartburn, this degree of love has a physical impact on the lover.

Al istikana - Submission

This degree of love is often described as unhealthy, as it leads a person to a state of blind submission to the one they love. At this stage, one sees the other as almost perfect, with no faults. It can cause someone to overlook any issues or mistakes. In relationships, it can lead to someone being blindly obedient to the other, seeking their affection and approval unquestioningly.

Al huyaam - Madness

One of the most intense degrees of love, huyaam plunges a person into a state of insanity. At this point, a lover has lost all sense of reason and rationality. Containing elements of obsessiveness, this type of love can cause a person to act unusually and do things that are not typical of their personality because of how blinded by passion they are.

Next Sunday we will share a quick survey for anyone interested in collaborating so you can let us know your chosen degree of love and whatever specific idea you may have for bringing it to life. We’ll use that information to pair up anyone interested in collaborating. We will also choose the date to our lovely event, so stay tuned and don't hesitate on DM us if you have any questions!

[thekingofwinterblog]

The Importance of Banter: Varric Tethras

So one of the more interesting takes I've gotten on my breakdowns of Dragon Age characters is the argument that Varric in terms of character development is one of the lesser characters in the game.

He stays the same, doesn't change much from beginning to end, and while enjoyable, his inclusion doesn't add nearly as much as some of the other characters in the game, and relies way too much on the goodwill from da2 to do most of the legwork for his inclusion in the game.

Now this isn't an argument without merit, I might agree a lot with this take... If it wasn't for the inclusion of one Dragon Age's staples, and one of the aspects that Inquisition arguably does better than ether ADO or DA2.

Character Banter.

Character Banter is extremely important because it gives us an insight into how characters think, how they interact, and showcases the more subtle elements that aren't always on display in the game itself.

Compared to the rest of the Characters, Varric is a bit different in that because he was a companion in the previous game, we can see how he's changed since the previous game.

Cassandra Pentaghast

So it's not an exaggeration to say that Cassandra and Varric has what is easily the most dynamic relationahip between any of the companions, having far and away the most interactions together out of party(And thats not even including the fact that all of DA2 is technically them talking to each other.

And this is reflected in their banter as well, where the two of them go back and forth like a married couple.

The thing that most be understood about Cassandra and Varric's banter though, is the fact that Varric is way, way smarter than Cassandra, who isn't dumb, but is not a genius by any stretch, which is reflected in the Dwarf's tendency to run rings around her all the time.

Cassandra: Have you heard from any of your Kirkwall associates Varric?

Varric: You're asking me? So you don't read my letters?

Cassandra: You're no longer my prisoner, much as you like to act like it.

Varric: Yet I still get all the suspicion.

Cassandra: I am not without sympathy, especially given recent events.

Varric: Why, Seeker, I would never accuse you of having sympathy! By the way I tend to refer to my "associates" as "friends". Maybe you're not familiar with the concept.

Cassandra: (sigh)

---

Varric: You know, Seeker, for someone with your tact and charisma you assembled a... pretty good little Inquisition. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you didn't drag them all here by force.

Cassandra: How kind of you.

Varric: I mean, you never know, you could have kidnapped Ruffles and she'd be too polite to say anything.

Cassandra: Leliana recruited Josephine. They're... friends.

Varric: So there's a rational explanation after all. Just when I thought you had layers.

---

Varric: It makes sense that Leliana did the recruiting when the Inquisition started. Not everyone can be intimidated into signing up after all.

Cassandra: I recruited Commander Cullen.

Varric: Lucky him.

Cassandra: He has made no complaints about my manners.

Varric: His last boss was a raving lunatic who turned into a statue. That's not a high bar.

All of these three bits of banter is from early in their shared chain, and illustrates their dynamic very, very well. Varric reads Cassandra like an open book, and is able to completely take control over a situation just by playing the role of the ass who is just sniping at her because he feels like it, when what he's actually doing is maneuvering the conversation so it can end on him having the last words by playing on the things Cassandra knows she cannot refute without lying.

That takes a lot of sponanous wit and an ability to think on the spot, something cassandra does not possess, but Varric has in plenty.

Of course this dynamic is only at the start as they have plenty more as the story develops. One innparticular is their relationship regarding Varric's liturature, which is one of the more entertaining side quests in the game, but it does tell us more about them in the followup banter.

Varric: Seriously? Swords and Shields? How did you find that serial? Scrape it off the bottom of a barrel in Dust Town?

Cassandra: It was research! I thought I might learn more about the Champion.

Varric: I did write a book about the Champion. You might remember it. Had your knife stuck through it last I saw.

Cassandra: I already read that one. Twice.

Here we learn how much Cassandra actually loves to read Varric's work, but more importantly we get something we rarely see in Varric. Him talking about his own failures.

Varric likes to pretend he's this amazing writer who always produce masterpieces, as he himself says to Bianca, as if he'd write about his own failures and mistakes...

And yet there is swords and shields, a book that Varric has deemed an abyssmal failure. A joke, a mediocre piece of trash not worth the paper it was printed on... And yet it has it's fans. This work that varric despises still managed to find an audience, and despite how much satisfaction he had smugly giving it to Cassandra, that still grinds his gears.

People shouldn't like his bad work. It should be forgotten in favor of his masterpieces. A very dwarven way of thinking.

Varric: I can't believe you picked the absolute worst of my books to read. Why not Hard in Hightown?

Cassandra: I have enough mysteries and investigations of my own.

Varric: What? You don't want to solve more in your spare time?

Cassandra: Then you killed my favorite character in Chapter 3, so I threw the book across the room.

Varric: Ah, a critic. Say no more.

In this one, we get Varric both genuinely questioning Cassandra, as he seems to have assumed she actually does like investigating mysteries(she does not), but also tries to nudge her over to read High in Hightown instead.

Cassandra: Varric, how could you let the Knight-Captain be framed for murder?

Varric: Well, I did spent three entire chapters setting it up.

Cassandra: But she didn't deserve it! You'd already put her through more than enough!

Varric: Look, Seeker, if you love a character, you give them pain, ruin their lives, make them suffer. Maybe even throw in a heroic death.

Cassandra: That makes no sense!

Varric: You care enough to argue. If she had a nice afternoon and took a nap, you'd stop reading.

I could deconstruct this, but basically it's just a bit of meta commentary on what makes a good story. Not only will it not be the last, but it's not even the most blatant. After all, this one could apply to other people besides Hawke.

Cassandra: What made you write about Hawke? All your other books are complete fiction.

Varric: Someone had to set the record straight about the Champion.

Cassandra: Yet your book is still full of lies.

Varric: But true ones. That's important.

Varric loves stories... But he understands what stories are at their heart. The difference between a Recounting, and a Tale. That's what history is after all, the Tales everyone passed down.

And what good tale doesn't have a bit of exaggerated bullshit?

Cassandra: Why is the second Hard in Hightown so completely different from the first?

Varric: (sigh) Because I didn't write it. Shit, did you pay actual coin for that book? One of these days, I'm going to find the duster who wrote that garbage and introduce him to my editor.

Cassandra: By "editor," do you mean your crossbow?

Varric: No, my actual editor. Best in the business. She runs half the Coterie in Kirkwall. Stickler for grammar. She once killed a man over a semicolon. I'd never print anything without her.

This one is more meta commentary, but it does have a bit more meat to it. Varric's whole spiel about his editor being super powerful in the Coterie could be the truth, it could be complete bullshit. Or it could be something in between.

That's not the important part. The important part is that he wants Cassandra to guess, to assume, to speculate, because that is far more powerful than just laying it all out could ever be.

Cole: She has to reach the other side of the hill.

Cassandra: Who does?

Cole: The Knight-Captain. But she's injured.

Varric: (sigh) Good job, Kid.

Cassandra: Is she alright? Is that how the book ends?

Varric: Not anymore.

Cassandra: Cole, what happens to her?

Cole: I don't know. The hill went away.

So here we see that Varric is one of THOSE authors. You know the kind, the ones who will rewrite an entire storyline because the big twists was leaked ahead of time.

It's not that important in the grand scheme of things, but it's interesting how through the game we see a very consistent picture of how Varric likes to write. He's a gardner variety writer, but unlike GRRM he's not the kind thst sticks to what he had in mind and sets up if the big twist is learned before it's finished.

As for His banter with Cassandra related to Hawke, it's entertaining, but not exactly that enlightening. Except for one.

If you chose in DA2 to save carver or Bethany by making them grey wardens, you get this bit when Cassandra Questions him about them.

Varric: Aveline took him off somewhere when the Calling started going nuts, but he'll tag along. He always does.

Varric: Aveline took her off somewhere when the Calling started going nuts, but she'll try to keep Hawke out of trouble.

Cassandra misses the obvious, but you probably didn't.

Varric knew about the calling from the start. Oh he didn't know the details, and he didn't know why... But he knew there was something up with the calling from the very start, and probably figured out this was the key reason from day one.

And he didn't share it. At all.

That speaks volumes of where his true loyalties lies, and it's something a lot of people miss.

Cassandra is right. Varric's heart will never truly belong to the Inquisition so long as Hawke and his Kirkwall friends exists outside of it.

There is also a turning point in their conversations, starting around the point where Varric's personal quest with Bianca happened.

Cassandra: Am I to understand your Bianca is married?

Varric: Oh, have we reached the stage where we gossip about each other's love lives?

Varric: Did you hear that, boss? Don't worry, I'll tell you whatever she says.

Cassandra: Forget I mentioned anything. It was a simple question, Varric.

Varric: There was nothing simple about it.

Varric actually blatantly questions wheter they've reached the point where they are now talking about each others love with each other. The truth is though, they actually have.

Varric: You brought up Bianca, Seeker. Does that mean I can ask about your conquests?

Cassandra: I would rather you didn't.

Varric: No tantalizing secrets to divulge?

Cassandra: None.

(If the Inquisitor is in a relationship with Cassandra)

Varric: So no one within, say, a five foot radius has caught your eye?

Inquisitor: Really? No one at all?

Cassandra: This... is not a discussion I want to have here.

Varric: (laughs) Are you blushing, Seeker? Maker, the world really is coming to an end.

Or

Inquisitor: Perhaps Cassandra—and her conquest—would rather not discuss this in public.

Varric: Spoilsport.

Or

Varric: Nothing? You do know he's standing right there...

Cassandra: I... have no conquests.

Varric: How about dalliances? Liaisons? Illicit affairs?

Cassandra: No.

Sera: Enough poking, Varric.

Varric: Is it, Buttercup? Is it?

It a rather humorous affair, but it does show that Varric at this point is comfortable prodding Cassandra's love life, figuring out how far he can push.

Which speaks for itself at how close these two have gotten at this point.

Cassandra: Very well, Varric. If you wish to know about men I have known, I will tell you.

Varric: Look, Seeker. I was only...

Cassandra: You are right. I pried first, and fair is fair. Years ago, I knew a young mage named Regalyan. He was dashing, unlike any man I'd met. He died at the Conclave.

Varric: Oh.

Cassandra: What we had was fleeting. And years had passed. Still, it saddens me to think he's gone.

Varric: I'm sorry.

Nothing to add here, just that Varric sorta gets sad when he realizes that was friendly prodding touched a very bitter and sad point from Cassandra's pain.

For which he apologizes.

Varric: Look, Seeker, I didn't mean to make you talk about your mage friend.

Cassandra: I know. I was not trying to make you speak of Bianca. If I was, you would know. I would yell, books would be stabbed.

Varric: (Chuckles.) I'll keep that in mind.

Also as the game reaches the end section, Varric and Cassandra begin to really banter in a much more friendly way.

Cassandra: I still don't understand how drakes take that hand.

Varric: ...Hmm. Maybe we should start you on Shepherd's Six.

Cassandra: Isn't that a children's game?

Varric: Yeah.

When trying to teach Cassandra card games at this point in the story, Varric has the perfect set up for a punchline like he did in the early game, but he doesn't use it, because he isn't mocking cassandra here, he's genuinely trying to teach her how to play cards.

And so he suggest starting her off with something simple, like a card game for children, cause he understands thats where she has to start at her level.

There are plenty more, but most of it is just well written, engaging or funny back and forths. But before moving on, i wanna highlight two of them.

Varric: Did you really think the Conclave had a chance of making peace, Seeker?

Cassandra: You do not?

Varric: What was the Divine's plan? Bring everyone together and hope really hard that they would all get along?

Cassandra: Most Holy did not confide her plan to me. Perhaps she thought they were tired of death and conflict.

Varric: Oh, when is that ever been true? For Templars or mages.

Cassandra: I will not mock a dead woman, Varric. She did what she could, and that is more than most.

This conversation is very important for one simple reason. It showcases how much Varric has changed since DA2. Varric used to be one of the big believers in compromise in that game. He didn't come out and say it out right, because in that game the Templar far and away were the more evil faction, and so there was way more chances for Varric to stick up for mages, but Varric really, REALLY didn't want the mages and Templars to go to war.

He had so many friends in both factions, friends he knew would die if it ever did come to true blows.

I would say that varric was probably the best example of what neutrality in such a situation should have been. Someone who is neutral because he understood thst fundamentally, both sides even at their worst, were people. Not demons, not monsters, but human beings or elves. But unlike many others who clamor for neutrality, Varric wasn't stuck up his own ass about it.

If he saw one side go over the ljne, regardless of which it was, he would not just stand by wheter it was power hungry necromantic blood mages, or Templars like Ser Alrik.

But here, he mocks the very idea of neutrality. He has completely given up on it, and he's accepted that the only solution here, is for one side or the other will have to decisively crush the opposition.

Of course he doesnt come out and say it like that, but that's the message to take away here. So long as there is a templar or mage on the field, this war will continue. He doesn't like that fact, but he has accepted it.

Cassandra: I hear reconstruction is progressing well in Kirkwall.

Varric: I know things are bad there.

Cassandra: I wasn't trying to...

Varric: You weren't trying to remind me how bad is it in Kirkwall? So you decided to talk about it?

Cassandra: About its recovery!

Varric: What you're talking about are the buildings, and even that will take years. People don't recover so easily.

Kirkwall, that is to say, the Kirkwall Varric was born in, grew up in, and spent the happiest years of his life(When he was running there with Hawke), is dead and gone, and never coming back.

He is never getting it back.

Which will be very important for the next companion's banter.

Blackwall

Blackwall is different than the rest of the crew in that he's utterly reliant on the Banter to have any sort of presence. He has no charisma in the actual game, but he does showcase a much more entertaining character in banter.

In regards to Varric though, his mian purpose is to showcase aspects of Varric we don't often see.

One of the most important comes very, very early into their relationship.

Blackwall: I once met a dwarf who made the best home-brewed ale.

Varric: I once met a Grey Warden who got possessed by a spirit and then blew up a Chantry and killed a hundred people. What makes people think you want to hear what others of "your kind" have done, anyway?

This is a moment that is:

1. Very uncharacteristic of Varric, who usually loves talking about other people if he gets any excuse to do so, and will be demonstrated in a very similar moment in his banter with the Iron Bull, only with a different reaction.

2. It's here to showcase Varric's hatred for Anders. Other than Sebastian, Varric misses pretty much the entire DA2 cast, his true best friends... Except for Anders.

Varric LOATHES Anders for his actions, for kickstarting the Mage Templar War and getting lots of his friends killed, but also for destroying his home and making his own worst fear come true.

Varric's biggest fear as shown in the fade is becoming his parents... And that's exactly what he has become in DAI. The depressed exile from a home city that he can never return to, and if he does, it won't be the same life they miss so dearly. Varric misses Kirkwall. He misses it's people, the Hanged man, and always thinking back on the glory days of his life.

And he misses Hawke.

All lost to him and never coming back, all thanks to Anders. Varric can never return back to that time, that place, that era, that friend group that was the highpoint of Varric's life, because the city of Champion Hawke and Varric the sidekick is as dead and gone as his parents.

The hanged man will never be the same, Hawke will never be the revered Hero they were after act 2, and every single one of the countless friends that Varric misses will not come back.

And so he hates Anders with a level of hatred he reserves for very, very few people.

The rest of Varric's starting relationship with Blackwall is about him trying to figure out what makes him tick, innitially pegging him as another Sebastian. Boring, safe, droll.

He also has more banter where he shows how depressed he actually is about Kirkwall.

Blackwall: I've been to Kirkwall. The Hanged Man, actually, probably been twenty years now. It was a dive if I remember correctly.

Varric: It's the dive. Filled with the best and worst people in the world.

Blackwall: Yes, I heard it was a haunt of yours.

Varric: Haunt? It was home.

He finally clicks with Blackwall, as they get into a shared passion nobody else in the party has. Jousting. The sport consistent of knocking people of horses with pointy sticks.

As a Free Marcher Varric has grown up with the Grand Tourney as a focal point of his identity, and loves the sport, so he and Blackwall bonds and argues over the sport, with the most notable part being their disagreements over who is the better jousting knight, where he also gives his own cents in the form of a meta commentary between who is the better protagonist, the Hero of Ferelden or Hawke.

Blackwall: You can't really think Reeve Asa is a better knight than Honorine Chastain. Her record's flawless. Four hundred jousts, never unseated. No one's ever come close to it.

Varric: Oh, she's easily the most skilled. That's a fact. It's just "scrappy" is better than "flawless." I like heroes who try their damnedest, even if they fail a lot. It's easy to be valiant when you always win and everything goes your way. There's nothing great in that.

The rather unsubtle meta message here, is comparing the protagonists of the first games.

The warden is the stronger, more skilled and more competent protagonist who ultimately always triumphed, changed the world, and became heralded far and wide as the greatest hero of her age.

Meanwhile Hawke is the scrappy underdog hero who always gets back on their feet regardless of how hard they fall, and never actually suceeds in anything. Hawke is a failure Hero who couldn't save their mother, their city, at least one of their siblings, maybe two, Ketojan, couldn't prevent the Qunari attack, and constantly failed to save the day through DA2.

Now i don't really agree with this rather simplistic reading of the Warden, but it's a good scene, because it shows that Varric is more than capable of overlooking all the work, effort and time it takes to produce a "perfect" result, as well as show that Varric has a very hard preference for underdogs, and the stories they produce.

Which leads into his reaction when Blackwall confesses his sins.

Varric: Maybe I've been too hard on you.

Blackwall: Oh, so you don't think I'm dreadful now.

Varric: Actually, I thought you were boring before. Completely different. We're all dreadful. Every one of us, fundamentally flawed in a hundred different ways. That's why we're here, isn't it? Take all the risks, so the good people stay home where it's safe. With the whole "Blackwall" thing, you told a story so compelling even you started to believe it.

Blackwall: That's much nicer than saying "You're a dirty liar.", I'll take it.

Varric: A story-teller's got to believe his own story, or no one will.

Here we can gleam a sad fact. Varric very pointedly notes "we're all dreadfull", as Us, as in, him included.

Varric doesn't really consider himself a good person anymore, if he ever did.

It's not like the Varric of Yesteryear considered hinself a saint or some knight in shining armor, but there was a sense that he was happy with himself during that game, in a way he is not in DAI.

Something has changed, and that something is guilt over unleashing the red lyrium on the world, and probably guilt over killing his own friends.

It's not really focused on as much as it should be, but Varric had plenty of friends amongst both the mages and Templars... Which meant that when Anders blew up the chantry, regardless of which side you picked, Varric was forced to kill people who genuinely mattered to him.

Hence why he's so quick to forgive Blackwall for his lies.

For the most part this generally manifests itself in regards to Red Lyrium, which he blames himself for bringing into the world. I would argue that the more subtle parts you get to see in Banter though, is far, far more interesting and better told than the stuff in the main quest.

Because despite his flaws he "takes all the risks, so the good people won't have to.", just like Varric and Hawke.

This is in large amount what Varric in Inquisition is for the most part all about. Guilt, self loathing, and wanting to be a better person.

He just masks it with his usual wit, charm and charisma.

Kinda like Blackwall, only he doesn't really have much charisma or wit to hide behind. Hence why he is so accepting of, and willing to give him another chance without question.

On a final note before we move on from Blackwall, we also get to see varric try to play matchmaker between Blackwall and Josephine which is cute, but not exactly surprising, or give us further insight into Varric's character.

Cole

Now, I'm not going to cover Cole here, not because the banter isn't interesting, or we don't learn anything, but that's all from the way we learn about the world, or Cole himself.

Varric's side of these banters can be summed up in one sentence, for pretty much every single banter.

Varric is Cole's dad.

Rinse, repeat.

Dorian

Similarily, I will not be covering the banter with dorian, not because it's bad, far from it, it's some of the most entertaining in the game, but it doesn't exactly add much beyond the fact that both Varric and Dorian love to gamble, and share witty banter.

Also nugs has some creepy ass feet. The stuff of nightmares.

The Iron Bull

Far more to be dissected, can be found in Varric's banter with the Iron Bull.

There is so much to learn from this banter, from Spy work to how the Antaam is viewed by the other Qunari and so on, but we'll focus on the stuff relating to varric, as he and bull talk about a lot of things.

Varric: You're not the first Ben-Hassrath I've run across. Hawke and I went on a caper with one named Tallis.

Iron Bull: You don't say.

Varric: She caused us no end of trouble. You wouldn't know her by any chance?

Iron Bull: Hey, one time I ran into this dwarf on the road. Short, grouchy. You think you might know him?

Varric: I'm in the Merchant Guild. Ten royals says I not only know him—he owes me money.

Iron Bull: Oh. Well... no. I don't know Tallis. Sorry.

In stark contrast to his talk with Iron bull, when not involving Anders or other people he hates, Varric loves to talk about people. To the point that in his comeback to Iron Bull, there is an invitation here for Bull to specify who this random dwarf was, because chances are, he actually might know him, and could elaborate on the guy.

Varric: How could you possibly be a spy?

Iron Bull: Well, it's a pretty easy job. I do some fighting, and drinking, and then once in a while I tell Par Vollen about it.

Varric: Heh. Where's the sneaking, the plotting, the subtle machinations?

Iron Bull: If you do that, everyone knows you're a spy. Drinking, fighting, writing notes, that's all it really takes.

Varric: Shit. You're either the worst qunari ever, or the best. I can't decide.

He also showcases great frustration with the way Iron Bull pokes holes in his Bond like spy writing, in favor of the mundane realities of Cloak and Dagger stuff.

Because for all that he prides himself on tall tales, varric does like his writing to somewhat be plausible. Its why he gets pissy at the inquisitor when he tells him how stupid so many parts of DA2 were writing wise, cause Varric wrote it how it happened, and while embelishing it, it was mostly true.

And if his spy writing isn't realistic enough that it might plausibly happen... Then it's not as good as it could be.

Iron Bull: By the way, Varric, you write some nice fight scenes.

Varric: Well, thank you. I'm surprised you think so. They're not exactly realistic.

Iron Bull: I figured that out when the good guy did a backflip while wearing a chain mail shirt.

Varric: And that didn't bother you?

Iron Bull: Back in Seheron, I fell on a guy who tried to stab me in the gut. I felt the blade chip as it went through my gut and hit my back ribs. But I was alive, and on top. I sawed through the armor on the rebel's neck, back and forth, until it went red. I don't need a book to remind me that the world is full of horrible crap.

Varric: Impossible swashbuckling it is.

Meanwhile, this bit is surprisingly layered.

First off, there is Bull's retelling and describing the way he dealt with the Vint while bing impaled as "realistic". If this was not a world with magical healing such as potions or poultices he'd had died from this incident, due to infection if nothing else. That's meant as a bit of meta irony.

But the actual meat of this, is that Varric is just letting Bull rant.

The whole "Backflip while wearing chainmail armor" is something Hawke can literarily do in DA2, Provided you are a rogue Hawke and has high enough stats. If so, when hit by a trap, Hawke will simply backflip out of the way, even if wearing chainmail armor.

It is the kind of shit that for a long was normal for Varric, and he writes it into his fight scenes(Which he has a self dig at calling them not realistic, despite having seen shit like that for himself all the time).

But he doesnt say any of that.

Instead he just lets Bull rant, get it out there how shitty he really feels, because varric knows when to talk, and when to listen, and here is a time to listen.

Varric: So, Bull. You and Dorian?

Iron Bull: Mm-hmm.

Varric: "Two worlds tearing them apart, Tevinter and Qunari, with only love to keep them together."

Dorian: I don't see how this is even remotely your business, Varric.

Iron Bull: Could you make it sound angrier? "Love" is a bit soft.

Dorian: Please stop helping the dwarf.

Varric: How about passion?

Iron Bull: Yes, that's better. Love is all starlight and gentle blushes. Passion leaves your fingers sore from clawing the sheets.

Dorian: You could at least have had the courtesy to use the bedposts.

Iron Bull: Hey, don't top from the bottom.

Varric: Passion it is, then.

Also, i wanna highlight his banter with bull, if he and dorian hook up, and if both are with him in the party. It's really the only bit of Dorian varric banter with real character meat to it, as it puts Dorian's rarely seen tsundere side on full display, and why he makes such a good match with the easy going, yet equally passionate iron bull.

Iron Bull: Hey, Varric, I was reading your stuff... Where do your bad guys come from?

Varric: Well, some of them come from Tevinter and some are Ben-Hassrath spies... but I like the stories where the villain was the man beside you the whole time. The best villains don't see themselves as evil. They're fighting for a good cause, willing to get their hands dirty.

Iron Bull: All right, that's really deep and all, but I meant where do the bad guys come from literally? The way you write it, it's like they just fall from the sky and land on top on the hero.

Varric: I like to leave some things to the reader's imagination.

Also, final bit i'll cover of these two here. It's both a meta hit of writing in that it's supposed to be about solas, but can also apply to Iron bull, and is a self depreciating dig on the single worst gameplay mechanic from DA2.

Sera

So, as with Cole and Dorian, im not covering this sequence of banter as it doesn't really reveal much about Varric as a character. Its generally just Sera trying her usual bullshit, and Varric taking the piss out of her, much to her frustration.

Im not exactly a big fan of Sera, and even here, where most of their dialogue is about Varric basicaly running rings around her, don't really makes me smile.

There is one bit of banter though, that i do want to highlight.

Sera: (sing-song) La la la la la, Sentinals are shits.

Varric: Like it or not, Buttercup, that’s where you come from.

Sera: Says the undwarfiest dwarf ever!

Varric: Fair enough. Paragons can be shits too.

So, this one i feel is extremely important, for the reason that it goes to showcase that 1. Sera doesn't understand Varric in the slightest, and 2. Really goes to showcase Sera's complete and total lack of self awareness, and just how out of touch she is, raiding other people's homes, and calling them shits for defending themselves.

But that second one i'll save for Sera's banter review.

For this one, I want to highlight how Varric, just like Dorian understands and more importantly loves the Culture he originates from. He knows how shitty dwarven culture can be, and will never avoid taking the piss out of it for all it's flaws, but he also admires it. He admires their ability to create marvels, their grit and determination that has seen them take on the Darkspawn for a hundred years and still stand, and the individuals that stood up and above the rest to serve as legends, just like Hawke and the Inquisitor.

There is a reason his hangouts in both games are decorated full of very traditional dwarven furniture. Because he wants to live in a home that looks dwarven.

Because the past is important.

It's a bit of wisdom he tries, and fails to impart to Sera, that you simply trying to pretend your roots don't exists never works. And he's right. Even though Sera never admits wrong on her own part, she fully admits she burnt out on this spiteful hatred in Tresspasser.

Solas

Solas and Varric's banter though, is far, far more interesting.

Both of them are tricksters, both value the past greatly in their own way, both understands the power of a story, both of them lie to the Inquisitor, and both would rather remain the side character than step up to take the spotlight.

And yet they are different. Opposites almost.

One of Varric's defining feature as a person is that he cares about all his friends and how those friendships transcends the chains of status, having become friends with dwarves, Qunari, kossiths, humans, elves, templars, mages, seekers, antivans, fereldens, kirkwallers, orlesians, tevinters, anders, revains, avvar, and so on.

Solas single defining feature is how he sees everyone he does not knows except for his own, very small list of what he considers countrymen, as not things, and is willing to destroy the world for them to prosper.

Varric stays out of the spotlight cause he likes being the power behind the throne. Solas does it because as the Herald's Judas, he doesn't want anyone to question the many, many questions about him further than they have to.

Varric lives in the present, but respects the past. Solas in the past, and is terrified of the present.

Which leads to some of the most interesting banter in the game.

Solas: By the end of Hard in Hightown, almost every character is revealed as a spy or a traitor.

Varric: Wait, you read my book?

Solas: It was in the Inquisition library. Everyone but Donnen turned out to be in disguise. Is that common?

Varric: Are we still talking about books or are you asking if everyone I know is a secret agent?

Solas: Are there many tricksters in dwarven literature?

Varric: A handful, but they're the exception. Mostly they're just honoring the ancestors. It's very dull stuff. Human literature? Now there's where you'll find the tricky, clever, really deceptive types.

Solas: Curious.

Varric: Not really. Dwarves write how they want things to be. Humans write to figure out how things are.

Solas questions Varric about the to him, alien Dwarven liturature, trying to figure out what the new, "lesser" dwarves might write about when no longer part of a hivemind.

Varric gives it to him straight, but there is a deeper bit of character here.

Varric is able to explain this to Solas, because as a man who understands Dwarven culture, strengths, flaws, and weaknesses, and how it ticks, as well as undoubtedly having read a lot of dwarven literature, Varric is able to point out all it's shortcomings, or more accurately the way Human and Dwarven literature trends differentiate due to different cultural values.

Varric: You really spend most of your time in the Fade?

Solas: As much as is possible. The Fade contains a wealth of knowledge for those who know where to look.

Varric: Sure, but I don't know how you dream, let alone wander around in there.

Varric: Especially when the shit that comes out of the Fade generally seems pretty cranky.

Solas: So are humans, but we continue to interact with them... when we must.

Here Varric pries a bit into a topic he(If you took him with you in night terrors) only has experienced once before for himself, from someone who knows more about the fade and the veil than anyone.

Solas ends it on a much darker note than Varric assumes though, as what he means is, we have to tolerate them "for now."

Solas: Is it true that the entire dwarven economy relies upon lyrium?

Varric: Mostly. We've got the nug market cornered as well.

Solas: And the dwarves of Orzammar have never studied lyrium?

Varric: If they have, they certainly haven't shared anything up here. Why?

Solas: It is the source of all magic, save that which mages bring themselves.

Solas: Dwarves alone have the ability to mine it safely. I wondered if they had sought to learn more.

Varric: The folks back in Orzammar don't care much about anything but tradition.

So here we have Varric flat out bullshit Solas in several ways. He knows way more about lyrium than most, having studied red lyrium himself, and yet he does not give that information to Soals, the way he does with the Herald, showing that deep down, Varric trusts you far more than Solas, if not as much as Hawke.

He also knows that both surface and underground Dwarves have deeper knowledge of lyrium than any human, being it's the source of all the enchantments and magic, and that while they might not know it's origins, they understand how it works, and how to use it, transport it, store it, and so on.

If there is one thing Orzammar is good at, and not stuck in tradition, it's exploiting Lyrium to the hilt.

And yet he bullshits Solas about it completely. Because this is an early banter, the likely reason is simply that he does not trust him.

Which given his other important lies is not surprising.

And solas later recognizes this.

Solas: I find the fall of the dwarven lands confusing.

Varric: What's so confusing about endless darkspawn?

Solas: A great deal, although that is a different matter. Dwarves control the flow of lyrium. They could tighten their grip on it.

Varric: It's hard to get the attention of the humans when the darkspawn aren't up here messing with their stuff.

Solas: You're active in the Carta. You know your people could tug the purse strings. You could claim sovereign land on the surface, or demand help restoring the dwarven kingdom, but you don't.

Varric: You're not saying anything I haven't said myself, Chuckles. Orzammar is what it is

Solas Attacks Varric's arguments from adifferent angle here, without directly calling him a liar from the banter before, as he points out just how much power Orzammar has through it's economic might, how even if they know how to use Lyrium so effectively, they haven't been wielding that might to effecrively hammer out an anti Darkspawn coalition to crush the darkspawn in their own dens and wipe them out from the source.

Realistically, the dwarves are rhe only ones who could see it done, and yet they havent. Because before Bhelen, there was never a king willing to upend the entire system to get results.

Varric doesn't actually give his direct thoughts in this bit of banter, but it goes into future ones. Before that though, im gonna quickly cover another bit of banter.

Solas: Do you ever miss life beneath the earth? The call of the Stone?

Varric: Nah. Whatever the Stone - capital S - is, it was gone by the time my parents had me.

Solas: But... do you miss it?

Varric: How could I miss what I never had?

Varric: But say I did have that sense, that connection to the Stone. What would it cost me?

Varric: Would I lose my friends up here? Would I stop telling stories?

Varric: I like who I am. If I want to hear songs, I'll go to the tavern.

Solas: You are wiser than most.

Solas worships the past, to such a degree that he thinks being part of a hivemind under the titans, must have been better for the Dwarves, because of what it allowed them to accomplish by magic, and more importantly that it's what they used to be.

And what they used to be, must be better than what they are now, because the past is better.

Meanwhile Varric is content with the present. He never had stone sense, so why worry about it? Why dream of it, why become his parents? That would be absolutely awful, so why not embrace what you have now.

Though Solas doesn't know it, his backhanded praise here is actually even moreso than he knows.

Its backhanded by intention, because he acknowledges that varric is wiser than those who would wail about their lost glory... But as we'll see in the following banter, he regards all Dwarves, regardless of wheter they are like Varric, as lessers and fools. So varric is better... But he is still a fool.

Meanwhile, on Varric's part, it's even more backhanded than Solas intends because Varric is doing exactly what he's saying he isn't here.

Dreaming of glory days when all was simplier and he was a happier man. He's not dreaming of stone sense itself, but the sentiment is the same.

And he knows it. That's one of the saddest things about Varric in DAI. He became his parents, his worst fear, but he's very much aware of that fact.

Solas: Is there at least a movement to reunite Orzammar and Kal-Sharok?

Varric: What is it with you, Chuckles? Why do you care so much about the dwarves?

Solas: Once, in the Fade, I saw the memory of a man who lived alone on an island. Most of his tribe had fallen to beasts or disease. His wife had died in childbirth. He was the only one left. He could have struck out on his own to find a new land, new people. But he stayed. He spent every day catching fish in a little boat, every night drinking fermented fruit juice and watching the stars.

Varric: I can think of worse lives.

Solas: How can you be happy surrendering, knowing it will all end with you? How can you not fight?

Varric: I suppose it depends on the quality of the fermented fruit juice.

Solas: So it seems.

---

Solas:: I am sorry to have bothered you with my questions about your people Varric. I see so much of this world in dreams. Humans, my own people, even qunari. Dwarves alone were lost to me, save scattered fragments of memory where some spirit cared to watch. Now I know why I see so little.

Varric: And why is that?

Solas:: Dwarves are the severed arm of a once mighty hero, lying in a pool of blood. Undirected. Whatever skill of arms it had, gone forever. Although it might twitch to give the appearance of life, it will never dream.

Varric: I'd avoid mentioning that to any Carta, Chuckles. They might not take it the right way.

---

Varric: What's with you and the doom stuff? Are you always this cheery or is the hole in the sky getting to you?

Solas: I've no idea what you mean.

Varric: All the "fallen empire" crap you go on about. What's so great about empires anyway?

Varric: So we lost the Deep Roads, and Orzammar is too proud to ask for help. So what? We're not Orzammar and we're not our empire.

Varric: There are tens of thousands of us living up here in the sunlight now, and it's not that bad.

Varric: Life goes on. It's just different than it used to be.

Solas: And you have no concept of what that difference cost you.

Varric: I know what it didn't cost me. I'm still here, even after all those thaigs fell.

---

Solas: You truly are content to sit in the sun, never wondering what you could've been, never fighting back.

Varric: Ha, you've got it all wrong, Chuckles. This is fighting back.

Solas: How does passively accepting your fate constitute a fight?

Varric: In that story of yours—-the fisherman watching the stars, dying alone. You thought he gave up, right?

Solas: Yes.

Varric: But he went on living. He lost everyone, but he still got up every morning. He made a life, even if it was alone.

Varric: That's the world. Everything you build, it tears down. Everything you've got, it takes. And it's gone forever.

Varric: The only choices you get are to lie down and die or keep going. He kept going. That's as close to beating the world as anyone gets.

Solas: Well said. Perhaps I was mistaken

This entire banter line is about Varric and Solas.

On solas part it's about his very well spoken and articulated racist opinions on the modern dwarves compared to those who came before and trying to rack his brian around them not going to the lengths he himself would have gone to save their race.

Also the fact they are no longer part of the Titan hivemind. He's really stuck on that for reasons we don't really fully understand.

However, far, far more importantly this is about Varric's entire storyline in DAI.

Varric talks about Orzammar, about the loss of the deep roads, and yet they are all still there, still fighting, still marching on, rather than laying down and dying.

That is the true strength of the Dwarven race.

The ability to keep going even after losing everything. The original dwarves lost the titans and their magic. They marched on.

The dwarven empire lost the deep roads, and all but two thaigs. They marched on.

The surface dwarves lost their caste the last remains of their magic, and their status in dwarven society. They marched on.

Varric lost kirkwall. He lost his entire friend group that was the people who he loved more than any other group of people he has ever know. He lost his home that he grew up in and loved. He lost his parents and he lost Barthrand, the only remaining family he had, and who despite it all deeply, deeply loved. He lost Bianca, a teenage infatuation he never was able to get over.

And he lost Hawke. Either to Anders kickstsrting the war, or to the fade.

He lost everything he loved.

And yet He. Marched. On.

Varric's story in DAI is an understated one, one that isn't really given story focus, but unlike all the rest of the attempts at telling a more subtle story with the companions, this one actually worked.

Varric's story, is about his march onwards.

He lost everything due to Anders actions, and yet here he is. Marching forward through life. He hasn't laid down and died. He's still here. He's still fighting.

He still has hope.

And so he marches on through the twilight of his life, and keeps going, even if he loses Hawke forever... He keeps going, and he makes it through his depression, and grief to make a new life for himself in Kirkwall.

A new Kirkwall, but Kirkwall nonetheless.

Solas: That crossbow is remarkable, Varric. I am surprised the dwarves have not made more of them.

Varric: The woman who made Bianca would rather that not happen. Wars are bloody enough as it is.

Varric: A crossbow that fires this far and this quickly with so little training? Every battle would be a massacre.

Solas: Indeed. I am surprised, not disappointed.

Here we get a lot of insight into Varric... But also a moment of great moral ambiguity.

Everything Varric says here is true... But it would also mean his people finally, finally being able to destroy the darkspawn for good and all. Such a tech advantage would allow them to wipe the blighted Creatures from existence with ease.

Varric is more than brilliant enough to understand this... But he chooses not to think about it, or wheter it's a good course of actions, because he is shackled to Bianca even now, even still.

Bianca wants this crossbow not to be on the market, so he doesn't put it on the market, regardless of good or bad.

Varric: Hey Chuckles, do you ever play Wicked Grace?

Solas: I'm not much of a gambler anymore.

Varric: You don't have to play for real coin, that's just for keeping score.

Solas: What do you play for?

Varric: Conversation mostly. That way I win no matter how the cards fall.

This is a followup to Varric's original introductionary short story from way back in the day.

From that one we learn that Varric doesn't actually drink anything served at the Hanged man, he just orders a wine glass or beer mug, because he knows people get nervous if you don't drink in a bar, so he crafts an illusion to aid him in his rogue life.

Vivienne

So like a number of these I'm not gonna cover them in full, as while good, and well written, and paints a very clear picture of Vivienne, they're not exactly deep character pieces for Varrix... But I do wanna cover a few.

Vivienne: Am I to understand, Varric, that you knew the apostate who destroyed Kirkwall's chantry?

Varric: Unfortunately, yes.

Vivienne: What could he possibly have hoped to accomplish with such madness?

Varric: Exactly what he got: a whole lot of innocent people killing each other.

Vivienne: I take it he's no longer on your Wintersend gift list.

Varric: Depends. Does a flaming sack of bronto dung count as a gift?

Vivienne: Only if you tie it with a silk ribbon, my dear.

More Varric hating Anders, and laying all the blame of the Mage Templar Wars and ruining his life on him.

Vivienne: Tell me, Varric, who is the protagonist of this serial?

Varric: You know, we're so far into spoiler territory right now, I think I better stop talking.

Vivienne: Come now, darling. You can tell me.

Varric: Not on your life, Iron Lady. The best way to ensure a book's nevered finish is to tell someone your entire plot.

More Varric showcasing he cannot stand spoilers coming out, and it destroys his entire ability to write.

Vivienne: You know, Varric darling, I read your Hard in Hightown.

Varric: You did? Seriously?

Vivienne: Most of the Imperial Court did. It was in fashion a few winters ago.

Varric: Just how much gold is my publisher stealing from me?

One detail i really like about Varric, is that he tries to create this image of himself as always bring in control and all that... And then he has moments like this where his regular ass publisher swindles him for a shit ton of money.

Vivienne: How many chapters will this book be, Varric dear?

Varric: Well, the first one will come out in twelve chapters.

Vivienne: The first one?

Varric: I've read enough Orlesian fictions to know you never tell a story there in fewer than three complete books. They think you're just warming up after one.

Vivienne: And what happens to the scheming duchess in the first book?

Varric: Are you asking for spoilers, Madame De Fer?

Vivienne: Hints, darling. Not spoilers.

More Varric showcasing he understands other cultures and how they write stories.

[infizero]

Why Ambrosius and Ballister’s Relationship Feels So Different in the Movie (Nimona)

As someone who read Nimona countless times growing up, I am very familiar with the story and these characters. Which is why when I watched the movie, I was struck by how different Ambrosius and Ballister felt. They seemed like totally different and unfamiliar characters to me, and it didn’t have anything to do with their designs.

After rereading the original Nimona graphic novel recently, I’ve come to the conclusion that the main reason they feel like completely different characters in the movie comes down to one thing: the removal of the joust.

When I watched the movie, I was surprised by the fact that they changed the circumstances that drove these two apart. But it didn’t hit me just how much this one event shapes both of their characters and their relationship to each other until I reread the book. 

The joust is CRUCIAL to their dynamic. It pervades every interaction they have with each other, they bring it up constantly, it is literally the crux of their collective storyline. We learn about it on PAGE 5 of the whole book, and their big heart-to-heart when Ballister is captured near the climax of the story is based around Ambrosius finally admitting the truth about what happened. Honestly I’d say that him finally coming to terms with what he did and apologizing for it is probably what allowed these two to finally find peace together by the end of the book.

We get something similar to it in the movie. Ambrosius still is responsible for Ballister losing his arm, but it is under WILDLY different circumstances. So I want to talk about how the joust affects them in the book, and then explain why the movie’s version of events, while similar on the surface, has a completely different effect on everything. So let’s get into it!

(All images of the book are via pictures of my own physical copy btw, so apologies if they’re not the best quality.)

(Also I want to make it clear that I don’t hate the movie nor its adaptation of these two. I do personally greatly prefer the book, but this post is not here to tear down the movie and exclaim that the book was way better. I just find it interesting how changing one event can have huge ripple effects!)

Part 1: The Graphic Novel (AKA: “My Boyfriend Shot Off My Arm Because of His Wild Ambition!”)

Like I said before, we learn about the joust very early on; Chapter 2, page 5. It is told to us first via Ballister’s perspective. Nimona asks if she can kill Ambrosius while they’re making evil plans, and Ballister says no -- if anyone is going to kill Ambrosius, it’s going to be him. We then get a flashback to the joust itself.

Ballister explains how they were friends and how the joust was the first time they had been pitted against each other. Ballister won fair and square, but in his words:

BALLISTER: “but Ambrosius hates to lose.”

BALLISTER: “He always claimed it was an accident. No one could prove otherwise.”

BALLISTER: “Turns out the Institution had no use for a one-armed hero. I took the only other viable option.”

Ambrosius used a weaponized lance and blasted Ballister’s arm off. After the incident, Ballister was rejected by the Institution, and became a villain instead of the hero he had originally set out to be.

In Chapter 3 we see Ambrosius appear for the first time, and he and Ballister have a very relaxed sort of cartoon hero-villain dynamic going on. There’s definitely real animosity between them, but they don’t hesitate to simply talk casually to each other or help each other when things go south. It’s all pretty lighthearted and lowkey. 

They fight briefly, but after Nimona triggers the building they’re in to self-destruct, Ambrosius doesn’t hesitate to help Ballister escape and Ballister doesn’t hesitate to accept his help. Ambrosius even tries to reassure him that Nimona will be fine. After they make it out, with Nimona presumed dead, Ambrosius puts a hand on his shoulder and tells him to go before more guards show up. They may be “arch-nemesises”, but they certainly don’t act like it.

AMBROSIUS: “Haven’t you missed our fights? We haven’t done this since you tried to clone the king’s daughter!”

BALLISTER: “Ambrosius, I really don’t have time for this.”

AMBROSIUS: “Are you trying to make me jealous?”

BALLISTER: “You’re an idiot.”

By the way, I’m not going to be doing a full breakdown of every single scene with them, don’t worry. I just think that their first interaction shows off their dynamic very well. This is presumably how they’ve been with each other since the incident, as it’s made clear both here and throughout the book that they’ve both been doing this for a while at this point. They have a very established dynamic, which is important as that is one of the big differences between the book and the movie. (I’ll get into that more later.)

Whenever these two interact throughout the book, it’s clear that they have very different opinions on the incident that drove them apart and how their relationship functions now.

Ambrosius tries to act like it was simply an accident and that it doesn’t matter. Ballister became a villain of his own volition, and now they are arch-nemesises who have to fight because that’s their job -- though he doesn’t exactly act like he hates Ballister. 

Meanwhile Ballister saw it as a deep betrayal, and while he definitely still cares deeply about Ambrosius, he cannot get over the incident as easily as Ambrosius can.

Their respective feelings about what happened are shown perfectly in the scene in Chapter 7 where Ambrosius invites Ballister to meet with him in secret. Ambrosius tells him that the Institution has ordered him to kill Nimona and begs him to send her away, both so he doesn’t have to kill her and so things can go back to “normal.” Ballister then says that Ambrosius gave up normal at the joust.

AMBROSIUS: “I can’t believe you’re still hung up about that. It was a long time ago, you know.”

AMBROSIUS: “Besides, it was an ACCIDENT.”

BALLISTER: “I bet you’ve said that so many times you’ve started to actually believe it.”

Ambrosius insists it was an accident, and Ballister claims that he blasted off his arm because he couldn’t stand that Ballister was better than him. This sets Ambrosius off and they begin to argue.

AMBROSIUS: “You can’t blame me for how your life turned out! You made the choice to turn evil!”

BALLISTER: “Choice? I never had a choice! The Institution needed a villain. That lot fell to me. I never chose it.”

BALLISTER “And it could just as easily have been you, had that “accident” happened differently!”

AMBROSIUS: “Oh please! Do you really believe that?”

AMBROSIUS: “You never had it in you to be a hero! Everyone always knew that you were going to be the one to go bad!”

Ambrosius has convinced himself that Ballister chose to become evil, and that he isn’t responsible for what happened because it was an accident. We later learn that it wasn’t an accident though, which means that this really is him just making excuses so he doesn’t have to accept responsibility.

Ballister brings up the idea of Ambrosius becoming like him again after they fight, in one of if not my favorite scene between them in the whole book:

AMBROSIUS: “uugghh”

BALLISTER: “What if I cut off your arm right now?”

BALLISTER: “Then you’d see how fast the Institution would cast you aside. Just like they did me.”

AMBROSIUS: “You wouldn’t.”

BALLISTER: “No, I wouldn’t.”

BALLISTER: “And I’m the villain.”

BALLISTER: “What do you suppose that says about you?”

Ballister and Ambrosius are both very complicated individuals, and I think they lose a lot of their moral grayness in the movie. (Which I will get to later.) 

Ambrosius is the “hero”, but it was his ambition that drove him to blast Ballister’s arm off, and he’s never accepted responsibility for it, instead trying to convince himself that Ballister turned out this way because of his own actions. But he doesn’t disagree here that the Institution would throw him out if he were to lose his own arm, which I think is very telling. He knows deep down that he is not a good person, and he is not working for good people. But he doesn’t want to admit it.

Ballister is the “villain”, but in many ways he is better than Ambrosius. He abides by his own rules of never killing unless it’s necessary, and goes out of his way throughout the book to make sure that as few people are harmed as possible. He knows that the Institution is corrupt, because he was one of the people it failed. And he works to try and bring it down. 

Ambrosius cannot accept what happened, and because of that they aren’t able to get anywhere. They both know it wasn’t an accident. But because Ambrosius cannot admit it, they are stuck like this.

It’s a fascinating part of Ambrosius’ character that though he is adamant about Ballister being the one to destroy himself, he still cares about him. Much more openly than Ballister does in return, in fact. Ambrosius consistently does whatever he can to avoid having to kill him and always seems to have his wellbeing in mind. While he initially refused to kill Nimona, revolted at the idea that he should be ordered to kill “a little girl”, he eventually agrees to do so, but only under the condition that Ballister would be spared.

THE DIRECTOR: “Your motivations are quite transparent. I KNOW what the nature of your relationship was. I made it clear at the time that I disapproved. If your fixation on him has impeded your ability to do your job, then he truly has outlived his usefulness.”

THE DIRECTOR: “We’ll find you a new nemesis. Perhaps you will be more competent without Blackheart as a distraction.”

AMBROSIUS: “I won’t kill him. If you demand I kill the girl, I’ll do it - but I won’t kill him.”

Despite him and Ballister’s separation being his fault, he is the one who wishes most for things to go back to the way they were.  And this is likely why he refuses to accept responsibility about the joust. If it were truly an accident, then there shouldn’t be anything preventing them from continuing to be together. By painting it as an accident, Ballister becomes the villain for refusing to move on and let things go back to the way they were, not Ambrosius.

But finally, after Nimona disappears and Ballister lets himself be captured, we get probably the most important scene between these two. Ambrosius has been demoted due to his failure to kill Nimona, and is now forced to guard Ballister’s cell. Ambrosius is at his lowest that he’s been throughout the story, disgraced and discarded by the Institution who he had always been so loyal to.

It’s notable that Ambrosius says here that they both know Ballister is not evil, since he has been paddling that idea this whole time that Ballister made the choice to turn evil. By admitting that he is not, it shows that he is both starting to turn against the Institution, and starting to be more honest about what really happened.

Naturally, after Ambrosius wonders how things ended up like this and reminisces on when they were together, Ballister once again brings up the joust. And finally...

AMBROSIUS: “I- I never wanted to hurt you. I- I didn’t- It was-”

BALLISTER: “Don’t you dare try to tell me again that it was an accident.”

AMBROSIUS: “It wasn’t.”

...he admits the truth.

Ambrosius shares his side of the story, letting both us and Ballister in on what really happened that day. It wasn’t fully his fault -- the Director had called him into her office the night before the joust and told him that he had promise, that he was her choice out of the two, but that he had to prove himself against Ballister or that opportunity would go away.

On the day of the joust, Ambrosius received a weaponized lance instead of his regular one, which he instantly noticed. He asked what the Director expected him to do with it, and was told that she expected him to win.

To Ambrosius’ credit, he had no intention of using it, as he was confident that he would win. But the weight from the weaponized lance threw his balance off, and he ending up losing. And so...

AMBROSIUS: “I wanted it, more than anything. You never wanted it as much as me. You were just BETTER, without hardly even seeming to try.”

AMBROSIUS: “I don’t even remember- but I must have-”

[...]

AMBROSIUS: “I’m sorry, Ballister. I’m so sorry.”

To be fair, Ambrosius is not entirely to blame here. I doubt he would’ve come up with this idea on his own; he only acted on it because the Director had already given him the weaponized lance, and stressed the night before that the opportunities she dangled in front of him would not be given to him if he did not win. He was manipulated.

But he still made the decision to do it. He could’ve simply not used the lance. But he chose to. It is his fault.

It’s fascinating that the version of events Ambrosius had been swearing by this entire time is the exact opposite of what really happened. He claimed that it was an accident, he didn’t choose to do it, he had no choice, and that it was Ballister’s choice to become evil that caused all of this. But in reality, Ambrosius was the only one who got a choice here. And that choice is why their relationship was destroyed.

Ballister then brings attention to something even more damning:

BALLISTER: “You’ve never said it before.”

AMBROSIUS: “What?”

BALLISTER: “You never said you were sorry.”

AMBROSIUS: “I- didn’t?”

AMBROSIUS: “Oh god.”

I feel like you could interpret this in a lot of different ways, but the way I see it, they probably didn’t see each other much right after the incident. Ambrosius was catapulted into stardom as the kingdom’s beloved knight, and Ballister became a villain. I don’t think they really interacted much until their hero-villain antics started up, so I don’t think Ambrosius really had a chance to apologize. And if he did, he didn’t think to. Regardless of why, I do think it is messed up that he never apologized, and it goes to show just how much this event destroyed the bond they used to have.

From here, there’s not too much, as Plot Stuff starts getting serious around this point. Ambrosius ends up betraying the Institution after they continuously attack Ballister to provoke Nimona, attacking the guards who are holding him. This is when Ambrosius finally chooses Ballister over the Institution, which is great for his character, but there’s not really much more than that to say about it.

He and Ballister plan together to try and save the kingdom, with Ambrosius being adamant that they have to kill Nimona while Ballister refuses to. It’s during this conversation that Ambrosius mentions that he “never did anything good [his] whole life”, which is really sad but also kind of accurate, and it goes to show how he’s finally accepted responsibility for everything he’s done and had a part in up to this point.

Eventually Ballister is able to find a way to nerf her and they split up, with Ambrosius wanting to tell him something in case they don’t see each other again, but Ballister shuts him down.

BALLISTER: “We can’t do this now. Just... just promise me you won’t get yourself killed.”

It’s easy to assume this was something romantic and it likely was, but I imagine Ambrosius could’ve also wanted to say sorry again for everything. Perhaps it would’ve been a mix of both.

Regardless, they split up and climax stuff happens: Ambrosius attempts to kill Nimona but gets seriously injured, Ballister tries to reason with Nimona, etc. etc. Eventually at the very end, we see that these two have made peace and are together again, living on after everything. And that’s these two in the book!

Whew. I know that was a lot, but don’t worry. I won’t be going into as much detail about the movie’s version of events, as Ambrosius and Ballister have a much more cut-and-dry dynamic there than in the book. Their relationship in the original is very complex, so I wanted to make sure I covered all of those little nuances.

The joust is what defines their relationship and a lot of their respective characters; it is unimaginably important. Ballister became a villain because he lost his arm and was cast aside by the Institution. Ambrosius became the kingdom’s hero because he took Ballister out of the picture. They are unable to be around each other normally for very long because of their divided views of what happened. It is only after Ambrosius finally faces the truth that they are able to find peace together once more.

All of this is to say that it’s extremely hard to imagine what their relationship would be like in the graphic novel had the joust not happened the way it did. Which brings us to...

Part 2: The Movie (AKA: “My Boyfriend Sliced Off My Arm Because I Literally Killed Someone!”)

Before we start, I want to again stress that I am not trying to argue that any changes made here are inherently inferior. I am merely pointing out the differences between the book and the movie that contribute to the overall dissonance I and many others have felt when it comes to these two across versions.

Right off the bat, we are greeted with the movie’s version of Ambrosius and Ballister’s backstory. Like was implied in the book, they appear to be together (or something along those lines) which is great to actually see. But it quickly becomes clear that the events here are far different.

Instead of a joust, it is a knighting ceremony. There is no competition between Ballister and Ambrosius here. Ambrosius is knighted and cheered for, and then it is Ballister’s turn. He is knighted and everyone is silent before breaking into cheers as well. And then...

...his sword suddenly turns into a cannon and kills the queen. And in retaliation...

...Ambrosius chops his arm off.

Now if you’ve listened to ANYTHING I’ve said so far, this should immediately set off alarm bells. Because this one little difference changes everything about these two’s dynamic.

In the book, Ambrosius shot off Ballister’s arm in order to win his position. It was an entirely selfish and evil action spurred on only by his uncontrollable want to be the winner.

But here, Ambrosius is debatably justified in his response. Sure, he didn’t have to be as drastic as slicing his whole arm off (and I know there’s symbolism there with how the kingdom has taught people to get rid of problems), but Ballister -- to him -- literally just shot the queen. The queen who Ambrosius has sworn to protect. It is completely reasonable for him to respond in this way. And that’s a huge difference.

By changing this, we already have a completely different situation. Ambrosius here didn’t particularly want to cut Ballister’s arm off, it was a reflex, a response to a sudden danger. (Not saying he wanted to in the book, but there he made the deliberate decision to do so. In the movie it seems much more like an actual accident -- an overreaction that he immediately regrets and, as we’ll see, continues to regret.) And there was justification for it. There was no justification for it in the book. 

Instead of an Ambrosius whose ambition caused him to commit an evil act of betrayal against the man he was closest to, we now have an Ambrosius who, in the heat of the moment, overreacted like he was trained to after Ballister seemingly betrayed him. We’ll see over the course of the movie how this affects things, but that’s not the only major change here.

As we figure out shortly afterward, the movie makes a huge change when it comes to how the story functions, and that’s the timeline of events. In the book, the joust and the subsequent fallout between Ballister and Ambrosius happened years ago. We don’t know how long, but it’s clearly been a while. Enough time has passed where they are fully settled into their roles as hero and villain, and they look significantly younger in the flashbacks as well.

But in the movie, this incident just happened. It's unclear how exactly long it's been, but judging from Ballister's arm being created and his wounds healing it's probably been around a month.

Regardless of exactly how long it's been, the point is that these events are still very fresh. Ballister seemingly has just been laying low, not villain-ing it up, and he and Ambrosius haven't seen each other since the knighting ceremony. This changes literally everything about Ballister’s character. This post is specifically about Ambrosius and Ballister’s dynamic and not a Ballister character analysis so I’ll try to keep it brief, but movie Ballister seriously could not be more different from the book.

Like previously stated, book Ballister has been a villain for a while. He is completely settled into this role and has been making schemes and having fights of the week with Ambrosius for a considerable time. He knows what he’s doing. He has his own way of doing things, and when Nimona inserts herself into his life much of their early dynamic is him teaching her how he does things. In the book, Ballister is the teacher, Nimona is the student.

Compare this to movie Ballister, who I’m pretty sure never knows what he’s doing ever, at any point. He was training to be a knight. He has seemingly never once questioned the Institution. Now he has suddenly lost his arm and been thrust out into the unknown of being treated as a villain, and he has no idea how to handle it. Then Nimona shows up, tells him “hey, the Institution sucks”, and eventually he ends up believing so as well. In the movie, Nimona is the teacher, Ballister is the student.

Book Ballister actively resents the Institution and has no doubts that what they did to him is wrong. He has been plotting their downfall for a while. Nimona, on the other hand, seems to be out of the loop when it comes to the Institution and seemingly only starts hating them after she finds out how they threw Ballister out. Again, I’d just like to stress how completely and totally opposite their dynamic in the movie is compared to this.

There’s also Ballister being a scientist and being much more jaded in the book, but that’s not really important for the purposes of this post. So alas, I shall move on.

This different timeframe greatly impacts Ambrosius and Ballister’s dynamic, and obviously it would. There is a huge difference between a falling-out that happened years ago and you’re both still bitter about, and a falling-out that happened very recently. This, along with the different course of events resulting in said falling-out, is what causes their dynamic to feel so alien.

Also while talking about their early interactions in the movie, I’d just like to point out that while here Nimona is the one to assume Ambrosius is Ballister’s arch-nemesis and call him such, which Ballister doesn’t agree with, they were actually arch-nemeses in the book. Just something I noticed.

Something else I find interesting is later on, Ballister seems to be almost in disbelief about Ambrosius cutting off his arm and makes excuses for him.

BALLISTER: “He didn’t cut off my arm. He disarmed a weapon.”

BALLISTER: “It’s how we were trained.”

(Side note, but I wonder if book Ballister ever felt this way right after the joust? Did he try to convince himself it was an accident too, once upon a time? Did he try to make excuses?)

And to be fair, he is sort of right. Like I said before, Ambrosius’ reaction to Ballister seemingly killing the queen was debatably justified. While we’re obviously supposed to side with Nimona here and agree that Ballister should be more upset at Ambrosius for what he did, the movie definitely paints Ambrosius as more sympathetic overall. We see him freaking out internally about cutting off Ballister’s arm, and there is a lot of emphasis placed on how he and the others were trained by the Institution, inviting the audience to place more of the blame on the system that taught Ambrosius to act this way rather than him as a person.

And again, I’m not saying this is a bad thing! I love a good "taking down a corrupt system” story, and with the different circumstances of the movie it definitely makes more sense to play it this way. But in comparison to the book, Ambrosius is much easier to sympathize with. His character is changed from a very morally gray person who did something horrible and won’t admit it, to a pretty okay person who did something horrible and wholly accepts and bemoans that fact. He’s almost the opposite of what he was in the book.

So we have an Ambrosius who accepts what he did to Ballister and feels awful about it, and a Ballister who has no idea what he’s doing and is basically just being dragged around by Nimona. With both of them being basically the complete opposite of how they were in the book, is it any wonder that their relationship with each other feels so different when they themselves are so different?

Also, once again, the circumstances are very different. There is no Queen murder plot in the book, nor is their any attempt to clear Ballister’s name. A significantly different setting makes a difference too.

I don’t see a need to go into further detail about specific scenes in the movie as I think I’ve made my point clear. But going back to the movie’s lack of Ambrosius and Ballister’s already established hero-villain dynamic, I think these differences are made quite apparent just contrasting how they talk to each other. I mean, just compare these two scenes:

AMBROSIUS: “What? You’re gonna kill me now too?”

BALLISTER: “You believe that?”

BALLISTER: “Then you never knew me at all.”

AMBROSIUS: “uugghh”

BALLISTER: “What if I cut off your arm right now?”

BALLISTER: “Then you’d see how fast the Institution would cast you aside. Just like they did me.”

AMBROSIUS: “You wouldn’t.”

BALLISTER: “No, I wouldn’t.”

BALLISTER: “And I’m the villain.”

BALLISTER: “What do you suppose that says about you?”

Their relationship in the movie is much softer and healthier than it was in the book. Their dialogue in the movie tends to lean much more towards tried-and-true “friendship betrayal” stuff; the wound of Ballister’s “betrayal” may be fresher, but it’s clear both of them love each other far more than they resent each other. In the book, it is the opposite. The movie could NEVER have the bar fight scene. It’s too ugly and bitter to fit these softer versions of Ambrosius and Ballister.

Part 3: Conclusion

So, that was a lot. I hope it’s a little clearer now how big the differences are between these two’s dynamic in the book and the movie! Especially if you’re someone who is only familiar with one or the other. While I prefer the book due to me tending to prefer more complex and messy relationship dynamics, I totally understand the appeal of the more loving and healthy relationship Ambrosius and Ballister have in the movie.

To summarize, here are some of the main takeaways:

Ambrosius causing Ballister to lose his arm is completely unjustified in the book and happens due to Ambrosius’ wild ambition, while in the movie it is a debatably justified reflexive action in response to an active threat.

Ambrosius overall is portrayed as much more sympathetic in the movie, with the system itself being more to blame for what happened.

In the book, the main thing keeping them apart was Ambrosius’ refusal to take responsibility and admit what he did. In the movie, it’s a misunderstanding about Ballister seemingly turning evil.

In the book, Ambrosius and Ballister have a very established hero-villain dynamic with the joust having happened years ago. In the movie the “betrayal” is still very fresh, which leads to very different interactions between the two.

And that’s about it! Thank you for reading this very long post. And if you haven’t read the original graphic novel or watched the movie, go do that!!! Much love to ND Stevenson and the rest of the people who made this story come to life.

Let me know your thoughts in the tags or the replies! Which version do you prefer? Are there any other factors you feel have a significant role in why their relationship feels so different? Or do you think I’m totally wrong about this and they feel basically the same to you?

Either way, thanks again for reading and goodbye!

[leroiestmortvivelareine]

tgr live journal - ch 1-2

My reactions to The Golden Raven, live and unhinged.

I've read all of tgr now (twice) and I wanted to do something different. So here you go - all my hot takes, all in the one place.

Some of my early comments and guesses are hilariously embarrassing in hindsight but i've preserved them as I wrote them...

(tgr live journal index)

tgr live - ch 1-2

hello Jean's attitude has NOT improved lol

i like that he's starting this book very much on his own terms

ah yes this is the 'court is in session and waiting to hear Lucas' testimony' scene

which Lucas could have avoided, as the room arrangements make clear

ah - Lucas in the seat behind him - didn't see that coming - echoes of Neil waking up incredibly vulnerable with Nicky behind him (i still get so mad about that)

it changes the dynamic considerably - hello Ms Nora

Lucas' face all smashed up - Jean is turning the Trojans into Ravens, isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

Jean wants to send that no-touch jersey to the guillotine more than any enemy a Frenchman has ever faced

so what was coach's hard-to-define feeling? was it just knowing Jean didn't want to be benched?

zane zane zane zane zane

why does everything that sheds light on Riko do so in a million splinters that make it even harder to see him

brutal start... trying to slam apart all the rosy fanfics we've comforted ourselves with over the last few months? it's working

my lovely Jean hiding Xavier's ibuprofen so he won't get him into trouble xoxo

that sound you're hearing is an entire fandom writing 'Sheldon' on a napkin and passing it to Neil

pop! and i am dancing around the kitchen in glee

Neil has adopted Andrew's love language: depositing a mangled creature at your feet as a present. They are basically cats

wait... is Jean admitting he actually likes N... no, ok, I was just checking

lol the whole whole Moreau family takedown narrative hinges on Jean being besties with Neil and he can't keep it up for five seconds

and Neil is already vice-captain! (lording over Kevin... I hope)

is anyone updating Grayson's entry in wikipedia or have we lost interest in him entirely and now lust after Sheldon's blood

Seriously i haven't got the stamina for complicated intrigue can someone just tap him like that second guy Arya Stark named who walked in the door and went 'urgh' and keeled over

considering they're the most stable and grounding character in this book, Cody exists in a nebulous, almost theoretical state - nonbinary, not officially head of backliners, not exactly in a poly relationship... homie are you a person or a radioactive actinide?

the comment they made in tsc always impressed me, about how you can use good nature offensively. I could feel that got through to Jean - bridging the gap between the Raven way and the Trojan way

maybe that's Cody's role - to be always used as a bridge. maybe that's part of why i'm still sus about the Pat and Ananya thing, maybe i worry they'd be used. So far i'm not seeing how Pat and Ananya are worthy of such a cool character. I'm with Jean on this: those two pushing and Cody not responding = an orange flag if not a red one. Cat's rationale of 'it's just fear' doesn't convince me either, Cody doesn't seem the fearful type. (maybe they just share my view that they can do better?)

then again that's kind of the theme of tsc isn't it - your loved ones pushing you gently towards love even though you aren't at first able to respond. it can be a good thing. it can be something else entirely.

Hmmm death by motorboat (!) sounds highly specific... does Grayson get his comeuppance on water to generate suspicion that Ms Moreau is up to her old tricks? Is Stuart smooth enough to kill two birds with one stone? And would those older murders even be on record? Maybe here's Jean's chance to get them on

uh oh... the 'pop' comment is actually going to sound very suspect if it was actually a gun that took Grayson out...

maybe Mr Knox is homophobic but I get more of a ptsd vibe... or maybe I'm just being generous, for the sake of another fictitious airman

I need Jeremy to tell his dad he loves him and misses him

has he seen the other dads in this series

last minute theory based on all those acts of charity at the start of tsc - what if Jeremy converted to Islam?

the banquet scandal was him refusing pork and saying why...

did Joshua text him to call him a terrorist?

but no - because then Jeremy would have been praying along with Nabil wouldn't he

ok scratch that theory

Ok THAT sound is an entire fandom violently dissociating and convincing themselves they cannot read... because there is no way that sentence said what i think it said

I've read it ten times now and it hasn't changed

i don't want to turn the page

i shouldn't have turned the page

Jean no, you can't say that about Kevin...

ah why have i only just realised the Zane / Grayson thing would have been a nightly occurrence if Riko hadn't stepped in to stop it... (and how the hell did he end up the hero of this piece?)

for an English major you do not seem to know what 'unsettling' means. I think 'permanent psychological mutilation' were the words you had in mind

also can you guys start giving Jean cooking tasks that DON'T involve sharp knives

ok Cat can officially fuck up for the rest of her life and I will forever worship her

Jean I know you've been through the shredder but news flash, your crush is in pain and still finding a way to care about you, do you really want Sheldon the walking corpse snaking your wave here?? do something supportive you French twat

Thank you Nora for ending chapter 2 with a minim rest so i can breathe

--

(next >)

[wolfblood-of-anubis]

i have no idea when or even if a season 3 au is coming, but the one i’ve been mentioning here and there is one where Nina sticks around, right? some of you might have remembered the bullet points.

eddie is still not part of sibuna and his and kt’s stories still happen esp. since they’re both so confused/out of place that they find their footing and friendship with each other

eddie and kt are eventually added to sibuna when amber leaves

nina leaves a few days after amber to check on her gran for a while, leaving eddie to be the second-in-command leader to step up for the first time

when nina comes back there’s some tension of who’s going to be running things before they agree co-leaders is the way to go, especially if they split into teams

well i also wanted to add that since i hated Victor becoming the first sinner, i figured it should change. have Patricia or mr. Sweet be the first one. spread some discord early but more subtle. eventually leading to Victor finally teaming up with Sibuna and we get a more interesting dynamic there and earlier than what we got in TOR.

more detailed moments of victor seeing how they work and his reaction to their messy plans and how this is the group that always manages to pull one over on him??

him protecting the kids from sinner!sweet and stuff

him figuring out who the sibuna sinner is

him going gaga over the new frobisher secret room

we do need 5 sinners so it’s most likely either going to be Mara since she had been very sin-like in terms of anger, envy, greed (in terms of wanting to break Jerome’s heart into tiny pieces), and pride in think she’s fully in the right despite the fact that she already got her revenge (side-note: i’m not a mara hater fyi, i think both sides hurt each other more than love each other but yeah i understand why she did it but it doesn’t justify her actions.)

if not Mara, then we could have Victor being the 4th of 5th sinner in a case of sacrificing himself so the kids could get away.

although it being Mara would be much more interesting since she wouldn’t have remembered anything in the end anyway. and Victor could still sacrifice himself in the end like Harriet did

and it would just take extra scenes to catch sinner!Mara up on all the stuff she’s missed whereas sinner!Victor would be more tragic

…although seeing sinner!Mara decide to be even more chaotic when it comes to her plans with Joy and Willow would be so much fun and would only add more to the chaos of anubis house

all i see is the return of her^ but less guilt and more mean

[stormblessed95]

Since you haven’t been here in a while, what are your thoughts on taekook’s dynamics now? I read your post from 2021 where you mentioned that you don’t think taekook have a deep emotional connection and I recently thought about it because I saw another Jikook blogger mention that too and explained in detail why they thought so and I agreed with them even though I hadn’t really thought about it that way before so I would love to know how you perceive taekook’s dynamic in general now.

My post from 2021 for anyone who wants a refresher or hasn't seen it:

Anon, Idk if you've seen this post as well, but I address Taekook getting closer again in more recent years here too

This post covers where I talk about how close taekook was in the early years and why they are such a huge ship imo

I PROMISE I'm not trying to just not answer this. My opinions just honestly haven't really changed that much? My posts were from after ITS and after taekook started making strides in their relationship and being closer and better friends again. I love seeing it. I still don't see that emotional connection that is as deep as it is as they individually have with other members or outside the group friends too. I think taekook aren't the friends that are going to be having emotional/deep/soul searching conversations with each other. I don't think they are going to seek each other out in times of high emotion, positive or negative or when in distress. I think they are best buddies who act up together and have a great time. They are here for a good time not a long time kinda friends 😂😂 and we all need those friends in our lives too and they can be just as important to us.

I think we see that in the reunion hugs from Jin's military release too. That vmin reunion?? That's a friendship with a deep emotional connection

But also see the difference?

Also, check out that vhope reunion hug too? I'm not saying taekook aren't important to each other. They are so clearly important and they clearly love each other to bits and they have SO MUCH FUN. But my points in all my previous posts still stand. In terms of who they might pick to go on a wild crazy adventure or do something silly? Probably each other are great contenders. As for picking who in all the members they are closest to? Probably not each other. Even though all of BTS are their family. No one should ever be asking them to choose. Everyone's got different types of relationships within a family and friendship unit with each other. And the way those types of relationships intersect are always so beautiful.

I'd be interested to know which other blog post you mentioned too. Hope this answered your question with some satisfaction!

[sleepsentry]

Long clarret+cloud shipping ramble under the cut

Very mild sidequest + barret date spoilers for rebirth

I hope this makes some kind of sense

Also, this isn't some essay or definitive take. it's just me rambling.

Idk if I've said this before or not but

What I think I like about Barret and Cloud as a queerplatonic pairing is this idea of "it's not fate, it's highly unlikely, it's not meant to be, and yet here they are"

I also appreciate the complete lack of "yaoi-isms" in my own interpretation at least. And when I say "yaoi-isms" I don't strictly mean M/M pairings

I mean that "romantic" trope of "finding your other half", that sometimes borders on codependent obsession, that's foundational to a lot of classic and contemporary yaoi and yaoi inspired dynamics (which is often part of the appeal and leaned into for drama it's just not my cup of tea)

Like all that "our souls meld, I see them in my reflection, oh if only we could be as one, perfect for eachother, it was fate, I keep chasing them, I want to find them, I want to keep them, stay with me...ect ect ect"

Like all the people misusing the term psychosexual to describe Seph and Cloud

Barret and Cloud have zero chance of having a dynamic like that because they're so different. (And I also personally think that kind of dynamic would creep out and annoy the shit out of Barret lol)

Barret is incapable of being anything other than himself in contrast to others. He never had the choice to blend in or become some kind of legacy having symbol. He's not conventionally appealing or marketable (in universe and out)

Unlike Tifa or Aerith or Zack or Sephiroth or Cloud, Barret's like... an actual grown-up.

He's disabled, he has a kid, he's out there trying to change the world for the better, and he fails a lot.

He was nothing but a civilian to Shinra, never expected to make any impact (like Tifa.)

He doesn't have the time or space to be all "Oh Cloud"

His world doesn't begin and end with some fucking guy basically. (As harsh and reductive as that is lol)

Because the stakes in Cloud's other popular ships are so fucking high it's really unfair on the poor boy.

And I think that's potentially valuable for someone as "in his own head" as Cloud. Barret would challenge him to confront "what is" not "what could be or what was." It's also good for Cloud's sense of identity and ego to have someone who takes Cloud as he is and responds honestly and tangibly. Tangibly, being a key word.

I understand tifa and aerith and zack do something similar but those three also have a lot personal stuff that muddies things.

The emotional stake that the main four (zack,aerith,tifa,seph) have in who Cloud should be for their sake is unreal and unfair. And I genuinely believe it can say interesting things about Cloud's sense of identity but, again, it's not my cup of tea.

It also feels very counterintuitive to the idea that Cloud is supposed to be "just some guy who became a hero" if the main four's worlds revolve around him.

Barret? He's just another friend. Cloud doesn't "have to be" anything for him.

As for what Cloud could be to Barret, I think Barret would see a lot of his younger self in Cloud and through getting to know Cloud and learning to be kinder and more patient with him, he can learn to be more forgiving of his past and current self.

Cloud also has a few moments where he helps Barret calm down or reign himself in, even if unintentionally. (One moment early on in remake during the first bombing while they're escaping on the lift. And another during an early rebirth sidequest where he, harshly, helps Barret calm down from an anxious spiral over how he might fail his daughter in the future)

In rebirth, Cloud also reassures Barret that his friends are there for him and he doesn't need to carry everything himself.

In the remake games, at least, I think they have a lot of chemistry and the lack of romantic/super important expectations means the dynamic gets to breath a little.

To quote Barret in his rebirth date: "Guess we balance eachother out."

And, as different as they are, Barret and Cloud do have a lot in common.

[In the beginning, they're both acting tough because of their assumptions about who the other is.

They both lost their homes and loved ones to Shinra related cruelty.

They both were expected to be unfortunate civilian victims but instead stubbornly refused to die without a fight, and eventually, saved the whole world alongside their new friends. (Most of the party members could fit that description to be fair)

They both get treated harshly due to surface level assumptions about who they are.]

I think what I like about Barret and Cloud is I think they're very complimentary as characters. In their designs and their personalities. The relative rarity of the pairing also adds a sense of novelty and I'm not going to see it everywhere inescapably.

Also I just like Barret a lot and relate to both of them more than other characters.

[hogwartshotel]

putting on my trauma therapist hat

Full Moon spoilers under the cut.

Okay so if people are mad at Blitzø after that episode, send them here!

I am, in real life, a licensed therapist who works with PTSD, so I feel like I have some hopefully helpful perspective to offer here.

I've started to see a some "I get it, Blitzø has issues, but he fucked that whole thing up", and I want to talk a bit more about how PTSD works. If any of this resonates with you personally, I recommend seeking a therapist who specializes in trauma!

There are five categories in which we expect trauma to effect people's beliefs about themselves, others and the world, long-term: trust, safety, power and control, intimacy, and self-esteem. So let's take a look at those in this scene. They do overlap.

Trust. That heartbreaking line where Stolas says "I didn't realize you thought so lowly of me" is a result of Blitzø expressing that he's never had complete trust in Stolas's intentions. Hard to blame him -- trust is something we first learn in early childhood. Imagine trying to learn trust from someone like Blitzø's dad. People often have difficulty trusting not only others, but also themselves and their own judgment.

Safety. This really ties into power and control below. Imagine that Blitzø's whole personality has come from a desire to keep himself safe -- he's good with guns, he's his own boss, he doesn't have close relationships so he can't be rejected, he puts on an air of over confidence. Having any of that challenged can shake his whole set of beliefs about himself and the world.

Power and control. When something traumatic happens to us, we can often feel ourselves. We often try to limit our experiences to ones we feel we have control over, because our brains convince ourselves this will keep us safe. We've seen Stolas come to realize that their arrangement gives him more power over Blitzø than he's comfortable with. We've also seen Blitzø attempting to exert his own power -- by keeping Stolas at arm's length, by being the one to direct their sexual encounters (not saying that you need to have trauma in order to be dominant), by doing everything he can to keep the sex interesting so that Stolas won't end the deal. Stolas is doing the right thing by giving Blitzø the crystal, but it freaks him the fuck out. He's already figured out how to have power in the situation, and he's been operating under the assumption that Stolas also likes having this power over him (that part is more theoretical, but I see Blitzø as someone who assumes that everyone thinks the way he does about this shit). So having that dynamic suddenly changed makes him panic. It triggers a fear response. He reacts in a way that assumes it's a game or a trick. The idea that someone would willingly give up power sets of alarm bells in his mind.

Intimacy. Obviously, this is a big one in their dynamic, and it's going to tie in a lot to esteem. It is very common for folks with trauma histories to have difficulties forming intimate connections -- if you've read the above stuff about trust, it's probably easy to see why. In his part of the duet, we hear Blitzø acknowledging that the situation is feeling a little complicated, but that he's going to avoid that by focusing on the sex aspect. The idea of emotional intimacy is terrifying to him.

Esteem. Blitzø does not believe that he is capable of being loved, or that anyone who gets to know him will want to stay with him. We see a lot of that in the "bad trip" scene back in season 1. Hearing Stolas express feelings for him is terrifying. I'm not sure exactly what goes through his head, but it might be something like "I'm going to fuck this up," "he's lying," or "he doesn't know what he's talking about."

So. Imagine all of that getting triggered at once. I'm not saying that Blitzø handled it well or that he isn't responsible for his actions, I'm just saying it's really understandable that he didn't handle it perfectly. Quite frankly, I thought it was going to go a lot worse -- he does get angry and say hurtful things, but we immediately see him regret it and reach out to Stolas, and I was expecting him to need a lot longer to stop being angry. I am curious to see if he's going to go to a self-destructive spiral ("I always do this, I fucked it up again, why bother even trying") or if he's going to break the pattern and figure out a way to make it right. Seeing as the next episode is called "apology tour," I'm guessing we're going to see the latter -- but that is honestly huge character growth.

[onskepa]

Hiii,I got a request.

So one of the dynamics I'm really interested in seeing in the next movie is the one between Neytiri and Spider.

So the plot would be something like they go to gather some herb that can only be found in a small crevice,so Mo’at asks Spider to retrieve it for her. Since everyone is occupied and the plant is far from the village, Mo’at asks Neytiri to take him there, and after a small argument of being against it, she does.

Only for some reason, they swap species (maybe some plant is at fault for that), like Neytiri turns human and Spider turns na’vi, but only them and no one else.

They go and hide in a shack that's close to them ( or somewhere)  so no one sees them, so they spend the day together, and they have a heart to heart conversation.

They have a newfound understanding of each other after all of this, and while not on super amicable terms yet, they start getting there.

When they wake up the next day they have changed back (Neytiri consoling Spider a bit cause he had everything he wanted just for a bit, but he also is happy for her at the same time)

Helloooooooo cutie patootie~!! Honestly this is a really cool idea to explore thoroughly. Now I know everyone has their own personal opnnions of how their relationship can go, or alternatives. BUT! This will be my version of how I think if might go. Hopfully this is yours and everyones satisfaction~!!

-------------

New body, fresh eyes

[cover made by meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!]

Another calm day at the relatively peaceful day in the Omatikaya forest. People doing their duties to the village, or relaxing and enjoying the beautiful day. It was tranquil, calm, and everyone can tell it will be a good day. Mo’at certainly does. There was not much to do on this bright day. So she decided to go out and collect some herbs as she is running low on some. 

So getting her baskets and needed tools, she makes her way through the village. Everyone she passes greets her with respect and joy. She likes seeing her people be in high spirits, it brings her mind at peace. 

“You are doing it wrong!”

“Kiri taught me! So I know I am doing it right!” 

“You are better off with those demons!” 

“Too bad! I'm here to stay!” 

Now if only mo’at can say the same for her inner family. 

“Can you two stop arguing for 5 minutes?” Jake asks as he groans in frustration. Lately neytiri and spider have been at each other's throats. More than usual. Rubbing his eyes, it's too damn early to deal with it. Don't get Jake wrong, he loves neytiri very much. So much, but at times her dislike for spider can be a bit much, even for him. 

And it is clear as day, everyone else is also getting tired too. 

“I'm literally just existing!” Spider shouts his excuse, waving his arms around as if to prove his point. 

Neytiri hisses and rolls her eyes. 

Mo’at sees this and joins Jake's side. Both share the same feelings of this ongoing dispute. This has to stop before it escalates even more. 

Mo’at doesn't hate the boy, she tolerates him and doesn't mind his presence. Would often welcome him to a light meal or show him some healing methods should he get hurt somewhere in the forest. 

Looking down at her basket, mo’at got an idea. 

So while neytiri and spider go for a round who knows how many of arguing, mo’at whispers in jake’s ear of her idea. And the more he listens, the more he is willing to comply.

“You cannot be serious! Both of you!” Neytiri shouts in anger. 

“Baby, you know I love you with all my heart and soul, but believe me, this is a good idea,” Jake says with his arms crossed, his stance showing he isnt going to back down. Mo’at stands beside him, her glare not changing. 

“She is going to end my life if we do this,” Spider says in a panicked/worried tone. He really doesn't want to do this, especially with neytiri. 

“Hush, it won't be a terrible experience. All you both have to do is go to the upper saves to collect the white shell flowers. I need you spider to go since you are small enough to enter, and neytiri I need you to make sure he comes to and back safely” mo’at instructs. 

But before either neytiri or spider begin to protest, Jake held his hand up as to silence them.

“It is decided, there is no way out of this. That is final”

Oh what could go wrong?

“Keep up!” Neytiri angrily demands, spider grunts as his feet are starting to sore. Ever since they left the village, Neytiri has been demanding him non-stop, telling him to hurry up, to not be slow or some animal will end him. Purposely walking faster and climbing on near impossible spots. Purposely making spider struggle more than he usually does. 

“I'm trying!” he shouts back as he climbs over a very big root. He hasn't felt this tired since race climbing with the other na’vi boys. And that was a long while ago. And to make things not so appealing, they are not even halfway to the destination. 

“Is this what uncle means by final destination…?” he thinks. 

If that is true, may Eywa grant him mercy and join her in the afterlife.

“Are you done being dramatic?” Neytiri asks suddenly, interrupting his thoughts. 

She stood not far from him, clearly not amused. 

Quickly spider catches up to her, “nothing, how far are we?” he asks, “too far” neytiri asks annoyed. Inwardly sighing, he catches up, as fast he can't. This will be a long walk for sure.

“We are here” 

What felt like forever they finally made it to the upper caves. It really wasn't that far from the hallelujah mountains but it takes a bit to get to a really specific area. And that specific area was no easy task. But what matters now is they made it.

“Hurry up, get in!” Neytiri once again hisses and impatiently shoves spider in the small cave. Spider was quick to duck his head down so as to not hit himself against the rocky entrance. The baskets landed near his feet, so he grabbed them without a word. Going a bit deeper, he sees the beautiful glowing green flowers. 

According to what mo’at said, they needed to be very careful as the flowers can only function in the dark. Any beam of light hitting them and its over. So neytiri shoves some special baskets that are weaved very tightly and no light can get past it. 

But also….

“How many did the tsahik say to get?” spider asks to neytiri. The na’vi in question paused for a moment. Did her mother specify how much to get? Little or a lot? Damn. 

“Enough to fill the baskets” she said in a snappy tone. 

“Yes ma’am…” so spider gets onto it. As he gently plucks the flowers, a bit of the nectar escaped from the bud and leaked onto his hands. Smearing his fingers a bit, it was sticky yet warm at the same time. Made his hands glow a bit. 

“What is taking so long!? Hurry it up in there! We won't make it back before dark!” neytiri screeches. Her time with spider grows increasingly thin. She just wanted to get it done and over with. Being near him makes neytiri’s skin prickle and shudder. 

“Puny demon…” she mutters under her breath. Looking down, the roots that connect the small cave to the base aren't that thick. Her blade is sharp enough to cut them. If she manages to grab the baskets, she can cut the roots and spider can be stuck in the air. Forever maybe….

“Ok I think this is enough” spider comments to himself. Collecting the baskets, he triple checks they are sealed very tightly and slings them over his back. “I need a bath after this…” looking down at his glowing hands, and some parts of his body, the nectar was all over him. Spider did try to not have any flower leak as he plucked them but it was inevitable. 

“I'm coming!” he shouts, letting the echos reach neytiri’s ears as he makes his way to the exit of the cave. And just as he was about to come out, the sudden reach for the baskets surprised him. “Give them to me” neytiri demons, her eyes glaring daggers at him. Harshly she tried to yank them out of her grasp but spider was pulling back. Scared of whatever her motive is. 

“Stop! You are going to rip the baskets!!” he warns her but it has fallen on deaf ears. The na’vi was pulling them so hard, he worried the weaving will become undone, so using the still wet nectar, he smeared it all over neytiri’s face. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?” she yells. Tring to get the nectar out of her eyes while holding onto spider, she was losing balance. 

“No no no!!” 

Without warning, both began to fall from the small cave. Flying down fast, yells of panic and fear. They fell down to the forest, only to be hitting the flat grounds and instantly being knocked out.

Neytiri awoke to a burning, unbearable pain coursing through her body. Mostly at her throat. She can't break, why can't she breathe? It hurts so much! Her vision was blurry but even trying to open her eyes, she felt a slight stinging to them. She needed air and fast! Looking at her surroundings, she saw spider’s mask laying on the floor, maybe that could help? 

Crawling towards it, feeling the strength in her body weaken by the second. Quickly putting it on, she took deep breaths, calming her heart. 

After a few minutes, her full consciousness became present. Why did Neytiri need the boy’s mask? How was it that it fit her face? 

Looking down at her hands, her body, her hair, she screamed her soul out. 

Spider woke up startled, looking around to find the source of the blood curdling scream. He turned to see a human woman. She was panicking while looking down at her body. He had never seen her before but he couldn't leave her to her madness. 

“Hey hey, it's ok, it's ok, is your mask broken?” he suddenly asks while raising his hands but he noticed something…….

His hands were blue…his arms, legs, body, touching his ears, they were pointy. Was he….?

“Spider?!” the human woman called out to him, but hearing neytiri’s voice….?

“Neytiri….?” he calls out, she nodded. 

Both now silent, taking in each other’s appearance…..

Neytiri is human. And spider is na’vi. 

“Oh my Eywa….”

“OH MY EYWA!! OH MY-I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP!!” spider says in his midst of panic. It is like he can't seem to fully comprehend what is happening. Here he is, standing at 10 '12 ft tall, with a tail, four fingers, and blue all over. 

“Please don't '' neytiri who isn't far from him begs. She was rocking back and forth trying to understand what happened. Her skin is deep tan, dark tones, her hair now wavy and standing at a good 5’7 ft tall. No tail, 5 fingers, round ears, and no stripes. Even she is trying not to vomit. 

Trying to be the adult between them, she gets up but notices something. She is naked, her na’vi clothing is too big for her. 

“Look…we must find some proper garments……and find shelter soon. It is getting dark” she says. 

Spider stops his mid life crises and listens to her. Looking down, he sees her point.

“Woa, this is incredible!” spider shouts in great glee! He can smell everything! He can see better, climb higher, run faster! He felt invincible at the moment. This is what he always dreamed of, always hoped to be. A true na’vi. No more silly mask, no more sleeping in the labs, no more risking his life to simple foods in the wilderness. He felt free. 

Neytiri on the other hand felt stuck. The mask was itchy, it was uncomfortable. She doesn't have the same amount of strength. Everything was too big or too high, climbing was hard, running even harder. Gets tired easily, and can't even enjoy her favorite fruit anymore! Is this what it is like for humans? Always tired? Danger everywhere? Is this what felt like being trapped?

“Don't you think maybe this could be something from Eywa?” spider asks, rather a bit tired but wondering behind their current situation. “Is she punishing us…?” He wonders more. Neytiri, who was sitting across from him, the fire pit in the middle of their small shelter. She narrows her eyes, the light of the fire reflecting in her eyes. 

“Don't be so ridiculous, why would she punish me? I have done nothing wrong” she replies in a rather stand-offish way. If spider still had his eyebrows, he would raise them.

Did nothing wrong?” he repeats but more as a question. 

He starts to count with his fingers, “you insult me, you belittle me, you bully me! You HATE me! When all I have done is try to live my life”. 

Neytiri glares at him, if she could hiss, she would. 

“You dare come to my home, my village, my FAMILY! Dressing as if you were one of us!” 

“I am now,” he smirks. 

“Bah!” she scoffs, “whatever this is, don't think it will be forever!” 

“But what if it is? What if this is our new life? Me na’vi, you human?” spider questions. If it is true, he could life as a omatikaya. He could spend more time with kiri, lo’ak, spend more time and be one with the village. He could-

“Then I wouldn't be with my family….” neytiri whispers…..the horror crawling into her mind. If she is forever human, that means she would have to be with the other humans…away from her mate, away from her children! To be away from her home is wrong. To not be able to hunt or share a simple kiss would risk her life. This is like a cage in her own body. And to rely on the stupid mask…no she couldn't. 

“Neytiri…..why do you hate me…?” spider asks, bringing back the topic. 

Not making eye contact, rather staring at the fire, she slowly responds. 

“I dont hate you….I hate what you resemble…..that demon. That man. He took everything from me. When I see you, I see him. That is all I see. And I cannot look past him. I fear you would follow his trail. Resume what he could not finish. End me, ending my family. I cant…I belittle you, I say many things to you. I should not. I am aware. Yet my anger, my hate, my terrors. They overcome my vision. What I am supposed to see a child, all I can see is the darkness of my nights” 

Silence follows. The sparks of the fire filling it in. 

Neytiri’s words settled in spider’s mind.

“I always admired you…” spider suddenly spoke. 

He didn't look up, rather looking down at his hands. Busy creating something. 

“I always admired how strong you are. Despite losing everything…you remain strong, tough, fearless. And I always liked that. I liked how despite being hurt, you continue to fight. A mighty warrior is all I see. Yet you are a good mom. How you treat your kids….I always wanted a mom who can cuddle me, hold me, love me….I'm not saying I see you as a mother. But you are the closest thing to it. I am also scared of you…but I get mad. So mad that you treat me worse than all of the humans combined. All I ever wanted was just you to acknowledge me. That was all I ever wanted…” 

Neytiri didn't say anything. She only looks down at her hands. What can she say? Nothing, her answer was nothing. 

Sun rose and both were awake. Seeing that their new bodies are still there, they remain in the small shelter. 

“Ack!” neytiri groans in pain, she was trying to open a shell of a fruit but is struggling. 

“Need some help?” spider offers. 

“Im fine” neytiri snaps, not wanting to be bothered. So spider shrugs. But as he turned, he hissed in pain. Looking behind him, seems he stepped on his tail. Again. This will be taking some time to get used to. 

“OW!” 

“Ok let me show you” spider interjects neytiri. Though she is protesting, spider ignores that. “Here, with your small fingers you have to twist the top, not the bottom. It is easier and won't hurt” he instructs. Neytiri doesn't say anything, but does how he showed her. And the shell opened, showing the ripe fruit inside. She smiled in relief. She was so hungry. 

“Oh by the way, you cant eat that” spider says before she could take a bit. Raising an eyebrow, she questions him “and why not? I have always eatin this fruit”. 

“Yes, but you are human now. This fruit is not safe for humans. Eat if and you will have a bad reaction to it. Dont even test it, its not fun”..

So neytiri puts the fruit down. 

Damn.

“You are walking like a human,” neytiri points out. Spider tripped, again. Over his tail. Again. 

“If you still wish to keep your tail intact, dont drag on your legs behind, and dont mindlessly sway your tail side to side like some beast. Have proper manners” she goes on to say. 

Spider huffs, and getting up he follows her instructions. “You are na’vi now, so walk like one”. 

Carefully correcting his stand and pose, he tries again. “Hey look, I am-OW!” 

“What did I say?! You utter fool!”

“You pull the scales like this” neytiri instructs spider in how to removes the scales of some fishes they caught at a nearby river. Using her large blade, spider carefully does as she is teaching him. And as he does, neytiri was grinding some spices she managed to collect during their walk. 

“Add more of the red bark” spider comments. 

“Why?” 

“Because for the sake of your taste buds, it makes the fish meat be easier to consume” 

Back and forth, all day. Spider and neytiri help each other in getting used of their new bodies. New habits had to be learned, new styles and methods that can benefit the other. And all the while there was no yelling or harsh name calling. Things felt..ease. At peace. But for how long can this happen? Forever? 

Night came once again, and after a full meal, spider and neytiri rested. Spider taking in his hands, admiring his dots decorating his body. 

Neytiri does the same for her hair. 

“Here…..for you” spider whispers a bit shyly. He hands neytiri what looked like a headband. It was weaven together well. The weaving of the omatikaya. Beads embedded well with the blue hue. It was soft and the material looked to be well made. 

“Thank you….” she whispers. Putting it on, it fitted her perfectly. Of course not that she would admit. 

“Here….” this time neytiri hands spider tenbeads, four reds and two yellows. “Do what you like with them” she says. Spider gripped on the beads tightly. They felt nice and smooth on his palm. Seemed to be well carved and of good quality too. 

“Thank you…” he smiles. Cherishing his gift from her. Really the only act of kindless she has displayed to him. And by eywa he will keep it as a core memory until his last breathe. 

However, despite the gift exchange, there is still that looming worry. 

“It seems….this will be our new life now….me human, and you na’vi” neytiri says, sadness coating her words. 

“I now know it is not easy….to be human. I now know what challenges you must go throug spider….your struggles have ended….and now I will struggle but…..I accept. IF this is my new body forever…I accept” 

There. 

She admits it, neytiri finally admits it. 

Spider should feel happy, but he isnt. 

“As I accept…..being na’vi. Thanks to you, I now know it is not fully easy being na’vi either. So much noises…my tail, I love my tail but it has a mind of its own. But I accept I will be na’vi but…..it doesnt seem fair….” he says. 

Neytiri blinks, confused. 

“How is it not fair? You finally get to have the life you long desire” 

The boy bods, “Yes but…what if…the price to pay to life this life….the life I always wanted….comes at the cost of you? Arent you worried? Scared? You won't get to be with your family as much anymore. Having to eat shitty food, being indoors with all the technology you hate. It almost doesnt seem fair…” 

That is true…if neytiri must, she would be limited to all she has. 

“Nothing is really fair spider….but as you said…..if this is Eywa punishing….me. Then, I accept me punishment. My freedom in trade for yours…” 

Spider shook his head, “no, no that is not how it would end. I will gladly give up my na’vi body. I would go back to being human. I would give it all up, for you. You are a mother to 4 kids neytiri, they need you. They need you more than I need this body. IF Eywa can hear me, hear me now. I would gladly pay the price. My na’vi for neytiri’s humanity. I would!” 

By the bounds of all reality, the shell flowers from the forgotten baskets bursted out, and went straight towards them.

“I see them, look” mo’at smiles as she sees spider and neytiri coming to them. Jake sees as well, and smiles “I was starting to get worried”. 

And what a sight to hold on to. Spider and neytiri? Talking peacefully? Not screaming or yelling? 

“It seems it worked” jake comments. Mo’at nods, “of course, great mother always knows the right solution to any matter”

PHEW! This one took me a bit, wanted to get all the right words and emotions just right. But I am once again proud how it turned out! Thank you cutie for requesting this! Until next time! See ya!

[brightest-stars-if]

Hello! Just played the new chapter and had to come here to say how much I loved it!!! I got so invested that I just had to replay it trying the different Lux-MC combos, since the changes in dynamic are so interesting! Not only between them, but also with the family. Reading Lux's POV at the end was also great, and I couldn't help but notice and feel sorry for the difference in f and m versions of Lux- the f version being much more acquainted with shame and so. Also the scene with Isolde made me feel so sorry for her! It's just outright awful.

Talking about the family though, I must say I loved their scenes more than I thought I would! Each of them feels distinct, and in the brief interactions we've had so far you can already tell the core aspects of their personality and their relationship with the MC. I particularly liked the scene where a parent comforts MC after a nightmare. Thank you for making family dynamics that are not black or white- they feel complex, just like in real life. MC deliberating whether to be honest bc they know their parents' personality but still wanting comfort was way too real.

As a last note, I like how from so early on our relationship to our "faith" is already being calibrated. There were some options back at the ceremony last chapter, but with the prophecy ritual in this one we really get to mold how devoted (or not) our MC is. It felt immersive.

Thank you for the update and I'm so looking forward to play more!

I'm so glad you liked Chapter 2, anon! And I'm even more glad that you played with multiple Lux-MC combos. I totally get that not everyone is interested in playing with an MC who doesn't match their own gender, or playing with an RO who doesn't fit their sexuality, but I think the variety is worth giving those things a shot.

Good catch with male and female Lux's differing familiarity with shame! I slipped that in as a little tidbit, but it says so much about them as characters, and I'm glad it's being noticed ;). As for Isolde, yeah, she's... absolutely awful. Both to f!Lux, in ways you've seen in the demo so far, and to m!Lux, in ways that haven't been shown yet in the game. She sees far too much of herself in f!Lux especially, and she hates her for it. Which is going to be really fun -- for me, not for poor Lux -- to dig into to as the story goes on.

As for the MC's family, I love writing them a lot! They're such an important part of the MC's life and will continue to be, and so I'm taking extra care to flesh them out as much as possible. Alaric and Eulia are certainly complex people, and their respective traumas can make it difficult to connect with their children. But they are loving, as is seen if the MC decides to confide in them. Complexity for the win!

And lastly in terms of piety, that's a really difficult thing for me to balance in terms of both realism and giving the players breath to calibrate their own level of faith. Because the prophecies are unquestionably real, making the MC a complete atheist isn't possible. But I do try to give the players some leeway in how their MCs view the faith as a whole.

Thanks for playing, and I'm looking forward to writing more 😁

[jechristine]

Side note and kind of curious. I know now we revere shakespeare today and romeo and juliet has become so engrained in culture but Im curious what was the reception when romeo and juliet was first releas? Did people at the time predict or think shakespeare would become as big as he is today?

This is such a complex question, but I love it!

First Romeo & Juliet—

One piece of evidence that contemporaries loved this play is that fact that it was printed at least three times during Shakespeare’s own lifetime, in 1597 when the play was first staged, in 1599, and in 1609. The texts of plays were usually printed in “quarto” form, a term that denotes the size of the book.

You can see that the printer of the first edition advertises the text by blurbing “As it hath been often (with great applause) [played publically].” You want to buy this book because people are loving this play! (This first edition is much shorter than subsequent editions, leading some scholars to speculate that an actor, maybe one who played the nurse, took what he remembered from his own “role” to a printer to set out and publish.

That this play was republished twice more and then a fourth time in quarto in 1623 and a fifth time in folio (a big coffee table book) in 1623 suggests that there was continuing interest in it and that it probably came back to the stage repeatedly.

Now Shakespeare—

Here’s a really quick overview.

William Shakespeare was one of many excellent early modern English playwrights, working during one of, if not thee, most exciting, creative, dynamic eras of English theater. He was lucky to have lived when he did.

You can see on the covers of some early editions of his other plays that his name gets bigger as time moves on, suggesting that there was increasingly a market for Shakespeare’s works in particular.

This wasn’t typical at all. Generally people didn’t care who wrote the plays; typically early modern plays were the products of collaboration anyway. There certainly wasn’t copyright. Usually the theaters owned the text.

But the idea of the “Author” was emerging during this era, and due in parts to the wild popularity of the theaters, changing market systems, and Shakespeare’s contemporary Ben Jonson’s sheer force of will, that idea of the Author began to attach to playwrights, too.

By 1623, Jonson (who had already collected and published his own plays in folio under his name seven years earlier) helped to bring all of Shakespeare’s works together in one expensive volume known today to the First Folio.

Jonson wrote a poem as a preface that included these lines—

Tri'umph, my Britain, thou hast one to show

To whom all scenes of Europe homage owe.

He was not of an age but for all time!

(Link to the whole poem)

Check out the whole poem if you want to see more about how Jonson, with the support of this First Folio, made his contemporary and one-time rival into Shakespeare™️, the one we still know today.

So it’s not only that people predicted Shakespeare would become big; it’s that they set out to make him become big—likely as a way to celebrate British culture, which in the early 17c was still an underdog relative to French, Italian, and the ancient cultures.

[emerald-truth]

Remington Steele playlist

At long last my Remington Steele playlist is finished! I've spent a long time collecting songs that remind me of both Laura and Remington and their relationship (there's nothing about the other characters really though sorry). The link is here and there's an explanation of the significance of all the songs and my usual lengthy rs analysis below the cut:

Bravado - Lorde: For some reason I think of this as more of a Laura song even though most of the references to her past imply that she's been extroverted for at least most of her adulthood. Both Laura and Remington however have had to "find my own bravado" in order to con people and overcome their circumstances (mostly misogyny for Laura and poverty for Remington). They've both gotten to a point in their careers where they're motivated by the admiration of others ("the applause the approval the things that make me go"). They both have to put on a certain persona to appear successful and be respected. This is maybe more obvious on Remington's side where he's actively pretending to be different people to fake competence, but Laura has had to change herself quite a bit from a free wheeling girl to a professional and some of that is acquiring confidence in herself.

Tales From The Riverbank - The Jam: This song always makes me think of how Pierce Brosnan talks about his actual childhood, but as we don't know a lot about Remington's upbringing before he went to London I'm gonna bring this in. So much of the Remington lore is inspired by Pierce's actual life anyway so I think it works. He always talks very fondly of growing up on the banks of the River Boyne. I think it resonates in a different way for Remington who is always looking for his parents, hoping to reclaim his lost childhood. I especially like the line "Now life is so critical, life is too cynical. We lose our innocence, we lose our very soul." Remington was forced to live on the streets and become a criminal by the cruelties of the world and it's meant he's had to give up some of his natural good nature by the time Laura meets him. I also just love The Jam and I think they're fitting to young Remington as a popular British punk band of the late 70s and early 80s.

Dark Streets of London - The Pogues: Ok now Remington has come to London. There's not really a particular part of this song I think is especially relevant, but overall it's fitting for Remington being a poor Irish immigrant and struggling to get by on the streets of London. The Pogues are also another one of my favorite bands who line up in terms of time, place, and spirit. I tried to include a number of songs on here that I could imagine the characters listening and reacting to and this is one of those.

You're Gonna Go Far, Kid - The Offspring: Ok this one is definitely from the wrong time period. But it's pretty much about Daniel Chalmers teaching Remington to become a great con man. Also the source of the playlist title "with a thousand lies and a good disguise," which I think is the most fitting line. I think it's interesting how this song could also apply to Laura. The way that she cons people too even though she doesn't think of herself as a criminal or untrustworthy like Remington is a really interesting aspect of their dynamic to me. They've both gone far on deception.

Homemade Dynamite - Lorde: This is a song about the two of them meeting. They immediately see something in each other and admire the ingenuity and determination they share. "I'll give you my best side, tell you all my best lies" is the most relevant line here because at this point they're both showing each other their professional side and hiding things from each other. However, they both admire each other's skills in deception. "I think that you might be the same as me, Behave abnormally" is also really interesting because as much as they're opposed in the show, they do have a lot in common and they come to understand each other's idiosyncracies better than anyone else can. They are also "showing someone else love" early in their relationship to make each other jealous.

How Soon Is Now? - The Smiths: Song for lonely single people (both our main characters). As much as they put up a front, underneath it they're both messy people who need love. They're also both told that they "go about things the wrong way" and that's why they can't have a happy relationship. Laura is told she is supposed to get married and stop working like her sister, but she wants a loving relationship where she can keep her career and independence. Remington is I think a little less aware of why people dislike him, but other characters are often put off by his affected speech patterns and movie references. Laura also holds his past over his head and insists that he has a duplicitous nature.

Strut - Sheena Easton: I really wanted to include a Sheena Easton song but a lot of them I feel don't fit Laura's sensibilities and fear of romance. This one works though! The kind of 80s feminism that Laura espouses is a really interesting part of the show as a representation of its time, so I had to include something to do with that. In addition to her convictions about her own worth, this also represents the problems Laura has with Remington at first when he's still acting out his front of Old Hollywood masculinity.

Animal - Miike Snow: This is a song I really relate too and I think Remington would too (projection maybe haha) specifically in the experience of autistic masking. I feel like Remington's ability to play a wide range of roles in his cons is an extension of the way he's always playing the role of the person he thinks people want him to be. The chorus especially captures the feeling of always hiding something to try to fit in ("I change shapes just to hide in this place. . . Nobody knows it but me when I slip.") The parts about having a hole in yourself and not knowing how to fill it, and failing to fill it with money, also speak to how lonely Remington (and Laura!) is without close relationships. "And now I'm pulling your disguise up. Are you free or are you tied up?" could also apply in both directions as they try to determine who each other really are and if they're too tied down by their past or not to have a relationship.

It's My Life - Talk Talk: This is a quintessential Laura song to me. She's a little annoyed with herself for falling in love with Remington, but enjoying it in spite of herself. Whether they're in a relationship or not however, she isn't willing to give up her own life and dreams. She doubts how much Remington really loves her ("I've asked myself how much do you commit yourself") but is willing to give him chance after chance to prove himself. Also it's a classic 80s bop.

Mary - Alex G: Apparently this song is actually about weed but it's mostly in here for the line "she says I am real and you are not" because Laura does say that and it's kind of insane. But overall it also represents Remington's single minded devotion to Laura no matter how many times she rejects him.

I'm From Nowhere - Neko Case: I think this song is interesting to contrast with Strut because it's also feminist in Neko Case's signature complex and vaguely transgender way but also explicitly mentions the 80s in relation to not wanting to be a "lady." I think the reference is to a gender neutral ideology which briefly came out of second wave feminism and has since died back again. The line at the end of that verse "Then maybe you can take this over and I'll gladly wear the pants into the next century" goes along with Laura's feminist determination but also relates to the gender swapped tropes of the show where Remington fills the femme fatale role. Also somewhat relates to my as yet underdeveloped gendery theories about Laura and Remington being one person. But I think the line "Perhaps it's best if I continue starring me as you" still resonates in both directions without that. Remington is starring as Laura by acting as the face of her intellect. However, Laura is playing the role of the detective which would typically go to a man like Remington. "You say I'm lucky to be here, but I've been driving for 21 days" also goes along with the dismissal of her hard work Laura faces as a woman throughout the show. I think this song also represents success through deception with the line "welcome to this dirty business" near the beginning which could reflect either Remington introducing Laura to the criminal underworld or her including him in her own scheme. The song ends with decrying a lavish and famous life and conceding that "I'm from nowhere." This feels like revealing Remington Steele's non existence as a character for whose fame Laura and Remington as real people "die a little."

Secret Garden - Spiritbox: Spiritbox lyrics are always so complex . . . But I see it as a song about how carefully Laura guards her achievements and emotions to the point that she "disregard my heart" because she's afraid of getting hurt or losing her independence. "Nobody takes from me what I grow" because she has worked so hard to become a successful detective and won't give that up for anything. But because she can't find a relationship she can balance with her career that also means "nobody waits for me." Nevertheless, her love compels her to keep coming back to Remington ("it's you that I came for").

Jackie and Wilson - Hozier: I think this is one of the most perfectly fitting songs on the playlist about their relationship from Remington's perspective. With Laura he feels he doesn't have to put on a disguise or a "better version of me." He thinks maybe she'll "save" him because she sees through his "feeble disguise" and still loves him and all his strange quirks. She's pretty much the only person who understands and doesn't mind his constant movie references ("she'll know me crazy . . . she wouldn't care"). He hopes that with her he can stop pretending and be one person, leaving behind his alter egos "every version of me dead and buried in the yard outside." She rejects him so many times however that for most of the show this ending is just the dream referenced in the last verse. Also obviously. They're detectives.

The Perfect Pair - beabadoobee: Another song that references the similarities of the couple right off the bat! It's about a couple who can't understand "why we have all this doubt" when they seem so suited to each other. I think this is definitely fitting for later in their relationship when they've been trying to make it work for years and are "so tired of fighting" but can't quite get there. They know that they're breaking each other's hearts but they "end up like always" in the same place of conflict which they are "used to." Laura also wants Remington to have more serious conversations with her and "show me that you could say it to my face" that he loves her.

Break The Sky - The Hush Sound: First of two breakup songs I put near the end of the album because Laura and Remington do kind of break up before they really get together. As the song says they "kiss goodbye a dozen times before we get there." I mostly conceive of this song as about how Laura feels she shouldn't get with anyone because she can "break the sky myself" and her fear that a relationship will stifle her dreams which she "won't be haunted by."

Whatever's Written in Your Heart - Gerry Rafferty: Second break up song. Excellent song from an excellent album and soooo representative of these two. No matter how much they talk to each other they've still "left it all unsaid." Nevertheless, by this point in their relationship they care greatly for "whatever's written in your heart." They still have both "got your secrets," even though they've "played this game now for a long long time" dancing around commitment. This is because especially Laura "don't lean on anyone" but they both have trust issues that meant they "never wanted me to get too close." I find almost all of this song applicable but I've just mentioned my favorite parts.

I Wanna Be Adored - The Stone Roses: This song is pretty simple, both our main characters desperately want to be loved and keep holding on to each other through all the ups and downs of their relationship because they recognize that the other's love for them is greater than anything they've had before. In terms of selling their soul, they've both accumulated a number of mistakes, flaws, and crimes that especially by the end of the show there's nothing they wouldn't do for their love because they've done it all already.

Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler: I had to do include this. But it's true they've been wanting and needing each other for so long and eventually they have to give in to that fact. They rely on each other in their darkest moments to always be there, whether it's Remington comforting Laura in Red Holt Steele or Laura following Remington to London in Steele Searching. "I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be but I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am" is also like. yeah. Remington never became the perfect man he wanted to be for Laura, but he loved her without asking her to change like her ex and her family did, and she also loved him as his real self without him having to become her perfect man.

As Time Goes By - Dooley Wilson: Another song I obviously had to include. I included it more because of all the Casablanca references in the show rather than anything in the lyrics, but it's still a nice love song. The references to the same love stories always being popular also goes along with the many old tropes, especially from noir, used in the show which are still compelling in a new context.

[azrielgreen]

I've been obsessed with Prism and I'm so excited to see it continue, as I feel like Steve and Eddie's relationship have reached this final, official stage and I'm really wondering how that will compare to Steve's relationship with Billy. Obviously, the dynamic is different. However, I wonder if Steve starts to find any similarities in the small things (domestically, routine, etc) despite the differences and how he might react to that. His relationship with Eddie has been established for the reader since early on in fhe fic, and it has certainly evolved, but just now, it has reached this threshold of being an official relationship. Perhaps you have plans to explore this, but the idea of how Steve relates his previous relationships to certain types of trauma would be super interesting. Like, with Silver Fox, it wasn't necessarily an established relationship, and it left Steve feeling used--again, when he is sold to Eddie, it is not an established relationship, and while there is conenction, it isn't domestic. The dynamic that ended up hurting Steve the most, physically (long-term, etc), was his established relationship with Billy, and therefore, I'm curious about the parallels. I'm sort of reaching here, but I think this is a huge change in the story that, while maybe being in an official relationship with Eddie makes Steve feel more secure, could end up creating repeated traumas. You mentioned that the story is about to get a lot darker, which is super exciting as well!

I hope I didn't bore you with my ramblings! I also wanted to ask, is there a set schedule planned for Prism updates, or are you releasing them as you can?

Hi, thank you so so much! Yes, I'm officially releasing Prism chapters on a monthly basis but I'm also trying to get them out as and when I can. There's actually a chapter due THIS WEEK as a Christmas surprise!

Steve and Eddie's relationship is full of parallels to Steve and Billy's, this is a huge part of what makes Prism so interesting to write! There are endless elements where something Eddie does is a flipped version of something Billy did and their relationship, especially as it starts out, has many similarities too, i.e Eddie moving in without asking. The difference is always that Eddie makes it feel good, whatever it is. In this upcoming chapter we see more of the relationship very much in the honeymoon phase, setting the tone for how indulgent and insular they both are when it comes to loving each other. Ch18 will be the absolute high point of the story and I'm so happy to gift it to readers before Xmas day because after that we have a real dead drop ahead and the shaping of a very dark, painful and fairly gut-wrenching story that sets up for Part Three.

This was such a beautiful and insightful Q, thank you so much again! 🖤🌈✨️