#ive been trying to make friends since the start of school but im too scared to and everyone already seems to know someone else and i dont

[kirexa]

There's a lot of things that if you guys knew you would probably yell at me abt

[patrickispinky]

Sex, Drugs, Etc.

Warnings: Talk of drugs/Drug use. Possible smut in the future. SH. A lot of plot. EXTREME Canon divergence. Before Maddies time. Set in 2022

I got a lot of inspiration and motivation from @whoopsyeahokay series called October Sun if you haven't read it yet I recommend you do its amazing, you can find it on tumblr and Ao3. October Sun

(This is very self indulgent and based on things ive been through and how I could have very easily ended up as a ghost. This is NOT meant to romanticize addiction or mental illness. This is a judgment free zone so I want no bullying or hate on anyone. I'm not the best writer so be nice)

1.9k Words

Enjoy :)

-

Two days, two fucking days you’ve been rotting and no ones come to find you. Well no one alive at least. 

It started off normal, nothing out of the ordinary. Just another boring school day with the same washed out boring people. Tired eyes and even more tired souls. So what changed? A little slip up on the same thing that had almost claimed your life many times over the years except this time no one was there to save you. 

You were 14 when you first learned the only way for your brain to stop spinning, trying to find a new way to obtain peace was with a very simple little thing. Weed, this wasn't what was deadly, no it was what started the cycle. First it was weed, then it was alcohol, then it was late night parties, until one day it fell into the palm of your hand. A simple little pill, how could it cause so much damage? Things were fine until one pill turned into two then two turned into three and then you ended up on the patio of a stranger's porch foaming out the mouth. 4 days in the hospital and 2 weeks in rehab was enough to scare you for a while, but not enough to make you forget about the relief that came with it. 

That's how you ended up here, sitting in a circle sharing stories about life and death, a group of highschool boys who had no idea you were even there, playing basketball behind you. Should have just gone to group like you were told to, at least then you would have been with people who understood addiction. Now judgmental eyes fall upon you because you caused your own death. As much as you wanted to find someone, something to blame you knew you couldn't, this was your fault. The spinning hasn't stopped. At least ghosts couldn't go through withdrawal, doesn’t change the fact that the empty feeling you tried so desperately to fill is more presint than ever.  

The sweet voice of Mr.Martin fills the room. Like white nose until you heard him call your name. Head shooting up to look up at him. “Have you started working on your obituary?” Ah yes, ghost homework. you would have never thought that you would have been asked to write your own obituary yet here we are. Not as easy as it sounds.

“I’ve got some ideas” Like when you got so drunk you threw up on your friends cat, or when you were so high that your brother convinced you the plane flying over your house was a UFO, fun memories. Apparently you were supposed to write about the good parts of your life but that's kinda hard when the only good memories you had were caused by what put you in this situation to begin with. 

“Take your time, if you need to im sure some of the others wouldn't mind telling you about what they wrote, for motivation.” You give a simple nod, wanting all the prying eyes around you to look away. And they do, except a certain pair that had been watching you since you got here. 

Wally Clark, a sweet boy, bright future, died to soon like everyone else in this fucked up version of your own personal hell. He asked too many questions, it wasn't a secret how you died, just something you didn't want to talk about.  He respected that, like most of the others, most. Doesn't stop him from prying, staring with curious eyes. 

“I think that's all for today,  don't forget tomorrow's movie night as always our newest member will be picking the movie.” You give an awkward smile before standing up and turning to leave along with the rest of the group. Heavy footsteps creeping up behind you and the sound of your name being called stops you as the tall boy catches up.

“So um do you need help with your obituary? not to brag but I think I did a pretty good job on mine.” Wally was quite attractive, tall, with big brown eyes, and slick back brown fluffy hair. No doubt having made girls fawn over him during his lifetime. You and him weren't exactly friends but the idea of having a little help writing… well, a self obituary wasn't bad. 

“Sure, we could go to the library.” An excited grin grew on Wallys face, not expecting you to say yes. 

“Yeah, yeah the library sounds great” It was kinda cute how he acted sometimes. Not like a typical jock, a pure golden retriever. 

“Cool” You stand there kinda awkwardly, hands in the pockets of your red zip up hoodie as you gave him an expecting look. 

“Oh like now?” He was somehow the most confident yet most awkward person in the world. “Um okay yeah that works” 

You tilt your head sideways towards the door leading out the gym, indicating for him to follow you out. Taking the lead and making your way out, opening the door for him. “Ladies first” He let out a small chuckle at your attempt at a joke, considering it was the first time you really talked to anyone since everything happened. It wasn't that you didn't like people, you just didn’t understand the point of friends. It might sound depressing but having a small group of people that you know will stick around is better than hanging around people that barely know you. Yet here you are, stuck with strangers for eternity or until you finally move on, however long that’ll take. 

The hallway was filled with loud teens, some rushing to their next class others going out the back door, more than likely skipping. “So how does this work?” You look over at him.

“What? The afterlife?” He looks at you, a little nervous. “I don’t think im the best person to explain it to you, that's more of Charley's thing.” Charley was sweet, the first person you met when you woke up. Some sort of after life guide. 

“No, a self obituary.” The words felt weird coming out your mouth. “I know I'm supposed to write about all the great things in life but I don't think huffing nitrous in my uncles bathroom on thanksgiving really counts as a good memory.” 

“Nitrous? like the shit in whipped cream?” He gave you a sideways look, a concerned but humored smile on his face. 

“Yes, the shit in whipped cream, I don't recommend. I passed out and almost had a seizure.” As we reach the library he opens the door, allowing you to go in first. 

“Okay, maybe don’t include that in your obituary, how about” He thought for a second. “Write about your friends and family, I'm sure you have some good memories with them.” 

You let out a frustrated sigh as you sat down at a table, Wally sitting down across from you as you take off your backpack, pulling a pencil and the folder Mr.Martin had given you. “That's too much work, do you think Mr.Martin would notice if I just copied yours?” Wally laughs a little, his straight white teeth showing.

“No, he’ll totally believe that you played football and lost your virginity in your moms car.” Now you’re the one laughing, his sentence coming out way too casually. 

“You lost your virginity in your moms car?” You take a few seconds to process before you look at him judgmentally. “You included how you lost your virginity?” Though the smiles’ still apparent on your face. 

“Happy memories, remember?” And there's the jock attitude you were waiting for, somehow a bit surprising but not unexpected. “You could just write your feelings.” You have a whole journal for that from when you got sober… soberish. 

“This may come as a shock to you but I'm not exactly a feelings person.” Not totally true, it was just easier to not feel anything at all, especially with the situation you're in right now. 

“Really? I couldn't tell” The sarcastic tone in his voice very apparent. “Alright fine, if you were happiest when you were high then it's worth writing.” 

“Great, so high stories, got it” Though it wasn't the best idea, you had to write something so Mr.Martin would get off your ass about it. Reminiscing was a slippery slope, you were holding up decently so far but contrary to what all the others think it hurt deep down. “How about the first time I tried molly?” Probably one of the best ‘happy pills’ you tried in your lifetime. 

“What was it like?” He clearly had no intentions of finding out first hand, just curious of the experience. 

“It made me really aware but like in a good way.” There was no real way to describe it without going into depth. “And kinda trippy I guess, does that make sense?” 

“Yeah, I guess.” He knew he could never truly understand, no one could unless they experienced it themselves. As you begin to jot down the memory Wally peaks over, looking at the page though it's not very useful due to the fact that he doesn't possess the skill to read upside down. 

“Nosey” You laugh a little at his attempt to get to know you better. “You know if you want to get to know me, maybe there are better ways to do it then helping me write my own obituary” Yep, still didn't sound right.  

“Oh um yeah, this is probably a really weird first hang out.” He laughs awkwardly at the realization that this is still new to you. It wasn't like he had never been around a new ghost before, he knew he was supposed to be slow, supportive, ease them into it but with the way you acted sometimes made him think you were more used to this than he was. In a way you were, death was something that you had imagined so many times so when it actually came the idea of being trapped wasn't one you hadn't thought of before. “How about after we're done with this I could take you down to the pool?” 

You smile, the sentiment was sweet. “Thanks, but I don't know how to swim.” You were never taught and it didn't seem important in life so you just never learned. The surprised look on Wallys face was priceless.

“How the hell are you 18 and don’t know how to swim?” It wasn't judgmental, just a little surprised, but the grin on his face indicated that he had an idea. 

“Oh god, what are you thinking about?” You knew what was coming, he wouldn't be him if he didn’t jump at the opportunity to help a new friend. Wally was very readable and you didn’t know if that was a good thing yet. 

“I could teach you.” And there it was, of course he wanted to teach you. “It could be fun, plus you don't have much else to do.” 

“You know what fuck it, you’re right there isnt shit else to do.” Especially with your body still laying cold in the old abandoned locker rooms aka ‘the brain cave’. 

“Great, you should keep writing, the faster you get it over with the less weird it feels.” And that's how it started, you were never the friend type but as much as you hated to say it you needed someone. Sure that someone is very attractive and the idea of seeing him in nothing but swim trunks was a nice image but who could blame you? The afterlife is lonely.

Pt.2

[drdemonprince]

do you think it's worth it being nonbinary if you dont have like, body/physical dysphoria? Ive been identifying as nonbinary since i was 14 and when i was in high school it was great, i had my little liberal bubble queer friend group, and the rest of the school didnt pay much attention to me. My mom accepted me in the "i dont get it but whatever i dont want you to stop talking to me so i guess ill go along with it" sense, which while not perfect, its fine. But last september i started studying engineering and. Its really not going well. Like 85% of my classmates are straight guys and they range from thinking nonbinary people are cringe (and therefore they make fun of me when i walk by) to being extremely transphobic (im very scared of some of them.) And ive been trying to make friends with the girls in my class, and some of them are nice, but i can tell they also dont like that im nonbinary. One of them literally told me "i get that being a woman is hard, i dont like having periods or the ways guys look at me either, but you dont gain anything by denying yourself". So. I kind of think about that nearly every night now. Doubting whether im really nonbinary. And it really doesnt help knowing that basically every girl here either thinks that or just straight up thinks im gross and weird, ive literaly heard one of them go 'what is THAT doing in the womens' when i walked past her from the bathroom. I dont like going to class much.

Im thinking of detransisioning, i guess. I never started taking hormones (good luck getting those in eastern europe lol), so I could easily start looking like a cis girl again. These will be my coworkers and bosses, i cant live like this until i retire. i want to have fun uni experiences too. And ive been thinking so much lately about why im even doing this. Its just a few words that people call me by. Theres nonbinary people who use binary pronouns and pass as cis, i could be one of them and just not tell anyone that im actually nb. but on the other hand, it feels like im giving up on the trans community if i do this. Giving up on activism. Im sure im not the only one in this situation, if i detransition ill be letting them down completely. I dont want the next generation to be as fucked as this one. Also i came out very publicly to my entire class (i wanted to find other queer people to be friends with, i hoped that would do the trick maybe. I was so naive and stupid) and it will be so fucking humiliating to go back on that and im scared ill do all that and theyll keep treating me the same anyways because im already "tainted" by transness. So i would let so many people down for nothing.

The one other trans friend from my high school friend group solved this issue by paying more than ten fucking thousand euros per year to study in the netherlands btw. The exchange rate to our currency makes it somehow even worse than it sounds. Hes probably going to be able to start taking hormones before he gets his bachelors. I wish my mom was that rich :|

First of all, I want to say that I am so sorry anon that you are facing so much fucking exclusion and harassment. That kind of treatment pushes a lot of trans people into detransitioning, and it is brutal, and that this experience can happen to nonbinary people who are not on hormones but have otherwise transitioned is something that does not get acknowledged enough.

I can't tell you what you should do in your situation, because no outcome is great. But I think you might find some elements of this article from Kier Adrian Grey on ceasing their use of they/them pronouns (among the cis public!) interesting. They're an "ex anarchist" and a bit of an anti social justice dogma kinda person so I don't agree with them on many things, but I did like this point that they made:

"Hear me out: maybe the best way to understand they/them pronouns, within the context of a pluralistic democracy, is as a subcultural norm, a way for LGBT people to show respect for one another within our community. That sense of belonging I felt when I first found queer spaces was profound, and if using gender-neutral pronouns gives someone that gift, I am all for it. "But I do wonder if we are setting people up for hardship when we tell them that they should hope for, expect, or insist on they/them pronouns being used by everyone they encounter, and that they will be emotionally injured every time this fails to happen. In my thirteen years, misgendering was rarely malicious, and yet it still fed into a wounded identity and a suspicious worldview."

I don't think that what Kier has written about their experience applies to even most nonbinary people, and if taken too prescriptively by the wrong people it could be an awful dysphoria cope that leads a person to some pretty dark places. But! For someone whose feelings about it all are like Kier's, and whose life experiences have given them similar perspective, I think there is something to it. It's true that thinking a great deal about how one is gendered by others is crazy making and sometimes isolating, and if that's the sole way in which one's transness interfaces with the world, it's not always to the person's net benefit.

Here's the full piece:

I will say that based on all you had to say, anon, it would be a lot better for you if you could get around a lot of queer and trans people! What you're struggling with is not being seen and appreciated for who you are, and all the cis people undermining you are driving you crazy and making you doubt yourself. I'd MUCH prefer if you could find more local queer community or relocate if necessary to feel more appreciated as you are.

BUT if you find yourself resonating with this author's points and it feels like only being out to other trans and queer people would be good for you, that is okay to do. That isn't "detransitioning," it's being choosy about whom you trust. And many of us navigate those decisions. I'm not out as trans to everyone I meet! Most people just think I'm a cis guy. The big difference between you and me is that I have medically transitioned (and if you want to, I recommend ordering some hormones on India Mart!!!). You have some choices here about how much information you give to other people, how much you trust people who are incredibly ignorant, how much you will expose yourself to harm by making requests for treatment that might not happen, and how to build the community you need to survive this awful transphobic reality.

[crazylittlejester]

Do you have any more thoughts on the Sidney working in the emergency room when Wars comes in messed up from your one post?

yes i do ive deadass been entertaining this idea in my head all day- this is going to be a somewhat scattered answer because im just writing down a bunch of little thoughts ive had about this. also sorry if theres any spelling mistakes i got a headache 💔

- I dont have the best idea for how War would be injured, but it’d have to be something like it’s either some car related accident or he was straight up attacked while walking home in the city and the person after his wallet shot/stabbed him before they left. Definitely leaning more towards car, simply because that’d scare Sidney shitless since he was in a bad crash that took him out of school and had him repeating a grade and relearning how to move, and that injury was what made him want to be a trauma surgeon in the first place. Sidney avoids travel by car as much as possible and has a hard time being driven by other people because he’s scared of cars, so the idea of almost losing War to one and seeing him half dead BECAUSE of a car accident would absolutely kill him (ofc so would just seeing War hurt, but yknow)

- this would definitely have to happen when they’re a bit older, like mid thirties at the youngest for him to have been able to make it through medical school and then residency and then a fellowship program and its just a lot of stuff

- His brain probably wouldn’t want to process what it was seeing at first. Like he’d hear about an incoming patient in bad condition and hear descriptive shit about him and then he’d SEE him but it would probably take him a minute to recognize him. Like yeah its War and he’d know him anywhere, but he doesn’t want to see him Here. he does NOT want to see him here and in this position because thats his worst fucking nightmare

- Legally he wouldn’t be able to operate on him, though if there was literally no one else he’d have to. fortunately for him there WOULD VE someone else and they would send him home and call someone else in, because Sidney would completely shut down and he wouldn’t be able to do shit. he wouldn’t be able to focus, and he would Not be able to drive himself home. Twi or Sun or someone would have to come pick him up. And he’d definitely be in shock and denial for a minute. He’d have to go home to his apartment to care for the cats, and he’d be in there very noticeably without War, but it would take a bit for the full realization and reality to hit him and at that point he’d probably lose his fucking shit that hed been sent home because yes he trusts his coworkers but he CAN (not legally) actually do something to help in this situation. he COULD fix War, he COULD do something, but hes not allowed to and hes being forced to wait

- whatever very kind, but ultimately unfortunate soul who had to spend the night with Sidney because THEY were worried about War too and couldn’t bear to leave Sidney alone would be kept up all night from their own concerns and also Sidney repetitively checking his phone for updates. and then the second he gets one they would have to drive him back so he can go see War with his own eyes. sleep be damned (and then theyd drive back to their place and probably just pass the fuck out)

- he doesn’t really have a lot of reliable breaks because he goes whenever he’s called because he deals with emergency situations, but every single opportunity he has Sidney would be checking on War with his own eyes and stopping by to the point where his own coworkers and friends want to fucking strangle him because he’s hovering (they text him any time theres so much as a slight change, positive or negative, in War’s condition. and if more than two hours pass with nothing to report someone texts him anyway to prolong him coming over to stare down some poor resident just trying to do their job)

- once War is conscious and on the mend he’d start actively telling Sidney to fuck off verbally, though it is Incredibly clear from his face that seeing Sidney is a relief because War has a fuck ton of medical trauma in this au and the scent of a doctor’s office is usually enough to send him into a panic attack so he’s absolutely losing his mind and freaking out. but he’d send Sidney off because he knows hes gotta do his job. and also the sassier he is the more relaxed Sidney gets because if hes being a shit then its clear he’s uncomfortable and scared, but not necessarily in pain or doing poorly. the second hes cleared to go home he’ll be fucking crawling out of there himself if he has to

WILL i ever write this? who knows. but i Will probably do a fic for them for their “future” where War winds up in the ER for WHATEVER reason and Sidney’s shift is like about to end when he finds out War is there and as a patient and he’s stuck finishing up his last thirty minutes before he can leave, and then he can go sit with War and calm him down because at that point War losing his shit is causing more problems than whatever he came in for but he literally just cant stop panicking because he just completely shuts down every time he finds himself in a medical setting (hes both annoyed and put at ease by the fact that Sidney is lowkey chatting with every doctor and nurse who comes in to deal with him because Sidney knows a lot of these people. a lot of his issues and fears come from shit being done to him that he didn’t want but his mother agreed to because it was genuinely for the benefit of his health but he felt out of control in the situation and it scared him, and when he panics and gets scared that bad he loses the ability to speak so having someone there with him who knows him well and who he knows wont hurt him or force him to do shit is good (explaining why something is necessary and good for him and helping him see that and convincing him to accept something even if he’d rather do anything else and it still scares him is DIFFERENT than forcing him and making him do something after he’s said no))

[qamaraftermidnight]

Oh me gosh I love love LOVE Reyhaneh!! Can u tell me more abt her pls?

THANK YOUUU🤍🤍 bro she means sm to me & ive been waiting for somebody to ask abt her !! heres some lore + random info at the end :3 this is rly long btw lol and i might update it as i add more to her lore

her full name is reyhaneh ahmadzai & ethnicity is afghan (half pashtun half tajik) so she speaks eng, pashto and a little bit of farsi !! since my jeff is persian sometimes they talk to eachother in farsi together even if their dialects are different hehe theyre so cute but ill elaborate on that.

shes just a very hurt person and didnt get the proper help she needed. not that she personally causes anyone harm directly but her complicity in the crimes of the *regular creepypasta cast lol* is clearly not okay. due to her (undiagnosed) autism+bpd+depression its very hard to make lasting connections with people even though she really, truly tries. she eventually made a few friends at her uni (other ocs ill draw at some point hehe). as a kid she had a good relationship with her parents but when she was only 11 years old her father died of medical complications and her mother passed a few months later (grief driven suicide), leaving reyhaneh alone, traumatized and to the foster care system since her family were first gen immigrants and had no family in the usa. she is in fact a muslimah but she really struggles with her imaan(faith) a lot due to mental health problems and all that. she still prays and fasts ofc but regularly commits major sins. shes trying rly hard tho :(

one night while at a local scenes black metal gig type thing, she met jeff. at first he casually spoke to her noticing that she was alone and very quick to divulge personal info to him despite being a total stranger (he saw her as an easy victim at first basically) but he ended up rly empathizing and relating to her struggles. they rly connected and he decided to let her live. he kinda stalks her for a while and eventually they start dating. theyre both very mentally unwell people who give the comfort, safety and love to eachother that they needed for so long.

reyhaneh ofc eventually finds out that jeff is a serial killer but she wouldnt dare tell anyone. and yes im a slendermansion enjoyer so she does end up living there with the other *typical creepypasta cast* lol. she loves the others there too and gets along with almost everyone in the mansion. the operator still scares her tho.

nina is another person she feels like she can truly be herself around. theyre just so in sync hehe theyre bsfs and its so cute. emo girl and jfashion girl duo is unmatched

TBA

misc info:

-5'4

-ispf-t i think

-22 by this time

-experiences chronic nightmares

-oil painter yaay

-shes still in uni even tho she lives in a supernatural serial killer mansion LMFAO BARBZ STAY IN SCHOOL‼️

-jirai kei style :3333

-fave music genres are black metal, jpop, thrash metal and sad persian love songs (iykyk)

-insists on doing jeffs makeup and kohl for him hehe

ty for reading the whole thing if u did im so shy to post this pls be nice guys

[sounds-void-fishy]

ik i said i was gonna sleep but then fanfic and my cat nemesis screaming. anyways thinking about how ever since i was a teen ive not wanted to have kids but wanted to foster teens cause id be too scared to fuck a kid up but my set of skills has always been on track to being that of someone good at fostering teens.

and like. idk being maggot granddyke has rlly scratched that itch? especially with the idea of maggot summer camp? i am so so so full of care. being able to teach and help and support. this is all stuff i always wanted to do. this is what i was trying to do school to. and im so grateful that i get to.

i think a lot about this elderly dyke when i worked at an old folks home who toasted me when i told her how honoured i was.

i think about the kids at my high school who tomorrow afternoon are having a st patricks day party with my mom because she is one of the adult supervision and how i started that pride club nine years ago and how having a legacy at 24 is beautiful and terrifying

i think about my roommates when i moved into my current place who were like seven and ten years older than me and declared themselves my parents, at a time when i was freshly out of inpatient and floating at best

i think about the actor at sleep no more, and me crying from the beauty of the connection of queerness

i think about a friend of mine who was a youth leader at my congregation when i was in high school who i thought was nonbinary when i first met them. they didnt realise until quite a bit later. they are one of my dearest friends now

i think about the only time i went to summer camp, a week of leadership camp. it was the first place nobody knew my birth name. where i used just they/them pronouns. it was the first place i learned of the beauty of physical platonic intimacy, where we would all cuddle, or be close while playing cards or reading my immortal

i think of all of us holding hands across the years and the time and the space. in my heart and my mind there is a hangmans tree, from peter pan. the inside is all hollow and infinitely large and there is space for all those i love.

in my soul we are at summer camp and i am yearning so deeply for that to be real in whatever way i can make it

[kavehayi]

kisses on space street • NEBULAE

aventurine x gn!reader • fluff (ongoing series)

chapter summary: pretty boy aventurine has completely taken over your college campus and everyone is warning you to stay away! however, (un)lucky for you, he's got his eyes on you.

author's note: finally doing this series😭 ive been meaning to and nothing ever came to mind to get rid of my writer's block but now im delivering the first chapter☝️

August 23rd, 20XX.

first day of college. you had to try and find your way around the huge campus from the library to the food hall to the area where your actual major resided. the place was a little overwhelming and you had a bit of trouble making your way around.

however, someone came up to help you find your way around.

aventurine. the man with beautiful eyes, is talking to you, an average person. "heya, pretty, you look lost, where do ya need to go?" he cooed in that sweet, honey-like voice. you looked a little shocked he was actually talking to you of all people. guess he sensed that since he let out a lighter chuckle, "ya look shocked, you good?" he asked, now you just have to snap out of it.

you spoke up, "yeah yeah, im...uh, fine, just looking for where my professor's classroom is at" you spoke politely. you didn't wanna waste his time, especially because he definitely has better people to talk to. you showed him the classroom number and his face lit up, "hey i have to go there too! i found it earlier, follow me" he stated pretty enthusiastically. you followed him to the classroom and he opened his mouth again.

he does not know how to shut up, huh?

he spoke up, "so, pretty, you livin' on campus?" he asked. you didn't really wanna tell him this but you went ahead and did it anyways. "uhm, yeah, im living in a dorm with a roommate, don't know his name though, didn't bother looking at the sheet." you cant believe you said that. now hes gonna bother you about looking at the sheet. "oo! let me see for you, i know everyone here" he didnt even really ask to see it, he kinda just stole your papers and looked through. judging by how his face lit up.

he was your roommate.

great.

he left you alone after he lead you to class and when lunchtime came, you went to the nearby cafe to speak to your friends. seems they had some warnings for you. "hey loser! over here!" they called you over and you sat down.

"yknow guys, i met the most obnoxious guy ever today" you started off, catching your friends' attention. your friends' names are robin, a music major. brother is sort of all over the place but he's nice. robin is also a travelling musician so there's some weeks where you never see her but she keeps contact. veritas ratio, prefers being called ratio. older than you and robin and is a junior in college. you guys only met because he accidentally threw chalk at your head when you were a junior in high school minding your business in math class.

"cant be as obnoxious as aventurine, i mean, he's literally loud and pretty so he gets away with it" robin stated and you went really quiet.

"so what if i said it was aventurine?" you questioned and robin dropped her sandwich on the table and ratio, sorta didn't show a reaction. kinda just glared. "stay away from him! he locks his eyes on someone and then ruins their life from what i heard!" robin stated with a scared expression and ratio just scoffed. "all you hear is rumors, miss robin. why dont you just get to know the guy for once, hm?" he asked her with a glare her way, robin just picked up her sandwich and ate it with a pout.

"always have a way of bullying the poor girl, huh, ratio?" you asked him, in which he just grunted and sipped his tea. "anyways, aventurine, i seriously cannot escape him, he's my roommate and in my class" you stated, robin just about imploded.

"no way! good luck dealing with him, dont be too interesting around him or else he'll target you" she said with a nervous sounding voice. you guys ended up finishing our lunch and parting ways, you and ratio going back to the campus while robin had some things to do back at her studio.

the entire day passed you by and it'd already been nine at night. you started heading back to your dorm, hoping that aventurine wasnt there. yet of course, nothing you wish for, actually happens.

"pretty! you're back, how was your first day?" he cooed, he had friends over and he didnt even bother considering how you'd feel about that. "it was fine, im going to my room, dont make too much noise" you stated before walking away. aventurine didnt think you'd be this prickly.

whatever, not like it mattered.

why should you care how he feels.

too bad for you though, he's interested in you now.

[cyybercyko]

been feeling pretty down lately idk I just feel kinda empty and invisible

lately I haven't been able to control my anger at all and I've been lashing out on people when I'm upset and when I get angry I'm furious

and it stresses me out because I feel like I don't have self control and I have no reason to be angry and all this other bullshit then I start biting my hand and fingers and its just leaving a bunch of bite marks on my hands and I bite my fingers open and gosh I just I'm so stressed it hurts

and lately I just feel like I'm not good enough to be in choir and band, I mean cuz my band hates me [ the three of them hate my guts and the others just ignore me ] and my friends know NOTHING about my problems because I'm too afraid to vent since it doesn't really help and usually they'd just use it against me anyway . I mean not like they care all of them are sick of how energetic I am or that I'm annoying or drama in the past or if I'm too aggressive .

im sure that most of my [ irl ] friends just want to tell me "I don't wanna be friends" but they're too scared they're gonna hurt me so they just go with the annoyance . I hope that if any of my friends read this , just know I don't care about it, its not gonna hurt me . just tell me you don't like me and we can go out separate ways , I won't stop you because I can't control you . I won't hate you . you shouldn't care if I do anyway; it won't affect your future .

i just feel invisible to my school-- which I might just go with online school so I can succeed . plus my classmates annoy the hell out of me .

i mean every time I go to singing lessons I'm too quiet and its been like that for years and I feel like I'm not making an improvement . because then I sound hideous when I'm trying to be louder and that also affects me in choir too . you can't hear me at all, I don't make a difference, nobody notices I'm there . same thing with band . you can hear the bass, obviously , but nobody cares that I'm there . nobody but the band instructor would notice unless I said something .

i've been pretty rude to my parents too , but I kinda always had but still ive been upsetting my parents who still decide to love me and deal with me in every aspect and way . I love my parents so much and I feel so horrible for being rude to them . my mom still changed my lesson times so I wouldn't be stressed out because they're all crammed into one day, she still comforted me while I was crying a lot last night , my dad tries to comfort me and make me happy and I feel so horrible about being a bad person . I'm such a horrible person and it's killing me .

no wonder those girls hate me, I mean, I'm just rude , I have no nice interactions with people, I'm not nice anymore

i just remember when I was a young girl and I was so happy and so nice and I wouldn't be rude to anyone unless I needed to .

now I'm just miserable and rude and i'm pretty sure everybody's sick of me and my bullshit

and I constantly just slack off on my work and I procrastinate and I have the worst work ethic in anyone's life and it sucks .

all of this just sucks .

but I don't feel like I wanna kill myself, I just want to be in a better state of mind . I'd never kill myself . what would be the point of being brought into the world if I were to just kill myself ? i'd never ever do it in my life because I have a purpose and I have life and I have a job to do .

i'm just . . upset, I don't know . I just feel super empty . and I have to go home and work on an entire project and then tomorrow its new work and I have to carry a lot of stuff around with no help and I was just upset about it and I just need to stop .

i really need to stop .

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - April 5

@mars-shifts, Midnights anon, circumstantial anon (new), outlet anon, breathing anon (new)

@mars-shifts

hey cas!! i need some advice😔

okay so i have this friend i met last summer and she's great.. but at the same time not so much. She doesn't support the LGBTQ+ community and makes homophobic and rude trans comments all the time and idk how to tell her i'm literally gay with trans friends. If it was literally anyone else i would've already told them and blocked them but i'm having a hard time telling her that i'm gay and don't support the nonsense she's always talking about because we share the same religion and go to the same school. i'm literally dealing with so much religious guilt right now that i cannot deal with anymore and i know how much she'll try to guilt trip me and manipulate me into thinking im doing something bad just because of the religion she believes in. I'm not scared that she's gonna tell anyone at our school and stuff because it's a bit more complicated than that but well you never know i guess. She's also very confusing i guess? idk like she can't even say/spell LGBTQ+ she has her 'own' word for it. like how can you be that scared? i still wanna drop her as a friend but at the same time i'm dropping her as a friend. she's also like my only friend at school so that sucks

OH SHIT SHE JUST MESSAGED ME

anyways lemme know if i should or not or i guess some tips on how to do it. hope you're doing well. buh-bye

Hi!

Okay so I'm gonna be honest with you and I need you to know that I'm not judging you or mad at you, I'm just telling you the reality:

People judge you by who you're friends with.

So if you're friends with this person, then people are going to assume you agree with what she thinks. And I think you need to think about if YOU want that reputation.

You don't have to give this person a long explanation about why you don't want to be friends. You can say "some of the things you say are mean and rude and I don't like it." You certainly don't have to come out to her. But you DO need to think about the things you're inadvertently accepting by being friends with her..

I know it's hard and lonely to go to school and not have people. And I know dropping someone as a friend isn't simple. But it might be that if you do, other people who don't like her will see that and maybe feel comfortable with you a bit more.

Sending you love <3

_____

Midnights anon (slight tw for mention of sh, but it's a positive message)

Hi! It’s midnights anon, and I am here to share some milestones!

It has been around a month of making myself shower daily, and brush my teeth twice a day! And I am 54 days clean! Fully clean! And 54 seems like an odd number but I just mentioned it today since my scars fully faded today! I’m kinda having mixed feelings about it but I logically know that this is good, and that I’m getting better

Thank you for being a safe space!! 🫶🫶

AHHHHH I'm SO proud of you! This is amazing. I know how much hard work this takes, and I hope you are proud of yourself, too <3. Keep it up!

___

circumstantial anon

hi!! Im an anon youve had before but im probably not going to keep using that anon name so feel free to rename me as you see fit

SO basically i need advice? Theres this person i know that I think ive liked for quite some time now. They make me laugh and take a genuine interest in my interests and have a really nice personality and are really such a great person to be around. Thing is, some stuff happened (neither of our faults, just some weird circumstantial thing) (I could elaborate more in another ask, but I think they might follow you so im keeping it vague) that kind of messed up the affection aspect of our friendship from the start. Im typically a very affectionate person and that helps me judge if i like someone romantically or platonically. Because im not doing either im not sure if its platonic and im just misinterpreting it. Also, the thing that happened at the beginning of our friendship makes me feel like its morally not okay to think of them romantically either, so theres that.

Thoughts?

Hi!

I'm gonna be honest, I think I need more info for this one. You're welcome to send me another anonymous inbox with details and specify that you don't want me to post the actual message, just my answer! Or you could inbox me not on anon and ask me to answer privately. Either works!

____

Outlet anon

Hey Cas, Outlet anon here.

Context: I have a sleep disorder that's similar to insomnia sometimes, and it's not uncommon for me to pull all-nighters.

So it's about 6am rn and my brain is at the point where one little part way in the back is like "maybe we should go to sleep?" and the rest of my brain is like "Absolutely Not. Sleep Is For The Weak. Anyway, the square root of 3 is 94."

My dog just threw up and I forgot what else I was gonna say.

Good night or morning or whenever you read this <3

I don't know if it's appropriate for me to laugh here, but I chuckled a bit...I hope you've gotten more sleep since then. It sounds like you get a little loopy at 6am lol

____

breathing anon

Feel free to ignore this if it's triggering or upsetting or anything, I really just needed an outlet and it's completely okay if you don't feel comfortable answering.

I think I might have just had a panic attack, I'm not entirely sure but it was something bad. I couldn't control my breathing and I've been crying for the last hour.

(Redacted)

Hi! So I only copied some of your ask because of the triggering parts, but please feel free to continue inboxing me, the content is okay with me.

Honestly, it sounds like the things that happen in your house sometimes are very upsetting. Like...emotions aren't controlled and people do scary or hurtful things, and that can cause literal trauma. And i need you to know two things: first, this is NOT normal. It's not okay and it's not an emotionally safe thing to deal with. second, you did NOT cause this. While some parents might have taken your comments as disrespectful, the reactions of your parents to you and your brother both were not okay. They should have handled the situation differently. Plenty of kids say things to their parents, and it doesn't regularly end in a scenario like this.

I know you said you don't want to tell someone, but I want you to at least think about finding an adult to talk to. You deserve to feel secure, and it sounds like at least sometimes, that's not the case. It might be that your parents need help and don't know how to react, or that they're choosing to react this way, but either way, it's not healthy.

Sending love <3

[jinchuls-moved]

hi, important lil note

pseud change, jinx -> echo

you don’t have to read but there’s a not so thought out ramble of all the thoughts in my head rn under the cut. i feel like ive been tricking people and i want to explain myself

okay so, i moved blogs when i was in a very negative space. i only stayed away for about a month, i missed tumblr and i missed writing even if it took me a hot minute to feel good enough to even be semi active on here.

tumblr can fucking suck. i left because there was drama with a few people that left me a mess honestly, those people have since been blocked and i started to feel a little bit better. i also noticed a number of people breaking mutual with me, which i completely understand curate your space as you need i’ve done it a few times myself, but the amount of people that did in a short time (as far as i noticed) gave me a terrible feeling and i needed to leave. i felt unwelcome and like i had done something wrong to people i had only interacted with a few times. this was on top of a lot of stuff i had going on irl, i felt so fucking alone in every aspect on my life regardless of my friends that made it so obvious they were there for me. i hated how i was at the time, and i appreciate every single person that stuck by me.

so i made this blog for a fresh start. i thought a new pseud and a new blog would make me feel better. and it did, for a while. my friends knew and they listened to my request to change tags, not refer to me as any previous nicknames and essentially not make it too obvious it was me. although i don’t think it was entirely impossible to tell. but now i miss all those things, i miss being stupid with my friends, i miss getting to call my best friend my wife on dash, i miss getting to miss astrology aims and mother nesi nesi, i miss the mutuals i used to have that i didn’t tell about the move because i was scared they were going to think i was stupid. i miss the url i kept going back to bc i loved it (possibly the most silly reason but still ukaishin holds a special place in my heart)

and it just doesn’t feel right. everyone has been so nice to me so far and it feels wrong knowing that wasn’t how echo ended, it makes me wonder what was wrong with me then that wasn’t now? but reality is, it’s nothing. shit happens, i needed time to get over a lot of things and it took time. even quite recently i had a terrible evening because of an old mutual. as in i had a mental breakdown because they added one stupid word to an ask that made me feel pathetic for sitting there the night before crying about how much i was missing them to aims.

getting called jinx in dms throws me off, i appreciate those that knew me first as echo using the new pseud, but it never took. it was never a name i was happy with (except for the first couple weeks on this blog) and im sorry for any confusion and having to switch pseuds again. i just don’t want to move blogs, i don’t want to have a whole thing i just want tumblr to be the happy place it was for me for almost 2 years. it got me through uni, being on here with the friends i’d made, i spend my final year of school in a constant mental breakdown, crying on the phone to my mum almost everyday and it was kaze that kept me going, motivating me to get my degree. it was kaze that flew to england to meet me and attend my graduation. it was aims that was the first person to reach out to me and give me the type of friendship i needed. it was everyone in our silly delululand server that made me laugh and reminded me that no matter how shit people were there were good ones. and it’s the good that’s made me feel better. and the good that makes me want to try one more time to maintain that happy place i had 2 years ago

that got too sappy but i refuse to edit <3

[cxfinny]

This is my first fan fic. I normally don’t write I only read. So if this is bad my apologies. I don’t like to express my love for the fandom but I do like writing stories so if you want more in the future or have any ideas lmk.

Love the hell out of you 

(based on the song by Lewis Capaldi)

summary: When Y/N has an abusive boyfriend named Josh, and Matt is her boy best friend who has feelings for her. he finally finds out about the abuse, and he comforts her and makes her realize that he is the right person for her and has been this whole time. 

TW: assault, slight sexual assault, aggression,  suggestive language 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Initially, Y/N and Josh seemed like the perfect happy couple. Then it started and at first, it was a slight smack. 

“Y/N, the eggs” he shouts grabbing the pan off the stove but realizing it was too hot and he drops it and swipes his hand right across Y/N’s face. 

Y/N’s pov 

I fell to the floor in pain. My ears ringing and the pain rushing through my face. I hear Josh trying to ask me if i’m okay. 

End Pov 

Josh was never the biggest fan of Matt. Matt was Y/N’s best friend and has been since middle school. Josh was alaways jealous of Matt but Y/N always told Josh that he was just friends. After the first smack, then it was Josh trying to have sex when she said “NO” repeatedly. One peticular night Y/N had enough and things got too much for her. Josh and her go into a fight that escilated from just a small smack. 

“I TOLD YOU TO GET RID OF HIS NUMBER AND STOP SPEAKING TO HIM AND YOU GOT LUNCH ARE YOU KIDDING ME” Josh shouts 

“Josh babe please i promise he is just my best friend nothing more” Y/N says 

“SHUT UP YOU STUPID BITCH” he says while starting to push her towards the wall 

Once Y/N was pushed up against the wall he started beating her and hitting her just for speaking to matt and she had enough. Once Josh left the room she ran out of the house crying and got in her car and sped over to matts house. 

After 15 minutes of driving she arrives. She runs to the front door and knocks and when Matt anwsers he is faced with the worst sight he’s ever seen. “Oh my god what the hell” Matt says before pulling her into my chest. “Y/N who did this to you? ” he asks while rubbing her back. Y/N sniffles and replies “Josh he.. he did this” Y/N says. 

Y/N’s pov 

“hes been doing this for months he got mad cause i was texting you and we went to lunch” I say bawling. “That mother fucker ill kill him” Matt says before adding “Sweet girl why didn’t you tell me this was going on” He asks. “I couldn’t Matt I didn’t want to scare you” I say. “im so sorry sweetheart” he says kissing your forehead. 

After about an hour of chatting about everything I ask “hey Matt can I um.. stay over”. “of course sweetheart you aren’t going anywhere” he says smiling. We get settled into bed and Matt is still holding me tightly scared to let me go. “Thank you Matt for taking care of me” I say before looking at him. “Of course sweetheart you mean the world to me and the fact that piece of shit put his hands on you makes my blood boil, you are my world Y/N” He says. “Can i ask you something?” i say smiling. “Of course whats up” he replies. “When we were kids did you ever see us being together in the future” I ask him worried for his response but before he even says anything I feel his lips crash onto mine. I immediatly kiss back. After a solid minute of kissing I pull away and he says “Ive loved you since I met you, but you were with that dirtbag Josh and I didn’t want to ruin that so I didn’t tell you but you are my entire life Y/N. I love you and im gonna love the hell out you for the rest of my life”. From that moment on I knew that Matt was the person I was truly meant to be with. 

[ilovemygfsmsworld]

confess?? Pfftttt…yes.

Being gwi-nams sister really sucks, you barely make any friends and literally everyone is scared of you expect your 2 besties, Eun-kyung and Ara!. They’ve been your best friends since kindergarten and your only friends..

You know a couple of gwi-Nam’s friend including Chang-hoon one of his main friends. You surprisingly hang out with him a lot knowing his rude and disrespectful behavior, he’s always rude and mean to everyone but you?.. he treats you like your his girlfriend always making sure your okay and touching you on your thighs and stuff.

—————————❤️————————————

“Girl! Just tell him!!” Ara says hanging on your shoulder and whining in your hear, she does this every day so there’s no reason why you should be paranoid about it

“But what if he says no? Or says I’m ugly??”

Ara completely ignores your words and you just sigh. “Oh oh! He’s over there! Go tell him!” Ara points directly at him you swat her hand away you see he’s with your brother

like always..you feel the cold breeze past you while your hair goes swings with the wind. “Ugh! You’re taking too long!” Ara complains your not really listening to her all your really doing is staring at Chang-hoon

“Ok! Fine I’m doing it” you say and look over at Ara and she lets go of your shoulder and throws up a big thumbs up. You walk over to him and gwi-nam rolls his eyes at you you see him open his mouth but his words don’t come out so he just closes his mouth and walk away “see you later dude” he says while walking away. “Hey, I just wanted to tell you something” you say leaning back and forth on your heels nervously

“What is it?” Chang hoon says as he shoves his hands in his jacket he notices you leaning on your heels but decides to say nothing. “So..I like you! It’s ok if you don’t like me back” you just spit it out and look over your shoulder to look at Ara you see she’s cheering you on jumping up and down and nodding.

“Don’t you have my number?” Chang hoon replies his tone seeming way more..nervous it’s like he likes you back and is maybe trying to act all nonchalant about it?? Nahh knowing Chang hoon he is NEVER nervous.

You nod and keep looking over your shoulder to look more at Ara to see if she left or is still trying to cheer for you.

“I’ll text you tonight” he says firmly before heading away from the school field the cold wind passes you again and you run back to Ara “ara! Ara! Ara!! He said he’ll text me tonighttt!” You say jumping on her shoulder you know she’s a little slow so she doesn’t understand things THAT fast.

“Wait for real?? I can’t believe i-“

Before ara can finish her sentence her phone buzzes and it’s her mom. When ara immediately picks up you jump at her mom’s voice as she starts yelling at ara through the phone “bye..” ara waves and starts walking away from you. You know there’s no point in waiting for gwi-nam so you just start walking home.

As soon as you got home you plopped on your bed and immediately went to your messages and saw Chang-hoon’s message

“I like you to”

Those four simple words made you smile immediately you keep giggling and rolling over on your bed and kicking your feet. You hear the door open and you see your brother.. gwi-nam he throws his bookbag at you and immediately goes inside of the cabinets and grabs a sandwich you made for yourself.

“Nammy!” You yell at him and start smiling again. Gwi nam looks over at you and raises his eyebrow “what.” He says with his mouth full of food “I’m dating chang-hoon!” You say knowing he would never care

“Ok?? Don’t tell me who you’re dating” he says and scoffs. You roll your eyes at his typical behavior and you walk back into your room.

Leaving you guys off with a rlly bad cliff hanger bc I don’t feel like writing anymore

AND IM SO SORRY IF THIS IS BAD THIS IS LIKE MY FIRST STORY IVE WRITTEN EVERY SINCE LIKE 2022😭

[enfieldtennisacademy]

i have spent the last two weeks in my childhood bedroom where i was molested and i have grown so manic depressive that i seriously believe i could peel my skin off like a boiled apple. "honor leave ur room go do something" okaaaay i will and then i immediately face the bridge troll of this overblown doublewide trailer... the patron saint of hebephilia who wants to be my bestttt frieeendddd even though ive made it so fucking clear i want nothing to do with him. i am truthfully waiting for him to die. make it past that hurtle and then get in my car with my suspended license and then drive around aimlessly because i do not know one person in this town. sometimes i get a canned water or melatonin from the store. and then i return home and get high or drink

got insanely fucked up a few days ago to escape the fucking evil that plagues this house and my walls but the whole time my mind just tallied up every single horrible thing that's happened in my life. i was so scared shaking and shit but my brain couldn't stop. it was like a powerpoint presentation and each slide was increasingly more intense and i cant even remember it now as i sit here to ""blog"" about it. i think sometimes i daywalk as someone who is very normal but then i consider how upside down my entire life has been since i was a little blonde child. like how do i just push this aside and do normal things like spin classes and road trips and a 9 to 5 when the basis of my bones are made out of horrible freak show occurances that not even my brain can remember? how am i supposed to make dinner for my husband and kids one day when this is how my brain and body functions? ill be standing at the stove pondering every single time i was torn to shreds and then have to face some cute fat kids and try and separate their world from that one. like i dont even know if theres a book to help with that......

like im not shy about how fucking tortured i am. my friends know exactly who i am and what has made me into the strange erratic doll they know and love to kick. i dont know how many times i'm going to cry to the point im hyperventilating and vomiting while people stare at me like a horse with a broken leg. eventually i will grow tired of being a strange facet ppl need to avoid eye contact with. or worse......... a spectacle to gossip about for 2.0 seconds over white gay male brunch. i wear my heart on my sleeve, which can be VERY embarrassing sometimes, but my life isnt a secret. everyone knows ive been preyed on and touched on and beat down. but i think ppl are so afraid of it being "AWKWARD" that they avoid me. they dont want me to start crying or for there to be a lull in the conversation because they dont know what to say in response to my batshit. so they have normal lives and they go to spin class and road trips and 9 to 5s while i get way way worse waiting for someone to rescue me. (rescue me: Be a friend). (Be a friend = chill w me. Be forgiving with my neuroticisms. Hang out and be normal to someone who doesn't get a whole lot of that. You know.)

anyway.......... i am an inchworm away from a total religion-fueled meltdown and turning to the church because i feel so hopeless and i feel like they will coddle me like a powdered little baby. i will at the very least take a text from a school buddy or a walk around the block w someone who hasn't tried to kill me or get me to do it myself. but until then i will continue sprinting on the treadmill and scrolling gaga daily and being haunted by my past until its seriously too much to bare. im gonna jump off the spring breakers bridge fr

[roseriot2191]

Entry 1/Introductions

hey!

so i really havent used tumblr before really so im not sure if this is the best place for what im doing but regardless im posting it here

~welcome to my blog~

the purpose is to document my life as a whole but its also my senior year so even more reason to record it!

this blog will be my safe space to spill anything, the good and the bad, of my upcoming life. in all honesty im not sure how well ill keep up with posts or how much effort ill end up putting into them but i will try to update at least once a week for sure.

ok so now onto me :)

hello again! im rose, i use he/they pronouns and i am 17. for anyone wonder, which i dont know why but i guess i can just state it to get it out of the way, im a cis queer guy. i use queer as my label because i very much dislike labels for myself lmao. im attracted to men way more often than not but if the right person for me isnt a guy the im not going to let gender/sex get in the way of love and im not sure pansexual really fits the way i feel. queerness ill say is a part of me but not something i identify with as much as i did in middle school. ill make a separate post about this perhaps. (ill mention that my name isnt actually rose irl and its just my pen name for the blog. i have no reason to be secretive really besides to hide my identity from friends, family and people who think they might know me, especially with the topics i might write about, but also i didnt put too much effort into disconnection rose and myself so if youre one of my irl friends, hi :p ) i am a high school student, but i am mostly taking college classes at a community college. im a photo major! photography is a recent thing that i started basically the same time i started college. i sorta took a leap into photo classes and decided that i might as well major in it since ive always been a creative person and since my high school was paying for my tuition. honestly college has been really fun but its school and sometimes i get burnt out really easily which sucks. ill probably talk about this more some other time. i havent really decided on a style of photography that i prefer yet but this fall ill start a portraiture lighting class as well as a color theory class, both im really excited for.

recently ive found myself changing or perhaps growing into a more typical "teenager" recently. this growth is a drastic change from who i was as a kid and that sort of scares me but i think i like the idea of who i can become. i started taking an interest in cars which sort of came out of know where. it might be because i got my license last december and have been driving a lot more but its also rooted in my ex too. (at the begging of this summer i got into a relationship with this guy who was my first everything, and we also ended it in july which hurt hella but again this is a topic for another post later) he was a total car guy and it was something we were bonding over. he would teach/talk about cars and i listened and started to take an actual interest. we went to a few car shows and it was honestly a prefect date/hangout for us because he liked cars of course but i also got to bring my camera and take photos. definitely something i miss doing. my first car was a 2004 honda pilot. it was a manual and i tried learning how to drive it and i got the gist but ended up selling it and getting an automatic 2006 honda pilot lol. this car ive had since february and its lowkey dying now which pisses me. my grandpa was the one who ended up buying it for me which i appreciate very much dont get me wrong but he bought it off these sketchy guys and didnt get it checked out right away for any problems and now im paying extra money in repairs. currently im trying to save for something more "extra" like a mustang or a bmw or honestly an older honda like a prelude or accord, though on my salary as a host in a small restaurant i have barely $4.5k saved and i started work about the same time i got the 06 pilot. i know these cars are a bit on the pricey side but im giving myself till new years to save for something and if i dont find anything by then, ill keep my money in savings for college after i graduate. (that is with the hopes my 06 pilot lasts me through that long :,) )

so yeah. i work as a host at a restaurant. its my first job and i honestly really like it. i get paid $16.50 an hour and i get tipped out by the waitresses on top of that. on average i make about $500 in a pay period which is two weeks. i wish i had more hours but also i dont. i usually use work as an excuse to procrastinate or completely ignore school work which is really self destructive because i convince myself that im productive but in reality i need to be more focused on school. my work ethic is pretty good though i think. i always say yes if someone needs a cover or if i need to come in ealry/on a day off. after the break up i took a bunch of extra shifts and started taking caterings for longer hours and to keep me busy. in the past 2 pay periods i clocked about 50 hours each and made $850 each. this has again been really nice for savings but not for my summer classes. this pay period i had a double catering and i should clock in about 40 ish hours. ill have one more pay period after this one before i will talk to my manager about scheduling me only friday-sunday and see about scheduling me caterings more rather than hosting since i make more that way. theyre pretty good about accommodating hours/days which is really cool but my manager always complains. i feel bad but also i really shouldnt because i need to do better in school first and i already do so much more than what i get paid for honestly so she really doesnt have any reason to say anything. (especially since we just hired 3 new girls after the summer hires left) all my coworkers love me but also everyone shit talks eachother behind their backs so i always wonder if they say anything about me lol. if they are then they should put that energy somewhere else because how are you guys gonna shit talk a 17 year old when you all are 25+???

my music taste is the opposite in regards to changing drastically. i find myself returning to the music i grew up with and even expanding with similar artists. for a quick family overview my step dad who raised me since i was three was/is a tattoo artist and very much in the punk scene. my mom was in the artistic performance and alternative scene. both these adults raised a very punk baby with all the classics and now like i said, after not really interested or listening to music often for awhile, im back to my roots. this is very comforting however when me and my ex were dating he was a big influence in the reintroduction. so do i corrilate some music to him? yes. does it hurt? im not sure. its very confusing but i listen to it on blast regardless and will most likely have hearing problems by the time im 30 T~T a lot of what ive been listening to on repeat is radiohead which was "our band" and i still think it is. im a very sentimental person and cant/wont diconnect these feelings probably ever. i do this a lot. this time though i havent had the urge to stop listening which is a reliefe because i enjoy the music but also because i think itd hurt me if i found hate or sadness in the music rather than the love and bond we once shared through these songs. something ive been considering is posting a song with every post or at the very least at the end of the week. maybe even a playlist at the end of the month? not sure yet. i think music tatse is something that changes with me all the time so its something worth recording here. oh also i def will post cd hauls here too! i have a small collection started but definetely wanna get more.

lets see i dont read often but my favorite books are alice in wonderland, the warden's daughter, they both die at the end, coraline and currently i am reading solitaire by alice oseman. ive read her heartstopper series and have taken a serious interest in tori's story. for my favorite shows i binge watch shows so often and then forget about them just as fast as i watch them lol. i really like soul eater, downtown, daria, the midnight gospel, the walking dead, initial d, madoka magica, and some others i cant think of right now.

hmm~ i cant really think about anything else to write at the moment, plus ive been typing for awhile and should get to bed, so i think ill end it here.

i dont really expect anyone to read this blog in all honesty but its something i wanna do for myself and if a few people take interest or relate to anything i talk about i think thats enough :)

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

hi rachel, ive been inconsistently writing since i was 12 and during the pandemic i started writing again and loved it, niow im geting a BA in creative writing and since ive been in college i dont want to write. im scared it isnt something i truly enjoy anymore. I like what i'm learning but trying to apply it makes me very overwhelmed. its like its too much for me :( any advice? have you experienced this before?

Hi friend! My first and largest piece of advice (super emphasized) is to talk to a trusted adult in your life and ALSO an academic advisor. I want to make that abundantly clear because I don't personally know you and don't want anything I say to steer you in a certain direction!

I completely get this and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! This happened to me a bit and I know it's happened to a LOTTTT of people. The best things I did to help: bring pre-written work into class (ask before you do this to make sure it's okay), prep work for class (also ask before doing this), work on my own perfectionism/fear of failure, and write a personal side project where I could let loose and have fun (that was Moth Work & Feeding Habits for years 1-2 & Seventh Virtue for the last 1.5 years of my degree).

I don't think I would've survived my degree if I didn't have most of my work pre-written before workshop (I ALWAYS asked before doing this--some schools might have policies etc so I asked to be on the safe side). I think I only drafted 5 brand new stories for my degree (out of the 12). 1 was an adaptation from a Seventh Virtue chapter, so I had to write a LOT of new stuff but had a direction, 1 I had written 6 months in advance specifically for that workshop, 1 was written on a whim, and the last 2 I had to draft for the class since we weren't allowed to use pre-established material. Everything else I had written on my own personal time. This helped ease my own anxiety, so if it's possible, check in with your prof to see if you can do this!

A final note: you absolutely don't need to apply everything you learn into a story for class. Just write the best story you can write in that moment! If you can, try to set aside what you've been taught to be "the correct way" especially in a first draft. Getting wrapped up in how people would perceive my craft made workshopping so anxiety inducing. It's okay to be imperfect! Everyone is there to learn!

As for your fear of enjoyment: I know this too well. :( In Nov 2021 I considered quitting writing altogether, I just didn't care anymore (that was after SEVEN years of consistently writing!). Seventh Virtue is what yanked me out of that! Having a story I could just mess around with after class (sometimes... during class... many... times...) REALLY helped. I may or may not have written a good chunk of Moth Work in a sociology class (I'M NOT RECOMMENDING THIS). What I'm saying is make time for your OWN writing (outside of school).

Sometimes it takes a little time and adjustment--it's absolutely normal! Many of my classmates felt like this too! You're not alone!

[digital33diary]

lately everything has been so out of place i feel like the world is changing around me way way too fast

i don’t know if anyone is gonna see this or read this but i’m just gonna put it out there

i’m in high school, and when it started i ended things with my bsf. i always try to convince myself it was for the better, and if im being honest it probably was, but a part of me will always want to love her and forgive her. we haven’t talked in months

i’ve been hanging out with my friend i’ve had since like 2014 and a bunch of other friends i’ve had for years. some new that i met in high school, some old ones from elementary or middle school, but overall people i feel comfortable with. lately, however, stuff between everyone isn’t going so great. not that it all directly involves me, but since they are my friends too we all kinda get affected, which does suck. i try not to, but it has lead to picking sides and i want to be friendly with the person my oldest friend has unfriended. it’s hard, and she comes to me about how our friends don’t respect her for hanging out with the person she dislikes, so i feel like i have to take her side since she feels comfortable telling me. but at the same time, it’s also unfair to try to control if they hang out with her or not, bc well that’s just not how it works. i get where she’s coming from though, i do, and i want to be there for her.

all my friends like to come to me with stuff about our other friends and i get caught up in lies and my feelings get hurt sometimes too when stuff gets back to me, and other things like that. i get it, its highschool, its a large group of very different people, so this stuff is gonna happen. its our age, its the type of people we are, and i love them all so much, but the only friend i have no complaints about lives across the country.

yes, she’s an online friend, but we call and text every day. i share everything with her, and she does the same. she’s like my other half and we’ve been talking since last summer. this summer, she’s coming to visit me and come to my city and i’m so excited to meet her. she’s the love of my life, my bestest friend who gets me like no other.

sometimes i wish i was there with her. her school is a 1928193 times better than my shitty little school, and people who live there have different, more similar interests to mine. i just want to move there and restart my life not knowing a single person but my favourite one. but this is only a dream, and i believe that it is for a reason.

i’m glad i have her, and i’m glad i have my friends. i really do love them, and i try to make the best out of the social aspect of high school but this week has got to be one of the worst in my school career.

i won’t discuss what happened but it has ended with me having multiple trips to the office, being pulled out of class, and pulled out of the washroom. i got two detentions, and i can’t say that happens often. the situation was really bad and i will admit it could’ve been avoided had i not said anything in the first place. i know i deserve the detentions and im okay with that. but the effect this had on my mental health was really draining. i was anxious all the time thinking i would get called down, and i watched people get called down because of me. all me. even my friends got affected and it makes me sick. i wish this never happened but im telling myself i learned a lesson. i’ve cried too much to cry anymore and regretted so much im scared to do anything anymore.

i’m not a bad kid, i don’t think. maybe not the best, and my decisions aren’t the greatest but i think my heart is in the right place. i’ve done some stuff i regret that i dont want to talk about, but i think im a good person. i set boundaries, apologize when i need to, and i know when im wrong. the experience i had in the office and in detention was not what im used to. yeah, i skip class with my friends, way too many times a week to be proud of, i forget to do work, ive said things i shouldn’t, but i know im not perfect. teachers don’t really like me sometimes and i get why.

maybe people judge my appearance? too many piercings? too much eyeliner? messy shorter hair? but that doesn’t make sense… people have always told me an ear with five piercings and a nose ring makes me look a certain way. people have said gay, people have said i’m attracting the wrong attention, but my friends say it’s cute and for that, i love them. i don’t know why people judge so much off of stuff like that. they don’t even know me…

to some people i’m known as the girl who likes kpop, the girl who dated that one guy, the girl who doesn’t really fit in anywhere. but to others im known as a good friend, daughter, student (as far as grades go) and just a good person too.

i don’t want people to think i’m cold or that i don’t care, because i do. but i’ve been through so much in my short life that these things affect how i act in my daily life. and im sorry for it always.

sometimes i think i deserve the punishments i get, the words behind my back, the comments from random guys i don’t even know. but does anyone really?

i hope next week is better. there’s 25 days, 6 hours, and 4 minutes until my last exam. can i make it?

i don’t cope with these things well. i cope in bad ways. and i don’t want to ask for help because i don’t want anyone to know.

so i’m trying to talk to you guys on tumblr instead. i’m gonna try to be better, be a better person to others, but also myself. it’s my first life, my first time being a teenage girl, and the first time trying to survive in a world of people who don’t know what it’s like to be me.

love you all, don’t live like this