#just gotta solidify some design and relationship stuff

[nellandvoid]

irene crawford aka babylon

i was possessed and made a thunderbolts oc hopefully more doodles and backstory stuff soon (if burnout doesn’t take me out again lol)

[wundrousarts]

I would love to see Lam in your style!!

Ask and ye shall receive 🤝

I like the idea of her having glasses, to fit her Oracle knack, but they’re fake, to fit the idea of her sort of being in disguise/hiding :) Giving Nevermoor characters glasses is a great hobby of mine lol

[d3lph1n1um]

I totally forgot to go back to my little tangent about Dylan and Rudy in my last post, but it was already so long so I'm gonna do it here instead. Info under cut.

Like I said before, Rudy and Dylan's relationship furthers because they hand out more with each other than Hayden and Dimitri and Ronnie get to because they're not 'of age' yet (they're 19 or 20, not 12). At first they just become really really close friends, like 'can you buy me pads and come deliver them?' and 'yeah sure, light or heavy?' besties. However, Rudy is a guy for the beginning part of the story [like the first year-ish, year and a half]. They eventually start transition but not before confessing to Dylan, under the pretense (I think that's the right word) that they're not expecting her to feel anything back, they know she's a lesbian, they aren't trying to make her uncomfortable they just wanted her to know because they wanted her to have the chance to set clearer boundaries if she felt they were needing. Thing is, Dylan knows. Like, Dylan knows that Rudy is at least somewhat not cis quite a while before Rudy figures it out. But Dylan knows that she's gotta let them figure it out on their own. Like once they get the inkling she can start introducing them to some people, getting them some insight, stuff like that.

Ensue angst-y shit, after Rudy finally realizes, brings it up to the group (minus Dylan) and doesn't tell Dylan because she's scared that Dylan will think it's just because Rudy has a crush on her and so she's becoming a girl to land a date (this is a completely irrational fear, but a fear Rudy has nonetheless.)

Eventually Dylan kinda figures it out (she already knew but she realized the rest of the group knows because they always give Rudy these like, apologetic looks when they have to say 'he' when Dylan is around.) Dylan waits a little bit, up on advice from her Mother and Father, (her dad's sister is trans mtf so he kinda understands the 'knowing but not really sure if they've told anyone bit') who both told her to wait it out for a little while, because they were so close, maybe 'Rudy's worried about losing a close friend because of this, so they're working up the courage to say something'.

Eventually, Dylan gets tired of waiting, but doesn't want to be an ass, so she waits until Dylan stops by the bar, so it's just the two of them and not the group, and she carefully brings it up.

Rudy immediately burst into tears (she's a little tipsy already, maybe the 'relaxing drinks' had been a bad idea on Dylan's part.) Dylan explains that she gets it, pulling the 'i get it- I mean as much as I can from an outside perspective- you know, like I'm not saying I get it- get it- but like, fuck it, you know what I mean Rudy.'

Anyways, they kinda settle into this lull of 'friends but kinda more than that' and eventually they talk it out, and Dylan explains that she loves Rudy, girl or not (to relieve any anxiety Rudy may have if she goes through with transitioning and then things change down the line) and that no matter what she would love her. She also, kinda off handedly mentions that she sorta knew from like the first week they met (she's got that accurate af 'dar)

Anyway, yeah they end up happy girlkissers for the rest of their days.

I'm still a little up in the air about Rudy's design, so I haven't solidified a canon sexuality for her at any point in time in the story, before transition or not. I'm kinda thinking bisexual but idk yet. I do think she'll be asexual, sex averse, because I've noticed that trans women are sexualized a lot and I don't want my girl to go through that (she'll have enough trauma by the end of the story as it is) but that may change if people think it's offensive to make her like that (y'know, like not having her experience a like 'canon event' or something idk).

I also like the idea of her being asexual because I'm asexual too (for two reasons) but one of them is just that sex is like gross and I can't imagine having it with the body I have rn, and I wanted to kinda project that onto her (idk if that's a feeling u trans girlies get too but if you do, I'd love for that to be some representation of how you feel as well, cus we're a community and it ain't all about my tmasc ass)

I think that's all I have to say for now about them, I forgot something else in Dylan's post but by the time I finished this I forgot what it was 😔.

Again, I did my best to avoid any harmful stereotypes or tropes, but if you find any of these to be those two things, please tell me, I always welcome constructive criticism and knowledge!

Also, please note that I used they/them to refer to Rudy until mentioning the bit about her being transgender and transitioning, in any other notes I make about her I will use he/him to refer to her earlier timeline design and she/her for everything else. This is not at all an attempt to be harmful, I use this to help people understand what point in time of the story I'm talking about. It is also how I refer to myself as a transgender person when talking about before I realized. If you guys send in asks you can use either if you're wanting to ask about her at a specific point in the story. If you're just asking a random question, or one that's not timeline related, please use She/Her for her; [Ex: 'what's Rudy's favorite type of ice cream?', does she like the color blue or red more?', etc] If you see something you'd like to educate me on, please stick to that same rule and use She/Her for her as that would be her canonical pronouns if she were real in this time line.

Alrighty that's all I have to share, until next time!

[petri808]

G1+Hakyona Angel/Demon @firiare & @bmarvels

Humans have always thought themselves above other creatures even though they were merely just another species like the rest in nature. In the beginning, those with power or abilities fought against humans, but eventually gave up. They realized it was a pointless endeavor, so for the last 200,000 years, they used their magic to fade into human societies, and the ancient myths became nothing more than fairytales. Contrary to what the human societies had conjured up about ‘mythical’ creatures, the truth behind many of the stories were just that, story’s. Tales designed around them to serve a human’s purpose. A scary demon to frighten peasant subjects into submission or an angelic fairy to soothe away the fears in their hearts and offer salvation.

Life wasn’t always easy for any creature on Earth. One must learn to adapt and change, fit in and move forward. But it could be doubly difficult for a mythic creature trying to blend amongst the humans. Over time, most had developed societies within the human civilizations to watch out for their own, or gathering places where they could be their true selves. Forged bonds were also common between creatures and humans who’s loyalty were not in question. It was all meant to protect both sides, for wherever there is room for fear or misunderstanding, problems are unavoidable. Could one imagine a human being brought up to believe a demon is evil, not freaking out if suddenly they’re bf/gf said surprise, I have horns— probably wouldn’t go over well.

Hak new this well enough, he was a half demon after all. Mother was a demon and father a human who’d served in the military. But if this existence didn’t already come with struggle, his mother died during childbirth, and father during an overseas war when Hak was 4 years old. Luckily for him, a close family friend adopted him knowing full well the family’s genealogy. It was an older gentleman with no children of his own. Mundock, or grandpa Mundock raised him to blend into society. Hak turned into a very smart, athletic, capable young man who after college made a modest living working at a shipping company owned by another demon. It was a comfortable, albeit lonely life, because Hak shied away from romantic relationships.

Not that the ‘tall, dark, and handsome,’ stereotypical male couldn’t get a date if wanted to. Instead, he was afraid of falling in love only to have his heart broken if they couldn’t accept what he truly was. But his best friend Jaeha, a dragon in human form, was the opposite of Hak in many ways. Where he was quiet and naively sarcastic, Jaeha was extroverted and flirty. The man constantly tried to set him up with women. Come on, the man would admonish, let’s do a double and have some fun!

“No! No! What part of no, don’t you understand?!” Hak growled at his friend. “I’m not interested.”

“Pfft, boring grumpy ass...” Jaeha walked away from the couch where Hak was lounging with a video game. The conniving man then noticed Hak’s phone sitting on the kitchen island. Fine, he grinned to himself. ‘Time to take matters into my own hands.’

Jaeha opened the phone easily since he knew his friends password, and downloaded a popular dating app. While Hak was too engrossed in his game, he set about creating the perfect profile to lure in the women. Frankly, it wasn’t very hard. One hot profile picture, check. Bio info, stays in shape, works at a shipping company, hobbies include soccer and martial arts. Looking for, monogamous relationship with a sweet, friendly girl who is open minded. Click, send. Within minutes, the app’s inbox was receiving hits. Jaeha happily screened through them, looking for the right girl he was sure Hak would find difficult to say no to. Because despite his friend’s, ‘I don’t wanna date,’ attitude, he knew what Hak’s type was and that he was lonely.

He scrolled through profile after profile of the women messaging Hak looking at their bio’s. They ran the gamut of types, and not just in looks but demeanor from shy to scandalous. Many were obviously just interested in Hak’s appearance, and after close to 50 profiles, even Jaeha was starting to wonder if this was worth the effort.

That’s when he saw her... A pretty, fiery red head with purple eyes who’s effervescent skin and soft, innocent eyes just pulled you in. Her appearance may have caught Jaeha’s attention, but it was really her bio that solidified it. College educated, works as a primary school teacher, with a love of fantasy arts and stories. Oh, she is perfect!

Jaeha checks to make sure Hak is still focused on his game, then sends off a message to the woman.

‘Nice to meet you Yona. I noticed you’re into fantasy stuff, that’s pretty cool.’

‘Hello, nice to meet you too, Hak. Yeah, I find mythical creatures to be fascinating, so I’m always watching out for nice art or good fiction books about them.’

Jaeha grinned at the message. So far, so good. ‘It’s nice to meet someone who appreciates such things. I’ve done a little research on dragons and demons too.’

‘Really? Why demons?’

‘I think they get a bad rap in the old stories.’

‘Lol. You might be right... I don’t think angels are saints either.’

“Wow...” Jaeha mumbled out loud.

“Wow, what?” Hak looked up, questioning his friend.

Shit! “Oh, nothing. I just noticed you killed that opponent is all.”

“Oh,” Hak’s brow raised in suspicion, but he opted to go back to his game.

Jaeha breathed a sigh of relief. He would have to tell his friend the truth, but not yet. Time to go in for the kill.

‘Yona, would you do me the honor and go out on a date with me? I’d really love to get to know you more. How about this Saturday for dinner, restaurant of your choice, my treat.’

Several minutes pass by, but finally she responded. ‘Okay. Merrimans restaurant on Kilauea avenue at 6pm. Make sure to call in a reservation.’

‘Will do. See you then. Have a great rest of your day, Yona.’

‘Nice meeting you too, Hak.’

Jaeha grinned wide and walked over standing in front of his friend. “Hak, buddy, I gotta tell ya something, so turn that stupid game off!”

“No! So move your ass outta my way!”

“I got you a date.” Jaeha held the phone at arms length with the picture of Yona on the screen for Hak to see it. “Saturday, 6pm.”

“You did what?!” Hak stood up and grabbed his phone from the man’s hand, his blue eyes turning red in anger. “I told you, I’m not going out on a date!”

“Fine.” Jaeha crossed his arms over his chest, but a smug, unperturbed look still on his face. “Then you can be the bad guy and turn her down. Go ahead Hak, be the mean guy who breaks her heart.”

“You son-of-a!”

“Just look at her Hak. She’s pretty, she’s smart, and— she’s into creatures! She’s perfect for you! I’m tired of watching you moping around our apartment, you need a damn girlfriend.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“No, I’m your awesome wingman.” Jaeha winked and started to walk away. “Don’t forget to make the reservations. Details in the chat.”

“Fucking prick!” Hak groaned and plopped back onto the couch with a thud. His friend got him good this time, because he knew Hak didn’t have it in him to be mean to a girl. So, begrudgingly he started reading the woman’s profile.

Yona. ‘She’s tiny...’ okay, so, she is very attractive... and her comments about angels and demons catches his attention. No wonder Jaeha liked this one. But Hak wasn’t getting his hopes up, because finding them fascinating is still not the same as how someone would react if one were standing right in front of them. ‘Merrimans,’ at least she had good taste. He calls and sets up the reservation. “Ugh, this better turn out okay,” Hak yelled out loud enough for his roommate to hear it. “Or I’m kicking your ass dragon!”

It was four days until the fateful dinner date and he’d be fooling himself to say he wasn’t nervous, anxious to see if this girl could really be different from all the others, yet realistic that it may not turn out that way. Hak went about his work days like normal, never showing his co-workers or delivery customers anything beyond a mask of invincibility. He prided himself on never losing his cool, a behavior he’d maybe inherited from his military father. Even though inside he was a mess. Ugh! This is exactly why he avoided this area of the heart! Because in that way he was more like his mother according to gramps. His mom was a tough demon with a heart of gold who hated the idea of hurting anyone. Hak too didn’t like to let anyone down, and his respect for women came from stories about her.

What if this Yona woman liked him back but couldn’t accept his true identity? He’d break both their hearts. Maybe it would be best to let her down gently right from the beginning? This and more Hak pondered during those four days, his mind constantly calculating the options and odds. So that by Saturday morning his decision was made, right or wrong. He’ll go through with the date, but make it clear he’s not interested. Yes! That’s what he’ll do. Shield them both from future misery. Yona’s a beautiful woman, she’ll find someone better.

“Hi,” Hak stood before the hostess stand. “I have a 6pm reservation under...”

“Hak?”

A tiny female voice behind him sent a shiver right up his spine. Hak whipped around at his name, a surging sense of power titillating the nerve cells of his skin. “Yona?” The woman exuded something he’d never encountered before.

“Hello,” the woman smiled. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Y-Yeah,” cheeks heating up, “it’s nice to meet you too. Um,” he turned back to the hostess still flustered and mind racing, “Hak, reservation for two.”

“Welcome to Merriman’s,” the hostess responded. “Please, right this way,” she gestured for the pair to follow.

Hak stepped aside and motioned for Yona to go first, then followed behind. Clearly this woman was not human, but what she was, he wasn’t sure of. Her energy was bright, soothing, and so inviting that it almost overruled his own thoughts. Was she a succubus?! What little he knew of them came from the stories, how they lured men in with their beguiling natures. Hak shook his head of those thoughts before they could be seated. Yona only came up to his chest she was so tiny, so that the idea of her being a strong demon was hard to grasp. Well, whatever she was, this date wasn’t going to be as easy to get through as he’d hoped.

The air between them was expectedly nervous. Hak couldn’t tell if Yona had figured out his nature yet, and she sure wasn’t behaving like it. To anyone around them, they simply appeared as a couple on a quiet dinner date. He did his best to stay engaged, though she initiated most of the conversations. They talked about things Hak assumed any pair would when trying to get to know each other. Family, friends, interests, but nothing overly reaching and he definitely didn’t want to just bluntly ask about creatures, not in a restaurant where they were surrounded by humans.

She was everything her dating profile had made her appear to be and more, and he felt himself being pulled in. It created a growing dilemma as the night wore on, and Hak found it more and more difficult to stick to his original plan. By the dessert round, he knew he needed to make a decision, so screw it, he’ll ask the question that could get him immediate answers.

As soon as they exit the restaurant, where no one was around, Hak launched into his question. “I’m gonna be straight with you Yona. It was actually my roommate who set this all up, not me because he thinks I need a girlfriend. A-And I’m not saying it wouldn’t be nice, but there’s things about me that—”

Yona placed a finger on his lips to hush him. “Not here. Someone might hear us.” She then took his hand, “there’s somewhere safer we can talk.”

“O-Okay...” Hak blushed both from her commandingly gentle reaction and her hand in his!! He followed quietly as she led them just a few storefronts away to another business, giving up total control like a putty in her hands. If Jaeha saw them, Hak wouldn’t hear the end of it. How the mighty demon Hak was subdued by a tiny woman...

The business itself was nothing special, just a bar from the outside. But then Yona continued inside towards the back, stopping in front of a wall. Hak watched in awe as she muttered a few words in another language and suddenly a door appeared. They went through it and that’s when Hak realized they were still in the bar, just a section reserved for creatures!

After moving them to the side, Yona turned around and giggled. “Let me see the real you, Hak,” she spoke as she dropped her own glamor and white feathery wings suddenly appeared from her back along with a yellow effervescent glow on her skin.

His eyes flashed wide in shock, but he complied with her request. Hak turned off his glamor to reveal two short, pointed black horns on his head, a long black leathery tail, and talons on his fingers.

“You’re a demon” She verified.

“And you’re an angel,” Hak breathed out. “Now I understand that comment from the chat.”

She nodded. “But I have a confession as well,” Yona confided. “I already knew you’re a demon because your friend Jaeha contacted me a couple of days ago suspicious of my remark.” She chuckled, “he really looks out for you, I hope you know he cares.”

“He’s a pain in the ass,” Hak grumbled, “but yeah, that’s why he’s also my best friend.”

“Well?” Yona placed a hand on her hip in a cocky pose. “What do you think? I know I like what I see, but what about you?”

Hak snorted a laugh. An angel... who’s not a saint, huh? This woman was intriguing for sure. “Alright, angel. You’ve got my attention.”

The sound of clapping, and a slap on his back, caused Hak to spin around, swinging at the offender. But what he found instead was his green-scaled dragon roommate.

“Whoa!” Jaeha caught Hak’s fist. “I’m just here to congratulate you buddy.”

“Damn it, slanty eyes!” Hak counter punched the man in his chest. “But... thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Jaeha laughed, “now come on!” He gathered the couple one of each side of him, and pulled them towards the dance floor. “Time to celebrate my buddy’s finally got a girlfriend!”

“I swear to hell I’m gonna kill you Dragon!”

[glacierbash]

ok, now i gotta ask you about some characters. how about leliana and/or junia?

Aha... Nuns /j But starting with Lelianaaaaa

(under a read more because it got LONG specifically my points on Junia because holy fuck she makes me go feral I could talk about her for AGES oh my god)

How I feel about this character: Oh she's definitely one of, if not my favorite character. Though I played inquisition first and didn't have as much of a chance to get invested in her with my first playthrough (though I abandonded it because I messed up lots of stuff-) after I played again, she became one of my favorites in Inquisition. I adored the way she was open about supporting the mages, and after playing through origins, it really solidified my feelings about her. I played through Origins romancing her (because i am a stupid lesbian) and honestly, the way you were able to educate her about elven issues (i forget if it was dalish or not, and I haven't done a Surana playthrough yet) and the fact that she was receptive was mwah. Plus, her voice is amazing and I could fall asleep to it :') I Care Her

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Any ocs really! Surprisingly, I don't put too much thought into ships with DA, but really I like most!

My non-romantic OTP for this character: of course josephine and Leliana, I adore how they get along and just. Good Friends. I also have a new Tabris in mind who would probably romance Zevran, and while I don't have *much* in the way of ideas, I think they'd get along dfjdffd

My unpopular opinion about this character: Oh, I don't know what opinions about Leliana *are* unpopular. I try to stay away from the DA fandom, save for little bits here and there. I don't think I particularly *have* any? I mean, I do go for hardening in origins, softening in inquisition, but that's just me.

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: Yeah, being able to marry the warden (if possible) and telling Cullen off. There are just... *so* many situations where I wish she would, but specifically about mage issues.

And now for Junia,,, How I feel about this character: DFHSDFJGMGAOUGH.... GOD I love her with all my heart there are not enough words for me to describe how much i love this stupid little battle nun oh my god, her barks make me sob, her design is Cool, and god even just in game there have been so many times where she's saved my ass MWAH i love her. Her backstory just makes me cry, and everytime i'm like "i'm feeling too good i need to be knocked down a notch" i go read her barks and sob UGH. God I love her so much I almost always have her on a party like. If not for her healing it's because seeing her makes me go :]]]

All the people I ship romantically with this character: PARA... PLAGUE DOCTOR... THEY CAN HOLD HANDS. AS A TREAT. PERHAPS EVEN.. KISS.. I don't even know why I ended up loving this one so much i was just like. doing the first dungeon with the usual suspects and I just went "wow :)" and started thinking about them and BOOM they're in love now sorry <3 besides that, I also enjoy her with Boudica, Damian, THOUGH I do like Audrey/Para/Junia. They all have two hands. It works out. A circle, you see.

My non romantic OTP for this character: Oughhhh this is a weird one, but her and Audrey. At least with the way I like to write the characters, Audrey being able to help Junia just loosen up and realize "hey we're all gonna fucking die here at least have a bit of fun you Idiot" and Junia helping Audrey uhh ya know not be such an ass. My other weird little thing is Baldwin and Junia, as I just. I really don't have a reason why, other than I feel they might get along and Junia would probably enjoy being friends with somebody she can. I dunno. Rely on. I could go more into that but ijust like them getting along

My unpopular opinion about this character: hngngng I might have several? 1: I don't. really enjoy her with Reynauld, but *honestly* that's because I don't like Reynauld too much as a character? He's interesting, don't get me wrong, but I'm not super invested in him and I really just kinda... pass him by. And of course that's weird bc I'm fine with her and Damian, but I just feel that relationship would have a bit more. I really don't know. Substance? It's just not my cup of tea. And also I don't LOOOVE the "oh haha horny nun" jokes, like. Of course they're fine to make! And of course, being the game it is, characters will most likely be reduced down to a character trait or two, but it's just. Tired? Worn out? There's more to her than the fact that just that. But also, I make those jokes too! Just feel like that shouldn't be her entire personality. Make the jokes you wanna make and maybe i'm just too sensitive, idk! there's just a bit more to her than Horny:tm:

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: * shakes tin can * lore? Spare lore please? I don't want to have to comb her barks for just a smidge of understanding I want to KNOW what happened to her please just spare the loreee,, and also I WISH we could've had specific in character conversationsss like. I wanna hear her and paracelsus interact! God, I wanna see her and /Audrey/ interact, please redhook come on im begging you i just want them to talk even if they don't get along it won't do anything enemies to friends (to lovers) come here i'll s rank their relationshiips i'll d

[nancythebisexualslutwheeler]

5 Times Richie Wouldn’t Let Eddie See Him and the 1 Time He Did

This is part 2 to this ask. Enjoy! Xx T

1. So eventually the losers are allowed to visit Richie. But the second Eddie steps into the room, sheepish and last, Richie is screaming at him to get out. He doesn’t listen to what anyone has to say about the situation. There’s not much small talk to be made, but if not before this, their bond is solidified and everyone gives him as best of a hug as they can and more or less, tell him that they’re happy he’s alive.

2. The next time he sees Eddie is when his nurse pokes her head in,

“Honey, your friend has been out here quite awhile.”

“I’m not up for company.”

He can feel Eddie’s brown eyes on him.

“Richie,” and there’s so much in that one word. In his name. There’s twenty seven years between them.

“Go home.”

Bev shows up with a store bought cake. She explained to him that she never could bake. It’s funny how it made sense, even though he hadn’t seen her in all of these years.

“Are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?”

“The fact that I never sat around and talked boys with you?” He asks with a grin.

“No, you absolute idiot. Eddie? Our Eddie?”

“I just remembered five minutes ago.”

“Richie.”

“What? It’s a non issue.”

“Non issue? He’s been out there everyday. All day.”

“How do you know Beverly? Oh yes, because you’re here every day too. Like a good old friend.”

She snorts,

“Friend? Richie,”

“Don’t. Please don’t.”

“I don’t know what type of repressed shit-“

“Bev,” Richie chokes, tears springing to his eyes, “please don’t.”

Bev pats his hand,

“Okay honey. Okay.”

3. The next time he sees Eddie is when he wakes up. It’s early. Too early. Probably around six. He’s switching out the flowers on Richie’s bedside table. He didn’t realize someone needed to do that. He didn’t realize the flowers were always fresh. Of course it would be Eddie.

Eddie’s standing there, sheepish, hair not even bothered to be slicked back, looking disheveled as all hell. His facial hair is growing and Richie doesn’t think he’d be able to handle him in a full beard. He’s wearing a sweatshirt and track pants. He looks incredibly guilty,

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have,” he starts but cuts himself off when he realizes that Richie isn’t shouting at him.

“It’s fine,” Richie grunts out.

“I’ll just,” he points to the door.

Richie hesitates. He wants Eddie to come closer. He wants to see him. He wants him to say something.

“Can you get me a glass of water?” Richie asks slowly.

He doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing. Doesn’t know what he’s going to say when Eddie brings him his water. What he’s going to do. If he’s going to offer Eddie to sit or-

He’s pulled out of his obsessive thoughts,

“Of course. Of course let me just,” and Eddie rushes out of the room.

Richie hasn’t shut up in 42 years. He knows how to talk. He knows how to talk to Eddie too. Eddie was his best friend, for years. But now, Eddie knows he has a crush on him.

He wants to snort at the thought, a crush, yeah right. He may have had a crush on Eddie when they were ten. But now, now he’s a grown ass man with grown ass feelings about... well, another man.

If he wasn’t a pussy, if he, well if he’d thought about his feelings for Eddie. Processed them like an adult. But when was there time for that? Between near death situations?

By the time Eddie gets back with a glass of water, he’s worked himself into a panic. His hand is shaking when he reaches out to grab the glass and as the back of their hands slide together, he yelps,

“Get out. Get out.”

“Rich, man,”

“Get out!”

And Eddie just gives him a sad smile and walks out. Somehow the little paper hospital cup has a slice of lemon in it and Richie throws it against the wall. He’s fucked.

4. He can feel her presence before she even walks in the door. His sister Sarah is a force to be reckoned with. He hates her because she got all the attractive genes, leaving Richie with fuck all.

She sashays into the room. What are probably designer sunglasses on her head, holding back her wildly curly hair. She has piercing green eyes and she’s tall and thin with a Louis Vuitton bag over her shoulder and a basket of what looks like utter shit in her hands.

“Richie, you almost fucking died on me!” She shouts, throwing her stuff into the nearest arm chair. She’s wearing an olive green pea coat over a black sweater, jeans and a pair of high heeled gray booties.

Sarah is. What is Sarah. She’s a fashion designer. For lack of a better word. She’s not exactly sewing the clothes tooth and nail like high school anymore, nor has Richie seen her with a sketch book recently. The point is she’s rich, and fun and relatable and literally ended up on the Top Bachelors/Bachelorettes List of 2017. It drives Richie crazy. He’s the actually famous one dammit. And he hadn’t even made the cut. It kills him the way Sarah charms her way through interviews. Shit, she gets papped more than him it feels sometimes. Suddenly, all that charm is on him and she crosses the room to throw her arms around him.

She feels like home, and smells like Bath and Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar since she has since she was thirteen and Sarah. The Sarah Tozier is crying into his shoulder.

“I love you Richie. Stop trying to be a hero all the fucking time.”

“A hero?” He asks, slightly confused.

“Yes,” she hisses, “there’s no way you own anything valuable enough to fight off a mugger for.”

He splutters,

“Is this face not valuable Sarah?!” He asks dramatically.

She rolls her eyes,

“Shut up Rich. I’m serious. What the fuck were you thinking? Look at you!”

“What? I’ve never been better,” he grits out.

“Never been better?! Fuck off with the jokes, we’re not seventeen! Never better? Concussion, punctured lung, this fucking cut on your face! Broken ribs. Sprained ankle. Richie, you’re tore the fuck up.” She says, sliding next to him in the bed.

Richie sits in silence, feeling throughly scolded.

“They have coffee here?”

“It’s shitty.”

She nods,

“Aren’t you like some huge celebrity now? Couldn’t you have sprung for a nicer place?”

He knows she’s gotten it off her chest, is less mad now and more concerned, so he slides back into bickering with her,

“First of all, I’m pretty sure no hospital has a fucking Starbucks adjoining the lobby. And second, your taste is about as putrid as that color coat.”

Her jaw drops,

“Take that back!”

“Never!”

“I’m gonna beat your ass when you’re put back together. There’s no way you of all people are insulting the way I dress.”

“I did and I am my beautiful sister.”

“Alright, turn on this damn tv because I’ve heard enough of your mouth already.”

“Your words wound me.”

“They should. I’ve been here like ten minutes.”

There’s a lull in conversation as he turns easily to where he knows Dr.Phil will be on.

“Speaking of which-“

“Here we go.” He starts.

“I know that I did not see that little cutie Eddie fucking Kaspbrak outside!” She all but squeals.

Before Sarah ended up fucking hating them like older sister’s do, back in the day, she had fucking loved them. In fact, Sarah was a big reason that Richie even started thinking about Eddie that way. She was always pushing them together. Not even like that, but in a way that grouped them all up. Bill and Bev. Stan and Mike and Ben. And Eddie and Richie. Eddie and Richie.

“He’s not cute. He’s a grown ass man.”

“I didn’t ask you if he was cute.” She looks him over once. “So a reunion?” She asks. 

Very pointedly, Instead of asking “Is there something you need to tell me?”

“Um yeah. All of us losers were there.”

“Including Eddie fucking Kaspbrak.”

“Sarah.” He says. Daring her, almost.  

“You never settled down.”

“Neither did you,” he argues.

“I’m busy fucking my way through pre-Bachelorette contestants.”

“Sarah.”

“I’m pregnant.”

“You’re what?!”

“And your gay.”

“Sarah!”

She glares at him. Daring him to challenge her.

“Tit for tat?”

She nods,

“Tit for tat.”

“Deadass?”

“Deadass. For Eddie, right?”

“Always for Eddie. Are you.. anything else? In a relationship perhaps?”

“Yeah. I’m.. it’s a something. Did you tell him?”

“He.. found out.” He grinds his teeth. Forgets to ask his question.

“Do you remember when you kissed him?”

“I what?!”

“You were five. I married you in the backyard. I omitted the kiss, but it was you who insisted.”

“I did not.”

“Did to.”

“Does he know?” Richie asks.

“Why is Eddie out there instead of in here?” She snaps back.

Richie can’t believe it. His own sister knew. And she’d, she probably hadn’t forgotten. There had been no reason for her to lose her memories. So this whole time she’d known about Richie’s feelings. She’d said nothing. She.. she treated him the same. She’d loved him anyway. And suddenly he’s crying.

She holds him, like she always does, and he very pointedly does not think about Eddie outside in the waiting room.

���I love you Richie.”

“I tolerate you.”

“That’s my cue to leave.”

It takes her awhile to get her things and get herself together, and suddenly Richie is at the door, hugging her again.

“You’ve gotta tell him.”

“You need to talk to Eddie.”

Richie grins,

“Tit for tat?”

She hesitates before nodding and opening the door,

“Tit for tat.”

He’s just shutting the door when she trills,

“Oh my god. Eddie, sweetie. I haven’t seen you in years! Do you want to go grab lunch or something? Richie’s just exhausted. So it will probably be a few hours before he’s recovered.”

Richie shuts the door and crawls into bed, mind reeling.

5. “Richie honey!” It’s Janice, his favorite nurse and her favorite patient.  

“Yes Janet?”

“You know I’m going on vacation tomorrow.”

“I know, you witch. What about it?”

“Well you haven’t talked to your gentleman friend yet and you’ll probably be discharged by the time I’m back so,”

“Janice, I’m really not.”

“Honey, he’s right here. “

Eddie pokes his head in and his hair is still a mess and he’s got a little bit more than a five o’clock shadow, which means he hasn’t left.

“Janet.” He says desperately. “I don’t feel well, I can’t.”

“Richie please,” Eddie says desperately.

“I said I don’t feel well. Please don’t,” he says weakly.

“Richie honey, sooner or later-“

“Oh shut up and get out, get the fuck out Janice!” He snaps.

He sees the hurt flash across her face and then the door shuts forcefully.

+1:

Richie’s being discharged. Sarah had to go back to New York, so Mike was bringing him to the airport. He’d left a card for Janice at the front desk with a promise to tickets to one of his shows, had his slides on, and was ready to go.

He’s not expecting Eddie to be in the waiting room. Still. He’s got his hair slicked back and he’s bare faced again. He must have a flight of his own to catch.

“Richie,” he says quietly.

Richie looks down, he doesn’t want to do this right now. He’s tired.

“Just, tell me if I’m wasting my time. It’s been ten days. I haven’t left your side. I. We need to talk about this. Can we please talk about this?”

“What’s there to talk about? You’re married. To a woman.”

“We’re separated. We’ve been separated. I didn’t like, leave her for you. You’re not that special,” he jokes.

“But you said-“

“Yeah, like I’m gonna show up and say I’m a failed divorcee.”

“Eddie I don’t have time-“

“Ask me.”

“Ask you what?”

“If I love you too.” He says quietly.

“I’m not gonna,” Richie’s stuck between wanting to collapse onto the ground and run away.

He tried to tell himself that it doesn’t matter if Eddie loves him, it doesn’t. They haven’t known each other for nearly thirty years. They each have their own respective lives. It doesn’t. This isn’t a fairytale. Richie has a life. Shows and obligations and he’s gonna be an uncle, holy shit. He has a girlfriend for Christ’s sake. So no, it doesn’t matter if Eddie loves him too. It’s too late for that. Life doesn’t work like that.

“Richie I,”

“Don’t!” He all but shouts, “I swear to fucking, don’t! It’s not fair.”

“Not fair? Richie what-“

“We can’t just be together. There’s, I have a life. You have a life. You have a job. You’re going through a divorce! No matter how we feel, it’s not, okay. It’s not, things aren’t just going to fit magically into place.”

“They can if we try.”

That sounds too much like the truth. Richie’s gut hurts. He doesn’t want to try. He doesn’t even want to start, because he knows he will not stop. No matter how things go. And if they ride hard, they’re going to crash and burn, fast. He’s lived his entire life in denial. He’d rather never know then to have things go south. And quickly.

He has to go, he has to get out of this situation.

“Can we try?” Eddie begs, “Give me a chance!”

“That’s the thing Eds. It wouldn’t be a  chance. It would be unlimited chances. And if things don’t work out, I can’t handle it.”

“So you’re counting us out before we’ve even tried?”

“Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

He tries to duck around Eddie, he’s got to get out of here.

“Richie, I love you. And I know it’s been like two weeks since our feelings came back but god they came back and I love you.  I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone before. I hadn’t realized that until now. What love actually felt like. Truly felt like. Please give me a chance. Let’s work this out, let’s.”

Richie looks up when he hears Eddie’s voice crack. There’s tears in his beautiful brown eyes and he has his own stitches in his face and he’s thought of about ten jokes about their matching scars if they do get together.  Get together.

“I don’t,”

“Dammit!” And Eddie is kissing him.

He’s soft but firm and his huge palm and resting on the back of Richie’s neck and his mouth is hot, and slick.  He finds himself standing completely still, just letting himself be kissed.

Richie breaks away panting,

“I can’t take anymore. I have to go.”

“Richie please.”

“Stop for gods sake. Mike is waiting for me.”

“I can drive you!” He says desperately.

Richie shakes his head,

“I’m okay.”

Eddie frowns in disappointment. Richie feels bad leaving, he does. But he’s scared, and it’s his first kiss with a guy and the guy is Eddie. But he can’t take it anymore. He’s anxious to get to the pharmacy to pick up his prescription because his ribs are killing him, and he’s nervous to return to an empty apartment.

Eddie’s still staring at him and Richie adjusts his backpack straps before leaning in to kiss Eddie’s cheek,

“I’ll text you when I’m on the plane.”

He starts walking away,

“Richie!” Eddie calls.

Richie turns around,

“I-“

Richie shakes his head. Smiles a bit.

“I know.”

[yuissamidare]

@codes i think i may have put this on my artblog but... Here

i guess ill start w ichi bc i always forget about him somehow like i always come up short when im making lists and im like 'oh wait shit yeah that guy’ bc im stupid n i only think of fishing trio + choro. I’m an Idiot. idk i never thought too hard on ichi bc i so rarely think about him but he looks so high its really funny i said this on main but he looks like my friend when he decided to try a weed gummy bear then started babbling about hentai then watched to watch porn with me but got mad all the intro scenes are a billion years long and started ranting about the industry but now that i think about it he looks like someone who used to send me weird shit when he was high like bad pick up lines about body parts i wish i didnt have

and thats so funny that its Ichimatsu who looks like that but also proof that hes high. but anyway!! hes really cute and im mad hes boutta ruin my reputation for my complete and utter lack of care and interest in him no matter what im mad. my friend gwyn said 'Sp lubing us up for the fuckening that is the reason why Ichi is sad in present day’ im really curious at the change like if hes trying a fake it till you make it type thing bc really emotionally exhausted or if hes just genuinely having a good time or hes puttin on a front since like. nails who stand get hammered down right??? just gotta do your best n Never Relax n i can relate to all that. but uhhh old hcs i guess

in kun ichi was the most serious! really smart but just as bad w school as the rest of them apparently but!! yeah so id think that!! ichis that guy who participates in class discussion constantly and is always willing to debate the readings, but turns in sloppy papers with typos and no a coherency or stucture or anything. he’s A+ in participation but has an average of 60% on most of the written assignments with points knocked bc of lateness then more bc its A Mess. you could ask about the prompts for one of his papers, he could babble about his position on it complete with paragraphs and footnotes but like the day before its due hes playing rpgs and watching horror movies.

his classmates think hes so smart n so intimidating. the family knows hes a hot mess. the teachers tell him he has a lot of potential but they don’t think hes applying himself. all are right. also he doesnt cheat or let people cheat off of him since hes always been about rules and boundaries and Rightness n he n jyushi were the only ones who Minded Themselves in kun

uhh jyushi!! let me talk about schoolwork again bc yeah i love jyushi so so so so much and thinking of him in a school environment is so weird i thought about it a lot n i thought about it him in kun n san and Woah!! i really really love delinquent jyushi, bc when i saw that i was like 'huh! that fits actually!!’ i love that like him and choro flip flopped completely from what i thought. his school must be so cold theyre too cheap to afford heating in the winter and in summer the acs Blast. he was so Shy and quiet and he cried and he liked to sing so i always thought that when he participated in chorus festivals hes always like right in front!! he hums a lot in class and also moves around alot bc he actually like school and people like primary trio are the types that make friends often. i wasnt supposed to talk about this yet whoops.

unlike ichi who relatively neat despite everything but has shit notes, jyushis notes are amazing and understandable and utterly illegible.

theyre covered in doodles, arrows and lines leading every which way, different colors but not like color coded n theyre not in order by date, but he opens to a random page every time yet somehow always seems to know where to find each lesson. he writes footnotes and caveats and corrections and criticisms of the teachers and random thoughts and just smears ink everywhere. sometimes his notes are on a completely different subject. the notebook itself is a horrifying mess, the front and back covers both covered in drawings and designs and falling apart, random papers shoved between the pages, coming apart at the seams, covered in stains of unknown origin. assignments are full of emoticons and informal language, and they always manage to make his teachers feel like hes smarter than they are (most likely). he does his projects the minute theyre assigned, and is finished a minute later so can talk to his friends. he loved school.

sophie told me once about how she thought was Like That was bc one of his main concerns is that he thought he had nothing that made him Jyushi n in kun she said he might have been the one who was the most concerned about having a distinctive personality and i talked about how that sorta carried over san and how he always blended in bc of how gentle and soft and push-overy he was. he was actually the and most gullible and weakest in kun so i was like :0 when i saw that and intentionally did stuff like only carry 14 yen in his pockets to be quirky but it always sorta fell flat and he was still invisible so i was like hmmmmm. and i can see how he couldve toughened up and thinking of this now!! i love that. oh im so happy. this is so much better than i ever couldve imagined ever.

totty…. i do not think he was very popular or good at school. i think he’s very decent at schoolwork but he never put much effort into it. just copies whats on the board but if the class runs out of allotted lesson time n he couldnt finish his work he just didnt do it like cram schools a pain in the ass. if he put effort hed be a star student but he just craps out whatever since hes was the laziest!! oh but something i noticed was that him and jyushi would play together often since sometime he felt overwhelmed by karamatsu a lot. also hes the money thief and scammer its great kun todo is so good. he gets shy and flustered easy too!!

but uhh yeah!! depending on the day im always like 'zaimoku love each other so much they are best friends and the perfect other halves!!’ then im like 'these mofos hate each other what the fuck is this trainwreck’ did you see their shitty small talk in the horse episode. what was that. like they are genuinely trying to communicate and are pretty easy with each other but they have nothing to say. its like when youre having a boring day at school and theres nothing to talk about with an acquaintance so you just look at the walls and go 'have you ever noticed how stupid these posters are’ then you both start reading posters aloud but you both know its not that funny and youre just doing it to waste time but you still enjoy their company you just dont want silence. thats their relationship. and i think they are just very similar in very different ways and like. the key things that make them both similar and different and the same fuck them up (like suiriku!! theyre both really similar even if it doesn’t seem like it at first which is why their compatibility in the relationship chart was so low in s1, but i saw a lot of improvement in both of their behaviours and their communication and honestly. s2 was worth it for that sophie was so happy to see her faves get along) like sometimes when you look in the mirror all the things you see are the things you dont like about yourself instead of what makes you wonderful and unique. also i didnt mean to talk about this but i guess i am.

but yeah. totty is bitter n resentful at kara during hs n karas more confused and upset at tottys behaviour in their twenties n thats bc like i said. theyre dumb. karamatsu!! i think was actually pretty popular in highschool n had a good amount of friends - i genuinely think theatre kids are well liked bc i literally know everyone in my department and im friends w a good amount of people and im not even That extroverted. my actual extrovert friends know everyone in the school by name and everyone in my department is so nice even though theres a lot of bitchiness and drama its not as bad as w other humanities studies (jesus christ humanity students outside of theatre are a hot mess.)

uh yeah n that ultimately makes totty feel a bit… betrayed? karamatsu is his partner! theyre supposed to be there for eachother! kara’s the first one to branch out, get friends etc etc and todomatsus left behind bc hes always the one playimg follow the leader and he breaks out of that once they graduate - he grows up resenting karamatsu slightly though he still cares. but this time Hes the one cancelling plans to hang out with friends instead. my friend katie put it best when, in response to me telling them this, they sent me:

'kara: totty you have so many friends now. We barely see you anymore.

totty, applying chapstick: well, I learned it from the best.’

when i told them about it. but at the time gwyn and i were babbling about possibilities and different storylines and how theres a possiblity the movie might break down into three manageable plotlines n she gave zaimoku 'popularity’ and this was me throwing out ideas but honestly. Good. (aha, the end of this scenario ended up with todo throwing hands and shoulder checking someone outside a window and then getting removed from the premise n hanging with atsushi all night after) why am i on this. shit what happened here.

uhh but yeah totty is Def someone with learned behaviours rather than being a natural extrovert honestly just look at him hes an introverted mess masquerading as a decent human being and i know full well how people like that are bc some of them have been my best friends for years n seein the new hs promos solidifies that fact bc look at him. Crybaby. He is Miniscule. A Child.

then its 'delinquent who looks like an honour student’ choro. i never studied him until sophie started liking choro n since i love sophie i wanted to take an interest in him too. n i started to think very hard about him! then gwyn planted this in me n its taken root and im just never not gonna think its great. yall see his shitty gokudo impression what a bossy lil shit. he pulled a whip on kara once and it was mad funny but also Gwyns Big Evidence for him just being the absolute worst not like a casually skips class type but a Choro was a legit a bully and really mean n sabatoged other classmates to make him look like he was 100% That Bitch. maybe not him being Mean and cruel but just an asshole who bums around, is something i really like that one a lot its been one of my faves since gwyn n i started talking about it but i just!! have a ton of other things too!!

hes a lot like karamatsu in that theyre both stupid and weird and embarrassing and they put on airs but they also!! dont try!! they talk so big and such high goals n expectations and they dont do shit bc they have so much hubris but i always talk about them bc suiriku is sophies Beloved so ill like. Not. but he acts like he’s better than all of them n forces the role of the straight man on himself because he wants to be seen as the responible, level headed one even if hes just. So Much.

i think the movies calling back to how touchy feely and clingy he was in kun and adding on to how jyushis a delinquent and kara… Is Like That he’ll be around them the most bc jyushi might either be really protective or push him away and then they do something to mend their relationship later on or hell cling to kara and they just. grow apart. sticking to my hc until the end bitches. oh.

for choro… personally!! i thought hed be a slacker instead of a delinquent but not in the way totty slacked - totty was lazy n knew the work but didnt want to put in effort but choro just. Doesnt. choro has so much energy all the time and choro Can Not deal with school situations. bc like… you always hear people say that studying is meant to be done at the desk, silently, no distractions what so ever!! focus on notes and nothing else!! ise a highlighter but dont use it too much!! make your notes legible but you only have five minutes before the board gets erased!! review!!! look at your notes or youll die! take breaks bit dont take too long and honestly. listen. kun choro wouldnt be able to stand that shit and id think hed just think he was doing it The Wrong Way n he just wasnt meant to do it.

he doesnt like quiet classrooms!! he cant study like that and hell get distracted. he cant sit still n thats why totoko broke up w him in the beer ad and why hes just Everywhere in kun!! hes understimulated and its just Ugh! you know??? he’ll fidget w his pens until he breaks them or hum or tap his foot and annoy everyone or leave for the bathroom at least three times a class just to get up and move.

eventually he just. gives up even though hes super smart he like, stops caring bc if you dont care to understand material then you wont have to read and read and reread and rereread something to get it! classes just make everything uncomphrehensible and makes any idea he may have sublimate into nothing. but he can work on the trains and the buses! he needs something kenetic to get him moving and trains n shit always have enough going on to work with, just like with home!! chorochoro motherfuckers. he works much better moving forward, ironic as that is. he feels sorta set apart from every thing like hes behind some big plane of glass doing everything wrong and being all set apart from everything. eventually he takes to acting like a real fussy mom to avoid his own problems and help everyone else out even though hes annoying and even when he graduates but it gets Worse bc then figures out how much!!! he fucked up!! then he kicks himself into high gear n still cant do shit. ahh.

its illegal for me to talk about choukei bc i talk about them so much and im always being annoying n typing stupid essays about them bc theyre… my faves.. But this is so long…

it actually makes me super happy that he kara acne he still can be really fighty and he cries and he still does stupid impulsive shit for others and even though hes really sweet and caring is still an utter monster and fucking mess of a person. love him. i always like to think his shittymatsu nickname came from iyami n it just morphed from there bc in 66 you can hear iyami calling him specifically garbage. ive always been glad they kept his sewing hobby too. ahh, actually from what i see hes pretty similarities to kun so i wonder when he decided to air out that teremity. idk what to say about him that i havent in tottys section. he just Feels like someone who had a good support group and nice friends bc of how hes able to move in the world. kara feels like some whos doing their growing up in their twenties bc highschool came easy to them and now theyre just really struggling with the real world. like i shouldve expected softboy hs kara and i appreciate him very much!! i talk about choukei a lot bc they were the first characters that spoke so i immediately attached myself to them n i talk about karamatsu Specifically but im not sure i ever mentioned how much i appreciated how smart and cautious hes proved himself to be time and time again, like how hes the only one to point out totokos fish shtick aint doing her favours or how he was the first one to notice osos irritation n how you can pick out his voice warning jyushi to calm down in the bg of 24 or how in the comedian episode he was ready to take Notes from iyami and a lot of other small things!!

i would think hes actually a bit more serious n calm in hs and san is him amping up traits that drew people to him in hs and it backfiring on kara spectacularly - kara is always gauging people and their reactions and acting in a way he believes will get something positive, but at the same time is utterly oblivious when it comes to actually Getting them n i talked about the girls on the bridge but this is also prevalent with ichi who kara just. Doesnt Get and can not figure out how to maneuver their relationship. like oso, kara is and elder brother!! and elder brothers have an image theyre supposed to uphold, but while kara acts the part he doesnt do the shit a big brother does and shrugs that responsibility off on oso until oso fucks up until s2, where they share the role more evenly and his relationship with ichi improves but this is another essay entirely. what im trying to get with that is that hyperfocus on what other people think of him, but his complete disregard when it comes to their actual reaction and instead what he wants their reactions to be would also greatly impact him transtioning from a teen to an adult im sorry im getting sloppy now

osomatsu… i really adore him too much and i understand how totty felt in their episode bc i also lent my phone to a friend who needed to desperately jack it before meeting new people n i talk about him a whole lot too. hes mean and an asshole and garbage n i know a lot of people find him plain n boring but idk. i dont think thats the case hes a really complexed n nuanced character n hes literally has always been way back from kun n thats expected from a main character but… hes always been mean n dumb n sly and he can get so pathetically vunerable and thats literally!! him. hes a normal dude nothing wrong with that n it can be real refreshing. n i suppose im so fond of fishing trio+choro bc they remind me of my friends. but yeah even if hes 'plain’ i dont see why thats a bad thing. n this they always have the most interesting body language like despite kara being So Much his body language was always closed off n singled him out as everything But exuberant and bright, and osos quirks like how he stands on his toes a lot had always been so cute… its relaxed and open n screams Talk To Me!!!!

ahh but i always end up thinking oso was. oso??? theres not much to say that i havent before but i do think that he was a lot more like he was in episode 2 when ranting to chibita about having shitty brothers and then actively Chose to be a good brother even if he wasnt a good person and be a stable rock and be someone they could all come back to at the end of the day. and hes good at math im never letting this die.

[whateverisbeautiful]

Reveling in Richonne

120: The Staying (8x14)

Y’all this was the episode that had me most excited to return to these revelings and I know y’all know why lol. 😋 So this is legit me walking into these 8x14 posts rn...

There’s a very special scene to celebrate and break down in this episode and I can’t wait, but before that, there’s definitely some notable moments beforehand to talk about too.

And this first one is the really beautiful scene we get with Rick and Michonne and the letters. 🙌🏾

And y’all my extra self of course wrote a dissertation on this one scene cuz there’s so much to analyze. 🙈😂 This moment between them is that meaningful and layered, so you know we gotta break it all the way down. 

So the scene starts with Michonne getting emotional as she stands alone in the room and reads Carl’s letter. And y’all, it breaks my whole heart. 😭 

But there is something heartwarming about it too cuz Michonne so clearly wants to honor Carl’s memory and hold on to the last little piece of her best friend she has left through this letter.

As sad as it makes her, she continues to turn to his words and connect to Carl in this way, which I’m glad cuz the last thing they should do is suppress Carl and his memory.

Also this moment made me even more annoyed with Enid because her trifling self was all up in Michonne’s face about Carl dying, and at that time Michonne had to be composed and cordial even tho you know it hurt to hear that. And so here in 8x14 we see that in the quiet of her room she’s now able to let all the pain of the loss fully hit her.

And it’s a big deal that she’s letting herself grieve and let out this emotion cuz there was a time when the old Michonne would have likely suppressed and shut down after a loss like this.

But luckily her best friend knew just what to say to keep that from happening, cuz Carl deliberately advised her to not carry this part. So I really feel like she’s been able to find this balance since losing him, of addressing the loss without carrying the loss in an unhealthy way. 👌🏽

So then Rick walks in and sees Michonne. They make eye contact but he looks away cuz again at this point he’s shielding himself from anything that could heal him.

Rick sees her holding the letter and you can see the anxiety he feels cuz this is something he’s been running from and he’s clearly dreading having to face his own letter.

Michonne doesn’t say anything and I feel like to see her in this vulnerable spot is a wake up call for Rick to see just how much she’s hurting since she lost Carl too. He knew they were both in pain but I think to visibly see her emotional like this, whereas most every other time post-Carl the focus has been on her reaching out for him and letting him be the emotional one, helps Rick to understand just how much she’s in need of comforting too. 

And I think Rick knows that even in this time of grief for him, the responsibility he still has is to be there for Michonne because she’s been by his side every step of the way in all of this.

So as much as Rick might feel the temptation to just run from this, what I love is that we get to see him decide that Michonne is more worth it than his own fears.

Despite the pain and suppression he feels, he still musters the strength to comfort her and acknowledge her pain. And he does this through going to her and doing the immensely intimate act of gently wiping her tears. Cuz soul mates. 😊🙌🏾

Y’all this is legit too beautiful. 😭 I love that this really highlights how close they’ve become to do something so personal like this. 

Like this just feel so natural for both of them and it really is evident that there’s something out of this world that connects them, cuz finally having this form of contact seems to just give both of them a real sense of relief and comfort. Being together like this is the way they’re meant to be.

Rick might not have the words yet to really speak with her but that’s not going to stop him from trying to offer comfort through his actions.👌🏽 And seeing him finally be at a point of acknowledging her pain and consoling her had me like...

It’s so nice to see Rick finally look at her fully and you can just feel the deep love he has for her as he looks at her. She truly is something special to him, y’all. ☺️

It’s also significant that his act of comfort is wiping away the tears cuz I think it symbolizes both his care and also his desire to just wipe away the pain for both of them if only it were that simple. R&M are both people who always want to be useful so he wants so badly to take this pain away for her.

This act is even more precious when I think about the fact that this is Rick Grimes, who to most people is the baddest of the bunch and nothing to play with, but with Michonne he’s so loving and tender.

And he has shown throughout the seasons that Michonne being happy is a priority to him, so you know it breaks him to see her like this.

This moment really solidifies how they love each other more than their own feelings and he’s pushing past what he feels in order to be there for her cuz he not only sees her hurting but he feels it too cuz they��re so interconnected.  

So as they look into each other’s eyes and have this long awaited moment of connecting it’s really sweet that Michonne asks Rick if he wants to read the letter Carl gave her.

It’s deep cuz it shows that in this relationship what’s hers is his and what’s his is hers, so of course she’s open to share. And allowing Rick to read the letter Carl wrote to her would give Rick one more piece of Carl to take in. Cuz once they read those letters it’ll be the last new thing they have from him. 😢

I love that she poses it as a question because she’s giving him the choice. And I also appreciate that she offers cuz she knows that he could find comfort in it even if he doesn’t see it like that just yet.

(Side note: I hope this show knows it’s important we eventually hear what was in Michonne’s letter. I so badly want to know what he would’ve wrote her cuz I bet it’d be precious. And I also am really hoping there could be some mention of how she became his mom. That’s part of why I was fine with the best friends thing cuz I was like the mom mention better be in the letter. So when it comes to showing us her letter, TWD...

But like I said, these letters weigh heavy on Rick so this triggers him to push away again. The fear of the letters initially is trumping his need to be with her and this stands out cuz usually nothing trumps his need to be with her. 

What’s cool is that even though he’s not ready to face the letters yet and he’s essentially saying no, he’s still holding her hand and connected with her. So it’s not a rejection of her or even her offer, it’s more so him being real that he feels he can’t read these letters yet.

I love that there’s almost this dance done as he slowly backs away and she moves closer to him. It legit feels magnetic. 💯

So Rick starts to physically pull away and he goes over to the closet. And that’s how you know this isn’t a healthy Rick cuz for a moment his fear overpowered her presence and led him to pull away, which never happens with a healthy Rick who would have easily stayed in that moment with her for a long time.

When Rick walks to the closet you can see him having a moment of feeling off and dazed and I really think part of this is because he knows he shouldn’t be pushing away from her. He knows walking away from her doesn’t feel right cuz y’all that’s not how magnets are designed. But again, the unstable Rick is drowning out his true self.  

(Side note: I love knowing that the two of them picked a room to make their own together at Hilltop. ☺️)

Rick grabs the murder coat and that coat is a clear indicator that whatever Rick’s about to do is not going to be some kumbaya activity. 😂

Michonne turns and sees him and she immediately knows that he’s going out there (probably to do something wildin), and Rick gives his explanation about how they need food so he’s going to get some. He tries to say it casually but he can’t completely look at her here cuz he knows he’s not being honest with the one person he’s meant to be honest with.

It’s deep that throughout this moment Michonne is able to stay looking at Rick, even despite the fact that he is a constant reminder of Carl for her too. And Rick knows he needs to look at her and speak with her cuz she’s the cure and the one person who can reach him but again, he doesn’t feel he deserves that right now.

It reminds me of how he told her in Season 5 that she could’ve talked him out of their whole secret gun thing. Rick knows that if he’s around Michonne long enough she can talk him out of this wrathful self-sabotage state he seems to be in, so in an act of further self sabotage he’s pushing away.

After hearing Rick’s reasoning for going out, Michonne doesn’t address that, but instead she gets to the heart of the issue and asks Rick, “What did he write you.”

Again, I love that she is unafraid to deal with the real stuff with her man as tough as it is. Addressing the root will help him and all she wants is to help him through even if it’s doing hard things like having hard conversations.

So Michonne gets straight to the deeper issue cuz she knows they’ve built a mature relationship where they let it out and talk about everything with vulnerable honest communication. 💯

(Side note: Another reason these other characters need to put some respek on Michonne’s name is cuz she is the one to save their leader and pull him out of the darkness so many times. It’s a big responsibility that she does effortlessly and continuously and the whole community is better off because of it. So these characters have to realize there isn’t exactly a healthy leader Rick if not for Michonne being the one to lift him up. 💯)

Rick admits he doesn’t know what Carl wrote him cuz he can’t bring himself to read it and while he’s trying to run from this subject, I think you can also see the real Rick trying to come through and be vulnerable here too.

And I love that Michonne stops him and says “Wait.” There’s something about her saying wait that feels so loving cuz it’s not demanding, it’s more like she’s saying I know you’re about to walk out and away from this and from me and it’s urging him to give them this moment to not run but finally talk. She knows walking away and leaving this room can be damaging so she needs him to wait and hear her out.

When she says wait Rick does finally stop and face her and they’re standing closer now cuz magnets. He says he can’t with more vulnerability in his voice and you can see how fragile he feels. 

And then She tells him “You have to.” In a way that feels completely like she’s speaking from experience.

As always it’s not demanding or pushy, it’s coming from a place of knowing the longer he puts this off the harder the journey will be and the more his mental state will deteriorate, and she’s determined to keep that from happening to him.

They both have an immensely strong desire to protect each other and that’s why she stresses that he has to, because she wants to protect him from the dark places she went to when she experienced this kind of loss.

You can hear the plea in her voice because she knows it’s important and she wants him to me be okay. Like since season four they’ve established their you’re okay/I’m okay connection. And they’re both not okay right now so they have to go on this healing path together in order for both of them to ever truly heal individually, cuz they’re just one like that. Grieving together will help them get better. 👌🏽

Michonne then says “I did it too. When it happened to me.” And cue my internal and eternal tears. 😭

I’m so here for the fact that Michonne brings up losing her first son, cuz I thought surely this would have to be brought up between her and Rick in this new arc of losing Carl. If I’m not mistaken, this is the first time since season 4 that Michonne gets to reference her son.

I would’ve loved if they let her expand on it even more in their conversation but I am glad that this at least implies that Michonne having a son isn’t news to Rick. He seems to know all about her son cuz he definitely should by this point in their relationship. (It would’ve been great to see that initial conversation when she first told him tho.)

I adore that she levels with him through vulnerability and opens up about something personal. It’s their consistent thing, and it really is one of my favorite aspects of their relationship. 🙌🏾

Once she starts talking about this, Rick finally looks at her and then of course it’s like he can’t stop. We see him be entranced yet again and it finally seems like he’s letting himself hear and see her which is the way it’s meant to be. 

His look just makes it so clear that she makes so much sense to him, not just what she says, but who she is.

Like I said, all versions of Rick love Michonne so even this deflecting and vulnerable Rick can’t help but look at her like she’s his light.

And I feel like he understands she’s giving him another piece of her heart in this moment too. This has to resonate with Rick and help him to just fully grasp that his woman can help him through this, both cuz she lost Carl but also cuz she’s gone through losing a son in her past as well.

This can almost provide a sense of hope for Rick too in knowing that someone he loves has gone through this and came out on the other side. It was a reminder that he can get better and that she really does get this cuz she’s lost a son twice now.

And it really is so meaningful that she’s willing to bring up something so deep cuz it’s such a tough and emotional topic already, but then add to it that losing Carl has probably caused all those past feelings to resurface it’s probably heavier than ever for her, but she is willing to address her personal wound if it means helping her man. She loves him, y’all. 😊👌🏽

And as usual, Sis always knows what to say to communicate with him because when she says “You keep moving to move away from it.” it’s spot on.👏🏽👏🏽

Like it’s such a true statement cuz it’s what Michonne did when she was first introduced and it also perfectly encapsulates what Rick is doing right now.

The thing is when you move from the pain and don’t address it, that pain will follow you around more than a Morgan Hallucination. And Michonne knows that until you address it, it’ll haunt you.

I think this line of moving to move away from it also speaks to why Michonne’s been able to be so patient and compassionate with Rick during this time. Cuz she knows he’s not trying to move away from her but rather the pain.

And the way Rick looks at her here, I really feel like his heart breaks not just for him but for her and knowing she’s had to go through this twice and also that his state of mind isn’t allowing him to be there for her the way he knows he should be and wants to be.

I’m glad that Rick becomes more present with her upon hearing this. He can’t help but be. I’m telling you if she’s in front of him for longer than a second, he can’t help but be locked into her (that’s why it seems like there’s a lot of energy exerted when he pushes away cuz it’s just not natural for them).

She then she tells Rick, “Andrea stopped me” And it’s always nice to hear characters recall past characters (even if Andrea irked me to no end lol) 

Hearing Michonne bring up Andrea reminded me of the one good thing Andrea did which is helped Michonne to stay in one place and care about someone again. And that led Michonne to find her Grimes 2.0 family and fall in love with the man in front of her, so if Michonne credits Andrea for that then I guess I gotta say thanks Andrea. (just for that one thing tho 😂)

I really love that Michonne then tells Rick, “And now I’m stopping you.” It shows that she knows she can and does play that big of a role in his life.

And she’s willing to stop him while he doesn’t have the clarity to stop himself yet. And it’s admirable cuz that’s something everyone needs from time to time. She’s his North Star that’s capable of both guiding him where to go and also when to stop 👌🏽

In saying that she’s stopping him it’s her saying; I see you’re losing it and I know what that’s like, so I need to stop you before you head off and push this further down and make this harder to come back from. 

Honestly, Michonne for president of this TWD universe cuz she really does have the most wisdom and balance. 👸🏾🙌🏾

She knows how to lay down the law in the most loving and compassionate way possible and she’s selfless and puts others first which is something so few characters do on this show lately.

She then reminds Rick of something very important when she tells him, “Carl wrote that because he wanted you to read it”😭

It seems straightforward enough that he wrote it to be read, but this is actually really significant because it’s shifting the perspective for Rick. He hasn’t been able to read the letter for himself but this is showing him if he can’t read the letter for himself, then he should read it for Carl. She’s helping him to see that this is how they honor and respect him and let him live on.

Michonne passionately tells him, “It’s one of the last things he ever did.” 😭😭😭

It’s heartbreaking and true. Carl had a few precious hours left of his life and he used that time to write these letters so clearly it was super important to him. So they can’t shut it out cuz they can’t let Carl’s last day and decisions be in vain.

I love that Michonne fought for Carl as he lived and we’re seeing that even now as he’s no longer with them, she’s still fighting for him and making sure his voice is heard.

And Michonne looks at Rick with such a loving intensity because this is not big bad Rick to her, this is a man who needs his rock and she is 100% his rock.

Idk what was in Michonne’s letter (but I better know eventually, I’m just saying lol) but whatever it is, she clearly feels Carl’s spirit with her and is deriving a lot of strength from him. 

It makes me feel like Carl might’ve expressed to her in the letter how crucial she is to helping, not just Rick, but everyone see the light. 💯 And it’s giving her motivation amongst her pain. 😌

Rick’s teary eyed face as he lets those words hit him, just really hits my heart because he’s letting it sink in. 😭 Only she could get him to let that sink in. And he looks at her cuz, as much as it hurts, he sees that she’s right.

And in all the pain, it seems there’s this moment of clarity where he realizes not just that Carl’s really gone, but that Carl still has one more thing for him and he knows it’s going to require a lot of strength for him to receive it, especially cuz it’ll be the last thing he ever hears from his son. 😢

You can tell, even before they cut to it, that as Michonne is talking to him she’s holding his hand. And I love this closeness between them. 😊

She knows how immensely hard this is for him so while she’s rightfully challenging him to not run from the crucial healing process, she’s also connecting with him and taking his hand and communicating that he doesn’t have to do this alone. She’s suggesting this for his own good and to ease the pain, not increase the pain. 👌🏽

Another thing I love about this scene is that not once does it feel like the two are annoyed or frustrated with each other. They’re in different head spaces but there is still this love and respect and passion that’s so evident between them. 🙏🏽

So then you already know that I love that she tells Rick, “You’re staying.” Wifey vibes all day. 😋🙌🏾

And y’all, that wasn’t a request or a suggestion. That was a point blank period statement. And I’m here for it cuz it really does feel like a husband and wife moment.

In saying that he’s staying, she’s essentially telling him…

And I just gotta reiterate how again, it’s not said demanding or controlling but in a way that’s genuinely loving and sincere. Rick doesn’t know what’s best for him right now, but his other half does so she makes the call cuz Sis is his leader.

She knows he needs this and she knows she’s his wife so she can tell him he’s staying here, and (at least for a little bit) he’ll listen.

I really appreciate that this is all done out of love and this show could actually use more characters stepping in like she did and making the final call for others when they’re unhinged and at risk to themselves and others.

I love that the next wider shot is her gently holding his arm and taking the murder coat. Symbolism on ten. She’s taking the killer crazy in him and telling him to let that go to embrace the healthier approach of coping rather than killing. 💯

And sure enough, Homeboy lets her take the coat. ☺️He knows she’s right about this, it’s just a matter of being ready to embrace it.

The way Rick stays looking down and just doesn’t even know how to regroup is so telling of how understandably disoriented he is inside. And it’s clear there’s this internal conflict within him of acting on impulse or doing what’s right and following his woman’s lead.

So then Michonne walks out of the room and I was like Sis please stay cuz I think Homeboy needs some supervision right now lol. 😂 (and it ended up being quite true that he did 👀) 

But I appreciate that she looks at him one last time before leaving and her look conveys that she knows this part of the healing process is going to hurt but it’s necessary and he’ll be better because of it.

When she walks out, you can see Rick really start to feel everything and you can tell he just doesn’t want to cry anymore. So far every time we’ve seen him allow himself to come to grips with the loss for even a second it visibly breaks him (and it also emotionally breaks me might I add.)

So he has this emotional moment of breaking down for a split second and then taking a deep breath and going to the drawer and he takes the letter addressed to him. And can I tell y’all how deep this is even tho I know you already know? 😋

It is so deep that he’s able to do this cuz we’re literally seeing him attempt to do the hardest thing in the world for him...because Michonne wants him to. That’s love. 💛

Like y’all Homeboy has been putting his letter off for a minute and it’s been weighing on him, but now that Michonne’s had a heart to heart with him and let the message of honoring Carl’s last wish seep in, it’s given him at least enough strength to open the drawer and hold the letter and consider it and that’s a big deal.

Her words and getting him to focus back on Carl was enough to help him at least muster up the strength to hold the letter.

So as much as he wants to push this away, he can’t because she’s told him what she would want from him and you know he can’t resist giving her what she wants cuz soul mates. 

Michonne expressed wanting him to read it so he’s going to try for her. And that’s what I really appreciate about Rick; he’s always willing to try for Michonne. Every time she’s had a heart to heart with him we’ve seen him come around to her ways because he trusts her that much. 🙌🏾

Rick acknowledged the way Michonne leads him in 7x12, and I love that he’s still letting her do that now. ☺️ 

This time it’s going to take a little more time tho, so he doesn’t read the letter just yet, but it won’t be long before he does in fact come around.

This whole scene was such a loud and clear “I love you” between them, and also illustrated the strength of this couple, that she can have this heart to heart with him and it resonates with him despite everything else.

So I really appreciate this scene because, once again, we got to witness how nothing can change the love and respect Richonne has for each other cuz their love is a powerful thing. 😊🙌🏾👌🏽

gif sources: michonnegrimes gekari carlschandler kendaspntwd

[gemproduction]

Your affinities ≠ what’s best for a show

I’ve been thinking about this a lot while doing some introspection on what I’d love to see from su, and I’ve come to a few conclusions. I think what a lot of fans of the show need to understand is that just because you have an affinity for something doesn’t mean that that’s what is best for the narrative.

What I mean by this is like Opal, for example. She’s obviously a fan-favorite fusion who rarely appears, and a lot of her popularity inevitably stems from that rarity. I’ll admit as well that I’d love to see her again and learn more about her! I enjoy her design and she holds a lot of nostalgic value for me being the first example of fusion from the show. But just because I want to see her again doesn’t mean that’s what makes the most sense for the story. Opal as a fusion exists exclusively for functionality because of the chemistry between Amethyst and Pearl. Yes, they’re family and care for each other, but outside of fanon about the romantic aspect to their relationship, they work best as individuals and not a single entity. So, demanding a singular episode just dedicated to learning about Opal as a character (like I’ve wanted in the past), and getting frustrated with the crew for not pandering to the fans by centering the story on her out of the blue, is not only unfair to the story but also incredibly entitled. Some characters don’t need to be main stage characters. Not all characters are created equal, and that’s just the reality of any story! You can’t feel betrayed when you incidentally fall in love with a character whose roll isn’t as big as you think it should be, or who you personally think “deserved more” in terms of the narrative.

Frankly, the same line of thinking is true for Bismuth. It really doesn’t matter that you liked her character; she was a dangerous figure in relation to Steven at the time of their encounter and had troubling ideologies that conflicted with everything the Crystal Gems have been fighting for in Rose’s name. It was clear that just “talking things out” wasn’t going to solve her radicalism, as when Steven told her he disagreed with her ideology she attacked and nearly killed him. Trying to “fix” Bismuth isn’t something the Gems were in the position to do at the time, and even now they have bigger issues at hand. Bismuth’s bubbled presence is a reminder of what Steven could let himself become. She came into his life to solidify his pacifism and non-violent/non-murderous approach to conflict resolution (along with give insight of the Crystal Gems in their prime, Rose, and the rebellion). That was her character’s purpose. She came, and she fulfilled her role. Just because you like Bismuth and think she deserves a bigger role in the show doesn’t mean that’s what makes the most narrative sense, nor what her character was ever destined for!

Honestly at the time when she debuted, it was abundantly clear from the first leaked clip that she was a one-off character for her special. It was absolutely perplexing to me to see some people legitimately think she was going to instantly rejoin the Crystal Gems and become a main-stage character after one episode, despite this going against everything the show has done to develop its characters over the seasons. To this day I still haven’t figured out if it was purely ignorance or gullibility. Some people just gotta come to terms with the fact that she was never meant to be a permanent character. And they have to stop being furious about that, for their sake.

Just for the sake of argument, I’ll analyze the same way with something I really want to see in the show: Steven and Pearl’s fusion. Rainbow Quartz is one of my favorite fusions in the show. Do I want to see her again? Of fucking course I do! Do I want to see what version of Rainbow that Steven and Pearl would make both to answer questions I have about fusion and just for the hell of it because they’re two of my favorite characters?? Absolutely! But I’m not mad that I haven’t yet. Having Pearl and Steven fuse out of nowhere makes no sense for the current narrative. Additionally, would I like to see the Zircons again? Sure! But I understand what their characters were meant to do and I accept the purpose they served in the story.

When the “Wanted” arc was about to finally air, I was incredibly excited. Finally, we were going to see Homeworld! And it made sense as to how and why! I was giddy as can be, theorizing about what we were finally going to be shown, which I had never done before. I made up an entire fucking list on my phone listing all my “predictions” about what I was sure awaited us in those episodes. The list was RIDICULOUS: white diamond’s appearance, the final and absolute truth about Pink’s shattering and her appearance, an entire council of new and unique types of Gems, Rose’s origins, Steven and Lars’ fusion, Steven being chased and nearly killed by the Diamonds, Pearls’ roles explained in detail, the entirety of the Gem caste system explained, etc etc etc with all these outrageous demands for those THREE episodes. And when I sat back and watched as “Lars’ Head,” ended, and suddenly the episodes were over, I was obviously disappointed. I spend a good time hating those episodes and sitting there not feeling right because NONE of my “predictions” came true. It was only after I looked over my list again that I thought, “Man, I’m a fucking idiot.” I don’t know why I had these impossible expectations. Maybe it was because of the excitement, and maybe it was because they were all things I had an affinity towards. I realized that if we were shown all of this stuff at once, not only would it be plot and sensory overload, but the story would have very little left to show! The things on the list were what I was excited about and what I misguidedly thought was the “right” course of the show. I felt for the first time what I assume so many people who oppose the show have felt over and over again; I had these unrealistic, self-serving expectations, and when they weren’t met I was frustrated, disappointed, and even a bit angry. But the things that I wanted didn’t make sense in the context of what was actually happening in the story. They were my fantasies, and frankly nothing more.

We’re the audience, the observer. We don’t dictate the canon, we consume it. The sooner each of us accepts that we have no control over the story, the better the experience will be. You can’t go into something with a whole page’s worth of demands based on what you have an affinity towards, because you’re going to be disappointed when they aren’t met. Ultimately, when you believe you can control something, and you later realize you actually can’t, that’s when you start to turn on it. You create this deep, hollow grudge because you didn’t get what you fantasized about. What you fell in love with, became obsessed with, for whatever reason. What your personal perfect fantasy-canon dictated. But at the end of the day, the story isn’t yours to control. You can stare vitriolically at your screen as the credits of an episode scroll by, but no amount of intimidation or bitching or furious vendetta will change that it’s out of control. Thinking that you alone knows what is best for someone else’s art is incredibly self-centered and arrogant. If that isn’t something you’re willing to accept, then perhaps the consumption of media isn’t your strong suit.

But you know whose work you do have control over? Your own! That’s why fanon and headcanons and fan-works exist. You can pander to whatever it is you like best from a show and it can be all about you! And it’s fun and self-rewarding! I’ve done it many times, and there are countless examples of it in every corner of the internet. But it’s essential you remember that your fanon/affinities ≠ canon, and no one viewer’s fantasy is what is best for the course of someone else’s story.

[thegayagenda-forkids]

Hand Drawn Sleeves- Chapter 1

The first time T.J remembers seeing the designs was on the first day of second grade. He was sitting while the teacher was teaching math, and he wasn’t paying attention. He hated math anyways. He felt a tickle on his arm and looked down, seeing flowers and swirls sprawling about. He stared at his arm puzzled, rubbing at it, but the designs wouldn’t smear or fade. He put on his jacket and kept his sleeves rolled down all day.

[[MORE]]

When he went back home, he was trying not to cry, freaking out and showing his mom. She smiled and stroked back his hair.

“Honey, everyone on Earth is born with a soulmate, the person that’s perfect for you and who you should be with,” she said. “And the universe decided to help us find them by letting us know what’s drawn on the skin of the other. Look!” She pointed to his arm and the drawings started smearing before disappearing. “Looks like your soulmate is washing them off. There’s nothing to worry about.”

“So whatever they draw I see on my skin?”

“And whatever you draw will show up on their skin.”

So T.J. Kippen moved on with his life, and he kept looking forward to what would show up on his skin. It was highly discouraged for people to use the writing on the skin to reveal their identities because if you met and knew who your soulmate was too early, there was a 99% chance of the relationship not working out and being forever alone, someone dubbed soulless. So he didn’t get his soulmate’s name. He looked for the drawings, and sometimes, he would draw over some of the designs with his own pen and would watch almost all of the drawings fade, wait a good few minutes, and then wait for the trademark frowny face to appear on his forearm. That’s when he would chuckle and wash off his own side. The frowny face would be crossed out with a big X and a smiley face would be drawn next to it, and that always made TJ smile, no matter what was happening in his life.

He loved watching the designs show up on his arm, the way they seemed to swirl. He tried picturing what his soulmate looked like. For several years, he pictured someone like his friend Joshie. Joshie was a cute boy who always had paint on his cheek, but his parents always talked about his soulmate becoming his girlfriend. He always frowned but accepted it. It was probably a girl and he was still growing out of his “girls are icky” phase. His sister Amber acted the same way whenever they referred to her soulmate as her future boyfriend. They were just growing out of it. That’s what they kept saying to each other.

In the meantime, T.J. would just watch the designs every day. He watched it while he was at school, giving up on trying to understand math. He was just stupid with numbers, and he wished people would stop being so hard on him there. He was good at English, Basketball, and even somewhat decent with Spanish since he was able to string together several coherent sentences from Dora the Explorer alone.

He was in the fifth grade when he moved to Shadyside after his dad died. It was just him, his mom, and his sister Amber. When his father died, his mom developed a black band in the middle of her forearm, the sign of a Lost Soul, someone who lost their soulmate.

It was the summer before sixth grade when the drawings stopped. All he would get were pencil smudges or ink stains on his hand from his soulmate. And whenever he helped do some repairs on his mom’s car and got oil stains, the frowny face would reappear, and if he was in the middle of the job, he would take out a pen and write:

-10 minutes-

-O.K. Counting.-

That was the most the two ever wrote to each other as messages. They didn’t want to risk it going any further. When T.J. was about to wash his hands, he’d draw a checkmark, and wait for the smiley face. That was all he got. No more drawings. He was sad, but he moved on. Tons of people would find their soulmates with nothing but ink stains and paint smudges. He moved on.

He joined the basketball team, and eventually, he made captain, and he became the best player on the team. He was forced to allow a girl onto his team, Buffy Driscoll. She was good, but he would never admit that. This was the boy’s basketball team and Driscoll was ruining the vibe. His mom said he had a crush whenever he complained about her. Amber knew Driscoll and the gang, and she knew that T.J. had absolutely no interest in her. He just wanted her off the team so she that the other basketball teams could stop making fun of them.

It was the eighth grade when T.J. looked down at his arms absentmindedly in math class when T.J.’s spirits lifted. It wasn’t him magically understanding the problems on the board. That was never going to happen. It was his arm. On his left arm, the doodles were returning. He smiled and looked over it. There were flowers and leaves, and swirls in the spaces between. He traced them with his finger, looking over it. It felt like his soulmate was back, really back.

He had so many questions. Who were they? Where did they learn how to draw? And why did they stop for so long. He wanted to go rushing out the school hallways and look at everyone’s arm, but he stopped himself. Did he want to know? Was he ready to know?

He decided to shake it off and go to basketball practice, thankful that Buffy was in meetings with the principal to create a new girls basketball team. Not that he would ever tell her, but he supported that. The sooner she got her girls team, the sooner she was off of his. He quickly got changed and went to the gym to go practice some layups.

“Whoa, Timothy Jimothy!” a voice behind him said. T.J. rolled his eyes.

“Not my name, Reed.”

“Dude, I’m running out of T and J names.”

“Yup. You’ll never figure it out. And I’m not telling,” he said, shooting another basket.

“Dude, why did you draw all this crap on your arm?” he took his arm and started looking over it. “Flowers, squiggles, turing fag on me, bro.”

“Dude, shut up,” he said, giving him a shove back. “It’s my soulmate you idiot, see?” he licked his thumb and rubbed it on the doodles. “No smudge. Not me.”

“Damn, you really got some girly girl to draw all over you?” he said.

“I don’t even know who my soulmate is yet,” T.J. said. “All I know is that there’s this drawing on my soulmate’s arm, and it won’t come off until they decide to wash it off.”

“You know,” Randy said, jogging into the room. “The amount that you two argue, nobody would think you guys are best friends. Honestly, even for me sometimes it’s more believable that you two are soulmates.”

“Gross,” Reed said. “T.J's dude!”

“Yeah, gross,” he said, shooting more baskets. “As if I’d want to spend the rest of my life with this dickhead.”

“Oh you’re so sure,” Randy teased.

“Randy, Reed’s arm is clean, mine has doodles all over it. My soulmate is active. Unlike yours...Randy?” T.J. let the ball drop and he rushed to his friend’s side, who fell to his knees and started breathing heavily.

Reed looked at his arm. There were swirling black lines all over it and then it settled on a black band on his forearm.

“Shit,” T.J. looked. “Man I’m sorry…”

“Just... just leave it,” he said. “I gotta go home…Maybe it’s good I didn’t meet them yet. Maybe I’ll meet another lost soul and just...see if we have fun.” He grabbed his stuff and left.

“Okay, I won’t say another word about soulmates...I swear...”

T.J. watched Randy walk away. He knew that sort of thing happened and opened his phone to see if there were any news stories that could have explained that. The good news is that there were no national tragedies to report, but that didn’t change the black band on Randy’s arm.

He remembered the car crash like it was yesterday. They weren’t in the car, but he remembered his mom screamed in pain and dropped the salad bowl she was holding. He remembered looking around confused while Amber rushed over to help her, and he remembered her breaking down crying when the band solidified. He looked up what happened later that night because his mom didn’t want to talk, and he and Amber just held each other and cried.

He closed his eyes and shook his head. He didn’t want to remember the funeral, and he didn’t want to think about how his mom said that it feels like there’s a hole in her heart and that she’ll never be warm enough again.

“Whatever man…” T.J. said. “I’m gonna go study for English…” He put on his hoodie and froze when, as soon as she walked into the gym looking annoyed, he saw Buffy’s right arm. The patterns looked way to similar. He grabbed a blue pen and drew a small slash on his wrist. Thankfully, nothing happened, and he quickly cleaned the mark off before he left. Maybe Driscoll just drew on his soulmate’s arm, or maybe his soulmate was the artist. Either way, one important thought remained in his head.

“Not Her.”

[trifeca]

Rodney Mullen --- Body Issues: Switching The Regular (2012)

No need to introduce Rodney: The early-Bones-Brigade-hero-cum-Almost-mastermind invented most tricks skateboarders have been doing for the last quarter of a century – including flat-ground ollies and kickflips –, he’s been a skate business millionaire for more than a decade, and he’s just getting started on his most recent missions: to enter the world of academia and to redistribute the flesh over his body in a perfectly symmetrical way so he can finally overcome the notion of “switch” which has been dominating the skate world for two decades now. Meet the only true mad scientist of skateboarding.

 Rodney, do you still skate mostly at night?

 I do. But my days, they vary a lot. The truth is that it’s embarrassingly little, in some way, because in the summer time, in the last months, I have spent maybe five days home, and so it’s just packing bags and going, and mostly that’s because of three or four different kinds of activities I’m doing – between Bones Brigade, the screenings, between stuff with Almost, and then Globe, and then I developed some bonds with a kind of academic crowd. I spoke at the TEDx thing, so it’s just that crowd, and I just start connecting – I get invitations sometimes to go elsewhere. So I’ve been doing a good deal of that, applying myself to that, and nurturing those relationships.

 Wow. I know you studied Math, but tell me some more about those academic connections.

 Well, I don’t know if you’re familiar with that TED stuff, I didn’t know it very well, but it’s kind of a big thing. They franchise it around the world to different universities, and it’s called TEDx, and it’s basically Technology, Entertainment, Design, and so they have various people, all kinds between scientists, design people, all kinds of people… computer people, astro guys and biological guys, all these guys get up and they speak, and they try to integrate different specialties. Me, I feel like I don’t have a specialty in anything.

 Come on.

 I can skate, yes, and so over the time I keep getting more and more bonds with some of these people. The last one was from O’Reilly Books, and Tim O’Reilly, he invited a crowd like that, a couple hundred people. You go up there, and then you speak about whatever the subject is – in fact, they have a giant grid on the wall. I think it was between 45 minutes to an hour for each, and you could choose around eight different ones, and then you could go meet with anyone, like, “Hey, let’s talk,” and then you write it up on the board, or you just go to others, and you integrate with them, and then you leave after three days, and they’ll tell you, “Hey, half of you aren’t coming back because we have to keep the flow – don’t take it personal.” Things like that. And so what does it mean? I don’t really know. It’s just getting disparate people from disparate fields together and broadening…

 So it doesn’t have any set goal or agenda?

 Not necessarily. It’s there just to see what you come up with. Lately that’s been something for me…

 Sounds quite inspiring.

 It’s so unbelievably inspiring because I feel like a little kid: it’s really humbling, but at the same time I do see how the subculture of skateboarding and having some scientific background, or at least enough of that and a computer background, and then also just running a business and getting around, those things, how they just add up, and if I can communicate the good things about our community to theirs… I see they’re quite interested, especially in terms of innovation. That’s in particular what some of them really want to study, for example the one who brought me into it, she is on a White House advisory board for innovation within the nation – so I’m just so privileged. It’s funny.

 Does all this change your perspective on skateboarding?

 Oh yeah, it changes my view on a lot of things. And it solidifies my view on some things.

 Does it, really?

 Yeah, not in totality of course. I think I’d be close-minded if that were the case – and I’m sure I am a little bit close-minded. I do look at skateboarding with a broader perspective, and to be able to communicate what makes it so special to people who would never take a second look at it, that’s such a huge thing for me. That’s such an honor, and so the more I look at it, and I abstract and put it in formulae in terms of what I see in other fields, then I can say, “Wow, skateboarding is so special.” More so, of course, than I know it at just the fundamental level of doing it.

 Is it as infinitely interesting to you on a theoretical level as it is on that fundamental almost no-brains level, as in “my feet feel the catch and land”?

 Nothing can replace that. It talks to who you are as a person, me at least. And so, no, nothing is actually that interesting, compared to that, to me.

 Nothing – in the world?

 Not in a centering way. I mean I have my faith, and I have my wife and relationships with friends – but those are separate; those are relationships.

 As opposed to activities?

 That’s right, and they aren’t subcultures of which you could be part of. No, I would think nothing is… because skateboarding itself is a blur of that: doing it connects you with the community. You can’t quite separate it completely.

 And more generally speaking: How, well, “theoretical” are you these days, in terms of structuring your life and finding new things to do?

 Less than I used to. Because all the theory and philosophy… you just gotta feel.

 Is it easy for you to find that balance between mind and gut feeling?

 Of course. Well, sometimes when you chase it around philosophically so much you actually you’re actually changing the whole… you know, quantum stuff, Heisenberg.

 Uncertainty.

 Yeah, you enter the system and once you’ve done that it’s no longer the same.

 What kind of math did you study, by the way?

 In biomedical engineering, in you can go through one of the four basic departments, and I was going through chemical because it seemed the most applicable – although electrical would be much more applicable probably, today. Mathematics was the joy I had, and I loved the pure physics; engineering was not nearly as fun because it’s just cranking through all these iterations of problem solving; there’s not philosophical richness to it. Applied mathematics is more what I liked to do, for understanding gravitation and general theory, that’s finding the Tensor Calculus, and then when I wanted to understand quantum implications after going through this big branch; then you have to go to finite-dimensional vector spaces on the Hilbert spaces, and then on into some group theory – and group theory itself has a lot of applications to how I think about tricks. It’s a phenomenally powerful and poetic kind of mathematics, and that’s the stuff that I learned.

 Wow. Go on please. What about that link between tricks and mathematics?

 Oh, just because there are all kinds of symmetries, left-right symmetries, and you know, that’s how it’s often used: You look at a crystal, and there’s all kinds of symmetries, nothing as obvious as left and right, right? So there’s all kinds that they have and they formulate, so you can start saying: if this is a symmetry with this, then knock it out and crunch it into irreducible, small and more simplistic terms: you cut out all the extra crap. And you look at the fundamental symmetries of what makes things work, and tricks are like that: There’s very much all the symmetries that we have over your different joints – it’s incredibly complex how your ankle will bend and your knee will bend, and it’s incredible because of how it’s interconnected in our system, and then how the board works… there are so many subtleties. Think about anything like a hardflip, that’s obvious; it’s kind of against the grain, that’s what makes it hard, whereas heelflip shoves, or 360 flips vs. lazers, those are with the grain vs. against the grain. And you can keep breaking these into component form; that matches extremely well with group theory – does that make sense?

 I guess. That’s a vast field though.

 Yeah, you don’t put it on paper, but if you read the stuff and absorb it and feel it, and then you go skate, it’s just a new lens through which you see things. What is a world-view? A world-view is just a lens, it’s not contained like in a box, of what you see, it’s just a lens, how you see everything. Likewise, if you just use different lenses, sometimes it will clear the field and make things much more obvious.

 Sure. Do you think you’re the only one who sees it that way, or do you think someone like Danny Way has a healthy dose of physical and mathematical calculations going on before he actually jumps over one of his huge ramps?

 I guess, though you have to feel it; that’s something else, through these guys, this more academic crowd, one of the other things that I did is they’re trying to harness what they call flow. I have to do that since I go back, and this is a guy who writes for Forbes magazine, and it’s interesting how this is working out: So he interviewed Danny Way as well, and I met him at some kind of nerd fest, you know? He’s saying just that if we can harness the zone or whatever, that semi-hypnotic, highly concentrated state of mind that allows you to do things without thinking, because all of the processing is there; you aren’t thinking, but you stand back away from it, because by the time you think about it you lose it and you’ll screw up, and so how do you get into that mode and look at things in the same light? And when you asked me are there people that do that, and do you think Danny does that – yeah, of course because he has generated a feel for all of the guys that can put this stuff into equations and get hard numbers for it, that actually are there to make sure that he doesn’t get killed.

 Yeah.

 But in the end, Danny will know and feel the nuance of those numbers in a way that they can…

 … never know, no.

 And so when you bridge those two, between feeling and doing, the numbers are crunching on the analytic side, it is a very rare person that has the combinations, and so that’s one of the reasons why I’ve been asked to be part of this group. There are other guys, they’ll study Olympiads, but what you bring up is profound and certainly a lot of people are working on it now.

 Are you willing to dedicate even more time to this?

 Maybe, yeah, yeah, I meet a lot of incredible, and you know, my wife calls me Forest Gump because it’s like my skating is ping-pong: for whatever reason I can do it. But other than that I’m just kind of retarded; I just go from one to the next, my mind just kind of works that way, and it doesn’t work that way. So, the truth is: I never feel qualified to be in a room with them; at the same time I know that I do have capacities… even doing this interview or having some kind of fame, that has given me something, being in front of an audience, that’s also a skill set that’s not so common among professors, you know? And so, the combination of those, to be able to communicate is something that skateboarding has prepared me for, I guess, that maybe they don’t have. And if I keep learning from them, maybe I’ll be a better person, maybe I can contribute to something greater. Right now, I don’t know, I’m just feeling it out. I’m just going with the flow.

 Sounds good. Speaking of the flow – and the zone: Can you go to that place, whenever you want to?

 I think anyone who… well, my father, he was the squadron leader for the group that dropped the atomic bomb; and so he had a very high level. In order to drop that thing, they don’t just give that to anyone. And that’s very much his mindset… what he did he really didn’t talk about that much, I mean this is old Korean War days, after Hiroshima and Nagasaki we were flying that thing around.

 Yeah.

 And he was up there with the button. For them, they gave them, I guess, to some degree considerable study in hypnosis; and my dad’s not a touchy-feely guy. At all. But he had a deep respect for it, which made me think his training must have had a lot of it. So, basically when he saw me practice late at night when I was just a kid, he would wake up, and he would see me in the distance. We had a lit barn, it was like 100 meters, no less than that, more like 70 meters from the house. So he could see me walking around in circles and skating. And he just goes, “Rodney, you’ve gotten really good at self-hypnosis by what you do.” I guess in a way that could answer your question, that if you do something well and long enough, you don’t even know what you’re doing; you’re just doing it, but if someone from the outside looks he’d go, oh it’s obvious, that’s what he’s doing. I don’t know.

 Does entering that zone, doing tricks, feel the same every day?

 No, it’s hard to say because I’ve come so far; it’s… well, I’m not the same person I used to be, and so you get a deeper kind of zen thing going, but at the same time I’m sure it’s basically the same as any other kid out there. I know one thing, that when I’m filming something super-hard, it’s a really escalated place you go, and that doesn’t just come naturally. I mean, it does come naturally, but not “just” come naturally. That’s definitely a distinct state of mind that I have a taste for, but you don’t just go into that.

 Are you filming right now?

 No, I haven’t filmed… my body, my bones fused together, my femur; there was a lot of scar tissue that pulled it up so tightly that the bones started to grind together. They thought that it was going to grind the head off, so the body has a natural mechanism for that, so it solidified and it welded it together, so it no longer worked as a ball and socket, it was more like a stick-shift. And that was about six years ago, five years ago, and… it took about a year and a half. I just stopped. It took me about a year and a half until I finally broke, it was like breaking your own bone: First you have to break all the scar tissue, which is a horrible thing; I did it in the wheel well of my car because I’m not strong enough; turned my body upside down and pulled against the frame until it would break – so you vomit, and you do all kinds of things. But I did it and that changed something in me. I just disappeared because I didn’t want anyone to know. I can say it now because it’s over, but I didn’t want anyone to know that that was it for me, that it was done, and so I just stopped filming. And I just didn’t want to walk with a cane. And I had a good amount of pain all the time, you know? I couldn’t walk. I didn’t run, for about one and a half years I couldn’t run more than 20 feet. So that’s what I went through, and when I got through that, and I finally broke it one night – I remember it was a cold night, and I fell on my hand because I was still caught up in my car, hanging upside down when it broke –; if you’ve ever broken a bone you know that feeling when you get kind of high from nausea. You don’t feel bad, you feel actually warm and high. I just had tears and snot on my hand, funny, but it broke, and I did it. And as I started to do that I could skate again, like: well, and I realized, “You know what? I feel like I’m polishing a turd right now.” My skating… whatever I do, what am I going to do, flip out? Another primo? Who cares. And you start looking at your skating, like, who cares? I couldn’t watch myself skate for years. Because you just look at it and you go, who cares? It gave me what it gave me, but is it really that special? No.

 It is that special.

 Thank you, but at that time, that’s not how you look at it when you go through that. And then I realized what I was doing, it opened my eyes to something that I might be able to do. It made me understand something about skating that I would have never known: how the flesh kind of works like a wet-suit. We’re flesh and bones, and the nature of stance – why there is such a thing as “switch” –, is because your body, like anything, and skating is a kind of gyrating motion, and so like anything, gyrating with layers of clothes, you get sort of bound up, and I think that any skater who’s good enough, if his body could sit in exactly the same position either way, then he would – why wouldn’t you? But you can’t, because of that process how the flesh redistributes itself over the bones; it twists. The nature of the pull of the muscles, it just naturally does it. I see little kids that have been skating a while and they’ll do a switch manual, and it’s very much a fakie nosewheelie – it’s not a manual in the other direction, you know what I mean? You don’t have the same leverage, you’re pushing it away from you, and so I thought: okay, if I can use the same process with my car and fire hydrants, the things I used to break, then maybe I can redistribute my flesh over the bones so that I don’t even have a stance, because I can put the muscles back where they started before I skated. And if that’s the case I’ll have same leverages, and then I can do a bunch of switch tricks that still people haven’t done switch because the leverages are too freaky, you know? Your margin for error is just too small. Except for Paul Rodriguez and some of these guys, they’re so good – I don’t know – but still you can see! You know when it’s switch.

 Sure.

 And who’s better than that guy, you know? And so I’m thinking if I can use this really medieval form of cheating, so that I actually don’t have a stance and do these things, then that would be a contribution – and that’s fun for me because that’s new.

 Yeah, but how does it actually look like?

 It’s a horrible process. You have to gouge things into you, and then once it sticks in there, you just keep rotating it and rotating, and do it bit by bit – ring around the rosey, for years. Maybe sometimes six hours a day. It’s horrible. And then you skate a little bit, and then you do more, and you skate a little bit, and you do more. That’s what I’ve been doing for a long time. And like I say: now I can run like the wind; I’m not going to need a cane, and if I can never do this, that’s fine, because I’ll be good, and skateboarding is giving me more than ever. And I’d rather not be filmed and just skate, as retarded as I am, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how bad I am – I still have that feel. But I work so hard, so hard, and I dream of it, and if I can do it – everything else is working. If I can do that, and even if it’s just a handful of tricks: 10 tricks that really show something, then I’m going to run like the wind.